[laughing]
- We don't have time for this.
You're hurt. I get it.
Now, there's a way out of this.
Okay?
[laughing]
[clicking]
This never happened to me before.
Really. Man.
Oh, man.
Damn it.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
You know? [engine starting]
Hey! Oh, no, no, no, no! No!
This time it's loaded.
Six bullets, each with your name on it
if you don't get out of my car right now!
That said, I'm willing to negotiate.
[engine sputtering]
Oh, I guess Evelyn doesn't like you very much.
I'll make you a deal.
You scooch over, I'll get you out of this alive.
But you better think fast,
'cause that ain't no birthday clown.
Okay, go!
[horn honks]
Oh, shit.
Okay, L1, R1, up, down, left, right, right, down, up.
[engine revving]
All right, Evelyn, we have nine days
to get away from this clown,
ditch this psychopathic hitchhiker,
and make it to New Chicago.
Hey, look! You forgot your seatbelt.
[brakes squealing] Agh!
- Here for the show?
- I'm definitely here for the show!
[gunfire]
Oh, shit!
[laughing]
- You're not coming to my show?
Well, then the show is coming to you!
**
* Oh baby I like it raw *
* Yeah baby I like it raw *
* Oh baby I like it raw *
- Suppertime!
- Stu, I love you, but this is all your fault.
- How was I supposed to know
the woods would be crawling with butchers.
- They're talking about getting us exiled.
You had to get caught sleeping on duty!
- Hey! You were sleeping, too!
- I wasn't the one snoring like a goat in heat!
- It's called sleep apnea.
It's a real medical condition.
And it would be a lot more manageable
if you hadn't traded in my CPAP machine for porno.
- Well, excuse me for trying to get you something dope
for your birthday!
- You know what's dope?
A full eight hours of sleep.
Dreaming is dope!
- [Butcher] Francis! - [Francis] What?
- Why did you season both meat baths
in teriyaki sauce?
Francis, we talked about diversifying flavors.
- Fine! Um...
Oh, I'll cover the thick one in lemon pepper.
- No, no! [sputtering]
Oh, god, it's so tangy, dude!
- I call dibs on the man titties.
[gunshots]
- Holy cow!
- Clear!
[whimpering]
- We don't usually find the pigs alive
before the luau. You can cut 'em loose.
Butchers!
They'd rather eat the flesh of their own kind than starve.
You guys are guards?
- We, uh, we used to be.
Uh, Mike and I were... - On a scouting mission
from Seattle looking for trading routes.
Our car broke down and the next thing you know
we're getting grabbed by these assholes.
- We're always on the lookout for upstanding citizens.
I'll give you guys a choice.
You can try and make your way back up north
where it can be pretty dicey,
or if you can take the grit,
join us in bringing law and order
back to the Divided States of America.
What do you say?
- Come on.
- Sweet. - All right.
Welcome to the law, huh?
[cheers and applause] - [agent] Yeah!
- [Agent Stone] You guys. - [agent] Don't go dying on us.
- [John Doe] I can't believe
I already got a flat tire.
Way to go, John. Way to go.
Hey, silent but not very deadly,
you gonna come over here and help me with this?
Don't shush me!
You come over here and help me with the tire.
[Sweet Tooth] * Toyland Toyland *
* Little girl and boy land *
- I'm gonna handle this shit. Watch my back.
Ahh!
Ah, shit. Ahh!
[Sweet Tooth] * When you dwell within it *
* You are ever happy then *
You can hide,
but I have ways to find you.
Marco! Marco!
- I'll be right back, Evelyn.
I'll get us outta here.
- [Sweet Tooth] Marco!
Damn! That usually works.
[electrical humming]
[clangs]
Huh?
- Shh.
[glass breaking] Oh, shit.
[jackpot ringing]
- Marco.
[growls]
- [Sweet Tooth] Well, hi there!
[laughing]
Oh, that tickled.
You know, my dad always wanted to play catch,
but he could never catch a ball.
He could catch a bullet.
[gunshot]
Why are you scurrying away, little squirrel?
Looking for a nut?
This is gonna be fun! Machete!
Huh, swung a little wide there.
Well, aren't we a tall glass of water!
Me, I'm more of a Hawaiian punch!
[groans]
I'm guessing you don't fight much
outside of your car now, do you?
- Look, clown, I don't need four wheels to kick your ass.
[laughing]
[growling]
Any chance we could get this back in the cars?
[laughing]
- How about a little kill music?
* Livin' la vida loca *
* She had dumps like a truck truck truck *
* Thighs like what what what *
* Baby move your butt butt butt *
* I think I'll sing it again *
* She had dumps like a truck truck truck *
* Thighs like what what what *
* All night long *
* Let me see that thong *
* Likin' where the beat go *
* Da-da-da-da *
* Baby let your bootie go *
* Da-da-da-da *
* Girl you wanna show *
* Da-da-da-da *
* That thong thong thong thong thong *
- Do you love the silver-haired god?
And don't lie to me.
- Yeah, man.
Look, I listened to "Unleash the Dragon"
so many times the disc broke.
I'm not a liar.
- Well, you said you were coming to my show
and then you shot at me!
- It was a misunderstanding.
I been getting shot at ever since I can remember.
It's force of habit, I guess.
- Sounds like you have trust issues.
- Yeah, you're not wrong.
Nice pipes, dude, I have to say.
That high note, whoo! It was perfect.
- Oh, word? - Yeah, can I go?
I got somewhere to be.
- I thought you said you were coming to the show!
- Of course, I am.
Just can I leave after the show?
- Well, in that case, tonight is opening night!
[laughing]
- How were your showers?
- Aw, I don't know the last time
I felt hot water that wasn't my own piss.
Uh, sir.
- Consider it your recompense
for upholding law and order.
Warm showers, warm blankets, warm meals.
- Oh. - Aw, fuck, mashed potatoes?
- [Mike] And goddamn, look at all that gravy!
I wonder how we can get one of those punch cards.
- Now, let's proceed to your initiation.
Right this way, gentlemen.
What you see down there is our supply truck.
It brings us important provisions.
As you can see, it's broken down.
That's why it's not moving.
What I need for you to do is to protect that truck.
- From what?
- Seagulls.
- [Sweet Tooth] Skittles? - [John Doe] No, I'm good.
[chomping] - Pre-show jitters.
Listen, I really appreciate you coming along willingly.
Normally I have to drag people into the theater
kicking and screaming.
But word of advice,
you won't like what happens if you run.
What? Oh, him?
Nah, he was here before.
Hey, Donald.
Don't worry, he can't hear us.
I love names. I'm kind of a name guy.
You know, the right one can send a shudder
down your spine.
Wanna know what I go by?
- There's not a person on the West Coast
that hasn't heard of Sweet Tooth.
- See what I mean?
I mean, you really feel that in your bones!
What's your name, friend?
- John Doe.
- Nah, I'll give it a seven.
- Hey, I didn't pick it.
I don't know what name I was born with
or who I am really.
- Oh, amnesia. What's your brand?
Post-traumatic, transient, dissociative?
- All I know is my first memory
is me waking up in my car
with blood coming out of my head.
- Wait, that's my first memory too!
My head covered in blood.
Of course, it was being pushed
out of my mom's whisker biscuit, but...
- Whoa! You remember that?
- Oh, yeah. I remember everything.
You should consider yourself lucky.
There are some things I wish I could forget.
Like the time I shit my pants
in my elementary school production of "Oklahoma".
I can still see the audience's faces
laughing, mocking.
Did you know Sisqo's real name was Mark?
[grunting]
- [Stu] Oh, a rock.
- Man, what is wrong with you?
You holding in a fart or something?
- If the truck is so important, why don't they just move it?
Something doesn't smell right, man.
- Smells good to me.
Back in Seattle, they treated us like morons.
Now look at us; we holding .30-cals, dude!
Come on, baby, get your head in the game.
Come on. Come on.
There you go. - Fuck you!
- Eyes up, boys.
Those seagulls lay a fingernail on our supplies,
it's open season.
- What the hell?
Hey, why do you call 'em seagulls?
These look like normal survivors to me.
- What else would you call a bunch of fucking trash eaters?
- Dude, are we really gonna kill these guys?
[suppressed gunshot]
- There's one left, Stu.
He's all yours.
Clean it up!
[suppressed gunshot]
[laughter] Melon down.
- I saved your ass.
- [Agent Stone] Seagulls, butchers, exiles.
They see the world in shades of gray.
What I need from you two lawmen
is to just show them
that there's only two colors in the world,
black and blue.
Now, you missed, Stu. It can happen to anyone.
Rookie mistake.
Hey, don't let it happen again.
Okay.
You guys want some burgers?
- Bubby-baby, bubby-baby.
Tip of the teat, tip of the teat.
Tip of the teat.
My marvelous mutterer makes me mingy on Monday.
- You sleep here?
What, the penthouse was booked up?
- Nah, way too much space up there.
Nice bidet, though.
Like taking a shotgun up the ass.
No, I sleep here because it reminds me
of where I was before Vegas.
Back then, I lived with a real solid group of dudes.
But then the world took a shit and I came to Sin City.
Now that was a party.
- You've been here alone for over two decades?
- Oh, shit, has it been that long?
Look at this guy.
Hasn't aged a day. What a beauty.
Nah, I'm not alone.
I got Harold, which, have you--
you haven't met Harold yet.
I'm gonna introduce you.
This is Harold.
Been my best friend since I was a kid.
You know, my entire life people have been lying to me.
Even my fucking parents!
But, uh, never Harold.
No, he can't lie to me. He can't lie to anyone.
- I can see that.
[sighing]
- I don't know what I'd do without him.
Look at that smile.
So, you got a Harold?
- No. I got an Evelyn.
- Oh, that's cute.
- Before I met her, being alone was all I knew.
You know, she makes everything easier, you know?
Sometimes I wish I could make her laugh. Right?
I have to say after all this time
that's the sound I miss the most.
- [Sweet Tooth] You know what sound I miss the most?
The sound of hand meat clapping together.
Nothing like that glorious applause.
I mean, it's almost better than, I don't know,
hearing somebody choking on their own blood.
But look at me getting carried away.
Good thing that your Evelyn's got hands, huh?
She must clap for you all the time.
- Nah, she doesn't. She's my car.
- You talk to your car?
That's weird, man.
Ah, mwah! There you are.
So, if Evelyn's not the girl, who's she?
I caught this little pest crawling through my vents.
See, I was gonna starve her.
Watching the life slowly drain from their eyes.
Kind of my artistic process.
[laughing]
You know, the last guy lasted almost four weeks.
Hey, Wilbur!
I think she's gonna give you a run for you money.
She won't.
Bubby-baby, bubby-baby.
- Hey, you tried to kill me every chance you get.
Why should I show you mercy?
Goddamn it!
Hey, man, why don't you let her out?
- And why would I do that? - No, no, no, listen.
What good is an audience of one?
Think about all the meat slapping
you'll hear with four hands.
- Ah, that's true.
I don't often get feedback
from the 18 to 35 female demographic.
Fine! [sighs]
You fish her out and take a seat.
Don't worry, I got a table just for you.
- And what happens after the show?
- Well, you go on your merry way.
- Really?
- Well, if I'm being honest,
nobody has survived all three acts.
Gird your loins!
- Tonight, you will be enjoying
white tiger prepared three ways.
There's a whole pack of those milky white assholes
breeding up on the fourth floor.
Anyway, enjoy.
Bony tit!
- Give me back those keys! Hey, hey!
If it wasn't for me,
you would be a starving corpse right now.
Listen, neither one of us made it pretty far on our own.
So, instead of us trying to-- holy shit, this steak is good.
Instead of us trying to stab each other in the back,
we should put our heads together and figure out
how in the hell we're going to make it through the show.
Is any of this getting through to you?
Blink twice for yes.
Cool, we're fucked.
[clapping]
[clears throat]
- Tonight, I will be presenting a one-man play entitled
"That's In-Room Entertainment",
based on the hotel's in-room entertainment.
**
Hi, I'm Debra from guest services.
And welcome to Nevada!
Deep in the heart of Vegas is the Monte Cristo,
a veritable oasis in the sand.
And don't forget about our promenade.
It features all the latest brands
and is just a stone's throw from the salon.
Girl, might be time to take care of those split ends!
And for all you lovebirds out there,
Las Vegas is still the marriage capital of the world.
Time for kisses!
And you have selected express checkout.
Please leave your key at the drop box
at the front desk.
And thank you for staying with us.
Well, we've come to the Q&A
where I ask the Q's or I kick your A.
So, now is the moment of truth.
What do you think?
- Oh, um, I loved it.
- Liar!
What exactly did you love about it?
- Uh, your performance! I was moved!
What? It was a tour de force!
- I am gonna tour de force this machete down your throat!
If you're not gonna tell the truth,
then I'm gonna make you shut up and bleed.
- It was a fucking snooze-fest.
- Now you talk?
- What the hell did you say?
- It sucked.
Your performance was dull as dick water
and frankly beneath you.
- And you?
You agree with her?
- Yes. I agree with her.
Come on, man, it was boring.
I get it, you've been here forever,
but you did a play about a hotel!
- But didn't Mark Twain say you should write what you know?
- Well, Mark Twain's a dumbass.
You gotta get out in the world, man.
- Yeah. Look, trust me,
you don't want to spend the rest of your life alone.
You end up talking to a car.
- Yeah, like this guy.
- You know what? You're right.
I can't wait here for my audience.
I need to get out there and hunt my audience down.
- Oh, no, no, that's not what I meant.
- No, that's exactly what you meant.
I'm gonna get out there, and I'm gonna embrace the chaos.
Who knows, maybe I'll even fall in love!
The show is going on the road!
**
- That was beautiful, man!
**
- Well, a night of firsts.
My first honest critique,
first people I ever let leave here alive,
but most importantly, my first two fans.
You two.
I got you a headshot.
There's an inscription in that.
- [John Doe] "See you soon." - I hope not.
- Hey, thanks for being honest.
[engine revving and tires squealing]
**
[gunshots]
* Come on *
* Yeah *
* Baby That thong *
* I said I like the way *
* Baby *
* Listen Said I like the way *
* I don't think you heard me *
* Oh-oh-oh *
* Baby *
* Oh-oh-oh *
* Yeah *
* All right *
- [John Doe] You know, I have to admit I didn't think
we were gonna make it out of there alive.
I mean, it would have been a lot easier
if you had piped up instead of just trying to--
oh, come on! Have you learned nothing?
What is your problem anyway?
- I'm trying to find someone.
- Well, I'm trying to get somewhere,
and I lost a hell of a lot of time
watching that god-awful play.
If you put the gun down, I'll drop you off
as close as I can to where you're going. Deal?
- Fine. But I'm keeping the gun.
- No, come on, that one's new. All right, all right, take it.
What's your name anyway?
Okay, I'll start. Hi, I'm John.
You're...?
Bridget?
Yolanda? Jennifer?
Okay. So, since you like to be quiet,
that's what I'm gonna call you: Quiet.
Is that okay, Quiet? - Yep.
- So, you're really not gonna tell me your name?
- Nope.
- Fine.
Makes it easier when I drop your ass off
in the middle of nowhere, Quiet.
- [Agent Shepard] Sack up, newbs.
Got a live one.
I'll stop the vehicle
and demand to see their open road license.
If they don't got it, they don't pass.
What?
- Hey, sorry, just one question.
Where do we bring 'em?
Oh, and why are we stopping them?
And what's an open road license?
Is it common at the-- - Just get in.
- We learn on the job. I respect that.
- I've never seen a checkpoint
that wasn't outside of a settlement.
And these guys aren't on the map.
So, more delays.
Let me do all the talking.
I deal with these guys all the time.
I speak their lingo.
- Hey, ORL, please.
- Did you just ask me for oral?
- Uh, no, sir. ORL.
Open road license.
- That's an awful acronym.
Hey, look, I'm just a milkman.
I'm just passing through, man. Come on.
And you guys look great, by the way.
I love your shirts, man.
What are you, like a club or a team or something?
- We're officers. Of the law.
- Ah, angry black friend. Okay.
Hey, where-- Get back in the car!
- [Stu] Listen to your friend!
- Eat my ass, motherfucker!
[clicking and buzzing]
[wincing]
**