**
["The Distance" by CAKE playing]
* Reluctantly crouched at the starting line *
* Engines pumping and thumping in time *
* The green light flashes the flags go up *
* Churning and burning they yearn for the cup *
* They deftly maneuver and muscle for rank *
* Fuel burning fast *
- If they're not black and blue, they're not gettin' through.
* Reckless and wild They pour through the turns *
[Sweet Tooth laughing]
- Time to send in the clown.
- Let's clear a path.
* Driving and striving as fast as he can *
[truck horn honking]
* And long ago somebody left with the cup *
* But he's driving and striving and hugging the turns *
* And thinking of someone for whom he still burns *
[gunfire]
* He's going the distance *
* He's going for speed *
* She's all alone all alone all alone in her time of need *
[gunfire continues]
- Line me up.
* And plotting the course he's fighting and biting *
* And riding on his horse He's going the distance *
- Fuck, that was cool!
- [Watts] These cops can't drive for shit! Ha!
[gunfire]
- Uh, they're still alive! - I noticed! The gun is jammed.
- Take the wheel!
[tires squealing] Watch your left. Swerve!
- Stop backseat driving and fix that fucking thing.
- I am!
[gunfire]
[clicking] Fixed!
[gunfire continues]
Jell-O, Lawman! [laughs]
- Why do you always say "Jell-O" like that?
- It means "good-bye." - What? No, it doesn't.
It's a dessert, you moron. - No, it's insider slang.
A dude said it after dinner before he--
Oh, God damn it! [car approaching]
- Behind! - Behind!
[gunshots]
[moaning]
- Aw, I always knew you two would work things out,
and I love what you've done with the car.
- Hey, thanks, man.
Love what you've done with your, uh, fire hair.
- Looks really good.
- Aw, I'm just trying something new.
- Hey, I heard you got a beef with Stone.
- [laughs] Beef? I got a whole butcher shop.
Stone is mine. Ta!
- Bye!
- Screw you, man! - Holy shit!
It's-- I wanna say, uh, Blue?
- No, it begins with "S." It's on the tip of my tongue.
- Stu! Stu! - [both] Stu!
- Haha, that's my guy! - Oh, my God. Oh, shit!
[gunfire]
[gunfire continues]
[tires squealing]
[engine revs]
[Quiet gasps]
[tires squealing]
- [growls] Duck, duck, goose!
- Oh! - [gasps]
- You're welcome!
- Fuck!
- [Watts] Come on, baby, come on, baby.
Follow me, follow me-- [clinks]
Oh, no, too close.
[engine revving]
[gunfire]
Here's your kiss from mama, baby!
- No!
- [screaming]
- Oh, shit!
- Now's your chance to skedaddle.
- We can't leave you to fight this.
- The fuck you can't.
I'm tired of y'all. You're bogarting my kills.
[truck horn honking]
- [Amber] Juggernaut to Twister, we're flying in.
- [Watts] Amber, you keep laying down that fire.
These chickens are flying the coop.
- [Quiet] Thanks a lot. This next round's on us.
- Shit. Would someone kill this fucking truck?
- [Lawman] You got it, sir!
- Amber! - [gasping]
[gunfire]
- [Sweet Tooth] Where do you think you're going, Stone?
You can't hide from me.
Ice cream? No, you scream.
[laughing]
[explosions]
- No! No! Amber!
[tires squealing]
- [Sweet Tooth laughing]
- [groaning]
- [breathing heavily]
- Why'd you do that? They were on our side!
- [laughing] There are no sides, Stubert!
Everybody burns!
[gun cocking] - Fuck this shit.
- Gotcha!
- [grunting]
- [laughing] Okay, Stubie,
now's your chance to show me your fangs.
Pull the trigger, and put your doggy down.
- [breathing heavily] - Do it!
- Come on, do it! - Do it!
- Come on.
Come on, Stewie. You can do this.
- [grunting]
- [breathing heavily]
[gunshot]
- Holy shit! - Mike, let's go!
[grunting]
- You saved my ass!
- I-I think I skinned my wang.
- Oh, don't talk about your wang, man.
- I don't want to look at it, man.
- [groaning] Stubert!
[gunfire]
- You'll abide by the law, clown.
- Harold, take the wheel.
[grunts]
- Get off my car!
- You! Took! Everything! From! Me!
- What the fuck?
Hey! You're dripping eye blood on the hoo--
Oh, fuck it.
[gunshots]
- [groaning]
[breathing heavily]
- Oh, shit!
Did I-- Did I kill him?
- I don't know. You want to turn around
and check for a pulse?
Let's get the hell outta here! Let's go!
Get outta here! Let's go!
[engine revving]
- Holy shit, I think we're gonna make it.
[gunfire]
- [growling]
- God, I'm so tired of running from Officer Dick Cheese.
Hang on. - Thanks for the warning.
Whoa! [tires squealing]
- Oh, okay, we can play chicken.
[gunfire and rockets whistling]
Come on, fuckers!
[gunfire continues]
- Now! - Now!
[birds chirping]
- John?
John! John!
[screams] - Get outta there!
Well, oh, well.
It's just you and me again.
You know, when I was walking a beat in Topeka,
I used to see pieces of trash just like you.
They'd mock me, call me names, spit on me,
just because I was tryin' to keep the streets safe.
When the power grid blew,
all of those same fuckheads came to my door
wanting to be protected,
wanting to be safe,
but you know what they really wanted?
They just wanted to be kept in line.
- [laughing]
- What's so fuckin' funny?
- You talk so much.
All this talk about rules and laws,
it's all bullshit.
You're just a sad, lonely man,
and you think you're in control.
- I am in control.
- No.
You're just the one holdin' the gun.
- Any last words?
- Knock, knock. - Who's there?
[screaming]
[whimpering]
[gun cocks]
[gurgling]
[ragged breathing]
[groaning]
- I'm gonna give you a tough choice.
You can die slowly, or...
[whispers] You can die fast.
You have a good day now,
motherfucker.
[engine starts]
[gunshot]
[engine revving]
- Oh! Oh! Oh!
[laughing]
- Oh, I fucking thought I lost you again.
Oh, where's--
[sniffles]
- I'm sorry.
- Those fuckers are gonna pay.
[engine revving]
- Hey, Bill, I'm back! You miss me?
- Bill got promoted.
You do not have clearance to approach.
- Look, I know you're just trying to do your job,
but I have a life-changing opportunity
that's going to expire
if I don't deliver this package in one minute and 17, 16, 15--
You see where I'm going with this?
- Yeah, that's not my problem. - Uh, it will be
if Raven hears her delivery expired right outside her gate.
- Holy shit.
Tell Raven the Milkman made it.
- Let's go.
- Open the gate!
- You didn't tell me she was so hot.
- Someone's had a busy ten days.
- And I'm not the only one.
Hey, congratulations on the promotion, Bill!
She treatin' you well? Good pay? Good benefits?
- Just give her the package, John.
- Wow. Fuck you, Bill.
- How do we know she's actually going to pay up?
- This is how Milkman deliveries work.
Only person who's making it weird right now is you.
- Congratulations, John.
Welcome to New San Francisco.
[gun cocking]
- Hey, hey, whoa! Hold on, man.
Bill, calm down. She's with me.
- John, she's not allowed to enter.
- Well, you wouldn't have it if it wasn't for her.
- We had a deal, John,
you and me.
- And she's with me. That's all you need to know.
[guns cocking]
If she can't go in, fine. I'm not goin' in either.
- John, don't do this.
You wanted this your whole life, right?
- Yeah, but-- - Then you need to go.
- What are you doin'?
- I'm not gonna be the reason you don't go inside,
so you're gonna go in, and you're gonna be happy.
You got it? [gun cocking]
Don't, John.
I mean it.
- Quiet-- [gunshot]
Aah!
- He needs medical attention. Get him inside.
- Go on.
- [grunting]
What? Quiet, no! Quiet!
- Jell-O, John.
[door slams]
[sniffling]
- Stop, now!
Here. John usually makes this run,
but since he's retired...
- What the hell am I supposed to do with this?
- Deliver it. We need a new Milkman.
Hey! Hey! Hey! [cheering]
That was for San Diego.
- Fuck San Diego.
[car door slams]
- The Milkman has stabilized.
Doc said he'll be fine, but the girl--
Couldn't you have let her in?
- She complicates things.
[laughing] Imagine what John went through,
driving halfway across the country,
all to deliver...
this.
Yeah.
- What do you think?
- It's fine. I ordered pistachio.
Of course, they fucked up my order.
- I meant about John. - Oh.
He passed his test,
and Calypso kept his end of the bargain.
Mostly. [gags]
Marshmallow. Blech.
- So it's time that we start prepping him
for his new position?
Not yet, let him acclimate,
get a feel for the good life inside.
Then we'll talk about what comes next.
**
- That's a nice dick.
All right, jerkoff, it's just me and you.
Now are we gonna work it out today, or not.
Come on!
Yagh!
Oh, fuck!
This--
[grunting]
Fuck you, fuckin'...
Come on.
Why do you make me do this to you?
Don't be such a fuckin' asshole!
[grunting]
[bicycle bell ringing]
[screaming]
Fuckin' bike.
What?!
**
- Good morning, John. - Hi
[chuckling]
- Hey, what's up, John?
- Hey, John.
- Good morning, John.
**
[laughing]
- Oh my god. - I'm telling ya.
Look, the weirdest thing I've ever eaten was an owl.
- No shit? - Yeah!
- Why?
- I got the midnight munchies.
You know what I'm talkin' about!
[laughing] - You're such a badass, John.
Oh, god, you must have, like, killed so many people.
- Uh, yeah, yeah. A few, yeah.
- Yeah. - Mmm.
- Yeah. [chuckling]
But, like how many?
- Aw, I mean, I don't keep count, dude.
[laughing]
- He doesn't keep count!
Okay, like I said, you're a badass.
Oh! You gotta tell 'em about the clown!
This is so crazy.
I think he had, like, bondage stuff, I don't know.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a lot of leather
and sweat. - This guy!
[laughing]
[knocking]
- Hi.
- Diane, right? - Yeah.
Come in.
It's okay. I won't bite.
- So, uh, I've never been set up on
a thing like this before. - Oh.
- But Chester told me you're a guard with him.
- You don't remember me?
You do not have clearance to approach.
- Oh, shit! Bill's replacement!
- Mm-hmm. - I didn't even recognize you.
- Well, must be the hair.
- I didn't even see past the gun.
- Let me get you a drink.
Do you like wine?
- Uh, toilet or sink?
- How about red?
[stuttering] Yeah?
- Okay. - Okay.
[knocking]
Oh, that's the pizza.
Would you mind grabbing that?
- Sure.
- Hey, got a cheese pizza for you.
- Wow.
I've never been on the other side of a delivery.
I'm supposed to give you something, right?
Here you go.
- Bullets.
- Would you prefer gasoline?
- There is cash right there, dude.
- I hope that makes a warm fire for you.
And hey, thanks.
I really appreciate what you went through
to get this here.
- It's not a big deal, man.
- So this is pizza.
- You've never had pizza?
- Oh, my gosh, you've never had pizza?!
- No.
- I'm honored to be here for your first time.
- Thanks.
- Good?
- Uh-huh.
**
[humming]
[clattering]
**
- I know you're out there.
You don't know who you're messin' with.
If you're gonna kill me, do it quick,
you goddamn vulture.
- I'm not a vulture, you buttmunch.
And I don't want to kill you.
Your delivery. I want half.
- I heard of you.
You're the one who's been robbin' milkmen?
I've scratched my taint with twigs bigger than you.
[chuckling] You ain't gettin' shit!
[screaming]
[groaning]
- Next one I throw, you'll be drivin' with your feet.
So, half!
- Fine! It's in the back.
I hope you choke on it!
- It's not for me, you jag-off.
The insiders have been runnin' this shit
for far too long.
It's time somebody shared the wealth.
**
- So tell me,
how is John adjusting?
- He's doin' greet.
Uh, we all get along.
I-I mean I think me and the guys
would be friends with him whether or not we had to,
right, fellas?
- Yeah. - Oh, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- And Diane?
- She-she set him up well.
She's pushing for a second date.
- Good.
Make sure that happens.
I want John to be happy.
And because I want it, you should want that, too.
- John is happy.
I mean, he'll-- he'll be ready to drive
for you any day now.
- Raven.
Just got word that John Doe's only two blocks away.
[gasping]
[sighing]
[laughing] - Right? Yeah!
John! You wanna join us for a beer?
- No thanks, Chester.
I'm leavin'.
- You really wanna leave
after I gave you everything I promised?
I even heard things are going swimmingly with Diane.
- How do you know about Diane?
- It's my job to know everything.
- [laughing] - The only thing I don't know
is what else I could possibly give you.
- Something you can't give me.
- The girl?
[scoffing]
John, you're seriously gonna give all of this up
for some chick you knew for 10 days?
I've had colds last longer.
- Her name's Quiet.
- No way that's her real name.
You do know her real name, don't you?
Also, didn't she shoot you? - Yeah, that happened.
- John, that doesn't sound healthy.
Okay, look, if that's really how you feel,
I will escort you to the gate myself.
We just have to make one quick stop first.
Come on.
- [scoffs]
What the fuck is wrong with you now?
It finally happened.
I'm talking to a car.
I know something didn't die in you.
Last time that happened,
you smelled like burnt baby raccoon.
Thank you, by the way. That was delicious.
- Maybe something shifted
when I slammed into that Milkman the other week?
Oh, my God, now I'm fucking asking the car
a God damn question.
That's great. That's really great.
That's super healthy.
[screams]
Why won't you work, you rusted piece of shit?
[sighs]
I'm very sorry.
Um, that was very rude.
You did not deserve that.
It's not your fault that you're rusted.
It's just, we've been together a month,
and I have no clue how you work.
Oil goes in your mouth, and fuel goes up your butt.
Everything in the middle makes no sense.
[sighs]
I guess I just keep trying pieces
until I find one that--
- You just try different pieces
'til you find the one that fits.
- Fits.
You better not be fuckin' with me.
[engine turns over]
Aah! Holy shit! I did it!
I fucking did it!
What the fuck did I do?
- Where are you taking me?
- Here. - Nice house.
- I'm glad you think so. It's yours.
- [chuckles]
You think a residential upgrade is gonna keep me here?
Pass. - No, John.
This is yours.
This is where you grew up.
- Wait.
I lived here?
- You've got mail.
When I first heard of John Doe the Milkman,
I did a little digging,
and when I learned that you had roots here,
I dug some more.
I'm sure you'll have lots of questions,
and if you stay, you'll get answers.
- I don't know what name I was born with
or who I am really.
**
- Drive!
- It's just like I promised you.
I brought you home.
**
- This isn't my home.
It's his,
whatever his name is.
This isn't me anymore.
I found my home out there with Quiet.
- Hmm.
Wow, I never took you for such a romantic,
but if that's your decision...
[sighs] This isn't normally how I like to do things,
but, hey, I'm flexible.
I have a job for you.
- I'm not gonna be your Milkman.
- Milkman?
[laughing]
No, those days for you are long gone,
but you're still a driver.
Best I've ever seen.
You proved that to me when you made my little run.
See, you passed the test, John,
and now I need your skills.
There's gonna be a tournament,
the first of its kind
where the best drivers from all across the country,
from all walks of life, are gonna be invited to compete.
See, the tournament only has one rule:
Survive.
And you better believe who you face won't play fair.
This is where you come in, John.
You are my horse, and I need you to win,
because Calypso is offering quite a prize.
The winner gets their heart's desire,
their greatest wish come true.
You're gonna help me win, John,
and you're gonna do it by getting behind the wheel
and turning every car and contestant
that crosses your path
into nothing but a flaming pile of twisted metal.
You will drive, John Doe,
and you will win.
- Okay.
Where to next?
[chains rattle]
[tires squealing]
**
- Hey, girl.
I've been dying to talk to you.
I heard you know my brother.
He goes by John.
**
[laughter]
- I told you we'd find it, and we did.
Shangri-fuckin'-la.
- We got everything we need:
Ladies, liquor, and long dogs.
This is Strawberry.
She's a doctor and a lawyer.
I met her in a strip club.
- Okay. Okay. This is Cleopatra.
She, uh, specializes in French cuisine.
- Ooh-la-la. - She, uh,
is also a stripper.
I'm thinkin' about takin' a swim.
What do you guys think?
- No, she'll sink right to the bottom.
I've tried before.
- [Sweet Tooth] Good evening.
- Holy shit! - [roaring]
- Actually, I have a better idea.
[laughter]
[growls]
- Oh, no! Mike! Aah!
[Sweet Tooth laughing]
[screaming]