♪
♪ I like delicious cheese sandwiches ♪
They’re great.
[Tom] ♪ I like delicious cheese sandwiches ♪
Oh, that’s a laugh. Right?
Oh, yeah. [alarm sounds]
[Colin] Oh, what? What?
Dropping like flies!
[Jon] Uh oh!
[Tom] I don’t think my guitar was in tune!
[Jay] So, um, wow. Do you know?
Let’s take a look. Let’s... let’s roll that clip!
♪ I like delicious cheese sandwiches ♪
[Jay laughs]
[Brandon] They’re great.
♪ I like delicious cheese sandwiches ♪
[Mae laughs]
Oh Mae!
[Mae & Jay laugh]
It was hard to pick up!
I knew what would get me would be proximity.
It was subtle but it was a laugh.
[groans] It wasn’t subtle dude!
So that is our second, uh,
red card of the game, ladies and gentlemen.
Look at this, look at this look of disappointment.
I saw the weakness with the cheese sandwich thing.
- Awww. - I had to.
I mean... It was a matter of time.
Oh, we’ll see you soon.
Good luck!
♪ Delicious cheese sandwiches ♪
♪ Goodbye Mae ♪
♪ Have a nice day ♪
So listen... Uh, thoughts?
What are you, what are you feeling?
I’m drenched in sweat.
I laughed.
The absurdity of the situation and then Tom just...
I knew. As soon as he started repeating
delicious cheese sandwich.
Ahh, I just lost it. Ugh!
[Jay] Mae Martin is the second person eliminated and
the first casualty of Tom Green’s twisted genius.
Eight comedians are left.
It’s still blue, right? We can still...
- Yeah. - Smile?
Yeah. We can still smile. Have fun.
Smile. Enjoy. Smile. Relax.
Be cordial with one another.
I feel good that I can smile for a minute.
It’s nice.
Enjoy smiling for a moment. [sighs]
Oh my gosh.
Your face is so cute when you’re about to laugh.
Like I spent the entire time on the edge.
[Caroline laughs]
I don’t know how they’re doing it.
Here we go and...
[horn sounds]
[Dave] There we go.
The musical cue they could afford to pay for.
[Jay] Alright, so how do you guys think
this is going to play out?
I don’t think Dave is going to laugh at anybody.
Dave lives in a sort of quasi giggle, at all times.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
[Jay] Lajoie’s a dark horse, though.
Oh, do you think?
Yeah.
I think Tom’s gonna win.
I’ve seen Tom do insane things with a straight face.
[Catherine] I never thought he was more
attractive than he is now.
Is he crazy?
I assume.
[Mae] I assume. Yeah.
- [train whistle] - [clock beeps]
[Jon] At this point...
I’m starting to feel pretty good because
I’ve lasted this long but everyone’s dangerous.
[Jon] Oh, hey!
[Debra] You look pretty.
[Jon] Dave, Tom Green and Colin have been
making me laugh my whole life
and I’ve never tried to not laugh
when they were making me laugh.
And so I’m in a room with them and
I’m supposed to not laugh...
Well, what do I do?
It’s a weird, weird...
situation to be in.
I’m... I’m gonna do a bit.
- Ok! - Oh my gosh...
That I hope amuses you.
- [Jon] Ok. - Oh...
Oh good, here we go.
This is what we need!
Where did you come from?
I was right here.
But was that little secret door there all along?
Yeah.
Really?
Alright, this will be a scene from my,
uh, favourite horror movie.
Ok.
Imagine it’s black and white.
- Ok. - Alright.
Hold on, hold on.
- Alright. Oh! - There.
This sounds great.
Suzy.
You know I love you very much.
Oh... it’s a full moon tonight.
Oh my God.
[Colin] There’s something I’ve got to tell you.
A few years ago when I was in Pennsylvania,
I was walking along the forest and I was bitten.
I was bitten by a squirrel.
But it wasn’t any ordinary squirrel.
It was a cursed squirrel.
And now whenever there’s a full moon,
I become that...
[moans and groans]
[groaning]
- [Jay laughs] - Oh my God!
[Colin] Mony, Mo, Mooo, mooney, money, mooney.
[howling]
[Jay laughs]
[squirrel noises]
Think unhappy thoughts.
[squirrel noises]
[sighs]
A cursed squirrel.
It’s so dumb.
[laughs]
The outfit. That stupid thing,
is the funniest thing I had ever seen.
The only way I could keep from laughing is
to literally chew on my own lips.
[smacks lips]
Uh oh...
Look at Deb.
[Jay laughs]
[squirrel noises]
Oh boy.
[squirrel noises]
[Jon] The were-squirrel... it is so funny.
So all I’m doing is, uh, puckering my lips and
for some reason also widening your eyes is helpful.
- [squirrel noises] - Uh huh. Yeah.
No, no, no, that’s what I was thinking.
[squirrel noises]
That’s what I was thinking yeah.
[Tom] Something about absurdity and
silliness especially when it’s Colin.
I’m kinda having a hard time keeping a straight face.
- [squirrel noises] - Uh huh. Uh huh.
[Jay laughs]
I mean, look at Tom. Look at Tom’s face.
Yep.
Stupid.
[laughs]
[Jay] Trevor, the big man, is in big trouble.
That feels nice. I like it.
Oh boy.
Thank you. And scene!
[Everyone claps]
[Tom] Oh boy! Wow! You’re uh...
Jesus...
That was amazing.
That was the closest I’ve come, uh, so far today.
[Debra] Colin Mochrie, he is very absurd...
Woo.
[Debra] And that was very hard for me because...
I’m a laugher!
I am. And I’m not good, like, like this is me being,
this is my poker face.
[laughs]
How long did that last?
[clock beeps]
Making some delicious bread balls.
I’m terrible at laughing so
I think that’s my hiccup.
I laugh by myself.
I laugh in the shower.
I laugh all the time.
So I’m just gonna focus and,
take this as seriously as possible.
You have to really put effort and care into it.
’Cause people say "Oh, I cannot taste the difference".
That’s the thing about the bread ingredient...
[Jay] Hey, who’s Andrew talking to?
So many possibilities to it.
So I take one of these, roll it up here because no one
is going to complain if there’s [giggles]
a little bit of extra cheese.
Oh, for fuck sake!
Andrew has not cracked a smile.
He’s going to be a tough cookie.
He’s pretending we’re all racist,
that’s what keeps him alive.
Pretending, am I right?
[K. Trevor laughs]
Ooooohhhh!
You wanna hit the red?
Yeah! Can I?
[alarm rings]
There’s a possibility it was me.
Uh oh.
I’m gonna go lay down the law.
Goddamn it.
[Tom] I might have broke on that one.
I’m not sure.
Bad news everybody, I caught more people
in the act of losing.
- Oh no! - Oh!
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.
Lot of guilty consciences.
Mmm hmm. Mmm hmm.
Let’s take a look at this TV.
Hmmm.
He’s pretending we’re all racist
that’s what keeps him alive.
Pretending, am I right?
[Jay laughs]
[Colin] Oh, you hung on for so long.
[Andrew and Jay laugh]
Comedy is about catching someone by surprise.
I wasn’t expecting it and it got me.
It got me good, it got me clean.
- That’s a yellow, Trevor. - Yep.
Yep.
[sigh]
But wait! There’s more.
So many possibilities to it.
So I take one of these, roll it up here because no one
is going to complain if there’s [giggles]
a little bit of extra cheese.
My yellow card...
I hope it was worth it to you.
My yellow card was of my own stupidity.
I was doing a bit only for myself
and I made myself laugh.
This is a yellow for you.
Self yellow!
[band plays]
Phew!
You gotta really watch it, eh?
You gotta watch it.
Terrible reason to get a yellow.
[Jon] That was a murder suicide right there.
[Jay] K. Trevor and Andrew get hit
with yellow cards and join Debra and
Dave in the danger zone.
- [horn sounds] - Aww shit.
[clock beeps]
Tom, what are you making?
I am making a delicious grilled cheese sandwich.
Oh!
Oh God, here we go.
Oh my God, he’s making cheese sandwiches again.
I already had one, it was very good,
it was very delicious.
Yes. I uh. If... if...
Almost turned it around on me there Colin.
[Colin] Oh.
Almost used my own delicious cheese sandwich
against me there.
Careful, Tom. Dangerously close to the edge.
Del... Delicious cheese sandwich.
There’s nothing a comedian finds funnier
than having their own material told back to them.
So I thought, "Oh! This could be a weakness."
Mmm hmm. Mmm hmm. Yeah.
You might have found my kryptonite.
Delicious... cheese...
[Tom] Mmm hmm. Mmm hmm.
Deb is like, in a constant laugh.
Yeah. Yeah, she’s fucked.
I do not like her chances.
Mmm.
What would, uh, "delicious cheese sandwich" in French be?
Sandwich au fromage délicieux.
- Sandwich! - Sandwich!
Well... actually I embellished that a little bit.
Délicieux...
It would be eh, sandwich au fromage câlisse.
[Colin mumbles in fake French]
Uh, no. It’s sandwich au fromage.
[Colin mumbles in fake French]
Close but you gotta, like make it, like...
Do I sound a little Latin?
Eh, crismo.. coup de morceaux.
- Uh, crismo. Crispo fromage. - Yeah.
[French accent] Tout la fruit!
Here we go, I would be laughing if I was in there now.
I was going to say jambo but that’s ham.
Well, yeah, you’re saying it way too nicely.
- Oh. Jambo. - Jambo? Jambo?
- Jambo? - No, no Jambon!
[villain accent] My name is Jambo,
I’m here to take over the La Molson Labatt factory!
[Jay laughs]
It’s like a villain right?
I think it was George Lopez.
No, no, no, no, no.
George is like... [George Lopez impersonation]
Top of the mornin’ to ya I’m George Lopez.
Top of the mornin’ to ya?
Je suis un homme.
[Jon laughs]
[laughing]
Oh my God.
Shit!
- The second he did it... - He realised right away!
There’s another one!
[alarm rings]
Uh oh! Uh oh. Uh oh.
What’s it gonna be?
Ok.
One of you lost your shit but we’ve managed to find it.
I don’t quite know what that means but...
Um, watch the TV.
I was going to say jambo but that’s ham.
Well yeah, you’re saying it way too nicely.
[villain accent] My name is Jambo,
I’m here to take over!
[Colin] I think it was George Lopez.
[Andrew] George is like... [George Lopez impersonation]
Top of the mornin’ to ya I’m George Lopez
Top of the mornin’ to ya?
Je suis un homme.
[laughs]
[Jay] That’s a yellow for Jon Lajoie.
Okay. Thank you. Thank you.
Wait. But that’s not all.
- Oh no! - Oh okay.
- Somebody else sucks, too. - Shit.
Watch the TV.
Tom, what are you making?
A... Delicious...
Grilled cheese sandwich.
Oh God, here we go.
Delicious cheese sandwich.
[Debra laugh]
- [Jay laughs] - No!
[Jay] So as I understand it,
that means you have a fucking red card.
Oh! Oh!
Awww.
[Debra] Fine!
- [Jay] Debra! - Alright, bitches.
Time to say your goodbyes and then join me in the lounge.
I knew it was going to be you.
It was Colin! Damn him!
He’s just so silly.
- Ahhh! - Yay!
Honestly, without being totally cheesy
like there was no losing.
Like, we knew we were still going to be able to have fun
but I knew he’d be the one to take me out.
I knew it. Ugh!
[Jay] Debra’s red card has her on a one way ticket to the lodge
thanks to Colin Mochrie who also pushed Jon
onto thin ice with a yellow card.
Hey! This is nice!
[Mae] Right?
- [Carolina] Hi, hon. - Oh my gosh.
So now you all have to inch down.
Do we get another sixteen hours in the blue light?
[laughs]
And....
[horn sounds]
There we go!
Now it’s a real sausage party.
[laughs]
[clock beeps]
Let’s do it.
Oh, shit. Here we go.
Brandon’s ready to do his bit.
This better be explosive.
[Caroline] It better be Tina Turner.
I’m gonna do something.
Oh, this is cute.
I like this. I like this.
Human contact.
[Brandon] I think my comedy’s for everyone.
I know that maybe it’s not every straight white
man’s cup of tea but let me just try and
see what happens, see if I can get them.
Ok! Hello everyone!
[crowd cheers]
I am Brandon Ash-Mohammed.
[crowd cheers]
All right!
But you may know me as the girl of size
who always get the guys.
A lot of people think that if they wanna win
Prince Charming they gotta lose a few pounds, right?
I’ve heard that.
- I say fuck that. - Yeah!
So today I’m gonna show you a couple ways to eat,
that’ll make the men skeet.
[bell rings] Mmm. Mmm.
Skeet! Skeet! Skeet!
[Brandon] Boys, get your tissues ready.
Get your tissues ready. Ok.
Is skeet like jizz?
It’s, uh, pre-ejaculate.
Pre-ejaculate! Ah!
[laughs]
Skeet means pre-ejaculate?
[laughs]
So for our first move what you’re gonna need
is chips and uh... and a chair.
You can use any snack.
So what you’re gonna do is sit seductively like...
[moans]
Yes, daddy!
Ooh, this seat is so hard.
- Yes! - Oh my God.
Then you’re gonna drop it like it’s hot.
- [Tom] Uh-huh. - And then bam!
Rub that chub.
Rub it!
Not a dry pair of jockies in the house.
[Jay laughs]
Our next and final move,
you’re gonna be at the club,
you’re talking to a hot guy whatever.
Eating a banana.
I often eat bananas at the club.
Maybe you drop the banana and you...
Uh-oh.
And you’re like I’m about fitness.
[Jon] Yep.
Fittin’ this right in my mouth and BOOM!
Whoa!
[Dave] There was a lot of energy but
I’m too old to marvel in anything.
I mean I saw the moon landing.
After that, nothing’s really that marvelous.
Boom.
Not a dry pair. Of jockies.
In. The. House.
[K. Trevor] This is insane.
I’ve never been on a Japanese game show before
but... I imagine this is as close
we’re going to find in this country.
[laughs]
Thank you.
[crowd cheers & claps]
- Thank you. - Alright.
Alright.
You put the ass back in potassium.
Thank you. Thank you.
This has been aerobics for getting a row of dicks.
[laughs]
Thank you.
Yeahhhh.
All very helpful information.
Tom!
[Caroline & Debra laugh]
[Mae] Oh my God.
I think I made Tom Green question his sexuality
and that’s what I wanted.
That was the goal.
That was something.
That was something else.
I’m gonna use the bathroom real quick.
[Jay] Ok. Hey guys. Sorry to interrupt.
Is anybody hungry?
I would love lunch.
It doesn’t stop the clock, does it?
It doesn’t stop the clock.
[Andrew] Oh our lunches.
Mmm hmm.
Bon Appetit.
Do you think they’re going to do anything with the lunches?
Oh yeah, funny, funny lunch.
[Mae] Funny lunch.
[laughs]
[distant laughing]
It’s amazing, I can still hear Caroline.
[laughs] Yeah, I know!
Even through the soundproofing.
He smiled!
Really?
I can’t believe this.
[alarm rings]
Uh-oh.
[Jay] They’ve all got mouths full of food.
So, this one blew my mind.
This one, this one broke my heart, I won’t lie.
But the game doesn’t stop even at lunch.
Let’s watch.
[distant laughs]
It’s amazing I can still hear Caroline.
I know!
[laughs]
I forgot.
[laughs]
I totally forgot the one rule of the show.
[laughs]
[Colin] Well, that was stupid.
That was me doing that to me
because I wasn’t focused
and because of Caroline!
So that’s... that’s a yellow card.
- Thank you. - Oh.
They say never meet your heroes.
Wow.
[band plays]
It’s not over.
Be better.
[Jay] Now that’s a lunch bag let down.
Colin’s yellow card means he joins Jon, Dave, Andrew and
K. Trev on the chopping block.
What happened?
I... I laughed. You missed everything.
Oh, Jay came in? I missed the whole thing?
Yeah. You missed the whole thing.
Oh!
Were you showering?
Well, I was gonna.
I was gonna...
Alright, I was jerking off.
- Oh, ok. - Oh boy!
Hot.
[laughs]
[horn sounds]
Here we go. Now the game’s back on.
[clock beeps]
We’re gonna play "Would you rather?"
[Jon] Ok, let’s do it.
Or why don’t we just all eat the blood pudding pops?
[laughs]
Shouldn’t they have melted by now?
They’ve congealed.
- Ugh. - Yuck.
Was it actually, black sausage?
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. - Really? [gags]
[Brandon] This is the first one, would you rather
be trapped in a romantic comedy and never find love?
Or trapped in a gross out comedy,
be pranked everyday for the rest of your life?
Gross out comedy.
Pranked everyday for the rest of my life.
[Brandon] Yeah.
I have been trapped in that.
I am trapped in that.
[laughing]
- That’s very good. - [laughs]
- [Mae] The blinking! - [Jay] The blinking!
None of this is realistic.
I mean it’ll never happen.
Oh no, it’s realistic...
That is Tom’s life.
[Caroline laughs]
Next one.
Would you eat with your butt or poop out your mouth?
- Hmmm. - Oh...
Eat with the butt.
I mean, that’s just common sense.
Yeah. Yeah.
That’s a tough one.
I think I’d like to just do both of those things.
Mmmm. Mmm.
[laughs]
[Brandon] Let’s move on.
Would you rather have your tongue pierced
or get a tramp stamp?
Tramp stamp.
Well, the tongue piercing I hear heightens
the experience of a blowjob.
Yeah.
I dunno how me having a tongue piercing
would make me enjoy a blowjob more.
[Colin] Oh, good one.
- Alright. - Alright.
I didn’t need to conjure that imagery in my head.
Alright. I was gonna say.
I want Jon to go back and sing.
Wasn’t he going to sing a song?
Yeah.
[Debra] Ok, he is, he’s getting it.
He’s getting it.
- There we go. - Here we go.
Just a little spontaneous little thing
that I’m gonna do here.
Uh, I believe it was John A. MacDonald
who once said
we should call our band "Metallica".
[laughs]
I’m actually a serious musician, I’ve been writing,
uh, songs since I was, uh, very young.
- Three months old actually. - Wow.
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah - Wow.
It was a little, little guitar.
[Tom] Yeah. Three months.
[laughing]
Three months old.
♪ Da da da da ♪
[Andrew] Jon operates on a different level.
His videos on YouTube were such a big part of,
like early Youtube viral success.
I know what this man is capable of and that scares me.
I would like to share with you all
the first song that I ever wrote.
Ok, here we go.
♪ I’m really hungry mom ♪
♪ That’s why I’m freaking out ♪
♪ I’m really hungry mom ♪
♪ That’s what these tears are about ♪
♪ You know what that means ♪
♪ I’m begging you please ♪
♪ Put your titty in my mouth ♪
[laughs]
♪ Put your titty in my mouth ♪
♪ Whip that big old titty out ♪
♪ And shove it in my little mouth ♪
♪ And since you took so long bitch ♪
♪ I’m gonna chew up your nips ♪
[laughs]
Oh.
[Mae] What is he doing with his mouth, Trevor?
Trying not to laugh.
[Jay] He’s dying, he really likes to laugh.
I’m just going to do one quick thing.
This is actually a request from Jay.
[laughs]
[Jay] Oh, here we fucking go again.
[Jon] When I was walking in this morning,
I was carrying my guitar case and, uh, he was like
"Oh, you gonna play some songs?"
I was like, "I dunno maybe."
And uh, he was like, "Yeah. I write songs all the time."
I was like, "Dude, I’ll play one of your songs,"
One of your songs, Jay Baruchel’s songs.
Oh my God.
I seem to be the sort of, um, fulcrum of Jon Lajoie's,
uh, um, creative plan.
I was equal parts annoyed and flattered.
[laughs]
So, Jay Baruchel, the host of this show’s song still...
Oh God.
♪ I don’t care ♪
♪ What anybody thinks ♪
♪ I don’t care if they don’t ♪
♪ Don’t understand ♪
♪ I still think R. Kelly is the man ♪
[laughs]
♪ I, Jay Baruchel ♪
♪ Still think R. Kelly is the man ♪
Woo!
- Alright! - Yeah!
Pretty good man. A little short but...
Jay Baruchel!
[laughs]
That’s nice.
It could use a bridge but otherwise it’s really good.
Yeah.
Whatever happened to that R. Kelly guy anyway?
You guys all know him, huh?
Tom, I’ve seen you hanging out with hip hop stars.
You’re a Juno nominated rapper.
I was nominated for a Juno.
You were.
Yeah... I lost.
[phone rings]
Yeah, you lost. That’s why I say nominated.
Hello?
Hi, Trevor, can you tell Jon Lajoie
to go fuck himself please?
Yeah, yeah.
See ya later. Bye.
That’s somebody telling us to stop talking about R. Kelly.
Yeah.
Or talk more about Tom’s Juno nomination.
Oh!
That’s a smile. That’s a full smile.
[alarm rings]
Uh oh! Uh oh! Uh oh!
Damn.
This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts him.
I don’t know. I don’t know.
I don’t think I moved at all.
Um...
So scared.
Yeah.
Let’s take a look at the TV guys.
You’re a Juno nominated rapper.
I lost.
Yeah, you lost.
[phone rings]
Hello?
That’s somebody telling us to stop
talking about R. Kelly.
Yeah.
[laughs]
- Oh no! - You’re free!
- Oh my god! - You’re free. Dave.
Ladies and gentleman, another one bites the dust.
Aww. Oh, fuck y’all. Fuck y’all.
I thought I might have seen a smirk there.
It was nice knowing that I actually made Dave laugh.
I mean, a certain amount of guilt, but then also
a certain amount of pride as well.
[K. Trevor laughs]
See ya.
[band plays]
I’ll try to hold up the old guy end.
Ohh.
- So let’s unpack this. - Alright.
What are you, what are you thinking?
What are, impressions?
Well I just, I always find R. Kelly funny.
[laughs]
- Dave! - Dave!
Was that a smile?
Having gone through it,
it is a strangely exhausting experience.
I had a wonderful time having a terrible time.
[Jay] Tom gives Mr. Dave Foley the red card treatment.
Adding another victim to his hit list.
Who will be next to enter Tom’s cross hairs?
Stay tuned for more carnage.
[horn sounds] Aw shit.
- [Tom] Here we go. - [Jon] Shit.
[doorbell rings]
- What is this? - What’s that?
- Whoa! - What?
Hi, Daddy.
He’s gonna hurt himself!
- They’re not laughing? - We’re not supposed to.
I’m gonna have no fun.
’Cause that’s the kinda guy I am.
How’s your vision?
You think that’s weird, you should
see where his balls are.
Don’t you dare with your cheese sandwich!
[Jon] How do you not laugh at that?
Are you not alive?
Whoa!
- [Paul] I have the pizzas. - Oh boy.
Is it possible that we’re just all losing our minds?
Uh-oh.
[Debra laughs]
Uh! My penis has never been so hard.
Uh, cheque please!
♪