- * Sunny days, outside *
- Aw, yeah. Ladies and gentlemen,
guess who's pee was burning earlier,
but the real problem was just his diet?
Ha.
It's me, ya boy!
Chris "Cranberry" Henson.
Ladies call me the Cran Man
'cause sometimes I get to cran it in,
you know what I'm talking about?
Some of the balls and some of the taint,
a little bit of taint. - Chris. Chris!
Go back out, and come back in better.
- Oh, was that no bueno? - No.
- 'Cause I was gonna wear all white,
you know what I mean, stand on your roof
like a Boyz II Men member
or Shawn Michaels at the WrestleMania,
you know what I mean, but I don't wear white
after my birthday because of all the loose period sex I had.
I ruined all the mattresses. - No. No, no, no.
- I don't care what time of the month it is.
It's our time. - Chris, take this sage
and smudge until you're ready to act right.
- You give me a big ass blunt all you want,
that's not gonna to save the mattresses
from what I did to 'em.
Ruined 'em forever.
Mm! Oh, this is not-- oh, I get what this is.
[mellow hip-hop music]
* *
- It's 2022.
Now, why hasn't there been a Black Ronald McDonald yet?
- They wouldn't be shit without us.
French fries? That's us. Hamburgers? That's us.
Who you think build them arches? Who?
- You know, I took my son to the PlayPlace and he said,
"Daddy, can I be Ronald McDonald one day?"
And I just had to look him in the eye and say,
"I don't know, son.
I just don't know."
- Hey, I--I don't know if she Black,
but I heard Wendy got a fat ass under that headshot.
[laughter]
- Ay, I thought y'all had a pool.
- Jak, you come here all the time.
When have you ever seen a pool?
- I don't know, I thought it was like a cool reveal,
like the Batmobile or a C-section scar.
- You know what? I'm having a good day.
So I'm gonna give you three Jak shenanigans.
- Three? Yeah, that's more than usual!
Barbecue!
Hey Chris, they got rid of their pool.
- Oh, they never had--okay.
Hey, Nina, which one of y'all normal-faced friends
is available for this barbecutie?
- I don't think this is the place for you, Chris.
- Oh, you sound ridiculous. What do you mean?
Barbecue's where I clean up at.
What? Women out here, drinking,
eating greasy foods, catching heat exhaustion.
Shit, by nightfall,
got you some Tums and a soft part of a couch.
Cheeks. You know what I'm talking about?
Ah, cheeks. Yow! Cheeks.
- Got you. - Yeah.
- But I'ma keep it real with you, Chris.
- Oh, please do.
- Nobody really likes you here.
I mean, the niggas don't wanna hear you freestyle,
and the bitches don't wanna to get hit on
or hear you freestyle.
- Oh, okay.
So niggas don't like real hip-hop no more.
Can't help that. Shit, let the culture die.
Anyway, for real, though. Where your new friends at?
- I do not make friends with women
just so you can have sex with them.
- Why not? - No.
Can't you find other women
outside of my circle to disappoint?
- But why would I go out to eat
when my friend got pussy in the fridge?
- Well, the fridge is empty, my nigga.
- Tch. - Yeah.
[dramatic sting] No, not right there. Mm-mm.
[dramatic sting] Don't even touch that.
Not over there. No, don't look that way.
Not over there under the tree.
- Even these under the tree bitches?
- Not the tree bitches. - Huh.
Wow. - Sorry.
- Wow! All right.
Well, you bitches are gon' rue the day
you felt disrespected by me.
Yeah. Eat that. Huh.
Hope your braids unravel, bitch.
[chuckles] I'll be back.
- * Sunny days, outside *
* *
- Hey. - What's up, baby?
- I'm just so grateful for you, baby.
- And I'm glad you know you should be grateful.
- I'm just glad you're not like these other idiots around here.
Remember when I first met you?
You was in a corner at that Trillville concert
trying to balance that empty bottle of Martel's
on your nose like a krunk seal.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- But look at me now. - Yeah.
- Grilling, Hawaiian shirt. - Oh!
- Wearing shoes my doctor prescribed.
- [laughs] Keep describing that outfit
like that, and I'ma soak right through my panties.
- Mm. - Mm-hmm.
- Samm-er Jammers looking better than they did last year.
- Yeah. You better hurry up.
You know people hate when you make 'em wait all day.
Bianca fat ass already talking about ordering a pizza.
- I got you. - All right. Give me some. Mm.
Glad to have you all to myself.
- All righty. - All right.
- Ooh, smooth, Sammy.
You got em' wrapped around your finger.
- Look, we have more Black people
in positions of power than ever before.
Black CEOs, Black lawmakers, Black directors.
Shit, a strong gust of wind from Wakanda?
Fuck around and have a Black woman president.
[laughter]
I'm just sayin', we can't be accepting
these empty gestures from the whites.
I mean, come on.
Painting BLM on our streets,
wearing Kente cloth to a Run the Jewels concert.
- And they do it at the worst fucking time.
- Exactly, exactly. It-- look, if I am in the bathroom
of a Buffalo Wild Wings
and some white dude walks in talking about,
"Don't worry, I check my privilege at the door."
I'd be like, "Sir, can't you see,
I'm trying to jerk off in this Buffalo Wild Wing?"
[laughter] You know?
I mean, come on.
I thought I was the only one
projecting my white guilt on these bathroom walls.
- Stop, I can't with you.
- I'm playing. You know I don't jerk off in there.
- I don't know, nigga, I just met you.
[laughter]
- All I'm saying-- look, all I'm saying is
if I'm being honest, we're fucked.
We're fucked. You know, at this point,
history is gonna remember Charlemagne Tha God
as a civil rights leader.
It's tragic, really.
I mean, come on, people. Read a book.
[laughter] - You must get a lot of time
to read when you're in the house all day.
- I'm sorry, what?
- I was just making a joke, man.
- Yeah, no, I-- I understood the joke,
but I'm a slave in that joke.
So I'm just trying to understand what's funny.
- It's no big deal. I'm just fucking with you
for acting light-skinned, dude.
[cheesy somber music]
* *
- But you understand how that's problematic,
don't you, dude? Huh?
I mean, because what does me being light-skinned
have to do with anything?
You're corpse-skinned. Huh?
Would that be okay if I said, look at you,
rest in piss 'cause you're dead.
- Oh! - You're fucking dead!
- Come here! - No, no, Nina!
You got fuckin' zombies hanging out and eating potato salad
at your fuckin' party!
'Cause he dead. - Bro, calm down.
He's fuckin' dead!
No! Unhand me! He called me a house slave.
- Look.
Stir. Now.
- Okay. Now you've got a white man
in your home calling me the help,
and you've got me inside helping?
- You need to relax.
He said you read. It's a compliment.
- Okay. Negro illiteracy is funny to you now?
Fantasia would roll over in her grave.
- First of all, you not gonna yell at me in my house,
and you not gonna ruin my Sunday
just because you can't take a joke.
- But it wasn't a joke.
That white devil disrespected me.
And now you're disrespecting me by minimizing it.
- Jesus Christ, calm down.
You know, for a house slave,
you sure don't have an indoor voice.
You acting real light-skinned right now.
[laughs] That was good.
* *
- Bitch, what?
- Who the fuck you talkin' to?
- Huh? No. Oh, it's a--
It's a bitch outside.
- Yeah. - She loud.
- Bet it is the bitch outside.
Well, all I know is you better not come back outside
until you get your shit together.
Oh, oh, and if I see you near Friday again,
I'ma make y'all niggas kiss. [squeals, laughs]
- I'll never kiss Friday!
You can't make me!
I'd rather eat bugs!
- Reebok? Aw, fuck.
What are you doing here, man? Are you dead?
- Nah, I'm in Jersey. Reebok just here
to show you how you became the fuck nigga you are today.
- Shit!
I knew I shouldn't have smoked that weed Chauncey gave me.
He had it loose in his pockets with some scratch ticket dust.
- You remember when your cousin Shay would get upset
when I was giving you game?
She'd catch me with a bitch
and throw all my shit out on the lawn.
You'd be peeping out the window all curious,
wearing your Transformer jammies talking about,
"I know how to spell computer."
- C-O-M-P--
- See, that's why I fucks with you.
So after she'd storm off, I'd give you a hundred bucks
to get up all my belongings and shit.
A few weeks later,
I eat another stripper's booty,
and we'd do it again.
Circle of trife.
- Copped a winter coat when you was smashing them twins.
- But look at you now.
You just like Reebok.
I can see it in the eyes.
- Ain't none of my shit been thrown in the street.
- Not yet. But she'll find out. They always do.
Don't shut the door on family, Sam.
Don't shut the door! No!
- I don't mean to rush the process, Joel Embiid,
but you got a party full of hungry fans awaiting.
- This is a very delicate situation, okay?
- Right. - You got to look at it
as if each of these burgers is coming back from an ACL tear.
- Mm. - Now, do you want
a Kevin Durant or do you want a Grant Hill?
- Yeah, I'm not that into hoopty-doops
and dribble scribbles, bitch.
I was just being cute. So--so talk regular.
- They'll be ready when they're ready, babe.
- Okay.
- Bitches wanna hold me accountable, okay.
I'm not welcome at this party,
well, y'all not welcome at my party.
That's right, big man. Yep.
Me and you, we one in the same, bro, bro.
You know what I mean? Lions in a field
of nappy-headed jackals.
You know, we used to live in a world, bro,
where lions could wake up kings of all they see, you know?
Throw some lion dick here.
Kill a gazelle. Fuck it, maybe.
Hold a lion cub over a cliff,
and then drop that little motherfucker
'cause he ain't gonna replace me.
Nah, nah.
Now they want lions to be family men.
Why the fuck they do that?
When's the last time you see a lion in a PTA meeting?
Fuck around, I'll kill everybody in that bitch.
You know what I mean? - [burps]
- You right.
You right, man. Why should I apologize to prey?
Who am I, Ellen? Fuck outta here.
Pause that shit.
Exactly, my nigga. You so wise.
You are so wise. I'ma skip that apology.
Fuck that apology, man.
I'm gonna stand in my own VIP section
and make all these hoes jealous of me.
VIC? Ah.
VIC. I like the sound of that shit, right?
VIC?
You in. You right there.
Ah, ah, ah. Gah, gah, gah. Nah, nah, nah.
- I can't sit down? You have a lot of seats.
- Mm-mm. Not in that outfit. Not in them shoes.
- What are you talking about? These are the shoes
that Jesus wore when he gave everybody tilapia.
- We at capacity for niggas, but no hoes.
- There's a lot of seats. - * And I don't see no hoes *
With you. To the side.
- But I'm your cousin. - Ooh, better roll to the side.
- But I'm your friend. - Yah, to the side.
- Oh-- - And to the--walk with me.
To the side. Thank you, my nigga.
All right. Oh, cover's $200 so you better find that.
- You accept Bitcoin? - Hm?
- Bitcoin. - I accept a bit of bitches.
[laughs]
- Bitch, play an ass right. Stop.
[laughs] I'm just playing, Fran. You look cute.
Hey, hey, hey!
You can't skip a skip in "Uno." Fuck wrong with you?
Also lose your damn mind in the divorce?
- Sam! What's up, dog?
Hey, Chris made it a little section over there
and he won't let me in.
I know him, but I feel like
you know him, know him, you know?
Think you can get me in? - Okay, that's two shenanigans.
You--you have one left.
- Can I use my last shenanigan to wish for more shenanigans?
- I would count that as your last,
but I got a lot going on.
So I'm gonna need you to get the fuck up outta here.
- Okay.
Hot, hot, hot! - Stop.
- Look at you counting shenanigans like you ain't
the most foul bitch I've ever met in my life.
- Ito? What are you doing here?
- You smoked that scratch ticket weed
and invited me.
- Yo, keep it down.
If this is about how I treated you, I'm sorry.
- Girl, I am good.
But it seems like you're doing your girl just like you did me.
- I was awful to you.
And my bad on all that emotional manipulation.
I didn't know what it was called back then.
At the time I thought it was communication.
- Sam, I forgave you years ago.
- I heard you moved out to some farm
with a white woman? - Olive. She's so nice.
We are making a killing selling radish shavings to Goop.
- Those bitches will buy anything.
- Right? - Yeah.
- Look at you, though.
You married now, you got this new house.
- It isn't my house, and Nina and I aren't married.
- Well, you got a better job now, right?
- Nah.
Still a cafeteria lady at the casino.
Slapping chili on these hoes.
- [laughs]
Bitch, I knew that already.
I just wanted your ass to repeat it.
Talkin' about you slapping chili with no shame.
- Well, I'm happy.
- Fuck outta here!
You deserve this for treating me like shit.
Now, excuse me. I'm gonna go to my white bitch
and let her eat me out in front of our piglets.
- You think 'cause you a girl burger,
I won't stomp your ass to the ground?
I'm a bitch too, you need to-- - What is up with Friday?
- Friday?
Friday is mad cool.
Hey! Oh, that was--oh.
- He took me surfing. I didn't get in the water,
but I told everybody I was a surfing nigga.
- I finally found a group of intellectual peers
who understand my high-brow sense of humor.
We were over there talking about Black stuff, like,
like, like jazz,
and menthol, and red-lining.
And out of nowhere, he called me an uppity zip coon.
- [laughs]
- I swear to God, if one more person laughs in my face
about what that white devil said to me,
I'ma blow my top.
- I think Friday's Iranian.
- I don't give a damn if the man is Ra's al Ghul.
Fuck Friday. You need to check your boy before I do.
- Don't fuck with Friday. It's not worth it.
Just get up out your light-skinned feelings.
* *
Are you about to cry?
- You think because I'm light-skinned
I can't beat his ass.
- Nobody's saying that. - Mm, nah, you saying
all you think I do is lick my lips,
stick my thumb up my own butt,
and ask when the next Drake album's coming out.
That's what you think of me, huh?
- No. - Let me tell you
something, Sam, I'll beat his ass.
I'll beat his ass on a Friday and everybody'll be like,
"Did you hear Friday got his ass beat on a Friday?
"Oh, he had a terrible weekend
and he missed his fat fuckin' niece's eighth birthday."
- I'm pretty sure Friday's an only child.
- I think I can just leave my toe out.
Yeah, that way I can get more space.
Loop de loop,
bunny ears.
- Now,
this could be a real beautiful moment
where you open up about the person
you've always been inside,
and then you and I could finally
have a real conversation, maybe even form a bond,
but I know it's way, way dumber than that.
- Chris is doing something really cool outside.
And he said, ladies free before three, but no stud shit.
So I tried to go through Sam's stuff,
but all she had was, like, Timbs and black Timbs.
So I put on your shoes, and I feel like they work.
- Yeah, just get out. - Okay.
- Ah, ah, ah, ah. Take my shoes off.
- You want to put on some other ones?
- No, no, no. Just--just go barefoot.
And your toe is hanging--
- You know I was killing that shit.
- Never. You could never!
- [muttering]
- [laughs] Ooh!
Hey. What wrong with you?
Is Instagram down?
Did they remove filters from your phone?
- No. Just stop, Jak. Not right now.
- Aww, you can't have a little sparkly face
and a little bunny nose in the back of another man's car?
- No, man. Okay, look.
It's that dude Friday over there.
[laughter]
- Hold up, man. - It's my finger.
- I was with Nina's friends, and I was being hilarious
by the way, you would've loved it.
And Friday basically
called me a moulinyan monkey with reading glasses on.
- That's not right. - Right.
Exactly, you get it. - Nah, I see his point.
But you said you were being hilarious?
That's impossible.
Light-skinned people as a race aren't funny.
Sure, you have your outliers like Mike Epps
and Rachel Dolezal, but jokes just don't be hitting
when you got all those freckles on your face.
- All right, man. All right. - [laughs]
Hey. Hey!
- What? - You wanna wrestle?
- No. - Yeah!
- [screaming] - [laughs]
* *
- What is wrong with you?
- Come on, I'm playin'! - Are you sick?
- Okay. - I'll 9/11 your face!
- [laughs] What?
Hey, that was pretty funny.
Hey! I said it was funny.
- [speaking in tongues] Otis Williams Jr.
I need the attention of the sinner before me.
- Jesus Christ, man. What now?
- Uh-uh. Don't you use my nigga's name in vain,
Ms. Corey in the House.
What you need to do is stop this demonic lifestyle
and be good to that woman.
Or you're gon' suffer the consequences.
- What consequences?
- I'm talkin' 'bout, being alone.
Alone, alone.
No girl. No friends.
No streaming services.
Sitting there watching Ari Melber clips
on basic cable.
- But I have everybody's passwords.
- Uh-uh, they gone change 'em.
They don't like yo ass.
You gon' be sitting there in that stink
little studio apartment.
Laptop keys sticky.
Dirty fridge. Fake cabinet.
Eating cereal out the bag
with a yellow ring in your toilet,
looking like Sonic the Hedgehog just took a shit.
Uh-huh. And Nina. Yes, your Nina gon' go back to a man.
She gon' get dicked down by a corny nigga.
Uh-huh. His name gon' be Gerome.
With a G. A capital G.
So where you're sad, it looks like Groan.
Ew, disgusting. Yeah.
And you gon' be by yourself on them dating apps
and you can swipe left.
And you can swipe right.
But you can't swipe back to Nina.
[laughs]
- Nah, fuck that. Fuck-- fuck all y'all burger niggas.
My girl ain't going nowhere.
- Oh, nah, I'm in hell! Oh, fire and brimstone!
I'm sorry I bought a speed boat with the tithe money, Lord.
Ah, ah! Ooh! Eeh!
- This whole Friday thing, man. He's, like, in my head.
- Yeah. Hey, this my boy. He good, bro.
- Don't touch me. - Nah, nah, you the man.
- You letting this motherfucker in?
Are you serious? - Ay, bro.
You gotta chill, playboy. You gotta chill, playboy.
- I'ma go out front and pee on somebody's car.
I'll be back. I'll be back!
- Continue.
- I just didn't think everybody saw me
as some sort of light-skinned stereotype.
- You know what? Believe it or not,
I relate to this so much.
Not too many people know this about me, Langston.
But I too identify as a light-skinneded man.
Yeah. - Can you do that?
- You sure can.
The medical term is Trans-dermal.
I'm a trans dermatologist.
- I don't think so.
- I got a lil bit of ligo. That's my truth.
I'm a Maybach-- Black on the outside,
but you best believe that interior is butterscotch.
- I hate that you're the only person who will listen.
- For too damn long, this has been happening
to our people, Langston.
You and me, the exact same skin type, light-skinneded men.
We should have been looking out for ourselves.
But instead, we tried to look out for all Black people.
That was our mistake.
Jesse Williams, Debra Lee, Shaun King I think,
all of them fell for the trap.
Huh. Shit.
Barack Obama.
Now he is the only one that did it right.
He ain't help out not one nigga.
And that's a good light-skinned man, right there.
- Okay, I can't use most of what you just said,
but I hear you.
There's no comradery in this community.
I gotta stand up for myself.
- Yeah, go fight-- - Come on here--
- Get your hands off of me, darky!
Do I look like a gallon of Hawaiian Punch to you?
Glug glug, glug. Gorilla.
Well, well, well.
Look who finally decided to wander down Caucus Mountain
and step in the name of colonization.
[laughs]
- You really moped around this party all day to say that?
Yikes, Halsey.
[laughter]
[laughing in slow motion]
[cheesy somber music]
* *
- Ayesha Curry!
[all exclaim]
[screaming]
You're not my friend! I hate you!
Suck it!
Suck it! Suck it! You--
- What the fuck is wrong with you?
- No, he's a bully! I'm the victim.
I'm Azealia Banks, and you're all "Wild 'N Out."
- Yo, I told you not to fuck with Friday.
He got shot. He almost died.
He wears a doo-doo bag, man.
Fuck!
- Well, that's new information to me!
- Please, move. Yeah, he's shaking right now.
Listen, there is a white man on the ground in my house.
Send everybody.
- So what's up? Y'all hate me?
- Oh, shit, a fight broke out in the club.
Walk me out the back, big man. Big man?
- I think I'm gonna get a plate to go.
- Man, it smells like a dog diaper in this bitch.
- What's going on? - This poo-poo.
- Oh, Lord. - Oh, my God!
- It's on me, too.
Too many dudes in here!
- Sam?
- C'mon. There's too much going on today.
Why can't y'all just be meat?
- Is there something you want to say to me?
- I messed with another bitch.
- Why are you trying to sabotage this?
- I don't know. Why am I talking to meat?
I saw something and I pursued it.
I'm being selfish right now.
- You chose to be in a partnership.
Full-time.
Not just when it suits you.
You can't just choose when you want to be selfish.
- Yeah. That is fucked up.
I'm sorry.
- [mocking] Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.
Don't apologize to me.
I'm Burger Nina.
What you need to do is go tell the real Nina.
- Nope.
Not gon' do that.
- [whistles]
Hey, there, pretty bird.
I still have one more shenanigan left, don't I?
[laughs]
With everything that happened to the pale motherfucker,
I didn't feel like I had space
to do what I need to do.
So I'll hold on to that shenanigan.
Maybe for a week. - Mm.
- A month. - Mm-hmm.
- A year. - Mm-hmm.
- A millennium--oh!
- I love you, man.
- Samm-er Jammers.
Samm-er Jammers!
- All I'm saying is if Jak's Black ass
asks for the wi-fi, you just give him the wi-fi.
But when I ask for the wi-fi,
you go, "Of course, this motherfucker wants some wi-fi"
These little light-skinned microaggressions,
they just start to chip away at you.
- We don't pick on you 'cause you're light-skinned.
We pick on you because you're Langston.
- Mm-hm. - It just so happens
that you're light-skinned while you're doing it.
- Yeah. Like--like, if Slim Thug came in right now
and said, "I need some honey mustard."
We'd just give him the honey mustard.
- Yeah. - Exactly.
But if I ask for it, you go,
"Oh, her highness wants some mustard with her honey."
That's crazy.
- Yeah, but that's because Slim Thug is 6'6",
and you wear Toms, bro.
- Enough! Enough of this! I say enough!
- Get off my table. - Ah, see, see?
See, that's the oppression I'm talking about.
Me and my yellow-boned brother here are tired
of suffering through all your bigotry.
This beigeail profiling needs to cease at once.
Are light-skinned niggas different than other niggas?
Yes.
Is it okay for you guys to be mean to us?
Sometimes. - Yeah.
- Oh, or the tons of hilarious jokes you could be saying?
Yeah.
But does that make you a good friend
to do those things?
Never.
We are all niggas at the end of the day
with big dicks just swinging in the wind.
- You know what, Chris? You're right.
We haven't been being good friends
and sometimes you have to stop
and acknowledge other people's feelings.
- Yeah. - My bad, Chris.
- Thank you, Sam. - I'm sorry.
- Thank you, sister. - What the fuck?
- I'm sorry, Chris.
This whole day I've been treating you light-skinneded,
when I should have been treating you skinneded.
- Ooh.
- We're all humans, all of us.
With skin. - Yes.
- Mm, that's a breakthrough right there.
- I hope I choke on my burger and die.
- Pshh. - You know what, y'all?
Let's just--let's just all hug Langston
like the light-skinned bitch ass nigga he is.
- That's all he asked for! - I don't want this.
I don't want this!
Unhand me, darkies! - A lot of love!
Unhand me, you darkies!
- [vocalizing]
- Yeah. - Thanks, Sam.
That was hella fun, dog. - You need more hos, Sam.
- See you next year! - See y'all.
- Um, I know I'm the wrong person to ask this,
but what actually happened to Friday?
- It's really messed up.
He caught a stray.
- What's up, fool? What's up, fool?
[gunshot] - Ahh!
Nigga, damn! [groans]
* *