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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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Sid! Hit me with a cold one, stat.
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TGIF, am I right, people? Hoo!
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You've been working your new job,
what, five days?
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In a row, Sid. In a row.
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Oh, hey, that's Bob.
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He teaches third grade at my school.
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And that's Melanie. She teaches fifth.
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- What are the odds?
- Oh.
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Parker, the new gym teacher? And Drew?
What's going on?
10
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I'm sure there's
a totally logical reason
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why all your coworkers
are hanging out without you.
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Ooh, maybe they're throwing you
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a surprise party! Is it your birthday?
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No!
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Or is it? Wait.
Should I know your birthday?
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- Do you know mine?
- Today is not my birthday, okay?
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- And yours is...
- Okay! We all know each other's birthday!
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Let's not lose sight of the bigger issue.
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What are all those teachers up to?
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I'm gonna go find out.
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Hey, hey! Everyone I work with.
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Uh, how's it going?
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Pretty bad now.
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What?
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J. Crew. What's up, buddy?
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Hey, man, why is the entire faculty
getting drinks without me?
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We're having an affair.
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- All of you?
- Yup.
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We're just a bunch
of grade school teachers
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who like... doing orgies and stuff.
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Fine. We're here celebrating
Melanie's 35th.
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What? What's going on?
Do they not like me?
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No, no.
It's not that they don't like you.
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It's that they actively hate you.
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Wh-Why?
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I'm sorry, dude. I can't tell you.
They'd turn on me.
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I should probably get back.
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Now, beat it, Jesse!
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Find some other bar to suck in!
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Sorry.
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Everyone I work with hates me.
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Yeah, we kinda figured that.
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I don't get it. I'm a great colleague.
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I refill the Keurig every goddamn morning!
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Yeah, you do, you co-working prince!
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You know what? Who cares about them
and their stupid birthday party?
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I've already got plans tonight anyway.
Big plans!
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Yeah! And don't let anyone
take those big plans
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that sound totally real
away from you, Jesse.
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So, I was thinking
we could go to the movies tonight
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and sneak in our own food.
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Let's challenge ourselves.
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Full rotisserie chicken. Do we dare?
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Sounds amazing, but tonight's no good.
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I actually, uh, have a... thing.
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Oh, really? Want me to come?
I love a thing.
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Nah, it's just a dumb work thing.
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You'd hate it, so,
uh, I'll call you later?
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Okay. Yeah.
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That was weird, right?
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She's been acting weird.
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Having "things" to do?
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Plus, she keeps answering the phone,
"Yes, this is she,"
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which is shady as hell!
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Do you think she's cheating on me?
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- I mean, yeah, kinda.
- What?!
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- You asked! I just said yes!
- You're supposed to say no!
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- No.
- Too late!
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Oh...
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I think it's pretty clear
what this situation calls for.
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A stakeout.
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Sid, don't trivialize Ellen's
relationship issues
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with some immature idea about...
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- I'm in.
- Yay! I wanna come, too.
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Are there gonna be snacks?
Also, I don't care,
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but did you guys know that they
sell Red Vines in big tubs?
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Hi!
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Why are you here in a suit?
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Because we have a reservation
tonight at Casa di Landon.
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What?
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The restaurant from
the 12-year-old prodigy
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who won this year's season of
Big Kid Chef.
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One of these filets is for babies.
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And the other one...
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is for big kids.
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Chef Landon.
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You are...
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the Big Kid Chef!
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Yes!
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♪ You're a big kid chef ♪
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Oh, my God! We made that reservation,
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like, a million years ago...
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when we were together.
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We should cancel. I don't think
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us going to a fancy dinner
together alone is a good idea.
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Why not?
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We have finally found
our footing as friends.
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I don't wanna mess that up
with a one-on-one date
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that will inevitably lead to S-E-X.
100
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Why are you spelling it?
The Big Kid Chef isn't around yet.
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Plus, the two of us
have hung out loads of times,
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one-on-one, without things getting sexy.
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Okay, we haven't, but so what?
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Yeah, maybe you're right.
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Anyway, it's a restaurant
run by a 12-year-old boy.
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How romantic could it be?
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We're screwed.
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Where is she?
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Ah!
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- Seriously? You have, like, 900 of those.
- I know,
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and I don't know how long
the stakeout's going to last.
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Ooh! Not very long.
She's headed to the subway.
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- Hurry!
- What?
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- Oh!
- Too close!
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Oh! No! No!
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Ah!
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Sophie, there's no time.
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Ah!
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We jumped on a train,
and we followed Rachel to...
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Dun-dun-dun!
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New Jersey.
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How are my "dun-dun-duns"?
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Pretty dramatic, huh?
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What the hell is she doing in
an apartment building in New Jersey?
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Wait.
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Is that Jesse?
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What is he doing in New Jersey?
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Ha! My gut says black market shampoo.
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Maybe he's getting his teeth stretched.
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What does that even mean?
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Wouldn't you like to know, short teeth.
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Doesn't matter.
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Okay, we're here for Ellen.
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Unless... Ellen wants one of us
to follow him to see what he's up to.
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- Follow that man.
- Oh, thank God.
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Okay, you guys, I will get down
to the bottom of this.
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Nothing's gonna stop me.
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Starting now!
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Who do you think she's waiting for?
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No idea, but I know a guy,
if it comes down to it.
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Comes down to what?
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Couples counseling.
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What the... Who the hell is that?!
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- Look at this broad.
- Real piece of work.
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Arms. Legs. Head.
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Are you just naming body parts?
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Oh, my God...
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They're going into that woman's apartment!
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- Oh...
- I can't believe this is happening.
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Maybe they're just college friends.
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Meeting up to go have sex?
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Yeah! No...
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Okay... This place is very romantic.
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- Can we handle it?
- I can.
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In this soft, flickering candlelight,
you look...
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pretty ugly.
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Well, same with you!
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That perfect haircut makes
your cheekbones look...
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dumb!
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Fabulous. Then we are on the same page.
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Evening. Compliments of Chef Landon.
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You call this a soufflé?!
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How do you look at
yourself in the mirror?
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Ugh!
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Sorry, one long noodle?
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It's our signature stretched bucatini.
167
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Lady and the Tramp was a huge
culinary inspiration for Landon.
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Cool. Uh...
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Can we get a-a knife to cut it?
170
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Landon prefers you slurp the noodle
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as it was originally consumed
by the animals in the film.
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Right...
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It's just we can't. You see, we're, um,
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trying not to be intimate.
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Oh. I'm so sorry.
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I just assumed you were a couple.
177
00:08:04,526 --> 00:08:07,112
Oh, w-we were, but we're not anymore.
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Long story short, he doesn't
wanna have kids, I do, so...
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My wife and I don't want kids.
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And we have three.
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Okay...
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- Mm, that's good.
- Yeah, that's good.
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Mm.
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- We have to get out of here.
- Immediately.
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Alright!
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First up for tonight's open mic,
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we have... Jesse.
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Hello, New Jersey!
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Uh, this is a little song
I like to call Left Out.
190
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You're gonna want a double for this guy.
191
00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:06,797
Oh, no.
192
00:09:06,797 --> 00:09:09,424
Hey, where are my
Sugar Ray heads at, huh?
193
00:09:09,424 --> 00:09:11,426
Eh... Okay...
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00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:17,516
♪ Every morning, my colleagues
hang out without me ♪
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♪ At the teachers' lounge at my school ♪
196
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I'm a teacher.
197
00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:26,066
♪ I say I don't care
but the truth is it really bugs me ♪
198
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♪ Why do they have to be so cruel? ♪
199
00:09:29,444 --> 00:09:30,904
Seriously, why?
200
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:33,532
Oh, my God. This is so embarrassing.
201
00:09:33,532 --> 00:09:35,200
I can't watch. Tell me what's happening.
202
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,160
A guy is sucking.
203
00:09:38,996 --> 00:09:41,248
♪ When I say, "How's it hanging?" ♪
204
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♪ They just stare and leave me hanging ♪
205
00:09:43,292 --> 00:09:45,335
♪ While they eat donuts ♪
206
00:09:52,009 --> 00:09:53,552
Maybe you could look first?
207
00:09:54,970 --> 00:09:57,097
'Cause what if they're, like, right there?
208
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,223
I think we'd hear them.
209
00:09:58,223 --> 00:09:59,641
Not the way Rachel does it.
210
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,905
What do you think that is?
Some kind of sex NDA?
211
00:10:12,905 --> 00:10:15,908
Makes sense. Rachel is very private
about how quiet she is.
212
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:21,205
This isn't a sex NDA.
It's a lease application!
213
00:10:21,205 --> 00:10:22,873
Rachel's not having an affair.
214
00:10:22,873 --> 00:10:24,166
She's looking for an apartment!
215
00:10:24,166 --> 00:10:26,210
And I followed her here,
across state lines.
216
00:10:26,210 --> 00:10:27,503
That's a federal crime.
217
00:10:27,503 --> 00:10:28,837
No, it's not.
218
00:10:28,837 --> 00:10:30,464
Yeah, okay, but it's definitely not hot.
219
00:10:30,464 --> 00:10:32,216
And that's the primary bedroom.
220
00:10:32,216 --> 00:10:35,511
Oh, my God. Here they come!
We gotta hide! The refrigerator?
221
00:10:35,511 --> 00:10:37,846
I'll suffocate to death, but at least
she won't find me for a while.
222
00:10:37,846 --> 00:10:41,073
- But then when she does, I'll be fresh.
- Okay, just get down.
223
00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:48,607
Now, this is starting to feel
like a federal crime.
224
00:10:50,484 --> 00:10:52,027
Again, terribly sorry.
225
00:10:52,027 --> 00:10:55,030
Your, uh, restaurant was just...
too romantic for us.
226
00:10:55,030 --> 00:10:57,824
I'm not your waiter anymore.
227
00:10:58,784 --> 00:11:01,286
Do you hear something?
228
00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:08,752
It's coming from that cart.
229
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:18,262
It's him. It's the cooking boy.
230
00:11:18,846 --> 00:11:20,639
Oh. Okay.
231
00:11:20,639 --> 00:11:22,432
That's cool.
Should we call an Uber then?
232
00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:26,395
Charlie. You can't just leave a child
crying under a tablecloth.
233
00:11:27,104 --> 00:11:29,731
Why not? It definitely feels
like a job for his parents.
234
00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:31,733
Or, at the very least, his pastry chef.
235
00:11:36,071 --> 00:11:37,614
What's going on, Landon?
236
00:11:37,614 --> 00:11:39,533
I can't talk to you about it.
237
00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:41,285
Well, we did try our best.
238
00:11:41,285 --> 00:11:42,776
See you later, little man.
239
00:11:42,801 --> 00:11:45,053
I can't talk to her about it.
240
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,623
I can talk to you.
241
00:11:47,833 --> 00:11:49,084
Oh...
242
00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:52,462
Good luck, buddy. Tough crowd.
243
00:11:53,589 --> 00:11:55,465
Oh, my God.
Sophie, what are you doing here?
244
00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:57,898
Did you see me do my thing?
245
00:11:57,923 --> 00:12:00,259
Yeah. I saw it. I heard it.
246
00:12:01,471 --> 00:12:02,764
How do I forget it?
247
00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:06,143
Look, it's this new outlet I found
248
00:12:06,143 --> 00:12:07,978
to work through negative emotions, okay?
249
00:12:07,978 --> 00:12:09,539
I mean, before, when I was feeling down,
250
00:12:09,564 --> 00:12:12,082
I'd go to the park at night
and just scream.
251
00:12:12,107 --> 00:12:14,943
God, men really will do anything
to avoid therapy.
252
00:12:14,943 --> 00:12:16,945
We sure will. Anyway, now,
253
00:12:16,945 --> 00:12:19,656
when I need to blow off steam,
I-I write a parody song,
254
00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:21,617
and I-I come down to St. Freddie's pub,
255
00:12:21,617 --> 00:12:23,660
- and I belt out a song that...
- Wait!
256
00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:26,496
- This is called St. Freddie's?
- Yeah. Why?
257
00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:28,999
Melanie was wearing a jacket
from this bar.
258
00:12:28,999 --> 00:12:31,126
That's Bob.
He teaches third grade at my school.
259
00:12:31,126 --> 00:12:33,045
And that's Melanie. She teaches fifth.
260
00:12:33,045 --> 00:12:35,756
I remember
because I was like, "cute jacket."
261
00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:36,924
Then she turned around,
262
00:12:36,924 --> 00:12:38,550
and there was this really
ripped leprechaun on it.
263
00:12:38,550 --> 00:12:41,261
And I was like, "Is it weird that
I'm attracted to that leprechaun?"
264
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:42,888
And then, I could not stop thinking about
265
00:12:42,888 --> 00:12:44,932
how long it had been since I had
a bowl of Lucky Charms...
266
00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:46,892
Sophie? What's your point?
267
00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:48,894
Oh, my point is,
268
00:12:48,894 --> 00:12:52,231
is that Melanie must have
seen you do a song here,
269
00:12:52,231 --> 00:12:54,024
venting about all the teachers.
270
00:12:54,024 --> 00:12:56,401
She went and told them.
Now, they all hate you.
271
00:12:56,401 --> 00:13:00,280
Eh, I don't know.
My lyrics are pretty cryptic.
272
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,616
This is a song about some people
with a lot of nerve.
273
00:13:02,616 --> 00:13:05,202
♪ A little bit of Regina chewing loud ♪
274
00:13:05,202 --> 00:13:07,871
♪ A little bit of Bob
looking like Ann Dowd ♪
275
00:13:07,871 --> 00:13:10,499
♪ A little bit of
Melanie's sloppy sneeze ♪
276
00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:14,127
♪ A little bit of Frank's
dumb graphic tees, ah! ♪
277
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,588
Yeah, that's why they hate me.
278
00:13:16,588 --> 00:13:18,382
I can't believe I filled that Keurig once.
279
00:13:18,382 --> 00:13:20,300
Oh, my God, you said every morning.
280
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,010
You haven't seen the size of that thing.
281
00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:23,262
Okay, listen.
282
00:13:24,179 --> 00:13:27,432
I think I have an idea on how to get
you back in their good graces.
283
00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:30,185
Yes. I write a parody apology song. Ooh!
284
00:13:30,185 --> 00:13:32,688
I can do Me So Horny into Me So Sorry.
285
00:13:32,688 --> 00:13:34,398
Absolutely not.
286
00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:38,110
Right.
287
00:13:40,195 --> 00:13:41,488
What is it?
288
00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:44,992
I invited my crush Zoe
to eat here tonight.
289
00:13:45,951 --> 00:13:48,954
Like a date. She said she'd come,
290
00:13:48,954 --> 00:13:52,207
but she stood me up and went
to Raphael's party instead.
291
00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:55,502
Which makes sense 'cause
his aunt is Sigourney Weaver.
292
00:13:56,378 --> 00:13:58,380
Well, uh...
293
00:13:58,380 --> 00:14:00,382
This may surprise you,
294
00:14:00,966 --> 00:14:04,261
but there was a time
when girls stood me up, too.
295
00:14:04,928 --> 00:14:06,513
That doesn't surprise me at all.
296
00:14:07,639 --> 00:14:09,141
Anyway...
297
00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:12,436
Before I was the...
298
00:14:12,436 --> 00:14:14,938
undeniable hottie that you see before you,
299
00:14:15,856 --> 00:14:17,774
I was,
300
00:14:17,774 --> 00:14:20,777
rather sadly, a nottie.
301
00:14:21,195 --> 00:14:23,071
Got pantsed quite a lot, actually.
302
00:14:23,071 --> 00:14:25,240
Something about my slender hips, I think.
303
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:28,160
You see,
304
00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:29,786
guys like us,
305
00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:31,872
we just need to bide
our time a little bit.
306
00:14:31,872 --> 00:14:35,209
I mean, you might lose out
to the Raphaels of the world
307
00:14:35,209 --> 00:14:37,169
for the next few years, but,
308
00:14:37,169 --> 00:14:39,796
one day, you will wake up
309
00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:42,549
and find that girls simply cannot resist
310
00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:44,760
the brilliant chef...
311
00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:46,136
with the golden hat.
312
00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:48,680
Okay?
313
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:49,932
Come on.
314
00:14:49,932 --> 00:14:52,434
Go off and enjoy your childhood.
315
00:14:52,434 --> 00:14:55,187
Get back to working
this highly demanding late-night job
316
00:14:55,187 --> 00:14:57,731
that I can only assume is wildly
illegal for you to have.
317
00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:00,651
It's not illegal.
I was emancipated when I was 9.
318
00:15:10,452 --> 00:15:12,621
So, why on earth would you leave
319
00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:14,790
your awesome rent-controlled
apartment in the city?
320
00:15:14,790 --> 00:15:17,376
Wait. Forget I asked you that.
321
00:15:17,376 --> 00:15:19,628
Dad's right. I'm a terrible realtor.
322
00:15:20,128 --> 00:15:22,881
To be honest,
I need space from my girlfriend.
323
00:15:22,881 --> 00:15:25,884
What? What does she need space from?
324
00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:29,471
I have no clue.
325
00:15:29,471 --> 00:15:33,308
Well, if you need space,
this kitchen is to die for.
326
00:15:33,308 --> 00:15:36,812
I mean, do a lap
around this island. It's huge.
327
00:15:38,397 --> 00:15:40,816
All stainless steel appliances.
328
00:15:40,816 --> 00:15:44,069
Oh, this is a PowerPlus burner,
five-top...
329
00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:47,406
Okay. She's distracted by the cabinets.
330
00:15:47,406 --> 00:15:50,033
Stay low, and move toward the front door.
331
00:15:54,830 --> 00:15:56,123
Ellen?
332
00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:58,584
Rachel?
333
00:15:58,584 --> 00:16:00,586
This is so random!
334
00:16:07,342 --> 00:16:09,052
What are you doing here?
335
00:16:11,138 --> 00:16:12,389
We followed you.
336
00:16:12,389 --> 00:16:13,724
You what?
337
00:16:14,975 --> 00:16:17,978
Yep! Getting my phone call now.
I'm gonna take it...
338
00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:21,106
Me, too!
I'm getting a fake phone call, too.
339
00:16:24,026 --> 00:16:26,737
Wow.
I can't believe you followed me here.
340
00:16:26,737 --> 00:16:30,324
I'm sorry.
You've been acting super weird lately.
341
00:16:30,324 --> 00:16:33,994
Now, I realize it's because
you wanted to get away from me.
342
00:16:33,994 --> 00:16:37,372
No! It's not that I want to
get away from you.
343
00:16:37,372 --> 00:16:39,958
I just need space.
Living next to your girlfriend
344
00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:41,960
can be... a lot.
345
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,754
Of... fun?
346
00:16:44,546 --> 00:16:46,131
Just a lot.
347
00:16:46,131 --> 00:16:48,342
- Ha-ha!
- Ah! Don't kill me!
348
00:16:48,342 --> 00:16:49,593
What's cookin', good-lookin'?
349
00:16:49,593 --> 00:16:53,276
Is someone in need of
a special Ellen massage?!
350
00:16:55,599 --> 00:16:57,976
I think a little buffer
could be good for us.
351
00:16:57,976 --> 00:17:00,938
I was gonna tell you
as soon as I found a place.
352
00:17:02,397 --> 00:17:05,567
Rachel, you can get
this buffer apartment,
353
00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:07,903
and I can try to rein it in a bit.
354
00:17:07,903 --> 00:17:11,031
But, you said that dating me was a lot,
355
00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:13,075
and I need you to know
356
00:17:13,075 --> 00:17:15,327
that I-I'm always gonna be me.
357
00:17:15,911 --> 00:17:19,331
I'm gonna bake you scones on a whim
358
00:17:19,331 --> 00:17:22,251
and send you kick-ass Spotify playlists
359
00:17:22,251 --> 00:17:25,462
and draw you a bath on sketch paper,
360
00:17:25,462 --> 00:17:28,757
and then laugh and laugh
about the play on words.
361
00:17:30,759 --> 00:17:33,595
That's part of the Ellen package.
362
00:17:33,595 --> 00:17:36,557
So, y-you need to decide.
363
00:17:36,557 --> 00:17:38,267
Do you take me as I am,
364
00:17:38,267 --> 00:17:41,270
or not take me at all?
365
00:17:44,565 --> 00:17:47,526
I'm gonna get myself
one of those bald cats
366
00:17:47,526 --> 00:17:48,819
for my birthday.
367
00:17:48,819 --> 00:17:49,903
Are you sure?
368
00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:52,489
I feel like it'd be much cheaper
to just shave a stray.
369
00:17:54,074 --> 00:17:55,534
Oh, no. He's back.
370
00:17:55,534 --> 00:17:58,537
Hi, guys. I'm Sophie.
371
00:17:58,537 --> 00:17:59,621
I'm sure you don't remember me...
372
00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:00,831
We remember you.
373
00:18:00,831 --> 00:18:02,833
You're the girl that cheated
on Drew with Jesse,
374
00:18:02,833 --> 00:18:05,961
then didn't stay with Jesse,
so it wasn't even good cheating.
375
00:18:07,421 --> 00:18:10,215
Um... Uh, Melanie?
376
00:18:10,215 --> 00:18:12,384
We suspect that you
heard one of Jesse's songs.
377
00:18:12,384 --> 00:18:14,094
It's true. I did.
378
00:18:14,094 --> 00:18:15,971
It was disgusting.
379
00:18:16,388 --> 00:18:17,931
I guess if I got drunk enough,
380
00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:20,475
I could sing Shallow.
381
00:18:20,475 --> 00:18:23,437
♪ A little bit of Bob
looking like Ann Dowd ♪
382
00:18:23,437 --> 00:18:25,480
♪ A little bit of Melanie's
sloppy sneeze ♪
383
00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:26,982
♪ A little bit of... ♪
384
00:18:26,982 --> 00:18:29,818
Of course, I told everyone
what I heard that night.
385
00:18:29,818 --> 00:18:31,278
You traumatized me.
386
00:18:31,278 --> 00:18:32,905
I've been so afraid of sneezing,
387
00:18:32,905 --> 00:18:35,991
I'm getting a hairless cat.
A real weird one.
388
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,661
I don't look like Ann Dowd.
389
00:18:39,661 --> 00:18:41,622
I don't even know who Ann Dowd is.
390
00:18:41,622 --> 00:18:43,916
Oh, uh, Leftovers. Handmaid's Tale?
391
00:18:43,916 --> 00:18:45,918
Oh, I love her.
392
00:18:45,918 --> 00:18:47,878
- Oh...
- Look.
393
00:18:47,878 --> 00:18:49,922
I'm sorry, alright? I was pissed off
394
00:18:49,922 --> 00:18:51,279
'cause someone stole my Dannon
395
00:18:51,291 --> 00:18:53,300
Oikos Greek yogurt
from the office fridge.
396
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:55,385
That was me. I ate that yogurt,
397
00:18:55,385 --> 00:18:58,055
and my only regret is that it was apricot.
398
00:18:58,055 --> 00:18:59,681
Who buys apricot yogurt?
399
00:18:59,681 --> 00:19:01,058
Hey, hate it or eat it, Bob.
400
00:19:01,058 --> 00:19:02,851
- You can't have it both ways.
- Okay, everyone,
401
00:19:02,851 --> 00:19:05,062
calm down, alright?
402
00:19:05,062 --> 00:19:06,813
The only way to even the playing field
403
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,941
is you guys gotta roast Jesse back.
404
00:19:09,358 --> 00:19:10,609
That was your big plan?
405
00:19:10,609 --> 00:19:13,153
Sophie, these are professional educators.
They're not gonna bully me.
406
00:19:13,153 --> 00:19:16,073
I'll do it! Have you guys ever noticed
407
00:19:16,073 --> 00:19:18,242
that when Jesse takes a sip
from the water fountain,
408
00:19:18,242 --> 00:19:20,953
he puts his whole mouth around the spout?
409
00:19:20,953 --> 00:19:22,788
Ha, ha, ha. Okay, good one, Melanie.
410
00:19:22,788 --> 00:19:25,457
I'm just trying to save water.
The planet is dying, so...
411
00:19:26,208 --> 00:19:27,376
Yeah, Drew. Yeah.
412
00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:30,462
Jesse set up his work printer wrong,
413
00:19:30,462 --> 00:19:33,190
so I've got a copy
of his Survivor application.
414
00:19:33,215 --> 00:19:35,342
He says he knows how to, quote,
415
00:19:35,342 --> 00:19:37,594
"Use all the parts of the coconut."
416
00:19:38,136 --> 00:19:40,079
How is being resourceful about God's
417
00:19:40,091 --> 00:19:42,099
most versatile tree nut embarrassing?
418
00:19:42,099 --> 00:19:44,726
By the way,
you'd be terrible at Survivor.
419
00:19:44,726 --> 00:19:46,687
Your social game is garbage.
420
00:19:46,687 --> 00:19:49,481
And parody songs are
the lowest form of art,
421
00:19:49,481 --> 00:19:50,732
you tool!
422
00:19:53,443 --> 00:19:55,737
Well, we did it.
423
00:19:55,737 --> 00:19:58,991
We went out to dinner
and did not fall into bed together,
424
00:19:58,991 --> 00:20:01,743
so... go us.
425
00:20:02,578 --> 00:20:05,873
I mean, we slurped half a noodle,
and then bailed
426
00:20:05,873 --> 00:20:08,876
but, sure. Go us.
427
00:20:12,921 --> 00:20:14,506
Hey, Charlie. Um...
428
00:20:16,717 --> 00:20:19,292
The whole not wanting kids thing...
429
00:20:19,803 --> 00:20:21,013
Are you sure?
430
00:20:21,013 --> 00:20:23,307
Because I-I know.
I know you had a tricky upbringing.
431
00:20:24,516 --> 00:20:26,393
But you were great tonight.
432
00:20:28,103 --> 00:20:30,606
That one moment, I was great.
433
00:20:32,274 --> 00:20:35,944
When you have kids,
it's nothing but moments.
434
00:20:35,944 --> 00:20:39,698
It's moment after moment where you
have to do exactly the right thing
435
00:20:39,698 --> 00:20:42,659
or risk permanently screwing
someone up forever.
436
00:20:46,538 --> 00:20:48,707
Why are you so sure you do want kids?
437
00:20:50,626 --> 00:20:52,127
The moments.
438
00:20:53,003 --> 00:20:54,793
All of the ones you're afraid to mess
439
00:20:54,805 --> 00:20:56,465
up and all of the ones in between.
440
00:20:57,466 --> 00:20:59,885
I wanna do my best
to make those moments right.
441
00:20:59,885 --> 00:21:01,887
Nothing sounds more incredible to me.
442
00:21:03,972 --> 00:21:05,516
That's beautiful.
443
00:21:07,392 --> 00:21:09,645
So beautiful
it changed your mind about kids?
444
00:21:21,740 --> 00:21:22,783
Good night, Charlie.
445
00:21:23,951 --> 00:21:26,954
Good night, Val. You are...
446
00:21:28,247 --> 00:21:29,790
truly terrible company.
447
00:21:29,790 --> 00:21:32,292
Right back at you.
448
00:21:32,292 --> 00:21:35,087
You're boring. And you look like trash.
449
00:21:53,772 --> 00:21:54,815
You okay?
450
00:21:55,566 --> 00:21:56,859
Not really.
451
00:21:57,693 --> 00:21:59,695
- We broke up.
- Oh...
452
00:22:00,904 --> 00:22:01,905
Wanna talk about it?
453
00:22:04,157 --> 00:22:05,284
So, uh...
454
00:22:06,076 --> 00:22:08,120
I had a feeling you might
need a pick-me-up tonight,
455
00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:10,998
so I've been saving this.
Sophie texted me.
456
00:22:10,998 --> 00:22:13,917
Jesse does parody songs
at a dive bar in Jersey.
457
00:22:14,376 --> 00:22:17,462
- No...
- Yeah. Look, she sent me a video.
458
00:22:17,462 --> 00:22:19,464
No...
459
00:22:24,094 --> 00:22:27,848
I have it on good intel he wears
Dave Matthews Band cologne.
460
00:22:27,848 --> 00:22:29,516
I do not, Bob!
461
00:22:30,267 --> 00:22:34,188
And even if I did, David by Dave
is a very sophisticated scent.
462
00:22:36,148 --> 00:22:38,150
This is my favorite birthday ever!
463
00:22:38,734 --> 00:22:40,402
Okay. I think, maybe,
464
00:22:40,402 --> 00:22:42,154
we've reached a natural stopping point.
465
00:22:42,154 --> 00:22:44,323
Does everyone feel like
we've evened the score?
466
00:22:44,323 --> 00:22:46,658
We could... start fresh?
467
00:22:48,660 --> 00:22:50,287
Yeah, what the hell.
468
00:22:50,287 --> 00:22:53,040
Jesse, you can join my birthday party,
469
00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:54,333
if you want to.
470
00:22:54,333 --> 00:22:56,710
Thank you. How about a round on me?
471
00:22:56,710 --> 00:22:58,212
Oh, I'd love a white wine.
472
00:22:58,212 --> 00:22:59,505
You're not invited, cheater.
473
00:23:01,006 --> 00:23:02,508
Okay...
474
00:23:03,967 --> 00:23:05,219
Well, I'm gonna head out.
475
00:23:05,219 --> 00:23:07,179
Uh, hey. Hey. Thank you.
476
00:23:07,930 --> 00:23:08,931
Anytime.
477
00:23:15,812 --> 00:23:16,855
Hi.
478
00:23:16,855 --> 00:23:18,398
Hi... Hi!
479
00:23:18,398 --> 00:23:20,359
Sorry for roasting you.
480
00:23:20,359 --> 00:23:22,986
I-I'm brand new here,
and I just wanted them to like me.
481
00:23:22,986 --> 00:23:24,196
No problem.
482
00:23:24,196 --> 00:23:25,864
You're right about Melanie...
483
00:23:36,222 --> 00:23:40,222
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