1 00:00:02,043 --> 00:00:07,003 This programme contains some strong language and adult humour 2 00:00:07,003 --> 00:00:09,563 Any second now. You a JFK fan, Steven? 3 00:00:09,563 --> 00:00:12,483 You have any strong opinions about his assassination? No. 4 00:00:12,483 --> 00:00:15,723 Though I do know, due to the actions of one skinny loser, 5 00:00:15,723 --> 00:00:19,323 I'm here yet again voicing another bullshit conspiracy theory. 6 00:00:19,323 --> 00:00:21,723 {\an8}Well, according to this Mirrornek guy, it was his wife. 7 00:00:21,723 --> 00:00:23,243 I couldn't give two fucks. 8 00:00:23,243 --> 00:00:24,683 How many words is this? 9 00:00:24,683 --> 00:00:27,083 Hello, Steven, this is Clem Fandango, can you hear me? 10 00:00:27,083 --> 00:00:28,963 How many words, Clem Fandango? 11 00:00:28,963 --> 00:00:30,603 About 100,000 words. 12 00:00:30,603 --> 00:00:33,123 Phew, that's a lot of bullshit. 13 00:00:33,123 --> 00:00:34,843 He's very angry today. Yeah. 14 00:00:34,843 --> 00:00:36,363 What's with this laptop? 15 00:00:36,363 --> 00:00:38,083 He's not going to join us, is he? Is he? 16 00:00:38,083 --> 00:00:40,403 Sorry to interrupt, Steven, Sola Mirrornek is about 17 00:00:40,403 --> 00:00:41,803 to join us from Dallas. Why? 18 00:00:41,803 --> 00:00:43,643 Just wants to keep an eye on things. 19 00:00:43,643 --> 00:00:47,043 He's going to appear on the laptop in front of you. 20 00:00:47,043 --> 00:00:49,243 He should be there now. Yes. 21 00:00:49,243 --> 00:00:52,403 Steven Toast, meet Sola. Yeah, hello. 22 00:00:52,403 --> 00:00:55,883 What? Hello, Sola, this is Clem Fandango, can you hear me? 23 00:00:55,883 --> 00:00:58,363 Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango. 24 00:00:58,363 --> 00:01:00,203 Brilliant. Let's start. 25 00:01:00,203 --> 00:01:01,483 In your own time, Steven. 26 00:01:05,763 --> 00:01:06,803 The... 27 00:01:06,803 --> 00:01:08,363 All right, hold it, hold it. 28 00:01:08,363 --> 00:01:11,843 I just need to stop you there. No problem. What is it, Sola? 29 00:01:11,843 --> 00:01:13,843 Did he say "duh"? 30 00:01:13,843 --> 00:01:17,243 No, he didn't. He said "the". 31 00:01:17,243 --> 00:01:20,243 Huh. Sounded to me like duh. 32 00:01:20,243 --> 00:01:22,483 I don't know, maybe it's his English accent. 33 00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:26,203 And can I also say, just for the record, the idea of an English actor 34 00:01:26,203 --> 00:01:29,443 reading this came from my publisher, not from me. 35 00:01:29,443 --> 00:01:32,003 I need to make that totally clear, I hated the idea. 36 00:01:33,803 --> 00:01:35,003 OK, still rolling. 37 00:01:38,243 --> 00:01:40,843 The idea... You know what? 38 00:01:40,843 --> 00:01:45,163 Now that I hear it, I'm not so sure. 39 00:01:45,163 --> 00:01:47,923 I never really liked that first sentence, I might do a... 40 00:01:47,923 --> 00:01:49,203 I might do a quick rewrite. 41 00:01:51,403 --> 00:01:52,763 WHISPERING: This is bullshit. 42 00:01:52,763 --> 00:01:54,123 I lost my train of thought. 43 00:01:56,763 --> 00:01:57,843 Forget it, forget it. 44 00:01:57,843 --> 00:02:00,123 It's probably OK as it is, keep going. 45 00:02:00,123 --> 00:02:01,163 Action. 46 00:02:02,283 --> 00:02:06,283 The idea that John F Kennedy... OK, OK, OK. 47 00:02:06,283 --> 00:02:07,963 Alarm bells. 48 00:02:07,963 --> 00:02:10,563 There's a touch of cynicism in his voice. You guys hear that too? 49 00:02:10,563 --> 00:02:12,563 WHISPERING: Cynicism? And another thing, 50 00:02:12,563 --> 00:02:15,643 I heard what you said about Oswald being a lone assassin. 51 00:02:15,643 --> 00:02:17,803 Only an asshole would believe that! 52 00:02:17,803 --> 00:02:21,923 So, if you don't mind, I'd rather you kept your personal prejudices 53 00:02:21,923 --> 00:02:24,243 to yourself, you got that? 54 00:02:24,243 --> 00:02:26,603 OK, Steven, you want to make a note of that? 55 00:02:26,603 --> 00:02:28,323 Yeah, I'll make a note of that. 56 00:02:30,603 --> 00:02:34,723 The idea that John F Kennedy was killed by a single assassin 57 00:02:34,723 --> 00:02:38,763 is not only an impossibility, it's also bullshit. 58 00:02:38,763 --> 00:02:40,403 Wait a second, wait a second - 59 00:02:40,403 --> 00:02:42,803 are you serious, is this guy a real actor? 60 00:03:15,363 --> 00:03:18,123 WOMAN SOBS 61 00:03:19,643 --> 00:03:21,123 There, there. 62 00:03:22,203 --> 00:03:24,763 I should hate him. 63 00:03:24,763 --> 00:03:27,003 But actually, I miss him terribly! 64 00:03:28,603 --> 00:03:31,403 Have another tissue, Sue. 65 00:03:31,403 --> 00:03:33,043 Won't you run out? 66 00:03:33,043 --> 00:03:36,523 I always have lots of tissues for distressed clients. 67 00:03:40,683 --> 00:03:41,923 What's the matter with her? 68 00:03:41,923 --> 00:03:46,843 Ah, Toast, this is Sue Pipkins, she's just joined the agency. 69 00:03:46,843 --> 00:03:49,403 Why is she weeping? Her husband left her. 70 00:03:49,403 --> 00:03:52,643 What, today? Six weeks ago. 71 00:03:52,643 --> 00:03:56,123 Six weeks ago? Are you fucking kidding? Is that it? 72 00:03:56,123 --> 00:03:58,163 You could have got remarried in that time. 73 00:03:58,163 --> 00:04:00,603 To be honest, I'm not surprised your husband left you 74 00:04:00,603 --> 00:04:01,843 with all this blubbering. 75 00:04:01,843 --> 00:04:03,763 Shut up, Toast. 76 00:04:03,763 --> 00:04:06,083 Oh, I'm so sorry, Sue! 77 00:04:06,083 --> 00:04:07,643 Sorry, Sue. 78 00:04:07,643 --> 00:04:09,123 Really, Toast! 79 00:04:09,123 --> 00:04:13,403 Why are you so angry all the time? 80 00:04:13,403 --> 00:04:14,843 What do you want, Jane? 81 00:04:14,843 --> 00:04:17,123 I have tremendous news. 82 00:04:17,123 --> 00:04:21,483 I finally heard back from the Sam Mendes people. Who? 83 00:04:21,483 --> 00:04:24,443 Sam Mendes, famous film director. 84 00:04:24,443 --> 00:04:25,803 And? 85 00:04:25,803 --> 00:04:29,963 I'm afraid you didn't get the part of the agoraphobic fighter pilot. 86 00:04:29,963 --> 00:04:32,523 That audition was 15 years ago, Jane. 87 00:04:32,523 --> 00:04:35,563 But I've had another enquiry about you - 88 00:04:35,563 --> 00:04:38,523 more reality TV, could be a money-spinner. 89 00:04:38,523 --> 00:04:40,843 Never again. Why not? 90 00:04:40,843 --> 00:04:43,363 UP-TEMPO BALLROOM MUSIC 91 00:04:50,963 --> 00:04:52,603 SICKENING CRUNCH Shit. 92 00:04:52,603 --> 00:04:54,443 AUDIENCE GASPS Broken neck. 93 00:04:54,443 --> 00:04:56,043 AUDIENCE SCREAMS 94 00:04:56,043 --> 00:04:57,843 OFF-AIR BLEEP 95 00:04:59,203 --> 00:05:02,803 Ah, yes. Strictly no dancing. 96 00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:05,883 Strictly Come Dancing, Jane. 97 00:05:05,883 --> 00:05:09,323 What kind of dancing show would it be without any dancing on it? 98 00:05:09,323 --> 00:05:13,083 I've no idea. To be honest, I'll not sure why it's called Come Dancing. 99 00:05:13,083 --> 00:05:16,123 Hopefully it's nothing to do with the Strictly curse, what? 100 00:05:16,123 --> 00:05:17,443 May I remind you, Toast, 101 00:05:17,443 --> 00:05:20,563 that the cash you earned from Strictly prevented you 102 00:05:20,563 --> 00:05:24,323 from gripping the oak and spending two years at Her Majesty's, 103 00:05:24,323 --> 00:05:26,003 and what thanks do I get? 104 00:05:26,003 --> 00:05:28,323 Do you know what you are, Toast? 105 00:05:28,323 --> 00:05:31,203 You're a BLEEP. SEISMIC BLAST 106 00:05:31,203 --> 00:05:32,763 Jane! 107 00:05:32,763 --> 00:05:34,163 No other word for it, I'm afraid. 108 00:05:34,163 --> 00:05:36,323 PHONE RINGS 109 00:05:36,323 --> 00:05:38,443 Yes? 110 00:05:38,443 --> 00:05:40,683 Great! 111 00:05:40,683 --> 00:05:42,043 Brilliant news! 112 00:05:42,043 --> 00:05:44,603 I didn't want to say anything until it'd been confirmed, 113 00:05:44,603 --> 00:05:46,563 and now it has been. What has? 114 00:05:46,563 --> 00:05:48,283 Do you remember a man telling you 115 00:05:48,283 --> 00:05:51,763 to keep your voice down in Tesco's last week? 116 00:05:51,763 --> 00:05:54,283 Yes, some soppy Yank carrying a small dog. 117 00:05:54,283 --> 00:05:57,603 That soppy yank, as you call him, was Neil Doubledecker, 118 00:05:57,603 --> 00:06:01,563 who happens to be a top Hollywood producer. Who cares? 119 00:06:01,563 --> 00:06:05,563 All these British actors obsessed with working in America. 120 00:06:05,563 --> 00:06:08,283 If you're in a shit show, it doesn't matter where you film it, 121 00:06:08,283 --> 00:06:10,203 you may as well be in your own bed. 122 00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:14,803 Neil Doubledecker is interested in you for a role in his new movie. 123 00:06:16,203 --> 00:06:18,403 Oh, right. So when can I meet this Doubledecker? 124 00:06:18,403 --> 00:06:20,883 "DOOB-ledecker". He thinks you're absolutely brilliant. 125 00:06:20,883 --> 00:06:24,683 I showed him your showreel, he was literally bowled over. Fantastic. 126 00:06:24,683 --> 00:06:28,203 He thinks you're the best actor he's ever seen anywhere, 127 00:06:28,203 --> 00:06:30,963 and that if you were to appear in one of his films, 128 00:06:30,963 --> 00:06:35,283 you could almost certainly win a Critics' Choice Award. 129 00:06:35,283 --> 00:06:37,483 Well, that sounds great. It does, doesn't it? 130 00:06:37,483 --> 00:06:40,603 It's utterly marvellous! Your big break at last, Toast. 131 00:06:40,603 --> 00:06:42,563 At last! Yeah! 132 00:06:42,563 --> 00:06:45,003 There is, however, one small obstacle in the way, 133 00:06:45,003 --> 00:06:47,683 there's another actor who Doubledecker thinks is 134 00:06:47,683 --> 00:06:48,963 equally as good as you. 135 00:06:48,963 --> 00:06:52,603 In fact, he thinks this actor may be slightly better. Ugh, no. 136 00:06:52,603 --> 00:06:56,203 He has to choose between you and... 137 00:06:56,203 --> 00:06:58,803 SINISTER SYNTH BUILDS 138 00:06:59,963 --> 00:07:01,003 Who?! 139 00:07:02,603 --> 00:07:04,883 SYNTH INTENSIFIES 140 00:07:11,003 --> 00:07:13,123 HE MOUTHS 141 00:07:19,003 --> 00:07:21,803 Ray bloody Purchase?! 142 00:07:21,803 --> 00:07:24,443 Never mind. Let's assume you'll get the gig. 143 00:07:24,443 --> 00:07:26,443 This could actually be an opportune time for you 144 00:07:26,443 --> 00:07:28,043 to depart to the US of A. 145 00:07:28,043 --> 00:07:29,683 Talking of Americans, 146 00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:32,883 how did you get on with that author, Sola Mirrornek? 147 00:07:32,883 --> 00:07:34,803 I'll tell you how I got on with him, 148 00:07:34,803 --> 00:07:38,363 that bastard had the audacity to ask whether I was a professional actor. 149 00:07:38,363 --> 00:07:40,043 Well, are you? What?! 150 00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:43,323 Look, Toast, it's between you and Purchase. 151 00:07:43,323 --> 00:07:46,083 You'd better make sure you do a brilliant audition. 152 00:07:46,083 --> 00:07:47,523 Audition?! 153 00:08:22,923 --> 00:08:27,643 He is terribly, terribly angry, all the time. 154 00:08:27,643 --> 00:08:30,563 Yes, Jane, he really is terribly angry. 155 00:08:30,563 --> 00:08:33,043 Maybe we should organise some kind of intervention? 156 00:08:33,043 --> 00:08:35,843 I'm actually thinking I may send him to a doctor. 157 00:08:35,843 --> 00:08:37,163 INTERCOM BUZZES 158 00:08:37,163 --> 00:08:39,843 Yes, India? Toast's on his way up. Ugh. 159 00:08:41,243 --> 00:08:43,043 He's here, Ed. Better hang up. 160 00:08:46,563 --> 00:08:47,723 Ah, Toast. 161 00:08:50,403 --> 00:08:54,043 Look, Toast, I'll come straight to the point - do you think, 162 00:08:54,043 --> 00:08:59,243 both as an actor and a human being, you've turned into an angry 163 00:08:59,243 --> 00:09:02,283 and unreasonable piece of shit? 164 00:09:02,283 --> 00:09:04,643 That's a bit strong, isn't it, Jane? 165 00:09:04,643 --> 00:09:08,243 Your language really has become increasingly fruity. 166 00:09:08,243 --> 00:09:10,123 I'm no more angry than I've ever been. 167 00:09:10,123 --> 00:09:12,003 Several people have mentioned it. 168 00:09:12,003 --> 00:09:14,243 Like who? Idris Elba. 169 00:09:14,243 --> 00:09:15,483 Who? 170 00:09:15,483 --> 00:09:18,123 Your peculiar flatmate, Ed. 171 00:09:18,123 --> 00:09:22,203 And there's an article about it in The Stage. 172 00:09:22,203 --> 00:09:25,243 Luckily, it's The Stage and only actors read that, 173 00:09:25,243 --> 00:09:27,723 in the way that only gardeners read The Garden. 174 00:09:27,723 --> 00:09:29,403 The Guardian. 175 00:09:29,403 --> 00:09:32,283 No, The Garden, gardening magazine. 176 00:09:32,283 --> 00:09:34,243 Look, Toast, I've been thinking, 177 00:09:34,243 --> 00:09:36,643 I really think you need to see a doctor. 178 00:09:36,643 --> 00:09:37,883 I don't trust doctors. 179 00:09:37,883 --> 00:09:41,243 Last time I had a bad back, he told me to join a choir. He what? 180 00:09:41,243 --> 00:09:44,563 The doctor told me I should go to choir practicer. 181 00:09:44,563 --> 00:09:47,763 Well, maybe he meant a chiropractor? 182 00:09:47,763 --> 00:09:50,283 A what?! Something to do with backs. 183 00:09:50,283 --> 00:09:52,923 Look, Toast, I'm going to book you the appointment. 184 00:09:52,923 --> 00:09:55,323 I just need to get you through this audition tomorrow. 185 00:09:55,323 --> 00:09:57,763 Be very calm, very polite. Yes. 186 00:09:57,763 --> 00:10:01,123 You keep that famous Toast anger under control, alrighty? 187 00:10:01,123 --> 00:10:03,243 PHONE RINGS 188 00:10:03,243 --> 00:10:04,283 Yes? 189 00:10:06,203 --> 00:10:07,603 Thanks for letting me know. 190 00:10:13,563 --> 00:10:15,163 What's the matter with you, Jane? 191 00:10:15,163 --> 00:10:18,003 You've got a face like a slapped arse. Bad news, I'm afraid. 192 00:10:18,003 --> 00:10:21,123 The producer's just offered the role to Ray Purchase. What?! 193 00:10:21,123 --> 00:10:23,643 Apparently Ray went in there, did his best Cary Grant, 194 00:10:23,643 --> 00:10:26,003 charmed them all, got offered the job on the spot. 195 00:10:26,003 --> 00:10:29,203 Perhaps Doubledecker knows about your temper? 196 00:10:29,203 --> 00:10:30,843 PHONE RINGS 197 00:10:53,123 --> 00:10:55,243 ♪ Ray... ♪ 198 00:10:55,243 --> 00:10:57,843 Hello, George. Francis, how's life? 199 00:10:57,843 --> 00:10:59,483 Ugh, you're kidding. 200 00:10:59,483 --> 00:11:01,083 Just the usual, please. 201 00:11:01,083 --> 00:11:04,163 Hold back on the water, I know what you're like. 202 00:11:04,163 --> 00:11:05,923 Oh. 203 00:11:05,923 --> 00:11:09,203 Sorry, Toast, I didn't notice you there. 204 00:11:09,203 --> 00:11:11,403 I was just about to phone you, as it happens. 205 00:11:12,803 --> 00:11:16,243 Bad luck, losing out on that career-changing Hollywood movie gig. 206 00:11:22,443 --> 00:11:26,203 The word is you lost out 207 00:11:26,203 --> 00:11:29,363 because they heard you have a bit of an anger issue. 208 00:11:29,363 --> 00:11:31,123 Anyway. 209 00:11:31,123 --> 00:11:32,403 No hard feelings. 210 00:11:38,763 --> 00:11:40,603 And don't worry about that 50 you owe me, 211 00:11:40,603 --> 00:11:42,283 whenever you've got it, it's fine. 212 00:11:43,483 --> 00:11:46,523 In fact, look, here's another 50. 213 00:11:50,403 --> 00:11:53,603 I haven't been around for a while, Toast, I expect you've noticed. 214 00:11:53,603 --> 00:11:55,563 No. 215 00:11:55,563 --> 00:11:59,363 In fact, something really serious happened. 216 00:11:59,363 --> 00:12:00,883 I reached... 217 00:12:02,603 --> 00:12:04,083 ..peak anger. 218 00:12:04,083 --> 00:12:05,363 Peak anger? 219 00:12:05,363 --> 00:12:07,603 Yes, peak anger. 220 00:12:07,603 --> 00:12:09,563 I figured I should do something about it 221 00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:13,083 so I booked myself into this countryside retreat. 222 00:12:13,083 --> 00:12:15,643 Yoga, meditation, that kind of thing. Ha! 223 00:12:15,643 --> 00:12:18,923 Run by a fantastic chap called Des Wigwam. 224 00:12:18,923 --> 00:12:22,803 Who specialises in anger management. 225 00:12:22,803 --> 00:12:24,083 Yeah, I'll bet. 226 00:12:24,083 --> 00:12:26,643 Smashing guy, super people there. 227 00:12:26,643 --> 00:12:28,443 Anyway, now I feel... 228 00:12:30,123 --> 00:12:32,243 ..not angry any more. 229 00:12:32,243 --> 00:12:35,963 I'm a whole new "Ray Purchase". 230 00:12:35,963 --> 00:12:38,243 Why are you doing quotation marks with your fingers? 231 00:12:38,243 --> 00:12:39,363 You are Ray Purchase. 232 00:12:42,563 --> 00:12:47,163 I suppose I'm the new "improved" Ray Purchase. Spare me. 233 00:12:47,163 --> 00:12:50,443 Toast, after what happened, 234 00:12:50,443 --> 00:12:53,403 I think you should go and see this Wigwam guy. 235 00:12:53,403 --> 00:12:55,403 Here, look, I'll give you his card. 236 00:12:57,483 --> 00:13:00,563 I feel...great. 237 00:13:01,843 --> 00:13:03,123 I feel terrible. 238 00:13:05,323 --> 00:13:07,163 Your name looks familiar. 239 00:13:07,163 --> 00:13:09,243 Do you ever get confused with...? 240 00:13:09,243 --> 00:13:10,483 Dr Harold Shipman? 241 00:13:10,483 --> 00:13:13,043 Thankfully, I'm not him. 242 00:13:13,043 --> 00:13:16,923 No, luckily I dodged a bullet on that front. My name's Shitman. 243 00:13:16,923 --> 00:13:19,203 Dr Harold Shitman. 244 00:13:19,203 --> 00:13:20,563 Please take a seat. 245 00:13:22,803 --> 00:13:25,883 Your blood pressure's dangerously high, you're not breathing freely 246 00:13:25,883 --> 00:13:27,843 and there's a serious risk of heart failure. 247 00:13:27,843 --> 00:13:30,083 I'm not a doctor, what does all that mean? 248 00:13:30,083 --> 00:13:32,323 It means you need to change your lifestyle. 249 00:13:32,323 --> 00:13:33,683 You're an actor, aren't you? 250 00:13:33,683 --> 00:13:37,563 I saw the piece in The Stage about you being very angry. 251 00:13:37,563 --> 00:13:39,563 I thought only... Actors read that? 252 00:13:39,563 --> 00:13:42,763 The way only doctors read The Doctor's Surgery? 253 00:13:42,763 --> 00:13:45,723 Well, I'm an actor and a doctor. Oh. 254 00:13:45,723 --> 00:13:47,923 There's a place in the country people go to, 255 00:13:47,923 --> 00:13:49,603 run by a smashing chap called... 256 00:13:49,603 --> 00:13:52,123 Les Tepee? No. Des Wigwam. 257 00:13:52,123 --> 00:13:53,683 That's what I meant. 258 00:13:53,683 --> 00:13:55,403 Let me give you his card. 259 00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:02,523 He said my blood pressure is dangerously high, 260 00:14:02,523 --> 00:14:07,003 I'm not breathing freely and there's a high risk of heart failure. 261 00:14:07,003 --> 00:14:08,883 I'm not a doctor, what does all that mean? 262 00:14:08,883 --> 00:14:10,763 It's not good, apparently. 263 00:14:10,763 --> 00:14:12,083 I have an idea, Toast. 264 00:14:13,443 --> 00:14:15,283 Something that might interest you. 265 00:14:16,483 --> 00:14:18,843 Well, she looks charming enough 266 00:14:18,843 --> 00:14:22,723 but I fear I may come a cropper with the old dicky ticker. 267 00:14:22,723 --> 00:14:25,843 No, there is another place people keep telling me about, 268 00:14:25,843 --> 00:14:30,923 an anger management unit run by a chap called Chris Marquee. 269 00:14:30,923 --> 00:14:33,643 Or was it Rob Scout Hut? Something like that. 270 00:14:33,643 --> 00:14:35,723 Do you mean Des Wigwam? That's it. 271 00:14:35,723 --> 00:14:38,643 I've heard he's very good. You should go there, Toast. 272 00:14:38,643 --> 00:14:40,963 You've been on edge a lot lately. Yeah, I have. 273 00:14:40,963 --> 00:14:42,363 DOORBELL 274 00:14:42,363 --> 00:14:44,123 Who the fuck is that? 275 00:14:44,123 --> 00:14:47,523 And what kind of arsehole would call now, when we're having our tea? 276 00:14:47,523 --> 00:14:48,923 Answer me that? 277 00:14:48,923 --> 00:14:50,803 You can't, Ed, can you? You can't! 278 00:14:55,843 --> 00:14:57,403 Looks like peak anger. 279 00:14:57,403 --> 00:14:59,043 I think I need help. 280 00:15:18,723 --> 00:15:20,523 How far is this bloody place? 281 00:15:24,723 --> 00:15:28,083 {\an8}Bloody situation this is, I don't even want to bloody be here. 282 00:15:29,923 --> 00:15:32,083 That was me, just two years ago. 283 00:15:34,243 --> 00:15:35,283 And this is me today. 284 00:15:37,003 --> 00:15:38,763 TOAST SCOFFS 285 00:15:38,763 --> 00:15:43,123 That's what my anger led me to, alcohol. 286 00:15:43,123 --> 00:15:44,883 Homelessness. 287 00:15:44,883 --> 00:15:47,443 A shitty attitude. 288 00:15:47,443 --> 00:15:49,483 But I turned my life around. 289 00:15:51,763 --> 00:15:52,803 And you can too. 290 00:15:54,163 --> 00:15:57,083 People ask me, "Why, Des, why?" 291 00:15:57,083 --> 00:15:58,843 I say, "Who?" 292 00:15:58,843 --> 00:16:00,323 They say, "What?" 293 00:16:00,323 --> 00:16:02,763 Oh, I don't believe it. What? 294 00:16:02,763 --> 00:16:06,523 That's Steven Toast, he was incredibly rude to me. Why? 295 00:16:06,523 --> 00:16:08,523 My husband had just left me, 296 00:16:08,523 --> 00:16:10,563 so I had a breakdown, 297 00:16:10,563 --> 00:16:13,763 Toast was totally unsympathetic. 298 00:16:13,763 --> 00:16:17,403 I read he was one of the most angry people in show business. 299 00:16:17,403 --> 00:16:19,203 A real piece of shit. 300 00:16:19,203 --> 00:16:23,163 OK. For the first exercise today, 301 00:16:23,163 --> 00:16:26,083 I'd like you all to just walk around the room. 302 00:16:26,083 --> 00:16:27,683 Oh, God. 303 00:16:27,683 --> 00:16:30,323 Come on, start walking. 304 00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:32,363 Nice and slow. 305 00:16:32,363 --> 00:16:34,883 Very good, very good. 306 00:16:34,883 --> 00:16:37,403 OK, everybody, stop. 307 00:16:37,403 --> 00:16:39,683 Look at the person closest to you. 308 00:16:42,123 --> 00:16:43,603 Look closely at this person. 309 00:16:45,363 --> 00:16:48,643 How does he or she make you feel? 310 00:16:49,683 --> 00:16:51,003 What do you think? 311 00:16:52,323 --> 00:16:53,363 Steven? 312 00:16:55,883 --> 00:16:57,883 Oh, erm... 313 00:16:57,883 --> 00:17:00,163 I feel nothing but utter contempt. 314 00:17:01,603 --> 00:17:04,723 Disgust, horror, hatred, 315 00:17:04,723 --> 00:17:07,283 even looking at her makes me feel physically sick. 316 00:17:07,283 --> 00:17:08,843 THE OTHERS GASP 317 00:17:08,843 --> 00:17:12,123 OK, don't say the words out loud. 318 00:17:12,123 --> 00:17:13,563 Right. 319 00:17:13,563 --> 00:17:15,843 How do you feel about that, Sue? 320 00:17:15,843 --> 00:17:17,643 SHE SOBS 321 00:17:20,843 --> 00:17:22,643 Shit. 322 00:17:22,643 --> 00:17:23,923 OK. 323 00:17:23,923 --> 00:17:26,843 That didn't go according to plan. 324 00:17:26,843 --> 00:17:27,923 It's early days. 325 00:17:29,243 --> 00:17:30,283 Right, Steven? 326 00:17:34,323 --> 00:17:37,283 GUITAR PLAYS MONTAGE MUSIC 327 00:18:01,523 --> 00:18:04,203 SPEECH INAUDIBLE 328 00:18:40,003 --> 00:18:45,243 I can honestly say I I've never felt less angry in my entire life. 329 00:18:45,243 --> 00:18:47,123 It took a while with you, Toast. 330 00:18:47,123 --> 00:18:50,803 You were a particularly difficult case, but we got there in the end. 331 00:18:50,803 --> 00:18:54,403 Well, I have to thank you. Thank you, Des Wigwam. 332 00:18:54,403 --> 00:18:59,403 It's what we do. You see, we close down all your emotions. 333 00:18:59,403 --> 00:19:03,403 You'll never get angry again. But neither will you feel anything else. 334 00:19:03,403 --> 00:19:08,163 Happiness, relief, satisfaction, love, contentment, sorrow or pain. 335 00:19:08,163 --> 00:19:10,363 Well, you kept that quiet. Did I? 336 00:19:10,363 --> 00:19:12,083 Well, you must be furious with me. 337 00:19:13,203 --> 00:19:15,803 No, I feel absolutely nothing. 338 00:19:15,803 --> 00:19:16,843 Great. 339 00:19:16,843 --> 00:19:18,443 You are now anger-free. 340 00:19:19,643 --> 00:19:24,563 Just one final thing - you will feel copious amounts of guilt. 341 00:19:24,563 --> 00:19:27,563 Well, it's interesting you say that, the first thing I'll do 342 00:19:27,563 --> 00:19:30,523 when I get home is I'm going to apologise to every single person 343 00:19:30,523 --> 00:19:32,243 I've ever been rude to. 344 00:19:33,403 --> 00:19:34,443 Good luck, Toast. 345 00:20:02,723 --> 00:20:05,323 I've forgotten my case. Yeah, it's just there. 346 00:20:05,323 --> 00:20:06,763 Annoyed? 347 00:20:06,763 --> 00:20:08,763 Not at all. Great. 348 00:20:16,403 --> 00:20:19,523 The first person I'm going to apologise to is Purchase. 349 00:20:19,523 --> 00:20:22,283 Now, I know we've had our differences in the past but I happen 350 00:20:22,283 --> 00:20:26,683 to think he's an all-right guy and I'm sure the feeling's mutual. 351 00:20:26,683 --> 00:20:28,683 You'll see. 352 00:20:28,683 --> 00:20:30,803 I'm obviously going to be very famous! 353 00:20:30,803 --> 00:20:33,003 And make lots and lots of money! 354 00:20:38,923 --> 00:20:42,883 Darling, I'm in a particularly good mood. 355 00:20:42,883 --> 00:20:45,283 What's say we spend the afternoon... 356 00:20:46,723 --> 00:20:48,563 HE MAKES A GARGLING SOUND 357 00:20:48,563 --> 00:20:50,443 Oh, not now, Ray. 358 00:20:50,443 --> 00:20:52,523 PHONE RINGS 359 00:20:57,203 --> 00:20:58,283 Purchase. 360 00:20:58,283 --> 00:21:01,283 Hi, Ray, me old pal, it's Toast. 361 00:21:01,283 --> 00:21:05,163 Yes, I'd like to apologise for being rude to you over the years and 362 00:21:05,163 --> 00:21:09,403 not to mention, feeling extremely guilty for making love to your wife. 363 00:21:09,403 --> 00:21:12,403 In your bed, sometimes when you've been in the house 364 00:21:12,403 --> 00:21:14,483 and sometimes when you've been in the bed. 365 00:21:14,483 --> 00:21:16,803 Every week for the past 20 years. 366 00:21:16,803 --> 00:21:20,563 So, sorry chap, and all the best! Ha! 367 00:21:26,203 --> 00:21:27,603 What's the matter, Ray? 368 00:21:27,603 --> 00:21:29,123 ♪ Ray... ♪ 369 00:21:29,123 --> 00:21:34,283 Toast said he's been making love to you 370 00:21:34,283 --> 00:21:35,643 in our bed 371 00:21:35,643 --> 00:21:38,643 every week for the last 20 years. 372 00:21:38,643 --> 00:21:40,283 Really? 373 00:21:40,283 --> 00:21:43,083 Hmm. I don't remember that. 374 00:21:43,083 --> 00:21:46,043 He's probably mistaken you for someone else. 375 00:21:46,043 --> 00:21:49,203 I know you're completely innocent, my darling. 376 00:21:49,203 --> 00:21:51,683 But on the off chance that he is telling the truth... 377 00:21:53,603 --> 00:21:55,723 ..I need to teach Toast a lesson! 378 00:21:59,283 --> 00:22:02,403 Oh, honestly, Ray, you should be in a terrific mood after being 379 00:22:02,403 --> 00:22:04,403 offered a role in that Hollywood movie. 380 00:22:04,403 --> 00:22:07,363 But you look like you're suddenly getting angry again. 381 00:22:07,363 --> 00:22:10,083 I wonder if there's anything about it in the small print? 382 00:22:10,083 --> 00:22:12,323 Oh, there it is. 383 00:22:13,563 --> 00:22:16,163 In tiny, tiny letters, 384 00:22:16,163 --> 00:22:18,403 "Normal emotions may return if the 385 00:22:18,403 --> 00:22:22,483 "patient is reminded of a previous trauma or hears some bad news." 386 00:22:24,603 --> 00:22:26,243 I'm going out! 387 00:22:30,443 --> 00:22:32,723 EXTREMELY LOUD CRUNCH 388 00:22:37,443 --> 00:22:41,043 So, Jane, I've decided to meet lots of people in the Colonial later. 389 00:22:41,043 --> 00:22:44,403 I'm going to apologise to every man Jack and woman Jack 390 00:22:44,403 --> 00:22:46,643 of them individually. 391 00:22:46,643 --> 00:22:48,883 I'm here, Toast. 392 00:22:48,883 --> 00:22:49,963 Oh, yes. 393 00:22:52,763 --> 00:22:54,603 That should cover it. Thanks, Toast. 394 00:22:54,603 --> 00:22:56,043 Sorry for everything, Ian. 395 00:22:57,083 --> 00:22:58,123 Now for this lot. 396 00:22:59,723 --> 00:23:03,323 I say, thank you all for coming. 397 00:23:03,323 --> 00:23:09,603 I owe each one of you a sincere apology for my anger over the years. 398 00:23:11,203 --> 00:23:13,363 I'm actually getting quite emotional. 399 00:23:13,363 --> 00:23:15,083 Keep it together, Toast. 400 00:23:15,083 --> 00:23:17,003 You're making a tomfool of yourself. 401 00:23:17,003 --> 00:23:18,683 Yes, you're right, Blair. 402 00:23:18,683 --> 00:23:21,963 By the way, Toast, you owe me £200. 403 00:23:23,363 --> 00:23:27,603 Well, I've given all my cash to Ian, to pay my bar tab. 404 00:23:27,603 --> 00:23:29,723 Bar tab?! 405 00:23:29,723 --> 00:23:33,003 Toast, the only reason all of us are here tonight 406 00:23:33,003 --> 00:23:36,003 in this bugger house is because we thought you 407 00:23:36,003 --> 00:23:38,043 were going to repay our loans. 408 00:23:38,043 --> 00:23:41,163 That's the only reason we're here. 409 00:23:42,723 --> 00:23:44,163 Now, what say you, sir? 410 00:23:51,043 --> 00:23:52,083 Good Lord. 411 00:23:54,123 --> 00:23:55,403 You'll be lucky. 412 00:23:55,403 --> 00:23:57,403 By my reckoning, 413 00:23:57,403 --> 00:24:01,883 I'd say I'm the only man in this room that owes you, Toast. 414 00:24:01,883 --> 00:24:03,363 This. 415 00:24:03,363 --> 00:24:05,563 It's for making love to my wife 416 00:24:05,563 --> 00:24:06,923 in my bed, 417 00:24:06,923 --> 00:24:09,003 sometimes when I was in the house, 418 00:24:09,003 --> 00:24:11,843 actually, sometimes even when I was in the bed! 419 00:24:11,843 --> 00:24:13,323 For the last 20... 420 00:24:16,243 --> 00:24:18,923 Oh, yeah! Come on, Purchase, ruck in there! 421 00:24:18,923 --> 00:24:19,963 Knock him out! 422 00:24:22,643 --> 00:24:24,563 What have you got, Toast? 423 00:24:24,563 --> 00:24:25,723 Oh, my goodness. 424 00:24:29,563 --> 00:24:30,603 Purchase! 425 00:24:32,083 --> 00:24:33,403 Come on, Purchase! 426 00:24:37,963 --> 00:24:40,923 All right, gentlemen, £20 on the man in the moustache. 427 00:24:59,443 --> 00:25:01,043 God, not in the knackers. 428 00:25:05,043 --> 00:25:07,403 Oh, my giddy Aunt Sally! 429 00:25:07,403 --> 00:25:09,683 That'll teach you, Ray bloody Purchase. 430 00:25:12,243 --> 00:25:13,603 Champagne, sir? 431 00:25:13,603 --> 00:25:16,363 It's an 1841 Veuve Clicquot. 432 00:25:16,363 --> 00:25:17,763 I'll bet it is! 433 00:25:17,763 --> 00:25:19,203 There you go, sir. 434 00:25:19,203 --> 00:25:21,123 PHONE RINGS 435 00:25:23,683 --> 00:25:26,243 Jane? I'm safely on the plane. 436 00:25:26,243 --> 00:25:28,883 Away from the baying mob. 437 00:25:28,883 --> 00:25:31,523 Can you believe they only turned up to collect money off me? 438 00:25:31,523 --> 00:25:33,883 Ha! Saved in the nick of time. 439 00:25:33,883 --> 00:25:36,963 Now, let me give you some more details about the terrific 440 00:25:36,963 --> 00:25:38,843 stroke of luck you've had. 441 00:25:38,843 --> 00:25:41,123 With Purchase now out of the picture, 442 00:25:41,123 --> 00:25:44,323 I immediately contacted Doubledecker to say you were still 443 00:25:44,323 --> 00:25:45,563 very much available. 444 00:25:45,563 --> 00:25:48,843 He said yes immediately, they're even paying for your flight. 445 00:25:48,843 --> 00:25:52,723 Ha! Thank God for Doubledecker. "DOOB-ledecker". 446 00:25:52,723 --> 00:25:57,163 And hooray for Hollywood, you're going to Tinseltown, Toast. 447 00:25:57,163 --> 00:25:58,763 Can you believe it? 448 00:25:58,763 --> 00:26:00,363 How's Ray Purchase? 449 00:26:00,363 --> 00:26:02,283 Two broken legs and a badly sprained neck, 450 00:26:02,283 --> 00:26:03,883 he'll be out of action for months. 451 00:26:03,883 --> 00:26:06,723 Two broken legs, fantastic! 452 00:26:06,723 --> 00:26:10,883 Everything's worked out dandy, Jane, just dandy. 453 00:26:10,883 --> 00:26:12,963 Have a nice day! Ha! 454 00:26:12,963 --> 00:26:17,723 I almost forgot, what's the name of the movie that I'm going to be in? 455 00:26:17,723 --> 00:26:19,843 The latest Star Wars movie. 456 00:26:19,843 --> 00:26:23,203 You've heard of the Star Wars, I take it? 457 00:26:23,203 --> 00:26:24,963 Yes, Jane, 458 00:26:24,963 --> 00:26:27,203 even I've heard Star Wars. 459 00:26:27,203 --> 00:26:29,883 Excuse me, buddy? I think you're in my seat. 460 00:26:32,283 --> 00:26:33,963 Oh, yes. 461 00:26:33,963 --> 00:26:35,083 Apologies, old chap. 462 00:26:38,883 --> 00:26:40,283 Toast. 463 00:26:40,283 --> 00:26:42,643 Steven Toast. 464 00:26:42,643 --> 00:26:44,563 I'm Nightlife. 465 00:26:44,563 --> 00:26:46,483 Russ Nightlife. 466 00:26:46,483 --> 00:26:47,843 Pleased to meet you.