1
00:00:01,461 --> 00:00:07,181
It is our differences
that make us special.
2
00:00:07,264 --> 00:00:13,284
So, to conclude,
you are your greatest asset.
3
00:00:14,237 --> 00:00:16,657
You are you.
4
00:00:22,461 --> 00:00:26,471
That's the best speech
by a returning alumni I've ever heard.
5
00:00:39,161 --> 00:00:40,161
Hey.
6
00:00:43,003 --> 00:00:46,183
That well-structured
but emotionally resonant piece of oratory
7
00:00:46,259 --> 00:00:48,009
made me remember how sexy you are.
8
00:00:48,096 --> 00:00:50,806
Carrie! Carrie!
9
00:00:50,893 --> 00:00:55,493
Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! Carrie!
10
00:00:55,570 --> 00:01:00,450
Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! Carrie!
11
00:01:00,538 --> 00:01:04,588
- Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! Carrie!
- Carrie!
12
00:01:04,671 --> 00:01:05,921
Carrie?
13
00:01:06,007 --> 00:01:07,717
Carrie?
14
00:01:07,802 --> 00:01:10,102
I said, do you remember it
being this small?
15
00:01:10,182 --> 00:01:12,062
I swear it was bigger when we were here.
16
00:01:12,144 --> 00:01:13,734
Maybe we've just grown up.
17
00:01:14,357 --> 00:01:15,357
Oh.
18
00:01:15,442 --> 00:01:16,652
- Crazy.
- Crazy.
19
00:01:16,737 --> 00:01:17,777
Jinx!
20
00:01:17,864 --> 00:01:19,834
- Ow!
- Dead arm! No taksies backsies!
21
00:01:19,910 --> 00:01:21,660
♪ Don't fall in love with me yet ♪
22
00:01:21,747 --> 00:01:23,497
♪ We only recently met ♪
23
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:25,004
♪ True, I'm in love with you ♪
24
00:01:25,087 --> 00:01:27,007
♪ But you might decide I'm a nut ♪
25
00:01:27,091 --> 00:01:28,341
♪ Give me a week or two ♪
26
00:01:28,426 --> 00:01:30,926
♪ To go absolutely cuckoo ♪
27
00:01:31,015 --> 00:01:32,805
♪ Then when you see your error ♪
28
00:01:32,894 --> 00:01:34,444
♪ Then you can flee the cuckoo ♪
29
00:01:44,626 --> 00:01:46,916
Attention, everybody.
30
00:01:47,757 --> 00:01:48,757
Thank you.
31
00:01:49,678 --> 00:01:54,478
Now, we will be kicking off at 7.45
with the head-girl speech.
32
00:01:54,563 --> 00:01:58,283
Then, subject awards, attendance awards,
33
00:01:58,361 --> 00:02:02,701
and finally, our closing keynote alumni.
34
00:02:04,165 --> 00:02:08,045
Now, while I have you all here,
may I remind all parents that...
35
00:02:08,131 --> 00:02:10,391
Michael!
36
00:02:11,179 --> 00:02:15,099
Powers are not permitted
on school premises.
37
00:02:15,187 --> 00:02:17,527
Get down.
38
00:02:20,197 --> 00:02:21,987
- Wanker.
- I heard...
39
00:02:24,748 --> 00:02:26,078
I heard that.
40
00:02:32,514 --> 00:02:35,694
So, I'm getting the outstanding
achievement award,
41
00:02:35,770 --> 00:02:38,110
and Carrie's doing the alumni speech.
42
00:02:38,191 --> 00:02:39,441
What are you doing, Jen?
43
00:02:39,528 --> 00:02:40,528
I'm doing your dad.
44
00:02:40,613 --> 00:02:42,283
- Mary, I swear, I...
- Ian, I know.
45
00:02:42,366 --> 00:02:46,326
Jen has the very important job
this evening of supporting her family.
46
00:02:46,415 --> 00:02:48,815
- Do we trust Jen with important jobs?
- Well, your dad does.
47
00:02:48,879 --> 00:02:50,734
Because I'm giving him blow jobs.
I'm blowing him.
48
00:02:50,758 --> 00:02:52,218
- Mary, I didn't touch...
- Shut up.
49
00:02:52,302 --> 00:02:54,562
Jesus, there's Susan.
Shut up about blowing each other.
50
00:02:54,641 --> 00:02:56,621
- Who's Susan?
- Mum's trying to get in Susan's clique.
51
00:02:56,645 --> 00:02:58,765
- I told her you can read minds.
- What?
52
00:02:58,858 --> 00:03:00,778
I told her you can read minds.
53
00:03:00,862 --> 00:03:02,622
Susan, hello!
54
00:03:02,699 --> 00:03:04,909
How do you stay so young-looking?
55
00:03:04,995 --> 00:03:07,575
We'll be mistaking you
for one of the students next.
56
00:03:07,667 --> 00:03:10,257
But you know, one of the sexy ones.
57
00:03:16,225 --> 00:03:20,065
Andy, congratulations again.
Greenwich Conservatoire?
58
00:03:20,150 --> 00:03:21,780
- Incredible.
- Yes.
59
00:03:21,862 --> 00:03:24,372
And this must be Jen.
60
00:03:32,675 --> 00:03:34,545
Oh.
61
00:03:35,890 --> 00:03:37,520
Yeah, good one.
62
00:03:37,602 --> 00:03:38,652
What do you mean?
63
00:03:39,229 --> 00:03:41,609
Good one.
64
00:03:41,693 --> 00:03:42,693
Yeah, very funny.
65
00:03:43,237 --> 00:03:44,947
You think it's funny that I was asking
66
00:03:45,033 --> 00:03:47,293
if you knew that Mrs Henderson
had passed away?
67
00:03:52,882 --> 00:03:53,882
I…
68
00:03:53,967 --> 00:03:58,347
Oh, I can see Flo waving at me.
I better…
69
00:03:59,269 --> 00:04:02,529
- Why did you tell her I could read minds?
- I thought it sounded impressive.
70
00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:05,490
It's better than explaining
your whole situation.
71
00:04:05,574 --> 00:04:09,044
Jen, look. I know you're riddled
with fear and anxiety.
72
00:04:09,123 --> 00:04:10,923
Feelings of shame around
your changing body.
73
00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:12,438
- That's not what I'm feeling.
- Sorry.
74
00:04:12,462 --> 00:04:16,352
It's hard to differentiate in groups.
Especially teenagers.
75
00:04:17,765 --> 00:04:19,555
No, no, no. That's not normal.
76
00:04:19,644 --> 00:04:23,284
Someone is bursting
at the emotional seams in here.
77
00:04:23,986 --> 00:04:25,986
I'm trained in mental-health first aid.
78
00:04:27,618 --> 00:04:29,748
- I must find them.
- What are you doing?
79
00:04:29,831 --> 00:04:34,471
If I lose one sense,
the others get sharper.
80
00:04:34,549 --> 00:04:36,759
I feel you.
81
00:04:36,845 --> 00:04:39,555
♪ It's new world now
Don't discriminate ♪
82
00:04:39,642 --> 00:04:42,732
♪ Everyone is equally
A master and a slave ♪
83
00:04:42,815 --> 00:04:44,605
♪ It's new world now
Don't discriminate… ♪
84
00:04:44,694 --> 00:04:49,164
"Every day, I get to meet people
from all walks of life. From kids…"
85
00:04:50,330 --> 00:04:53,920
What would make this evening go
from unbearable to just about bearable?
86
00:04:54,004 --> 00:04:56,804
Humility and the support of good friends.
87
00:04:56,885 --> 00:04:58,805
Close. Getting shit-faced.
88
00:04:59,891 --> 00:05:02,151
Where are you gonna find drinks
in a school?
89
00:05:02,229 --> 00:05:03,939
Right where we left them.
90
00:05:05,026 --> 00:05:06,236
The stash.
91
00:05:07,949 --> 00:05:08,949
The stash.
92
00:05:11,122 --> 00:05:12,582
♪ Do you want me to ♪
93
00:05:13,627 --> 00:05:15,547
♪ Do you need me to ♪
94
00:05:16,465 --> 00:05:18,135
♪ Do you choose me to ♪
95
00:05:19,054 --> 00:05:20,604
♪ Break the rules with you ♪
96
00:05:21,518 --> 00:05:24,398
Really think no one's found it
after all these years?
97
00:05:24,481 --> 00:05:28,321
Where do you put something you don't
want disturbed in a Catholic school?
98
00:05:37,132 --> 00:05:38,642
Thank you, Jesus.
99
00:05:50,283 --> 00:05:51,293
Jesus.
100
00:05:51,870 --> 00:05:54,500
I don't know.
I-I should stay sharp for my speech.
101
00:05:54,584 --> 00:05:55,844
And it's a weeknight.
102
00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:56,920
Oh, come on.
103
00:05:57,005 --> 00:05:59,755
It's just sad
if I make poor decisions by myself.
104
00:05:59,844 --> 00:06:01,184
For me?
105
00:06:03,977 --> 00:06:04,977
Ah, class. Fags.
106
00:06:06,524 --> 00:06:07,534
Hello?
107
00:06:08,654 --> 00:06:11,414
We're closing up this corridor.
Is anyone there?
108
00:06:17,588 --> 00:06:19,968
- I think it's Rebecca Baxter.
- Rebecca Baxter?
109
00:06:20,051 --> 00:06:23,271
Rebecca "personally gave half
of our year eating disorders" Baxter?
110
00:06:23,349 --> 00:06:24,729
All the spit just left my mouth.
111
00:06:24,811 --> 00:06:26,456
I always thought
when I'd run into an old bully,
112
00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:29,490
I'd be able to rub something
in their face, but I've got nothing.
113
00:06:29,570 --> 00:06:31,320
What if she makes me cry?
114
00:06:31,407 --> 00:06:34,577
Never let a predator smell your fear.
Come on, quick. Make yourself big.
115
00:06:37,419 --> 00:06:40,259
Carrie Jackson? Jennifer Regan?
116
00:06:40,884 --> 00:06:42,144
Oh, my God.
117
00:06:44,474 --> 00:06:46,734
It has been so long.
118
00:06:46,813 --> 00:06:50,743
How have you guys been? You look so good.
119
00:06:50,821 --> 00:06:52,281
Why are you here?
120
00:06:52,365 --> 00:06:53,785
I work here. I'm a teacher.
121
00:06:53,869 --> 00:06:56,789
Why? Oh, do they let you hit the kids now?
122
00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:59,585
You were always so funny, Jen.
123
00:07:00,841 --> 00:07:02,391
So, what have you guys been up to?
124
00:07:02,469 --> 00:07:04,349
Oh, God. Duh. What did you get?
125
00:07:04,431 --> 00:07:05,521
Conduit for the dead.
126
00:07:05,601 --> 00:07:08,821
Spooky. Kinda similar actually.
I can revisit memories.
127
00:07:09,609 --> 00:07:11,989
What about you, Jen?
I bet it's something really cool.
128
00:07:12,072 --> 00:07:14,372
What is your deal? Hmm?
Why are you being so nice?
129
00:07:14,451 --> 00:07:16,461
Did you become some
weird kind of Christian,
130
00:07:16,539 --> 00:07:18,079
or... or are you dying? What is it?
131
00:07:20,088 --> 00:07:25,848
Honestly, when I got my power,
I would go back and watch myself, and…
132
00:07:27,561 --> 00:07:28,561
Oh, boy. Yeah.
133
00:07:28,647 --> 00:07:32,197
So, it turns out, being able to replay
all the terrible things you've ever done
134
00:07:32,278 --> 00:07:34,278
makes you rethink some stuff.
135
00:07:34,366 --> 00:07:37,406
- So I'm nice now.
- Prove it.
136
00:07:37,497 --> 00:07:40,167
Well, it's, like,
more of a general state of being.
137
00:07:40,253 --> 00:07:42,843
- I don't know how to...
- Money. You could give us money.
138
00:07:42,925 --> 00:07:44,675
Um, yeah, all right.
139
00:07:47,267 --> 00:07:49,977
- I've actually only got a 20.
- Yeah. That'll do. Yeah. Yep.
140
00:07:50,064 --> 00:07:51,074
Thank you.
141
00:07:51,943 --> 00:07:54,703
Carrie, are you okay?
You seem a bit tense.
142
00:07:54,782 --> 00:07:57,252
I-I've got some camomile tea
in the staff room.
143
00:07:57,328 --> 00:07:59,668
- Let me make you a cup?
- Okay.
144
00:07:59,750 --> 00:08:02,010
Great, great. It-It's just down the hall.
145
00:08:25,426 --> 00:08:27,006
You gonna be much longer?
146
00:08:27,556 --> 00:08:31,976
I don't know. How long does it take
to wash off the stain of cowardice?
147
00:08:32,608 --> 00:08:34,238
Have you tried scrubbing it?
148
00:08:34,319 --> 00:08:35,319
Leave me alone.
149
00:08:35,404 --> 00:08:37,164
I'd quite like my bed back.
150
00:08:37,242 --> 00:08:38,702
I'll get out when I'm ready.
151
00:08:40,832 --> 00:08:42,092
When will that be?
152
00:08:42,168 --> 00:08:45,798
When I no longer feel
the cruel sting of sadness.
153
00:08:47,930 --> 00:08:50,100
So, like, five minutes?
154
00:09:00,121 --> 00:09:02,791
♪ Looking for my place
On assembly lines… ♪
155
00:09:05,841 --> 00:09:07,341
Jesus.
156
00:09:07,427 --> 00:09:09,807
♪ Smoke rings blow
From across the disco ♪
157
00:09:10,474 --> 00:09:12,694
Why is your mum sending me outfit options
158
00:09:12,771 --> 00:09:14,401
for the family Christmas card?
159
00:09:14,482 --> 00:09:15,782
She still thinks we're together.
160
00:09:15,861 --> 00:09:18,425
I haven't even told her about not getting
into the Conservatoire yet.
161
00:09:18,449 --> 00:09:20,579
I can't tell her
that we've broken up as well.
162
00:09:20,662 --> 00:09:22,712
- Well, it's not my problem.
- I know!
163
00:09:26,256 --> 00:09:28,256
Sort yourself out.
164
00:09:37,655 --> 00:09:38,655
Fuck!
165
00:09:44,042 --> 00:09:46,802
- What are you doing in here?
- I was having a really quiet pooh.
166
00:09:46,881 --> 00:09:49,070
- What did you hear?
- You didn't get into the Conservatoire.
167
00:09:49,094 --> 00:09:51,684
- You've been lying to everyone.
- I haven't.
168
00:09:51,766 --> 00:09:54,096
Oh! You bashed up your violin, didn't you?
169
00:09:54,187 --> 00:09:57,947
I knew this power would come back to
bite you in your freakishly strong arse.
170
00:10:01,118 --> 00:10:02,448
Are you okay?
171
00:10:03,122 --> 00:10:04,332
"Are you okay?"
172
00:10:04,416 --> 00:10:06,036
Yeah, I'm okay.
173
00:10:06,128 --> 00:10:08,088
At least I have something
in my life to ruin.
174
00:10:08,173 --> 00:10:09,773
What is the worst-case scenario for you?
175
00:10:09,802 --> 00:10:11,532
The funeral home stops selling
your foundation?
176
00:10:11,556 --> 00:10:14,936
Why did your girlfriend dump you, anyway?
Did you break her fanny?
177
00:10:17,108 --> 00:10:19,658
- Did you break her fanny?
- It was a hairline pelvic fracture.
178
00:10:19,739 --> 00:10:22,449
Oh, my God! You finger-blasted
your girlfriend into the hospital.
179
00:10:22,536 --> 00:10:25,456
- This is the best day of my life.
- You are such a fucking child.
180
00:10:25,542 --> 00:10:27,922
- I'm gonna tell Mum.
- Don't tell Mum. Please.
181
00:10:30,092 --> 00:10:31,682
I'll do whatever you want.
182
00:10:32,890 --> 00:10:35,480
- Whatever I want.
- Well, not sex stuff. Ew.
183
00:10:35,562 --> 00:10:37,982
- Oh, my God.
- I didn't say sex stuff. Gross.
184
00:10:38,066 --> 00:10:40,213
- It came out in a really nonce-y tone.
- I'll tell you what.
185
00:10:40,237 --> 00:10:41,957
Never call me a nonce again.
That's a start.
186
00:10:42,951 --> 00:10:44,251
Hello.
187
00:10:44,329 --> 00:10:46,369
- Me again.
- Why didn't I lock the door?
188
00:10:47,628 --> 00:10:48,668
I'm gonna cheer you up.
189
00:10:49,297 --> 00:10:50,417
What are you hiding?
190
00:10:51,468 --> 00:10:52,548
The brush.
191
00:10:53,180 --> 00:10:54,640
Put it down.
192
00:10:54,725 --> 00:10:57,605
One of the few things I remember
from the cat times:
193
00:10:57,689 --> 00:10:59,989
Getting the brush, pure bliss.
194
00:11:00,069 --> 00:11:01,989
- Don't brush me!
- Relax.
195
00:11:02,073 --> 00:11:05,003
The brush is very powerful.
196
00:11:05,079 --> 00:11:06,919
No, I said don't... d-don't brush me!
197
00:11:12,009 --> 00:11:13,009
Oh.
198
00:11:14,472 --> 00:11:16,062
- It's actually quite nice.
- Shh.
199
00:11:16,686 --> 00:11:19,776
No thoughts. Just brush. Who's a good boy?
200
00:11:21,696 --> 00:11:24,826
- Me.
- And good boys get the brush.
201
00:11:26,956 --> 00:11:28,416
Mmm.
202
00:11:28,500 --> 00:11:29,500
What the fuck! Stop.
203
00:11:29,587 --> 00:11:31,357
- You don't like the brush?
- No, it's fucking weird.
204
00:11:31,381 --> 00:11:32,986
- Then what makes you happy?
- I don't know!
205
00:11:33,010 --> 00:11:35,350
Everyone always yells at me
for not knowing stuff,
206
00:11:35,431 --> 00:11:37,495
but how am I supposed to know
if people won't tell me?
207
00:11:37,519 --> 00:11:38,609
Penguins.
208
00:11:40,734 --> 00:11:42,784
I like videos of penguins falling over.
209
00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:45,740
It's what makes me happy.
210
00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:50,923
You will do anything I say,
or I'm telling.
211
00:11:52,256 --> 00:11:57,936
Girls, Susan has this great story
about Tesco.
212
00:11:58,018 --> 00:12:00,148
It's... It's mad.
213
00:12:00,649 --> 00:12:01,649
Go on.
214
00:12:01,734 --> 00:12:06,164
I thought something was full price,
and when I got to the till it was reduced.
215
00:12:19,979 --> 00:12:21,479
Oh, Jesus!
216
00:12:22,609 --> 00:12:24,989
It's like Richard Pryor never died.
217
00:12:25,824 --> 00:12:29,044
- Where did you two go to?
- Just doing some sisterly bonding.
218
00:12:29,122 --> 00:12:30,922
I'm so glad that you're here, Susan.
219
00:12:31,001 --> 00:12:33,971
You know, Andy was just about
to do the family dance.
220
00:12:34,048 --> 00:12:37,348
Oh, it's been years since you've done
the family dance.
221
00:12:37,430 --> 00:12:40,036
- I'm not doing the family dance.
- Oh, I wanna see the family dance.
222
00:12:40,060 --> 00:12:41,060
What's the family dance?
223
00:12:41,146 --> 00:12:43,896
It's a dance that Andy made up
224
00:12:43,985 --> 00:12:46,985
when she was taking
break-dancing lessons in primary.
225
00:12:47,074 --> 00:12:49,504
- You said you were too old for it.
- I am.
226
00:12:53,588 --> 00:12:55,588
You're never too old
for the magic of dance.
227
00:12:55,675 --> 00:12:57,425
Oh!
228
00:13:27,697 --> 00:13:30,787
Okay, that's...
That's enough of that. Okay.
229
00:13:43,646 --> 00:13:45,146
Are you cold?
230
00:13:45,232 --> 00:13:46,232
No.
231
00:13:46,317 --> 00:13:48,357
Well, it's a bit chilly, but I'm fine.
232
00:13:48,446 --> 00:13:50,786
Oh, my God. Here.
Just take... take my jumper.
233
00:13:50,869 --> 00:13:53,329
- No, no, no, no.
- Take my jumper, you...
234
00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:55,835
I'm sorry.
Please take my jumper.
235
00:13:56,755 --> 00:13:57,875
But then you'll be cold.
236
00:13:58,634 --> 00:13:59,634
Here, take my jumper.
237
00:13:59,678 --> 00:14:01,518
- Don't be silly.
- No, I insist.
238
00:14:01,599 --> 00:14:03,139
Okay, that's fine.
239
00:14:04,061 --> 00:14:05,691
- Okay. Sorry. Thank you.
- Thank you.
240
00:14:10,282 --> 00:14:11,282
Thank you.
241
00:14:11,367 --> 00:14:14,627
I was so excited when they said
you'd be back for the alumni speech.
242
00:14:15,334 --> 00:14:17,464
I was a little surprised they asked me.
243
00:14:17,547 --> 00:14:21,007
Shut up. You're like a big, fancy lawyer.
Why not you?
244
00:14:21,095 --> 00:14:24,935
Must be so weird to bump into Jen again.
You guys were so close in school.
245
00:14:25,020 --> 00:14:27,020
Oh, we still are. We... We live together.
246
00:14:27,859 --> 00:14:28,689
Oh.
247
00:14:28,778 --> 00:14:31,198
You're surprised we're still friends?
248
00:14:31,282 --> 00:14:34,212
No. No, no, no. Not at all. No.
249
00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:37,881
- Well, no. No, no, no.
- What is it?
250
00:14:37,963 --> 00:14:40,133
Do you not think
that she was a bit of a drama queen
251
00:14:40,217 --> 00:14:42,137
and you had to live in her shadow a lot?
252
00:14:42,221 --> 00:14:44,231
I'm sorry, that's so mean. That's just...
253
00:14:46,437 --> 00:14:48,937
I do try, but sometimes, it just…
254
00:14:50,445 --> 00:14:51,735
That's not how I remember it.
255
00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:54,374
She was always there
when it really counted.
256
00:14:54,453 --> 00:14:56,373
Look, if my power has taught me anything,
257
00:14:56,457 --> 00:15:00,627
it's that what you think happened and what
actually happened can be very different.
258
00:15:00,717 --> 00:15:02,467
I'm not remembering it wrong.
259
00:15:03,346 --> 00:15:04,976
I'll show you.
260
00:15:05,058 --> 00:15:06,308
You'll show me.
261
00:15:06,937 --> 00:15:09,437
Let's do it. Memory me.
262
00:15:10,570 --> 00:15:12,990
All right. I'm sure I'm wrong.
263
00:15:19,588 --> 00:15:20,968
When are we?
264
00:15:21,049 --> 00:15:24,559
Our own prize-giving. Sixth form.
265
00:15:24,639 --> 00:15:26,479
Don't know why
we're in the bathroom though.
266
00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:28,560
The ceremony should be in full swing.
267
00:15:28,647 --> 00:15:29,647
Oh.
268
00:15:29,733 --> 00:15:30,743
What does it say?
269
00:15:30,818 --> 00:15:33,818
I'm not sure.
All the instructions are in Polish.
270
00:15:33,908 --> 00:15:36,288
Well, it's the only one I could find
in the corner sklep.
271
00:15:36,370 --> 00:15:38,250
- Who's the dad?
- I don't know. Michael Duncan.
272
00:15:38,291 --> 00:15:39,631
Daniel Kim.
273
00:15:39,711 --> 00:15:40,711
Tom Welleridge.
274
00:15:40,797 --> 00:15:43,427
Oh! We'll have to do
the Mamma Mia! thing in 18 years.
275
00:15:43,511 --> 00:15:45,011
I can't sing for shit, Carrie.
276
00:15:45,097 --> 00:15:46,517
What am I gonna do?
277
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:47,770
I thought you were a virgin.
278
00:15:47,852 --> 00:15:50,482
I am. But we shared that bathroom
on the coach trip to Bath,
279
00:15:50,566 --> 00:15:52,526
and I didn't wipe the seat
before I sat down,
280
00:15:52,612 --> 00:15:55,242
and there was something wet,
and I don't know if it was come.
281
00:15:55,325 --> 00:15:57,035
Jen, you're not pregnant.
282
00:15:57,121 --> 00:15:58,161
Oh, you can read Polish?
283
00:15:58,248 --> 00:16:01,588
I need to go and pick up my award.
Best attendance is a big deal.
284
00:16:01,672 --> 00:16:04,682
No, no, no. Stay, please.
No, I'm gonna do one more for luck,
285
00:16:04,761 --> 00:16:06,931
- and I need you to stay and watch me pee.
- Why?
286
00:16:07,015 --> 00:16:09,055
'Cause I'm feeling
very vulnerable now, Carrie.
287
00:16:09,145 --> 00:16:11,605
And I can't focus with that staring at me.
288
00:16:13,486 --> 00:16:15,866
So she stopped you
from picking up your own award.
289
00:16:15,950 --> 00:16:19,540
Okay. That was bad.
But one time doesn't make a pattern.
290
00:16:21,002 --> 00:16:22,212
There.
291
00:16:23,256 --> 00:16:25,966
Show me another one.
I'm sure she'll redeem herself.
292
00:16:32,274 --> 00:16:33,574
Is this my graduation?
293
00:16:33,652 --> 00:16:36,452
I thought I'd pick a day
that's all about you
294
00:16:36,533 --> 00:16:39,413
so that Jen can show
how supportive she is.
295
00:16:39,496 --> 00:16:41,496
Uh, maybe we should try a different day.
296
00:16:43,296 --> 00:16:44,756
Carrie, I need your help.
297
00:16:44,841 --> 00:16:45,986
Mum doesn't know I dropped out.
298
00:16:46,010 --> 00:16:48,890
She thinks I'm graduating today
and she's here. But obviously, I'm not.
299
00:16:48,974 --> 00:16:51,455
So I need to borrow your cap
and stuff real quick. Is that okay?
300
00:16:51,479 --> 00:16:53,019
- What?
- Just for the photo.
301
00:16:53,107 --> 00:16:55,237
- Smile.
- I'm sorry.
302
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:56,990
I know I'm such a fuck-up.
303
00:16:57,074 --> 00:16:58,744
No. It's... It's fine.
304
00:17:00,831 --> 00:17:01,921
Smile.
305
00:17:05,048 --> 00:17:06,048
Ready?
306
00:17:06,551 --> 00:17:07,551
Smile.
307
00:17:08,388 --> 00:17:10,178
- Yoo-hoo! Jennifer.
- Hi, Mum!
308
00:17:10,267 --> 00:17:12,437
- You ready?
- Yeah. No, I'm coming.
309
00:17:12,522 --> 00:17:14,022
Two minutes.
310
00:17:14,693 --> 00:17:15,863
Next.
311
00:17:17,114 --> 00:17:18,874
That's it. Chin up a bit.
312
00:17:18,951 --> 00:17:20,871
Lovely. And smile.
313
00:17:22,834 --> 00:17:27,304
Okay. Historically,
maybe she could've been better.
314
00:17:27,969 --> 00:17:31,059
- But she... she's changed.
- Mm-hmm.
315
00:17:31,142 --> 00:17:34,402
I mean, you changed. I better give her
the benefit of the doubt.
316
00:17:34,481 --> 00:17:38,951
Or maybe you should sack up
and stop being such a pushover.
317
00:17:39,033 --> 00:17:41,413
Don't get me wrong.
Jen is a self-obsessed bitch.
318
00:17:41,495 --> 00:17:44,745
But you're just as bad,
you simpering fucking jellyfish.
319
00:17:47,508 --> 00:17:50,508
I'm so sorry.
You're just such an easy target.
320
00:17:50,598 --> 00:17:53,308
- I can't help myself.
- It's okay.
321
00:17:53,394 --> 00:17:55,574
You're trying, and that's what counts.
322
00:17:56,985 --> 00:18:00,275
Stand up for yourself, you tepid slut.
323
00:18:00,367 --> 00:18:02,367
I need to remove myself
from this situation.
324
00:18:02,454 --> 00:18:05,044
Carrie, good luck with the speech.
It'll be great.
325
00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:06,166
You have a weird forehead,
326
00:18:06,253 --> 00:18:09,133
and that's the ugliest fucking jumper
I've ever seen in my life. Goodbye.
327
00:18:11,973 --> 00:18:13,143
It's your jumper.
328
00:18:18,319 --> 00:18:19,859
I've written you an acceptance speech.
329
00:18:19,948 --> 00:18:21,988
- I want you to read it.
- No.
330
00:18:22,077 --> 00:18:23,997
- Mum…
- Okay, fine. Give it.
331
00:18:27,505 --> 00:18:29,795
- I'm not reading this.
- Mother!
332
00:18:29,884 --> 00:18:32,224
Okay, okay. I'll read it.
333
00:18:33,934 --> 00:18:35,064
Weirdo.
334
00:18:37,190 --> 00:18:38,190
Oh.
335
00:18:38,944 --> 00:18:40,494
Oh, you're back.
336
00:18:40,573 --> 00:18:43,663
- Are you and Saint Rebecca best buds now?
- No, don't think so.
337
00:18:43,746 --> 00:18:46,126
Ladies and gentlemen,
please take your seats.
338
00:18:46,208 --> 00:18:49,378
Oh, I better go. I wanna get a good seat.
I don't want to miss anything.
339
00:18:49,465 --> 00:18:50,885
- Really?
- Oh, my God.
340
00:18:50,968 --> 00:18:52,823
I've never looked forward
to a speech more in my life.
341
00:18:52,847 --> 00:18:54,017
Oh, thank you.
342
00:18:54,099 --> 00:18:56,099
Michael! Down!
343
00:18:56,730 --> 00:18:57,730
♪ Uh-huh ♪
344
00:18:59,151 --> 00:19:00,241
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
345
00:19:04,411 --> 00:19:05,791
Stupid birds.
346
00:19:05,873 --> 00:19:07,133
You ready to get out now?
347
00:19:07,209 --> 00:19:08,209
I think I am.
348
00:19:09,296 --> 00:19:10,626
But maybe just one more video.
349
00:19:11,383 --> 00:19:13,643
Type in
"funny fire-safety demonstration fails."
350
00:19:13,722 --> 00:19:15,982
There's a really good one
with a guy with a moustache.
351
00:19:16,060 --> 00:19:19,900
I don't wanna spoil it, but don't get
too attached to the moustache.
352
00:19:20,778 --> 00:19:23,578
That man looks a bit like you.
353
00:19:23,659 --> 00:19:24,579
What?
354
00:19:24,661 --> 00:19:27,251
You! You with them?
355
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,290
No, mate. Don't know 'em.
356
00:19:32,217 --> 00:19:34,887
Oh, God! Oh, God!
357
00:19:34,973 --> 00:19:35,983
Oh, God!
358
00:19:36,058 --> 00:19:40,438
It's got 400,000 views.
359
00:19:40,526 --> 00:19:41,946
Is that a lot?
360
00:19:42,028 --> 00:19:46,248
♪ Let's sit around and drink some sake ♪
361
00:19:47,665 --> 00:19:51,965
♪ And we can argue about the same things ♪
362
00:19:52,048 --> 00:19:53,378
I'll go sleep in the kitchen.
363
00:19:54,469 --> 00:19:56,679
♪ Talk about neighbours
On the front... ♪
364
00:19:56,766 --> 00:20:00,316
And the physics prize
goes to Maisie Costas.
365
00:20:00,398 --> 00:20:02,028
Big round of applause, please.
366
00:20:02,110 --> 00:20:04,990
No, no, no, no.
367
00:20:05,074 --> 00:20:06,494
Smaller round of applause, please.
368
00:20:11,838 --> 00:20:13,168
Take that thing off.
369
00:20:14,719 --> 00:20:16,309
I think I've nearly found them.
370
00:20:18,267 --> 00:20:19,267
Oh.
371
00:20:19,854 --> 00:20:22,784
I just want you to know, I'm here for you.
372
00:20:24,071 --> 00:20:27,751
And now,
for the final award of the night.
373
00:20:27,828 --> 00:20:32,128
This goes to a gifted violinist
who recently got into
374
00:20:32,212 --> 00:20:36,812
one of the most prestigious
musical conservatoires in the country.
375
00:20:36,888 --> 00:20:40,018
The award for outstanding achievement
goes to…
376
00:20:40,103 --> 00:20:41,403
Andy Douglas.
377
00:21:02,898 --> 00:21:06,608
Ladies, gentlemen, distinguished guests…
378
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,580
…Count Dracula.
379
00:21:10,664 --> 00:21:13,004
It's a pleasure to see you all
here this evening.
380
00:21:13,085 --> 00:21:18,805
It might look like I, a humble lesbian,
won this award all by myself,
381
00:21:18,889 --> 00:21:22,399
but my moderate success
is all down to one person.
382
00:21:23,105 --> 00:21:25,185
My sister, Jennifer.
383
00:21:25,986 --> 00:21:27,316
Isn't that lovely?
384
00:21:28,992 --> 00:21:30,752
People say to me,
385
00:21:30,829 --> 00:21:37,089
"Andy, is it a living hell to have
a sister who is a genius and also so hot?"
386
00:21:37,175 --> 00:21:42,435
And to those people, I say, yes.
387
00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:44,730
But she's also done so much for me.
388
00:21:49,491 --> 00:21:52,411
When I had explosive diarrhoea
at Disneyland Paris,
389
00:21:52,497 --> 00:21:55,547
who bartered with Goofy for his trousers
to cover up my shame?
390
00:21:56,380 --> 00:22:01,600
When I was voted ugliest baby of 2004,
who contested the judgement?
391
00:22:01,683 --> 00:22:04,443
When I demanded Nelson Mandela
be put back in prison…
392
00:22:07,318 --> 00:22:08,568
Do you know what?
393
00:22:09,991 --> 00:22:11,741
I'd like to thank myself for this award.
394
00:22:13,038 --> 00:22:15,708
I've worked hard. I deserve it.
395
00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:20,970
Although,
I would like to dedicate this award
396
00:22:21,054 --> 00:22:24,484
to all the people who have
never achieved anything.
397
00:22:25,229 --> 00:22:28,489
Never been the best at anything.
398
00:22:28,570 --> 00:22:30,620
They must feel really lame
399
00:22:30,699 --> 00:22:34,579
and... and lash out in pathetic ways
because that's all they can do.
400
00:22:34,665 --> 00:22:39,795
So, yes, this is dedicated to my sister.
401
00:22:45,311 --> 00:22:48,441
- What are you doing?
- Andy didn't get into the Conservatoire
402
00:22:48,526 --> 00:22:51,816
because she can't play the violin anymore
because of her freakish strength.
403
00:22:51,908 --> 00:22:54,118
And she lied to all of you about it.
404
00:22:54,204 --> 00:22:56,214
And she broke her girlfriend's fanny.
405
00:23:03,430 --> 00:23:05,560
I think it might be Andy.
406
00:23:05,644 --> 00:23:08,904
Oh, here we go.
No, we're not falling for it.
407
00:23:12,282 --> 00:23:14,542
Come on. We're not buying it.
408
00:23:14,620 --> 00:23:16,210
What have you done?
409
00:23:16,290 --> 00:23:17,380
♪ I don't wanna be here ♪
410
00:23:17,458 --> 00:23:19,088
♪ I don't wanna be here ♪
411
00:23:19,170 --> 00:23:20,760
♪ I don't wanna be here ♪
412
00:23:20,841 --> 00:23:22,851
♪ You've been fucking with me, boy ♪
413
00:23:22,928 --> 00:23:24,968
♪ How did I wake up
Surrounded by walls… ♪
414
00:23:25,057 --> 00:23:25,927
No, hey.
415
00:23:26,018 --> 00:23:28,058
♪ Keep banging the concrete
To blow up these halls ♪
416
00:23:28,105 --> 00:23:30,043
♪ Keep screaming
"Please mummy I'm covered in scars" ♪
417
00:23:30,067 --> 00:23:32,027
Let's get back on track.
418
00:23:32,113 --> 00:23:36,203
Please welcome Carrie Jackson,
class of 2015.
419
00:23:43,385 --> 00:23:46,425
- At the bathroom.
- The bathroom?
420
00:23:47,143 --> 00:23:49,483
What does it mean to achieve?
421
00:23:49,565 --> 00:23:52,565
But you couldn't for one evening,
you little gobshite!
422
00:23:52,654 --> 00:23:54,744
You are a cold and barren woman!
423
00:23:54,825 --> 00:23:57,285
Well, there have been many definitions
over the centuries.
424
00:23:57,372 --> 00:23:59,132
I was absolutely mortified.
Mortified!
425
00:23:59,209 --> 00:24:01,919
Oh, no.
Now Susan's not going to fuck you.
426
00:24:02,006 --> 00:24:04,176
I don't want to fuck Susan!
427
00:24:04,260 --> 00:24:06,010
Maybe I'll fuck Susan.
428
00:24:06,098 --> 00:24:08,808
It's the closest I'm going to get
to a loving mother.
429
00:24:08,895 --> 00:24:11,395
She's joking. She's joking.
430
00:24:11,483 --> 00:24:12,953
Um…
431
00:24:15,826 --> 00:24:19,786
Um, success in the modern world is…
432
00:24:22,171 --> 00:24:23,171
Sorry.
433
00:24:28,643 --> 00:24:30,353
What does it mean to achieve?
434
00:24:32,860 --> 00:24:34,990
Oh, there you are. Where have you been?
435
00:24:35,072 --> 00:24:36,992
I think I left our drinks in here.
436
00:24:37,076 --> 00:24:41,206
Also, I've alienated my entire family and
humiliated myself in front of everyone.
437
00:24:41,293 --> 00:24:42,553
So…
438
00:24:48,850 --> 00:24:50,480
- Carrie?
- What?
439
00:24:50,562 --> 00:24:52,522
I think I've really fucked it actually.
440
00:24:52,608 --> 00:24:55,068
Have you? Again? Shocker.
441
00:24:55,154 --> 00:24:57,124
Why you being weird?
I'm having a crisis here.
442
00:24:57,200 --> 00:24:59,540
- Course you are.
- Can you tell me why you're mad at me?
443
00:24:59,622 --> 00:25:01,882
I don't have the mental capacity
for this right now.
444
00:25:06,802 --> 00:25:08,312
I was meant to speak.
445
00:25:08,932 --> 00:25:11,062
And now, because of your tantrum,
I don't get to.
446
00:25:11,144 --> 00:25:12,694
Oh.
447
00:25:13,273 --> 00:25:16,033
- Why are you laughing?
- I thought it was something serious.
448
00:25:16,112 --> 00:25:18,082
Ah, so it's only your problems
that are important.
449
00:25:18,158 --> 00:25:20,798
I'm sure you have plenty of problems,
with your long-term boyfriend
450
00:25:20,872 --> 00:25:22,712
and your promising career
and your cool power.
451
00:25:22,793 --> 00:25:25,053
My power is not all it's cracked up to be.
452
00:25:25,130 --> 00:25:26,050
It got you a job.
453
00:25:26,132 --> 00:25:28,812
Do you know how many people
wanna speak to me?
454
00:25:28,888 --> 00:25:30,678
Not someone famous.
455
00:25:30,767 --> 00:25:33,267
Not some pharaoh or president. Just me.
456
00:25:33,355 --> 00:25:34,185
No one.
457
00:25:34,274 --> 00:25:37,914
- I have to listen to you now, so…
- No one ever cares what I have to say.
458
00:25:38,616 --> 00:25:41,326
Well, they did tonight. But of course,
you couldn't let that happen.
459
00:25:41,413 --> 00:25:44,253
You couldn't bear an interruption
of the Jen show.
460
00:25:44,335 --> 00:25:45,415
So I'm selfish?
461
00:25:45,505 --> 00:25:48,255
Yes. You always have been.
462
00:25:48,343 --> 00:25:49,513
It's always been about you.
463
00:25:49,597 --> 00:25:51,557
Oh, stop being so dramatic.
464
00:25:52,686 --> 00:25:54,266
Who did I lose my virginity to?
465
00:25:55,232 --> 00:25:57,492
Okay, what foods am I allergic to?
466
00:25:57,571 --> 00:25:58,781
When did my nan die?
467
00:25:58,865 --> 00:26:01,035
- Fifth year.
- My nan's alive.
468
00:26:02,121 --> 00:26:04,001
But as if you know those things about me.
469
00:26:04,083 --> 00:26:07,473
Peter Hamzi, dairy but you refuse
to acknowledge it, 2014.
470
00:26:12,141 --> 00:26:16,191
Look, uh, Carrie, you have no idea
what it's like to be me.
471
00:26:17,234 --> 00:26:18,784
I've got nothing.
472
00:26:19,990 --> 00:26:22,500
I'm sorry if I'm not dealing with it
with enough grace.
473
00:26:24,833 --> 00:26:27,093
Oh, boo-fucking-hoo!
474
00:26:28,006 --> 00:26:30,716
I don't think you ever wanna get a power.
I think you like it.
475
00:26:30,804 --> 00:26:32,894
It gives you an excuse
to be a shitty person
476
00:26:32,974 --> 00:26:34,484
because the world is mean to you.
477
00:26:34,561 --> 00:26:38,701
But has the smallest seed of thought
ever passed through your brain
478
00:26:38,778 --> 00:26:41,948
that maybe you're not some troubled,
tragic martyr?
479
00:26:42,034 --> 00:26:43,454
Maybe you're just a nob.
480
00:26:43,538 --> 00:26:44,618
Fuck off!
481
00:26:49,925 --> 00:26:50,925
Okay.
482
00:26:56,187 --> 00:26:58,737
♪ Fall is here, hear the yell ♪
483
00:26:58,818 --> 00:27:01,318
♪ Back to school, ring the bell ♪
484
00:27:01,406 --> 00:27:03,786
♪ Brand new shoes, walking blues ♪
485
00:27:03,870 --> 00:27:06,290
♪ Climb the fence, books and pens ♪
486
00:27:06,374 --> 00:27:10,304
♪ I can tell that
We are gonna be friends ♪
487
00:27:11,301 --> 00:27:15,061
♪ I can tell that
We are gonna be friends ♪
488
00:27:18,941 --> 00:27:21,361
♪ Walk with me, Suzy Lee ♪
489
00:27:21,446 --> 00:27:23,776
♪ Through the park and by the tree ♪
490
00:27:23,868 --> 00:27:26,748
♪ We will rest upon the ground ♪
491
00:27:26,832 --> 00:27:28,752
♪ And look at all the bugs we found ♪
492
00:27:30,590 --> 00:27:33,640
Kash! The girls are back
and I'm scared your bubbles have, um…
493
00:27:33,721 --> 00:27:37,351
Okay. Here we go.
Let's cover up the shame.
494
00:27:37,436 --> 00:27:39,896
Thank you.
495
00:27:39,983 --> 00:27:43,493
There we go. No more penis.
496
00:27:43,574 --> 00:27:44,584
Lovely.
497
00:27:45,662 --> 00:27:46,662
Shall I get the brush?
498
00:27:46,747 --> 00:27:49,377
♪ 'Cause I love you ♪
499
00:27:50,713 --> 00:27:52,633
♪ Yes, I love you ♪
500
00:27:53,553 --> 00:27:57,733
♪ Oh, how I love you ♪
501
00:27:58,729 --> 00:28:00,649
♪ Oh ♪
502
00:28:03,864 --> 00:28:07,544
♪ 'Cause I love you ♪
503
00:28:08,331 --> 00:28:10,801
♪ Yes, I love you ♪
504
00:28:11,547 --> 00:28:15,677
♪ Oh, how I love you ♪
505
00:28:17,934 --> 00:28:21,274
♪ Oh, how I love you ♪
506
00:28:22,276 --> 00:28:24,616
♪ Oh ♪