1
00:00:03,723 --> 00:00:06,323
Thank you for clicking on this link.

2
00:00:06,323 --> 00:00:09,443
You are using the internet
to view pornography.

3
00:00:09,443 --> 00:00:13,043
Would you like your wife
and children to find out about this?

4
00:00:13,043 --> 00:00:14,523
Of course you wouldn't.

5
00:00:14,523 --> 00:00:18,323
You can stop this happening
by sending just $3,000,

6
00:00:18,323 --> 00:00:20,203
paid in Bitcoin to...

7
00:00:20,203 --> 00:00:21,243
Hold on.

8
00:00:22,443 --> 00:00:23,763
This is dodgy.

9
00:00:23,763 --> 00:00:26,803
What's the problem, Steven?
This is blackmail.

10
00:00:26,803 --> 00:00:32,203
Some cyber-snoop, blackmailing poor
chaps innocently browsing porn.

11
00:00:32,203 --> 00:00:35,123
So? Well, blackmail's illegal.

12
00:00:35,123 --> 00:00:37,523
Steven, this is Clem Fandango,
can you hear me?

13
00:00:37,523 --> 00:00:40,163
OK, handsome has come
as the Milk Tray man.

14
00:00:40,163 --> 00:00:43,923
I'm referring to the rope. You're
not going to hang yourself, are you?

15
00:00:43,923 --> 00:00:47,363
It's for slack rope walking.
We do it most Wednesday afternoons.

16
00:00:47,363 --> 00:00:49,083
Slack what? Slack Alice, more like.

17
00:00:49,083 --> 00:00:50,203
Ha!

18
00:00:53,803 --> 00:00:55,163
No, we just head to the park,

19
00:00:55,163 --> 00:00:58,363
sling a rope between a couple
of trees a few feet off the ground.

20
00:00:58,363 --> 00:01:01,403
It's like tightrope walking
but low risk and bouncier.

21
00:01:01,403 --> 00:01:03,123
Hang on a second.

22
00:01:03,123 --> 00:01:07,123
What if someone susses
that it's my voice threatening
these poor unfortunates?

23
00:01:07,123 --> 00:01:09,443
As long as they don't see your face,
I think you'll be fine, Steven.

24
00:01:09,443 --> 00:01:12,283
Oh, right, so you're a lawyer now,
are you, as well as an acrobat?

25
00:01:12,283 --> 00:01:15,403
Honestly, Steven, relax.
It's all above board.

26
00:01:15,403 --> 00:01:17,763
Is there CCTV in here?
BOTH: Yes.

27
00:01:17,763 --> 00:01:20,803
Well, then, I'm off,
I'm not doing this.

28
00:01:20,803 --> 00:01:23,443
I'm not going to jail
for you two prats.

29
00:01:23,443 --> 00:01:26,443
LA prisons are crowded enough
as it is, with all the robberies

30
00:01:26,443 --> 00:01:29,443
and murders and... Kidnappings.
Kidnappings, exactly.

31
00:01:29,443 --> 00:01:32,083
If you don't finish the job, though,
Steven, the client won't pay.

32
00:01:32,083 --> 00:01:34,443
I couldn't give a fuck's house
and do you know why?

33
00:01:34,443 --> 00:01:37,803
Because today is my first day
on the new Star Wars movie.

34
00:01:37,803 --> 00:01:39,123
Mm. Yeah, sure.

35
00:01:39,123 --> 00:01:43,323
Yeah? And I know it'll open
plenty of doors for moi.

36
00:01:43,323 --> 00:01:48,243
So, there's a fair chance this
could be my last ever voice-over.

37
00:01:48,243 --> 00:01:49,803
That'd be such a shame.

38
00:01:49,803 --> 00:01:52,043
I mean, it's always been so great
working with you, Steven,

39
00:01:52,043 --> 00:01:53,683
hasn't it, Clem? Sure has, yeah.

40
00:01:53,683 --> 00:01:56,563
You two are so full of shit
your eyes are turning brown.

41
00:01:56,563 --> 00:02:00,163
You despise me nearly
as much as I do you. Yeah?

42
00:02:00,163 --> 00:02:02,283
You can stick your voice-overs
up your ponies

43
00:02:02,283 --> 00:02:04,763
because you'll never see me again.

44
00:02:08,523 --> 00:02:10,043
Stay safe out there, Steven.

45
00:02:15,843 --> 00:02:16,883
MUFFLED CHEERING

46
00:02:20,683 --> 00:02:21,723
GUNSHOT SOUND

47
00:02:21,723 --> 00:02:24,243
MUSIC: Take My Hand
by Matt Berry

48
00:02:25,843 --> 00:02:28,883
♪ Ba-ba-ba

49
00:02:28,883 --> 00:02:31,083
{\an8}# Ba-ba, ba-ba-ba

50
00:02:31,083 --> 00:02:32,763
{\an8}# Ba-ba-ba-ba

51
00:02:32,763 --> 00:02:35,643
{\an8}# Ba-ba, ba-ba-ba

52
00:02:35,643 --> 00:02:45,443
♪ Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba

53
00:02:45,443 --> 00:02:48,763
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba

54
00:02:48,763 --> 00:02:51,163
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba-ba

55
00:02:51,163 --> 00:02:53,723
♪ Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba. ♪

56
00:02:55,003 --> 00:02:58,603
When I met him two weeks ago,
he seemed totally fine.

57
00:02:58,603 --> 00:03:01,643
How can someone just suddenly die?

58
00:03:01,643 --> 00:03:04,123
Who are you talking about?
My friend, Kelsey Perfume.

59
00:03:04,123 --> 00:03:05,923
He dropped dead last week.

60
00:03:08,363 --> 00:03:11,763
If they got to him, then that means
they might soon be onto me.

61
00:03:11,763 --> 00:03:15,683
I don't care about any of that. I'm
filming Star Wars today, finally.

62
00:03:15,683 --> 00:03:18,203
My car should be here at any moment.

63
00:03:18,203 --> 00:03:21,763
Toast, what's your fake name? What?

64
00:03:21,763 --> 00:03:24,723
If a cop stops you for something,
what name do you give them?

65
00:03:24,723 --> 00:03:28,843
Well, my own name, of course. No,
man, always give them a fake name.

66
00:03:28,843 --> 00:03:30,803
I've got a couple that I use.
Like what?

67
00:03:30,803 --> 00:03:33,363
Frank Succession. Tycoon Lancaster.

68
00:03:33,363 --> 00:03:35,643
Jesus Bond. Russ Nightlife.

69
00:03:35,643 --> 00:03:37,803
August Burdock. Clint Legal.

70
00:03:37,803 --> 00:03:40,803
You just said Russ Nightlife. Did I?

71
00:03:40,803 --> 00:03:44,243
Yes. Is your real name not
Russ Nightlife?

72
00:03:44,243 --> 00:03:45,923
SCOFFS
Sure it is.

73
00:03:45,923 --> 00:03:49,723
Is your real name Steven Toast?

74
00:03:49,723 --> 00:03:52,963
Yes, of course. Yeah. Sure.

75
00:03:54,043 --> 00:03:56,843
Where the hell is my car?

76
00:03:56,843 --> 00:03:58,083
Maybe you should call them.

77
00:03:59,363 --> 00:04:01,603
LOUD, VIDEOGAME-STYLE BEEPING

78
00:04:04,203 --> 00:04:05,683
Hello, you're talking to Sorry.

79
00:04:05,683 --> 00:04:08,603
I use the pronouns
She, Her and Here.

80
00:04:08,603 --> 00:04:10,403
I'm one of the production
coordinators

81
00:04:10,403 --> 00:04:12,323
on the new Star Wars movie,
Force The Wind.

82
00:04:12,323 --> 00:04:14,123
How may I help you today?

83
00:04:14,123 --> 00:04:18,483
What's your name, sorry? Sorry,
yes, that is my name. Sorry Johnson.

84
00:04:18,483 --> 00:04:20,843
Johnson, no. My name's Toast.

85
00:04:20,843 --> 00:04:24,003
Look, I'm one of the main actors
in the film you're shooting today.

86
00:04:24,003 --> 00:04:25,683
Where's my car?

87
00:04:25,683 --> 00:04:29,403
Um, so we're not exactly sure
when that would be.

88
00:04:29,403 --> 00:04:32,043
Things are a little uncertain
right now due to the producers

89
00:04:32,043 --> 00:04:33,923
trying to co-ordinate
an onset visit

90
00:04:33,923 --> 00:04:37,963
by Her Royal Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II of England.

91
00:04:37,963 --> 00:04:39,723
The Queen, you say? Yes.

92
00:04:40,723 --> 00:04:43,523
I have your phone number
on file right here, Stuart,

93
00:04:43,523 --> 00:04:45,763
I can give you a call
when we have more information.

94
00:04:45,763 --> 00:04:47,443
It's Steven.

95
00:04:47,443 --> 00:04:50,123
Ah, well, things have gone
a little more complicated.

96
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:54,003
The Queen is due to visit set.
Who gives a shit?

97
00:04:55,083 --> 00:04:57,363
Well, I've never met the Queen.

98
00:04:57,363 --> 00:04:59,443
I once had a brief affair with
her late sister,

99
00:04:59,443 --> 00:05:02,963
the Princess Margaret,
but she was a handful.

100
00:05:02,963 --> 00:05:04,483
I'll have a cappuccino.

101
00:05:04,483 --> 00:05:06,683
You what? You asked me
if I wanted a coffee.

102
00:05:06,683 --> 00:05:08,003
No, I didn't.

103
00:05:08,003 --> 00:05:10,483
Yeah, you said you'd walk over
to the new coffee place

104
00:05:10,483 --> 00:05:12,043
just around the corner.

105
00:05:12,043 --> 00:05:14,283
No, I didn't.
I'm waiting for my car.

106
00:05:14,283 --> 00:05:15,763
I couldn't help but notice, Toast,

107
00:05:15,763 --> 00:05:18,643
that you're a little late with
the rent this month.

108
00:05:18,643 --> 00:05:21,003
♪ Fuck you, Nightlife,
do your own task

109
00:05:21,003 --> 00:05:23,563
♪ I'm a private jet,
you're economy class

110
00:05:23,563 --> 00:05:25,923
♪ Suck my titties,
I'll smoke your grass

111
00:05:25,923 --> 00:05:29,483
♪ You'll be losing your mind
when you're eating this ass. ♪

112
00:05:31,683 --> 00:05:34,323
I'm sorry, what was that?
Nothing.

113
00:05:43,683 --> 00:05:46,923
How long will this take? Uh, no,
I don't know, it's a new joint.

114
00:05:46,923 --> 00:05:49,083
I'm guessing it's real busy.

115
00:05:49,083 --> 00:05:50,163
Ohh!

116
00:05:50,163 --> 00:05:52,763
MUFFLED: What the fuck do you think
you're doing?

117
00:05:52,763 --> 00:05:54,083
MUFFLED SHOUTS

118
00:05:54,083 --> 00:05:59,083
OK, buddy,
everything's going to be just fine.

119
00:05:59,083 --> 00:06:00,523
Take his hood off.

120
00:06:01,643 --> 00:06:04,883
Listen, before we cut off your ear,

121
00:06:04,883 --> 00:06:06,923
I want you to call your family

122
00:06:06,923 --> 00:06:08,243
and tell them what's happened.

123
00:06:08,243 --> 00:06:11,643
A, I don't have a family.
Hey, Tom, I don't...

124
00:06:11,643 --> 00:06:13,483
Will you shut up, Wallace?

125
00:06:13,483 --> 00:06:18,203
We're on a tight schedule, remember?
But I... What the hell is it, man?

126
00:06:18,203 --> 00:06:19,483
I don't think this is him.

127
00:06:21,323 --> 00:06:23,803
I think we've got the wrong guy.
You what?

128
00:06:25,603 --> 00:06:26,883
Oh, Jesus Christ!

129
00:06:32,523 --> 00:06:34,963
Is this a moving truck?
Let's get him out of here.

130
00:06:36,483 --> 00:06:38,243
What the...? Whoa!

131
00:06:39,443 --> 00:06:40,883
CAR HORNS BEEP

132
00:06:47,723 --> 00:06:49,283
Forgive me for taking a while,

133
00:06:49,283 --> 00:06:52,483
but I was the victim
of an intended kidnapping.

134
00:06:52,483 --> 00:06:54,043
Oh.

135
00:06:54,043 --> 00:06:56,643
The crimewave in this town
is getting ridiculous.

136
00:06:56,643 --> 00:07:00,003
Why are you eating newspaper? I eat
newspaper when I'm anxious.

137
00:07:00,003 --> 00:07:02,083
Why? What am I, a shrink?

138
00:07:02,083 --> 00:07:04,963
I'm nervous about Kelsey Perfume.

139
00:07:04,963 --> 00:07:08,403
They got him, they're going to come
for me next. It just doesn't add up.

140
00:07:08,403 --> 00:07:11,923
He was a fit guy, couldn't have been
more than 70, 80 years old.

141
00:07:11,923 --> 00:07:13,803
You don't just drop dead like that.

142
00:07:13,803 --> 00:07:17,203
Well, he was no spring chicken.
Chicken? What?

143
00:07:18,323 --> 00:07:21,203
They say he had a lot of enemies
in the San Francisco Mafia,

144
00:07:21,203 --> 00:07:24,283
especially after he took a shit
on Tony de Bruzzio's doorstep.

145
00:07:24,283 --> 00:07:27,243
But I don't think it was the mob
that got to him.

146
00:07:27,243 --> 00:07:29,483
I think it was the feds.

147
00:07:29,483 --> 00:07:30,643
PHONE RINGS

148
00:07:30,643 --> 00:07:32,443
Hey, will you get that, Toast?

149
00:07:32,443 --> 00:07:33,643
Quickly. All right.

150
00:07:38,123 --> 00:07:41,403
Hello. Hello, Mr Steven Toast?

151
00:07:41,403 --> 00:07:43,803
Sorry, I need to give you
some information.

152
00:07:43,803 --> 00:07:47,443
Sorry, who is this?
I am Sorry. What, why?

153
00:07:47,443 --> 00:07:49,523
I'm Sorry,
from the production office.

154
00:07:51,043 --> 00:07:55,523
Right. Sorry, yes.
Now I understand. Where's my car?

155
00:07:55,523 --> 00:07:58,803
OK, so, unfortunately, we won't be
getting to your scene today.

156
00:07:58,803 --> 00:08:00,043
You what?

157
00:08:17,683 --> 00:08:19,203
Something happen?

158
00:08:19,203 --> 00:08:22,123
They say they won't get around
to shooting my scene today.

159
00:08:23,683 --> 00:08:26,203
Do you know where Billy is? No.

160
00:08:26,203 --> 00:08:30,003
She's been acting real odd,
asking loads of questions.

161
00:08:30,003 --> 00:08:31,523
Googling stuff on her LA P-top.

162
00:08:32,563 --> 00:08:33,723
Don't you mean laptop?

163
00:08:35,803 --> 00:08:39,403
I thought they were called LA P-tops
because they were invented in LA.

164
00:08:39,403 --> 00:08:42,203
No, they're called laptops
because they go on your lap.

165
00:08:43,283 --> 00:08:46,203
I thought I heard Billy on the phone
last week speaking English.

166
00:08:46,203 --> 00:08:47,803
Did you hear that?

167
00:08:47,803 --> 00:08:49,283
No.

168
00:08:49,283 --> 00:08:52,923
I mean, she could have picked it up
from somebody. What?

169
00:08:52,923 --> 00:08:56,003
You don't just pick up English
by hearing someone speak it.

170
00:08:56,003 --> 00:08:57,603
You have to learn it from books.

171
00:09:00,163 --> 00:09:05,603
If you hear her speaking English...
you tell me, all right? OK.

172
00:09:05,603 --> 00:09:08,043
I'm going out.
Yeah, I gathered that.

173
00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:11,603
Hang on,
you never leave the apartment.

174
00:09:11,603 --> 00:09:13,843
I want to see if I can find out more
about what happened

175
00:09:13,843 --> 00:09:15,403
to Kelsey Perfume.

176
00:09:22,763 --> 00:09:27,683
Jane? Morning, Toast.
Or whatever time it is there.

177
00:09:27,683 --> 00:09:29,123
Why are you calling me, Jane?

178
00:09:29,123 --> 00:09:32,563
Just to wish you all
the best for the Star Wars shoot.

179
00:09:32,563 --> 00:09:34,363
I sent a bottle of whisky to the set

180
00:09:34,363 --> 00:09:37,723
for you to enjoy with your new
Tinseltown friends.

181
00:09:37,723 --> 00:09:40,763
Right. But, just remember,
drink sensibly.

182
00:09:40,763 --> 00:09:42,003
SCRAPING NOISE
Hold on, Jane.

183
00:09:45,123 --> 00:09:49,363
And, whatever you do,
don't mess this up.

184
00:09:50,563 --> 00:09:51,963
Sorry, Jane, I've got to go.

185
00:09:54,603 --> 00:09:55,963
GRUNTS

186
00:09:58,843 --> 00:10:00,723
Bloody hell, a coffin?

187
00:10:00,723 --> 00:10:03,003
Yeah. Give me a hand opening it up.

188
00:10:03,003 --> 00:10:04,163
I'm not touching that.

189
00:10:05,283 --> 00:10:07,123
All right, we're coming in, Kelsey.

190
00:10:10,643 --> 00:10:13,003
Jesus. I wonder what he found
so funny.

191
00:10:15,723 --> 00:10:16,763
Ugh.

192
00:10:16,763 --> 00:10:20,003
Nope, I don't see any sign
of foul play there.

193
00:10:20,003 --> 00:10:21,203
I guess I overreacted.

194
00:10:34,003 --> 00:10:35,723
RUSS HUMS A TUNE

195
00:10:40,603 --> 00:10:44,043
You know, Toast,
we've got to rebury Kelsey.

196
00:10:44,043 --> 00:10:45,963
Can't have a body in the apartment.

197
00:10:45,963 --> 00:10:48,323
I mean, imagine
if the feds found it, right?

198
00:10:48,323 --> 00:10:50,403
If you think I'm going
to rebury this coffin,

199
00:10:50,403 --> 00:10:52,363
then you've got another think
coming.

200
00:10:55,123 --> 00:10:57,443
You know, I wonder
if I would talk that way

201
00:10:57,443 --> 00:11:00,443
if I owed someone $6,000 in rent.

202
00:11:03,083 --> 00:11:05,283
All right.

203
00:11:11,363 --> 00:11:13,923
There. What was so bad about that?

204
00:11:15,083 --> 00:11:17,203
You're a fucking lunatic, Nightlife.

205
00:11:17,203 --> 00:11:20,123
I can't wait for my Star Wars film
to smash.

206
00:11:20,123 --> 00:11:21,763
Then I'll move out of your nuthouse

207
00:11:21,763 --> 00:11:24,403
and into a massive mansion
in the Hollywood Hills.

208
00:11:25,883 --> 00:11:27,523
MUFFLED SHOUTS

209
00:11:34,563 --> 00:11:36,763
It's me again, you fucking morons.

210
00:11:36,763 --> 00:11:39,363
You've got to be fucking kidding me.
Again?

211
00:11:39,363 --> 00:11:41,883
You two pricks need to let me out,
now.

212
00:11:45,923 --> 00:11:47,203
CAR HORNS BLARE

213
00:11:49,323 --> 00:11:50,883
Whoa!
TYRES SCREECH

214
00:11:54,563 --> 00:11:56,803
INNER MONOLOGUE:
This is no way to prepare

215
00:11:56,803 --> 00:12:00,443
for my role in a major science
fiction motion picture franchise.

216
00:12:01,563 --> 00:12:03,243
I'm going to need a new jacket.

217
00:12:35,883 --> 00:12:36,963
Shit.

218
00:12:47,363 --> 00:12:48,443
Jesus.

219
00:12:53,283 --> 00:12:54,723
A parachute?

220
00:12:54,723 --> 00:12:56,883
What the...?

221
00:13:03,003 --> 00:13:04,963
PHONE RINGS

222
00:13:20,763 --> 00:13:22,643
PHONE CONTINUES TO RING

223
00:13:25,683 --> 00:13:26,923
Hello?

224
00:13:26,923 --> 00:13:28,443
Toast, it's Ed.

225
00:13:28,443 --> 00:13:32,283
Listen, I've just seen a fascinating
documentary on the BBC.

226
00:13:32,283 --> 00:13:34,683
It's about a criminal
who hijacked an aeroplane,

227
00:13:34,683 --> 00:13:37,443
threatened to blow it up,
got loads of ransom money,

228
00:13:37,443 --> 00:13:40,003
then jumped out of the plane
never to be seen again.

229
00:13:41,123 --> 00:13:44,683
Reminded me very much of your
strange roommate, Russ Nightlife.

230
00:13:44,683 --> 00:13:46,363
Well, that is fascinating, Ed.

231
00:13:46,363 --> 00:13:49,763
Tell me, did he have an accomplice
named Kelsey Perfume?

232
00:13:49,763 --> 00:13:50,923
No.

233
00:13:50,923 --> 00:13:53,763
Well, then, it's the mob.
What's that?

234
00:13:53,763 --> 00:13:55,243
Hold on.

235
00:13:55,243 --> 00:13:57,043
What the hell, Billy?

236
00:13:57,043 --> 00:13:58,443
Toast, I didn't think you'd be here,

237
00:13:58,443 --> 00:14:01,083
you're supposed to be on the
movie set. What is your name, sir?

238
00:14:02,163 --> 00:14:03,323
Jesus Bond.

239
00:14:03,323 --> 00:14:06,043
It's OK, John, he's not a suspect.

240
00:14:06,043 --> 00:14:09,803
He's a British actor who's here to
star in the latest Star Wars movie.

241
00:14:09,803 --> 00:14:11,323
Yeah, sure.

242
00:14:11,323 --> 00:14:14,083
Look, I feel pretty stressed.
What's this about?

243
00:14:14,083 --> 00:14:16,283
Look, Toast, I haven't been
completely honest with you.

244
00:14:16,283 --> 00:14:18,723
I'm actually an undercover agent
with the FBI. You're a what?

245
00:14:18,723 --> 00:14:21,843
We suspect Russ Nightlife - that's
not his real name, by the way -

246
00:14:21,843 --> 00:14:24,483
is actually involved in
a major criminal incident. Really?

247
00:14:24,483 --> 00:14:25,723
We don't have much evidence,

248
00:14:25,723 --> 00:14:28,403
but he did use a fake ID
at a liquor store downtown.

249
00:14:28,403 --> 00:14:30,483
OK. We're going to bring him
in for questioning.

250
00:14:30,483 --> 00:14:32,603
I always said he was bloody odd.

251
00:14:32,603 --> 00:14:35,083
Talking of clear evidence,
I don't know if this will be of any

252
00:14:35,083 --> 00:14:38,683
use to you, but I've just been in
his bedroom and I found a
parachute...

253
00:14:38,683 --> 00:14:42,483
You what? ..a briefcase full
of rolled-up banknotes... Really?

254
00:14:42,483 --> 00:14:46,803
..a newspaper report indicating that
he'd hijacked an aeroplane... OK.

255
00:14:46,803 --> 00:14:50,243
..a gun and 50 rounds
of ammunition. We got him!

256
00:14:51,803 --> 00:14:53,443
Whoa, whoa, whoa, stay right there.

257
00:14:53,443 --> 00:14:57,003
ED: Toast?
What exactly is happening there?

258
00:14:57,003 --> 00:14:59,563
Sorry, Ed, I didn't realise
you were still on the line.

259
00:14:59,563 --> 00:15:01,123
I can't talk now, we'll speak soon.

260
00:15:01,123 --> 00:15:02,403
Why isn't Billy in trouble?

261
00:15:02,403 --> 00:15:04,003
PHONE RINGS
You speak English?

262
00:15:04,003 --> 00:15:06,403
What? Toast, it's Blair.

263
00:15:06,403 --> 00:15:09,003
I need to talk to you about
that money that you owe me.

264
00:15:09,003 --> 00:15:10,843
BEEP, DIAL TONE
Toast?

265
00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:13,523
Toast, just to inform you,
your apartment's now a crime scene,

266
00:15:13,523 --> 00:15:16,243
so you're going to have to scram for
a few days. You got somewhere to go?

267
00:15:16,243 --> 00:15:19,323
I want to talk to my lawyer.
I suppose they could put me up
in a fancy hotel.

268
00:15:19,323 --> 00:15:20,923
Who? The Star Wars people.

269
00:15:20,923 --> 00:15:22,963
It's the entire reason why
I'm in LA,

270
00:15:22,963 --> 00:15:25,283
I'm starring in the new
Star Wars movie.

271
00:15:25,283 --> 00:15:27,883
Yeah, sure.

272
00:15:27,883 --> 00:15:29,523
I suppose I could go for a stroll.

273
00:15:29,523 --> 00:15:33,283
Nobody just goes for a stroll in LA,
especially not during a crimewave.

274
00:15:33,283 --> 00:15:35,203
I'll be fine. I'm a big enough boy.

275
00:15:36,483 --> 00:15:37,763
Hey, Toast.

276
00:15:41,003 --> 00:15:42,843
Good luck.

277
00:15:42,843 --> 00:15:45,723
Thanks, Billy. I'm not Billy.
My real name is Millie.

278
00:15:46,843 --> 00:15:49,483
Nothing is ever as it appears
in this crazy old town

279
00:15:49,483 --> 00:15:50,563
they call Tinsel.

280
00:15:51,683 --> 00:15:52,923
Tinseltown.

281
00:15:53,963 --> 00:15:55,683
Good luck, Millie.

282
00:15:55,683 --> 00:15:57,363
Bad luck, Nightlife.

283
00:16:27,723 --> 00:16:29,803
My name is Orson.

284
00:16:29,803 --> 00:16:32,243
May I see your invitation, please?

285
00:16:33,403 --> 00:16:35,483
I don't have one.

286
00:16:35,483 --> 00:16:38,763
Though I am starring
in the new Star Wars movie.

287
00:16:38,763 --> 00:16:40,763
Yeah, sure.

288
00:16:42,003 --> 00:16:43,043
Come in anyway.

289
00:16:44,363 --> 00:16:46,843
I, too, am an actor by profession.

290
00:16:48,123 --> 00:16:52,283
I've also dabbled in direction
and production.

291
00:16:52,283 --> 00:16:55,443
Some of my motion pictures
have won prestigious awards.

292
00:16:56,643 --> 00:16:57,923
Yeah, sure.

293
00:16:57,923 --> 00:17:01,123
But, last year...
HE CHUCKLES

294
00:17:01,123 --> 00:17:02,963
..I discovered wine.

295
00:17:02,963 --> 00:17:05,403
And it's pretty much
taken over my life.

296
00:17:05,403 --> 00:17:09,123
I should say it has.
I take it you drink wine?

297
00:17:09,123 --> 00:17:12,003
Right now, my friend,
I'd drink anything.

298
00:17:12,003 --> 00:17:17,483
Try some deux mille dix-sept Patient
Cottat Anciennes Vignes Sancerre.

299
00:17:17,483 --> 00:17:18,723
Good Lord, is that wine?

300
00:17:19,803 --> 00:17:21,003
Yes, it is.

301
00:17:28,683 --> 00:17:31,243
Just spit it onto the floor,
I'll clean it up later.

302
00:17:33,643 --> 00:17:36,603
Have some more.
In for a penny...

303
00:17:36,603 --> 00:17:38,763
That's a Bandol Rouge.

304
00:17:38,763 --> 00:17:40,323
It's an excellent vintage.

305
00:17:42,243 --> 00:17:44,803
I say, any chance
I can swallow some of this?

306
00:17:44,803 --> 00:17:46,723
I did actually come in here
for a drink.

307
00:17:46,723 --> 00:17:49,363
Oh.
I should have mentioned earlier,

308
00:17:49,363 --> 00:17:52,643
we also have another British actor
here with us today.

309
00:17:52,643 --> 00:17:54,003
Would you care to meet him?

310
00:17:54,003 --> 00:17:58,443
You've what? I say, sir,
you in the white safari suit.

311
00:17:58,443 --> 00:18:00,603
White suit?

312
00:18:00,603 --> 00:18:03,083
Well, that could only be one man.

313
00:18:08,483 --> 00:18:11,083
Ray bloody Purchase.

314
00:18:11,083 --> 00:18:13,683
Steven Gonville Toast.

315
00:18:15,323 --> 00:18:17,403
Well, well, well.

316
00:18:19,203 --> 00:18:21,523
I should have known.

317
00:18:21,523 --> 00:18:24,923
Couldn't resist the offer of
free booze, could you, Toast?

318
00:18:24,923 --> 00:18:27,363
I thought I'd seen you around town.

319
00:18:27,363 --> 00:18:29,683
What are you doing here,
you cheap bastard?

320
00:18:29,683 --> 00:18:30,803
Last time I did see you,

321
00:18:30,803 --> 00:18:33,843
you were flying through
the window of a London club.

322
00:18:33,843 --> 00:18:35,803
Why aren't your legs broken?

323
00:18:35,803 --> 00:18:39,563
I have particularly rubbery legs.
They don't break easily.

324
00:18:39,563 --> 00:18:41,563
Meh. Eh.

325
00:18:41,563 --> 00:18:43,923
What are you doing in Los Angeles?

326
00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:47,443
I have acquired the best agent
in Hollywood, Toast.

327
00:18:47,443 --> 00:18:50,043
And I'm actually working -
unlike you,

328
00:18:50,043 --> 00:18:51,883
judging by the state of your jacket.

329
00:18:53,283 --> 00:18:57,803
Fellows, would you mind if I filmed
something for our website

330
00:18:57,803 --> 00:19:01,523
of you two gentlemen
enjoying our wine?

331
00:19:01,523 --> 00:19:06,643
Why not?
The Bandol Rouge is sensational.

332
00:19:06,643 --> 00:19:10,003
Oh, and, Toast, you get
a drop of wine on my holiday suit,

333
00:19:10,003 --> 00:19:11,483
I will send you the bill.

334
00:19:11,483 --> 00:19:13,603
Right, let's get on with it.
Ready.

335
00:19:13,603 --> 00:19:15,443
Enjoy the wine.

336
00:19:16,843 --> 00:19:20,043
Wonderful. This is
the Riserva Chianti, from Italy.

337
00:19:20,043 --> 00:19:21,843
GARGLES, MAKES POPPING NOISES

338
00:19:24,603 --> 00:19:26,723
20 years old.

339
00:19:26,723 --> 00:19:27,843
Beautiful.

340
00:19:29,123 --> 00:19:32,643
Keep going, drink more.
This is the Chateau Angludet.

341
00:19:32,643 --> 00:19:35,203
Riserva Chianti, 1974.

342
00:19:40,803 --> 00:19:42,323
Yeah, savour the flavours.

343
00:19:42,323 --> 00:19:45,163
Peaches, bergamot,
vineyards of ecstasy.

344
00:19:46,163 --> 00:19:47,523
SPITS AND EXHALES

345
00:19:50,843 --> 00:19:52,323
What's next?

346
00:19:52,323 --> 00:19:54,723
Chateau Lafite. Cheers.

347
00:19:56,043 --> 00:19:58,643
1941.

348
00:19:58,643 --> 00:20:00,363
A day without wine
is a day without sun.

349
00:20:04,363 --> 00:20:06,843
Time is a thief to fortune.

350
00:20:10,963 --> 00:20:12,483
What can one say?

351
00:20:12,483 --> 00:20:13,563
BELCHES

352
00:20:15,883 --> 00:20:18,043
I've got a bit of a taste
for this now.

353
00:20:18,043 --> 00:20:19,323
BELCHES

354
00:20:20,483 --> 00:20:22,963
I can't get enough of that.

355
00:20:22,963 --> 00:20:24,003
Superb.

356
00:20:25,163 --> 00:20:26,683
GLASS SMASHES

357
00:20:26,683 --> 00:20:28,803
Gentlemen, my time here is done.

358
00:20:28,803 --> 00:20:31,043
You're going? All right.

359
00:20:31,043 --> 00:20:32,683
Hold your horses.

360
00:20:42,563 --> 00:20:43,963
LAUGHING

361
00:20:45,763 --> 00:20:47,403
LAUGHING

362
00:20:53,883 --> 00:20:55,003
COUGHS AND LAUGHS

363
00:20:55,003 --> 00:20:57,203
PHONE RINGS
Hold on, phone.

364
00:20:57,203 --> 00:20:59,043
Toast.

365
00:20:59,043 --> 00:21:00,963
Good afternoon, my name is Sorry,

366
00:21:00,963 --> 00:21:03,203
I'm one of the production
coordinators

367
00:21:03,203 --> 00:21:04,723
on the new Star Wars movie...

368
00:21:04,723 --> 00:21:07,083
Yes, I know. ..Force The Wind.

369
00:21:07,083 --> 00:21:10,803
Yes, I know.
We need you on set in half an hour.

370
00:21:10,803 --> 00:21:14,883
Her Royal Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
of England is visiting us

371
00:21:14,883 --> 00:21:18,323
during her trip to LA and
we've had to change things around.

372
00:21:18,323 --> 00:21:20,483
Half an hour? Yes.

373
00:21:20,483 --> 00:21:23,003
And would you be able to make
your own way out here?

374
00:21:23,003 --> 00:21:24,963
All of our drivers are busy
at the moment.

375
00:21:27,843 --> 00:21:29,563
Thanks for everything, Orson.

376
00:21:32,923 --> 00:21:34,363
Taxi!

377
00:21:40,203 --> 00:21:42,323
It's me. I'm here.

378
00:21:42,323 --> 00:21:45,923
Excuse me, who are you, sir? Steven
Toast. Are you...? Oh, I'm Sorry.

379
00:21:45,923 --> 00:21:50,323
Well, so you bloody should be.
The taxi cost me $150.

380
00:21:50,323 --> 00:21:51,443
Now, where am I going?

381
00:21:51,443 --> 00:21:55,443
Excuse me, Mr Toast, um,
you haven't been drinking, have you?

382
00:21:55,443 --> 00:21:59,003
Well, I might have had a couple
of glasses of Bandol Rouge.

383
00:21:59,003 --> 00:22:01,523
But I'm as sober as a judge
and ready for action.

384
00:22:01,523 --> 00:22:05,763
OK. Um, just looking at the schedule
here, um, yeah,

385
00:22:05,763 --> 00:22:08,003
things are still a little disrupted
due to the

386
00:22:08,003 --> 00:22:11,843
visit of Her Majesty the Queen
of England to the set. Right.

387
00:22:11,843 --> 00:22:15,683
However, our updated schedule
tells me that you will be needed,

388
00:22:15,683 --> 00:22:18,283
uh, let me see...

389
00:22:20,123 --> 00:22:22,323
Yes, 7:30.

390
00:22:23,443 --> 00:22:24,643
That's five hours away.

391
00:22:24,643 --> 00:22:29,963
Well, it's actually 7:30am,
so that is 17 hours away.

392
00:22:29,963 --> 00:22:33,723
17 hours. What the hell
am I going to do for 17 hours?

393
00:22:33,723 --> 00:22:37,523
Oh, that's your trailer right there,
you can hang out, if you want.

394
00:22:37,523 --> 00:22:39,763
Oh, God. Amazing, thank you, Stuart.

395
00:22:39,763 --> 00:22:41,363
Stuart? It's Steven.

396
00:23:06,203 --> 00:23:08,123
Uh, Mr Toast? Yeah, yeah!

397
00:23:08,123 --> 00:23:12,523
Mr Toast, um, I'm afraid there's
been another change to the schedule.

398
00:23:12,523 --> 00:23:14,403
Oh, not again. What time is it?

399
00:23:14,403 --> 00:23:15,883
It's 4:40pm

400
00:23:15,883 --> 00:23:20,163
and your on-set time has been
brought forward by 15 hours.

401
00:23:20,163 --> 00:23:22,203
So when am I on? Now.

402
00:23:22,203 --> 00:23:24,363
Shit.

403
00:23:24,363 --> 00:23:27,843
Oh, my God. This is our producer,
Mr Doobla-Decca.

404
00:23:27,843 --> 00:23:30,323
He'd like to discuss
what he wants from you today.

405
00:23:30,323 --> 00:23:33,803
Ah, we meet at last.
Steven Toast. Neil.

406
00:23:35,443 --> 00:23:38,043
It is a huge honour to be part
of the Star Wars canon.

407
00:23:38,043 --> 00:23:41,043
I am your obedient servant.

408
00:23:41,043 --> 00:23:43,083
No, my name is Neil.

409
00:23:43,083 --> 00:23:45,803
Neil Doobla-Decca.
There's really no need to...

410
00:23:45,803 --> 00:23:47,843
Neil? Oh, forgive me,
I misunderstood.

411
00:23:47,843 --> 00:23:50,403
Apologies, Steven, that's
our director, Hawk Fahrenheit.

412
00:23:50,403 --> 00:23:52,243
He wants a word. I'll be right back.

413
00:23:54,043 --> 00:23:55,523
I think the Queen's arrived.

414
00:23:57,083 --> 00:23:58,283
Sorry. Yes?

415
00:23:58,283 --> 00:24:02,323
I was talking to Toast. Her Majesty
the Queen has just arrived.

416
00:24:02,323 --> 00:24:04,923
We told her there's a Brit on set
today and she's keen to meet him.

417
00:24:04,923 --> 00:24:07,803
Fantastic. Now, has anybody
told you about your role?

418
00:24:07,803 --> 00:24:10,083
No, no, I don't know anything.
I haven't even read a script.

419
00:24:10,083 --> 00:24:13,563
OK, well, uh,
Hawk will run it through with you.

420
00:24:13,563 --> 00:24:16,123
Jesus.

421
00:24:16,123 --> 00:24:17,683
What's that smell?

422
00:24:17,683 --> 00:24:19,323
It's like gasoline.

423
00:24:19,323 --> 00:24:23,563
Sorry? Yes. Can you get a script
for Steven? Absolutely.

424
00:24:23,563 --> 00:24:27,083
Um, you know I'm so exc...
I can't wait to do this.

425
00:24:27,083 --> 00:24:30,443
Pretty cool to be part
of a Star Wars movie, right?

426
00:24:30,443 --> 00:24:33,603
INNER MONOLOGUE: At last,
I've made it. I've bloody made it.

427
00:24:33,603 --> 00:24:36,763
This is the best moment of my life.

428
00:24:38,043 --> 00:24:40,603
USING RING MODULATOR:
And I will destroy you

429
00:24:40,603 --> 00:24:43,523
and all the people from your planet

430
00:24:43,523 --> 00:24:48,203
when I release a big wind
to blow you all away.

431
00:24:48,203 --> 00:24:49,923
Force the wind!

432
00:24:53,123 --> 00:24:55,843
Die, you tyrant!
Good will always conquer evil.

433
00:24:55,843 --> 00:24:57,803
DISTORTED VOICE: No!

434
00:24:57,803 --> 00:24:58,923
Ray bloody Purchase?

435
00:25:07,563 --> 00:25:09,603
Cut. That was great.

436
00:25:10,723 --> 00:25:14,883
Uh, Mr Toast? Hi, our producer,
Mr Neil Doobla-Decca, thought

437
00:25:14,883 --> 00:25:18,683
he could smell alcohol on your
breath, so he'd like you to return

438
00:25:18,683 --> 00:25:21,643
to your trailer until the Queen
of England says her goodbyes

439
00:25:21,643 --> 00:25:23,003
and leaves the set.

440
00:25:23,003 --> 00:25:24,323
What? Thank you.

441
00:25:24,323 --> 00:25:27,283
APPLAUSE, FANFARE PLAYS

442
00:25:28,683 --> 00:25:30,363
Lovely to meet you.

443
00:25:30,363 --> 00:25:32,483
INDISTINCT

444
00:25:38,763 --> 00:25:41,323
Um, this is your only scene
in the movie, right?

445
00:25:41,323 --> 00:25:42,563
My only scene in the movie?

446
00:25:42,563 --> 00:25:46,203
Of course not. Yeah, I think
it's just that one line.

447
00:25:46,203 --> 00:25:48,003
Thank you, Stuart.

448
00:25:49,443 --> 00:25:51,283
Ah, Toast.

449
00:25:52,323 --> 00:25:53,563
Look a bit rough.

450
00:25:53,563 --> 00:25:55,163
Didn't drink all that wine, did you?

451
00:25:55,163 --> 00:25:57,083
You do know
you're supposed to spit it out?

452
00:25:57,083 --> 00:26:00,043
Very amateurish.
Very unprofessional.

453
00:26:00,043 --> 00:26:03,363
Toast of Tinseltown, it's actually
got quite a tragic ring to it,

454
00:26:03,363 --> 00:26:05,003
don't you think?

455
00:26:05,003 --> 00:26:06,843
You total prick!

456
00:26:12,203 --> 00:26:14,843
This is the worst moment of my life.

457
00:26:18,283 --> 00:26:20,723
MUFFLED SHOUTS

458
00:26:24,243 --> 00:26:26,203
OK, Wallace,

459
00:26:26,203 --> 00:26:30,523
this better be the new star of the
latest Star Wars movie franchise,

460
00:26:30,523 --> 00:26:33,603
from which we can make over
a million dollars in ransom cash.

461
00:26:33,603 --> 00:26:35,603
Otherwise...

462
00:26:37,083 --> 00:26:39,483
Hello, again. Oh, Christ.

463
00:26:42,883 --> 00:26:44,563
♪ Ray! ♪

464
00:26:46,963 --> 00:26:50,803
You need to get rid of him.
Take him on the freeway again? No.

465
00:26:50,803 --> 00:26:54,683
I mean get rid of him for good.
Like, permanently.

466
00:26:55,923 --> 00:26:58,803
You really are a couple
of soppy pricks. Shut up.

467
00:26:59,923 --> 00:27:03,643
So you want me to... You know what?

468
00:27:03,643 --> 00:27:05,043
I'll deal with this myself.

469
00:27:06,403 --> 00:27:07,763
Ah, shit.
GUN COCKS

470
00:27:10,963 --> 00:27:19,763
♪ Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba ba-ba

471
00:27:19,763 --> 00:27:42,003
♪ Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba. ♪