♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
NARRATOR: Previously, on a very special Clone High.
The clones resolved their differences
and achieved perfect friend-group harmony.
Literally, everyone's doing great
and Abe Lincoln even found a girlfriend.
That's all well and good for them,
but I live for the drama.
I got no tea to spill-- (GRUNTING)
Of course, as soon as I say that
I spill tea all over my lap. Ah, fuck!
I just washed these pants.
♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
-JOAN OF ARC: Hey, Abe. -Oh, hey, neighbor slash BFF.
Your hair is so freshly tousled.
Let me guess, you just got back from a date with Mary?
I know we've only been together for two weeks,
but I told her those three little words.
You did?
-I'm a virgin. -♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
I really think she's the one.
Well, as your best friend,
I need to dig a little deeper for confirmation.
I mean, would you do anything for her?
Definitely. I'd sacrifice anything.
My credit score, my dignity, my virginity.
Actually, virginity is number one on that list.
That's sweet.
But, would you hold a kitten in a bag in a river for her?
-Yes! -Would you take her to the prom
if she was only a head?
-Yes! -Would you sit with her parents
-at her beginners' improv show? -Of course.
But would you still do all that for her
if she were a sea turtle?
Shell yeah.
Wow! Your girlfriend is best friend approved!
I can already see you two becoming festies.
-Fast besties? Really? -Of course!
Is there any better foundation for a friendship
between two girls than a deep connection
-to the same guy? -Um...
I'll bring her to lunch tomorrow. You'll see.
-(BOTH MOAN, SMOOCH) -♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(GRUNTS, MOANS) -I guess, I was done with that?
-(ABE LINCOLN CHEWING) -(MARY MOANS)
(BOTH GRUNT, MOAN)
-(MOANS, CHUCKLES) -♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Baby, meet me outside to help me study for AP Foreign Tongues.
(LAUGHS)
Uh, she means French kissing. (CHUCKLES) Isn't she clever?
(LAUGHS EMPHATICALLY) I, er, uh, am totally fine
with someone else doing sexy puns! Fine with me!
(CLONES SIGH)
Hey, we need to be supportive here.
It can't be easy for Mary to jump into
a new friend group like this.
And Abe really likes her, so let's make her feel welcome.
Hold on, we don't even know this girl.
Sure, she's manic and pixie-like and Abe's absolute dream girl,
but there's gotta be more to the story.
As the new editor in chief of the school newspaper,
-it's my job to find it. -There's no story here.
We're all gonna get along with Mary
and Mary's gonna get along with us,
-and we're gonna be one big happy family. -(RECORDER BEEPS)
Why do you wanna be friends with Mary so bad, Joan?
What's your angle here? It's all about the angles, see?
And something tells me you've got more than a protractor.
Ooh, that's good. Ooh, yay, I recorded it.
Look, if we're mean to Mary that could push Abe away.
We're all finally in a good place with each other
and I just don't want things to fall apart again.
Focus up and help Mary fit in!
-(RECORDER BEEPS) -Where was she going?
There were still 15 minutes left in the lunch period.
Joan quickly realized her mistake and sat back down.
♪ ("CLONE HIGH THEME SONG" BY ABANDONED POOLS PLAYING) ♪
♪ Way, way back in the 1980s ♪
♪ Secret government employees Dug up famous guys and ladies ♪
♪ And made amusing Genetic copies ♪
♪ Then the clones as teens Were frozen ♪
♪ Thawed out decades later Why? ♪
♪ Back for reasons They’re not disclosin’ ♪
♪ Giving high school Another try ♪
♪ It’s time to watch Clone High ♪
♪ Energetic and engaging Clone High ♪
♪ Our angst is entertaining Clone High ♪
♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
(PRINCIPAL SCUDWORTH AND MR. BUTLERTON SINGING "SYMPHONY NO. 5" BY BEETHOVEN)
-Cinnamon! You idiot! -What? I'm nailing this.
I just looked at the clone manifest.
You haven't made a single new clone since 2012.
We've got extras in the freezer, remember?
Yeah, but no good ones.
You need to start harvesting new clones at once.
Look, Candide, I'll be honest.
Making clones is backbreaking work.
There's the digging up the graves,
getting into the coffins,
extracting DNA from the dead historical figures.
Filling the graves back up.
Filling the graves back up! Thank you, Mr. B.
And you gotta do all of this in the middle of the night,
which, I'm sorry, but I have a bedtime.
-Scudworth, get me new clones! -Oh, boy!
Looks like we're getting back in the saddle, Mr. B.
Yee-haw! Time to dust off
the supersecret DNA-extracting lab equipment.
-Gear me up! -♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
SCUDWORTH: Shovel! Gloves! Mud boots!
Lifting belt! Trail mix sans raisins!
Headlamp! Butt lamp! Crotch lamp!
Let's get busy-- (GRUNTS) Cramps!
-♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ -(GRUNTS)
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Hey, turds, you guys wanna do some locker room talk?
-Hell yeah! -♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(CHUCKLES) You know it, my dudes!
And I, too, can join in
now that I have a living human girlfriend.
Might not be long until I join JFK
in the "people who have made love at least once" club.
You'd be joining me in that club too, A-Train.
Wait, you're not flying Virgin Airlines, Confucius?
I leggo my virgo a couple years ago
to our chauffeur's daughter once removed.
Our chauffeur has a chauffeur and I did it with her.
Well, then I'll be in rarefied air
-with the two of you. -(GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER CLEARS THROAT)
ABE: George Washington Carver? You got your peanut shelled?
-Indeed. -♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Ditto over here. -Topher?
I'm bad at it, but I've done it.
Not a virgin, bro.
They don't call me Peenie for nothing!
-I do sex. -Wait.
So, I'm stranded on the Virgin Islands by myself?
♪ (MUSIC INTENSIFIES) ♪
-(GROANS) -♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
It's okay, buddy. It'll happen when the time is right.
And with the right person.
Or a trio of open-minded cousins.
Mary's my person, I just know it.
Besides, I don't have many other choices.
Look at this.
"We, the girls of Clone High, are not attracted to Abe."
Damn, that's a lot of signatures.
And they notarized it.
Well, I guess if Mary makes you happy, man.
-That makes us happy, man. -Oh, yeah.
We'll be supes happy for you and Mary doing the intercourse.
Thanks, guys.
-Hey, nice penis, Confucius. -Thank you.
-♪ (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(OWLS HOOTING)
(CARTOON TIPTOEING)
I told you snooping on Mary would lead
somewhere interesting.
What could she be doing in the cemetery at night?
We're not snooping, we're friend-making.
And lots of people hang in cemeteries at night.
Like for film screenings or for film screenings.
This sucks.
Frida, why did you wanna come here?
I didn't wanna come, I thought you wanted to come.
-Oh, my God. We're the worst. -I'm just gonna go say hi.
-Hey, Mary. Whazap? -♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪
You here for a film screening like us?
No.
So, what brings you to the cemetery,
if you don't mind me asking? On the record.
Just visiting loved ones.
Look how many flowers she's putting down.
Maybe she has a big family. Like, a big dead family.
There's got to be something juicy here! I'm goin' in.
-(CAMERA CLICKS) -(GASPS)
I didn't say you could take my picture.
♪ (OMINOUS MUSIC RESUMES) ♪
(GASPS) What?
Why did you do-- How did you do that?
I don't like pictures.
-♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ -No, no, no. We're sorry.
We want to be your friend. Right, guys?
I-- I mean, I'm definitely not terrified.
-Us, you, friend. -Very much friend.
We know how much Abe likes you,
and we just wanna make sure you feel comfortable around us
since we're a big part of his life.
Me, being the biggest part of his life as his best friend.
Okay. I see what this is.
Okay, good. We're getting somewhere.
You're in love with Abe.
-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪ -What?
Oh, my God. That's totally why you're doing this.
I can't believe I didn't see it!
-Yup, now it makes sense. -Joan, you tricky slut.
No, Abe and I are just friends! Nothing more, nothing less.
That's what we've always been and that's what we'll always be!
We can't be friends anymore.
-I'm sorry, Joan. -Wait, what?
Mary said it's clear that you "like me" like me.
-So, we can't hang. -♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Like, at all. -It's really obvious.
-(BOTH MOAN, SMOOCH) -(GROANS)
But I don't, like, "like you" like you.
-I'm with Confucius! -I brought pizza!
You're just my male best friend, as you have been for years!
Come on, Abe!
You know, I'm starting to think that maybe having
a girl best friend is a big reason why
I'm the only guy at school who's still a virgin.
A friend isn't what I need right now, Joan.
I need a lover.
-(GASPS) -Sorry, but this is goodbye.
♪ (SOMBER MUSIC FADES) ♪
Stupid friggin' cords! (GROANS)
♪ (SOMBER MUSIC RESUMES, CONCLUDES) ♪
I've tried calling Abe, DM'ing him, snapping at him.
I even sent a messenger pigeon.
And now, the messenger pigeon isn't even talking to me!
-(SQUAWKS) -It just talks at me.
I can't believe Mary's keeping us apart!
Why do you wanna talk to Abe so bad, Joan?
-'Cause you like him? -(RECORDER BEEPS)
-No. -Mary seems to think so.
Yeah. Well, who is Mary anyway?
She's definitely not as manic and pixie-like as we thought.
And who was she cloned from?
She's never even said her last name
and there's like a million Marys from history.
-That's a good point. -HARRIET TUBMAN: Interesting.
I don't know any Marys from history.
-(DOOR OPENING) -Oh, don't mind me.
I am definitely not here printing out
a list of nearby gravesites home to untapped historical figures.
Oh, Scudworth!
We were just wondering who Mary was cloned from.
-Mary? -Yeah.
Is she like Mary Queen of Scots,
Mary Tudor, Mary Shelley, Mary Todd Lincoln?
Oh, that would be clever, wouldn't it?
If I cloned Abe Lincoln's actual wife
and didn't tell anyone and just set her loose in the school.
Well, that makes sense.
Yeah, that's not what I did. Oh, you silly clones.
I've never cloned a Mary.
My sister's name is Mary, and she is human garbage.
And speaking of human garbage, I am off to the cemetery!
Mr. Scuddleworth never cloned a Mary?
-Who the eff is she then? -Oh, we're gonna find out.
(GASPS) Oh, my God. This is it! This is my story!
I can be the next Gayle King!
Or the next, um-- Um... There's not a lot of famous
Black female investigative reporters, are there?
-Uh, Gwen Ifill? -Oh, Gwen Ifill!
I knew that, I was just about to say Gwen Ifill.
I was about to say it!
Okay. Let's go, I can't listen to this.
(BOTH MOAN, SMOOCH)
Hey, Mare. Do you think ending my friendship
with Joan forever was maybe a bit too harsh?
I've been thinking, too, Abe.
And I think tonight is the night that I'm finally ready
to have sex with you! (LAUGHS) That is what you want, right?
Yes. Absolutely. Joan who?
Who needs friends when I have Mary?
And soon you shall have me and I'll have you.
(KISSES, CHUCKLES)
See you tonight at our usual place.
-♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -Yes!
A High School Musical mid-air jump for joy?
-What's up, Abe? -It's Mary.
Sorry. Here you go.
-♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ -It's Mary! We're gonna do it!
Tonight! The sex! Real sex!
I've dreamed of this moment since I was a tall, horny child.
This is a big moment. Losing my virginity changed me.
I made my first sex pun that day,
and ever since it's formed my whole personality.
(LAUGHS) I said "hole." (LAUGHS)
Let's get you ready! Where are you gonna do it?
The sexiest place in the world, the cemetery!
♪ (OMINOUS MUSICAL STING) ♪
-What? -No, nothing.
-Yeah. Congrats. -Cemetery sex is very normal.
Hope she gives good headstone.
(CHUCKLES) Thanks, fellas.
Maybe I'll dig a little grave and put my virginity in it.
-(LAUGHS) -Er, uh.
-Hey, that's a good one. -Cemetery sex is very normal!
-♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(HUMS)
♪ (EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Wow! She doesn't even lock her door.
No Ring camera, either?
She's just trying to get kidnapped, huh?
JOAN: Whoa. So many mirrors.
(SCOFFS) The amount of Windex you have to use
to keep these clean.
-(GASPS) -Bruh. What in the world?
CLEOPATRA: "Wall of virgins I've had sex with?"
I hate that font. (SCOFFS)
And what are these? Affirmations? Pathetic.
JOAN: "You can do it, Mary." "Go have cemetery sex with Abe."
Ew. "Who cares if they call you Bloody."
"Don't forget to unplug the air fryer."
Wait. "Call you Bloody"?
-Uh. Gals... -Wait. No. It-- It can't be.
That's our sleepover night. That must mean... (GASPS)
♪ (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Guys... I don't think she's just "Mary."
I think she's Bloody Mary!
But she went back in the mirror!
Wait, what sleepover was this?
We left you out of that one.
-Right, you weren't invited. -Persona non grata.
JOAN: So what happened was, we summoned Bloody Mary
and let her out of the mirror dimension.
FRIDA KAHLO: She was hella chill. We had a great time.
HARRIET: Then she hopped back in the mirror dimension
and we said goodbye forever.
-JOAN: Or so we thought. -(SCREAMS)
-What is she doing here? -It says here.
"Bloody Mary is a demon that emerges after you look
in a mirror and say her name three times."
'Kay. Yup. Check.
That was totally us. Okay.
"Bloody Mary then appears and preys on virgin boys
-to have sex with them..." -(GASPS)
HARRIET: "...in order to steal their life force and remain youthful.
The only way to force a stubborn Bloody Mary back
into the mirror dimension is to say 'please.'
Just kidding, you gotta stand in front of her
and say 'Bloody Mary' 6,969 times!
If you liked that--" Oh! "I'd really appreciate it
if you donate to my page." God damn.
Confucius said Abe was going to the cemetery
with Mary tonight!
She's not just toxic,
she's a monster who's gonna try and kill my best friend!
Or suck him dry, literally and figuratively!
Let's grab the others.
We have to stop her before it's too late!
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
So just to clarify, am I invited to this?
-Very funny, babe. -Just come on!
♪ (SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(GRUNTS, GROANS)
-(GRUNTS) -You can do it.
Shut up! I know I can do it. Just let me concentrate.
Please, Mama. Maybe if I just... (SCREAMS)
Come on. (GRUNTS, SCREAMS)
Still got it! Eat shit, fence! Cloney babies, here we come!
♪ (EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(ABE VOCALIZING)
-JOAN: Abe! -Oh, hey guys!
Thanks for coming to cheer me on,
but I'm not sure if Mary wants an audience.
Mary is a demon who wants to have sex with you
to steal your soul and stay young forever!
What? Joan! You're ruining what is clearly
a very romantic moment!
Abe, my eyebrow doesn't just freak out over nothing!
This is real! Your girl Mary is Bloody Mary.
And by the way, I want first bite at the story.
So if Dateline comes sniffing around,
just tell 'em I have an exclusive, yeah?
MARY: Well, well, well. What do we have here?
(CHUCKLES) Nothing!
Uh, my friends were just leaving so we can have sex.
They mistakenly thought that you were
the soul-sucking demon, Bloody Mary. (LAUGHS)
That's funny.
Because I am!
-(CLONES SCREAM) -♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
You know what? Not a deal-breaker.
-But it will kill you, Abe! -People die all the time, Joan!
Joan is just jealous and she wants you to herself.
Will people please stop saying that?
-I'm with Confucius! -Hi!
We're here so you don't die, Abe!
Can't you see this relationship is toxic?
Of course, I can't see that Joan.
I'm off-the-charts horny right now!
Okay, guys, come on.
Remember what we have to do to stop her! 6,969 times!
CLONES: (CHANTING) Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary...
-(GROANS) -Mary, No!
As much as I want you to lose it, buddy, Mary sucks.
And not in a good way.
She blows. Also not in a good way.
CLONES: (CHANTING) Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary...
Stop trying to lock my snatch latch.
Perhaps my loved ones can buy some time. (LAUGHS)
CLONES: (CHANTING) Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary,
Bloody Mary.
Oh, no! All the graves she put flowers on.
Those must be her exes!
Flowers for the guys she de-flowered. I get it.
-(BOTH SCREAM) -(GROWLS)
-We gotta stop them! -(SKELETONS GROWL)
Oh, my God!
I think she's had sex with more people than me! (SCREAMS)
SCUDWORTH: Why is this taking so long?
This has to be six feet by now!
I can't do this anymore. This grave is for me.
Oh, Mr. B, let's face it,
grave robbing is a young man's game,
and you and I are two old farts.
I wish these dumb bodies could simply dig themselves up!
-(BOTH SCREAM) -(GROWLS)
CLONES: (CHANTING) Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary,
-Bloody Mary. -(GROANS)
CLONES: (CHANTING) Bloody Mary....
There's too many ex-lovers! But-- (CHUCKLES)
Check this guy out. He doesn't even have a head.
My shin! He's treating it like a corn cob!
-CLONES: Bloody Mary. -(SCREAMS, GASPS)
Wait, these skeletons are all teen boys, right?
-♪ (SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -CLEO: Yoo-hoo. I'm feeling
so lonely and yet so sexually experienced!
(GASPS, GROWLS)
Cleo, you gorgeous bitch. You've done it again.
-♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ -Let's finish this!
CLONES: (CHANTING) Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary...
-...Bloody Mary. -Only 6,000 more times! Come on!
-No, no, no! -No, no, no, no!
(GROANS, GRUNTS)
Not on my watch, stupid. Take that!
You just made a grave mistake. (CHUCKLES)
-(SKELETON GROANS) -Mr. B! We did it!
Now let's take a little sample.
This is all we need to create the perfect next baby clone
beloved singer Don Ho!
♪ (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
CLONES: (CHANTING) Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary.
(GROANS) Bloody Mary.
Lips are, uh, too chapped to say it any-ore! Loody Ary.
Loody Ary. Me either!
We're at 6,966! Only three ore to go! Loody Ary.
-(BLOODY MARY GROANS) -It's not working.
Yes, time to sex you. (GROANS)
Wait! I'll do it.
-I'll have sex with you. -What?
I don't want you to end up with blue balls.
But we can't let her give you red balls!
That is the sweetest thing a friend could offer, JFK,
but I was really not planning on losing my virginity to a guy.
-Nice try. -JOAN: I'll do it!
-I'll have sex with you! -What?
-No! -Seriously?
She doesn't wanna be with you, Abe.
She just doesn't want anyone else to be with you.
-That's how jealous she is! -Oh, my God. She's right!
I'm just trying to save my best friend's life.
-Wow. -Don't listen to her!
I'm the one you want.
Yes, but I also wanna stay alive.
And I'd be lying if I said I never thought
about losing my virginity to Joan, Bloody Mary.
(SCREAMS) What are you doing?
-Oh, right! I said Bloody Mary. -(GROANS)
Oh, I said it again! What if I say it backwards?
How do you say Bloody Mary backwards?
-Oh, crap! -(SCREAMS)
♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(SCREAMS)
How do you like this shade? Bitch.
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Wow. Okay. Back to what we were talking about.
I'm all yours, Joan.
God, I can't believe we're actually doing this!
Abe, I'm not having sex with you now!
I beg your pardon?
We were only doing it to save your life!
And you put Loody Ary back in the mirror dimension,
so, you know, life saved.
So, I'm not having sex with anybody then?
My offer's still good, pal, if that helps. Nah? All right.
(GROANS)
-Abe, I'm sorry, this-- -Not now, Joan!
This could've been the best night of my life!
I could've just had sex! But because of you,
I'm just another naked virgin in a cemetery!
-Abe! -Mary was right about you!
(SOBBING)
Offering to have sex with Abe was genius, babe.
You knew he'd say Bloody Mary the whole time, didn't you?
-(CHUCKLES) Yeah. -You're amazing.
Yes, Joan was a hero, but it was also clear
that her feelings were more complicated than she let on.
If you print that, I'll put you in the mirror dimension.
Copy that. I will go with my back-up story.
♪ (FANFARE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪