Stupendous: You are pathetic!
You are the sorriest bunch of recruits I have ever seen!
You, take my sword.
Too late, you're dead.
You, take my sword. Soldier: [Screams]
Stupendous: Swept your legs, you're dead.
You, take my sword.
Recruit: Do I have to? Because I think we get the...
Aah! Stupendous: Oh, a thinker!
Next time, I pop out a couple of your thinking bones.
Recruit: You think we think with our teeth?
What do we got here?
Aren't you cute? But this is grown-up work.
Come back when you're 12.
Vengeance: I ain't going nowhere.
I come a long way to meet you, Stupendous.
Word is you're the best of the best.
Stupendous: I am.
Vengeance: Then I need you for a job.
A revenge mission.
I need you to help me find and kill
the man who killed my dad.
Stupendous: Oh, this is one of those stories.
Little orphan girl, grizzled old warrior.
Old warrior doesn't like kids, but then the kid wins her heart.
You become like the daughter I never had.
Vengeance: I don't care about your heart.
Stupendous: Yup, playing it perfect.
And I'm as ornery as they come.
[Growls playfully]
No way you'll win me over.
That was a wink.
I have to tell people because of the one eye.
You got yourself a deal, kid.
What's your name? Vengeance: I have no name.
But you may call me Tit for Tat.
Or Vengeance.
Stupendous: I'm gonna call you Vengeance.
♪
Shlub: Everyone, I have an announcement.
First, can someone tell me if I'm standing or sitting?
You are standing.
Excellent. And is standing
the one where the world spins apart
into infinite rotating musical fragments?
Oh, dear. Did you have a salad?
Shlub: I can answer that question with a song.
♪ I...forgot the question ♪
Hippocampus: What the hell was in that salad?
To mantitaurs, lettuce is a powerful hallucinogen.
You naughty boy.
Tyrannis: That's why he calls it "Daddy Grass."
Daddy Grass gives Daddy the grunchies.
Mmm.
Vengeance: Mmm...
Shlub: Well, well, well.
Who is this little Spitfire
who seems to have as many stomachs as I?
Stupendous: Everybody, this is Vengeance.
Little feral kid I'm gonna help
with a revenge mission.
Tyrannis: You know I have trouble with killing.
But the revenge kind, I do get the appeal.
It just makes murder fun.
Why are mortals so convinced
that one type of killing is better than any other?
I mean, they're all fantastic. Stupendous: Nah.
The revenge kill's extra special.
I like to draw it out, too.
Get them on the ground, sword at their throat,
and then it's lecture time.
And you guys know I'm not a talker,
but when it comes to a "Know why I'm killing you" monologue,
man, I light them shnerps on fizers.
Gonna bond along the way?
Stupendous: That's the plan. Vengeance: No, it's ain't.
Stupendous: Look at her all angry.
She's like a little me.
I'm jealous of your little adventure.
In fact, I'm coming with.
No! This is my story
about a spunky kid warming an old soldier's heart.
You don't get to horn in on it.
Shlub: ♪ Horning in ♪
Well, I have to go and see Viscera.
Ooh-hoo!
Your cannibal princess dream-girl crush?
I should never confide in any of you.
She just said she had something to show me.
Others: Ooh!
Shlub: What is that song? I know the harmony.
It smells like chonky rainbows.
Tyrannis: Okay, so what was the personal thing
you wanted to... Oh, God!
Viscera: What? Oh, this is just a severed human hand.
Tyrannis: Phew!
Viscera: Got it from my ex today.
Tyrannis: Oh, so your ex is threatening you?
Or sending you a treat?
Viscera: Neither. The severed human hand
is a symbol of love in our culture.
Heart is hate. Ear is just, like, whatever.
You know, just, like, "Thinking of you."
But the hand...
Bloodmouth is formally signaling
his intention to win me back.
By sending me a treat, yes.
But that's not the headline.
And does that make you happy--
getting back with Bloodmouth?
I am not getting back together with him.
He's such a typical Killassian man.
Clinging to this traditional idea of masculinity,
lying and scheming,
drooling anytime anyone mentions human flesh.
Tyrannis: Ugh, the classic type.
Viscera: He's just a caveman.
Which is, you know, probably why the sex was so great.
Tyrannis: Right. Viscera: I mean mind-blowing.
Tyrannis: Sure, sure. We've all been there.
Viscera: Yeah, you know, he had me doing that sound.
You know, the sound a woman makes
when she's being completely and thoroughly satisfied.
Tyrannis: Know it well. Know it well.
Viscera: But I can't. He's bad for me.
Besides, a traditional Killassian like Bloodmouth
will just back off if he knows I have a boyfriend.
So I was thinking,
could you just pretend to be my boyfriend
when Bloodmouth gets here?
Tyrannis: Oh, pretend to be your boyfriend. I can do that.
Viscera: It has got to be convincing, though.
He's gonna be skeptical. Tyrannis: Same with my family.
Anytime I date anyone, I get a million questions
because of one little time
I pretended I had a girlfriend named Veronica
who had been turned into a coyote.
I'm still not fessing up to that one,
so go along with me if it comes up.
Viscera: Uh, okay.
Well, we're a couple.
Ugh, I hate having to lie.
This is stressing me out. [Sighs]
I'm gonna need to stress eat. Just look away if you need.
[Sighs, crunching]
Oh, wow.
Oh, yeah, that's the stuff. Mmm.
Stupendous: All right, you got everything?
You got enough water? You got layers?
It gets cold at night. Vengeance: Stop parenting.
Stupendous: Right. Good call.
We got to build it. Shlub: [Screams]
[Grunts]
Never fear.
♪ Shlub is here ♪
Stupendous: Dad, you're still high?
I heard that you could undo the effect
by eating a lot more lettuce.
As it turns out, the person who told me that
was not real.
No, you're not, Colin. We've talked about this.
You don't see a talking wine bottle
named Colin, do you? Stupendous: No, Dad.
Well, he's saying he doesn't see you,
so I don't know who to believe.
Vengeance: Does your dad have to come along?
Stupendous: It's hard to make him not,
especially when he's on lettuce.
Don't eat salad.
Just say no!
Dad, stay home.
You're gonna screw up the mission.
Not for me, I won't. Stupendous: See what I'm saying?
He just does stuff.
Shlub: With reckless abandon.
Stupendous: Okay, you can come along.
You can watch.
But this is gonna be my fun thing, not yours.
Shlub: I'll take that kind of talk from my daughter
but not from you.
Stupendous: Dad, I am your daughter.
Shlub: Now, now, girls, don't fight.
Shlub: Ah, so we find ourselves at a frontier trading post.
Refuge of outlaws, smugglers, lowlifes--
my kind of people.
Stupendous: Is this where the killer is?
Vengeance: No. He lives in the caves of Digor.
But they say he's got a dragon for protection.
Shlub: We're going to need a dragon trap.
Heading in. Stupendous: Dad, hang back.
Shlub: This is exactly where you don't want me
to hang back.
Come on, Colin.
[Band playing]
Okay, can you just confirm the floor is lava,
the furniture is candy, and the walls are liquid?
Colin: Sure can.
Stupendous: Nope, it's a normal bar.
Shlub: Well, now I strongly suspect
that you are hallucinating.
Careful where you step.
Excuse me, good sir.
Rumor has it a fella can get
into some kind of trouble around here.
Trader: What kind of trouble you talking about?
Shlub: The kind of trouble
good folks don't want to get into.
Trader: I'm listening.
Shlub: You picking up on what I'm putting down?
Oh, you're speaking my language, brother.
Shlub: Good. So, if someone were on the lookout
for a dragon trap, any clue?
Oh, man, did I misread that one.
Yeah, I got dragon traps. How many you want?
Viscera: Okay, well, this'll be interesting.
Coming up with a backstory for how someone like you
and someone like me could have realistically
fallen in love. Tyrannis: [Chuckles]
Yes, well, I'm up for the challenge if you are.
Okay, boyfriend.
So, what was our first date?
Tyrannis: Shall we say I took you
to a candlelight dinner on the beach?
Moonlight dinner on a boat.
Twilight dinner on an iceberg.
If you could help me out, I'd really appreciate it.
It's got to be something realistic, Ty.
Bloodmouth knows I don't go for something-light dinner
on the something-to-do- with-the-sea.
Tyrannis: She figured out the pattern.
Well, I don't either. Just seemed like what you're supposed to do.
Viscera: Okay, so what would you want to do?
Tyrannis: Oh, I don't think you'd like it.
Viscera: Try me.
Tyrannis: All right, if we're getting real,
I would probably take you to the market on falafel day
because I'm boring and I like falafel.
Viscera: Shut the front door.
I love falafel! And I'm boring as hell.
Tyrannis: No! Are you being serious?
Viscera: It's crazy.
We're, like, actually made for each other.
You'd probably make an awesome boyfriend,
to be honest.
Both: [Laugh]
Viscera: I guess that's why we're friends.
Tyrannis: That's, mm, got to be why.
Viscera: So, when did you know that you loved me?
Tyrannis: I saw you sneeze.
You do it in fives, each one cuter than the last.
Viscera: That is perfect.
Who could possibly love my gross sneezing fits?
So, then, in a Killassian tradition,
I smelled your family to ascertain compatibility
and we had sex.
Tyrannis: What a beautiful love story.
Viscera: Oh, we should kiss.
Tyrannis: Oh, uh, should we? Viscera: Of course.
It can't look like we've never kissed.
Tyrannis: I suppose not.
Oh, quick question. Which way are you gonna lean?
Because I've been told that I come in at an angle
that is unworka...
Viscera: Wow. Good acting.
Tyrannis: I have worked out a method.
Viscera: Oh, and I'm gonna need to see your moles,
in case he asks. Tyrannis: Why would he ask?
Is that another Killassian thing?
No. He just knows I'm obsessed with moles.
Tyrannis: Do we have to?
Viscera: Just strip and show me your moles, weirdo.
Oh, wow.
I was not expecting that many moles.
One?
I don't get out of bed for one. You gotta buy a thousand.
Colin: Look, it's right there. I say we just grab it.
Quiet, Colin. I'm negotiating.
Who are you talking to?
If you got invisible friends,
you got to disclose that up front, all right?
I don't have invisible friends,
and I don't want to buy a thousand dragon traps.
If you're not careful, you're gonna lose
a great customer.
Trader: Ha! You want to know who's a good customer? Asia...
Colin: I'm telling you, we could take him.
How would you do that if you have no arms?
Colin: You're forgetting Marissa.
She has no arms either.
Colin: Yeah, but she has guts,
which is a lot more than I can say for you.
Vengeance: Your dad's a problem. Stupendous: On it.
Hey, Dad. Why don't you...?
Colin: There's your distraction! Go! Go! Go!
Trader: Get that guy!
Shlub: [Grunts]
Dad!
- Uh!
Vengeance: [Screams]
Man: [Grunts] Come on!
Shlub: Am I hitting anyone real? Stupendous: No!
Shlub: Then explain the blood everywhere.
Hippocampus: So you two are a couple?
Viscera: It's been brewing for a while.
Remember the falafel? Tyrannis: Remember it well.
That's when you sneezed, and I knew.
Deliria: If you're a couple, how's the sex?
Viscera: Oh, amazing.
Hippocampus: That's the tell! Deliria: Nice try.
Viscera: Well, call it a practice run.
Hippocampus: You thought you could pull another Veronica on us?
Deliria: No, Veronica was real. She was turned into a coyote.
Hippocampus: She was not, Mom.
He just brought a coyote to dinner.
Deliria: You made me have tea with its mother.
We stayed friends!
I have drinks once a month with a random coyote
whose daughter I thought was going to marry my son!
Hippocampus: Why would the mom be a coyote?
Tyrannis: I'm sorry you made a friend, okay?
Can you both just do us a solid
and lie for us so that Viscera can get rid
of her very aggressive boyfriend?
Hippocampus: It's never gonna work.
Tyrannis: It will work. It will work if you cooperate.
Bloodmouth: I've come for my true love!
Viscera: Sorry, Bloodmouth.
You're too late. I've got a boyfriend.
Bloodmouth: Where is he?
Tyrannis: It's me. Hello. Ty.
Bloodmouth: [Laughs]
Oh, yeah! [Laughs]
Tyrannis: Yeah, this might not work.
Stupendous: Oh, man. That was fun!
Vengeance: I can't believe we made it out of there.
Stupendous: Man, you really clocked that guy
with that trap, though.
Vengeance: He was like... [Imitates whining and grunting]
Stupendous: [Laughing] Yeah.
Vengeance: I'm not bonding with you.
Stupendous: No, me neither.
You're a hell of a fighter. Good instincts.
Can I show you something, though?
Vengeance: Yeah.
Stupendous: Take my sword.
Both: [Grunt]
Stupendous: Try again.
Vengeance: Aah!
Stupendous: Again.
Vengeance: Ah! Stupendous: There you go!
Shlub: We're going to have to expand the camp a bit.
Word got out about the revenge killing,
and now everyone wants in on the action.
This is Richard,
Gaius, Licorice Man.
Colin you already know.
Marissa's with him.
And lastly, Lucinda and Bethany,
who, you may have noticed, are twins.
Not even a hello?
Shlub, your family's rude.
Shlub: They don't believe in you.
Colin: Well, I believe in us!
Come on! Licorice Man: Yes!
Shlub: Now, if you don't mind, we're going to take a soak
in that delicious-looking hot tub.
Oof! Damn, that's hot!
Stupendous: Dad, that "hot tub" is fire!
Shlub: You're telling me!
[Shlub's friends cheering]
Bloodmouth: It just doesn't track.
Do you two believe this is a couple?
Hippocampus: Absolutely.
Deliria: Fireworks! [Imitates explosion]
Bloodmouth: I can see the relationship
from his side,
but from her side, I'm a little fuzzy.
Viscera: What is not to love about this man?
He's smart. He's funny.
He dreamt up a city and made it happen.
He's adorably awkward, and he's not afraid to fail,
which is good because he fails a lot.
And it makes me love him even more.
Tyrannis: Wow. I mean...
These are things you've told me before
so, so many times.
Bloodmouth: How's the sex? Viscera: Awkward.
And his moles? Viscera: Plentiful.
Mmm. Moles.
Okay, so I see that your love is valid.
Therefore, I intend to win you back.
I invoke the ritual of Rektahl!
Viscera: Ugh! Tyrannis: Excuse me. Rectal?
Bloodmouth: Rektahl! The courtship battle.
Our tradition demands that you shed blood for her.
Unless you don't truly love her.
Tyrannis: H-how much blood? The shedding amount.
Bloodmouth: Then again, you could back out.
Just renounce your love for her,
in which case, you never speak to her again
and you have to sheath your penis
in a downward-facing gourd for the rest of your life.
Which will make dating hard.
Tyrannis: I'm... I'm sorry, you said those
were the only two options, or...?
Viscera: I'm so sorry, Ty. I didn't think he would do this.
Tyrannis: Do people ever die during one of these?
Just out of interest. Viscera: Rarely.
But when they do, it is so romantic.
Vengeance: This is it. The Caves of Digor.
Shlub: You two relax. Me and the gang have got this.
I don't care if you are sore from the hot tub.
You signed on to do a mission, and you'll damn well do it!
Vengeance: Stupe? Stupendous: Yeah, I got this.
Hey, Dad, Vengeance told me this guy,
he's got a harem. Shlub: Ooh!
Stupendous: And they're all trained fighters.
Shlub: A fighting harem. What could be better?
Stupendous: Yeah, the lead woman is named Mandy.
So I'm thinking you take your crew around the back,
find Mandy, tell her you got no quarrel
with her or her girls.
Shlub: Exactly. All right, come on, gang.
Here, draggy.
Here, draggy, draggy, draggy. You got your speech ready?
I would start real slow once you got him.
Walk up and say, "Well, well, well."
Vengeance: [Grunts] Stupendous: Ow!
Well, well, well.
Stupendous.
Stupendous: Yeah, exactly.
But you wouldn't say "Stupendous,"
you'd say the name of whoever it was
that killed your...
Oh... it's me, right?
Stupendous: So you're trying to tell me
I'm the guy who killed your dad? Vengeance: Yep.
I said "him" instead of "her" to throw you off.
So that's how you did it.
Clever! How'd I kill him?
Vengeance: It was during the Philandean War.
You probably don't even remember.
Stupendous: Of course I don't remember
who I kill in a war.
Vengeance: Well, I do!
Stupendous: That doesn't mean you got such a great memory.
I mean, it was your dad. Of course you remember.
Vengeance: It's not a memory contest!
Stupendous: That's what I'm saying.
I knew I had to get you out of town,
away from your backup.
Your dad was a bit of a wrinkle, but I had you get rid of him.
Stupendous: Listen, we're talking about a war here.
I'm sorry I killed your dad,
but if I hadn't have killed him, he would have killed me.
What difference does that make to me?
Don't make me think about that!
If I think about the families, I can't do my job.
Your only job right now is to die. Hyah!
Stupendous: Wait, wait.
That was a really good line.
Vengeance: I know! I said it!
[Yells]
Hippocampus: Oh, I love the irony.
You pulled off an improbable
and very tricky fake-girlfriend move,
only to have to fight the scariest dude in the world!
Tyrannis: Thank you, yes. I just don't know if I'll survive this.
Deliria: I could hamstring him somehow,
maybe by cutting his hamstrings.
Tyrannis: Then Viscera would see me
as a weak little mama's boy. Hippocampus: Wait.
You think you actually still have a shot with her?
Face it, Ty. It's not gonna happen.
Deliria: Oh, I don't know about that.
Do you know what attracted me to your father?
Tyrannis: His massive farts.
Hippocampus: General lack of cleanliness?
Tyrannis: Constant sex puns? Hippocampus: Complete irresponsibility.
Deliria: Those are all good guesses, but no.
His sense of humor, obviously.
No, I don't think he's particularly funny.
Your father is the most authentic soul in the universe.
He's a man who never hides his feelings
and always shows you exactly who he is.
Now, that's never going to be you, of course. Tyrannis: Of course.
Deliria: But if you can't get out of this fight,
you should at least let Viscera know how you feel.
Wait. Maybe I can tell her how I feel
and get out of the fight.
I can't impress her by standing up to Bloodmouth,
but I can by standing up to the whole dumb ritual.
The whole tradition is wrong.
It's disrespectful to women
because it takes away their choice.
That's the kind of man she's looking for--
someone brave enough to stand up to history.
Hippocampus: I don't know.
I think you're just gonna get that gourd slapped on you.
That speech ain't gonna work.
Tyrannis: No, this will work.
I can feel it in my bones.
Bloodmouth: Mmm, bones.
Priest: We are here today
to perform the Ritual of Rektahl.
Tyrannis: Wait, I... Bloodmouth: Wait!
I have something to say.
Viscera, I need to call this off.
Tyrannis: What? Bloodmouth: I know you're always saying
I'm too traditional.
Maybe I am.
But this tradition doesn't respect women.
And if I'm willing to fight for you,
I should be brave enough to stand up to history.
There will be no Rektahl today
or ever again!
Viscera: Oh, my God.
That is the sexiest thing I've ever heard a man say.
That was my speech. You stole my speech.
Bloodmouth: I did not. I came to this conclusion
after much thought and introspection.
Tyrannis: You stole it.
Bloodmouth: I grew! Is that so hard to believe?
I also forgive my father. He did the best he could.
Priest: Thank you, son. [Cries]
Hippocampus: Son of a bitch. The speech worked.
[Grunting]
You really want to do this?
More than anything. Hyah!
Stupendous: [Grunts]
I'm actually proud of you for that move.
Don't make me like you. Hyah!
Shlub: Ah, there they are--his harem.
I'll occupy them sexually while you subdue the killer.
[Hippopotamus growls]
Stupendous: Listen, before you kill me,
I know what you're going through.
When I was your age, I had a pet bunny that I loved.
We went everywhere together.
One day, this old lady in town cooked her.
That is nothing like losing your father.
Here's how it is.
I vowed to kill that old lady.
Vengeance: But you didn't, and you bonded with her,
and she became like a surrogate bunny to you.
Blah, blah, blah.
Stupendous: Wrong! She stubbed her toe
and died before I could get revenge.
So I took my anger and locked it away in a box.
And it's been poisoning you ever since.
[Yells]
Stupendous: Man, you are bad at guessing.
No, it drives me.
Reminds me of how unfair the world is.
And whenever I need to dig deep
and be my strongest, meanest, most lethal self,
I open up that hate box
and unleash it on whoever I need to.
Vengeance: Wow.
Stupendous: You want to grow up to be like me?
Don't get revenge.
Save it and let it turn you into a fierce killing machine.
[Clang]
Vengeance: I frigging hate you.
Stupendous: You're welcome.
Shlub: I found Mandy and her whole crew.
I held them off as long as I could,
but they like it a little rougher than I.
So, what did I miss here?
Did you kill the man who killed your father?
Stupendous: Nah, he got away.
Wink. Vengeance: Wink.
Let's get back. I'm rather gravely injured.
Shlub: So you're telling me you see them too?
Stupendous: Yep. Saw them the whole time.
Just didn't want to give you the satisfaction.
Hippocampus: Yeah, I see them too.
Shlub: Colin, Marissa, Richard, Gaius,
the Licorice Man, the twins?
Tyrannis: Of course. They're right here.
Help yourself, Colin. There's plenty for all of you.
Hippocampus: Don't be shy. Dig in.
Shlub: So, I was sober the whole time?
Stupendous: Absolutely.
Shlub: And I'm sober now?
Hippocampus: A hundred percent.
Shlub: Well, thank God! I thought I was going mad.
Hippocampus: And we cooked up something real special for you.
Tender lamb shanks braised with red wine
and a garlic caper sauce.
Shlub: Mmm! It smells delicious.
Deliria: Are you trying to trick your father
into eating a plate of poo again?
Stupendous: Mom! It was gonna be so funny.
Deliria: I know it was.
I'm just mad because you didn't invite me.
Colin: [Whines]
I'm real!
I'm real. Damn it, I'm real!
Marissa: Oh, Colin. That dream again?
Shlub: Ready for round three?
Marissa and Colin: [Scream]
Bottle: [Screams] Shlub: [Screams]
[Moans]
Hippocampus: [Sighs]
Lettuce.
Don't be a Shlub.
Salads kill.
♪
Dan: Did you get any of that?
- Bento. [People cheering]