(ticking)
(ringing)
Both: Wedding day!
(camille shrieking)
♪ level up ♪
♪ I know you see me coming ♪
♪ never stop, I'mma hit the ground running ♪
♪ get ready, push start on the button, yeah ♪
♪ see if I'm doing it, it's all or nothing ♪
♪ like, ooh, I'm a fly right past, zoom ♪
♪ bad girl with a whole lot of class, oh yeah ♪
♪ I don't break, I was built to last ♪
- Babe, what's for breakfast? - Oh!
Oj in a champagne glass or full-on mimosas?
Mimosa me. We are celebrating.
There is nothing better than going to a wedding
You don't have to do anything at.
Hell yeah!
Let's hang out and get our drink on.
Ooh, maybe we'll even get a chance
To back that ass up on the dance floor tonight.
(camille humming)
Okay. What you think? The classics?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Babe, we got to go pham-dashians up in here.
Ooh-ooh!
♪ whoo we gonna live a lot ♪
- Okay. Okay. - Ooh.
- Okay. Okay. - Ooh. Hey.
♪ hey ♪
Man on phone: Thanks again for doing the speech tonight.
You know how dad's not the most talkative.
Yes. Well, karthik has many other strengths,
Like putting up with your mom.
Man on phone: (slowly) okay.
Listen. The honour is all mine,
And I assure you I will bring it.
Man on phone: Nice. Yo, andrew.
Thanks again for my bachelor party.
Eh, you wanted a good time and no strippers,
So the answer was easy-- trampoline park.
Man on phone: Oh, the photographer is here.
See you soon.
- Andrew, ramesh: Oh! - Beta, you look great!
Aw, yeah.
Lil' prince rolling up in the wedding horse
With his nikhil uncle. You know what?
I think I need to put another coat of hair spray
On this bad boy. (chuckling)
Leo: What you working on, nana ji?
Oh, it's my speech for the wedding.
Pretty standard stuff, but I'm most excited about the joke.
- What joke? - Oh, it's a famous joke
Told at all the indian weddings.
It goes like this.
Carol, put out your hand.
Nikhil, put your hand on top of carol's hand.
Cherish this moment, because it's the last time
You'll ever have the upper hand.
(ramesh laughing)
It feels kind of old and dated.
Ah, no. You see, because carol's hand is here,
And then nikhil's hand goes on--
Oh, I got it.
It's just not funny.
Oh.
(ramesh murmuring)
Last time...
(andrew laughing)
Ma, you think you chose big enough centrepieces?
Don't make fun. Your cousin jane
Had such small ones at her wedding.
Very cheap. It made me so sad.
These are big,
Very high end.
Mm. The asian flex. Got it.
Okay. Time for poppa locka to limber up.
- Ah! - Don't, don't!
Stay and help!
Your california cousins are coming!
Tyson and lily? So what?
They party too much.
Remember your wedding?
They kept yelling they were turnip-ing.
Ma, it's "turnt up."
That was 16 years ago.
I also heard tyson's a pharmacist now.
He just call himself that
Because they legalized marijuana.
Oh. What about lily? She's got kids.
Bac thuy told me lily is banned from all the chuck e. Cheeses
For starting fights with other parents.
You need to make sure they don't cause trouble.
The same thing carol did for your wedding!
Aw. I'd love to help, but camille and I,
We got this, uh, vip chill vibe going on today.
Oh! Ah!
Ah, ma! You're overreacting!
They're here.
♪ screaming west side when we ride ♪
♪ switching lanes in that old-school chevy ♪
♪ while I'm gripping grain ♪
♪ fit that bang I tried to tell I missed the game ♪
♪ but they ain't listening all around the world ♪
♪ this we claim ♪
Still overreacting?
♪ west side ♪
- Lily: Hi! - Andrew: Ah! (laughing)
Oh, okay, okay, okay.
Troi oi. Look at this guy.
Oh, tyson, looking good.
I got that air force mot on feet, man.
- Oh, okay, okay! - I'm a pharmacist now.
Yeah, I heard. Uh, congrats.
So let me know if you need anything, alright?
Yeah. Sure.
Lily, it's great to see you again.
It's hilary now.
- I've rebranded. - Oh, why?
Well, mainly because lily tran
Has been banned most places,
But hilary tran gets a fresh new start!
(laughing) that is a fun loophole.
Uh, carol and nikhil wanted me to chat with the guests
To remind them that they're trying to keep
The wedding, you know, like, low key.
- Ex-squeeze me? - Yeah, you know,
Keeping it caj. You know, no big scenes
Or reasons for police to follow up with noise complaints.
Like, we're going to keep it turnt-- (chuckling) --but down.
Quang, we get it.
Nothing, uh, too big.
Let's get a drink, huh?
Sure. I-- uh, it's pretty early.
I don't even think the bar is open yet.
Duty free!
♪ duty free, duty free ♪
♪ duty free ♪
Camille: Oorvi massi!
You look so beautiful! Ah!
Oh, my gosh. Your son is getting married today.
- He finally met his match. - (camilla laughing)
I was worried he was going to be single
And living in England forever.
(gasping) is this khia?
- It is. Give your auntie a hug. - Hi.
And leo is around here somewhere.
He looks so cute in his kurta.
The last time I saw you, you were so little.
Now, all grown up and so beautiful.
Thank you, and nice to see you, oorvi auntie.
Ramesh: I feel underdressed!
(ramesh, woman laughing)
Karthik, fetch me some chai.
Oorvi, you're looking well.
Rumble. You look shiny.
(laughing) ah, yes.
Well, I'm surprised your old eyes could see that far.
Who could miss it? It's like looking into the sun.
- Ramesh: (laughing) ah. - (camille laughing)
Thank you, dear. Rumble.
Come. I want to show you something.
Okay. Come.
Oorvi: Karthik!
It's nice catching up with you.
Ah! Ah, you startled me. (laughing)
(people talking quietly)
(andrew sighing, groaning)
Okay. Everything okay?
No! My mom has me running around
Trying to manage the double trouble cali siblings.
Tyson and lily? Oh, my gosh.
Are they letting lily across the border now?
Tyson: Yo!
(squealing) oh, my god, camille!
You look gorge!
Camille: Oh, lily! (gasping)
I love your earrings.
Right? I found them on the plane,
In someone's purse. (laughing)
Yo, is that horse outside up for grabs?
- What? No. It's a rental. - Every horse has a price, man.
Yo, it'd be nice to be a forward cowgirl for once.
Ooh! Snap that horsy back up!
Snappy snaps!
Snap it to the sun!
Okay. Please do not snap buttercup to the sun.
Come on. Let's go.
(lily squealing)
Buttercup!
Leave buttercup alone!
♪
(man singing in hindi)
♪
(man and woman singing in hindi)
♪
- (andrew sobbing) - camille: It's okay. It's okay.
(singing in hindi continuing)
(people applauding)
Marriage is archaic, but that was incredible.
I know, right? Oh, oorvi massi,
The wedding was beautiful.
Agreed. So, now, hopefully the reception goes smoothly.
- It will. - Do you remember
The time your father got us lost on that trip to niagara falls?
He could never read a map properly.
So, hopefully, he won't get so lost with his cue cards.
(camille laughing)
I mean, did you notice all these ladies flocking to him?
Oh, yeah. No. Dad's single again,
So it's-- it's actually nice to see him getting out there.
Mm. I should warn them to stay away.
Ah. Excuse me.
I need to say hello to our accountant.
- Come, karthik. - (camille chuckling)
Mom, what the hell was that?
- What do you mean? - Well, it's totally obvious
That her and nana ji don't get along,
But you were being so weird.
Oh. It's just best to stay out of it. (chuckling)
So you're just letting her say mean things about nana ji.
Oh, she's from a different generation.
I mean, I'm not going to tell her how to act.
Honestly, khia, it is--
It's just nice to see my mom's sister again.
Yeah. Okay. I'll drop it.
(big band music playing)
♪
Where's that dj? You want to back that ass up?
(sighing) babe, my ass is exhausted.
One second, they're trying to feed the horse gin.
Then tyson's making a foam fountain out front.
Now, lily's walking around with an inflatable asian sex doll.
Like, yay to representation, but why a sex doll at a wedding?
Yeah. My ass is exhausted, too.
Oh. Is oorvi being oorvi?
Big time, and now, khia is mad at me
Because I won't say anything to her.
(big band music continuing)
♪
Oh. Hey, uh, you here by yourself?
(laughing)
Yeah. My husband ditched me.
Oh, what an idiot!
- He's dumb. - So dumb.
- (laughing) - what can I make for you?
Um, what's your specialty?
♪ the autumn leaves ♪
♪ start to fall to the ground ♪
♪
(camille laughing)
♪
I call this the ocean's 11
Because of the 11 different ingredients
That shouldn't work together but somehow do.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
To this wedding and to my husband who died in a fire.
Oh, damn. He's dead now? Tragic.
Hey, uncle. More napkins? (chuckling)
- Anyone need a refill? - Tyson!
Please do not serve champagne to the children.
But I'm a champagne papi, baby!
That's not what that means!
Whoo! Oh, boy!
Oh, my god. How are they still conscious?
Because when asians were created,
Their ability to process alcohol was taken away
And given to those two and those two alone.
Hey, cheers. To us.
Oh.
(horse neighing)
Lily: Yeehaw! Giddy up!
- Sorry, babe. I have to go. - (horse neighing)
(shouting) why do I hear buttercup inside?
(music continuing)
- (grunting) - ramesh: Cherish it,
Because it is the last time you'll ever have the upper hand.
Sounds good, man. Rock and roll.
♪
Oorvi: Rumble.
I hear you're single again.
Well, that's not too surprising.
Only kidding.
I'm glad my broken heart amuses you.
Ah. You know, I remember the day my sister told me
That she'd fallen in love with you.
An average student with long hair
And a leather tassel jacket. Mm.
Might I remind you that that average student
Became a distinguished professor of business?
You can't just throw around the word "distinguished."
Just kidding, again. (laughing)
So, how's the speech?
Everything is great.
We'll see.
I don't need these now, dear.
I don't have pockets.
Come. The reception is finally starting.
(soft pop playing)
I'm dj balladzzz, like dj khaled,
Except I got the soft stuff your girl likes.
- Okay. Okay. - Tyson: Bro, bro, you got
To put on my playlist for the bride and groom's intros.
Yo, stop playing with the lights!
Lily: Where are the lasers on this thing?
Oh!
(loud dance music playing)
Lily, did you just blind chu hai?
- Lasers fix eyes, stupid. - (music turning off)
Just let the dj do his thing!
Yo, I respect the young buck's hustle,
But is he from cali? Ha.
Yo, it's time to introduce the bride and the groom.
For the first time ever as a married couple,
Let's welcome carol pham
And... Nikhil!
Sorry. Don't know your last name bro.
(guests cheering, dance music playing)
- Lily: Found the air horns! - Tyson: Whoo-hoo!
Ladies, where you at?
Get those thongs out! Get those thongs--
Sorry, ladies.
No need to get your thongs out.
Or do. (chuckling) your choice,
You don't need a man to tell you what to do with them thongs.
(laughing)
Are you kidding me?
You ruined carol and nikhil's entrance.
This is why we didn't want you here.
But we bring the party, bro.
Read the room! Nobody wants this!
♪
(music turning off)
Andrew, what just happened?
(laughing) this?
Nothing! It's fine.
Just a little confusion with tyson and lily,
But I got it covered.
Come on, everybody! Dance!
(andrew chuckling)
Oh! Yeah. There's no music.
Come on, man! Put on some music, huh?
Bro, you got to go.
Hey, let's get you to your places
For a proper introduction.
We can't redo our first entrance.
We're already here.
Andrew: And it was beautiful.
(andrew chuckling)
Dj balladzzz?
Come on. Put some tunes on, man.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Nikhil: So, does the sweating run in your family?
Carol: No!
So, your kids are growing big and strong.
Yeah. Yeah. They're great. Actually, I was kind of hoping
We could start to spend some more time together.
Look at his shaky hands.
Good thing he is not a doctor, right, camille?
(camille laughing)
Actually, massi, no.
He's not the same bad boy anymore, okay?
He's a great dad and an even better grandfather.
Camille, I was just joking.
Well, it doesn't feel like a joke.
Beti, this is just how your father and I are.
We always fought over aarti.
Yeah, and then she was gone,
And you two avoided each other.
And I didn't have my mom's sister in my life anymore.
It's not that simple.
Massi, today is a celebration,
And my dad has always been there for nikhil.
He's not going to let him down.
♪
Ramesh: ...Had such an interesting, varied life.
Write an autobiography.
Well, I just want to say tonight that, um,
- It's in the works. - (people chuckling)
In any case, uh, in conclusion,
I've learned many a thing about marriage over the years.
But the most important thing I've learned is this.
Carol, put your hand out.
And nikhil, put your hand on top of carol's hand.
(chuckling)
(ramesh clearing throat)
Now is when you would expect me to joke
That this is the last time
That nikhil will have the upper hand.
(people chuckling)
But as my grandson
Pointed out to me,
That would be old and outdated.
(several people murmuring)
No. Marriage...
Marriage is about holding on to one another
And never letting go.
Nikhil, carol,
Never let go,
And a happy marriage will be yours.
Thank you.
- Whoo! - (guests cheering)
That was a really good speech, nana ji.
- Thank you, khia. - Yeah. You did great, dad.
Oh, here comes roger ebert with a thumbs down.
Well, I actually thought you did quite well.
Thank you for speaking, rumble.
Oh. Well, it was my pleasure.
Wait. Oorvi auntie, why do you always call him rumble?
Well, when he came to pick up your nani,
We could hear his motorcycle five minutes before he arrived,
Rumbling down the street.
You had a motorcycle?
I was quite the bad boy.
You were quite the fool.
You were a brat.
(oorvi chuckling)
(khia chuckling)
This is them getting along, isn't it?
Yeah. We'll take what we can get.
Khia: Mm.
♪
Brother, what's going on with you?
And why is my wedding so boring?
Andrew: What? This is fun.
Just making sure things don't get out of control
Like they did at my wedding.
I know you tried to keep the california cousins in check.
Just repaying the favour.
Dude, your wedding sucked.
You and camille were so stressed about everything,
So I asked tyson and lily to get litty.
Your party popped off.
And now, at my wedding,
They're super sad!
Wait. You actually want them here?
If they hadn't turned up at your wedding,
Nikhil and I wouldn't have hooked up.
Oh, damn.
So, are you going to fix it?
Alright. Time to get turnip-ing.
♪
Hey. I know I was a jerk.
I'm sorry for what I said.
Carol, nikhil, the entire family,
We're happy to have you here.
Okay.
♪
Check, one, one, two, one, two!
- Mic check! - Come on, man!
Andrew: Y'all ready to get the party started?
Because I know who can get the party started!
Uh! Where my california cousins at?
Uh! Where my big-time cousins at?
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
- (people murmuring quietly) - (andrew sighing)
Did I mention...
Duty free, baby?
(guests applauding, cheering)
Finally! Yeah!
(guests applauding, cheering)
Yo, for real?
Turn it up, cuz!
(dance music playing)
Everybody make some noise!
(guests cheering)
Thank you.
- I love you, bro. - I love you, too.
So, who's ready for poppa lock to come out?
(guests cheering)
♪
♪ aye you got what I wanted ♪
(man singing in punjabi)
♪ aye I think about it every day ♪
♪ baby looking like khana khazana on a plate ♪
(man singing in punjabi)
(singing in punjabi continuing)
♪ throw it back and bu-bu-bubble up in front of me ♪
♪ everybody trying to figure out your recipe ♪
♪ I'm just trying to get a piece baby ♪
♪ I know that you want to get crazy crazy ♪
♪ shorty take it slow then cheti, cheti ♪
(man singing in punjabi)
♪ jalebi baby ♪
♪ aye baby let me see it ♪
♪ jalebi baby ♪
May I finally back that ass up in your direction?
Oh, I've been waiting for you to ask me that all night.
♪ I really need it ♪
♪ jalebi baby ♪
♪ oh baby let me see it ♪
Uh, everyone, I'm sorry to interrupt,
But, uh, the father of the groom would like to say a few words.
(song stopping)
(guests applauding, cheering)
♪ jalebi ♪