Morning. [gasps, cheers]
Happy Halloween.
Hi, guys. Hey.
Uh. Ice Spice?
Like?
- Nah. Box. Mm-hmm. - [student whines]
It's Halloween here at Abbott
and some of the costumes can be a little risqué.
So, I have a box full of backups.
I want everyone to have a shot
at winning the big costume contest that's later today,
so I need to make sure they're both age and fear appropriate.
[screams] Oh, my God.
No, too scary.
Good lord. Bin, please.
Oh! Little Black Panther.
- [gasps] Oh. - Wakanda Forever!
Maybe just Wakanda for the day. [claps]
And maybe just keep your mask on, all right?
Okay, who's next?
["Hold 'Em" playing]
[music ends]
Yes. [chuckling]
Oh, sorry I'm a little late.
Oh, no problem, Nina. Good to see you.
So, uh, what do you have planned for Halloween today?
Every year, a teacher is given the responsibility of turning the library
into a Halloween party that all of the students can enjoy.
And this year, Abbott is keeping it classy
because all of the treats are up to me,
the number one trick.
Well, we're gonna be playing some ghostly games,
decorating some creepy crafts,
and the main event, bobbing for apples.
You know, I was talking to some of the parents at the PTA meeting...
- Mm-hmm. - ...and we'd prefer if the kids
didn't bob for apples. It's unsanitary.
But she's been doing that since before I even got here.
It's great.
We'd prefer you didn't do it.
- But it's tradition. - [Nina] So is tipping,
and I'd prefer we didn't do that either.
Well, I will take that under consideration.
No consideration needed. Just don't do it.
Can I offer you a cupcake?
Are you handing those out to the kids?
'Cause you can't do that. And we all know why.
- Do we? - I certainly don't.
They could have razor blades in them.
Or worse, nuts.
Happy Halloween.
The happiest.
Boy, you prank your cousin one time by putting a razor blade in a cookie,
and all of a sudden it starts a nationwide hoax.
[chewing]
[scratching]
[Janine shrieks]
I did a creepy scratch 'cause it's Halloween.
Yeah, I didn't like that. But I love this.
Oh! Okay. Say the line.
- Bingo. Dino DNA. [chuckling] - [laughs]
Oh, my God. Uncanny. It's like I'm watching the movie.
- Okay, now say your line. - Oh, okay.
[screams] I'm an ancient mosquito who drank dinosaur blood
and now I'm trapped in amber.
- It's spot on. - [laughing]
- We're such a movie couple. - I know.
- We love film. - Uh-huh.
[clicking fingers] Um... Pat Sajak!
Wow. You got a little wheel and everything.
[Janine chuckles] Yeah.
Although, interesting choice for you, given his politics.
Well, I've taken a step back from Elon Musk's Internet,
and now it sometimes takes me weeks to find these things out.
So, you know, I figure if I didn't know--
Yeah, you already bought the suit when you found out.
Yeah, no returns.
Yeah.
Okay, now do us.
Gregory is sexy gumballs.
And Janine is that thing on top of an exterminator truck.
- [Janine chuckles] Yeah. - [chuckles] Very funny.
[Janine] It's...
- [stammers] You don't... - Do you really not know who we are?
Well, give me a hint.
I'll give you a hint.
[Gregory] Okay. Chill, chill.
It's a movie, starts with a J.
Jumanji!
No, that doesn't make any sense.
Um, Jennifer's Body.
- What? N-No, Jurassic Park. - [Janine chuckles]
[stammers] I'm Mr. DNA and Janine is the mosquito trapped in amber.
[Jacob] Oh. Oh. Yeah.
- Yeah, I see it. - [Gregory] Yeah.
The best costumes always require an explanation.
Mmm. Well, thank you, Jacob.
[chuckles] Yeah. First, we're gonna win the Abbott costume contest later today.
Then, we're gonna win the Rubenstein's contest tonight.
[Gregory] Get your broom out, brother.
- There's gonna be a sweep. - [Janine] Mm-hmm.
- [chuckles] A sweetie sweep. - [Janine chuckles]
Hey, who wants a spin?
- Yeah, sure. I'll go. - [Gregory] Uh-huh.
Okay. Yeah. [chuckles]
[imitating spinning noise]
Oh.
- Well, accurate. Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was fun.
[Mr. Johnson] Who you supposed to be?
I kill vampires and I hate taxes.
[gasps] Oh, Blade.
- [Ms. Inez] What about you, Mr. Johnson? - Give you a hint.
I can ball out, boy, but I'd rather be in Fall Out Boy.
He's emo Jimmy Butler, duh.
There's not a costume I don't get.
Oh, okay. Yeah, I... I get it.
It hurts when you lie, Jacob.
[breathes heavily, sighs]
Some days I wonder if anyone will ever understand me.
- [Melissa] Oh. - Would anyone care for a tasty cupcake...
- Yes. - ...since apparently,
I cannot give them to my students anymore.
[Ava] Yeah, can't have that. [chuckles] Might have razor blades in 'em.
Then why are you taking one?
Well, I know you didn't put razor blades in them.
You ain't got that dog in you. [chuckles]
[Barbara] Then why would you say they might?
Since when do my cupcakes have razor blades in them?
Since when can't kids bob for apples because it's unsanitary?
Oh, that I get. It's objectively gross.
Jacob, you are Pat Sajak.
Wheel of Fortune is an institution.
You above all should understand the importance of tradition.
My students have bobbed for apples since I started here at Abbott,
and not one time has anyone reported sick.
And now I don't have a main event for the library.
Well, you gotta figure out how to fill that time.
- [Barbara] Hmm. - [gasps] Wait, I got it.
You could carve pumpkins and call them "Black-o'-lanterns".
Okay, I won't comment on the name, but that's a bad idea.
What about ghost stories? Roz, you could do the voices.
Oh, I am not reading for three hours straight.
- Just like the cat, lazy. - Lazy.
Now, you all, it's not as if Roz could do that many voices anyway.
[Transylvanian accent] Okay fine, I will do it.
[chuckles] Wait.
I'm waiting for Janine so we can make our big entrance.
It is a couple's costume after all.
- [pants] Ready. [exhales sharply] Ready. - [Gregory] Ready.
[Janine chuckling]
Okay. Okay, don't tell me, I'm eight for eight today. I'll get it.
You're...
You are, um...
teachers in crappy costumes. [chuckling] I don't...
[scoffs, chuckles] Oh. You know what?
We are standing on the wrong side of each other, we talked about this.
- Hold, please. - [stammers] Sorry.
Mosquito in amber and Mr. DNA.
- From Jurassic Park. - [Gregory] Thank you.
- Yeah, I got it earlier in one guess. - [Janine] Yay.
Oh, babies, this is, uh, terrible.
[chuckles, shrieks] What? No, it is not.
I mean, come on, Ava get's it, so...
Yeah, I get it. I didn't say it was good.
- [Barbara grunts] - I know what rye bread is. Still nasty.
Yeah. I mean, it doesn't even make sense as a concept.
Oh, that's 'cause you don't know the movie.
- [Janine] Yeah. - [Melissa] Oh, I'm sorry.
What don't I know about the oldest movie in history
to surpass a billion dollars in ticket sales?
These [bleeps] kids think they're the only ones that know anything about movies.
You guys, I'm sorry but you don't know what you talking about.
I mean, whose couple's costume is touching ours?
- [Melissa] Mine. - You are a single guinea pig.
Mm-hmm. [chews]
I say this not as a hater, but as a connoisseur of culture...
When did you start coming in the lounge?
...the two of you don't stand a chance in that costume contest.
Well, I'll say it as a hater, "haterly," y'all gonna lose.
But you are going to do it being so very yourselves,
and that's beautiful.
- Yeah, this costume is very on-brand. - [Barbara] Mm-hmm.
And what does that mean?
She means you a headass couple doing headass things.
- [Barbara] Hmm. - I'm sorry, headass?
Look, in this scenario, I think it refers to two lovers
who are in their own slightly delusional, somewhat cheesy, bubble.
You know, unable to see how the outside world is perceiving them.
Stop explaining slang.
And I know what it means, Jacob. And we're not it at all, so...
Oh, I disagree, Mr. Headass and headass trapped in amber.
- [Melissa, Ava chuckling] - Oh, I'm see a heap of "headassery".
Yeah, it's like you're in your own little headass world thinking you're so cute.
- Hey, we are cute. - [Barbara] Hmm.
Cutest little headasses I ever saw.
- We are not headass. - [Ava] Yeah?
Then what's this?
[all laughing]
[Ms. Inez] Let me see. Let me see. Show me. Show me. Perfect.
- [laughing continues] - [Melissa] Oh, my God.
Yes, welcome, welcome, all. Come on in.
So you guys decided to still go with the bad costumes?
They're not bad.
Oh, I'm sorry. Headass.
So, a headass costume would be like...
- PB and J. - Yes.
- Or salt and pepper. - [Janine] Mm-hmm.
- Or ketchup and mustard. - [Janine] Yeah.
- Our costumes are thoughtful. Highbrow. - Whip-smart.
Headass.
- [carrot snaps] - [Melissa chewing]
And he heard a voice that said,
[imitating character] "Where is my golden arm?"
[Barbara. Ms. Inez] "You've got it!"
- Was that supposed to be scary? - Do Skibidi Toilet next.
I got a ghost story so scary it will make your toenails curl.
[Barbara] Okay.
Vietnam, 1971.
I was on vacation--
[Barbara] Stop, Mr. Johnson.
This isn't working.
My suffering continues.
Um, I'm all out of stories and we've got an hour and a half to kill.
[Barbara, Ms. Inez chuckling]
Attention, everyone.
It's time to pivot.
I don't care what those parents say.
They are not here in the trenches.
So we are bobbing for apples.
[student] Hey. What are y'all dressed as?
Oh.
Well, I am the mosquito in amber from Jurassic Park.
And I'm Mr. DNA.
What is that?
A DNA strand is the blueprint to all living creatures.
You know, from the movie.
Why aren't you dinosaurs?
Well, because the mosquito and Mr. DNA are the bedrock of the film.
You could've just been dinosaurs.
It's a valid point.
I'm not gonna lie, I'm starting to think we're not gonna win later.
I mean, the teachers not getting it is one thing,
but the kids don't seem to get it either, so... [sighs]
Hey, do not let that kid shake your confidence, okay?
Okay. Okay.
Have you seen his drawings?
- They're ass. - They are.
They're ass. [chuckles] They're really bad.
He doesn't know how to shade or stay in the lines or crosshatch.
- What does he know about art and culture? - You're right.
- Jerk. - Nothing.
Now it is time to bob for apples.
- [Melissa cheers] - [Barbara] You go first.
There ya go.
Mrs. Howard, our parents said we can't do that.
I understand.
And that is why we are not going to tell any of our parents.
After all, it's Halloween.
A day for deceit.
So... [shushing]
Actually, that was just an excuse.
I don't wanna do it.
Okay, fine. Sit it out.
More apples for the rest of us.
- I don't want to either. - Wait. Why not?
Because the water goes up my nose and it's gross and it's germy.
And we all just had ringworm.
[Barbara] Come on, this is gonna be fun.
It's a tradition.
My students have been doing this since when I first started teaching.
Yeah, but that was, like, a thousand years ago.
[Melissa] Mr. Gregory's class did it last year and they had a blast.
Go ahead, tell them how much fun it was.
I didn't say anything last year, but I think it's nasty.
- Okay, you're dressed as a toilet, kid. - That should tell you how gross it is.
[Barbara] Okay, fine.
I will show you just how much fun it can be. [inhales sharply]
- [Melissa] Wow. - [Janine] Oh, she's going in.
- [Melissa] Yeah! - [Barbara gurgling]
How do you like them apples?
Don't come back up till you get all of 'em, Barb!
- [cheers, laughs] - [students applauding]
- [Barbara gasping] - [students screaming, laughing]
- [Janine, Gregory groan] - [Barbara] See how much fun this is, kids?
I'm gonna get one the next time.
- Yeah. [gurgling] - Oh, sure.
Let's just splash water everywhere in the only carpeted room in the school.
What is Melissa doing?
Hey. Don't worry about that, okay?
- [Gregory] It's go time. - Okay. How do I look?
- Like we 'bout to win a costume contest. - [Janine] Right?
[Ava] It's time for the pairs.
All my dynamic duos, come on up.
Corn and scarecrow.
Mr. DNA and mosquito trapped in amber.
And... [stammers] Miss Schemmenti.
Miss Schemmenti, where's your partner?
I'm so glad you asked that, Andrew.
Presenting Sweet Cheeks and...
Miss Schemmenti!
[audience applauding, whistling]
[Mr. Johnson] Oh, my God.
I don't know who's who.
[both stammering]
- It's gimmicky. - Yeah. I mean, it's derivative.
- I've definitely seen it before. - Right?
- Where did she get that wig? - [Sweet Cheeks squeaking]
And the winner is, by unanimous decision, without a doubt:
- Miss Schemmenti and Sweet Cheeks. - [audience applauding, cheering]
[Gregory] Excuse me?
[cheering continues]
[Melissa] Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Thank you so much.
I took me 14 hours to sew this little pleather jacket.
And if we had lost, I would've been in a really dark place.
- [Sweet Cheeks squeaking] - So thank you.
- Thanks so much, y'all. - [audience applauding]
[Janine scoffs] Okay, but we would've gotten second, right?
No you wouldn't have.
The scarecrow and the corn had it in the bag.
What can we say? It lacks a certain je ne sais quoi.
Oh yeah, says the goat.
That's right, the GOAT. Muhammad Ali.
Oh.
- That's really good. Very good. - Yeah, that's very good, Andrew.
That's very creative.
Our next category is unpopular teachers that insisted on participating anyway.
[sighs] We've got...
Y'all see 'em.
Mr. Hill, who are you supposed to be?
Oh, I'm, uh, I'm-I'm Pat Sajak. [chuckles]
Who's that?
Yeah, you guys probably don't know him. It's... It's fine.
I will take my L expeditiously.
Of course they know him.
The man is an icon.
Okay, come on.
Show of hands, who knows Mr. Patrick Sajak?
[Melissa] Barb, they don't know him.
We just need to jog their memory.
- Why is she standing up? - No idea.
Come on, y'all.
Pulling up the TV tray with a piping hot potpie to watch the wheel.
It's an American tradition.
Like bobbing for apples.
Spin the wheel, Jacob.
Yep. [chuckles]
Harder.
[Barbara laughs]
Oh, kids. You don't know this?
It's probably because he doesn't even host Wheel of Fortune anymore.
- What you talking about, boy? - Well, he's retired.
Forty-one years, 8000 'sodes. He had a good run.
What are they gonna do without him, huh? Spin the wheel themselves?
- Well, they always, uh-- - [Barbara] Jacob,
leave the stage and come back so that you can receive
the level of applause and appreciation that you deserve.
- Okay. - [Barbara] Mm-hmm.
Barb, hey, just let this go and then later we'll get a drink--
- I do not need a drink, Melissa. - Okay.
I need these children to recognize a cultural icon.
Yes! [laughs]
- [Gregory] Yeah. - [Janine] Yeah.
I said clap for Pat Sajak or Halloween is canceled!
[Melissa] Oh.
[students applauding]
[chattering]
[Barbara] Oh...
- Maybe I do need a drink. - Yes.
[chuckles] I'm sorry.
["Somebody's Watching Me" playing]
Hey.
This costume is itchy. My last costume wasn't itchy.
I have no access to my pockets.
So, we realized that our original costumes were going over people's heads.
- Too highbrow. - Yeah.
So we stopped at Spirit Halloween and picked up something else.
With these costumes, which are actually headass...
- Mm-hmm. - ...we have a chance of winning.
- Which we wanna do. - Yeah.
'Cause we want people to look at us and go,
"They go good together."
'Cause we do go good together.
Like peanut butter and jelly. [sighs]
GE and J.
[Janine sighs]
Oh! Peanut butter! Jelly!
Nom, nom, nom. [laughs]
[Janine, Gregory] Thank you.
I'm not even a protein. I'm basically just candy.
I told you we could switch.
- No, it's fine. It's fine. - All right.
How do I get to my phone?
I don't know why not being able to bob for apples
bothered me so much,
but it really did.
I don't know. I...
I just don't know.
Barb, you lost a tradition.
Yeah, that's right.
Okay, so my family used to barbecue on the lawn
at the old Coal and Iron Police headquarters,
and then one year a burning coal
mysteriously found its way into the building and it burned down.
But the next year, we found a new site to desecrate.
Because that's what you do.
Yeah, but I've been bobbing since before I can remember.
- I was so good at it. - [chuckling]
They used to call me Bobra.
[Melissa laughing]
I'm not gonna forget this.
The day I stop doing something I don't even remember starting.
Well, tonight we'll just start a new tradition, okay?
'Cause we keep on pushing.
We adjust.
Yeah.
'Cause things never stop changing.
Pat Sajak, reporting for duty.
Pat Sajak?
- [Jacob] Pat Sajak. - Did you know--
Yeah, I-I know. I know.
I know now, okay?
But not until after I made the wheel.
And what am I supposed to do with this thing? Just throw it out?
Look at the craftsmanship.
- Hi. Uh, peanut butter. - And jelly.
Peanut butter, your tag's still on.
Really?
I don't... Where?
- [Janine] I don't see it. Where is it? - [Gregory] Oh, wait. Spin around. Okay.
Hold on.
[Janine] Wait, wait. Don't pop it.
Gregory, look at that couple's costume.
[both] Ash Wednesday.
- [Janine chuckles] - [Gregory] That's headass.
It is.
Uh, we'd like to change our submission, please. [clears throat]
Uh, hey. What are you doing?
[Janine] Look, look, look, look.
We need to go back to our original costumes.
But no one will get it.
We'll get it, and that's all that matters.
Look, as long as we are in our own bubble together,
no one could ever pop it.
So, can we change our submission?
Imagine if I said no.
I'm gonna be Mr. DNA.
And I am gonna be a mosquito trapped in amber. [chuckles]
Whatever.
- You write it down? - Did you write it down?
Yeah. No... I'm writing it.
Okay.
All right, who wants to bob for apple schnapps?
Yeah! Two right here, right here, right here.
Okay, there you go. Thanks, sweetheart.
Okay, come on, Bobra, let's see what you got.
[grunts]
[squeals]
- [cheers] - [Barbara laughing]
[Melissa grunts] Yeah... Oh, boo.
Are we still doing nurse's costumes?
C'mon, that's not even a sexy one. [laughing]
[Barbara] Melissa, I think that person is an actual nurse.
[smacks lips] I said what I said.
See, this could be our new tradition.
- [taps bar] - Two more.
The next contestants are...
[chuckling] What... Uh--
Oh, my God, I don't even know.
- I knew he wasn't gonna write it down. - It's fine... I know.
- Just go, just go. - Why didn't he write it down?
- Look at this. [muttering] - [Gregory] They'll know. They'll know.
[Janine] Hey. Hi, every... Oh.
I'm so sorry. Yeah.
You might recognize us from Steven Spielberg's masterpiece,
Jurassic Park.
[mic hisses]
I'm the incredibly clever way of providing exposition, Mr. DNA.
He looks just like it.
And I...
I am a riveting plot device, the mosquito trapped in amber.
Uh-huh.
- [MC] Oh. Okay. - [patrons mumbling]
[Jacob] Well I love it!
Hear, hear!
Innovative.
[Mr. Johnson] Would you cut it out?
[Janine] Thank you, persons we don't know.
Okay, let's hear it for the effort.
[patrons mumble]
[sparse applause]
Okay, who's next?
- [patron] Wait a minute. - [patrons gasping]
[MC chuckling] Whoa-ho-ho-ho!
Next up, we have Grace Jones with a sword [laughs]
I'm Blade, bitch.
[patrons cheering]
[imitating slicing sounds]
[patrons cheering, applauding]
- [patron laughs] - Who wants to bob for more shots, guys?
[Melissa] Oh, yes. Right here.
We've already paid for 'em.
You take one. Get you one, Barbara.
You know, I'm gonna head out.
- What? Are you okay? - [Barbara] Yeah.
This has been fun. I'm just a little tired.
Do you need me to walk you to your car?
- This sword only looks fake. - [Barbara chuckles]
- [Barbara] Thank you, I'll be fine. - Okay.
Y'all get home safe now.
[Jacob] We will.
Oh, my God.
Sweet Cheeks.
Look for Sweet Cheeks. Look for him.
Every... Hey, everybody look for a guinea pig who looks like me but little.
Can you see anything?
No. Wait a minute.
Never mind. Didn't bring him.
As you were.
- [all laughing] - [Melissa laughs] I didn't bring him!
[Jacob] To Sweet Cheeks!
[all cheering]
[Barbara] It certainly was a different Halloween for me.
Tried a few new things.
That's the interesting thing about traditions.
I mean, the first time you do them, it's just something you're testing out.
There's something so beautiful about unwittingly discovering things
that will become so important to you and those you hold dear.
On the bright side, I heard that Pat Sajak
is gonna be hosting Celebrity Wheel of Fortune.
And, well, maybe I can replace Vanna White.
What do you think?
[Ava laughs] Yeah, but you a ghost every year.
[student] Oh. Daywalker. [hisses]
Bloodsuckers.
[imitates sword chiming]
[imitates slice]
[growls]
[screams] Ya!
[students laughing]
All right, see y'all at school tomorrow.
[snarls] Ha!