♪ upbeat theme playing ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪
SOPHIE: Previously on How I Met Your Father...
- Send your absolute best photo,
and I'll consider squeezing you into our New Voices show.
- I got to take the perfect shot.
- When you're a struggling artist,
you only get so many chances to prove yourself.
So, when a big one presents itself,
you can't help but wonder,
"Am I good enough?"
- I'm not good enough!
All of these photos are terrible!
- Alright, calm down.
- Hey! Don't tell a woman to calm down! We hate that!
- It's almost as bad as telling us that we look tired.
You think that we don't know that we're tired?!
We're the ones inside of our bodies!
- [sighs] Do you guys think any of these are good?
- I love this one of a blurry tampon.
You know, what a powerful statement
about how we need to focus on women's issues.
- That's a photo I accidentally took inside my purse.
- Or... is it art?
- Woo! 'Sup, fam?
Guess who's finally recording new music
as a solo artist?
- Did Jungkook leave BTS and go solo?
Mm, we all saw it coming!
- No! It's me!
I finally laid down some new tracks without Meredith.
[cheering] Thank you!
- [half-hearted] Yeah, that's also exciting.
- Hell yeah, it is!
Jesse, I am so proud of you, man.
Can I kiss your forehead? Mwah! - You better.
Ugh! I'm glad you're so psyched for me
because I did max out all my credit cards on studio time,
and I'm going to be late on rent this month, but...
do you need any more back rub coupons?
- No, Jesse, I got plenty of back rub coupons, man!
- I feel you, Jesse.
I have drained my entire bank account on rolls of film.
But, you know what?
That's just the life of a struggling artist, right?
Like, pour everything into our work, live on the cheap...
Here!
Have some free fruit salad. - Ooh! Don't mind if I do.
- That is not fruit salad!
- These are my cocktail garnishes! - And they're delicious.
- Oh hey, can I interest you in little, uh, BYOB?
It's one of my struggling artist life hacks.
- Hell yes. - Oh, can I get one of those?
- Yeah, of course.
- And I wonder why this bar isn't profitable!
[laughter]
- I got to go home and change
and shoot as many rolls as possible
before Drew's big school fund-raiser tonight.
Wasn't that so nice of him to invite you guys to that?
He said it's like the Oscars of public education.
[overlapping excited chatter]
Bye!
- We're not actually excited about this, right?
[overlapping agreement]
SID: Well, well, well.
Look at you.
If it isn't the most manly man
at the Jefferson Elementary charity auction.
[knocking] [yelps]
- Hi, Sid.
- What are you doing here, Meredith?
Shouldn't you be out rejecting the proposal of a young lover,
and then fleeing to Europe with his cat? - Okay.
Of course, I could have handled things better with Jesse, but...
you know, there's no instruction manual
for being blindsided with a public proposal.
Wait...
[beep]
♪ There's no instruction manual for a broken heart-- ♪
- What are you doing right now?
- I'm working on a new album,
so I try to record stuff whenever inspiration strikes.
Wow.
What are you doing different to your skin?
- Well, actually, yeah,
I've been using this new alpha hydroxy mask.
It's like--
No! No. This is what you do.
You charm people, you suck 'em in,
and then you stomp their hearts to a pulp.
- Okay, look, I need to talk to Jesse, alright? And I don't have his new number.
- Is he here? - Nope. He's on a date.
With Dua Lipa.
- Jesse is dating pop superstar Dua Lipa.
- Correct.
They met at a Shake Shack, ended up splitting a burger...
- Dua Lipa is a vegan!
Forget it. I'll just come back-- - No!
No, no, no. Do not come back later.
Jesse's gonna be home soon. I got to go to work,
so why don't you just... wait here?
- Okay...
What's your Wi-Fi password?
- It's "Meredith sucks." All one word, "sucks" is in caps.
Ellen? Meet me at Pemberton's. We have a code M.
♪
- Valentina, let's go over tomorrow's looks.
Michelle Williams' dress? - Steamed and ready to go.
- Harry Styles' dress? - Steamed and ready to go.
- Tilda Swinton's armor?
- Polished and ready to go. - And where are
J.Lo's nipple concealers?
- Right here, Fred.
[sighs]
- These are black. Her dress is sheer!
Do you want J.Lo's nips
to be staring out at the world like a coked-out ow?
- Sorry. Nobody told me.
I think we have some nude ones.
- You are an incredibly dumb person, Valentina.
- Fred, you cannot talk to me like that.
- Oh, honey, I'm not talking to you. Mm-mmm.
I'm talking to my doll Valentina.
- We both know that doll is just a weird workaround
so you can verbally abuse me without a lawsuit.
- No, it's not. [laughs] You stupid, stupid, worthless idiot.
Oh, sometimes,
I have fantasies about taking you to a Knicks game
and waiting for the kiss cam to come around and land on us, and then...
firing you in front of the whole world!
- Fred, that was clearly directed to me.
- Was not. I was talking to the doll,
and you can't prove otherwise. Bye!
- At least you got an actual doll.
- Hey, bunny. Think we'll have time to grab a proper dinner
before this Drew nightmare.
Apparently, they're serving pasta made by schoolchildren,
and I am not trying to get head lice from a plate of ravioli.
- One sec. I just need to...
swipe something from our accessories closet.
- What do you mean, swipe?
- I promised Drew I would donate something to the auction tonight.
I was just going to grab a random blouse or something,
but, lucky for Drew's school...
my boss really pissed me off today.
- Valentina, that is a beige lambskin quilted medium Chanel 19 flap.
It's worth thousands!
Men can be bag hags, too. You're gonna steal that?
- Not steal it.
Swipe it.
- That's just an adorable way of saying steal!
- Chill!
Nobody will ever find out. Fred never checks that closet.
Hey, stop looking at me like that,
you judgmental little bitch!
- Fine. Do whatever you want. Just don't talk to me that way.
- Oh, sorry! Oh, I was talking to the doll.
- Now, I know what tonight's nightmare will be about.
♪
- Hey, you. DREW [on phone]: Hi.
I'm really excited for you to meet all my work peeps tonight.
I told them all about you.
- Oh! DREW: Anyhoo,
uh, any luck getting your perfect picture?
- Not yet.
I almost got one of a cat and raccoon being interspecies friends.
But, then it turned out the cat was dead,
and the raccoon was eating it.
- Oh, ew.
Anyway, I-I really admire your hustle.
- Thanks. Oh my god.
I think this adorable old couple
is about to kiss over a steam vent. I-I got to go.
♪
Whoa! Ah! [thud]
Ow...
[groaning, panting]
Oh thank God, nothing's broken.
[sighs]
[screams]
Oh...
Jesse! Hey.
You don't happen to have a cheap dentist, do you?
[sighs] Thank God.
Yes. If he gives me a free toothbrush, you can have it.
♪
- What took you so long?! Does code M mean nothing to you?
- Literally nothing! But it better be bad
because I was in the middle of doing
that alpha hydroxy mask you gave me,
and now, I'm only half hydroxy!
I got to go even out. - Okay, no.
Meredith is at my apartment right now,
and she needs to talk to Jesse.
[gasps]
- Do you think she's pregnant? Did she look pregnant?
- Actually, yes. She was glowing brighter than the left side of your face.
[both gasp]
- Is Jesse going home before the gala? - No.
- So, Meredith's in your apartment waiting for no one.
- Correct. - Very good, very good.
Then, that buys us some time.
But what's our endgame?
- Well, we don't have one. There is no end to our game.
That is a really tight rap lyric!
♪ There's no end to our game, no borders on the frame ♪
- ♪ Hydroxy on our faces, so our pores are down the drain ♪
- My god, Ellen, our rhymes are lit! - Woo-hoo!
- Meredith's not the only one who can impromptu songwrite.
MEREDITH: Yeah, not bad. [both yell]
Jesse's still not back, and I really need to...
Wait...
[laughs] You must be Jesse's sister.
He used to tell me so many stories about how close you guys were.
What is that character you used to do whenever you drank water?
- He told you about Barbara Waters? - Yes!
- [as Barbara Walters]: Today on The View,
I will be interviewing
a delicious glass of ice water!
- Oh, that is such a good impression!
You should audition for SNL.
- Oh, stop. I mean, it has crossed my mind--
- Ellen, you're getting sucked in.
[buzz] Oh.
Jesse just texted me. He's back at the apartment.
Come on, we'll walk you back.
- Fine.
- [whispers]: What are we doing? - I don't know!
- Thanks again for driving me here. - Yeah, no problem.
I'm just looking forward to that new toothbrush.
- I just want to get in, get out, and get to Drew.
Yikes. This place is worse than my waxer the day before Valentine's.
I told Drew I was gonna be right on time.
- Uh yeah, that might be tough.
Dr. Hoffman's super popular because he's so affordable.
The only way to get cheaper dental care is to date a dentist.
But then you gotta date a dentist.
[clears throat]
Okay...
- Whether the weather be fine, or whether the weather be not,
we'll weather the weather, whatever the weather,
whether we like it or not.
- Move over, she's spitting all over me.
[clears throat]
- Sorry! Just warming up my cords.
There's an open call for Wicked later,
and I have a really good feeling about this one.
But my gums randomly bleed, so here I am.
- We're not like these people, right?
- What? No, of course not.
- Oh, I see.
Well, thanks for reading it.
Any particular reason it wasn't for you or--
Hello? Hello?
There goes another six years of my life.
- Hey. [clears throat] Sir?
You okay? - I'll be fine. [weak laugh]
I just really thought this novel was finally going to be my big break.
Hey, do you know if Dr. H still gives out free toothbrushes?
- Mm-hmm.
- So, uh, like,
are you new to the whole writer thing?
Like, it's a calling you found later in life?
- No. Started right out of college.
I finished my first manuscript
the day Reagan was elected,
and I remember promising myself,
"I'm going to be a published author
before that man leaves the White House!"
- Ha, ha. - And then I made
the same promise to myself when Bush was elected.
Then Clinton. Then Clinton again. - Yeah... Yeah...
- Then other Bush twice.
- Oh, please stop saying presidents!
- Now, I know you think I'm exaggerating,
but Dr. Hoffman was the oldest dentist I'd ever seen.
- Which one of you is Sofa?
- It's Sophie.
Sofa is furniture.
- A bit louder, sweetheart.
- Sophie! - Sophie!
- Sophie! [laughs] That's my great-granddaughter's name.
Come in the back. I'll give you a haircut.
Oh, I'm sorry. [laughs]
Come on, I'll look at your teeth.
♪
- Here. The bartender said, "Say when,"
and I just stayed silent. - I'm gonna need a lot more
than a Big Gulp of shit chardonnay to get me through the night.
I'm an accessory to grand theft Chanel.
- Dude, I swear no one will notice the purse is gone.
[text chimes]
My boss has noticed the purse is missing.
- Oh my god, this night can't get any worse.
[spits]
Did the kids make the wine as well?
- Honestly, my tooth looks better than ever.
- Totally.
You look like you could be in a Colgate commercial,
whereas an hour ago, you looked like you could be in an anti-meth commercial.
- Honestly, I was starting to question all my life choices back there.
We are nothing like those losers in the waiting room.
[engine rattling, tires screech] Ow! Oh!
What happened? - I don't know. The car just stopped.
- Ow... Is my nose bleeding?
- No, but you did break your tooth again.
- Huh? Ah!
♪
- I can't stop thinking about what will happen if we go down for this.
I'll wind up in prison, carving soap figurines
and training crows to deliver cigarettes to someone named Big Papa.
- We're not going to prison. I'm just gonna take back the purse before the--
- [on microphone]: Who's ready for an auction?
-...auction starts.
- Alright. Let's get started with this gorgeous Chanel purse.
The bidding will start at $500. [clears throat]
[auctioneer voice]: 500, 500, do I hear 500...
- I gotta bid on it to win it back, so here goes.
- $15,000!
- And I'm out.
[coughing]
- My mechanic said I needed to replace my master cylinder,
.but I thought I had a few months.
- I found my tooth!
Why would you eat my tooth?!
- That was a Tic Tac.
No, that's a pill. [spits]
- Damn it!
What if we are not struggling artists
on the verge of our big breaks?
What if we are going to wind up like those sad people in the waiting room,
using old presidents to track how long we've been failures
because I've been taking photos since Obama...
Wah, I'm already doing it! - Okay, okay, Sophie, stop it.
Alright, I've seen your photos. They're fantastic.
You've got a half dozen shots
you could send in right now to impress that hoity-toity gallery woman.
And even if for some reason she doesn't like them,
somebody else will.
- How do you know?
- Because the way you see the world is-is incredible!
You're like this insane little ball of joy and hope and optimism.
I mean, even today. Y-you were eating cocktail garnishes
and acting like it was a lobster dinner.
That's why I love being around you,
and it's how I know the world is going to love your photos.
'Cause you're amazing.
♪
- Oh...
Um...
Thank you.
- No problem. [clears throat]
FUTURE SOPHIE: And that's when it happened.
My perfect shot.
- Jesse, don't move.
- Why? Is there a bee on me?
I lost my EpiPen. I couldn't afford a new one.
Oh my god, this is it. This is how I die.
- [laughs] No bee. You're my shot.
- Oh. Okay. - Just keep working on the car.
- Do you want me to do that cool pose where I look up at the sky?
- Nobody wants that.
- Okay. [clears throat]
- Jesse?
Jesse!
[forced]: That is so weird. He must have just left.
- Jesus. I haven't seen acting this bad since my nana's nursing home
put on a production of Dear Evan Hansen.
Okay, look.
If you guys really don't think I should see Jesse,
then I guess I can tell you what's up and you can pass it on.
- Oh my god. Can we-- Can we handle this?
- Have you met us? Of course not!
We couldn't even handle the Impossible Burger
because it was too real.
- Okay, in our defense, what kind of vegetarian meat bleeds?
- I wrote a new album, and I got signed to a pretty major label.
And the first single's coming out this week.
This morning, I taped a segment on The Drew Barrymore Show, and...
she called it "a certified Barrymore banger,"
and then a bunch of donuts fell from the ceiling.
I really do not understand that show.
- Drew is daytime's new darling. Get on board.
- The single drops tomorrow,
and it's very obviously about me and Jesse,
and I think the combo of me having a big song
and it being about our relationship could be,
you know, a lot for him.
But yeah, m-maybe it's best coming from you guys.
Anyway, I'm staying at the Bowery, if he wants to talk.
♪ Staying at the Bowery, wanna say I'm sorry ♪
[quiet chatter] - I can't believe I was your perfect shot.
I guess my middle school art teacher Miss Duncan was right.
I do have the body of a model.
- That is a very disturbing story from your past.
[scoffs]
Um...
All that stuff you said earlier...
Thank you.
♪ soft music ♪
- There you are.
- Hey!
[laugh, kiss]
I'm sorry I'm late, and that I look like this.
I'm hoping that the-the chipped tooth adds more character?
Like maybe I've got a real juicy origin story.
- Mm. You know, the chipped tooth's kind of charming.
The, um, the bird shit on your shoulder leaves something to be desired.
- Oh! Oh god. I...
It was a long walk here.
- It's all good. JESSE: Hm.
- You missed the superintendent but, um, glad you're here now.
You know, Jesse, that full-time music teacher job
we talked about comes with full dental...
- Uh, I-I'm good, Drew. Thanks, though.
Well, okay. I'm going to let you two hang.
[clears throat]
- You offered him a full-time job? - Yep.
You know, I get that Jesse wants time to work on his own music.
I just... I don't know,
wish he'd stop chasing a pipe dream, you know?
- Wait...
Do you think that me making it as a photographer
is also a pipe dream?
- Maybe... maybe we can talk about this later?
- Actually, I-I'd kinda like to hear your answer right now.
- Look, I-I think photography is your passion,
and that's awesome.
But I also think there comes a time in life
when you should get a stable job,
so you can plan for your future.
Or afford a dentist.
- Got it.
- I gotta go say hi to those teachers. Um...
We'll keep talking later, okay?
[quiet chatter]
- Well, it's official. Fred's going to fire me.
I've worked for that horrible man
for five excruciating years,
and I put up with him because I told myself
that it was a stepping stone to something great, but now...
it's all for nothing.
He knows everyone in this industry,
and he will make sure that I'm known as the girl
who stole the beige lambskin quilted medium Chanel 19 flap.
[sighs] - No, he won't.
Because I am swiping it back.
- But you hate stealing. - I know.
But I love you more.
So just promise you'll wait for me if I get thrown in the pokey for this.
- Mm... [kiss]
This is so romantic!
But I cannot, in good conscience, commit to waiting for you.
[sighs]
♪ soft music ♪
[quiet chatter]
[clicks tongue]
[mouthing]
[clattering]
[shocked chatter] - Well...
a lovely evening. Thank you very much. Valentina, run!
♪
- Maybe we give him worse news before Meredith's news,
so it doesn't seem so bad.
- Like what? - I don't know.
We can tell him he has testicular cancer.
- How on earth would we know that before him?
- Oh, I love you, Bonnie. - I love you more, Clyde!
- Don't mind them. They're in the middle of some very intense
outlaw-themed role-play.
Where were you guys tonight?
- Something came up. - Oh.
Everything okay?
[phone beeping]
- [sighs] Sorry, it's the tow truck company.
My car broke down on the side of the road. It's gonna cost me a fortune.
Something tells me they're not gonna take back rub coupons. Be right back.
- Maybe we can just tell him tomorrow. - Yes.
Tomorrow is a perfect day for you to tell him.
FUTURE SOPHIE: Am I good enough to make it as an artist?
That's the question I asked myself a thousand times a day back then.
Except when I was around a certain someone.
- Hey. - Hey.
Why aren't you with Drew?
- We had a fight.
- Oh. I'm sorry. - Yeah.
Drew doesn't believe in what I'm doing with my life,
thinks it's time for me to grow up and get a real job...
[sighs]
I guess the way he sees me is...
pretty different than the way you see me.
♪ BRIGHTSIDE by The Lumineers ♪
- Well, maybe he's not the guy for you.
♪ Waves on a ceiling ♪
♪ I'll be your brightside ♪
♪ Baby, tonight ♪
♪ I'll be your bright side ♪
♪ Baby, tonight ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
♪ You were tired of Tacoma ♪
♪ I was tired of believing we were right ♪
♪ Losing every other friend ♪
♪ Finding nothing in the afterlife ♪
♪ But the light in your eyes ♪
♪