- Fucking stupid bitch.
- Langston, Nina's calling you. - [coughs]
Why?
- I'm not talking about him, dummy.
I'm talking about my mama.
Like, she's been staying with us
since the tree in the yard fell on her roof,
and, like, she's just all in my space,
getting on my fucking nerves.
- Yeah. Nina's mom is wild.
She be making the Cinnabons with the orange icing.
- Hmm. - Them shits is weird.
Like, I eat 'em, but I don't like 'em.
- Yeah. - Right.
- Me and my mom are cool, bro. We like Young Thug and Gunna.
Like, she birthed me, but we be fucking the same hoes.
- Ooh.
- Metaphorically.
She's shy. - Still doesn't sound right.
- Me and my mom got a good thing going, too, man.
You know, like, it didn't matter, like,
what my grades were
or, like, what shade my doodoo stains was.
Man, my mama was always saying
I was the best dancer in the world.
The best, motherfucker.
- You are good, though.
- Best in the world, nigga. - Boom, boom.
- Oh, oh, oh. - Kill it.
- Come on. Come on. You smoking with a king, nigga.
- Just pass it to me regular.
- Oh, ain't nothing regular about me, nigga.
Look at this.
- [laughs] - I gotta be honest.
My parents are weird too.
When I graduated, they moved to LA to pursue theirdreams.
- Good for them, man. - Oh, damn.
- I'm just saying, like, I don't like my mama at all.
- Yeah, dude. They beefing for real.
And she be trying to small-talk with me.
It's like, "Damn, can a nigga go to the fridge
real quick, lady?"
- Okay, but--but--but--but
I think, Nina, you should just be grateful
that you have a good, churchgoing mother.
- Nah. Fuck that. Fuck all of that.
I don't like nobody like that lady,
and I'ma say it, baby.
Fuck her and that church.
all: Whoa. - Damn!
- Lady, have you ever heard of a bible?
- Whoa. - Yep.
- All right, y'all ready? - Yeah.
- You good? - Let's do it.
- Yeah. I'm good. - No, no, put it out.
Put it out. Throw it on the ground.
- Come on, man. This is good weed.
[bright tone]
[gospel music]
* *
- Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Who's here?
[laughing] Hey.
There she is. - Oh, that's my baby.
- Oh, Miss Noreen.
- [laughs] You. Praise the lord.
Oh, here come trouble. - Ah, yeah, it's here.
- Hey. You so--how you do--
- Uh-huh. Good to see you this morning.
- Okay. - Have a seat, sweetie.
- All right. Okay. - Yellow dress?
- Okay, so she trying me today.
Move over. Move.
Let's not make a scene. Let's not make a scene.
- Jesus Christ. - What the heck?
Are the police coming? - Just about. Just sit on down.
You know, just--you know, it's just some stuff going on.
She trying me.
- Oh, what a friend we have in Jesus, right?
- [inaudible whispering]
- [inaudible]
- [inhales sharply]
[inaudible]
- [groans]
[inaudible]
- Christian love. Christian love.
- Um, okay.
Nina, this didn't come from me,
but some people are saying
you could do a little less.
- [whispering] It looks cheap. Like a whore.
I said, "Like a whore." - [hums]
- I'm gonna take that wig off and just smack a egg
on top of her head, and then put the wig back on.
Make her wig get all eggy.
- Hey, hey, hey. We gotta keep composed.
It's supposed to be a good day.
I used to love coming to church with my mother
because that's how I found my people.
- Choir directors? - What? No.
- Oh. - The gossipy old ladies.
I just love 'em with their thick stockings
and their rumors of people's fetishes and foreclosures.
Ooh, they're the best.
I can't wait till they get here today.
Where they at?
- Bless your mother.
God must have been in a good mood when he made her.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's a shame that that tree fell on her roof.
I hate to see somebody so thick under so much turmoil.
I hope that stress don't make her lose no weight.
- Thank you, sir. - I just want you to know
that I'm personally doubling my donation
to help a legendary woman in her time of need.
- Mm. - Is she being comforted?
- You know what, sir? I-- - She the best.
You lucky. Be happy. Smile.
* *
- Ah, dude gotta be playing.
- You talking about that sweaty pastor?
- Yeah, man. All these people here.
Ain't no time to be nervous, dog.
You gotta show up, bruh.
- Okay, Chris. I mean, come on.
Plenty of people get nervous in front of crowds.
- Then don't take the gig.
Everybody knows only two places Black people get on.
It's the church and the strip club,
and since I'm banned from Smokey's on the East Side,
church gonna have to do.
- Ah, you got banned again, huh?
- Man, they was tripping, okay?
Remember when Nelly slid that credit card
down a girl booty for that video?
- Uh, yeah. - I did the same thing.
I used the chip, though, 'cause I'm in the future.
- So...so Chip Drill? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. Chip Drill will get you banned.
- And make your credit card all dirty.
Smelled like different stuff
for a loooong time.
- Gross.
- Hey, I just wish you can take her!
- Okay, what we not gonna do is talk to the devil.
If you feel yourself about to snap,
just mumble that mess to me.
I'm your confession booth.
- But I don't feel that with you right now.
Like, I ain't feeling that with you.
- First off, fuck your bitch and the click you claim.
- Now, here you go with that.
- Come on. - Like, you don't--
- Westside when we ride.
- I don't feel like it, Sam. Like, I'm done.
- Baby, Westside when we ride.
- Come equipped with game.
- See? Don't you feel better?
Your mom staying at our house
is keeping us from having loud sex,
and that's enough for me to want her gone forever.
- Yeah, but I just wish
that she could just, like, steal something,
and then she can go to jail for the rest of her life.
- The easiest way to get her out the house
is to help the church raise the money
to fix her roof, a'ight?
- Yeah, a'ight.
- And if you wanna pop off,
remember, we always have Pac.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We always got Pac, huh?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, 'cause that's why I like my dad more,
you fat motherfucker!
Gunna-ka-pow!
Airing this bitch out right now.
You know what I'm saying? Where your mama at?
She on the ground. She down.
- You need to relax.
Just shooting guns and grabbing your willy,
and you don't even have a willy?
- * Oh, ooh *
- Today is gonna be a long one, child.
- Ooh, lord.
- Ain't no way
little Elray know what he doing up there.
- Mm. Disgracing his whole family.
- And y'all see them big old pants, right?
[laughs] I mean, come on.
He look like Donnie McClurkin wearing a Marvin Sapp suit.
[laughter]
- Well, I heard someone saw him
walking in the gay part of the park.
[laughter]
- Hey, I bet they heard them big ol' pants coming.
[laughter] - Shh. Shh. Shh.
- All right, hey.
- * Da, da, da, da, ba-da *
* Ba-ooh *
Yo, it's the collection basket with the extendo on it.
Let me-- both: No!
- Okay.
- Touching that would be ill-advised.
- Only a select few may handle that which you wish to hold.
- That's chill. That's chill.
You know, I used to use these back in the day.
- Well, I suppose at some point you must...
both: Do away with childish things.
- Right... yeah, I used to hate church.
My mom used to take me all the time,
and then she let me be a collection boy.
That was sick. I used to have-- swing a little stick around.
Everybody was, like, all hating and shit. It was tight.
- We don't give a freak what you was.
both: Or when you was.
- Okay?
- Do you hear this guy, Mason? - I do, Mayshon.
- Why are y'all eyes so milky?
- Why don't you go pass out some pamphlets, you Philistine?
- We won't ask you again.
- [laughs]
All right, little niggas. I'ma go ahead and grab this,
'cause I don't really listen to anybody, so--
- [grunts]
- You're too old for this game.
- It's our time now.
[both cackle]
[gospel singing]
[all clapping rhythmically]
[applause]
- Okay. Choir set the tone.
Plenty of room to do flips in here.
It's a star-making situation. He better kill it.
[applause]
[crowd oohs]
This nigga.
- [chuckles] - Bruh.
- Sit down, brother. Sit down.
No. Don't look at me. Don't make a big deal.
[clears throat]
I guess the Lord must have put a little extra carpet there.
[person clears throat]
- Dear Jesus, heavenly father in the manger and whatnot,
uh, is this your mans? Hmm?
- With bowed heads...
and bowed--and bowed hearts,
uh, we come to you today, Lord God, uh,
and we ask for, um, protection, Lord God,
and not--and not--and not just protection for us,
but for all of your children, Lord God.
And, uh, we, um, uh, we--we do want you to--
even--all the children.
The people in Israel even,
and I--it's-- [stammering]
I like the new "Wonder Woman."
She's from over there, I--I think.
she--I'm pretty sure-- I mean, honestly,
if I'm--I'll keep it real with you today.
I--I'm a Lynda Carter man myself,
but, uh, who amongst us has not...
[person coughs]
Amen.
[crowd muttering] - No.
- It's--it's--it's hot, okay?
And I'ma go get some water real fast, uh,
and y'all should greet your neighbors while I'm doing that.
- Look, baby, if we talk your mom up in God's house,
she'll get out of our house.
- You're right. You're right. We can do this.
- Plus, we gotta keep our faith in God,
you know what I'm saying, 'cause I'm tired of finding
"Mission: Impossible" movies to knock boots to.
- Yeah, "Ghost Protocol" is the loudest,
but it's not the best.
- Y'all sleeping on "Jurassic Park."
Them dinosaurs ain't got no protocol.
- Thanks.
- My mother would never tell anybody this.
So much pride, baby.
- Too much. Too much. - Yeah.
She lost a valuable collection
of PT Cruiser paraphernalia.
- Tell him. - Keychains.
- Mm. - Posters.
- Mm-mm. - Shot glasses.
- Mm-mm-mm. - Everything.
It is tragic, really.
- Lord... - Yeah. It's okay.
- Why'd you take the bumper stickers, Jesus?
- And I know you liked those. I'm so sorry.
[gospel music playing]
* *
[suspenseful music]
* *
- [growls]
[gospel music continues]
* *
- Hey, if y'all don't see me for a while,
just know I'm in some wild shit.
- Ooh-wee, I don't know if y'all heard,
but Seymour been messing around on Teisha.
Oh, and li'l Melvin big self still in the eighth grade,
but his mama telling everybody he passed.
Oh, but apparently,
Brother James got caught in his car
with a bunch of fentanyl,
and that's why his teeth so little.
- Dude, stay away from those old ladies, man.
You being a thot, and it's weird.
- Yeah, and my mama is one of those women.
Trust me. You don't want to do that.
- I'm not gonna trust you, Nina,
because you and your mother have a terrible relationship.
Everybody knows it.
Now, look, me and the God squad, we good.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go help them
get chlorine from their cars for the baptism.
- This woman has a heart of gold.
- Oh, hush, Clara.
- I will not.
My car was broke down
on the side of the road, and it was raining.
When AAA took all day, she rolled up her sleeves
and fixed my car right then and there.
- That was the first time
I laid my hands on a Plymouth Prowler.
[laughs]
Best night of my life.
- Wait, wait, that was also my birthday that night.
- Girl, ain't nobody thinking about your birthday.
My friend was left in the rain.
[laughs]
- Hey, y'all, if y'all need any magazines,
talk to li'l Amira and Aaliyah, okay?
Them girls need to be supported.
They're trying to go to Honduras to build canoes
in the fall, okay?
It's hot. Is Tuan still doing HVAC?
- No, no, no, no, Jesus. You right. You right.
But I don't got no tomatoes on me to throw at him,
Jesus, Lord God.
You didn't give me none.
All right, well, since I can't shoot the messenger,
I'll replace him.
- All right, y'all, before we get to the word,
we gonna--we gonna invite up the lovely Noreen--
[applause]
No. Noreen's daughter. Noreen's daughter, y'all.
Yes, Nina's gonna come up here and tell us about the situation
that her mama's going through.
- I'm not doing that.
She got a beard and her pantyhose stank.
Do you want me to say that in the microphone?
- Come on, baby. You're our only hope, okay?
You just gotta think of something nice to say,
like she didn't smoke while she was pregnant with you.
- She did, though. Look at my little hands.
- Damn. - Right?
- All right. I'll do it.
- Thank you.
- As you can imagine,
Nina is under quite a bit of emotional distress,
so I'm going to be speaking on her behalf.
- Okay, it looks like we got Nina's roommate
coming up here to share with us.
Okay. Come on up here, sister.
[applause]
- Uh, what can I say about Ms. Noreen?
She's, uh, many things. - So many things, Lord.
- A whole lotta things. Lot of things.
She's, uh--she's-- she's present.
Very, very present.
Wherever I--like, wherever I'm walking,
she's right there.
- So many sets of footprints, Lord.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
There are times when she's not present,
but I know that's the devil tricking me,
because she shows up again.
- Begone, Satan. Stop that.
- Some nights, I lay awake
craving, yearning, howling
for Noreen to have her house again.
I am hurting for it, Lord.
I am bursting with desire for Noreen to have a home
or somewhere else to sleep. [phone chimes]
I wake up wet, lord. Mm.
With--with-- with tears and stuff.
Wipe me down, King Jesus. God, please.
Uh...
What--what--what I'm saying is, give big
so I can get some p-peace, or a p--
[crowd muttering]
[scattered applause]
- [coughs] Uh, she, uh--
uh, she worse than me, huh?
[chuckles]
- I have a testimony, big suit bastard.
Excuse me.
Huh-huh. Uh-oh.
God wanted me to tell y'all
how I became a quadruple threat,
and I'ma fulfill his wishes through acting.
[chuckles] To be or not to be?
Dance.
Oh, what disciple is this?
Praise. Halleloo.
You're knighted, my guy.
And, of course...
[riffing] * Singing *
You can go ahead and move, little sweaty man.
[laughs] "Deuteromety."
Why does "Deuteromety" have nothing to do with doodoo, huh?
Huh?
- Okay. Let's get this chlorine, girls.
We got a baptism to do.
These are heavy. You got the big ones, huh?
A little loose here. - Dang.
Them calves fitting to bust out like a can of biscuits.
Mmm! - Hey, hey, hey.
Don't get fresh, Eunice.
- Mm-mm. - You know better than that.
Hey, did y'all see Jonathan in there, though?
Now, why would you put on Wave Runners with a suit?
- Mmm, them things are looking scrumptious.
Y'all about to have to get Langston to sop me up.
- [giggles] - What I would do
is have two Langstons, butter in the middle.
Yum yum. [laughter]
- Where's the meat?
- Right in front of me.
Now, stop asking all those questions
and give Helen a little twirl.
- Come on. Come on.
all: Ooh!
- No, no, no, no! That's enough.
- Arf. Arf. - No. Don't bark at me.
Don't bark at me. [laughter]
Okay, you've had your fun, but--
but I'm tired and I'm scared.
Can we please just go back inside?
- I have an inside you can come in.
both: Oh!
[laughter]
[gospel music]
- * Jak is an adult man *
* Got his ass whooped by baby twins *
* So he threw a Kangol hat *
* Right on a stick *
* Threw caution to the wind *
* With a twist of the wrist, he'll swing his stick *
- Shling! Craa!
That's what I would have done to Judas.
[chuckles]
And now, for a poem I wrote
entitled "Bald Samson."
Bald, but strong.
No hair up there!
It's thinning in the middle.
It's thinning in the middle, but you still strong.
- The Lord told me to tell this--
tell this dumb Negro to sit down.
[crowd laughs]
- [coughs] Jesus said that?
- Yeah, he also told me to stop letting ashy sinners
talk during the service.
[laughter]
[applause]
Y'all gonna get mad at me if I get real here?
[crowd chattering] - Get real, Pastor.
- I said are y'all gonna be mad at me if I get real up here?
- Get real. Come on. [crowd chattering]
- Now, we all know Mary Magdalene was a skeezer,
but her OnlyFan was Jesus.
[cheers and applause] - Praise the Lord.
Come on with that!
- Jesus clicked subscribe,
and ain't nothin' wrong with that.
I'm saying ain't nothing wrong with that!
[all cheering] - Okay?
- Yeah, I remember Jasper.
- That's looking good, y'all. - Ooh.
- I think we did a really nice job.
Y'all remember, though-- you remember the picnic?
- I got it from my tree.
- Do you remember Sister Jenkins?
- Ladies, sorry to interrupt.
I-- [sighs]
I just wanna say that what happened earlier
really made me uncomfortable.
- Oh, we was just playing, honey.
- Sugar, it's just jokes.
The good lord say
a cheerful heart is good medicine.
- Mm-hmm. - But a crushed spirit
dries up the bone.
- Mm-hmm, and all that playing
is making my bones real dry right now.
- Enough with all this bone talk.
I know what that means.
Now, I'm sorry I made you dry, I really am,
but maybe we need to reevaluate this relationship
and set some boundaries.
- Boy, shut up.
You wasn't even that cute anyway.
I rebuke you.
- Why you canoodling with us, anyway?
What are you, a muffin duster?
[laughter] - No. No. Don't say that.
- And coming around us every Sunday, being a thot.
Smiling and laughing at our corny jokes.
Yes, they're corny.
We're old and we don't cuss
and we don't know how to open our phones.
What did you think this was? - You thought this was a game?
We ain't trying to play pinochle with you.
- Mm-hmm. - I'm tired of waiting for it.
I'm trying to get a piece. - Mm-hmm.
- Coming around in your little capri pants
shaking them calves.
- Slut.
- Not you too, Eunice. - Mm-hmm.
Busting in here like the Kool-Aid man
talking about boundaries.
Bound your ass back to that baptism tub and drown.
Be blessed. [laughter]
- Boy, I don't know what you talking about,
but I would like to see you in some Speedos.
- Hey, babe, why are you so upset?
I didn't even say "pussy."
I thought it was pretty smooth, actually.
- Look what she sent me.
- "How to get your partner to lose weight."
- Yeah.
- And she put exclamation points on that one?
- Yeah.
- Well, tell her stop making all them damn Cinnabons, then.
- It has been 35 fucking years, Sam.
She just chips away at me.
Every time there's a new word for abuse, I'm like, "Oh, yeah.
That happened to me."
Microaggressions. Love bombing. Gaslighting.
You ever heard of shame dumping?
- I've taken a few shame dumps.
- And every time I try to say something,
she plays victim, as--as if I'm doing it to her.
I don't even know what I could have been
without the weight of this old hoe.
- I don't know who you could have been.
- Right. - But the person you are
is awesome, accepting, and forgiving.
And you sitting on a donkey, girl.
Damn. - I am?
- Besides, God has a plan. Your mom's gonna die soon.
- You promise?
- He missed with that tree, but he gon' get her.
- Mm. - And if you want me to,
I will punch her in the stomach really hard.
Tomorrow. But today?
Let's just focus on getting her out the house.
- I appreciate that.
- And when this is all done,
I'ma eat your butt.
- Oh!
- Forgive me, Lord, but I have been starved.
[dramatic music]
* *
both: Methuselah!
- [sniffs] No, thank you.
[swords scraping]
* *
[metal clangs]
[cheers and applause]
- Ephesians 6:11.
God said, "Put on all the armor."
Now, some of y'all walking around here
with just kneepads on.
- Mm-hmm. - Talking 'bout, "I'm good."
How you sound?
You forget that the armor of God is free,
but you want to walk around here
spending $200 on House of Dereon.
[crowd murmurs in agreement]
You got on your Gucci flip-flops,
but you're flip-flopping on the Lord.
[crowd murmurs] - He talking about you.
- 'Cause God said all the armor.
Put it on! Put it on! [cheers and applause]
Put it on! Put it on!
Put it on. All the armor.
[cheers and applause] [mouthing words]
- All the armor. All of it.
- Oh, Jesus. Now I see what we doing.
Man, this whole time I thought I was just a quadruple threat.
Turns out I'm a five threat, and my biggest threat
is turning washed niggas into wine.
They going crazy. Drink up, y'all.
Me and Jesus got a talent agency now.
- And I'm gonna let you know, you ain't slick.
I know who you are. - Mm-hmm.
- You in the bathroom talking about,
"Pastor must be scared. [crowd murmurs agreement]
"Pastor suit too big. [crowd murmurs]
Oh, he must have borrowed that."
But no, I ain't borrowed this. This is mine.
[applause] I said this is mine.
[cheers and applause] I said this is mine, okay!
This is mine! Come on, now. This is mine!
This is--
- Hey, man. This where the printer is?
I'm a talent agent now, so I need some business cards.
I want something that says I'm here for business
and pleasure.
- Chris, there's no printer or pleasure in here.
- Damn. - My girls turned on me.
- What girls? What you talking about?
- We were having a nice time
talking about who's going through a messy divorce,
and then they threatened to suck me bone dry.
I want to maintain the friendship,
but at what cost?
- Okay, I have several questions,
but I'ma save 'em because you aren't
talented enough for me to represent,
so I'ma hip pocket you.
Give you some wisdom. Hey, listen, man.
Me and Jesus gave everything in ourselves for the people.
What have you given, brother? Hmm?
- Chris...that wasn't dumb.
- Mm-hmm. - That wasn't dumb at all.
- Mm-mm.
- I have to give more.
- Yeah. Happy to help. Now, you help me.
I'm thinking about this for the business card.
What this sound like? "Chris Henson.
Head hunter. Head lover."
It works on so many levels 'cause I love head,
and I'm also hunting head as a talent agent.
And you...are not here.
[metal clangs] [all grunting]
[energetic music]
* *
- Hey, what's up, Jak?
[metal clangs] - [grunts]
- [laughs]
[grunts, coughs]
I thought we were just playing!
- That wig was a mess.
I didn't know whether to comb it or pet it.
I thought it was gonna bark. [laughter]
- It's European.
- What do you want?
- Ladies, I want to apologize.
I realize now that I had the spirit
of the jezebel in me,
and I think it's best I let you lay hands.
- So glad you came around.
- Slut.
- * Gonna tell everyone he'll set you free *
* Like he did me *
- Oh, my.
- * Hey, I'm gonna tell * all: * Tell *
* Everybody *
- Oh, we all came here to turn up with God, okay?
But listen up.
There's somebody amidst us
going through their own trial right now.
Y'all, help me welcome up sister Noreen Hodges.
[applause]
Now, Noreen, you know that the donation today was for you,
and we are pleased as heaven to present you with $2,800.
[cheers and applause]
- Wow!
I am truly humbled
by the giving spirit, the--the kindness,
and the generosity displayed here today.
This community means the world to me,
and I am honored
that so many of you stepped up to care.
But as I reflect on what God has laid before me,
I realize that I already have everything I need.
[laughs] - That's right.
- Since I can always live with my daughter,
I am donating this money to the children's fund.
[applause]
- Sister, I just--bless you.
- No! [applause stops]
Fuck all that! [crowd exclaims]
I don't care if she take the money or not.
This bitch is leaving my house today!
[crowd exclaims] - Ooh, damn.
She ain't got no protocol.
- Hey, don't talk to my girl like that.
- Yeah!
- Tell her that my weight is proportional
to my height, baby.
My BMI is perfect, bitch.
- Yeah, it is.
And like I said earlier, fuck her.
[crowd gasps] - Yeah, and fuck this church!
[crowd exclaims]
- And fuck God!
[crowd shouts] - Oh, Jesus! Oh, God.
- Baby, let's please leave God out of this, okay?
Just call your mama ugly or talk about her chin hairs.
- Happily. They long.
- And they curly.
- Okay, okay. Edgy. Fearless.
Two Kelly Rowlands.
I mean, oh, this girl group clearly has something to say,
but do they have star power?
- [screams] I hate you stupid twins!
I'm gonna choke the shit out of you redundant motherfuckers!
- Let him go, and be gone! - Get off of me!
Gah! I hate it here! Oh, God.
[crowd gasps] - [screams]
- Oh, God. Oh, Jesus.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
[laughter]
- He buttery as hell.
- I told you you was being a thot.
[laughter and muttering
- What the hell is wrong with you all?
Is it really that terrible, me being in your house?
- You'll be good.
- My own daughter treating me like this.
- I'm really proud of you putting those walls up
with your mama, baby.
- Thank you, baby. - And when we get home,
I'ma tear them things down.
- Ooh.
Then we can finally do it with the TV off.
- Yep. We can watch ourselves fuck
in the reflection of the black, empty screen.
- Oh! - And you know what else?
I can always find another church next week.
Matter of fact, I think I'ma go morning and night.
- Oh, that's gonna be good.
- Hey, where did Jak go?
- Oh, he said something about searching
for the Seven Scattered Adventists.
[ominous music]
* *
- * Baby twins and adult Jak *
* Remember, this is baby twins and adult Jak *