Good evening.
I'm jilted and perturbed.
Allow me to be frank:
a sinful and sickening threat faces us.
Here it is: a full-fledged flurry
of experimental warfare is upon us in the form of
new and extreme scientific breakthroughs.
But it threatens the lives of every American citizen,
puppy, and vehicle.
We have isolated the source of this menace to one family:
One bloodline, one pre-pubescent boy.
For his safety and your own, his identity shall be obscured.
God knows he will thank me later.
We have learned of unorthodox procedures taking place
in the most remote corners of the world.
Deep within the Siberian tundra, these Godless mad scientists
will stop at nothing.
For decades they have been perverting
the natural order of nature
using cross-species DNA grafting in order
to infiltrate every corner of America.
And we have the proof.
People gave their lives to retrieve this footage.
It shows, beyond all doubt,
that these scientific trials were successful
at least 40 years ago.
But what is the nefarious plot that we have uncovered?
How did these Soviet geniuses crack the genetic code,
and what was their intention
in exporting successful experiments around the globe?
The rise in birth rates in our country led to a sprawl
out of cities into the so-called suburbs,
necessitating a new reliance on the automobile.
The dream: 2.5 children, a dog in every home
and crucially, two cars in every garage.
This put undo pressure on our automakers,
so we began importing cars.
Russian cars.
This, it turns out, played into their ultimate goal.
Be warned, this will shock, alarm, repulse,
and revolt you.
This is what we are up against.
The convergence of canines and machinery
has long been upon us.
Witness these images, and despair.
We now know that the war may already be lost.
[Russian narrator] This is the autojector.
After the untold death at Stalingrad,
we men and women of science took a vow to ensure
that no Russian life ever be lost again.
Our goal: to solve the problem of death.
To conquer it, to control it, and to reverse it.
Allow me to explain:
the process begins by draining the deceased corpse of blood.
We then mix that blood with a top-secret solution
including petrol, motor oil, and a combination of
bio-engineered fluids from a wide variety
of animal species,
a combination that took us years to perfect.
It provides the organic combustion necessary
to revive life where life has ceased.
We tested this process first on individual body parts.
On successfully rejuvenating
crucial organs such as the heart and lungs,
we knew that phase one of our experiment was complete.
We were prepared to take the ultimate risk
with phase two.
What comes next is gruesome,
extreme, and proof of absolute contempt
for the natural order of God, mankind,
and the biological balance of mother nature.
You have been warned.
[Russian narrator] Full rehabilitation of demised mammals
was the goal.
First, the heart, then the brain.
Once we returned each separate organ to life,
nothing remained but to create a newly arisen intact subject.
This could only be accomplished with the use of our
experimental machinery.
Thus, in collaboration with the newly robust tank
and auto industry, the autojector was born.
What we learned when the dog and the machine
spoke to one another was quite unexpected.
Unlike the separated organs,
once we returned activity to an intact dog,
it was as though there now existed
a means of direct communication between beast and device.
Whether this relationship would prove to be parasitic
or symbiotic, we did not know.
The dog was one with the machine,
and the machine was one with the dog.
After careful examination and study
did our wildest expectations get exceeded.
The animal had developed the ability
to control the machinery.
A physiological link existed between the brain of the dog
and the engine of the autojector.
As we observed him wagging his tail,
his spirit overflowing with new life,
we knew that the world would never be the same.
We would revive animals explicitly for the purpose
of controlling machinery.
Never again would one have to accept the death
of a beloved pet, nor the unpredictability
of any manufactured technology.
Having succeeded with canines, our next goal was obvious:
the full rejuvenation of human beings.
Aberrant stuff.
Cruel and vicious.
We now know that this process has been practiced for years,
becoming 75% to 90% effective.
And we have learned that their experiments
on full grown men and women were successful
far earlier than anticipated.
By some estimates, they've been able to rejuvenate
adult humans since the early 1950s.
And now, their plan is entering its final stages.
The key to all of this
is reckless and unchecked importing
of cars and automechanically inclined undead dogs
from behind Soviet borders.
The development of the new post-war family unit
created an increased need for pets.
Thus, hundreds, no, thousands of reanimated Soviet canine
bioweapons being shipped to every corner of the globe.
Our newly increased need for foreign companies
to supply us with cars, washing machines,
medical supplies and central coolant systems
has led to an unprecedented and unchecked boom
in trade and imported goods.
Russian automobiles became a fixture
on every American motorway.
This brings us to the most horrifying victim
of the automechanical undead Soviet menace.
This boy is special.
His lineage is linked to this terrifying threat.
He is about to learn the miserable truth.
Meet our friend, young Herbie.
Herbie's father, Herbie, has returned from the dealership
with a brand new Zircalo sedan.
Witness the excitement of Herbie and Herbie.
But the car came with an unexpected "bone-nus."
This Zircalo came shipped from Moscow complete
with a courtesy canine.
But this is no ordinary
suspiciously complimentary free dog:
That's right. You guessed it.
The Soviets exported dogs possessing the power
to communicate with automobiles,
unleashing in a literal sense of the word
a dual menace upon our American streets.
Ever since your mother abandoned us,
we have needed to replace both her,
and the car she took off in.
This car and dog will fulfill all of our needs.
I loved them.
So did I!
But after she found that mysterious letter
from her mother, she ran off in possession of the car.
If only we knew what that letter said!
Anyway, we now have replaced her
with this car and this dog.
The dealer, Dmitri, said both car and dog
are to be called Marushka, and now everything is settled.
With our new car, our improved life can begin.
This has been a terrible time.
[honking]
It is just as I hoped.
I've been made a full-status member of the family.
This family, whose bloodline has long intertwined
with our technology, and they suspect nothing.
[honks]
[old Herbie] Herbie?
Do you properly respect and love Marushka?
Is that dog in there with you?
[young Herbie] Yes, Dad.
There's something strange about this dog.
She smells like a peasant who has been harvesting potatoes.
Oh, well, no matter.
Time for undisturbed sleep.
[young Herbie] What are these urges inside me?
Why am I tormented with such thoughts?
Who are these innocent people?
Why do I feel that I will see them
perish in hideous car crashes?
Oh, no.
What did Mommy learn about Grandma?
Marushka...
What are you trying to tell me to do?
I'm too young to drive.
No...
No, it can't be.
What is happening?
Dogs... autojectors, cars.
Blood on the asphalt?
What is happening to me?
[honks]
Hello, little Herbie.
Oh, dear.
Good evening.
Yes, hello, little boy.
-[barks] -Welcome to the liminal space
that is neither heaven nor hell,
neither light nor dark.
Neither mechanical, nor organic.
This is the realm over which we rule.
You know me as Marushka.
These are my comrades, Rasputin and Boris.
At last we meet.
We have long searched for you, little Herbie.
You don't know it yet, but you are the chosen one.
The descendant of the first American whose life
was restored by our experiments.
Cars make me sad,
because I remember watching my mom leave us in our car.
She found an old letter from her mother,
read it, and left.
Watching her drive away, I felt like my life
would never be the same.
That is a sign of weakness.
We can explain the great mystery of your family.
That it is fate for you to serve us.
We can show you what decades of plotting have wrought.
But... you must do something for us.
What's that?
All in good time, our young slave.
Oh, I don't like the sound of that.
Of course you don't, you dummy.
-I'm afraid. -Not as afraid as you will be.
Everything in the known universe
is in balance, foolish American child.
Us cars are proof of a new, higher evolutionary link
between machine and organism.
We have exploited your weak economy to gain a foothold
in the American marketplace.
Already, one in five driveways has a Soviet-made car
sitting in it.
Soon, that will be one in three.
Each Zircalo brand auto comes linked to a dog,
whose thoughts are conditioned by the state.
Soon, nothing will stop us.
What does this have to do with me?
With my mom? With her mom?
We can find her car, control it with our dog brains.
Shake your tail, Marushka the dog.
Da, da, da.
I can feel our bond becoming stronger.
Don't you see? She forges a link with us.
With all our brethren.
We become one, canine and living automechanical vehicles,
sharing a brain, a goal,
an unstoppable plan.
See for yourself, little one.
Your mother is very special.
You are very special.
In order to gain your support for our cause,
we will do everything we can to bring her home.
This is imprecise. There will be casualties.
But that's okay with you, right?
You want us to do anything we can to bring your mother back?
Anything, Mistress car.
But first, please tell me: why me?
Why my mother? What does our family
have to do with Russkies?
Zircalos? Doggy brains?
What makes me, little Herbie, so special?
You really don't know, do you?
Sit back, little one, for I shall tell you
the suppressed tale of your family's greatest secret.
Your mother's shame, and the ghastly truth
about your mysterious grandmother.
[laughs]
[woman] A letter to my future daughter:
If you are reading this, the worst has occurred.
Something has happened to me that I fear shall negatively
affect our family for generations.
Had I known what madness lived inside my body,
I would have thrown myself into traffic.
However, I now know that would have done nothing.
As you will soon learn, for me, for you I fear,
and for any child you may have, death is not so simple.
I speak of something so far
beyond the binary of life and death
that to put it into words would push my mind
past the point of sanity.
It all began when Jeffrey returned from the war
with a mysterious Russian car,
and came a-courting.
Oh, Jeffrey, so fast. So wild.
Ah...
[Jeffrey] She drives real nice, huh?
Who'da thunk the Russkies would make such superb cars?
And they just gave it to you?
Perks of victory.
Had it shipped home after my service.
And you'll drive me to the dance tonight in it?
Uh-huh.
Fast, like I like it?
Yeah, I will.
Because I'm a real maniac and I don't play by the rules.
Ah!
[engine starts]
Ugh, Filbert.
I wish you wouldn't watch me say goodbye to my dates.
It's my responsibility...
as your brother to keep an eye on you.
Rebels like Jeffrey? They're no good!
You're just jealous because nobody likes you.
No girls, no boys, nobody.
Even after you started dressing like Jeffrey.
Oh, sure, rub it in.
It's not my fault that nowadays girls only go for the bad boys!
The troublemakers!
The heroes who killed Japanese and Krauts in the war
while I was stuck at home with my disproportionate legs!
Look, I know you care about Jeffrey,
but something about that car of his gives me a bad sensation
in my slightly uneven spine.
Now let's just go inside and have mother give us our bath
before you go to the big dance tonight.
For I am a dirty boy.
[woman] Okay.
Yeah.
[woman] Ah...
[music plays]
You about ready to get out of here?
Ride around in my Zircalo Mach One?
You're in love with your car.
You would be, too, if you knew how good it felt
to come back to America with a genuine piece
of Russian engineering at your fingertips.
Hearing you talk about Russian engineering excites me.
Ready to feel that motor under your bum?
Okay.
Please go faster!
This is the true meaning of freedom!
That's right, it is!
This is how they all drive in Russia!
You should've seen it.
They don't have our conservative weak American perspective.
[woman] Your views are so new, and so radical!
Radical is right!
Baby, I'm alive!
This is what life is all about!
Driving with a beautiful girl,
foreign machinery under our rumps,
feeling reckless and wild!
What better way to express that than by conquering
these roads at dangerous speeds!
[Jeffrey] Of course I'm going to conquer them
at dangerous speeds, you dummy!
Ooh, yeah!
Watch me go!
Death to slowness!
Now watch this!
-I fear not death! -Jeffrey!
[honking]
[tires squeal, screaming]
[siren wailing]
[Man] There's no hope for him. How's she doing?
Not dead yet. Does she smell like vodka to you?
Gasoline, motor oil, and vodka?
[doctor] They must have been drinking.
I also detect a strong odor of field labor,
-overseen by a wet dog. -[nurse] How strange.
Wait... wait, her vital signs, they're... they're increasing.
[Russian narrator] Whether this relationship would prove to be
parasitic or symbiotic, we did not know.
All we could be sure of was that
in giving the formerly deceased animal a second life,
our technology created
an organic link between the two.
[doctor] Her heart rate is rising!
Wow, these cutting edge state of the art
Russian tools we received really do the trick.
What do they call it? An autojector?
[nurse] That U.S. produced garbage could never have handled
anything this severe.
[doctor] Thank you for sourcing these machines
and ordering them express from Moscow.
[nurse] I didn't order them.
I thought you ordered them.
[doctor] Not that I recall.
Oh, well, I'm sure their origins are benign,
and not worth questioning.
[nurse] Doctor, it's a miracle.
Her heart rate, it's back to normal.
[doctor] Her brother is in the waiting room,
sucking his thumb. Tell him...
she'll be ready to go home in 10 minutes.
Wait, doctor. There's... most unusual.
This woman... is pregnant!
[doctor] She is?
Good thing our autojector saved her life.
She owes her life and the life of her unborn child
to advanced Russian science.
She will always be indebted to them.
[woman] I feel so much better.
That was a real brush with death.
Yeah, well that's what you get for palling around
with scum like Jeffrey.
Nothing to worry about now, though,
now that he's no longer alive.
Did you hear that?
Does it sound like the car is saying something?
You sound like you need rest.
There's, of course, no way this car is communicating with you.
[woman] You're probably right.
It just feels like something has changed inside me.
My face, as they rebuilt it, is the same, but...
my mind feels different.
Uh-huh.
[woman] I didn't know it then,
but inside me was life. Your life, my daughter.
I had no idea how it happened, but
after Jeffrey's Zircalo Mach One nearly killed me,
and that autojector rejuvenated me,
I now carry within my womb a terrible secret.
I can never prove it,
but I know that I too died in Jeffrey's Russian car,
and I know that those doctors brought me back to life.
And one day, my cursed, tragic child,
you may be faced with the lingering effects
of this horrible, inexplicable incident.
If the day should ever come,
you must do what I could not:
run away.
Leave your family at once.
You will be endangering them if you stay.
My greatest shame, the great tragedy of my life,
all because of that car.
My daughter... will you, or God,
ever forgive me?
There you have it, little one.
Look at that dog. Look at her.
Like your grandmother, this dog too was once dead.
But now lives again and speaks to us.
Our souls are linked.
Death is no longer the end.
It is but a step in the journey of evolving beyond anything
you can comprehend.
Oh, okay.
Your family was the first in America to know
the cruel fate devised in our laboratories.
Your mother was conceived at the moment of impact.
Your mother learned the truth, and could not live knowing
that you would be in danger.
But her sacrifice was for nothing.
We already sought the grandson of our first rejuvenation,
and declare him prophet Herbie.
It is all so simple.
Together, nothing can stop us.
We are one now: car, machine, dog, boy.
I want to bear witness to the unending chaos
you shall unleash upon the world.
It's within me.
My bones, my blood!
Easy there, little one.
For once you offer yourself to the process,
you will sacrifice your own humanity.
And that can never be recovered.
I accept this. My family destiny.
Then it shall be done.
It's so easy. I want to help
feed grist to the mill of our Soviet automobile overlords!
[Boris] We accept this fealty.
Your mother shall be returned to you.
We have found her car. We control it.
We are sending her home as a treat
for your undying pledge to our cause.
You are the messiah in our plan of world domination.
Together, nothing will stand in our way.
Bask in your role in the demise of
the human race as you know it,
and conversion of mankind and canines
into pawns for the automechanical takeover
we have long planned.
[Marushka] This is but a taste of the carnage and death
we together shall let loose.
[Boris] The canine, it all began with a canine.
It was the key to unlocking everything.
If only you humans hadn't meddled in the natural order.
You brought this upon yourselves.
How you will rue the day
that machines were used to restore life
to that which had perished.
How are you feeling, son?
[yawns]
I never slept better in my life.
Great news! It's your mother.
She's home! She's alive.
Odd, I had a dream about her.
And Grandma.
She's sleeping now, but it's the damndest thing.
I swear she smells strongly of dander and expensive vodka.
Sounds refreshing.
No matter. This is a wonderful outcome.
All right with me, Dad.
Unexpected, but positive.
-Indeed. -Whatever.
Let's go out to get some of her favorite foods.
She's asked for borscht, blini, and shchi,
like from old country.
Oh, boy! Can Marushka come, too?
Of course. She is one of us.
[Marushka barking, old Herbie laughing]
[young Herbie] Oh, boy.
Enter the Zircalo, my son.
[Marushka] Yes, step inside me.
Allow yourself to be slowly digested
by my oil and petrol sacs.
[young Herbie, thinking] Being inside this machine
fills me with unspeakable power,
as though I understand its thoughts and feelings.
Soon, I will exit the form of this body
and begin my transfiguration into the next stage
of human and automechanical evolution.
This is my destiny, sealed that day
Grandma's beau came home to America
with that Russian auto.
For I see now.
I am the messiah of the oncoming war
between machines and living organisms.
I am the one who will lead the fight.
This vision of a future that cannot be avoided
will haunt me every day of my life
until the time comes when blood and motor oil will be spilled
in equal measure in the streets.
Red and black merged into one life force.
I never want to leave this car.
[old Herbie] Now that's the spirit.
Hurray for little Herbie,
and hurray for this car.
[woman] May he be crushed to death
by cold steel and concrete.
This cursed bloodline must end.
There you have it. Incontrovertible proof
of the dangers of importing reanimated canine corpses
that can communicate with machinery and motor vehicles
from behind the Iron Curtain.
This is obviously the single biggest threat
to our American way of life.
So, if you see a little Herbie
or any child like him,
inside a Russian Automechanical killing vehicle,
do us all a favor.
Do your children and their children a favor:
do not hesitate to kill them.
It may already be too late.
Save us, all of us,
from evil.