[John Doe] Twenty years ago, the world fell to shit.
A big ole apocalyptic dump.
Some bug took out all the world's computers.
Power grids down, the Internet gone!
And not having easily accessible porn
freaked people the fuck out!
So, cities put up walls to protect themselves
and threw the criminals out into the chaos
so they could fight over what was left,
which was not much, mostly cars and guns.
Now insiders stay inside and outsiders stay outside.
But there are people who drive between,
badasses, legends, humble motherfuckers like me
delivering precious cargo from one walled city to another.
It's not an easy road
because all these assholes want what I got.
And that's where the cars and the guns come in.
**
- How about some tunes?
Evelyn, may I have this dance?
**
* So you wanna be a rock superstar *
* and live large *
* A big house Five cars *
* You're in charge Coming up in the world *
* Don't trust nobody *
* Gotta look over your shoulder constantly *
- Holy shit!
[gunfire]
- Okay, I got Barry, so who's left?
Gary, Larry. Got it.
* You ever have big dreams of makin' big cream *
* Big shot heavy hitter in the Bentley *
* Be a snob and never act friendly *
* You wanna have big fame Let me explain *
* What happens to these stars and their big brains *
Don't you do it!
Don't you even think about it!
No!
* Then you get dissed by the media and fans *
* Things never stay the same way they began *
* I heard that some never give full to the fullest *
* That's while fools end up dining on the bullet *
* Think everything's fine in the big time *
* See me in my Lex' with the chrome raised high *
[screaming, gunfire]
[groaning]
Where the hell is this exit?
It's like a goddamn maze in here.
[gunfire]
So, if I'm here, then the exit is...
Oh, they have a Footlocker!
Oh! Son of a bitch!
* Gained fame started gettin' ignored *
* I warned him Assured him *
* this ain't easy take it from Weezy *
* Sleezy people wanna be so cheesy *
* the fuckin' lethal *
* Assassins Assassins *
* So you wanna be a rock superstar *
* and live large *
* A big house Five cars *
* You're in charge Coming up in the world *
* Don't trust nobody *
* Gotta look over your shoulder constantly *
* At night I think of you *
* I want to be your lady baby *
* If your game is on You need to call *
Hey there!
- ID!
[grumbling]
It's the milkman. It must be our delivery.
- Yeah, they know me. I'm here all the time.
Hey, Doug! - Hey, John.
He's new. - A virgin?
Oh, I got a big package for you.
All the way from Paso Robles.
Some vultures wanted it real bad,
but not bad enough. You know what I mean?
Hey, that better be unleaded 93 in there;
91 gives Evelyn the squirts.
[Abner] - Payment's been placed in the trunk.
And we have new deliveries for you to, um, deliver.
- You're such a lamb. Where to?
- Fresh batteries for the Gainsboro Colony
and the usual shipment of medicine
to New San Francisco. - New San Fran?
It's been a month already? - Um-hmm.
- Time makes a fool of us all.
What's your name, slugger?
- Abner. - Abner? Really?
I mean, it's a nice name, but you don't meet too many--
well, anyway. Come here, Abner.
How about you let me, uh, slip inside...
- Outside-- you stay outside!
- Hey, take it easy. Relax!
Atta boy.
All right, this has been a gas.
I'll see your shiny faces in a month.
Until then, Abner, eat up! [snorts]
- What'd the milkman bring us this time?
Tonight, we feast!
[John Doe] See, a milkman's job is never done.
It's a big world out there, but at the end of the day
all that matters is me, Evelyn, and the road.
**
* How many special people change *
* How many lives are living strange *
- No way!
It's the Bosch Icon Premiere windshield wipers!
Ha-ha! Mwah!
* Slowly walking down the hall *
* Faster than a cannonball *
* Where were you while we were getting high *
* Someday you will find me *
* Caught beneath the landslide *
[yelling]
- Oh! Get off!
- Give me the package, Milkman!
- Goddamn vultures!
[screaming]
See that?
Tension spring is keeping the blades flexible
for premium wiping performance.
Oh...
**
* Wake up the dawn and ask her why *
[bullet ricochets]
* A dreamer dreams she never dies *
* Wipe that tear now from your eyes *
- Let's go!
Come on!
Let's go! Come on!
* Faster than a cannonball *
* Where were you while we were getting high *
* Someday you will find me *
* Caught beneath the landslide *
* And a champagne supernova in the sky *
- It must be nice.
* Someday you will find me *
Oh...
* Caught beneath the landslide *
* And a champagne supernova *
* A champagne supernova *
[John] At least I was a cute kid.
**
[indistinct chatter]
Damn, look at all these pedestrians, Ev.
All right, time to turn on the charm.
Lookin' real efficient today, Bill.
- Welcome back, John.
- Got a fresh box of insulin for you.
Life must be good if the diabetes are that bad.
Oh! For me?
Oh, you shouldn't have.
You're coming home with me, baby.
What am I taking to San Diego for you?
- Stop!
The COO of New San Francisco wants to talk to you.
Inside.
- Like inside inside?
- Let him through!
[guard] - Open the gate!
- Holy fuck!
**
[guard] - Clear the perimeter!
**
- You can park over there.
- Whew!
Y'all got some big-ass trucks, huh?
All right.
Wait. Oh. Oh, shit!
Oh! Wait!
Oh, shit! Oh-oh boy!
Make sure I leave you enough room
to get out, you know?
All right, here we go. Okay.
There we go. Whoo!
Okay.
- Strip.
- Oh, shit!
[whimpering]
**
All right.
[sighing]
All right.
Guess I'm not getting that knife back am I?
Lemony fresh, what's next?
[Raven] Hi, John.
I'm Raven, COO of New San Francisco.
Let me get you a drink.
So, tell me, what's it like on the outside?
I'm sure you've got some stories.
- Stories? Of course, I do.
Okay, how about this one?
Once upon a time there was a milkman.
Charming, devilishly handsome, you know the type.
Well, he was an outsider.
Then one day a miracle happened.
[gasping] He was invited inside.
For no reason other than to have a beer with a mysterious,
mildly intimidating little white lady.
Ta-da! - Fair enough.
We get a lot of milkmen coming around here.
- Mm!
- But none have come more than twice.
You, on the other hand, have come dozens of times.
You're consistent, reliable, you got a solid ass.
- Boom!
- I want to hire you. - To do what exactly?
- What you do best.
Pick up a package, bring it back.
- It can't be that simple.
- Well, there are a few complications.
One, you can't know what you're transporting.
- Oh! Okay, I have a question.
- It's not organs. - Dammit!
It's never organs.
So, what's the second complication?
- The package is in New Chicago.
[coughs, chuckles]
- Sorry, um, thanks for the beer.
- John, sit! - No, look, I'm sorry.
New Chicago is too far and it's too risky.
- Sit!
Please.
Now, I've gotta tell you, I've got a lot of power.
I can make peoples' desires, their dreams,
their every wish come true.
So, John, what do you wish for?
- Wow! Okay, I wasn't ready for that.
Um, well, hmm, um,
unlimited gas.
Mm-hmm.
A new tee shirt, this one's kinda smelly.
Toilet paper.
You have no idea what I would do for some two-ply.
- I think I can do better.
- Three-ply?
- How about a tour?
- Mmm!
**
[Raven] - See anything you like?
- That's what I get? A souvenir?
I mean, I'll take that girl's hat.
- No, John, this is your prize.
If you go to New Chicago
and bring this package back for me,
I will make you a citizen of New San Francisco.
- I get to live here?
- John, I remember when the colonies
closed themselves off,
when they threw the murderers and thieves and bad guys
out into the world to fend for themselves
without law and order.
But you, you don't belong out there.
You're not one of them.
John, if you do this run,
you won't be returning with a package.
You'll be coming home.
**
- Shit! They're gaining on us!
Faster!
[gunfire]
*
I'm on it, lil' bunny!
You can't find shit back here!
If we're gonna steal shit, we gotta stay organized.
Booyah!
[yelling]
**
Holy shit!
Suck it now, motherfucker!
[laughing]
[officer] - Gotcha!
- We're home free!
[explosion]
[chuckles]
- Let's go collect 'em, boys.
- Make yourself at home. I'll be back in a minute.
**
- What?
This is amazing.
[chuckles]
Perfect place for an ambush.
[thumping] Called it!
Shit!
Oh...
- You're home early. - Yeah.
- Good day? - Yeah, very good.
Come meet John.
John, this is my husband, Noah.
- Huh.
Hi, I was just admiring your, uh, this thing.
- It's an honor.
I've never met a milkman before.
- And you've never met a baby before,
have you, John? - No.
- Her name is Dove.
- Hi, Dove.
Oh! [chuckling]
- I think she likes you.
John's staying for dinner. - I am?
**
Mmm!
Yeah! [laughter]
* The wheels on the bus go round and round *
* Round and round Round and round *
* The wheels on the bus go round and round *
* All through the town *
* The mommies on the bus say I love you *
* I love you I love you *
* The mommies on the bus say I love you *
* All through the town *
- Oh, I almost forgot dessert.
- Oh, yeah.
- Jell-O!
- John, aren't you tired of almost dying every day?
And looking in the rearview mirror
and only seeing yourself?
Aren't you tired of always being alone?
So, what do you say, John?
Will you drive?
**
You have 10 days to pick up the package
and deliver it here.
One second over and the deal expires.
Can you handle that? - I can handle that.
You fixed my window!
[gasps]
Smooth!
- See you in 10 days, John.
- Until then, Jell-O, Raven!
Oh, okay...
Oh, boy. Yep, got it!
Here we go! All right. Jell-O!
- Bye, John!
Bye!
Get it back to its mother.
Ugh!
The payment's in your apartment.
[groaning]
**
- Peekaboo.
- Hi.
Bet you kids are wondering why we pulled you over today.
- I'm not sure what you think we did,
but-but we didn't hurt nobody.
I swear we're innocent.
- Oh.
[laughter]
That's some fresh material right there.
You know, when I was a boy,
my father told me about a police chief
named Breton.
Have you ever heard of him?
- No, sir, but I-- - Then stop talking.
It was rhetorical.
Well, this Police Chief Breton, he cleaned up Manhattan,
which is a burrow of Old New York,
in case you don't know your geography.
But Chief Breton had a theory
that little sins could attract big sins.
And so, he would stamp out those little sins
like a match before it ever caught fire.
And you know what? By jukie it worked.
Crime went down because he showed
no tolerance, no mercy,
not even for petty vandalism,
defecating in the park.
Gosh, not even looting.
He saved New York, and I'm saving this country.
Now then, you two have a choice.
You and your lover...
- Sister, we-we have the same mom and dad.
- I know what a sister is.
As I was saying,
you and your sister have a choice.
You can resist, in which case,
I'll have to napalm the both of you.
Or one of you can make the tough choice.
Take your own life.
Consider it your punishment
for crimes committed against the law.
**
- Eat my ass, motherfucker! [gun firing]
- [Agent Stone] Huh, look at all those brains.
Who knew? Officer?
Let's see...
There you go.
Oh, that's why you're quiet.
You're from Orange County.
I've heard the barbaric things those insiders
will do to their own to keep them in line.
But you, you won't need words to let others know
you crossed paths with Agent Stone.
Let's go, boys.
[screaming]
**
Just in case, you decide to take the path
of your brother.
You have a nice day now, ma'am.
**
- Oh, shit!
[alarm beeping]
Tommy!
[beeping intensifies] Tommy!
- What's the rush?
Not like you're going anywhere.
[chuckling] - A little help, Tommy?
- Saving your ass once again.
You're lucky.
This baby blew the pants off a vulture last week.
Took me days to get the blood and toenails out of the tile.
So, you got a delivery for me
or are you just here to chap my ass?
- Neither. I need a map.
- A map? - Yeah.
- Well, hell, why didn't you say so?
Come on over.
Where you headed?
Got a lot of people going to the great white north.
Hear there's a steel rush.
Huh, I got a route here through the redwoods
that would make your nipples spin
like a lady in the burley-q show.
[chuckling] - I'm not going north.
- Huh.
- I'm going east.
- East? How far east are we talking?
- New Chicago.
- Give me your belt, John.
- Why? - You're clearly suicidal,
so give me your goddamn belt! - Hey, stop that, man!
It's a once in a lifetime opportunity.
- You have no idea what's out east, do you?
- Of-of course, I don't.
I've never driven past Barstow.
That's why I'm here seeing your pretty face.
[scoffs] - Okay...
Okay, New Chicago.
New Chicago is 2,132 miles from here.
You know what that means?
- I shouldn't walk.
[groaning] [chuckles]
- It means 2,132 miles of no cover.
No protection, no safe harbor.
The only shelter means dealing with
a bunch of brainwashed, burger worshipping screwballs.
- I'm not that desperate. - You might be.
The roads out east aren't like the roads here.
You won't be dealing with your run of the mill vultures.
These boys are predators.
Even the people trying to bring the law back
are just as dangerous.
There's chaos out there, John.
You'll be dealing with it alone.
So, I've gotta ask...
Is the risk worth the reward?
Oh...
You're gonna have to go through Vegas, John.
We both know who rules Vegas.
["Wheels on the Bus" playing]
**
[engine roaring]
[laughter]
[engine approaching]
**
- Why is the map so small?
Wait, is that a dick?
Whoa!
[tires screeching]
Gah!
You know, it's really rude not to introduce yourself
before pulling a gun on someone.
[gun firing]
Oh, this is ruder!
[muttering]
How about you lower that sorry excuse for a gun
and I'll lower my exceptionally cool blade.
We don't want things to escalate, do we?
[gun cocking] Okay.
See? Now things have escalated.
It's you.
["Wheels on the Bus" playing]
[laughing]
We don't have time for this.
So, how about you tell your partner
to come out from where he's hiding--
Okay, whoa! Touched a nerve.
You're hurt. I get it.
There's a way out of this, okay?
[laughter]
[laughter continues]
["Wheels on the Bus" playing]
**