1 00:00:08,134 --> 00:00:09,343 - Relax. - Sam, you got me fucked up. 2 00:00:09,385 --> 00:00:10,386 - I don't know why you fucked up. 3 00:00:10,428 --> 00:00:12,096 Can you calm down? Okay? 4 00:00:12,138 --> 00:00:14,098 It's not that serious. - It is that fucking serious. 5 00:00:14,140 --> 00:00:15,224 - No, it's not. You're new at this. 6 00:00:15,266 --> 00:00:16,350 - So our relationship is not serious? 7 00:00:16,392 --> 00:00:17,560 - I'm not saying that. - You lied to me. 8 00:00:17,602 --> 00:00:19,228 - I didn't lie to you. - You did. 9 00:00:19,270 --> 00:00:20,938 - No, I didn't. - Now you sure you're okay 10 00:00:20,980 --> 00:00:22,273 with me taking the leftovers? 11 00:00:22,315 --> 00:00:24,233 - You take it, baby. 12 00:00:24,275 --> 00:00:26,444 Eat it for your lunch tomorrow. - Okay. 13 00:00:26,486 --> 00:00:28,654 I mean, honestly, I'm not even sure 14 00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:31,657 why you would order jambalaya at The Fondue Factory. 15 00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:35,369 I mean, I feel like the menu here is just a list of foods 16 00:00:35,411 --> 00:00:37,830 the chef has kind of heard of, you know? 17 00:00:37,872 --> 00:00:39,540 - Well, when we get home, 18 00:00:39,582 --> 00:00:44,003 I'm gonna show you something I kind of heard of. 19 00:00:45,004 --> 00:00:48,049 [whispering] And there will be a few animals involved. 20 00:00:48,091 --> 00:00:51,177 - Madam, this is a family restaurant. 21 00:00:51,219 --> 00:00:52,303 - Oh. 22 00:00:52,345 --> 00:00:53,429 - Will you keep your voice down? 23 00:00:53,471 --> 00:00:54,722 - Keep my voice down for what, Sam? 24 00:00:54,764 --> 00:00:56,224 - Because everybody's looking at us. 25 00:00:56,265 --> 00:00:58,309 - I don't give a fuck who's looking at us. 26 00:00:58,351 --> 00:00:59,560 - Why do you have to be such a bitch? 27 00:00:59,602 --> 00:01:01,437 - Who the fuck you calling a bitch? 28 00:01:01,479 --> 00:01:04,315 - Oh! - You got me fucked up. 29 00:01:04,357 --> 00:01:06,150 - God damn! - Uh! 30 00:01:06,192 --> 00:01:08,236 - Get your hands off me! 31 00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:09,695 - Oh! - Ooh. 32 00:01:09,737 --> 00:01:12,073 - I'm fuckin' tired of your raggedy ass shit. 33 00:01:12,115 --> 00:01:14,951 - That little lady beating the bald fade off that big lady. 34 00:01:14,992 --> 00:01:17,662 - You shit-- - I'll show you [indistinct] 35 00:01:17,703 --> 00:01:18,621 [screaming] 36 00:01:18,663 --> 00:01:20,331 What the-- [plates shattering] 37 00:01:20,373 --> 00:01:21,666 - [groans] 38 00:01:21,707 --> 00:01:23,251 - Let me go. 39 00:01:24,669 --> 00:01:26,295 - Lang? 40 00:01:26,337 --> 00:01:27,630 - I'ma fucking kill you, bitch. 41 00:01:27,672 --> 00:01:29,340 Where the fuck you think you going? 42 00:01:29,382 --> 00:01:31,759 - Okay, I'ma be real with you. 43 00:01:31,801 --> 00:01:33,594 The girl getting her ass kicked is my friend. 44 00:01:33,636 --> 00:01:35,388 - What? - And she wouldn't want me 45 00:01:35,430 --> 00:01:36,681 to see her like this. 46 00:01:36,723 --> 00:01:38,641 So we, you and I, we gotta go. 47 00:01:38,683 --> 00:01:40,268 - You don't wanna help her? 48 00:01:40,309 --> 00:01:43,229 - Nah, I think the wait staff got it. 49 00:01:43,271 --> 00:01:44,897 [grunting] - Please stop. 50 00:01:44,939 --> 00:01:46,232 You're killing her! 51 00:01:46,566 --> 00:01:49,277 - Okay. Well, now it's something 52 00:01:49,318 --> 00:01:51,279 only "The Steve Wilkos Show" can solve. 53 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:52,780 So we are out. 54 00:01:52,822 --> 00:01:54,365 [people screaming] 55 00:01:54,407 --> 00:01:56,200 - Bitch, I'ma kill you. 56 00:01:56,242 --> 00:01:59,078 [cheerful music] 57 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:02,206 * * 58 00:02:02,248 --> 00:02:03,499 - If I'm eating a celebrity's poop, 59 00:02:03,541 --> 00:02:05,209 it's gonna be Erykah Badu. 60 00:02:05,251 --> 00:02:07,128 - Mm. Well, I'll go Winnie Harlow. 61 00:02:07,170 --> 00:02:09,589 Her poops probably comes out like little marble cakes. 62 00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:10,757 - Ooh! 63 00:02:10,798 --> 00:02:13,259 Like a fancy countertop. I like that. 64 00:02:13,301 --> 00:02:16,929 - Guys. Guys, stop. Just stop, okay? 65 00:02:16,971 --> 00:02:19,057 The correct answer is Emma Watson. 66 00:02:19,098 --> 00:02:20,558 Huh? She got the little 67 00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:22,685 British rabbit poops. 68 00:02:22,727 --> 00:02:24,353 That's basically a Raisinet. 69 00:02:24,395 --> 00:02:25,855 - Ooh, I do like Raisinets. 70 00:02:25,897 --> 00:02:28,399 - Put that in your pocket, go to the movies. 71 00:02:28,441 --> 00:02:30,234 - We talking poop? - Yeah. 72 00:02:30,276 --> 00:02:31,903 - Yo! 73 00:02:31,944 --> 00:02:34,947 - Jesus and Joseph Christ. Who John Wick-ed you? 74 00:02:34,989 --> 00:02:36,866 - Nina. I don't--whatever. I don't know. 75 00:02:36,908 --> 00:02:39,660 Um, if I was gonna eat some celebrity poop though, 76 00:02:39,702 --> 00:02:41,829 it would have to be Lisa Bonet. 77 00:02:41,871 --> 00:02:45,583 Her poops probably come out clean like a cup of soft serve. 78 00:02:45,625 --> 00:02:47,543 - Dude, is no one-- I'm sorry. 79 00:02:47,585 --> 00:02:50,088 I'm still, like, processing that Nina's a bad dude. 80 00:02:50,129 --> 00:02:52,256 - Bitch wild, you know? What you gonna do? 81 00:02:52,298 --> 00:02:53,925 - You good? - I'm all right. 82 00:02:53,966 --> 00:02:55,802 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, but Nina though? 83 00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:57,762 An abuser? Man, she always seemed 84 00:02:57,804 --> 00:03:00,056 like the type that, like, lets abuse go on too long 85 00:03:00,098 --> 00:03:01,432 'cause she has boundary issues. 86 00:03:01,474 --> 00:03:03,434 - Look, I don't know what to tell y'all, okay? 87 00:03:03,476 --> 00:03:05,019 Things just got a little out of hand. 88 00:03:05,061 --> 00:03:07,563 Nothing to worry about. Now if you'll excuse me, 89 00:03:07,605 --> 00:03:08,773 I'm gonna go grab one of Diane's 90 00:03:08,815 --> 00:03:10,108 yogurt cups to stick on my eye-- 91 00:03:10,149 --> 00:03:12,110 - No, Sam--Sam, don't. 92 00:03:12,151 --> 00:03:15,196 Mm--damn. 93 00:03:15,238 --> 00:03:17,907 - You pus-colored piece of shit. 94 00:03:17,949 --> 00:03:19,659 I knew you were there last night. 95 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:20,660 - What? - It was either 96 00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,370 you or Chico DeBarge. 97 00:03:22,412 --> 00:03:24,122 - Okay. Well--well, you-- 98 00:03:24,163 --> 00:03:27,208 you didn't get beat up by Nina. 99 00:03:27,250 --> 00:03:29,836 You got beat up by an Asian lady 100 00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:31,754 who wouldn't stop saying the N word. 101 00:03:31,796 --> 00:03:33,631 - Whoa, whoa, whoa. You were there? 102 00:03:33,673 --> 00:03:34,757 And you didn't jump in and help? 103 00:03:34,799 --> 00:03:36,968 - That part. - Whoa, whoa, whoa again. 104 00:03:37,009 --> 00:03:38,886 Asian people are saying the N word now? 105 00:03:38,928 --> 00:03:41,097 Oh, we gotta remaster all the "Rush Hours." 106 00:03:41,139 --> 00:03:42,807 Jackie, gun. "Can't you see I'm hanging 107 00:03:42,849 --> 00:03:44,392 off a chandelier, doing kung fu, nigga?" 108 00:03:44,434 --> 00:03:45,768 - I can't believe you didn't help me. 109 00:03:45,810 --> 00:03:48,020 You watched her pour a mango margarita on my head. 110 00:03:48,062 --> 00:03:50,565 - No, I left before that. 111 00:03:50,606 --> 00:03:52,942 And it just didn't seem right 112 00:03:52,984 --> 00:03:56,738 to get involved in a domestic violence situation. 113 00:03:56,779 --> 00:03:59,365 - Well, it wasn't a domestic violence situation, bro. 114 00:03:59,407 --> 00:04:00,658 We don't even live together. 115 00:04:00,700 --> 00:04:02,785 It was just regular violence, you dumbass. 116 00:04:02,827 --> 00:04:04,495 - That doesn't seem right. 117 00:04:04,537 --> 00:04:07,081 - But bro, I'm not just some random bitch. 118 00:04:07,123 --> 00:04:08,750 You know me. 119 00:04:08,791 --> 00:04:11,044 I taught you how to put dryer sheets on the A/C 120 00:04:11,085 --> 00:04:12,336 so that smell would go away. 121 00:04:12,378 --> 00:04:14,338 - That's the homie. If it was me, 122 00:04:14,380 --> 00:04:15,631 I'd have fucked the bitch up. 123 00:04:15,673 --> 00:04:17,508 - Well, you not allowed to fuck bitches up. 124 00:04:17,550 --> 00:04:19,052 - Even in honor of other bitches? 125 00:04:19,093 --> 00:04:21,345 - Mm-mm. Wow. 126 00:04:21,387 --> 00:04:23,765 We have strayed so far from God's light. 127 00:04:23,806 --> 00:04:25,975 - But she's a homie. I would want to jump in too, 128 00:04:26,017 --> 00:04:28,019 but I'd be afraid it'd break out into a threesome. 129 00:04:28,061 --> 00:04:29,812 You know, threesomes turn into orgies real quick. 130 00:04:29,854 --> 00:04:31,731 Bodies everywhere and everybody oily and naked and all that. 131 00:04:31,773 --> 00:04:34,025 - More importantly, why were you 132 00:04:34,067 --> 00:04:37,028 and that mean Asian lady fighting in the first place? 133 00:04:37,070 --> 00:04:40,907 - I mean, her name's Tiki, and she's my side bitch. 134 00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:43,284 - Whoa! - Oh, my nigga! 135 00:04:43,326 --> 00:04:44,702 - Oh, my God. Are you-- 136 00:04:44,744 --> 00:04:46,788 you're cheating on Nina? 137 00:04:46,829 --> 00:04:48,206 - Nigga, why are you whispering? 138 00:04:48,247 --> 00:04:49,373 She's not here. 139 00:04:49,415 --> 00:04:51,209 - Because I'm devastated. 140 00:04:51,250 --> 00:04:52,543 She makes you pasta. 141 00:04:52,585 --> 00:04:56,047 - Anyway, in a series of unfortunate events, 142 00:04:56,089 --> 00:04:57,340 Tiki ended up pregnant. 143 00:04:57,382 --> 00:04:58,883 And now she's trying say it's my baby. 144 00:04:58,925 --> 00:05:01,677 - Yo, that shit is confused... - My head, my head, my head. 145 00:05:01,719 --> 00:05:04,305 - My brain so hard, bruh, like-- 146 00:05:04,347 --> 00:05:06,808 - I don't know, man. It kind of all just happened, 147 00:05:06,849 --> 00:05:07,892 you know? 148 00:05:07,934 --> 00:05:10,061 We met at this furniture store. 149 00:05:10,103 --> 00:05:11,521 You know what I mean? 150 00:05:11,562 --> 00:05:13,231 We were both looking at the same circle bed, 151 00:05:13,272 --> 00:05:15,650 with the little rhinestones in the headboard. 152 00:05:15,691 --> 00:05:17,568 You know, some shit Nina would never let me buy. 153 00:05:17,610 --> 00:05:18,903 - I'd let you buy that shit. 154 00:05:18,945 --> 00:05:20,780 - You're broke, Chris. - Yes, that's true. 155 00:05:20,822 --> 00:05:23,574 - But me and Tiki like, hit it off. 156 00:05:23,616 --> 00:05:26,786 She's just so like, wild, man, and free. 157 00:05:26,828 --> 00:05:29,455 And she paints little Minions on her fingernails. 158 00:05:29,497 --> 00:05:31,416 Sexy. - That's nice. 159 00:05:31,457 --> 00:05:33,751 - But why cheat? Right? 160 00:05:33,793 --> 00:05:35,878 Were you--were you unhappy? 161 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:37,755 Was Nina making you lift stuff? 162 00:05:37,797 --> 00:05:39,757 - It's not even about Nina. 163 00:05:39,799 --> 00:05:41,759 I'm a fucking cafeteria lady. 164 00:05:41,801 --> 00:05:43,386 Every day starts with scrambled eggs 165 00:05:43,428 --> 00:05:44,679 and ends with watching "Four Weddings." 166 00:05:44,721 --> 00:05:46,597 But when I'm with Tiki and she be arguing 167 00:05:46,639 --> 00:05:48,683 with bank tellers over overdraft fees-- 168 00:05:48,725 --> 00:05:49,809 [clicks tongue] I feel like Future. 169 00:05:49,851 --> 00:05:51,602 - Damn, we all deserve to eat pussy 170 00:05:51,644 --> 00:05:53,438 with sunglasses on sometimes. 171 00:05:53,479 --> 00:05:55,440 - Exactly. 172 00:05:55,481 --> 00:05:57,483 So when she said she wanted a baby, 173 00:05:57,525 --> 00:05:59,110 I threw in the bread for some in vitro. 174 00:05:59,152 --> 00:06:02,488 - Okay, wait. So you just paid for the baby? 175 00:06:02,530 --> 00:06:04,615 - Mm-hmm. - Everybody knows the rules. 176 00:06:04,657 --> 00:06:07,285 If it's not your load, nothing is owed. 177 00:06:07,326 --> 00:06:09,078 - Respectfully, I disagree-- 178 00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:12,206 - If it's not your splatter, it doesn't matter. 179 00:06:12,248 --> 00:06:15,126 If it's not your gravy, see ya later, lady. 180 00:06:15,168 --> 00:06:16,627 If it's not your juice, 181 00:06:16,669 --> 00:06:17,712 you ain't gotta read Mother Goose. 182 00:06:17,754 --> 00:06:20,256 - Chris, we got it. 183 00:06:20,298 --> 00:06:21,966 - All right. - Yeah. 184 00:06:22,008 --> 00:06:25,553 Look, although you didn't traditionally nut in Tiki, 185 00:06:25,595 --> 00:06:28,890 you did, however, financially nut in Tiki. 186 00:06:28,931 --> 00:06:33,019 And that makes what grew from that nut your responsibility. 187 00:06:33,061 --> 00:06:36,022 - Well, I used Nina's credit card to pay for it, 188 00:06:36,064 --> 00:06:38,066 so according to your logic, it's Nina's baby. 189 00:06:38,107 --> 00:06:39,859 - Oh, shit. - Jesus Christ! 190 00:06:39,901 --> 00:06:41,277 - Even Future wouldn't do that. 191 00:06:41,319 --> 00:06:42,987 - I mean, it wasn't supposed to be all this. 192 00:06:43,029 --> 00:06:44,947 Tiki was just supposed to be a messy getaway. 193 00:06:44,989 --> 00:06:46,407 That's what side pieces are for. 194 00:06:46,449 --> 00:06:47,742 - Yeah, but did you ever do 195 00:06:47,784 --> 00:06:49,577 non-side piece things with her? 196 00:06:49,619 --> 00:06:52,622 Like rub her back or listen to her dreams? 197 00:06:52,663 --> 00:06:55,291 - Of course I did. That's how you get pussy. 198 00:06:55,333 --> 00:06:57,502 But that doesn't mean I'm trying be with her forever. 199 00:06:57,543 --> 00:06:59,128 I gave the bitch a baby. 200 00:06:59,170 --> 00:07:01,005 I wasn't trying to have a baby with the bitch. 201 00:07:01,047 --> 00:07:03,758 - Right. Like, if I buy a girl a turtle, 202 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:05,676 I don't have to keep sending them lettuce 203 00:07:05,718 --> 00:07:07,095 or calling it on its birthday. 204 00:07:07,136 --> 00:07:08,513 - Yeah. 205 00:07:08,554 --> 00:07:11,307 And I met up with her last night to cool things off. 206 00:07:11,349 --> 00:07:14,352 But then Tiki got all wild on some "Maury" shit. 207 00:07:14,394 --> 00:07:16,938 And now I think she's gonna blow my whole life up. 208 00:07:16,979 --> 00:07:18,564 I can feel her walls closing in on me. 209 00:07:18,606 --> 00:07:19,732 - And not her pussy walls? 210 00:07:19,774 --> 00:07:20,858 - No, Chris, not her pussy walls. 211 00:07:20,900 --> 00:07:22,068 - Mm. - What a shame. 212 00:07:23,653 --> 00:07:25,530 - Call to action. The real culprit here 213 00:07:25,571 --> 00:07:28,658 is the man whose nut made that baby in the first place. 214 00:07:28,699 --> 00:07:29,700 - I think she got it from, like, 215 00:07:29,742 --> 00:07:30,785 a sperm bank or something. 216 00:07:30,827 --> 00:07:33,579 - Exactly. Downloading, downloading. 217 00:07:33,621 --> 00:07:35,748 If he would've never nutted in that cup, 218 00:07:35,790 --> 00:07:37,542 then Tiki would never had that baby. 219 00:07:37,583 --> 00:07:39,210 If Tiki never had that baby, 220 00:07:39,252 --> 00:07:41,963 then Sam never would have got her ass beat and banned 221 00:07:42,004 --> 00:07:44,048 from one of America's premiere homecoming restaurants. 222 00:07:44,090 --> 00:07:47,135 Ispo facto, that means that that man 223 00:07:47,176 --> 00:07:49,095 is a deadbeat, a woman beater... 224 00:07:49,137 --> 00:07:50,763 - Yep! - And is still allowed to go 225 00:07:50,805 --> 00:07:52,724 to The Fondue Factory when our friend is not! 226 00:07:52,765 --> 00:07:54,225 - Fucking right. Yes. 227 00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:57,395 - I'm going down to that sperm bank, 228 00:07:57,437 --> 00:07:59,397 and I'ma go find whose nut it is. 229 00:07:59,439 --> 00:08:02,358 - And I'm going, too, to talk to somebody 230 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:04,068 because I'm a customer there, and I need to figure out 231 00:08:04,110 --> 00:08:06,696 how to check my account balance online. 232 00:08:06,738 --> 00:08:09,157 - No, whoa, sorry. Sorry to hold you up. 233 00:08:09,198 --> 00:08:12,034 I know you got a lot going on, but Chris, 234 00:08:12,076 --> 00:08:16,497 do you think that the sperm bank works like a regular bank? 235 00:08:16,539 --> 00:08:17,832 - I'm sorry. One second here. 236 00:08:17,874 --> 00:08:20,543 I gotta open this garage for this numb nigga. 237 00:08:20,585 --> 00:08:22,128 No. 238 00:08:22,170 --> 00:08:25,048 I can't watch the porn I like to watch at a regular bank. 239 00:08:25,089 --> 00:08:26,340 You ever seen, like, three bitches 240 00:08:26,382 --> 00:08:27,759 on a giraffe just fucking? 241 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:30,386 The giraffe's happy but he wet. 242 00:08:30,428 --> 00:08:31,804 You don't know shit about sex. 243 00:08:31,846 --> 00:08:34,599 - [chuckles] 244 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:36,392 - Ho. 245 00:08:39,062 --> 00:08:42,398 - If you fuck on a giraffe, it's still bestiality. 246 00:08:43,941 --> 00:08:46,277 - What are you gonna do about this baby, bro? 247 00:08:46,319 --> 00:08:47,945 - Nothing, nigga. 248 00:08:47,987 --> 00:08:51,074 - Okay, well, you can't do nothing, nigga. 249 00:08:51,115 --> 00:08:53,284 I mean, come on. You gotta-- 250 00:08:53,326 --> 00:08:55,620 you gotta think about that poor, innocent child. 251 00:08:55,661 --> 00:08:57,455 - [scoffs] Whatever. 252 00:08:57,497 --> 00:08:58,873 - Oh, you pregnant? 253 00:08:58,915 --> 00:09:01,084 Oh, I knew you was gonna flip your jersey back, nigga. 254 00:09:01,125 --> 00:09:03,628 Let's go. - Nah, I'm not having no baby, 255 00:09:03,669 --> 00:09:06,214 I'm not meeting no baby, and I'm not taking care of no baby. 256 00:09:06,255 --> 00:09:09,217 - Oh, you a deadbeat daddy with titties. 257 00:09:09,258 --> 00:09:11,427 I knew I liked you. 258 00:09:11,469 --> 00:09:14,138 - Look, I don't know all the terms and conditions 259 00:09:14,180 --> 00:09:17,266 of the purchase agreement, but by all accounts, 260 00:09:17,308 --> 00:09:19,560 you are the father of that child, yes? 261 00:09:19,602 --> 00:09:23,481 - According to the Stud Commandments, you're not wrong. 262 00:09:23,523 --> 00:09:25,149 - Great. So as you know, 263 00:09:25,191 --> 00:09:28,403 I've had many stepfathers in my life. 264 00:09:28,444 --> 00:09:30,613 And I can tell you firsthand, 265 00:09:30,655 --> 00:09:33,574 there are good daddies and there are bad daddies. 266 00:09:33,616 --> 00:09:34,992 - And are there red daddies 267 00:09:35,034 --> 00:09:37,078 and are there blue daddies too, motherfucker? 268 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,997 - Mm. - Soft ass nigga. 269 00:09:40,039 --> 00:09:42,834 - There are Franks and there are Lamonts. 270 00:09:42,875 --> 00:09:44,502 Now surprisingly, you wanna be a Lamont. 271 00:09:44,544 --> 00:09:46,170 Lamont's a deacon. 272 00:09:46,212 --> 00:09:48,423 But Frank, he sucks your mom's fingers 273 00:09:48,464 --> 00:09:50,717 and tells you he has a taste for something pink. 274 00:09:50,758 --> 00:09:51,968 - I like that nigga too. 275 00:09:52,009 --> 00:09:55,138 - The point is this is a chance for you 276 00:09:55,179 --> 00:09:57,640 to finally do right by this baby. 277 00:09:57,682 --> 00:09:59,308 I mean, come on. 278 00:09:59,350 --> 00:10:01,561 You guys could become the perfect co-parents. 279 00:10:01,602 --> 00:10:03,187 It could be like a sitcom. 280 00:10:03,229 --> 00:10:06,023 I'd call it "Three Moms and a Baby." 281 00:10:06,065 --> 00:10:09,193 [cheers and applause] 282 00:10:12,905 --> 00:10:14,657 - Okay, on the count of three, 283 00:10:14,699 --> 00:10:17,201 we each will show each other the outfits we chose 284 00:10:17,243 --> 00:10:19,912 for our baby's first picture day. 285 00:10:19,954 --> 00:10:22,290 One, two, three. 286 00:10:22,331 --> 00:10:24,584 [canned laughter] 287 00:10:24,625 --> 00:10:26,085 - What's that? 288 00:10:26,127 --> 00:10:28,171 - I wanna dress the baby like the honorable minister 289 00:10:28,212 --> 00:10:29,505 Louis Farrakhan. 290 00:10:29,547 --> 00:10:31,758 [laughter] 291 00:10:33,968 --> 00:10:37,055 [baby cooing] 292 00:10:37,096 --> 00:10:39,474 [audience awws] - Aww! 293 00:10:39,515 --> 00:10:42,560 Look at our little dancing Navy Muslim. 294 00:10:42,602 --> 00:10:45,521 [laughter] 295 00:10:52,945 --> 00:10:54,238 - That's just a bullshit 296 00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:57,492 "rainbows and unicorns" version of lesbianism. 297 00:10:57,533 --> 00:10:58,910 It would be more like this. 298 00:10:58,951 --> 00:11:01,913 - I cannot believe that you did that to me. 299 00:11:01,954 --> 00:11:04,749 [all talking at once] 300 00:11:04,791 --> 00:11:06,125 [thunder rumbles] 301 00:11:06,167 --> 00:11:07,835 - Okay, what'd I do? Stop! 302 00:11:07,877 --> 00:11:09,003 - Oh, wait a minute now. 303 00:11:09,045 --> 00:11:10,463 Don't you be yelling at her like that. 304 00:11:10,505 --> 00:11:13,508 - Anyways. - Because this is my girl-- 305 00:11:13,549 --> 00:11:15,385 - Hey, y'all, 306 00:11:15,426 --> 00:11:16,469 the baby dead. 307 00:11:16,511 --> 00:11:18,054 [thunder booms] 308 00:11:18,096 --> 00:11:19,889 - Y'all killed my motherfucking baby! 309 00:11:19,931 --> 00:11:21,849 - Ain't nobody kill your baby. 310 00:11:21,891 --> 00:11:24,727 [all talking at once] 311 00:11:24,769 --> 00:11:26,437 - You hate me. You hate me. 312 00:11:26,479 --> 00:11:28,231 - I don't hate you. - You hate me. 313 00:11:28,272 --> 00:11:30,983 [Nina wails] [audience booing] 314 00:11:31,025 --> 00:11:32,902 - So you guys yelled the baby to death? 315 00:11:32,944 --> 00:11:33,986 - Pretty much. 316 00:11:34,028 --> 00:11:36,072 - Been there. 317 00:11:36,114 --> 00:11:37,115 You missed a melon chunk. 318 00:11:37,156 --> 00:11:39,242 - Yeah, get that shit. 319 00:11:39,283 --> 00:11:41,160 - The point is you can't keep running 320 00:11:41,202 --> 00:11:44,080 from your bad decisions, okay? 321 00:11:44,122 --> 00:11:46,124 And it's becoming clear to me 322 00:11:46,165 --> 00:11:49,335 that if we're gonna make this a good daddy story, 323 00:11:49,377 --> 00:11:51,462 you're gonna need me to help mediate things 324 00:11:51,504 --> 00:11:52,380 between you and Tiki. 325 00:11:52,422 --> 00:11:54,799 - Wrong. You don't wanna do that. 326 00:11:54,841 --> 00:11:56,008 It's not gonna go the way you think. 327 00:11:56,050 --> 00:11:57,260 - Mm-mm. See? 328 00:11:57,301 --> 00:11:58,511 That sounds like Frank talking. 329 00:11:58,553 --> 00:12:00,763 - Look, you can't just roll up there 330 00:12:00,805 --> 00:12:03,808 talking like a therapist and think shit's gonna be smooth. 331 00:12:03,850 --> 00:12:05,852 You don't know Tiki, okay? 332 00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:07,311 Some bitches can't be reasoned with. 333 00:12:07,353 --> 00:12:10,314 - Tiki? That bitch crazier than a fuck, 334 00:12:10,356 --> 00:12:13,484 but she can wash the shit out a car though. 335 00:12:13,526 --> 00:12:15,445 - Now why would she have washed your car? 336 00:12:15,486 --> 00:12:18,322 - Because I needed the shit waxed and buffed, nigga. 337 00:12:22,118 --> 00:12:23,995 - Hey! What up? 338 00:12:24,036 --> 00:12:26,289 - Hey, Chris is back. 339 00:12:26,330 --> 00:12:27,665 Someone grab the big cup. 340 00:12:27,707 --> 00:12:29,125 - Girl, stop playing with me. 341 00:12:29,167 --> 00:12:31,502 I'm just a regular man like everybody else. 342 00:12:31,544 --> 00:12:34,130 You know what I'm saying? Heavy dick, light balls. 343 00:12:34,172 --> 00:12:35,673 No, I don't need a big cup today. 344 00:12:35,715 --> 00:12:37,675 I'm just here to check on my safety deposit box, you know? 345 00:12:37,717 --> 00:12:38,968 - I'm sorry, Chris, 346 00:12:39,010 --> 00:12:41,179 but that's not how sperm banks work. 347 00:12:41,220 --> 00:12:42,930 Once the sperm comes in, 348 00:12:42,972 --> 00:12:45,516 customers aren't allowed to see it anymore. 349 00:12:47,477 --> 00:12:48,936 - Where is he? 350 00:12:48,978 --> 00:12:51,522 - I don't know. That's why I'm here. 351 00:12:51,564 --> 00:12:54,067 [sobs] - Oh. Ooh. 352 00:12:54,108 --> 00:12:56,319 Shit. Ah, fuck. 353 00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:58,654 Dude. 354 00:12:58,696 --> 00:12:59,906 I didn't think she was gon'-- 355 00:12:59,947 --> 00:13:01,532 I didn't think it was gonna be-- 356 00:13:01,574 --> 00:13:03,076 I didn't mean to do this. 357 00:13:03,117 --> 00:13:05,620 My bad, y'all. 358 00:13:05,661 --> 00:13:07,538 But, you know-- 359 00:13:08,915 --> 00:13:10,374 - Let me get this straight. So--so I can-- 360 00:13:10,416 --> 00:13:12,460 so I can--so I can cum here, 361 00:13:12,502 --> 00:13:14,712 but I can't see my dick juice later? 362 00:13:14,754 --> 00:13:17,715 Then I guess I gotta close my account 363 00:13:17,757 --> 00:13:21,135 and go take my business elsewhere. Ha. 364 00:13:21,177 --> 00:13:22,303 - Chris. - What? 365 00:13:22,345 --> 00:13:24,097 - This isn't a real bank. 366 00:13:24,138 --> 00:13:25,390 That's why you see all these pictures 367 00:13:25,431 --> 00:13:28,434 of urethras on the walls. 368 00:13:28,476 --> 00:13:30,269 - I thought that was Georgia O'Queef. 369 00:13:30,311 --> 00:13:32,146 - The only way the sperm leaves 370 00:13:32,188 --> 00:13:35,900 is if it leaves fertilized inside a lady. 371 00:13:35,942 --> 00:13:37,485 - Hm. 372 00:13:41,531 --> 00:13:45,076 So you're saying that little baby that white lady holding, 373 00:13:45,118 --> 00:13:46,160 that could be mine? 374 00:13:46,202 --> 00:13:49,080 - Actually, despite your many, 375 00:13:49,122 --> 00:13:54,085 many visits, no one's actually ever wanted your specimen. 376 00:13:55,336 --> 00:13:56,754 - No--no one? - No. 377 00:13:56,796 --> 00:13:59,424 - They said that? - Not a single person. 378 00:13:59,465 --> 00:14:01,175 You're completely baby-free. 379 00:14:01,217 --> 00:14:04,554 - Baby-free. No, that's cool. 380 00:14:04,595 --> 00:14:07,515 That's real cool. It's cool to be free. 381 00:14:09,559 --> 00:14:11,352 Wait, hold on. Hold on, Chris. 382 00:14:11,394 --> 00:14:13,104 Come on. You're Chris Henson. 383 00:14:13,146 --> 00:14:16,149 You played football one time and didn't get hurt. 384 00:14:16,190 --> 00:14:17,900 If they don't wanna use your nut, 385 00:14:17,942 --> 00:14:20,778 it's because they don't know the potential of that nut. 386 00:14:20,820 --> 00:14:23,239 Thank you, Lucille. I appreciate you. 387 00:14:23,281 --> 00:14:25,783 Ladies and gentlemen of the sperm bank, 388 00:14:25,825 --> 00:14:29,620 it's time to let me cum inside of you. 389 00:14:29,662 --> 00:14:31,664 - Sam's scared to handle her own business, 390 00:14:31,706 --> 00:14:32,790 but don't worry, baby. 391 00:14:32,832 --> 00:14:34,709 I'll take care of her for you. 392 00:14:34,751 --> 00:14:37,962 Uh, I guess I should introduce myself. 393 00:14:38,004 --> 00:14:39,047 I'm Langston. 394 00:14:39,088 --> 00:14:41,549 I guess I'm technically your uncle. 395 00:14:41,591 --> 00:14:43,634 Although, not in the traditional sense. 396 00:14:43,676 --> 00:14:45,178 You don't have a traditional family. 397 00:14:45,219 --> 00:14:46,637 Lesbians-- 398 00:14:46,679 --> 00:14:48,139 - You doing the census? 399 00:14:48,181 --> 00:14:49,515 - No, I'm Sam's friend. 400 00:14:49,557 --> 00:14:50,975 - Uh. 401 00:14:51,017 --> 00:14:52,143 [baby cries] 402 00:14:52,185 --> 00:14:54,395 - Um-- 403 00:14:54,437 --> 00:14:56,939 - He don't like eating inside. 404 00:14:56,981 --> 00:15:00,359 - That is a thing some people do. 405 00:15:00,401 --> 00:15:01,861 I've been speaking with Sam 406 00:15:01,903 --> 00:15:04,947 and through mentorship, she now understands 407 00:15:04,989 --> 00:15:08,326 that she does in fact have responsibility for your baby. 408 00:15:08,367 --> 00:15:11,287 And--and Sam also understands 409 00:15:11,329 --> 00:15:14,040 that what happened the other night was simply a mother, 410 00:15:14,082 --> 00:15:19,045 trying to do what's best for her unconventional family. 411 00:15:19,087 --> 00:15:22,840 And most importantly, Sam would like to reach an agreement 412 00:15:22,882 --> 00:15:26,302 so that incidents like what transpired, 413 00:15:26,344 --> 00:15:28,429 never have to happen again. 414 00:15:28,471 --> 00:15:31,891 - Aw, nah, I'ma fuck that bitch up every time I see her. 415 00:15:31,933 --> 00:15:35,103 - Okay, that's not what you were supposed to say. 416 00:15:35,144 --> 00:15:38,314 - People been doing me dirty my whole life. 417 00:15:38,356 --> 00:15:40,525 Shit felt different with Sam. 418 00:15:40,566 --> 00:15:42,360 I introduced her to my psychic. 419 00:15:42,402 --> 00:15:43,569 - Oh, no. 420 00:15:43,611 --> 00:15:45,446 - She really led me on for real. 421 00:15:45,488 --> 00:15:47,448 All she had to do was treat me like shit from the top, 422 00:15:47,490 --> 00:15:48,991 and I wouldn't even be mad. 423 00:15:49,033 --> 00:15:51,744 But tried to play sisterhood and intimacy. 424 00:15:51,786 --> 00:15:53,913 So now whenever I see her, it's on and popping. 425 00:15:53,955 --> 00:15:55,540 - Right, okay. I hear you. 426 00:15:55,581 --> 00:15:56,874 I hear you. 427 00:15:56,916 --> 00:15:59,460 But don't you need help with the baby? 428 00:15:59,502 --> 00:16:02,797 You don't wanna raise a baby around domestic violence. 429 00:16:02,839 --> 00:16:04,590 - That wasn't no domestic violence. 430 00:16:04,632 --> 00:16:06,092 We don't even live together. 431 00:16:06,134 --> 00:16:08,594 - Why does everybody keep saying that? 432 00:16:08,636 --> 00:16:11,264 - And besides, you don't think I could provide for my kid? 433 00:16:11,305 --> 00:16:13,766 I'm not some down and out single mom. 434 00:16:13,808 --> 00:16:15,476 I got a good job, 435 00:16:15,518 --> 00:16:16,978 I only eat hotdogs by choice, 436 00:16:17,019 --> 00:16:20,022 and I mind my damn business. 437 00:16:20,064 --> 00:16:21,441 Unlike you. 438 00:16:21,482 --> 00:16:23,276 Me and my baby good over here. 439 00:16:23,317 --> 00:16:25,695 - But your baby is eating steak in the sun. 440 00:16:25,737 --> 00:16:27,280 You didn't even cut it up-- 441 00:16:27,321 --> 00:16:31,075 Ohh! Ooh! 442 00:16:31,117 --> 00:16:32,326 Fuck you! 443 00:16:32,368 --> 00:16:38,583 * * 444 00:16:38,624 --> 00:16:42,420 - Gary, Indiana. 12:37 p.m. 445 00:16:42,462 --> 00:16:46,591 A two-timing lesbian is accused of fathering a baby 446 00:16:46,632 --> 00:16:48,926 without busting a nut. 447 00:16:48,968 --> 00:16:51,971 But if there's no daddy sauce in that dildo, 448 00:16:52,013 --> 00:16:54,098 then whose nut was it? 449 00:16:54,140 --> 00:16:57,226 And who's really getting fucked? 450 00:17:00,563 --> 00:17:05,443 - 86, 87. 451 00:17:05,485 --> 00:17:07,111 Hundred! Whoo! 452 00:17:07,153 --> 00:17:08,863 That's a lot of goddamn pushups. 453 00:17:08,905 --> 00:17:10,573 No pushups for fat niggas. 454 00:17:10,615 --> 00:17:13,117 You know what I'm saying? You like what you see, ladies, 455 00:17:13,159 --> 00:17:17,622 go ahead and pick cum number 115913. 456 00:17:17,663 --> 00:17:19,332 Okay? And if you like me, 457 00:17:19,373 --> 00:17:20,666 you can find me at the same number, 458 00:17:20,708 --> 00:17:22,877 add three more numbers. 459 00:17:22,919 --> 00:17:24,962 You can't even read. What you doing? 460 00:17:25,004 --> 00:17:27,673 Hey, I also make omelets. Hold that. 461 00:17:29,342 --> 00:17:31,469 You ever seen a nigga moonwalk with his back? 462 00:17:31,511 --> 00:17:33,638 That's some new shit. That's some real new shit 463 00:17:33,679 --> 00:17:35,348 right there. 464 00:17:35,390 --> 00:17:37,308 [in deep, gravelly voice] Beneath me lies an army 465 00:17:37,350 --> 00:17:40,561 of vermin pushing deadbeat daddyhood. 466 00:17:40,603 --> 00:17:44,232 When the accumulated nut floods the building 467 00:17:44,273 --> 00:17:48,903 and all these sinners drown in the strange men's pudding, 468 00:17:48,945 --> 00:17:52,323 they'll look up and they'll say, "Save us." 469 00:17:52,365 --> 00:17:56,160 And I'll look down and I'll whisper, "Nah." 470 00:17:56,202 --> 00:17:58,329 And they'll say, "Who said that?" 471 00:17:58,371 --> 00:17:59,997 And I'll say, "Me, Jak." 472 00:18:00,039 --> 00:18:02,333 And they'll say, "Who's Jak?" 473 00:18:02,375 --> 00:18:04,877 And I'll say, "Damn, I should've introduced myself." 474 00:18:04,919 --> 00:18:06,212 - You wanna see how the sauce is made? 475 00:18:06,254 --> 00:18:09,924 Like that, like that, like that. 476 00:18:17,515 --> 00:18:19,475 - I made it inside, 477 00:18:19,517 --> 00:18:22,478 but the real question still remains. 478 00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:25,231 Who made it inside of Tiki? 479 00:18:25,273 --> 00:18:26,941 [door opens] 480 00:18:29,026 --> 00:18:31,696 - [muffled cry] 481 00:18:31,738 --> 00:18:33,364 What the fuck? 482 00:18:33,406 --> 00:18:35,199 - [deep voice] I thought it would make you sleep. 483 00:18:35,241 --> 00:18:37,452 - You gotta put chloroform on the napkin. 484 00:18:37,493 --> 00:18:40,288 - [normal voice] Oh, shit. 485 00:18:41,456 --> 00:18:43,541 Hey, you got any chloroform? - No. 486 00:18:43,583 --> 00:18:45,251 Damn! 487 00:18:45,293 --> 00:18:46,294 You weird, bruh. 488 00:18:49,672 --> 00:18:51,215 - [in deep voice] No, I'm not. 489 00:18:58,598 --> 00:19:01,559 [sweeping music] 490 00:19:01,601 --> 00:19:08,483 * * 491 00:19:12,904 --> 00:19:15,198 My God. 492 00:19:15,239 --> 00:19:19,285 Tiki's baby daddy is just the tip of this nut rag. 493 00:19:24,707 --> 00:19:26,167 - Hear me out. 494 00:19:26,209 --> 00:19:30,296 What if we kill Tiki.. - Mm. Mm-hmm. 495 00:19:30,338 --> 00:19:31,714 - And we put the baby in foster care? 496 00:19:31,756 --> 00:19:33,007 - Ooh, yes. - You like that? 497 00:19:33,049 --> 00:19:35,218 - Let it get lost in the system 498 00:19:35,259 --> 00:19:37,095 but keep tabs on it just in case it pops. 499 00:19:37,136 --> 00:19:38,721 - Now we're cooking. 500 00:19:38,763 --> 00:19:41,933 - Hey, there's a bunch of rowdy-ass girls out there 501 00:19:41,974 --> 00:19:43,559 telling me it's their half birthdays some shit. 502 00:19:43,601 --> 00:19:46,062 Now they already broke three of my god damn appletini glasses 503 00:19:46,104 --> 00:19:47,814 and them motherfuckers is plastic. 504 00:19:47,855 --> 00:19:50,358 So, these hoes are determined. 505 00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,652 Langston, I'm gonna need you on cleanup, nigga. 506 00:19:52,693 --> 00:19:55,113 - All right. 507 00:19:55,154 --> 00:19:56,906 We'll talk about this. 508 00:19:56,948 --> 00:19:59,659 Whoo, the hustle never stops. 509 00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:00,827 - Shut up, bitch. 510 00:20:00,868 --> 00:20:03,371 - Oh, make it rain! 511 00:20:03,413 --> 00:20:05,665 [girls screaming] 512 00:20:05,706 --> 00:20:07,959 - For the homies! 513 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,961 [shouting] 514 00:20:10,002 --> 00:20:11,671 - Bye. 515 00:20:11,713 --> 00:20:13,089 - Bye, little girl. 516 00:20:14,382 --> 00:20:16,676 - Where the fly boys at? - I need to find them. 517 00:20:16,718 --> 00:20:18,219 - Where are they? - [laughs] 518 00:20:18,261 --> 00:20:19,095 - Oh! 519 00:20:19,137 --> 00:20:20,930 - Psst, I got this cum. 520 00:20:20,972 --> 00:20:22,432 Come on, girl, come get this cum. 521 00:20:22,473 --> 00:20:24,726 That count for love? I count per load of cum. 522 00:20:24,767 --> 00:20:26,060 - Sorry, I don't have any cash. 523 00:20:26,102 --> 00:20:27,895 - Well, that sounds like a you problem, huh? 524 00:20:27,937 --> 00:20:29,939 Fuck. Come on, y'all. Step right up. 525 00:20:29,981 --> 00:20:31,733 Get the seed from a man who can bench 140. 526 00:20:31,774 --> 00:20:34,652 Easy. Three AP Psych credits. Bald by choice. 527 00:20:34,694 --> 00:20:38,239 I'm Michael Jordan. Where'd you even get this from? 528 00:20:38,281 --> 00:20:39,949 - Are you selling drugs outside of our sperm bank? 529 00:20:39,991 --> 00:20:41,367 - No. 530 00:20:41,409 --> 00:20:44,036 I'm selling sperm outside of our sperm bank. 531 00:20:44,078 --> 00:20:46,372 - And I am almost certain that that's illegal. 532 00:20:46,414 --> 00:20:50,668 - What's illegal is you having 300 gallons of pure Chris cream 533 00:20:50,710 --> 00:20:52,628 just sitting in there, not being used. 534 00:20:52,670 --> 00:20:54,464 I'm bringing the products to the streets. 535 00:20:54,505 --> 00:20:57,050 Come on, y'all. No over-jack fees, huh? 536 00:20:57,091 --> 00:20:59,052 No over jack. First taste is free. 537 00:20:59,093 --> 00:21:00,553 Hey, you want that Chris P. Crème, baby? 538 00:21:00,595 --> 00:21:01,888 - Okay, fine, Chris. 539 00:21:01,929 --> 00:21:04,015 We will give you your sperm back. 540 00:21:04,057 --> 00:21:05,641 Just stop asking patients to taste it. 541 00:21:05,683 --> 00:21:07,060 - Alright. - Let's go. 542 00:21:07,101 --> 00:21:09,062 - Chris P. Crème. Not the donut, but my nut. 543 00:21:09,103 --> 00:21:12,607 - I just need a quick beat to sort out your samples 544 00:21:12,648 --> 00:21:15,109 but I should have a box ready for you-- 545 00:21:15,151 --> 00:21:16,778 - No one's ever gonna miss your soccer games! 546 00:21:16,819 --> 00:21:18,446 Or your dance recitals! 547 00:21:18,488 --> 00:21:23,409 Or your one-woman shows or your colonoscopy ever again! 548 00:21:23,451 --> 00:21:24,786 - What the fuck are you doing? 549 00:21:24,827 --> 00:21:26,746 - Oh, shit. 550 00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:30,249 - Oh, my life savings! [sobs] 551 00:21:30,291 --> 00:21:32,460 All my nut on the floor now. 552 00:21:34,754 --> 00:21:36,547 All that jacking off. 553 00:21:36,589 --> 00:21:38,508 - [grunts, groans] 554 00:21:38,549 --> 00:21:40,676 [in deep voice] I can hear them. 555 00:21:40,718 --> 00:21:42,804 I can hear all of them. 556 00:21:42,845 --> 00:21:45,056 I can hear them screaming. 557 00:21:45,098 --> 00:21:49,143 This is what it must feel like to be God. 558 00:21:50,269 --> 00:21:53,272 - Big problem. Big, big problem. 559 00:21:53,314 --> 00:21:56,651 Tiki's out there and she's demanding special ice. 560 00:21:56,692 --> 00:21:59,153 I mean, this bitch don't give a fuck. 561 00:21:59,195 --> 00:22:00,780 - Mm-mm. Not going out there. I already told you. 562 00:22:00,822 --> 00:22:01,948 I don't negotiate with terrorists. 563 00:22:01,989 --> 00:22:03,658 - Okay, come on. 564 00:22:05,743 --> 00:22:07,286 [Chris whines] 565 00:22:07,328 --> 00:22:10,123 Okay, whatever. Look, look at me. 566 00:22:10,164 --> 00:22:14,127 Tiki is a parasite and the only way for us 567 00:22:14,168 --> 00:22:15,503 to get rid of a parasite 568 00:22:15,545 --> 00:22:18,297 is to introduce that parasite to a new host. 569 00:22:18,339 --> 00:22:21,050 - Chill out, bro. Tiki's not a parasite. 570 00:22:21,092 --> 00:22:22,510 She just be acting up sometimes. 571 00:22:22,552 --> 00:22:24,303 You don't know how to deal with wild bitches. 572 00:22:24,345 --> 00:22:26,764 - Okay. Well, wild bitches or not. 573 00:22:26,806 --> 00:22:29,892 What I'm saying is the real solution to our problem 574 00:22:29,934 --> 00:22:35,022 is to find someone who just wants to be the baby daddy. 575 00:22:35,064 --> 00:22:38,151 - Okay. - I'll raise the child. 576 00:22:38,568 --> 00:22:41,779 This morning I started with a whole lot of cum 577 00:22:41,821 --> 00:22:43,489 and now I have none. 578 00:22:43,531 --> 00:22:45,450 - Nigga, what? - Hold on. 579 00:22:45,491 --> 00:22:47,410 One second, man. I think he's gonna get it. 580 00:22:47,452 --> 00:22:50,246 - Today, people rejected all my babies 581 00:22:50,288 --> 00:22:51,998 the way Sam is rejecting hers. 582 00:22:52,039 --> 00:22:55,126 It's almost as if me and that baby are meant to be together. 583 00:22:55,168 --> 00:22:57,420 Like crackheads and shopping carts 584 00:22:57,462 --> 00:23:00,006 or The-Dream and sunglasses. 585 00:23:00,048 --> 00:23:01,549 Like, what that nigga eyes look like? 586 00:23:01,591 --> 00:23:05,470 Point is, I will be the baby daddy that Sam refuses to be. 587 00:23:05,511 --> 00:23:07,513 - Alright, cool. That sounds great. Do that. 588 00:23:07,555 --> 00:23:10,183 - Yeah, I think that could work. 589 00:23:10,224 --> 00:23:12,894 - Yellow citizen, take me to my queen. 590 00:23:12,935 --> 00:23:16,064 - Okay. Um, it's that way. 591 00:23:16,105 --> 00:23:17,482 - You walk off alone. 592 00:23:17,523 --> 00:23:19,901 - Nigga, you better not be pregnant. 593 00:23:19,942 --> 00:23:21,319 Ain't no god damn maternity leave. 594 00:23:21,360 --> 00:23:23,112 You will leave this motherfucker, I guarantee you. 595 00:23:23,154 --> 00:23:24,489 - I'm not pregnant. 596 00:23:24,530 --> 00:23:27,366 - I did it. I busted all the nuts. 597 00:23:27,408 --> 00:23:29,327 - Nigga. - Good job, buddy. 598 00:23:29,368 --> 00:23:32,038 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 599 00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:33,206 - Hey, yo, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. 600 00:23:33,247 --> 00:23:34,707 Get your goddamn ass up, boy. 601 00:23:34,749 --> 00:23:36,459 Don't be touching--don't be touching shit in here, man. 602 00:23:36,501 --> 00:23:38,127 Hey, nigga, you better not touch me. 603 00:23:38,169 --> 00:23:39,379 What the fuck? Hey. 604 00:23:39,420 --> 00:23:40,713 Get your motherfucking-- get your-- 605 00:23:40,755 --> 00:23:42,882 [Jak giggles] Get your damn ass-- 606 00:23:42,924 --> 00:23:44,133 - Come here. 607 00:23:44,175 --> 00:23:45,385 Come here, little nigga. Come here! 608 00:23:50,139 --> 00:23:51,391 - [sighs] 609 00:23:51,432 --> 00:23:54,143 - All right, Chris. That lady over there 610 00:23:54,185 --> 00:23:56,104 dressed like a leather popsicle is Tiki. 611 00:23:56,145 --> 00:23:58,314 - Bye. Bye! - Get outta here. 612 00:23:58,356 --> 00:24:00,566 - I'm warning you, she is way scarier 613 00:24:00,608 --> 00:24:03,486 than that tropical name makes her seem. 614 00:24:03,528 --> 00:24:05,822 - Don't worry about it. My Almond Joy colored friend. 615 00:24:05,863 --> 00:24:07,573 I got this. 616 00:24:07,615 --> 00:24:10,618 [Mint Condition's "Pretty Brown Eyes"] 617 00:24:10,660 --> 00:24:17,625 * * 618 00:24:18,876 --> 00:24:21,212 - * Pretty brown eyes * 619 00:24:21,254 --> 00:24:25,508 * You know I see you * 620 00:24:25,550 --> 00:24:27,468 [glass shatters] - Oh. Mm-mm. 621 00:24:27,510 --> 00:24:30,138 - I'll raise the child. 622 00:24:30,179 --> 00:24:31,764 - What? 623 00:24:31,806 --> 00:24:33,558 - Fine then, fuck you and that little motherfucker 624 00:24:33,599 --> 00:24:35,101 since you wanna go at it like that. 625 00:24:35,143 --> 00:24:36,811 - Who the fuck is you talking to? 626 00:24:36,853 --> 00:24:39,814 Y'all better come get this Caillou cocoa-bean-headed-ass 627 00:24:39,856 --> 00:24:41,774 nigga away from me before I whoop your ass. 628 00:24:41,816 --> 00:24:43,151 Boy, bye. 629 00:24:43,192 --> 00:24:47,196 - Please, just let me see my son, man! 630 00:24:47,238 --> 00:24:49,282 Who gonna teach him how to ride a bike 631 00:24:49,323 --> 00:24:50,950 only to realize mid-way through 632 00:24:50,992 --> 00:24:53,119 that I'm really learning the most? 633 00:24:53,161 --> 00:24:56,497 - Sam, I know you here. 634 00:24:56,789 --> 00:25:00,043 Come out or we're gonna keep fucking shit up. 635 00:25:00,084 --> 00:25:02,587 We're gonna go table to table 636 00:25:02,628 --> 00:25:04,922 and shout out everybody's cards. 637 00:25:04,964 --> 00:25:07,717 - Mm-hmm. Starting with these weak ass sixes right here. 638 00:25:07,759 --> 00:25:12,138 - [giggles] - Dammit. Dirty dog head bitch. 639 00:25:12,180 --> 00:25:13,139 - Man, she just playing. 640 00:25:13,181 --> 00:25:15,308 - Yeah. Whoo! 641 00:25:15,349 --> 00:25:17,477 - Okay. - Ah, ah, ah. 642 00:25:17,518 --> 00:25:18,811 - I ain't going out there, man. 643 00:25:18,853 --> 00:25:20,480 She wants to talk but I'm not gonna go. 644 00:25:20,521 --> 00:25:22,398 I'm not going cause she be hitting people-- 645 00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:24,400 - Hey, look, bruh. 646 00:25:24,442 --> 00:25:26,778 Ain't nothing wrong with a side pussy. 647 00:25:26,819 --> 00:25:28,696 I'm all about getting some side pussy. 648 00:25:28,738 --> 00:25:30,656 You hear what I'm saying? I'm trying to fuck the bitch 649 00:25:30,698 --> 00:25:32,408 that load up the pop machine right now. 650 00:25:32,450 --> 00:25:34,744 But you, you need to get your shit together. 651 00:25:34,786 --> 00:25:36,412 Your side pussy coming to your work. 652 00:25:36,454 --> 00:25:37,955 And when your side pussy start coming to your work, 653 00:25:37,997 --> 00:25:39,082 you know what that means? 654 00:25:39,123 --> 00:25:41,751 - She work pussy. - It's work pussy. 655 00:25:41,793 --> 00:25:44,253 And I don't work for nobody pussy but my own. 656 00:25:46,130 --> 00:25:47,840 - You're right, man. 657 00:25:47,882 --> 00:25:50,093 I let my messy hoe shit get too messy. 658 00:25:50,134 --> 00:25:52,678 I gotta go clean this shit up. 659 00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:54,222 - Damn right. 660 00:25:56,307 --> 00:25:59,394 - Yo, you're like a father to me, man. 661 00:25:59,435 --> 00:26:01,729 - You're like a son to me, nigga. 662 00:26:06,109 --> 00:26:09,487 Motherfucker been drinking my god damn Zinfandel. 663 00:26:10,696 --> 00:26:13,950 - Help! Someone please help! 664 00:26:15,034 --> 00:26:16,411 Help! 665 00:26:16,452 --> 00:26:20,289 - Tokandra Chanel Dang, that's enough. 666 00:26:21,165 --> 00:26:22,333 - Uh-uh. 667 00:26:22,375 --> 00:26:23,876 You don't get to tell me what's enough. 668 00:26:23,918 --> 00:26:26,337 What you need to do is take responsibility for your baby. 669 00:26:26,379 --> 00:26:29,257 - You wanted a baby. So I copped you a baby. 670 00:26:29,298 --> 00:26:31,676 You know damn well we weren't making no family together. 671 00:26:31,718 --> 00:26:33,553 You knew what the game was. Stop playing. 672 00:26:33,594 --> 00:26:35,346 - Don't try to act like you was keeping it all play 673 00:26:35,388 --> 00:26:36,556 when you were sucking on my titty 674 00:26:36,597 --> 00:26:39,183 and singing Donnell Jones. - So I like R&B. 675 00:26:39,225 --> 00:26:40,393 - You played games with my heart. 676 00:26:40,435 --> 00:26:43,062 You're selfish and you're cruel. 677 00:26:43,104 --> 00:26:45,148 And your little strap was not even that sturdy 678 00:26:45,189 --> 00:26:46,524 'cause it be slipping off and shit. 679 00:26:46,566 --> 00:26:48,526 - Fine. I'll hold the baby. 680 00:26:49,569 --> 00:26:51,779 - For ten minutes? - Whatever. 681 00:26:51,821 --> 00:26:53,781 - A'ight, I'm gonna go get him from the car. 682 00:26:53,823 --> 00:26:55,658 - Bye. 683 00:26:58,995 --> 00:27:01,289 [child babbles] 684 00:27:02,623 --> 00:27:04,292 - Mm-hmm. [indistinct] 685 00:27:04,333 --> 00:27:06,085 - Whoa, Sam, Sam, Sam. 686 00:27:06,127 --> 00:27:08,421 Don't give him that. It got hot sauce in it. 687 00:27:08,463 --> 00:27:11,090 - Doo, doo, doo, doo. - He eat hot sauce. 688 00:27:11,132 --> 00:27:12,717 - He shouldn't. 689 00:27:12,759 --> 00:27:14,469 It's gonna make him poop weird. 690 00:27:15,053 --> 00:27:19,807 * *