Okay, this is quarantine, day 83. Wow.
We in this bitch.
Positivity. What's new?
Um... My lash kit came in. He-he.
Not sure, uh, why I got it. I have no one to wear it for.
I haven't left my apartment.
Um, you gotta, like, take these little lashes out.
Can you even see that?
You know what they call the little rubber bits
that go on the little tweezers?
Wandoms.
Swipin' an awful lot, let's say,
on the various dating apps.
I have been talking to Reed an awful lot.
I feel like I like him more every time we talk, kind of.
I love someone who I can... give shit to,
and they can give shit back to me.
Like, if I give you shit and you're like,
"Aw, come on." It's like, grow up.
Do you know what I mean? I really miss Sara.
I like-- This is the longest we've been apart
form each other, like, since college.
What about the holidays? Fuck.
That's, like, such a big deal
for Sara and I, like, Halloween.
I was gonna be Lil' Kim at the '99 VMAs this year.
What if I don't get to take my titty out?
At a party? That's a shame.
I gotta get off-- Who am I even making this for?
Um, signing off.
See you later, future me, I guess.
♪ Know when they pop two shots ♪
♪ Better watch how the cop gon' stop like whoa ♪
♪ Flow on the spot, beat drop, and the heat knock ♪
♪ We not free no, no, yeah, please don't call the police ♪
♪ On my bro when he living on the street, please-- ♪
♪ Scars are gone but bruises remain ♪
♪ I can forgive your past and clean your stains ♪
-♪ Redeem! ♪ -♪ Can you finally-- ♪
♪ I'm wearing the same clothes as yesterday ♪
♪ And the day before, and the day before ♪
♪ I'm wearing the same clothes as yesterday ♪
♪ And the day before, and the day befo-- ♪
Hello...
Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.
Hi!
Oh, my God! Hey!
Uh, wait, uh, best friend says what?
What!
Dab.
How are you? Oh, my God. I haven't seen your face
-in so long. -I'm good.
I miss you, how are you?
I miss you so much. You look so good. You look so pretty.
You're so sweet. Stop it. Okay.
Full disclosure, I did think you were going to be Reed
'cause he was supposed to be FaceTiming me.
Oh, so sorry to disappoint you.
I think I'll get over it. I'll get over it.
How's-- What's new? What's going on?
Um... Nothing much. I mean, it's hot.
Yeah--
And it's my parents' house.
And I'm totally reverting
to who I was when I was 17.
It's horrible.
Were you cool when you were 17?
No. I... was depressed and I listened to,
like, I dunno, like, punk.
And I didn't even listen to punk 'cause I liked it,
I listened to it because I thought
that's what someone hot would do.
- To me, that's cool. - Thank you--
I listened to punk in high school because I, like,
liked it.
And thi-- I think that makes me hot,
so I, like, really appreciate that.
It is hot and I'm jealous that
that was your experience with punk.
Anyway, okay.
So-- so, what else is going on?
How's New York?
Um, it's bleak.
Weather-wise?
No, weather's great-- Oh.
-- although the AC still isn't fixed.
I just meant, like, COVID-wise.
Like, nobody's here.
And all the brownstones on our block,
like, all the rich people that live here are,
like, totally gone to their,
-Really? -like, summer homes, I guess?
Like me.
Wait, are you staying there for the summer?
Um, I think I might come back, like,
in the next few weeks.
I don't really know... Is that okay?
Yeah. That sounds amazing.
Okay, cool. Okay, good.
We should do something when you get back.
Yeah, okay, so, I want to have a little dinner
where we do a celebration about our friendship.
Like a welcome ba-- but it's also about me a little bit.
That tracks--
It's like, "Welcome back, Sara. Also, we're friends."
Okay, wait. Can I tell you a secret, speaking of?
Okay, please.
Um, okay,
- so, I was talking to Reed-- - Yeah.
-- and we were talking
about potentially hanging out in person.
Like going on a date.
Really?
Yeah.
Like, during the pan-- But--
Okay, but what about, like, social distance stuff?
We'll, like-- We'll do it as safely as possible.
Obviously, like, we'll go sit at a park
or, like, I dunno, go for a-- go for a walk.
-There's things to do. -Really? I don't know.
I feel like everything I've heard, it's like,
"Stay indoors and, like, don't see
people you don't know."
Yeah, but I kind of know him.
We've been talking for, like,
the better part of four months.
Yeah. I guess. You, like, know each other, like, online.
Yeah.
I don't know. Like, wear a mask, I guess. I--
I dunno. If you do, though, like, don't tell anyone.
That's kind of, like, not okay.
Yeah. Yeah, things are pretty open down there, huh?
- Yeah. It's pretty crazy. - You--
Like, I went to the beach the other day
and, like, maybe two people were in a mask?
Yeah, I saw-- I think it was a couple weeks ago
you posted, um, on your Instagram, like, a video
and a couple pictures of you and your hometown friends,
um, at that bar?
Yeah. Yeah, but--
Okay, that was, like, three people and it was, like,
all these people that I've known since I was,
like, a kid, basically.
So, it wasn't, like, strangers.
No, no, no. I'm just bringing--
I just was jealous. It looked really fun.
Oh. Ha! No, it was so fun.
I mean, I was almost blackout at that point,
so I literally don't remember, but it was really fun.
Um, have you been reading about the protests?
Yeah, I mean, not-- not, like, reading, but I've seen,
like, clips and stuff and it looks so scary.
It's-- I dunno. I went to one a few weeks back and--
Oh, really? Oh, my God.
Yeah, yeah.
It's kind of crazy, right? It was a little--
The vibe wasn't crazy.
Like, no one's doing anything violent, you know what I--
-Like, the ones who are-- -I mean...
-What? -I don't know.
I'm obviously not there
so I don't, like, have all the information.
I don't know. I feel like the part of it
that's protesting is really cool.
- Yeah. - And then part of it that's
destroying stuff...
Like, do you have to destroy Target
to make a point?
Because I feel like there's
peaceful protesting,
and then there's, like, rioting.
And like, MLK was--
di-- He did, like, peaceful protesting.
And he got shot in the face anyway. So...
I mean, I know that.
Yeah, I-- Yeah.
It's complicated. It's like, when people are like,
"The cops are being violent."
I'm like, well, probably not every cop
is being violent.
I mean, not every protester is being violent either.
Ooh. My hair. Look at this.
It looks good.
- Thank you. - Look at my hair.
- It looks really good. - Frizzy.
-It looks like-- -It's frizzy from the air.
It must be humid down there right now.
Yeah, it's so hot.
Um. Yeah. I don't know. I guess I just, um...
-Protesting gets stuff done-- -I--
-- and sometimes you gotta be a little violent
to get stuff done, that's all.
That's just what I think.
Totally.
Yeah.
Um, but this dinner when you get back. Hello?
I'll bring wine from Florida.
Florida wine, what's that like?
You'll hate it.
What's that like? Is there, like--
So sweet.
It's, like, really sweet and kind of, like, gross?
Well, I'm just thinking of the one my mom has.
My mom's wine sucks.
You want to bring me bottles of your mom's shitty wine?
Well, I just want to bring bottles of her wine
so that she is confused as to where they went.
- Sure. - Because I'm annoyed at her
-right now. -Wait. Okay, so just to be
clear: you want to feed me your mom's shitty wine,
um, to inconvenience your mom?
Yeah. It's a perfect situation where no one wins.
Yeah, I-- Actually, I really love that.
I actually-- I love being used as a pawn,
um, in that particular way.
So, I want to say thank you in advance.
-And I can't wait to try this-- -Of course--
-- this, uh, swamp swill is what I'm gonna call it.
Is that offensive?
No, I-- I don't really know.
I don't really know what's offensive.
I feel like every day I learn about something,
like, that's offensive that I didn't know is offensive.
Yeah. I feel like sometimes you say something
that's offensive and I'm like,
"I can't believe Sara said that."
Wait, really?
Yeah, but, like, not in like a--
You have to tell me. So embarrassing.
I tell you all the time. I tell you all the time.
-Yeah. -No way, dude.
I feel like at least once or twice a month
you say something that I'm--
Oh, shit. Ooh! This is Reed. I gotta go.
Oh, okay, okay, love you, love you.
-Bye, love you. -Talk later. Bye.
Hey!
- Yo! - How's it goin?
Chillin', chillin'. What about you?
I'm doing a lot of the same.
Uh... What's new?
You know, I gotta ask. Every time we chat,
you know I gotta ask.
How's, uh, Mariska and how's, uh, Elliot?
- I don't know these names-- - Dude. Dude.
Okay. So, first of all, I'm on a season that Elliot
is no longer on, so, like, take it--
Take that down, write that down. Um...
Okay. Let me find a pen.
But Mariska's good. She's good.
She's kicking ass, she's taking names.
Do you know who the character-- the person she's based on
is the woman who prosecuted, uh, the Central Park Five?
Did you know I didn't know
she was based on anybody at all?
I think they were more just like,
"Oh, yeah, she's like a, you know,
strong girlboss feminist. La la la--"
Which she is in the show, in many ways.
Um, except in the earlier seasons where she's pretty
transphobic, if we're being honest.
But that's not her fault. She's a fictional character.
It is the writers' fault. And that's why they need to
diversify writers' rooms, bro.
Okay. And there you go. You popped off once again.
I feel like every time you make fun of me popping off,
Um, I dunno, an angel gets its wings. I don't know.
I don't know where I was going with that. Anyway,
-Sure. -how's frickin'--
-What are you watching again? Let me tell you.
I was just, uh, FaceTiming with my buddy, Brandon.
Um, and he was saying how Saving Silverman
isn't that funny of a movie.
And then we got in this huge discussion about how he
thinks Steve Zahn is not a good actor/comedic actor.
What?
It's frickin' Steve Zahn.
He was in Reality Bites. You've Got Mail.
And of course, Saving Silverman.
-And that has the guy-- -I--
who fucked the pie in it.
Okay. I actually do know about that scene
in that particular movie. But I do want to remind you
that, um, as much as I love talking to you about films,
I've seen exactly one film in my entire life.
And I don't even know if you can call it a film.
It's more of a movie, really.
Um, and it is the Kenan Thompson vehicle,
uh, 1996's Heavyweights, uh, about the weight loss scam.
Anytime I bring up any movie, you either go,
"This is a-- Reminds me of an episode of SVU,"
or you say, "You know, this guy actually reminds me
a little bit of Kenan Thompson in Heavyweights."
I don't know what to tell you. I've seen one movie.
You-- I can talk about TV until the cows come home,
especially in a pandemic.
I've been watching-- You know, there's-- It's kind of all
I do, is, like, cook food and watch television shows
that I've already seen.
Do you know that they say that people who watch
the same show, like-- like, episodes they already seen,
they're doing it because it, like,
provides a sense of, like, comfort?
Okay. Because I've been rewatching Survivor,
and I'm just, like, over and over watching--
And you know what's fucked up?
Is I know who wins every season.
And I still watch it and I'm always like,
"I'm rooting for other people that are--
that I know are not gonna win."
I'm always rooting for, uh, the Black person.
And then once the Black person gets eliminated,
like, the next Blackest person.
You know, like, if there's someone
who even looks like they could have
like, someone Black in their past, like--
So, if you got eliminated, you'd be rooting for me next?
Yes.
Yes. Yes.
- Yes. - On the scale,
I'm over here. You're over here.
Um... Wait, are you Black?
- No. No-- - Oh, okay. Okay--
-I just didn't know-- -I'm just saying I'm not
white. Just saying I'm not white. I'm just not white.
Okay. That is-- That is clear. I will say that is clear
and I appreciate that a lot about you.
Um... Oh, my God.
Can I tell you something crazy I did this morning?
Tell me the craziest thing you did ever this morning.
Dude. Are you ready for this?
-Go off. -I was walking down the street.
I was coming back from the grocery store.
And someone had put, like, a box of records
outside their house.
And I was like, "Oh, my God, should I do this?
Like, should I do this?
Like, is this okay to do in a pandemic?"
And... I did it. And I found one.
And it is not a first pressing,
so don't get excited, but it is Wowee Zowee by Pavement.
-What? Can you believe-- -Whoa! Holy flip flops.
Did you say, "Holy flip flops"?
I did. I'm having fun with it.
Why do I keep talking to you? Oh, my God.
It's endearing. It's fucked up. It's endearing.
Yeah. That's part of your charm. And the hair.
Which way are we parting it?
Which way are we parting it today?
Today it's this way.
We got a little bit of volume.
But you know what?
Uh, how about, uh, you see
in person how, uh-- how I part it?
Oh, shit. Are we, like, gonna do it?
Feel like we've been talking about it for a long time.
I mean, you're safer than anybody I know at this point.
That's a really nice thing to say.
That's a really, really nice thing to say.
You know I'm a nice guy.
Wait. So, okay, are we gonna--
What are we gonna do? Are we gonna do this? Like--
Yeah, uh, let's think. Well, we could...
We can get sushi, take it to the park.
Sit six feet apart?
Yeah. You know what? We'll sit eight feet apart.
We'll be extra safe.
Whoa. Okay. I actually really like a guy who,
like, takes my safety into extra consideration.
-Like, that's great. -You know what? Safety's sexy.
That's the number one catch phrase in America right now.
It actually is really hot. Oh, wait, can I show you?
I've been ordering, like, a bunch of stupid shit
off the Internet. And I got the coolest new dress.
-Can I show you? -Please show me.
Oh, my God. One second. I'll be right back.
Cool.
Okay. I have to hold it up, so get--
-Are you ready? -I'm excited beyond belief.
- Whoa! - Isn't that so cool?
I'm going to get boned out just looking at that.
-That's so cool. -I mean, the honkers are
a little-- The honkers are a little bigger than mine,
but a girl can dream, you know?
Hey, you know what?
If you don't have dreams, what are you doing?
I agree. I agree. Especially at a time like this.
Here's an idea. You wear that on the date.
Oh, my God. People are gonna think I'm a slut.
Fuck 'em.
Okay, that was a test and you passed.
Be a slut, do whatever you want. That's my motto.
Um, I have to do, like, a happy hour with my cousin.
For sure.
Um, but let's chat tomorrow?
I'm down. Cool.
Word. All right. Uh, talk to you soon, Reed. Byeee!
See you, Naomi.
Hello, cuz...
Hi, darling. Ah, you look excellent!
I got all zhuzhed up for you.
Stop it. No, that cleavage. That's--
Mm. Mwah--
Oh, this here?
Excellente. Give it to them.
Come on. Mm-hmm.
Thank you. I've been eating a lot of cheese.
Do you like this lip?
Sorry. Cheese?
Cheese makes your boobs bigger. It's milk.
Anyways. Catch me up. What's going-- What's new?
Um, I met this cute, cute woman.
Like, I'm not trying to jinx it, okay.
I'm not trying to jinx it.
But I think she could be the one...
Another of the one.
What's your problem?
No, actually, let's talk about it. What's your problem?
No, I-- that wasn't a hate.
You think every single person that you meet is the one.
But I actually-- You have such excellent taste
in partners, I see why you could feel that every single
person that you ever even mentioned
going on a date with could be the one.
And it's because you have excellent taste.
That wasn't a dig. It was more of an acknowledgment.
That was such...
a roundabout way to just chat utter shit.
Did you hear the words as they left your mouth?
Did they make sense to you as they were leaving?
I haven't seen a person in real life in, like, four months?
Except for, you know, at the grocery store
and obviously the liquor store.
Yeah. I mean, obviously, these all--
These are all Zoom dates.
So, I've been going on, like, loads of, like,
blind Zoom dates.
I was really jealous. I thought you were dating in person.
Um, but I'm glad that we're all--
We're both in the same boat.
Suffering.
Um, but I haven't been on
a date yet, per se.
But I have been talking to somebody new.
We met on a dating app, and he's really handsome.
He has really good taste in music, which I feel
like is pretty rare, because mine is specific.
But also he's just, I don't know.
He's really kind and funny and we've been talking--
Like, ever since I met him we've been talking,
like, pretty much every day.
-Oh, my God. What's his name? -Yeah.
His name is Reed.
Hmph. Okay. Is he white?
Why can't you just settle down with a nice
-Sadie. Sadie. -Black guy? You know?
I went to school in Amherst, Massachusetts.
I don't know what you guys expect for me.
Every single time I talk to anyone of you, "Is he white?"
And is he most of the time? Sure. But it's also like,
I had my sexual awakening in a very white place.
I just assume that kind of anyone--
Mm, I was going to say something--
Ooh, you were gonna make fun of me.
What were you gonna say?
I assume that dudes who look like they could
be mixed are mixed.
Like, I don't give them the benefit of the doubt,
until proven otherwise.
Wow. Massachusetts really fucked you up, huh?
That's actually not fair, 'cause now that I say that
out loud, like, people assume that because I'm light-skinned,
that I have a white parent.
And it's like, "No, I'm just Cape Verdean.
Those are my rapist ancestors."
Anyway... Um, so Sara's still out of town.
She is not really taking
the same considerations that I am.
She just does things that I'm just like,
"Why are you doing these things?"
You know, like, why are you making the choices
that you're making?
Especially during a pand-- I don't-- What?
Okay, so we're doing the neck roll now?
Listen, I just-- I have aches--
You're so fucking irritating.
Shit. Give me one second. Doorbell just rang.
Oh, hey. How's it going? What's up?
Oh, you know, same old.
Just, uh-- just making my rounds.
What you, uh, delivering today?
Oh, you know, just, uh...
It looks like some groceries.
A few of these discreet ones,
you know what I'm sayin'?
Discreet ones?
Yeah, this is a bunch of dildos.
You can tell when you're delivering a dildo?
Nothing else shakes.
That's actually an excellent point.
Anyway, nice to see you. I know you busy.
You have a good rest of your day. Take care.
Oh, shoot. Hey! Hey, hi, um, hi, sorry.
Hey! Hey! How's it going?
Hey. Hey.
Um, how's the-- how's the baby?
She's growing like a weed.
Eight-three-quarters weeks.
Eight and three quarters weeks. Wow. Parenthood, huh?
How-- How are you? They never ask about the dad.
How are you doing? You gettin' any sleep?
Yeah.
This is so weird.
And I'm going to preface it by just saying
that off the bat. I apologize in advance.
But can I ask you a question?
I just need a man's perspective on something,
and I have no one.
Yeah.
So, basically I've been talking to this guy
- on a dating app-- - Uh-huh--
For, like, the duration of quarantine, right?
And he's really great. And it's been months
and this is, like, the longest time
that I've ever talked to someone who I intend
to go on a date with, without actually going
- on a date with them-- - Uh-huh.
And so we have decided that we want to meet up
in person, right? Socially distanced, of course.
Very safe, like, six feet apart,
maybe at a park somewhere outside.
Like, the whole shebang.
But I know my roommate, who is not here yet,
but who is gonna be back sometime soon,
I imagine, is going to be really,
really pissed about that.
Uh, not only from, like, a coronavirus perspective.
Like, she's worried that I'm gonna go,
get the disease, bring it back home.
We're both gonna have it, it's gonna be horrible.
We'll get the long term stuff with the bad lungs
and, like, the weird smell. But then
also from, like, a different perspective
that I don't really want to bore you with that 'cause
it's even so weird that I'm having this conversation
- with you in the first place-- - Yeah--
--and I'm so sorry again, but I guess what I'm asking is,
do you think it's fucked up if I hang out with this dude?
Uh...
How would she know?
That... That is an excellent point
that I did not consider.
And thank you so much.
And again, I'm so sorry about this.
This was so weird. I apologize for everything
and who I am as a person.
Um, have a good rest of your day.
- Uh-huh. Yeah, you too. - Take care.
Hey, wait. What's your name?
Oh, right. Buh, duh.
Um, I'm Naomi. Nice to meet you.
Sorry. Sorry, sorry. Sorry, sorry.
Don't be like that, Sadie.
It's not like I did it on purpose.
Yeah, but you took your sweet time, didn't ya babe?
I was talking to my neighbor. He's like--
He's like a cool Brooklyn dad.
Okay. But I'm also cool, and I'm in the UK.
I think that trumps it, doesn't it?
Don't say Trump around me.
Oh, shit. Sorry.
Anyways. I miss, like, actual New York.
Remember the last time you came here?
Ugh!
We had so much fun!
I actually don't super remember it.
Obviously.
Do you remember the time--
Okay. Do you remember going to House of Yes
the last time you were up?
You remember the woman that stroked my back?
The white woman.
She was on her way to your hair.
She was on her way to your hair. And she said,
"You just look so beautiful."
And we said--
Uh, ma'am. I know. I'm aware. Thank you.
But I didn't even feel it.
It was you being like, "Excuse me?"
Well, there's certainly one thing I'm not going to allow.
And it's white shenanigans. Not on my watch.
Speaking of white shenanigans,
what you gonna do about Sara?
I don't know.
It feels so bad to be critical of someone who has, like,
been there for me.
I think that being alone for so long,
specifically without her,
has really given me the time to reflect and be like...
do I even miss her that much?
And, like, of course I miss her.
I love her so much. But it's never-- I don't know.
It's never anything, like, malicious or,
like, mean or bad.
Like, I don't think she's a bad person.
It's just, like, little things, you know?
Yeah, but those little things, they add up.
And, I mean, did you even hear, like,
the way you were just talking?
Like, you say one little thing about her,
and then you have to follow it up with, you know,
"I love her so much. Like, I can't wait 'til she's--"
Like, come on!
It feels like you're policing and self-checking yourself.
Like, she doesn't necessarily have to sit
in your mind as a bad person.
It's just, "Have I outgrown her?
Have I outgrown this friendship?"
Is it one-sided at the minute?
And are you okay with that?
Yeah, you're right.
I-- It's just hard.
You know? I've been friends with her for so long.
And yes, I said you were right. Okay?
Write it down. Report it. Post it to Facebook.
Mm. Ugh. Delicious.
I actually can't tell how much of that is just
you speaking confidently with a British accent, though.
So, don't-- Let's not take it all the way to the heart.
-Right? -Okay. Okay.
I'm gonna stop you there.
Sadie, how's auntie?
She's good. She's good. So, you know,
she's a key worker. So, I just-- I haven't seen her.
I haven't seen her much in, like, the last six months?
Every time I've seen her,
she obviously is bringing up Naomi.
"How's Naomi doing? What's she up to?"
-Blah, blah, blah. -I've always been
her favorite niece.
I wish you-- Like, I think
she wishes she could have you as a daughter,
but she's already got one, so...
Imagine me with a British accent. Ugh.
You'd be unbearable. Unbearable.
You're such a bitch.
Oh, my God. I have to go make dinner.
But I loved chatting with you.
-I love you. -Thank you for your advice.
Ugh. Thank you. Thank you for your advice.
I love you. I love you so much.
I love you, too. Same time next week?
Mwah. Yes. Perfect.
Love you so much. Bye.
♪ This win-win, this win-win ♪
♪ I'm leaving him tomorrow night ♪
♪ We could, we should, maybe we might ♪
♪ We cut it off, let it begin, this win-win ♪
Oh, shit.
♪ I tossed, I turned ♪
♪ Thought you were peaceful as sunrise ♪
♪ I was dying to whitewash the red out of my eyes ♪
♪ Say it is but not convinced ♪
♪ Say it is a win-win ♪
Quarantine night 83.
Of course Sara's coming back
the night of my date with Reed.
Don't we just love that?
I just want someone to touch my butt.
I don't think I'm asking for too much.
It's human nature. Also, maybe we can make it work.
Like, Sara's coming back for the evening.
We're doing the dinner at night.
So, maybe I can do something with Reed during the day.
We can go sit six feet apart at Prospect Park.
Or, I don't know, get some takeout and sit
on opposite sides of the bench and...
I dunno. Not make eye contact.
That was some wild shit she said, though. The MLK thing?
How do you have a Black best friend for this long
and still fix your face to say something
stupid like that?
Especially right now.
Like, you can go on Twitter for 10 minutes
and find threads and threads of resources and, like,
things to read to make you not sound
like such a racist idiot.
And I know she's on Twitter.
It's-- I mean, it's not my job to educate her,
but also she could take two seconds to educate herself.
And you think that she would want to.
Like, she'd want to support me.
But instead, she's, like, partying in Florida
with her friends at a bar in a literal epicenter
of coronavirus, while I'm up here,
planning her welcome back dinner.
Maybe Sadie was right. Maybe she doesn't deserve it.
Maybe I should just keep my date the way it is,
and she can just wait.
I don't know. I'm probably overthinking this.
I should just talk to her.
Anyway. I'm going to bed. Good night.
Good morning.
Oh, did I wake you, baby?
You're all right, Mama.
I woke you up. I'm sorry.
That's okay. I shouldn't be sleeping this late anyway.
-What's up? -I just miss you, I miss you.
I miss you, too. How's it goin' down there?
It's going, you know?
We doin' our little sanitizing thing,
and wash our hands, you know we're very safe.
We are collectors of all things disinfectant, so...
-We have a routine. -We're doing the same thing.
And cases are, like, going down.
So, I don't want you to worry about me either.
I'm-- I'm trying not to. I know you're smart.
I'm "smaht." Wicked "smaht."
Um, what's new? What do you guys got goin' on?
Nohtin', workin' in my garden.
My garden's lookin' hot.
-Oh, shoot! -I got this big,
giant Volkswagen bus to put in the middle of my garden,
for all the flowers to grow through and stuff.
'Cause, you know I'm a hippie at heart, right? You know--
-You got-- -I like, I love Volkswagen,
so... And it was from my friend at the flower shop.
She had it as a display and I asked her about it.
And she said, "I'mma let you have that."
So, it was-- it was meant to be.
Guess what, Mumma.
What?
So, I've been talking to a guy.
Really?
-Yeah. I met him-- -Is he white?
I'm sorry. You know I have to ask.
-No, you-- -You know? I want to know what
my grandchildren are gonna look like.
Every single time. Every single time. I--
No. He's not white. To be clear, he's not.
-Really? -I'm not sure he is.
And it feels uncouth to ask.
I'm so sorry.
Baby. You know you guys can bring home anybody.
As long as you love them and they love you,
then we'll love them.
Well, we're not there yet, but we'll see.
But it's just--
It's just been nice to, I don't know,
have someone to, like, talk to since Sa--
I mean, Sara's still gone. She's down
with her parents still. But...
You have to kind of understand that
from her perspective a little bit.
I get why she-- I mean,
I know you guys would kill to have me home right now
but I just didn't-- There's too much of a risk, you know?
Plus, I want to be here for the protests.
-Like, everything that's-- -Naomi,
I-- I have to tell you, I'm so proud
of you young people right now, I really am.
Especially you young kids of color 'cause I never thought
that you guys would have to go through some of the shit
that we went through, you know?
And it-- it was-- it was awful.
But you guys are organizing and you're smart.
And I look at you and say,
"God, there is hope for this world."
Because my mother was a radical and there was a time
when she took us uptown, we used to call it,
to sit at the Woolworth's counter to get some ice cream.
And the white waitress wouldn't wait on us.
She just kept walking back and forth.
But my mother insisted. We didn't say anything.
We were dressed in our Sunday best and we stood there.
And she finally had no choice because it was almost
the end of the day, and she waited on us.
-That was your grandmother-- -I love--
I love that Ma made you do that.
I'm about to become a Black Panther. This--
This has radicalized me all over.
I was a Black Panther once. I told you that story, right?
No!
I love the face. Yep, when--
What?
You know, historically, people don't realize
that the Black Panthers got together
for the protection of the neighborhoods.
And one of the first things they did was start
a breakfast program, because if you don't feed kids,
-they can't learn. -Mm-hmm.
And their headquarters
was on the way to my school.
So, we used to walk there, get breakfast.
And then eventually we got the berets,
the black berets, and a turtleneck.
- And they took us on guard-- - Mom!
And we trained for the revolution until my parents--
Why have you never told me this story before?
I thought I did.
We-- We did that until
your grandmother found out.
And that was the end of my Black Panther experience.
Oh, I'm sure Ma was thrilled, huh? Thrilled.
My God.
I was talking to Sara. And she said some,
like, weird... stuff about--
Like, you know, the old talking points that like,
"Oh, well, people should be protesting peacefully,"
you know? Or like,
"Oh, well, riots never, like, got anything done.
Like, you know, MLK was a peaceful protester."
-And it's like-- -And he still got killed.
That's what I-- I just don't-- I don't get it.
And it's like, you think--
I've been friends with her for so long.
We took the same classes in college.
She's had me, a Black best friend for, like,
years and it's so wild that she still hasn't, like--
-learned any of it. -Naomi. She's scared--
-She's scared. -I just don't... I don't know.
It's-- It feels strange to, like, be so close to someone
and live with someone and them have those opinions.
You know?
Just because you live with someone
doesn't mean you need to like them.
Look at me and your dad.
Oh, please. You guys are obsessed with each other.
Hey, baby. Your coffee's ready.
- Thank you, baby. - You're welcome,
-sweetheart. I love you. -Oh, Speak of the devil.
-Ugh, gross, gross, gross-- -See, your dad just--
There you are.
Hi, Papa, what's up? I can't see you.
Where's your face? There you are.
My face is right here. Here I am. Sorry.
I'm-- I'm still adjusting to all this, uh,
you know, FaceTiming and--
This technology. What's new?
You got anything new going on?
Oh, absolutely. Hang on one second.
Oh, shoot, what is that?
Don't know what he's bringing.
Might be a new grilling hat.
You know he loves his big hats.
He do love a-- Have you guys been cooking out?
-Yes, we have. -Yeah, you seen
the grillin' hat.
Got some new hot peppers.
I got some jalapenos out there, too.
-You grew those? -I did.
I got two green thumb parents. It's a beautiful thing.
-Isn't it? -It is.
You guys-- Dad, an excellent job, Papa.
I'm very proud of you.
Well, thank you, I-- You know, I-- I live for you to--
for those moments that you tell me
that you're proud of me.
You're too much.
I'll talk to you guys soon.
I'm gonna go hop in the shower.
Um, but you guys wanna, uh,
Facetime maybe later this week?
-Absolutely. -Okay.
All right. Cool.
- Naomi. - Yeah.
Do you think while you're in the shower,
you might shave your pits?
-Thank you for your wisdom-- -I love you so much.
-Always love to hear from-- -You're so pretty. You know...
I love you--
-Shave your armpits. -Bye.
Shave your armpits.
Good morning, me.
It's, uh, quarantine day... 84?
Ah, I was planning on calling my mom today.
Apparently we were right on the same page
because she called me incredibly early this morning.
You know, this is a woman who got bussed to school,
who took me to pro-choice protests for,
when I was like, little, for as long as I could remember.
She went to college and became, like, an Angela Davis,
giant Afro, Black power feminist.
I've seen the pictures.
And she still has the nerve to give me shit
about having armpit hair?
Gotta love her.
Oh, as of this morning,
when my unemployment check cleared,
I officially have 10K in savings. Can you believe?
I officially have enough to move in by myself if I want.
I can have my own place, like a real adult.
I could have an in-unit washer-dryer.
I could have a dishwasher. I could have a dishwasher.
I could have plants.
I could have plants and keep them alive.
I could be a mother. But it's like...
do I want to move in to a place by myself?
Or do I want to just not live here?
Aww...
-Hello? -Hello. What's up?
Hey! Good to see you. Are you naked?
-No. I'm wearing a towel. -Oh, good.
Um, best friend says what?
What!
-Wow, I just-- -Oh, my God, I--
-hit myself in the eye-- -Yeah, I--
Mine was so weak. I'm getting so rusty.
Yeah. What's wrong with us? Oh, my God.
Well, I haven't seen you in so long. It's-- I'm--
I'm like-- I'm basically, like, not a person anymore.
Yeah, I'm like a hull. I'm more of a hull.
Um, okay, quickest thing. Um, so--
Are you pregnant?
No. Oh, my God. You know I wish. Uh! Um--
So. Okay.
Right before you texted me last night,
um, Reed had texted me and was like,
"Hey, I'm free on Friday.
Do you want to, like, make actual plans to hang out?"
And so, I was wondering if there's any chance
that you would be okay with rescheduling
our welcome back dinner so I can go on the first date--
ah!-- with this dude in ever. Um, would that be okay?
Um...
Heh. I don't know. I feel kind of like...
I'm just surprised. I guess I was--
My reaction-- I'm realizing that
I really did want to do it.
Like, I wanted to have a good-- But it's fine.
-I'll just-- -No, no, no. Oh, my God. I--
Obviously, I want to do it.
I was, like, really looking forward to it.
I was thinking that maybe we could literally
just reschedule it to Saturday night.
Or even, if you want, like, a brunch on...
on Saturday morning? That could be fun, right?
Yeah...
Wait, so you were gonna, like, go on a date with him
and then you'd want to get, like, brunch the next day.
-Well, we'd make-- -But what about, like, COVID?
Sorry, I-- You cut out.
Just what-- I-- Just-- Sorry.
What about like-- I was just thinking about COVID.
Like, so you're going to hang out and then like,
we're just-- we would eat the next morning to get--
like, I don't know, I feel like--
That's just, like, kind of, like, confusing to me
based on the rules that I'm seeing online.
Yeah. Um, obviously, we would totally be safe.
And I've been being safe up here.
The household is COVID-free.
Yeah, no, sorry. I just-- I think, like--
I don't know, I just was, like, really--
I've been really looking forward to it.
Like, I haven't seen like, a friend in so long.
And I was so looking forward to, like, I don't know,
making dinner but it's-- it's totally fine.
And I totally see, like, that changing it one night
is not going to change things in the way
that it feels like it's--
It's-- I'm just having a reaction
and I'm-- It's fine.
Um. Okay. Let's just have the dinner. I'm sorry.
-I didn't mean to, like-- -No--
-- make it weird-- No, no, no. I didn't mean
to make it weird. I'm sorry--
... talking about it nonstop.
You've been talking about going on the date
non fucking stop and the dinner won't--
like, literally won't be fun if you want
to have gone on a date instead.
No, it's gonna--
So, I don't even wanna do a dinner
-if it's not gonna be fun. -It's gonna be-- can-- Okay.
-Sara, realistically-- -What?
--can you picture you and I
not having a good time, sitting,
stuffing our faces together and drinking
your mom's shitty wine?
Well, no, I really, really--
That's what I want.
And it's gonna happen because I--
I'm not even cut up-- This is a-- This is a guy.
Have you ever known Naomi Parsons
to be caught up over a dude? Be honest. Like, it's not--
- Once in a while. - Truly not a problem.
-Yeah. -Reed's not going anywhere.
I'll hang out with him another time.
We are gonna have our dinner tomorrow
and I'm so excited. Um...
Also, like, that means I get to go to the Co-op
and get groceries, which is like-- you know I love
-that shit. -Oh, my God, I love the Co-op
-so much. -I love going to the Co-op.
It's also, like,, that's kind of, like,
the only human contact I have in my life right now.
-So, it's like, I can't wait-- -You'r ready.
-- to go get some groceries,
hang out with my-- my Co-op people.
Um, I'm gonna get some wine too.
Okay, but text me about what you want to get
because obviously I want to be a part of, like,
-the cooking and stuff. -Wait, should we just decide
right now?
Yeah. Okay. So, get, like, some vegetables
that look really good or seem special.
And then, cheese!
-Wine. -We have to do
the cheese plate. We have to do the cheese plate.
-Yeah, that was so good. -I'm gonna get--
You-- You're gonna make me do it.
I'm gonna get a triple cream brie.
Please! Like, that-- Get that one we got last--
I took a photo of the label. I'll send it to you.
Yeah, text it to me.
Okay, yay. Okay. I'm excited!
Um, I'm excited too. I can't wait to see you.
-Um... -Me too.
Love you so much and see ya soon. Ah!
Okay. Love you, bye.
Love you, bye!
♪ Older now make a little more pesos ♪
♪ But I keep it a secret don't show the bank roll ♪
♪ Got no allegiance to Jesus, he's too facetious ♪
♪ I'm beaming cuz when I'm dreaming ♪
♪ I'm seeing what I believe in, eh ♪
♪ I got a demon brain ♪
Hey, Naomi!
Oh, hey! How's it goin'?
Hey, how are you?
Um, you know, I've been better.
I'm eating macaroni and cheese, uh, directly out
of the pot so I think that says a little somethin'
about, uh, where my head's at right now.
Um, but how are you?
Ah, doin' all right.
Hey, listen. I been thinkin' a lot about your,
uh, situation.
Uh, I think you should just be honest with yourself.
No reason to sneak around.
You clearly want to hang out with this guy, you know?
So, just put your foot down. Life is short.
Yeah.
You're right. And, like, I think in an ideal world,
I would have, like, a best friend and roommate,
who I could be honest with about things
without expecting some kind of, like,
passive aggressive backlash.
Um, you're absolutely right.
Everybody's right.
I appreciate you thinking about it.
Yeah.
Um, thank you. I'm gonna to go put this into a bowl
and sit on the couch and eat it, um, to maintain some
semblance of normalcy and feel like I'm not spiraling
out of control, but again, thank you so much.
Um, have a good rest of your day.
Yeah, you too.
All right. Awesome. Bye, little one!
Hello-- Ooh. Girl.
-Oh! Ah, are we drinkin'? -Yeah. Oh--
Oh!
- Hey. Hoo. - Cheers, y'all!
Hey y'all.
Look at us. What's up?
I somehow thought that you--
You were gonna ignore that we were--
You know, I sent the Zoom request--
-I was close, but... -Yeah, I felt you weren't--
'Cause you didn't respond to the text messages.
I had to put on a shirt!
To respond to texts?
Mentally, yeah.
It's a state of mind.
I will say that I am desperate for human contact right now,
so I am thrilled that you called--
I'll take what I can get. Um, I have a reason.
So. Okay, I saw online, on Twitter, whatever,
that apparently Carson Wentz is mixed.
You know who he is? So, he's a Eagles football player.
So, I look into this, right?
The tweet disappears 'cause you know how Twitter be.
And it turns out that I had misread
and that wasn't true at all. Or I just can't read.
Actually, it turns out Pete Wentz is Black.
Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy!
Did you know this?
He's half-Jamaican.
That story had so many turns in it.
Are you guys just being pretentious
or did you actually know this? 'Cause--
Wait. I have crazy news. Wait.
Did you know that Mariah Carey is half-Black?
See, Khadijah, that's why a little bit,
I was like, "I hope she doesn't answer,"
'cause I knew she's gonna say some smart-ass shit.
That's why. That's--
You don't have to be disrespectful to me.
I just came here with some words
-to share with my friends-- -I can't-- I cannot.
It was a shocker because when I thought
about the music and then him, I said,
"Girl, why didn't you think that before?"
That's what I'm saying, so I wanted to share that.
I should've called my white friends. That's what
I should've done 'cause they would've been like, "Oh,
you always tell us somethin' we didn't know."
You just, "I should've
called my white friends"-ed us.
I oughtta kick you out the zoo.
I feel like, okay, you have to take into consideration
the current political climate. Like,
-are they gonna to be, like, -Don't bring that in.
actually thrilled to be like, "Oh, my God, Pete Wentz, yeah,
half-Black." Or are they just, like, patronizing you?
You know what? How are y'all?
How are you doing?
We're doin' okay. I'm okay. Wait, you guys taking
care of yourselves? I miss you. This is horrible.
On a scale of, like, one to 10,
I'd say I'm doing six, which is good considering--
That's like pandemic good.
Yeah. I think that's really,
really good. It-- It--
What are the protests like in L.A. right now?
Uh, you know, I went to one and, um, it is definitely
a mix of people who are there,
who really care, you know?
People who are really trying to be a part of the change.
And then you have people who are definitely
there because they need to take some pictures.
So, it's really sifting through that. We actually,
um, you know, went to one, me and Khadijah,
where it actually wound up
being a music video instead of just a protest.
So, that was really...
There was a girl I'll never forget--
Oh, yeah.
She got on the mic, and I was like,
"All right, here we go. Like--
- Yeah-- - People are gonna speak from
their heart. And then she started singing, I think,
"We Are the World" by Michael Jackson.
And then that folded into a Whitney Houston song.
And then that folded into "Fly Like an Eagle."
And then that folded into-- She just wanted to sing!
And then remember that one girl that wouldn't wear
a mask and she was over there being cute.
Like, "Oh, my God. Why do I need to wear a mask?
Um, like, I'm just at a protest with a bunch
of Black people who are the most marginalized group
here during this pandemic."
She to me was like, "Basically, you should just
be happy that I'm out here."
And I was like, "You could go home."
And her and all her friends were like,
"Put on your mask, it's okay."
And she was like, "Fine."
So, that's the climate in L.A.
What's it like there?
Now I feel like I'm bragging 'cause I went
to a protest and, like, the only issue I had with it is,
I mean, obviously, A, the police were just beatin' people
-up with reckless abandon. -Yeah.
And B, it was like, um, I was alone, you know?
Like, my roommate is still in Florida.
So, I was just, like, by myself. But also, I don't know.
I was watching people get, like,
batoned and pushed over by the cops.
And, like, random people who didn't even know them
coming and, like, scooping them up and helping them.
And, like, asking if they need water
and asking if they need, like, medical care.
It was really beautiful.
New York comes together when it has to.
And everyone was wearing a mask.
I wish you weren't by yourself. That's scary to me.
Yeah, it's weird. It's been... Nice.
Oh, that face.
Y'all mind if I pop off real fast?
Honey, welcome to the Red table.
I can't!
What's on your mind, girlfriend?
Okay, so, um...
So, she's been gone and I miss her, obviously.
She's my best friend in the whole world.
And, like, I've known her for so long but she--
I've been talking to this guy--
Yeah, you said. You told us about the other day--
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Reed. We still are talking.
And he's, like, great.
So, what's the deal? Are you guys gonna, like,
meet up soon?
We-- Okay. We talked last night.
And we made kind of a solid plan to hang out, right?
I was really excited. Feeling myself.
And then right before I went to bed,
I got a text from Sara. "I'm coming back on Friday."
In two days on Friday. She's giving you two days notice?
Yeah, she told me this Wednesday.
And, like, Sara and I had plans to have
this big elaborate, like, welcome back dinner,
which I assume is going to take place on Friday night
'cause that's when she would be coming back.
Do you think I should reschedule with Reed
and just save myself the headache
of her being pissed about it?
Or what? What do I do? Like, I--
Did you just hear yourself talk!?
I'm not even gon' say nothin'
because let me tell you something, Naomi.
Like, I know that's your friend and all
but, like... Like, I don't-- Like, I just feel like...
You know, that girl's not my type of people.
I'mma just say that. Can I--
'Cause I feel like I shouldn't say that much
because I...
Lyssa doesn't want to say that much.
And Lyssa doesn't have to say that much.
So, I will say it. She stinks!
Every time you talk about her, there's some sort of problem.
-Not stinks-- -She stinks, man!
Okay. Okay. All right.
Well, I'mma-- I'm gonna piggyback off of what--
It's all in the open now, let's just--
Yeah, I mean-- I-- 'Cause we--
Me and Khadijah talked about this--
Popcorn. Pop to Lyssa.
We've talked about this before, me and Khadijah.
And you are our friend so we don't want to talk about,
you know, like, your friend. But I just want to say to you,
you know, you don't have to stay friends with someone
just because you're friends with someone.
You don't have to do that.
Oop.
I'm just sayin'--
Why you always gotta say something
that cuts so deep?
I don't like Sara, really, if I can be honest.
Like, well, as a person, it's not--
It's just like, she just-- Every time you bring her up,
it's always stuff like this.
Like, she's so, just exhausting and time-consuming.
Like, you need to put rules on some
of your friendships, too, if that makes sense.
Like, she can't just keep ruining your schedule
and taking up your space and your energy
and controlling your life. Like,
we would talk about a guy like this
and be like, "Who does he think he is?"
And you also should be able to feel safe
telling her that, "Hey, girl,
um, I'm hanging out with this guy I just met."
Because if you told one of us that, we would be like,
"Oh, girl, go get you some dick."
But she really wants to consume
all of your time and space.
And those are all of my words that lead
into Khadijah's point which is--
Ah, she a-stink!
I just--
I get where you guys are coming from.
And how do you let go of something that has
been so good to you for so many years?
Or how do you even come to terms that maybe--
With the fact that, like, maybe it hasn't been
that good for you for that many--
I don't--
I think it's the latter.
It's soundin' a lot more like the latter.
If you keep trying, trying, trying, right?
It's like you're two glasses of water--
Follow me-- Right? And that's friendship, right?
I'm here. I'm here--
You fill-- You help fill each other up, right?
But if there's a hole in the other glass
and you keep filling, filling, filling,
that glass is sucking everything out.
There's nothing left to give back to you.
-You know what I mean? -Yes.
That was beautiful.
-When you do metaphors-- -That was beautiful--
-- you're like...
I be tryin'. I be tryin', you know?
Sometimes I'm like, I know you got a comm degree,
but you could have also double-minored in philosophy.
-You know what I mean? -I don't really think
I could have, 'cause all my metaphors,
they start with glasses. It's just--
No.
If you start a metaphor with a glass or two of water,
you'll find your way to the end.
I just think that right now, you can just, like,
cut out the fat because the fat
is not really helpful moving forward.
Part of the reason I call you guys is because I can
trust you guys and I love you guys.
And I don't really have too much space
for anything else.
Look at the world right now.
How much space and time do you have,
for people who are not...
helping you, like--
I get it. And you know what?
I'm gonna take what y'all said into consideration.
We got to consideration, what an honor.
Next time. De-- Definitely next time.
Like, this time, I'm for sure gonna have to just,
bite the bullet and, like, reschedule my shit
'cause I'm not mentally prepared to deal--
We spent all this time for you to not listen to us?
Wait a minute. No. I didn't sign up for that.
Naomi!
Listen. Personal growth is--
It's not a marathon.
-Well, it is-- -It is--
Personal growth is a marathon. It's not a sprint. Okay?
Can you give me a frickin' break?
You said-- You said the wrong thing
because you know you're wrong! Sprint it!
Take a performance-enhancing drug and run, kid!
Maybe this is, like, the one last time
that I just reschedule so I don't have to deal with it.
And then in a couple days, we can have this conversation
and I'll move out, or I'll do whatever I have to do.
-And we can just-- -No, no, no.
Because it's not gonna be the last time.
You have to just rip the Band-Aid off.
You are trying to peel it off slowly
and you've been doing that for a really
long time with this girl. Once again, I don't know her.
But I don't really like her like that.
So, I would love to not be stressed out
by the conversation about her, you know?
Yeah, I wanna
have stressful conversations about, like, Reed texts.
Let's do that instead. That seems so much more fun.
I want-- I wanted to talk about how
Pete Wentz was mixed.
And here we are talking about Sara.
Lyssa, I got one for you. Vin Diesel's Black.
Is she lyin'?
Lemme look this up.
Lyssa. Lyssa.
-Wait, are y'all serious? -What?
- Vin Diesel's Black. - To me, Barney was Black.
And also Arthur from the TV show, Arthur.
The Brain is also Black. The Brain celebrates Kwanzaa.
I actually think everyone in--
in the Arthur Universe is Black,
except for Binky, who is Dominican.
Binky is Dominican or Cape Verdean.
Okay, let's take it easy.
I'm sorry,
but Binky is high yellow Cape Verdean.
That's why he's yellow. 'Cause Binky's high yellow!
Wow!
Did you guys know Kimora Lee Simmons was half-Black--
I can't really have fun on my own, can't I?
-Lyssa. -We gotta let--
I'm gonna duck out before she realizes that Barack Obama
is Black. I love you both--
- Hey, what? - Thank you guys so much
for talking to me. I will do my best
and I'm not making any promises.
So, the next time we talk, don't--
don't come for me.
All right?
Bye.
All right. I love you both. Bye.
Love you. Bye!
Bye.
Did you just flush the toilet?
What, you-- you heard that?
Are you-- Yeah.
Oh, fuck. Uh, let's pretend-- You know what?
Let's not even pretend 'cause I'm just gonna go ahead
and say it: you got a séance going on
in your place right now.
Okay. Okay.
I am in my frickin' feelings.
I think I deserve to light a candle--
I feel like you-- you're summoning the devil.
That feels a little like it goes
against my religious roots.
And I don't super appreciate it, but also if I summon
the devil, then I guess we'll just chill.
I got a couple bottles of wine. I'll crack 'em open.
Okay. Now, that's just hanging out and fun now.
Yeah, chillin'. What's your night been like?
Oh, my God, it's been so fucking boring.
I was, um... So, you know I've been freelancing
-with that guy I told you-- -Yeah.
about, editing his video or whatever?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like a Zoom meeting. And he stood up.
And, you know, you're expecting me to say
this dude's hog was out. That's not what happened.
He stands up and he's in his boxer shorts.
And so, I was like, "Okay, that's kind of weird,
kind of funny but at least he's not like--
I'm not seeing this dude's shwangus."
- And he stands-- - Sure, sure, his meat--
The meat is-- is in the pants.
-The meat is contained. -Yes.
Um, but he stands up and he hits the corner of the desk.
And he lets out the most
insane yelp I've ever heard in my life. It's--
-Dude! -It was so--
He freaking bunned his weiner. I would do the same thing!
Bunned his wiener.
How's your day been?
I mean...
Can we talk about something quick?
Go ahead.
Um, literally right after
we made solid plans last night,
Sara texted me and was like,
she's coming back tomorrow.
And we have been talking for, like,
a couple of days about when she gets back,
we were going to do this whole elaborate
welcome back dinner. I'm going to go to the Co-op.
I'm going to get groceries.
And let's say...
it seems like the time
that we would be doing that would be
dinner time tomorrow, which also seems, like,
maybe the time that we would be hanging.
-Yeah. -And I thought like,
"Oh, maybe I could-- We could do, like, a day hang.
And then I could, like, you know,
have the welcome back dinner in the evening.
But it's like, what if our day hang turns
into and evening hang, you know?
So, I'd rather just hang out on a day that we have,
like, all the time in the world.
Um, and I also don't want to deal with her
being passive aggressive towards me.
Sure. And she'd be angry about that?
Like, us hanging out?
No, she's not-- She wouldn't be mad.
Like, mad is the wrong word. It's just like,
I just don't feel like dealing with that.
And I also don't want her to have to deal
with that after, like, months of being away.
-Like, she deserves a good -Sure.
Night first night back, you know?
And I also just-- I don't--
I haven't walked on eggshells in...
like, since she's been gone.
It's, like, not that I don't know which eggshells
to step on, you know? Like, I've been walking on eggshells
for our whole friendship. And I know where to put
my feet. Right? Like, there's some quail shells, right?
They're, like, feeble, they're weak, they shatter.
There is, on the other hand, like, an emu shell,
an ostrich shell, like, it's thicker.
And you want to step there to avoid, like--
crushing all these little
egg-- Oh, my God. This is so stupid.
I can't believe this came out of my mouth.
You know what?
I'm coming over.
Naomi, I am coming over tonight.
What are you talking about?
Coming over where? Coming over here?
I'm going to that séance in your place right now.
-I'm coming over. -Wait, you're serious?
Yeah! Uh, I mean, if that's cool with you. Yeah.
Like, you-- You're-- you're gonna come over here, tonight?
Like, we're going to hang out tonight?
Uh, and the situation ideally would be
you would text me your address.
I would show up at your place, potentially with food.
And we would hang out.
Uh...
Okay, yeah, absolutely. Um, fuck.
All right. Cool. Let's do it.
Oh, one-- one-- one-- one-- one request on my part.
-Yes. -I gotta see that crazy dress.
Oh, dude, that was already gonna be-- be worn.
It's not a problem.
Just text me your address and I'll be there.
I gotta clean my apartment. All right.
I will text right now.
Um, word. I will--
-Cool. -see you soon, I guess?
Yeah. All right. Awesome. I'll see you soon, Naomi.
Oh, my God!
Oh. Hey, how's it goin', Reed?
Oh, hey Reed.
Yo, what's up, Reed?
No. No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Okay. This is, um, quarantine night 84.
Reed's coming over. Like, he's coming here to my house.
Reed's coming over to this house.
I-- I don't even know how this happened
but he's, like, on his way.
I don't really know the rules.
We're supposed to stay six feet apart
but he's, like, in my house.
Do we keep the masks on?
What if we hook up? What if he's the one?
What if it works out?
Like, what if some random dude I met
on a random dating app works out for me?
And we get married and we end up together.
And we get an apartment and we have little babies.
And of course, they're brown.
And I'm not sure exactly which kind of brown
because I haven't really asked.
And it could actually be, like, a quarter white.
I'm not totally sure how to broach that topic.
I'm gonna lose my mind. I'm so excited!
I never get to do spontaneous shit
like this when Sara's here.
Well, look who it is.
-Hey, what's up? -Hey, nothin'...
How's it going? Best friend says what?
What?
-You look good. -Thank you.
I figured I'd zhuzh myself up for myself tonight,
you know.
Yeah. Well, okay, so I-- I've been thinking
about it and I feel really uncomfortable with...
you having a date in our apartment.
And I'm-- I'm just, like, panicked. Like--
Sara, I'm-- First of all,
not having a date at the apartment.
Like, he's not coming here.
If we go on a date when we reschedule,
it's going to be outside. Like,
I don't want you to worry about that,
you know, like...
But if you're outside
and then you go inside and then you, like,
touch our stuff, I feel like you're not taking
it seriously. And, like, it feels like you don't even
care that I could get it from this.
What?
Are you being serious right now?
Of course I'm being serious. I'm freaked out.
You just said that I'm not taking it seriously, Sara?
I stayed in New York City through, like,
the worst of this pandem--
Like, you weren't here for the refrigerator trucks
full of dead bodies outside.
You weren't-- Like, the woman at the YMCA
down the street fucking died.
She caught coronavirus and died.
You know the relationship I have with that woman.
She's so kind. Like, to say that I'm not taking
it seriously is, like, pretty fucked because I'm witnessing
the death and destruction and just chaos all around me.
And for you to say that of all people,
someone who was, like, literally going out in Florida
of all places, to the bars, not wearing masks
with your friends, just partying all night,
getting drunk to the point where you don't even
remember what you were drinking--
To say that I'm not taking this pandemic seriously
is like, a little bit rich, you know what I mean?
Not to be rude, but, like, come on now.
'Kay, I went to a bar one fucking time.
And I'm sorry I haven't been in New York
but I had to be with my family, it's my family.
-I'm sorry. I do-- I-- -That's not what I'm saying.
And you don't have to apologize for that.
It's just, like, I really don't appreciate--
It's not my fault people are dying.
It's not my fault that it's so fucking scary.
And I'm sorry I don't know what it's like
but I'm doing my own thing here.
Things aren't good here.
They're not good there.
And that's why I don't understand why you would say
that I'm not taking it seriously when you're going
out in a place that you admit is not good.
It doesn't make any sense.
You're being such a hypocrite right now.
I don't understand,
like, why you're yelling at me?
I-- This doesn't make any fucking sense. Like--
I'm not yelling. It's just like--
You are yelling. You're yelling at me.
And it's like, I'm sorry. You're my one fucking friend.
What am I supposed to do?
Sara.
-What? -Sara.
Have you considered that this is not about coronavirus?
Like, this is not about the pandemic, right?
Because you obviously don't care about the pandemic
if you're gonna go out raging with your friends
at a bar in one of the hot spots--
-It was one time! -Let me finish. Let me finish.
It was more than one time.
And you know that 'cause I'm on your close friends
on your stories on Instagram.
So, like, why are you lying to me about this
when you know that I know what the truth is, right?
Have you considered that maybe you just don't
like when I do things that maybe could not involve you?
Have you considered that maybe the idea
of me dating this guy means that you're not
going to be up my ass all the fucking time?
And we're gonna spend every second
of our lives together?
And that's been the way that it has been
since we've known each other for our whole friendship?
And you are terribly afraid of that happening?
I think you're being kind of a bitch about this whole thing.
Sorry. I'm not trying to be mean.
And I realize that saying the word "bitch" is,
like, mean. And you're my best friend in the whole world.
But, like, think a little bit deeper.
I think you're being kind of fucked up to me about this.
So, you think I'm just in your shadow all the time?
You think I'm just trying to hang out with you,
and you don't even want to hang out with me?
That's not what I said.
It's just, like, things have changed
and we have evolved past who we were--
You have evolved! Sure! You've evolved!
Congratulations. You have a fucking boyfriend.
You have a fucking nice life!
I don't have a boyfriend. I've never even met this dude.
I want to hang out with him once, Sara.
Wha-- I-- I don't--
I understand. Like, okay, fine.
I'm a fucking stunted or whatever. And I'm like--
Whatever. But I didn't think that--
I didn't think that us being friends
was just you being fucking bummed
that I want to hang out and talk all the time.
I thought it was, like--
That's literally not what I said.
Sara, I have not been out of the house in months.
I've not been out of the house in months.
All I want to do is go on one date.
One date, where we're six feet apart.
And we can't even see each other's faces,
'cause we're wearing masks.
And I really don't think that I'm asking that much.
And the fact that you're harping on this
is, like, so indicative of how you've been
for our whole friendship, do you realize that?
Like, I feel like I can't have anything without you.
So...
What the fuck am I supposed to do?
I think you're supposed to get over the fact
that I'm gonna go hang out with a person once.
I'll wash my hands when I come home. Okay?
Like, I'll take my clothes off at the door.
I'll-- Whatever you need me to do, I'm doing this.
I'm sorry. I'm doing it. Like...
You're being such a fucking bitch. Like, this is crazy.
You're just gonna do something?
I guess it kind of fucking takes one to know one, right?
We have so much in common, right?
We spend all this time together.
I guess we're both bitches, right?
That's-- I ordered a pizza and it's here--
I was so excited to come back--
I ordered a pizza and it's here. I have to go get it.
I'm sorry. I will talk to you later.
No! You can't fucking go. This is crazy--
- Hey! - I brought the pizza.
Oh, wow. I almost didn't believe you, but here--
- Cool if I come in? - Whoa, um, come on in!
Cool, yeah. Okay, cool.
Uh... Okay, I'll get this.
- Oh, it's the top lock. - Yeah.
Oh, um, the-- Sorry, second to top lock.
- Okay. Yeah, okay. - I-- Yeah.
They really should be universal at this point. You know, like--
- There's-- I'll-- Yeah. - a-- like a shower.
Anyway, uh...
This is crazy, right?
Yeah, I can't believe-- I can't believe. This is-- Wow.
Um, do you want a glass of wine?
Yes. That would be cool.
All right, all right. Um, I'll grab some glasses.
Do you want meet me at the couch?
Yeah, sure. Uh, cool. Whoa, this is nice.
Oh, thank you.
I actually, uh, built the place myself.
-This is very good pizza. -Yeah, I'm like, not--
Honestly, there was a lot of ricott-- and I'm a fan.
And I was like, "Ooh, is this gonna be too much?
Am I gonna be overwhelmed?" I'm feeling great.
So, you're happy with the amount of ricott--
I'm really, really...
Are we dropping the A? Ricott?
- Ricott. - Ricott!
Ricott!
I knew it. You're Italian.
Uh, yup. Naples.
Should we, like, do something?
Sure. You got a board game or something?
Do I have a board game or something?
Did I ask something strange?
No, no, no. I-- I just thought this was a date,
not a playdate, but, um...
I have cards. You wanna play some cards?
We can play Go Fish.
-No, for real-- -Now, what does Joker mean?
Joker. Ah, they're actually not supposed to be in there,
but I guess it means, like, you can just put it down
and then put whatever you want on top of it. Right?
Cool, uh, this and then this, and then spit.
-You're such a fucker. -Okay.
-Eight. Nine, nine-- -Oh!
What the freakin'--
I actually did warn you that I was good at this game.
It sucked. It sucked what you just did.
It sucks what I just did.
But also, you suck at the game of Spit,
so I don't know what to tell you.
-That's fair. That's fair. -You wanna play again?
Let's do it.
I'll tell you what. I have a game.
You are absolutely going to love it.
-I am 100% in. I can't wait. -You don't care what it is?
I'm just gonna tell you what it is--
Tell me what-- I mean, it's a game.
It's a movie game and now we're about to do it.
It is the Leonard Maltin Movie Game.
Woo-hoo!
Yeah, I'm really-- Hold on. I'm really excited.
I'm going to say a year from a movie,
-so I'll just pick a year. -Okay.
I'll give you a clue for that movie.
-Mm-hmm. -And then I'm gonna
read the cast from bottom up.
And in that process, as soon as you know the movie,
just scream the name out.
-The year is the year 2000. -Ah, excellent year.
-Turn of the millennium. -Mm-hmm.
-Pre-911. Yeah. -Y2K.
I knew that you were gonna--
I just knew that you were gonna be
the one out of us two to bring up 9/11 on a first date.
-Why is that? Huh? -You just seem--
Huh, I wonder why that is. Huh.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
I wonder why he would be the one to bring that up.
Okay. Okay.
First of all, I was leaning Latino. See, my thing is,
I bring up the Atlantic slave trade on a first date.
-Sure. -And my friends are always,
like, "Why do you do that?"
And I'm like, "Because it applies."
-I think you do have it. -No, I definitely do.
-I think you do have it. -I definitely do.
Um, is it the film Heavyweights?
Should we move to London?
-Let me think. -Is this too sudden?
No, actually, I think it's perfect timing.
-Yeah. -But I've always felt like
more of a Newcastle guy.
What's--
Uh, ah... Oh, my God.
My cousin, Sadie, would fucking kill me right now.
I also-- You know what I love about, uh, British television
is that you don't have to be super hot.
You just have to be a good actor.
-What's this guy's name? -That's Jeremy.
-Okay. -And that's Super Hans.
He's tied Super Hans to a bed because Super Hans
is trying to kick the drugs that he's on.
-Mm-hmm. -I'll make you watch this
for the rest of the night.
We won't do anything else. Don't frickin' tempt me.
Sure. Sure, sure.
We'll watch Peep Show for the rest of the night. Cool.
So, I'm staying for the rest of the night?
I mean, you're already here.
I can't send a poor drunk man spilling wine
all over himself out into the night.
I gesture when I speak.
Okay, that's because you're--
A fun guy.
Cheers.
-Should we make out? -Yep.
Your hair is so soft.
Thank you. I've been practicing to get it softer.
You've been practicing to get your hair softer?
Yeah. Yeah. For in case this instance happens--
I need you-- I need you to stop talking.
You didn't even call my hair soft.
-I haven't touched it yet. -Okay, we're good.
I don't want to be inappropriate.
There's one thing I know is you don't touch
a Black woman's hair.
I'm out of here.
Is it morning already?
Yeah. The sun's blasting.
-Fuck. -Yeah.
Um, I feel like I should eat so that I'm not hungover.
-Mm-hmm. -Are you hungry?
I could eat.
What could I make-- Oh.
Um...
Have you ever had pizza reheated in a cast iron?
I can't say I have, no.
I'm about to blow your mind. Watch this.
That shit's gonna be fucked up.
Wait. Actually.
I have to do something really quick.
I'll be right, right back.
Okay, so this is quarantine day 85.
I have to be really quiet because Reed
is, like, right there.
Ah!
We did that. And it was fine.
Like, it was perfectly fine. And he's really sweet.
And is it a little bit fucked up that I had somebody
who doesn't live here over, during a pandemic?
Sure. But, like, he's really smart.
And I feel like he's, like, respectful, and I trust him.
And I know that I do, because we have had
to take all this time to, like, get to know each other
when we literally couldn't hang out in person.
And I feel like normally,
it's like, you go from meeting on Tinder
to, like, fucking and never hearing from them
again in two and a half days?
And we've had, like, almost four months.
I don't know. I guess-- I just trust him.
And I don't think that he would put either of us
at risk to get this disease.
You know, I've trusted dudes before with mixed results.
But I feel good about this one.
Yeah, I don't know. He's so kind.
And, like, his hair is even softer in person,
if you can believe.
And I'm definitely going to get a UTI.
Like, for sure. I know my body.
I-- I should have peed.
Do you have to pee after you get fingered?
They don't really teach that in health class.
Do people still say, "getting fingered"?
Maybe I'm out of touch.
Anyway. Part of me, like, half-expected this dramatic,
sexy night with, like, my concubine
forbidden to me by my evil stepmother.
Probably a little strange that my brain
immediately assigned Sara as my evil stepmother, right?
Definitely some Freudian shit there I gotta work out
but I don't have time to unpack right now.
Speaking of, I...
hadn't really thought about Sara at all.
Like, until this moment since our--
Not argu-- Was it an argument?
I don't know. I don't feel really good about it.
And like, did I lie directly to her face
saying that Reed wasn't going to be here? Sure.
But, like, it was last minute. Like, I wasn't expecting it.
And I certainly wasn't expecting that fight
last night. And...
She's never gonna find out, right? Like...
No. I'm glad it's out in the open.
I'm glad we're saying something about it because--
I'm actually-- You know what? I'm proud of myself,
because I stood up for myself.
And I feel like normally when we get
into these conversations, I like,
bring something that's hard for her
to understand about herself up.
And I'm met with like--
she brushes it off or she gets really defensive
and starts crying.
And it-- I turn out apologizing somehow.
And I'm sick of that, like, this is something
that has happened more than once.
And it's not just about the pandemic.
It's, like, about our friendship, obviously.
And like, one time I made a bunch of baked ziti,
and I slaved over that baked ziti. And it was delicious.
And the next day there was a whole pan
of leftovers in the fridge.
And I got back from work and she'd,
like, eaten most of it, and she said she thought
it was because I was leaving
town that weekend, but this was a Thursday,
so why would I leave town on a Thursday?
Like, I was leaving town that weekend,
but I would leave Friday.
And it turned into, like,
her crying and me saying sorry
for her eating my baked ziti?
That ricotta was expensive.
I did call her a bitch to her face.
Not that I have any problem with the word "bitch".
Like, we're taking it back. That's ours.
And she called me a bitch, too.
I don't know.
I just feel like we need to, like, talk about things.
Maybe we should go to, like, couples counseling.
No, that's weird. Why would I say that?
Like, we don't need to go to couples counseling.
We're not a fucking couple. We're just--
She's my friend. And--
Maybe she's not even my friend.
Like, maybe that's what this is.
Maybe we've just outgrown each other.
And I have 10K in the bank for the first time
ever in my whole life.
I can move out. I could go on my own.
I could find an apartment in Brooklyn
for 10K for at least a couple of months
until I, inevitably, have to go back home
and live with my parents because the pandemic
has decimated the economy and I don't know
if I'm gonna be able to find a job.
Why am I even-- What am I spiraling about right now?
I have a whole ass man on the couch,
who I could make out with and who I owe pizza.
I owe him cast iron--
Um, should I answer that?
Yeah, do you mind? You can just open the window.
It's probably just the delivery guy.
He can leave it downstairs--
Can you let me in?
I can't find my fucking key.
Who the hell are you?
I mean, that's a loaded question.
Why are you in my house?
I'm a friend of Naomi's.
Shit.
♪ I pinned a flower on my jacket ♪
♪ Because this night means a lot to me ♪
♪ Then you went ♪
♪ And spilled the punch ♪
♪ All on my tuxedo shirt ♪
♪ White as a cloud, and now I'm screaming out loud ♪
♪ Oh, man, it's taking me over ♪