[Jizzlord] So thoughtful of Nora to put all my stuff into storage.
[Kash] Give you ten quid for all of it.
There's not going to be anything expensive inside to flip.
100 and that's my best offer.
Kash.
300?
[whirs, rattles]
All right. Let's find out what kind of man I was.
[light bulbs clicking]
[relaxing jazz music plays]
[gulps]
400.
Oh, my God, Kash.
What? They're expensive.
I don't think the resale value's very high.
And unit 69. [chuckles] Nice.
Wait, we're unit 65.
Oh, sorry. Unit 65's this way.
[sighs] Wonder who does own it.
[whistling]
[whistling stops]
[humming]
["Witness" playing]
[air puffs]
[grunts]
[chuckles]
"Happy birthday, Rob.
Your best mate always, Chris."
[footsteps]
I had a best mate.
[Jen] Who's sending us post?
[sighs] Nora's invited us to her book launch.
[Jizzlord] Oh!
That's so nice of her. Wow. I mean, I-I have no idea what that is,
but, um, wow! [chuckles]
Gosh, she's great, isn't she?
Yeah, well. Sometimes people may seem nice on the outside,
but in the inside they're a churning hot tub of venom and shit, so...
I'm a pretty good judge of character when it comes to people.
It's like animal instinct, so...
Really? What do you think of this man?
Nice smile. He seems like a good lad.
That's Osama bin Laden.
So, you're saying Nora's like Osama bin Laden.
No, no, no, no. I just-- She may not be as nice as she seems.
[laughs] Nora?
Nah! [laughs]
Why would I marry someone who isn't nice? Think about it, Jen.
I'll tell her we're busy that night.
Oh, no, no, no, no. We have to go. My best mate might be there.
Chris. I long for him, Jen.
[sighs] Okay.
Whose dress code is beige?
♪ Let's pass the time Me and you, you and me ♪
♪ Let's pass the time Just you and me ♪
♪ There's never ever been two friends Quite like we ♪
Ah.
♪ Let's pass the time Just you and me ♪
♪ You're my best friend ♪
[sighs]
♪ And I'm yours too ♪
[music fades]
[Carrie clears throat]
Oh.
Sorry. [chuckles]
Oh, there's only one left.
Uh, you have it.
Absolutely. [chuckles]
No, I-I couldn't.
I insist. My treat.
I'm really grateful that you let me have it
- because I can't have caffeine... - It's an absolute no-no.
- ...because I have IBS. - 'Cause of my IBS.
[soft string music plays]
[woman vocalises]
- [music stops] - Found you. Can you play bass?
[scoffs] Is the pope a lizard wearing human skin?
I know he's not. I'm just being whimsical.
- [laughs] Yes. - [chuckles]
[Clark] Oh, I hope it's a new scheme.
- He can do it. - [Clark] Yes!
[Clarks muttering]
[clears throat]
- You know the notes, right? - [Clark] Got them.
- [Kash] Great. Listen. - [Clark] Yeah.
- All right-- - [Carrie] You're supposed to be digitising
case records from 2003 to 2005.
Okay, but what if, instead of doing that,
I develop something that will triple the company's profits overnight?
- Oh, my God. That is amazing. How? - [Kash laughs]
Original hold music.
- [sighs] - Clarks!
A one, two, three, four.
[slow jazz plays]
♪ We can't come to the phone right now ♪
♪ You might ask why Well, I'll tell you why ♪
♪ There's a million reasons Like we're out of town ♪
♪ Or we're on a call Maybe we're having a poo ♪
♪ Or an active shooter situation ♪
♪ And he's holding us hostage In the kitchen ♪
♪ Susan's crying, she's got three kids ♪
♪ There's a struggle for the gun ♪
♪ But then it goes off And the gunman goes down ♪
♪ But Richard's been hit in the gut ♪
♪ And then there's so much blood But he makes it through ♪
♪ We're all bonded through our trauma ♪
Ah.
♪ Or hosting a charity coffee morning ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Well, it's all we got so far.
It's...
You hate it.
Um...
I knew it.
[sniffs] It's terrible.
God! It's this office. This soul-sucking nine-to-five.
I'm creatively stifled here, Carrie.
Now, I need to express myself,
but I'm selling my soul completing these mindless tasks.
And for what? A measly £1,500 a week.
Kash, that is for the whole month.
- A month. - It's a month. Yeah.
Well, then,
I guess I need the afternoon off to return a dozen concert-grade instruments.
Clarks! With me.
I want to start dating again, but Kash is always just there.
I feel bad coming onto someone in front of him. It's a bit soon.
Why don't you come to Nora's stupid book launch?
- Should be loads of stupid bachelors. - That's perfect.
I can flirt in total anonymity.
Oh, I've missed watching you flirt. It's adorable.
Don't say that.
I don't want to be adorable.
I want to be...
Hmm. Hmm.
Hmm.
Carrie, you instantly panic
and start asking them elaborate hypothetical questions.
What if I just get the ladies out?
[Jen] Yeah, that would work.
[sighs] You'll have to wear beige though.
I don't have anything beige because my style icon isn't a fucking baguette.
Oh, God. I hate her.
Why don't you just tell Jizz what Nora's actually like?
He totally buys her butter wouldn't melt routine.
He needs to see it for himself. He needs to see her real side come out.
Uh-huh.
What if I goad it out of her?
Push all her little bitch buttons.
- You wouldn't. - I would.
I knew you would. I was just saying that for effect.
I'm going to be a little fucking nightmare.
["Antagonist" playing]
[chattering]
- [security] Are you on the guest list? - We're on there.
♪ I'm feeling like a riot ♪
[shutter clicks]
♪ If it's a cure to the cause, Then we have to get violent ♪
♪ I'm not into starting fires ♪
♪ Whoever sparked the match Broke perpetual silence ♪
♪ Thunder and lightning ♪
♪ Hear the sound of the dead choir's roar Still fighting ♪
♪ And no, I'm not frightened ♪
[cigarette hisses]
[music ends]
- Jen, Rob, so glad you could make it! - [people chattering]
Me and Jizzlord wouldn't miss it for the world.
Where's Chris?
Oh, did I misread the dress code?
Oh, God. I hope you're not really, really, really annoyed. Are you?
Not at all. It's refreshing.
You look like Pat Butcher shat out the teen whore section of River Island.
Rob, you look very smart. [chuckles]
- You're going to fit right in. - Chris. Is he here?
- Oh, I hope he's here. - So, what is this book about then?
It's about getting out of the "poor me" mentality
and just filling your life with positivity.
Now, we all have the same 24 hours in a day. [chuckles]
Ooh, £18.99. That's my girl.
Desperate people will pay out the nose for any old trash they think will fix them.
Yeah, I mean you're paying way more for that guy at The Clinic to get you a power.
You don't have a power?
Oh, it's not fun insulting you now. Feels like a hate crime.
- It's really not a big deal. - You're so inspiring. Really.
Must be so hard for you.
[sobs] The fact that you're so confident, despite everything.
Aw, oh, no. Don't cry.
- Oh, you're so sweet worrying about Jen. - [crying]
- It's just so tragic, you know. - It is tragic. A bit. Yeah, it is.
- Aw, always so good at cuddles. - Okay.
[music resumes]
[people chattering, laughing]
[music stops]
What section of IKEA would you use as a defensive base in a zombie apocalypse?
[sighs] What are you doing here?
I'm in a creative rut.
I need to fill the well with new experiences
- if I'm ever going to write my musical. - Since when are you writing a musical?
Well, I couldn't find the receipts for the instruments.
I've got to make my money back, or I'll have to get another job.
Why don't you just sell them?
I'm already selling my soul to the Man.
I need a project, or I'll wither.
Well--
- Are you going to be here all night? - Yeah. I need to find inspiration.
I need to find a muse.
Now, I'm 4k in the hole, Carrie. It needs to be a hit.
[keyboard tinkles]
♪ Man with glasses walking past ♪
♪ Yes, you Have you got a story? ♪
Don't run!
[sighs]
What a waste.
[beat plays]
Chris.
Chris!
- Rob! - Chris!
- Buddy! - [Jizzlord grunts]
- [Chris laughs] - Aah!
- [Chris laughs] Yay! - Chris.
- We thought you were dead.
I-I was like, that's such a Rob thing to do, just bloody die.
That's so me!
Nora called me soon as she saw you. [bleep] hell, I almost [bleep] myself.
Are my ears broken?
Oh, yeah, she said you-you've got amnesia or something.
- Yeah. - Power of censorship.
Come on. Say a bad word.
Rapist.
No, like a swear word.
Oh, I don't know any swear words.
- That's fine. - Paedophile.
- No, that's still a-- - Right.
♪ Girl with the normal hair ♪
♪ She needs new hair ♪
♪ But from where? ♪
♪ Wig heist ♪
♪ We're going on a wig heist We-- ♪
[people laughing]
Stupid, Kash.
It's already been done.
Clock Man?
- Magnet Girl? - Are you still vigilante-ing?
- After you ran away in disgrace twice. - Heroically relinquished power for love?
Yeah-- Uh-- No, I'm not doing that anymore.
Well, I guess giving up your dreams is worth it if you have love.
Yeah, actually, she, uh, dumped me pretty much immediately after that.
- Oh, no. - No, I'm doing really well though.
What are you up to now?
Silver service.
Can't drop it. Look.
Oh, no.
Four years. That's a long [bleep] time, that.
- We got so much to talk about. - So much!
- Whee! Hey! - Hey! [laughs]
- Ah. [chuckles] - [chuckles, sighs]
Uh, you're-you're back with Nora then?
No, uh, she shares me with my girlfriend.
[laughs] How'd an ugly [bleep] like you get two women?
Do girls like tiny [bleep] now?
I-I thought friends supported each others' penises.
I'm just ribbing you, mate. Uh, joshing, taking the [bleep].
We used to do it all the time. It's a sign of affection.
Oh, right.
So, if you like someone, you deeply insult them.
Yeah.
If I had to be you even for a second, I'd kill myself.
[chuckles]
[punk music starts]
- Ouch! Uh, there's someone sitting here. - [music stops]
Oh, well, I-I-I'm so sorry.
No, it's my fault. You can't go around being invisible
and expect people not to sit on you now and again.
You can turn invisible?
[invisible person] Uh-huh.
[gasps] Like no one here can see you.
- [invisible person] Yeah. - Not even ex-boyfriends
who weren't even invited?
- That's a very specific example, but yes. - [chuckles]
It's just a more honest way to meet new people, you know?
What's the biggest animal you could kill with your bare hands?
[invisible person laughs] Um, what?
[Jen laughs]
No, that's so true. That's the funniest thing I've heard all night.
So funny! [laughs]
Look who I found. Hey.
- [Nora grunts] - Oh.
Jen! I found him!
Oh, ooh!
Is this the girlfriend then?
Enchantée.
Yes, I am the young, unburdened, child-free, young girlfriend.
Oh, don't mind if I do.
I might get smashed out of my mind tonight,
'cause I don't have to get up in the morning. [chuckles]
Do you, Nora? Do you have to get up in the morning?
I'm very blessed to have a full schedule.
Because I actually add value to society.
[exclaims] Let's binge-drink together, like friends do.
I brought our beer.
Spontaneity. That's the best bit.
If I want to go clubbing on a Tuesday, I can.
Me and Jizz, we're out all the time just having loads of fun.
When did you last have fun, Nora?
On top of your boyfriend, I suppose?
Ooh. [chuckles]
I think that's maybe out of date, mate.
Friendship doesn't go off.
I was actually a lot of fun at university, so...
[sighs] God, I bet your uni days seem like so long ago now.
I'm sure I'll feel the same when I'm as old as you are.
My skin age is 25.
But for now, I can do whatever I want!
Bottoms up!
[sighs]
Jen, are you okay?
You look pale.
Like dry dog shit.
I'm having the time of my life.
I'll take her to the ladies.
You're a real evil genius, Jen.
Spending the rest of the evening in the bathroom puking your guts up
is really sticking it to me.
- I'm not gonna get sick in the bathroom. - Don't you fucking dare.
- I'm gonna do it. - Don't do it.
- I'm gonna do it. - Don't you do it, you greasy slut!
[retches]
Jen, you [bleep]...
[chuckles] ...poor thing.
Are you okay? [chuckles]
- Oh, dear. - [Jen pants]
Aren't you mad about your books? Your sicky books?
Your health is much more important.
Stop it, all right? You are not going to ruin this evening for me.
Do you know how much work I put into this book?
- [Jen] Pfft, anyone can write a book. - Well, you haven't.
- How do you know? - [Nora] Um, dogs can't write books.
- I've written a book. - All right. Read it then.
After our reading, read an extract of your book.
- I will. - Fine.
- Good. - Can't wait for you to read nothing.
Can't wait to read your obituary.
You--
Oh, my God. Kiss.
[both laughing]
So, Gavin, the thing is, for me, I'm a gel pen kind of girl.
But what I really need to know is pencils or pens for you?
Pencils. I love a good 4B.
- Really? Stop it. - [Gavin] Mm-hmm.
I know, I know. I'm a drama queen.
- [laughs] I'm having such a nice time. - [Gavin laughs] Yeah. Oh, man.
Carrie?
- Carrie? - Hmm?
Oh, hi. Sorry. You spaced out a bit.
It was like you were looking right through me. [laughs]
Sorry. [laughs]
Bloody Kash. I can't believe he's just flirting with her out in the open,
and now I look like a total loner.
Should I ask Gavin to turn visible?
[inhales]
It's risky.
Every break-up has a winner and a loser.
And that is decided by a very complex hierarchical matrix of social values.
So, what you have to seriously consider is...
What if he's an uggo?
Jennifer Regan. Are you really that shallow?
Someone has to be.
Can you imagine a world where everyone loved who they are on the inside?
- We would all look like shit. - I'm gonna take the risk.
You're a braver woman than I.
[sighs] Okay, visible flirting. You can do this.
[sighs] Okay, come on.
Focus. Write something. No procrastinating.
Hi.
Oh, my God! Tell me everything. How's it going?
What's Chris like? Are you best mates again?
I don't think I'm mating with him correctly.
Everything feels off.
Why don't you try to reconnect with him over the dumb shit you both love?
Like the wrestling. Men use hobbies to justify speaking to each other.
The wrestling. Yeah, that makes sense.
I love your big brain.
Go get him.
[groans]
Kash, help me.
I need to write a book in the next 15 minutes.
You've got a vivid imagination. Give me some ideas.
Are you trying to hurt me?
He's having an artist crisis. I've seen this before.
I have no muse.
Why don't you base your musical on some of my fan fiction?
You write fan fiction?
Uh, yeah.
Like gross sex fan fiction?
No, there's character development and themes and-- Yeah, no, it's gross.
That would really ruin the evening, wouldn't it?
Megan, how would you like for your work to be read out
to a room full of publishing industry professionals?
[gasps] Yeah.
Yeah?
- [dance music playing in distance] - [people chattering in distance]
[both laughing]
[Gavin] Yes, but the cool thing about the membership
is that it has the best points to cash value
rewards system out of any of the Big 4.
- [gasps] Oh. - [Gavin chuckles]
I want to see you.
Why?
Just, uh, you know, fun.
Just for fun.
Yeah, I always think it's a good idea to let girls
fall in love with my personality before I, um--
Gavin, I-I already know what a beautiful soul you have.
Okay. For you, Carrie. I'll do it for you.
- Hmm. All right Wow. - Really?
- Wait, wait. Uh-- - [Gavin] Um, what?
- Just, um-- - What's wrong?
What if we go somewhere a little quieter first,
and you show me there?
Oh, my God. You're worried I'm ugly.
What? No. What? No. What? [chuckles]
You know, I really thought you were different.
- I am. - Why does this always happen?
- No. That's really not-- - I'm so stupid.
Please keep your voice down.
I'm always falling for it.
- Shh. Shh. - [grunts]
I'm gonna die alone. There's no true love for Gavin.
- Shh. There, there. - 'Cause he's naive. It's all about looks!
- Shh. Shh, shh, shh. - [Gavin] Well, that's it.
Gavin, Gavin, you're all right, Gavin. You are all right.
- [Kash] You having a breakdown? - Uh, no. It's fine.
You can go now.
[Gavin] If a girl asks to see what you look like,
- is it because she's worried you're ugly? - Yeah, a hundred per cent.
[Gavin] Yeah, I knew it.
- No, no. That's really not it. - [Gavin] You know, you're shallow.
And you're self-obsessed just like everybody else.
- Hey! - [Gavin] I'm over here.
Hey! That woman is the least self-obsessed person I've ever met.
When we were together, she had to put up with all my crazy schemes,
and what I now know to be highly illegal, extra-judicial crime fighting.
I mean, I've been a constant source of drama.
Oh, my muse!
I've found my muse!
Of course, it's her. You have been flirting with her all night.
What? No, it's me.
I am my own muse.
Yeah, if I was flirting, believe me, you'd know it.
- Oh. - Vigilante The Musical.
Written, produced, directed by and starring Kash Varma.
[Carrie] Well, uh, Gavin?
We could still go out. Gavin?
Uh, I don't care if you're ugly. Gavin?
I think he left.
Poor guy. It cannot be easy being so hideously ugly.
Hmm.
- [cell phone rings] - [exhales]
- [Gavin] Mum? - [Gavin's Mum] Gavin?
- Yeah, it happened again. - [Gavin's Mum] Aw, one day you'll find
a girl who will love you for more than just your looks.
I'm not a piece of meat.
[Gavin's Mum] I know, pet.
- I know. - [sighs]
- Thanks, Mum. - [Gavin's Mum] Bye, love.
[Nora] And I realised in that moment,
we are all responsible for our own happiness.
You can't blame anyone else for your failings.
- Not bosses, parents, missing hus... - [panting]
Oh, Jesus. I don't think I can read this.
There's so many orifices and--
God, the things that are happening to them.
Remember, it is all for Jizz.
He's got to see Nora's true colours.
Shh.
If your goals don't scare you, then you're not dreaming big enough.
You should be waking up every day thinking,
-"How can I challenge myself today?" - Are you ready to rumble?
- [Nora] Because when you... - What?
[whispering] Are you ready to rumble?
- I don't know what you're-- [grunts] - [grunts]
What're you doing?
- Anxiety isn't... a disorder. - [Chris, Jizzlord grunting]
[Nora] It's your heart's way of telling you...
[grunting, groaning]
Embrace the fear.
- I used to be afraid. - [Jizzlord] Co-operate with my smack down!
[Chris grunts]
- Do you feel the heat? - [ripping]
[Nora continues chattering]
[crowd gasps, murmurs]
Sorry, sorry.
Continue.
- I demanded it. - From the ropes!
- I-- - [Chris yelps]
Whoo!
[choking] Why are you doing this?
- Old times! Wrestling buddies. - [grunts]
- [all gasp, exclaim] - [Chris] Get off me, you weirdo!
[grunts, coughs]
[pants] Do you wanna hang out tomorrow?
[panting]
I think I'm busy tomorrow.
Okay. Day after then.
I think I'm still busy.
How 'bout the day after that?
Maybe we shouldn't be best friends anymore.
[pants, sighs]
[Chris coughs]
[Jen] Hey, hey.
Oh, God, Nora. This must be so embarrassing for you.
Please do tell him how much he's ruined your big night.
Yeah? Don't hold back.
[chuckles]
Not at all. He has been through a lot.
He's adjusting, and I will always support him. [cries]
[crowd] Aw. [applauds]
Um, would you like to do your reading now, Jen?
Or are you a tubby little liar?
Yes. Yes, I would.
Jen Regan, everyone.
- Oh-- - [Carrie] Whoo!
This is called Bonded in Brine.
"The waves crashed on the sullen rocks.
'Another day by the sea',
growled the lighthouse keeper in his brain.
But, lo! What's that on the rocks? A man? A fish?
No. A fishman."
I'm sorry you and Chris didn't reconnect.
I ruined it. I ruin everything.
I don't think that was your fault. It's-- [sighs]
Hmm. What do you mean?
Oh, ignore me. It-It's nothing.
No, tell me. I want to fit in.
"From the waist up, a beautiful boy.
But the waist down, a slab of scaly muscle.
A merman.
Crash!
The wet and desperate tide was rushing in."
I'm so grateful for her taking you in.
She did a great job getting you back on your feet.
But maybe she isn't the best role model.
"The only shelter he could find, a rocky cove.
'A hole', thought the fisherman."
I mean, look around you.
Who's causing a scene?
"The lighthouse keeper groaned
when a clammy palm touched his exposed forearm."
Is it always like this when you're together?
No, no.
I mean, actually, yeah, it kind of is.
But isn't everyone getting into weird schemes and stealing dogs?
"The lighthouse keeper took in his scaly length."
Most people just have a nice, quiet life with their families and their friends.
No chaos. No feeling like an outsider.
"'You saved me.
How can I repay you?'"
And you think Jen's the reason I can't have that.
"'There's only one way I can think of.'"
Oh, I didn't even think about that.
It's something to consider, isn't it?
"The merman flipped onto his briny belly and reached back to"...
- [attendee] Disgusting. - [crowd murmurs]
- [feedback on microphone] -"'Oh, [bleep]! Oh, [bleep] me, Poseidon!
Stick your filthy fish [bleep] into my filthy [bleep] hole.
Fill me up with your eggs like the salty [bleep] I am!'"
[audience gasping]
Is Jen a bad influence?
"And nothing ever compared to the allure of that briny fish cock!"
[scattered whispering]
Oh, that guy must have left then.
"But the sea gets what the sea wants.
The end".
[Nora] Oh, Jen. Is that all you've got?
That was great, Jen.
Avant-garde, sex-positive. I loved it.
She can't hear this, but she hasn't got a power, poor thing.
So let's give her a pity clap.
[cheers, applause]
[Megan] Whoo!
That was a waste of time.
Absolutely mortified.
You can always come home, Rob.
["I'm That Bitch" playing]
["You Sexy Thing" playing]
[kissing]
[moans] Gavin.
[music continues]