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Downloaded from
YTS.BZ

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[Jimmy Fallon] Were you
at the, uh, White House final party?

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.BZ

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[Chris Rock] Yes! I was at the White--
Everybody was there.

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It was like… whoa. The last party
at the White House… [chuckles softly]

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-You been to the White House?
-[Jimmy] Yes.

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-It's amazing.
-[Jimmy] It's unbelievable.

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You walk in,
you see these humongous portraits

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of the presidents
everywhere you go, right?

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So I'm there, and it's me,
and Ahmir is there,

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and Jay-Z, Beyoncé, Oprah, Steve…

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It's like I died
and went to Black heaven, right?

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-[audience laughing]
-[Chris chuckles]

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-They were all…
-[Jimmy] Something to see.

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It was unbelievable.
There were a few white people there, too.

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But, uh… A couple…
Kid Rock or somebody. Anyway…

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[audience laughing]

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[chuckling] Somebody…
Katie Couric or something. And…

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[both laughing]

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-They had a couple.
-[Jimmy] Sure.

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There's a lot more now,
I'll tell you that.

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And…

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So…

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-[chuckles] It's a lot more now.
-[Jimmy laughing] Yeah.

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And they had entertainment--

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You're sitting around,
you're meeting people,

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and you mingle. First you mingle.

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And at one point,

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it's me and Michelle Obama just talking.

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I'm not really supposed to be alone
with Michelle Obama.

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It's not really my lane.
I don't know how to talk politics.

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And Michelle Obama's like,

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"I don't know what we're gonna do.
The country…"

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We're talking about election and stuff.

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"I don't know what's gonna happen.
This is such a crazy time."

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And I go, "You'll be aight."

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That's… I literally said that.

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I said that to Michelle.
I said, "You'll be aight."

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-[Jimmy] To the First Lady.
-And then I said,

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"You know…
you'll get any kind of job you want."

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"I mean, The View,
The Housewives of Atlanta."

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And she goes…

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And Michelle Obama
looks at me and is like,

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"I was talking about the country."

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-"I wasn't talking about me."
-The Housewives of Atlanta.

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"I was talking about the country."

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And I'd never felt so stupid in my life.

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It's like my GED flared up, you know?

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And she gives me a look like,
"Who let this nigga in my house?"

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She didn't say that,
but that's what the look was like.

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And then she goes,
"Oprah, I gotta talk to you."

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And she runs away from me,
and then I'm feeling dumb.

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I'm like, "Okay, I gotta find
some people as dumb as me."

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I gotta find my intelligence,

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so I'm like,
"Okay, where the athletes at?" Right?

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"Where are the athletes?"
Then I see Charles Barkley like,

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"Ah, my nigga." Right?

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[all laughing]

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So…

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I see Charles Barkley,
we talk for a minute, right?

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And then they ring a bell,
and you gotta go watch the entertainment.

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So it's me, Charles Barkley and Jay-Z

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going to this room
to watch the entertainment.

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First it was, uh, Herbie Hancock,

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and he was amazing, like…

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[imitates guitar]

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Then Stevie Wonder kinda snatches
the mic from Herbie Hancock, right?

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And starts playing his stuff
and puts some extra blind in it.

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You know what I mean?
Like, puts some, like…

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Puts some extra…

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[all laughing]

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You know what I mean?

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-So Stevie…
-[man] Check please.

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You know, 'cause Stevie…

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Stevie's been in the White House
more than most presidents.

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So when he acts like he don't know
where he's going, he's lying, right?

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He's been there
for nine presidents, right?

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So…

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So Stevie's playing
and me and Jay-Z get sad,

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'cause we realize
we're never gonna play the White House.

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-[Jimmy] Yeah.
-I mean, he's never gonna be like…

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♪ Jigga, what's my motherfucking name? ♪

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-That's never gonna happen.
-[Jimmy] I don't see it.

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That's not gonna happen. Not with one…

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-We're only on first Black president.
-[Jimmy] That's right.

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Black President 12,
there might be a Wu-Tang reunion,

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but not… Not…

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-Not now.
-[Jimmy] Not now. Not gonna happen.

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Not while we're in the single digits
of Black presidents, right?

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So… [chuckles]

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Then the party started,

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and Quest starts playing music,
and it's amazing.

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And we're dancing and it's a bunch
of Black people dancing our asses off.

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It is amazing. In this place…
In a place that slaves made.

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Okay? In a house that slaves--

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Black people enjoying
the White House, man.

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Just amazing.
And Sasha, Malia and the Obamas

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saying goodbye to people and everything.

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And as I'm walking out the White House,

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I look up on the wall and I see
a picture of George Washington

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with a bloody tear coming out of his eye.

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It's like…

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[audience cheering]

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[shouts] Chris Rock!

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["Backseat Freestyle"
by Kendrick Lamar playing]

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♪ Uh, Martin had a dream ♪

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♪ Martin had a dream ♪

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♪ Kendrick have a dream ♪

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♪ All my life I want money and power ♪

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♪ Respect my mind
Or die from lead shower ♪

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♪ I pray my dick
Get big as the Eiffel Tower ♪

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♪ So I can fuck the world for 72 hours ♪

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♪ Goddamn I feel amazin' ♪

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♪ Damn, I'm in the Matrix
My mind is livin' on cloud nine… ♪

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[Chris] Yeah.

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Please. Oh, sit down.

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Sit your asses down.

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Please let me get on with this show.

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It's nice to be here in Brooklyn.

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Brooklyn, where I'm from.

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Bed-Stuy, do or die.

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Right? Home of Biggie and Jay.

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Yes, I'm back. I'm in the neighborhood.

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You know, the more things change,
the more things stay the same.

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I'm walking around,
looking around today, and I wonder…

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You would think that cops
would occasionally shoot a white kid

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just to make it look good.

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You would think
that every couple of months,

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they'd look
at their dead nigga calendar and go,

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"Oh, my God. We're up to 16.
We gotta shoot a white kid quick."

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"Which one?"

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"Ah, the first one
you see singing Cardi B."

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[chuckles]

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That's right.
I mean, honestly, I wanna live in a world

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with real equality.

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I wanna live in a world
where an equal amount of white kids

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are shot every month.

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An equal world.

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I wanna see white mothers on TV crying,

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standing next to Al Sharpton…

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talking about, "We need justice for Chad."

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"We need justice for Chad."

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"He was just coming home
from racquetball practice."

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"No justice, no quiche."

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I know some people, like,
"Come on, Chris."

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"You're going too hard on the cops, man."

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"You're a celebrity.
I'm sure they'd let you go."

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"I'm sure they're nice to you.
You're a celebrity."

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Yeah, I'm famous, you know.

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But I'm not like Michael Jackson famous.

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I'm not famous from miles away.

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My fame kicks in right about here.

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When the cops see me
walking down the street,

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they're like,
"Nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga."

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"Hey, that's Chris Rock!"

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"Man, you are funny, man.
I love Pootie Tang, man."

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It's weird, man. It's weird.

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This whole thing with the cops, man.

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'Cause as a Black man, you have a…
Especially a grown Black man.

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I have a weird relationship
with the cops, man.

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Like on one hand, I'm a Black man,
so I'm like, "Fuck the police."

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And on the other hand, I own property.

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[laughter]

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If somebody comes and breaks in my house,

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I'm not calling the Crips.

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"Uh, yo, Crips,
can you send Little JJ down?"

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"Oh, he's here already?"

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"My bad. My bad."

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Here's the thing with the cops, though.

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I mean, being a cop's a hard job, man.
It's a hard fucking job, man.

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I mean, honestly,
I don't think they pay cops enough.

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I don't think they pay police enough…

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[scattered applause]

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…and you get what you pay for.

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[chuckling]

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But here's the thing, man.

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Whenever the cops gun down
an innocent Black man,

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they always say the same things.

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It's like, "Well, it's not most cops.
It's just a few bad apples."

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"It's just a few bad apples."

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"Bad apple"?
That's a lovely name for "murderer."

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I was like, "How'd they get that one?
'Bad apple.' That almost sounds nice."

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I mean, I've had a bad apple.

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It was tart.

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But it didn't choke me out.

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Here's the thing.

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I know it's hard being a cop.
I know it's hard.

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I know that shit's dangerous.
I know it is, okay?

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But some jobs can't have bad apples, okay?

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Some jobs, everybody got to be good.

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Like… pilots.

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You know?

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American Airlines can't be, like,
"Most of our pilots like to land."

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"We just got a few bad apples
that like to crash into mountains."

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"Please bear with us."

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Yeah, man.
This cop shit ain't gonna stop, man.

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But racism is not gonna stop.
It ain't never stopping.

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It's the American way, man.

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They used to have signs up
that said, "Whites only."

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They used to have signs up
that said, "No Blacks allowed."

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Now they got something new.

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It's called prices.

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That's right.
Prices are the new Jim Crow.

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The Four Seasons hotel
does not say, "No Blacks allowed."

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But a $4,000-a-night hotel suite
sure does.

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That ought to handle
your nigga problem right there.

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Prices are the new Jim Crow, baby.

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You know, Whole Foods does not say,
"No Blacks allowed."

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But a seven-dollar orange sure does.

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It says they don't want
my Black ass in here.

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A couple of white people are going,
"They don't want us in here either."

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Fuck Whole Foods, I need some Half Foods.

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America's insane, man.

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You gotta get your kids ready
for the white man.

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If you're not, then you're fucking up
as a parent, okay?

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I've been getting my kids ready
for the white man

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since they was born, okay?

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But even before they was born,

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I've been preparing them
for the white man. Yeah.

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That's right.
At my house, we don't have fire drills,

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we have whiter drills.

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So ever since my kids were born,

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I've been getting them ready
for the white man.

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So everything in my house
that's the color white

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is either hot, heavy or sharp.

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So my kids know
when they deal with anything white,

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they gotta think about that shit.

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They got to contemplate this shit.

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"Ooh. This napkin, okay.
Should I wipe my mouth with it

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or is that what Whitey wants me to do?"

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Ever since they was born,
everything in my house,

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hot, heavy, or sharp.

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They sit on a white toilet seat,
burn their ass.

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"Daddy, my ass is burning."

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"It's white, motherfucker, it's white.
That's what Whitey do."

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"He burn your fucking ass."

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"Pay attention!"

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Shit, when they was little girls,

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their white onesie weighed 150 pounds.

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"Daddy. Dad, it's so heavy."

241
00:14:19,900 --> 00:14:24,905
"It's so heavy.
This hurts. I can't even stand."

242
00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:26,699
"I can't even stand."

243
00:14:26,782 --> 00:14:28,993
"It's white, motherfucker, it's white."

244
00:14:29,076 --> 00:14:32,705
"That's what Whitey do.
He break your back."

245
00:14:40,462 --> 00:14:43,382
At their birthday party,
I gave them vanilla ice cream

246
00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:46,302
with glass in it.

247
00:14:52,683 --> 00:14:55,185
"Daddy, my tongue's bleeding."

248
00:14:56,061 --> 00:14:57,938
"You should've gotten chocolate."

249
00:15:08,365 --> 00:15:10,117
Oh, y'all think I'm joking, huh?

250
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:13,913
I go hard, too. I go fucking hard, man.

251
00:15:13,996 --> 00:15:15,789
I got girls and I go hard.

252
00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:19,793
So if you got a Black son,
you gotta just punch him in the face.

253
00:15:23,047 --> 00:15:26,175
As soon as he wakes up,
it's like, "Morning, nigga." Pow!

254
00:15:33,474 --> 00:15:37,811
Shit, if you got a Black son
and you don't punch him in the face,

255
00:15:37,895 --> 00:15:39,563
that's child abuse.

256
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,777
Shit, that's right, man.

257
00:15:44,860 --> 00:15:50,032
Some people say young Black teenagers
are an endangered species.

258
00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:53,077
But that's not true.

259
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:56,121
'Cause endangered species
are protected by the government.

260
00:16:05,881 --> 00:16:10,177
Yo, man.
You got to beat your Black son good.

261
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:13,430
You got to whoop that ass.

262
00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:16,517
It's important
that he follows your instructions.

263
00:16:17,101 --> 00:16:20,020
'Cause-- Hey,
'cause the world is fucked up, man.

264
00:16:20,104 --> 00:16:22,606
We've got a fucked up
justice system, okay?

265
00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:25,651
We've got a justice system
for Black, for white, for rich, for poor.

266
00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:30,948
We live in a country where two people
can do the exact same crime,

267
00:16:31,031 --> 00:16:34,159
in the exact same place,
at the exact same time,

268
00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:36,036
and get different sentences.

269
00:16:36,745 --> 00:16:37,621
Yo.

270
00:16:40,207 --> 00:16:44,795
Yo, the justice system in America
should be just like Walmart.

271
00:16:46,088 --> 00:16:49,133
Should be just like Walmart.

272
00:16:49,216 --> 00:16:54,138
Like, "Hey. If you can find
a lighter sentence, we'll match it."

273
00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:03,897
"They gave that white boy
two years for a kilo."

274
00:17:03,981 --> 00:17:05,399
"It's good, I'll take that."

275
00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:09,570
Cops shooting motherfuckers, man.

276
00:17:09,653 --> 00:17:12,364
You know, we got cop problems,

277
00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:13,907
prices problems,

278
00:17:13,991 --> 00:17:15,284
we got some gun problems.

279
00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:18,162
This gun shit ain't going nowhere, okay?

280
00:17:18,245 --> 00:17:21,081
Gun control.
There ain't never gonna be no gun control.

281
00:17:21,165 --> 00:17:24,418
Okay? You talk about it too long
and you will get shot.

282
00:17:26,253 --> 00:17:28,922
They will shoot your ass, okay?

283
00:17:29,923 --> 00:17:32,176
One of the reasons
is 'cause we all love guns.

284
00:17:32,968 --> 00:17:35,179
Love guns. I had a gun.

285
00:17:35,929 --> 00:17:37,473
That's right, comedian with a gun.

286
00:17:39,308 --> 00:17:41,602
Ooh, they're not laughing. Bang!

287
00:17:45,773 --> 00:17:47,775
Yeah, man. We don't care.

288
00:17:47,858 --> 00:17:50,360
America don't care about no guns.

289
00:17:50,444 --> 00:17:53,655
You shoot up a church, nobody cared.

290
00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:57,576
You shot up a school, nobody cared, man.

291
00:17:57,659 --> 00:18:00,954
You shot up a theatre, people are like,
"Should have had Netflix."

292
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:06,418
That's right.
They're never, ever changing the gun laws.

293
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:09,213
Somebody gets gunned down,
you see that shit on TV,

294
00:18:09,797 --> 00:18:14,718
next thing you know,
you watch TV and all you hear are clichés.

295
00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:15,761
You know?

296
00:18:15,844 --> 00:18:19,014
Fifty people, sixty people,
that many people, whatever, dead.

297
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:20,474
And somebody comes on and goes,

298
00:18:20,557 --> 00:18:25,729
"Well, we can't change the gun laws
'cause Americans need the right to hunt."

299
00:18:25,813 --> 00:18:27,940
"They need to hunt."
It was like, "Really?"

300
00:18:29,274 --> 00:18:33,237
Hunting's that fucking important?
I mean, I've been hunting.

301
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:36,490
I used to hunt with my grandfather
as a kid in South Carolina.

302
00:18:36,573 --> 00:18:40,202
Went hunting with my grandfather.
I shot a rabbit.

303
00:18:42,079 --> 00:18:43,247
I cried.

304
00:18:47,084 --> 00:18:48,544
He called me a faggot.

305
00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:56,885
And he's a preacher.

306
00:18:59,346 --> 00:19:00,681
[chuckles]

307
00:19:02,558 --> 00:19:07,020
They are never changing the gun laws,
no matter what, man.

308
00:19:07,104 --> 00:19:10,149
They will shoot 100 people in Vegas, okay?

309
00:19:10,232 --> 00:19:13,819
And somebody will come on TV,
you know, they'll just talk, like,

310
00:19:13,902 --> 00:19:19,199
"Hey, you know, guns don't kill people,
people kill people."

311
00:19:20,075 --> 00:19:22,452
That's what they'll say.
They'll shoot 100 people,

312
00:19:22,536 --> 00:19:24,621
and somebody will go,
"Guns don't kill people,

313
00:19:25,414 --> 00:19:27,124
people kill people."

314
00:19:27,749 --> 00:19:32,838
"As a matter of fact,
if the gunman would have had a knife,

315
00:19:33,922 --> 00:19:36,800
he could have
stabbed 100 people to death."

316
00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:39,011
That's what they say.

317
00:19:39,761 --> 00:19:41,805
They actually say that shit.

318
00:19:42,639 --> 00:19:44,141
On TV.

319
00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:48,395
Could have stabbed 100 people?

320
00:19:49,938 --> 00:19:51,190
Yo, check this out.

321
00:19:52,232 --> 00:19:56,111
If 100 people ever got stabbed

322
00:19:57,446 --> 00:19:59,448
at the same time,

323
00:20:00,532 --> 00:20:03,535
in the same place, by the same person,

324
00:20:05,245 --> 00:20:06,914
you know what that would mean?

325
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:12,336
Ninety-seven people deserved to die.

326
00:20:18,383 --> 00:20:20,302
What, you just watching this shit?

327
00:20:21,511 --> 00:20:23,388
"Oh, shit, somebody got stabbed."

328
00:20:24,181 --> 00:20:25,891
"Ooh, they stabbed somebody else."

329
00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:28,727
"Ooh, they stabbed somebody else."

330
00:20:28,810 --> 00:20:30,187
"Ooh, they getting closer."

331
00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:34,107
"Ooh, he stabbed me."

332
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:36,610
"I didn't see that coming."

333
00:20:37,569 --> 00:20:39,821
"Ooh, he stabbed the lady behind me."

334
00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:42,032
"He's a stabbing fool."

335
00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:45,369
"I guess that's why they call him Stabby."

336
00:20:49,289 --> 00:20:53,252
They are never changing
none of this gun shit, man.

337
00:20:53,335 --> 00:20:55,128
But you watch the news and it's like,

338
00:20:55,212 --> 00:20:57,923
"Well, we can't change the gun laws

339
00:20:58,006 --> 00:21:02,427
because every American has the right
to protect their home."

340
00:21:02,511 --> 00:21:06,014
Every American has the right
to protect their home.

341
00:21:06,098 --> 00:21:08,141
That's true. They got the right.

342
00:21:08,225 --> 00:21:12,854
But you ever notice
that almost all the mass shooters,

343
00:21:12,938 --> 00:21:15,023
none of them own homes?

344
00:21:16,483 --> 00:21:18,694
They all live with their fucking mothers.

345
00:21:20,487 --> 00:21:25,117
No, man. They gotta change the gun laws.
Here's the deal. Here's what I think.

346
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:31,081
I think, in order for you to get a gun
in the United States of America,

347
00:21:31,832 --> 00:21:34,751
you should have to have a mortgage.

348
00:21:39,965 --> 00:21:43,468
That's right.
That's a background check for your ass.

349
00:21:45,846 --> 00:21:50,392
Shit, if you got a 739 credit score,
you ain't killing nobody.

350
00:21:56,273 --> 00:21:58,442
See, the mortgage make you act right.

351
00:22:02,487 --> 00:22:04,990
How many times
you been ready to quit your job?

352
00:22:06,074 --> 00:22:08,910
Just ready to quit.
Like, "I can't take this shit."

353
00:22:09,494 --> 00:22:11,538
"These people don't know how to use me."

354
00:22:13,081 --> 00:22:15,042
"My skills are going to waste."

355
00:22:15,792 --> 00:22:18,378
"I'm too smart for these people.
I'm going in there tomorrow,

356
00:22:18,462 --> 00:22:20,130
and I'mma quit this job."

357
00:22:20,213 --> 00:22:22,758
And you walk in there,
and you think you gonna quit,

358
00:22:22,841 --> 00:22:25,844
and you see that boss
and you think, "That fucking mortgage."

359
00:22:27,846 --> 00:22:30,057
"I'mma be here 30 more years."

360
00:22:31,308 --> 00:22:32,684
"If I'm lucky."

361
00:22:32,768 --> 00:22:36,438
Shit, having a mortgage
make you act right.

362
00:22:36,521 --> 00:22:40,650
How many times you been ready
to smack the shit out of somebody at work?

363
00:22:42,486 --> 00:22:45,030
Just smack… Yeah, I ain't the only one.

364
00:22:45,864 --> 00:22:48,825
Just ready to smack the shit, like,

365
00:22:48,909 --> 00:22:52,120
"I can't believe this motherfucker
think they can talk to me this way."

366
00:22:52,746 --> 00:22:55,499
"Tomorrow, I'mma smack the shit
outta this one."

367
00:22:56,291 --> 00:22:57,876
You start doing push-ups.

368
00:22:59,336 --> 00:23:01,630
You dip your hand in lard.

369
00:23:03,256 --> 00:23:05,759
"I'mma smack him with a crispy hand."

370
00:23:07,302 --> 00:23:12,265
"I'm gonna have
a layer of crispy on my hand

371
00:23:12,349 --> 00:23:14,684
when I smack this motherfucker."

372
00:23:15,394 --> 00:23:18,897
"That's right.
I might Buffalo smack this motherfucker."

373
00:23:18,980 --> 00:23:21,316
Dip it in some hot sauce, too.

374
00:23:22,192 --> 00:23:26,530
And right before-- You getting ready
to smack the shit out this motherfucker.

375
00:23:26,613 --> 00:23:28,407
You run up to him, you're like… "Whoo!"

376
00:23:29,408 --> 00:23:31,410
"You lucky I'm trying to re-finance."

377
00:23:38,917 --> 00:23:41,294
That's right.
Mortgage makes you act right.

378
00:23:42,003 --> 00:23:45,215
There ain't nothing better
than a good mortgage.

379
00:23:46,091 --> 00:23:47,926
If you got a good mortgage,

380
00:23:48,552 --> 00:23:50,095
God has blessed you.

381
00:23:52,556 --> 00:23:55,016
"Wh-Wh-What is a good mortgage?"
you might ask.

382
00:23:55,684 --> 00:23:59,104
A mortgage that allows you
to live your life.

383
00:24:00,272 --> 00:24:02,983
To do things, to go places, to buy shit.

384
00:24:04,109 --> 00:24:06,319
If you got a mortgage that's like that,

385
00:24:06,403 --> 00:24:09,823
then your God has shined His light on you.

386
00:24:12,492 --> 00:24:15,203
But if you got a bad mortgage, whoo…

387
00:24:16,621 --> 00:24:18,248
Hell hath no fury

388
00:24:19,499 --> 00:24:20,625
like a bad mortgage.

389
00:24:20,709 --> 00:24:22,294
"What is a bad mortgage?" you ask.

390
00:24:22,377 --> 00:24:28,091
Well, a bad mortgage is any mortgage
that doesn't allow you to do anything

391
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:30,927
but pay your motherfucking mortgage.

392
00:24:32,971 --> 00:24:35,265
That is a bad mortgage.

393
00:24:35,348 --> 00:24:37,058
You can't go nowhere,

394
00:24:37,142 --> 00:24:39,769
you can't even
come to this motherfucking show.

395
00:24:41,438 --> 00:24:43,940
You gotta watch Delirious on VCR.

396
00:24:48,403 --> 00:24:49,488
That's right.

397
00:24:50,989 --> 00:24:53,200
When you got a bad mortgage, boy,

398
00:24:53,283 --> 00:24:55,702
you need to get your eyebrows done
one at a time.

399
00:24:58,497 --> 00:25:01,082
"I'mma get the left done right now,

400
00:25:01,833 --> 00:25:05,337
and in about three weeks,
I might get the right done."

401
00:25:06,463 --> 00:25:07,506
"I might."

402
00:25:08,298 --> 00:25:10,175
"I don't know
if I'm gonna have the money."

403
00:25:10,926 --> 00:25:13,053
"I'm trying to go to Whole Foods later."

404
00:25:14,012 --> 00:25:15,222
"Shit's expensive."

405
00:25:15,972 --> 00:25:20,060
That's right.
One of them bad Suge Knight mortgages…

406
00:25:21,686 --> 00:25:23,939
where your house
is just looking at you, like,

407
00:25:24,022 --> 00:25:25,857
"Where's my money, bitch?"

408
00:25:29,444 --> 00:25:31,363
"It's death row, motherfucker!"

409
00:25:36,034 --> 00:25:40,121
That's right. Nothing like a bad mortgage.
Like, you all fucked up.

410
00:25:40,205 --> 00:25:43,083
That's right.
Where you're like a meth addict.

411
00:25:43,166 --> 00:25:45,126
And the house is the dealer.

412
00:25:45,961 --> 00:25:50,590
And you're like, "Please, I'm just trying
to get this basement fixed."

413
00:25:50,674 --> 00:25:53,843
"I'll do anything. I'll suck your dick."

414
00:26:00,684 --> 00:26:03,728
If you got one of those mortgages,
just get out of that shit.

415
00:26:03,812 --> 00:26:05,438
Ain't no shame in renting.

416
00:26:06,356 --> 00:26:08,441
Just rent, motherfucker, rent, man.

417
00:26:09,025 --> 00:26:12,237
It is so good to be here right now.

418
00:26:12,320 --> 00:26:14,656
I'm just glad to be back. I've been…

419
00:26:19,995 --> 00:26:22,581
I've been so busy, man. I've been busy.

420
00:26:22,664 --> 00:26:25,625
People are like, "Where you been?"
I've been busy. Trying to raise some kids.

421
00:26:26,876 --> 00:26:27,877
That shit's a job.

422
00:26:28,545 --> 00:26:30,589
Trying to raise these kids, man.

423
00:26:30,672 --> 00:26:33,592
You know, sometimes I watch the news,
and people are like…

424
00:26:33,675 --> 00:26:36,428
Whenever there's some crazy,
racist thing, people always go,

425
00:26:36,511 --> 00:26:38,888
"Well, children…"

426
00:26:40,557 --> 00:26:42,350
"Children don't…"

427
00:26:42,434 --> 00:26:44,477
"They're not born racist."

428
00:26:44,561 --> 00:26:46,313
"You have to teach them to hate."

429
00:26:46,938 --> 00:26:50,358
That's what people always say.
"Children are born loving."

430
00:26:50,442 --> 00:26:52,068
"You have to teach them to hate."

431
00:26:52,986 --> 00:26:58,033
It's the biggest crock of bullshit
I have ever heard in my life.

432
00:26:58,116 --> 00:27:04,456
Kids are the most racist, sexist,
homophobic, mean motherfuckers

433
00:27:04,539 --> 00:27:07,334
on the face of the Earth.

434
00:27:07,417 --> 00:27:10,629
You don't teach your kid to love.

435
00:27:10,712 --> 00:27:14,049
Raising your child is just
beating the hate out of them.

436
00:27:15,634 --> 00:27:17,969
That's all it is.

437
00:27:18,053 --> 00:27:21,890
Kids are mean motherfuckers, okay?

438
00:27:21,973 --> 00:27:23,099
What the-- Are you--

439
00:27:23,183 --> 00:27:25,310
My daughter,
when she was little, was like,

440
00:27:25,393 --> 00:27:29,814
"Daddy, that lady,
she's so scary. I'm so scared."

441
00:27:29,898 --> 00:27:32,275
"Oh, my God, Daddy. She's a monster."

442
00:27:32,359 --> 00:27:34,444
I'm like, "No, she's Asian, Lola."

443
00:27:35,737 --> 00:27:40,116
"Stop it. Okay?
You racist brat. Stop it. "

444
00:27:41,951 --> 00:27:47,707
"Daddy, that man, he's got antennas.
He's gonna eat me. He's scary."

445
00:27:47,791 --> 00:27:51,711
"No, it's dreadlocks, Lola. Stop it."

446
00:27:51,795 --> 00:27:54,464
Kids are fucking mean.

447
00:27:55,215 --> 00:27:57,258
Are you fucking kidding me?

448
00:27:57,342 --> 00:28:00,136
When my kid was two, she was biting kids

449
00:28:00,220 --> 00:28:01,846
on the playground.

450
00:28:02,430 --> 00:28:04,808
You think I taught her to bite kids?

451
00:28:07,769 --> 00:28:10,146
No, that was her natural state.

452
00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:16,152
She came out of the womb like Wolverine.

453
00:28:17,529 --> 00:28:19,906
Just tearing fucking kids up.

454
00:28:20,573 --> 00:28:23,368
Kids are horrible people.

455
00:28:24,327 --> 00:28:27,205
That's right.
Pre-school is just jail with milk.

456
00:28:32,460 --> 00:28:33,378
So…

457
00:28:33,837 --> 00:28:34,879
[chuckles]

458
00:28:35,380 --> 00:28:39,968
"Kids have to learn to hate."
Get the fuck out of here.

459
00:28:40,677 --> 00:28:44,222
Yo, man. So, I'm with my daughter,
this year she started high school.

460
00:28:44,305 --> 00:28:46,182
My oldest started high school. Yep.

461
00:28:46,933 --> 00:28:48,393
[scattered applause]

462
00:28:48,476 --> 00:28:51,688
Yep, yep. Kept her off the pole and now…

463
00:28:52,605 --> 00:28:54,149
Started high school.

464
00:28:55,859 --> 00:28:59,362
So I had to go with her
to a freshman orientation.

465
00:29:00,196 --> 00:29:01,698
You ever go to a freshman orientation?

466
00:29:01,781 --> 00:29:05,452
It's the most boring thing
you will ever do with your kids.

467
00:29:05,535 --> 00:29:08,455
You know, 'cause you sit
in an auditorium, quite like this,

468
00:29:09,038 --> 00:29:11,499
with a couple thousand kids,

469
00:29:11,583 --> 00:29:16,296
and people come up
and speak and just lie to children.

470
00:29:17,297 --> 00:29:20,258
That's all that happens all day
is people come up

471
00:29:20,341 --> 00:29:23,970
and lie to children about the future.

472
00:29:24,053 --> 00:29:26,598
I'm sitting there
and this lady comes up and goes,

473
00:29:26,681 --> 00:29:30,643
"I want you children to know,
you can be anything you wanna be."

474
00:29:31,436 --> 00:29:35,857
"You can be absolutely anything
you wanna be."

475
00:29:35,940 --> 00:29:39,194
I'm like, "Lady, why are you lying
to these children?"

476
00:29:39,986 --> 00:29:43,406
"Maybe four of them
could be anything they wanna be."

477
00:29:45,241 --> 00:29:48,661
"But the other 2,000
better learn how to weld."

478
00:29:51,498 --> 00:29:54,167
"Shit. I'm looking
at these kids right now."

479
00:29:54,250 --> 00:29:57,086
"I count at least 60 Uber drivers."

480
00:30:01,007 --> 00:30:05,261
"They could be anything they wanna be."
Shut the fuck up.

481
00:30:05,345 --> 00:30:07,555
Really? They could be
anything they wanna be?

482
00:30:08,097 --> 00:30:10,141
Then how come you're a vice principal?

483
00:30:12,352 --> 00:30:13,645
Was that the dream?

484
00:30:15,188 --> 00:30:18,191
Did you dress up like a vice principal
when you was a kid?

485
00:30:18,900 --> 00:30:21,152
Put your little vice principal hat on?

486
00:30:22,862 --> 00:30:24,781
Tell the kids the truth.

487
00:30:25,406 --> 00:30:27,116
Tell the kids the fucking truth!

488
00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:30,370
Say, "Hey, kids…
Check this out. Check this out."

489
00:30:30,453 --> 00:30:33,540
"You could be anything you're good at,

490
00:30:34,624 --> 00:30:36,543
as long as they're hiring."

491
00:30:44,425 --> 00:30:47,053
"And even then,
it helps to know somebody."

492
00:30:49,514 --> 00:30:53,351
So I'm sitting there,
I'm in school and I'm watching this shit,

493
00:30:53,434 --> 00:30:58,565
and it dawned on me
that this orientation wasn't right.

494
00:30:59,274 --> 00:31:01,401
You know, 'cause I got Black kids, man.

495
00:31:02,151 --> 00:31:05,071
I'm sitting there,
I'm like, "I don't think this is right."

496
00:31:05,947 --> 00:31:07,991
I think they need separate orientations.

497
00:31:09,617 --> 00:31:13,913
I think they need a Black orientation,
white, gay, straight, Mexican, whatever.

498
00:31:14,497 --> 00:31:16,875
'Cause the Black kids, you're in…

499
00:31:16,958 --> 00:31:20,420
You know, you get ready to face
a whole nother world.

500
00:31:20,503 --> 00:31:23,965
I got Black kids.
I got to get them ready for the white man.

501
00:31:24,716 --> 00:31:28,720
I got to get them ready for America, man.
You know?

502
00:31:28,803 --> 00:31:31,764
That's right. You know?
Not the white man that's here tonight.

503
00:31:31,848 --> 00:31:32,891
You guys all right.

504
00:31:34,225 --> 00:31:36,436
Y'all cool. Every one of you,

505
00:31:36,519 --> 00:31:39,564
I want you to know every dime
you spent tonight is going towards

506
00:31:39,647 --> 00:31:41,941
putting little Black girls
through private school.

507
00:31:49,282 --> 00:31:52,744
Anybody ask you what you did tonight,
you go, "I made a difference."

508
00:31:56,414 --> 00:31:59,208
I was doing a movie a couple of years ago,

509
00:31:59,292 --> 00:32:03,880
and one of my bullies
was working security on the movie.

510
00:32:05,089 --> 00:32:05,924
Shit.

511
00:32:06,007 --> 00:32:12,722
A guy who literally one day,
in school, turned me upside down

512
00:32:12,805 --> 00:32:15,099
and shook the money out of my pockets.

513
00:32:15,183 --> 00:32:18,603
And I'm filming a scene…
This is in Top Five.

514
00:32:18,686 --> 00:32:22,899
And I look and I'm like,
"Is that B?" I'll just say B.

515
00:32:22,982 --> 00:32:27,111
And he nodded, kinda…
He was kind of ashamed.

516
00:32:27,195 --> 00:32:31,616
I just gave him, just a quick look,
like, "Hey, man. I hope you doing well."

517
00:32:31,699 --> 00:32:32,533
"You take care."

518
00:32:32,617 --> 00:32:35,703
And I kept it moving.
I didn't like, "Get him off the set!"

519
00:32:35,787 --> 00:32:36,871
"Get him fired!"

520
00:32:36,955 --> 00:32:40,249
It's like his sin has punished him.
He could've been my friend.

521
00:32:40,333 --> 00:32:41,709
-Right.
-[Chris] Know what I mean?

522
00:32:41,793 --> 00:32:44,212
He could've been in the trailer
with us watching The Godfather.

523
00:32:44,295 --> 00:32:47,840
You know what I mean? The fact
that he had to go through that whole day

524
00:32:47,924 --> 00:32:50,218
and watch me walk around and watch me--

525
00:32:50,301 --> 00:32:51,928
I was directing a movie.

526
00:32:52,011 --> 00:32:55,306
And watch me be me in all my glory.

527
00:32:55,390 --> 00:33:00,520
And to be so close to me,
but yet so motherfucking far.

528
00:33:00,603 --> 00:33:02,772
-Right, you got your revenge.
-[Chris] You know?

529
00:33:02,855 --> 00:33:05,274
I didn't have to do anything.
You ever watch Bugs Bunny?

530
00:33:05,358 --> 00:33:06,651
-Bugs Bunny?
-All the time.

531
00:33:06,734 --> 00:33:09,278
When did Elmer Fudd
get really mad at Bugs Bunny?

532
00:33:09,362 --> 00:33:11,572
Not when he shot him
in the face with an anvil,

533
00:33:11,656 --> 00:33:13,950
not when he hit him
over the head with a rock.

534
00:33:14,033 --> 00:33:15,660
You know when Elmer Fudd got really mad?

535
00:33:15,743 --> 00:33:17,537
When Bugs Bunny kissed him.

536
00:33:17,620 --> 00:33:20,289
[Howard chuckles] Yeah, that's true.

537
00:33:20,373 --> 00:33:23,084
That's when he would lose his mind.

538
00:33:23,167 --> 00:33:28,339
And when somebody does you wrong,
just give 'em a kiss.

539
00:33:28,423 --> 00:33:31,342
So, I'm at the school. I'm at the school,

540
00:33:31,426 --> 00:33:34,053
and the lady comes back out.

541
00:33:34,137 --> 00:33:38,307
She goes, "I want you to know
the school has absolutely no bullies."

542
00:33:38,891 --> 00:33:40,893
"We have a no-bully policy."

543
00:33:40,977 --> 00:33:43,021
"We don't permit bullying."

544
00:33:43,688 --> 00:33:46,774
"Any bullies will be
kicked out of school immediately."

545
00:33:47,442 --> 00:33:51,821
And right then, I wanted
to take my daughter out the school.

546
00:33:53,114 --> 00:33:56,075
I was, like, "What kinda
half-assed education is this?"

547
00:33:58,369 --> 00:34:02,457
I mean, school is supposed
to prepare you for life.

548
00:34:03,708 --> 00:34:05,752
Life has assholes.

549
00:34:07,128 --> 00:34:11,215
And you should learn how to deal with them
as soon as possible.

550
00:34:12,216 --> 00:34:16,387
God forbid you wait till you're 30
to find out people ain't shit.

551
00:34:20,308 --> 00:34:22,310
That's a lesson you need quick.

552
00:34:23,352 --> 00:34:26,314
I know I said you gotta
punch your Black son in the face,

553
00:34:26,397 --> 00:34:29,776
but, honestly, I believe all children
should be punched in the face.

554
00:34:31,819 --> 00:34:33,821
Preferably by another child.

555
00:34:34,781 --> 00:34:36,866
'Cause once
you've been punched in the face,

556
00:34:36,949 --> 00:34:38,576
you learn how to talk to people.

557
00:34:40,536 --> 00:34:41,704
You learn tone.

558
00:34:49,378 --> 00:34:51,881
That's right.
A lot of teeth been lost over tone.

559
00:34:53,841 --> 00:34:56,594
That's right.
One of the problems with the world

560
00:34:56,677 --> 00:35:00,681
is we got too many people
telling their kids how special they are.

561
00:35:01,349 --> 00:35:04,352
These souped-up kids
walking the streets today

562
00:35:04,435 --> 00:35:06,312
thinking they're fucking special.

563
00:35:06,813 --> 00:35:08,940
I'm walking down the street,
there's always some kid,

564
00:35:09,023 --> 00:35:13,152
"Hey, good work, Chris.
Really funny, Chris. Love your work."

565
00:35:13,236 --> 00:35:15,154
I'm like, "It's Mr. Rock, bitch."

566
00:35:21,577 --> 00:35:24,872
Stop telling your kids
that they special.

567
00:35:24,956 --> 00:35:26,749
Maybe they special to you.

568
00:35:28,251 --> 00:35:31,003
But not to me. I don't play that shit.

569
00:35:31,087 --> 00:35:34,215
Look, every day
before my kids leave for school,

570
00:35:34,298 --> 00:35:37,093
I get them at the door,
I'm like, "Lola, Zahra, check this out."

571
00:35:37,176 --> 00:35:41,347
"Soon as you leave this door,
nobody gives a fuck about you."

572
00:35:42,306 --> 00:35:46,602
"Nobody in the whole world
gives a fuck about you."

573
00:35:46,686 --> 00:35:49,188
"Nobody thinks you're cute,
nobody thinks you're smart,

574
00:35:49,272 --> 00:35:51,357
nobody gives a fuck about your opinion,

575
00:35:51,440 --> 00:35:54,569
nobody on the whole Earth

576
00:35:54,652 --> 00:35:58,573
outside of this door
gives a fuck about you."

577
00:36:01,534 --> 00:36:02,869
"Nobody."

578
00:36:03,369 --> 00:36:06,372
"And even some of the people
inside the house,

579
00:36:07,957 --> 00:36:09,542
a little on the fence."

580
00:36:14,714 --> 00:36:16,090
We need bullies.

581
00:36:16,174 --> 00:36:18,885
How the fuck do you have a school
with no bullies?

582
00:36:18,968 --> 00:36:21,345
Bullies do half the work.

583
00:36:22,221 --> 00:36:23,097
That's right.

584
00:36:23,181 --> 00:36:27,435
Teachers do one half,
bullies do the whole other half.

585
00:36:27,518 --> 00:36:31,397
And that's the half
you're gonna use as a fucking grown-up.

586
00:36:31,898 --> 00:36:35,234
That's right.
Who gives a fuck if you can code…

587
00:36:36,944 --> 00:36:40,448
if you start crying
because your boss didn't say hi?

588
00:36:45,995 --> 00:36:49,332
"You fucking weak bitch.
Get the fuck away from me."

589
00:36:50,750 --> 00:36:52,668
I'm tired of this shit, man.

590
00:36:52,752 --> 00:36:54,712
We need bullies!

591
00:36:55,963 --> 00:36:58,841
Who's gonna solve
the problems of the world?

592
00:36:58,925 --> 00:37:00,927
Who's gonna figure out global warming?

593
00:37:01,010 --> 00:37:03,471
Who's gonna cure cancer?

594
00:37:03,554 --> 00:37:05,640
Who's gonna eradicate poverty?

595
00:37:06,474 --> 00:37:07,683
You know who's gonna do it?

596
00:37:07,767 --> 00:37:12,271
Some kid getting his ass kicked
by a bully, that's who.

597
00:37:12,355 --> 00:37:13,356
That's right.

598
00:37:13,439 --> 00:37:16,484
Do you understand, "Nerds rule the world"?

599
00:37:17,610 --> 00:37:21,447
Always have, always will. Okay?

600
00:37:21,530 --> 00:37:24,909
I've never gotten a check
from somebody taller than me.

601
00:37:34,210 --> 00:37:35,544
And I ain't that tall.

602
00:37:37,755 --> 00:37:39,548
Thanks a lot, Mr. Weinstein.

603
00:37:43,678 --> 00:37:48,349
That's how it goes, man.
Bullies rule-- We need bullies.

604
00:37:48,432 --> 00:37:49,350
Need 'em.

605
00:37:49,934 --> 00:37:53,312
You think kids were nice
to Bill Gates in high school?

606
00:37:54,355 --> 00:37:57,817
"Hey, Gates,
you Charlie Brown-looking motherfucker."

607
00:37:58,734 --> 00:38:01,862
"Fuck you, Gates, you four-eyed bitch."

608
00:38:02,947 --> 00:38:07,201
"Fuck you and your Windows,
you gape-toothed motherfucker."

609
00:38:08,202 --> 00:38:11,414
"I'mma smack
the shit out of you, you fucking Gate."

610
00:38:11,497 --> 00:38:15,293
"Gate, motherfucker.
You can't get in the gate, Gates."

611
00:38:19,130 --> 00:38:23,634
You think kids were nice
to Mark Zuckerberg in high school?

612
00:38:23,718 --> 00:38:25,261
"Hey, Zuckerfuck."

613
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:33,436
"Zuckerfucker, motherzucker, motherzuck,
zucker, motherzuck, suck-my-nuts-er,

614
00:38:33,519 --> 00:38:36,188
zucker, motherzucker, motherzuck,

615
00:38:36,272 --> 00:38:39,734
zuckermother,
zuckermother, motherzucker."

616
00:38:43,487 --> 00:38:47,908
He invented Facebook after somebody
smacked him in the face with a book.

617
00:38:57,626 --> 00:39:00,588
He invented Facebook just to get friends.

618
00:39:02,965 --> 00:39:04,925
We need bullies.

619
00:39:05,009 --> 00:39:09,430
Shit. Pressure makes diamonds, not hugs.

620
00:39:12,058 --> 00:39:14,518
Hug a piece of coal
and watch what you get.

621
00:39:15,644 --> 00:39:17,063
You get a dirty shirt.

622
00:39:22,151 --> 00:39:25,863
That's right. Bullies are the fertilizer
that help good people to grow.

623
00:39:26,947 --> 00:39:29,742
If you want pretty flowers,
you need a little shit.

624
00:39:33,662 --> 00:39:36,415
I'm telling you, we need fucking bullies.

625
00:39:36,499 --> 00:39:39,418
That's why there's so many
fat kids in school right now.

626
00:39:40,503 --> 00:39:42,880
'Cause there's nobody
to take their lunch money.

627
00:39:51,097 --> 00:39:52,890
You know what they buy
with all that money?

628
00:39:52,973 --> 00:39:54,058
Seconds.

629
00:39:57,395 --> 00:39:59,730
We need bullies, man.

630
00:39:59,814 --> 00:40:01,190
And I hate when people go,

631
00:40:01,273 --> 00:40:03,567
"Well, you know what,
cyberbullying's worse."

632
00:40:04,318 --> 00:40:05,194
Shut up.

633
00:40:05,986 --> 00:40:09,657
I never heard of anybody getting
cyber-kicked down a flight of stairs.

634
00:40:11,283 --> 00:40:14,703
I never heard of anybody getting
a cyber-bag of piss thrown at them.

635
00:40:15,746 --> 00:40:16,872
[chuckles]

636
00:40:16,956 --> 00:40:18,207
We need fucking bullies.

637
00:40:18,290 --> 00:40:20,501
Shit. That's how Trump became president.

638
00:40:21,419 --> 00:40:23,337
That's exactly what happened.

639
00:40:23,421 --> 00:40:25,172
We got rid of bullies,

640
00:40:25,256 --> 00:40:30,302
a real bully showed up,
and nobody knew how to handle him.

641
00:40:37,726 --> 00:40:39,854
I'm trying to get my life together, man.

642
00:40:39,937 --> 00:40:41,981
I'm trying to get
a little religion in my life.

643
00:40:42,898 --> 00:40:43,816
Just a little.

644
00:40:45,526 --> 00:40:46,735
Just a little.

645
00:40:48,237 --> 00:40:50,239
Religion's kind of like salt.

646
00:40:53,200 --> 00:40:57,163
A sprinkle's good,
but too much will fuck up the meal.

647
00:40:59,373 --> 00:41:01,917
I mean, I'm basically trying to find God…

648
00:41:02,751 --> 00:41:04,295
before God finds me.

649
00:41:09,550 --> 00:41:11,635
But God never finds you at a good time.

650
00:41:12,470 --> 00:41:15,639
You're never sitting courtside
at a Knick game,

651
00:41:15,723 --> 00:41:18,142
getting a hand job from Halle Berry,

652
00:41:18,893 --> 00:41:20,269
and God shows up.

653
00:41:20,352 --> 00:41:21,979
"Strokes a good dick, don't she?"

654
00:41:23,230 --> 00:41:27,568
"I made her.
I made your dick, too. Enjoy the game."

655
00:41:31,530 --> 00:41:34,074
God never shows up at those times.

656
00:41:34,158 --> 00:41:37,036
No, God shows up
after you've been raped in jail.

657
00:41:41,081 --> 00:41:43,083
And you're in jail for parking tickets.

658
00:41:51,050 --> 00:41:55,387
Now, if you're in jail for murder
and somebody's raping you,

659
00:41:55,471 --> 00:41:58,265
you're like,
"Okay, I guess this is what I deserve."

660
00:41:59,391 --> 00:42:03,771
"I did kill somebody.
Now, somebody's killing my ass."

661
00:42:05,356 --> 00:42:06,482
"Rape on."

662
00:42:09,735 --> 00:42:11,987
But if you're in jail for parking tickets

663
00:42:12,988 --> 00:42:15,699
and somebody's fucking you in your ass,

664
00:42:16,742 --> 00:42:19,828
you're like…
"I should have moved that car."

665
00:42:27,753 --> 00:42:29,213
"What was I thinking?"

666
00:42:30,381 --> 00:42:31,924
"I thought it was Good Friday."

667
00:42:33,467 --> 00:42:35,135
"They keep moving Easter."

668
00:42:38,305 --> 00:42:41,350
I'm trying to find God
before God finds me.

669
00:42:41,433 --> 00:42:44,979
But it's so hard, it's so hard,
'cause I'm such piece of shit.

670
00:42:46,522 --> 00:42:49,400
I try to be good,
but I'm such a piece of shit.

671
00:42:49,483 --> 00:42:52,486
The other day,
I gave the homeless guy five dollars.

672
00:42:53,153 --> 00:42:56,407
Should've been a good deed.
Should've been a good deed.

673
00:42:56,490 --> 00:42:59,243
But I didn't
give him five dollars for him,

674
00:42:59,326 --> 00:43:01,412
I gave him five dollars for me.

675
00:43:02,788 --> 00:43:05,791
That's right. You ever give
or do something good

676
00:43:05,874 --> 00:43:08,002
just hoping God will notice you?

677
00:43:12,089 --> 00:43:15,175
It's like, I basically was trying
to kick-start a blessing.

678
00:43:18,262 --> 00:43:23,642
Like, I was basically looking at God
as I was giving this bum some money,

679
00:43:23,726 --> 00:43:26,228
like, "Look at me, Lord.
I'm a good person."

680
00:43:27,521 --> 00:43:29,148
"Shine your light on me."

681
00:43:31,025 --> 00:43:35,613
And I'm so full of shit,
everybody I spoke to that day,

682
00:43:35,696 --> 00:43:38,699
I slipped in
that I gave this guy five dollars.

683
00:43:40,159 --> 00:43:42,119
No matter what they was talking about,

684
00:43:42,202 --> 00:43:43,370
"Hey, man, you see LeBron?"

685
00:43:43,454 --> 00:43:45,748
"No, I was too busy
giving this bum some money."

686
00:43:47,207 --> 00:43:48,417
"I had no time."

687
00:43:49,877 --> 00:43:53,422
And I'm bragging
about giving him five dollars.

688
00:43:53,505 --> 00:43:56,508
Meanwhile, I had about 400 in my pocket.

689
00:43:57,509 --> 00:44:00,554
I'm going past big money
to give him little money.

690
00:44:00,638 --> 00:44:03,515
I'm like, "No, no,
can't have that. Nope, nope."

691
00:44:03,599 --> 00:44:05,976
"Nope, nope, not for you. Nope, nope."

692
00:44:06,060 --> 00:44:08,604
"That's for strippers later. Nope, nope."

693
00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:10,439
[chuckles]

694
00:44:11,607 --> 00:44:14,860
I gave him enough
to get something at McDonalds,

695
00:44:14,943 --> 00:44:16,236
but nothing to drink.

696
00:44:21,450 --> 00:44:24,328
"Get yourself a number eight… dry."

697
00:44:29,041 --> 00:44:31,460
Just trying to find God
before God finds me.

698
00:44:31,543 --> 00:44:32,836
I'm so fucked up, man.

699
00:44:33,754 --> 00:44:35,798
A lot of religion in the news, man.

700
00:44:35,881 --> 00:44:37,883
We ever watch the news, it's always like,

701
00:44:37,966 --> 00:44:40,219
they're always talking
about religious extremists.

702
00:44:40,302 --> 00:44:43,764
We're at war with extremists. Extremists.

703
00:44:43,847 --> 00:44:45,766
What is a religious extremist?

704
00:44:46,725 --> 00:44:51,605
A religious extremist is a person
that extremely believes in God.

705
00:44:52,898 --> 00:44:57,403
You think you believe in God,
no, they extremely believe in God.

706
00:44:57,486 --> 00:45:01,949
Like, "God coming back
on Wednesday at 2:30."

707
00:45:02,032 --> 00:45:03,200
"I got tickets."

708
00:45:05,160 --> 00:45:07,037
"Fantasia's opening for him."

709
00:45:08,664 --> 00:45:10,624
"I hear Charlie Wilson might stop by."

710
00:45:12,084 --> 00:45:15,963
That's right, religious extremists
extremely believe in God,

711
00:45:16,046 --> 00:45:18,340
and occasionally blow shit up.

712
00:45:19,508 --> 00:45:21,427
Which is odd when you think about it.

713
00:45:21,510 --> 00:45:23,137
'Cause if you truly believe in God,

714
00:45:23,220 --> 00:45:26,348
you believe that God created
the Earth, the moon, the stars, the Sun.

715
00:45:26,432 --> 00:45:30,185
You believe that God is
the most powerful being in the universe.

716
00:45:30,269 --> 00:45:33,647
So if you believe God's
the most powerful being in the universe,

717
00:45:33,731 --> 00:45:36,442
why would He need your help?

718
00:45:38,068 --> 00:45:39,528
What is that shit?

719
00:45:40,487 --> 00:45:42,656
And-- That's right.

720
00:45:45,284 --> 00:45:46,326
I mean, here's the thing.

721
00:45:46,410 --> 00:45:50,706
I think the act
of helping God is sacrilegious.

722
00:45:51,665 --> 00:45:55,169
If you think you can help God out,
you don't believe in God.

723
00:45:55,252 --> 00:45:58,046
That's right. If you really had faith,
you'd really have faith.

724
00:45:58,130 --> 00:46:02,426
I mean, check this out.
I haven't been to church in ten years.

725
00:46:03,135 --> 00:46:04,887
Now, that's believing in God.

726
00:46:09,641 --> 00:46:12,269
Shit, you go every week
'cause you don't trust God.

727
00:46:15,481 --> 00:46:16,815
Is God here yet?

728
00:46:19,026 --> 00:46:21,737
Trying to find God
before God finds me, man.

729
00:46:21,820 --> 00:46:26,033
Another thing religious extremists
messed up, man, air travel.

730
00:46:26,867 --> 00:46:28,952
Just ruined it, man.

731
00:46:29,036 --> 00:46:30,871
Remember, it used to be fun to fly?

732
00:46:31,622 --> 00:46:35,209
You could have a 12:00 flight
and leave your house at 11:30.

733
00:46:37,377 --> 00:46:38,420
And make it.

734
00:46:39,087 --> 00:46:43,008
Remember, you used to be
able to pick grandmother up at the gate?

735
00:46:44,092 --> 00:46:46,136
That's right.
Now, by the time you get her,

736
00:46:46,220 --> 00:46:47,513
she done had a heart attack.

737
00:46:53,393 --> 00:46:56,230
She's just dead
going around the conveyor belt.

738
00:47:02,861 --> 00:47:04,613
"You got a ticket for dead Grandma?"

739
00:47:07,825 --> 00:47:10,911
And they got all this security,
they take your shoes,

740
00:47:10,994 --> 00:47:12,621
they take your shampoo.

741
00:47:13,664 --> 00:47:16,083
When did shampoo become so dangerous?

742
00:47:16,834 --> 00:47:20,212
They take your shampoo,
you get through security,

743
00:47:20,295 --> 00:47:23,173
and then they sell shampoo
at the gift shop.

744
00:47:24,550 --> 00:47:27,803
Sometimes, they're trying
to sell you your own shampoo back.

745
00:47:29,388 --> 00:47:31,265
I know my Prell when I see it.

746
00:47:33,976 --> 00:47:35,602
Yo, I'm tired of all the security.

747
00:47:35,686 --> 00:47:38,814
Yo, they need an airline
for people that don't give a fuck.

748
00:47:40,482 --> 00:47:42,192
They need an airline…

749
00:47:44,611 --> 00:47:48,866
They need an airline
with absolutely no security

750
00:47:48,949 --> 00:47:51,034
for people that are in a hurry,

751
00:47:51,118 --> 00:47:54,454
and willing to take their lives
in their own hands.

752
00:47:56,039 --> 00:47:57,457
That's what they need.

753
00:47:58,250 --> 00:48:01,628
I'll pay an extra $50 for that shit.

754
00:48:01,712 --> 00:48:03,630
They need to call it Risky Airlines.

755
00:48:05,132 --> 00:48:08,218
That's right.
Risky Airlines. Muslims half price.

756
00:48:11,388 --> 00:48:14,474
That's right. The bigger the beard,
the more legroom you get.

757
00:48:18,061 --> 00:48:19,396
They won't even have tickets.

758
00:48:20,188 --> 00:48:22,399
They just stamp your hand
like you at a club.

759
00:48:25,485 --> 00:48:27,487
You'll be like, "I was in already."

760
00:48:37,664 --> 00:48:41,209
At Risky Airlines,
all our pilots are bad apples.

761
00:48:47,507 --> 00:48:51,345
No, man. Just trying to find God
before God finds me, man.

762
00:48:51,428 --> 00:48:52,804
Tomorrow's Sunday.

763
00:48:52,888 --> 00:48:54,556
I love getting up on a Sunday

764
00:48:54,640 --> 00:48:57,184
and watching the preachers.
Preachers.

765
00:48:57,267 --> 00:49:00,354
I just love watching the preachers.
It's like, you know…

766
00:49:00,437 --> 00:49:02,189
My man, T.D. Jakes.

767
00:49:03,857 --> 00:49:05,359
Creflo Dollar.

768
00:49:06,360 --> 00:49:07,736
Joel Osteen.

769
00:49:08,445 --> 00:49:10,948
Check 'em all out, man.
Here's my question.

770
00:49:11,949 --> 00:49:14,159
Why's God always so broke?

771
00:49:18,038 --> 00:49:21,541
God has been suffering
financial difficulties…

772
00:49:22,751 --> 00:49:24,252
for quite some time.

773
00:49:24,336 --> 00:49:25,921
What the fuck?

774
00:49:26,004 --> 00:49:28,298
Does God have a bad mortgage?
What is…

775
00:49:29,424 --> 00:49:31,301
What is going on?

776
00:49:31,385 --> 00:49:34,513
Who pays God's taxes, Wesley Snipes?

777
00:49:35,681 --> 00:49:37,307
[chuckles]

778
00:49:37,391 --> 00:49:40,143
What's going on? I don't understand.

779
00:49:40,727 --> 00:49:41,561
Whoo!

780
00:49:42,270 --> 00:49:43,605
The Devil's never broke.

781
00:49:44,940 --> 00:49:47,275
Devil making it rain at the strip club.

782
00:49:48,652 --> 00:49:50,779
You never see the Devil on TV going,

783
00:49:50,862 --> 00:49:53,323
"Hey, this evil
ain't gonna pay for itself."

784
00:49:58,161 --> 00:50:00,622
Nah, man. But I love religion.

785
00:50:00,706 --> 00:50:03,709
I love watching religion,
studying religion.

786
00:50:03,792 --> 00:50:07,796
The cool thing about religion
is no matter who you pray to,

787
00:50:07,879 --> 00:50:09,756
no matter what you study,

788
00:50:10,382 --> 00:50:15,178
every religion follows one basic premise,

789
00:50:15,262 --> 00:50:19,307
one basic idea
that every religion follows.

790
00:50:19,391 --> 00:50:24,563
And that premise is,
"God doesn't make mistakes."

791
00:50:25,772 --> 00:50:27,482
Every religion believes that. Everybody.

792
00:50:27,566 --> 00:50:31,028
[imitating preacher] "God does not make…

793
00:50:34,448 --> 00:50:35,991
mistakes."

794
00:50:36,950 --> 00:50:38,326
"I say God…

795
00:50:39,870 --> 00:50:41,580
does not… [shrilly] make…

796
00:50:43,498 --> 00:50:44,958
mistakes."

797
00:50:49,254 --> 00:50:50,964
God don't make no mistakes?

798
00:50:52,007 --> 00:50:53,550
That's… Okay.

799
00:50:54,342 --> 00:50:56,470
That's a pretty ambitious thing to say.

800
00:50:57,220 --> 00:50:58,221
No mistakes?

801
00:50:58,764 --> 00:50:59,973
You ever read the Bible?

802
00:51:01,141 --> 00:51:04,644
What does the Bible say
happened on the seventh day?

803
00:51:05,437 --> 00:51:07,105
"God rested."

804
00:51:07,731 --> 00:51:12,611
Okay. Seems odd
that a perfect being would rest.

805
00:51:15,489 --> 00:51:16,823
Let me ask you a question.

806
00:51:17,616 --> 00:51:19,951
Have you ever been performing a task,

807
00:51:20,911 --> 00:51:22,537
it was going perfect,

808
00:51:23,538 --> 00:51:26,166
and you took a rest?

809
00:51:28,085 --> 00:51:30,295
Has that ever happened in your life?

810
00:51:30,921 --> 00:51:32,172
No!

811
00:51:32,255 --> 00:51:34,716
That has never fucking happened to you.

812
00:51:34,800 --> 00:51:37,803
What's happened to you was
you were performing a task,

813
00:51:37,886 --> 00:51:39,179
you fucked up,

814
00:51:40,472 --> 00:51:42,390
and you thought, "Let me rest…

815
00:51:43,350 --> 00:51:45,560
before I fuck this up some more."

816
00:51:50,816 --> 00:51:54,277
"God doesn't make mistakes."
Hush your mouth.

817
00:51:55,320 --> 00:51:57,239
God makes plenty of mistakes.

818
00:51:57,322 --> 00:51:58,740
You ever see a porcupine?

819
00:52:01,409 --> 00:52:03,328
Can't eat it, can't hug it.

820
00:52:04,454 --> 00:52:07,332
It's ugly, sticky,
shitting all over the place.

821
00:52:07,916 --> 00:52:08,917
Mistake!

822
00:52:14,005 --> 00:52:15,757
What about quicksand?

823
00:52:17,134 --> 00:52:18,927
Sand you can drown in.

824
00:52:19,928 --> 00:52:21,680
You can drown dry.

825
00:52:22,931 --> 00:52:25,684
Do you think God meant to make quicksand?

826
00:52:26,685 --> 00:52:27,519
Mistake.

827
00:52:30,772 --> 00:52:32,649
You ever been to Mississippi?

828
00:52:36,862 --> 00:52:37,988
Mistake!

829
00:52:38,905 --> 00:52:42,659
M-I-S-S-T-A-K-E!

830
00:52:47,831 --> 00:52:48,999
Fucking kidding me?

831
00:52:49,082 --> 00:52:51,751
Just a big hunk of racist dirt.

832
00:52:53,170 --> 00:52:56,423
Fucking Mississippi.
I was there couple of months ago.

833
00:52:57,090 --> 00:52:59,050
I couldn't even tell what year it was.

834
00:53:00,427 --> 00:53:03,263
That's how fucked up
and ghetto that shit was.

835
00:53:03,346 --> 00:53:04,890
Like, goddamn!

836
00:53:05,515 --> 00:53:07,184
You know what Mississippi's like?

837
00:53:08,268 --> 00:53:10,437
You know like
when you go to the Caribbean?

838
00:53:11,229 --> 00:53:15,192
You know when you go to the Caribbean,
you land and you get in that van.

839
00:53:16,776 --> 00:53:18,195
That drive.

840
00:53:18,278 --> 00:53:20,989
That scary-ass drive…

841
00:53:21,781 --> 00:53:24,910
from the airport to the resort.

842
00:53:26,369 --> 00:53:29,331
You're looking out the window
and you're like, "What the fuck?"

843
00:53:30,332 --> 00:53:33,460
"What the fuck is that shit?"

844
00:53:33,543 --> 00:53:35,253
"Oh, my God."

845
00:53:35,921 --> 00:53:36,922
"Whoa!"

846
00:53:37,464 --> 00:53:39,674
You see little kids eating dreadlocks.

847
00:53:44,679 --> 00:53:47,057
You see Shabba Ranks stabbing a dog.

848
00:53:47,140 --> 00:53:51,436
Shabba, Shabba, Shabba, Shabba!

849
00:53:56,233 --> 00:53:58,693
People looking like
they'd never saw a car before.

850
00:54:08,203 --> 00:54:09,746
"Wheel! Wheel!"

851
00:54:11,623 --> 00:54:14,626
Then you get to the resort
and you're like, "Jamaica's nice."

852
00:54:23,051 --> 00:54:25,470
"It's so nice.
We should invite your mother."

853
00:54:29,349 --> 00:54:30,267
Shit.

854
00:54:31,017 --> 00:54:33,561
They give you one piña colada…

855
00:54:35,230 --> 00:54:36,231
[sucking sound]

856
00:54:36,314 --> 00:54:39,901
…and you forgive
the worst poverty you've ever seen.

857
00:54:40,610 --> 00:54:42,821
[chuckles]

858
00:54:44,906 --> 00:54:46,658
You take one sip, you're like,

859
00:54:47,325 --> 00:54:49,577
"That baby wasn't really dead, right?"

860
00:54:57,460 --> 00:54:59,296
"I can't wait to Jet Ski."

861
00:55:00,839 --> 00:55:02,007
[chuckles]

862
00:55:04,259 --> 00:55:07,345
Trying to find God before God finds me.

863
00:55:08,305 --> 00:55:10,181
Trying to get my life together, man.

864
00:55:10,265 --> 00:55:13,977
I had a crazy-- Last few years
have been crazy for me, man.

865
00:55:14,728 --> 00:55:18,106
Uh, you know, taking care of my kids, man.

866
00:55:18,189 --> 00:55:19,524
I got divorced.

867
00:55:20,275 --> 00:55:22,027
Divorced. No, no, don't…

868
00:55:22,110 --> 00:55:23,611
[scattered applause]

869
00:55:23,695 --> 00:55:26,906
No, don't clap for that shit
unless you're a lawyer.

870
00:55:29,034 --> 00:55:32,620
You don't wanna get divorced,
let me tell you right now.

871
00:55:32,704 --> 00:55:35,415
I'm talking from hell.
You don't want this shit.

872
00:55:36,249 --> 00:55:39,461
Tell you right, if you got somebody
you love, hold tight.

873
00:55:40,253 --> 00:55:41,880
That's right. Hold fucking tight.

874
00:55:42,797 --> 00:55:43,923
Commit.

875
00:55:44,007 --> 00:55:46,885
Don't be the one that's always
threatening to leave, too.

876
00:55:46,968 --> 00:55:49,804
That's right.
Love hard or get the fuck out.

877
00:55:49,888 --> 00:55:52,515
If you're gonna leave, leave right now.

878
00:55:53,266 --> 00:55:55,143
That's right, at the show, right now.

879
00:55:57,562 --> 00:55:59,147
That's right, just break up.

880
00:55:59,230 --> 00:56:01,191
We got break up booths in the back.

881
00:56:02,817 --> 00:56:05,195
That's right.
But before you leave, you better…

882
00:56:05,278 --> 00:56:07,405
You better make sure you got some options.

883
00:56:08,823 --> 00:56:11,326
'Cause some of y'all
been in a relationship so long,

884
00:56:11,409 --> 00:56:13,370
you don't know how ugly you are.

885
00:56:20,293 --> 00:56:23,713
Before you leave,
just take off all your clothes,

886
00:56:24,589 --> 00:56:26,383
stand in a mirror, like…

887
00:56:30,095 --> 00:56:32,180
"This is what I'm putting on the market."

888
00:56:34,391 --> 00:56:35,475
[chuckles]

889
00:56:36,184 --> 00:56:38,937
Do I need sit-ups or counseling?

890
00:56:40,563 --> 00:56:41,689
That's right.

891
00:56:41,773 --> 00:56:46,444
Love hard or get the fuck out, okay?

892
00:56:46,528 --> 00:56:47,821
You hear me?

893
00:56:47,904 --> 00:56:49,239
I'm telling you right now.

894
00:56:50,156 --> 00:56:51,658
If you're in a relationship,

895
00:56:51,741 --> 00:56:55,954
all you should be doing
is fucking and going places.

896
00:56:57,414 --> 00:56:59,541
That's all you should be doing.

897
00:57:01,418 --> 00:57:03,795
Having sex and traveling.

898
00:57:03,878 --> 00:57:05,630
Fucking and going places.

899
00:57:05,713 --> 00:57:07,298
You should be coming and going.

900
00:57:11,428 --> 00:57:14,055
That's all you should be doing, okay?

901
00:57:14,139 --> 00:57:16,057
People say, "Relationships are tough."

902
00:57:16,141 --> 00:57:17,225
No, they not.

903
00:57:17,308 --> 00:57:19,894
They're only tough
when one person is working on it.

904
00:57:20,645 --> 00:57:23,648
That's right.
Two people can move a couch real easy.

905
00:57:25,442 --> 00:57:27,569
One person can't move it at all.

906
00:57:28,278 --> 00:57:30,029
That's right. If you're in a relationship,

907
00:57:30,113 --> 00:57:32,073
let me try to help you right now, okay?

908
00:57:32,157 --> 00:57:34,117
I'm trying to fucking help you, okay?

909
00:57:35,076 --> 00:57:36,828
Okay. First rule, rule one,

910
00:57:37,787 --> 00:57:39,456
stop competing.

911
00:57:40,248 --> 00:57:42,041
It's not a fucking competition.

912
00:57:42,584 --> 00:57:43,460
That's right.

913
00:57:43,960 --> 00:57:48,256
Her success is your success
and your success is her success.

914
00:57:48,756 --> 00:57:50,842
Stop competing.

915
00:57:52,635 --> 00:57:54,721
Stop it, okay?

916
00:57:54,804 --> 00:57:58,433
Number two. Number two, okay?

917
00:58:00,185 --> 00:58:02,562
There is no equality in a relationship.

918
00:58:04,063 --> 00:58:05,815
It's like, "We equals." No, you're not.

919
00:58:06,399 --> 00:58:08,485
You're both there to serve.

920
00:58:09,027 --> 00:58:12,280
You are in the service industry, okay?

921
00:58:13,156 --> 00:58:17,243
That's right. When you are
in a relationship, you're in a band.

922
00:58:18,536 --> 00:58:19,871
You're in a fucking band.

923
00:58:20,497 --> 00:58:24,876
And when you're in a band,
you have roles that you play in the band.

924
00:58:25,543 --> 00:58:30,298
Sometimes you sing lead,
and sometimes you're on tambourine.

925
00:58:35,136 --> 00:58:38,348
And if you're on tambourine,
play it right.

926
00:58:39,807 --> 00:58:41,017
Play it right.

927
00:58:41,100 --> 00:58:43,019
Play it with a fucking smile.

928
00:58:43,853 --> 00:58:47,273
'Cause nobody wants to see
a mad tambourine player.

929
00:58:58,159 --> 00:59:01,871
If you gonna play tambourine,
you play that motherfucker right.

930
00:59:01,955 --> 00:59:05,583
You play it with your ass, like,
"Tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine."

931
00:59:05,667 --> 00:59:07,877
"A tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine."

932
00:59:07,961 --> 00:59:09,629
"A tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine."

933
00:59:10,213 --> 00:59:12,090
"A tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine."

934
00:59:14,676 --> 00:59:16,010
Play it like Tina Turner.

935
00:59:17,929 --> 00:59:19,347
That's right, you in a band.

936
00:59:20,390 --> 00:59:21,683
It's like Hall & Oates.

937
00:59:22,684 --> 00:59:24,185
I don't know what Oates does.

938
00:59:26,980 --> 00:59:29,148
But Hall never had
a hit record without him.

939
00:59:34,612 --> 00:59:36,948
Yeah. You wanna stay together.

940
00:59:37,031 --> 00:59:38,283
How do you stay together?

941
00:59:38,866 --> 00:59:40,118
You gotta fuck.

942
00:59:42,036 --> 00:59:45,623
It's that simple. You gotsta fuck.

943
00:59:47,125 --> 00:59:49,502
People will say,
"Oh, when we got together,

944
00:59:49,586 --> 00:59:52,714
it was so much fun
but then problems arose."

945
00:59:52,797 --> 00:59:56,050
No, they didn't. Nothing arose.

946
00:59:57,343 --> 01:00:01,806
Every problem you have today,
you had when you met.

947
01:00:02,307 --> 01:00:04,934
But you were fucking, so you forgave.

948
01:00:11,524 --> 01:00:14,611
That's right.
You knew he didn't do dishes.

949
01:00:16,988 --> 01:00:18,615
But he gave you good dick.

950
01:00:20,241 --> 01:00:22,660
That was a swell trade, dick for dishes.

951
01:00:24,037 --> 01:00:26,247
You used to love washing them dick dishes.

952
01:00:30,877 --> 01:00:32,879
So you knew she couldn't cook,

953
01:00:33,838 --> 01:00:35,506
but she licked your balls.

954
01:00:37,175 --> 01:00:39,552
You're like,
"Ah, keep licking. We'll order in."

955
01:00:43,931 --> 01:00:46,059
You gotsta fuck.

956
01:00:46,601 --> 01:00:48,186
You got to fuck. You gotta keep it up.

957
01:00:49,062 --> 01:00:51,898
And you gotta fuck
no matter what mood you in.

958
01:00:52,440 --> 01:00:55,234
You got to keep the shit moving.

959
01:00:55,318 --> 01:00:58,154
You can't wait for the Holy Ghost
to just get you.

960
01:01:00,948 --> 01:01:02,825
That's right. That's right.

961
01:01:02,909 --> 01:01:04,702
Ladies, are you listening to me?

962
01:01:05,870 --> 01:01:08,665
Sometimes you gotta suck
a melancholy dick.

963
01:01:17,632 --> 01:01:19,300
You got to do what you got to do.

964
01:01:20,051 --> 01:01:22,553
'Cause I can eat pussy in a horrible mood.

965
01:01:27,141 --> 01:01:29,268
"I can't believe
there's no gas in the car."

966
01:01:37,443 --> 01:01:39,737
"I can't believe
there's so much mold in the basement."

967
01:01:44,867 --> 01:01:47,036
Shit, I'd eat pussy on 9/11.

968
01:01:52,500 --> 01:01:53,876
Where were you?

969
01:02:02,969 --> 01:02:06,180
No, man, you gotsta fuck, man.

970
01:02:06,723 --> 01:02:09,642
Dude, I was married for 16 years.

971
01:02:10,518 --> 01:02:12,895
For 16 years. Yes, that's a long run.

972
01:02:12,979 --> 01:02:14,480
Hamilton won't last that long.

973
01:02:16,149 --> 01:02:20,570
I was married for 16 years
in the era of the cell phone,

974
01:02:21,821 --> 01:02:22,989
which means…

975
01:02:24,073 --> 01:02:30,037
my 16 years is actually longer
than my parents' 40.

976
01:02:31,247 --> 01:02:36,502
In my 16 years,
I had more contact with my ex-wife

977
01:02:36,586 --> 01:02:40,590
than my parents had in 40 fucking years.

978
01:02:41,424 --> 01:02:46,554
Think about it. My father used to leave
for work at 6:30 in the morning,

979
01:02:46,637 --> 01:02:49,932
come home at 8:30 at night,

980
01:02:50,016 --> 01:02:54,812
and during the day,
him and my mother had no contact at all.

981
01:02:56,314 --> 01:02:59,358
That's what a fucking relationship
used to be.

982
01:03:00,693 --> 01:03:02,987
That's right. The kids could've died,

983
01:03:04,197 --> 01:03:07,867
and he wouldn't have found that shit out
till he got home.

984
01:03:09,660 --> 01:03:11,037
He'd be like, "The kids died?"

985
01:03:11,120 --> 01:03:12,663
"What time?" "About eight hours ago."

986
01:03:12,747 --> 01:03:13,664
"Oh, shit."

987
01:03:18,044 --> 01:03:21,380
They had no contact at all. That's what…

988
01:03:21,464 --> 01:03:24,842
Everybody's parents in here,
that's what a relationship was.

989
01:03:24,926 --> 01:03:28,554
When they got together,
they actually used to talk.

990
01:03:28,638 --> 01:03:29,889
You know why?

991
01:03:29,972 --> 01:03:33,643
'Cause each one of them
had pertinent information

992
01:03:34,602 --> 01:03:36,687
that was useful to the other one.

993
01:03:37,897 --> 01:03:38,898
That's right.

994
01:03:38,981 --> 01:03:40,149
"Baby, how was your day?"

995
01:03:40,233 --> 01:03:42,443
"Whitey didn't get me."
"Didn't get me, either."

996
01:03:43,945 --> 01:03:45,238
"I love you."

997
01:03:46,906 --> 01:03:48,950
You know why else they used to talk?

998
01:03:49,033 --> 01:03:51,661
You know why else?
'Cause they used to miss each other.

999
01:03:51,744 --> 01:03:54,622
They used to actually miss each other.

1000
01:03:55,122 --> 01:03:57,375
You can't miss nobody today.

1001
01:03:58,459 --> 01:04:00,378
They right in your back pocket.

1002
01:04:01,087 --> 01:04:03,756
They with you all the fucking time.

1003
01:04:04,340 --> 01:04:06,467
That's right. Soon as you leave the house,

1004
01:04:06,551 --> 01:04:10,471
you get a fucking beep,
you get a text, you get a FaceTime,

1005
01:04:10,555 --> 01:04:12,682
you get a fucking Snapchat,

1006
01:04:12,765 --> 01:04:16,269
you get some
kind of fucking communication.

1007
01:04:16,352 --> 01:04:19,772
Then your woman got the nerve to go,
"You act like you don't wanna talk."

1008
01:04:22,108 --> 01:04:25,570
"What are you talking about?
I know everything you did today,

1009
01:04:26,821 --> 01:04:28,865
and I know how people felt about it."

1010
01:04:31,200 --> 01:04:33,786
"That's right.
I read the comments, motherfucker."

1011
01:04:35,580 --> 01:04:38,249
"I gave you five likes, bitch. Shit."

1012
01:04:41,544 --> 01:04:44,297
"I gave you three smiley faces
and a eggplant."

1013
01:04:48,050 --> 01:04:49,594
"Now, get off my back."

1014
01:04:54,181 --> 01:04:56,392
Dude, I was not, like, a good husband.

1015
01:04:56,475 --> 01:04:58,936
I was fucked up, you know.

1016
01:04:59,520 --> 01:05:01,022
I was addicted to porn.

1017
01:05:02,732 --> 01:05:05,234
I know,
billion-dollar industry, just me, right?

1018
01:05:10,197 --> 01:05:13,951
I was addicted to porn, and, you know…

1019
01:05:14,035 --> 01:05:16,287
I was 15 minutes late everywhere.

1020
01:05:22,043 --> 01:05:23,836
I got some witnesses.

1021
01:05:24,837 --> 01:05:27,131
When you watch too much porn,
you know what happens?

1022
01:05:27,214 --> 01:05:28,466
Here's what happens to you.

1023
01:05:28,549 --> 01:05:31,510
You become, like, sexually autistic.

1024
01:05:33,429 --> 01:05:36,015
You develop, like, sexual autism.

1025
01:05:36,766 --> 01:05:41,854
You have a hard time
with eye contact and verbal cues.

1026
01:05:42,855 --> 01:05:45,483
You want everything to be routine.

1027
01:05:45,566 --> 01:05:48,110
Like, you can't
choke your woman every night.

1028
01:05:49,820 --> 01:05:53,449
You got to mix it up. Choke-Out Thursdays.

1029
01:05:55,034 --> 01:05:56,369
[chuckles]

1030
01:05:57,036 --> 01:05:58,996
And what happens
when you watch too much porn?

1031
01:05:59,080 --> 01:06:01,248
You get desensitized, you know?

1032
01:06:01,332 --> 01:06:04,502
When you start watching porn,
it's like any porn will do.

1033
01:06:04,585 --> 01:06:06,379
Like, "Ah, they're naked." Ooh-hoo!

1034
01:06:07,088 --> 01:06:10,007
Then, later on, now you're all fucked up

1035
01:06:10,091 --> 01:06:13,052
and you need a perfect porn cocktail…

1036
01:06:14,637 --> 01:06:16,389
to get you off, you know?

1037
01:06:16,472 --> 01:06:17,765
I was so fucked up.

1038
01:06:17,848 --> 01:06:22,144
I'd need a Asian girl
with a Black girl's ass

1039
01:06:22,853 --> 01:06:24,230
that speaks Spanish…

1040
01:06:27,942 --> 01:06:30,653
just to get my dick to move an inch.

1041
01:06:34,073 --> 01:06:36,951
I'm good now. Man, I had to go to rehab,

1042
01:06:37,034 --> 01:06:38,327
get the porn patch.

1043
01:06:40,913 --> 01:06:42,248
I'm a lot better now.

1044
01:06:42,331 --> 01:06:44,917
Ladies, that's right,
take care of your man.

1045
01:06:45,001 --> 01:06:47,461
Fellas, take care of your wife,
your girlfriend.

1046
01:06:47,545 --> 01:06:50,589
Take care of her or she will leave you.

1047
01:06:51,716 --> 01:06:55,177
She will leave you
either physically or mentally.

1048
01:06:55,970 --> 01:06:58,139
A woman can leave you mentally.

1049
01:07:00,099 --> 01:07:03,936
That's right, like Star Trek,
just telepath out this motherfucker.

1050
01:07:05,146 --> 01:07:08,274
There's guys, they think
they're with their wife right now.

1051
01:07:11,360 --> 01:07:14,071
But no, nigga, she left you months ago.

1052
01:07:15,656 --> 01:07:17,616
She just came 'cause you got tickets.

1053
01:07:22,038 --> 01:07:24,123
She ain't with you, she with me.

1054
01:07:29,462 --> 01:07:31,797
Man, the older you get,
the bullshit you learn…

1055
01:07:31,881 --> 01:07:34,967
One thing,
the gangster-est shit in the world.

1056
01:07:35,051 --> 01:07:38,054
You learn nothing more gangster,

1057
01:07:38,679 --> 01:07:40,347
nothing smarter,

1058
01:07:40,431 --> 01:07:43,309
nothing more powerful than a housewife.

1059
01:07:44,226 --> 01:07:47,396
Housewives are the smartest
motherfuckers on Earth.

1060
01:07:47,980 --> 01:07:50,483
People think it's the working woman. No.

1061
01:07:50,566 --> 01:07:51,984
Suckers work.

1062
01:07:53,944 --> 01:07:55,154
[chuckles]

1063
01:07:57,281 --> 01:07:58,365
That's right.

1064
01:07:58,449 --> 01:08:01,619
Smart people
find other people to work for them.

1065
01:08:03,037 --> 01:08:04,455
That's right, that's right.

1066
01:08:04,538 --> 01:08:06,332
They got The Housewives of Atlanta.

1067
01:08:06,415 --> 01:08:08,709
They don't got
The Working Bitches of Atlanta.

1068
01:08:11,504 --> 01:08:13,422
Nobody would watch that show.

1069
01:08:14,381 --> 01:08:16,425
A housewife's a bad motherfucker, boy.

1070
01:08:17,093 --> 01:08:19,553
'Cause a housewife
has convinced her husband

1071
01:08:20,221 --> 01:08:21,889
that it's his house, too.

1072
01:08:23,849 --> 01:08:27,061
There's a lot of guys in here,
right now, think they own a house,

1073
01:08:27,853 --> 01:08:29,063
think it's their house, too.

1074
01:08:29,146 --> 01:08:32,942
No, she took that house years ago,

1075
01:08:33,734 --> 01:08:35,569
and the kids were in on it.

1076
01:08:37,404 --> 01:08:38,864
That's right.

1077
01:08:38,948 --> 01:08:40,783
The housewife is a bad motherfucker.

1078
01:08:40,866 --> 01:08:43,994
'Cause the housewife got a little time.
That's right.

1079
01:08:44,078 --> 01:08:46,914
So before Daddy come home,
the housewife get the kids together

1080
01:08:46,997 --> 01:08:48,874
and they rehearse a little play…

1081
01:08:50,960 --> 01:08:52,837
that they do when Daddy get home.

1082
01:08:52,920 --> 01:08:55,965
"Daddy gonna be here in five minutes.
You know your lines?"

1083
01:08:56,549 --> 01:08:57,424
"I miss you, Daddy."

1084
01:08:57,508 --> 01:08:58,926
"Good. Good."

1085
01:09:01,053 --> 01:09:04,014
"You say that soon as he walk in, okay?"

1086
01:09:04,098 --> 01:09:06,976
"I need you to grab his leg
and don't let go."

1087
01:09:07,977 --> 01:09:11,021
"I'm gonna give him
a big piece of chicken,

1088
01:09:12,314 --> 01:09:17,027
and when he fall asleep,
we go back to having our house. Ha-ha!"

1089
01:09:21,157 --> 01:09:24,743
That's right, fellas,
you don't own a house.

1090
01:09:25,369 --> 01:09:27,538
If you live with a woman,
you don't have a house.

1091
01:09:27,621 --> 01:09:28,956
That is her fucking house.

1092
01:09:29,039 --> 01:09:32,543
The only man
that owns anything is a single man, okay?

1093
01:09:32,626 --> 01:09:34,253
And, fellas, here's a test right now.

1094
01:09:34,336 --> 01:09:37,756
If you really think you own a house…
Just a test.

1095
01:09:38,424 --> 01:09:41,177
Okay, fellas, tonight, when you go home,

1096
01:09:41,260 --> 01:09:42,678
I want you to try…

1097
01:09:43,345 --> 01:09:45,181
I want you to try…

1098
01:09:45,806 --> 01:09:47,641
Fellas, when you go home tonight,

1099
01:09:47,725 --> 01:09:52,521
I want you to try
to hang up a picture of your mother.

1100
01:10:01,947 --> 01:10:03,365
It's your house, right?

1101
01:10:04,116 --> 01:10:05,284
Give it a shot.

1102
01:10:07,786 --> 01:10:08,871
"What's that?"

1103
01:10:08,954 --> 01:10:11,832
"It's a picture of my mother."
"I don't like that frame."

1104
01:10:15,377 --> 01:10:17,880
You'll never see that picture again.

1105
01:10:20,049 --> 01:10:22,218
Maybe at your mother's funeral,

1106
01:10:23,052 --> 01:10:24,970
she'll go, "Look what I found."

1107
01:10:25,804 --> 01:10:27,431
Motherfucker.

1108
01:10:28,807 --> 01:10:32,519
And don't get mad.
Do not get mad at your woman.

1109
01:10:32,603 --> 01:10:35,022
Whatever you do, do not get mad.

1110
01:10:35,731 --> 01:10:39,026
'Cause if you get mad at your woman,
she will get mad at you.

1111
01:10:40,778 --> 01:10:44,198
And you're mad 'cause you can't
hang up a picture of your mother.

1112
01:10:44,281 --> 01:10:46,575
But she's mad at you

1113
01:10:46,659 --> 01:10:48,619
for having the audacity

1114
01:10:49,328 --> 01:10:50,996
to get mad at her.

1115
01:10:52,581 --> 01:10:56,168
You're actually mad
about a actual thing she did.

1116
01:10:56,877 --> 01:11:02,049
And she's just mad that you had the nerve
to react to the thing that she did.

1117
01:11:02,883 --> 01:11:06,220
You didn't do nothing,
now you gotta apologize

1118
01:11:06,845 --> 01:11:08,180
to move this shit on.

1119
01:11:08,264 --> 01:11:10,391
Like, "Hey, baby, I'm sorry."

1120
01:11:10,474 --> 01:11:13,394
"I should've known
my mother's face didn't deserve

1121
01:11:14,561 --> 01:11:16,772
to be on the walls of our house."

1122
01:11:16,897 --> 01:11:20,943
"Uh, I will never do
something that stupid again."

1123
01:11:21,485 --> 01:11:25,656
"Uh, maybe I'll hang it up
in my office or something."

1124
01:11:26,532 --> 01:11:29,535
"I would appreciate it.
Um, thank you. Thank you, honey."

1125
01:11:30,119 --> 01:11:32,079
"I love you." [chuckles]

1126
01:11:32,621 --> 01:11:34,873
"If it helps, fuck my mother.
Okay? Fuck her."

1127
01:11:35,791 --> 01:11:37,793
[chuckles]

1128
01:11:41,255 --> 01:11:43,549
Oh, man. And if she gets real mad…

1129
01:11:44,133 --> 01:11:46,427
If your woman gets real mad,

1130
01:11:46,510 --> 01:11:48,470
then she'll issue a pussy strike.

1131
01:11:50,264 --> 01:11:51,307
You don't want that.

1132
01:11:52,683 --> 01:11:54,643
Nothing worse than a pussy strike.

1133
01:11:55,436 --> 01:11:58,397
That's right.
Remember the pussy strike of 2013?

1134
01:11:59,898 --> 01:12:01,650
That was a tense negotiation.

1135
01:12:02,484 --> 01:12:03,986
The union was tough.

1136
01:12:05,237 --> 01:12:08,657
That's right, man.
Pussy strike. Pussy embargo.

1137
01:12:10,367 --> 01:12:11,744
Pussy sanctions.

1138
01:12:12,286 --> 01:12:14,371
Treat your dick like it's Cuba.

1139
01:12:16,999 --> 01:12:20,627
That's right.
Pussy strike is the most deadly weapon

1140
01:12:20,711 --> 01:12:22,713
in the female arsenal.

1141
01:12:23,505 --> 01:12:26,300
But it has to be deployed correctly.

1142
01:12:27,301 --> 01:12:29,678
Lot of women don't know
how to give the pussy strike.

1143
01:12:30,679 --> 01:12:34,933
That's right. Some of y'all don't know
how to give a proper pussy strike.

1144
01:12:36,352 --> 01:12:39,772
Here's the thing about a pussy strike.

1145
01:12:40,689 --> 01:12:43,025
The pussy strike only works

1146
01:12:43,525 --> 01:12:47,196
if you fuck your husband regularly.

1147
01:12:51,200 --> 01:12:54,661
That's right. You can't threaten a man
with sex he don't ever get.

1148
01:12:57,081 --> 01:13:00,250
It's like, "I ain't gonna suck your dick."
"You don't suck my dick now."

1149
01:13:02,294 --> 01:13:05,381
"What other fantasy things
are you gonna take out my life?"

1150
01:13:07,466 --> 01:13:09,760
"You want to take the keys
to my spaceship?"

1151
01:13:13,806 --> 01:13:15,974
"You want to take my pet tiger?
What else?"

1152
01:13:16,600 --> 01:13:18,394
"What else you gonna take?"

1153
01:13:18,477 --> 01:13:22,189
That's right.
Ladies, you gotta fuck your husbands.

1154
01:13:22,898 --> 01:13:23,857
You gotta fuck 'em!

1155
01:13:24,483 --> 01:13:26,443
You have to fuck these motherfuckers.

1156
01:13:28,320 --> 01:13:30,906
You have to do it.
'Cause if you don't fuck him,

1157
01:13:30,989 --> 01:13:33,826
he will build up antibodies to your pussy.

1158
01:13:37,162 --> 01:13:40,624
That's right.
The more you fuck him, the weaker he is.

1159
01:13:40,707 --> 01:13:44,211
But if you don't fuck him,
he will build up his own opinion.

1160
01:13:45,421 --> 01:13:46,630
You don't want that.

1161
01:13:47,381 --> 01:13:50,592
Eyes on the prize.
Eyes on the fucking prize!

1162
01:13:51,176 --> 01:13:52,428
[chuckles]

1163
01:13:52,511 --> 01:13:53,804
Shit, man.

1164
01:13:54,430 --> 01:13:57,516
Here's a thing, too. Here's another
good reason to fuck your husband.

1165
01:13:58,851 --> 01:14:02,563
God forbid
you're ever in a horrible train accident.

1166
01:14:03,564 --> 01:14:04,398
That's right.

1167
01:14:04,481 --> 01:14:08,569
And your whole body is mangled
and ripped up.

1168
01:14:09,445 --> 01:14:11,613
And the only thing left…

1169
01:14:12,698 --> 01:14:13,740
is the pussy.

1170
01:14:16,118 --> 01:14:19,997
And your husband
has to come down to the morgue

1171
01:14:20,080 --> 01:14:22,207
and identify the pussy

1172
01:14:23,917 --> 01:14:26,211
so you could get a proper burial.

1173
01:14:28,088 --> 01:14:30,841
If you haven't been having sex,
that's gonna be hard.

1174
01:14:32,092 --> 01:14:34,845
And he gets down there,
the mortician's like,

1175
01:14:34,928 --> 01:14:36,722
"I'mma pull back this sheet,

1176
01:14:37,681 --> 01:14:40,642
and when I do,
I need you to identify the pussy, okay?"

1177
01:14:41,852 --> 01:14:44,438
And he pulls back the sheet
and your husband's like,

1178
01:14:45,022 --> 01:14:46,273
"I don't know."

1179
01:14:49,651 --> 01:14:51,403
"I-I can't really…"

1180
01:14:52,237 --> 01:14:53,697
"I can't, uh…"

1181
01:14:54,990 --> 01:14:56,283
[chuckles nervously]

1182
01:14:58,494 --> 01:15:00,287
"You sure she was on the train?"

1183
01:15:02,539 --> 01:15:03,373
"Uh…"

1184
01:15:04,791 --> 01:15:06,418
"Uh, can you make it go like this?"

1185
01:15:10,214 --> 01:15:12,049
[pretend-crying] "That's my wife."

1186
01:15:12,132 --> 01:15:13,717
"That's my wife."

1187
01:15:17,221 --> 01:15:18,347
[chuckles]

1188
01:15:19,389 --> 01:15:21,642
Yo, ladies, if you got a good husband,

1189
01:15:21,725 --> 01:15:23,352
got a good man, hold on tight,

1190
01:15:24,102 --> 01:15:27,147
or another woman will take your husband.

1191
01:15:27,940 --> 01:15:28,899
They'll take him.

1192
01:15:29,816 --> 01:15:32,486
There's women in here right now
with stolen husbands.

1193
01:15:34,947 --> 01:15:36,281
You know who you are.

1194
01:15:37,991 --> 01:15:39,618
You're like, "That bitch was slipping."

1195
01:15:42,996 --> 01:15:47,960
That's right, hold tight
or another woman will take your man.

1196
01:15:48,835 --> 01:15:49,795
Fellas,

1197
01:15:50,671 --> 01:15:52,548
you don't got to really worry about that.

1198
01:15:53,590 --> 01:15:55,259
Nobody's taking your wife.

1199
01:15:56,510 --> 01:15:59,221
Oh, don't get me wrong,
they'll fuck your wife.

1200
01:16:01,431 --> 01:16:02,724
Oh, they'll fuck her good.

1201
01:16:03,475 --> 01:16:05,143
They'll fuck her better than you.

1202
01:16:06,270 --> 01:16:07,854
But they're not gonna take her.

1203
01:16:10,107 --> 01:16:11,275
There's no guy going,

1204
01:16:11,358 --> 01:16:14,236
"Yeah, I want her to yell at me
the way she yells at him."

1205
01:16:16,613 --> 01:16:19,408
"I wanna live in a house
with no pictures of my mother."

1206
01:16:22,619 --> 01:16:25,205
Oh, they'll fuck her
and then they'll return her.

1207
01:16:26,123 --> 01:16:27,708
"I believe this is yours."

1208
01:16:30,544 --> 01:16:32,838
"The bitch had me
feeling bad about myself."

1209
01:16:33,714 --> 01:16:34,923
[chuckles]

1210
01:16:35,674 --> 01:16:36,758
Oh, man.

1211
01:16:36,842 --> 01:16:39,344
I fucked up, man. Divorce, man.

1212
01:16:40,304 --> 01:16:42,431
You don't want no parts of this shit, man.

1213
01:16:42,514 --> 01:16:46,393
Hey, it's my fault
'cause I'm a fucking asshole, man, just…

1214
01:16:47,060 --> 01:16:49,896
I wasn't a good husband.
I wasn't a good husband.

1215
01:16:50,480 --> 01:16:51,773
I didn't listen.

1216
01:16:52,566 --> 01:16:53,900
I wasn't kind.

1217
01:16:54,901 --> 01:16:56,486
True, true, you know.

1218
01:16:57,070 --> 01:16:58,697
You know, I had a attitude.

1219
01:16:58,780 --> 01:17:01,575
I thought, "I pay for everything.
I can do what I want."

1220
01:17:01,658 --> 01:17:03,285
That shit don't fucking work.

1221
01:17:04,536 --> 01:17:06,913
You know,
I just thought I was the shit, man.

1222
01:17:06,997 --> 01:17:09,249
Uh, I didn't play the tambourine.

1223
01:17:11,460 --> 01:17:14,713
You got to play the tambourine.
Everybody got to play the tambourine.

1224
01:17:14,796 --> 01:17:15,964
I cheated.

1225
01:17:19,092 --> 01:17:22,346
Yeah, I'm serious. I'm not-- I'm not--
I'm not bragging. I cheated.

1226
01:17:22,429 --> 01:17:23,930
I was on the road and…

1227
01:17:24,640 --> 01:17:26,725
I end up sleeping
with three different women.

1228
01:17:26,808 --> 01:17:28,310
It's like fucked up.

1229
01:17:28,393 --> 01:17:30,187
You know what's fucked up?
Here's the thing.

1230
01:17:30,270 --> 01:17:33,690
When guys cheat,
it's like, we want something new.

1231
01:17:34,441 --> 01:17:36,151
We want something new, right?

1232
01:17:36,234 --> 01:17:38,111
But then you know what happens?

1233
01:17:38,195 --> 01:17:39,780
Your woman finds out,

1234
01:17:40,572 --> 01:17:41,948
and now, she's new.

1235
01:17:42,949 --> 01:17:44,868
She's never the same again.

1236
01:17:45,369 --> 01:17:47,746
So now you got new, but you got a bad new.

1237
01:17:49,039 --> 01:17:51,917
You know, you got bad fucking new, man.

1238
01:17:52,000 --> 01:17:53,502
Every woman here right now is like,

1239
01:17:53,585 --> 01:17:56,129
"Fuck you, Chris. What the fuck, man?
I thought…"

1240
01:17:56,213 --> 01:17:58,882
"You, I thought you was all right. You?"

1241
01:18:00,467 --> 01:18:02,552
"Come on, Chris,
what the fuck is wrong with you?"

1242
01:18:02,636 --> 01:18:04,554
"What the fuck is wrong with men?"

1243
01:18:05,222 --> 01:18:07,474
I know a bunch of women
are thinking that right now.

1244
01:18:07,557 --> 01:18:09,476
Every woman in here is like,
"Fuck you, Chris."

1245
01:18:10,102 --> 01:18:14,064
And every guy in here right now is going,

1246
01:18:14,147 --> 01:18:15,023
"Three?"

1247
01:18:18,026 --> 01:18:19,903
"That's it? Just three?"

1248
01:18:20,987 --> 01:18:22,280
"Goddamn, man."

1249
01:18:22,364 --> 01:18:24,783
"I work at UPS.
I got more hoes than that."

1250
01:18:28,245 --> 01:18:29,329
"Three?"

1251
01:18:29,413 --> 01:18:31,289
"You must've really loved your wife."

1252
01:18:32,040 --> 01:18:33,500
"You a romantic."

1253
01:18:34,751 --> 01:18:36,044
[chuckling]

1254
01:18:39,131 --> 01:18:41,466
Yo, man, it's fucked, man.

1255
01:18:41,550 --> 01:18:44,136
I remember, right,
when my divorce was final,

1256
01:18:44,761 --> 01:18:46,888
I was at a party,

1257
01:18:47,597 --> 01:18:48,932
and I saw Rihanna.

1258
01:18:49,641 --> 01:18:51,893
I was like,
"Okay. Let's start this again."

1259
01:18:57,566 --> 01:18:59,484
So, I'm at this party. I see Rihanna.

1260
01:18:59,568 --> 01:19:01,570
I was like,
"Okay. Let me say, 'What's up?'"

1261
01:19:07,409 --> 01:19:09,745
And I'm like,
I said, "How you doing, Rihanna?"

1262
01:19:11,496 --> 01:19:13,457
You ever forget how old you are?

1263
01:19:15,876 --> 01:19:19,755
Rihanna looked at me
like I was one of her aunts. Like…

1264
01:19:21,465 --> 01:19:26,720
She didn't even register me
as a dick-carrying member of society.

1265
01:19:28,180 --> 01:19:31,391
Like, I would've had a easier time
fucking Aretha Franklin.

1266
01:19:33,435 --> 01:19:34,478
[chuckles]

1267
01:19:35,228 --> 01:19:37,439
And I mean that respectfully, okay?

1268
01:19:38,356 --> 01:19:39,608
[laughs]

1269
01:19:40,275 --> 01:19:41,902
She was asking me about other dudes.

1270
01:19:41,985 --> 01:19:44,529
"Have you seen Ray J?"
I'm like, "Fuck Ray J."

1271
01:19:45,906 --> 01:19:47,032
"I hate that nigga."

1272
01:19:50,827 --> 01:19:54,915
Yo, you don't want to get divorced, man.
This shit is no joke, man.

1273
01:19:54,998 --> 01:19:57,876
I had to go through
a custody fight for my kids,

1274
01:19:57,959 --> 01:20:00,086
just to see my kids, man.

1275
01:20:00,170 --> 01:20:01,838
That shit's fucked up, man.

1276
01:20:01,922 --> 01:20:08,261
First of all, you don't
wanna be a man in family court,

1277
01:20:09,763 --> 01:20:12,349
and you don't wanna be
a Black man in any court.

1278
01:20:13,475 --> 01:20:17,229
Yeah. Even the Black judge
comes to work with his lawyer,

1279
01:20:20,357 --> 01:20:22,609
and he keeps his robe on all day.

1280
01:20:23,610 --> 01:20:25,445
Writes "judge" on the back,

1281
01:20:26,780 --> 01:20:29,574
just in case somebody thinks
it's a nigga with a cape.

1282
01:20:33,203 --> 01:20:34,704
"Is that a nigga with a cape?"

1283
01:20:35,914 --> 01:20:37,249
"Nope, just the judge."

1284
01:20:38,583 --> 01:20:42,128
Yo, man, I was in court.
That shit was scary, man.

1285
01:20:42,212 --> 01:20:46,508
Like, to not know if you're gonna be able
to fucking see your kids. You know?

1286
01:20:46,591 --> 01:20:50,428
And when I got divorced,
I wanted it to be smooth.

1287
01:20:50,512 --> 01:20:54,140
So, I bought a house
around the corner, okay?

1288
01:20:54,224 --> 01:20:58,186
Like, fucking quarter of a mile,
like, right around the fucking corner.

1289
01:20:58,270 --> 01:21:02,691
Damn near the same house, okay?
But… wasn't enough, man.

1290
01:21:02,774 --> 01:21:04,693
I went in there, that judge was like,

1291
01:21:04,776 --> 01:21:06,736
"Uh, Mr. Rock,

1292
01:21:07,571 --> 01:21:11,074
I need to see pictures

1293
01:21:11,908 --> 01:21:14,411
of the beds in the bedroom

1294
01:21:14,494 --> 01:21:17,122
to make sure
the children have a place to sleep."

1295
01:21:17,205 --> 01:21:20,709
I was like, "What?
You think I got a manger, what?"

1296
01:21:23,003 --> 01:21:26,047
"Like, I got a million-dollar house
with no beds?"

1297
01:21:27,632 --> 01:21:30,343
Okay. Show them the picture, right?

1298
01:21:30,427 --> 01:21:33,513
But that wasn't enough.
Then the judge was like, "Mr. Rock,

1299
01:21:34,097 --> 01:21:38,101
I need to see pictures of the refrigerator

1300
01:21:38,184 --> 01:21:40,353
and the food inside

1301
01:21:40,437 --> 01:21:43,440
to make sure the children
have enough to eat."

1302
01:21:43,523 --> 01:21:44,357
I'm like…

1303
01:21:46,276 --> 01:21:48,111
"What have you heard about me?"

1304
01:21:52,490 --> 01:21:54,951
"I'm Chris Rock, not Chris Brown."

1305
01:22:00,916 --> 01:22:02,125
[chuckles]

1306
01:22:02,208 --> 01:22:03,543
Yo, man.

1307
01:22:04,127 --> 01:22:07,005
Yo, fellas,
I hope none of you get divorced.

1308
01:22:07,088 --> 01:22:08,632
I'm telling you right now,

1309
01:22:08,715 --> 01:22:11,384
if you ever
do anything good for your kids,

1310
01:22:11,468 --> 01:22:13,136
take a picture of that shit.

1311
01:22:13,720 --> 01:22:17,182
If you hug 'em, take a picture.
If you feed 'em, take a picture.

1312
01:22:17,265 --> 01:22:20,644
'Cause you never know
when you might need receipts of love.

1313
01:22:21,770 --> 01:22:23,521
Winter is coming.

1314
01:22:26,024 --> 01:22:28,318
Whoo! But it worked out. I got my kids.

1315
01:22:28,401 --> 01:22:31,237
I got my kids, okay.
I see my kids all the time.

1316
01:22:31,321 --> 01:22:34,199
I got my custody.
Shit worked out, okay?

1317
01:22:34,282 --> 01:22:39,162
But that shit was like humiliating, man.
Trying to prove your parenthood, man.

1318
01:22:39,746 --> 01:22:43,500
So I know I said you're not supposed
to compete in a relationship,

1319
01:22:44,084 --> 01:22:46,878
but after you go through that shit,

1320
01:22:47,671 --> 01:22:49,965
you're like, "Am I gonna lose my kids?"

1321
01:22:50,048 --> 01:22:53,468
I was like, "Yo, I'm going hard
every time I have my kids."

1322
01:22:54,094 --> 01:22:56,388
I always went hard,
but I'm going extra hard.

1323
01:22:56,471 --> 01:22:58,640
"I don't know what you're doing
at your mother's house,

1324
01:22:58,723 --> 01:23:00,225
but we're gonna top that shit…

1325
01:23:01,726 --> 01:23:03,895
every motherfucking time, okay?"

1326
01:23:03,979 --> 01:23:06,106
Sometimes I bring guest stars.

1327
01:23:08,149 --> 01:23:11,111
I make sure
they go back to her with a story like,

1328
01:23:11,194 --> 01:23:14,072
"Mama, Mama,
Drake helped me with my homework."

1329
01:23:17,117 --> 01:23:18,159
[chuckles]

1330
01:23:18,785 --> 01:23:21,705
"Lady Gaga made me
a grilled cheese sandwich."

1331
01:23:24,749 --> 01:23:26,292
You all think I'm bullshitting.

1332
01:23:27,335 --> 01:23:29,671
Then check my Instagram, all right?

1333
01:23:31,339 --> 01:23:32,841
And the crazy thing is…

1334
01:23:33,967 --> 01:23:36,720
So after you
get through the custody thing,

1335
01:23:36,803 --> 01:23:40,181
then you got to divide the money,
that's fucking scary shit, man.

1336
01:23:40,265 --> 01:23:43,184
And whoever… Whoever…

1337
01:23:44,185 --> 01:23:47,188
makes the most money has to pay
the legal fees for the other person,

1338
01:23:47,272 --> 01:23:50,650
so I had to pay
for a lawyer to divorce me.

1339
01:23:52,694 --> 01:23:55,113
That's like hiring a hitman to kill you.

1340
01:23:56,364 --> 01:23:58,283
It's like, "Okay. Here's a picture of me."

1341
01:24:00,994 --> 01:24:05,874
"I'mma be at Burger King at 10:38, okay?"

1342
01:24:05,957 --> 01:24:08,752
"Shoot me in the head and give me a call."

1343
01:24:10,545 --> 01:24:11,379
So…

1344
01:24:13,089 --> 01:24:13,923
I'm in court…

1345
01:24:14,007 --> 01:24:16,676
Yo, one day I'm in court,
and I'm just looking around,

1346
01:24:17,177 --> 01:24:21,347
and she got three lawyers,
I got three lawyers.

1347
01:24:21,431 --> 01:24:23,725
Shit's expensive as fuck.

1348
01:24:24,601 --> 01:24:26,394
She got three lawyers,
I got three lawyers.

1349
01:24:26,478 --> 01:24:29,481
The judge, the bailiff, the stenographer.

1350
01:24:29,564 --> 01:24:32,275
I'm looking
at all these motherfuckers, man.

1351
01:24:32,358 --> 01:24:37,280
It's like, "Wow,
look at this whole… town, just here."

1352
01:24:38,114 --> 01:24:40,200
I'm looking at all these people
and realize,

1353
01:24:40,283 --> 01:24:45,330
everybody in this room
is far more educated than me, everybody.

1354
01:24:45,413 --> 01:24:47,582
I dropped out of Boys High, okay?

1355
01:24:47,665 --> 01:24:50,251
I got college motherfuckers
coming at me, right?

1356
01:24:50,335 --> 01:24:52,545
And I realized everybody in the room

1357
01:24:52,629 --> 01:24:55,006
was born
to much better circumstances than me.

1358
01:24:55,090 --> 01:24:57,634
I'm from Bed-motherfucking-Stuy, baby.

1359
01:24:57,717 --> 01:25:01,137
And everybody in there
is there to take my money.

1360
01:25:03,556 --> 01:25:07,644
It's like, everybody in here
is gonna leave with more money except me.

1361
01:25:08,645 --> 01:25:11,689
And they got up that morning,
they brushed their teeth,

1362
01:25:11,773 --> 01:25:14,651
they put on suits, they fixed their hair

1363
01:25:14,734 --> 01:25:18,279
with the sole purpose of taking my shit.

1364
01:25:18,905 --> 01:25:22,784
And at that moment, I realized something.

1365
01:25:23,993 --> 01:25:24,994
I made it.

1366
01:25:33,128 --> 01:25:34,379
I made it.

1367
01:25:34,462 --> 01:25:36,756
Started from the bottom, now I'm here.

1368
01:25:37,966 --> 01:25:39,592
I made it, man.

1369
01:25:39,676 --> 01:25:43,179
After that, I was like, "Fuck it.
Take it. Whatever you need, take it."

1370
01:25:43,263 --> 01:25:45,932
"I'll be all right.
I'mma work. It's gonna be good."

1371
01:25:46,015 --> 01:25:47,767
'Cause here's the crazy thing, man.

1372
01:25:47,851 --> 01:25:50,228
Some of these lessons,
you just gotta learn.

1373
01:25:50,311 --> 01:25:53,231
Like, I bought
this shit on myself, you know.

1374
01:25:53,314 --> 01:25:56,693
Nobody told me to go hoe up, you know.

1375
01:25:57,861 --> 01:25:58,862
[chuckles]

1376
01:26:00,071 --> 01:26:01,447
I brought this shit on myself.

1377
01:26:01,531 --> 01:26:05,201
And you got to learn some lessons,
some man lessons, okay?

1378
01:26:05,285 --> 01:26:06,661
I know it's hard being a woman,

1379
01:26:06,744 --> 01:26:08,955
but there's a coldness

1380
01:26:09,038 --> 01:26:13,251
that you have to accept when you're a man,
especially a Black man.

1381
01:26:13,334 --> 01:26:17,005
It's like, the world
is cold as a motherfucker, okay?

1382
01:26:17,088 --> 01:26:19,132
You get older, the one thing I learned…

1383
01:26:20,049 --> 01:26:25,013
Only women, children and dogs…

1384
01:26:25,722 --> 01:26:27,932
are loved unconditionally.

1385
01:26:30,226 --> 01:26:34,606
Women, children and dogs
are loved unconditionally.

1386
01:26:34,689 --> 01:26:37,984
A man is only loved

1387
01:26:38,067 --> 01:26:43,364
under the condition
that he provides something, okay?

1388
01:26:43,448 --> 01:26:45,867
I've never heard a woman in my life say,

1389
01:26:45,950 --> 01:26:48,786
"You know, after he got laid off,
we got so much closer."

1390
01:26:51,748 --> 01:26:53,458
[chuckles]

1391
01:26:53,541 --> 01:26:55,210
[laughs sarcastically]

1392
01:26:56,544 --> 01:26:58,755
You ain't never heard that shit.

1393
01:26:59,297 --> 01:27:00,256
No, no, no.

1394
01:27:00,340 --> 01:27:02,550
I once heard my grandmother say,

1395
01:27:02,634 --> 01:27:05,929
"A broke man is like a broke hand.

1396
01:27:06,804 --> 01:27:08,723
Can't do nothing with it."

1397
01:27:10,516 --> 01:27:13,394
What kind of gangster shit is that?

1398
01:27:16,814 --> 01:27:22,946
That's right. Women, children
and dogs are loved unconditionally.

1399
01:27:23,029 --> 01:27:27,367
A man is only loved under the condition
that he provides something.

1400
01:27:27,450 --> 01:27:30,828
That's right. Fellas,
when you meet a new girl,

1401
01:27:30,912 --> 01:27:32,705
what do your friends ask you?

1402
01:27:33,289 --> 01:27:34,457
"What she look like?"

1403
01:27:35,124 --> 01:27:41,214
Ladies, when you meet a new guy,
what do your friends ask you?

1404
01:27:41,297 --> 01:27:42,966
"What does he do?"

1405
01:27:43,675 --> 01:27:50,139
"What the fuck does that nigga do
that can help you out?"

1406
01:27:51,975 --> 01:27:55,812
"Can this motherfucker
facilitate a dream or not?"

1407
01:27:58,690 --> 01:27:59,983
[chuckles]

1408
01:28:01,776 --> 01:28:02,986
That's right.

1409
01:28:03,069 --> 01:28:05,196
Every man in this room

1410
01:28:05,280 --> 01:28:08,324
is a job loss away
from losing their woman.

1411
01:28:09,158 --> 01:28:09,993
[chuckles]

1412
01:28:10,076 --> 01:28:13,121
You think you know her right now,
you don't know shit.

1413
01:28:13,204 --> 01:28:17,458
Lose your job for three weeks,
motherfucker, and you will meet her.

1414
01:28:19,502 --> 01:28:24,716
Every man in this room
is a job loss away. Okay?

1415
01:28:24,799 --> 01:28:29,178
Even right now, Michelle Obama
is looking at Barack going,

1416
01:28:29,262 --> 01:28:30,972
"What's your plans, nigga?"

1417
01:28:37,103 --> 01:28:38,730
"How's that book turning out?"

1418
01:28:40,023 --> 01:28:41,399
"I need to see some pages."

1419
01:28:48,156 --> 01:28:49,407
Yo, man.

1420
01:28:51,200 --> 01:28:52,785
It's a harsh, cold world, man.

1421
01:28:52,869 --> 01:28:54,662
But I brought this on myself, man.

1422
01:28:54,746 --> 01:28:56,956
When you get older, you learn shit, man.

1423
01:28:57,040 --> 01:28:59,876
But, you know, women cheat, too.

1424
01:29:00,918 --> 01:29:03,338
Women cheat.
We don't do this shit by ourselves.

1425
01:29:04,005 --> 01:29:07,508
Women cheat, too.
They're just better at it than guys.

1426
01:29:07,592 --> 01:29:09,594
Guys, we're horrible cheats.

1427
01:29:10,178 --> 01:29:12,013
We always get caught late night,

1428
01:29:13,973 --> 01:29:16,392
come home smelling like hotel soap.

1429
01:29:19,854 --> 01:29:22,774
Your woman's like, "What's that smell?"
"I don't know."

1430
01:29:24,942 --> 01:29:26,444
Then you take off your clothes

1431
01:29:26,527 --> 01:29:29,072
and a little bar of soap
falls out your ass.

1432
01:29:30,948 --> 01:29:31,991
"I knew it!"

1433
01:29:34,035 --> 01:29:37,955
It's crazy that guys, we get caught
so easy. We get caught so easy.

1434
01:29:38,956 --> 01:29:41,501
It's so easy to catch us
'cause it's always the new chick.

1435
01:29:42,126 --> 01:29:44,504
It's the new chick at work,
new chick at school.

1436
01:29:44,587 --> 01:29:45,630
"Ah, that bitch."

1437
01:29:47,548 --> 01:29:50,176
Women, when you catch a woman,

1438
01:29:51,260 --> 01:29:54,263
it's always some motherfucker
you done met ten times.

1439
01:29:55,264 --> 01:29:56,224
[chuckles]

1440
01:29:57,016 --> 01:29:58,976
He been all up in your house,

1441
01:29:59,060 --> 01:30:01,312
he drank your Pellegrino.

1442
01:30:02,605 --> 01:30:05,983
Then one day you give him a good look,
you're like, "Wait a minute."

1443
01:30:07,568 --> 01:30:09,362
"Craig ain't in the book club."

1444
01:30:10,655 --> 01:30:11,489
[chuckles]

1445
01:30:11,572 --> 01:30:13,324
"This nigga can't read."

1446
01:30:18,830 --> 01:30:20,832
Oh, man. I'm retired, I'm…

1447
01:30:20,915 --> 01:30:22,458
This cheat shit, I'm done.

1448
01:30:23,167 --> 01:30:26,796
I'm done. You get a certain age,
you got in a lot of shit,

1449
01:30:26,879 --> 01:30:32,009
lose enough shit, it's like,
"Fuck this, I'm done cheating."

1450
01:30:32,093 --> 01:30:35,471
I… Hey, I love pussy,
but I like peace more.

1451
01:30:36,931 --> 01:30:39,892
Peace is better than pussy.

1452
01:30:40,601 --> 01:30:42,186
Peace makes my dick hard.

1453
01:30:45,231 --> 01:30:47,942
I need motherfucking peace, motherfucker.

1454
01:30:48,025 --> 01:30:49,777
You wanna be my girl, be peaceful.

1455
01:30:50,445 --> 01:30:52,447
Just some peace, motherfucker.

1456
01:30:53,030 --> 01:30:55,241
That's right. I ain't cheating at all.

1457
01:30:55,324 --> 01:30:57,285
I mean, unless Rihanna, you know.

1458
01:30:59,078 --> 01:31:01,372
Like I keep half a Viagra in my wallet,

1459
01:31:02,707 --> 01:31:06,627
just in case she ever
goes through an "old comedians" phase.

1460
01:31:09,714 --> 01:31:12,717
"Rihanna fucked Eddie Griffin.
Shit, I gotta get over there."

1461
01:31:16,762 --> 01:31:19,223
"Fucking Eddie Griffin. Goddamn!"

1462
01:31:21,684 --> 01:31:22,935
It's all good, man.

1463
01:31:23,019 --> 01:31:25,521
Now I'm dating. I'm actually dating.

1464
01:31:25,605 --> 01:31:27,565
It's just weird, man. It's weird.

1465
01:31:27,648 --> 01:31:29,442
I was married for a long time.

1466
01:31:29,525 --> 01:31:33,112
You know, I date some girls my age
and some little younger.

1467
01:31:33,196 --> 01:31:34,947
That shit is crazy, man.

1468
01:31:35,490 --> 01:31:37,492
Yo, shit has changed.

1469
01:31:37,575 --> 01:31:40,036
These girls fuck fast now.

1470
01:31:40,995 --> 01:31:44,248
They fuck fast and they leave.

1471
01:31:45,583 --> 01:31:48,628
They just get the fuck out your house.

1472
01:31:48,711 --> 01:31:51,756
They just fuck and leave.
I'm like, "Where are you going?"

1473
01:31:55,092 --> 01:31:56,469
"It's your place."

1474
01:32:01,682 --> 01:32:03,226
[chuckles]

1475
01:32:03,309 --> 01:32:06,521
They used to wanna cuddle or something.
Them motherfuckers be gone.

1476
01:32:07,021 --> 01:32:09,106
And they fuck immediately.

1477
01:32:09,190 --> 01:32:13,611
I'm a grown man and I'm like,
"This is inappropriate."

1478
01:32:18,491 --> 01:32:19,408
[chuckles]

1479
01:32:21,077 --> 01:32:25,998
My God, young girls like to get on top.
Always wanna get on top.

1480
01:32:26,082 --> 01:32:28,167
"Let me ride it, Daddy.
Let me get on top."

1481
01:32:28,251 --> 01:32:30,044
"Let me ride. Let me get on top."

1482
01:32:30,127 --> 01:32:32,505
"Let me ride it,
let me ride it, let me ride."

1483
01:32:32,588 --> 01:32:35,800
You can't get no
45-year-old woman to get on top.

1484
01:32:35,883 --> 01:32:38,469
She's like,
"Nigga, you lucky I'm laying like this."

1485
01:32:43,057 --> 01:32:46,143
"I'll turn over to help you finish,
but that's about it."

1486
01:32:47,353 --> 01:32:49,105
"These knees are delicate."

1487
01:32:54,151 --> 01:32:56,445
But them young girls like,
"Let me get on top."

1488
01:32:56,529 --> 01:32:59,699
"Let me get on top.
Let me ride it. Let me get on top."

1489
01:32:59,782 --> 01:33:03,411
I'm laying back,
this girl's bouncing on my dick,

1490
01:33:04,161 --> 01:33:06,664
I can't tell if I'm fucking

1491
01:33:07,582 --> 01:33:09,041
or changing oil.

1492
01:33:13,921 --> 01:33:17,049
"Let me get on top.
Let me get on top. Let me ride it."

1493
01:33:17,133 --> 01:33:18,718
"Let me ride it."

1494
01:33:19,802 --> 01:33:23,764
Shit, I'm on Tinder right now
under my own name.

1495
01:33:27,685 --> 01:33:30,396
My friends are like,
"You can't be under your own name."

1496
01:33:30,479 --> 01:33:33,649
"What if you find a woman that just
wants you because you're Chris Rock?"

1497
01:33:33,733 --> 01:33:35,526
I'm like, "But I am Chris Rock."

1498
01:33:37,737 --> 01:33:39,947
"What should I put,
Cedric the Entertainer?"

1499
01:33:44,493 --> 01:33:48,164
Shit, my profile picture
on Tinder right now

1500
01:33:48,247 --> 01:33:51,000
is me, butt naked,

1501
01:33:51,751 --> 01:33:53,502
holding a microphone…

1502
01:33:54,795 --> 01:33:56,005
and a tambourine.

1503
01:33:57,214 --> 01:34:00,092
I'm out of here. Y'all take care.
Thank you.

1504
01:34:00,718 --> 01:34:01,552
[mic thuds]

1505
01:34:01,636 --> 01:34:03,095
["Can I Live II" by JAY-Z playing]

1506
01:34:03,179 --> 01:34:05,681
♪ Yeah, is y'all niggas finished, yo? ♪

1507
01:34:06,474 --> 01:34:07,725
♪ Is y'all niggas finished? ♪

1508
01:34:08,726 --> 01:34:11,479
♪ Got your little radio play
Your little BDS, huh ♪

1509
01:34:11,937 --> 01:34:13,272
♪ You finished, nigga? ♪

1510
01:34:13,356 --> 01:34:15,524
♪ Huh, huh, y'all finished? ♪

1511
01:34:15,608 --> 01:34:18,277
♪ Can I live, huh? ♪

1512
01:34:18,361 --> 01:34:22,531
♪ Can I live, yo, you're being stingy
With the fucking music again, yo ♪

1513
01:34:23,491 --> 01:34:27,244
♪ Yo, yo… Yo I blacks out
I pulls the MAC out ♪

1514
01:34:27,328 --> 01:34:29,914
♪ Scream "What's that about?"
Then I clap out ♪

1515
01:34:29,997 --> 01:34:33,250
♪ I get my plot on and my drop on
Through the rotten ♪

1516
01:34:33,334 --> 01:34:35,961
♪ Don't even hate on those who hate me
I got Pac on ♪

1517
01:34:36,045 --> 01:34:39,298
♪ Feeling it
Chickens are ice grilling it ♪

1518
01:34:39,382 --> 01:34:42,093
♪ Cops pulling it over
Jigga react militant ♪

1519
01:34:42,176 --> 01:34:44,887
♪ Speed off
Officer told me turn the beat off ♪

1520
01:34:44,970 --> 01:34:47,890
♪ I turned it a level higher
Then return the devil's fire ♪

1521
01:34:47,973 --> 01:34:51,686
♪ I'm raised different
React in situations niggas lay stiff in ♪

1522
01:34:51,769 --> 01:34:53,979
♪ Rookies blame it on the age difference ♪

1523
01:34:54,063 --> 01:34:56,565
♪ My subliminal flows
Create criminal odes ♪

1524
01:34:56,649 --> 01:34:59,360
♪ Sing along if y'all with me
Till the end of the road ♪

1525
01:34:59,443 --> 01:35:01,862
♪ I'm cynical
When in the view of the public ♪

1526
01:35:01,946 --> 01:35:05,157
♪ And this is because
I'm defensive when I'm in interviews ♪

1527
01:35:05,241 --> 01:35:08,577
♪ The percentage who don't understand
Is higher than the percentage who do ♪

1528
01:35:08,661 --> 01:35:10,913
♪ Check yourself
What percentage is you? ♪

1529
01:35:10,996 --> 01:35:14,458
♪ Can I live, for all my niggas
With all white Air Force Ones ♪

1530
01:35:14,542 --> 01:35:16,836
♪ And black guns, stack ones, yo ♪

1531
01:35:16,919 --> 01:35:18,546
♪ Can I live, for all my chicks… ♪

1532
01:35:18,629 --> 01:35:20,965
-You're the best.
-[Chris] You're the best.

1533
01:35:21,048 --> 01:35:23,050
-[Dave] Whatever it is…
-[man 1] We're all the best.

1534
01:35:23,134 --> 01:35:26,762
Whatever you do, your shit moves me.

1535
01:35:26,846 --> 01:35:28,806
Like, I seek it out…

1536
01:35:28,889 --> 01:35:32,768
I would rather see this than the old days,
when Michael and Prince were fighting,

1537
01:35:32,852 --> 01:35:35,396
and one motherfucker
end up falling off a light pole.

1538
01:35:35,479 --> 01:35:37,398
[man 1] Yeah. Oh, fuck, yeah.

1539
01:35:37,481 --> 01:35:38,941
I saw that.

1540
01:35:39,024 --> 01:35:41,527
Fuck them, you know?

1541
01:35:41,610 --> 01:35:42,486
You know that story?

1542
01:35:42,570 --> 01:35:43,904
-[man 1] I remember.
-Oh, my God.

1543
01:35:43,988 --> 01:35:45,948
Eddie and Richard
only got together for the movie.

1544
01:35:46,031 --> 01:35:48,117
They were not cool.

1545
01:35:48,200 --> 01:35:50,286
Richard and Cosby weren't cool.

1546
01:35:50,369 --> 01:35:53,622
The first time I saw
Eddie and Richard together,

1547
01:35:53,706 --> 01:35:56,000
Richard's on stage in The Original Room.

1548
01:35:56,083 --> 01:35:59,336
And he's performing.
And Rashon brings him a note.

1549
01:35:59,837 --> 01:36:01,422
And Richard looks at the note,

1550
01:36:01,505 --> 01:36:04,008
and he puts it away
and he keeps working a little bit.

1551
01:36:04,091 --> 01:36:05,760
The note says, "Eddie Murphy is here."

1552
01:36:06,510 --> 01:36:07,803
So, Richard's working.

1553
01:36:07,887 --> 01:36:09,263
Richard finally says,

1554
01:36:09,346 --> 01:36:13,142
"There's a young man here.
A lot of people say that he's the new me,

1555
01:36:13,225 --> 01:36:15,352
but I'm not finished being me yet,

1556
01:36:15,436 --> 01:36:18,397
so that shit is… That fucks with me…"

1557
01:36:18,481 --> 01:36:20,483
"His name is Eddie Murphy."

1558
01:36:20,566 --> 01:36:22,318
And everybody goes crazy. He says,

1559
01:36:22,401 --> 01:36:24,612
"You wanna come up,
so I can get to know you?"

1560
01:36:24,695 --> 01:36:27,114
-[Chris chuckling] Oh, my gosh.
-Oh, wow!

1561
01:36:27,198 --> 01:36:28,324
Oh, wow!

1562
01:36:28,407 --> 01:36:30,868
"How about put your hands together
for Eddie Murphy."

1563
01:36:30,951 --> 01:36:33,954
Eddie walks in the main room,

1564
01:36:34,038 --> 01:36:36,832
comes up to that one step on, right.

1565
01:36:36,916 --> 01:36:40,377
He steps up on the stage,
they shake and meet for the first time,

1566
01:36:40,461 --> 01:36:43,088
and Richard walks away, but doesn't leave.

1567
01:36:43,172 --> 01:36:45,174
He sits on that step,

1568
01:36:45,257 --> 01:36:48,052
that one step down in The Original Room,
he sits,

1569
01:36:48,135 --> 01:36:50,262
and sits and watches Eddie work.

1570
01:36:50,346 --> 01:36:53,474
So, for Eddie, it's like,
Richard's sitting here…

1571
01:36:53,557 --> 01:36:55,017
-Oh, man.
-[Chris chuckles]

1572
01:36:55,100 --> 01:36:57,895
…and Eddie turns the motherfucker out.

1573
01:36:58,562 --> 01:37:00,815
And Richard stands at the end,

1574
01:37:01,482 --> 01:37:03,692
and Eddie comes to the step,

1575
01:37:03,776 --> 01:37:05,236
they walk away together.

1576
01:37:05,319 --> 01:37:07,947
It was the greatest fucking moment.

1577
01:37:08,030 --> 01:37:10,324
Yeah, I'll say it…

1578
01:37:10,908 --> 01:37:13,160
♪ Two kids, one job, and no man ♪

1579
01:37:14,745 --> 01:37:17,957
♪ All my chicks getting that washing set
With their welfare check ♪

1580
01:37:18,040 --> 01:37:21,794
♪ Haha, all the mamis dame un beso
All right ♪

1581
01:37:22,795 --> 01:37:25,214
♪ Yeah
All my niggas rocking them fitted caps ♪

1582
01:37:25,297 --> 01:37:28,300
♪ Trying to get at this rap
Know what I mean? ♪

1583
01:37:28,384 --> 01:37:32,221
♪ All my cats with open cases
Big cars, and no license ♪

1584
01:37:32,304 --> 01:37:34,181
♪ I like that shit, I see y'all ♪

1585
01:37:35,808 --> 01:37:38,727
♪ All my niggas that say pause
After they say some fucked up shit ♪

1586
01:37:38,811 --> 01:37:41,647
♪ Haha, rock on and, uh… ♪

1587
01:37:41,730 --> 01:37:45,484
♪ Jigga shit
Roc-A-Fella forever, yo ♪

1588
01:37:46,151 --> 01:37:49,738
♪ Uh, Major Coins… ♪