1 00:00:01,501 --> 00:00:07,215 It is our differences that make us special. 2 00:00:07,298 --> 00:00:13,304 So, to conclude, you are your greatest asset. 3 00:00:14,264 --> 00:00:16,683 You are you. 4 00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:26,484 That's the best speech by a returning alumni I've ever heard. 5 00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:40,165 Hey. 6 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:46,212 That well-structured but emotionally resonant piece of oratory 7 00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:48,048 made me remember how sexy you are. 8 00:00:48,131 --> 00:00:50,842 -Carrie! Carrie! 9 00:00:50,925 --> 00:00:55,513 Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! 10 00:00:55,597 --> 00:01:00,477 Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! 11 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:04,606 -Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! -Carrie! 12 00:01:04,689 --> 00:01:05,940 Carrie? 13 00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:07,734 -Carrie? 14 00:01:07,817 --> 00:01:10,111 I said, do you remember it being this small? 15 00:01:10,195 --> 00:01:12,072 I swear it was bigger when we were here. 16 00:01:12,155 --> 00:01:13,740 Maybe we've just grown up. 17 00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:16,659 -Crazy. -Crazy. 18 00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:17,786 Jinx! 19 00:01:17,869 --> 00:01:19,829 Dead arm! No taksies backsies! 20 00:01:44,646 --> 00:01:46,940 Attention, everybody. 21 00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:48,775 Thank you. 22 00:01:49,692 --> 00:01:54,489 Now, we will be kicking off at 7.45 with the head-girl speech. 23 00:01:54,572 --> 00:01:58,284 Then, subject awards, attendance awards, 24 00:01:58,368 --> 00:02:02,705 and finally, our closing keynote alumni. 25 00:02:04,165 --> 00:02:08,086 Now, while I have you all here, may I remind all parents that-- 26 00:02:08,169 --> 00:02:10,421 Michael! 27 00:02:11,214 --> 00:02:15,135 Powers are not permitted on school premises. 28 00:02:15,218 --> 00:02:17,554 Get down. 29 00:02:20,223 --> 00:02:22,016 -Wanker. -I heard-- 30 00:02:24,769 --> 00:02:26,104 I heard that. 31 00:02:32,527 --> 00:02:35,697 So, I'm getting the outstanding achievement award, 32 00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:38,116 and Carrie's doing the alumni speech. 33 00:02:38,199 --> 00:02:39,450 What are you doing, Jen? 34 00:02:39,534 --> 00:02:40,535 I'm doing your dad. 35 00:02:40,618 --> 00:02:42,287 -Mary, I swear, I-- -Ian, I know. 36 00:02:42,370 --> 00:02:46,332 Jen has the very important job this evening of supporting her family. 37 00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:48,835 -Do we trust Jen with important jobs? -Well, your dad does. 38 00:02:48,918 --> 00:02:50,712 Because I'm giving him blow jobs. I'm blowing him. 39 00:02:50,795 --> 00:02:52,255 -Mary, I didn't touch-- -Shut up. 40 00:02:52,338 --> 00:02:54,591 Jesus, there's Susan. Shut up about blowing each other. 41 00:02:54,674 --> 00:02:56,593 -Who's Susan? -Mum's trying to get in Susan's clique. 42 00:02:56,676 --> 00:02:58,803 -I told her you can read minds. -What? 43 00:02:58,887 --> 00:03:00,805 I told her you can read minds. 44 00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:02,640 Susan, hello! 45 00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:04,934 How do you stay so young-looking? 46 00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:07,604 We'll be mistaking you for one of the students next. 47 00:03:07,687 --> 00:03:10,273 But you know, one of the sexy ones. 48 00:03:16,237 --> 00:03:20,074 Andy, congratulations again. Greenwich Conservatoire? 49 00:03:20,158 --> 00:03:21,784 -Incredible. -Yes. 50 00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:24,370 And this must be Jen. 51 00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:37,550 Yeah, good one. 52 00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:38,676 What do you mean? 53 00:03:39,260 --> 00:03:41,638 Good one. 54 00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:42,680 Yeah, very funny. 55 00:03:43,264 --> 00:03:44,974 You think it's funny that I was asking 56 00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,310 if you knew that Mrs Henderson had passed away? 57 00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:53,900 I... 58 00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:58,363 Oh, I can see Flo waving at me. I better... 59 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:02,533 -Why did you tell her I could read minds? -I thought it sounded impressive. 60 00:04:02,617 --> 00:04:05,495 It's better than explaining your whole situation. 61 00:04:05,578 --> 00:04:09,040 Jen, look. I know you're riddled with fear and anxiety. 62 00:04:09,123 --> 00:04:10,917 Feelings of shame around your changing body. 63 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:12,418 -That's not what I'm feeling. -Sorry. 64 00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:16,381 It's hard to differentiate in groups. Especially teenagers. 65 00:04:17,799 --> 00:04:19,592 No, no, no. That's not normal. 66 00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:23,304 Someone is bursting at the emotional seams in here. 67 00:04:24,013 --> 00:04:26,015 I'm trained in mental-health first aid. 68 00:04:27,642 --> 00:04:29,769 -I must find them. -What are you doing? 69 00:04:29,852 --> 00:04:34,482 If I lose one sense, the others get sharper. 70 00:04:34,565 --> 00:04:36,776 -I feel you. 71 00:04:44,701 --> 00:04:49,163 "Every day, I get to meet people from all walks of life. From kids..." 72 00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:53,960 What would make this evening go from unbearable to just about bearable? 73 00:04:54,043 --> 00:04:56,838 Humility and the support of good friends. 74 00:04:56,921 --> 00:04:58,840 Close. Getting shit-faced. 75 00:04:59,924 --> 00:05:02,176 Where are you gonna find drinks in a school? 76 00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:03,970 -Right where we left them. 77 00:05:05,054 --> 00:05:06,264 The stash. 78 00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:08,975 The stash. 79 00:05:21,529 --> 00:05:24,407 Really think no one's found it after all these years? 80 00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:28,328 Where do you put something you don't want disturbed in a Catholic school? 81 00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:38,671 Thank you, Jesus. 82 00:05:50,308 --> 00:05:51,309 Jesus. 83 00:05:51,893 --> 00:05:54,520 I don't know. I-I should stay sharp for my speech. 84 00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:55,855 And it's a weeknight. 85 00:05:55,938 --> 00:05:56,939 Oh, come on. 86 00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:59,776 It's just sad if I make poor decisions by myself. 87 00:05:59,859 --> 00:06:01,194 For me? 88 00:06:03,988 --> 00:06:04,947 Ah, class. Fags. 89 00:06:05,531 --> 00:06:06,532 Hello? 90 00:06:07,658 --> 00:06:10,411 We're closing up this corridor. Is anyone there? 91 00:06:16,626 --> 00:06:19,003 -I think it's Rebecca Baxter. -Rebecca Baxter? 92 00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:22,298 Rebecca "personally gave half of our year eating disorders" Baxter? 93 00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:23,758 All the spit just left my mouth. 94 00:06:23,841 --> 00:06:25,426 I always thought when I'd run into an old bully, 95 00:06:25,510 --> 00:06:28,513 I'd be able to rub something in their face, but I've got nothing. 96 00:06:28,596 --> 00:06:30,348 What if she makes me cry? 97 00:06:30,431 --> 00:06:33,601 Never let a predator smell your fear. Come on, quick. Make yourself big. 98 00:06:36,437 --> 00:06:39,273 Carrie Jackson? Jennifer Regan? 99 00:06:39,899 --> 00:06:41,150 Oh, my God. 100 00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:45,738 It has been so long. 101 00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:49,742 How have you guys been? You look so good. 102 00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:51,285 -Why are you here? 103 00:06:51,369 --> 00:06:52,787 I work here. I'm a teacher. 104 00:06:52,870 --> 00:06:55,790 Why? Oh, do they let you hit the kids now? 105 00:06:55,873 --> 00:06:58,626 You were always so funny, Jen. 106 00:06:59,877 --> 00:07:01,421 So, what have you guys been up to? 107 00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:03,381 Oh, God. Duh. What did you get? 108 00:07:03,464 --> 00:07:04,549 Conduit for the dead. 109 00:07:04,632 --> 00:07:07,844 Spooky. Kinda similar actually. I can revisit memories. 110 00:07:08,636 --> 00:07:11,013 What about you, Jen? I bet it's something really cool. 111 00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:13,391 What is your deal? Hmm? Why are you being so nice? 112 00:07:13,474 --> 00:07:15,476 Did you become some weird kind of Christian, 113 00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:17,103 or-- or are you dying? What is it? 114 00:07:19,105 --> 00:07:24,861 Honestly, when I got my power, I would go back and watch myself, and... 115 00:07:26,571 --> 00:07:27,572 Oh, boy. Yeah. 116 00:07:27,655 --> 00:07:31,200 So, it turns out, being able to replay all the terrible things you've ever done 117 00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:33,286 makes you rethink some stuff. 118 00:07:33,369 --> 00:07:36,414 -So I'm nice now. -Prove it. 119 00:07:36,497 --> 00:07:39,208 Well, it's, like, more of a general state of being. 120 00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:41,878 -I don't know how to-- -Money. You could give us money. 121 00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:43,713 Um, yeah, all right. 122 00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:49,010 -I've actually only got a 20. -Yeah. That'll do. Yeah. Yep. 123 00:07:49,093 --> 00:07:50,094 Thank you. 124 00:07:50,970 --> 00:07:53,723 Carrie, are you okay? You seem a bit tense. 125 00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:56,267 I-I've got some camomile tea in the staff room. 126 00:07:56,350 --> 00:07:58,686 -Let me make you a cup? -Okay. 127 00:07:58,769 --> 00:08:01,022 Great, great. It-It's just down the hall. 128 00:08:24,462 --> 00:08:26,047 You gonna be much longer? 129 00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:31,010 I don't know. How long does it take to wash off the stain of cowardice? 130 00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:33,262 Have you tried scrubbing it? 131 00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:34,347 Leave me alone. 132 00:08:34,430 --> 00:08:36,182 I'd quite like my bed back. 133 00:08:36,265 --> 00:08:37,725 I'll get out when I'm ready. 134 00:08:39,852 --> 00:08:41,103 When will that be? 135 00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:44,815 When I no longer feel the cruel sting of sadness. 136 00:08:46,943 --> 00:08:49,111 So, like, five minutes? 137 00:09:04,877 --> 00:09:06,379 Jesus. 138 00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:11,717 Why is your mum sending me outfit options 139 00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:13,427 for the family Christmas card? 140 00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:14,804 She still thinks we're together. 141 00:09:14,887 --> 00:09:17,390 I haven't even told her about not getting into the Conservatoire yet. 142 00:09:17,473 --> 00:09:19,600 I can't tell her that we've broken up as well. 143 00:09:19,684 --> 00:09:21,727 -Well, it's not my problem. -I know! 144 00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:27,275 Sort yourself out. 145 00:09:36,659 --> 00:09:37,660 Fuck! 146 00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:45,835 -What are you doing in here? -I was having a really quiet pooh. 147 00:09:45,918 --> 00:09:48,045 -What did you hear? -You didn't get into the Conservatoire. 148 00:09:48,129 --> 00:09:50,715 -You've been lying to everyone. -I haven't. 149 00:09:50,798 --> 00:09:53,134 Oh! You bashed up your violin, didn't you? 150 00:09:53,217 --> 00:09:56,971 I knew this power would come back to bite you in your freakishly strong arse. 151 00:10:00,141 --> 00:10:01,475 Are you okay? 152 00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:03,352 "Are you okay?" 153 00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,062 Yeah, I'm okay. 154 00:10:05,146 --> 00:10:07,106 At least I have something in my life to ruin. 155 00:10:07,189 --> 00:10:08,733 What is the worst-case scenario for you? 156 00:10:08,816 --> 00:10:10,484 The funeral home stops selling your foundation? 157 00:10:10,568 --> 00:10:13,946 Why did your girlfriend dump you, anyway? Did you break her fanny? 158 00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:18,659 -Did you break her fanny? -It was a hairline pelvic fracture. 159 00:10:18,743 --> 00:10:21,454 Oh, my God! You finger-blasted your girlfriend into the hospital. 160 00:10:21,537 --> 00:10:24,457 -This is the best day of my life. -You are such a fucking child. 161 00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:26,959 -I'm gonna tell Mum. -Don't tell Mum. Please. 162 00:10:29,128 --> 00:10:30,713 I'll do whatever you want. 163 00:10:31,922 --> 00:10:34,508 -Whatever I want. -Well, not sex stuff. Ew. 164 00:10:34,592 --> 00:10:37,011 -Oh, my God. -I didn't say sex stuff. Gross. 165 00:10:37,094 --> 00:10:39,180 -It came out in a really nonce-y tone. -I'll tell you what. 166 00:10:39,263 --> 00:10:40,765 Never call me a nonce again. That's a start. 167 00:10:41,974 --> 00:10:43,267 -Hello. 168 00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:45,394 -Me again. -Why didn't I lock the door? 169 00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:47,688 I'm gonna cheer you up. 170 00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:49,440 What are you hiding? 171 00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:51,567 The brush. 172 00:10:52,193 --> 00:10:53,653 Put it down. 173 00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:56,614 One of the few things I remember from the cat times: 174 00:10:56,697 --> 00:10:58,991 Getting the brush, pure bliss. 175 00:10:59,075 --> 00:11:00,993 -Don't brush me! -Relax. 176 00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:03,996 The brush is very powerful. 177 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:05,915 No, I said don't-- d-don't brush me! 178 00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,091 It's actually quite nice. 179 00:11:15,716 --> 00:11:18,803 No thoughts. Just brush. Who's a good boy? 180 00:11:20,721 --> 00:11:23,849 -Me. -And good boys get the brush. 181 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,521 What the fuck! Stop. 182 00:11:28,604 --> 00:11:30,314 -You don't like the brush? -No, it's fucking weird. 183 00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:31,941 -Then what makes you happy? -I don't know! 184 00:11:32,024 --> 00:11:34,360 Everyone always yells at me for not knowing stuff, 185 00:11:34,443 --> 00:11:36,445 but how am I supposed to know if people won't tell me? 186 00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:37,613 Penguins. 187 00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:41,784 I like videos of penguins falling over. 188 00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:44,745 It's what makes me happy. 189 00:11:47,581 --> 00:11:49,959 You will do anything I say, or I'm telling. 190 00:11:51,293 --> 00:11:56,966 Girls, Susan has this great story about Tesco. 191 00:11:57,049 --> 00:11:59,176 It's-- It's mad. 192 00:11:59,677 --> 00:12:00,678 Go on. 193 00:12:00,761 --> 00:12:05,182 I thought something was full price, and when I got to the till it was reduced. 194 00:12:18,988 --> 00:12:20,489 Oh, Jesus! 195 00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:23,993 It's like Richard Pryor never died. 196 00:12:24,827 --> 00:12:28,038 -Where did you two go to? -Just doing some sisterly bonding. 197 00:12:28,122 --> 00:12:29,915 I'm so glad that you're here, Susan. 198 00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:33,002 You know, Andy was just about to do the family dance. 199 00:12:33,085 --> 00:12:36,380 Oh, it's been years since you've done the family dance. 200 00:12:36,464 --> 00:12:39,008 -I'm not doing the family dance. -Oh, I wanna see the family dance. 201 00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:40,092 What's the family dance? 202 00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:42,928 It's a dance that Andy made up 203 00:12:43,012 --> 00:12:46,015 when she was taking break-dancing lessons in primary. 204 00:12:46,098 --> 00:12:48,517 -You said you were too old for it. -I am. 205 00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:54,607 You're never too old for the magic of dance. 206 00:13:26,722 --> 00:13:29,809 Okay, that's-- that's enough of that. Okay. 207 00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:43,155 Are you cold? 208 00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:44,240 No. 209 00:13:44,323 --> 00:13:46,367 Well, it's a bit chilly, but I'm fine. 210 00:13:46,450 --> 00:13:48,786 Oh, my God. Here. Just take-- take my jumper. 211 00:13:48,869 --> 00:13:51,330 -No, no, no, no. -Take my jumper, you-- 212 00:13:51,413 --> 00:13:53,874 I'm sorry. Please take my jumper. 213 00:13:54,792 --> 00:13:55,918 But then you'll be cold. 214 00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:57,628 Here, take my jumper. 215 00:13:57,711 --> 00:13:59,547 -Don't be silly. -No, I insist. 216 00:13:59,630 --> 00:14:01,173 Okay, that's fine. 217 00:14:02,091 --> 00:14:03,717 -Okay. Sorry. Thank you. -Thank you. 218 00:14:08,305 --> 00:14:09,306 Thank you. 219 00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:12,643 I was so excited when they said you'd be back for the alumni speech. 220 00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:15,479 I was a little surprised they asked me. 221 00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:19,024 Shut up. You're like a big, fancy lawyer. Why not you? 222 00:14:19,108 --> 00:14:22,945 Must be so weird to bump into Jen again. You guys were so close in school. 223 00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:25,030 Oh, we still are. We-- We live together. 224 00:14:26,782 --> 00:14:29,201 You're surprised we're still friends? 225 00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:32,204 No. No, no, no. Not at all. No. 226 00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:35,916 -Well, no. No, no, no. -What is it? 227 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,168 Do you not think that she was a bit of a drama queen 228 00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:40,170 and you had to live in her shadow a lot? 229 00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:42,256 I'm sorry, that's so mean. That's just-- 230 00:14:44,466 --> 00:14:46,969 I do try, but sometimes, it just... 231 00:14:48,470 --> 00:14:49,763 That's not how I remember it. 232 00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:52,391 She was always there when it really counted. 233 00:14:52,474 --> 00:14:54,393 Look, if my power has taught me anything, 234 00:14:54,476 --> 00:14:58,647 it's that what you think happened and what actually happened can be very different. 235 00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:00,482 I'm not remembering it wrong. 236 00:15:01,358 --> 00:15:02,985 I'll show you. 237 00:15:03,068 --> 00:15:04,320 You'll show me. 238 00:15:04,945 --> 00:15:07,448 Let's do it. Memory me. 239 00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:10,993 All right. I'm sure I'm wrong. 240 00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:19,001 When are we? 241 00:15:19,084 --> 00:15:22,588 -Our own prize-giving. Sixth form. 242 00:15:22,671 --> 00:15:24,506 Don't know why we're in the bathroom though. 243 00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:26,592 The ceremony should be in full swing. 244 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:28,761 What does it say? 245 00:15:28,844 --> 00:15:31,847 I'm not sure. All the instructions are in Polish. 246 00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:34,308 Well, it's the only one I could find in the corner sklep. 247 00:15:34,391 --> 00:15:36,226 -Who's the dad? -I don't know. Michael Duncan. 248 00:15:36,310 --> 00:15:37,645 Daniel Kim. 249 00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:38,729 Tom Welleridge. 250 00:15:38,812 --> 00:15:41,440 Oh! We'll have to do the Mamma Mia! thing in 18 years. 251 00:15:41,523 --> 00:15:43,025 I can't sing for shit, Carrie. 252 00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:44,526 What am I gonna do? 253 00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:45,778 I thought you were a virgin. 254 00:15:45,861 --> 00:15:48,489 I am. But we shared that bathroom on the coach trip to Bath, 255 00:15:48,572 --> 00:15:50,532 and I didn't wipe the seat before I sat down, 256 00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:53,243 and there was something wet, and I don't know if it was come. 257 00:15:53,327 --> 00:15:55,037 Jen, you're not pregnant. 258 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,163 Oh, you can read Polish? 259 00:15:56,246 --> 00:15:59,625 I need to go and pick up my award. Best attendance is a big deal. 260 00:15:59,708 --> 00:16:02,711 No, no, no. Stay, please. No, I'm gonna do one more for luck, 261 00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:04,964 -and I need you to stay and watch me pee. -Why? 262 00:16:05,047 --> 00:16:07,091 'Cause I'm feeling very vulnerable now, Carrie. 263 00:16:07,174 --> 00:16:09,635 And I can't focus with that staring at me. 264 00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:13,889 So she stopped you from picking up your own award. 265 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:17,559 Okay. That was bad. But one time doesn't make a pattern. 266 00:16:19,019 --> 00:16:20,229 There. 267 00:16:21,271 --> 00:16:23,983 Show me another one. I'm sure she'll redeem herself. 268 00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:31,573 Is this my graduation? 269 00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:34,451 I thought I'd pick a day that's all about you 270 00:16:34,535 --> 00:16:37,413 so that Jen can show how supportive she is. 271 00:16:37,496 --> 00:16:39,498 Uh, maybe we should try a different day. 272 00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:42,793 Carrie, I need your help. 273 00:16:42,876 --> 00:16:43,961 Mum doesn't know I dropped out. 274 00:16:44,044 --> 00:16:46,922 She thinks I'm graduating today and she's here. But obviously, I'm not. 275 00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:49,425 So I need to borrow your cap and stuff real quick. Is that okay? 276 00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:51,051 -What? -Just for the photo. 277 00:16:51,135 --> 00:16:53,262 -Smile. -I'm sorry. 278 00:16:53,345 --> 00:16:55,014 I know I'm such a fuck-up. 279 00:16:55,097 --> 00:16:56,765 No. It's-- It's fine. 280 00:16:58,851 --> 00:16:59,935 Smile. 281 00:17:03,063 --> 00:17:04,064 Ready? 282 00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:05,399 Smile. 283 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,193 -Yoo-hoo! Jennifer. -Hi, Mum! 284 00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:10,446 -You ready? -Yeah. No, I'm coming. 285 00:17:10,529 --> 00:17:12,031 Two minutes. 286 00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:13,866 Next. 287 00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:16,869 That's it. Chin up a bit. 288 00:17:16,952 --> 00:17:18,871 -Lovely. And smile. 289 00:17:20,831 --> 00:17:25,335 Okay. Historically, maybe she could've been better. 290 00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:29,089 But she-- she's changed. 291 00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:32,426 I mean, you changed. I better give her the benefit of the doubt. 292 00:17:32,509 --> 00:17:36,972 Or maybe you should sack up and stop being such a pushover. 293 00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:39,433 Don't get me wrong. Jen is a self-obsessed bitch. 294 00:17:39,516 --> 00:17:42,770 But you're just as bad, you simpering fucking jellyfish. 295 00:17:45,522 --> 00:17:48,525 I'm so sorry. You're just such an easy target. 296 00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:51,320 -I can't help myself. -It's okay. 297 00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,572 You're trying, and that's what counts. 298 00:17:54,990 --> 00:17:58,285 Stand up for yourself, you tepid slut. 299 00:17:58,368 --> 00:18:00,370 I need to remove myself from this situation. 300 00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:03,040 Carrie, good luck with the speech. It'll be great. 301 00:18:03,123 --> 00:18:04,208 You have a weird forehead, 302 00:18:04,291 --> 00:18:06,835 and that's the ugliest fucking jumper I've ever seen in my life. Goodbye. 303 00:18:10,005 --> 00:18:11,173 It's your jumper. 304 00:18:16,345 --> 00:18:17,888 I've written you an acceptance speech. 305 00:18:17,971 --> 00:18:20,015 -I want you to read it. -No. 306 00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,017 -Mum... -Okay, fine. Give it. 307 00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:27,815 -I'm not reading this. -Mother! 308 00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:30,234 Okay, okay. I'll read it. 309 00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:33,070 Weirdo. 310 00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:38,492 Oh, you're back. 311 00:18:38,575 --> 00:18:41,662 -Are you and Saint Rebecca best buds now? -No, don't think so. 312 00:18:41,745 --> 00:18:44,123 Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats. 313 00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:47,417 Oh, I better go. I wanna get a good seat. I don't want to miss anything. 314 00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:48,919 -Really? -Oh, my God. 315 00:18:49,002 --> 00:18:50,796 I've never looked forward to a speech more in my life. 316 00:18:50,879 --> 00:18:52,047 Oh, thank you. 317 00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,133 Michael! Down! 318 00:19:02,432 --> 00:19:03,809 Stupid birds. 319 00:19:03,892 --> 00:19:05,144 You ready to get out now? 320 00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:06,186 I think I am. 321 00:19:07,312 --> 00:19:08,647 But maybe just one more video. 322 00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:11,650 Type in "funny fire-safety demonstration fails." 323 00:19:11,733 --> 00:19:13,986 There's a really good one with a guy with a moustache. 324 00:19:14,069 --> 00:19:17,906 I don't wanna spoil it, but don't get too attached to the moustache. 325 00:19:18,782 --> 00:19:21,577 That man looks a bit like you. 326 00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:22,578 What? 327 00:19:22,661 --> 00:19:25,247 You! You with them? 328 00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:27,332 No, mate. Don't know 'em. 329 00:19:30,252 --> 00:19:32,921 Oh, God! Oh, God! 330 00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:34,006 Oh, God! 331 00:19:34,089 --> 00:19:38,468 -It's got 400,000 views. 332 00:19:38,552 --> 00:19:39,970 Is that a lot? 333 00:19:50,063 --> 00:19:51,398 I'll go sleep in the kitchen. 334 00:19:53,775 --> 00:19:57,321 And the physics prize goes to Maisie Costas. 335 00:19:57,404 --> 00:19:59,031 Big round of applause, please. 336 00:19:59,114 --> 00:20:01,992 No, no, no, no. 337 00:20:02,075 --> 00:20:03,493 Smaller round of applause, please. 338 00:20:08,874 --> 00:20:10,209 Take that thing off. 339 00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:13,337 I think I've nearly found them. 340 00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:19,801 I just want you to know, I'm here for you. 341 00:20:21,094 --> 00:20:24,765 And now, for the final award of the night. 342 00:20:24,848 --> 00:20:29,144 This goes to a gifted violinist who recently got into 343 00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:33,815 one of the most prestigious musical conservatoires in the country. 344 00:20:33,899 --> 00:20:37,027 The award for outstanding achievement goes to... 345 00:20:37,110 --> 00:20:38,403 Andy Douglas. 346 00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:03,637 Ladies, gentlemen, distinguished guests... 347 00:21:05,222 --> 00:21:07,599 -...Count Dracula. 348 00:21:07,683 --> 00:21:10,018 It's a pleasure to see you all here this evening. 349 00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:15,816 It might look like I, a humble lesbian, won this award all by myself, 350 00:21:15,899 --> 00:21:19,403 but my moderate success is all down to one person. 351 00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:22,197 My sister, Jennifer. 352 00:21:22,990 --> 00:21:24,324 Isn't that lovely? 353 00:21:25,993 --> 00:21:27,744 People say to me, 354 00:21:27,828 --> 00:21:34,126 "Andy, is it a living hell to have a sister who is a genius and also so hot?" 355 00:21:34,209 --> 00:21:39,464 -And to those people, I say, yes. 356 00:21:39,548 --> 00:21:41,758 But she's also done so much for me. 357 00:21:46,513 --> 00:21:49,433 When I had explosive diarrhoea at Disneyland Paris, 358 00:21:49,516 --> 00:21:52,561 who bartered with Goofy for his trousers to cover up my shame? 359 00:21:53,395 --> 00:21:58,608 When I was voted ugliest baby of 2004, who contested the judgement? 360 00:21:58,692 --> 00:22:01,445 When I demanded Nelson Mandela be put back in prison... 361 00:22:04,323 --> 00:22:05,574 Do you know what? 362 00:22:06,992 --> 00:22:08,744 I'd like to thank myself for this award. 363 00:22:10,037 --> 00:22:12,706 I've worked hard. I deserve it. 364 00:22:13,915 --> 00:22:18,003 Although, I would like to dedicate this award 365 00:22:18,086 --> 00:22:21,506 to all the people who have never achieved anything. 366 00:22:22,257 --> 00:22:25,510 Never been the best at anything. 367 00:22:25,594 --> 00:22:27,637 They must feel really lame 368 00:22:27,721 --> 00:22:31,600 and-- and lash out in pathetic ways because that's all they can do. 369 00:22:31,683 --> 00:22:36,813 So, yes, this is dedicated to my sister. 370 00:22:42,319 --> 00:22:45,447 -What are you doing? -Andy didn't get into the Conservatoire 371 00:22:45,530 --> 00:22:48,825 because she can't play the violin anymore because of her freakish strength. 372 00:22:48,909 --> 00:22:51,119 And she lied to all of you about it. 373 00:22:51,203 --> 00:22:53,205 And she broke her girlfriend's fanny. 374 00:23:00,462 --> 00:23:02,589 I think it might be Andy. 375 00:23:02,672 --> 00:23:05,926 Oh, here we go. No, we're not falling for it. 376 00:23:09,304 --> 00:23:11,556 Come on. We're not buying it. 377 00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:13,225 What have you done? 378 00:23:22,067 --> 00:23:22,943 No, hey. 379 00:23:27,072 --> 00:23:29,032 Let's get back on track. 380 00:23:29,116 --> 00:23:33,203 Please welcome Carrie Jackson, class of 2015. 381 00:23:40,419 --> 00:23:43,463 -At the bathroom. -The bathroom? 382 00:23:44,172 --> 00:23:46,508 What does it mean to achieve? 383 00:23:46,591 --> 00:23:49,594 But you couldn't for one evening, you little gobshite! 384 00:23:49,678 --> 00:23:51,763 You are a cold and barren woman! 385 00:23:51,847 --> 00:23:54,307 Well, there have been many definitions over the centuries. 386 00:23:54,391 --> 00:23:56,143 I was absolutely mortified. Mortified! 387 00:23:56,226 --> 00:23:58,937 Oh, no. Now Susan's not going to fuck you. 388 00:23:59,020 --> 00:24:01,189 -I don't want to fuck Susan! 389 00:24:01,273 --> 00:24:03,024 -Maybe I'll fuck Susan. 390 00:24:03,108 --> 00:24:05,819 It's the closest I'm going to get to a loving mother. 391 00:24:05,902 --> 00:24:08,405 -She's joking. She's joking. 392 00:24:12,826 --> 00:24:16,788 Um, success in the modern world is... 393 00:24:19,207 --> 00:24:20,208 Sorry. 394 00:24:25,672 --> 00:24:27,382 What does it mean to achieve? 395 00:24:29,885 --> 00:24:32,012 Oh, there you are. Where have you been? 396 00:24:32,095 --> 00:24:34,014 I think I left our drinks in here. 397 00:24:34,097 --> 00:24:38,226 Also, I've alienated my entire family and humiliated myself in front of everyone. 398 00:24:38,310 --> 00:24:39,561 So... 399 00:24:45,859 --> 00:24:47,486 -Carrie? -What? 400 00:24:47,569 --> 00:24:49,529 I think I've really fucked it actually. 401 00:24:49,613 --> 00:24:52,073 Have you? Again? Shocker. 402 00:24:52,157 --> 00:24:54,117 Why you being weird? I'm having a crisis here. 403 00:24:54,201 --> 00:24:56,536 -Course you are. -Can you tell me why you're mad at me? 404 00:24:56,620 --> 00:24:58,872 I don't have the mental capacity for this right now. 405 00:25:03,835 --> 00:25:05,337 I was meant to speak. 406 00:25:05,962 --> 00:25:08,089 And now, because of your tantrum, I don't get to. 407 00:25:10,300 --> 00:25:13,053 -Why are you laughing? -I thought it was something serious. 408 00:25:13,136 --> 00:25:15,096 Ah, so it's only your problems that are important. 409 00:25:15,180 --> 00:25:17,807 I'm sure you have plenty of problems, with your long-term boyfriend 410 00:25:17,891 --> 00:25:19,726 and your promising career and your cool power. 411 00:25:19,809 --> 00:25:22,062 My power is not all it's cracked up to be. 412 00:25:22,145 --> 00:25:23,063 It got you a job. 413 00:25:23,146 --> 00:25:25,815 Do you know how many people wanna speak to me? 414 00:25:25,899 --> 00:25:27,692 Not someone famous. 415 00:25:27,776 --> 00:25:30,278 Not some pharaoh or president. Just me. 416 00:25:30,362 --> 00:25:31,196 No one. 417 00:25:31,279 --> 00:25:34,908 -I have to listen to you now, so... -No one ever cares what I have to say. 418 00:25:35,617 --> 00:25:38,328 Well, they did tonight. But of course, you couldn't let that happen. 419 00:25:38,411 --> 00:25:41,248 You couldn't bear an interruption of the Jen show. 420 00:25:41,331 --> 00:25:42,415 So I'm selfish? 421 00:25:42,499 --> 00:25:45,293 Yes. You always have been. 422 00:25:45,377 --> 00:25:46,545 It's always been about you. 423 00:25:46,628 --> 00:25:48,588 Oh, stop being so dramatic. 424 00:25:49,714 --> 00:25:51,299 Who did I lose my virginity to? 425 00:25:52,259 --> 00:25:54,511 Okay, what foods am I allergic to? 426 00:25:54,594 --> 00:25:55,804 When did my nan die? 427 00:25:55,887 --> 00:25:58,056 -Fifth year. -My nan's alive. 428 00:25:59,140 --> 00:26:01,017 But as if you know those things about me. 429 00:26:01,101 --> 00:26:04,479 Peter Hamzi, dairy but you refuse to acknowledge it, 2014. 430 00:26:09,150 --> 00:26:13,196 Look, uh, Carrie, you have no idea what it's like to be me. 431 00:26:14,239 --> 00:26:15,782 I've got nothing. 432 00:26:16,992 --> 00:26:19,494 I'm sorry if I'm not dealing with it with enough grace. 433 00:26:21,830 --> 00:26:24,124 Oh, boo-fucking-hoo! 434 00:26:25,041 --> 00:26:27,752 I don't think you ever wanna get a power. I think you like it. 435 00:26:27,836 --> 00:26:29,921 It gives you an excuse to be a shitty person 436 00:26:30,005 --> 00:26:31,506 because the world is mean to you. 437 00:26:31,590 --> 00:26:35,719 But has the smallest seed of thought ever passed through your brain 438 00:26:35,802 --> 00:26:38,972 that maybe you're not some troubled, tragic martyr? 439 00:26:39,055 --> 00:26:40,473 Maybe you're just a nob. 440 00:26:40,557 --> 00:26:41,641 Fuck off! 441 00:26:46,938 --> 00:26:47,939 Okay. 442 00:27:27,604 --> 00:27:30,649 Kash! The girls are back and I'm scared your bubbles have, um... 443 00:27:30,732 --> 00:27:34,361 Okay. Here we go. Let's cover up the shame. 444 00:27:34,444 --> 00:27:36,905 Thank you. 445 00:27:36,988 --> 00:27:40,492 There we go. No more penis. 446 00:27:40,575 --> 00:27:41,576 Lovely. 447 00:27:42,661 --> 00:27:43,662 Shall I get the brush?