[high-pitched ringing]
**
- Oh, no!
Ow, ow! Hot!
- That was quite a crash, son.
Oh, look at that goose egg.
Where are your parents, sweetie?
- I don't know. - How old are you?
10, 11?
- I-I don't know.
- The crash must have rung your bell.
Well, let's start simple. You got a name?
- I don't know!
I don't know! - [Wandering woman] Shh, shh!
Hey, hey, it's okay. Let me help you.
I can help get you home safe.
[groaning]
- Wait!
- Fat chance, kid! Watkin storm's a comin'.
- Hey, that's my car!
[yelping]
[panting]
[thunder crackling]
**
Who is this asshole?
- Give me those glasses. The sun's bullying me.
- I can't, I'm dyin'.
Say nice things at my funeral.
Take the time to speak highly of my good deeds.
- Man, dudes cannot handle hangovers for shit.
- No hangovers in New San Francisco,
I'll tell you that.
Oh, I had this sexy pork tenderloin last time.
[smacking lips] God, I can't wait.
- I can't wait for a dog.
- Nah, too gamey.
- What?! No! Not to eat.
- Oh.
- I always wanted a pet.
You know, like a wolfdog with three legs named Patrick.
- I'm not taking care of a dog.
- Nobody asked you to!
- Well, we're living together. I mean...
- What?! Are we living together?
- What?! No!
What? No! Why? No!
I mean, like living together in the same city.
- Oh.
- You call me to walk your dog when you're not home,
at your home, and I'm home at my home.
See, two separate homes.
So, that makes two homes.
- Hmm.
- Unless you want to live together.
- Do you? - I don't know.
Do you?
- You seem like a shitty roommate.
I mean, you can't even share your fuckin' sunglasses.
- Yeah, I can share my shitty popcorn.
- Wow, your aim is so good.
Oh, shit! [gasps]
Is this the infamous photo?
- Hey! - Dude, what the hell happened?
You were so cute.
- Take it easy with that. - Oh!
This is the only photo you have of your past life
and you keep it in your visor.
I think I can handle holding it for one...
Shit!
- I fuckin' told you to be careful.
Stupid!
Hey, I said stay back with Evelyn
and watch the package.
- I can do two things.
[sighs]
How old were you in that photo anyway?
- How does anyone keep track of that shit?
- I mean, birthdays, moon phases,
cut your dick open and count the rings.
- Can we just focus on finding the picture?
We're running out of day light.
- [Quiet] Oh, found it!
Ah-ah, what do you say?
- Don't drop it again. - Hmm.
[engine starting]
- Come on, get in the car!
- No, no, no, no!
[gun firing]
[grunting]
[gun firing] Ugh!
[retching] - [Quiet] Fucking holy men!
- [John Doe] Goddamn [indistinct].
[grunting]
- I can't believe some fucking holy men stole our--
- What the fuck did you do?
- John. - Fuck.
**
- Okay, we've been walking for an hour
and you haven't said shit.
I don't know what else to say, John.
I fucked up.
If you want to focus on being mad, then... go ahead.
I guess we'll just walk until we die.
**
- This isn't the first time I lost Evelyn.
Vultures took her one time, Necros another time.
- Oh, shit!
- One time I just forgot where I parked her.
- Okay, well, that's stupid.
- Yeah, it's stupid, but every time I've lost her,
she's come back to me.
- Then let me help you find her this time.
Please.
- Fine.
[church bell ringing]
- [Quiet] Wait, wait! Where you going?
- I'm following the bells. That's where Evelyn is.
- We can't just waltz into a holy man murder-palooza.
You saw what those fuckers did to the convoy's milkman.
- Evelyn is so close. We need to go get her back.
And I can't do it by myself.
So, what do you say, partner?
- Okay.
Let's go get your car.
- Great. - What?
- We've gotta go get those masks off
those holy men we killed so we can blend in.
- Isn't that like an hour that way?
I'm just gonna wait here.
Did you hear me?
He didn't hear me.
- Please, please.
Ugh!
[stomach rumbling] Stomach, shut up!
**
[grunting]
[groaning]
Oh...
**
[groaning]
**
[gasping]
Oh.
Nasty!
Excuse me, sir.
[engine sputters]
Too bad.
TP, beans...
whoa!
Jackpot!
**
[church bell ringing]
- Sounds like this is it.
- I don't love how moist this mask is.
- At least your guy didn't have a beard.
I'm gonna be pullin' face pubes out of my mouth all night.
- Ick!
- Also, we gotta work on your dude voice.
- Dude voice? - Yeah.
Holy men. You gotta fit in.
Go deep, let me hear it.
- Um...
I love killing and guns, I do.
- Just try not to talk. - Right-o, governor!
[church bell ringing]
[hootin' and hollerin']
- [Holy Man 1] I'm gonna kill you.
- Well, I'm gonna kill you. Let's do it.
- Cool party, huh?
- Dinner for the sinner! [chuckling]
- Holy shit!
How are these guys not dead already?
- Stop staring. Just blend in.
- My man!
- I want that! - Too fuckin' bad!
- From one brother to another, I propose a clash.
[chuckles] - Let it begin!
[grunting]
- At least they're having a good time.
- Uh, he's not.
- Holy shit!
Maybe he deserved it.
- I didn't.
- Cool. I hate this place.
- [Goddess Janice] Kiss my leather!
[yelping]
- [Holy Man] We worship you! - [Janice] Bend down.
[yelping]
- Okay, Evelyn has to be here.
So, just blend in with these freaks
until we find her.
- Damn, very flexible.
Oh, shit! Uh, uh...
Oh, bullocks.
- Who told you to speak?
- Agh!
- You like pain?
- I love it so much, me lady!
- Damn. - Good.
- Ow.
- The Goddess is pleased. [groaning]
Cupbearer? - [Cupbearer] Yes, Goddess?
- Bring forth libations.
- Here.
It's chug-a-lug time!
- All chanting: Chug-a-lug!
Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug!
[sighing]
[gagging]
- Nothing like a Jack and coke.
- So, wait, why is it crunchy?
- That'd be the coke. [laughing]
- It's Preacher. - It's Preacher.
- The preacher's here.
[hootin' and hollerin']
- [Holy Man] I love you, preacher.
- [Holy Man] Absolve my sins!
- I think the coke is kicking in.
- I can't feel my throat.
- I'm gonna shit myself.
[groaning] - [Preacher] Night, night.
[laughing]
Which one of you blessed fucks
had seven days in the death pool?
Blessings on you, Krevin! [chuckles]
Victory runs in your veins.
Go on, reward him!
- Here you go. - [Preacher] Okay.
- Enjoy.
- Gods and Goddesses,
it is my honor to be with you again
here in Colorado for our annual pilgrimage,
The Rocky Mountain Fuck Fest!
[laughing, cheering]
Now, while we are indulging in the seven deadly delights,
let us recall our past
and celebrate our futures!
Me? I was a man of God.
Shit, I was even celibate.
[laughing]
Shut the fuck up, Krevin.
- Oh, okay.
- But when the world ended,
God was nowhere to be found.
And I thought, huh! This fucker's forsaken us.
Right? But then I realized, no!
We are the gods!
Always have been, always will be.
[hootin' and hollerin']
And the roads will be forever our domain!
[cheering]
[laughter]
- Great crowd work.
- I can hear you grinding your teeth.
- Dude, that's you!
[laughing]
- Now...
what gifts did you motherfuckers bring me?
Ooh, is that a generator I see?
Okay. Uh, gasoline, got it.
Okay, guns. Guns, drugs.
Okay, guys, you gotta get more creative than just drugs.
- Here you go, Preacher.
- Okay, that's just more drugs, Jeff.
That's just more drugs.
[Evelyn approaching]
Well, now everybody shut the fuck up!
Hold on! Oh-ho-ho!
Holy shit!
- Hey, what are you doing? Where are you going?
John! - A token for you, Preacher.
- What a hot piece of ass!
Ooh-ooh-ooh.
[inhales deeply]
I should lube up with oil
and dick your muffler.
- [Holy Men] Dick her muff! Dick her muff!
Dick her muff!
- Don't touch her!
- Who spoke?
[chuckling]
Your tone sounded... envious.
I like that.
You want her, don't you?
- Say no. Say no. Say no. Say no.
- From one brother to another,
I propose a clash.
[exasperated groan]
- Oh, yeah.
[chuckling]
[collective chatter]
- Are you ready, son?
[chuckling]
[sniffling]
- So, what's your plan here, stud?
- Have you seen this guy?
A strong wind can blow him over.
I'm gonna kick his ass so bad I'm gonna be their king.
- That's the blow talking!
[screaming]
Oh, God!
[laughing]
Oof, Coke Jesus has a right hook!
- I heard something crack. I think it was my brain.
- Listen up, he's fast, so keep your distance.
You'll never get a good hit in if you're too close.
Honestly-- - I told you I got this.
Hit me. - [Quiet] What? John?
Fine, you're on your own.
[laughter] - [Preacher] Let's eat this guy!
- Surprise! - Ah, my eyes!
[grunting, groaning]
- [Holy Men] Ooh!
- Stay the fuck down, Preach!
[laughing]
- Whoo!
You ever drink your own blood?
It's intoxicating.
- What the f-- Oh!
[manic laughter]
Are you possessed?
- I was once. By a little demon baby.
Fucker made me kill a whole church of people.
Here we go!
I can still hear their screams.
I can't wait to hear yours!
[grunting, groaning]
I can't stop kicking!
- He's doing really well.
- Heh...
[electricity crackling]
- [Preacher] The Holy Ghost lives through me.
What should I do? Should I eat this guy?
Should I fuck this guy?
[grunting] Dirt nap!
[whistles]
- Get on your knees, you greasy little piglet
and lick my soiled boots.
- Oh! Yes, goddess.
Please, goddess.
[whimpering]
- Now, where are the keys to that car, vermin?
I wanna take it for a ride.
- Wait! Goddesses only ride shotgun.
That is our way.
- Not my way!
[groaning] - Yes, please!
[screaming]
- Oh, where are you going?
[grunting]
[manic laughter]
[grunting]
[grunting, groaning]
[grunting]
[cheers, manic laughter]
Yes! Yes! [laughter]
Take him to the cross!
[laughter]
Oh, come on, guys!
I've got a guy here
perfectly ready for the cross.
Meanwhile, this dead fucker is still up there!
[sighs] Say it with me.
- When the heart stops, the body drops.
- See? It's not that hard. Okay?
Now the whole vibe is ruined.
I-I guess take the new guy to timeout
and-and take that fucker down.
- Don't let it ruin your night!
- Too late, Janice!
[groaning]
[tree limbs snapping]
- Huh?
Come out! I heard you!
- Hey!
Hey, whoa! Take it easy, okay?
I-I'm just looking for some food.
You haven't got any, do you?
- Go away, butthead!
- Whoa, I'm not gonna hurt you.
- I said go away!
- Fuck!
Ugh, what the hell did you do that for?
Got me right in the veneers.
- I'm sorry, I was aiming for your balls.
- Well, that would have hurt, too.
But that's okay. You can make it up to me.
- Huh? - 'Cause it's dinnertime.
He's alone! Soo-ey!
[whooping] - Dinner time!
Child back on the menu, boys.
- I love veal!
- We're gonna getcha.
- Please, please, please, please!
Come on! [engine starts]
- Hey there!
[engine revs]
- Fuck you!
- [Preacher] Krevin, you're a fucking dunce!
This fuckin' idiot can't even get a hose
long enough to fill up my new baby.
- Dented Evelyn's hood, you asshole.
- [Quiet] So, you lost, huh?
- You don't know that.
This could be a winner's cage.
- Pssh.
I got us some wheels.
Piece of shit,
but it'll get us out of this nightmare carnival.
- I'm not leaving her.
- What? John, are you kidding?
You almost died!
I can't believe I have to say this,
but it's just a car, John.
- You don't get it. - [Quiet] No, I don't!
But I fought and bled.
I got whipped, I drank coke for you.
And your car.
And now you say I don't get it?
Fuck you!
What happened to us being partners, huh?
- I'm not leaving Evelyn.
- And I'm not dying for a fucking car.
- [Krevin] Preacher, Preacher!
Someone attacked Fenchy and took a car!
- What? Seal the camp!
- [Holy Man] Seal the camp! - [Holy Man] Seal the camp!
[indistinct commotion]
- We have to leave.
[church bell ringing] Now, John!
- Then go.
- [Young John] All right, where to next?
We can go anywhere you want.
Your choice.
[engine dies]
Or not.
**
I owe you for saving me back there.
I'll fix you up, I promise.
Just you, me, and the road.
Sounds good?
**
- Oh, thank God. I'm here, Evelyn, baby.
Let's get the hell out of here.
[gun cocks]
- I admire your thirst.
But if anybody's gonna fuck this car,
it's gonna be me.
[grunting, groaning]
**
You're not worthy of the mask.
- Good, it chafes.
[laughing]
- For I am the angel of death!
And I release you!
[gasps]
- No.
No, no, no.
Fuck. Fuck!
**
- Hurry up! Watch the Preacher's head.
Don't lose those!
That's the last of us.
Drive, prick! - Yes, goddess.
**
- Oh!
Oh, shit!
Oh, oh, my head.
No.
["My Immortal" by Evanescence playing]
**
* If you have to leave *
* I wish that you would just leave *
* 'Cause your presence still lingers here *
* And it won't leave me alone *
* These wounds won't seem to heal *
* This pain is just too real *
* There's just too much that time cannot erase *
* When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears *
* When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears *
* And I held your hand through all of these years *
* But you still have *
* All of me *
**
* You used to captivate me *
* By your resonating light *
* Now I'm bound by the life you left behind *
* Your face it holds *
* My once plans and dreams *
* Your voice it chased away *
* All the sanity in me *
* These wounds won't seem to heal *
* This pain is just too real *
* There's just too much that time cannot erase *
* When your cried I'd wipe away all of your tears *
* When you'd scream *
* I'd fight away all of your fears *
* You still have *
* All of me *
* Ah me *
* Ah me ah *
**