1 00:00:05,505 --> 00:00:08,341 The law clearly stipulates that no person 2 00:00:08,341 --> 00:00:10,385 shall withhold payment for services rendered. 3 00:00:10,385 --> 00:00:13,555 Agreed, but when a haircut is this bad... 4 00:00:16,474 --> 00:00:19,686 ...hasn't he already paid enough? 5 00:00:19,686 --> 00:00:22,313 Not guilty, but I will recommend house arrest 6 00:00:22,313 --> 00:00:25,191 for three to four weeks-- and a really big hat. 7 00:00:26,735 --> 00:00:29,362 I feel your pain. One time, I asked for "the Rachel." 8 00:00:29,362 --> 00:00:31,489 Now I know to specify "Maddow." 9 00:00:32,741 --> 00:00:34,701 Oh, so that's our last case of the night? 10 00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:36,870 Yep! Another early one, all thanks to Wyatt. 11 00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:38,288 Yeah, I learned from my DJ days 12 00:00:38,288 --> 00:00:39,539 it's all about the setlist. 13 00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:41,708 You set the tone with animal cases up top, 14 00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:43,501 get things moving with the drunk and disorderlies, 15 00:00:43,501 --> 00:00:45,086 and then we build to the drop-- 16 00:00:45,086 --> 00:00:46,963 muggings, muggings, muggings, muggings, 17 00:00:46,963 --> 00:00:48,131 muggings, muggings, muggings! 18 00:00:48,131 --> 00:00:51,259 Ah-ah-ah! Sex in public! 19 00:00:51,259 --> 00:00:53,261 Where my pervs at?! 20 00:00:56,765 --> 00:00:58,475 Gurgs, what do you think? 21 00:00:58,475 --> 00:01:01,061 Go straight home to your place or take the scenic route again? 22 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,729 - Hmm. - 3:00 a.m., New York City. 23 00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:06,107 That's more of the... crime scenic route, right? 24 00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:08,234 By "scenic," she means "Sea Nick's", 25 00:01:08,234 --> 00:01:10,695 New York's only underwater-themed 26 00:01:10,695 --> 00:01:12,155 male strip club. 27 00:01:12,155 --> 00:01:14,407 All the dancers are named Nick. 28 00:01:14,407 --> 00:01:15,533 Ugh. 29 00:01:15,533 --> 00:01:18,119 They'll hire you if your name isn't Nick. 30 00:01:18,119 --> 00:01:19,913 Uh, so I've heard. 31 00:01:20,872 --> 00:01:22,832 So you two are living together? - I'm staying with Gurgs 32 00:01:22,832 --> 00:01:24,542 because there was a murder in my building. 33 00:01:24,542 --> 00:01:27,170 You would not believe what a true-crime podcaster 34 00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:28,505 is paying to sublet my place. 35 00:01:28,505 --> 00:01:31,257 [Laughing] I am cleaning up! 36 00:01:31,257 --> 00:01:32,592 Which the killer also did, 37 00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:35,303 because they have found no clues. 38 00:01:35,303 --> 00:01:36,721 Them living together was my idea. 39 00:01:36,721 --> 00:01:38,515 They're like Bert and Ernie except without 40 00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:41,101 the palpable sexual tension. 41 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:43,687 Speaking of, Judge, there's a cutie in the gallery 42 00:01:43,687 --> 00:01:45,397 who's been checking you out all night. 43 00:01:45,397 --> 00:01:47,440 - Really? You sure? - Definitely. 44 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:49,567 And it really stands out because most people 45 00:01:49,567 --> 00:01:52,362 don't pay you any attention at all. 46 00:01:52,362 --> 00:01:53,822 Last night, I counted zero. 47 00:01:53,822 --> 00:01:55,490 I mean, you would think that, even accidentally, 48 00:01:55,490 --> 00:01:57,409 someone would glance-- - Okay, yeah, yeah, fine. 49 00:01:57,409 --> 00:01:59,494 I get it. I'm gonna go talk to him. 50 00:01:59,494 --> 00:02:02,914 I just have to... come up with the perfect line. 51 00:02:02,914 --> 00:02:04,833 Come on, brain. Come on, brain. 52 00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:06,459 Ah! Got it. 53 00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:08,169 Fun fact-- did you know 54 00:02:08,169 --> 00:02:10,005 the most common crime of passion is murder? 55 00:02:10,005 --> 00:02:11,631 Hi. I'm Abby. 56 00:02:11,631 --> 00:02:13,174 Fun fact-- the term "Fun Fact" 57 00:02:13,174 --> 00:02:16,886 was first used in a 1970s newspaper ad for Wrigley's gum. 58 00:02:16,886 --> 00:02:19,055 Is it even worth saying my name after that? 59 00:02:19,055 --> 00:02:20,640 It's-- It's Jake. 60 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,475 Is this how most conversations start? 61 00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:24,060 It's probably how a lot of them end. 62 00:02:24,060 --> 00:02:26,312 I haven't seen you around here, which is a good thing 63 00:02:26,312 --> 00:02:27,897 'cause it means you're not a criminal. 64 00:02:27,897 --> 00:02:30,358 Well, get ready to see a little bit more of me tomorrow. 65 00:02:30,358 --> 00:02:32,694 Wow. Blond guys are easy. 66 00:02:33,903 --> 00:02:35,822 Unfortunately, tomorrow, I have this stupid 67 00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:38,616 "Sensitivity and Respect in the Workplace" seminar. 68 00:02:38,616 --> 00:02:41,745 Unless you want to come to that. Nah. That'd be weird. 69 00:02:41,745 --> 00:02:45,498 It'll be weirder if I don't come. I'm running it. 70 00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:48,293 That should have been your fun fact. 71 00:02:48,293 --> 00:02:50,545 But I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. 72 00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:52,630 I run a pretty sensitive and respectful courtroom. 73 00:02:52,630 --> 00:02:54,674 Yeah, I gotta say-- for an underwater strip club, 74 00:02:54,674 --> 00:02:57,635 Sea Nick's has a top-notch website. 75 00:02:59,220 --> 00:03:01,848 Come on. That thing would sink. 76 00:03:04,225 --> 00:03:11,816 {\an8}♪ 77 00:03:11,816 --> 00:03:14,110 {\an8}Flobert? You're coming to our sensitivity training? 78 00:03:14,110 --> 00:03:17,739 {\an8}Yes. And with that tone, seems like you need it. 79 00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:20,992 {\an8}- There he is. Satur-Dan! - Ugh. 80 00:03:20,992 --> 00:03:22,827 {\an8}You're happy to be here on a Saturday, huh? 81 00:03:22,827 --> 00:03:25,205 {\an8}You don't have that part of your brain that tells you 82 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:27,165 {\an8}when things are bad?! 83 00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:29,793 {\an8}I know this seminar isn't your idea of a good time, 84 00:03:29,793 --> 00:03:32,045 {\an8}but maybe please be nice? - Nice? 85 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:36,341 {\an8}That ship has sailed, sunk, and hasn't been found in 30 years. 86 00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:38,385 {\an8}Why do you care how I act, anyway? 87 00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:39,969 {\an8}Happy Saturday. 88 00:03:39,969 --> 00:03:42,555 {\an8}Not if I see you first! 89 00:03:42,555 --> 00:03:45,433 {\an8}I get it. You like that guy. 90 00:03:45,433 --> 00:03:47,727 {\an8}Shut up. No, I don't. Do you think he likes me? 91 00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:49,562 {\an8}Also, do you think he likes brunch? 92 00:03:49,562 --> 00:03:51,606 {\an8}Because I made reservations hoping we finish early. 93 00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:53,024 {\an8}Oh, good. So we want the same thing. 94 00:03:53,024 --> 00:03:54,693 {\an8}To go splitsies on eggs Benedict 95 00:03:54,693 --> 00:03:57,445 {\an8}and chocolate-chip pancakes, get a little sweet, a little salty? 96 00:03:57,445 --> 00:03:59,072 {\an8}No. For this to be over quickly. 97 00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:02,450 {\an8}But you know what? Yeah, I'll go splitsies on the seminar. 98 00:04:04,452 --> 00:04:06,746 {\an8}I know. No one wants to be here on a Saturday. 99 00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:08,581 {\an8}Personally, I'd rather be hiking. 100 00:04:08,581 --> 00:04:11,751 {\an8}And would you be doing that with a wife or a girlfriend... 101 00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:13,753 {\an8}or just you in your doorless Jeep 102 00:04:13,753 --> 00:04:16,423 {\an8}with a German Shepherd rescue who wears a bandana? 103 00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:18,174 {\an8}It's a good idea you bring this up 104 00:04:18,174 --> 00:04:21,678 {\an8}before the sexual-harassment part of the seminar. 105 00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:24,264 {\an8}Dan, some of us would like to know if they find Nemo. 106 00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,683 {\an8}Okay. You hold it, then. 107 00:04:26,683 --> 00:04:28,268 {\an8}I promise this will be quick. 108 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,270 {\an8}We just need to get through... this. 109 00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:31,938 {\an8}[ Thud ] 110 00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:34,649 {\an8}I'm kidding. Can you imagine? - [ Laughs ] 111 00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:37,777 {\an8}'Cause it's so much bigger than a regular binder! 112 00:04:37,777 --> 00:04:41,698 {\an8}I know she doesn't want to die alone, but come on. 113 00:04:41,698 --> 00:04:43,283 {\an8}Let's start with a hypothetical. 114 00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:44,951 {\an8}You're hanging out with two co-workers 115 00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:47,078 {\an8}when they get into an argument and one of them leaves crying. 116 00:04:47,078 --> 00:04:49,164 What do you do? - Great question, Jake. 117 00:04:49,164 --> 00:04:50,582 When I see an upset co-worker, 118 00:04:50,582 --> 00:04:52,876 I follow a triage method based on warmth. 119 00:04:52,876 --> 00:04:56,629 First level is warm words. Next is a warm hug. 120 00:04:56,629 --> 00:05:00,633 Code red is warm cookies. Those hug you from the inside. 121 00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:05,472 [Hushed] This is why no one looks at you. 122 00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:08,308 Sorry, Mister "Name Tags Are Stupid." 123 00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:10,435 You'd handle this differently? 124 00:05:10,435 --> 00:05:12,020 First of all, I wouldn't be "hanging out" 125 00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:13,855 with any co-workers, and if I found myself 126 00:05:13,855 --> 00:05:17,400 in that situation, I would fake a heart attack. 127 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,861 And when they ask me the next day if I was feeling better, 128 00:05:19,861 --> 00:05:24,324 instead of answering, I would fake another heart attack. 129 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:25,658 Actually, boundaries are important. 130 00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:27,619 That is a perfect answer. - Ah. That's fun. 131 00:05:27,619 --> 00:05:29,996 Two people can be right on the same hypothetical. 132 00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:31,581 No. Yours was wrong. 133 00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:35,001 Ooh! He liked mine better, yours not at all. 134 00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:37,253 We find when employees keep their work 135 00:05:37,253 --> 00:05:38,672 and personal lives separate, 136 00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:40,340 it makes for a more productive workplace. 137 00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:43,677 Well, here, we like to blend the personal and work. 138 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,512 You can call it "wersonal" 139 00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:47,138 or you can call it "pork." 140 00:05:47,138 --> 00:05:48,473 Both are equally bad. 141 00:05:48,473 --> 00:05:49,933 The important thing is, 142 00:05:49,933 --> 00:05:52,352 we all feel valued and appreciated. 143 00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:53,853 [ Snorts ] 144 00:05:53,853 --> 00:05:57,607 Oh, I thought that snort was in my head. 145 00:05:57,607 --> 00:06:00,026 Wyatt, is there something you'd like to say? 146 00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:02,737 It's just a snort. There doesn't have to be something behind it. 147 00:06:02,737 --> 00:06:04,614 Well, in my line of work, when you hear a snort, 148 00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:06,366 there's a story to report. 149 00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:07,867 There's no way that's a saying. 150 00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:10,787 No, it is. I saw it on a mug. 151 00:06:10,787 --> 00:06:12,997 As someone who's winning at sensitivity, 152 00:06:12,997 --> 00:06:16,459 I think it's important to hear what he has to say. 153 00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:17,919 Okay. 154 00:06:17,919 --> 00:06:20,296 It bothers me that you never say "thank you." 155 00:06:20,296 --> 00:06:22,215 Ooh! 156 00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:24,926 I thought we all were gonna make that noise. 157 00:06:24,926 --> 00:06:28,388 I just don't think it's too much to expect a grown man 158 00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:29,764 to say "thank you." 159 00:06:29,764 --> 00:06:31,599 Ooh! 160 00:06:31,599 --> 00:06:34,936 We're really not on the same page here. 161 00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:36,855 Dan, how do you feel about Wyatt's comment? 162 00:06:36,855 --> 00:06:38,857 It's fine. My co-worker feels strongly, 163 00:06:38,857 --> 00:06:40,734 and I will do everything in my power 164 00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,402 to demonstrate my gratitude. 165 00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:43,653 I will... 166 00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:45,947 kill him with kindness. 167 00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:49,868 See? Totally resolved. 168 00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:52,120 Maybe we should get back to those fun hypotheticals. 169 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,164 I have a hypothetical that's real. 170 00:06:54,164 --> 00:06:57,542 There's a certain co-worker who I let live with me 171 00:06:57,542 --> 00:06:59,711 who drank all my favorite coffee creamer! 172 00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:01,546 You told me to make myself at home. 173 00:07:01,546 --> 00:07:03,965 That's just something people say. You're not supposed to do it! 174 00:07:03,965 --> 00:07:06,760 I'm sorry. You two are living together? 175 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,261 Oh, yeah. It was, uh-- Wait, wait, 176 00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:10,513 it was somebody's idea, somebody in this room, 177 00:07:10,513 --> 00:07:11,681 a judge, but... 178 00:07:11,681 --> 00:07:13,600 - [ Fingers snap ] - ...which one? 179 00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:17,687 - Ooh! - Ooh! - Ooh! 180 00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:20,899 And now we work as a team? 181 00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:23,109 Wow. There is a lot going on here. 182 00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:25,487 This is gonna take longer than I thought. 183 00:07:25,487 --> 00:07:27,614 Okay, well, if you had any plans today, 184 00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:29,199 I would cancel them-- now. 185 00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:31,034 - [ Screams ] - Gah! 186 00:07:31,034 --> 00:07:32,285 I-I am so sorry. 187 00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:35,538 I-I did not know there was going to be a shark. 188 00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:42,504 {\an8}♪ 189 00:07:42,504 --> 00:07:44,464 Jake? Didn't expect to see you here. 190 00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:47,509 I-I thought sensitivity training was a one-time thing. 191 00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:50,095 Well, when my supervisor asked how it went, I snorted. 192 00:07:50,095 --> 00:07:52,555 Oh, when you snort, you have to write a report! 193 00:07:52,555 --> 00:07:55,308 Yep. On the day I was supposed to go hiking with my dog. 194 00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:58,395 And I just had the doors taken off my Jeep. 195 00:07:58,395 --> 00:08:00,021 Listen. Everything's fine. 196 00:08:00,021 --> 00:08:02,440 I mean, sure, we weren't great on Saturday, 197 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:05,902 but some of us were hungry for chocolate-chip pancakes. 198 00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:08,029 I get it. If you want some pointers, 199 00:08:08,029 --> 00:08:10,865 I am the guy that invented "Smile and Decline." 200 00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:13,868 It's an HR-approved way to avoid uncomfortable situations. 201 00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:15,453 Invite me to do something. 202 00:08:15,453 --> 00:08:19,541 How would you like to purchase a timeshare in Cleveland? 203 00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:23,003 It's the nation's largest hub for yellow wallpaper. 204 00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:25,213 This is not a hypothetical. 205 00:08:26,297 --> 00:08:30,885 You'll come around. They all come around. 206 00:08:30,885 --> 00:08:32,971 Your Honor, we're ready to go. 207 00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:34,931 Get ready to watch us "pork." 208 00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:37,726 Please don't write that down. 209 00:08:37,726 --> 00:08:40,395 Uh, Wyatt, before we begin, I just wanted to say 210 00:08:40,395 --> 00:08:43,231 that I took to heart what you said the other day, 211 00:08:43,231 --> 00:08:48,737 and I've learned to show my appreciation in 135 languages. 212 00:08:48,737 --> 00:08:50,947 French-- merci beaucoup. 213 00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:53,408 Samoan-- fa'afetai. 214 00:08:53,408 --> 00:08:56,578 Elvish-- guren glassui. 215 00:08:56,578 --> 00:08:58,079 Elvis-ish-- 216 00:08:58,079 --> 00:09:00,540 [As Elvis Presley] Thank you. Thank you very much. 217 00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:04,377 - I see what you're doing. - I also got you this card. 218 00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:07,213 {\an8}-[Dan as Elvis] Thank you. Thank you very much. 219 00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:13,053 {\an8}Thank you. Thank you very much. 220 00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:15,430 What a heartwarming display. 221 00:09:15,430 --> 00:09:18,266 Another issue resolved in Abby Stone's court. 222 00:09:18,266 --> 00:09:19,434 Wyatt, case? 223 00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:21,853 The People vs. Arthur and Layla Doyle. 224 00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:24,105 They are charged with unwanted touching. 225 00:09:24,105 --> 00:09:25,815 Your Honor, this is a mistake. 226 00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:27,942 My clients were merely promoting their small business 227 00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:29,652 by providing free samples. 228 00:09:29,652 --> 00:09:31,321 And what is their business? 229 00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:33,823 They are professional cuddlers. 230 00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:38,244 There's a workplace you could really write a report on. 231 00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:41,289 Well, we have the police report, 232 00:09:41,289 --> 00:09:43,625 where 19 rush-hour commuters describe them 233 00:09:43,625 --> 00:09:45,460 as "gropers," "fondlers," "ticklers," 234 00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:48,880 and, according to one woman, "handy dandies." 235 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:51,383 Your Honor, these plucky entrepreneurs should be able 236 00:09:51,383 --> 00:09:54,719 to promote their product without being labeled freaks. 237 00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:57,263 Sounds like someone wants a sample. 238 00:09:57,263 --> 00:09:59,974 Whoa! Back off, freaks. 239 00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:02,602 Your Honor, we ask that you let our HR department 240 00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,229 decide our fate. 241 00:10:04,229 --> 00:10:07,065 They know us better than we know ourselves. 242 00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:11,653 Alright. We get it. Case dismissed. 243 00:10:11,653 --> 00:10:13,363 I'll take a sample. 244 00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:17,575 Ohh! Heh. That'll get you there. [ Chuckles ] 245 00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:20,286 Your Honor, we have one more small piece of business 246 00:10:20,286 --> 00:10:22,789 before we go on to the next case. 247 00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:25,250 "Sarcastic" in C. 248 00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:27,377 [ Pitch-pipe blows ] 249 00:10:27,377 --> 00:10:28,753 ♪ Bohm-bohm-bohm ♪ 250 00:10:28,753 --> 00:10:31,089 ♪ Thank you, Wyatt, for breathing ♪ 251 00:10:31,089 --> 00:10:33,883 ♪ Thanks for being alive ♪ 252 00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:36,428 ♪ Thank you for blinking and eating food ♪ 253 00:10:36,428 --> 00:10:39,014 ♪ Without a "thank you," it would be so rude ♪ 254 00:10:39,014 --> 00:10:42,100 ♪ So it's thanks for taking up space and ♪ 255 00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:44,936 ♪ Thanks for being awake ♪ 256 00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:47,480 ♪ One last thing you should know ♪ 257 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:51,526 ♪ Is that all these "thanks" are fake ♪ 258 00:10:51,526 --> 00:10:54,696 ♪ They're not real ♪ 259 00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:58,867 ♪ Mmm ♪ 260 00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,162 What the hell was that? 261 00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:04,372 Can't you just give Wyatt a real "thank you"? 262 00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:05,665 He does so much for us! 263 00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:08,501 His shelf-reaching alone is next-level. 264 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,879 People thank each other entirely too much. 265 00:11:10,879 --> 00:11:12,881 We're expected to be grateful for nothing. 266 00:11:12,881 --> 00:11:14,758 You handed me a coffee. Here's a dollar. 267 00:11:14,758 --> 00:11:16,259 Thanks for doing your job. 268 00:11:16,259 --> 00:11:18,553 Oh, you held the elevator. Gee. Thanks. 269 00:11:18,553 --> 00:11:22,223 Now I get to breathe air that was recently in your body. 270 00:11:23,266 --> 00:11:26,353 "Thank yous" should be earned. That's the world I'm creating. 271 00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:30,315 No "thank you" is necessary. You're welcome. 272 00:11:30,315 --> 00:11:33,610 I've always wanted to be the inspiration for a rant. 273 00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:35,070 Thank you. 274 00:11:35,070 --> 00:11:37,322 That's how it sounds! 275 00:11:37,322 --> 00:11:39,199 Why can't you two be more like Olivia and Gurgs? 276 00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:40,742 They sorted out their differences. 277 00:11:40,742 --> 00:11:42,535 Well, I don't know. There weren't really differences. 278 00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,079 I just bought more creamer. 279 00:11:44,079 --> 00:11:46,414 She's being modest. She had to go to Staten Island. 280 00:11:46,414 --> 00:11:47,707 Most stores don't carry it 281 00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:49,793 because the ingredients aren't considered legal. 282 00:11:49,793 --> 00:11:51,252 It's the only creamer produced 283 00:11:51,252 --> 00:11:54,923 entirely in international waters. 284 00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:56,591 Actually, Flobert got it. 285 00:11:56,591 --> 00:11:59,427 He was going to Staten Island to visit his adopted highway. 286 00:11:59,427 --> 00:12:02,722 Don't tell the highway. It doesn't know it's adopted. 287 00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:05,517 You told Flobert? Now the word's gonna get out. 288 00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:07,936 It'll be impossible to get. - That man is an influencer. 289 00:12:07,936 --> 00:12:09,604 You know, he is single-handedly responsible 290 00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:12,524 for the revitalization of Cleveland's wallpaper district. 291 00:12:12,524 --> 00:12:14,818 Great. Now all I'll be able to get 292 00:12:14,818 --> 00:12:16,861 are those gross seasonal flavors. 293 00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:18,446 I don't care if it is Cinco de Mayo-- 294 00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:21,991 no one wants their coffee tasting like guacamole! 295 00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:23,368 What's happened to us?! 296 00:12:23,368 --> 00:12:25,036 Jake has us turning on each other 297 00:12:25,036 --> 00:12:27,163 when I should be turning him on! 298 00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:35,547 Picture yourself in a luxury condo 299 00:12:37,132 --> 00:12:40,719 with a view of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame's... 300 00:12:40,719 --> 00:12:42,387 parking lot. 301 00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:44,889 Jake, I need to speak with you. 302 00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:46,850 Good. Talk it over with the wife. 303 00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:49,894 I'll be standing right over there. 304 00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:53,189 You know, ever since you got here, everyone's been on edge. 305 00:12:53,189 --> 00:12:54,941 Interesting. And that's my fault? 306 00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:56,443 Because it wasn't my idea 307 00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:58,361 to have your prosecutor move in with your bailiff. 308 00:12:58,361 --> 00:12:59,946 Well, before this whole creamer thing, 309 00:12:59,946 --> 00:13:03,324 they were having a lot of fun objectifying men together. 310 00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:05,577 Also, is it true that you locked your staff in your office 311 00:13:05,577 --> 00:13:07,871 and made them tell you their personal secrets? 312 00:13:07,871 --> 00:13:09,581 - Not this week. - Did I also hear 313 00:13:09,581 --> 00:13:12,167 that you tagged along on a co-worker's date? 314 00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:14,919 Only because Dan wanted to have sex with a woman 315 00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:16,129 who was going to kill him! 316 00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:18,298 That's got to be a loophole! 317 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:21,551 I understand this would be frowned upon in some workplaces, 318 00:13:21,551 --> 00:13:23,011 but here we're a family. 319 00:13:23,011 --> 00:13:24,471 Except you're not. It's work. 320 00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:26,473 Are you telling me how to run my courtroom? 321 00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:29,059 Well, it's kind of my job. Look, I'm starting to think 322 00:13:29,059 --> 00:13:30,685 you're a little too close to all this. 323 00:13:30,685 --> 00:13:33,396 I think the best thing to do is to have another meeting. 324 00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:35,607 I don't think us having another meeting is a good idea. 325 00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:39,944 I completely agree. You shouldn't be involved. 326 00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:43,073 So you're having an HR meeting about me? 327 00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:46,618 I'm reporting that. It makes me uncomfortable. 328 00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:48,036 I couldn't help but notice 329 00:13:48,036 --> 00:13:50,455 there's a little trouble in paradise. 330 00:13:50,455 --> 00:13:54,125 You know, Cleveland is a great town to be newly divorced in. 331 00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:59,631 {\an8}♪ 332 00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:07,764 Really, Dan? A "thank you" flash mob?! 333 00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:09,140 When is this going to end?! 334 00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:10,892 When you've experienced the full force 335 00:14:10,892 --> 00:14:13,770 and fury of my gratitude. 336 00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:17,065 I was in an elevator! 20 people started dancing around. 337 00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:18,983 I thought I was gonna die! 338 00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:20,610 What are you waiting for, gossip girl? 339 00:14:20,610 --> 00:14:22,570 Why aren't you telling all this to Flobert? 340 00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:25,782 Well, at least Flobert doesn't use my deodorant. 341 00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:27,409 My wife and I share deodorant. 342 00:14:27,409 --> 00:14:30,286 We share everything-- except the bed. 343 00:14:31,830 --> 00:14:34,457 - Where the hell is this HR guy? - Sorry I'm late. 344 00:14:34,457 --> 00:14:38,086 Ah. Jake's not here? Who calls a meeting and doesn't show? 345 00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:40,130 It's so unprofessional. - Maybe he bailed because 346 00:14:40,130 --> 00:14:42,132 he only likes me and he heard the rest of you 347 00:14:42,132 --> 00:14:44,801 insensitive losers were gonna be here. 348 00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:46,970 Totally. In the meantime, though, 349 00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:48,388 maybe we talk through some stuff 350 00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:50,598 just to kill some time until Jake can break away 351 00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:53,435 from whatever it is that's keeping him? 352 00:14:54,519 --> 00:14:56,146 I really have to be somewhere. 353 00:14:56,146 --> 00:14:58,481 You were gifted an hour-long throuple cuddle. 354 00:14:58,481 --> 00:15:00,525 That's what you're getting. - Ugh! 355 00:15:02,193 --> 00:15:05,155 18, 19, 20. 356 00:15:05,155 --> 00:15:07,032 Okay! Now, how do you feel? 357 00:15:07,032 --> 00:15:09,451 Kind of like I wasted 20 seconds. 358 00:15:09,451 --> 00:15:10,827 20 seconds of eye contact 359 00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:12,328 is supposed to help you feel more connected. 360 00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:13,997 Then shouldn't I be doing it with Dan? 361 00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:16,958 It's important to create unity throughout the entire team. 362 00:15:16,958 --> 00:15:19,502 And Dan refused to participate. 363 00:15:20,462 --> 00:15:23,006 I wish I had refused to do that trust fall with Flobert. 364 00:15:23,006 --> 00:15:24,341 If I was supposed to catch you, 365 00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:27,177 it should be called a "trust catch." 366 00:15:29,304 --> 00:15:31,723 Where's that guy who said everything I do is right? 367 00:15:31,723 --> 00:15:33,350 I liked him. 368 00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:34,768 We don't need Jake. 369 00:15:34,768 --> 00:15:36,811 We can deal with our problems like a family. 370 00:15:36,811 --> 00:15:38,480 So you want us to resent other 371 00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:41,024 but also share a cellphone plan? 372 00:15:41,024 --> 00:15:44,361 Gurgs, why does that creamer mean so much to you? 373 00:15:44,361 --> 00:15:46,696 I don't know. Maybe because when I was growing up, 374 00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:49,032 I never had anything that was all mine. 375 00:15:49,032 --> 00:15:51,159 Or maybe years of drinking toxic creamer 376 00:15:51,159 --> 00:15:53,578 just makes your brain weird. 377 00:15:53,578 --> 00:15:55,789 Either way, we are ready to help. 378 00:15:55,789 --> 00:15:58,124 Flobert? - Mm. Mm-hmm. 379 00:15:58,124 --> 00:16:00,377 What's he doing with that, Judge? 380 00:16:00,377 --> 00:16:02,212 You're scared of losing that creamer, 381 00:16:02,212 --> 00:16:04,381 so Flobert is gonna help you face that fear 382 00:16:04,381 --> 00:16:07,425 by drinking an entire carton right in front of you. 383 00:16:07,425 --> 00:16:10,720 It'll be tough to watch for all of us, but... 384 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:12,847 it might help one of us. 385 00:16:12,847 --> 00:16:14,974 It might kill one of us. 386 00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,768 Murray! That's poison! 387 00:16:16,768 --> 00:16:20,897 And your barbershop quartet just made regionals! 388 00:16:20,897 --> 00:16:22,649 Abby promised to sit through 389 00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:24,567 a three-hour Cleveland presentation. 390 00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:26,277 If I don't move those condos, 391 00:16:26,277 --> 00:16:29,406 my wife's never gonna let me back in that bed. 392 00:16:29,406 --> 00:16:32,534 Ah. Here we go! Whew. 393 00:16:34,786 --> 00:16:38,415 Ugh! Oh, I-I can't watch. He's not appreciating it! 394 00:16:38,415 --> 00:16:40,125 And there's no way he can taste the notmeg. 395 00:16:40,125 --> 00:16:43,378 Yes, I said "notmeg." Legally, that's what they gotta call it! 396 00:16:43,378 --> 00:16:46,423 Ohh! - Ugh. If this is what it takes 397 00:16:46,423 --> 00:16:47,924 to live with Gurgs, I'll just move back to my place. 398 00:16:47,924 --> 00:16:49,884 Fine. Then no more joint birthday party. 399 00:16:49,884 --> 00:16:52,012 It didn't make sense anyway. Mine's June, yours is December. 400 00:16:52,012 --> 00:16:54,723 Fine! Then I'll call your friend and tell her the party's off! 401 00:16:54,723 --> 00:16:57,600 Hey, friend? Yeah? The party's off! 402 00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,936 No, I will not let us drift apart! 403 00:16:59,936 --> 00:17:02,355 We are a family and we love each other! 404 00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:04,941 Can I stop drinking now? 405 00:17:04,941 --> 00:17:07,485 You're all getting real blurry. 406 00:17:07,485 --> 00:17:11,114 Not until we're friends again. That stupid Jake can't win! 407 00:17:11,114 --> 00:17:12,782 You hijacked my seminar? 408 00:17:20,498 --> 00:17:21,499 Before you start throwing blame around, 409 00:17:22,834 --> 00:17:24,627 I didn't know that Flobert was lactose-intolerant! 410 00:17:24,627 --> 00:17:27,422 You live, you learn. - What you did 411 00:17:27,422 --> 00:17:29,507 with those cuddlers was completely unprofessional. 412 00:17:29,507 --> 00:17:31,343 Sure, I felt like I was back in the womb 413 00:17:31,343 --> 00:17:33,053 and it gave me validation I never received from 414 00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:36,431 an emotionally distant father, but I have a job to do. 415 00:17:36,431 --> 00:17:37,849 So do I, but you're not letting me, 416 00:17:37,849 --> 00:17:39,601 and then I'm left to pick up the pieces 417 00:17:39,601 --> 00:17:41,561 while you're off to blow up another office. 418 00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:43,855 Most offices don't get blown up. 419 00:17:43,855 --> 00:17:46,191 It's usually just people tuning me out for 45 minutes, 420 00:17:46,191 --> 00:17:49,277 then I find a Quizno's and eat a toasted sandwich alone in my car. 421 00:17:49,277 --> 00:17:51,696 Why couldn't you just let me do my thing? 422 00:17:51,696 --> 00:17:53,531 Because my thing was working 423 00:17:53,531 --> 00:17:56,326 until you showed up with your "Smile and Decline." 424 00:17:56,326 --> 00:18:00,538 Hey! That technique saves hundreds of feelings every day. 425 00:18:00,538 --> 00:18:03,750 You know what your problem is? You see one way of doing things, 426 00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:06,836 and if anyone has the nerve to suggest anything else, 427 00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:08,254 it drives you crazy. 428 00:18:08,254 --> 00:18:09,506 Ugh. Well, you know what your problem is? 429 00:18:09,506 --> 00:18:10,924 You don't see people as people. 430 00:18:10,924 --> 00:18:12,676 You just see them as potential lawsuits. 431 00:18:12,676 --> 00:18:14,552 That's why you play everything too safe. 432 00:18:14,552 --> 00:18:16,179 Probably live your life the same way. 433 00:18:16,179 --> 00:18:18,682 I don't know what trails you're taking that dog hiking on, 434 00:18:18,682 --> 00:18:22,143 but I bet he can handle way harder ones! 435 00:18:22,143 --> 00:18:24,396 He is afraid of hawks, and he has every right to be. 436 00:18:24,396 --> 00:18:26,648 They are killing machines! 437 00:18:26,648 --> 00:18:29,567 Man, I can't believe I ever thought you were cute. 438 00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:31,903 I can't believe I thought of first-date spots for us. 439 00:18:31,903 --> 00:18:33,697 Well, I didn't know you did that. 440 00:18:33,697 --> 00:18:35,949 Well, I wish I hadn't, because you're the worst! 441 00:18:35,949 --> 00:18:37,283 You're the worst! 442 00:18:37,283 --> 00:18:40,036 - Consent to ravage you? - Consent given. 443 00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:48,086 We were just checking to see if we could leave, and, uh... 444 00:18:48,086 --> 00:18:50,839 Yeah. 445 00:18:50,839 --> 00:18:53,133 What's the deal? Can I go home or not?! 446 00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:54,968 Run, Dan. Run. 447 00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:58,304 Wait. What do you mean? Are-- Are they... 448 00:18:58,304 --> 00:19:01,516 - Yes, and it's evolving. - Ohh... 449 00:19:01,516 --> 00:19:04,019 Wyatt, I don't know what to say. 450 00:19:04,019 --> 00:19:05,812 I think you do. 451 00:19:08,982 --> 00:19:10,608 Thank you. 452 00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:18,533 You know, I think that was the first unprofessional thing 453 00:19:18,533 --> 00:19:19,993 I've ever done. - Well, don't worry. 454 00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:22,579 I won't report you to HR. - I think I'm coming around 455 00:19:22,579 --> 00:19:24,372 to the idea that work relationships 456 00:19:24,372 --> 00:19:26,458 don't need to be entirely professional. 457 00:19:26,458 --> 00:19:28,126 Well, full disclosure-- 458 00:19:28,126 --> 00:19:30,587 there may be some problems with my approach, too. 459 00:19:30,587 --> 00:19:32,547 I don't know. Making a man chug creamer 460 00:19:32,547 --> 00:19:34,799 seems like a pretty good team-building exercise. 461 00:19:34,799 --> 00:19:38,678 Okay. No one said chug. He could have sipped it. 462 00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:40,138 Well, you'll be happy to know 463 00:19:40,138 --> 00:19:42,724 that we have forms that address this situation. 464 00:19:42,724 --> 00:19:44,976 - We have a situation? - We had an incident. 465 00:19:44,976 --> 00:19:48,688 But if you sign here, then it's a situation. 466 00:19:51,107 --> 00:19:53,109 You're so good at filling out those forms. 467 00:19:53,109 --> 00:19:55,987 Let's get out of here. I can fill these out on the way. 468 00:19:55,987 --> 00:19:57,405 Let's go. 469 00:19:59,324 --> 00:20:02,410 [ Didgeridoo playing] 470 00:20:02,410 --> 00:20:03,745 - Hey-- Ugh. - Aww! 471 00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:06,247 - Aww! Heh heh! - Aww! 472 00:20:06,247 --> 00:20:07,874 What are they watching? 473 00:20:07,874 --> 00:20:10,543 Videos of koalas jumping into peoples' arms. 474 00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:13,004 Apparently, that's exactly how you and blondie 475 00:20:13,004 --> 00:20:14,422 slammed together. 476 00:20:16,091 --> 00:20:18,093 - Yeah, we did. - Yeah... 477 00:20:18,093 --> 00:20:20,470 Anyway, uh, now that they're all warmed up, 478 00:20:20,470 --> 00:20:22,514 I'm gonna go get my presentation materials 479 00:20:22,514 --> 00:20:25,100 so I can give them the full Cleveland. 480 00:20:25,100 --> 00:20:26,518 Here's a taste-- 481 00:20:26,518 --> 00:20:28,853 "The lake is anything but Erie." 482 00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:31,064 Huh? Ha ha, yeah! 483 00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:34,943 Everyone's really getting along. 484 00:20:34,943 --> 00:20:38,697 It's at my expense and I'm humiliated, but it's worth it. 485 00:20:38,697 --> 00:20:40,448 Yeah, nothing brings a family together 486 00:20:40,448 --> 00:20:42,784 like watching their weird aunt make out with the stranger 487 00:20:42,784 --> 00:20:45,995 they didn't know she was going to invite to Thanksgiving. 488 00:20:45,995 --> 00:20:48,289 You should see what we have planned for Christmas. 489 00:20:48,289 --> 00:20:50,500 - Ugh! - Ugh! 490 00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:52,419 Want a splash of the good stuff? 491 00:20:52,419 --> 00:20:54,546 {\an8}Aww. That's mighty generous of you. 492 00:20:54,546 --> 00:20:56,548 {\an8}I've got plenty now, thanks to Olivia. 493 00:20:56,548 --> 00:20:58,258 {\an8}Oh, I can't take all the credit. 494 00:20:58,258 --> 00:21:00,427 {\an8}[Chuckles] Or any of it. 495 00:21:00,427 --> 00:21:01,886 {\an8}My friend works at the FDA, 496 00:21:01,886 --> 00:21:03,680 {\an8}and they've been stockpiling it for research. 497 00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:05,557 {\an8}So far, it hasn't killed any mice... 498 00:21:05,557 --> 00:21:09,394 {\an8}though it did make a few age in reverse. 499 00:21:09,394 --> 00:21:10,854 {\an8}Flobert drank a whole bottle, 500 00:21:10,854 --> 00:21:14,149 {\an8}and it's not like he turned into a kid or something. 501 00:21:14,149 --> 00:21:15,608 {\an8}Okay, everybody! 502 00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:18,153 {\an8}Who's ready to hear about Cleveland? 503 00:21:19,696 --> 00:21:22,449 {\an8}I can't afford to get any shorter. 504 00:21:22,449 --> 00:21:24,868 {\an8}Oh. I see you all met my nephew. 505 00:21:24,868 --> 00:21:26,995 {\an8}He knows how to work the VCR. 506 00:21:28,163 --> 00:21:30,165 {\an8}♪ 507 00:21:30,165 --> 00:21:32,000 {\an8}It's funny!