TYRANNIS: I can't believe these new pedal machines.
And you named them after yourself, you say?
What was your name? Bichael?
BICHAEL: Bichael was my father's name.
Call me Bikey.
But that's a three-person bikey.
Sad onlys are over there.
TYRANNIS: I'm not an only. I'm waiting for some people.
BICHAEL: Oh, you sure they're gonna show?
TYRANNIS: What? I...Yeah, it's my brother and sister.
We have plans.
BICHAEL: Not all siblings get along.
TYRANNIS: OK, Bikey, well, we do, as it happens,
so thank you for the weird, unsolicited advice,
but I'll be going with this three-seater.
BICHAEL: Oh, it's just that part of my job
is helping people face the fact that their loved ones
don't really love them as much as they think.
TYRANNIS: What is going on? I don't under--
What is this conversation? Why? Oh.
Oh, thank God. Here they come.
Bikey, you've been absolutely awful.
ZAN: Sorry we're late, Ty.
TYRANNIS: You know, this guy actually had me worried
for a second that you guys weren't gonna...
Oh, what the hell?
STUPENDOUS: [Chuckles]
Stop!
TYRANNIS: You sent doubles? Seriously?
STUPENDOUS: Aw, man, how'd you figure it out?
TYRANNIS: How did I...
A man who's basically your stalker and pretends
to be you for some weird reason?
ZAN: None taken.
TYRANNIS: And some unholy monster version of you
that doesn't even know language?
HIPPO 2: [Babbles]
HIPPOCAMPUS: This one was supposed to.
Guess now it'll be food for the others.
TYRANNIS: You know, if you didn't want to hang,
you could've just told me.
I was humiliated in front of Bikey.
STUPENDOUS: We've just been busy.
HIPPOCAMPUS: If we had all the time in the world,
we'd hang out all day, erryday.
Don't take it personally.
Of course I take it personally! I thought we were close.
We are.
I mean, look, I sent Hippo 2
on a camping trip with Dad last week,
and Dad told him he loved him.
Tell you what, I promise to make time for...
My alarm! The blood is gonna curdle.
STUPENDOUS: Oh, no! That means I'm late for ditch digging.
Everyone knows you can't ditch digging.
Ditch ditch...Digging ditches.
HIPPO 2: [Babbles]
TYRANNIS: I love you too.
♪
NEWSIE: Extra! Extra!
Sparta's secret to super-strength:
Number three will blow your mind!
Soldiers inside your horse?
It's more likely than you think.
Real Sirens in your area want to have sex with you!
Hey, stop that. You're making a mess.
NEWSIE: It's called breaking news for a reason.
TYRANNIS: Well, break it somewhere else. I'm sulking here.
NEWSIE: Royal flush!
Princely sibling dynamics are down the pooper!
This is a private matter, and it's not even true,
and I'm working on it. Why is it news?
Ow! Enough!
NEWSIE: It's called targeted advertising for a reason.
TYRANNIS: What is this?
NEWSIE: Nike's Trial of the Triads!
Goddess of Victory's contest where groups of three
can earn fame, glory, and a spot
among the greatest trios of all time! Enter now!
TYRANNIS: Fame and glory? What's the catch?
NEWSIE: Get full access to the rest of this vase
for just one fish per month!
TYRANNIS: Per month?
NEWSIE: You get a free tote bag.
DELIRIA: How many times have I told you
I don't like to chew my wine?
SCOTT: Ah! DELIRIA: And where is Shlub?
If I complain all morning, but my husband
wasn't there to hear it,
did I even complain?
SHLUB: Right here, my love.
I heard and I agree.
DELIRIA: Why are you dressed like a wee little lad?
SHLUB: Because this wee little lad
has to go to the theater.
The Rhapsodes are in town.
DELIRIA: The who? SHLUB: The Rhapsodes.
They're a very popular theater troupe,
beloved by the thousands.
DELIRIA: I thought you hated theater.
SHLUB: Ah, well, it's city business.
I'm obliged to go, and I didn't want
to bother you with all the hullabaloo.
DELIRIA: And you two are going together?
VISCERA: Oh, Deliria, it's not like that.
I'll just be there for Shlub to whisper loudly
at when he's confused about who's who
and what just happened, even when we have
the same amount of information.
DELIRIA: Oh, I don't care about that.
He knows he can have sex with whomever he wants.
I'm just trying to understand why you're taking her
as your date to this nonsense,
and I'm just supposed to, what, sit here alone
with this one, who keeps feeding me
non-alcoholic wine nuggets?
SHLUB: My love, the theater is all about the expression
of human emotion, so they like to keep it
a God-free zone.
But don't worry, you won't be missing a thing.
Viscera, shall we?
Something's not right.
I knew you'd notice!
I'm sorry for blubbering like this.
I've just been... DELIRIA: Not with you.
With Shlub.
He doesn't want me at that show,
and I'm trying to figure out why.
Scott, suck that weakness juice back into your eyes.
We're going to the theater.
Back into your eyes, I said!
SCOTT: [Whimpers]
TYRANNIS: Listen up, I have an announcement.
HIPPOCAMPUS: Ah! STUPENDOUS: Aw, hell yeah!
Shard fight!
No, no, it was a metaphor.
This is our shattered relationship.
STUPENDOUS: You had to break a vase for that?
HIPPOCAMPUS: Seems expensive.
Don't focus on the vase.
Focus on the fact that our relationship,
like this vase, is broken.
Well, yeah. Being busy sucks!
We used to do all sorts of stuff,
but now it's all, "Stupe, clean your sword,"
"Stupe, you have to actually feed your soldiers."
I'm exhausted.
Which is why I signed us up for...
the Trial of the Triads.
STUPENDOUS: The Tri-Tri?
Oh, you've heard of it?
STUPENDOUS: That crazy contest sponsored by Nike?
HIPPOCAMPUS: Do you mean Nike the Goddess?
STUPENDOUS: Of course I mean Nike the Goddess.
There's no other meaning of the word Nike
in this context.
HIPPOCAMPUS: I know.
I just wanted to clarify, when we talk about Nike,
we mean Nike the Goddess.
STUPENDOUS: Swoosh, you got it.
TYRANNIS: I say, let's just do it.
It'll be good for us. We'll win Nike's,
Nike the Goddesses, competition,
we'll get closer, and you guys, we could become
an actual famous trio.
Look who else has won this thing.
The Fates, the Furies,
those three guys who live in the mud.
HIPPOCAMPUS: This is how the Mud Brothers became famous?
We could be the next Mud Brothers?
Yes. You in?
STUPENDOUS: You bet your weird little knees we're in.
TYRANNIS: Yes. "Siblings" on three.
One, two.
What about the stuff we have to do?
Remember, we're booked and busy.
TYRANNIS: Well, I have that taken care of.
ZAN: I will redeem myself, Stupendous.
HIPPOCAMPUS: What about you? Didn't you have to clean the boat today?
TYRANNIS: You guys aren't the only ones with doubles.
Remember Cyrus?
Poop deck, poop deck, scrubbing down the poop deck.
HIPPOCAMPUS: Uh, no.
STUPENDOUS: I don't really remember that much stuff.
TYRANNIS: Doesn't matter. Three!
STUPENDOUS: This is gonna be easy.
No trio can match us for strength, wits,
and...um... TYRANNIS: Let's just move on.
Pretend you never started the sentence.
Better for all of us.
So what do you think it's gonna be?
Just some standard bonding tests?
Three-legged race? Trust falls?
Drinking water upside down while singing?
TYRANNIS: I think that's hiccups.
STUPENDOUS: If I know Nike, the goddess,
it's gonna be way harder than that.
I bet there's gonna be some challenge
where we're on a rope bridge with not enough planks
and we're swinging precariously over a river.
TYRANNIS: Wait, what now?
NIKE: Contenders!
Welcome to the trial of the triads.
I am, of course, Nike, goddess of victory.
[Chuckles]
Cool, no applause?
Noted, dicks.
You are here to complete a series of tests
that will try your wit, strength, and tenacity.
STUPENDOUS: Tenacity, that's what you've got.
TYRANNIS: Do you even know what that means?
STUPENDOUS: Nope. HIPPOCAMPUS: So, who are we up against?
STUPENDOUS: Yeah, where's the other three
soon-to-get-beaten-up guys?
Oh, you've misunderstood.
It's not you against another trio.
It's you against each other.
TYRANNIS: Tenacity, tenacity, tenacity, tenacity, tenacity.
DELIRIA: This is where we sit, perched on logs
like a beaver or a poor?
SCOTT: It's immersive.
By sitting on a log, you bring yourself
closer to the experience.
DELIRIA: The experience of getting our bottoms dirty?
[Screams] CAT PERSON: Please be quiet.
We're about to begin.
Prr! SCOTT: [Laughs]
MANGELA: Another sad morning in the life of me,
Samuel, a poor person with a tragic past.
DELIRIA: Oh, this is going to be quite bad, isn't it?
Poor Shlub will be bored out of his mind.
Why did he even come?
He never feels compelled to do city business.
MANGELA: Now I am Samuel's wife.
EVERYONE: Oh!
DELIRIA: Is he under a spell? Are these people wizards?
SCOTT: I don't think so?
DELIRIA: Well, they're certainly not actors.
Have they found some kind of torture
that he doesn't like?
That's truly my best guess here.
MANGELA: Hey, daughter named Penelope.
Be careful in the water.
What do you think you are, some kind of fish?
[Laughter]
DELIRIA: He can't possibly be enjoying this.
SCOTT: [Screams] CAT PERSON: Excuse me, ma'am.
You're distracting the actors.
DELIRIA: Well, they're distracting me.
And you're out of character.
Shouldn't you have said "hiss-tracting" the "act-purrs"?
CAT PERSON: I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
"Purr" our policy.
DELIRIA: Oh, now with the purrs.
CAT PERSON: It made more sense!
DELIRIA: Is "sense" supposed to be something
being made in this farce-if-it's-a-drama,
catastrophe-if-it's-a-comedy, you can't even tell which?
SHLUB: Deliria?
DELIRIA: Uh, no.
I'm a human woman who grows my own hair
on my own scalp.
SHLUB: Deliria, what are you doing here?
DELIRIA: Trying to figure out what you're doing here.
I saw you laughing, surely as a form of mockery.
In which case, why would you leave me out?
You know I love to mock the efforts of others.
And don't say it's a God-free zone,
there's no such thing.
SHLUB: All right, I was just trying to spare you
because I knew you'd hate it.
DELIRIA: Of course I hate it!
SHLUB: Because I also knew you wouldn't really get it.
DELIRIA: I beg your pardon?
SHLUB: I mean you wouldn't like it.
DELIRIA: You said "get."
SHLUB: Darling, the whole thing is
about human emotion, vulnerability,
about both of which you've taken
a rather consistently dim view.
DELIRIA: Nonsense. Give me one example.
SHLUB: All right, off the top of my head.
You once asked, if they can die, what are they waiting for?
DELIRIA: A perfectly valid point.
They're wasting everyone's time.
Well, guess what? You think I wouldn't get it.
Well, I will get it.
I'll get the hell out of it.
Viscera, you're released.
VISCERA: Oh, man. This is my day off.
I don't want to miss the part where they stink the audience.
I heard the first five rows are guaranteed to get stunk.
SCOTT: You can come sit with me.
Your stinking awaits.
The Scott and Viscera will-they-won't-they continues!
NIKE: These high-key genius challenges are designed
to tear you apart by tearing each other down.
TYRANNIS: I don't understand. I thought this was just a competition.
Why does she want to tear us apart?
STUPENDOUS: You know, I heard her siblings
formed a trio without her.
I guess instead of wondering, maybe it's me,
she just decided she hates the concept of trios?
I can hear you. And you're wrong!
This has nothing to do with my backstabbing siblings.
I'm a goddess of competition.
I like competitions.
I put a lot of work into this. Shut up!
For each challenge you complete, you get a point.
Complete enough challenges, and you shall pass my trials.
Challenge number one.
For this puzzle, you must decide who is the ugly one.
TYRANNIS: Yay! STUPENDOUS: Yay!
Pin the blame on Mom's favorite!
STUPENDOUS: [Shouts]
[Bell chimes]
NIKE: Plan a group vacation!
Rank each other's exes!
Discuss your father's final days
and who will care for him!
[Crying]
[Bell chiming]
Oh, what the hell? Why are you guys not fighting?
You should be at each other's throats by now.
HIPPOCAMPUS: Oh, is that what this is?
Hate to tell you, that's probably not gonna work.
STUPENDOUS: We've spent our whole lives
fighting each other like this.
TYRANNIS: Yeah, if this is your plan,
we're gonna win this thing in no time.
I guess we are a strong trio.
STUPENDOUS: Either that, or she's a bad goddess of competition.
No wonder Zelus, Kratos, and Bia threed-up without her.
TYRANNIS: Zelus, Kratos, and Bia?
They're not gods, they're personifications.
HIPPOCAMPUS: Wait, are you not a goddess?
STUPENDOUS: She's a personification!
[Laughter]
That is it.
STUPENDOUS: Called it.
MANGELA: And now for the serious part.
This is a comedy and a drama.
It's a camorama!
[Groans] I am despondent.
Some stuff was pretty funny,
but ultimately my daughter did drown,
and that makes me sad.
DELIRIA: Sadness? I'm not sure if I get it.
Kidding. Of course, sadness is a human emotion,
one of the most famous, following along just fine.
MANGELA: I am an old man now.
DELIRIA: What? What happened to the younger man?
Kidding again!
Because, of course, I'm beyond familiar
with the human experience and how people...olden.
Would you stop?
You're distracting everyone, including me, most importantly.
SHLUB: Deliria, dear, you're ruining the play.
DELIRIA: I don't know
that one can ruin something like this.
SHLUB: Well, if that's how you feel,
why don't we just leave?
I'll come back on my own.
Maybe I don't want to leave.
[Gasping]
Or maybe I feel I was left by you.
[Gasp]
NIKE: All right, so you're good at tearing each other down.
But can you build each other up?
In this trial, you must work together
to build this bridge.
Oh, oh my God, wait.
It's a metaphor, kind of, and I don't even realize.
I'm so good!
The only way to make the planks appear
is by giving each other compliments.
TYRANNIS: OK.
NIKE: Genuine compliments. HIPPOCAMPUS: Oh, no.
Let the final challenge begin!
OK, somebody say something.
HIPPOCAMPUS: Right, OK. Ty, you are...
the youngest.
That's not a compliment. That's just a fact.
STUPENDOUS: OK, don't rub our faces in it.
TYRANNIS: OK, look, a compliment is easy, right?
Stupe, you are very smart, which people don't always know
from looking at you.
What? That was genuine.
HIPPOCAMPUS: No, you idiot. You qualified it.
STUPENDOUS: Oh, come on.
A compliment is just something that sounds nice.
Look, Ty, you're stronger than me.
You don't believe that.
That's what genuine means? We're screwed!
[Shouting]
DELIRIA: I thought we loved the same things,
like rearranging the furniture on our son's houseboat
while he's asleep,
or skipping Scott like a rock on the lake.
But now I find you feel we're out of sync.
You think I don't get emotion.
Well, maybe you're the one who doesn't get my emotions.
What about my emotions, Shlub?
SHLUB: What's going on?
DELIRIA: Don't you see?
It's not that I don't understand human feeling
or I can't appreciate acting.
I just have a little trouble with...
terrible theater by talentless hacks.
Yes, queen!
DELIRIA: That's goddess queen to you.
MANGELA: Oh, you are a huge bitch. I love it.
DELIRIA: You're also a huge bitch.
Remains to be seen if I love it, though.
MANGELA: If you're willing, I would love to hear your notes.
Drinks?
DELIRIA: You had me at "hear my notes."
And also "drinks."
TYRANNIS: We're alive!
STUPENDOUS: But at what cost?
We're losers!
NIKE: Well, well, well.
How the mighty fall.
Now you see what I've known all along.
Trios can never last.
And siblings suck!
So now, since dealing with you all was pure torture,
instead of letting you all free like the others,
I'm feeling a little torturous myself.
TYRANNIS: Please don't do this. We're sorry.
HIPPOCAMPUS: We? You're the one who dragged us into this thing.
Now we're gonna be eaten
by an eagle for eternity or something!
TYRANNIS: Dragged you?
You were nearly begging for a vacation.
And it's clear that I'm the only one
interested in preserving the relationship
now that we don't live together.
STUPENDOUS: We had stuff to do!
Sorry we can't all be boat guys now.
TYRANNIS: Oh, what is it exactly that you do, Stupe?
[All talk at once]
NIKE: Enough! Though the sounds of a trio bickering
is like music to my ears,
it's time for the ultimate punishment.
It's something I thought up all on my own,
and it's really sick.
I got a little time stick from my pal Chronos,
and you three will now spend
the next hundred years...
trapped with each other.
TYRANNIS: A hundred years? HIPPOCAMPUS: You can't do this!
STUPENDOUS: Oh, man. This is gonna suck!
[Shouting]
MANGELA: You are mothering so hard right now,
I want you to step on my throat.
DELIRIA: Darling, what took you so long?
SHLUB: The rest of the cast tried to cobble together
a brand-new ending, but the writer quit,
so it's just devolved into something
they're calling improv.
WIFE: Can I get a suggestion? SHLUB: Not now!
WIFE: I heard a "restaurant!"
ACTOR POSEIDON: Hi, welcome to my restaurant.
WIFE: Yes, and welcome to my restaurant!
DELIRIA: Darling, you thought I wouldn't get theater,
but it turns out I get it so much,
they're asking me for notes.
I invented notes.
MANGELA: And I invented saying I'm OK with hearing it,
even when quietly, I'm not.
I'm gonna get us more drinks.
Isn't he great?
He says he and his friends all gather around each week
and watch their town's local housewives
bicker with each other. I'm invited next week.
SHLUB: Well, I'm thrilled you found a way
to enjoy yourself, but I have to tell you,
I didn't.
What? Why not?
I'm making this awful thing better.
Well, I didn't think it was awful,
and I've been trying to see them for a long time,
and now I'll never see
the last eight hours of the show.
DELIRIA: You actually like this?
Not ironically? Not guilty pleasure-like?
SHLUB: You know I don't feel guilt.
I only feel pleasure.
DELIRIA: Why didn't you just tell me?
SHLUB: If I told you, you'd have done the same thing.
DELIRIA: Probably, yes. So you want to just watch this,
and I'm not allowed to say anything or make it better?
SHLUB: That's about right.
DELIRIA: Fine, but let's agree to find another thing
for us to hate together.
SHLUB: I'd like that.
Mother Queen Goddess, where are you?
You're gonna become my whole personality, bitch.
NIKE: How was that? Only 99 more years to go.
Oh, begging for sweet release already?
STUPENDOUS: No! This is a thank you hug.
HIPPOCAMPUS: Oh, shoot. Was that a year already?
NIKE: What is going on?
You're supposed to be trying to kill each other.
TYRANNIS: Well, I mean, we were.
The first month, we barely talked to each other.
Then the next few months, we resolved
and worked through the roots of some of our conflicts.
HIPPOCAMPUS: We came to terms with the fact
that we're going to get closer and further every now and then.
That's OK.
STUPENDOUS: Oh, and then the next two months,
we spent on Mom stuff.
HIPPOCAMPUS: Could have used three.
STUPENDOUS: Oh, then we made a dance!
Show her the dance. Show her the dance.
TYRANNIS: Oh, yeah, do the dance.
[Grunting]
No, no, no, no, no!
STUPENDOUS: It took Hippo a while,
but we had time to teach him.
TYRANNIS: So, thank you, Nike.
It's kind of why we came here in the first place.
If we had all the time in the world
we'd hang all day.
All we were really missing was time,
and you gave us that.
NIKE: You were supposed to fall apart
and then go insane, like...
like I did with my siblings.
STUPENDOUS: Oh, we talked about you, too.
NIKE: You...You did? STUPENDOUS: Oh, yeah.
HIPPOCAMPUS: How about you end these games,
let us out of this,
and we'll show you what siblingship
could really look like?
NIKE: You mean the four of us?
I always thought four was better than three.
TYRANNIS: Yeah, we gathered.
HIPPOCAMPUS: If you want to hang out with somebody,
you have to ask. STUPENDOUS: Nike,
have you ever been on a bikey?
I guess if I'm being honest,
I was always kind of ashamed of being a personification.
My siblings never had a problem with it.
Maybe I'm the one who drove them away.
HIPPO 2: [Gargles]
NIKE: No, exactly!
That's what I'm saying!
TYRANNIS: Wow, I can't believe that worked.
STUPENDOUS: Sorry again for sending our doubles
to hang out with you.
TYRANNIS: Water under a metaphorical bridge.
I'm just happy we were finally able
to have the bonding time we needed.
HIPPOCAMPUS: So, is this all adulthood
really boils down to?
Making plans and committing to them?
TYRANNIS: Seems like it.
Speaking of, when are we hanging out next?
STUPENDOUS: I'm booked next week.
TYRANNIS: The week after? STUPENDOUS: Destination wedding.
TYRANNIS: What about the next week?
STUPENDOUS: Destination funeral.
TYRANNIS: Oh, I'm slammed after that.
What about springtime?
STUPENDOUS: I think I have nights free?
Oh, no, that's when my murder club starts.
TYRANNIS: Well, we know you want to do it,
and that's a start.
Can you just say yes to that? I mean...
STUPENDOUS: Yes! HIPPOCAMPUS: You got it, bro.
TYRANNIS: You getting this, newsie?
NEWSIE: Yep! Pathetic brother
still trying to get his siblings to--
[clay object breaks]
SHLUB: You got the stuff?
DELIRIA: Oh, I always have the stuff.
The real question is, can you afford it?
SHLUB: Depends. Are we talking gold
or personal favors?
DELIRIA: Oh, uh, just gold should do the trick.
Just the one love potion? SHLUB: Yes, please.
Well, don't you want to know what it's for?
DELIRIA: What's it for?
SHLUB: I'm trying to make my pet iguana fall
in love with me at this year's cack carnival.
Oh, brother.
Why aren't you laughing?
VISCERA: Did I miss the joke part?
I just don't really understand.
SCOTT: Are we prisoners? DELIRIA: Yes, you are.
Now give me a non-geographical location.
SCOTT: Can I go to the bathroom?
DELIRIA: I heard bathroom.
SHLUB: Hello, welcome to the bathroom
at the cack carnival.
I can't believe
you would have sex with my mother.
DELIRIA: Yes, and I can't believe you are my father.
DELIRIA: I... SHLUB: ...love...
...sandwiches.
Zip. SHLUB: Zap.
DELIRIA: Zup. SHLUB: Zip.
SCOTT: Is this even a scene?
It seems like a warm-up game.
DELIRIA: Zap!
And scene.
VISCERA: Yay! Oh, brilliant.
Wow. Yay, hilarious.
[Chuckles]
OK, wow.
MAN: Did you get any of that?
MAN: Bento.