[♪]
[YELPING AND WHIMPERING]
[GROANING]
CALYPSO: When I first came to America,
I found a land of opportunity
where your greatest wish could come true
if only you were willing to fight for it.
[LAUGHING]
So what do you wish for?
Danger?
Speed?
Brutality? Freedom?
What if I said you can have all that and more
wi Twisted Metal?
Twisted Metal is a 22 episode reality TV competition
sending 16 combatants
into a high stakes demolition derby.
The only rule? Survive.
Okay.
From the Middle Ages to March Madness,
tournaments have enthralled the masses.
But we are spicing things up
with cars, guns, and celebrities.
Wait, you got Wesley?
Well, no, that's just an example.
But-but Carson is very into the concept.
Yeah. In future seasons,
we'll go national, global.
The world will be a battleground.
Just imagine Hong Kong, Paris,
cars driving up the Eiffel Tower.
I don't mean to interrupt your pitch, Mr. Sparks,
but, um, this seems very expensive.
I mean, the cars alone.
Which is why we will require drivers
to bring their own vehicles.
Picture it.
Jay Leno facing off against Jerry Seinfeld
as they drive classic cars
from their own personal collections.
Yeah, no one's doing that.
And what exactly are they fighting for?
I mean, these are people who have everything.
That's a great question. Just let me skip ahead.
The winner of my tournament
will get their greatest wish granted.
Hmm, okay.
What if they want a billion dollars?
[CHUCKLES] We can't shoulder that cost.
Well, you wouldn't have to.
I mean, you know what they say.
Be careful what you wish for.
So no one wins?
I'm not really sure how that will play
- in primetime. - Yeah.
Right. Ah.
Do you know why you can't look away from a car accident?
Instinct.
It triggers something in your brain.
You have no choice but to look,
to question your own mortality.
That is what we will put on screen.
America won't look away.
And if you own the eyes of America,
then you own the world.
[SNAPS FINGERS]
[SCOFFS AND LAUGHS]
NBC already owns the eyes of America.
It's called Friends.
Well, uh, thanks for coming in.
We have something new called BattleBots,
which is very similar to your idea.
So, right now we're a-- we're a pass.
- Pass? - BOTH: Pass.
- Pass. - [CLEARS THROAT]
- [SNICKERING] - I want my five minutes back.
Very well.
Shortsighted fools.
BattleBots?
Well, if the world isn't ready, then...
Well, then I'll just wait until it is.
[ECHOING LAUGHTER]
[SCREAMING AND PANICKING]
[ENGINE REVVING]
[BRAKES SQUEAL]
- Quiet! - May!
- Quiet! - Oh, I'm sorry!
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I knew about the Minion thing, and I should've told you,
but I didn't, and I just--
oh, God, it's all my fault.
None of that shit matters now.
You got me?
Yeah, but-but-- but John, I mean,
what do we do?
We keep fighting.
Pop the hood and get behind the wheel.
Oh, fuck yeah!
- [ENGINE REVVING] - All right, John.
If you're still in there,
- this is gonna suck. - [OPENS ZIPPER]
[ELECTRICAL CRACKLING]
Clear!
- [BUZZING] - [GRUNTING]
Come on, wake up!
[ENGINE REVVING]
- [SCREAMING] - [BUZZING]
Jell-O!
John?
Quiet? Did we win?
[♪]
[CHAINS CLINKING]
All right, he's set!
[ENGINE STARTING AND REVVING]
JOHN DOE: Whoa, a bomb?
Yeah. It was a massacre.
I don't feel so bad about losing,
knowing the tournament got cut short.
No, uh, someone did win.
- Stu. - Stu?
Are you fucking-- [GROANS]
Now I feel worse.
Hey, look, I hate to cut this reunion short,
but seeing as we don't have unlimited gas,
it'd be really great if someone told me where I was driving.
I don't know. The Dolls could be anywhere by now.
Just head north.
Finally, a map I can read.
[SIGHS]
[♪]
Now the real game begins.
Well, well, well,
if it isn't my champion.
Congratulations, Stu.
Give me my wish.
And what a wish it is, a real whopper.
Are you sure you want it?
Because there's no going back.
[GROANS]
Buckle me up, Stu.
Oh, man, what a fantastic toilet.
Hey, where'd that door come from?
Wow, what service!
[DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS]
[♪]
I wish to go somewhere safe,
away from all this,
just me and Mike.
[CLINKS]
[PLOPS]
Give me my fucking wish.
Thank you for playing Twisted Metal.
[CLAPS]
[♪]
[STATIC CRACKLING]
What?
No. No!
What the fuck?
[MUFFLED] What the fuck?
[CALYPSO LAUGHING]
[ENGINE REVVING]
[♪]
We're here.
You coming?
[♪]
You want to go in first?
No. You do the honors.
[HANDLE RATTLES]
[GRUNTS]
Door's a little sticky.
[GLASS BREAKS]
Oh. I'm sorry. This is--
This is your house. You go first.
[♪]
[DOOR CREAKS]
Jeez, was your grandpa Davy Crockett?
No fucking way!
Oh!
Ha! Suck it, losers.
This bed is mine!
[MAYHEM LAUGHING]
- [CHAIR VIBRATING] - Oh, holy shit.
This is the life.
Did that chair just turn on?
There's power. How?
There must be a genny somewhere.
"So-lar energy."
Sounds like gas from the future.
- [LAUGHING] - Cool.
Well, aren't you full of surprises?
Hey, John.
I hope you like your chicken soup chunky.
John?
You calling dibs on this room?
No need to.
It was mine.
[♪]
No way.
[♪]
It's a lot.
Yeah.
I never missed somebody like this.
Like a big black hole.
It sucks.
I think that's why I needed to win the tournament.
Not just for the outsiders, but...
But for her.
Then I fucked it all up.
No, you didn't.
Yeah, I did.
We lost. I lost.
You were just trying to make things better.
Maybe in this world, that's just not possible.
So...
It's time we did something...
...for us.
It's our turn.
We can make our own life here.
No more cars?
And no more violence?
Just us.
[THE CRANBERRIES' "DREAMS" PLAYING]
[♪]
So not just us.
♪ Oh my life
♪ Is changing every day
♪ In every possible way
♪ And oh my dreams
♪ It's never Quite as it seems ♪
♪ Never quite as it seems
♪ I know I felt Like this before ♪
[LAUGHING]
♪ But now I'm feeling it Even more ♪
[THUDS]
♪ Because it came From you ♪
[CHOMPING, CRUNCHING]
♪ Then I open up And see ♪
[PANTING AND MOANING]
♪ The person falling here Is me ♪
You guys, I found a-- [SCREAMING]
♪ A different way to be
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
♪ Ahh ah ah ah ah
♪ La la ah ah
- JOHN DOE: By... - MAYHEM: By...
- QUIET: The. - MAYHEM: The-the-the-
the fire.
When casting a line,
you have to be gentle, like with the clutch.
Right? Pull too hard,
you won't be able to get your car in gear.
Now, in this scenario, the car is the fish.
The hook is the gear. Or is that the other way around?
- [GUNSHOTS] - What the hell are you doing?
I'm fishing.
Listen to someone who's done this before.
Can't shoot what you can't see.
Got one.
That's a lucky shot. Meanwhile, Mayhem and I
are going to fish the right way.
[GUNSHOTS]
Fine. I guess we're wasting ammo today.
Got one. Oh, headshot.
[GUNFIRE]
Tonight I've prepared trout
execution style.
Oh, damn, that looks good.
Oye, May! Dinner!
- MAYHEM: In a minute! - We're not waiting for you!
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
So how's ax training going?
Oh, pretty good.
She's already nailing cans from 20 yards away.
[CLINKS]
Wow, this is so good.
You're doing the cooking from now on.
Yeah, well, Quiet shouldn't really get
within 50 feet of a pot anyway.
Um, excuse me. I didn't hear you complaining
when you were scarfing down my squirrel soufflé.
Yeah, 'cause she was stuffing that shit in her pockets
- and taking it to the trash. - MAYHEM: Dude!
- What? - You fucking narc!
What? It's okay. What?
Look, babe, we keep you around for your personality
and your ax skills, that's it.
[STATIC BUZZING]
- [VIBRATING] - [RADIO NOISE]
[MUSICAL TONES]
Greetings
to my loyal Twisted Metal viewers.
I come to you with a heavy heart.
Our country is still reeling
from the senseless act of violence
committed at my tournament.
Hundreds of innocent insiders were brutally murdered.
In response, the mega cities have formed an alliance,
the United Treaty of Insiders.
We have conducted a thorough investigation
and discovered the identity of the bombers.
It was two competitors,
John Doe and Quiet.
What?
QUIET: I wish for all the walls to come down
in every city, everywhere.
JOHN DOE: It's time for the outsiders
to get their fair share.
Dudes, what the fuck?
JOHN DOE: That's not us.
How'd they get my vest?
Prom.
[OC INSIDER] These evil acts
are a declaration of war against all insiders everywhere.
We will not let this attack on our way of life stand.
The tournament was meant to be
an olive branch to the outsiders.
Unfortunately, that branch was burned.
So now... we will burn you.
The insiders are done hiding.
We will take back our nation by any means necessary.
And when the outsiders are gone,
we will finally be free,
and there will be no more need for walls.
Anyone who supports John and Quiet
will be regarded as hostile.
And anyone that delivers them to us
will be celebrated as a hero.
Either way, we will have justice.
My viewers,
keep your eyes on your screens.
Stay vigilant.
Stay safe.
And, John and Quiet,
if you are out there watching,
just know that there is nowhere to run.
The world will be a battleground!
How the hell did it find us?
- [GRUNTS] - [GROWLING]
[YELPS]
- [GROWLING] - [YELPS]
Touch her again and I'll show you what we do
- with fish around here. - [GUNSHOTS]
- [YELLING] - [CLANGS]
- [YELPS] - [GUNSHOTS]
[CLICKS]
[GROWLS]
[GRUNTING]
[GROWLING]
[GROANING]
[GROWLING]
[ELECTRICAL CRACKLING]
[CHOKING] Krista?
Krista, is that you?
[ROUGH VOICE] You wish.
[GRUNTING]
JOHN DOE: Oh, shit.
Krista. Okay, Krista,
it's me, your brother.
- [GROWLING] - Do you remember me?
- Guess that's a no. - [GRUNTS]
[GRUNTING] Oh, god!
[GRUNTING]
[THUMPING AND SQUELCHING]
[BROKEN WHISTLING]
[GROANS]
- [GUNSHOT] - [GLASS BREAKING]
[GROWLING]
- [GUNSHOTS] - [GLASS BREAKING]
[SCREAMING]
[WINCING]
Quiet, May,
we gotta get out of here.
- [WINCING] - Where's Minion?
- It's Krista. - What?
- Krista? What about Minion? - No, Krista is the Minion!
- Shit! - JOHN DOE: See?
Oh my God.
[GROWLING]
Hey!
[EPIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Come with me if you don't want to die.
BOTH: Stu?
It's like Stu-point-oh.
Go! I'll hold her off.
Go, I say!
[GROWLING]
Good night, Minion.
[CLICKING]
- Oh, shit. - Well, yeah.
My hero!
- [GROWLING] - [GRUNTING]
[ELECTRICAL HUMMING INTENSIFIES]
- [SCREAMING] - [HUMMING FADES]
Run!
[ROARING]
- [SQUELCHING] - [SCREAMING]
[GRUNTS]
[♪]
[SCREAMING]
Sorry, sis.
[GROWLS]
[PANTING]
[ENGINE STARTS]
[♪]
[GROWLS]
STU: I was up there in space, all alone for months.
But all that me time gave me time
to work on me.
Okay?
My whole life, it's been Mike and Stu,
or Sweet Tooth and Stu.
I was done being someone else's sidekick.
So I started working out.
Pushups, biceps, I worked all the major muscles.
I learned the mechanics of the pod,
timed the orbit to crash into the Great Lakes.
And then I started making my way to the cabin.
How'd you know about the cabin?
Are you kidding? You talked about it constantly.
Everyone knew about it.
We turned it into a drinking game.
[LAUGHS] Oh, yeah.
I drew a map of it from memory.
That cat is actually a horse.
I'm bad at drawing horses.
Un-fucking-believable.
[DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS]
QUIET: So what's the plan?
The insiders declared war on the outsiders.
We should join the fight.
No, fuck that. We should run.
QUIET: Calypso blamed us for the bombing.
There's a target on our backs.
There's nowhere safe to go.
Yeah.
I'm not running anymore.
Why are you smiling?
- What? I always smile. - QUIET: Not like that.
That's a "I have a plan,
but you're not going to like it" kind of smile.
This war between the outsiders and the insiders,
it's a game, and it's rigged.
The deck will always be stacked against people like us,
unless we take down the dealer.
Oh, my God, you're not serious.
Oh, I'm serious.
Wait, I-I'm not following.
Me neither.
I'm going to kill Calypso.
He started this whole war, and he changed my sister.
I don't think she's your sister anymore.
She's Minion or...
JOHN DOE: It doesn't matter what she calls herself
or the fact she looks at me like I'm a stranger.
She's still my sister.
Krista's in there.
The way I see it, we take out Calypso,
we get our lives back,
we might get her back too.
[MAYHEM CLEARS THROAT]
[SIGHS]
So you want to travel across a warzone
and hunt down the most dangerous man alive?
Yeah, I'm in.
Uh, did you miss the part
- where Calypso sent me to space? - Oh.
And fully reanimated your sister's corpse?
He's right.
We're going to need help.
We don't need help.
We need cars.
[SMASHING PUMPKINS' "DISARM" PLAYING]
[♪]
♪ Disarm you with a smile
♪ And cut you Like you want me to ♪
♪ Cut that little child
♪ Inside of me And such a part of you ♪
♪ Ooh the years burn
♪ Ooh the years burn ♪
[GROANING]
I gotta say, that was
the best night's sleep I've had in years.
[METAL CLANKING]
MYSTERY MAN #1: What the fuck?
All right, fellas, best untie me
before I hammer throw your shitty little car
into that river over there.
Hey, yeah, no can do, pal.
We got strict orders to bring your ass in chains.
Oh, yeah? From who?
Your pops.
His Holiness saw you fight the tournament.
He's, uh, real impressed
with what's become of his legacy.
Daddy?
- [ENGINE SPUTTERS] - [GRUNTING]
♪ I used to be a little boy
♪ So old in my shoes ♪
♪ And what I choose Is my voice ♪
♪ What's a boy Supposed to do ♪
♪ The killer in me Is the killer in you ♪
♪ My love
♪ I'll send this smile Over to you ♪
♪ The killer in me Is the killer in you ♪
[♪]
[ECHOING SCREAMS]