Remember, lift with the back.
And if you're carrying something sharp,
make sure you run
to minimize the amount of time you're holding it.
Safety is no accident, people!
What the...
I thought I slashed the palace remodeling budget.
Oh, we're not renovating,
though a nice fresco would bring the room together.
We're preparing for the loudest, most dangerous,
and unsettling day of the year:
my parents' anniversary.
What's so unsettling about that?
They have loud sex, don't they? Not just loud.
See, they get each other spectacular gifts,
which gets them so worked up
that the sex becomes dangerous for the city.
Yeah. Last year, they love-made so big,
it caused an earthquake that destroyed half the palace.
I can still hear their screams of pleasure
in my nightmares.
Time for the big day!
So, what's the plan this year?
Orgy parade, cock carnival, turning yourself into an octopus
so you and Mum can... Why am I pitching on this?
Whatever do you mean?
Did I count wrong?
Is today not your and Mum's anniversary?
No, that only comes once a year,
which is exactly how long it takes the spank marks
from last year's anniversary to go away.
How could I have forgotten?
You've been asking too much of me!
The only thing I've asked you to do
in the past month is take a bath.
And now I smell phenomenal.
It's thrown me completely off.
Wait, if you forgot, then why'd you say,
"time for the big day"?
Because it's always the big day when you're the big dog.
If your mother finds out that I didn't plan anything,
she'll kill me.
Or worse, not give me my anniversary spanks.
Then, how will I remember for next year?
This is a snowballing disaster.
Is there a chance your mother forgot as well?
Time for the big day!
Because you're the big dog or...
Happy anniversary, Shlub.
Yes!
Just a little further.
If the gift is the blindfold itself,
that would be enough for me. Oh, don't be silly.
When have our anniversary gifts been anything short of grandiose
and increasingly hard to outdo?
That is the spirit of the holiday, yes.
Now, look up.
Nyx, we're ready!
Called in a favor from the goddess of night
so you could see the gift.
I get older.
The days get shorter.
You made me a comet!
It wasn't easy, shaping a giant, dirty snowball in your image
and flinging it out into space
so that it only appears once every year on our anniversary,
but I think it turned out rather well.
Look at my haunches.
They're literally glowing!
And I hope they're ready
for a spanking later.
Thank you, darling. It's amazing.
And now, I await your gift
with near-impossible expectations,
knowing that this time it needs to be fitting
for a wife, goddess and a queen.
Yes, you won't be disappointed.
OK, thanks, hun. We're good.
Well, back to the grind.
I'm calling them toe-gas.
Like togas, but for toes.
Guess it's still the same word.
Anyway, they keep your feet warm.
And smelly.
Count me in!
Daphne broke up with me.
Oh, no! That little wood nymph?
She said we weren't right for each other
and refused to elaborate!
She cut off all discussion on the matter
after only, like, 3 hours!
What's that thing Hippo likes being?
Rational? Yeah.
He's not even trying to do that.
I don't think he's OK.
You know what? Foot fashion can wait.
Let's pull our brother out of these dumps.
What do you want me to do,
Act all friendly, glad-hand party guy
and show him a good time?
Spend the whole night drinking and shenaniganning?
I mean, I got nothing against the nans.
I'm just saying.
It might take a little more than that
to cheer this guy up.
Get out of my way!
I'm absolutely screwed if I don't find
a mind-blowing gift for your mother
in this chest of magical wonders.
This is nothing.
Genie in a lamp.
Too tacky.
I've found it!
There's got to be a shorter way to say that.
Did he say genie in a lamp?
Happy anniversary, Deliria!
A stick?
You shouldn't have.
It's not just any stick.
It's a time travel stick.
Chronos gave it to me as a thank you
for being his wingman
during something called "the Crusades"?
Bloody time. But lots of zealous hotties.
Anyway, it's good for one round trip
to a time of our choosing.
Oh, time travel.
Seems a little impersonal, but I suppose...
I wasn't finished.
I am going to use this stick to take us to...
...our very first anniversary.
Well, I'm excited to see
where you're going with this.
Uh, yes, Because, of course,
there is a whole fully-wrought plan
of which this magical visit to our former selves
is but a small part.
What then? Do we join them?
Well, technically, we mustn't interact.
Chronos was clear this is more of a look-don't-touch situation.
But what kind of a gift would it be
if it didn't involve a little rule-breaking?
Hello, there.
Now, this is going to be hard for you
to wrap your heads around, but...
You're us from the future.
Bring it in. Drink with us.
Behold! I am here to grant your heart's desires!
And maybe make some friends along the way?
The rules are simple.
Yeah, yeah, we don't need the rules.
We've been to a genie before.
Just, everybody, remember to be careful.
These guys are notoriously tricky
and love to mess up wishes.
Oh, no, no, no, not me.
No, that is not how I operate at all.
I really focus much less on the letter of the wish
than the spirit. Sure.
It's true! I've been in the vase 2,000 years!
I'm not gonna blow a chance to make new friends.
All right.
Our goal here is to help our brother.
I don't need help. I got a genie.
Yeah, that's the spirit.
Wait, you're not gonna make Daphne
want you back or anything creepy like that.
Of course not. I'm not a psycho.
Or not that kind of psycho.
Daphne said we weren't right for each other.
There you go, yes.
Which means there's something wrong with me.
Exactly! Wait, no, what?
So, one year in, how are things going
between the younger us?
Oh, it's been divine.
Volatile, passionate, constant drama.
On a vase, we're wildly incompatible.
She's a god, I'm a monster.
She's ageless, I'm basically a baby to her.
She likes peanuts, I can't get on with the shells.
But that's what makes a relationship so exciting.
Our love did start out pretty messy and hot, didn't it?
In fact, it's good you came.
Things have been feeling a little too comfortable,
too dull between us.
Am I thinking what I'm thinking?
Well, I certainly hope so.
What would you say to a little Shlub swap?
I spend the day with your Deliria,
and you spend the day with mine.
The only rule, no rules.
I'd never turn down
a little temporal swinging. Or would I?
No, that stays constant.
Oh, it's settled, then.
We swap our Shlubs for the day, and we can rendezvous
at this big Olympus party tonight
as each other's dates.
Oh, Shlub, you've really topped yourself this year.
Not yet, I haven't. But there's no time for that.
Let the Shlub swap commence.
Oh, that was incredible.
What is that thing you did with your tongue?
My Shlub can't do that.
The double-jointed tongue
isn't the only trick I've picked up.
And future me gets to experience that
all the time?
Absolutely. I've upgraded in many ways.
I hope my Deliria can get past
the awful bachelor cave I used to live in.
Incredible.
I truly forgot how taut your skin was.
And your filthy bachelor cave only adds to the thrill.
There's no way my future self
is enjoying this as much as I am.
I love ceiling sex!
I love sex on a bear!
I love sex in a jar!
I love this pattern.
These would make great curtains.
What a perfect anniversary.
I'm glad to hear you say it.
Although anniversaries aren't the most important thing.
You could, say, forget one...
You could,
but if my Shlub actually did that,
I would consider it a betrayal of Zeusian proportions.
Of course. One which, if confessed...
Would result in absolute catastrophe.
My rage would have no limit.
Why do you ask? No reason.
Shall we go again?
What to change? What to change?
I could give myself photosynthesis.
Second row of teeth, stickier mucus.
Hippo, you are perfect exactly the way you are.
Oh, OK. So, hold on.
My super-hot assassin-nymph girlfriend
said I'm not right.
But my half-virgin brother says I'm perfect.
I'm not a virgin! You're virgin-ish.
You're virgin-esque.
I'm not any of those things.
Maybe virgin-adjacent.
But as someone who also dated Daphne, by the way--
You kissed once!
And wasn't she trying to assassinate you?
OK, whatever you want to call
what happened between me and Daphne--
Nothing! Assassination attempt.
You know, you're not helping.
I'm just saying, I've had my share of heartbreaks, OK?
Before you change anything, give me a chance
to prove that you're not the problem.
You just need a little cheering up.
You know what helped when Demeter and I broke up?
The fact that you dated for one day
and Mom broke up with her for you?
No, I treated myself.
So, Genie, I wish we had a bottle of nice wine.
The kind of wine made from grapes,
not the sound Ty makes when his toga rides up.
OK, let me be more specific.
It's really not necessary.
I make a lovely red.
New wish. That's fine, too.
And you know what? You can call me Zenobius.
That's my name.
Genie, I wish Hippo was getting pampered.
Pampered!
Got to watch out for those near rhymes.
Don't want Hippo getting trampled or gram-pulled.
What is gram-pulled?
When your grandpa shows up
and pulls your intestines out of your butt.
Well, I think we can all agree
that the Shlub-swap was a success.
And Chronos said this would be bad.
I've never had more consequence-free sex
in my life.
Shlub, what an amazing gift.
And to top it all off with a huge party
on Mount Olympus.
However did you arrange it all?
An entire year of single-minded preparation,
my dear. Fantastic.
So thoughtful.
Yes. So what's next?
Next? Yes,
where does it go from here? From?
I mean, you've been diligently planning it
for an entire year, so what's the big finale?
Finale?
I'll tell you what the big finale is.
It's me revealing I know you didn't plan any of this.
You've been making it up as you go.
Admit it, you forgot our anniversary.
Absolutely not.
The finale is, all at the same time,
every volcano in the world will erupt,
painting a picture of you in the sky made of lava.
And it happens right...
now.
I was hoping maybe I planned that
during a blackout.
So, are you feeling better
about the breakup?
No. No? Why not?
Because I'm still me, Ty.
Oh, come on.
You know what? We did things your way.
Genie, I wish I didn't need this stupid ball to breathe
and also that I had a glorious mustache.
Mus-stache.
What word could I even confuse that with?
Oh, I don't know. Moos-stache?
Stoop, we can't let him...
Either way, your wish is my command.
No.
Aw. Well, what can I get you for your last two wishes?
What? Two?
But you said you knew the rules.
Hippo, you're fine as is.
Your only problem is not accepting this.
I need to show her I've changed.
Fine. Let's see how that would go.
We'll role-play it. Genie,
I wish I looked and sounded like Daphne.
What? What?
Well, hello, Hippo.
Ty, what the hell?
Yeah, this is super weird. No, it isn't.
Hippo, just talk to me the way you would...
The way I'd talk to my girlfriend
if I knew she was actually my brother?
No, I mean...
We only have one wish left!
If I were more like Daphne,
I believe our relationship might work.
So, Genie, I wish I was a tree.
What? Don't!
Literally, whatever you want.
Go get her, Hippo.
It's all true. The time travel,
the Shlub swap, all just a desperate attempt
to avoid disappointing you.
Are you contemplating how to punish me
in a way I won't enjoy? That'll be hard,
but I know you can think of something.
Surprisingly, no.
But you said you consider it a betrayal
of Zeusian proportions.
What? I never said that.
Past Deliria did.
Well, of course. Back then, I'd have been furious.
Razed a whole village to the ground to prove it.
But I suppose I no longer feel the need.
I find I'm quite relaxed. Accepting.
How odd.
Relaxed? Accepting?
I can't believe what I'm hearing.
With which part are you struggling?
The part where he forgot your anniversary
and you said, "Oh, I'm done caring
"about whether my husband fears and respects me."
That's a generous paraphrase.
I, too, am rather alarmed.
Could I even love a Deliria
who wouldn't tear me a third one for a mistake like this?
As we all know, I already have two
from a previous tearing incident.
Oh, trust me, the drama gets old
after 1,000 years.
1,000 years?
We're together for 1,000 years?
Next, you're going to tell me you have a tiny child
running around sucking the life out of you.
3, actually. That we know of.
Shlub, I think we should break up.
It was a fun year, but I have no interest
in a relationship where slights and insults
are simply forgiven.
I'd rather be dead.
Couldn't agree more. Breakup accepted.
You can't break up!
What does that even mean for us?
Happy anniversary!
I've never seen a hole that looked more unwelcoming,
and I've seen my fair share.
Perhaps that has something to do
with us meddling with the past.
♪ Fail! ♪
♪ Time travel paradox! ♪
Hi, Chronos, the guy who warned you
not to mess with time.
But it looks like ♪ You messed with time! ♪
Don't let the singing fool you.
I do it when I'm mad,
and I am...
♪ Super pissed! ♪
Care to explain what's going on?
It's simple.
You breaking up in the past
is quite literally causing the fabric of reality
to fall apart.
If you don't stay together, the universe will implode.
Does that exposition expose it enough for you?
But the universe is where I do most of my existing.
And lovemaking.
Call off your perverted little suck hole, Chronos.
Nobody wants to play your stupid games.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! It's not my suck hole,
and this isn't a game.
I'm telling you, everything will end.
OK, why don't you two just get back together
and fix the universe?
I already told you,
I'd rather be dead than end up like this pushover.
I literally cannot emphasize this enough.
Universe ending, bad.
God, we really were an overly dramatic couple
back then. What the hell do we do?
Maybe we just need to show our younger selves
that we can still be dramatic.
Loud, obnoxious fight?
Follow my lead.
Baby, tear me a third one.
Fine. You want the truth?
Why I didn't appear to get mad with you?
It's because I'm always mad at you, Shlub.
I put up with a lot.
Your squeaky hooves, your pee corner,
your other pee corner,
your third pee corner,
your excessive use of the word "opa,"
your hairballs and vice versa.
So why would I be surprised
that I wrote our love in the stars for you
and got nothing in return
but a husband who forgot about the most important day
of the year to me?
OK, I think that's good.
Maybe my past self is right.
Maybe this relationship has made me too soft.
I need some time to think things over.
Devastated animal exit.
Well, the universe had a good run.
♪ Guess we're all gonna die ♪
That was our last wish.
I don't care. I'm going to see Daphne.
The real Daphne.
Can one of you carry me?
Hippo, look at yourself.
You shouldn't have to change this much
to make someone love you.
Oh, God, what have I done?
How am I gonna live as a tree? What do I eat?
How do I poop?
Because, yep, I do not have an anus.
I don't know what that's for.
Maybe a teensy little bird lives there.
You guys were just looking out for me.
Should've listened.
And now you're stuck like this, too.
You know, I could actually probably live with it
if I have to.
I'm sorry.
But, yeah, no, we have to fix this.
I think I speak for all of us when I say
we're just sorry you're going through this,
and you don't have to change for us to love you.
Genie, can't you just slip us
an extra wish to change my brother's back?
I would. I totally would.
But it's against the rules,
and I really need this job.
I have a ton of student debt.
Genie's school is not cheap.
Well, OK, but is it against the rules
to hang out with your friends
before heading back to your vase?
Oh, what the heck.
One drink couldn't hurt.
This has been the best night of my life.
Are you sure you're not the genies?
Because it feels like I'm the one
getting my wishes granted right now.
You're all right, Zenobius.
I'm just worried about Hippo.
What if somebody chops him down or he gets struck by lightning?
Or turn into a chair.
Or he gets wood-rot.
Or a woodworking class uses him to practice cabinets.
Or he gets whittled into the shape of a little boat.
You're right. You know what?
Rules be damned.
Friendship forever.
It was for a teensy bird.
I'm sorry you had to see us fight like that.
Sorry? That was incredible.
I've never seen myself so riled up.
You really let me have it.
Here was I thinking our relationship becomes perfect
and I become boring,
but it's messier than I could have ever imagined.
Look at the resentment I come to harbor!
It's genius, really, pretending things are OK
when actually they're not at all.
Until everything comes out in one giant blow-up.
What could be more dramatic?
Oh, if this is where we're heading,
count me in.
I agree.
Plus, I've never wanted to coitus you so badly
as I do right now.
Well, what are we waiting for?
Well, Chronos, grab a drink?
Wish I could, but I am off to watch
the formation of the Milky Way.
The only way I know, brother.
Oh, I hate you all.
Deliria, I'm so glad you came back.
Just to confirm, though,
you're not actually mad at me, right?
Because you were very convincing.
I might have goosed my reaction
to get the message across.
So, you don't wish you were still
more like the other Deliria?
You mean that dumb bitch
who was willing to dump the monster,
who risked destroying the entire universe
just to make her happy?
Darling, I'd destroy a thousand universes
to make you happy.
Cheers to another wonderful year together.
Just this once. Opa!
Wow, Zenobius, you're such a good genie,
but an even better friend.
So, we're using our last wish
to wish you could stay here with us for all time.
Make sure he knows we mean time,
the concept, not the herb.
We want to make sure we're together forever.
No, you guys!
Are you sure you want to waste your last wish on me?
Waste? We love you, Zenobius.
Then your wish is my command.
Tyrannis?
Stupendous?
Hippocampus?
Hello?
It's OK. They'll be back.
Did you get any of that?
Bento.