-♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -NARRATOR: Previously,
on a very special season of Clone High.
Joan tried to kill her friends in the Death Maze
and that was social suicide. To be clear,
-no one actually got hurt... -(PARTY HORN HONKS)
...except The Board of Shadowy Figures,
who were all assassinated.
On a lighter note, Abe and JFK are friends now.
Lots of clones found love and it didn't take 20 years
for the new season to come out this time.
We're getting the hang of this thing, people.
Are we countin' our chickens? Yep.
Now, watch 'em hatch.
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
(SMOOCHING, MOANING)
(BOTH MOANING)
Okay, welcome back
to a brand new year at Clone High!
-How was everyone's summer? -You kept me in a box.
That's all the time we have for sharing.
Now, things got a little crazy
at the end of last term, what with the Death Maze,
the elaborate musical numbers, etcetera, etcetera.
So, we gotta cool it. Just do some actual schoolwork.
How does that sound?
It sounds like you blew your budget on the Death Maze
and don't have the funds to treat us
like experimental rats anymore. Am I right, guys?
-(DESKS SCREECH) -(STUDENTS GRUNT)
He's not the one who was trying to kill us.
Normally, you hate the game and not the player
but this is opposite.
(BOTH MOAN)
Okay, bring your desks back together in front of Joan,
-blocking her from my view. -(DESKS SCREECH)
PRINCIPAL SCUDWORTH: Yep, yep, yep, that's right.
Now, does anyone know
where we keep the science textbooks?
Anyone? Not one person, including me.
-Pathetic. -JOAN OF ARC: What the...
♪ (MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Hmm? -♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
You know, in the spirit of learning,
I would love to show everyone the independent study project
-I did on magnets this summer. -(ELECTRICITY ZAPS)
-Boo! -STUDENT: No, thanks.
Can't we just sit here?
I'd like to learn about magnets.
Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Toussaint Louverture.
Yes, my latest creation!
The new sensation that's sweeping the nation,
who also happens to be Haitian.
Listen, I'll be doing the teaching here, okay?
And let's start it off
with an edutaining freestyle on peptides.
Ah, wikki, wikki, wah, wikki, wah, wah--
-(SCREAMS) -♪ (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(STUDENTS CHEER)
The labels on these say, "Don't shoot indoors."
You wanna know who writes these labels?
Know-it-alls like him.
-(SCREAMS, GROANS) -♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
I'm sorry. What the hell is this?
I'm the new Science teacher, Professor Hirsute.
And I tend to go a little outside the box.
Did you say your name was Hair-suit?
It's pronounced "Her-suit," and if you don't know
what it means, I suggest you look it up!
-(KEYS CLACKING) -It kinda does mean hair suit.
Yes! See? You were right all along.
Trust your instincts. That's a point for this guy.
Babe, I got a point!
Believe me, this schtick's gonna get old fast,
the flowing hair, the tweed jacket,
-his patent leather satchel-- -Don't touch my satchel!
(SCREAMING)
-What the hell? -Hey.
-He tried to touch his satchel. -(STUDENTS LAUGHING)
Sorry, we're late. We were rasslin'
-in the bathroom. (LAUGHS) -(LAUGHS) Oh, you know,
givin' each other zerberts and other manly junk.
I'm not mad.
-What? -You're not?
Not even close. In fact, I'm giving you both
two points each for doing what made sense to you.
I'm losing now, babe. I gotta get more points!
So, let me get this straight. We got rewarded for being late?
You got rewarded for thinking for yourselves.
See, I don't care about things like,
"Showing up on time" as long as you come in here
-with an open mind... -(SNORING)
...and a beautiful mind and a dangerous mind
and you stand and you deliver.
That actually makes me want to be on time!
He seems too cool for school, yet here he is!
Question for my two superstars here.
Should we be done with class for the day?
-Yes! -Yes!
-Go on, get outta here. -(STUDENTS CHEER)
And now, a funky jam about peptides! (BABBLES)
♪ ("CLONE HIGH THEME SONG" BY ABANDONED POOLS PLAYING) ♪
♪ Way, way back in the 1980's Secret government employees ♪
♪ Dug up famous guys And ladies ♪
♪ And made amusing Genetic copies ♪
♪ Then the clones As teens were frozen ♪
♪ Thawed out decades later Why? ♪
♪ Back for reasons They're not disclosin' ♪
♪ Giving high school Another try ♪
♪ It's time To watch Clone High ♪
♪ Energetic and engaging Clone High ♪
♪ Our angst is entertaining Clone High ♪
♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
-Look at that moron... -(BELL RINGING)
...clutching his timeless satchel!
Mr. B! Call the Board of Shadowy Figures!
I must get to the bottom of this!
-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(LINE RINGING)
What do you want, Cinnamon?
Candide? What are you doing there?
I've become sole member of the Board of Shadowy Figures
ever since the others were murdered.
Well, I took two weeks off after the murders
and then I started. That's why I'm tan.
My God, you're the first woman to ever fail upward.
Congratulations!
We have a problem with the new science teacher.
I hate him and his stupid face.
I hired him for a reason, Scudworth.
No one is to touch him
or the finely crafted satchel from Firenze
he carries so stylishly at his side.
He's to have carte blanche at the school.
-That's an order. -♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(GROANS) He thinks he's so cool.
-It's like, quit trying so hard. -Pathetic.
I know, right? I can try way harder than that.
-(SCREAMS) How's it look? -Infected.
But, like, dope, right?
I'm gonna lie down.
(THUDS)
♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Hello? -(GROWLING)
What is this place? What is going on? (SCREAMS)
We're the Bleacher Creatures.
-Roll call! -♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ My name is Topher I'm an ally ♪
♪ Nobody likes me I do not know why ♪
♪ My name is Ivan And I'm terrible ♪
-♪ (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) ♪ -Okay, okay, stop, stop!
I don't need a roll call song, thank you.
I just want to know what you're doing down here?
We're the outcasts! The misfits!
I'm Jackée The Ripper. Nice to meet you, Mary.
I'm actually-- I'm-- I'm Joan.
Everyone thinks that Jack the Ripper was a man
but it was me,
a lady with a lust for blood and nail art! (CHUCKLES)
Men aren't the only serial killers.
-Right, Lizzie Borden? -Affirmative. (CHUCKLES)
-♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -And you can be one of us.
(CHUCKLES) I haven't fallen that far.
Oh, come on, Joan. You're a clone alone.
You're clearly craving companionship.
-You have no friends! -Thanks?
Being a Bleacher is a hoot. We're about to select our logo!
We've got the anarchy A's. Classic, but is it played out?
Satanist vibe. Maybe a little preachy.
Dripping with blood. Dripping with irony.
And all of our butts.
We're gonna tag the winning design all over school,
so let's get it right, Marys.
Joan, if you join our little group of pariahs,
-you get a vote. -(SIGHS) Can I think about it?
Of course. We just need you to sign
our non-disclosure agreement.
-We're very litigious. -♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
♪ (HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Learning doesn't happen by reading books.
It happens by experiencing the world!
Oh, I've never had a favorite teacher before.
He sees something in me and that makes me feel special.
-I just want more points! -Outdated teaching methods.
That's the problem with these urban schools
that you poor, underprivileged teens
-have to attend. -We live in the suburbs.
-Our school is very well funded. -(ROCKET WHIZZES)
You just don't like him because you're a rule follower
and he's a rule breaker.
Yeah, you're by the book and he likes to burn the books.
Books are sort of famously a bad thing to burn!
Five points for anyone who helps me burn these books!
I found some worthless old kindling.
That's my science project!
-I got some gasoline! -I got some matches!
-Confucius, no! -Babe, I need the points!
What?
-Oh, fire is spreading. -I'll get some water.
No, come on. Books tell you to fight fire with water!
-(GUN COCKS) -And books can go to hell!
The fire just doubled in size!
Therefore, it'll burn out doubly fast.
Which is why we fight fire with fire!
That's our time. See you tomorrow!
Am I the only one who thinks this guy is dangerous at all?
You're not alone.
Toussaint Louverture. I never thanked you
for having my back in class yesterday.
Like my clone father,
I would give my life for a righteous cause.
Therefore, it is I who has to thank you
for giving me purpose, Harriet Tubman.
Oh, my. (CHUCKLES)
-Oh, my, as well. -(SCREAMING)
Why is the forest on fire?
This isn't the western United States.
-Or is it? -(DOOR OPENING)
Welcome to my cool office! It's so casual and hip.
Did you see my earring?
(ECHOING SCREAMING)
It's a bit infected
but it's still bitching, am I right?
You've been bitching about it all day.
Professor Hirsute is a terrible teacher
and not just because he wears blazers with jeans!
Someone's going to get hurt!
Hirsute might be opening minds
but he's filling them with garbage!
I knew it! Come to my secret hiding place.
I believe we're being watched.
♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
The secret is in that
casually luxurious satchel of his.
You must get it from him!
We'll snatch the satchel. That's fun to say.
I'd do it but I'm being watched by the man
and the man is a genderless lizard
with a stethoscope.
(HISSES)
Get the satchel and you'll find the evidence
that can take that cocky Mr. Kotter down,
making me the coolest faculty member again.
Ahem.
-Right, snackpacks? -♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪
See, you get it.
Here, take this cheap knockoff satchel
that I purchased on Canal Street.
Which I definitely knew was fake the whole time.
You paid 360--
I knew it was fake, okay?
-♪ (ROCK SONG PLAYING) ♪ -(WHIMPERS)
As you can see, I, uh, er, just disproved water displacement
and buoyancy by giving this nerd a swirly.
Impressive, Kennedy. Five points!
(CHOMPS, GULPS) Professor, look at me! I was told that
eating magnets was deadly, yet I am still alive.
Another myth busted!
-(GULPS) -Well done, Confucius.
(SWALLOWS)
Professor, look! I'm staring directly at the sun,
and it doesn't hurt. It's just beautiful! (GRUNTS)
Hear that? Those are for you.
You freed your minds, gentlemen. Now let them run wild.
CONFUCIUS: There's snow on a mountaintop,
so hot air doesn't rise!
PROFESSOR HIRSUTE: Oh, I like it!
JFK: The Big Bang Theory didn't start everything,
-Young Sheldon did! -PROFESSOR HIRSUTE: Oh, yeah!
ABE LINCOLN: Lefty tighty, righty loosey!
-PROFESSOR HIRSUTE: Keep it up! -CONFUCIUS: Deep state,
-dark web! -JFK: Dark state, deep web!
(CHUCKLES) Just look at all the truth you've found!
Uh, Professor, I'm just curious who has the most points.
Yeah, and what exactly does the winner win?
Abe thinks it's a chocolate factory.
I told you that in confidence! (SCREAMS)
Boys, the winner will assist me in a public demonstration
exposing the biggest myth of all time.
And since your scores are all tied at the moment,
this next question decides it. Are you ready?
-Oh, my God! -This is it!
-I'm so nervous! -Right now,
I'm holding something in my hand. If gravity is real,
it should fall when I drop it, correct?
-Uh... -ABE: Um...
-Yes! -Yes, correct!
-Yes! I was gonna say yes. -Yes! I also say yes.
And now, a moment of truth. I present to you, gravity.
(BIRD TWEETS)
-♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -It didn't fall!
That means there's no such thing as gravity!
-Correct! -Wait, gravity doesn't exist?
(LAUGHS) I know, right?
What? Haven't you ever seen old ladies' knockers?
(SCOFFS) I wish! Well, Confucius,
you'll have the honor of assisting me tomorrow.
We're gonna show all those academic elitists
who've given me fake contact information
through the years that they should have listened.
You're gonna be rich and famous, my friend.
I'm already rich.
Then you're gonna be famous and famous.
-♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ -(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
-♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -There he is!
How are we gonna snatch that satchel?
I told you it was fun to say.
He's got to put it down some time.
-(GULPS) -Jackpot.
-We'll have to come back. -♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪
Later tonight. I'll pick you up at your house.
At my house? (STAMMERS) Oh, of course.
You can pick me up. At night. At my house.
Yeah, like, what-- what's the attire?
-Hey, babe. -(SCREAMS) Hey, babe.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) What's up?
You ever have a big secret
you want to tell the person you love but you just can't?
No, and that's a weird thing to ask.
Why would you ask that? I wonder.
Well, 'cause I do have a big secret.
It's gonna make me famous.
Oh, yeah, right, okay. Um, you have a secret. Right.
Wait, this doesn't have anything to do with Professor Hirsute,
does it? I don't want you to get hurt.
I'm sworn to secrecy on that. But I will say this.
I ate magnets, and I'm feeling fine. Bye, bae!
-(ELECTRICITY ZAPS) -(GRUNTS, LAUGHS)
All right, Lizzie.
Let's throw up the first transparency.
(LAUGHS)
Okay, what are we thinking about the red?
Kinda gets lost in the brick.
It needs to pop like a zit on my eyelid.
I'm hearing no on the red. Next option?
So we're not actually tagging the wall.
We're just picking colors?
Mm-hmm. And frankly, I don't think we've got it yet.
So, that's a no from Jackée on the blue.
IVAN THE TERRIBLE: It's a fuck no from me.
TOPHER BUS: A simple "no" would have been fine, Ivan.
(GIGGLES, SMOOCHES)
Hey, Frida! Hey, Cleo!
-(CYCLE BELL RINGS) -(SMOOCHING, MOANING)
Joan, we're looking at a hot pink here?
-Really need you to weigh in. -(SIGHS)
♪ (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Ooh! A mo-ped. Or is it moped?
So European! I've never been on one of these before.
-Is it safe? -Safe? There's nothing safe
about snatching a teacher's satchel,
but that's why we feel so alive.
(BIKE ENGINE REVVING)
Oh. You know my helmet size.
-(GRUNTS) -Just hold on to me tight.
They don't call these donor cycles for nothing.
-Tighter. Tighter still. -♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪
♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(LOCK CLICKING)
(PROFESSOR HIRSUTE SNORING)
(GRUNTS SOFTLY) The biggest number is zero.
(SNORES, GRUNTS SOFTLY) We're the aliens.
(SNORES) Rock covers paper.
(SNORES)
Scudworth was right!
(SNORES) Who's there? (GRUNTS SOFTLY)
-♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪ -(GASPS, GRUNTS)
Who's there? Mom?
Pee-paw? Bill Nye the Science Lie?
Scatter like a loved one's ashes!
-Meet me-- -I know where to meet you.
♪ (PEPPY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ -Oh, we made it!
We got the evidence and now, we can take down
unconventional teaching forever.
How'd you know this is where I would run?
Where else would you go?
We started our journey right here.
And tomorrow, it ends.
I guess, I'm just not ready for tomorrow yet.
-♪ (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -I'm sorry. I--
My hands get sweaty when I'm nervous.
And my pits. (CHUCKLES) And my underbuns.
And my overbuns.
But your eyes are beautifully dry.
That's just allergies. I-- I-- I have prescription eye drops.
I-- I left them at home.
We should probably stop staring into each other's eyes then.
-I know, but I can't look away. -I can't either.
Your eyes are just so...
BOTH: Penetrating.
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
♪ (UPBEAT ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(SEDUCTIVE VOICE GROANS)
Baby.
That's what I like.
Feels so good.
Come on. (MOANS)
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
What did we do? I have a boyfriend!
But does your eye have a boyfriend?
I have to go.
-But does your eye have-- -HARRIET TUBMAN: Yes!
-♪ (TENSE MSUIC PLAYING) ♪ -My fellow truth seekers!
Prepare to witness a scientific breakthrough
that will forever change the world!
(CROWD GASPS)
Confucius, take it away!
Why is Confucius on the roof?
I don't know. Do you want me to come with--
Screw you, Joan.
Oh, she'll learn not to talk to you like that, Mary.
They'll all learn. Time for us to strike!
I proved that eating magnets is safe.
And now, I'll prove that gravity
does not exist!
On my signal, Confucius!
-Three! Two! -♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪
-Stop! Confucius! Don't jump! -CROWD: Boo!
Ugh. He was so close to saying one.
I can't believe I have to say this,
but gravity is real!
-Professor Hirsute is a fraud! -(CROWD GASPS)
He's wanted in four states
and his satchel's wanted in seven!
-(CROWD GASPING) -(GULPS)
We called the feds!
Come on, that's as ridiculous as a round earth!
-(CROWD LAUGHS) -I know. What's next?
Aliens didn't build the pyramids?
Yeah, or the moon isn't flat?
(CROWD LAUGHS)
-We have the proof right here. -♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
That's not even my satchel! My satchel is right here!
No, it's not, we switched it with a knockoff!
Pull one thread on that thing and it all falls apart.
-Just like everything... -(GASPS)
-...he's taught us! -(PROFESSOR HIRSUTE GASPING)
Admit it, Professor Hirsute! Or should I say Hairsuit?
Professors change their name all the time,
especially the women ones when they get married!
Or did we forget that women can be professors?
Professor Hirsute didn't just change his name once.
He changed it over a dozen times.
Students died when he convinced them
that they could breathe underwater!
-(CROWD GASPS) -They did it wrong!
Others died trying to cure measles
by eating crystals!
Uh, heard of vitamins and minerals?
Crystals are literally minerals!
And then, there was the lethal vaccination
-by raccoon juice. -(CROWD GASPING)
My raccoon!
-Confucius, don't do this! -(GLASS SHATTERING)
He's dangerous!
No one ever said the truth wasn't dangerous, Confucius!
It's about going with your gut.
And right now, my gut is telling me
that your girlfriend, Harriet and Toussaint Louverture
have been having an affair.
-What? (LAUGHS) No way! -(CROWD GASPS)
Then I guess, I didn't see you two
gadabouting around the campus last night!
-Is that true, Harriet? -♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪
Uh, I mean, uh, no, not--
Uh, well-- Okay, here's the thing.
Yes, we did steal the satchel together
but it was to save you!
Our eyes were on the prize the whole time!
They certainly weren't on each other.
What would that even look like?
An eye consensually on another eye? (SCOFFS)
Confucius, if you want to keep swallowing everything
the world spoon-feeds you, I've got a couple guys here
ready to take your place in history.
-Oh, pick me! Pick me! -Let me do it!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, give me a second!
♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Don't do it! -Fly, Confucius!
Okay, I've made my decision-- (SCREAMS)
-♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(CROWD GASPS)
Save him! He's so rich!
He swallowed magnets. Quick, quick, quick!
-(SCREAMS) -There's very little time!
Think, Harriet, think! It's magnets. You know this!
Now is not the time to panic. Now is the time to act.
Oh, wow! Okay, he's halfway down.
We need a magnet of the same polarity
as the magnets in Confucius' stomach
to fight the downward force!
Harriet, catch!
(SCREAMS)
-(ELECTRICITY ZAPS) -♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-(CROWD CHEERING) -That's right! It's science!
From a book! And it's awesome!
-(METAL CLANKS) -(CROWD CHEERING)
You know what? I've had enough of you pathetic little sheep!
I'm taking back my real satchel,
which is worth more than your entire lives,
and I am outta here.
That's the satchel! Do what we do best!
-♪ (TENSE MUSIC PALYING) ♪ -(OFFICERS GRUNT)
Fly, satchel! I'll come for you!
-(THUD) -(GUNSHOTS)
-(MISSILES FIRE) -No!
(EXPLOSION)
-(GUNSHOT) -(CRIES)
(COUGHS, CHOKES)
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Abe. JFK.
I'm speaking at a frequency only you can hear.
Break me out of jail! (GRUNTS)
(SIREN BLARING)
Why did you hire that dipstick and his purse?
If I'm going to turn these clones
into world leaders, I need to weed out the bad ones.
Anyone who follows this idiot is clearly not leader material
and deserves what they get.
So, you were going to let Confucius die?
Better dead than running the world.
Pretty smart for a woman! (WAILS)
-(SOBS) -Cool ear.
Van Gogh, thank you. I am cool, aren't I?
So very, very cool. So very cold.
-(AMBULANCE SIREN BLARING) -(CHOKES)
(CHOKES, COUGHS)
(GAGS, GASPS)
So glad that guy's gone.
I never want to care that much about school ever again.
Me neither.
(SCOFFS) We should've known he was trouble.
Passionate male teachers are always suspect.
(SIGHS) I bet his chest hair wasn't even real.
I mean, it was real hair, but probably not his.
(CHUCKLES) Well, I'm just glad everyone's okay.
We all came through this calamity together.
As friends.
Uh, sorry, Joan. Doesn't work like that.
Yeah, don't try to horn in on this.
(SCOFFS) You tried to murder us, like, three months ago.
-Who even does that? -Okay.
Did you think we just forgot?
-I said, "Okay!" (GRUNTS) -Keep walkin'.
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
We're gonna have to add another butt to that.
(ALL CHEER)
Role call!
♪ Nobody likes me Not even teachers ♪
♪ My name is Joan the new Bleacher Creature! ♪
Thank you for saving me, my sexy Inspector Gadget.
I should have never doubted you for a second.
I'm just glad you're okay.
How did I get so lucky to have such an amazing girlfriend?
Uh, can you repeat the question?
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
SCUDWORTH: And now, a funky jam about peptides.
♪ Pa, pa, pa, pa, pep, pa Pep, pa, pep, peptide ♪
♪ Peptides are short Amino acid chains ♪
♪ They’re the building blocks Of something ♪
♪ That we call pro-teins ♪
♪ A neuropeptide activates Inside your brain ♪
♪ And it can tell you When you’re hungry ♪
♪ Isn’t that insane? ♪
♪ Pa, pa, pa, pa, pep, pa Pep, pa, pep, peptide ♪
♪ Peptides are found In every living thing ♪
♪ From protozoa all the way To human beings ♪
♪ They’re synthesized From sequences of DNA ♪
♪ So peptides are never Gonna go away ♪
♪ Pa, pa, pa, pa, pep, pa Pep, pa, pep, peptide ♪
♪ If I was Johnny Depp ♪
♪ You could call me Johnny Depptide ♪
♪ If I was a soda You could call me Dr. Peptide ♪
♪ If I spoke like Yoda I might flip it ♪
♪ And say Tide-Pep ♪
♪ Say it with me now Anyone who hasn’t tried yet ♪
♪ Pa, pa, pa, pa, pep, pa Pep, pa, pep, peptide ♪
♪ They’re synthesized From sequences of DNA ♪
♪ So peptides are never Gonna go away ♪