♪ upbeat theme playing ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪
- [gasps] Sid! Hit me with a cold one, stat.
TGIF, am I right, people? Hoo!
- You've been working your new job, what, five days?
- In a row, Sid. In a row.
[Jesse sighs]
- Oh, hey, that's Bob.
He teaches third grade at my school.
And that's Melanie. She teaches fifth.
What are the odds? - Oh.
- Parker, the new gym teacher? And Drew?
What's going on?
- I'm sure there's a totally logical reason
why all your coworkers are hanging out without you.
- Ooh, maybe they're throwing you
a surprise party! Is it your birthday?
- No!
Or is it? Wait. Should I know your birthday?
Do you know mine? - Today is not my birthday, okay?
And yours is-- - Okay! We all know each other's birthday!
[nervous laugh]
Let's not lose sight of the bigger issue.
What are all those teachers up to?
- I'm gonna go find out.
Hey, hey! Everyone I work with.
Uh, how's it going?
- Pretty bad now.
- What?
- J. Crew. What's up, buddy?
- Hey, man, why is the entire faculty getting drinks without me?
- We're having an affair.
- All of you? - Yup.
We're just a bunch of grade school teachers
who like... doing orgies and stuff.
Fine. We're here celebrating Melanie's 35th.
- What? What's going on? Do they not like me?
- No, no. It's not that they don't like you.
It's that they actively hate you.
- Wh-Why?
- I'm sorry, dude. I can't tell you. They'd turn on me.
I should probably get back.
Now, beat it, Jesse!
Find some other bar to suck in!
Sorry.
- Everyone I work with hates me.
- Yeah, we kinda figured that.
- I don't get it. I'm a great colleague.
I refill the Keurig every goddamn morning!
- Yeah, you do, you co-working prince!
- You know what? Who cares about them and their stupid birthday party?
I've already got plans tonight anyway. Big plans!
- Yeah! And don't let anyone take those big plans
that sound totally real away from you, Jesse.
- So, I was thinking we could go to the movies tonight
and sneak in our own food.
Let's challenge ourselves.
Full rotisserie chicken. Do we dare?
- Sounds amazing, but tonight's no good.
I actually, uh, have a... thing.
- Oh, really? Want me to come? I love a thing.
- [laughs] Nah, it's just a dumb work thing.
You'd hate it, so, uh, I'll call you later?
- Okay. Yeah.
That was weird, right?
She's been acting weird.
Having "things" to do?
Plus, she keeps answering the phone, "Yes, this is she,"
which is shady as hell!
Do you think she's cheating on me?
- I mean, yeah, kinda. - What?!
- You asked! I just said yes! - You're supposed to say no!
- No. - Too late!
- Oh...
- I think it's pretty clear what this situation calls for.
A stakeout.
- Sid, don't trivialize Ellen's relationship issues
with some immature idea about--
- I'm in. - Yay! I wanna come, too.
Are there gonna be snacks? Also, I don't care,
but did you guys know that they sell Red Vines in big tubs?
♪
[knocking]
- Hi!
Why are you here in a suit?
- Because we have a reservation tonight at Casa di Landon.
- What?
- The restaurant from the 12-year-old prodigy
who won this year's season of Big Kid Chef.
- One of these filets is for babies.
♪ intense music playing ♪
And the other one...
is for big kids.
Chef Landon.
You are...
♪ music swells ♪
the Big Kid Chef!
♪ Big Kid Chef, you're not a baby ♪
- Yes!
♪ You're a big kid chef ♪
- Oh, my God! We made that reservation,
like, a million years ago...
when we were together.
We should cancel. I don't think
us going to a fancy dinner together alone is a good idea.
- Why not?
- We have finally found our footing as friends.
I don't wanna mess that up with a one-on-one date
that will inevitably lead to S-E-X.
- Why are you spelling it? The Big Kid Chef isn't around yet.
Plus, the two of us have hung out loads of times,
one-on-one, without things getting sexy.
♪ percussive sting ♪
Okay, we haven't, but so what?
- Yeah, maybe you're right.
Anyway, it's a restaurant run by a 12-year-old boy.
How romantic could it be?
♪
- We're screwed.
- Where is she?
- Ah!
- Seriously? You have, like, 900 of those. - I know,
and I don't know how long the stakeout's going to last.
- Ooh! Not very long. She's headed to the subway.
Hurry! SOPHIE: What?
SID: Oh! ELLEN: Too close!
- Oh! No! No!
Ah! [blowing]
- Sophie, there's no time.
- Ah!
- We jumped on a train, and we followed Rachel to...
Dun-dun-dun!
New Jersey.
How are my "dun-dun-duns"?
Pretty dramatic, huh?
[street noise] [distant siren]
- What the hell is she doing in an apartment building in New Jersey?
Wait.
Is that Jesse?
- What is he doing in New Jersey?
Ha! My gut says black market shampoo.
- Maybe he's getting his teeth stretched.
- What does that even mean? [Sid scoffs]
- Wouldn't you like to know, short teeth.
- Doesn't matter.
Okay, we're here for Ellen.
Unless... Ellen wants one of us to follow him to see what he's up to.
- Follow that man. - Oh, thank God.
Okay, you guys, I will get down to the bottom of this.
Nothing's gonna stop me.
[car honking] [Sid and Sophie scream]
[gasping] Starting now!
♪
- Who do you think she's waiting for?
- No idea, but I know a guy, if it comes down to it.
- Comes down to what?
- Couples counseling.
[Ellen groans]
- What the-- Who the hell is that?!
- Look at this broad. [sarcastic laugh] Real piece of work.
Arms. Legs. Head.
- Are you just naming body parts?
- Oh, my God...
They're going into that woman's apartment!
- Oh... - I can't believe this is happening.
Maybe they're just college friends.
- Meeting up to go have sex?
- Yeah! No...
- Okay... This place is very romantic.
Can we handle it? - I can.
In this soft, flickering candlelight, you look...
♪ soft music playing ♪
pretty ugly.
- Well, same with you!
That perfect haircut makes your cheekbones look...
♪ soft music continues ♪
dumb!
- Fabulous. Then we are on the same page.
- Evening. Compliments of Chef Landon.
LANDON: You call this a soufflé?! How do you look at yourself in the mirror?
Ugh!
- Sorry, one long noodle?
- It's our signature stretched bucatini.
Lady and the Tramp was a huge culinary inspiration for Landon.
- Cool. Uh...
Can we get a-a knife to cut it?
- Landon prefers you slurp the noodle
as it was originally consumed by the animals in the film.
- Right...
It's just we can't. You see, we're, um,
trying not to be intimate.
- Oh. I'm so sorry.
I just assumed you were a couple.
- Oh, w-we were, but [laughs] we're not anymore.
Long story short, he doesn't wanna have kids, I do, so...
- My wife and I don't want kids.
And we have three.
[wheezing laugh]
[waiter sighs]
- Okay... [clears throat]
Mm, that's good. - Yeah, that's good.
VALENTINA: Mm.
- We have to get out of here. - Immediately.
♪
[indistinct chatter]
♪ soft music playing ♪
- Alright!
First up for tonight's open mic,
we have... Jesse.
[applause]
- [on speaker] Hello, New Jersey! [laughs]
Uh, this is a little song I like to call Left Out.
- [groans] You're gonna want a double for this guy.
- Oh, no. [keyboard playing]
- Hey, where are my Sugar Ray heads at, huh?
Eh... Okay...
♪ playing Every Morning by Sugar Ray melody ♪
♪ Every morning, my colleagues hang out without me ♪
♪ At the teachers' lounge at my school ♪
I'm a teacher.
♪ I say I don't care but the truth is it really bugs me ♪
♪ Why do they have to be so cruel? ♪
Seriously, why?
[continues singing] - Oh, my God. This is so embarrassing.
I can't watch. Tell me what's happening.
- A guy is sucking.
[continues playing] [Jesse clears throat]
- ♪ When I say, "How's it hanging?" ♪
♪ They just stare and leave me hanging ♪
♪ While they eat donuts ♪
♪
- Maybe you could look first?
'Cause what if they're, like, right there?
- I think we'd hear them.
- Not the way Rachel does it.
- What do you think that is? Some kind of sex NDA?
- Makes sense. Rachel is very private about how quiet she is.
This isn't a sex NDA. It's a lease application!
Rachel's not having an affair.
She's looking for an apartment!
And I followed her here, across state lines.
That's a federal crime.
- No, it's not.
- Yeah, okay, but it's definitely not hot.
REALTOR: And that's the primary bedroom.
- Oh, my God. Here they come! We gotta hide! The refrigerator?
I'll suffocate to death, but at least she won't find me for a while.
But then when she does, I'll be fresh. - Okay, just get down.
Now, this is starting to feel like a federal crime.
- Again, terribly sorry.
Your, uh, restaurant was just... too romantic for us.
- I'm not your waiter anymore.
[soft crying] - Do you hear something?
[crying continues]
♪ soft music playing ♪
- It's coming from that cart.
- It's him. It's the cooking boy.
- Oh. Okay.
That's cool. Should we call an Uber then?
- Charlie. You can't just leave a child crying under a tablecloth.
- Why not? It definitely feels like a job for his parents.
Or, at the very least, his pastry chef.
- What's going on, Landon?
- I can't talk to you about it.
- Well, we did try our best.
See you later, little man.
- I can't talk to her about it.
I can talk to you.
- Oh...
- Good luck, buddy. Tough crowd. [nervous laugh]
Oh, my God. Sophie, what are you doing here?
Did you see me do my thing?
- Yeah. I saw it. I heard it.
How do I forget it?
- Look, it's this new outlet I found
to work through negative emotions, okay?
I mean, before, when I was feeling down,
I'd go to the park at night and just scream.
- God, men really will do anything to avoid therapy.
- We sure will. Anyway, now,
when I need to blow off steam, I-I write a parody song,
and I-I come down to St. Freddie's pub,
and I belt out a song that-- - Wait!
- This is called St. Freddie's? - Yeah. Why?
- Melanie was wearing a jacket from this bar.
- That's Bob. He teaches third grade at my school.
And that's Melanie. She teaches fifth.
SOPHIE: I remember because I was like, "cute jacket."
Then she turned around,
and there was this really ripped leprechaun on it.
And I was like, "Is it weird that I'm attracted to that leprechaun?"
And then, I could not stop thinking about
how long it had been since I had a bowl of Lucky Charms--
- Sophie? What's your point?
- Oh, my point is,
is that Melanie must have seen you do a song here,
venting about all the teachers.
She went and told them. Now, they all hate you.
- Eh, I don't know. My lyrics are pretty cryptic.
This is a song about some people with a lot of nerve.
[playing Mambo No. 5 melody] ♪ A little bit of Regina chewing loud ♪
♪ A little bit of Bob looking like Ann Dowd ♪
♪ A little bit of Melanie's sloppy sneeze ♪
♪ A little bit of Frank's dumb graphic tees, ah! ♪
Yeah, that's why they hate me.
I can't believe I filled that Keurig once.
- Oh, my God, you said every morning.
- You haven't seen the size of that thing.
- Okay, listen.
I think I have an idea on how to get you back in their good graces.
- Yes. I write a parody apology song. Ooh!
I can do Me So Horny into Me So Sorry.
- Absolutely not.
♪
- Right. [sighs]
♪ soft music playing ♪
What is it?
- I invited my crush Zoe to eat here tonight.
Like a date. She said she'd come,
but she stood me up and went to Raphael's party instead.
Which makes sense 'cause his aunt is Sigourney Weaver.
- Well, uh...
This may surprise you,
but there was a time when girls stood me up, too.
- That doesn't surprise me at all.
- Anyway...
Before I was the...
undeniable hottie that you see before you,
I was,
rather sadly, a nottie.
Got pantsed quite a lot, actually.
Something about my slender hips, I think.
You see,
guys like us,
we just need to bide our time a little bit.
I mean, you might lose out to the Raphaels of the world
for the next few years, but,
one day, you will wake up
and find that girls simply cannot resist
the brilliant chef...
with the golden hat.
Okay?
Come on.
Go off and enjoy your childhood.
Get back to working this highly demanding late-night job
that I can only assume is wildly illegal for you to have.
- It's not illegal. I was emancipated when I was 9.
♪
- So, why on earth would you leave
your awesome rent-controlled apartment in the city?
Wait. Forget I asked you that.
Dad's right. I'm a terrible realtor.
- To be honest, I need space from my girlfriend.
- What? What does she need space from?
- I have no clue.
- Well, if you need space, this kitchen is to die for.
I mean, do a lap around this island. It's huge.
All stainless steel appliances.
Oh, this is a PowerPlus burner, five-top...
- Okay. She's distracted by the cabinets.
Stay low, and move toward the front door.
[realtor continues]
RACHEL: Ellen?
- Rachel?
This is so random!
[Ellen laughs nervously]
♪
- What are you doing here?
- We followed you.
- You what?
- Yep! Getting my phone call now. I'm gonna take it...
- Me, too! I'm getting a fake phone call, too.
[Rachel scoffs] [door shuts]
- Wow. I can't believe you followed me here.
- I'm sorry. You've been acting super weird lately.
Now, I realize it's because you wanted to get away from me.
- No! It's not that I want to get away from you.
I just need space. Living next to your girlfriend
can be... a lot.
- Of... fun?
- Just a lot.
- Ha-ha! - Ah! Don't kill me!
- What's cookin', good-lookin'?
Is someone in need of a special Ellen massage?!
♪
- I think a little buffer could be good for us.
I was gonna tell you as soon as I found a place.
- Rachel, you can get this buffer apartment,
and I can try to rein it in a bit.
But, you said that dating me was a lot,
and I need you to know
that I-I'm always gonna be me.
I'm gonna bake you scones on a whim
and send you kick-ass Spotify playlists
and draw you a bath on sketch paper,
and then laugh and laugh about the play on words.
That's part of the Ellen package.
So, y-you need to decide.
Do you take me as I am,
or not take me at all?
- I'm gonna get myself one of those bald cats
for my birthday.
- Are you sure?
I feel like it'd be much cheaper to just shave a stray.
[Jesse laughs nervously]
- Oh, no. He's back.
- Hi, guys. I'm Sophie.
I'm sure you don't remember me--
- We remember you.
You're the girl that cheated on Drew with Jesse,
then didn't stay with Jesse, so it wasn't even good cheating.
- Um... Uh, Melanie?
We suspect that you heard one of Jesse's songs.
- It's true. I did.
It was disgusting.
I guess if I got drunk enough,
I could sing Shallow.
- ♪ A little bit of Bob looking like Ann Dowd ♪
♪ A little bit of Melanie's sloppy sneeze ♪
♪ A little bit of... ♪
- Of course, I told everyone what I heard that night.
You traumatized me.
I've been so afraid of sneezing,
I'm getting a hairless cat. A real weird one.
- I don't look like Ann Dowd.
I don't even know who Ann Dowd is.
- Oh, uh, Leftovers. Handmaid's Tale?
- Oh, I love her.
Oh... JESSE: Look.
I'm sorry, alright? I was pissed off
'cause someone stole my Dannon Oikos Greek yogurt from the office fridge.
- That was me. I ate that yogurt,
and my only regret is that it was apricot.
Who buys apricot yogurt?
- Hey, hate it or eat it, Bob.
You can't have it both ways. - Okay, everyone,
calm down, alright?
The only way to even the playing field
is you guys gotta roast Jesse back.
- That was your big plan?
Sophie, these are professional educators. They're not gonna bully me.
- I'll do it! Have you guys ever noticed
that when Jesse takes a sip from the water fountain,
he puts his whole mouth around the spout?
- Ha, ha, ha. Okay, good one, Melanie.
I'm just trying to save water. The planet is dying, so...
Yeah, Drew. Yeah.
- [laughs] Jesse set up his work printer wrong,
so I've got a copy of his Survivor application.
He says he knows how to, quote,
"Use all the parts of the coconut."
- How is being resourceful about God's most versatile tree nut embarrassing?
- By the way, you'd be terrible at Survivor.
Your social game is garbage.
- And parody songs are the lowest form of art,
you tool!
♪
[both laughing] - Well, we did it.
We went out to dinner and did not fall into bed together,
so... go us.
- I mean, we slurped half a noodle, and then bailed
but, sure. Go us. [laughs]
Hey, Charlie. Um...
The whole not wanting kids thing...
Are you sure?
Because I-I know. I know you had a tricky upbringing.
But you were great tonight.
- That one moment, I was great.
When you have kids, it's nothing but moments.
It's moment after moment where you have to do exactly the right thing
or risk permanently screwing someone up forever.
Why are you so sure you do want kids?
- The moments.
All of the ones you're afraid to mess up and all of the ones in between.
I wanna do my best to make those moments right.
Nothing sounds more incredible to me.
- That's beautiful.
- So beautiful it changed your mind about kids?
[car approaching]
♪ Don't Dream It's Over by Liv Dawson playing ♪
Good night, Charlie.
- Good night, Val. You are...
truly terrible company.
- [smirks] Right back at you.
You're boring. And you look like trash.
- ♪ There is freedom within ♪
♪ There is freedom without ♪
♪ Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup ♪
[car door shuts]
[distant siren]
♪ And there's a battle ahead ♪
- You okay?
- Not really.
We broke up. - Oh...
Wanna talk about it?
- ♪ Hey now, hey now ♪
- So, uh...
I had a feeling you might need a pick-me-up tonight,
so I've been saving this. Sophie texted me.
Jesse does parody songs at a dive bar in Jersey.
- No... - Yeah. Look, she sent me a video.
- No... [laughs]
- ♪ We know they won't win ♪
- I have it on good intel he wears Dave Matthews Band cologne.
- I do not, Bob!
And even if I did, David by Dave is a very sophisticated scent.
[laughs]
- This is my favorite birthday ever!
- Okay. I think, maybe,
we've reached a natural stopping point.
Does everyone feel like we've evened the score?
We could... start fresh?
- Yeah, what the hell.
Jesse, you can join my birthday party,
if you want to.
- Thank you. How about a round on me?
- Oh, I'd love a white wine.
- You're not invited, cheater.
- Okay...
Well, I'm gonna head out.
- Uh, hey. Hey. Thank you.
- Anytime.
♪ Don't Dream It's Over continues ♪
- ♪ Hey now, hey now ♪
- Hi.
- Hi-- Hi!
- Sorry for roasting you.
I-I'm brand new here, and I just wanted them to like me.
- No problem.
PARKER: You're right about Melanie...
[dialogue fades out] [music grows louder]
- ♪ To build a wall between us ♪
♪ We know they won't win ♪
♪
♪ Now, I'm towing my car ♪
♪ There's a hole in the roof ♪
♪ My positions are causing me suspicion ♪
♪ But there's no proof ♪
♪ In the paper today ♪
♪ Tales of war and of waste ♪
♪ But you turn right over to the TV ♪
♪ Page... ♪
♪ Hey now, hey now ♪
♪ Don't dream it's over... ♪