[applause]
[man] Gay wedding. Gay wedding!
Gay wedding today!
First in our town.
I now pronounce you husband and husband.
[man] Woohoo!
Gay wedding party! Gay wedding party!
Get on into this gay wedding party, y'all.
Well, folks, we've made it here.
Somehow, we made it, and I get to see
two of my best friends get married.
[crowd exclaims]
Two of my best male friends.
Wow, even hearing me say it gives me the butterflies.
I just-- Uh! I wish it was cool to be gay
when I had my thing going for me.
I was a total fox, just trust me.
Now I'm old, so I'll be payin' for any action I get.
-[laughter] -I'm kiddin', I'm kiddin'.
Sort of. Not really, actually.
I often pay for sex.
But hey, that's the gig, right, boys?
Anyway, I just want to say--
I'd like to say something, too.
Okay. I mean, you don't really know the grooms that well.
We kinda had a-- a line up of close friends.
Doesn't everyone just think it's a little odd?
Everything that's happening?
I mean, two men, married, seems a little yucky. No?
Hey, let-- let's take it easy now, Trevor.
Easy? Easy is when a man and a woman get married.
Uh, I want to tell a little story
about how the two grooms met.
[mocking] I want to tell a little story
about how the two grooms met.
[crowd exclaims]
What?! That's what he sounds like.
It's an homage.
Thanks, everyone, for coming.
I think that's enough for the speeches.
Let's dance!
A little less twirling, darling, I'm very drunk.
[chuckles] Oh, Holly. I love how wasted you get.
-It's so charming. -[giggles]
Maybe you'll have a wedding like this one day.
-Holly. I'm straight. -[laughs]
-I am. -Okay.
[applause]
You'll keep helping me pick out my outfits, though, right?
Darling, I would never let you go out
looking like utter trash.
Wasn't that wonderful? I just love love.
What can I say? I love love.
I'm just that girl, that girl who loves love.
I have to say, it did get me excited
for our big day.
The thought of you and I together in the chapel?
-Got a real smile to my-- -Faggots.
-Excuse me? -I said faggots!
They're all faggots.
Now they can do anything regular people can do?
It makes my blood boil.
Trevor, you take that back right now!
You know most of my friends are gay.
And I accepted that when I knew
they didn't have basic human rights.
I could watch you flounce around with those pillow biters
just as long as I knew I was above them
in the eyes of the law, but now,
their rights are making me question everything.
But questioning things is too hard,
so instead, I'm just angry!
Why, I had no idea you felt this way.
My gays are everything to me.
They give me so much a straight man couldn't;
genuine assurance, cultural critique,
new slang, fun sex stories,
access to the best parties,
honesty about my appearance,
sensitivity to my current set of circumstances--
And that's the problem, Holly!
They need to live in the counter-culture
because if they start to seep into real culture,
they will just make everyone think differently,
and then everyone will just be confused and slutty.
No one will want to do hard labor anymore,
no one will want to have kids, and humanity will crumble.
It's really that simple, Holly.
Well, I don't know about any of that.
I just know that I love gays, and I love you,
so please, no more funny business.
And if you're a good boy, you can do something to me
that one of my gay friends taught me.
It's called a rim job.
Okay. I'll rim job you.
-This isn't over. -[moans]
[moaning]
-Ahh... -[Trevor] You like that?
Mm-hm.
[Trevor] That's the way a homophobe eats ass.
-You like it? -Mm-hm.
Three--
[Sebastian] Hey, we still hangin' later?
Yeah, just two more dishes
and I've made my quota for the day. Five dishes.
Thanks for hooking me up with this ladder repair job.
Well, I knew you were looking for something
sort of mindless with flexible hours
that wouldn't define your identity, so...
Yeah. This is perfect.
Hey, so remember that new drug
that half the gays were on at the wedding?
-GHB? -No, the other half.
Well, I found a guy who can get it for us.
Oh, my God! Yay!
Yeah. The woman who invented its name is Molly
so they're calling it that for now.
What? I'm out here washing dishes
while women are out there inventing drugs?
Just say you'll do it with me, bitch.
Of course. But after that,
I really do need to start to create
actionable goals for myself.
[Holly] Oh, Sebastian,
how fun was last night?
Really made me believe in love.
It actually made me kind of sad, Holly.
Sad? Why?
When you alluded to the fact that maybe I like men,
well, it got me thinking.
-Oh? -And I wonder,
would you be willing to walk across the room for me?
Sure, but why?
I want to pay really close attention to that fat ass
and see if it gives me a tingle.
Oh, boy. Well, for you,
of course.
Hm... no tingle.
Mind taking off your clothes?
-Sebastian! -Holly, come on.
It's important for my development as a human.
Okay, okay.
The things I do for men.
Well?
Well, I'm gay.
Oh, Seb, that's wonderful to hear!
When do you think you'll start having sex with men?
As soon as you get the hell out of here.
Bye, Holly.
Would you mind also taking this pot of coffee with you?
-Thanks, doll. -Anything for my best gay.
Trevor, you'll never believe it but Sebastian came out to me.
-He's gay, too. -Another one. Of course.
Trevor, enough is enough with this attitude!
It's 1952.
Gene Kelly is a fag, Judy Garland is a dyke.
This is the world we live in, get used to it.
I love you.
I love you so much it hurts.
Let's just focus on that, okay?
Okay.
I love you, too.
But this is still really pissing me off.
I'm going out for a smoke.
Smoke and a think.
-Smoke? -And a think!
Just promise me you won't do anything to hurt the gays.
You have my word, I won't hurt the gays.
The thinking.
[traffic noise]
[Trevor] Sweetheart, I've got it.
I'm going to build the world's tallest ladder,
and whoever wants to teach these gays a lesson
will plummet from the ladder to their death in a protest
of their gayness and the rights they have because of it.
Mm, that's good.
Now I've told you my plan and you've heard it
and expressed your support for it.
-Goodnight. -Mm-hmm...
[Trevor] Well, my big boy plan is working.
I'm building the tallest ladder in the world.
I made sure they measured it.
Not just this ladder but every ladder in the world
just to be sure.
I'm a little bit OCD with that stuff.
[indistinct chatter]
We haven't been out in ages.
That's because it costs money to go out.
I want to tell you about a new phenomenon.
Surely you've heard about it, everyone's talking about it.
It's in the air you breathe,
it may be happening in your own backyard.
-It's called gay marriage. -[crowd exclaims]
Here we all were living our lives,
our straight, happy lives.
-You were happy, right? -Were we happy, darling?
Yes, darling, but this guy is selling something.
I can't tell what it is yet.
Maybe hair gel, which I'm actually fresh out of.
Of course you were happy. You could walk down the street
without a care in the world.
-You were sexy and popular. -Here we go.
Well, you couldn't keep your hands off each other,
you were like famous people.
How very glamorous.
And then gay marriage came along,
and now it's only the gay people touching each other,
not the straights.
It has been a while, darling.
Well, which is it? You want to go out
or you want to stay home and touch?
Soon enough, gay weddings will replace real weddings.
It's too confusing to have both kinds.
One will have to go.
Gay weddings will win.
The only way you'll be able to get married
will be to get gay married,
which means everyone will have to become gay!
Does this apply to us, too, do you think,
or only to future marriages?
-I think we're safe, darling. -No one is safe.
[gasps] Do gay people even like us?
How could they like us while they're also taking away
our right to be the only people who ought to get married?
Why is it us who has to become like them?
Because gay people are so fabulous?
Well, straight people are fabulous, too.
That's what they don't want you to know.
You are fabulous. Say it with me.
I am fabulous!
Now say it to the person sitting next to you.
-You are fabulous, darling. -Thank you, darling.
Straight people need a symbol, something that represents us
the way that gay marriage represents the gays.
Something grand. A showstopper!
Oh, I love that.
Here's what I'm thinking.
A straight person needs to climb this ladder
and plummet to their death in protest of gayness
and the rights they have because of it.
Do I have a volunteer?
-[woman] No! -Come on!
Just one enchanting volunteer.
One stunning protest death and gay marriage is over.
It'll be breathtaking.
Everyone will be talking about it.
Every magazine will write about it.
With pictures.
I understand. It's the grand thing to do.
Okay, let's hurry this up. The ladder's right here.
[woman] It worked, my love.
I finally feel... grand.
Ahh!
-[body thudding] -[crowd exclaiming]
Boom! We did it! We stopped gay marriage!
-We won! -[crowd exclaiming]
What's wrong, my love? You seem sad.
Yeah, I guess I am a little upset.
A woman is dead, Trevor.
A homophobic woman, but still, a woman.
And it just makes me feel a little icky,
like it didn't need to happen.
But it did need to happen, Holly.
And the lesson is now learned,
so no need for any more straight deaths.
Do you even care what I'm thinking about you right now?
The names I'm calling you in my head?
No, I don't. Listen, it's just politics, love.
You have to be able to separate the politics from the man.
These are just my views.
Oh?
And my opinions.
Mm-hm.
And my actions.
But how can I separate all those things?
That is so much to separate.
What's left after your thoughts, actions and opinions?
Well...
I think you know what's left.
Oh, Trevor.
Mm-hm.
[Trevor] You really know how to separate the man
from the politics.
Mm-hmmmmm!
My plan worked. I'm in the paper.
With pictures.
Hmm... Now what to do with the rest of my life?
So many hours to fill.
Uh! Watch it, fag!
[Sebastian] Should we do something fun with my hair?
Is pink too obvious? What about sea foam?
[Sebastian] I don't know. I'm feeling gay and reckless.
By the way, it's terrific that you're still gay married.
Hm!
[sighs]
[women giggling]
Ooh! They should kill themselves.
[Trevor] This ladder is more than just a symbol.
This ladder is a movement,
a movement greater than one man,
than one town, than one ladder.
And this is just the beginning.
Soon there will be ladders in every town,
all across the world.
You can be anti gay marriage in any language.
We do not discriminate.
And now, our volunteers who made this decision
without any pressure from me.
Every time I come, I see fewer familiar faces,
which makes sense being that
most of the audience kills themselves.
Do you bring all your dates to the site of your wife's suicide?
Yes. You'll love it. It's fabulous.
Any day now, we'll be getting the call
that gay marriage is over.
And what a gay day indeed that will be.
-Can you see all right? -Yes, we're in the front row.
See, it takes a while to climb since the ladder is so tall.
Tallest ladder in the world, they say.
Tall enough for them to doubt
whether they should go through with it.
They usually stop and pause right about... now!
Yes, I got it right that time!
And this is all about being anti gay marriage?
Oh, come on! What are you waiting for?
Just end it!
Hot damn! Now we're getting somewhere.
[woman] Okay. Apparently,
no one in your life has told you this,
so I suppose it falls on me.
No, no, the falling happens over there.
You have experienced a trauma,
and now it's manifesting through--
there's no other word for it but-- addiction.
You're addicted to watching people fall off ladders
in opposition to gay rights.
Are you kidding me? Step on the gas!
[Holly] I can't take it anymore.
All this madness. I'm going crazy.
Too many deaths around. What is the point of it all?
Why are they taking their own lives
just to take something away from you?
Holly, if I've learned anything in my one day
living as an out and proud gay man,
it's that straight people can be psychotic.
There is no rhyme or reason to their actions
most of the time.
You really just have to ignore them.
Hard to ignore when one of those straights
sleeps in the twin bed across from my twin bed,
and then climbs into my bed when we have sex.
I'm sad.
I have a little something that will take the edge off.
-[gasps] You got it. -I sure did.
The Molly has been secured.
Girl, we are going out tonight.
Let me change. And I got something for you to wear, too.
Oh, my God. You didn't. You didn't!
Oh, Sebastian.
You always nail my style.
Here, take the pill.
Hmm. Drugs are yummy.
- [dance] -[Holly] Oh, this is intense.
-But sexy. -[Sebastian] Hell, yeah, it is.
[Holly] Oh, this is the best night of my life.
Oh, I love you so much!
[Sebastian] Fuck, I love you, too, Holly!
[Holly] Why is my jaw going nuts?
[Sebastian] Don't worry, you're gorgeous!
[Holly] Everyone here is fucking hot!
Oh, I love gay!
[Sebastian] You're a queen, Holly. A damn queen!
[Holly] Yes! Yes!
Man, that was amazing.
I love drugs.
Oh, Seb, I have to admit I'm a little conflicted.
I really hate most if not all of Trevor's personality,
but I just love him.
And sometimes I ask myself why.
And it's gonna sound a little bit shallow,
but you see, Trevor-- Trevor has a 10-inch cock,
perfect thickness, uncut, which I adore.
And I just can't quit it!
You must think I'm a real loser.
Oh, Holly. Of course I understand.
Sometimes, when that dick hits you where you live
all you can do is love it,
and the man that comes with it.
I don't blame you for dating a sociopath with a 10-inch cock.
I don't think many would.
Rejoice, Holly.
Rejoice and thank God for that sublime pole.
-Goodnight. -Mm, kiss?
[moaning]
[Trevor] Holly, you've been in bed for two days!
Holly, get up and get dressed, you drug addict!
Holly?
[groans]
You changed into the outfit you did drugs in?
Disgusting!
Ick, and you stink!
Well, Holly, I hope those drugs felt good.
Yes. Great.
I was being sarcastic, you dumb bitch.
Holly, Holly, Holly.
Well, it looks like you really ruined your life this time.
You haven't washed dishes in two days.
Just when your career was taking off.
What's your excuse?
It's called Suicide Tuesday.
You get extremely depressed two days after you take Molly.
I don't know why, buy it skips a day.
Well, it serves you right.
Taking drugs with those depraved monsters.
All they want to do is take drugs and have sex
and talk about female celebrities
then do it again!
Their whole lives, that's it,
and now you're one of them.
You disgust me.
Trevor, I'm not. I'm not like that.
Oh, I feel so ashamed of myself.
You should. You should feel like dying right now
of shame for your actions associated with homosexuality.
I wouldn't come near you with a 10 foot pole,
and I've got one.
What are you saying, Trevor?
I'm saying I've lost you to the dark side.
You are one of them now. You might as well be gay.
And so I will never rim you again,
never fuck you again. None of it.
You will never see my fat 10-inch cock
-ever again. -Trevor, no!
The only way you can prove your love to me
is by climbing that ladder and showing the world
you're against gays by plummeting to your death.
Trevor I-- I couldn't.
Not to the gays.
You think they care about you?
They only care about having sex with other men.
It's not true, Trevor,
I love my gays and they love me.
Ow!
I hope you enjoy your life
when every day is Suicide Tuesday.
Oh... [panting] Oh...
[Holly] Sebastian, the most horrible thing just happened.
Holly, I'm a little busy. I got a guy coming over.
He's a real smoke show. I gotta clean out for him.
But you don't understand. It's Trevor.
The things he said to me were horrible.
-He wants me to-- -Not now, Holly.
I can't deal with your drama.
It's always Trevor this, Trevor that.
Figure it out, girl, let me get some dick.
[gasps] Trevor was right.
Gays are selfish and I'm gonna kill myself.
Move, I'm gonna kill myself!
It's time to climb that ladder.
[Trevor] That's my girl!
[Trevor] I'll talk to ya in heaven!
[Sebastian] Holly, what are you doing?
Don't jump! I love you!
We love you!
[Trevor] Don't listen to that fag!
You promised you'd jump, Holly.
The only thing worse than a fag is a liar.
You shut up. I'm sick of your shit!
[grunting]
[Holly] Oh, no, they're fighting.
Boys. Boys! I'm coming down there,
stop fighting.
Look at you. [grunts] You-- You're pathetic!
Look around. Your plan is ridiculous.
All the straights are dead now.
You are the only straight left.
It's just you
-and a bunch of gays. -Ahh!
This just proves how dumb straight people are.
He's... right.
I'm alone.
No gal, no straight guys to pal around with.
I've done this to myself.
There's only one straight left to climb the ladder
and it's... me.
Trevor, you don't have to!
I know.
But I want to.
-[Holly] Oh! -[body thuds]
-[applause] -Oh, boy.
You okay, doll?
I know how important that hog was to you.
I'm okay, Harry, thanks.
Now that all the straights are dead,
I guess I'll never find love.
But that's okay, right?
A lot of women grow old surrounded by gay men.
Honey, we can be single together
and make Key lime pies 'til we croak.
One more thing, thought you should know.
Turns out, he was also taking money
from the straight jumpers.
I do believe his initial goal was definitively
for the straight people to kill themselves
in protest of gay marriage,
but I also think there was a money component there, too.
I can't say with certainty which comes first,
the cause or the money, but the money never hurts.
Oh, wow.
So, what are you gonna do with it?
[sighs] I know exactly what I'll do with it.
[Holly] I will start a foundation,
a pro-gay foundation based on my ex's shortcomings.
We will call it...
L-G-B-T,
Ladders Get Better Today.
From this day forward,
ladders will no longer symbolize
straight people plummeting to their deaths
in protest of gay rights.
Now the ladder is a symbol for gay rights.
Every time you see a ladder, you will think to yourself,
"Gee, gay people are great!"
We will take every last cent of the money Trevor made
and use it to build ladders across the globe,
and we will help gay men buy their own ladders.
By June of 1955, I project that
over 80 percent of gay men will own their very own ladder;
ladders that will reach so high into the sky,
gays will finally feel like birds.
Goodbye.
Sending prayers of love
Proud of who we are
We stand united
Sending prayers of hope
We're stronger than what they know
We stand united
Sending prayers of hope
We're stronger than what they know
We stand united
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh
Don't cry
Let the angels wipe the tears from your eyes
Don't fear
Even though it's like the sun just disappeared
Well, they can't take away my pride
'Cause I'm stronger than I've ever been before
Oh, oh
Sending prayers of love
Proud of who we are
We stand united
Sending prayers of hope
We're stronger than what they know
We stand united
Oh, oh, oh, oh
[Rapping] We stand together, we stand tall,
Like when they made that stance out at Stone Wall...