INGRID'S ROOM - ALWAYS TIDY
TOILET (ALWAYS BACKED UP)
RAKEL'S TRASH-O-RAMA 1000 HOPELESS PROJECTS
Hi, Rakel.
What's up?
What are you thinking about?
Sperm.
That shit sucks.
Are you coming?
Yeah.
Rakel!
I'm coming. I need some clothes.
Can't do it nude.
I'll be quicker than lightning.
Just need this last...
No.
No, it's not like that.
It's more like yoga.
Rakel, don't!
What happened to your tits?
They're a lot bigger.
- They're not. - They are.
Yum!
Well, I don't know. I've just put on some weight.
Okay, come on.
Hey, wait. Ingrid. Dammit, wait!
Stay centered.
Onegaishimasu.
What's this?
This isn't yoga. It's wrestling.
No, it's self-defence.
That's right, self-defence. "Wrestling" gives people the wrong idea.
Just, it's all arms and legs here.
When are we gonna fight with staffs?
Well, we don't call it "fighting", but we'll get to the staffs later.
Right.
Good work, everyone.
I see progress.
In all of you.
We're going to look at ukemi.
The art of falling.
There's something beautiful
about turning a situation where you're about to fall down
to gracefully getting back on your feet,
gaining the upper hand.
Both in life and on the mat.
Oh, shit.
What's wrong?
I think I've had sex with him.
Remember that guy I fucked because he smelled nice?
The guy who smelled like butter?
No!
Then there's the tenkan that goes around back here...
- Yes? - Like...
Donatello in Turtles, you know, he fights with a staff and so on.
Technically, Donatello doesn't do aikido.
He uses a bo staff, we use a jo staff.
So that's the difference between aikido and Donatello.
Okay, find a partner.
One step closer.
Put your arm under here, and...
Great!
Very nice. Very nice.
Come on.
There. Oops!
Right now you're going downward. Visualise going forward.
Use the momentum in the fall to move forward and up.
Look, if you... Do it one more time.
When Ingrid comes around there. Here.
You need to put the back foot ahead of the other one.
So that you move forward.
- Okay? - Yeah.
As soon as you go forward, get back up.
Ready, get set, go.
Yeah, perfect. We're there.
- Right. - Hallelujah!
Great.
- One more time. - My turn.
Ready?
Good. Down.
- There we are. - That's it!
- Jeez, are you okay? - I'm fine. It's okay.
I just have to...
He didn't do it on purpose.
Nah.
No, he didn't.
Bye!
Okay, let's go.
You go ahead.
I have to take a dump. You're stressing me out.
My asshole gets tight like...
- See you at home. - Yeah.
Hello!
Anyone here? Everything alright?
Yes, I'm fine.
Sorry to interrupt, but I have to lock up.
Right.
I'll hurry up.
Good.
Hi.
What is it?
What are you looking at?
Nothing.
There's nothing...
Just, if someone does drugs in there, I have to report it.
It's okay. Relax. I haven't...
- I haven't done any drugs. - No, of course not.
Good. I mean...
I haven't even taken a poo.
I thought I had to poo because my stomach was all weird, but nothing happened.
Shit, I just said "poo" twice.
Thanks a lot.
That's okay.
Yes! Yes!
- I have to lock up. - Right. I just have to...
Yes! Yes! Right there!
I just have to get my phone!
There!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
I can drive you home if you like.
It's okay.
It's not a problem.
It's okay. I'll...
Just walk.
- Where did you go? - I told you, I had to poo.
You spend a lot of time on the can.
Yeah, but nothing happens.
Constipation. Eat prunes.
I poo every morning. But then...
I just feel bloated all day.
Jeez. I'm chucking this out.
No! No, why?
Like, it smells awful.
No. I made it yesterday.
It's hummus. It stays good for days.
Smell it.
- Well? - You pregnant or something?
No.
Crazy sense of smell.
Bigger tits. Bellyache. Drinking three litres of tropical nectar a day.
You didn't use to like it.
Sure I did.
Do you have to drink from the box?
I'm not sick.
- Did you really sleep with Aikido-Mos? - It was so awkward.
He had to throw me out of the gym. I spent ages in the loo.
- Did he come inside you? - Come on!
I'm not pregnant.
Ingrid, he used a condom and I'm on the pill.
I've just put on some weight, and I have a good sense of smell.
Loads of sugar in tropical nectar.
Sticks to your hips.
Worth it.
You should get off the pill.
Fucks up the hormone balance.
You don't have that much sex.
I don't take it for sex.
It's so I can skip my period.
You don't know if you've had your period?
I haven't had my period since Liseberg.
That's six months ago.
Yes.
But you buy pads.
Sure, there's a bit.
Some brown drops.
But rarely.
You got preggo tests in your room?
How come?
Pee on the goddamn stick.
5 THINGS RAKEL WANTS TO BE
BEER TASTER
FOREST RANGER
COMIC ARTIST
No!
Thanks. Bye.
I can come in on Thursday at nine.
- Can you come with me? - I'm going to Trondheim.
I'll be back next Wednesday.
Then I can go with you.
Get it done. Get it out.
Aikido-Mos must have pretty good sperm
to blast through both condoms and pills.
Probably because he made me come like hell.
I came... Beyond, like.
No way!
What?
You came? From one night stand sex, shitfaced?
With Mos?
Well, he was really on the ball.
Are you gonna tell him?
Guess I have to.
- Hi! - Hi.
Hi.
- Am I interrupting anything? - No.
The thing is, I tried to look up your phone number.
Then...
Your address came up.
And I was like... just around the corner.
So I thought I might as well just...
I wanted to ask you after the aikido lesson, but...
All this other stuff came up.
But I was going to ask if maybe you'd like to go out for coffee or something.
- Huh? - If you'd like a coffee or something?
Okay, no?
Yes.
- Yes? - No.
I didn't mean to make a face.
It's just bad timing.
Okay.
- So no? - Yes.
But no in a nice way, not like...
Of course.
Okay.
- Bye. Or... - Yeah. Bye.
- Should I...? - Do it.
Hello?
Sorry, it was just weird timing with that question.
Right.
Well, I'm pregnant.
Are you kidding?
Wow. Shit, that...
And you're like...
the only one...
That can't be right.
Seems we're both very fertile, so...
It's no big deal. But since you suddenly showed up, I thought I'd blurt it out.
That's a pretty serious twist.
I'm gonna have an abortion.
And there's another one.
Life.
Sorry.
It's okay.
Is there anything I can do for you?
Nothing.
But, right...
I didn't mean to be rude about the coffee, just...
Maybe you can ask me again some other time?
- If you want to. - Yeah, sure thing.
- Yeah. - Okay.
- Bye. - Bye.
Dammit.
Oh, my God!
Hi. How much to get to Ullevål Hospital?
I've got an abortion. I've only got 74 kroner.
I can't get you there for 74 kroner. Sorry.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
- Hi. - Sorry to bother you.
- Don't worry about it. - I missed my bus.
So I... I didn't know who to call.
Because I can't miss my appointment.
Have to get it done pretty soon, so...
I didn't feel too guilty since it's sort of your fault too.
You want me to come with you?
I wouldn't mind.
HAS A CAR
AND SPERM WITH SUPERPOWERS
SMELLS LIKE BUTTER
What is it?
Nothing.
Look at this.
Angelina Jolie has six kids.
Rakel Pedersen?
Right.
We used both a condom and the pill, so...
It's not our fault.
- What is it? - I'll just do an ultrasound.
Just... Have you been together a while?
We're not together.
He just came along.
Could you excuse us for a moment?
No! What? Why?
We need to talk about a sensitive issue.
- I've got cancer? - No.
Did you feel a tumour?
No, no.
I can step outside.
No, don't leave.
Okay, what...
Time out. What's going on?
Right.
Oh, shit.
Huh? What's wrong?
You're a little more than eight weeks pregnant.
I'd estimate that you're at the end of the second trimester.
What does that mean?
You're about 26 weeks pregnant.
- 26 weeks means...? - Six and a half months pregnant.
I'm... I'm not six months pregnant.
Are you stupid or something?
That's... I don't have...
- My body's fine! - I know it's unexpected.
But not all pregnant women get a huge belly.
You may have missed your...
Just give me the pills.
I'm sure you're aware that the limit for abortion is 12 weeks.
I'm having an abortion. I demand an abortion right away!
Take those fucking pills and stuff them up the pill hole.
I don't want a flyer.
I want those pills.
I think we should take a deep breath.
You can get back to us if you have any questions and so on.
I want an abortion now!
That goes for you too, it's all in there.
I'm no longer the father,
but I'll hold on to the flyer.
But it's not possible. I can't be six months pregnant without knowing it!
I'm not six months pregnant!
It's not that common, but it happens.
I've read people give birth in the toilet. They had no idea. So it's...
I usually offer a print of the ultrasound, but...
Don't print anything.
This is just completely nuts.
Jeez, how unprofessional.
I've been drinking and stuff. Like, partying like hell, and...
We'll run some tests, but there's nothing wrong with the foetus...
as far as I can see. It seems to be normal and...
Thank you.
Where are my pants?!
Let me know if I can help.
Six months?!
Are you six months pregnant?
Six and a half, they say.
- Fuck. - Yeah.
- No! - Yes.
- There's a baby in there? - Yeah.
My God. Can I feel it?
- Is it kicking? - No!
It's not fucking kicking.
If it had, I'd have known it's there before now.
Why isn't it kicking?
- Is it sick? - No, it's not sick.
It's just a fucking rotten sneaky Ninjababy
who thinks it can chill there for nine months and then sneak out.
You sure it's not sick?
You're partying all the time.
- Not all the time. - Half the time.
- Maybe a quarter. - At least.
Doesn't the baby get as drunk as the mum?
The doctor said it looked fine.
Who's the dad?
I don't know.
Sure you know.
Six or seven months ago.
Dick Easter.
Yeah.
It could be anyone. You banged loads.
I didn't bang loads.
I banged three guys, Ingrid.
- Not that many. - Rakel, this is like Mamma Mia.
What? No way.
- It's the same concept. - No, it's not.
It can only be one of them.
How come?
There was Hassan in Geilo. He didn't come.
And Martin didn't come
in there.
So there's just one,
one bastard who...
Dick Jesus?!
Dick Jesus.
I told you to lay off Dick Jesus.
I know.
But every time I meet him he's like, "Wanna fuck?"
And I can't say no. It's impossible.
Are you gonna be a mum?
I should have let him come on my face.
No.
Better to get pregnant than get Dick Jesus' cum on your face.
It's a little romantic, though?
It's not fucking romantic.
It's pathetic.
That's what it is. This isn't love.
It's sperm.
Are you gonna give it away?
Guess I have to.
Put it up for adoption?
I don't know.
Nobody wants to adopt a kid with a Dick Jesus dad.
Who's an alcoholic and a drug addict.
I have to sit and tell people
I've got psoriasis, that I've been drinking and smoking while pregnant?
But the next weekend was just apeshit.
That was bad. Not good. That was like... and... and...
Then there was the shroom trip.
That was wild.
Want some shrooms?
I've already got shrooms.
In my pussy!
Just kidding.
Then...
That's all I remember from that evening.
What's done is done.
C'est la vie.
So...
Carpe diem.
Ugly drawings.
You're ugly.
Yeah, I'm probably deformed.
But that's your fault.
I've got foetal alcohol syndrome.
I'll probably get water in my brain.
You should've told me so I didn't get you pissed.
Jeez.
Are you kidding?
I told you many times.
You just went to the loo.
Maybe you should kick like a normal kid?
Do you feel me now?
Rakel, Rakel, Rakel.
- May I come in? - Yeah, come inside.
Long time no see.
You want something to drink?
I have some paella on the stove if you're hungry.
No, thanks.
This is my dad?
You serious?
You let that guy fuck you?
Drag me to court.
What?
No, nothing.
Right. So you're...
Not having anything?
Well, should we just...
Get to it?
We're not gonna fuck.
- There's something I have to tell you. - Oh, no.
Let me guess. You've got chlamydia?
I've been there before.
You've been to the doctor.
Bad news: you've got chlamydia.
Now you have to tell everyone you've had sex with that they might have it as well.
I'm pregnant.
Okay. Congrats?
Don't fucking congratulate me.
It's yours.
No way.
I'm seven months pregnant.
And it's yours.
Right. You're not.
If you were seven months pregnant, you'd have a huge belly.
Your belly would be out here.
You're pregnant. Could well be.
But first trimester, max.
Not everyone gets that belly.
I've been to the doctor. I'm seven months pregnant.
And you're the only one who wouldn't use a condom.
You should go to the hospital and take a paternity test.
And join the world of condoms.
And I think you should take the kid.
I'm not growing up with this guy. Are you nuts?
He's got a "Blaze the Lord" poster on the wall!
It's too late for an abortion.
I don't want a kid. I don't have time, money...
You've got everything. You've got a place to live, grandparents...
This is your fault. You realize that much?
Your fault.
So fucking congrats to you.
This is so fucking sick.
How can you be seven months pregnant and not know it?
You gotta keep track of your goddamn periods, and...
What do I know? Get an abortion like a normal person.
You can't just barge in and chuck a baby in my face!
And besides, it was your idea that I should come in there.
Are you fucking shitting me?
But it was!
I can come anywhere!
I can come on your face, on your tits, on your ass, in your ass!
I can come in the fucking coffee machine if you want, just tell me!
Boom! Empty clip.
Goddamn you.
I never said you could come inside me. Just not on my face!
But you never listen.
The window's tiny.
You gotta take vital decisions at light speed.
And in that subtext, it's either or.
- It's either or! That's how it is. - No!
- It's not. - Well, it is for me.
I've seriously got 50% of this guy's DNA?
- I'm not having a kid. - I'm giving birth in any case.
And it'll exist.
And you're a dad and I'm a mum for the rest of our lives.
Oh, fuck. He's the kinda guy who'll get a midlife crisis,
start bugging me in my teens. "I was so young and immature!"
"Now I wanna be part of your life."
I'll be busy with my band.
Not that convenient with a burnout dad who suddenly wants to connect.
If you don't want it, I'll have to give it away.
Put it up for adoption.
Sure.
I don't want any hassle from you later.
I'm just saying, if we do it, we do it.
You can't have a revelation.
Suddenly wanna "be there" and make a huge fuss.
- Okay. - If we do it, we do it.
- It's a deal. - Yeah?
- Jeez, you really don't care. - No.
Sure I do, but...
I'm just not having a kid now.
You know, you should get a vasectomy.
Just chop, chop down there. Reverse it if you ever want kids.
Sure, okay, but I'm not gonna do that.
No?
Right, I'll go set up the adoption.
Okay.
- No! We're not having sex! - Why not?
- Did you hear anything I said? - Sure, I'm here.
- Evidently not. - But jeez, we have such great sex!
You're smoking hot, and you're pregnant already, so we don't have to fret about...
No, we're not having sex.
Don't look down.
No, don't look...
Oh, jeez...
This is humiliating!
I can come inside you, right?
No, absolutely not! No!
Shut up!
Sorry?
Hey, you know what? This isn't working.
No!
Okay...
Sperm, jeez...
This shit sucks.
You read about that Mormon lady who wants mandatory vasectomy for teenage boys?
What?
It's a great idea.
We always get the blame for abortions.
If all 12-year-old boys had a vasectomy
we'd be done with
all those irresponsible ejaculations.
- If they're serious, then... - You can't sterilize all men.
Sure you can. Because the thing is, you can always reverse it.
They can just see the doctor. Chop, chop.
Go back when they want kids. Chop, chop.
Then they can pump in as much sperm and cum and babies as they like.
- It's absolutely brilliant. - It won't work.
It's child abuse.
But jeez, we're already snipping up little boys' pee-pees like it's nothing.
I mean, compared to what we go through, with pills that make you bipolar,
IUDs that have to be surgically implanted in your kitty...
And what about all the abortions?
What about this? I can't have an abortion.
I'll be flat out in a hospital bed,
torn apart from clit to asshole, shitting myself for 19 hours.
That'll be a treat. I'm so looking forward to it. Hurray!
A vasectomy is nothing!
No.
True enough.
It'll never happen
in the patriarchate.
- Patriarchy. - Right, patriarchy.
If you still want to give it away after birth, it will be placed in a foster home
for a couple of months to give you time to think it over, maybe change your mind.
Finally it will be handed over to the adoptive parents.
Sounds good.
I just want to know one thing. These parents...
I'd prefer...
I'd like it if they're not too rich.
Because it's kind of...
Kids who have too much money lose touch with reality.
If the parents have many kids, it might work, could be okay.
But if a couple has loads of money and just wants to adopt one kid...
I think I'll choose someone else.
But you won't be involved in the actual choice of adoptive parents.
We'll handle that part. But we will listen to your wishes.
So I don't have any say about where the kid will end up?
We will listen to your wishes. Try to make it happen.
I won't get to meet them, like?
No, but the child...
But how can I know they're not Nazi paedophiles?
Well, it's an extensive process.
So I just have to trust you?
PRE-ADOPTION COURSE
Hey, Rakel! Hi.
It's been ages. How are you?
How are things in graphic design?
I dropped out.
There was so much stress with, well...
Basically the whole thing.
Okay?
So what's happening?
I'm pregnant.
Seven months pregnant.
- No? - Yeah.
I didn't even notice.
- Suddenly there's a kid in there. - That's not possible!
It is.
Who's the father?
Dick Jesus.
- Dick...? - Jesus.
Dick Jesus?
Who's that?
Someone who doesn't wanna deal with it.
But Rakel,
how is that even...
- No, you must be kidding. - I'm not kidding, no.
So...
I thought maybe...
You and Stian, you've...
You've like...
You've tried...
To have kids.
Yeah.
So I thought...
Is it something you're still trying to do, or have you...
shelved it?
- We're ready. - Right, I'm coming.
I'm going to L.A. with Marlene Lindtner.
She's been signed with Warner.
Wants me to produce her album.
Okay.
Cool.
L.A. sucks, but it's pretty radical.
So I'm planning to go there.
That's awesome.
But... So I'll be an aunt, and you'll be a mum in a couple of months?
Yeah.
But I'm not gonna be a mum.
So, I'm...
Listen, I know it must be hard, Rakel.
Hey, you know what? Just relax.
It'll be okay.
But...
L.A. sounds so awesome. That's some serious stuff.
- I'll come see you. - You have to do that.
You're on top of everything.
- Bye! - Bye.
- Right. - Sebastian.
Okay.
Hi.
I think I'm a bit late.
No problem.
You must be...
Fatima...?
Yeah. Sure. Yep.
- Okay. - That's me.
Right.
What about Zayid?
Right, Zayid. He...
He's at home with a tummy bug.
- Oh, dear. - He was real sick last night.
That's too bad.
Yeah, it sucks big time.
Right.
Let's say hello to Fatima.
We hope Zayid can be here next time.
We've just completed the introductions.
So we'll take it from there. You'll get to know the others.
HEIRLOOM
AND GOLD WATCH
AND HOW MUCH ANTI-WRINKLE CREAM?
HANDCRAFTED SHOES AND F**KING CREASED TROUSERS?!
OKAY, YOU BLOW TWO GRAND ON A SILK BLOUSE, AND YOU GO FOR BEIGE?
NO DANDRUFF?
HERE, HAVE SOME!
We're applying in Norway.
Okay.
Then it's possible for the temporary foster home to use the name you choose.
But it's not a problem if you need time to find a name.
Yes, because it does feel a bit strange
to decide on a name before you've met the child.
But we have to put it in the application.
For us, it's either Chrisander or Frimann.
What beautiful names!
You think so? How kind of you. But we...
Why are you applying in Norway?
I think we should pick up where we...
I'm not trying to blame anyone. Zayid and I are also applying in Norway.
But we feel a bit guilty about it.
Whether it's the right thing to do, like.
There are so many hellholes around the world.
Shouldn't you fetch some children there?
Help those who don't have access to...
Well, food, water, medical and social services...
Should I try to answer for our part?
We've looked into a foreign application, but it seems a bit more unpredictable.
Unpredictable how?
Which colour you get?
No.
Diseases, age, background, history and...
In Russia, there are women who drink alcohol during pregnancy.
What do you think Norwegians do?
Adopting here doesn't mean a white child.
I mean, many children born in Norway...
Absolutely, Norwegian born only means the child is born in Norway.
We've applied both at home and abroad.
But we have thought about it.
We have one child. It's easier if the next one is similar.
He or she wouldn't have to feel so different.
Maybe be bullied at school. The world is still a racist place.
You'll solve that by adopting a white kid into your white family?
That's not what I said.
A little bullying at Bolteløkka school beats never having clean water,
dying of malaria and watching mum get stabbed to death.
- Excuse me? - A tiny difference there.
I think that's a rather racist allegation.
Saying all coloured children will die of malaria.
- Maybe I'm a racist. Sorry. - That's not what I meant.
But I think it's a good example. Then I shouldn't be allowed to adopt.
You know what? Put that in the application!
If you tick the box marked "Norwegian", it's "No!"
Not allowed. Won't happen.
Racist, racist, racist.
May I ask why your name is Fatima?
Did you change your name as an adult?
No,
I didn't.
I'm adopted.
Okay. Excellent.
But now I think we should focus...
Funny you should ask. When you hear my name is Fatima, you think I'm radicalized.
Hi. Sorry.
Thanks, I have to rush.
I wouldn't mind rich parents.
You saw that one couple?
Fresh sourdough bread every morning.
When I start a band, they'll buy everything I need!
But they're racist.
If anyone was racist, it was you.
Shut up.
I think you hate them because you want me for yourself.
Wanna be my mum, watch me grow up to be Dick Jesus 2.0.
Yuck! Jeez!
You know what?
I just want to get rid of you without feeling permanently guilty.
I don't have time for kids. I need to get a life.
Well, I don't want anything to do with you either.
But who would you want?
If you could choose?
Your sister seems cool.
She doesn't have time for you.
Then I'll go for Angelina Jolie.
- Angelina Jolie? - Yeah.
If she met me, we'd hit it off.
She already has six kids.
Just proves she's a good mum.
She's got plenty of experience. Plus she's loaded.
Hey!
Hello?
You think I'll go away just because you put a cup over me?
Rakel?
Gotta stop screwing around, woman!
Rakel! This isn't funny. Let me out!
Sure you don't want to come along?
- Hi. - Hi.
Oops.
Are you serious?
What about Stian?
- I mentioned it to him. - Is it okay with him?
Not really.
He already has three kids. We've tried for years. The doctors say it's possible.
I just have a bad feeling about it.
But are you breaking up?
Do you really mean it?
Yes.
Because I don't know what it'll be like, how it would work...
And you want to stay in touch with it?
Well, I suppose I'll be an aunt.
Okay. If we're gonna do this...
How is it done?
- I don't know. - Haven't you checked?
No, I...
I'm just trying to get rid of it.
- But it might be illegal. - Huh?
You can't give away kids just like that.
Why not?
Listen. I'm turning down L.A.
And I'll read a bit about this.
And talk it over with Stian.
- Okay. - Mummy.
Auntie.
Wouldn't that be weird?
You said you liked her.
Yeah, but where are you in the picture?
She'll be my mum, and you'll be my aunt?
Although you both know it's the other way around.
Family dinners and Christmases will get weird!
We don't do family dinners.
Why not?
It'll be a mess.
You'll come around and give me an identity crisis at five.
I'll end up like Dick Jesus. Lots of random sex, no true connection
because mum made sure I can't trust anyone.
Yeah, but you have to end up with someone.
Mie is cool as shit.
- Angelina Jolie. - No.
Come up with something better.
Well, you can stay here.
Lie on the floor, swimming in spaghetti crusts and old snuff.
Know there's a liver paste sandwich here?
Sure. Enjoy it when you get out.
Why are you so nasty? If you hadn't been so nasty, it would work out.
Can't you just shut up? Please?
How long has that sandwich been there?
Can't you just pick it up and bin it?
Don't just sit there with your doodles.
Get a grip, for Christ's sake!
- Hi. - Hi.
Rakel, you've got company.
I've gotta run. But come in.
- Hi there. - Hi.
Sorry for being a pain in the ass.
I just...
I thought I'd ask.
The last time I asked you out for coffee it was bad timing.
You said I could try again later. Was hoping you meant it.
Then you got real pregnant.
And it probably felt a bit difficult for you.
But I just wanted to say it's not difficult for me.
Right. I thought you might need someone to talk to.
And I sort of like you.
So if you feel like having a beer, no strings attached--
you can't. But maybe a no strings coffee?
Yeah.
We can have coffee.
Yeah?
- Now? - Yeah, that's fine.
Right.
I just have to...
I'll just fetch... Get my jacket.
Don't come in.
No? Okay. Sorry.
The place is a mess, so...
Yeah, that's... Yes.
Ninjababy? Did you make this?
Don't look at it. It's...
- Private. - Sorry.
But real cool.
Is this me?
- No. - "Aikido-Mos".
"Smells like butter". You think so?
- Yeah. - I do?
Well, no. I mean...
It's...
It's just my pregnancy, it's given me a super-sharp sense of smell.
So everything has a smell.
It's like... Ugh.
But I mean... You smell nice.
- Butter? - Yeah.
It smells nice.
That baby was cool, though.
Thanks.
I draw a bit too.
Or rather, I paint.
- Like art? - No, it's more like...
Like figures.
- Okay. - Figures with particular powers,
pieces for a game. You paint them first.
- Warhammer? - Kings of War, yeah.
It's almost the same as Warhammer.
You know what it is?
I've played it.
I had a friend in high school who had it.
- You kidding? - Goblins are neat.
They're the ones I use. Or used.
But I got trouble with yellow bellies. So I switched to Undead with unlimited surge.
I'm supposed to be at a tournament. I'm not going.
But if you'd turned down the coffee, I'd have gone.
It's a tournament, but it's like private.
Are you nervous?
No, I'm not nervous. It's not the Olympics.
It's just Henning.
This one's real sick.
That's my commander.
I won a prize for the design.
- You painted it yourself? - It took me two weeks.
Cool.
I've written a backstory too.
Well, or...
Look at that!
His mother was decapitated while giving birth to him?
- Dark. - Yeah, it is a bit violent.
No women here, or...?
No, there aren't that many women in the series I use.
Just decapitated mums?
Yeah, it does sound weird when you put it like that.
- Hi there. - Hello, senpai.
This is Rakel. Henning, Rakel.
- Are you...? - No.
Hey, you're getting slaughtered today. Focus on that.
Hello, boys.
We're ready to roll.
- This is Rakel. - Hi.
- You're late. - Sorry. I know.
Something came up.
You chose the left side?
You know it's my side, but...
Sorry.
I'll put my stuff here.
Is that the new Nightstalker?
Real neat.
You need any help?
Rakel can give you a hand.
She's a really great painter.
Draws well too.
She's got a comic book figure called Ninjababy.
It rocks.
You'd like it. Looks a bit like Bone.
You make comics?
No.
I just draw sometimes.
What does Ninjababy do?
Not that much.
Chills.
Does it have a sword?
No.
You think it should have one?
Yeah.
A katana.
Come on, join us.
No, I'll pass.
Come on.
Yes! Blood and suffering!
Boom! Okay.
- Oh, have you read this one? - No.
It's sort of
like autobiography-ish.
Kinda hard to describe.
But it's a love story, coming of age.
He grows up in a Christian family.
Finds out he's not that religious, falls in love...
- Maybe it sounds a bit boring? - No. No, no. It's not...
Not that many decapitations during childbirth.
- Are you okay? - Sure, I'm just a bit...
- Does it hurt? - No, it just feels a bit weird.
Right. I get it.
Don't you think it's weird?
This whole thing?
No.
Why not?
I don't know.
I wanted to get to know you anyway, so it would be uncool to change my mind
just because you're pregnant.
All the reasons why I liked you are still the same.
You don't know anything about me.
I know quite a lot.
We've had sex once, and met like two times.
Three.
Three times?
Okay.
Okay what? You want a list of what I know about you?
Not if it turns out you're a star psycho who's been stalking me for years.
No, but we've been out. I know you get drunk pretty easily.
And you don't have
a great deal of money.
And
you hate ABBA, and love beer.
I know you're willing to try aikido, even though you think it's goofy.
Which means you're open-minded,
willing to try new things.
You can
talk pretty freely about poo.
I've been to an abortion clinic with you,
so I know that though you try to act cool,
you're human enough to not want to go there alone.
I know that you like drawing,
and that you're really good at it.
I know that if you want to, something you've made can end up in a comic store
and mean a lot to someone who reads it.
And I know you're pregnant.
Seven or eight months pregnant. It probably sucks, but...
It's not the first thing I think about when I see you.
My first thought is, "Wow, she's stunning!"
"I've had sex with her."
This is making me horny.
Hi.
Or good morning.
I've made breakfast.
You want a fried egg?
Yes, please.
Thanks.
What a treat.
I'll get it.
This is...
Want some coffee?
Coffee.
- No. - I've changed my mind.
I've thought about this thing, and it's real sick.
But it's somehow existential too.
After you came to see me, I went
to grandma's house in Ås, tried to gather my thoughts.
Then something really weird happened one evening. Like...
It was like someone shouted to me from the forest.
I tried to get closer to see what it was, and the closer I got, the more I got
the feeling that someone was keeping an eye on me, observing me.
I didn't see anyone. Suddenly it was like something gripped my guts.
"It has to be the baby."
My unborn child came to me to tell me that I'd regret it.
Okay, I know I sound like a new age freak.
But suddenly I knew.
Knew what?
That I want this child.
Have you lost your mind?
I mean, I've already arranged everything.
Okay?
But... But I'm still the dad.
Yeah.
Yeah? So I've got rights.
I wouldn't know.
I think so. I don't think you can put the kid up for adoption if I say no.
I can google it.
Ingrid, don't.
Just don't.
Right.
You know what?
But you don't want kids.
I just think I could make a good father.
What's more, I think you and I could make good parents.
We'll move to Ås. I'm serious.
Grandma's in a nursing home.
We can move in, be parents. Raise this kid, who'll turn out to be awesome.
Like, we don't have to... Don't have to be a couple per se.
I don't know. We can just live there.
Have sex if that's what we want.
We'll sort it out. We won't regret it.
Have you ever met a mum or a dad who says, "Oh, I regret having kids?"
No, they can't admit it.
No, it's because it's impossible to regret it.
It's like life-changing, self-fulfilling, existential and...
I just think it would be so good for me.
For you too. I just think it's something we gotta do.
Look, I'm not having a baby with you.
Why not, Rakel?
There's obviously something going on between you and me.
There is.
It's not that long since we...
I mean...
- Okay, I should leave. - Stay.
But you seem to have a lot to talk about.
Sorry, are you Rakel's boyfriend?
Hi, I'm Mos. No, we're not together.
Aren't you the guy from that aikido gym at Helsfyr?
- Uh, yeah. - I've been a student of yours.
How does it go? Ugetsu, ugo... omo...
I just wanted to fight with those staffs.
Hey, we were having a great time here. Mos had whipped up a wonderful breakfast.
You know what? Get lost.
Check out the nearest kindergarten. You don't want this.
That's the point. I really don't want to, that's why I have to.
- Get it? - No.
- Hey, listen... - This isn't a good time.
I can become a foster parent, then adopt later.
Might not have to because you aren't that fucked up.
- Hi. - Hello.
This is Mie, she's going to adopt.
- Oh, is that so? - It's complicated.
You can't just adopt like that, so...
Who are you?
Well, I'm the child's dad.
I see. So you're Dick Jesus?
Yeah, apparently.
I have to go to work.
We're having a conversation here.
Well, I have to get out of here, or...
Leave! Out! All of you! Bye!
But you have to tell her she can't have the kid.
Of course she's gonna have the kid!
You can't just come here and...
She's turned down a job in fucking L.A., broken up with her boyfriend and...
You can't just spring this on me now!
You sprung it on me just a few weeks ago!
Right. I just took some time to think.
Suddenly you've given it to someone you found at Walmart!
- Excuse me? - She's my half-sister.
- She's had loads of shit with her ovaries. - Leave that part out.
Okay, I'm sorry to hear that.
Didn't you talk to him before asking me?
Sure I talked to him, but now he's got this sick revelation!
I'm sorry. You know what? I'm sorry for having a sense of responsibility.
I think you need to sort this out. We'll talk later.
What's wrong? What's going on?
Rakel. Oh, come on, Rakel.
Why do you always make a huge...
Shut up!
- Oh, Shit. This is... - Has her water broken?
- Get the car! - Okay, right.
Have you packed your maternity bags?
Where... It's way too early!
It's to the right. Through there.
- Is it this way? - It's easier if we work together.
I'll go find a doctor or something.
- Hi. - Hi, Rakel.
- You had pains? - Yes, some.
- Are you feeling better? - No, she's not.
Could you please come with me?
Right, I'm coming along.
Is there something wrong?
The heartbeat is still fine.
But...
We'll run some tests.
Right.
Hey? What's going on?
They don't know.
They have to run a few tests and so on first.
They say I have to stay here until they get the results.
Hey, it's okay. I'll stay here with you.
I think I'd rather be alone.
Alright.
We can stay.
It's okay. I'm just a bit tired.
I can give you a lift home.
That would be great.
Maybe you could drive me to Ås?
To Ås? Sure.
Nice.
Shotgun.
It'll be alright.
Yeah.
Just cross my fingers and hope it's dead.
Huh?
Get it over with.
I've killed it.
No.
Yes, I have.
I can tell.
Feel it's about to die.
Stop it.
And that's what I wanted.
I wanted it to die.
- It's not the same. - No.
Even though it's dead, I have to give birth to it.
Squeeze out this tiny corpse.
I'm the one who killed it. Being so damn nasty. Getting shitfaced.
Doing drugs. Screwing around.
Like, totally fucking hopeless.
Never seeing anything through.
Just wasting my life doodling shitty stick figures.
No wonder the kid's sick.
Rakel, don't say that.
I know you think this is your fault.
That it makes you a bad person.
But you have to stop hating yourself.
How are you feeling? Let me know if there's anything I can do.
Who can sail without wind...
Who can row without oars...
Why don't you like me?
I like you.
I've been a cool foetus.
Didn't make too much hassle.
Didn't make you fat or sick. Tried to be your friend.
You poison me, and now you're giving me away!
I feel like shit!
I know how you feel.
I can't take it anymore.
No...
No!
Are you okay?
Excuse me? We need some help here.
Excuse me? We need help.
No!
- Hi. - Hi.
She's just slept.
- Isn't that a good sign? - Yes.
Rakel?
- You've got company. - Hi.
I have to go, but I'll be back soon. Okay?
See you.
- Bye. - Bye.
I thought about what you said about the lack of women in the army.
I tried to get hold of one. Wasn't easy.
I managed to swap another piece for this.
I've painted it myself.
This is Leila.
Leila was abandoned as a child.
She was found by a general who'd lost his pregnant wife in the war.
The general takes Leila and raises her like his own.
When Leila grows up, she wants to join the army.
But her father won't let her because she's a woman.
So what Leila does, is fake her own death.
She goes undercover as a man to muscle in on the business.
She rises through the ranks for 15 years.
Finally she becomes second in command to the general, and who's the general?
- Her father. - So Leila has to kill her father.
Which she does
to become general.
Then she reveals it to them.
"Hello?!"
"I'm a woman. Deal with it, bitches!"
Now she's sworn to slaughter Henning
and make sure there's blood and suffering.
She's pretty awesome.
Thanks.
Looks like the kid's doing fine.
Seems like a cool kid.
How are you feeling?
I don't know.
This is weird.
Yeah.
I know what you mean.
I'm a chick, though.
That was a surprise.
Thought I was a dude.
I thought so too.
You felt like a dude.
Nope.
I've got a full-on vagina cooking here.
Ovaries. Double X chromosomes.
Won't produce a drop of sperm in my life.
At least that's a victory.
What are you lolling about?
Nothing.
- I'm just tired. - You're tired?
I weigh two grams and have a lung defect.
- Hi. - Hi.
They say she just has to lie here until...
I don't really know. A while, at least.
Hi.
Are you hungry? Would you like...?
No, I'm good.
May I? Thanks.
Right.
I guess I should leave now.
Or, I have to go.
- We can just... - Okay.
I'll just... see you out.
- Hey, thanks. - Yeah, of course.
Do I have to? Can't you give her a bottle?
Have you thought about...?
I just want her to be okay.
I think she'd be better off with you.
Something about...
Being close to mum.
We can go to our place, see how it works out.
"Our place"?
To grandma's house.
But... Is it because of...
that guy, Mos?
He can come and stay. I mean it.
That's not it.
- But don't you want... - I don't want kids.
And yeah, it's a fucked-up thing to say.
Probably egotistic as hell, but...
It's typical.
That's how I am.
A fucking egotistic crappy person.
I mean, I can look at her, hold her, and still think...
"Dammit, I don't want kids."
Then you shouldn't have kids.
Shouldn't raise children.
You're not a crappy person.
I'm sure you'd make an awesome mum.
But I have zero desire to be a mum.
It's never been on my list.
Can't you just take her?
- I'm a crappy person too. - Yeah.
I'm not saying it's ideal.
But you like yourself as a dad.
That's how the whole thing started.
That you saw yourself as a dad,
liked the person you saw in the mirror.
So what's her name?
I have no idea.
I can take her, but I think you should find a name for her first.
Hi there, Ninjababy.
I'm gonna give you a name.
I'm Ninjababy.
You need a real name.
I think it rocks.
Okay, I'm gonna find a name for you,
then you'll go home with Dick Jesus.
Hey? Hello? It's Are.
Sorry.
Are.
Is that okay with you?
If he burns the "Blaze the Lord" poster.
Gotta burn the "Blaze the Lord" poster.
Okay.
So what should my name be?
What about Angelina?
- No. - Please?
Pretty please?
Her name's Nina.
Nina Bibbi.
You said I could choose.
Yeah, I did.
Nina Bibbi Lindeberg, right?
Ninabibbi Lindeberg.
Perfect.
Hi.
That's a funny baby.
Let's see...
Nice?
Look! A dark cloud!
Yes, a cloud.
- Look! - Yes, isn't it funny?
- A tomato! - Yes, that's right.