Don't be shy, folks.
We're dancing all night in the name of holy matrimony.
Give it up for your bride and groom.
After this shit...
she's for sure, my least favorite cousin.
How many boyfriends did you steal from me in high school?
Three.
But stealing is a strong word for giving them
half assed blowjobs in the church parking deck.
So we were just one blow and go away from my baby sister marrying
my ex instead.
I'm sorry Courtney.
This must be really hard.
I'm fine Caitlin.
You can go.
Stop that.
We're gonna slow it down.
For all the lovers out there.
This one's for you all.
I don't think you're allowed to be
this sad at a wedding
Well this DJ has played
tub thumping by Chumbawamba three times in 45 minutes.
So how happy can any of us be?
Sorry, I was talking to
Courtney.
Right.
I'm Dave.
You don't have to sit here.
Well, now you have my handkerchief,
and you are never getting this back.
I love a good never.
What?
I'm never getting that back. Ever.
No loopholes, no questions,
no falling through or falling apart.
It's comfortingly infinite,
That's mine.
Oh, is it?
Is that a bengal?
Oh, this.
Oh, yeah, I.
I don't think I would call it a Bengal.
It's a Bengal.
I'd feel more distinguished if you called it a band.
Or can I wear your Bengal?
Kate Lin-Manuel Miranda.
I've asked you repeatedly to give that nickname up.
What he's a lyrical visionary?
It's a big compliment, little sis.
Oh, my God.
I am not your sister.
You will be tomorrow.
I can't wait.
You really mean that, don't you?
Like you actually love her that much.
Okey dokey.
Glenn, you better go say goodbye to Courtney.
We're about to leave.
Tyrannosaurus Lex.
Good looking out.
All right, guys. I'll see you later.
It's like cotton candy became a man and that man is Glen.
I feel it's my duty as maid of honor to ask you,
respectfully, to not flirt with the groom.
I'm sorry. What?
It is unseemly.
Lexie, I'm not trying to have sex with Glenn.
Why are we talking about sex with my brother?
Ever?
But specifically at his rehearsal dinner?
Well, Jasmine, Caitlin was getting a little flirtatious,
and I was just reminding her.
Are you the small talk police? Like, why are you watching me?
It is my job to make sure that this stays perfect for Court. Hey fuck butt.
smash the groom in
a bathroom like a civilized person instead of out in the fucking open.
Oh, shut up, Chuck.
What? I'm the best man. I'm just looking out for my brother.
Not your brother.
Oh, really?
Because frat is life.
Jasmine, it's not too late.
Grappling.
Run like hell. Bro...
Our family fucking rocks.
Except for you. Okay.
I think we need to regroup here.
That's a good idea. Yeah.
We should give our attention to the sister who actually deserves it.
Right.
Courtney's Special day.
Are you even invited to this thing?
Not exactly.
She never mentioned you after that night.
Is that so?
Now, here you are.
Give me your phone. Why?
I'm going to give you the address to our house.
I know where it is.
Okay, then come by later.
Maybe
if I knock, you'll answer.
Might even let you in.
Is that the same suit as last time?
It's a good suit.
So let's hold off on flirting with your sister's husband again.
Can we drop this?
I just really didn't budget time for any family infighting tomorrow.
Fine, Courtney.
I'm sorry for speaking my cute female words at the male body of your fiancee.
In my defense, I didn't know that love was a form of absolute human ownership.
So... I don't care.
Why is she acting so weird?
So what are we getting up to tonight, ladies?
Champagne. Do we need snacks?
I can braid your hair.
Actually, Lexie told me that I could do coke off of her bare ass.
Oh, I did no such thing.
You are such a tease.
So, yeah, Lisa you'll probably want to head out
just to maintain your plausible deniability. Yeah, I'm gonna go.
Call me if you need anything.
Anything at all.
Except cocaine.
I don't have that.
Not anymore. Bye.
Okay.
Party time.
Who's ready for PIN the nose on Glenn.
The hell.
Lexi. No.
It's going to be so much fun.
And the printer charged me a pretty penny for this.
So we're doing this?
No, I'm getting the tequila.
It's finally time to use these.
Caitlin?
No, I said no penises.
It's a bachelorette party.
You're supposed to be the maid of honor, not our mom.
Well, your mom could come in at any moment.
And then what would she say?
Please, my mom.
Once ask me if I spit or swallow. Did she.
Will you excuse me?
What is up with you?
Are those my earrings. No,
Caitlin, I
thought you understood that this was her special day.
She's acting like a complete freak.
That is not nerves.
You couldn't possibly understand what she's feeling, right?
Well she's my sister, so I probably have.
And yet I'm the maid of honor.
So, wait, what fluid
does the alcohol represent?
If you get too drunk.
You're not going to stand a chance in the Courtney Trivia tournament that I made.
You can't even get Courtney excited for your shit.
And that's embarrassing because she usually humors you.
She doesn't humor me.
She likes me.
You just wouldn't know what that feels like.
Can you help me with something?
Oh, of course.
Court.
Bridesmaids
...assemble.
So I know I haven't been acting like myself lately.
It's just there's a weird energy, so
we're going to fix it.
Nope, nope, nope, nope.
This is some white lady witch shit, and I am not doing it.
I can attest that Courtney has been really focused on her spirituality lately,
and I'm really proud of her for that commitment to self care.
Does mom know you used all of her salt?
Don't touch that, please.
This is really important to me
to feel safe and centered this weekend.
Can you just sit with me?
Let's just cleanse this shit and be done.
She's got dolls in here, and I'm not. Okay.
So we're just going to say, Distineo domum, a malo over and over.
We're chanting.
No. Can we please just hold a crystal and think happy thought?
God damn it, Caitlin, can you just cooperate for once?
This is her special day.
And if Courtney wants to chant in Latin in this candlelit room,
then that is what we're going to do.
Hands.
Distineo domum, a malo.
Distineo domum, a malo
Who the hell is here?
Caitlin.
I said no strippers.
I didn't hire a stripper.
Turns out it's really expensive to get them to come this far
out into the suburbs. So you tried.
There is someone here, and I would like to know why. Oh,
Caitlin.
Caitlin, who is here?
Hi. Hi,
Dave.
Hey, Court.
Your sister invited me.
She said you never mentioned me.
CAITLIN Whatever you did, you know. Sorry.
You can come inside.
Thank you.
You just gave him dominion over the house.
I gave him what? Hey babe...
Why don't you introduce me to your friends?
What are you doing Dave?
I feel like you talk a lot.
I'm going to ask you to stop.
Well, I don't actually give a shit what you tell me to do.
Dave, Dave, Stop.
Okay?
If you try to leave, that's
what's going to happen to you the second you step outside.
So get in there.
Who are you to tell me what to do?
Oh, I thought that was obvious.
I'm the devil.
But you can call me Dave.
Caitlin
Ok, That's the wildest stripper character.
But you know what points for originality, sir, I don't have any cash,
But you deserve to be paid for your time and talents.
Do you have a Venmo?
Lexi!
Oh. Oh,
right.
So I am the actual devil.
Courtney here
belongs to me.
And since you all cast that protection spell,
she has ensured that you are all deeply
and permanently involved.
So take a goddamn seat
I like this.
Who brought these?
Oh, I knew I liked you.
You choked me.
Doesn't mean I don't like you.
Ask your sister.
I'm gonna order of pizza.
What do you guys like?
This one wont' even
Look at me.
I don't want any part of this.
Or you or her.
Yeah, like I said, let me leave.
They can stay. I don't give a shit about them.
Let me go.
I could, I really could.
But then you'd technically be indebted to me.
And yet this little guy right here
makes me think that you don't really want to do that.
Oh. Oh,
I'm going to get Hawaiian pizza.
I don't care if you guys hate it.
And while we wait, Courtney is going to agree to be a hell bride,
and the rest of you be free of me forever.
You can't do the ceremony.
I don't consent.
Yeah, which is why I'm going to get your consent.
No. No.
I'm the king of hell Courtney.
I ruined civilizations.
I break up great bands.
I raise the dead, and I hate...
I mean, I
really hate being told no by some piece of shit mortal.
So let me go.
Be rid of this piece of shit mortal forever.
Do you read?
Do you even know who I am?
Like, that's never how this goes.
You have plenty.
You can get more.
Just let me go. Just me.
If she didn't let me in.
What?
You just going to spend your life behind
protective wards?
Do you really think if you try to bind yourself
to someone else that mark isn't going to eat your flesh
from the inside slowly and painfully?
You've done all this work to learn all your little spells,
but you still have no idea how any of this shit works.
You probably don't even
you don't even know the one way out.
Courtney, do you know what he's talking about?
Why did you bring him here?
Oh, this changes everything.
You cannot do the ceremony.
I do not consent.
Yeah, but you will, I'm sort of known for being persuasive.
Oh. Oh,
Jasmine move, please.
Our friend and the devil are in there.
She made her choice. Choices have consequences.
Our lives shouldn't be one of those consequences.
Do not agree
Help me!
I really didn't want to do this Court.
But honestly, you left me no choice.
You get that right.
You have to let me in. Did you just hit me?
He's gone.
What? How?
I don't know.
The candles, the book.
Maybe I banished him.
Courtney, that's amazing.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No touching are you kidding, Lexie
Is it still there?
Yeah,
but he's gone, that has to be good, right?
Mother.
Fuck-
Flank me.
Three,
two, one.
Pizza City! That's spooky.
You're too hot to be a pizza guy.
You know, my mom says the same thing actually. No...
Those eyes not of this world.
Stab him now, Caitlin.
I'm just going to stab him.
Well what the hell are the knives for?
Ignore them, I'll take it.
All right.
Excuse me.
Sorry, That's not
Enjoy. Bye Caitlin...
You don't need me for the stabbing, right?
Oh, yes Hawaiian.
You hate Hawaiian pizza.
You wouldn't know.
We're not close, but we are.
I'm just gonna scoot by.
Shit that burns... god dammit.
All right, You got me.
That was fun... too bad
He was still here.
I feel bad
That wail. I usually think it's hot, but, shit, not in this context.
Whatever you do hurts her.
Not me. I, like, can't die.
But she can. And you can.
So knives down, bitches.
He won't.
He won't do it.
She has to consent to do the ceremony.
And if he kills us there's no-
I'm inside her, ladies, and not in a fun way.
So I really wouldn't bank on me giving a shit about -
Hands... the power is coming through the hands.
You have tie me.
Shut up.
I don't like how fast you did that.
I'm not a cop.
I just watched a lot of law and order criminal intent.
Let's get her up the stairs.
Original guys.
Totally not derivative. Shut up.
Oh, are you the leader now?
Who's the leader?
Okay,
As maid of honor, I am clearly the one in charge.
I've read every charge since this started.
I am the only one that can be objective on this situation.
You guys saw what we did with the knives.
Pizza guy is your fault
Guys. I'm actually doing my- Sabotage!
Hallway meeting now.
Sorry. I'm not trying to be the leader.
I just like, I thought it was a good white women and apologizing.
I'm sorry,
Okay.
No one's the leader, but he's going to try to pull shit like that at every turn.
And we need a plan.
The only thing that really seemed to hurt him was your necklace.
Yeah. Caitlin, do you have a crucifix?
I like maybe have a Switchfoot CD.
That's the best we're going to get.
Christwise. In the movies.
They always have a priest.
How are we going to get a priest? We can't leave without choking to death.
And my phone isn't exactly filled with men of God.
I know how we get one.
We have to.
Call Glenn. No,
it's just that it's really bad for the groom to see the bride right
before the wedding.
You're right.
Yeah. Like Satan is here.
Thank you.
Yeah. Okay.
BOP, bop, bop, bop, bop,
bop, bop, bop, bop, bop.
You got Glenn
DJ Jazzy Jeff.
Oh. Hmm.
Hmm. Hmm.
Oh, sounds fun. Cool.
All right.
Be there in a jif.
Well,
I hate to press pause on fun, but the girls need a Priest.
The fuck, why? I'm not really sure, but they seem like they were in a rush.
So let's just pop this off, Mattie, and fire up the old iron horse.
Okay.
I'll bring the neck thing.
All right.
Well,
I'm coming with you.
This is weird.
And if they're pranking you, I want to see it.
Best man.
Breast man. What? I don't know, dude.
Sometimes I just say shit, Yeah,
Let's get up out of here.
And. Oh,
when I come back, there better be a nose on my wife.
I know that
this must be really hard for you.
I just feel like I'm setting a trap for him.
It's not a trap.
He loves her.
He'd want to be here to help.
Just don't want to scare him.
You know?
We can't just leave him there.
That can't stay.
What are you looking for
This is my fault.
I might as well try to fix it.
When the hell did you learn Latin?
You're the disgrace.
Right, soiling the family name and shit.
Yes. She didn't talk about you much.
You went to jail, didn't you?
Yeah. DUI.
DUI? You kill anyone?
No. Shame
Why her?
hot, innocent, exquisitely broken.
Broken. Now she's perfect. Always has been.
There's a million ways to be broken.
I know them all intimately.
Don't doubt my taste.
Are there new people here?
Hell, yeah.
Oh, What?
What does he eat? Oh.
Oh, Glen.
Jasmine.
Jasmine,
Glen, don't come.
Jasmine,
Jasmine.
Oh. Oh,
Gentlemen.
Good evening. Thank you all for coming.
Would anyone like some cold Hawaiian pizza?
What the hell, Lexi?
I'm trying to be welcoming.
I would eat some pizza, actually.
Where's Courtney?
She's not going anywhere.
Hey, fuck butt.
Why are we here?
Do either of you know about Dave?
Dave?
Dave from our pledge class?
Yeah. Six toes, I think.
Are you talking about the Dave
That Courtney fucked in secret for, like, two years?
Talking about that Dave. Wow.
She told you? Oh, yeah.
I met him. Seem pretty cool.
This was way before you came around, bro.
I swear on the frat.
Right? Okay.
But how much did you know about Dave?
Oh, like, not any bit.
Just like a like I met him the one time. Why?
Well,
Glen, Glen, Thank God they've gone absolutely crazy.
Give it up, Dave.
You're not good at this. Dave?
Who's Dave?
They light candles and they said spells.
I don't know what's happening.
Yeah, Jazzy.
It looks like, according to me, it's not Courtney.
I mean, it is her, but it's not her talking as something only she would know.
It's my favorite cereal.
Cheerios.
Glen. No, you have to ask something more.
Where do we go
The night that Mom and Dad's divorce was finalized?
The movies. Wrong Ice cream. Suck it.
Wait, what?
I don't remember that.
Where was I? Oh, it's not her.
She's possessed by the devil, like we said.
So, Father, little help.
I feel like now's a good time to mention that I was ordained online.
That's my buddy from the office.
Are you serious?
But whatever power there is to be found in the Universal Life
Church, I'll use it for.
Well, that's kind of cool. Fools, mortals.
Cocksuckers.
Okay, I'm disturbed, Matty go ahead and take it way.
the power of Christ
compels you.
Please leave.
Is that.
Is that holy water?
I found it in Glen's car.
So now can we focus, please, and try again?
Blessed assurance.
Jesus is mine.
We learned in a camp.
We know it.
We don't. Hum or something
blessed.
assurance. Jesus, Jesus.
Is mine.
Oh what a foretaste, of glory divine!
Heir of salvation, purchase of God,
Born of His Spirit, Washed in His blood.
Oh, she's going to dislocate her arms.
No, wait.
If he gets control of her hands, we're all dead.
Bottled
water and a church camp song? Are you serious?
God Damn it.
I got that Joy, Joy, joy, joy down in my heart.
Where?
Sorry, It's call and response.
What does that mean?
Hey!
Too spooky.
We're going about this all wrong.
Agreed. We've been trying to get him out.
But maybe we should go directly to Courtney herself.
Right?
Like when he killed the pizza guy.
But she screamed. Excuse me.
Wait, what?
Oh, did we?
We didn't mention the pizza. Oh, there's.
There's a dead pizza guy I moved him. Define dead.
That's a
good looking man.
Yeah.
When he died, she screamed and she really came back.
We saw it. It's got to be you, Glenn.
This whole thing.
I mean, he's here because she wants to be with you.
Are you suggesting we use him as bait? No.
No. I'm just wondering if, like, a a show of love might do something
while I do love my future wife,
A little concern,
because I know that's the devil and I don't want.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Glenn, that is not the kind of show of love we're talking about.
No. Oh, okay. Got it. Yeah.
Yeah. Like it's not a sex thing.
My mistake.
God, I'm staying.
You have to do the thing.
You have to bro
It's for the wedding.
And I've been practicing for months, and I can.
There will be no wedding if you don't get Satan out of her, Man.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
I'm going to do it.
Just give me a minute. Hey,
you take all the time you need, brother.
You got this
fly little bird.
What is it?
Shut the fuck up, Caitlin.
Why is he friends with you?
Why is he friends with you? That's you.
That is what your face looks like and sounds like.
When you do that.
The fuck are you doing?
Scene How to make water.
Holy.
We are so fucked,
so fucked.
Oh shit.
Glenn's not choking.
He can go get help.
Oh, my God. Yes.
Yes. Let's bring more people into this.
Especially the police, who
I'm sure would love to see that shockingly attractive dead pizza man.
You wish you were as hot as that dead pizza, man.
I fuck. Yeah.
Fuck.
What are you looking for?
My Switchfoot CD.
Oh, cool.
So she told you about Dave?
Not me.
Yeah.
She probably didn't want you to steal him.
I never stole from her. Oh, really?
Because I fucking gave her those earrings for Christmas,
You piece of shit.
Why do you even care?
You hate Courtney.
So you went for ice cream?
Yeah.
That was 25 years ago.
Can you let it go?
You know what I did that night? What?
I screamed and I cried so hard that I couldn't talk for a week. Cool.
So you see why we didn't invite you?
Did it ever occur to you that I might not be so miserable to be around
if you didn't treat me like shit?
You treat yourself like shit, and that's contagious.
You treat everyone like shit.
You're self-possessed and you're cruel and you're shallow.
And I don't understand why she still comes to you.
I don't want to fuck and tell you.
Okay, But I'm not going to apologize because I'm not here for you.
Right?
It's Courtney's special night.
God damn it, You are insufferable
That's a big word.
You find my SAT flash cards?
Oh, really?
Did you find deez nuts?
I never hated Courtney.
I wanted to be everything she was.
And when I wasn't, I took what I could.
When what you want is all of somebody and they only give you scraps.
Yeah.
You start to wish that they didn't exist at all.
What is happening?
Do you all have to be here?
Yeah, Glenn, that's the king of hell in there.
So I think you want all the backup you can get.
Yeah.
Okay.
Courtneato burrito.
I know you're in there.
I was planning for this
to be a little wedding surprise.
As you know, I have a strong love for the legendary music group Boyz
Two Men, balanced by a healthy fear of copyright infringement.
Dude, for the last time, they can't sue you over a one time
performance at a private event.
I was planning to go viral.
I know, but that's not how viral works.
This is
an original spoken word.
What the fresh hell?
Vows are said
We are wed,
so let's
dim the lights down low
because I got some love to show
and I'm more confident
in the dark.
As you know.
Tie the knot, Let's get hot.
Just like the.
Sexy, kind of warm.
Our bodies
is a sexy storm.
You were gonna
Let him do this
at the wedding? I co-wrote it.
Oh, I'm going to make it rain.
I'm gonna let this love pour.
to biblically know
we do have sex so.
I'm gonna know my wife.
for the rest of my life.
to biblically know
means to have sex. So.
And I'm going know you so hard
if you consent too.
Well, fuck me.
Holy shit, Matt.
untie her. We need the ropes.
Glen I love you so much.
I'm so sorry.
Now he'll just try to jump into one of us if we try to get too close.
Satanic possession can only happen if you have some major vulnerability.
Usually caused by making a deal with him. How do you know that?
You think I haven't spent every free moment on Satan's Wikipedia page?
And what makes anyone more vulnerable
than true love?
Where did he go?
Glenn, you're holding me really tight.
I don't want to let you go.
No, no, no, no.
Where did you go?
What the fuck?
Oh, no, no.
Stronger than he looks.
Oh, yeah.
This works great.
Hello...it's me Lisa!
Who the fuck is Lisa?
She's the wedding planner, Was she supposed to be here? No.
I hope you don't mind. I just let myself in.
We had a little hiccup with the ice sculpture.
It required a conversation.
Oh, no.
No, Dave no
Well,
Glenn, what on earth are you doing here?
You sly dog you.
Yeah, we had a an interesting night tonight.
I know. Snorting drugs off butts.
Yeah, Yeah.
Oh, and look at that sharp suit.
This little thing.
Yeah, I really like it.
And I just hate to get something on it, you know?
Well, how can I even call myself a wedding planner without these bad boys?
Help! Courtney!
We gotta help Glen. Help! Help!
We have to get him back in here.
We need the book.
I'll grab the salt.
We have to save my brother.
Please.
Lisa.
Run! Huh?
Lisa,
What happened?
Jasmine.
Jasmine,
We have to get him back in my room.
Uh, no.
Shit, shit, shit.
Relax.
You're not going to die
But someone.
Will.
Are you really about to give a villain speech?
Dave?
Maybe
you see this body.
Unlike Courtney's
Belong to an actually good person
It's airtight.
So if you guys are thinking of trying
anything heroic,
don't.
I do feel a little outnumber
valuable.
Interesting.
The whole reason why we're here
expendable.
Dave, don't.
Did you really think I was going to do that whole walkie
talkie thing and just kill them off right now, huh?
You have no sense of production value.
Guys, relax.
It's a party,
Let's play a game.
Welcome to Courtney.
Trivia that I made
brought to you by her useless maid of honor.
What's your name again?
It's Lexie. Lexie.
So I'm going to ask the questions.
And if you think the answer is
one more time,
it's Lexie.
If you think it's Lexie, put her shoe in there.
And if you think it's this piece of shit, dude, put his up.
And if you both agree, you're safe.
But if you disagree,
I'll be forced to choose who's right.
And that's the end of the game.
No hints or
Helping.
Please stop this.
Just say the word.
And I absolutely will.
You know what I want.
Okay, Here we go.
Question number one
Who has known Courtney the longest
3 2 1
It's easy, but very good.
Very good
question 2
who will Courtney bring with her
in a fight?
3 2 1.
Still,
easy, still easy.
It's good, though.
Question three
Who loves Courtney more?
Don't be a hero.
Stop talking. Okay. Yes, we'll do that.
3 2 1.
Excellent,
Excellent.
This is a good one
Who deserves to live?
Now, babe, I know this question isn't really about you.
And this is your special day.
So you're going to shout your answer at the same time?
If you say nothing,
I will kill them both.
Are you ready?
Who deserves to live?
3 2 1
Hello girls.
Oh, my God.
I gave Lisa the key. Mom?
You're not answering your phones.
And you know how I hate that
you got some pizza out here.
Do you need it? Get rid of your mother.
I totally would, Dave, if I can get close to that door
without choking to death, thanks to you.
Oh, get rid of her.
My mom.
Please don't hurt my mom.
Dude, just give me. I'll get rid of her.
Let's go.
Mom. What the fuck?
Chucky, Sweetie, what on earth are you doing here, silly boy?
Oh, that's a good question.
I they spilled some lip gloss, and they need my help,
so, yeah, on account of all that, it's kind of not a good time.
And you should get the fuck out of here.
That bad over lip gloss? Yeah, lip gloss.
What's going on in there? Nothing.
Nothing. It's just.
Well, Courtney is nervous, and Caitlin's not helping.
Kind of like you, so you should go.
Don't tell me they're fighting again a little bit.
They are. Can you just leave?
This is are chance.
He is not going to be as easy to tie up as you have to.
We don't have to if we can't. We just have to get him back in the room. .
Well, Mom, you're just going to have to tell me whatever the fuck it is.
You came here to tell them.
Okay? Shit. Okay. Okay, baby boy.
I just brought.
I just brought her a little gift. Great.
What the fuck is this? Lube?
Yes, It's organic. Oh, my God.
It really is life changing.
Oh, Mom, What the fuck?
Well, it was supposed to be a little special wedding gift from a woman
to a woman, But you got in the way, Mom, she's your daughter, and
she deserves an eco conscious, lubricated sexual experience like anybody else.
That's disgusting. You're weird.
This is our chance.
I've beat his ass before.
Oh, and tomorrow, please don't wear
your sunglasses with those little chokey things around the neck.
Doesn't look good.
First of all, don't tell me what to do.
Okay?
And second of all, they're called croakies, you idiot.
Okay. Okay, sweetheart.
Okay, Well, it's time to go, so just.
Bye, Mom. Okay, sweetie. Oh, I love you.
This was fun. My mom. Fuck.
I love you.
Okay, now fucking leave.
Stop it.
And what a trip.
Can I see that lube?
Sure.
What the fuck?
Oh, shit.
You like that devil bitch?
Oh, Still got it.
All right, All right.
Upsy daisy satan,
everyone, get out and stay back.
Yeah.
What are you.
Get out of my way.
Caitlin,
You give up Court.
Non praeteribit.
You shall not pass.
God damn Gandolf shit.
I will get you out of him.
You won't.
You can't.
I'm not letting him get close to the surface.
He is trying though.
It must really hurt
You remember?
Let's leave him.
Caitlin,
keep watch.
Feeling a little bit left out.
Okay.
I learned these protections and wards.
Surely there is something else in here we can use.
So he can't die right?
Whatever we do to his body now affects Glenn, not him.
And I am not willing to risk one.
Okay, What do you need, Court?
You want a water? I'll give you water.
So we need to get him out of Glenn and then sent back to hell sick.
Okay, We'll need the four of us again.
But we can banish him.
Yes, but if we do it now, we're just sending Glenn to hell.
That's what you just said? Yes.
And if there is another spell in that book to get him out of my brother,
I'm sure Dave won't give us a time before he slaughters us all.
You're right.
I can make you a grilled cheese.
So what exactly is the plan? I'm here now.
What I get him out, you send him back.
What the fuck?
Chuck?
The energy and focus.
His incantations required.
This is an exorcism, but it asks for four mortals too.
Okay, so we just need three more people.
No, I'm not bringing anyone else into this.
Do they have to be alive?
Me, Matt, the pizza guy.
Bucket of that the fuck. It's.
Theoretically, they could channel energy, but they can't amplify.
And you don't have enough intention on your own.
I don't know what any of that means.
Anybody want a Xanax?
Right here.
Lexi, do you take Adderall?
Do I remember that econ final?
Fuck, yeah.
I can get you a water.
Water?
Your cute.
Oh. Oh, my God.
left out again.
I'm used to it.
It's fine.
Convincing.
Am I not?
I can't come out.
But you can come in.
You're going to kill me.
No, no,
I like you.
Remember
What? It's nothing
I always thought of Glenn as such a dweeb, but
with you and him, he's hot, right?
Yeah, I think.
I assume.
I think you do.
Since
we've already established how unconvincing I am,
I suppose I can't persuade you to go away.
Leave our family alone forever.
Yeah.
That's not really how I operate.
I get it.
It's not really how I operate either.
If I don't look out for me, who will? Exactly.
And if you want something, you better be
willing to trade.
Okay.
I think this will work.
Is he going to be okay?
Jesus. What is your dosage, Lexie?
Oh, it's very high.
Okay.
Have him stay focused on Glenn.
We can't have him fixate on anything else.
Okay, Wait, wait, wait.
Does Glenn know that I'm the one who watched
all the softcore porn on his old Cinemax account?
He does now,
how do you do the eye thing?
Because, like, sometimes they're yellow, but sometimes they're not.
Okay. Oh,
They're still brown... is not.
It's not working, sorry.
I'm just a little nervous.
I don't know what's really happened to me.
Dave,
Are you serious?
Courtney?
That's my husband.
Not to split hairs.
That's actually Satan possessing your fiancee.
Oh, well, either way,
you screwing him in my childhood bedroom does not seem appropriate or helpful.
I was just talking
and trying to see if you'd be willing to trade me.
Spare me your constant lies. I'm not lying.
Oh, so you're just can't live in hell for you for Glenn to fix this?
Yeah, I would.
You are the most selfish person I know.
You take everything for yourself
because it's impossible to believe that I'm trying to help.
I don't want your help.
The only thing you do is consistently get in the way and screw
shit up, says the woman, bound to satan, you invited him in.
I didn't know Courtney.
You never tell me anything.
And now we're here and people are dead.
I know that.
Where are you going?
I know what I did.
I know it's sick.
I know. What we've already lost I know of all of that.
I also know those are absolute my earrings, Court.
Will you just let me -?
Hi.
What the fuck is all this yelling?
We got to go.
We gotta go.
Sorry.
I just wanted to use the good bathroom.
Lexie.
Run!
You want me.
Let her go.
Court
What's the fun in that? She's innocent,
she's expendable,
and she's under the bed.
You can come out now.
That's my obedient girl.
Non praeteribit. What'd you just say.
I said,
you shall not pass.
Non praeteribit.
very slick.
You know, you deserve to be paid for your time and talents.
Lexi!
No, no, no.
It's okay. Court
It's okay.
Courtney.
I just saw Chuck.
Courtney.
Look what you did?
I did.
I know. I know. This is a bad time.
I think I know what he meant by one way out.
Get the hell out. Now.
Where?
Where do you want me to go?
Your boyfriend put a curse on the goddamn house.
I don't give a shit.
Go! Shut up, both of you.
Courtney, if you have a mark, it means he gave you a ring.
I know you're in pain, but I need you to think.
Courtney, Where is it?
He didn't give me a ring. Jasmine, I would remember.
Does. Doesn't have to be a ring.
It can be a necklace or a crown.
As long as it's infinite. Just.
It could be like a bangle.
That's very sweet.
I usually do a lot of persuading,
but the first thing you did when you met was bind yourself to me forever.
Oh, my God.
Courtney.
You can use it against him.
It works the other way. You can bind him.
He didn't tell you that, but think.
Where is it?
I, I don't know.
Unbelievable.
I didn't know it was important.
I didn't know any of this shit works.
Why are you still here?
Oh, well, you know, he's fighting.
He's fighting.
He's in here.
No, If you die, he has no reason to spare.
Glenn, How was that not Everything running through your mind right now?
I can figure this out.
This ends one way. I love him so much. Bullshit.
If you loved my brother, you would have stayed away.
What did you think?
You'd be the first person in history.
The devil just let go
because you asked.
You're the danger, Courtney.
You. I love him.
It isn't enough.
You're a trap, Courtney.
You give the devil his due
and you set my brother free.
I can't.
Courtney. No.
When you can breathe and we can't,
you're not special.
You're not lucky.
You're the curse.
It's self.
I'll go.
Let him out.
I consent.
No, After.
After I'll do the ceremony in this body,
and then I'll release him after. Here
a little something.
I worked up, and
you and I both know you have no business
being in the white dress.
Witnesses,
if you please.
Where's your sister?
Fuck, my sister.
Hmm. Maybe later.
This is your day.
Showtime.
You there?
And here comes the bride.
Stop.
Caitlin. No, it's too late.
Shut up, you insufferable bitch.
Oh, shit.
I spent my entire life
trying to live in your light and finding your shadow Every time
the better daughter, better sister, better woman.
And none of that goodness left for me
If I was lucky enough to get any of you.
You fed me with anger and contempt.
You never gave me shit.
So are you surprised that I stole instead?
I have stolen everything
I possibly could from you.
The only thing of yours I've never wanted is Glenn.
But Dave.
Dave, I want.
That's real cute.
But that just won't work for me, babe.
I'm not going to give her up.
This isn't about her.
I look out for me, remember
what I want.
What is it you want?
For the first time in my life, I am the right sister
Envious, wrathful,
proud, lustful,
broken.
I am broken like her and more.
But I also get you.
I don't fight that side of myself like she does.
I am the right sister so pick me
And I am eagerly, enthusiastically yours
I said I don't want Glenn.
You really do like me, don't you?
This better? Glenn!
Of all the things
I have taken from my sister.
I will always be proudest of this.
What the - Wait...
You will never hurt any of us ever again.
You lair.
I always liked your sister more.
I feel like you talk a lot.
I'm going to ask you to stop
Now heal him.
Courtney.
Jassy
Glenn,
Jasime, go.
live your lives, please.
Well, Jassy, wait.
We won't go.
This woman brought hell on you.
That woman beat hell back for me.
Why would I want to walk away from something
so powerful?
Release her
forever.
Do you really want to be with Dave?
Oh, God, no.
I mean, I might have fucked him one time just to say that
I did it.
You may speak.
Finally got it so boring without me.
Can I go?
It's been like one minute.
It sucks.
You suck.
Can he bring them
back? One.
Obviously.
You have to bring your brother back. Are you all for real?
Think how much nicer Lexi is.
Like, who's going to make the world a better place?
Well, Chuck's Glen's best friend too, so.
Well, we got to be thinking about more people then.
God damn it. Sabotage.
Tell the truth.
Okay.
I can bring back to had a roll over from last month.
Your resurrection powers work like cellular minutes.
I don't make the rules.
Who does?
We don't really have time to tackle that at this point.
Okay. Bring them both back.
Lexi and Chuck safely and as themselves.
Oh, and for the next three months, your resurrections are reserved.
Matt, Hot pizza guy.
Bucket of Lisa.
You are no fun.
Which is really sad because I actually thought that you were.
Fuck, fuck, Shit, Fuck.
God damn it.
Fuck.
Courtney, you look beautiful.
Did I die.
Glenn did I die?
You'd tell me if I died. Right.
Let's get married
right now.
How? You didn't
even put priest dude in contention
Guy, Is anyone else online ordained?
Dave,
Are you an ordained priest?
Okay? Yes.
Had some mortal friends in New York that asked me and I got online ordained.
Okay. Yes.
We can get Dave to do it.
Can I.
Can I get ready first?
Court.
this is our purpose.
Bridesmaids.
Assemble!
Excuse me. Hey. Sorry.
Did I die?
Someone answer me.
I'm I dead now?!
what the fuck?
Good, bro?
Yeah, man.
Hold still. I'm not moving.
Bro did you know, I died.
Yeah, like I died. Died?
Yeah. That was scary. And then I came back.
Yeah, I saw the whole thing. Fuck.
Court.
No, your mascara.
It's ok Lexi.
I'm ready.
You will go through with this?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Then you leave.
You'll never return to any of us ever again.
Never.
It is then
I didn't ask you to do this
for that one time
just to say you did.
This is the front desk number for the Orlando DMV.
Yeah,
I got to be honest, man.
Being dead takes a lot out of you.
Hey no hard feelings, man.
You are strong as hell.
Got to know what your protein intake is.
Would you like to stand with your brother?
His bench is...
It's depleted.
I don't forgive you.
You never should.
Okay,
so at the rehearsal, I went first, and then Lexi goes right before you.
I'd like you both to walk me down
My Maids of Honor.
Courtney, you know, you don't have to do that.
Lexi, can you give us a minute?
You bet.
I want to see if I can get someone's blood out.
I know that I fixed it
with the bracelet thing, but I stole the bracelet in the first place,
and I brought Dave here because I knew it would make you mad.
And I still did all that terrible stuff.
Our whole life- I was never as good as you thought I was.
My whole life.
You had me on this pedestal.
I knew I was never going to live up to it.
Chuck is terrible,
but at least I never felt like
it was disappointing him.
I'd always disappoint you.
That isn't true.
I know that now.
But I was so focused on how you made me feel.
Just never thought about what it was doing to you.
My whole life
I never thought about myself,
and in spite of that, you still almost went to hell for me.
You are not a disgrace
Ready?
Hell yeah.
And now, by
the power vested in me by the Internet,
I pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Yoohoo I've got Grandma's key!
You can't keep me at this time.
Where's my pretty girl?
Lube lady,
are those organs?
Yeah, and a detergent stick, if you want to use that.
Chuck
did it!
We all did it.
I'm going to head out.
Hey, fuck.
butt the fuck you still doing here?
The movie's over.
Go the fuck home.
Look, that's what you do when a movie's over, you fucking leave.
And I know the crowd only had, like, 20 people, but it's fucking gone, so leave.
Okay. I love you. Thank you for being here.
Fuck.