1 00:00:08,301 --> 00:00:09,927 - Come on--yeah! 2 00:00:09,969 --> 00:00:12,638 - Whoo! - Whoo! 3 00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:14,098 Hit me twice! 4 00:00:14,140 --> 00:00:17,101 [lightly edgy music] 5 00:00:17,143 --> 00:00:24,025 * * 6 00:00:24,067 --> 00:00:26,778 [indistinct yelling, whooping] 7 00:00:29,113 --> 00:00:31,324 - Look at these motherfuckers. 8 00:00:31,365 --> 00:00:33,826 [background chatter] 9 00:00:33,868 --> 00:00:36,579 Man, fuck this. 10 00:00:36,621 --> 00:00:38,498 I'm not even fucking supposed to be at this stupid ass job. 11 00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:41,042 I got all the fucking potential in the world. 12 00:00:41,084 --> 00:00:42,877 Hey, y'all, I'm finna quit. 13 00:00:42,919 --> 00:00:44,962 I don't want to be a cafeteria lady no more. 14 00:00:45,004 --> 00:00:47,507 - What are you doing? That's good furniture! 15 00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:49,217 What's wrong with you? 16 00:00:49,258 --> 00:00:50,802 - Life is what's wrong, nigga. 17 00:00:50,843 --> 00:00:52,470 I'm sick of serving string beans 18 00:00:52,512 --> 00:00:53,930 and expired fruit salad. 19 00:00:53,971 --> 00:00:55,598 I want a floor job. 20 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:57,058 I want to watch the big spenders 21 00:00:57,100 --> 00:00:58,142 swinging their dicks. 22 00:00:58,184 --> 00:01:01,104 - What? We're getting floor jobs? 23 00:01:01,145 --> 00:01:02,647 Ooh, I want to be a chandelier. 24 00:01:02,688 --> 00:01:04,440 You know, just sitting out there, 25 00:01:04,482 --> 00:01:06,567 hanging over niggas, judgin'. 26 00:01:06,609 --> 00:01:08,653 - I have to say, it would be nice 27 00:01:08,694 --> 00:01:10,530 to get a job that doesn't involve urinal cakes. 28 00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:11,781 - Thank you. - Or people leaving 29 00:01:11,823 --> 00:01:12,949 their toenails behind. 30 00:01:12,990 --> 00:01:15,785 - Whoo, I want my name on a damn marquee. 31 00:01:15,827 --> 00:01:18,329 Shit, I don't know why my name ain't up there now. 32 00:01:18,371 --> 00:01:20,832 Chris Henson, Hammond Theater, 33 00:01:20,873 --> 00:01:23,418 with the likes of Bruce Bruce Bruce. 34 00:01:23,459 --> 00:01:25,336 - Bruce Bruce the comedian? He's funny. 35 00:01:25,378 --> 00:01:26,713 - He's funny. - Bro, and I like his suits. 36 00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:28,464 - No, niggas. 37 00:01:28,506 --> 00:01:30,800 Bruce Bruce Bruce. He's a magician. 38 00:01:30,842 --> 00:01:32,176 He got a gun. 39 00:01:32,218 --> 00:01:33,845 - Chris, I gotta ask you, man. 40 00:01:33,886 --> 00:01:36,431 What is your show gonna be? You know what I mean? 41 00:01:36,472 --> 00:01:38,516 What you gonna do? What, you gonna go on stage 42 00:01:38,558 --> 00:01:41,185 and valet cars? [laughs] 43 00:01:41,227 --> 00:01:43,563 - [mimics laughter] 44 00:01:44,981 --> 00:01:47,233 No, nigga. What is your show gonna be? 45 00:01:47,275 --> 00:01:49,736 Being a custodian without a gun? 46 00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:52,822 - Okay, I've explained this to you all many times. 47 00:01:52,864 --> 00:01:54,782 I am not a custodian. 48 00:01:54,824 --> 00:01:58,035 I'm the head of Custodial Operations 49 00:01:58,077 --> 00:01:59,370 and Services. 50 00:01:59,412 --> 00:02:01,831 - Okay, so you head doo-doo man. 51 00:02:01,873 --> 00:02:03,374 [laughter] 52 00:02:03,416 --> 00:02:05,001 That's still a custodian, dog. 53 00:02:05,043 --> 00:02:07,879 Even after Mario eats the star, that nigga's still a plumber. 54 00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:10,506 - I think we should be putting all of our chips 55 00:02:10,548 --> 00:02:12,508 in my big cousin Chris' bag. - Talk that shit, man. 56 00:02:12,550 --> 00:02:13,676 - I don't know what he does. 57 00:02:13,718 --> 00:02:14,761 He don't even know what he does. 58 00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:16,929 Nobody really knows what he does. 59 00:02:16,971 --> 00:02:19,015 But he's the best at it. 60 00:02:19,057 --> 00:02:20,767 - Get off his dick. 61 00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:22,268 - No, I won't. 62 00:02:22,310 --> 00:02:23,436 - Thanks, cuz. - No problem. 63 00:02:23,478 --> 00:02:24,395 - Y'all need family like this. 64 00:02:24,437 --> 00:02:26,147 Oh, get-- Okay, yeah. 65 00:02:26,189 --> 00:02:28,024 Make a wish, nigga. Make a wish. 66 00:02:28,066 --> 00:02:29,108 - Hmm. 67 00:02:29,150 --> 00:02:31,778 - Hey, listen up, bunch of ninnies. 68 00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:33,696 I'm trying to come up with a name 69 00:02:33,738 --> 00:02:35,990 for this new blackjack dealer I just hired. 70 00:02:36,032 --> 00:02:37,825 He's got a rubber toe. 71 00:02:37,867 --> 00:02:40,828 So I'm thinkin'... 72 00:02:40,870 --> 00:02:43,831 [rolls Rs] Roberto. [chuckles] 73 00:02:43,873 --> 00:02:45,875 - I don't know. It seems offensive, 74 00:02:45,917 --> 00:02:47,418 even if I can't tell why. 75 00:02:47,460 --> 00:02:50,004 - Fair enough, ACLU. 76 00:02:50,046 --> 00:02:51,589 Before I head on outta here, 77 00:02:51,631 --> 00:02:53,216 I just wanna let y'all know 78 00:02:53,257 --> 00:02:55,718 that the shipping department's having a little debrief 79 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:57,970 down on the loading dock. Jak? 80 00:02:59,472 --> 00:03:00,681 Care to join? 81 00:03:00,723 --> 00:03:02,767 - Ha ha. - Come on, man. 82 00:03:02,809 --> 00:03:05,019 - This man gotta work. - Come on, man! 83 00:03:05,061 --> 00:03:06,479 - * Go to work! * 84 00:03:06,521 --> 00:03:08,773 * Uh-oh, somebody's gotta go outside-- * 85 00:03:08,815 --> 00:03:11,025 - [laughs] 86 00:03:11,067 --> 00:03:13,861 - That hurt. - Yeah, yo, have fun, cuz. 87 00:03:13,903 --> 00:03:15,738 - All right, Jak, let's step back here. 88 00:03:15,780 --> 00:03:19,325 Man, I gotta say, I see real potential in you. 89 00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:20,952 I want to take you back to my office, 90 00:03:20,993 --> 00:03:24,622 show you some videos I made on employee procedure, 91 00:03:24,664 --> 00:03:27,959 you know, see some of my home videos. 92 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:31,129 Hey, You been doing real nice work lately, 93 00:03:31,170 --> 00:03:33,297 Sweetie. 94 00:03:33,339 --> 00:03:35,133 Real nice work. 95 00:03:35,174 --> 00:03:37,385 [discordant music] 96 00:03:37,427 --> 00:03:39,137 [whispering] 97 00:03:39,178 --> 00:03:43,057 - * La la la la la * 98 00:03:43,099 --> 00:03:45,601 * Oh oh-oh-oh * 99 00:03:45,643 --> 00:03:49,230 * La la la la la * 100 00:03:49,272 --> 00:03:52,024 * Yeah-eah-eah * 101 00:03:52,066 --> 00:03:55,027 [funky bass chords] 102 00:03:55,069 --> 00:04:01,951 * * 103 00:04:04,787 --> 00:04:07,373 * Oh yeah-eah-eah * 104 00:04:10,460 --> 00:04:13,421 - Man, fuck this shit! 105 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:20,803 - But can they make the shrimp Impossible? 106 00:04:20,845 --> 00:04:22,180 - Why? 107 00:04:22,221 --> 00:04:25,433 - No, Chris. No. 108 00:04:25,475 --> 00:04:28,269 - Bet Tom Cruise could do it. 109 00:04:28,311 --> 00:04:30,271 - I mean, I guess, but... 110 00:04:30,313 --> 00:04:31,939 - So what are you doing? 111 00:04:31,981 --> 00:04:32,982 - I don't know. 112 00:04:33,024 --> 00:04:34,734 - I've been moolested. 113 00:04:36,194 --> 00:04:37,945 Molested. Molested. 114 00:04:37,987 --> 00:04:39,197 Pfftt. 115 00:04:39,238 --> 00:04:41,240 - Like, recently? 116 00:04:41,282 --> 00:04:43,409 - Yeah, like, right now. Just now. 117 00:04:43,451 --> 00:04:44,535 Horace and me were walking down the hallway 118 00:04:44,577 --> 00:04:45,870 and he made me feel safe. 119 00:04:45,912 --> 00:04:48,456 Then he grabbed my penis and slid into the darkness 120 00:04:48,498 --> 00:04:49,874 like my thoughts during alone time. 121 00:04:49,916 --> 00:04:52,085 - Yo, that's fucked up, man. For real! 122 00:04:52,126 --> 00:04:53,628 Also, why he touch you? 123 00:04:53,669 --> 00:04:55,046 You ain't even the sexiest nigga in here, man. 124 00:04:55,088 --> 00:04:58,091 My ass be sitting like a man off work, shit. 125 00:04:59,592 --> 00:05:01,302 A nigga not gay, man, just competitive. 126 00:05:01,344 --> 00:05:02,595 Sorry for your loss, my nigga. 127 00:05:02,637 --> 00:05:05,640 - I don't know why he picked me, I don't. 128 00:05:05,681 --> 00:05:07,183 Maybe he just likes touching boys. 129 00:05:07,225 --> 00:05:09,102 - But you're not a boy. 130 00:05:09,143 --> 00:05:10,478 None of us are boys. 131 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:12,480 You're a 27-year-old man. 132 00:05:12,522 --> 00:05:13,898 - Right? You can't be molested 133 00:05:13,940 --> 00:05:16,234 if you're at the age where you can shit yourself 134 00:05:16,275 --> 00:05:17,693 because your metabolism changed 135 00:05:17,735 --> 00:05:19,904 and you had a White Russian for the first time. 136 00:05:19,946 --> 00:05:21,531 - The point is I got touched! 137 00:05:21,572 --> 00:05:23,241 - Bro, this is wild. 138 00:05:23,282 --> 00:05:25,326 - This is wild. God. 139 00:05:25,368 --> 00:05:27,578 Horace did a horrific thing. 140 00:05:27,620 --> 00:05:29,705 We need to take this to our superiors. 141 00:05:29,747 --> 00:05:32,250 - Oh. You think I should tell? 142 00:05:32,291 --> 00:05:34,836 - No, no, no, no. 143 00:05:34,877 --> 00:05:37,630 I'm saying weshould tell. 144 00:05:37,672 --> 00:05:39,549 - Why is this suddenly a "we" thing? 145 00:05:39,590 --> 00:05:40,758 - Yeah. 146 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:41,843 I think the thing I need right now is-- 147 00:05:41,884 --> 00:05:44,595 - What you need is to use this. 148 00:05:44,637 --> 00:05:46,472 I mean this is--this is-- Jak getting touched 149 00:05:46,514 --> 00:05:48,808 is the perfect opportunity for all of us. 150 00:05:48,850 --> 00:05:50,601 I mean, think about it. You want a floor job, right? 151 00:05:50,643 --> 00:05:52,270 Well, I happen to know that this company 152 00:05:52,311 --> 00:05:56,232 has a clear no-tolerance stance on sexual harassment. 153 00:05:56,274 --> 00:05:59,569 And, as the functionary leader of this group... 154 00:05:59,610 --> 00:06:00,903 - Function this dick. 155 00:06:00,945 --> 00:06:02,697 - Ha ha. Oh, damn, that was a good one. 156 00:06:02,739 --> 00:06:04,073 You beat me to that shit. 157 00:06:04,115 --> 00:06:06,617 - This is the perfect opportunity 158 00:06:06,659 --> 00:06:08,536 for me to remind them. 159 00:06:08,578 --> 00:06:10,913 - Look, bro, the situation is fucked up. 160 00:06:10,955 --> 00:06:12,623 And it's the type of garbage 161 00:06:12,665 --> 00:06:14,333 that women have to deal with daily. 162 00:06:14,375 --> 00:06:16,919 But Langston is wrong. And gay. 163 00:06:16,961 --> 00:06:19,338 You can't tell anybody. Ever. 164 00:06:19,380 --> 00:06:20,798 I mean, think about it. 165 00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:22,258 What kind of woman wants a man 166 00:06:22,300 --> 00:06:23,468 with that type of baggage? 167 00:06:23,509 --> 00:06:26,137 Having to wake up at 3 a.m. to comfort you 168 00:06:26,179 --> 00:06:28,097 on the kitchen floor-- it's gross. 169 00:06:28,139 --> 00:06:30,349 - Okay, Sam, just rub the boy's back. 170 00:06:30,391 --> 00:06:32,185 - I knew I was a boy. Sam... 171 00:06:33,519 --> 00:06:34,812 I don't want to be like this. 172 00:06:34,854 --> 00:06:36,939 - I don't want you to be like that. 173 00:06:36,981 --> 00:06:38,816 But ain't no one gonna care about a grown man 174 00:06:38,858 --> 00:06:40,651 who got touched and didn't fight back. 175 00:06:40,693 --> 00:06:42,987 - Okay, but it's this type of logic 176 00:06:43,029 --> 00:06:45,656 that makes men toxic and repressed. 177 00:06:45,698 --> 00:06:47,450 We need to put our faith in the system. 178 00:06:47,492 --> 00:06:49,368 - Bitch, what system? 179 00:06:49,410 --> 00:06:50,745 At least four times a day, 180 00:06:50,787 --> 00:06:53,164 a nigga "accidentally" brushes up against my ass, 181 00:06:53,206 --> 00:06:54,499 and I dress like Rev Run. 182 00:06:54,540 --> 00:06:55,958 - Well, a older lady touched me 183 00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:58,336 when I was just a boy, and I was not too bummed out, 184 00:06:58,378 --> 00:07:00,338 to say the least. 185 00:07:00,380 --> 00:07:02,507 - I'm sorry, what? 186 00:07:02,548 --> 00:07:06,094 - Oh, the year was 1997. 187 00:07:06,135 --> 00:07:08,554 Scientists had just cloned a sheep, 188 00:07:08,596 --> 00:07:11,349 and Pamela Anderson only had one kind of hepatitis. 189 00:07:11,391 --> 00:07:12,600 The first one. 190 00:07:12,642 --> 00:07:16,187 - Ooh, that's my song! 191 00:07:16,229 --> 00:07:19,315 Chris, show Mommy's friends that little dance you be doing. 192 00:07:19,357 --> 00:07:21,484 [Master P's "Make 'Em Say Ugh] 193 00:07:21,526 --> 00:07:23,528 - Ooh--ooh, ooh! 194 00:07:23,569 --> 00:07:24,904 - He can dance his little ass off. 195 00:07:24,946 --> 00:07:27,698 - Yes, honey, he most certainly can. 196 00:07:27,740 --> 00:07:29,158 - All right, now, baby. 197 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:30,660 Me and your Aunt Monica gotta go to return 198 00:07:30,701 --> 00:07:32,703 some JNCO jeans she stole from the mall. 199 00:07:32,745 --> 00:07:35,498 Patrice, a dear friend who I trust endlessly, 200 00:07:35,540 --> 00:07:36,874 is gonna look after you. 201 00:07:36,916 --> 00:07:38,376 You're a wonderful son 202 00:07:38,418 --> 00:07:41,504 and the greatest dancer to have ever lived in 1997. 203 00:07:41,546 --> 00:07:44,882 Which is today. We're in 1997. 204 00:07:44,924 --> 00:07:47,009 - You're bad at telling stories. 205 00:07:47,051 --> 00:07:48,886 - Shut up, nigga. I know my past. 206 00:07:48,928 --> 00:07:51,347 Anyway, as soon as my mom was gone, 207 00:07:51,389 --> 00:07:53,683 Patrice came and sat next to me. 208 00:07:53,725 --> 00:07:55,768 And just as soon as that gorilla dunked 209 00:07:55,810 --> 00:07:58,229 from the free-throw line... [chuckling] 210 00:07:58,271 --> 00:08:00,732 Patrice put her hand on my thigh. 211 00:08:01,607 --> 00:08:06,320 Her head went down, and she made me say unhh. 212 00:08:06,362 --> 00:08:09,240 Nuh nah, nuh nah. [laughs] 213 00:08:09,282 --> 00:08:10,700 You feel me? 214 00:08:10,742 --> 00:08:12,618 Mm. Right on my Master P. 215 00:08:12,660 --> 00:08:15,246 - Disgusting. - Dude, that's fucked up. 216 00:08:15,288 --> 00:08:17,582 - Yeah, bro, you were a victim for sure. 217 00:08:17,623 --> 00:08:19,417 No--hell no, I was not. 218 00:08:19,459 --> 00:08:22,378 You're not molested unless you feel molested. 219 00:08:22,420 --> 00:08:24,672 I had some fruit snacks in a treat right afterwards. 220 00:08:24,714 --> 00:08:25,923 [clicks tongue] I'm good. 221 00:08:25,965 --> 00:08:28,134 - This honestly explains so much. 222 00:08:28,176 --> 00:08:29,093 - Like what? 223 00:08:29,135 --> 00:08:30,595 - Your struggle with commitment. 224 00:08:30,636 --> 00:08:31,763 - Never love these hos. 225 00:08:31,804 --> 00:08:33,389 - Your obsession with '90s lingo. 226 00:08:33,431 --> 00:08:35,016 - Welcome to the '96 Olympics. 227 00:08:35,058 --> 00:08:36,225 - And your inability to get hard 228 00:08:36,267 --> 00:08:38,394 without a hat on. - What? Eeeoo-- 229 00:08:38,436 --> 00:08:39,812 - No, please don't. 230 00:08:39,854 --> 00:08:41,481 - Eeeooo. See, it's 'cause you know 231 00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:42,815 I'm gonna get hard. 232 00:08:42,857 --> 00:08:44,734 I think y'all niggas don't get it, 233 00:08:44,776 --> 00:08:46,069 that's the problem. So I'm gonna go talk 234 00:08:46,110 --> 00:08:47,445 to some people that will get it. 235 00:08:47,487 --> 00:08:48,613 The valet guys. 236 00:08:48,654 --> 00:08:49,947 - Chris, don't do this. 237 00:08:49,989 --> 00:08:51,282 - Yeah, Chris, it's not gonna go-- 238 00:08:51,324 --> 00:08:53,242 - Da, da, da, da. You had your chance. 239 00:08:53,284 --> 00:08:55,787 Now I'm gonna take this story to somebody 240 00:08:55,828 --> 00:08:58,039 who gonna give it the respect it deserves. 241 00:08:58,081 --> 00:08:59,916 [scoffs] Talking to three niggas ain't never got 242 00:08:59,957 --> 00:09:01,834 they dick sucked-- that's crazy. 243 00:09:03,252 --> 00:09:05,380 - See, this is what I'm talking about. 244 00:09:05,421 --> 00:09:08,174 This is why Jak needs to tell someone. 245 00:09:08,216 --> 00:09:09,258 - Brah. Come on, bro. Don't start that shit again. 246 00:09:09,300 --> 00:09:10,802 He's not doing it. - No, he-- Look. 247 00:09:10,843 --> 00:09:14,013 Cuba Gooding Jr. spent years getting called "white-washed," 248 00:09:14,055 --> 00:09:16,182 and now he yells at white women 249 00:09:16,224 --> 00:09:18,226 with a chicken bucket on his head. 250 00:09:18,267 --> 00:09:22,021 Hurt people hurt people. It's like a zombie bite. 251 00:09:22,063 --> 00:09:23,481 - Hurt people hurt people. 252 00:09:23,523 --> 00:09:25,400 [discordant piano music] 253 00:09:25,441 --> 00:09:27,568 Hurt people hurt people. 254 00:09:27,610 --> 00:09:29,445 I don't want to hurt anybody. 255 00:09:29,487 --> 00:09:32,281 - [gibbering] [laughs] 256 00:09:32,323 --> 00:09:33,449 I'm just playing, man. 257 00:09:33,491 --> 00:09:34,867 Hey, y'all remember, 258 00:09:34,909 --> 00:09:37,620 I'm gonna see y'all at my birthday party on Monday. 259 00:09:37,662 --> 00:09:40,039 Come on. Choo choo! 260 00:09:40,081 --> 00:09:43,209 - Come on. Now he's just showboatin'. 261 00:09:43,251 --> 00:09:45,712 - [whimpering] 262 00:09:49,424 --> 00:09:50,425 - So, I was a child, right? But I was, like, 263 00:09:50,466 --> 00:09:51,801 a buff-ass child. 264 00:09:51,843 --> 00:09:53,094 Like, grown folks walked up to me all the time, like, 265 00:09:53,136 --> 00:09:55,596 damn, you are clearly a fully-grown adult man 266 00:09:55,638 --> 00:09:56,931 who owns a lawnmower, 267 00:09:56,973 --> 00:09:58,516 pays full price for movie tickets, 268 00:09:58,558 --> 00:10:00,852 and got a mortgage, chores and whatnot. 269 00:10:00,893 --> 00:10:02,186 - Hm. Yeah. 270 00:10:02,228 --> 00:10:03,563 Listen, can you bring my car around? 271 00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:05,898 Again, it was the silver Honda Odyssey. 272 00:10:05,940 --> 00:10:07,358 - Oh, yeah, for sure. - Thank you. 273 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,819 - I don't think you understand how strong a nigga was. 274 00:10:09,861 --> 00:10:11,028 Imagine me in a diaper right now. 275 00:10:11,070 --> 00:10:12,321 - What-- - Look at that. 276 00:10:12,363 --> 00:10:13,614 Is it off the ground? - What? 277 00:10:13,656 --> 00:10:14,741 - Is it off the ground? 278 00:10:14,782 --> 00:10:16,284 - Maybe like a tiny bit on that side. 279 00:10:16,325 --> 00:10:17,744 - Oh, nigga, come on. Don't lie to me. 280 00:10:17,785 --> 00:10:19,537 - It's barely off the ground. - That shit's hovering. 281 00:10:19,579 --> 00:10:21,080 I mean, she sucked my dick so hard 282 00:10:21,122 --> 00:10:23,249 I thought my toes switched places, man. I-- 283 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:28,921 - Chris, like I said, you are loved. 284 00:10:28,963 --> 00:10:31,507 And what happened to you is very, very sad. 285 00:10:33,051 --> 00:10:34,385 - What? 286 00:10:34,427 --> 00:10:36,095 [scoffs] 287 00:10:41,893 --> 00:10:44,896 ["Make me say Ugh" plays] 288 00:10:44,937 --> 00:10:49,067 * * 289 00:10:49,108 --> 00:10:50,985 - Make me say unhh. 290 00:10:51,027 --> 00:10:52,570 - There you are! 291 00:10:52,612 --> 00:10:56,115 Please, just give me the keys and tell me where my car is. 292 00:10:56,157 --> 00:10:58,493 - Nuh nah, nuh nah! 293 00:10:58,534 --> 00:10:59,744 - What? 294 00:10:59,786 --> 00:11:03,289 - I said nah, nigga, nah! 295 00:11:03,331 --> 00:11:05,083 Nah! 296 00:11:05,124 --> 00:11:07,543 - In conclusion, Chauncey, 297 00:11:07,585 --> 00:11:10,338 my client requires a provisional remedy 298 00:11:10,380 --> 00:11:13,091 for the damage acted against him 299 00:11:13,132 --> 00:11:15,802 by his overseeing employer. 300 00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:17,845 Malfeasance. 301 00:11:17,887 --> 00:11:20,139 - So somebody brushed up against you 302 00:11:20,181 --> 00:11:22,058 at the vending machine? - Nah, not me. 303 00:11:22,100 --> 00:11:24,435 - I'm the infected one, sir. 304 00:11:24,477 --> 00:11:27,063 - Well, nigga, you the one that got touched? 305 00:11:27,105 --> 00:11:28,314 - Yes. 306 00:11:28,356 --> 00:11:30,900 - So you let a grown man grab your dick, 307 00:11:30,942 --> 00:11:34,779 and you, as a grown man, came to report that grown man 308 00:11:34,821 --> 00:11:36,864 to another grown man. 309 00:11:36,906 --> 00:11:40,034 - Uh, I prayed on it first, but yes. 310 00:11:40,076 --> 00:11:42,120 - Well, wait a minute. Objection! 311 00:11:42,161 --> 00:11:46,165 My nigga--my client will not be victim-shamed 312 00:11:46,207 --> 00:11:47,542 in this court. 313 00:11:47,583 --> 00:11:49,043 - [scoffs] I would have believed 314 00:11:49,085 --> 00:11:50,712 y'all said the girl got touched. 315 00:11:50,753 --> 00:11:53,131 See, she a stud but she still got some jiggle 316 00:11:53,172 --> 00:11:54,090 under there. 317 00:11:54,132 --> 00:11:55,758 - True. 318 00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:57,593 - This shit right here is just flat out embarrassing. 319 00:11:57,635 --> 00:12:00,179 - Well, embarrassing as it may be, 320 00:12:00,221 --> 00:12:01,764 I believe section 3, article-- 321 00:12:01,806 --> 00:12:04,016 - Fuck section 3, nigga. Why you ain't beat his ass? 322 00:12:04,058 --> 00:12:07,520 - No, no, it doesn't matter why he didn't beat his ass. 323 00:12:07,562 --> 00:12:09,230 Okay? There has to be something 324 00:12:09,272 --> 00:12:11,107 you can do to resolve this. - Hold on, nigga, 325 00:12:11,149 --> 00:12:13,526 let me break something down for you, Serpico. 326 00:12:13,568 --> 00:12:14,652 Okay? 327 00:12:14,694 --> 00:12:16,028 Today's Friday, nigga. 328 00:12:16,070 --> 00:12:17,530 So I ain't gonna get to the paperwork on this shit 329 00:12:17,572 --> 00:12:19,490 till next week, and next week 330 00:12:19,532 --> 00:12:21,367 they got new episodes of "The Masked Singer." 331 00:12:21,409 --> 00:12:24,328 I think Alphonso Ribeiro is the walrus. 332 00:12:24,370 --> 00:12:26,497 But anyway, you niggas ain't got no evidence 333 00:12:26,539 --> 00:12:28,499 but the frailty in this nigga's eyes right here. 334 00:12:28,541 --> 00:12:31,210 So that mean that a motherfucking investigation 335 00:12:31,252 --> 00:12:32,628 might not start for three or four months, 336 00:12:32,670 --> 00:12:35,173 and by then we been done forgot about this shit. 337 00:12:35,214 --> 00:12:36,549 So we need to quit wasting each other's time 338 00:12:36,591 --> 00:12:38,217 and y'all need to step the fuck out my office 339 00:12:38,259 --> 00:12:39,927 so I can leave before I'm supposed to. 340 00:12:39,969 --> 00:12:41,929 - You know what, thank you. 341 00:12:41,971 --> 00:12:44,348 This has been an absolute treat. 342 00:12:44,390 --> 00:12:46,601 I cannot wait to do this again. 343 00:12:46,642 --> 00:12:49,353 - Well, I haven't enjoyed this at all! 344 00:12:49,395 --> 00:12:52,190 And I think the walrus is Brandon T. Jackson. 345 00:12:52,231 --> 00:12:53,941 - Told you. - Brandon T. Jackson. 346 00:12:53,983 --> 00:12:55,026 Who the fuck is Brandon T-- 347 00:12:55,068 --> 00:12:56,903 - You know Brandon T. Jackson! 348 00:12:56,944 --> 00:12:59,363 Don't you dare pretend not to know his work! 349 00:12:59,405 --> 00:13:00,448 - Oh, God damn Brandon T. Jackson. 350 00:13:00,490 --> 00:13:02,075 Nigga, I know Joseph Jackson! 351 00:13:02,116 --> 00:13:03,785 Fuck your ass up in this bitch. 352 00:13:03,826 --> 00:13:06,662 Tito Jackson, motherfucker. [door closes] 353 00:13:06,704 --> 00:13:09,040 - Okay, I have an announcement to make. 354 00:13:09,082 --> 00:13:10,708 After some deep soul-searching, 355 00:13:10,750 --> 00:13:13,878 I've come to the realization that I have been molested. 356 00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:15,546 Mm. Bummer. 357 00:13:15,588 --> 00:13:18,216 But what it also means is I have my hook. 358 00:13:18,257 --> 00:13:19,926 Now don't go posting yet, okay? 359 00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:21,761 I gotta figure out how to roll this thing out. 360 00:13:21,803 --> 00:13:24,097 - Good. Now you can tell your mama 361 00:13:24,138 --> 00:13:26,057 so she can beat that nasty bitch's ass. 362 00:13:26,099 --> 00:13:27,350 - But for what? 363 00:13:27,392 --> 00:13:28,726 What happened to me doesn't make me a victim. 364 00:13:28,768 --> 00:13:30,937 In fact, it makes me quite the opposite. 365 00:13:30,978 --> 00:13:32,814 - It makes you a tool. 366 00:13:32,855 --> 00:13:34,065 - I'll smack you dark-skinned. 367 00:13:34,107 --> 00:13:35,191 - No, no, no, don't smack me. 368 00:13:35,233 --> 00:13:36,776 What I'm saying is, 369 00:13:36,818 --> 00:13:39,320 we can use your story 370 00:13:39,362 --> 00:13:41,989 to finally bring light to these issues 371 00:13:42,031 --> 00:13:43,866 and prove Chauncey wrong. 372 00:13:43,908 --> 00:13:45,952 - Ah, so you're saying we should make a video. 373 00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:47,370 - No, that's not what I'm saying. 374 00:13:47,412 --> 00:13:49,080 - But to make a video, we have to have a spokesman. 375 00:13:49,122 --> 00:13:51,499 Someone Black, strong, sexy, swole. 376 00:13:51,541 --> 00:13:53,292 Probably got they dick sucked after little league, 377 00:13:53,334 --> 00:13:54,544 practice and the game. 378 00:13:54,585 --> 00:13:57,088 But where would we find such a man? 379 00:13:57,130 --> 00:13:59,132 With such detail as I just described-- 380 00:13:59,173 --> 00:14:00,425 - Chris. - Where would we find 381 00:14:00,466 --> 00:14:02,927 this guy? Hmm? - Chris. Chris. 382 00:14:02,969 --> 00:14:04,637 What about you? 383 00:14:04,679 --> 00:14:06,013 - [gasps] Me? 384 00:14:06,055 --> 00:14:07,265 What a surprise. 385 00:14:07,306 --> 00:14:08,975 I accept your nomination. 386 00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:10,351 I'll be like DeRay McKesson 387 00:14:10,393 --> 00:14:12,270 with the Black Lives Matter movement. 388 00:14:12,311 --> 00:14:14,313 - That movement was actually started 389 00:14:14,355 --> 00:14:16,023 by Black women. 390 00:14:16,065 --> 00:14:17,984 - What did Black men do then? 391 00:14:18,025 --> 00:14:19,318 - Re-tweet sometimes? 392 00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:20,653 - Oh, we gotta do more than that. 393 00:14:20,695 --> 00:14:22,572 We'll tweet first, then we'll retweet our tweet. 394 00:14:22,613 --> 00:14:24,699 - Mm-hmm, okay. I like that. 395 00:14:24,741 --> 00:14:26,200 But remember, I'm gonna be the boss 396 00:14:26,242 --> 00:14:28,536 so we can't be doing all that cussing. 397 00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:32,665 - I should have socked him, huh? 398 00:14:32,707 --> 00:14:35,960 - Yeah. But you didn't. 399 00:14:36,002 --> 00:14:37,920 Now there's only one thing left you can do. 400 00:14:37,962 --> 00:14:39,213 - Hmm? 401 00:14:39,255 --> 00:14:40,923 - [scoffs] Get real fucked up. 402 00:14:43,009 --> 00:14:44,177 - Brah. 403 00:14:48,973 --> 00:14:50,058 - Sam. 404 00:14:50,099 --> 00:14:51,059 Sam! 405 00:14:51,100 --> 00:14:52,185 [yells] Sam! 406 00:14:52,226 --> 00:14:53,686 - Hands! That's not where hands go! 407 00:14:53,728 --> 00:14:57,648 - Jesus fucking Christ, why are you yelling, Nina? 408 00:14:57,690 --> 00:14:59,942 - You said at least once a week you would try 409 00:14:59,984 --> 00:15:01,069 that aerobics class. 410 00:15:01,110 --> 00:15:02,487 - I be saying shit all the time. 411 00:15:02,528 --> 00:15:04,197 Like, I'll mount the TV on the wall. 412 00:15:04,238 --> 00:15:05,948 Where is it now? 413 00:15:05,990 --> 00:15:07,033 - Sitting on some Reebok boxes. 414 00:15:07,075 --> 00:15:08,326 - Exactly. 415 00:15:08,367 --> 00:15:11,079 So why do you have expectations? 416 00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:12,538 - Oh, thank God. 417 00:15:12,580 --> 00:15:15,291 - You got homeless ass Jak laying on my clean couch 418 00:15:15,333 --> 00:15:16,417 knowing he be peeing in the bed. 419 00:15:16,459 --> 00:15:18,503 - Oh, my God, for the last time Nina, 420 00:15:18,544 --> 00:15:20,088 I didn't pee in the bed that night. 421 00:15:20,129 --> 00:15:21,297 I was out in the streets 422 00:15:21,339 --> 00:15:23,424 and peed on myself, then went to bed. 423 00:15:23,466 --> 00:15:24,884 Just 'cause you weren't around for the conception 424 00:15:24,926 --> 00:15:26,636 of the pee pee doesn't mean you can judge. 425 00:15:26,677 --> 00:15:28,888 - No, okay, I'm not debating pee pee. 426 00:15:28,930 --> 00:15:31,349 Sam, get up. - All right, all right. 427 00:15:31,391 --> 00:15:32,350 - Get up. - Okay. 428 00:15:32,392 --> 00:15:33,726 - Get up! - Jeez. 429 00:15:33,768 --> 00:15:34,894 - You're lazy. 430 00:15:34,936 --> 00:15:35,853 - What is wrong with you? You're too fine 431 00:15:35,895 --> 00:15:36,938 to be so mean. 432 00:15:36,979 --> 00:15:38,022 Come on, like, babe you're too pretty 433 00:15:38,064 --> 00:15:39,524 to be yelling like that. - Uh-uh. 434 00:15:39,565 --> 00:15:41,526 Where were you two at last night? 435 00:15:41,567 --> 00:15:43,277 - The bar, trying to cheer Jak up. 436 00:15:43,319 --> 00:15:44,695 - Why, what happened? 437 00:15:44,737 --> 00:15:46,072 - Uh... 438 00:15:46,114 --> 00:15:47,198 - The boss pulled him aside 439 00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:48,491 and gave him a little tug on his junk. 440 00:15:48,533 --> 00:15:50,451 Langston said we had to snitch. Didn't work. 441 00:15:50,493 --> 00:15:53,079 Anyways, I got him drunk and made him forget things. 442 00:15:53,121 --> 00:15:54,664 You know O'Brien's has a patio now? 443 00:15:54,705 --> 00:15:56,416 - You said he was touched at work? 444 00:15:56,457 --> 00:15:58,209 That is insanely inappropriate. 445 00:15:58,251 --> 00:15:59,585 - Yeah, but I fixed it. 446 00:15:59,627 --> 00:16:03,089 He was doing snow angels on the pool table by 2 a.m. 447 00:16:03,131 --> 00:16:04,799 He's fine. 448 00:16:04,841 --> 00:16:06,551 - I keep rethinking it, and I just wish I had just-- 449 00:16:06,592 --> 00:16:08,469 - You should have socked the nigga. 450 00:16:08,511 --> 00:16:09,721 - And lose his job? 451 00:16:09,762 --> 00:16:10,805 - I'm not even sure Jak works there. 452 00:16:10,847 --> 00:16:11,848 He just eats other people's lunches 453 00:16:11,889 --> 00:16:12,932 out of the fridge. - [retches] 454 00:16:12,974 --> 00:16:14,267 Hold on, hold on. I'll be right back. 455 00:16:14,308 --> 00:16:16,477 Be right back. - Nasty nigga. 456 00:16:16,519 --> 00:16:18,563 You know, the same thing happened to my friend Ronda. 457 00:16:18,604 --> 00:16:20,648 - Your friend? You hate Ronda. 458 00:16:20,690 --> 00:16:22,150 Just the other day, you said you hope 459 00:16:22,191 --> 00:16:24,485 her Scion slides into a lake with the door slammed shut. 460 00:16:24,527 --> 00:16:26,904 You gave specifics. - It don't matter. 461 00:16:26,946 --> 00:16:30,199 Anyway, one time on a work retreat in Toronto, 462 00:16:30,241 --> 00:16:33,828 her team leader invited her up to do a quick download, right? 463 00:16:33,870 --> 00:16:35,580 Which meant drinks where he ran his hand 464 00:16:35,621 --> 00:16:36,581 up her goddamn leg. 465 00:16:36,622 --> 00:16:38,249 - No! - Yeah! 466 00:16:38,291 --> 00:16:41,544 Now, I don't see how he ain't bleed out 467 00:16:41,586 --> 00:16:43,588 from the splinters on her prickly sea urchin legs, 468 00:16:43,629 --> 00:16:44,964 but-- - There it is. 469 00:16:46,716 --> 00:16:47,800 - Fu-- 470 00:16:49,635 --> 00:16:52,472 - But, it was an abuse of power nonetheless. 471 00:16:52,513 --> 00:16:54,599 It totally fucked up her work and personal life. 472 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,350 It's like a lingering sickness for her. 473 00:16:56,392 --> 00:16:57,935 - Mm. Is that right? 474 00:16:58,311 --> 00:16:59,645 - Sickness? 475 00:16:59,687 --> 00:17:01,814 - You know, she had to go to special therapy 476 00:17:01,856 --> 00:17:04,108 where they use gardening for healing. 477 00:17:04,150 --> 00:17:06,027 Jak needs therapy too. 478 00:17:06,069 --> 00:17:08,488 - All therapy does is give false solutions. 479 00:17:08,529 --> 00:17:10,448 "Oh, my daddy did this, my daddy did that." 480 00:17:10,490 --> 00:17:11,866 Everybody's daddy did something. 481 00:17:11,908 --> 00:17:13,367 You don't need a white bitch in a scarf 482 00:17:13,409 --> 00:17:14,285 drinking Earl Gray tea to tell you 483 00:17:14,327 --> 00:17:15,703 that the world is trash. 484 00:17:15,745 --> 00:17:18,623 - It's not that simple. It's psychological trauma. 485 00:17:18,664 --> 00:17:20,458 - Here you go, Iyanla Vanzant'n again. 486 00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:21,626 - I love her. - I do too, though. 487 00:17:21,667 --> 00:17:23,961 - Yeah, right? - She is dope. 488 00:17:24,003 --> 00:17:25,254 But, like, everything doesn't have to be 489 00:17:25,296 --> 00:17:26,631 that dramatic. 490 00:17:26,672 --> 00:17:28,758 People love to make false equivalencies. 491 00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:30,635 Sometimes you unpack and it's just bullshit. 492 00:17:30,676 --> 00:17:32,762 - Yeah, but you don't unpack anything. 493 00:17:32,804 --> 00:17:33,971 You just boxed up his trauma 494 00:17:34,013 --> 00:17:35,515 and poured Hennessy on top of it. 495 00:17:35,556 --> 00:17:38,476 - Because everything doesn't need to be unpacked. 496 00:17:38,518 --> 00:17:40,186 Like homophobes. They think we're gay 497 00:17:40,228 --> 00:17:42,772 because our uncles touched us at a party or something. 498 00:17:42,814 --> 00:17:44,607 That's not the case. Neither one of us was molested. 499 00:17:44,649 --> 00:17:45,900 We're just gay. - That's true. 500 00:17:45,942 --> 00:17:48,319 - I popped out the pussy wanting pussy, the end! 501 00:17:48,361 --> 00:17:50,905 - All this nigga philosophy 502 00:17:50,947 --> 00:17:52,490 isn't gonna keep you from working out. 503 00:17:52,532 --> 00:17:53,950 - Look at you, caring about 504 00:17:53,991 --> 00:17:55,701 my statistical chances of high blood pressure. 505 00:17:55,743 --> 00:17:57,245 - And with the way you eat after 10 p.m., 506 00:17:57,286 --> 00:17:59,997 it's almost a certainty, boo. - Oh, well. Give me sugar. 507 00:18:00,039 --> 00:18:03,710 [echoing voice] - Hurt people hurt people. 508 00:18:03,751 --> 00:18:05,378 It's like a zombie bite. 509 00:18:05,420 --> 00:18:06,796 - Brah. 510 00:18:06,838 --> 00:18:08,881 - It's like a lingering sickness. 511 00:18:08,923 --> 00:18:10,425 [overlapping voices, eerie music] 512 00:18:10,466 --> 00:18:12,218 - God. 513 00:18:12,260 --> 00:18:13,720 [eerie laughter] 514 00:18:13,761 --> 00:18:16,013 [music escalates] 515 00:18:16,055 --> 00:18:18,683 No! No! No! No! No! No! 516 00:18:18,725 --> 00:18:22,019 You sink has men in there. Men! 517 00:18:25,648 --> 00:18:27,108 - The biggest problem 518 00:18:27,150 --> 00:18:29,110 with the phrase "sexual assault" 519 00:18:29,152 --> 00:18:31,446 is it makes you feel all yucky, 520 00:18:31,487 --> 00:18:33,448 like when you found out why "Martin" ended. 521 00:18:33,489 --> 00:18:36,200 - Oh. Yeah. 522 00:18:36,242 --> 00:18:37,869 - So what we need to do is find a way 523 00:18:37,910 --> 00:18:40,580 to take the "sault" out of "sexual assault." 524 00:18:40,621 --> 00:18:42,123 - Hmm. 525 00:18:42,165 --> 00:18:44,751 So you just want it to be "sexual ass" then? 526 00:18:44,792 --> 00:18:47,336 - Ooh, that is good. Write that down. 527 00:18:47,378 --> 00:18:50,423 - Look, Chris, I don't care how we do it, 528 00:18:50,465 --> 00:18:53,634 I just feel like we need to do everything we can 529 00:18:53,676 --> 00:18:54,969 to help Black men. 530 00:18:55,011 --> 00:18:57,430 - Damn, Langston, that's beautiful. 531 00:18:57,472 --> 00:18:59,766 - Then I can get my vengeance on Chauncey, 532 00:18:59,807 --> 00:19:02,477 that greasy-lipped moon cricket. 533 00:19:02,518 --> 00:19:05,354 - Yo. 534 00:19:05,396 --> 00:19:07,607 Chill. 535 00:19:07,648 --> 00:19:09,484 [creepy laughter] 536 00:19:09,525 --> 00:19:12,820 - You've been doing great work, sweetie! 537 00:19:12,862 --> 00:19:16,491 [indistinct muttering] 538 00:19:16,532 --> 00:19:18,910 - Who tied you up? 539 00:19:20,703 --> 00:19:22,830 - Uh, Jak. 540 00:19:22,872 --> 00:19:24,791 - What you talking about, bro? 541 00:19:26,292 --> 00:19:29,337 - Uh, I'm infected. 542 00:19:29,379 --> 00:19:31,631 Like Nina's coworker. 543 00:19:31,672 --> 00:19:33,591 Langston said hurt people hurt people. 544 00:19:33,633 --> 00:19:34,884 I don't-- 545 00:19:34,926 --> 00:19:37,470 I don't want to pass along this sickness. 546 00:19:37,512 --> 00:19:40,056 I did what any good person or werewolf 547 00:19:40,098 --> 00:19:41,265 would do in this situation. 548 00:19:41,307 --> 00:19:44,227 - See, now, a normal man would be confused 549 00:19:44,268 --> 00:19:46,604 by every single word coming out of your mouth right now. 550 00:19:46,646 --> 00:19:49,524 But me? Nah, I'm prepared. 551 00:19:49,565 --> 00:19:50,858 - Mm-hmm. Chris is right. 552 00:19:50,900 --> 00:19:51,859 Chris is right. Look at me. 553 00:19:51,901 --> 00:19:54,153 Hey, we're gonna take care of this. 554 00:19:54,195 --> 00:19:55,279 Okay? 555 00:19:55,321 --> 00:19:58,116 Chauncey is never gonna hurt you again. 556 00:19:58,157 --> 00:20:00,326 - It was Horace that touched me. 557 00:20:00,368 --> 00:20:02,370 - Mm-hmm. Exactly. 558 00:20:02,412 --> 00:20:03,371 - Huh? 559 00:20:03,413 --> 00:20:04,414 - We got you, big dog. 560 00:20:04,455 --> 00:20:07,083 - We got you. - Yeah. Gotcha, guy. 561 00:20:07,917 --> 00:20:09,377 - Y'all always keep telling me what y'all want, 562 00:20:09,419 --> 00:20:10,753 but no one wants to listen to what I need. 563 00:20:10,795 --> 00:20:12,130 I feel like Odell Beckham. 564 00:20:12,171 --> 00:20:14,006 Everyone just keeps projecting their shit on me. 565 00:20:16,217 --> 00:20:17,301 - Here. 566 00:20:20,763 --> 00:20:22,765 - What do you want me to do with this? 567 00:20:22,807 --> 00:20:24,726 - Look, my nigga, you're obviously going 568 00:20:24,767 --> 00:20:26,060 through some shit. 569 00:20:26,102 --> 00:20:28,730 And as a woman, I've been in similar situations. 570 00:20:28,771 --> 00:20:30,148 But Nina told me that people use plants 571 00:20:30,189 --> 00:20:32,650 as therapy, so, I don't know. 572 00:20:32,692 --> 00:20:36,195 Water it, talk to it, whatever. 573 00:20:36,237 --> 00:20:37,530 It's yours. 574 00:20:40,116 --> 00:20:42,744 - Yo. - Hmm? 575 00:20:42,785 --> 00:20:44,662 - Thanks. 576 00:20:44,704 --> 00:20:46,998 - You're welcome, man. 577 00:20:47,039 --> 00:20:50,168 [discordant piano music] 578 00:20:50,209 --> 00:20:51,878 - [barking] - Oh! 579 00:20:51,919 --> 00:20:53,296 - Ohh! 580 00:20:53,337 --> 00:20:56,799 - Well, I bought a big piece of land 581 00:20:56,841 --> 00:20:58,259 up in Muskegon, so I'm gonna let 582 00:20:58,301 --> 00:21:00,470 all my ferrets out and see what happens. 583 00:21:00,511 --> 00:21:02,889 Find out who's the most loyal, you know? 584 00:21:02,930 --> 00:21:04,098 - Enough of that shit. 585 00:21:04,140 --> 00:21:06,017 No one cares you're 53 with ferrets. 586 00:21:06,059 --> 00:21:09,270 I have something un-ferret-related to say. 587 00:21:09,312 --> 00:21:11,564 Male molestation. What is it? 588 00:21:11,606 --> 00:21:14,609 This pamphlet don't tell you what it is. 589 00:21:14,650 --> 00:21:16,611 Mm-mm. But I will. 590 00:21:16,652 --> 00:21:18,446 Hyah! 591 00:21:18,488 --> 00:21:22,909 And just how cool it can be to get molested. 592 00:21:22,950 --> 00:21:24,786 - Nigga, please! 593 00:21:24,827 --> 00:21:26,996 For the last time, you were molested 594 00:21:27,038 --> 00:21:28,414 and it wasn't cool! 595 00:21:28,456 --> 00:21:30,166 Go see somebody, please! 596 00:21:30,208 --> 00:21:32,418 - Shut the fuck up, Rocko, and put your hat back on. 597 00:21:32,460 --> 00:21:35,505 God damn it, you won't silence me, bitch. 598 00:21:35,546 --> 00:21:37,590 Where was I? Oh! 599 00:21:37,632 --> 00:21:40,343 With my new motivational video, 600 00:21:40,385 --> 00:21:43,221 I will pick up the slack where this company has left off 601 00:21:43,262 --> 00:21:45,390 in terms of male molestation. 602 00:21:46,891 --> 00:21:50,144 - You should have taken your job more seriously, buddy. 603 00:21:50,186 --> 00:21:53,189 - I'll choke the fuck out of ya. 604 00:21:54,524 --> 00:21:57,860 - Prepare to have your eyes opened, bitches. 605 00:21:57,902 --> 00:22:01,906 * That's why I make music * 606 00:22:01,948 --> 00:22:05,284 Oh, I did see you there. 607 00:22:05,326 --> 00:22:06,619 People ask me all the time, 608 00:22:06,661 --> 00:22:10,331 "Chris, how'd you become the man you are today?" 609 00:22:10,373 --> 00:22:12,166 Well, it's because I got my dick sucked 610 00:22:12,208 --> 00:22:14,502 when I was just a boy. 611 00:22:14,544 --> 00:22:16,254 At first I didn't tell anybody about it 612 00:22:16,295 --> 00:22:18,131 'cause I thought it was pretty normal. 613 00:22:18,172 --> 00:22:20,508 Then after I got some nasty reactions, 614 00:22:20,550 --> 00:22:23,219 I realized that's just not the case. 615 00:22:23,261 --> 00:22:25,513 And look, I don't know why this happened to me. 616 00:22:25,555 --> 00:22:28,182 Maybe 'cause I was cooler than everybody else 617 00:22:28,224 --> 00:22:30,309 and probably had a bigger dick, too. 618 00:22:31,602 --> 00:22:32,645 [chuckles] 619 00:22:32,687 --> 00:22:35,356 Yeah, some things never change. 620 00:22:35,398 --> 00:22:37,442 But what needs to change is that all of us 621 00:22:37,483 --> 00:22:38,443 who were touched as boys 622 00:22:38,484 --> 00:22:42,155 realize we are unbreakable kings. 623 00:22:42,196 --> 00:22:44,657 Let's change the stigma, my enigmas. 624 00:22:44,699 --> 00:22:46,534 Let's remind the world that 625 00:22:46,576 --> 00:22:49,120 even while we're dressed up as power rangers on Halloween, 626 00:22:49,162 --> 00:22:51,873 we've still got hos. 627 00:22:51,914 --> 00:22:54,125 Adult hos. [chuckles] 628 00:22:54,167 --> 00:22:57,086 Really makes you think, huh? That's dope. 629 00:22:59,172 --> 00:23:03,509 * Adult hos adult hos * 630 00:23:03,551 --> 00:23:08,056 * I don't know how old, we just know they adult hos * 631 00:23:08,097 --> 00:23:10,266 * Adult hos * 632 00:23:10,308 --> 00:23:13,811 * Hos, hos * 633 00:23:13,853 --> 00:23:15,563 [door slams] 634 00:23:15,605 --> 00:23:17,732 - Hey! 635 00:23:17,774 --> 00:23:20,818 Heeeeeey! 636 00:23:20,860 --> 00:23:23,154 [slow motion yelling] 637 00:23:26,657 --> 00:23:29,994 [grunts] 638 00:23:30,036 --> 00:23:31,704 - Ahh! 639 00:23:31,746 --> 00:23:35,291 - [grunting] 640 00:23:35,333 --> 00:23:36,959 - Come on, man. - No! No! 641 00:23:37,001 --> 00:23:38,419 He touched my dick! 642 00:23:38,461 --> 00:23:39,921 He touched my dick, and the only way 643 00:23:39,962 --> 00:23:41,130 to stop this sickness 644 00:23:41,172 --> 00:23:43,257 is to take his booty as sacrifice. 645 00:23:43,299 --> 00:23:44,675 - Come on, man. Come on, brother. 646 00:23:44,717 --> 00:23:46,010 - Get off of me! 647 00:23:46,052 --> 00:23:47,762 - I mean, I thought he was gonna water it 648 00:23:47,804 --> 00:23:49,555 or meditate or some shit. 649 00:23:49,597 --> 00:23:53,101 - Honestly, he did the same shit to me 650 00:23:53,142 --> 00:23:54,602 in the men's bathroom. 651 00:23:54,644 --> 00:23:56,229 - What? 652 00:23:56,270 --> 00:23:58,940 - He did that to me late in the office one night. 653 00:23:58,981 --> 00:24:00,400 - Guys, come on. 654 00:24:00,441 --> 00:24:02,527 Y'all know I was just "Horacing" around. 655 00:24:02,568 --> 00:24:03,611 [laughs] 656 00:24:03,653 --> 00:24:04,779 - Nasty motherfucker. 657 00:24:04,821 --> 00:24:08,282 [muttering] 658 00:24:08,324 --> 00:24:10,326 - Well, well, well. 659 00:24:10,368 --> 00:24:12,912 Welcome to the new era, y'all. 660 00:24:12,954 --> 00:24:16,124 An era where the boys and men come together and-- 661 00:24:16,165 --> 00:24:19,085 - Hey, y'all, Horace left. 662 00:24:19,127 --> 00:24:22,338 - Shit. Well, that era ended quickly. 663 00:24:28,970 --> 00:24:31,222 - All right, y'all, listen up. 664 00:24:31,264 --> 00:24:32,807 Horace escaped. 665 00:24:32,849 --> 00:24:34,726 Now, we can't find him, 666 00:24:34,767 --> 00:24:37,145 nor are we willing to look. 667 00:24:37,186 --> 00:24:39,689 Now, security is gonna escort all the men 668 00:24:39,731 --> 00:24:43,192 down to their cars for the time being. 669 00:24:43,234 --> 00:24:45,820 - Door-to-door service. Y'all welcome, niggas. 670 00:24:45,862 --> 00:24:49,949 - Why have you never escorted the women to their cars? 671 00:24:49,991 --> 00:24:51,576 - In the meantime, 672 00:24:51,617 --> 00:24:53,578 I'll be absorbing Horace's position, 673 00:24:53,619 --> 00:24:57,123 functioning as manager and head of HR. 674 00:24:57,165 --> 00:24:58,791 - What? What? No! 675 00:24:58,833 --> 00:25:00,752 No, when? Who decided this? 676 00:25:00,793 --> 00:25:02,170 - Man, I don't know. Some rich white nigga 677 00:25:02,211 --> 00:25:04,005 that makes decisions, man. 678 00:25:04,047 --> 00:25:05,798 You best sit your tender-dick ass down 679 00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:07,842 now nigga. What the fuck wrong with you? 680 00:25:07,884 --> 00:25:09,802 [laughter] 681 00:25:09,844 --> 00:25:12,638 - His cigarette went-- - He's gonna cry. 682 00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:13,598 He's gonna cry. 683 00:25:13,639 --> 00:25:15,516 - It's not funny. - Tender-dick. 684 00:25:15,558 --> 00:25:17,685 - You're going to jail, Chauncey. 685 00:25:17,727 --> 00:25:18,644 - [laughs] 686 00:25:18,686 --> 00:25:19,687 - I still can't believe I worked 687 00:25:19,729 --> 00:25:21,522 around this many molested ass niggas. 688 00:25:21,564 --> 00:25:23,816 But today turned out to be a good day. 689 00:25:23,858 --> 00:25:25,735 And I'm glad my boy got what he needed. 690 00:25:25,777 --> 00:25:28,696 - Thanks dog. I do feel better, guys. 691 00:25:28,738 --> 00:25:30,615 Yo. Yooo! 692 00:25:30,656 --> 00:25:32,867 Chris, now you gotta find that Patrice lady 693 00:25:32,909 --> 00:25:34,869 and stick her in the butt with a bamboo dildo. 694 00:25:34,911 --> 00:25:36,454 - Mm-hmm. 695 00:25:36,496 --> 00:25:39,624 - Or leave a pile of shit on her front porch. 696 00:25:39,665 --> 00:25:41,250 - Okay. 697 00:25:41,292 --> 00:25:44,253 [funky music] 698 00:25:44,295 --> 00:25:51,427 * *