1
00:00:04,363 --> 00:00:08,083
"Jackie Onassis had hidden
the Walther PPK pistol

2
00:00:08,083 --> 00:00:09,923
in her round hat.

3
00:00:09,923 --> 00:00:14,003
"As the motorcade approached the
Texas Book Depository window,

4
00:00:14,003 --> 00:00:18,843
"she knew this was her only chance
to finally murder her husband."

5
00:00:18,843 --> 00:00:21,523
This is bullshit.

6
00:00:21,523 --> 00:00:23,563
Bullshit?

7
00:00:23,563 --> 00:00:25,243
How the hell would he know?

8
00:00:25,243 --> 00:00:28,083
Well, for a start,
her name wasn't Jackie Onassis

9
00:00:28,083 --> 00:00:29,883
when she was married to Kennedy.

10
00:00:29,883 --> 00:00:31,483
It was Jackie Kennedy!

11
00:00:31,483 --> 00:00:35,123
Oh! So, he's a historian
as well as a shitty actor!

12
00:00:35,123 --> 00:00:39,763
OK, but did you know she was having
an affair with Onassis at the time?

13
00:00:39,763 --> 00:00:41,403
No, she wasn't!

14
00:00:41,403 --> 00:00:44,363
She didn't meet Onassis until
many years later.

15
00:00:44,363 --> 00:00:46,603
Come on, you got to help me
out with this guy.

16
00:00:46,603 --> 00:00:48,083
Clem Fandango!

17
00:00:48,083 --> 00:00:49,923
What do you think?
Do I need this shit?

18
00:00:49,923 --> 00:00:53,803
Yeah, and who told you Jackie
Kennedy assassinated her husband?

19
00:00:53,803 --> 00:00:56,763
Who told me? A few guys told me.

20
00:00:56,763 --> 00:00:59,243
A couple of guys who were there.

21
00:00:59,243 --> 00:01:02,443
But more importantly,
Arnold Schwarzenegger!

22
00:01:02,443 --> 00:01:03,723
What?!

23
00:01:03,723 --> 00:01:05,363
So, he was there, too, was he?

24
00:01:05,363 --> 00:01:07,723
No, he wasn't there, you asshole!

25
00:01:07,723 --> 00:01:09,603
He was married to the Kennedys!

26
00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:11,643
Which one? All of them?

27
00:01:11,643 --> 00:01:13,643
All right, you... You know what?

28
00:01:13,643 --> 00:01:15,603
Maybe we should crack on, guys?

29
00:01:15,603 --> 00:01:17,923
You know, hell of a lot
to get through.

30
00:01:17,923 --> 00:01:20,603
Hi, Sola, this is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me?

31
00:01:20,603 --> 00:01:22,603
Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.

32
00:01:24,523 --> 00:01:26,163
What do you...
what do you want?

33
00:01:26,163 --> 00:01:28,963
Nothing. I was just making
sure you can hear me.

34
00:01:28,963 --> 00:01:31,683
Look, do we have to use
this Toast guy?

35
00:01:31,683 --> 00:01:34,483
His attitude stinks,
he sounds like George Lazenby,

36
00:01:34,483 --> 00:01:38,083
he's not professional at all,
his delivery is terrible.

37
00:01:38,083 --> 00:01:40,283
And don't get me started
on his hair..

38
00:01:43,323 --> 00:01:46,803
What, is he saying something?
Sorry, I've lost Sola's sound.

39
00:01:46,803 --> 00:01:50,363
Maybe we should continue with me
just reading the book?

40
00:01:50,363 --> 00:01:52,523
OK, Steven, maybe...
maybe we do that.

41
00:01:52,523 --> 00:01:53,923
Yeah.

42
00:01:53,923 --> 00:01:56,643
Yeah, we've got another 95,000 words
to get through, Steven.

43
00:01:59,123 --> 00:02:02,243
"She thought of her
millionaire Greek lover

44
00:02:02,243 --> 00:02:05,643
"and of her philandering
presidential husband.

45
00:02:05,643 --> 00:02:09,243
"Soon she would be free of Jack
and enjoying the high life

46
00:02:09,243 --> 00:02:12,403
"on one of Onassis's luxury yachts."

47
00:02:52,203 --> 00:02:54,763
This is so great, Jennifyer.

48
00:02:54,763 --> 00:02:57,723
Can I just ask a question,
Mr Chickentoss?

49
00:02:57,723 --> 00:03:00,283
Call me Richard. Go ahead.

50
00:03:00,283 --> 00:03:03,603
Isn't this more like the kind of
thing a hospital visitor would do

51
00:03:03,603 --> 00:03:05,763
rather than a doctor?

52
00:03:05,763 --> 00:03:08,483
That is such a great question.

53
00:03:08,483 --> 00:03:12,163
But, occasionally, a doctor may
place a vase beside a patient

54
00:03:12,163 --> 00:03:14,323
to make them feel more comfortable

55
00:03:14,323 --> 00:03:16,443
before giving them some
terrible news.

56
00:03:16,443 --> 00:03:18,123
Oh, right.

57
00:03:18,123 --> 00:03:19,923
OK, I get it.
No, they wouldn't...

58
00:03:19,923 --> 00:03:22,243
OK. So, everybody,
grab your stethoscopes

59
00:03:22,243 --> 00:03:24,283
from beneath your chairs.

60
00:03:25,603 --> 00:03:27,843
David, you want to try this?

61
00:03:27,843 --> 00:03:29,843
Just place the stethoscope
around your neck

62
00:03:29,843 --> 00:03:31,723
and look concerned.

63
00:03:37,323 --> 00:03:39,683
Uh... Steven, we've not
seen much from you today.

64
00:03:39,683 --> 00:03:41,723
Would you like to try that?

65
00:03:41,723 --> 00:03:42,843
Yeah...

66
00:03:50,883 --> 00:03:52,403
Wow.

67
00:03:52,403 --> 00:03:54,723
That's very, very good, Steven.

68
00:03:54,723 --> 00:03:56,403
Have you played a doctor before?

69
00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:59,243
No. Uh, well, I...

70
00:03:59,243 --> 00:04:02,523
..played a vet in an episode
of The Archers for Radio 4,

71
00:04:02,523 --> 00:04:04,443
but I think they lost the tapes.

72
00:04:04,443 --> 00:04:06,123
I see.

73
00:04:06,123 --> 00:04:08,483
Now, could you try listening?

74
00:04:08,483 --> 00:04:09,603
Yeah.

75
00:04:09,603 --> 00:04:12,683
OK, listening is very important
in doctor acting.

76
00:04:12,683 --> 00:04:14,923
Imagine that a patient
is telling you

77
00:04:14,923 --> 00:04:17,083
his or her terrible symptoms.

78
00:04:21,763 --> 00:04:23,203
Oh...!

79
00:04:23,203 --> 00:04:26,163
It's very obvious to me that
you've played doctors before.

80
00:04:26,163 --> 00:04:27,403
It's so obvious.

81
00:04:27,403 --> 00:04:28,443
I haven't.

82
00:04:28,443 --> 00:04:30,563
Follow that!

83
00:04:30,563 --> 00:04:32,523
OK, everyone, that's all for today.

84
00:04:32,523 --> 00:04:35,243
We'll see you tomorrow,
except for Steven.

85
00:04:35,243 --> 00:04:37,203
Honestly...

86
00:04:37,203 --> 00:04:39,003
..I have nothing more to teach you.

87
00:04:40,363 --> 00:04:41,603
Good Lord.

88
00:04:43,243 --> 00:04:45,163
Hi, uh, Steven.

89
00:04:45,163 --> 00:04:47,923
I've been doing doctor acting
classes for ten years,

90
00:04:47,923 --> 00:04:51,083
and I have never seen anything
like what you did today.

91
00:04:51,083 --> 00:04:52,403
Really?

92
00:04:52,403 --> 00:04:54,283
I mean, that was nothing.

93
00:04:54,283 --> 00:04:57,683
I'm actually here in the States
because I'm playing the lead role

94
00:04:57,683 --> 00:04:59,763
in the new Star Wars movie.

95
00:04:59,763 --> 00:05:01,843
Yeah, sure

96
00:05:01,843 --> 00:05:03,443
What?

97
00:05:03,443 --> 00:05:05,243
Are you playing Dr Spock?

98
00:05:05,243 --> 00:05:06,683
Doctor who?

99
00:05:06,683 --> 00:05:08,323
Oh, Doctor Who.

100
00:05:08,323 --> 00:05:11,403
I don't think anyone watches
that over here any more.

101
00:05:12,403 --> 00:05:14,883
Anyway, would you mind...?

102
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:26,283
You know, I've been meaning
to ask you a question.

103
00:05:26,283 --> 00:05:28,203
You're an actor. Right.

104
00:05:28,203 --> 00:05:30,883
How do you cry on camera?

105
00:05:30,883 --> 00:05:32,243
Well, it's a good question.

106
00:05:32,243 --> 00:05:34,963
Mostly applies to straight actors,
and by "straight" I'm not referring

107
00:05:34,963 --> 00:05:36,723
to their sexual orientation.

108
00:05:36,723 --> 00:05:38,963
I mean serious dramatic actors.

109
00:05:38,963 --> 00:05:40,883
Actors who cannot do comedy.

110
00:05:40,883 --> 00:05:43,923
Your not funny, so how do you do it?

111
00:05:43,923 --> 00:05:45,883
Well...

112
00:05:45,883 --> 00:05:48,763
..I just focus on a spot
in the distance,

113
00:05:48,763 --> 00:05:52,923
I think about snakes, monsters,
aliens - all under my bed -

114
00:05:52,923 --> 00:05:56,323
and when that thought gets
too much, I cry.

115
00:05:56,323 --> 00:05:58,043
Puta de madre!

116
00:05:58,043 --> 00:06:01,723
Hay un hombre ahi abajo...

117
00:06:01,723 --> 00:06:04,203
Some guy blocking
the entrance where?

118
00:06:04,203 --> 00:06:05,643
Show me.

119
00:06:07,403 --> 00:06:08,803
Hey!

120
00:06:08,803 --> 00:06:10,323
Get out of there!

121
00:06:10,323 --> 00:06:12,323
You're blocking the entrance
to my building!

122
00:06:12,323 --> 00:06:13,563
What's happening?

123
00:06:13,563 --> 00:06:15,243
Some homeless guy and his mattress

124
00:06:15,243 --> 00:06:17,043
right in front of the
doorway down there.

125
00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:18,483
You believe that shit?!

126
00:06:26,363 --> 00:06:27,643
Ugh...

127
00:06:39,003 --> 00:06:40,883
How about that, buddy?

128
00:06:40,883 --> 00:06:42,723
Ah...! You like that?

129
00:06:42,723 --> 00:06:44,843
Huh? Argh!

130
00:06:49,123 --> 00:06:52,083
Yo conozco ese hombre.

131
00:06:52,083 --> 00:06:53,603
Si...

132
00:06:53,603 --> 00:06:55,763
No es tu papa?

133
00:06:57,003 --> 00:06:58,603
Was that man out there your father?

134
00:06:58,603 --> 00:07:01,083
Yeah! So what?!

135
00:07:01,083 --> 00:07:04,803
Haven't seen him in 40 years,
since I was five.

136
00:07:04,803 --> 00:07:07,003
Did he leave home
when you were five?

137
00:07:07,003 --> 00:07:08,483
I left home when I was five.

138
00:07:08,483 --> 00:07:09,923
I had enough of those assholes.

139
00:07:09,923 --> 00:07:11,243
Fuck...

140
00:07:16,123 --> 00:07:18,003
Was that really his father?

141
00:07:19,963 --> 00:07:23,163
Can I just start by saying
Mark Ruffalo absolutely

142
00:07:23,163 --> 00:07:25,843
loved your audition. What?

143
00:07:25,843 --> 00:07:29,163
He said he follows you on the
Twitter and the Instagram,

144
00:07:29,163 --> 00:07:32,163
which is where he noticed your tweet
announcing your donation

145
00:07:32,163 --> 00:07:34,523
to his Climate Solutions Project.

146
00:07:34,523 --> 00:07:37,763
How many people retweeted that?
Was it two million?

147
00:07:37,763 --> 00:07:40,763
You're getting me confused
with another actor!

148
00:07:41,883 --> 00:07:43,723
Oh, yeah.

149
00:07:43,723 --> 00:07:45,563
I'm Steven Toast.

150
00:07:45,563 --> 00:07:48,243
Ah, shit, so you are, yeah.

151
00:07:48,243 --> 00:07:50,323
I'm getting confused.

152
00:07:50,323 --> 00:07:52,723
It's been a busy morning.

153
00:07:52,723 --> 00:07:55,603
Do you know anyone in LA
with a spare room?

154
00:07:55,603 --> 00:07:57,203
I need to move out.

155
00:07:57,203 --> 00:07:59,923
Russ Nightlife is
driving me crackers.

156
00:07:59,923 --> 00:08:02,083
You want to move out,
you need cash, buddy.

157
00:08:02,083 --> 00:08:05,003
Everybody knows there's money
in playing doctors.

158
00:08:05,003 --> 00:08:08,003
Who knew you'd be such
a goddamn natural?

159
00:08:08,003 --> 00:08:10,603
You sure impressed the hell out
of Richard Chickentoss.

160
00:08:10,603 --> 00:08:13,603
I didn't do anything. I don't know
what all the fuss is about.

161
00:08:13,603 --> 00:08:17,283
Oh, we have to strike while
the iron's red hot, baby!

162
00:08:17,283 --> 00:08:19,203
You know a Bellender Bojangles?

163
00:08:19,203 --> 00:08:20,883
Belinda Bojangles?

164
00:08:20,883 --> 00:08:22,563
No, BELLENDER Bojangles.

165
00:08:25,603 --> 00:08:27,203
Unusual name.

166
00:08:27,203 --> 00:08:29,603
Though, we are in the US of A.

167
00:08:29,603 --> 00:08:32,043
She's producing a new TV show
set in a hospital,

168
00:08:32,043 --> 00:08:34,003
it's the latest vehicle for Carmen.

169
00:08:34,003 --> 00:08:36,043
You've heard of Carmen, right? No.

170
00:08:36,043 --> 00:08:37,683
The audition is tomorrow.

171
00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:39,363
I'm going to call Bellender now.

172
00:08:40,963 --> 00:08:43,363
Brooke! That car!

173
00:08:45,523 --> 00:08:47,163
Bell.

174
00:08:47,163 --> 00:08:48,883
Sure.

175
00:08:56,763 --> 00:08:58,323
Steven! Hi!

176
00:08:58,323 --> 00:09:00,083
My name's Hoop Kaaak -

177
00:09:00,083 --> 00:09:02,123
that's Kaaak with three As -
director of the show.

178
00:09:02,123 --> 00:09:04,563
Bellender's a little late,
but, you know, that's all right.

179
00:09:04,563 --> 00:09:06,963
We can get to know each other
a little bit. Steven!

180
00:09:06,963 --> 00:09:09,763
I'm Bellender Bojangles.
I'm sorry I'm late.

181
00:09:09,763 --> 00:09:12,003
Brooke has told me all about you.

182
00:09:12,003 --> 00:09:15,643
I am so excited to meet you.

183
00:09:15,643 --> 00:09:18,483
This is so super exciting.

184
00:09:19,563 --> 00:09:21,683
Bellender, I love your shoes.

185
00:09:21,683 --> 00:09:22,883
Oh, thank you.

186
00:09:22,883 --> 00:09:24,323
They're the latest thing.

187
00:09:24,323 --> 00:09:26,603
They're based on the horseshoes,
which are actually nailed

188
00:09:26,603 --> 00:09:29,243
on to your foot,
so they're a perfect fit.

189
00:09:29,243 --> 00:09:30,963
It's only very minor surgery, so...

190
00:09:30,963 --> 00:09:32,603
Mm, they're great.

191
00:09:32,603 --> 00:09:33,763
Hugs all round.

192
00:09:35,203 --> 00:09:36,403
Oh!

193
00:09:36,403 --> 00:09:38,403
What do we like here, Hoop?
Hugs and smiles!

194
00:09:38,403 --> 00:09:39,683
And what do we do here, Hoop?

195
00:09:39,683 --> 00:09:42,923
We love entertaining people
and we love making TV shows.

196
00:09:42,923 --> 00:09:44,483
Do you want in, Steven?

197
00:09:44,483 --> 00:09:46,603
Uh... I'm good, thanks.

198
00:09:51,763 --> 00:09:54,443
I hear you just completed
the doctor acting class

199
00:09:54,443 --> 00:09:56,203
with Rich Chickentoss.

200
00:09:56,203 --> 00:09:57,643
How'd that go for you?

201
00:09:59,043 --> 00:10:01,363
We heard you kicked ass.

202
00:10:01,363 --> 00:10:03,003
I didn't really do anything.

203
00:10:03,003 --> 00:10:06,563
You are being humble, Steven.
We don't do humble in this town.

204
00:10:06,563 --> 00:10:09,043
Well, actually, the real reason
why I am in this town

205
00:10:09,043 --> 00:10:11,723
is cos I'm starring in
the new Star Wars movie.

206
00:10:11,723 --> 00:10:12,963
Yeah, sure.

207
00:10:12,963 --> 00:10:14,203
Sorry?

208
00:10:14,203 --> 00:10:16,083
Would you like to have a read
of some of the script?

209
00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:17,563
I'll find us some hard copies.

210
00:10:17,563 --> 00:10:19,803
Uh, let me just stop you there,
Hoop, if you don't mind.

211
00:10:19,803 --> 00:10:23,043
Steven, would you be OK with
improvising a little?

212
00:10:23,043 --> 00:10:24,123
What?

213
00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:26,603
I was thinking, you could just say
some general doctor things.

214
00:10:26,603 --> 00:10:28,123
You know, anything you like.

215
00:10:28,123 --> 00:10:30,523
As long as they're doctor related.

216
00:10:30,523 --> 00:10:31,883
Uh...

217
00:10:33,923 --> 00:10:36,003
One more thing, Mrs Wisehunt.

218
00:10:36,003 --> 00:10:38,323
Now, I've just seen your X-rays,

219
00:10:38,323 --> 00:10:40,123
and you have six months to live.

220
00:10:43,723 --> 00:10:45,083
Something else.

221
00:10:47,123 --> 00:10:49,003
Are you unwell, Captain?

222
00:10:49,003 --> 00:10:50,523
Oh, that's very good.

223
00:10:50,523 --> 00:10:51,643
Really?

224
00:10:51,643 --> 00:10:53,123
This is amazing. Keep going.

225
00:10:53,123 --> 00:10:55,163
You try any more shit like that,
Mrs Greenflash,

226
00:10:55,163 --> 00:10:57,163
and I'll have to take
your temperature.

227
00:10:57,163 --> 00:10:58,763
Oh...!

228
00:10:58,763 --> 00:11:00,523
Mother, you've got gout.

229
00:11:00,523 --> 00:11:04,043
Probably due to the amount of whisky
and cigars you consume!

230
00:11:07,443 --> 00:11:08,923
That's so good.

231
00:11:08,923 --> 00:11:10,243
Thank you.

232
00:11:10,243 --> 00:11:12,763
May I ask, to be this good,
I'm presuming you've worked

233
00:11:12,763 --> 00:11:14,603
as an actual doctor, right?

234
00:11:14,603 --> 00:11:15,843
No.

235
00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:19,363
I once played a vet on an episode
of The Archers on Radio 4,

236
00:11:19,363 --> 00:11:21,523
but I think they lost the tapes.

237
00:11:21,523 --> 00:11:23,003
It is uncanny.

238
00:11:23,003 --> 00:11:26,043
I loved how you worked out that not
only that your mother had gout,

239
00:11:26,043 --> 00:11:28,283
but also how she got it.

240
00:11:28,283 --> 00:11:30,483
Genius. Well, thank you.

241
00:11:30,483 --> 00:11:32,603
You know, my own doctor was
just fired for having sex

242
00:11:32,603 --> 00:11:34,203
with his colleague's twin sisters.

243
00:11:34,203 --> 00:11:35,803
Really?

244
00:11:35,803 --> 00:11:37,403
Some guys have all the luck.

245
00:11:42,123 --> 00:11:43,203
I'm sorry.

246
00:11:46,563 --> 00:11:48,043
Yes...

247
00:11:48,043 --> 00:11:50,243
Gina, would you tell everybody
coming in later to audition

248
00:11:50,243 --> 00:11:52,163
for the Doctor Grainger part
not to bother?

249
00:11:52,163 --> 00:11:53,803
Ooh, that's good.

250
00:11:53,803 --> 00:11:56,803
I'm presuming you're new to LA,
Steven? Where are you staying?

251
00:11:56,803 --> 00:11:59,323
I'm staying with a friend.
Well, he's not really a friend.

252
00:11:59,323 --> 00:12:01,363
If I'm honest,
I'm desperate to get out.

253
00:12:01,363 --> 00:12:03,403
Well, I think you may be in luck.

254
00:12:03,403 --> 00:12:05,883
I have a great place here
in Beverly Hills,

255
00:12:05,883 --> 00:12:08,283
but I recently moved out
to Santa Monica.

256
00:12:08,283 --> 00:12:11,123
Why don't you stay in my
Beverly Hills apartment?

257
00:12:11,123 --> 00:12:12,163
Really?

258
00:12:12,163 --> 00:12:14,203
It's a fantastic penthouse.

259
00:12:14,203 --> 00:12:16,483
Here, I'll give you the key now.

260
00:12:17,563 --> 00:12:18,923
Thank you.

261
00:12:18,923 --> 00:12:22,123
You can stay there as long as
you want, rent-free obviously.

262
00:12:22,123 --> 00:12:24,883
It's having a multi-million-dollar
refurb at the moment.

263
00:12:24,883 --> 00:12:28,323
But as soon as that's completed,
it's all yours, Steven.

264
00:12:28,323 --> 00:12:29,923
Should only be a couple of weeks.

265
00:12:29,923 --> 00:12:31,323
Sounds splendid.

266
00:12:31,323 --> 00:12:32,523
Welcome aboard, Steven!

267
00:12:33,803 --> 00:12:36,963
My God, you are going to have such
fantastic chemistry with Carmen.

268
00:12:36,963 --> 00:12:38,923
She's in such a great place
right now.

269
00:12:38,923 --> 00:12:43,003
Remarried for the fifth time to
Rodrigos, who we all love dearly.

270
00:12:43,003 --> 00:12:44,923
You guys are going to be
great together.

271
00:12:44,923 --> 00:12:47,363
I'm so super excited to start!

272
00:12:47,363 --> 00:12:48,563
Hot damn!

273
00:13:04,643 --> 00:13:05,763
Thrust?

274
00:13:32,643 --> 00:13:33,963
Steven.

275
00:13:33,963 --> 00:13:35,123
You're here?

276
00:13:35,123 --> 00:13:36,603
I've been here for three hours.

277
00:13:36,603 --> 00:13:38,203
Ah, shoot! No-one told you?

278
00:13:38,203 --> 00:13:39,403
No.

279
00:13:39,403 --> 00:13:40,763
Oh. Sorry, Steven.

280
00:13:40,763 --> 00:13:42,723
You see, Carmen is always
three hours late.

281
00:13:42,723 --> 00:13:45,563
So, if we say nine o'clock,
we know she'll turn up at 12:00.

282
00:13:45,563 --> 00:13:48,283
I'm so sorry,
someone should have told you.

283
00:13:48,283 --> 00:13:49,803
Hayley.

284
00:13:49,803 --> 00:13:52,883
Why did you forget to tell Mr Toast
not to turn up till 12:00?

285
00:13:52,883 --> 00:13:54,283
Erm...

286
00:13:55,363 --> 00:13:56,563
I don't think I was...

287
00:13:56,563 --> 00:13:58,363
OK, Hayley.

288
00:13:58,363 --> 00:14:01,403
Now I look like a douchebag
in front of our actor.

289
00:14:01,403 --> 00:14:03,683
So one of us has to leave
the company.

290
00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:11,963
Jesus, that's harsh.

291
00:14:11,963 --> 00:14:13,403
My apologies, Steven.

292
00:14:13,403 --> 00:14:14,923
That obviously won't happen again.

293
00:14:20,723 --> 00:14:22,563
Come on, boys!

294
00:14:22,563 --> 00:14:24,603
Come closer.

295
00:14:24,603 --> 00:14:27,763
You know what turns me on!

296
00:14:29,163 --> 00:14:31,923
♪ So, take your time
Take it slowly

297
00:14:31,923 --> 00:14:34,243
♪ Drink some wine
It is lovely

298
00:14:34,243 --> 00:14:36,523
♪ Let's make love
Nice and sexy

299
00:14:36,523 --> 00:14:38,923
♪ Let's make sex
Nice and naughty

300
00:14:38,923 --> 00:14:40,203
♪ Fuck these bitches

301
00:14:40,203 --> 00:14:42,123
♪ Fuck 'em in the ass
on my private jet... ♪

302
00:14:42,123 --> 00:14:43,643
What?
# You're economy class

303
00:14:43,643 --> 00:14:45,403
♪ Suck my titties
I'll smoke your grass... ♪

304
00:14:45,403 --> 00:14:46,603
Jesus.

305
00:14:46,603 --> 00:14:48,483
♪ Losing your mind when
you're eating this ass... ♪

306
00:14:48,483 --> 00:14:50,363
Good God!

307
00:14:50,363 --> 00:14:52,883
♪ When you're eating this ass!

308
00:14:52,883 --> 00:14:54,683
♪ Eating this ass. ♪

309
00:14:57,043 --> 00:14:59,643
Hello, everybody! Hola!

310
00:14:59,643 --> 00:15:00,843
Hello!

311
00:15:00,843 --> 00:15:02,883
Mwah, mwah, mwah!

312
00:15:02,883 --> 00:15:05,643
So, Hoop, you want to tell everyone
a little bit about the show?

313
00:15:05,643 --> 00:15:07,363
Yes. I'm Hoop Kaaak -

314
00:15:07,363 --> 00:15:09,923
that's Kaaak with three As -
the director of our show.

315
00:15:09,923 --> 00:15:12,043
It's called The Hospital,

316
00:15:12,043 --> 00:15:14,443
and it's about a hospital in
New York for sick children,

317
00:15:14,443 --> 00:15:17,803
which is run by a very conscientious
doctor, called Doctor Grainger,

318
00:15:17,803 --> 00:15:19,603
who will be played by Steven...

319
00:15:20,803 --> 00:15:22,283
Steven, uh...?

320
00:15:22,283 --> 00:15:24,243
Toast. Toast.

321
00:15:25,443 --> 00:15:28,323
The hospital has no money,
so the owners are forced to sell

322
00:15:28,323 --> 00:15:31,683
to a glamorous, rich entrepreneur,
called Trace Willoughby,

323
00:15:31,683 --> 00:15:33,483
who is also a super bitch,

324
00:15:33,483 --> 00:15:35,923
played by the extraordinary Carmen,

325
00:15:35,923 --> 00:15:39,323
who, quite frankly, is no stranger
to playing super bitches!

326
00:15:39,323 --> 00:15:41,283
I am a super bitch!

327
00:15:41,283 --> 00:15:42,923
Boo! Boo!

328
00:15:42,923 --> 00:15:44,483
You love it. You love it!

329
00:15:44,483 --> 00:15:46,043
You want it!

330
00:15:46,043 --> 00:15:47,403
Boo!

331
00:15:47,403 --> 00:15:49,883
Trace immediately plans
to knock down the hospital

332
00:15:49,883 --> 00:15:52,323
due to its value as prime
real estate.

333
00:15:52,323 --> 00:15:55,363
But can Doctor Grainger stop her
and save the sick children?

334
00:15:55,363 --> 00:15:56,803
Ooh!

335
00:15:58,443 --> 00:15:59,963
OK, let's start.

336
00:16:01,283 --> 00:16:04,963
Scene one. Interior hospital. Day.

337
00:16:07,163 --> 00:16:09,003
Splendid.

338
00:16:09,003 --> 00:16:12,043
Well, I don't see why we can't
get in touch with your mother

339
00:16:12,043 --> 00:16:14,083
and she'll pick you up
and home you go.

340
00:16:14,083 --> 00:16:15,723
Would you like that?

341
00:16:15,723 --> 00:16:17,843
Excellent.

342
00:16:17,843 --> 00:16:19,523
Doctor Grainger.

343
00:16:19,523 --> 00:16:22,403
You have until next Tuesday to
get rid of these sick children

344
00:16:22,403 --> 00:16:25,123
and find somewhere else to live.

345
00:16:25,123 --> 00:16:27,083
You won't get away with this,
Trace Willoughby.

346
00:16:27,083 --> 00:16:30,243
I'll fight you every step of
the way, you heartless witch.

347
00:16:30,243 --> 00:16:32,483
And I know how your husband died.

348
00:16:32,483 --> 00:16:36,243
Ha! Conrad died of natural causes!

349
00:16:36,243 --> 00:16:40,203
How can an axe to the back of the
head be described as natural causes?

350
00:16:40,203 --> 00:16:44,283
I have one thing to say to you,
Doctor Grainger.

351
00:16:44,283 --> 00:16:45,803
What?

352
00:16:45,803 --> 00:16:47,083
♪ Fuck these bitches

353
00:16:47,083 --> 00:16:48,883
♪ Fuck 'em in the ass
on my private jet

354
00:16:48,883 --> 00:16:50,243
♪ You're economy class

355
00:16:50,243 --> 00:16:52,563
♪ Suck my titties
I smoke your grass

356
00:16:52,563 --> 00:16:55,363
♪ You'll be losing your mind
when you're eating this ass... ♪

357
00:16:56,563 --> 00:16:59,523
Why does she have to sing a song
in every bloody episode?

358
00:16:59,523 --> 00:17:01,923
It's supposed to be a serious drama.

359
00:17:01,923 --> 00:17:04,603
Cos she's a singer, not an actress.

360
00:17:05,603 --> 00:17:07,403
She's not even Brazilian.

361
00:17:07,403 --> 00:17:08,923
She's Irish.

362
00:17:08,923 --> 00:17:11,803
Well, then, why not hire
a non-singing actress?

363
00:17:11,803 --> 00:17:13,843
Like every other hospital show.

364
00:17:15,123 --> 00:17:16,483
Wait here, Toast.

365
00:17:16,483 --> 00:17:18,963
I got to get my painkillers
out of the trunk.

366
00:17:18,963 --> 00:17:20,403
Right.

367
00:17:20,403 --> 00:17:21,843
Oh...!

368
00:17:27,563 --> 00:17:29,843
Ooh...! Hey, man.

369
00:17:29,843 --> 00:17:31,963
I don't have any money and...

370
00:17:31,963 --> 00:17:33,643
..my mother will be back soon.

371
00:17:34,843 --> 00:17:36,523
Jesus Christ!

372
00:17:36,523 --> 00:17:38,083
Ha! He talks real funny.

373
00:17:38,083 --> 00:17:40,203
Is he from the olden times?

374
00:17:40,203 --> 00:17:41,763
Ew!

375
00:17:41,763 --> 00:17:44,323
Look at all these creepy photos!

376
00:17:45,323 --> 00:17:46,963
See you around, brother.

377
00:17:52,563 --> 00:17:54,963
Must have left them on
the gas station counter.

378
00:17:54,963 --> 00:17:56,883
Goddamn it!

379
00:17:58,483 --> 00:18:01,083
So, first show goes out tonight.

380
00:18:01,083 --> 00:18:02,403
You excited?

381
00:18:02,403 --> 00:18:03,683
Yeah.

382
00:18:03,683 --> 00:18:06,283
Ah, give it a couple of weeks,
people start kissing your ass

383
00:18:06,283 --> 00:18:09,203
when you they see you,
you'll know it's a hit!

384
00:18:18,123 --> 00:18:19,883
♪ Ray... ♪

385
00:18:19,883 --> 00:18:22,043
Good grief. Surely not.

386
00:18:22,043 --> 00:18:24,003
♪ Ray... ♪

387
00:18:24,003 --> 00:18:25,483
Oh...!

388
00:18:25,483 --> 00:18:27,403
♪ Ah! ♪

389
00:18:27,403 --> 00:18:28,723
Hey, Carmen.

390
00:18:28,723 --> 00:18:30,603
What about those sick kids?

391
00:18:30,603 --> 00:18:32,443
You're one shitty lady.

392
00:18:32,443 --> 00:18:34,843
I don't care what
you assholes think.

393
00:18:34,843 --> 00:18:37,203
Why don't you go fuck yourselves?

394
00:18:37,203 --> 00:18:38,923
Such language!

395
00:18:38,923 --> 00:18:41,683
Not to mention,
those poor sick children.

396
00:18:41,683 --> 00:18:45,283
Who cares? I can get a billion
dollars for that old building.

397
00:18:45,283 --> 00:18:48,283
How do you like that,
you weasel-faced witch?

398
00:18:48,283 --> 00:18:50,603
But we all love you,
Doctor Grainger.

399
00:18:50,603 --> 00:18:52,603
You're my favourite
on the show.

400
00:18:52,603 --> 00:18:54,603
I'm not really Doctor Grainger.

401
00:18:54,603 --> 00:18:56,683
It's a part.
Play along, Toast.

402
00:18:56,683 --> 00:18:58,403
They love it.

403
00:18:58,403 --> 00:19:01,803
Hey, you two! Oh, yes!

404
00:19:01,803 --> 00:19:03,163
Mwah!

405
00:19:05,243 --> 00:19:07,403
Mm!

406
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:14,163
Oh, God, I love hugging people!

407
00:19:14,163 --> 00:19:16,003
Yes, you do.

408
00:19:16,003 --> 00:19:18,403
So, the show is a huge success.

409
00:19:18,403 --> 00:19:20,283
Are you two getting great feedback?

410
00:19:20,283 --> 00:19:23,283
Everyone loves a super bitch!

411
00:19:23,283 --> 00:19:26,803
And I hear they love you,
too, Steven.

412
00:19:26,803 --> 00:19:29,283
Well, it's not me, is it?
It's the character.

413
00:19:29,283 --> 00:19:32,203
I've been wondering something,
Steven, what is the whole story

414
00:19:32,203 --> 00:19:34,563
behind the, uh...
you know, the white?

415
00:19:34,563 --> 00:19:36,083
I fell out of a tree,

416
00:19:36,083 --> 00:19:38,683
like the Olympic swimmer,
Duncan Goodhew.

417
00:19:38,683 --> 00:19:40,243
OK, listen to this.

418
00:19:40,243 --> 00:19:44,643
I got a letter from a couple who
really love the show, uber fans,

419
00:19:44,643 --> 00:19:49,923
but not only is the guy's mother a
crazy super-duper fan of the show...

420
00:19:49,923 --> 00:19:52,163
..but especially of you,
Steven Toast.

421
00:19:52,163 --> 00:19:53,803
Really?

422
00:19:53,803 --> 00:19:55,843
Oh, I got to get this.

423
00:19:55,843 --> 00:19:57,403
It's Rodrigos.

424
00:19:57,403 --> 00:20:00,163
They have a small request.

425
00:20:00,163 --> 00:20:02,843
Would you go and visit his mother
in hospital?

426
00:20:02,843 --> 00:20:05,683
She has not been well lately.

427
00:20:05,683 --> 00:20:09,203
Are you serious? Doctor Grainger
in an actual hospital?

428
00:20:09,203 --> 00:20:12,283
It'll be great publicity
for the show.

429
00:20:12,283 --> 00:20:14,723
Rodrigos is gay!

430
00:20:14,723 --> 00:20:15,883
I'm sorry?

431
00:20:15,883 --> 00:20:17,923
Rodrigos is gay!

432
00:20:17,923 --> 00:20:19,843
He just told me!

433
00:20:19,843 --> 00:20:21,603
I am distraught!

434
00:20:21,603 --> 00:20:23,523
I can't live with him any more!

435
00:20:23,523 --> 00:20:26,123
Can I stay in your Beverly Hills
place, please?

436
00:20:26,123 --> 00:20:27,763
Of course.

437
00:20:27,763 --> 00:20:29,723
No...

438
00:20:29,723 --> 00:20:32,283
Steven, have you got the key
to my apartment in Beverly Hills?

439
00:20:32,283 --> 00:20:34,923
You haven't moved in yet, have you?

440
00:20:34,923 --> 00:20:36,563
Well, I was planning on
moving in today.

441
00:20:36,563 --> 00:20:38,563
I packed all my belongings
this morning.

442
00:20:38,563 --> 00:20:39,843
Is the key in your apartment?

443
00:20:39,843 --> 00:20:41,803
I think Carmen needs the place
a bit more than you.

444
00:20:41,803 --> 00:20:43,043
I mean, look at her.

445
00:20:43,043 --> 00:20:44,363
He's gay!

446
00:20:44,363 --> 00:20:45,883
We need that key. Oh...!

447
00:20:45,883 --> 00:20:48,243
He has a boyfriend called Carlos!

448
00:20:48,243 --> 00:20:50,603
They've been fucking for six months!

449
00:20:52,763 --> 00:20:53,883
Toast!

450
00:20:53,883 --> 00:20:56,043
Your stuff is still here.
I thought you were moving out!

451
00:20:57,363 --> 00:20:58,803
Who the hell are these two?!

452
00:20:58,803 --> 00:21:00,323
You can't bring people here!

453
00:21:00,323 --> 00:21:01,883
No-one should know where I am!

454
00:21:01,883 --> 00:21:04,243
Yeah, this is Carmen,
the pop legend.

455
00:21:04,243 --> 00:21:06,203
How can you not know it's me?!

456
00:21:07,363 --> 00:21:09,643
And this is Bell...
I'm Bellender Bojangles.

457
00:21:09,643 --> 00:21:11,163
I like to hug people
when I meet them.

458
00:21:11,163 --> 00:21:12,483
No, no, no. Oh, come on.

459
00:21:12,483 --> 00:21:13,603
No, no, no.

460
00:21:13,603 --> 00:21:15,803
No, no, no, he doesn't like
close personal contact.

461
00:21:15,803 --> 00:21:18,043
I say, Russ, you've trodden
on her scarf.

462
00:21:18,043 --> 00:21:19,683
Let me help with that.

463
00:21:19,683 --> 00:21:21,443
Whoa!

464
00:21:21,443 --> 00:21:22,643
Shit!

465
00:21:24,163 --> 00:21:25,363
Oh!

466
00:21:25,363 --> 00:21:27,163
Oh. That's lucky.

467
00:21:27,163 --> 00:21:28,923
He landed on a soiled mattress.

468
00:21:28,923 --> 00:21:31,043
Who is that old homeless man?

469
00:21:31,043 --> 00:21:33,843
I don't believe it. My boy!

470
00:21:33,843 --> 00:21:36,283
Not now, Dad. Just get off!

471
00:21:36,283 --> 00:21:38,163
That's his father.

472
00:21:38,163 --> 00:21:39,683
Get off!

473
00:21:39,683 --> 00:21:42,763
Don't hug him! He doesn't like
close personal contact!

474
00:21:49,003 --> 00:21:50,883
Hey, Ma?

475
00:21:50,883 --> 00:21:54,323
This here's Steven Toast.

476
00:21:54,323 --> 00:21:56,563
You remember,
you wrote him a letter?

477
00:21:56,563 --> 00:21:59,083
She's a lot older than I expected.

478
00:21:59,083 --> 00:22:00,963
She's 93.

479
00:22:00,963 --> 00:22:03,683
She's been in and out of hospital
constantly for the past, like,

480
00:22:03,683 --> 00:22:06,483
what, 25 years.
She fell down her steps last week.

481
00:22:06,483 --> 00:22:08,403
Now she's completely fucked.
Look at her.

482
00:22:08,403 --> 00:22:10,923
We've had to visit her a lot.

483
00:22:10,923 --> 00:22:13,203
I mean a lot. Way too much.

484
00:22:13,203 --> 00:22:16,523
We're from New York, so it's
a flight over here to see her.

485
00:22:16,523 --> 00:22:18,483
It's a pain in the ass
is what it is.

486
00:22:18,483 --> 00:22:20,323
Yeah, but I imagine she can't help
being ill.

487
00:22:20,323 --> 00:22:22,323
Oh, yeah, right. OK, Steven!

488
00:22:22,323 --> 00:22:24,843
Anyways, no point in hanging around.

489
00:22:24,843 --> 00:22:26,683
The knob is there.

490
00:22:26,683 --> 00:22:29,803
All you got to do is turn it to
the right, and it'll all be over.

491
00:22:29,803 --> 00:22:31,043
What?!

492
00:22:31,043 --> 00:22:33,203
It was her last request.
What was?

493
00:22:33,203 --> 00:22:35,043
For you to turn off her
life-support machine!

494
00:22:35,043 --> 00:22:36,323
It was her dying wish!

495
00:22:36,323 --> 00:22:38,923
Hey, look, time's tight here, honey.
We got a plane to catch back home,

496
00:22:38,923 --> 00:22:40,523
for the dogs,
you know what I'm saying?

497
00:22:40,523 --> 00:22:42,203
Hang on. What do the doctors
think of this?

498
00:22:42,203 --> 00:22:43,523
Oh...!

499
00:22:43,523 --> 00:22:45,203
My mother hates the doctors, OK?

500
00:22:45,203 --> 00:22:47,003
She could give two shits
what they think.

501
00:22:47,003 --> 00:22:48,403
She didn't want a doctor doing it.

502
00:22:48,403 --> 00:22:50,043
She asked for you.

503
00:22:50,043 --> 00:22:52,443
She loves that show you're in!

504
00:22:52,443 --> 00:22:54,123
Don't do it...

505
00:22:54,123 --> 00:22:56,003
She just said something. No...

506
00:22:56,003 --> 00:22:58,163
I heard nothing. You hear
something? I heard nothing.

507
00:22:58,163 --> 00:22:59,363
No, nothing.

508
00:22:59,363 --> 00:23:01,203
This is some dark shit.

509
00:23:01,203 --> 00:23:02,963
I shouldn't even be here.
What...?

510
00:23:02,963 --> 00:23:05,323
Steven! Steven, where you going?!

511
00:23:05,323 --> 00:23:06,963
You come back here!

512
00:23:10,403 --> 00:23:13,723
Yeah, sure, it's odd,
but the main thing is,

513
00:23:13,723 --> 00:23:16,683
the show is a big success.

514
00:23:16,683 --> 00:23:17,843
Yes, it is.

515
00:23:17,843 --> 00:23:20,923
Maybe I should ask Bellender
for a pay rise.

516
00:23:20,923 --> 00:23:22,963
Well, they signed you up
for two seasons,

517
00:23:22,963 --> 00:23:25,243
we agreed the same fee for both.

518
00:23:25,243 --> 00:23:28,323
You want more dollars,
she'll have to change the contract.

519
00:23:28,323 --> 00:23:31,083
Yeah, I can be pretty persuasive
when I try.

520
00:23:31,083 --> 00:23:32,683
Let me have a word with her.

521
00:23:35,683 --> 00:23:38,363
Why are you dressed like a clown?

522
00:23:38,363 --> 00:23:40,603
I'm celebrating. I'm a star now.

523
00:23:40,603 --> 00:23:43,363
You said yourself,
people love my character.

524
00:23:43,363 --> 00:23:46,003
Yes, of course they do, Steven!

525
00:23:46,003 --> 00:23:49,323
It's no secret that Carmen gets paid
a hell of a lot more than I do,

526
00:23:49,323 --> 00:23:51,763
and she's staying in
your fancy mansion.

527
00:23:51,763 --> 00:23:54,403
I'm sorry, the contract
is legally binding,

528
00:23:54,403 --> 00:23:57,123
and there's not a thing
I can do about it.

529
00:23:57,123 --> 00:23:58,483
Bloody irritating.

530
00:23:58,483 --> 00:24:00,643
Come on. Give me a hug.

531
00:24:00,643 --> 00:24:03,163
No, no, I'm not going to fall
for that hug bullshit.

532
00:24:03,163 --> 00:24:04,443
Come on.

533
00:24:04,443 --> 00:24:06,523
Oh, you big bear of a man.

534
00:24:06,523 --> 00:24:08,523
The show is a success.

535
00:24:08,523 --> 00:24:10,203
What more could you want?

536
00:24:12,803 --> 00:24:16,123
Oh. There is another issue
I'd like to talk about.

537
00:24:16,123 --> 00:24:17,683
What issue?

538
00:24:17,683 --> 00:24:21,203
There is a chance...
you may be arrested for murder.

539
00:24:25,483 --> 00:24:26,723
What?!

540
00:24:26,723 --> 00:24:28,923
That family who contacted you,

541
00:24:28,923 --> 00:24:31,883
did you turn off their mother's
life-support machine?

542
00:24:31,883 --> 00:24:33,643
No, I bloody did not!

543
00:24:33,643 --> 00:24:36,763
Well, she's dead now, so somebody
did, without a doctor present,

544
00:24:36,763 --> 00:24:38,603
which kind of makes it
a criminal matter.

545
00:24:38,603 --> 00:24:40,683
The family did it, they couldn't
wait to get rid of her.

546
00:24:40,683 --> 00:24:41,963
They say you did it.

547
00:24:41,963 --> 00:24:43,683
No, they asked me to do it.

548
00:24:43,683 --> 00:24:46,163
Poor old girl hadn't even
seen the show.

549
00:24:46,163 --> 00:24:50,483
If you were charged with murder,
it would reflect badly on the show.

550
00:24:50,483 --> 00:24:52,003
Not necessarily.

551
00:24:52,003 --> 00:24:54,123
The LAPD are looking into it.

552
00:24:54,123 --> 00:24:57,283
They say that there is footage
of you fleeing the building.

553
00:24:57,283 --> 00:24:59,163
Yeah, I was trying to
get away from them.

554
00:24:59,163 --> 00:25:00,763
I wouldn't mind, Steven.

555
00:25:00,763 --> 00:25:03,083
But you're Doctor Grainger.

556
00:25:03,083 --> 00:25:04,963
You're supposed to be the good guy.

557
00:25:04,963 --> 00:25:06,443
I am the good guy.

558
00:25:09,003 --> 00:25:10,803
Would you stop looking dubious?

559
00:25:11,843 --> 00:25:15,283
Anyway, you can't fire me,
I'm contracted for a second series.

560
00:25:15,283 --> 00:25:17,883
And as you said yourself,
it's legally binding.

561
00:25:22,283 --> 00:25:23,723
Carmen!

562
00:25:36,963 --> 00:25:38,523
You're three hours late, Steven.

563
00:25:38,523 --> 00:25:39,723
Yeah, but I thought...

564
00:25:39,723 --> 00:25:43,563
Since Rodrigos has left,
now I am always on time.

565
00:25:50,403 --> 00:25:53,243
OK, we've waited long enough.
Let's start.

566
00:25:55,923 --> 00:25:58,443
Scene one. Interior hospital. Night.

567
00:25:58,443 --> 00:26:02,123
We see Trace Willoughby alone
in the ward. It is late.

568
00:26:02,123 --> 00:26:03,403
Doctor Grainger enters.

569
00:26:04,443 --> 00:26:07,043
You wanted to see me, Mrs
Willoughby? If it's about...

570
00:26:07,043 --> 00:26:09,443
Trace Willoughby stabs
Doctor Grainger with a knife.

571
00:26:09,443 --> 00:26:13,043
He falls in a cowardly manner
to the floor.

572
00:26:13,043 --> 00:26:14,883
He lies there motionless,

573
00:26:14,883 --> 00:26:17,283
like a piece of shit.

574
00:26:17,283 --> 00:26:18,923
He's dead.

575
00:26:18,923 --> 00:26:20,283
Very dead.

576
00:26:20,283 --> 00:26:21,443
What?

577
00:26:22,563 --> 00:26:23,763
Scene two.

578
00:26:23,763 --> 00:26:26,163
Trace is with her attractive
younger lover, Jim Buckstar,

579
00:26:26,163 --> 00:26:28,523
played by Sonny-Sam Disco.

580
00:26:36,003 --> 00:26:39,123
Thank God that dog-faced
limey weasel

581
00:26:39,123 --> 00:26:42,003
is finally out of the
picture, darling.

582
00:26:42,003 --> 00:26:43,643
Here's to us, baby.

583
00:26:44,723 --> 00:26:48,563
I have big plans for making
millions of dollars

584
00:26:48,563 --> 00:26:50,923
by selling the hospital!

585
00:26:50,923 --> 00:26:52,283
I know you do.

586
00:26:53,763 --> 00:26:57,643
It's part of a long-term plan
for world domination.

587
00:26:57,643 --> 00:27:01,603
Can you imagine, the whole
Trace Willoughby phenomenon

588
00:27:01,603 --> 00:27:04,643
bigger than we've ever dreamed of.

589
00:27:04,643 --> 00:27:07,403
I think I'd like an apartment
in Paris...