Hey! Hey, guys.
Oh, hey, paul.
Just marking down all our birthdays in the calendar
And it turns out I don't have yours.
Oh, yeah. That makes sense.
Paul. Yeah.
When's your b-dizzle?
Uh, it's kinda complicated.
Oh, come on. Age is just a number.
Well, September 12th is my jail birthday.
I got assigned that b-day
When my cellmate found out we were born on the same day.
Hamburger mouth was very proprietary.
Aw, hamburger mouth! That's a fun nickname.
He was not fun. You don't even wanna know what he was in for.
Well, it can't have been worse
Than robbing you of your special day.
He was a cannibal. I stand corrected.
Anyway, so, I don't really celebrate because of that.
Well, forget that big ole b-day bully.
It's time for you to reclaim your day
And you can bet we're gonna fête
With cake and ice cream.
Yeah, I mean, hamburger's still in for another 25 years
So, what the heck?
Uh, my real birthday's April 14th.
Aren't you gonna write it in?
Yes, I sure am.
(nervous chuckling)
Looks like we have more in common than we thought.
Sorry I went a little crazy with bubble letters.
So silly to think no one else would have the same b-day.
Many people do
Including you and a cannibal apparently,
So, we'll just split the cake and ice cream.
Did I say the 14th? I meant the fourth.
You don't have to lie.
No, I just forget.
Hamburger and me are the fourth. April fourth.
Oh, thank god. (giggling)
Yay, April babies!
(chuckling)
April fourth- shelter birthday.
Better make a note of that somewhere.
♪ I don't lose my cool ♪
♪ I love to call you mine ♪
♪ and whenever I'm with you my baby ♪
♪ I keep my fahrenheit ♪
♪ ah-ah-ah-ah I never lose my cool ♪
Ooh! I read that one.
Great read.
Is it?
A friend of mine had something published in it.
I find it all kind of boring,
But hashtag women supporting women, right?
Totally.
Women are so boring,
But I support all my friends too.
That's not-- but good for you.
So...
Do you think ravi's the one?
(shattering)
Sorry.
Um, that's a big question.
'cause I think I met my soulmate
And you and ravi seem so together.
Do they?
I mean, they do,
But also very independent from each other.
So what makes you think this person's your soulmate?
Well, the other day we were having coffee
And he called me "darling".
Aww. You went on a coffee date?
Sort of.
We didn't talk much.
But when I was leaving,
He asked if I wanted to take the rest to go
And I said yes.
Then he said "okay" and poured it into a takeout cup
And topped it up, no charge.
Sorry, joy, was this person working at the coffee shop?
Mm-hm.
Well, it sounds like you two definitely shared a connection
But I wouldn't limit yourself.
I agree.
Not that you're asking,
But that is great advice.
Don't settle!
You don't think coffee hottie could be the one?
It's just you might wanna find out people's names
If they're gonna be your soulmate.
Lara.
I mean, yes, lara, you would.
Are you online?
There are a lot of apps for meeting people,
And there are ones where women make all the moves
So you're in control.
What sites are you on?
Oh. Uh, date--
Dater. Date.
Lara: Yeah, tons of great ones.
Still, the longer you wait,
The longer it'll take to meet your soulmate.
Like ravi?
No, more like darren.
But he moved to costa rica and married a dolphin trainer.
Still, would it kill him to like my posts
Or congratulate me on my climbing certificate?
I did it for you! (chuckling)
Anyway, it's fun meeting people.
That coffee guy once called me darling too.
I get it.
♪ hey, hey, but I'm okay ♪
♪ downtown makin' moves all day ♪
♪ hey, hey... ♪
Hi. Can I help you?
Oh, um, just lookin' for nikki.
She works for me over at mckibbin's.
She has a job? Like, another job?
She buses part-time at our bar.
Wow, fun! Love that pub grub.
Best wings in the city three years runnin'!
Go you!
(awkward chuckling) thanks.
Uh, so, is she around?
She's not answering the phone.
Right. Uh, she got into a fight with her boyfriend
And threw his phone out the car window
Only turns out it wasn't his phone, it was hers.
Relationships, right?
I don't know. I'm single.
Samesies!
Okay. Well, um,
Just tell nikki I'm short-staffed Saturday
And I need someone to host trivia.
She's always volunteering,
Mostly to get out of cleaning,
But if she wants a shot, then this is it.
I'll be there!
I mean, she'll be there, nikki.
And uh, me too probably, because we tight.
(awkward chuckling)
Um, yep.
I am texting her right now,
And... She's in.
I thought her phone was trashed.
Good memory.
You are gonna kill it at trivia.
Okay, I'll see you Saturday.
God, I thought he'd never leave!
Wait, we you hiding?
Duh, there's no way I'm working Saturday.
He said you'd always wanted to.
I nodded one time
'cause I was hiding fries in my mouth.
Nikki, this is an amazing opportunity for you.
Meet new people in a super caj' way,
Expose yourself to a whole new career possibility.
I'll even come cheer you on.
And I'll buy the first round.
I mean, I do like telling people they're wrong.
Great! Then it's a date!
Oh, and I need you to clean meow town.
It is fur balls for miles.
I would, but I have to prep for trivia.
Gee, shan, was that you I was talking to just now or not?
(chuckling)
♪ hey! Keep turnin' me on ♪
♪ keep turnin' me on ♪
♪ ooh... ♪
I had no idea how many guys love cats.
It's so cute.
Really?
Maybe I should add that to my bio.
Definitely.
(beeping) cute. Cute.
Whoa. This guy's tagline is
"I'll know I've found the one when I meet you."
(squealing)
How am I ever gonna pick the one?
Well, maybe go on a date or two
Before you plan the wedding?
Uh, more like ten dates.
(beeping) 11. 12.
Oh my gosh, does this make me a s-l- you know what?
You realize they have to match with you, right?
Uh, with this app I get to decide.
But they have to like you back.
So, you think they're hotties
But they have to think you're a hottie.
Not that you're not a hottie.
Objectively, you're not unattractive.
I'm just not attracted to you.
Because I'm so busy with my own online hotties,
Like this one.
(not a match buzzer sound)
Anyway, just don't, uh,
Count your guys before they're matched,
So to speak.
I get it. You're just jealous.
No. How?
Why would I-- (buzzer sounding)
I didn't even swipe.
♪ we took it too... Far, uh-oh ♪
♪ keep tryin' but I won't go ♪
♪ got me starin' out the window ♪
♪ where the wind blows ♪
Hey there, busy bee.
Ah, aunt peggy!
Just came from the library
To drop this off!
A hot, steamy new issue of--
Okay crochet! Is this for nikki?
No, for you, sweetie.
You complimented my beret last week
So I thought you might wanna learn!
Right, of course!
Unless your compliment was a fib.
What? No! Love dat hat.
And crochet's for everyone,
Even someone with masculine hands.
Well, thank you.
Well, there's something I don't hear too often.
What do you mean? Nothing.
I just-- I have a very satisfactory life
But sometimes it just feels good to be appreciated.
Oh, I'm sorry if I haven't been--
I meant my husband.
Who's more interested in an old car than the woman
Who's been putting food in front of him for 34 years.
Well, he does make those great fajitas.
No, but I getcha.
And then there's nikki.
I have no idea what she's up to.
The laundry pile in her doorway is my only proof
She's not face-down in a ditch somewhere.
She has a lot going on right now, between
Working here and now hosting bar trivia at mckibbin's.
I didn't even know that!
I used to work in a diner
During the summers in port dalhousie.
Sweet potato. Do you know it?
Nope, but you've talked about it.
It's so weird nikki wouldn't tell me.
She's probably been too busy,
But I know that I-- she is really excited about it.
Well, my weekend's pretty exciting too.
Saturday's meal prep day,
Followed by sit alone Sunday.
Meal prep? That's fun. (chuckling)
So, what's this mcribbon's place like?
It's nothing fancy,
Just a neighbourhood bar for regular joes.
Sounds cozy. The kind of place
Where they welcome you with a warm smile,
Maybe a bit of scruff on the face
And a scent that's like a strong cup of coffee,
Afternoon rain, and a cowboy.
I'm in!
Oh, well, well, what about meal prep?
Defrost your own turkey à la king, russ.
Saturday night is ladies' night!
Oh, it's in the afternoon.
Then let the day drinking begin.
Oh, and the pattern I used
Is french bistro babe beret.
It goes with everything.
(quietly) great.
(giggling)
Kristian: Something sounds funny.
Just talking to tobias.
Oh! Who's tobias?
Uh, one of my many matches on snuggler.
Looks like someone is a hottie.
Well, I'm glad to hear it's going so well.
And I'm not at all surprised.
I'm slaying it too. Bee tee dubs.
Yeah. You know, a few too many women
Were impressed with my orienteering trophies.
I just needed a breather, you know?
Just put the focus back on the animals.
Wow! Look at those cheekbones.
Yeah. Kind of a cross between harry styles
And gaston from beauty and the beast.
And he uses full sentences like a british prince.
Oh, joy.
I don't wanna kill the vibe here,
But as far as mr. Ice tray abs,
All signs point to a catfish.
A what?
Catfishers troll the internet
Lying about who they are to trick people.
They're the worst. Look it up.
But he's a lawyer, and plays the cello
And volunteers at a community food centre.
No.
Best case scenario,
This guy lives with his mom and some ferrets.
Worst case he lives without his mom,
Because he murdered her.
Okay, I can tell if someone's real.
Just because you can't get a date
Doesn't mean everyone's a jerk.
No, that's not-- I have-- no.
And at least I'm not hiding in the back
With a bunch of homeless animals
Who only like me because I feed them.
I'm talking about you!
Yeah.
Well, workplace bullying is not the answer.
♪
♪ did you notice... ♪
Okay, people, we're starting in ten.
So, liquor up and tip your bartenders.
We pool tips, and I'm about to serve up gold.
Hey!
Nikki, you look so great up there!
I know. Sick hair day.
And you should've heard my sound check.
My joke about french toilet paper killed.
Your mom is gonna be so proud.
What?
Oh, yeah. She kinda invited herself.
She's just exchanging numbers with the uber driver.
How did she even find out?
I may have told her, but it's gonna be fine.
(nervous chuckling) would you say hat on or off?
What do most people do?
Does fergus have rules about that or--?
Are you calling him? Don't tell him I asked.
Hey mom, that thing shannon told you about is cancelled.
Nikki, no, she's excited to come!
Peg gets high on critiquing. It's her drug of choice
And that's why I never invite her to anything.
Well, if she's starts getting chippy,
I'll just throw down some classic retort burns.
I was on the improv team in high school?
Is that a brag?
There she is, my angel muffin!
Oh, and look at all that eyeliner.
Spooky!
'cause spooky's where it's at.
Good for you, niknak.
Don't call me that.
I'm just so jazzed!
You've always wanted to do stuff like this
And now you're doin' it, in a bar!
Next stop, broadway!
Bit of a stretch.
Well, we gotta dream big, right niknak?
Only I call her that.
Wow, so glad you both came.
"I would invite you,
"in this time of profound change, young taurus--"
(urgent whisper) kristian! Kristian!
Uh, I'm reading the animals their horoscopes.
Uh, it's an emergency.
Yes, chester's moon is rising.
I don't want him to see me!
Oh my god. Is that tobias?
He's like a photoshopped version of his own photo.
But he's not supposed to be here.
What?
After all that stuff you said about catfishing,
I stopped messaging him.
Good.
I mean, he is gorgeous,
But everything beyond that is pure weirdo.
I could drown in those brown eyes.
And he would help you with that.
♪ been drinkin' about you, thinkin' about you ♪
Okay, what country sells the most beer per person?
Germany, austria, or the czech republic?
Man in back: Ireland! Gotta be germany.
Czech republic?
Correct, shannon ross!
Good job, honey. You too, nikki!
That's my daughter up there.
But stand up straight, honey.
You wanna be tall and beautiful, not all--
Woo, nikki! Keep 'em comin'!
Okay, listen up, film fans.
These are for you.
Wowza, quelle chemise!
So brave to bear our arms in this weather, brrr!
In what 19--
New sparkle top, who dis?
Is that right? Did I get that right?
And what do you think of my top?
Kinda crazy, right? I got it in the discount bin.
Oh, well, I'm sure it was very pretty before it shrunk.
When I was your age we had so many rules
And morals and modesty.
That is-- so true.
Refill?
Oh, yes, please.
But don't put your fingers in it.
Okay.
Who's a good girl? Hi. Yes.
Can I help you?
Oh.
Hey, there. Tobias anders.
Sounds even faker when you say it out loud.
Uh, sorry. I just came by to check on a woman
Who works here. Joy.
Yeah, I know what her name is.
Oh, she's doing okay?
She's alive and well,
So, let's keep it that way.
Oh, when she stopped responding
I started wondering, what if something's wrong, you know?
Yeah, well, all is good.
So, let's move along.
Yeah, yeah.
A catch like joy has her pick of the litter,
And I barely passed harvard law.
Mostly because I was touring with my string quartet,
But whatever.
Take a hint, tobias.
Anyways, have a good day.
Hey.
How did you know where joy works?
Oh, she had posted some pictures of herself at work,
Kinda like...
That does kinda look like her.
She had that sign in the background.
Thought we had a connection, but--
I guess not.
Okay, okay. Until 2005--
Lemme guess, white wine, vodka tonic.
Uh, nope. I'm more of an old-fashioned gal.
Drinks-wise, not other things-wise.
Good to know.
Columella, yes, it's a tie.
Ooh, I love maraschino cherries.
Would you mind giving me a couple extra?
More.
You may have a problem--
A barstool! I haven't sat on one of these
Since they outlawed cigarettes!
Nikki: Oh, here's an easy one.
What is added to gin to make pink gin?
Gatorade?
Lemonade? Grenadine!
Ooh! Bitters!
Shans for the win!
Oh yeah, up top!
Maybe the rest of us would have a shot
If all the questions weren't about booze and partying.
Write what you know!
Not that booze and partying is all she knows.
Peggy: Oh, that's okay, sweetie.
We love you no matter how many times you puke on the doorstep.
Okay, that's it. I'm taking five.
Game's not over yet.
She gets her mood swings from her father's side.
I'll talk to her.
Nikki!
You need to take her home.
I haven't even finished my drink.
She's ruining everything.
Nikki, come on. You made a commitment to fergus.
Nikki: I didn't even wanna do this but you bullied me into it
And now peggy's bullying me out of it.
Okay, look. I know the situation isn't ideal,
But you're 30... Something years old,
And you need to tell your mom how you feel.
A little bit of honesty might go farther
Than the eye rolls.
Okay, fine.
And excuse my french but you need to grow a pair.
I said fine.
Peg, we need to talk.
Oh, I'm so sorry. You were right.
The super-stalkers are everywhere.
No, no. I was projecting.
You got a date with a hottie
And I got radio silenced.
I made a huge mistake.
Or, is there an opportunity here that we can salvage?
Oh, I'd prefer we stay co-workers.
No-- no.
Tobias?
Tobias: Hi.
I'm here to see joy.
Yeah, this is joy.
Oh my god.
Joy's a veterinarian. Who's this?
I'm a catfish.
What?
Uh, you just got me so worried
About my match potential, I used pictures that weren't me.
Oh, joy.
But you said you saw the sign?
Wait- whose pics did you use?
Lara's.
She's the coolest, prettiest person I know,
Other than my sister, but she's a nightmare, so--
I thought your sister was younger.
She is.
Sorry- who's lara?
The veterinarian that we're-- that you're pining after.
"pining" is strong.
Mmm, you showed up at her work.
I'm so sorry.
You're clearly a nice guy with super cute dimples,
But I wasted your time.
Just when I thought online dating
Couldn't get any worse, it sinks a notch lower.
Hey.
You may have a face that women dream of
And joy may not be the sophisticated,
Gazelle-like queen that lara is,
But joy is a warm, bright, hardworking person
That anyone would be thrilled to date.
I deal with enough liars in court.
Ugh, we get it. You're a lawyer!
And my moms are on a rowing team with marnie mcbean.
So-- we all have things we could brag about.
I was also pre-med.
Oh, is the real lara around?
No.
Okay.
I'm so sorry for getting you wrapped up in all this.
It's fine.
It's not.
I lied to you, and to him.
Everybody lies.
Heck, I lied and it didn't even get me a match.
(chuckling)
I never won the orienteering cup.
I came second.
And there were only two of us.
And the winner beat me by an hour.
At least we came clean.
Okay, an hour and 23 minutes.
Wow.
And one of my eyebrows was completely burnt off
But it didn't matter
'cause I just swiped the hair to one side.
(chuckling)
Sorry, am I rambling?
Yeah.
I mean, uh, no.
It sounds great, I just-- we need to get started.
I could cover for her.
Really?
Yeah. I'm no nikki bernard,
But I did sing the national anthem
At a st. John's ice caps game once.
I have the recording.
Oh, lainey's gonna start belting out mellencamp.
Can you get up there?
Yes.
Hello, mckibbin's!
How's everyone doin'?
(nervous chuckling) um--
Shannon here to keep this trivia train a-movin'.
All aboard! (clearing throat)
Oh, and a round of applause for ya boy, fergus,
A vision in flannel. (giggling)
Uh, open up dem ears, 'cause here's the next q for you.
Aww. Complete this love actually quote.
"to me, you are--"
Nikki: Unbelievable.
The correct answer is "perfect",
But half points for ballpark.
Oh my god, nikki! Get up here.
I can't believe you.
First you invite my mortal enemy--
Her mom. She means her mom.
Who I sent home, by the way,
And now you're stealing my questions.
You got them off the internet.
No, I researched them.
But of course you didn't notice.
You've been too busy flirting with fergie.
It's fergus.
Ps- he's taken a vow of celibacy
Since maxing out on ayahuasca in peru, so good luck.
I told you that in confidence.
I think that's really admirable.
Wow.
I mean, whatevs. I'm here for my cuz!
Can we get back to trivia?
Oh my god, hold your horses.
Oh, that's a good one!
How many horse actors did they use
In the 2003 snorefest seabiscuit?
(audience reactions) ooh! Oh!
♪ the escarpment seems so pretty... ♪
If you're looking for fergross, he's downstairs.
But don't try to help him change the kegs.
It makes him feel emasculated.
Well, lucky for him I'm looking for you.
I'm not gonna make out with you.
Nikki, I'm sorry I got a little carried away
At the flirt station
But fergus isn't what I'm gonna remember about today.
He is pretty forgettable.
What I'm gonna remember is watching you crush trivia.
It was okay.
You were amazing, and I'm just sorry
I didn't give you the heads up about your mom.
That's okay.
I'm putting my drinks on her card,
So it works out. Right.
Thanks for the help with the kegs,
But I didn't need it.
Peg: Oh, I've changed a few in my day.
Worked at a diner called the sweet potato.
Ha! Had some pretty wild summers there, I'll tell you.
Oh my god, what are you still doing here?
Oh, well I walked it off, like you said,
But I didn't wanna go home without giving the star
Her opening night bouquet.
Wool coasters?
They're crochet scrubbies, great for dry skin--
Not that you have any. You don't.
We all know I do so you're both lying.
It's a nice gesture.
Well, thanks for the scrubbies.
They're cute.
Well, the pink one really matches
The shower cap that I made you.
I said they were cute.
Okay.
She'll come around.
Yeah, I just worry about her sometimes.
But she was great, wasn't she?
She was!
Reminds me of a talent show I did when I was working at--
I swear to god, please don't say the sweet potato.
It was the jewel in the port dalhousie crown!
Oh my god, can you both please go?
Fine.
Bye, fergus. Bye, fergus.
What a flirt, huh?
Who knows what woulda happened after a second spritzer?
Probably nothing.
♪ let's shake it up ♪
♪ it's kinda scary but I'm lovin' the rush ♪
♪ my heart is racin' like oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ 'cause this feels like home ♪
♪ yeah, it's true ♪
♪ look in the mirror and I'm feelin' so good ♪
♪ yeah, I've been searchin' like oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ and this feels like home ♪