♪ One, two, three, four! ♪
♪ Ooh, 'cause all we are Is all we'll ever be ♪
♪ And there's nothing We can do but make believe ♪
♪ 'Cause all we are... ♪
Bye, Mack.
♪ Is all we'll ever be ♪
Mack, sweetie,
don't you want to keep playing with the other kids?
Nah. They all ride too fast.
I don't like to go that fast.
Me neither, kid. Me neither.
♪ And I'm working Overtime again ♪
Life goes fast enough as it is.
I got it. This is the one. This is the one. Do you love it?
-I love it! -You love it.
♪ I'm gonna pretend That it's not all fake ♪
♪ While sticking my head In an easy bake ♪
♪ And tossing the pills They'll make me take ♪
♪ If I don't smile 'Cause I feel ♪
♪ Broke is hard to fix ♪
♪ Saying, where'd we Lose the kid? ♪
♪ La, la, la ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ 'Cause all we are Is all we'll ever be ♪
Oh, you chickens wouldn't mind scooching in a smidge
for an old gal, would you?
Huh?
I grew up always feeling like I was an older woman
trapped in the body of a little girl.
I think that's why I was so fond of the term "old gal."
I was raised by my grandma.
And she was the coolest "old gal"
I ever knew.
Whenever I told her that, she'd say...
Well, that's because I'm old.
I got less time to live, so I got less flips to give.
All I wanted was to be like Grammie Martin.
But, like any kid, I had to fit in.
♪ Make believe is all we are ♪
Over the years...
...I got better at hiding
what I thought was cool,
and getting into what my friends thought was cool.
And you know what? It worked out pretty well.
I wrote a book...
...and people liked it.
And I liked being invited to the party.
And even though I didn't always know
what to do with myself,
I surrounded myself with people who did.
And I did my darnedest
to keep my inner old gal to myself.
♪ Make believe is all we are ♪
♪ La ♪
♪ La, la ♪
Um, hello, are you listening to me?
I said, maybe, you should write a short story
about the time I projectile-vomited
into the Chex Mix bowl at junior prom.
- I think it's a good story.
Uh, yeah. I'll, uh, I'll think about it.
I actually, um, I called to see what, uh,
Little Brown said about my proposal?
They rejected it, which is so unfair.
Oh. Okay.
Listen, I can't get you an advance
on a book right now, and I don't know...
why you'd want to waste your time writing one, okay?
No one reads
anymore.
Isn't like every Barnes and Noble
an Eataly now?
What I can do is, I can make some calls
and I can keep getting you minor branding opportunities
so you don't feel like a total sham,
calling yourself a writer, every time someone asks
what you do at parties.
Well, thank you for investing in my talent.
Was that sarcasm?
Mack, just remember,
if you're not getting paid for something, it's a hobby.
And hobbies are disgusting.
Got it.
I love you, baby. Bye.
Okay.
Blankets.
-Good morning, girls! -Hi, Mrs. Coletti.
Come to do a little shopping at Sharon's Vineyard?
Yes. And as I told you,
that joke's only funny if your name's Martha.
Well, I think it works.
Take whatever you like.
Thank you. Love you.
I could have actually done this shopping.
It is your bachelorette party.
But when I put you in charge of my 21st,
we ended up with a tableful
of different flavors of schnapps.
Whatever. That was a super fun spread!
Okay.
-What's wrong? -Oh, nothing.
Just posting for socks, because that's what I do.
Had a very enlightening conversation this morning
with my agent, who informed me, in no uncertain terms,
that I am essentially no longer a writer.
So, you know.
Instagram doesn't define you. Instagram just pays the bills.
-Okay? -Ugh! I know. I know.
I-- I just need to write a book. Another book.
-I'm gonna write another one. -You should.
Mama, we're leaving.
Have fun, girls. Enjoy the house.
You have no idea how many yarn stores
I had to take Betty to for her to let you gals use it.
Yarn stores?
So, see you back here Sunday for the shower.
- Thanks, Mrs. C. - Indeed.
Mack,
-get that hair out of your face. -Ooh.
How does she do that?
This...
This.
Hey. Hey, there you are.
Here I am. My house. Hanging out.
Packing up.
Yeah.
Oh, Cheesy! Hey.
Hi, buddy. Yes, come.
Yes. Hello. Oh, whoops.
Oh, Cheese-- Cheesy!
God, I am so sorry. I'll, um--
-It's-- -Ugh!
I'm so sorry. I promise I'll replace them.
No! You-- you... you can't.
They're limited editions.
Oh.
Yeah, and I've already worn them twice,
so, really, what am I gonna get out of them
-at this point, right? -Well, again,
so sorry about that.
So, um, anyway, each day's food is in these little baggies,
so half in the morning, then half at night.
Every day and night.
Yeah. Uh, I'll be able to figure out how to--
- how to feed the dog. - Right. Cool.
Wow, crazy plans this weekend?
Uh, yeah!
It's my best friend's bachelorette
in Palm Springs. I mean, it's gonna be wild.
Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool.
Uh, well, if you're looking for something
a little more low-key, I like to every now and again,
just go for a rip around the neighborhood
on my longboard,
and if you wanted, maybe, you could come with, some time.
Maybe.
Whelp!
I think that's everything.
-Great. -Thank you, Jack.
No problem, Mack.
-Awesome. -Yeah.
All right. See you later, Cheesy.
♪ Shake it, shake it, shake it l Like a earthquake ♪
♪ All around Like it's my birthday ♪
♪ Put it work, fucking put it work ♪
Sorry.
Found it! So, it was under the seat.
So, you said that he wanted to go skateboarding with you?
Well, I think that's definite proof
that Hot Dog-Sitter Guy is completely obsessed with you.
Oh, my God. Why won't you give this hot man what he wants?
I don't know. I mean, he comes off like a total Lothario.
-I'm sorry, what? -Who?
Lothario?
-You know, Lothario. -What is that?
- Oh, you know-- - Thank you.
Lothario.
- Lothario? What is that? - I don't know.
-I don't know what that means. -A playa.
-Guys! -Woohoo!
Okay, back to the SAT word.
Uh. I can't date my neighbor. I can't do it.
Um, no one said "date."
No, I didn't hear that. I didn't hear date.
Mm-mm. Cheers.
Cheers.
Okay, wait, can we look up his socials real quick?
-Yes, what is it? What is it? -Oh, that's the thing.
-He doesn't do social. -Oh, hey, that's not good.
-Mm-mm. -Right? That's what I said.
How do we know he's not a stalker tracking you?
Working for the NSA? Working for the government?
CAA?
- FDA? - Yeah, weird.
Like, just so we're clear, you're prejudging him
based on what he shows to the world
without entertaining the idea
that there could be something more?
- I see you. - Loth-- Lothario.
Careful with your drinks, ladies.
Betty's precious about her carpet.
- Carpet? - Yeah.
Fucking no. Carpets, ew.
I can't stay in a place with carpets.
I stand corrected.
Okay. I bet our Betty puts some parties in here.
- I bet our Betty did. - Oh, for sure.
Oh, Betty, my God. I'm in love with you.
Is she single?
Oh, my God. It's like as if there's a filter in here.
This weekend is
going to be sick!
I'm getting married.
♪ Shake it, shake it Shake it like a earthquake ♪
♪ All around like It's my birthday ♪
Oh, shit! We got it all
over Betty's carpet.
No, just leave it there,
and put the broken glass on the side.
Oh, my God.
Okay, let's go. I'll meet you outside.
Oh, my God.
They're gorgeous.
They're all...
...so gorgeous.
Hello.
Let's see.
There she is.
Mack, where the freak are you?
-We're at the bar already. -Uh, nothing. Nowhere.
Okay, well, get your cutie little booty tooty
out to the bar. We're doing shots!
Yeah. I feel like if I got my tonsils out,
I would just, like, want to put them in a jar.
Ready?
Yeah, me, too.
Oh.
- No. - You--
Okay. So, um... ...just so you're aware,
it is our best bebe's bachelorette bridal brunch,
and you best come correct.
And, at the moment, you're very incorrect.
Oh. Well, I'm not ready-ready.
You know, I wa-- I was saying, are you guys ready?
I would say one, two, three,
-yeah, we're ready. -No problem.
- Okay. - Okay. Great.
Just go get something out of my suitcase.
Okay.
♪ I know I'm hot ♪
♪ But I stay on My cool hot, hot, hot ♪
♪ I keep it hot, hot, hot ♪
♪ I know I'm hot But I stay on my cool ♪
♪ Hot, hot, hot ♪
♪ I keep it hot, hot, hot ♪
♪ I know I'm hot But I stay on my cool ♪
Why aren't we over there?
-Where? -There.
I mean, look at them. They've got it figured out,
those women. You know, just eating toast
and laughing.
I wanna be like them.
Just sitting around and falling asleep
till someone comes and shakes me awake and tells me
it's time to go to sleep somewhere else.
We need to know. We need to know.
But we are gonna do what you want.
Whatever you want.
I am, uh, really excited for this weekend!
Carla, you're up. Party of four?
Oh, Carla. That's me. I mean, no. It's not me.
- It's us. I mean her. - She's getting married!
♪ Make you come alive ♪
♪ Listen to my eyes ♪
♪ Check it out, it's all good ♪
♪ I will go around And use magic ♪
♪ Dances in the music In sonic flashes ♪
♪ Look like a honeymoon Night in Paris ♪
♪ Gotta get yours ♪
♪ Get more ♪
♪ Do what makes you feel good ♪
♪ Blow up the bass ♪
What's up? I'm getting married.
♪ Blow up the bass Blow up the bass ♪
What? No. Okay, the physical therapist is not overrated.
When you have sex with your physical therapist--
okay, so he's not my all the time, he was my sub.
Okay. He was just, like, your substitute--
Babe, I told you, wear the green ones.
These are not for the desert.
You guys, is anyone else, you know, feeling like...
-...anxious from this heat? -No. I actually love it.
-Oh, shit. -I feel like it's life-giving.
- You guys. - Life-- What?
Bad Bunny is playing a private show
in a walk-in refrigerator behind Ralph's.
Starts in an hour.
Wait. Can... we... ra-lly?
Yes, we ca-a-a-n!
- Meh. - Bah!
-What was that? -What?
What was that
sound that you made with, like, your face and your mouth?
Oh, no. I mean, I'm kidding.
- Okay. - Obviously. I just-- no!
I thought it would be super fun, uh, if we all, um...
take a break.
And lie down.
and, uh, did a-- did a... a past life regression!
- What? - Yeah.
It could be, like, a bachelorette activity.
Mm-hmm. I've done one of these before.
Honestly, truly life-changing.
Saw a lot, but--
Bad Bunny in a refrigerator.
No, it's just, it's crazy. You know, I was--
I was just thinking of pitching a piece
on past-life regressions,
and-- and there's a sign for one right there,
and-- and it kind of feels like, well, a sign.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
You should go do it.
I know this isn't your thing. It's all good. I love you.
- Thank you. - Mm, mm, mm, mm.
We'll just meet back up at the house.
-Okay. -Okay?
Have fun.
Regress and be blessed. Regress and be blessed.
Regress.
Why can't I enjoy a stupid show
in a refrigerator like everyone else?
I mean, I would lie down in a refrigerator.
Hello?
Uh, okay. Did I just step through the looking glass?
What is this?
Uh, hello?
Is anyone here?
Hello?
Welcome. Mm.
Hi. I'm, uh-- oh, I'm here to, um, regress.
Oh, lovely. Do you have an appointment?
-I don't, no, but-- -Oh, no! Uh. Wait, wait, wait.
Please, please don't touch, it-- this is very expensive
equipment from Europe, thank you.
Right, but the sign said
-lie flat. -Yeah, you will, you will.
Just let me check the schedule, okay? We're very busy.
Om!
Om-- oh!
Today is your lucky day, Moonchild.
Mercury must be in Gatorade. I'm normally swamped,
but something just popped open for you, so--
-So, I can just lie flat? -Yeah. Yes.
-Okay. Here. -Oh, ah, but I request
that you pay before undergoing the regression.
Uh, after visiting your other lives,
you may feel disoriented.
I take PayPal, cash, Visa, MasterCard.
Thank you. Let's get you in.
No, I really just need to lie down, so--
Oh, please, please. Lay down, Moonchild.
Yes, there you go.
-Oh, yes. Oh, gosh! -Ah, yes.
- Slide in there. Okay. - I'm sorry.
All right, Moonchild.
Okay, Moonman.
Take a deep breath, relax, and breathe.
Okay, once you are relaxed,
I want you to think about who you are,
who you were, and who you want to be.
Today's intention is to connect with the person you once were.
Life can take you on a winding path
that often moves in both directions.
It's important to remember that time is merely a construct.
Who you are, who you were, who you want to be.
It's all within you at this very moment.
You know what? I-- I--
I, uh-- I don't need the whole spiel.
If you could just let me lay here, that would be great.
Okay, uh, uh, who do you want to be?
-What? -Who do you want to be?
Who do I want to be?
I want to be a person who doesn't, you know,
feel like they have to do every little thing right.
You know, I want to be able to lay down whenever I want to,
not have to wear these tall, tall boots
and walk around like I'm a giraffe.
And I don't want to have to put a filter on every photo
to be deemed attractive by everyone I meet.
And I... I... I don't want to have
to pretend I like kombucha.
I don't. It's disgusting!
And I want to be able to sit anywhere I want to,
lay anywhere I want to,
and I just want to stay home, like,
and not be judged
for being a hermit.
I just want to be my Grammie. I want to be Grammie Martin.
I want to be free to say whatever I want.
I-- I wanna be the women
at the Pancake House eating pancakes!
Who are you?
I don't know! I don't know.
I just...
Who are you deep inside your core? Who are you?
I'm-- I'm a 70-year-old woman,
trapped in the body of a 30-year-old
who really just needs a minute to rest!
Hello? Hello?
Okay.
Oh. Oh.
Ooh.
Ah.
Oh, dear. Ow! Oh.
Oh. Mm-hmm.
What's that guy's name again?
Luca? Oh, my God!
Oh! Oh, my God! No, no. Wait.
What is this? This is--
Oh, my God, no.
Oh. Oh, my God. No.
No, no. Where is that guy? Luca!
Get in here, fix this!
Luca! Luca!
Luca! Will somebody help me?
This is not me! I'm not-- Where am I?
Luca! I'm not me. I'm not me.
I'm old. I'm really not okay. I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Oh, dear.
Oh, these stupid boots.
Oh, ow.
- Oh. Oh, my God. - Please.
Ah! Oh! No! Come on.
Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
What?
You can't be here. I'm very sorry.
If you're on meth, we don't have any.
What? No, no.
I'm not on meth, Carla. It's me.
- Ma'am, I'm serious. - 'Okay, please.
Listen. Listen.
One more move and you get an eyeful of pepper.
-It stings. Trust me. -That is empty.
No, it's not.
Oh, I know that's empty,
because you've had it since college.
How you know that?
Because we bought those pepper sprays together
and we tested them out on each other,
just to make sure that they worked. And--
No, no, but I'm serious!
You're a ghost. Please, ghost. Go away, ghost!
-Carla! -Go away. Go away, ghost.
-Carla! -Go away, ghost.
Carla, I'm not a ghost.
It's me! Mack!
-What? -I don't know what to do.
Something really crazy happened to me in that regression pod,
and I don't even look like me anymore.
But I'm me, okay? The-- Well, look, look. See? See.
That's Mack's jewelry. What did you do with her?
What do you mean? You gave me this bracelet.
Because you said all my other jewelry
looked like I bought it at a Judge Judy estate sale.
Which I said is a good thing because--
Judge Judy rich as hell.
What the hell?!
I don't know what happened to me.
You're my best friend.
-I love you so much. -Okay, okay, okay.
I love you, too.
- Carla? - Carla?
- Oh, God. - Oh, my God!
Then I heard "ghost," and then I...
Oh, my God!
Are you okay? 'Cause we heard screams.
-I heard you literally scream. -Yeah,
just one of Betty's friends.
Hey.
I'll meet you guys there. I wanna change. I feel like--
-Sure, yeah. -Definitely change, for sure.
-Yeah. You guys look hot. -Thank you so much.
-Thanks. You can too. -You can, too.
I'm trying try to get laid.
-Okay. Thank you. -Ooh, yeah!
- Nice meeting the-- you. - Okay, just get us enough seats.
Okay, I want to make sure they're not waiting.
Okay. I need a drink.
Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah.
This like-- it's like I'm me, but I'm not me.
I mean, I'm me way up here. But these things here,
like, I had them. They're not mine.
Mine were like normal size. Ah, this is horrible.
Okay, so what were you thinking about
when he was asking you who you wanted to be?
Well, I was thinking about Grammie Martin,
and about how sick of all the bullshit I am. And--
Okay, so you were thinking about old lady stuff
- and then you turned into one. - Uh-huh.
So, he should be able to turn you back into you.
Oh, God, this is really a nightmare.
My hair is different. It's, like, really weird.
Look at this.
It feels like it's well-coated wire or something.
It's not hair.
Mack, we're going to fix this.
I'm just really tired
and overwhelmed, and I need to rest.
I just don't know how to explain this to you.
But you know what I can feel? I can, like, feel the bones.
We're gonna figure this out.
Yeah. And if we don't, you know,
I'll just lose my friends and my sponsors,
- and I'll just run outta money. - No.
And I'll be one of those old people, you know,
that dies in their apartment and turns into flesh soup
because nobody finds them for weeks.
Okay, I'm not gonna let you turn into flesh soup.
-Really? -Really.
I'm gonna call my mom,
and ask her if we can use Betty's house another few days.
But wait a minute. Whoa! What about your shower?
I'll cancel it. This is a little more important.
No, no, no, I'm sorry. No, you're not going to cancel
anything at all.
I got an idea. Here's what we're gonna do.
You're gonna drive the girls back to LA,
and you just tell them that, I don't know,
some sort of a work thing came up.
Anyway, I will go back into town,
and I will see if I can find him,
and I'll be back in LA in time for your shower.
You don't want me to come with you?
No.
I just think I need to be alone right now.
This is-- Whoo-- a lot to process.
And you're sure there's nothing I can do?
Could you drive me somewhere to rent a car?
-I have a better idea. -Hmm?
Get some rest tonight. I got you.
All right. You look amazing.
I do not. Oh, dear.
Okay, I'll see you at the shower.
- Yeah, wish me luck. - You got this.
Okay.
- Love you. - Love you.
No! Where did he go?
Where did he go?
♪ When we are together ♪
- It's gonna be fine. - ♪ Do I drive you wild ♪
Maybe this is just-- I don't know, what is this,
some sort of a dream? Just a real, like,
terrible dream.
Yeah, well, but still, nevertheless.
Let's just wake up, okay?
Damn it! I don't know what I'm gonna do.
♪ Water's deep But I'm already half in ♪
-Whoa. -Here you go, buddy.
Oh.
Uh, can I help you?
Well, hello. There you go. I'm...
I'm really not, um--
Uh, you know, I'm not Mack's mom.
I'm Mack's, a-- actually I'm Mack's aunt.
And it's her Aunt Rita. Is that...
She didn't tell you, though, about me because,
she-- she knows I'm her aunt.
Anyway, so what we're doing is...
...uh, an-- an apartment swap.
And Mack is using my house as a writer's retreat,
in Scottsdale or-- Yeah, Scottsdale it is.
- Yeah. - Oh, cool.
I didn't know she was writing again.
I-- I really liked her first book.
-You did? -Yeah.
She'd be really flattered if she knew.
But anyway, who cares, right? And--
So, uh, how long are you here for?
Me? Oh.
It's like I'm not really--
I don't know. Right now, I'm not quite sure.
But you know, it'll-- it'll be a while, maybe.
Okay, well.
- Uh, I'm Jack. - Hey.
Welcome to the building.
Uh, I usually take care of Cheese
when Mack's out of town.
Oh, sorry. He's usually a little cuter than this.
No, he's very cute,
but at some--
I don't know why. Doesn't seem to like me.
Maybe it's just because "Rita and Cheese"
doesn't have the same ring to it as "Mack and Cheese."
- "Mack and Cheese." - Right? It's "Mack and Cheese."
That's pretty funny.
That is-- It's so stupid. But it is, it's funny.
Okay, I don't know. I think it's pretty cute.
- Yes. - Yeah.
So, uh, Mack, s-- she didn't, uh, mention me?
She did not mention a dog walker. No.
Oh, oh, okay. Well, I'm-- I mean, I'm also,
-like, a pretty good guy. Yeah. -And you...
- And modest, huh? - Yeah. Well, nice to meet you.
Uh, again, I-- I'm just next door
if-- if you need anything.
Any-- any help with the dog, or-- or whatever.
-Oh. -I'm Jack.
-You're Jack. Good boy. -Later, Cheese.
Thank you, by the way. Got it, and I won't.
- Mm-hmm. - Oh, God.
Whoa.
Wait.
What? This isn't gonna work. It's ridiculous.
Forget it.
♪ Everybody's high On consolation ♪
♪ Everybody's trying to tell ♪
♪ Me what's right for me, yeah ♪
♪ I need a drink And a quick decision ♪
- Oh. Yeah. - Okay.
♪ Now it's up to me Ooh, what will be ♪
♪ She's gone, she's gone ♪
♪ Oh I, oh I ♪
♪ I better learn How to face it ♪
♪ She's gone She's gone, oh I, oh I ♪
♪ I'd pay the devil To replace her ♪
♪ She's gone, she's gone ♪
-♪ Oh why, what went wrong? ♪ -Okay.
Yes.
♪ Get up in the morning, Look in the mirror ♪
Oh, God. I love that.
[What about this? With this, okay.
♪ I'm worn as a toothbrush... ♪
♪ In the stand ♪
♪ My face ain't looking Any younger ♪
Oh, dear. Oh.
♪ Now I can see love's Taken a toll on me ♪
Well? Mm.
♪ She's gone She's gone, oh, I, oh, I ♪
All right. I'm gonna make this-- I'm gonna make this work.
♪ She's gone She's gone, oh, I, oh, I ♪
Oh.
-You cut your hair. -Oh, I know. I had to.
It-- it felt so weird.
-Do you think? -This is very weird,
but you look amazing.
-No. Come on. -Okay, we're gonna do this.
-Okay. -Yeah. Ladies.
Oh.
Um, this is Mack's Auntie Rita.
- Oh. Hi. - And, um,
these are the ladies from my mom's wine club.
-Oh. -Carol.
-Nice to meet you. -Betty.
-Hi. -Hey.
- Hey, Betty. - Angela.
- Fabulous. All of it. - Oh, oh.
Doesn't she look so cute? And that's my mom, Sharon.
- She does. - Oh, nice to meet you, Rita.
Where's Mack?
She's doing the writing retreat in Scottsdale.
-We talk-- I told you. -Oh. Mm-hmm.
Oh, odd timing.
But I'm glad she's writing again.
-Mm-hmm. -Yes. Thank you.
Auntie Rita. Can I talk to you for a second?
-I want to show you something. -Of course.
I wanna just-- I wanna show her something.
-Yes. Show me. -We'll be right back.
We'll be here. Oh, I love that outfit...
It was like he was never even there.
We're-- We're gonna find him. We're gonna--
In all truth, you should be focusing
on your wedding, Carla.
Please, girl.
Like she's gonna let me do anything I want wedding-wise.
And this is for me.
How are we supposed to grow old on the French Riviera
if you're 50 years ahead of me?
Ladies, can you come over and sit down?
We've already started opening the presents.
I did it. I--
- I don't like to wait. - Oh.
Sorry about this. Betty's in a race.
She's so old that every second counts.
Oh. What do you have there, Betty?
What-- what do we have there?
Wait till you see.
So, Rita, what would you like to drink?
Wine? Would you like red or white?
-Oh, red wine with ice cubes. -Oh, great answer.
You know, I love a woman who knows what she likes.
A woman
who knows what she likes.
So, how often, I'm just curious,
do you ladies meet for your wine club?
Every day.
-Oh, at least. -And, uh, nights, too.
-Oh. -A lot.
Sometimes we spend the weekend.
Oh, here you go.
-Oh. Thank you. -Oh, there you go.
So, if you're gonna be in town for a while,
you really should join us.
I mean, we really need someone to help us get through
the garishly large wine cellar my ex-wife left me,
you know, before she died.
Don't call Mama Tina your ex-wife.
Well, you told me not to call her my dead wife.
And don't call her Mama Tina.
Make me sound like I was married to a spaghetti sauce legacy.
Let the girl call her Mama Tina.
-No, she will not. -Oh.
See, Rita. This is my house, my rules.
I say what I want, and I do what I want.
And people that don't like it, they know where the door is.
I've got a door back there, too.
Please, please, God.
Okay. What do you have there, Betty?
-Carla. -I'm getting another one.
Carla, I'm gonna keep this one.
It belongs on your side table.
Okay, who is this from?
Wow, I love the wrapping.
There's nothing there.
No, there's nothing there.
Look and see. You would agree with me.
Damn thing.
We gonna do this.
I need you to have positive thought.
You're gonna visualize your boobs are higher,
your hair is softer. You don't use the word "rest."
Carla, you gotta get me out of this thing.
I'm freezing!
♪ I see in black and white ♪
Where are you?
Did it work? Did it work?
Okay. Let's keep it going.
- What do you mean, another one? - Keep it going?
This is my go-to for a total body reset.
Oh, okay. Thank--
No! No, no. No.
-Women should be remembered... -Luca.
-I know, I-- I-- -Mm-hmm.
Hi, excuse me. Do you know anyone by the name of Luca?
Get outta here.
-Oh, we're never gonna find him. -Yes, we are.
♪ I wanna stay a classic girl ♪
♪ So, I'm making my place In the modern world ♪
The most
effective anti-aging treatment--
I know you're there. I heard you make a fear noise.
Coming. Coming.
-Are you sick? -No.
Weird. You sound weird. Your voice is, like, drier or--
Uh. Yeah, well, yeah. It's-- I'm very thirsty.
So, that's it, probably, yeah.
Anyway, what do you want?
Okay, well, I'm calling to confirm you
for the All-Bodies Pilates thing.
The-- I don't even know. The All-what?
What is wrong with you?
You are scheduled to cover the Pilates event today.
A job, may I remind you is a gift to you.
You're welcome.
- Just remember, post pictures. - Post pictures.
If people see you at a party, they will think you're fun.
They don't have to be of you, just post pictures
of, like, the swag or, like, people's butts.
I don't care.
Just make sure you hashtag #AllBodiesCanDoPilates
- on the post. - Pilates! Got it.
Okay? Bye.
As a facelift implant with no side effects.
Before you begin...
I can't believe this.
-Hi. -Good morning.
Hmm.
Okay, oh, excuse me. I have to take a picture of you.
With your arm over ther-- Yes! Oh, good.
That is so-- that's perfect.
Okay. So perfect.
Thank you. So lovely. Oh...
Yeah. Yeah, there it is.
Stun me, woman.
- Oh. - This look is slaying.
Oh, I-- Thank you so much.
-Slay. -Slay. Oh.
Yeah, oh, thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. And, uh--
Do you need any help?
Oh, me? Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, I'm-- Actually, I'm kind of a pro at this.
-A pro? -A pro. That's it.
- Fantastic. - So--
I love having people who know
what they're doing at these things.
-So good. Slay. -Yeah. You're welcome.
Slay. I love that.
Yeah.
Okay, ladies, let's get started.
Whoa! That's not--
I'm gonna be fine. Okay, here I go.
Okay. Okay, get ready.
Stop! No, no. Oh, God! Okay, give me a sec. I got it.
Yeah, I've got it.
Okay, ladies, right foot forward on the hand rests,
left knee down on the carriage, hands in short straps.
Enjoy the stretch.
Yes. Very nice, ladies.
Thumbs up, bicep curls.
Slowly press out into a lunge.
Lift your chest. Inhale.
Open your legs, bend your knee.
♪ Only needed to be someone That you're proud of ♪
- Out, then in. Out, then in. - Whoo!
And lifting up. Straighten that back leg,
and arabesque, and jump.
Whoa! I'm getting it.
- Yeah, yeah. - Beautiful.
- Yeah. - Jump. Yes.
One blue spring, hands in short straps.
Sure.
-Beautiful. -Yeah.
Like a gazelle.
- Beautiful. - Whoa!
Wait, my leg!
Oh! A lit-- Oh, damn. Cute.
-Beautiful. -Yeah.
- Looks great. - Thank you.
Superwomen. All of us.
Ow! How do I get--? How do I get--?
Oh, okay, that's good. Thank you. Oh, my God.
Oh, oh. Oh, my God. Sorry.
All bodies can do Pilates,
but not all bodies should do Pilates, okay?
And let's reset.
Ow. Oh, no.
No. No. I posted that?
No, no, no.
- Hey, Rita. - Oh, hi.
How's it going? How's your face...?
Ah, oh. Yeah, this is-- This--
I-- I tried Pilates, so...
-Nice. I used to do Pilates. -Mm-hmm. You did Pilates?
Yeah. Well, I was doing this thing
where I was trying to encourage my mom to stay active.
So, I told her that I would go with her, um,
but then she bailed and I just
-ended up going all by myself... -Mm-hmm.
...for an entire year,
because I bought her an annual pass
and I hate wasting money.
That is so sweet of you, you know,
to be so invested in your mom's health. It's--
- Uh, yeah, I guess. I try. - Yeah.
-What about you? Look at you. -What about me?
-You're pretty active. Right? -Me?
I mean, not that you couldn't be because of your--
Not to say that you're old.
No, I mean, let's face it. I am.
I mean, it's not an insult. It's just where I'm at. I'm old.
Yeah, that's very cool. I-- I like that outlook a lot.
You're crazy.
Uh, hey, I'm about to head up to the roof
because they're doing one of those mid-month mixers.
-Do you want to come? -No.
No, those things are always full of people
who want to connect, and they want to
talk about LinkedIn,
-and, you know-- -Uh, yes, that is accurate.
There's plenty of people to clown on,
which is arguably, like, half the fun of it.
But also, there's shrimp.
Oh, wait a minute. Are we talking big shrimp?
Oh, yeah. Jumbo shrimp,
like the for sure genetically engineered ones.
-Okay. -Yeah?
-Yeah. -Yeah. All right. Let's go.
Okay. Let's go.
♪ Bossa nova baby Beach house, lazy ♪
♪ Pink shades, rosé Sleepin' all day ♪
♪ We wanna have fun For the summer, yeah ♪
Well, you know, I have never been up here.
Never.
Really? I come up here
probably every night. Yeah, and here's
-what I like to do. -Okay.
So, I'll look out at all the city lights,
and I try to estimate how much the electrical infrastructure
of each building cost to build.
Then, I guess how much money they would save
if they implemented more modern technology.
Wow, you're a real party animal.
Yeah, I mean, I... I used to be, to be honest.
-I used to be. -Really?
I used to go out a ton.
But I hated having to pretend to like it, so I stopped.
And as a result, I hang out by myself a lot.
-Yeah. -Uh, but it's okay.
I-- I like hanging out by myself.
I'm just curious. How does that go into a relationship?
- Not ever good. - No, I mean--
But no, I feel like--
I feel like you understand that, though, right?
Well, you know, obviously,
I'm a woman of a certain age. Have you noticed?
You know, who's had a full spectrum of life experiences,
and just a few relationships.
-Right. Well, to not pretending. -Yeah. Oh, hey, cheers.
Oh!
Wow. Wow. Wow.
No, no. That's not okay.
- Yeah. - No, no.
I'm so sorry. That's mortifying to me.
I'm gonna go get some more shrimp.
- More shrimp. - Shrimp.
More shrimp will solve that problem.
You bet. Jumbo shrimp solves everything.
-Okay. -Oh, well. Uh. More shrimp.
-Yeah, yeah. -More shrimp.
Can I say thanks for the invite, Sharon?
This is so nice.
-Oh, please. -Oh, this is...
No need to coop yourself up in Mack's little apartment
all day, when you have us.
And, honey, we can always use some fresh blood
-in this group. -That's right.
So, Rita. You got a man?
-Oh. -Huh?
You'll have to excuse Betty.
She lost her filter.
-Oh. -I didn't lose anything.
-Oh, yeah? -I just prefer
-to skip the small talk. -That's right.
So, you know, Mack has this neighbor.
-Oh. -Now we're talking.
Oh! What does he do?
Well, I don't-- I don't know. I-- I don't know much.
I guess maybe real estate or something,
or maybe his parents still pay for everything.
-That's a little weird. -Well, who cares what he does?
It's not like you're looking for somebody
to spend the rest of your life with, at this point.
Well, you certainly aren't.
The rest of your life could be the length
of one episode of Ellen.
That's so mean.
-Mm! -I am mean. I am. I am.
-So, Rita? -Huh?
This-- this gentleman caller of yours,
um, is he good-looking?
What do you--? What do you mean? I mean--
Oh-ho! Oh!
Don't look at me like that.
Oh, I know that look. We got a handsome one, girl.
Well, you know, he might--
he might be a little, like, too handsome.
Oh, come on. Yeah.
When has a man ever been too handsome?
I get it. I get it.
Sometimes I wish that Harold were less handsome,
so I wouldn't have to keep up the lie that I'm only 91.
Well, this guy's young.
He's young. He's young.
-Oh, my. -What are you talking, 60?
Oh, my God. I think he's younger.
-Cougar. -Stop! You gotta stop.
I'm not gonna play this game. I'm not interested in him.
-Fifty? -Fifty?
Oh, come on.
Come on. Go, go. Go, go, go, go for it.
The worst that can happen is you wind up with herpes.
-Ah! Oh, my God! -Oh, Jesus!
But once you move into a retirement home,
you're gonna get 'em anyway.
You guys, you know what you are? You're too much.
Okay, I have an eye doctor appointment.
And, um, Rita, would you mind giving me a ride?
Yes, I would like to.
-Okay. -Oh, that's awful nice of you.
Okay, I got it.
-Okay. -Okay.
- Yeah, come back. - Thank you. Oh, my God.
-All right, here we go. -Lock it up tight, girls.
- Yeah. Bye. - All right, we will.
Phew.
You know, we're not going to my eye doctor.
But wait a minute, don't we have an appointment?
Yeah, but what they gonna do about it?
Oh, God. You see, I love that. I could never even do that.
Yes, you could, Rita. You could do it now.
But first, let's do what I want to do.
But I thought I shouldn't do what people tell me to do.
I am an exception.
- Uh-uh. - Because I'm always right.
Woo-hoo.
Mack lives here?
This is a raggedy-ass neighborhood.
Yeah, well, this is the-- the back of the building.
Uh-huh. Well, okay. Let's get these boxes.
-Wait, what are you doing? -Is that his window?
-I thought-- What? -Yes, but--
All right, then we gotta get it on, girl.
No. Wait a second. This is a bo-- don't do that.
Just help me move this. By myself.
Sharon, I think this is beyond the call of duty.
Rita, Rita--
Where am I supposed to put it down?
- Just put it over here. - I'm doing what you--
-What? Wait. -Ooh, I messed up my nice bag!
-We just have to get up. -I don't know. No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Ooh, lord. I think I done pulled my back out.
No, don't pull your back out.
- Let's get this. - Okay.
We're just gonna get up here.
Rita, you need to see what he's doing up in there.
I'm gonna take a look.
No, no, no. No, I'm not looking.
- Typical. He's married. - Sharon. What? He's married?
Ah-ha! Ah-ha!
I knew you were interested.
- I told you. - What? Let me see.
-Oh, there he is. Look. -Okay, that's it.
Don't do that. Don't.
-He's hung. -Oh, no. Oh, no!
Hey, Google, how do you say,
"Roll over, Cheese" in Japanese?
In Japanese, that's, "Chiizu, koro."
What else should I translate?
I see what you mean when you say he's just too good-looking.
But if you ask me, I'd say he's just good-looking enough!
Okay, that is it.
More than a couple red flags there.
And a-- a stupid skateboard? I mean, that's immature.
What? What about it?
He tryin' to hold on to his youth here,
-just like we are. -It's my-- Okay.
And don't tell me that you don't like what you see.
What?
Because he's one of the finest 50-year-old men I ever seen.
Look at him.
Stop it!
No! I don't know about this, Carla, really.
Mushrooms are all about being in the right headspace
before going into them, you know?
So, just think, "30."
But I've never done mushrooms.
Don't they make people nuts, like crazy, or?
Just drink that tea.
Think about changing back.
And just think, you're 30.
I'm 30. We're flirty.
Not dirty. We're 30.
Who's 30?
- Thirty. - You're 30.
- Thirty. - I'm 30.
-We're 30. -Thirty.
Thirty, mm.
Thirty...
Oh... I think. Oh, no, no. I think this...
Yeah. It might be working.
Oh.
Yeah, I think it's working.
Oh, yeah.
♪ Even as a child ♪
Woochi, woochi, woochi.
Woochi, oh, your skin is so supple.
Supple, supple duppy.
♪ No, I just never smiled ♪
♪ But you, you have a glow ♪
♪ A glow from an innocence ♪
Wow, oh, wow.
♪ 'Cause I was never young ♪
Whoo! Is this really happening?
♪ Even as a boy ♪
♪ No, I was never young ♪
Supple, supple duppy guppy.
I'm 30.
Oh, that is so chic.
Tell me more about this.
I'm 30.
Thirty.
I'm going to tell you something.
Our age is but a number, you see.
It is all about what is on the inside of a girl like you.
What is inside you?
I'm 30 on the insides in a new way.
It's like I'm seeing the world, like I'm-- the world of 30s.
I love you. Very chic.
I would like a treat now.
I don't tell lies for no reason.
I am 30. Inside me.
Underneath.
♪ Never young ♪
♪ I was never young ♪
Well, that was super fun.
But guess what? I'm still Rita. Call me.
Clinically proven
and a lifetime warranty.
Time to look your best with younger, more vibrant,
more beautiful skin.
Yeah, no, but I submitted
the article two weeks ago.
And can you just chase down that check for me, please?
Why are you being so assertive?
Oh, my God, you joined Scientology.
What are you-- No!
Whatever, it's fine. I joined.
I got kicked out because I showed Tom Cruise
a boob at a brunch, and I apologized,
so I'm kind of, like, awaiting to hear back
if I'm still in or not.
Anyways, just please post
more of My Glammy Grammie
to your Insta. People are dying for her.
Well, I mean, I-- I can try, okay?
My friend Shelley says
that Rita has the bone structure for bangs.
Let that sink in.
I'm glad they're dying for her, and she's great. I admit it.
But what-- what did you just say?
Just post more of that glamma, okay?
People are talking. Buzz gets scuzz.
I made that up, scuzz is money,
and I think I made up glamma, too.
That's glamourous grandma.
Oh.
- How? - Huh?
-How did you do this? -Oh.
What even is this place?
They have five dresses,
all cool, for my very different bridesmaids.
-Thank you. -You know,
I never told you this,
but Grammie Martin started taking me here
when I was, like, seven or something.
-What? Really? -Yeah.
-Yeah, she did. -You never told me that.
I always thought you were raiding Grandma's closet.
No. No, I was just, I-- I don't know.
I just-- I was kind of embarrassed
to tell you about this place because I thought maybe
you'd think, "Okay, it's dorky"
or something like that.
Since when do you care about seeming cool to me?
This place is the opposite of dorky.
-Look at all this stuff. -Oh, I know.
-Whoo. -Just listen to me for a second.
Just please don't tell anybody about this place, okay,
because I don't want some lame-o coming in here
and taking the good stuff.
- My lips are sealed. - Okay.
Thank you, Macaroon.
- Mack, I love you. - Yeah.
-My real wife. -Yeah.
My wife for life. Okay.
-Oh. Oh, sure, -Let's get the blue.
-yeah. Okay. -I don't know. I might be
-a little... Mm. -Hmm.
Ooh.
-Oh. -Huh?
We're not gonna need the white suit.
Well, we don't, but Aunt Rita. Aunt Rita, she definitely does.
Ah, I love the seashells.
Oh, yeah?
My grammie, she used to let me take a seashell home
every summer vacation. Actually, you know what?
It's not really silly.
I loved trying to hear the ocean inside them when we got home.
Although, you know, quite honestly,
I don't think I could ever really hear it. Could you?
No, I can't. Can't hear the ocean.
I can definitely smell the ocean, but can't hear it.
I don't know why people say that.
Why do people always say that?
Hey, so what are you thinkin' for lunch?
Oh.
Wow. Looking good, Aunt Rita.
Thank you very much.
Now, listen, I know exactly what we're gonna do.
Oh, man, I could really get used to this.
I mean, I'm-- Retirement, I mean, of course.
Yeah. Yeah. Me, too, in a way.
I didn't even know that you worked.
What? What did you think that--
that I was just sitting around doing nothing all day?
-Wait, what? -No, I mean--
Actually? I'll have you know
that I'm a highly sought-after private wealth manager.
-Oh. -Yeah.
Wait, so you just thought that I, like, did nothing?
Well, I mean, you-- you never talk about it, ever.
So, I mean, what am I led to believe?
Yeah, I mean, I guess, it--
it-- it's kind of boring.
You know? And you are so not boring,
so I didn't want to bore you with how boring I am.
-Are you folks ready to order? -Oh.
Oh, yeah. No, listen, I-- I need no time with the menu.
Um, I just love this place and I never even come here
so I don't even know why.
Yeah, me, too!
Okay, I know what I want.
So, what I want is the garlic cream fettuccine, please,
and add bacon.
Wow, I-- I did not realize that I was dealing
with a professional here.
Uh, I'm gonna get the OG barbecue chicken pizza, please.
Fantastic. I'll have that right out for you guys.
Oh, damn it. Oh, shoot.
- Wait a second. - What?
I forgot-- no, never mind. It's nothing.
What? No. What is it? Just ask for it.
No, no, no, no. It's nothing.
Look, here's the truth.
The truth is the bacon needs to be extra crispy-crispy.
Yeah, wow. I could not agree more with you on that.
I'm gonna-- I'm gonna take care of that right now.
-No, you hang tight. -Oh. Oh, no, sit--
Let me see what kind of magic I can do.
Where are you?
I'm at a lunch, Stephanie,
and actually, I can't really talk right now, okay?
Listen, I just wanted
to say that we're getting some interesting offers for Rita.
-Really? -They're mostly, like,
sensible adult women's wear companies...
-I mean-- -...but they're offering
real money.
She could really make a lot of money, right?
I mean, enough that she could actually, like--
Whatever! I don't need to hear her whole life's journey, Mack.
Okay, just make sure she posts more pictures.
- Okay. - And have her make
her own account. The woman is regal.
Hah! Regal!
Wow.
Hi, sorry to bother you.
It's not a bother. Not at all. No--
Sorry. I was just sitting over there,
and you guys seem to be having such a good time.
You're obviously very funny.
Oh, I don't know about that. I am? I don't--
Your son must get it from you. He seems so funny, too.
I love funny. Is he single? Is he? Is he single?
No, no, no.
You see, he's actually, he's-- he's not my son.
Oh. O-- Oh!
- Oh. Damn. Okay. - Yeah.
Damn. All right.
- I see you. - We're just--
we're friends. We're just friends. Just friends.
Oh, whoa, whoa.
Well, well, well.
A magician at work.
Per the gentleman's request.
Oh, not bad, right?
Yeah. Um...
- Yeah. - Quick problem,
that-- that's mine.
So, we should, yeah-- we'll just tradesies.
Oh, oh. Of course. I mean, I don't know what I'm thinking.
Yeah.
-Oh. -Okay.
-Whoo. Yeah. -Here you go.
Thanks again.
Yeah.
Bon appétit.
-You gonna eat that bacon? -Yeah, me?
-Get a little bit of this-- -Yeah, dig in.
Oh, my God.
Oh, you have to taste this, ladies.
I made it myself.
-Oh, did you rush? -No, I took my time.
No, no, I mean--
I'm sorry. Your shirt.
Oh.
It's my granddaughter's.
Oh, that's sweet.
She didn't want it, and I never say no to a free T-shirt.
Hey, what is your granddaughter's name?
Cindy Carpenter.
- Cindy Carpenter. - Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh. - What's she doin'?
Boom.
- See? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
-That's it. That's it. -Is it?
-Yeah, that's right. -Right?
There she is, right there.
-Let me see. -All right.
-Oh, yeah. Yeah, look. -Oh.
-Sweet face! Sweet. -Yep.
You know, while you guys have been
fooling around with your pocket computer photo album--
Mm-hmm.
We could be deciding on who's gonna go and get
the next bottle of wine.
You know, these pocket computer photo albums
are actually my job these days.
-What? -I get paid to post pictures.
No. That's-- No, that's not a job.
I mean, I-- I post pictures of my grandbabies
- all the time on my Instagram. - All the time.
I'm just saying that nobody pays me.
Well, you know, it's-- it's kind of a thing now.
- Oh. - Because sometimes
a company will give you money just to post a picture
of yourself enjoying the products.
Oh, oh, is-- is that what, uh, all those hearts are for?
Uh, no, no. Those are my likes. You see?
-Oh, yeah, okay. -Who are all these people?
Yeah, well, most of them are strangers.
You have strangers following you?
- Creepy. - You know what?
That's what I don't understand about social media.
Why do they even care about what you're doing?
I don't know. I guess if you just post something
that resonates with someone, or let's say it's 500 people,
or if you're me these last few weeks--
-Shall I tell you the truth? -Yeah.
- Two hundred thousand people. - What?
Wait, what, what, what, what?
Yeah, two hundred thousand people.
- All right. - Get out of here.
Oh!
It's silly to call it a job-job.
No, no, no, no. I mean, if you--
if you can get a job like that, I'd say good for you, girl.
-You go. -Mm-hmm.
You know, I got an idea.
Let's all get in. Come on. Let's take a picture.
All of us together. Okay, here we go.
-Let me get some followers. -We're gonna get some.
-Raise it up. -Oh, raise it. Raise it!
Don't you think-- Tilt it more? What if I tilt it--
Now make your sexy face.
All right, there. Go.
Yeah-uh.
No, no. I think--
♪ It's hard to share you ♪
-♪ With anyone else ♪ -Oh, what the hell?
Look. Oh, baby.
♪ I want to keep you close Keep you for myself ♪
Oh, oh!
You got it?
- These are-- - Okay.
Okay, you know what? I quit. You can have it.
It's yours. Here. Take it.
-Sushi. Ah! -Whoa!
♪ Somewhere that we can be ♪
♪ As we are, it might be far ♪
Never! No, I'm not kidding!
Don't do that. Stop.
♪ Won't be seen by anyone ♪
♪ Don't be late 'Cause I can't wait ♪
♪ Come on, baby, come on ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
-Oh! Oh, my God. -Whoa! Ow!
No, no. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, my God. No, no.
Knix just slid into my DMs.
They saw my post from the Pilates party,
and, my God, they want me to be a brand ambassador.
Yeah, they said, "We've been looking for..."
"...a fierce, sophisticated woman
to slay on their feed!"
Oh, that sounds pretty dope.
It is. It is so dope! Man!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, wait a minute.
Look what I just-- Oh, oh, wait a minute.
They're-- they're offering 100,000-dollar...
exclusive engagement fee.
-Whoa, 100,000 dollars? -Oh, my God.
You can take half of that into an IRA
and the rest in a simple index fund,
-and you will be sitting pretty. -Whoa!
Surprisingly robust advice
from a man in daytime sweatpants.
Okay. It's a man
whose life strategically allows him to wear
-daytime sweatpants. Thank you. -Oh.
Now please respond to this.
Well, of course. That goes without saying.
-Whoo! -This is very cool, Rita.
So cool. Wow! Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I'm so happy. Yeah.
Oh, dear. Whoo, whoo. Yeah. Wow.
Anyway, do you still want to order, or--?
-Yeah, that's-- yeah. Mm-hmm. -Yeah, that's a good idea.
Yeah, yeah. I'm just gonna go grab my laptop, I'll--
and so we can look together. I'll be right back.
Okay, yep. That's a-- a-- a smart idea.
Smart. Yeah.
Um...
-Honestly, we can just eat... -What?
-...in my car. -No, no, no, no.
No way. No, just watch and learn.
Oh, uh, excuse me. I'm sorry.
But you chickens wouldn't mind scooting over
just a little smidge for an old gal?
Oh, it's so sweet of you.
-Thank you. -Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Oh, my goodness.
Ooh. Ah.
Okay.
I kissed Jack.
Like in one of those for-real, big time--
-What? -Oh, my God.
Carla, I just went for it.
A real, big-time...
...romantically interested kiss.
Stop! Carla, I just kind of said to myself, "You go for it,"
because when have I ever even done that?
Initiate a kiss? It's like a first kiss?
I just don't even do things like that.
Okay. You're not the only one with a surprise.
What do you mean?
Your boy is gonna be downtown this weekend,
-doing a pop-up. -Uh-huh.
Regress and be blessed.
You okay?
Well, yeah. I mean, I'm really good.
I mean, it obviously would be crazy to keep living like this.
Yeah, Mack.
Everything that's happening for you right now
is because you're showing the world who you are, right?
Oh, shit. Oh, God.
Oh, yeah. It's Stephanie.
I gotta get this. I'll be right back.
Hey, listen, I'm kind of in the middle of something,
so can I call you back?
Knix needs Rita
to appear at the Marie Claire Power Summit.
It's a big deal. Santa Monica Beach by the pier.
Friday. They need me to confirm today.
Oh, wow. I mean, that is so cool.
- But what is that anyway? - Oh, I don't know,
just a major event that celebrates the power of women
thrown by a publication you would die to have
your little, stinky pieces run in?
- Oh. - Knix
is a top spons,
and they wanna roll out Rita's ambassadorship with them.
I really can't. I--
I mean, that's the night of Carla's rehearsal dinner.
Yeah, I don't think they really care
if you're there.
I mean, you could go if you want to get a swag bag of,
like, free yoni eggs or something,
but Knix has made it crystal clear
that the event is mandatory for Rita.
So, please make sure she shows.
- Hey. - Hey, nice robe.
Thanks. Wore it home from the spa.
Um, I just don't understand how someone
so handsome, thank you, could be quite so strange.
Well, I was, uh,
in the fifth percentile for weight
-until I was, like, 17, so-- -Oh.
My personality just developed before my looks.
And so that explains everything.
-Yeah. Shall I? -Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yes.
- So, how was your day? - So--
What, uh-- what's going on? You all right?
-You have a rough day or what? -Oh, yeah, I just--
Oh, God. I have to make a big decision
and I just hate making big decisions.
Mm. That's so weird because I love big decisions.
-Hit me. -Okay. I--
So, there's this big Knix partner event
on the same day as Carla's rehearsal dinner.
So, skip the rehearsal dinner.
Well, Jack, I mean, that's a really huge thing to skip.
I've never gotten married before, but if I did,
I don't think that I would care that much
if my best friend's aunt wasn't there.
-I can't miss it. -Okay,
well, then skip the event.
No, but I-- but, you know, then I'll lose my contract.
I'll lose the 100,000 dollars.
Uh, okay. Do you have the contract?
Can I-- can I see the paperwork on it?
-Yeah, no-- -On your phone?
Oh, that-- You don't have to do that.
No, I'm-- I'm very good at this kinda thing.
-Trust me. -Oh. Yeah, no. Okay.
-Yeah. -Sure. Of course.
Okay. It's right-- it's on here.
-Okay. -See, it's right there. Okay.
-Okay. Okay, so... -What?
Uh, this only says that you have to attend the event,
but it doesn't say anything about how long
-you have to stay there for. -Oh, really?
So, why don't you just go to the event,
and then leave early,
and you'll make it in time for the rehearsal dinner.
You know what? This is such a great idea.
-Of course! -You sound surprised.
Well, I'm not surprised.
I mean, you're-- you're very smart.
-I'm smart. -Yes, you are.
Yeah. See, finally some honesty.
I can't help it. I'm sorry.
-Oh, boy. I need some wine. -Yeah.
Oh, excuse me, but, you know, I have to leave early.
But it's not a problem.
Um, hi, hello.
Rita Martin. That's my name. Yes.
Rita, over here.
Is that Rita Martin?
Here, Rita.
♪ Who's scrolling Through my feed? ♪
♪ Who's wishing they were me? ♪
-I am dead. -Whoo! Excuse me!
-Aunt Rita in the flesh. You-- -Yes.
-are so freaking R-E-A-L. -Oh!
My friends and I are huge fans.
-Well, thank you so much. -I'm Sam.
I'm the marketing manager for Knix.
-Oh! -Not to brag,
but I am the one that told my bosses
they had to reach out to you.
Well, thank you. Really? I--
Wow. It's just, I appreciate that so much.
-You've got to come... -Where?
...to the VIP area for Urth.
Oh, oh, well. Earth?
Urth. She's leading the collective breathing seminar
that's closing out the day.
Oh, no. You know, I really-- honestly, I can't do that.
-Thank you so much. -You crack me up.
-Come on. Come on. -Yeah, oh, what do you mean?
-Oh. -You know,
I was one of the 10,000 to unfollow Lil' Yachty
after he commented that your sweater was too loose.
-What was that? -Oh.
Oh, I don't know. You know, he's obsessed with me.
-It's honestly kind of weird. -Well, so am I.
So, anyway, just enjoy the event, and I'm just gonna
capture some video of you in your natural habitat.
-Okay? -Okay, but wait, wait.
I want to thank you for this offer, of course...
-Yeah, you bet. -...but just one quick thing.
-Hmm? -Um, I have my best friend's
rehearsal dinner tonight. So, actually, I'm--
I'm gonna have to leave now.
-I totally hear you... -So, anyway--
...but if you could just
stick around for a few more minutes, okay?
We're gonna be streaming this on Instagram Live,
and I want to make sure that you are front and center.
Yeah, oh. Oh, but, you see,
that's the opposite of what I said I wanted to do.
-Mm. Yeah. Mm. -Uh-huh.
But it's just, we have to make sure that our new partners
are familiar with our followers.
-Uh-huh. I see-- -That's how it works.
I've seen some incredible partners lose contracts...
-Yeah, but-- -...just because the fans
-don't see them as friends. -Oh.
So, no pressure, you know, but make it organic, you know?
Have your own experience and--
and we are looking to create some moments here.
-So, energy up! Big smiles. -Well-- Wait, what?
Rah-rah-rah! Yeah.
All right, my warriors.
Who's ready to find their light?
Oh, my warriors.
I want you to repeat after me.
For us!
Okay. For us!
For you! For me!
Let me hear you!
For us!
For you!
For me!
For us!
For you!
- Yeah. - For me! Oh, yes.
Your chanting, it nourishes my soul.
-Ah! -We are not here to work out
our abs or our glutes or our triceps. No.
We are here to work on our souls.
Our soul!
Ho-ho.
We did not come here to exercise our bodies.
No.
We came here to exploresize our demons!
- For me! - Let me hear you!
For us! For you!
For me!
Oh, yes! I feel it.
I feel it, you are powerful. Oh!
That is a warrior right there!
-Huh? -Yes. Come on up here.
- Really? - Come on. Come on, yes!
Come on up here! Yes, warrior!
Yes! Oh! Yes!
I am a warrior.
I am a warrior!
Yes! Yes!
Squat and feel it, yeah!
No!
-You're on fire! -On fire!
Everybody, let's not panic. Let's just grab a buddy.
Everybody calm down!
Everybody, it's gonna be good! We're gonna be okay.
Everybody just-- just--
Yeah. That-- Move in that direction.
Are you all right? I'm so sorry.
I-- I think you should--
Help!
Carla, Carla, it's me. I'm almost there.
I'm really, I'm-- I'm-- Quite frankly, I'm there.
Really. I mean--
So, we'll see you guys tomorrow.
- Love you. - Carla?
Carla. Oh!
-Are you okay? -I--
I just, I got stuck at that Marie Claire thing,
and, you know, it's the kind of situation
where you just don't know what you can say no
to and-- and what you can't.
And I set myself on fire. I know. It's crazy.
I'm not gonna lie, Mack.
I'm really, really bummed you didn't make it tonight.
You missed my rehearsal dinner for an influencer event?
-You're my maid of honor. -I-- I know. I--
You've been my best friend my whole life.
And I've loved every single version of you.
But right now, Mack, Rita, whatever,
I don't recognize the person standing in front of me.
And it has nothing to do with what you look like.
I'm-- I'm so sorry, Carla.
The one thing we've always done for one another is show up.
You didn't do that tonight. And it just really makes me sad.
Oh, God.
I don't know what I'm doing half the time.
Hey, thought I'd find you up here.
-Is everything okay? -Oh.
Yeah.
-Hey. -What?
Rita, look at me.
- Please, Jack. - Whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey, hey. No. It's okay. It's okay.
Look, you don't have to be embarrassed in front of me.
- No. - Here, here.
Thank you. I'm sorry.
I'm just so really frustrated with who I am right now.
Because I haven't always been like this, Jack, you see.
You know, I thought, like, being in a different place,
you know, it'd help me feel better.
You know, it'd help me be a better person.
But today, I was worse, just-- I was a bad friend.
It just sounds like you had a really bad day,
but that doesn't make you a bad person.
-Jack-- -No, you are one
of the best people that I've ever met.
Why? Why are you being so nice to me?
Why? Huh?
-Don't do that. -Because I like you.
What's the matter with you anyway? Huh?
I mean, you want, like, a full list?
No, no, I'm really serious.
You spent the past month hanging out with an old lady
like she's your girlfriend or something.
What are you trying to avoid, Jack?
Nothing.
Listen, I know that my life doesn't look like
what you think a 40-year-old's life should look like,
but I love it.
And I have done enough therapy to know that I like myself.
And when I met you, I saw someone who was comfortable
being exactly who they are. And I know that--
you know, you're not going to be here forever.
You've got your own life to go back to.
Exactly. I have a life, Jack.
And I've lost sight of who I really am.
Do you understand what I mean?
I mean, I can't really stay here.
I just can't stay here, Jack. I can't do that anymore.
Wha-oh!
You wanna tell us what's going on...
Mack?
Well, I need a refill. Anyone else?
Yeah. If what you just said is true,
I cannot possibly tell you how stupid you sound.
-Nobody wants to be old. -No, no. Sure they do.
Yes.
My grammie used to always say this thing about, like,
how when you're old, you get the best seat at the table.
Oh, you get any seat at the table,
because people know your bones hurt.
You get the best seat at the table
because you realize what you want and don't want.
And maybe the best seat at the table
is in the other damn room, where you're 30.
Right.
Rita, I-- I mean Mack. You know those 30 years
you skipped so that you could, uh, maybe wear, uh,
elastic waistbands and, uh, whatever?
Those are the good years. Those are the you years.
And you really don't want to skip those.
- Nuh-uh. - The 30 after that,
they're good, too. But, oh, those middle years...
Oh, man. Mwah!
It's not magic, sweetheart.
-It's just work. -Oh.
You? You had to work on yourself?
Oh.
I was married to a man named Steve.
And then I spent my middle age building a home
with a woman named Tina, so...
- Tina. - Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I did some work. Mack, sweetheart,
you didn't want to be old. What you wanted was to be you.
Mm-hmm.
- I gotta go, okay? - You got to go.
- You go, girl. - Yeah.
You girls lock it up on your way out, okay?
And get that hair out of your face.
I'm trying.
-Okay, now I'll have some more. -Oh, yeah, baby.
Oh, yeah, right. Okay. Wow.
Okay. Okay, hell. Okay.
Luca! Luca!
Where are you, you son of a bitch?
Luca! Luca!
Luca! Lu-- oh!
-Do you have an appointment? -No. No, Luca.
I don't have an appointment, Luca.
Okay, you're coming in with a lot of energy.
-We don't really do that here. -Uh-huh. Really?
You didn't turn me into this?
I happen to be a 30-year-old woman...
-Keep it down. -...and this is not my face!
-Mm. -And this is not my hair.
And guess what? This is not my body!
Okay, look, lady. I don't know what drugs
-you're on right now-- -You did this to me!
but this is an old broken tanning bed
I got off Craigslist. It doesn't do anything, okay?
But wait a second, sir.
In Palm Springs, I laid down in that pod,
and when I came out, I was in this body.
Okay, I'm gonna go get you a cup of water. Maybe--
No, no, no! Don't you dare!
You get over here. You open
that tin can up right now.
-All right. -Yes!
All right. Stop yelling at me. Jesus.
What?
- Just get in. It's-- - Oh. Oh, my God.
Go.
Okay.
I'm sorry I yelled at you, lady.
That-- that was not very Zen of me.
Come on. Work, okay? Work!
It's okay. Just calm down.
Relax. Breathe.
You're not saying your whole spiel.
Please just say it.
-Please. -Think about who you are.
Come on.
-Think about who you wanna be. -Work, damn it! Work.
Come on.
Life can take you on a winding path
that often moves in both directions.
Come on!
It's important to remember that...
- Okay. - ...time is merely a construct.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Who you are...
...who you were...
Who you're going to be...
It's all within you at this very moment.
Oh, yes.
Yes! Yes! Oh, I missed you. I missed you.
Oh, my God. Hah!
Whoa!
Oh!
This thing...
Yes!
Oh.
Oh, my God.
I'm back. I'm back.
Thank you. Thank you.
-Thank you. Thank you so much. -What just happened?
I know. It's crazy!
I need to go. I have to go.
Thank you!
You're welcome.
Carla!
-Oh! -Oh!
Don't cry.
She's happy.
- Well-- - I'm gonna cry.
Don't cry. You're getting married.
Oh, my God. You look so beautiful.
-Oh, my gosh. -I kinda miss the gray.
I know. Me, too.
Oh, it's so good
to see you, sweetheart.
Hi!
I thought you were dead!
Go change.
Yes. 'Cause you are wearing white
and jeans at a wedding, and that's crazy.
Close your mouth, honey.
We did it.
Ooh, ooh, yeah.
Oh! Uh, hey.
-Hey. -Hey. Uh--
Whoo, sorry. Hey, you.
I'm sorry. It is-- it's weird
that I'm here right now.
I-- I realize that.
I just-- I didn't know if Rita-- She's-- she's gone.
Oh, yeah. We swapped back.
Apartments, which is what we swapped in the first place.
So, yeah, she's in, uh, Scottsdale.
Seriously? I never even got to say goodbye.
We, um-- Yeah, we just kind of were hanging out
while she was staying here.
Oh? Hanging out?
Well, we just both had nothing to do,
so we did nothing together.
She's, um, really not like anyone I've ever met before.
Well... ...for what it's worth,
she told me that you were really cool, too.
Maybe a little too old for a skateboard.
She said that? I--
I mean, the-- the first thing, about being cool?
Because I knew how she felt about my skateboard.
Yeah. She did.
Cool.
You think she's ever coming back?
Someday, maybe.
But not for a really, really long time.
Okay.
Uh, if you do talk to her, please just tell her I said hi.
I will.
Oh, God. I'm sorry. Sorry. I, um-- ugh!
I had too many shrimp. But they were the big ones.
The jumbo, like, for sure genetically engineered ones?
For sure genetically engineered ones.
Yeah.
Okay.
Congrats on your new book.
You know, I've been seeing a lot of people
posting pictures of it on their legs on the beach
-and they call that hotdogging. -Oh, very cool.
I gotta be honest, I kind of miss Rita.
Her French exit from the feed was one of the sexiest things
I've ever seen, and I've seen porn.
Mm-hmm.
Also, thank you for recommending the Instagrammies to me.
The drunkest one, she has over 500,000 followers
and it just makes me be like,
"What have you ever done for me?"
Oh, yeah. They're-- they're awesome.
Oh, wait. S-- s-- co-- yeah, copy that.
Okay.
Hi!
Thank you so much for coming.
Hi, bebe. I'm so proud of you.
Ooh!
-All right, you ready? Ready? -Yes. Yes, sorry.
All right, everyone, let's get jazzed
for this reading.
- Yeah. - You go, girl.
Um, so that's me, right? Uh...
Hi. Uh, thank you all for coming.
Uh-uh.
I-- I really-- I wanted to share this book
with the people in my life who mean the most to me.
My first book was a series of essays about my grandma.
And until very recently,
she was the only person in my life
who made me feel like I had license to be myself.
And when she died,
I-- I thought that I had lost that.
I, uh...
I had a really hard time feeling like I was enough.
And, uh, I-- I worried so much about, you know,
all the things that made me, me.
That they were too weird, too different,
and not fun, not cool.
And it took a, uh...
a near-death experience
to realize that that's not true.
I realized that the people in my life who I love--
love those things about me, too.
And believing that gave me the confidence
to show myself, you know, to new people.
And to finally write another book, so...
Without further ado...
Okay.
Here we go. All right, let's see.
"I grew up always feeling like I was an older woman
trapped in the body of a little girl."
"I think that's why I was so fond of the term 'old gal.'"
"I was raised by my grandma."
"And she was the coolest 'old gal' I ever knew."
"All I wanted was to be like Grammie Martin."
"But like any kid, I had to fit in."
♪ Are we beautiful ♪
♪ All of us? ♪
♪ 'Cause we got Something natural ♪
♪ It's a part of us ♪
♪ Darlin', when they put You down like that ♪
♪ Yeah, you can Reply right back ♪
♪ You are beautiful, yeah ♪
♪ I know, I know you are ♪
♪ I know, I know, you are ♪
♪ I found myself looking again ♪
♪ Wondering why my body Doesn't look like them ♪
♪ Know it might sound weird But I refuse to pretend ♪
♪ And then you probably think The same every now and again ♪
♪ I got more than All these scars ♪
♪ I got flaws And broken hearts ♪
♪ I don't like this stranger ♪
♪ Staring at me, yeah ♪
♪ All the things you do to me ♪
♪ Tell me the truth ♪
♪ Are we beautiful? ♪
♪ All of us? ♪
♪ 'Cause we got Something natural ♪
♪ It's a part of us ♪
♪ Darlin', when they put You down like that ♪
♪ Yeah, you can Reply right back ♪
♪ You are beautiful, yeah ♪
♪ I know, I know you are ♪
♪ We are beautiful, yeah ♪
♪ I know, I know, we are ♪
♪ We are beautiful, yeah ♪
♪ I know, I know We are, we are ♪
♪ I know, I know, we are ♪
♪ We are beautiful ♪
♪ I know, I know we are ♪