My fellow Americans,
it's me, Ronald Reagan, your 40th president.
They used to call me the cowboy president,
on account of all the Western movies I acted in.
I was pretty fucking good, to be honest with you.
Well, tonight, I'm here to tell you a story
that's a lot like a Western,
except that it actually happened to me.
February 27th, 1987,
and it's all true.
Once upon a time, two banditos
came to the White House to try to take me down.
And it almost worked. Almost...
God damn it, almost.
But, well, like every great Western,
there's good guys and there's bad guys,
and I'm the good guy in this story.
I'm the good guy, got it? Me. Remember that.
I'm the good guy.
Out of my way, asshole.
[Reagan] Well, there they are.
That handsome lady is Stacey Breen.
Don't let her looks fool you, she's a real woman.
The kind of woman that tells the whole world
to grow a pair, and you know what? She's right.
My name's Stacey Breen. Grow a pair.
And that one is Joe Bunker.
A Phil Donahue, Jimmy Carter type.
Real sensitive 80s man.
[chuckles] No, thanks.
My name's Joe Bunker, I have a fiancé
and the wedding planning is going great.
Just great. So, so great.
[Stacey] I can't believe you fucked up Valentine's day.
Isn't that like the first thing
they teach you in boyfriend school?
[Joe] Uh, I think you mean fiancé school, partner.
Ugh, don't make me ralph. I hate that word.
Fiancé. Ugh.
What don't you hate?
Mmm, well, I don't hate Jon Bon Jovi's ass. You know.
Yeah.
I'm nervous to get this new assignment.
Grow a pair.
You keep telling me to grow a pair.
Do you want me to have four balls,
or grow a brand new pair of balls?
[Stacey] Either way, kemosabe.
Two Zimas.
[Stacey] No, no, I don't want a Zima, no.
Hey, jackasses, your train leaves in 22 minutes.
[Reagan] Well, there he is.
The bad guy of this here story.
They call him The Doctor,
and you'll find out why soon enough.
-Hello, sir. -Doctor.
Okay, here's the assignment. Go to the white house
and give President Reagan this cognition test.
Then I'll show up, use the test results
and my medical degree to take care of the rest.
Take care of the rest?
Intel says Reagan has lost his marbles.
It's dementia, maybe Alzheimer's.
-My God. -We're going to declare him
a mentally unfit president
and that's the 25th amendment, baby. Ha ha ha!
Well, he's got it coming to him, asshole.
Forgive my loose cannon of a partner. I'm sorry.
Don't let your vendetta against Reagan
get in the way of this, Breen.
Vendetta? Wait, I'm sorry, what?
Are you sure you two dillweeds can handle this?
I know it's your first work trip together.
I hadn't even thought about it.
Huh?
Nothing. Sorry.
[Reagan] But it wasn't nothing.
Just the night before it was all Joe was talking about.
With his fiancé.
Come on, babe.
It's just a work trip.
There's nothing to worry about.
I am not attracted to her.
I'm not into tall, broad-shouldered
gorgeous blondes. She's too tall.
And angular, but... But also svelte.
And she's always, you know, jutting her big strong jaw out.
Like, gross. Ugh.
[man] All aboard.
[train whistle blows]
But I keep telling my fiancé
that a Michael Jackson themed wedding is going to be "bad".
[laughs]
Bad, just in terms of
the brand new Michael Jackson album, "Bad".
Mm-hmm.
Hey...
What's going on in there, Breen?
It's nothing, forget it.
[man] Last call to D.C.
If you want to open up, I'm here for you.
You're such a pussy.
-Chicken. -Hmm.
Touché.
[sighs]
Have you ever heard of Mr. Green?
I mean... seems like a super common name.
[Stacey] It's my father.
I thought your last name was Breen.
It is.
My father was moderator of the 1980 New Hampshire debate.
Reagan wouldn't shut up
so my dad tried to take the microphone,
and then Reagan was all...
[Reagan] I paid for this microphone, Mr. Green.
[Stacey] Totally humiliated him on purpose.
Ruined his life.
[Joe] Oh my God, I remember that.
That was your dad?
[Stacey] God, I'm gonna take that son of a bitch down
if it's the last thing I ever do.
I'm not gonna let you down.
Or my fiancé, sorry.
I am prioritizing my fiancé, obviously.
That's who's important.
Oh, okay.
[Joe] Wow, the White House.
[Stacey] Yeah, there she is.
-Kind of a let down in a way. -[Joe] No, I know.
-[Joe] I was gonna say -[Stacey] So much--
-[Joe] I wish I saw more. -[Stacey] I know.
[Stacey] It's like Starry Night, the painting. Who cares?
[Joe] Who cares, exactly.
All I could think about is revenge.
Person, woman, man...
What kind of test is it?
Cognitive.
-Sounds tough. -I got a 1500 on my SATs.
-Grow a pair. -Okay, but do you want me to--
Yeah, I mean. Have four balls total.
Crabs grow claws, they want to do it.
[man] And you two are?
Oh, uh, journalists.
-We're journalists. -Exactly. It's obvious.
You're actually not in the system, so...
Well, uh... no doy.
Systems are for pussies.
You like basketball, sir?
No, I'm just a fucking filthy commie. [chuckles]
Of course I love basketball. Come on.
I have a couple of seats
to see the Washington Bullets tomorrow night.
Ugh... I do love Moses Malone, but...
[Stacey] Hey kid, hey kid. Look at that.
Look at the footsteps of great men.
Great men.
Mostly all men. Mostly all white men.
You can be one of those great white men.
Just take us to go see Reagan.
Pussy.
Do I still get the tickets?
[man] So... the White House.
There are 132 rooms, 35 bathrooms,
412 doors, 147 windows 28 fireplaces...
[Stacey] Sorry, you must stop. You must stop!
[man] Oh, my God.
And here we are.
President Regan's screening room,
where he spends most of his time.
Mmm, what is that smell?
Is the Drakkar Noir?
No, it's just my musk.
It's my... Ready?
[sighs]
Who are you, and what do you want?
We are, in fact, journalists, sir.
I'm Stacey Breen.
The last name Breen ring a bell?
Well, are you from "Variety?" I only read "Variety."
What are you watching, sir?
You ever heard of a Western?
I used to perform in them.
Here, have a seat and join me if you like.
No, thanks. We have some questions for you.
Shut up, shut up! This is the good part.
You see this?
I miss the world when it was like this.
There was right and wrong.
Good, evil.
Now, all people want to talk about is this plague.
What even is AIDS?
It's ruining everything, that's what it is.
There are demons at the gate, do you understand me?
I've seen the aliens.
I'm seen them, in Nevada, I've seen their eyes.
But we have to defend ourselves.
I was shot. Nobody remembers that.
I was shot.
Oh, God.
What should I do?
You're okay, Ron.
Ron? Is that you, baby Ron?
It's me.
They hate me, little Ronnie.
-No, they don't. -Yes, they do.
I'm a failure.
How can you say that, Ron?
Well, what about AIDs? I screwed that up.
No, you did great.
I messed up Iran Contra.
Now everyone's mad at me. I'm a failure.
Naw, they'll get over it, Ron.
I miss having a trailer and--
God damn it, man, snap out of it!
I insist you take a look at this test.
Cool it, Stace. It's not a test.
It's more like a fun questionnaire, like in "GQ."
Oh, right, yeah. It's, uh...
-It's like a cute quiz. -Exactly.
Our readers really want to get to know
-the real you, Mr. President. -Yeah, exactly.
-A little too much interrupting. -Exactly.
Oh, sorry.
Ah, mm-hmm. Let me see.
The Montreal Cognitive Assessment.
What did you eat for breakfast?
Well, that's easy, cottage cheese with ranch dressing.
Hmm, and how about last night?
-Dinner? -Cottage cheese with steak.
For desert, tapioca pudding.
Just give it to me straight,
have you lost your goddamn marbles?
-Uh-oh. Here she comes. -[door opens]
What in the cock is going on here?
Who the fuck are these asslicks?
-[Reagan] Take it easy. -We're journalists.
Stick an ass in your mouth, bitch, I wasn't talking to you.
Ron, you should be the fuck asleep.
Oh, I'm so sorry, dear. Good night, Nancy.
[Nancy] Do you know what extraordinary rendition is?
-No, ma'am. -Well,
how would you like to wake up tomorrow in Bosnia,
feeling like a horse kicked you in the head with its dick?
No, thank you.
No, thank you, ma'am.
Mmm. Then get fucked.
I'm gonna get that crusty old fogey to say Breen
if it's the last thing that I ever do.
[car alarm beeps]
-[Joe] Two Zimas. -[Stacey] No, no.
How fucked up was that?
Unbelievable.
I'm pissed. And that Nancy's a real ho.
Completely.
But you need to chill, okay?
He's lost his marbs, hey?
His marbles?
Definitely not.
Then what's his deal?
I don't know.
You're so not like my fiancé.
If she were here, I'd know what she would say.
She's a lucky woman, your fiancé.
Forget I said anything.
What about your live-in boyfriend?
Franklin? What a great name for an adult man.
Anyway, sorry.
I love this song.
Don't get drunk and dance. Don't.
I won't.
Oh, you're going to see me dance, all right.
[Reagan] Well, while Joe danced away his sorrows,
Stacey did the real seedy work of a secret agent,
asking questions.
What's going on with Reagan?
Does he have Alzheimer's? Huh? Does he?
And what's going on with his hair?
Why doesn't it move? It's not moving, why?
He remembered everything he ate, were they coaching him?
Hey, you, little White House aide.
Tell me what's really going on with the president,
you little punk, or I'll go bam on your face.
Okay, he's actually mentally sharp.
But all he does all day is sit around
and watch movies. He's depressed, guys.
There's nobody at the wheel of America.
Oh my God, who's that dancing over there?
Oh, no.
-[dance music plays] -[Joe grunting]
Damn, look at that guy dance, he's incredible.
Look at those moves.
Hmm.
Oh.
[horse whinnies]
Oh, uh.
[Reagan] It doesn't matter if its 1887, or 1987.
The body wants what it wants.
Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
Joe!
Okay, partner, I think you've danced enough.
Oh my God, there's so much of you.
Let's get you to bed.
[Reagan] Well, later that night, they felt the heat between them.
But change is hard.
So... it turns out Reagan isn't mental.
Everybody I talked to says he's just depressed.
Oh my God. Poor fellow.
You're really a sweet guy, aren't you?
Wait, of course he's depressed.
He was the good guy for 50 years.
But now he's the bad guy.
[chuckles] No doy, right?
I almost feel bad for him.
Well, I'm still going to ream him a new asshole.
Hmm. I like when you talk like that.
You do?
Totally.
Well, this is my room.
-This is me. -Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Yeah, this is where I take off my clothes
and lie down and just stuff like that.
I'll, uh... see you in the morning?
Uh... yeah.
[Joe] Yeah, just gonna...
What, this just come in for me?
Thanks.
The president just sits around and watches TV all day?
He's clinically depressed?
Those pieces of shit actually did it.
25th Amendment time. Somebody get me a helicopter to DC.
Morning?
Morning.
That was crazy last night.
Real fun, wasn't it?
Yeah.
What time is our train, actually?
I'm staying here. I have a job to do.
Wait, what?
But that's crazy. You know he's not sick.
He's just sad. Don't you--
Snap out of it!
Do you trust me?
Just say yes or no.
You know I do.
Well, what do we have here?
Uh... Mr. Vice President?
Howdy-doo.
You must be the journalist snooping around.
-Uh... -You know,
I used to run the dang durbid CIA.
-But-- -Yeah. I just want to say
keep going.
-What? -Yeah.
Let's get rid of this dumbass actor.
Let me take over.
I got some friends at Halliburton that need a war
to sell some weapons.
Hey, I know you.
You're Mr. Green's daughter, ain't ya?
It's Breen, sir. Breen.
I am pretty darn dagit damnded sure it's Green.
Uh, I was there too that day, you know?
Personally, I thought it was a good time.
Ronnie made a fool of old Mr. Green, didn't he?
My father's last name, my last name, is Breen.
Okay, okay. Sorry, Miss Green.
He's gonna do it.
-Green. -Breen!
-Ah! -Green!
-Breen. -Green!
Breen!
[Stacey] B-b-b-b-b-b-b-Breen
[Bush] Ow! Green, Green! Green, Green!
[Stacey] Breen!
-[Bush] Green! -[Stacey] Breen!
[Stacey] As in Breen!
[Bush] Green!
[Stacey] Breen!
-[both moaning] -Oh, my God.
[Reagan] It doesn't matter if it's 1887 or 1987.
The body wants what it wants.
You'll remember my name.
You all will.
My name is Stacey Breen.
Taxi!
You should apologize to her.
Uh, not going to do that.
She's something, isn't she?
It's, like, sure my fiancé is fine,
dependable, but Stacey is...
When I met Barbara, you know what I did?
What, sir?
I held on.
[Joe] Stacey!
Stacey, wow.
-Hey, are you okay? -Yeah, yeah.
I just had to tell you, you... blew my mind.
-Oh... Thanks. -I-I, I just...
I personally get so nervous
at confrontations, but you were just, like, whoa.
Oh, you would've done the same.
Oh, now you're going to make me ralph. [chuckles]
Are you thinking about what I'm thinking about?
You reaming George Bush's ass?
No, no.
Me neither.
What I was thinking was that
we've got to cheer Regan up
so that he can pass the doctor's exam.
Oh, right, right, right. Yes. Yes.
Hmm.
I think I just got an idea.
What is it?
Well, he's an entertainer at heart,
and he says he misses the good old days, right?
-Uh-huh. -Then let's help him
put on a big musical show,
a show so big it'll save America from guys like Bush.
[gasps] That's hot.
Nancy! Nancy, they're back!
Wait... We're not journalists, sir.
Right, we are actually theater producers.
Oh? I love the theater.
Say, let's put on a show.
-A show? -Yes, an America show.
Get the country back on your side.
Our boss, the biggest theater producer in the world,
is coming in the morning.
They call him The Doctor.
Yep, and although it may seem like The Doctor
is coming to give you a dementia test,
he's actually here to see your show.
Wow. Well...
Come closer, let me stare into your soul.
-Um... -Of course, sir.
That's when I knew I could trust them.
They want what all Americans want:
-[Stacey moaning] -[Reagan] Freedom...
[Joe babbling]
-[Reagan] Love. -[Stacey] Oh, Bob!
[Reagan] And yes, sex.
Well then, where do we start?
No, no, boys. Boys, follow my lead.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Push it a little bit harder, twinkle toes.
Come on, now, from the top.
You, you've got lead feet,
what's wrong with you? You don't love America?
Then the night of the show came.
The Doctor's here!
He's here!
I can't wait to take down this son of a bitch.
The President will be happy to take his examination
after the show.
Show? What show?
My God, he really has lost his marbs.
[laughs]
The producer is here, let the show begin.
Hello. I'm here to take down the president,
because he's a lunatic and I want power.
How are you?
This is fun, but you think we could've gotten better seats.
Right? Considering we set up the whole damn thing?
-Hey, I just-- -Hold it.
The show's about to begin.
Hello, good evening.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming
to our little show.
Now, well, the world is changing, a lot.
But I don't want it to change,
and I don't think you want it to change, either.
Let's keep America exactly the way it's always been
forever!
Heh-heh. Thank you.
I just do want to thank two people in particular,
Um, Joe Bunker and Stacey Breen.
Oh my God, he finally did it. He said Breen!
Amazing. What were you gonna say before?
Oh, just this has been fun.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Big time.
[applause]
[bugle plays]
You can shoot me, you can rape me
You can stomp my head and eat me
But I'll always love the U.S. of A.
Wow, this is actually really good.
Yeah. These homophobes sure like to dress up as women.
Old Ronnie's got his mojo back, just like you said.
Great start, everyone.
Now, let's grab 'em by the purse strings.
We're so patriotic
We make our dads cry
Cry, cry, cry
Yep, your dad would be a proud guy.
Oh, thanks, that means the world.
You're a great guy.
What are you saying? You're amazing.
Good, now hit 'em with immigration.
Stay in your country
This is so good, this can't be the work of a madman.
We make pretty good partners.
Mm. No shit, Sherlock.
I'm serious, though.
I'm the brains and you're the pussy.
No, I mean it.
Good, now, AIDs, the virus!
AIDS isn't a thing
It ain't no thing
There just isn't any AIDs
Are you seeing what I'm seeing?
I think Reagan might be a genius.
I love this country so much.
Oh I'm just going to fucking say it.
-I love you. -Are you for real?
-All right! -Yeah.
I think we should move in together.
I can't believe what you're even saying.
Wait, I haven't heard you even say it. Go on.
If you mean do I love you, you bet your ass.
You said it, baby.
I love you so fucking much.
-I love you. -[laughs]
I love you!
And now, big finish.
And we'll double down and double down
And double down again
God bless the U.S.A.
[cheering]
Great job. Get the hell out.
You know, I was sent here to take you down.
Oh, I didn't know.
But you reminded me tonight that our lies about ourselves
are the most important thing.
Well, don't you ever forget it!
We won't invoke the 25 amendment.
Tell everybody!
[laughs] I didn't know that was a... all right.
Well... we are home.
So great to be back in the, uh, big apple.
Yeah. So...
What do we do now?
Hmm? What do you mean?
What do we do now, like do you want you maybe
come back to my place? Or...
We could. We could, we could.
We could, we could, we could, we could.
Or... or, or, or, or...
Oh, my God.
No, no, no, not like that. Just hold on.
Don't do this to me.
The thing is... my fiancé, and her feelings,
and the Michael Jackson themed wedding.
I thought you were kidding about that.
No! We hired a choreographer named Alison!
Pussy ass motherfucker,
I'll hit your head without my hand moving.
Well what about your live-in boyfriend, Franklin?
You pussy ass motherfucker, I don't have a boyfriend.
Oh.
I bet you've never met a man
with a fucking name like Franklin.
Franklin, take your insulin like a good kitty.
who has feline diabetes. Yes, you do.
You and I belong together.
Oh, man, I'm getting overwhelmed.
I have to... I have to get back to my fiancé.
You know I fucking hate that word.
Wait, Joe!
Ow!
God damn!
Stacey!
Stacey... what are you doing?
You opened my heart just so you could ralph all over it?
You're too much, please.
Let me go home.
[Reagan] As long as nothing changes, we'll always be okay.
As long as nothing changes.
If I can't have you... no-one can.
Ah!
Grow a pair.
Grow a pair! All of you.
[Reagan] Well, I survived that attempt on my career
just like I survive all of them.
And I'm still in your head, aren't I?
[laughing]
I'm the Good guy. Never forget that.
I'm the Good guy. Don't fight it.
Just say, thank you, Ron,
thank you for the 80s.
Thank you for America.
Go on, I'll wait.
[whistling]
Well, you're welcome.
Now, turn off your goddamn TV,
get on your goddamn knees
and say God bless the U.S. of A.
And God bless Ronald Wilson Reagan,
the cowboy president,
forever.
Woke up with this feeling
I can't seem to get you out of my head
It's got to be a reason
Reason
'Cause I just can't help myself