1 00:00:03,045 --> 00:00:05,047 ♪ upbeat theme playing ♪ 2 00:00:05,047 --> 00:00:08,926 ♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪ 3 00:00:08,926 --> 00:00:12,429 ♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪ 4 00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:18,477 - [gasps] Sid! Hit me with a cold one, stat. 5 00:00:18,477 --> 00:00:21,813 TGIF, am I right, people? Hoo! 6 00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:25,108 - You've been working your new job, what, five days? 7 00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:28,111 - In a row, Sid. In a row. 8 00:00:28,946 --> 00:00:30,197 [Jesse sighs] 9 00:00:30,197 --> 00:00:31,448 - Oh, hey, that's Bob. 10 00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:33,200 He teaches third grade at my school. 11 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:34,910 And that's Melanie. She teaches fifth. 12 00:00:34,910 --> 00:00:36,370 What are the odds? - Oh. 13 00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:38,664 - Parker, the new gym teacher? And Drew? 14 00:00:38,664 --> 00:00:39,414 What's going on? 15 00:00:39,414 --> 00:00:41,667 - I'm sure there's a totally logical reason 16 00:00:41,667 --> 00:00:44,378 why all your coworkers are hanging out without you. 17 00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:45,921 - Ooh, maybe they're throwing you 18 00:00:45,921 --> 00:00:47,798 a surprise party! Is it your birthday? 19 00:00:47,798 --> 00:00:49,299 - No! 20 00:00:49,299 --> 00:00:52,177 Or is it? Wait. Should I know your birthday? 21 00:00:52,177 --> 00:00:54,596 Do you know mine? - Today is not my birthday, okay? 22 00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:57,641 And yours is-- - Okay! We all know each other's birthday! 23 00:00:57,641 --> 00:00:58,684 [nervous laugh] 24 00:00:58,684 --> 00:01:00,060 Let's not lose sight of the bigger issue. 25 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,187 What are all those teachers up to? 26 00:01:02,187 --> 00:01:03,689 - I'm gonna go find out. 27 00:01:06,358 --> 00:01:08,569 Hey, hey! Everyone I work with. 28 00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,070 Uh, how's it going? 29 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:12,114 - Pretty bad now. 30 00:01:12,114 --> 00:01:12,948 - What? 31 00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:15,409 - J. Crew. What's up, buddy? 32 00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:18,245 - Hey, man, why is the entire faculty getting drinks without me? 33 00:01:18,996 --> 00:01:20,247 - We're having an affair. 34 00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:23,750 - All of you? - Yup. 35 00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:25,836 We're just a bunch of grade school teachers 36 00:01:25,836 --> 00:01:28,213 who like... doing orgies and stuff. 37 00:01:29,464 --> 00:01:32,176 Fine. We're here celebrating Melanie's 35th. 38 00:01:32,176 --> 00:01:34,678 - What? What's going on? Do they not like me? 39 00:01:34,678 --> 00:01:36,680 - No, no. It's not that they don't like you. 40 00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:40,225 It's that they actively hate you. 41 00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:41,560 - Wh-Why? 42 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:44,271 - I'm sorry, dude. I can't tell you. They'd turn on me. 43 00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:46,273 I should probably get back. 44 00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:49,818 Now, beat it, Jesse! 45 00:01:49,818 --> 00:01:51,945 Find some other bar to suck in! 46 00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:55,324 Sorry. 47 00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:00,704 - Everyone I work with hates me. 48 00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:02,706 - Yeah, we kinda figured that. 49 00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:05,751 - I don't get it. I'm a great colleague. 50 00:02:05,751 --> 00:02:07,878 I refill the Keurig every goddamn morning! 51 00:02:07,878 --> 00:02:09,838 - Yeah, you do, you co-working prince! 52 00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:12,799 - You know what? Who cares about them and their stupid birthday party? 53 00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:15,093 I've already got plans tonight anyway. Big plans! 54 00:02:15,093 --> 00:02:17,679 - Yeah! And don't let anyone take those big plans 55 00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:19,598 that sound totally real away from you, Jesse. 56 00:02:25,604 --> 00:02:29,191 - So, I was thinking we could go to the movies tonight 57 00:02:29,191 --> 00:02:30,484 and sneak in our own food. 58 00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:31,860 Let's challenge ourselves. 59 00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:34,279 Full rotisserie chicken. Do we dare? 60 00:02:34,905 --> 00:02:37,157 - Sounds amazing, but tonight's no good. 61 00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:39,326 I actually, uh, have a... thing. 62 00:02:39,326 --> 00:02:42,454 - Oh, really? Want me to come? I love a thing. 63 00:02:42,454 --> 00:02:45,624 - [laughs] Nah, it's just a dumb work thing. 64 00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:47,835 You'd hate it, so, uh, I'll call you later? 65 00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,378 - Okay. Yeah. 66 00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:55,133 That was weird, right? 67 00:02:56,385 --> 00:02:57,719 She's been acting weird. 68 00:02:57,719 --> 00:03:00,138 Having "things" to do? 69 00:03:00,138 --> 00:03:02,891 Plus, she keeps answering the phone, "Yes, this is she," 70 00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:04,393 which is shady as hell! 71 00:03:05,394 --> 00:03:07,187 Do you think she's cheating on me? 72 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:08,689 - I mean, yeah, kinda. - What?! 73 00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:10,649 - You asked! I just said yes! - You're supposed to say no! 74 00:03:10,649 --> 00:03:11,817 - No. - Too late! 75 00:03:11,817 --> 00:03:13,277 - Oh... 76 00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:16,530 - I think it's pretty clear what this situation calls for. 77 00:03:17,614 --> 00:03:18,657 A stakeout. 78 00:03:19,575 --> 00:03:22,536 - Sid, don't trivialize Ellen's relationship issues 79 00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:24,162 with some immature idea about-- 80 00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:26,248 - I'm in. - Yay! I wanna come, too. 81 00:03:26,248 --> 00:03:28,041 Are there gonna be snacks? Also, I don't care, 82 00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:31,211 but did you guys know that they sell Red Vines in big tubs? 83 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:34,006 ♪ 84 00:03:34,006 --> 00:03:35,424 [knocking] 85 00:03:37,092 --> 00:03:38,093 - Hi! 86 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,180 Why are you here in a suit? 87 00:03:41,180 --> 00:03:43,182 - Because we have a reservation tonight at Casa di Landon. 88 00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:45,267 - What? 89 00:03:45,267 --> 00:03:47,060 - The restaurant from the 12-year-old prodigy 90 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:49,354 who won this year's season of Big Kid Chef. 91 00:03:50,022 --> 00:03:52,983 - One of these filets is for babies. 92 00:03:52,983 --> 00:03:54,818 ♪ intense music playing ♪ 93 00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:56,320 And the other one... 94 00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:58,655 is for big kids. 95 00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:00,908 Chef Landon. 96 00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:04,453 You are... 97 00:04:04,453 --> 00:04:06,580 ♪ music swells ♪ 98 00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,165 the Big Kid Chef! 99 00:04:08,165 --> 00:04:10,709 ♪ Big Kid Chef, you're not a baby ♪ 100 00:04:10,709 --> 00:04:11,710 - Yes! 101 00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:13,629 ♪ You're a big kid chef ♪ 102 00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:16,381 - Oh, my God! We made that reservation, 103 00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:18,383 like, a million years ago... 104 00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:20,344 when we were together. 105 00:04:20,344 --> 00:04:21,720 We should cancel. I don't think 106 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,598 us going to a fancy dinner together alone is a good idea. 107 00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:25,682 - Why not? 108 00:04:26,391 --> 00:04:28,435 - We have finally found our footing as friends. 109 00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:30,604 I don't wanna mess that up with a one-on-one date 110 00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:33,440 that will inevitably lead to S-E-X. 111 00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:36,944 - Why are you spelling it? The Big Kid Chef isn't around yet. 112 00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:38,695 Plus, the two of us have hung out loads of times, 113 00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:41,114 one-on-one, without things getting sexy. 114 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,824 ♪ percussive sting ♪ 115 00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:44,993 Okay, we haven't, but so what? 116 00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:47,913 - Yeah, maybe you're right. 117 00:04:47,913 --> 00:04:49,998 Anyway, it's a restaurant run by a 12-year-old boy. 118 00:04:49,998 --> 00:04:51,625 How romantic could it be? 119 00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:55,212 ♪ 120 00:04:55,212 --> 00:04:56,713 - We're screwed. 121 00:04:58,090 --> 00:04:59,591 - Where is she? 122 00:04:59,591 --> 00:05:00,592 - Ah! 123 00:05:00,592 --> 00:05:02,344 - Seriously? You have, like, 900 of those. - I know, 124 00:05:02,344 --> 00:05:04,888 and I don't know how long the stakeout's going to last. 125 00:05:04,888 --> 00:05:06,849 - Ooh! Not very long. She's headed to the subway. 126 00:05:06,849 --> 00:05:07,850 Hurry! SOPHIE: What? 127 00:05:07,850 --> 00:05:09,101 SID: Oh! ELLEN: Too close! 128 00:05:09,101 --> 00:05:11,061 - Oh! No! No! 129 00:05:11,061 --> 00:05:13,689 Ah! [blowing] 130 00:05:13,689 --> 00:05:15,691 - Sophie, there's no time. 131 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,317 - Ah! 132 00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:20,612 - We jumped on a train, and we followed Rachel to... 133 00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:22,114 Dun-dun-dun! 134 00:05:22,531 --> 00:05:24,032 New Jersey. 135 00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:26,410 How are my "dun-dun-duns"? 136 00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:28,036 Pretty dramatic, huh? 137 00:05:28,036 --> 00:05:31,039 [street noise] [distant siren] 138 00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:37,921 - What the hell is she doing in an apartment building in New Jersey? 139 00:05:38,422 --> 00:05:39,464 Wait. 140 00:05:40,591 --> 00:05:42,092 Is that Jesse? 141 00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:45,053 - What is he doing in New Jersey? 142 00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:48,056 Ha! My gut says black market shampoo. 143 00:05:48,974 --> 00:05:50,642 - Maybe he's getting his teeth stretched. 144 00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:51,560 - What does that even mean? [Sid scoffs] 145 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:54,021 - Wouldn't you like to know, short teeth. 146 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:56,732 - Doesn't matter. 147 00:05:56,732 --> 00:05:59,276 Okay, we're here for Ellen. 148 00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:05,240 Unless... Ellen wants one of us to follow him to see what he's up to. 149 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:06,867 - Follow that man. - Oh, thank God. 150 00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:09,453 Okay, you guys, I will get down to the bottom of this. 151 00:06:09,453 --> 00:06:10,871 Nothing's gonna stop me. 152 00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:13,290 [car honking] [Sid and Sophie scream] 153 00:06:13,290 --> 00:06:15,626 [gasping] Starting now! 154 00:06:15,626 --> 00:06:18,629 ♪ 155 00:06:22,174 --> 00:06:24,718 ♪ 156 00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:26,637 - Who do you think she's waiting for? 157 00:06:26,637 --> 00:06:28,972 - No idea, but I know a guy, if it comes down to it. 158 00:06:28,972 --> 00:06:30,432 - Comes down to what? 159 00:06:30,432 --> 00:06:31,683 - Couples counseling. 160 00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:32,935 [Ellen groans] 161 00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:37,481 - What the-- Who the hell is that?! 162 00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:41,568 - Look at this broad. [sarcastic laugh] Real piece of work. 163 00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:44,613 Arms. Legs. Head. 164 00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:46,532 - Are you just naming body parts? 165 00:06:47,533 --> 00:06:49,076 - Oh, my God... 166 00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:50,494 They're going into that woman's apartment! 167 00:06:50,494 --> 00:06:52,913 - Oh... - I can't believe this is happening. 168 00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:54,248 Maybe they're just college friends. 169 00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:55,582 - Meeting up to go have sex? 170 00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,668 - Yeah! No... 171 00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:02,464 - Okay... This place is very romantic. 172 00:07:02,464 --> 00:07:05,133 Can we handle it? - I can. 173 00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:08,011 In this soft, flickering candlelight, you look... 174 00:07:08,011 --> 00:07:09,012 ♪ soft music playing ♪ 175 00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:10,931 pretty ugly. 176 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,267 - Well, same with you! 177 00:07:13,267 --> 00:07:16,228 That perfect haircut makes your cheekbones look... 178 00:07:16,228 --> 00:07:17,437 ♪ soft music continues ♪ 179 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,438 dumb! 180 00:07:20,399 --> 00:07:23,068 - Fabulous. Then we are on the same page. 181 00:07:26,572 --> 00:07:29,867 - Evening. Compliments of Chef Landon. 182 00:07:31,285 --> 00:07:34,580 LANDON: You call this a soufflé?! How do you look at yourself in the mirror? 183 00:07:34,580 --> 00:07:36,081 Ugh! 184 00:07:36,498 --> 00:07:38,125 - Sorry, one long noodle? 185 00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:40,878 - It's our signature stretched bucatini. 186 00:07:40,878 --> 00:07:44,506 Lady and the Tramp was a huge culinary inspiration for Landon. 187 00:07:45,591 --> 00:07:47,467 - Cool. Uh... 188 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,136 Can we get a-a knife to cut it? 189 00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:51,471 - Landon prefers you slurp the noodle 190 00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,807 as it was originally consumed by the animals in the film. 191 00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:56,810 - Right... 192 00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:59,730 It's just we can't. You see, we're, um, 193 00:07:59,730 --> 00:08:01,064 trying not to be intimate. 194 00:08:01,064 --> 00:08:02,941 - Oh. I'm so sorry. 195 00:08:02,941 --> 00:08:04,526 I just assumed you were a couple. 196 00:08:04,526 --> 00:08:07,112 - Oh, w-we were, but [laughs] we're not anymore. 197 00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:09,364 Long story short, he doesn't wanna have kids, I do, so... 198 00:08:09,907 --> 00:08:11,575 - My wife and I don't want kids. 199 00:08:11,575 --> 00:08:12,826 And we have three. 200 00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,828 [wheezing laugh] 201 00:08:16,121 --> 00:08:17,164 [waiter sighs] 202 00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:20,626 - Okay... [clears throat] 203 00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:24,004 Mm, that's good. - Yeah, that's good. 204 00:08:26,131 --> 00:08:27,132 VALENTINA: Mm. 205 00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:35,349 - We have to get out of here. - Immediately. 206 00:08:35,974 --> 00:08:38,810 ♪ 207 00:08:38,810 --> 00:08:42,189 [indistinct chatter] 208 00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:44,942 ♪ soft music playing ♪ 209 00:08:47,528 --> 00:08:49,363 - Alright! 210 00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:50,948 First up for tonight's open mic, 211 00:08:50,948 --> 00:08:53,408 we have... Jesse. 212 00:08:53,408 --> 00:08:56,411 [applause] 213 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,997 - [on speaker] Hello, New Jersey! [laughs] 214 00:08:58,997 --> 00:09:01,375 Uh, this is a little song I like to call Left Out. 215 00:09:01,375 --> 00:09:04,461 - [groans] You're gonna want a double for this guy. 216 00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:06,797 - Oh, no. [keyboard playing] 217 00:09:06,797 --> 00:09:09,424 - Hey, where are my Sugar Ray heads at, huh? 218 00:09:09,424 --> 00:09:11,426 Eh... Okay... 219 00:09:11,426 --> 00:09:14,221 ♪ playing Every Morning by Sugar Ray melody ♪ 220 00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:17,516 ♪ Every morning, my colleagues hang out without me ♪ 221 00:09:17,516 --> 00:09:20,936 ♪ At the teachers' lounge at my school ♪ 222 00:09:20,936 --> 00:09:22,479 I'm a teacher. 223 00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:26,066 ♪ I say I don't care but the truth is it really bugs me ♪ 224 00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:29,444 ♪ Why do they have to be so cruel? ♪ 225 00:09:29,444 --> 00:09:30,904 Seriously, why? 226 00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:33,532 [continues singing] - Oh, my God. This is so embarrassing. 227 00:09:33,532 --> 00:09:35,200 I can't watch. Tell me what's happening. 228 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,160 - A guy is sucking. 229 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:38,996 [continues playing] [Jesse clears throat] 230 00:09:38,996 --> 00:09:41,248 - ♪ When I say, "How's it hanging?" ♪ 231 00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:43,292 ♪ They just stare and leave me hanging ♪ 232 00:09:43,292 --> 00:09:45,335 ♪ While they eat donuts ♪ 233 00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:46,712 ♪ 234 00:09:49,965 --> 00:09:52,009 ♪ 235 00:09:52,009 --> 00:09:53,552 - Maybe you could look first? 236 00:09:54,970 --> 00:09:57,097 'Cause what if they're, like, right there? 237 00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,223 - I think we'd hear them. 238 00:09:58,223 --> 00:09:59,641 - Not the way Rachel does it. 239 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,905 - What do you think that is? Some kind of sex NDA? 240 00:10:12,905 --> 00:10:15,908 - Makes sense. Rachel is very private about how quiet she is. 241 00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:21,205 This isn't a sex NDA. It's a lease application! 242 00:10:21,205 --> 00:10:22,873 Rachel's not having an affair. 243 00:10:22,873 --> 00:10:24,166 She's looking for an apartment! 244 00:10:24,166 --> 00:10:26,210 And I followed her here, across state lines. 245 00:10:26,210 --> 00:10:27,503 That's a federal crime. 246 00:10:27,503 --> 00:10:28,837 - No, it's not. 247 00:10:28,837 --> 00:10:30,464 - Yeah, okay, but it's definitely not hot. 248 00:10:30,464 --> 00:10:32,216 REALTOR: And that's the primary bedroom. 249 00:10:32,216 --> 00:10:35,511 - Oh, my God. Here they come! We gotta hide! The refrigerator? 250 00:10:35,511 --> 00:10:37,846 I'll suffocate to death, but at least she won't find me for a while. 251 00:10:37,846 --> 00:10:39,556 But then when she does, I'll be fresh. - Okay, just get down. 252 00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:48,607 Now, this is starting to feel like a federal crime. 253 00:10:50,484 --> 00:10:52,027 - Again, terribly sorry. 254 00:10:52,027 --> 00:10:55,030 Your, uh, restaurant was just... too romantic for us. 255 00:10:55,030 --> 00:10:57,824 - I'm not your waiter anymore. 256 00:10:58,784 --> 00:11:01,286 [soft crying] - Do you hear something? 257 00:11:01,286 --> 00:11:03,330 [crying continues] 258 00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:06,333 ♪ soft music playing ♪ 259 00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:08,752 - It's coming from that cart. 260 00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:18,262 - It's him. It's the cooking boy. 261 00:11:18,846 --> 00:11:20,639 - Oh. Okay. 262 00:11:20,639 --> 00:11:22,432 That's cool. Should we call an Uber then? 263 00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:26,395 - Charlie. You can't just leave a child crying under a tablecloth. 264 00:11:27,104 --> 00:11:29,731 - Why not? It definitely feels like a job for his parents. 265 00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:31,733 Or, at the very least, his pastry chef. 266 00:11:36,071 --> 00:11:37,614 - What's going on, Landon? 267 00:11:37,614 --> 00:11:39,533 - I can't talk to you about it. 268 00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:41,285 - Well, we did try our best. 269 00:11:41,285 --> 00:11:42,953 See you later, little man. 270 00:11:42,953 --> 00:11:45,205 - I can't talk to her about it. 271 00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,623 I can talk to you. 272 00:11:47,833 --> 00:11:49,084 - Oh... 273 00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:52,462 - Good luck, buddy. Tough crowd. [nervous laugh] 274 00:11:53,589 --> 00:11:55,465 Oh, my God. Sophie, what are you doing here? 275 00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:57,759 Did you see me do my thing? 276 00:11:57,759 --> 00:12:00,095 - Yeah. I saw it. I heard it. 277 00:12:01,471 --> 00:12:02,764 How do I forget it? 278 00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:06,143 - Look, it's this new outlet I found 279 00:12:06,143 --> 00:12:07,978 to work through negative emotions, okay? 280 00:12:07,978 --> 00:12:09,354 I mean, before, when I was feeling down, 281 00:12:09,354 --> 00:12:11,190 I'd go to the park at night and just scream. 282 00:12:12,107 --> 00:12:14,943 - God, men really will do anything to avoid therapy. 283 00:12:14,943 --> 00:12:16,945 - We sure will. Anyway, now, 284 00:12:16,945 --> 00:12:19,656 when I need to blow off steam, I-I write a parody song, 285 00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:21,617 and I-I come down to St. Freddie's pub, 286 00:12:21,617 --> 00:12:23,660 and I belt out a song that-- - Wait! 287 00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:26,496 - This is called St. Freddie's? - Yeah. Why? 288 00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:28,999 - Melanie was wearing a jacket from this bar. 289 00:12:28,999 --> 00:12:31,126 - That's Bob. He teaches third grade at my school. 290 00:12:31,126 --> 00:12:33,045 And that's Melanie. She teaches fifth. 291 00:12:33,045 --> 00:12:35,756 SOPHIE: I remember because I was like, "cute jacket." 292 00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:36,924 Then she turned around, 293 00:12:36,924 --> 00:12:38,550 and there was this really ripped leprechaun on it. 294 00:12:38,550 --> 00:12:41,261 And I was like, "Is it weird that I'm attracted to that leprechaun?" 295 00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:42,888 And then, I could not stop thinking about 296 00:12:42,888 --> 00:12:44,932 how long it had been since I had a bowl of Lucky Charms-- 297 00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:46,892 - Sophie? What's your point? 298 00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:48,894 - Oh, my point is, 299 00:12:48,894 --> 00:12:52,231 is that Melanie must have seen you do a song here, 300 00:12:52,231 --> 00:12:54,024 venting about all the teachers. 301 00:12:54,024 --> 00:12:56,401 She went and told them. Now, they all hate you. 302 00:12:56,401 --> 00:13:00,280 - Eh, I don't know. My lyrics are pretty cryptic. 303 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,616 This is a song about some people with a lot of nerve. 304 00:13:02,616 --> 00:13:05,202 [playing Mambo No. 5 melody] ♪ A little bit of Regina chewing loud ♪ 305 00:13:05,202 --> 00:13:07,871 ♪ A little bit of Bob looking like Ann Dowd ♪ 306 00:13:07,871 --> 00:13:10,499 ♪ A little bit of Melanie's sloppy sneeze ♪ 307 00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:14,127 ♪ A little bit of Frank's dumb graphic tees, ah! ♪ 308 00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,588 Yeah, that's why they hate me. 309 00:13:16,588 --> 00:13:18,382 I can't believe I filled that Keurig once. 310 00:13:18,382 --> 00:13:20,300 - Oh, my God, you said every morning. 311 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,010 - You haven't seen the size of that thing. 312 00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:23,262 - Okay, listen. 313 00:13:24,179 --> 00:13:27,432 I think I have an idea on how to get you back in their good graces. 314 00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:30,185 - Yes. I write a parody apology song. Ooh! 315 00:13:30,185 --> 00:13:32,688 I can do Me So Horny into Me So Sorry. 316 00:13:32,688 --> 00:13:34,398 - Absolutely not. 317 00:13:34,398 --> 00:13:35,607 ♪ 318 00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:38,110 - Right. [sighs] 319 00:13:38,110 --> 00:13:40,195 ♪ soft music playing ♪ 320 00:13:40,195 --> 00:13:41,488 What is it? 321 00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:44,992 - I invited my crush Zoe to eat here tonight. 322 00:13:45,951 --> 00:13:48,954 Like a date. She said she'd come, 323 00:13:48,954 --> 00:13:52,207 but she stood me up and went to Raphael's party instead. 324 00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:55,502 Which makes sense 'cause his aunt is Sigourney Weaver. 325 00:13:56,378 --> 00:13:58,380 - Well, uh... 326 00:13:58,380 --> 00:14:00,382 This may surprise you, 327 00:14:00,966 --> 00:14:04,261 but there was a time when girls stood me up, too. 328 00:14:04,928 --> 00:14:06,513 - That doesn't surprise me at all. 329 00:14:07,639 --> 00:14:09,141 - Anyway... 330 00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:12,436 Before I was the... 331 00:14:12,436 --> 00:14:14,938 undeniable hottie that you see before you, 332 00:14:15,856 --> 00:14:17,774 I was, 333 00:14:17,774 --> 00:14:20,777 rather sadly, a nottie. 334 00:14:21,195 --> 00:14:23,071 Got pantsed quite a lot, actually. 335 00:14:23,071 --> 00:14:25,240 Something about my slender hips, I think. 336 00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:28,160 You see, 337 00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:29,786 guys like us, 338 00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:31,872 we just need to bide our time a little bit. 339 00:14:31,872 --> 00:14:35,209 I mean, you might lose out to the Raphaels of the world 340 00:14:35,209 --> 00:14:37,169 for the next few years, but, 341 00:14:37,169 --> 00:14:39,796 one day, you will wake up 342 00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:42,549 and find that girls simply cannot resist 343 00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:44,760 the brilliant chef... 344 00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:46,136 with the golden hat. 345 00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:48,680 Okay? 346 00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:49,932 Come on. 347 00:14:49,932 --> 00:14:52,434 Go off and enjoy your childhood. 348 00:14:52,434 --> 00:14:55,187 Get back to working this highly demanding late-night job 349 00:14:55,187 --> 00:14:57,731 that I can only assume is wildly illegal for you to have. 350 00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:00,651 - It's not illegal. I was emancipated when I was 9. 351 00:15:04,321 --> 00:15:07,241 ♪ 352 00:15:10,452 --> 00:15:12,621 - So, why on earth would you leave 353 00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:14,790 your awesome rent-controlled apartment in the city? 354 00:15:14,790 --> 00:15:17,376 Wait. Forget I asked you that. 355 00:15:17,376 --> 00:15:19,628 Dad's right. I'm a terrible realtor. 356 00:15:20,128 --> 00:15:22,881 - To be honest, I need space from my girlfriend. 357 00:15:22,881 --> 00:15:25,884 - What? What does she need space from? 358 00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:29,471 - I have no clue. 359 00:15:29,471 --> 00:15:33,308 - Well, if you need space, this kitchen is to die for. 360 00:15:33,308 --> 00:15:36,812 I mean, do a lap around this island. It's huge. 361 00:15:38,397 --> 00:15:40,816 All stainless steel appliances. 362 00:15:40,816 --> 00:15:44,069 Oh, this is a PowerPlus burner, five-top... 363 00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:47,406 - Okay. She's distracted by the cabinets. 364 00:15:47,406 --> 00:15:50,033 Stay low, and move toward the front door. 365 00:15:50,033 --> 00:15:53,078 [realtor continues] 366 00:15:54,830 --> 00:15:56,123 RACHEL: Ellen? 367 00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:58,584 - Rachel? 368 00:15:58,584 --> 00:16:00,586 This is so random! 369 00:16:00,586 --> 00:16:01,962 [Ellen laughs nervously] 370 00:16:01,962 --> 00:16:03,839 ♪ 371 00:16:07,342 --> 00:16:09,052 - What are you doing here? 372 00:16:11,138 --> 00:16:12,389 - We followed you. 373 00:16:12,389 --> 00:16:13,724 - You what? 374 00:16:14,975 --> 00:16:17,978 - Yep! Getting my phone call now. I'm gonna take it... 375 00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:21,106 - Me, too! I'm getting a fake phone call, too. 376 00:16:22,316 --> 00:16:24,026 [Rachel scoffs] [door shuts] 377 00:16:24,026 --> 00:16:26,737 - Wow. I can't believe you followed me here. 378 00:16:26,737 --> 00:16:30,324 - I'm sorry. You've been acting super weird lately. 379 00:16:30,324 --> 00:16:33,994 Now, I realize it's because you wanted to get away from me. 380 00:16:33,994 --> 00:16:37,372 - No! It's not that I want to get away from you. 381 00:16:37,372 --> 00:16:39,958 I just need space. Living next to your girlfriend 382 00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:41,960 can be... a lot. 383 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,754 - Of... fun? 384 00:16:44,546 --> 00:16:46,131 - Just a lot. 385 00:16:46,131 --> 00:16:48,342 - Ha-ha! - Ah! Don't kill me! 386 00:16:48,342 --> 00:16:49,593 - What's cookin', good-lookin'? 387 00:16:49,593 --> 00:16:52,554 Is someone in need of a special Ellen massage?! 388 00:16:54,306 --> 00:16:55,599 ♪ 389 00:16:55,599 --> 00:16:57,976 - I think a little buffer could be good for us. 390 00:16:57,976 --> 00:17:00,938 I was gonna tell you as soon as I found a place. 391 00:17:02,397 --> 00:17:05,567 - Rachel, you can get this buffer apartment, 392 00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:07,903 and I can try to rein it in a bit. 393 00:17:07,903 --> 00:17:11,031 But, you said that dating me was a lot, 394 00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:13,075 and I need you to know 395 00:17:13,075 --> 00:17:15,327 that I-I'm always gonna be me. 396 00:17:15,911 --> 00:17:19,331 I'm gonna bake you scones on a whim 397 00:17:19,331 --> 00:17:22,251 and send you kick-ass Spotify playlists 398 00:17:22,251 --> 00:17:25,462 and draw you a bath on sketch paper, 399 00:17:25,462 --> 00:17:28,757 and then laugh and laugh about the play on words. 400 00:17:30,759 --> 00:17:33,595 That's part of the Ellen package. 401 00:17:33,595 --> 00:17:36,557 So, y-you need to decide. 402 00:17:36,557 --> 00:17:38,267 Do you take me as I am, 403 00:17:38,267 --> 00:17:41,270 or not take me at all? 404 00:17:44,565 --> 00:17:47,526 - I'm gonna get myself one of those bald cats 405 00:17:47,526 --> 00:17:48,819 for my birthday. 406 00:17:48,819 --> 00:17:49,903 - Are you sure? 407 00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:52,489 I feel like it'd be much cheaper to just shave a stray. 408 00:17:52,489 --> 00:17:54,074 [Jesse laughs nervously] 409 00:17:54,074 --> 00:17:55,534 - Oh, no. He's back. 410 00:17:55,534 --> 00:17:58,537 - Hi, guys. I'm Sophie. 411 00:17:58,537 --> 00:17:59,621 I'm sure you don't remember me-- 412 00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:00,831 - We remember you. 413 00:18:00,831 --> 00:18:02,833 You're the girl that cheated on Drew with Jesse, 414 00:18:02,833 --> 00:18:05,961 then didn't stay with Jesse, so it wasn't even good cheating. 415 00:18:07,421 --> 00:18:10,215 - Um... Uh, Melanie? 416 00:18:10,215 --> 00:18:12,384 We suspect that you heard one of Jesse's songs. 417 00:18:12,384 --> 00:18:14,094 - It's true. I did. 418 00:18:14,094 --> 00:18:15,971 It was disgusting. 419 00:18:16,388 --> 00:18:17,931 I guess if I got drunk enough, 420 00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:20,475 I could sing Shallow. 421 00:18:20,475 --> 00:18:23,437 - ♪ A little bit of Bob looking like Ann Dowd ♪ 422 00:18:23,437 --> 00:18:25,480 ♪ A little bit of Melanie's sloppy sneeze ♪ 423 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:26,982 ♪ A little bit of... ♪ 424 00:18:26,982 --> 00:18:29,818 - Of course, I told everyone what I heard that night. 425 00:18:29,818 --> 00:18:31,278 You traumatized me. 426 00:18:31,278 --> 00:18:32,905 I've been so afraid of sneezing, 427 00:18:32,905 --> 00:18:35,991 I'm getting a hairless cat. A real weird one. 428 00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,661 - I don't look like Ann Dowd. 429 00:18:39,661 --> 00:18:41,622 I don't even know who Ann Dowd is. 430 00:18:41,622 --> 00:18:43,916 - Oh, uh, Leftovers. Handmaid's Tale? 431 00:18:43,916 --> 00:18:45,918 - Oh, I love her. 432 00:18:45,918 --> 00:18:47,878 Oh... JESSE: Look. 433 00:18:47,878 --> 00:18:49,922 I'm sorry, alright? I was pissed off 434 00:18:49,922 --> 00:18:53,300 'cause someone stole my Dannon Oikos Greek yogurt from the office fridge. 435 00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:55,385 - That was me. I ate that yogurt, 436 00:18:55,385 --> 00:18:58,055 and my only regret is that it was apricot. 437 00:18:58,055 --> 00:18:59,681 Who buys apricot yogurt? 438 00:18:59,681 --> 00:19:01,058 - Hey, hate it or eat it, Bob. 439 00:19:01,058 --> 00:19:02,851 You can't have it both ways. - Okay, everyone, 440 00:19:02,851 --> 00:19:05,062 calm down, alright? 441 00:19:05,062 --> 00:19:06,813 The only way to even the playing field 442 00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,941 is you guys gotta roast Jesse back. 443 00:19:09,358 --> 00:19:10,609 - That was your big plan? 444 00:19:10,609 --> 00:19:13,153 Sophie, these are professional educators. They're not gonna bully me. 445 00:19:13,153 --> 00:19:16,073 - I'll do it! Have you guys ever noticed 446 00:19:16,073 --> 00:19:18,242 that when Jesse takes a sip from the water fountain, 447 00:19:18,242 --> 00:19:20,953 he puts his whole mouth around the spout? 448 00:19:20,953 --> 00:19:22,788 - Ha, ha, ha. Okay, good one, Melanie. 449 00:19:22,788 --> 00:19:25,457 I'm just trying to save water. The planet is dying, so... 450 00:19:26,208 --> 00:19:27,376 Yeah, Drew. Yeah. 451 00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:30,462 - [laughs] Jesse set up his work printer wrong, 452 00:19:30,462 --> 00:19:32,673 so I've got a copy of his Survivor application. 453 00:19:33,215 --> 00:19:35,342 He says he knows how to, quote, 454 00:19:35,342 --> 00:19:37,594 "Use all the parts of the coconut." 455 00:19:38,136 --> 00:19:42,099 - How is being resourceful about God's most versatile tree nut embarrassing? 456 00:19:42,099 --> 00:19:44,726 - By the way, you'd be terrible at Survivor. 457 00:19:44,726 --> 00:19:46,687 Your social game is garbage. 458 00:19:46,687 --> 00:19:49,481 - And parody songs are the lowest form of art, 459 00:19:49,481 --> 00:19:50,732 you tool! 460 00:19:50,732 --> 00:19:53,443 ♪ 461 00:19:53,443 --> 00:19:55,737 [both laughing] - Well, we did it. 462 00:19:55,737 --> 00:19:58,991 We went out to dinner and did not fall into bed together, 463 00:19:58,991 --> 00:20:01,743 so... go us. 464 00:20:02,578 --> 00:20:05,873 - I mean, we slurped half a noodle, and then bailed 465 00:20:05,873 --> 00:20:08,876 but, sure. Go us. [laughs] 466 00:20:12,921 --> 00:20:14,506 Hey, Charlie. Um... 467 00:20:16,717 --> 00:20:18,302 The whole not wanting kids thing... 468 00:20:19,803 --> 00:20:21,013 Are you sure? 469 00:20:21,013 --> 00:20:23,307 Because I-I know. I know you had a tricky upbringing. 470 00:20:24,516 --> 00:20:26,393 But you were great tonight. 471 00:20:28,103 --> 00:20:30,606 - That one moment, I was great. 472 00:20:32,274 --> 00:20:35,944 When you have kids, it's nothing but moments. 473 00:20:35,944 --> 00:20:39,698 It's moment after moment where you have to do exactly the right thing 474 00:20:39,698 --> 00:20:42,659 or risk permanently screwing someone up forever. 475 00:20:46,538 --> 00:20:48,707 Why are you so sure you do want kids? 476 00:20:50,626 --> 00:20:52,127 - The moments. 477 00:20:53,003 --> 00:20:56,465 All of the ones you're afraid to mess up and all of the ones in between. 478 00:20:57,466 --> 00:20:59,885 I wanna do my best to make those moments right. 479 00:20:59,885 --> 00:21:01,887 Nothing sounds more incredible to me. 480 00:21:03,972 --> 00:21:05,516 - That's beautiful. 481 00:21:07,392 --> 00:21:09,645 - So beautiful it changed your mind about kids? 482 00:21:13,232 --> 00:21:16,068 [car approaching] 483 00:21:16,068 --> 00:21:19,071 ♪ Don't Dream It's Over by Liv Dawson playing ♪ 484 00:21:21,740 --> 00:21:22,783 Good night, Charlie. 485 00:21:23,951 --> 00:21:26,954 - Good night, Val. You are... 486 00:21:28,247 --> 00:21:29,790 truly terrible company. 487 00:21:29,790 --> 00:21:32,292 - [smirks] Right back at you. 488 00:21:32,292 --> 00:21:35,087 You're boring. And you look like trash. 489 00:21:38,590 --> 00:21:41,593 - ♪ There is freedom within ♪ 490 00:21:41,593 --> 00:21:44,054 ♪ There is freedom without ♪ 491 00:21:44,054 --> 00:21:47,182 ♪ Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup ♪ 492 00:21:47,182 --> 00:21:48,183 [car door shuts] 493 00:21:49,351 --> 00:21:50,894 [distant siren] 494 00:21:50,894 --> 00:21:53,272 ♪ And there's a battle ahead ♪ 495 00:21:53,772 --> 00:21:54,815 - You okay? 496 00:21:55,566 --> 00:21:56,859 - Not really. 497 00:21:57,693 --> 00:21:59,695 We broke up. - Oh... 498 00:22:00,904 --> 00:22:01,905 Wanna talk about it? 499 00:22:01,905 --> 00:22:04,157 - ♪ Hey now, hey now ♪ 500 00:22:04,157 --> 00:22:05,284 - So, uh... 501 00:22:06,076 --> 00:22:08,120 I had a feeling you might need a pick-me-up tonight, 502 00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:10,998 so I've been saving this. Sophie texted me. 503 00:22:10,998 --> 00:22:13,917 Jesse does parody songs at a dive bar in Jersey. 504 00:22:14,376 --> 00:22:17,462 - No... - Yeah. Look, she sent me a video. 505 00:22:17,462 --> 00:22:19,464 - No... [laughs] 506 00:22:20,507 --> 00:22:24,094 - ♪ We know they won't win ♪ 507 00:22:24,094 --> 00:22:27,848 - I have it on good intel he wears Dave Matthews Band cologne. 508 00:22:27,848 --> 00:22:29,516 - I do not, Bob! 509 00:22:30,267 --> 00:22:34,188 And even if I did, David by Dave is a very sophisticated scent. 510 00:22:34,188 --> 00:22:36,148 [laughs] 511 00:22:36,148 --> 00:22:38,150 - This is my favorite birthday ever! 512 00:22:38,734 --> 00:22:40,402 - Okay. I think, maybe, 513 00:22:40,402 --> 00:22:42,154 we've reached a natural stopping point. 514 00:22:42,154 --> 00:22:44,323 Does everyone feel like we've evened the score? 515 00:22:44,323 --> 00:22:46,658 We could... start fresh? 516 00:22:48,660 --> 00:22:50,287 - Yeah, what the hell. 517 00:22:50,287 --> 00:22:53,040 Jesse, you can join my birthday party, 518 00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:54,333 if you want to. 519 00:22:54,333 --> 00:22:56,710 - Thank you. How about a round on me? 520 00:22:56,710 --> 00:22:58,212 - Oh, I'd love a white wine. 521 00:22:58,212 --> 00:22:59,505 - You're not invited, cheater. 522 00:23:01,006 --> 00:23:02,508 - Okay... 523 00:23:03,967 --> 00:23:05,219 Well, I'm gonna head out. 524 00:23:05,219 --> 00:23:07,179 - Uh, hey. Hey. Thank you. 525 00:23:07,930 --> 00:23:08,931 - Anytime. 526 00:23:08,931 --> 00:23:11,934 ♪ Don't Dream It's Over continues ♪ 527 00:23:13,769 --> 00:23:15,812 - ♪ Hey now, hey now ♪ 528 00:23:15,812 --> 00:23:16,855 - Hi. 529 00:23:16,855 --> 00:23:18,398 - Hi-- Hi! 530 00:23:18,398 --> 00:23:20,359 - Sorry for roasting you. 531 00:23:20,359 --> 00:23:22,986 I-I'm brand new here, and I just wanted them to like me. 532 00:23:22,986 --> 00:23:24,196 - No problem. 533 00:23:24,196 --> 00:23:25,864 PARKER: You're right about Melanie... 534 00:23:25,864 --> 00:23:28,867 [dialogue fades out] [music grows louder] 535 00:23:28,867 --> 00:23:32,162 - ♪ To build a wall between us ♪ 536 00:23:32,162 --> 00:23:34,957 ♪ We know they won't win ♪ 537 00:23:37,918 --> 00:23:39,169 ♪ 538 00:23:39,169 --> 00:23:42,130 ♪ Now, I'm towing my car ♪ 539 00:23:42,130 --> 00:23:44,383 ♪ There's a hole in the roof ♪ 540 00:23:44,383 --> 00:23:46,760 ♪ My positions are causing me suspicion ♪ 541 00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:49,263 ♪ But there's no proof ♪ 542 00:23:51,306 --> 00:23:54,268 ♪ In the paper today ♪ 543 00:23:54,268 --> 00:23:56,728 ♪ Tales of war and of waste ♪ 544 00:23:56,728 --> 00:23:59,815 ♪ But you turn right over to the TV ♪ 545 00:23:59,815 --> 00:24:02,818 ♪ Page... ♪ 546 00:24:02,818 --> 00:24:05,195 ♪ Hey now, hey now ♪ 547 00:24:05,195 --> 00:24:07,948 ♪ Don't dream it's over... ♪