[brass fanfare]
- Can you believe we're at hephaestus'
Technology convention?
Are you so excited? - Yeah.
If there's two things smart people love,
It's huge crowds and more smart people.
Is that a giant automaton?
I didn't even know that was possible yet.
- Welcome to volcon.
I am not an automaton.
I am a living giant, painted gold
And forced to repeat this message
By mechanized torture,
Which is arguably more impressive.
Welcome to volcon.
- Ah, I should not have looked up.
- Were they painted gold?
- Someone may have died trying.
Tyrannis, you're happy with my work
As your inventor, right?
You didn't, like, bring me here to show me
How replaceable I am? - That's your take?
How can the smartest guy in my family
Also be the most childish and least secure?
- I don't know, maybe years of you saying stuff like that?
- Hippocampus, you're my big brother
And a genius, and I brought you here
To connect with great thinkers.
So, please, grow up and enjoy it
Because I'm giving you a priceless opportunity.
- Two chickens, please. - Two chick--
I thought this was a priceless opportunity.
- Two adults, two chickens.
- This was our lunch and dinner.
- No outside food or drinks. We do sell eggs.
- Oh, I bet you do.
[plucky music]
♪ ♪
- [crowing]
- [moos]
- Where is everyone?
- Ty and hippo are at a tech convention,
And stupendous is adventuring, leaving their parents
An entire palace for their erotic playground.
- Aren't you, like, 5,000?
How does sex still interest you?
- I married the goddess of it.
- That was a test, and you passed.
Ooh. - Mm.
- I'm in the room. - Why?
- Emergency--I was adventuring with my friend felix,
And we started fighting a medusa.
- The medusa. - What?
- Medusa is one of several gorgons.
You can fight the medusa or a gorgon.
You can't fight a medusa.
- I don't think felix cares.
I need a ride to the nearest temple of athena.
- Why?
- The only way to reverse a medusa stoning is to--
- Gorgon stoning. - Do you want to die today?
- I'll stop helping.
- The only way to reverse this is a sacrifice to athena.
- Ha, you do realize athena created the gorgons,
Which include medusa?
- Thank you. - So?
- So her crappy monster turns people to stone,
And the only way to undo it is to worship her?
Talk about a scam.
- Can we talk about it on the way to the temple?
- I'm not flying my daughter back to that hack's temple
To reverse her clumsy cursing.
I'll turn your friend back to flesh myself.
- You can do that?
- Did she just ask if I can do that?
- She did. - I'm sorry?
- Give me your stupid friend.
You can do that? That's you.
- Can she do it? - Not sure.
[deep plucky music]
- What's your invention, friend?
- A standard unit of measure called the ned.
This stick is a quarter ned.
You are 3 and 1/2 quarter neds. - I suppose you're ned.
- Easy to remember.
- We should use the ned system back home.
- I can measure things with my own height.
- What are you, like, 3/4 ned?
That's a lot of extra calculations
Just to service your vanity.
- I officially hate it here.
- Because you think it's a competition.
You practically attacked the creator
Of the miniature bucket. - It's a cup!
- So?
You know what's more useful than one genius, hippocampus?
100 neds, willing to work together.
- Hey, do not use me as a metric of--
I mean, do use me as a metric, but--
- I was right.
You brought me here because you think I'm useless.
- I never said that.
But have you ever invented anything
That anyone actually asked for?
- That wouldn't be very inventive, would it?
[laughter]
- Must be nice.
Ned, where's the hephaestus panel happening?
- It's about 30 stevens south--
Neds, 30 neds.
- Did you say 30 stevens?
- Slip of the tongue-- 30 neds.
- Who's steven? - Exactly.
- Ma, can I just have my friend back?
I'm coming in. She bailed.
- That's not like her. - Yes, it is.
- Fair enough.
- Someone open this door, please.
Thank you.
But if you're going to be in here, cover your eye.
- Is that the medusa? - Not for long.
- [hissing]
- Yes, darling, get over yourself.
You are henceforth, "reversadusa."
- [hissing]
- Easy, girl, easy. - What's a "reversadusa"?
- I think it's self-explanatory.
Turn the statue to look at her. Hey. Hey. Here.
Psst. Over here, here, honey.
Ah, hmm. Should have seen that coming.
- Did it work? - I have a process.
- Hello, volcon! I'm chris hardwick.
I'm moderating this panel and, due to a curse,
All panels until the end of time.
But hey, you didn't sleep outside on the gravel
For a month to hear my story.
You waited to see the god of making stuff,
The father of forges, the master of metal,
Hephaestus!
[triumphant orchestral music]
♪ ♪
- Huh? Huh? Pretty cool.
- Whatever.
- Let them hear you, guys.
Oh, hephaestus, where is your hammer?
Oh, no, everyone, hephaestus doesn't seem
To have his-- oh, wait a minute.
What is happening right now? Oh, my gods!
[cheers and applause]
Come on!
[laughs] wow!
That is why you come to volcon, folks.
It ain't for the eggs.
Hephaestus, what are you working on these days?
- I'm making a new hat for hermes with smaller wings.
- Pfft. - Don't do that.
- Don't tell me what to do.
- And I'm working on a chariot for apollo, the sun god.
- What's apollo like? - Hot, chris.
- [laughs] - pfft.
- I'm sorry, someone keeps making a very critical,
Unimpressed, pfft sound. - It's a tech convention.
You know, half the audience just breathes weird.
- I think it was that guy there,
The guy with the glass helmet. - It's okay.
He's my brother, and he's non-verbal.
- That's not true.
- More of a half-brother, really.
- Why are you using your talent to make toys and trinkets
For a bunch of royal normies
That are never gonna respect you?
- I've never met this man in my life.
- Oh, you're expert on respect, are you?
Should I respect you more than all these other fans
Because, why, because you're more jaded?
Less polite?
- Because I picked the lock you made for prometheus.
[audience gasps]
- What the--? - How'd you make this?
- It's complicated. - What's your name?
- Hippocampus. - That is a stupid name.
But guys like us have to work with what we're given.
This is my new friend, hippocampus the great.
[cheers and applause]
- That's my brother.
- Oh, my goodness. - Yeah.
Hey, I'll see you guys there.
I'm going on a tour of hephaestus' volcano.
- Is that a plus-one situation?
- I could ask.
I just don't want to seem rude or unprofessional though.
- Right, not anymore.
I'll just go wait on the boat
And fondly remember my two chickens.
- You mad? - No, I'm happy for you.
- You did want me to connect with great thinkers.
Speaking of, there's this girl--
She wants to have lunch.
She has an idea called paper.
It's like foldable clay. - I'd love to meet her.
- Oh, well, it's a creative thing.
- Yeah, like the volcano tour. - Priceless opportunities.
I'll meet you at the boat.
- I'll be there, probably.
Paper sounds stupid. I hope the volcano erupts.
Oh--ooh. - Do not look at my balls.
- Sorry. Sorry.
- No, wait. Wait. Please, please!
- Shlub, you're the only one she's gonna listen to.
- Yes, because she trusts me. - Yes.
So tell her to let this go so I can take felix to athena.
- Then she'll stop trusting me.
- I don't think you know what trust is.
- Well, in strict terms, it's a belief in reliability,
As one might trust a wall to hold a ceiling.
Interpersonally, it's knowing another
Has your best interests at heart.
- Okay, maybe you do know what it is.
But I also think you're just scared to say stuff
She doesn't want to hear. - A fine distinction.
Let's discuss it over a drink while your mother
Does whatever she wants and trusts me to support it.
- Or-- - or what?
- Just sit still, please!
- [screams] help us.
- What? You can't sculpt without clay.
Oh, I thought I had at that time.
Don't worry. It's all part of the process.
Trust the process.
- Such a cool workshop.
- It actually used to be a volcano.
- Hard to believe.
Aren't you gonna ask how I picked your lock?
- You turned the third cylinder.
I designed it that way.
- Who designs a lock to be picked?
- Come here.
You know, I was also born with certain challenges.
- No offense, heph, I can't breathe or walk.
But I will allow the comparison.
- When I was born, my parents threw me away.
I don't mean that figuratively.
My dad could throw, you know?
He threw lightning for a living.
I went... [whistling]
Far. - That sucks.
- Glad it happened. Made me what I am.
You know who my wife is? - Aphrodite.
- And what's that say about the gods?
- They're tolerant of incest? - You know what family is?
I figured this out. It's a disease.
You're born with it.
You have no say in the one you get, and you don't need it,
But, boy, does it need you.
I designed that lock to be picked
Because my father is an insane bully,
Just like prometheus, just like heracles,
Who everyone thinks freed prometheus
Because handsome, stupid asses
Think they run the world.
And that's how ugly, smart people like it.
- Is it possible for the brain to get a boner?
[upbeat music]
- Got anything warm and comforting?
- My mother-in-law is lactating.
- I'll have a beer.
- Hey, want to hear a derogatory joke
About inventors?
I assume you're also a king
That paid to bring his science dork here
And got ditched?
I'm minos from crete.
- Tyrannis, krapopolis. What's the joke?
- What do you get what an inventor
Crosses your wife with a bull?
A flesh-eating monstrosity that has to be kept in a labyrinth.
I guess you had to be there. - Ah!
Ugh, what is this?
- Oh, you ordered the beer. So sorry.
- Well, don't give me that one now.
- New one's gonna take a while.
- Then I'll have a free beer while I wait.
Non-kings. - Oh, non-kings.
- How long are you gonna let this go on for?
- I don't see any downside to letting
Your mother keep trying. [villagers screaming]
- I think they might see a downside.
- Damn it! Double damn it!
[knocking]
- What do you want?
I've got to work this out before the shipment
Of new servants gets here from thebes.
- I think it might be time for you to admit
You don't know how to reverse a medusa stoning
And give up.
- Hubris!
[gasps] what have I done?
- Don't blame yourself. This is mostly my fault.
I saw you struggling, and I let you go on
Because I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
- No, I've been so consumed with proving
I could undo athena's hacky monster nonsense
That I overreacted a bit.
- At least I know stupendous won't eat me.
That girl's never touched a vegetable in her entire life.
- Where have you been?
Are you hungover?
- It's called still being drunk.
There's a difference.
- Hephaestus offered me a job.
- So why are you even here? - What's that mean?
I want to talk to you about it.
- You mean gloat about it.
You want me to beg you to do me the favor of breeding
My wife with a bull?
- When did you get either of those things?
- It's a metaphor.
- You're the one that called me useless!
- Is that what I said?
You're so creative about remembering what I say,
Do you remember me asking you to invent written language?
- It's a bad idea.
- I'll have to take your word for it.
I guess everything I ask for is beneath your genius,
So it's no loss to me if you quit.
- Now there's an idea I can get behind.
- Wow. I did it, everybody.
I finally got smart enough to know it's all about him.
- Hate you! - Hate you!
- Nerd fight. - Nerd fight.
- Guys, stop nerd fighting.
- I'm a king. - Okay, well--
- I know I'm nerdy for a king.
That doesn't make it a nerd fight.
- What's this all about? - Just saying goodbye.
- What about all your stuff? - Give it away.
- Even your fully articulated, life-size wooden lady?
- I don't know what you're describing,
But it sounds way less shameful than snooping.
Goodbye, tyrannis.
- Oh, I'm not leaving just yet.
I'm on an island full of your replacements.
- Is everything-- steven?
- Ned, I heard about your ned system.
Sounds familiar. - Easy, steven.
[both grunting]
- Nerd fight?
- Hey, there's my superstar. - Can't wait to start.
- I know you're not a rule guy, and you're in luck.
There are none.
- [laughs] yeah!
- Here's your workstation. - Got it. What do I do first?
- First, you never ask that again.
- Sorry. - I really mean it, hippo.
Your job here is simply to create,
Preferably three or four things before sundown.
And if anything you come up with
Becomes a hephaestus original, well, there's upward movement.
- So my job is to create hephaestus originals?
- Okay, don't flatter yourself. I'm not exploiting you.
By the time I'm done making your stuff work,
You'll be the one getting the undeserved credit,
Which trust me, you will take
When you leave me for a better job.
- Oh, I'm not gonna leave. - Oh, yes, you will.
You didn't get here by being loyal to your stupid brother,
Did you? It's okay.
I expect you to leave. I'm not stupid.
I'm arguably the god of the opposite of stupid.
And I'd rather work with genuine talent
Than phony sycophants!
- Maybe I can be both. - I welcome the attempt.
People do earn my trust--
To an extent.
Aphrodite married me because I have the only heart
Even she can't find.
- That's pretty dark, boss.
- [laughs]
We're pieces of work, aren't we?
Don't get back to work.
- [sighs] living the dream.
- So you'd call yourself a collaborative inventor?
- Yes, I believe it's more important
To collaborate than innovate. - Ah, so refreshing.
I'm interested in my city developing written language.
- Nope, not a thing. - Not a thing?
- Human speak words and they draw pictures.
Nobody can draw pictures of words.
That's nonsense. - And is this us collaborating?
- Well, there's collaborating,
And there's indulging childish fantasy.
You see some futuristic world where people are writing
Everything down and, what was the other thing?
Pooping into tubes that transport feces
To a new location after leaving the butt?
- Well, you're making it sound like--
- Who even spends time thinking about this?
- Preferably someone in your position.
- Then I'm afraid this interview is over.
- You'll be back to your stunning self
In no time, darling, but if you can,
Do try not to snack on you.
- As long as no one invents ranch dressing
In the near future, I should be all right.
- I'm glad you guys are having personal growth,
But felix has kids.
- And that is why you should take him to athena's temple,
Which I now allow because I am capable of everything,
Including change. - Okay.
And you'll give me a ride there
Since I could have walked by now.
- I was just vulnerable.
You don't get two things. Piss off.
- That's on-brand.
Would you at least keep an eye on felix while I pack?
- Fine. - You're an amazing mother.
- And you're still sexy, even as part carrot.
- Oh, you naughty deity. Oh, yes.
Now you're talking.
No, I want him to watch.
Very good. Oh, yes.
Oh, here we go.
[indistinct chatter]
- [sighs]
What's the excitement?
- There's a king interviewing inventors at the dock.
Whoever gets the job gets an entire lab in his palace--
With underground lair.
- That's my-- definition of a nightmare,
Probably in the middle of nowhere.
- Good. Small pond, big fish.
Sorry, is that offensive to you?
- I'll get over it.
- I hear this king is interested
In some pretty out-there stuff: A sewage system,
Written language.
- See, now that's offensive.
I mean, is he a king or a creative?
Hephaestus doesn't even care what we invent.
- You got that right.
- This king you're talking about,
He'll be all up in your stuff.
How's it going? What are you working on?
I have thoughts.
He's going to think he owns you.
- Free lab, room and board. Um, own me, daddy.
- Seriously, but please, don't apply for the job.
You'd just get it.
- Yeah, it's always the people that don't give a crap.
[pensive music]
♪ ♪
- You can put your inventions down wherever there's space.
- Thanks. What you working on?
- A hat for hermes. - Third one?
- He had thoughts.
- Hermes had thoughts about his hat,
And here, you're surrounded by--
What's this? - I don't know.
It's called a computer.
It's a machine that calculates--
Why do you feel comfortable interrupting me like this?
Are you unfamiliar with being fired?
- I guess I've only ever quit.
A machine that calculates? - Oh, does that impress you?
- It might be a little more important than a third draft
Of hermes's hat.
- Well, can I show you something even better?
- Yeah!
Dude?
- Dude! Wait.
It gets better.
Look at this.
What do you think, dude?
You like that, dude?
- Why? Why?
- Because it's not what you wanted.
So now you understand, you don't control me.
- But hermes does? - No!
You insipid little fish man, I control everything.
I choose my jobs. I choose my goals.
I have already finished proving I am better than everyone
And that I don't need anyone.
I guess you haven't proven that?
I have! It's a thing you can prove.
And do you know what I now have decided to make happen?
- You want them to like you. - There you go, buddy!
There you go.
Is that okay with you?
Remember when your brother tried
To protect you at the panel?
Nobody in my family, nobody, has done that for me.
- Ty, wait!
Ty! - Hold on one moment.
- Excuse me. Excuse me.
- Hippo! - Ty!
I'm sorry. - I am too.
What happened?
- Well, I was definitely right to change jobs
Because I'm right about everything,
Which is why I had to leave.
They found me mentally intimidating
And distracting sexually.
- That's truly unbelievable.
But I'm glad it happened because you're irreplaceable.
- I would have invented your brains out.
Lab wrecker.
- Who was that? - I didn't see anybody.
- Hephaestus thanks you for attending volcon.
I am not an automaton.
I am a living, suffering giant.
Have a safe journey home.
My joints are limited to predefined movements
Carried out by a complex system of gears.
We look forward to seeing you next year.
Enjoy your lives.
They could be worse.
I have a family.
I'm a foodie. I love to travel.
Tell my story, but also, tell the world about volcon.
I have had an itch on my back for over a year.
Someone, please scratch it.
And please, come back to volcon.
Before this, I was a giant doctor.
I saved people's lives,
The way you should save the date
For next year's volcon.
- Ah.
[indistinct chatter]
[sighs] hello, print-con!
I'm chris hardwick.
I'm moderating this panel and, due to a curse,
All panels until the end of time.
But you didn't sleep on a pile of plague rats
For a month to hear about me.
You're here for the prince of the press,
The mage of the page, johann gutenberg!
- Did you get any of that?
- Bento.