The law clearly stipulates that no person
shall withhold payment for services rendered.
Agreed, but when a haircut is this bad...
...hasn't he already paid enough?
Not guilty, but I will recommend house arrest
for three to four weeks-- and a really big hat.
I feel your pain. One time, I asked for "the Rachel."
Now I know to specify "Maddow."
Oh, so that's our last case of the night?
Yep! Another early one, all thanks to Wyatt.
Yeah, I learned from my DJ days
it's all about the setlist.
You set the tone with animal cases up top,
get things moving with the drunk and disorderlies,
and then we build to the drop--
muggings, muggings, muggings, muggings,
muggings, muggings, muggings!
Ah-ah-ah! Sex in public!
Where my pervs at?!
Gurgs, what do you think?
Go straight home to your place or take the scenic route again?
- Hmm. - 3:00 a.m., New York City.
That's more of the... crime scenic route, right?
By "scenic," she means "Sea Nick's",
New York's only underwater-themed
male strip club.
All the dancers are named Nick.
Ugh.
They'll hire you if your name isn't Nick.
Uh, so I've heard.
So you two are living together? - I'm staying with Gurgs
because there was a murder in my building.
You would not believe what a true-crime podcaster
is paying to sublet my place.
[Laughing] I am cleaning up!
Which the killer also did,
because they have found no clues.
Them living together was my idea.
They're like Bert and Ernie except without
the palpable sexual tension.
Speaking of, Judge, there's a cutie in the gallery
who's been checking you out all night.
- Really? You sure? - Definitely.
And it really stands out because most people
don't pay you any attention at all.
Last night, I counted zero.
I mean, you would think that, even accidentally,
someone would glance-- - Okay, yeah, yeah, fine.
I get it. I'm gonna go talk to him.
I just have to... come up with the perfect line.
Come on, brain. Come on, brain.
Ah! Got it.
Fun fact-- did you know
the most common crime of passion is murder?
Hi. I'm Abby.
Fun fact-- the term "Fun Fact"
was first used in a 1970s newspaper ad for Wrigley's gum.
Is it even worth saying my name after that?
It's-- It's Jake.
Is this how most conversations start?
It's probably how a lot of them end.
I haven't seen you around here, which is a good thing
'cause it means you're not a criminal.
Well, get ready to see a little bit more of me tomorrow.
Wow. Blond guys are easy.
Unfortunately, tomorrow, I have this stupid
"Sensitivity and Respect in the Workplace" seminar.
Unless you want to come to that. Nah. That'd be weird.
It'll be weirder if I don't come. I'm running it.
That should have been your fun fact.
But I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
I run a pretty sensitive and respectful courtroom.
Yeah, I gotta say-- for an underwater strip club,
Sea Nick's has a top-notch website.
Come on. That thing would sink.
♪
Flobert? You're coming to our sensitivity training?
Yes. And with that tone, seems like you need it.
- There he is. Satur-Dan! - Ugh.
You're happy to be here on a Saturday, huh?
You don't have that part of your brain that tells you
when things are bad?!
I know this seminar isn't your idea of a good time,
but maybe please be nice? - Nice?
That ship has sailed, sunk, and hasn't been found in 30 years.
Why do you care how I act, anyway?
Happy Saturday.
Not if I see you first!
I get it. You like that guy.
Shut up. No, I don't. Do you think he likes me?
Also, do you think he likes brunch?
Because I made reservations hoping we finish early.
Oh, good. So we want the same thing.
To go splitsies on eggs Benedict
and chocolate-chip pancakes, get a little sweet, a little salty?
No. For this to be over quickly.
But you know what? Yeah, I'll go splitsies on the seminar.
I know. No one wants to be here on a Saturday.
Personally, I'd rather be hiking.
And would you be doing that with a wife or a girlfriend...
or just you in your doorless Jeep
with a German Shepherd rescue who wears a bandana?
It's a good idea you bring this up
before the sexual-harassment part of the seminar.
Dan, some of us would like to know if they find Nemo.
Okay. You hold it, then.
I promise this will be quick.
We just need to get through... this.
[ Thud ]
I'm kidding. Can you imagine? - [ Laughs ]
'Cause it's so much bigger than a regular binder!
I know she doesn't want to die alone, but come on.
Let's start with a hypothetical.
You're hanging out with two co-workers
when they get into an argument and one of them leaves crying.
What do you do? - Great question, Jake.
When I see an upset co-worker,
I follow a triage method based on warmth.
First level is warm words. Next is a warm hug.
Code red is warm cookies. Those hug you from the inside.
[Hushed] This is why no one looks at you.
Sorry, Mister "Name Tags Are Stupid."
You'd handle this differently?
First of all, I wouldn't be "hanging out"
with any co-workers, and if I found myself
in that situation, I would fake a heart attack.
And when they ask me the next day if I was feeling better,
instead of answering, I would fake another heart attack.
Actually, boundaries are important.
That is a perfect answer. - Ah. That's fun.
Two people can be right on the same hypothetical.
No. Yours was wrong.
Ooh! He liked mine better, yours not at all.
We find when employees keep their work
and personal lives separate,
it makes for a more productive workplace.
Well, here, we like to blend the personal and work.
You can call it "wersonal"
or you can call it "pork."
Both are equally bad.
The important thing is,
we all feel valued and appreciated.
[ Snorts ]
Oh, I thought that snort was in my head.
Wyatt, is there something you'd like to say?
It's just a snort. There doesn't have to be something behind it.
Well, in my line of work, when you hear a snort,
there's a story to report.
There's no way that's a saying.
No, it is. I saw it on a mug.
As someone who's winning at sensitivity,
I think it's important to hear what he has to say.
Okay.
It bothers me that you never say "thank you."
Ooh!
I thought we all were gonna make that noise.
I just don't think it's too much to expect a grown man
to say "thank you."
Ooh!
We're really not on the same page here.
Dan, how do you feel about Wyatt's comment?
It's fine. My co-worker feels strongly,
and I will do everything in my power
to demonstrate my gratitude.
I will...
kill him with kindness.
See? Totally resolved.
Maybe we should get back to those fun hypotheticals.
I have a hypothetical that's real.
There's a certain co-worker who I let live with me
who drank all my favorite coffee creamer!
You told me to make myself at home.
That's just something people say. You're not supposed to do it!
I'm sorry. You two are living together?
Oh, yeah. It was, uh-- Wait, wait,
it was somebody's idea, somebody in this room,
a judge, but...
- [ Fingers snap ] - ...which one?
- Ooh! - Ooh! - Ooh!
And now we work as a team?
Wow. There is a lot going on here.
This is gonna take longer than I thought.
Okay, well, if you had any plans today,
I would cancel them-- now.
- [ Screams ] - Gah!
I-I am so sorry.
I-I did not know there was going to be a shark.
♪
Jake? Didn't expect to see you here.
I-I thought sensitivity training was a one-time thing.
Well, when my supervisor asked how it went, I snorted.
Oh, when you snort, you have to write a report!
Yep. On the day I was supposed to go hiking with my dog.
And I just had the doors taken off my Jeep.
Listen. Everything's fine.
I mean, sure, we weren't great on Saturday,
but some of us were hungry for chocolate-chip pancakes.
I get it. If you want some pointers,
I am the guy that invented "Smile and Decline."
It's an HR-approved way to avoid uncomfortable situations.
Invite me to do something.
How would you like to purchase a timeshare in Cleveland?
It's the nation's largest hub for yellow wallpaper.
This is not a hypothetical.
You'll come around. They all come around.
Your Honor, we're ready to go.
Get ready to watch us "pork."
Please don't write that down.
Uh, Wyatt, before we begin, I just wanted to say
that I took to heart what you said the other day,
and I've learned to show my appreciation in 135 languages.
French-- merci beaucoup.
Samoan-- fa'afetai.
Elvish-- guren glassui.
Elvis-ish--
[As Elvis Presley] Thank you. Thank you very much.
- I see what you're doing. - I also got you this card.
-[Dan as Elvis] Thank you. Thank you very much.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
What a heartwarming display.
Another issue resolved in Abby Stone's court.
Wyatt, case?
The People vs. Arthur and Layla Doyle.
They are charged with unwanted touching.
Your Honor, this is a mistake.
My clients were merely promoting their small business
by providing free samples.
And what is their business?
They are professional cuddlers.
There's a workplace you could really write a report on.
Well, we have the police report,
where 19 rush-hour commuters describe them
as "gropers," "fondlers," "ticklers,"
and, according to one woman, "handy dandies."
Your Honor, these plucky entrepreneurs should be able
to promote their product without being labeled freaks.
Sounds like someone wants a sample.
Whoa! Back off, freaks.
Your Honor, we ask that you let our HR department
decide our fate.
They know us better than we know ourselves.
Alright. We get it. Case dismissed.
I'll take a sample.
Ohh! Heh. That'll get you there. [ Chuckles ]
Your Honor, we have one more small piece of business
before we go on to the next case.
"Sarcastic" in C.
[ Pitch-pipe blows ]
♪ Bohm-bohm-bohm ♪
♪ Thank you, Wyatt, for breathing ♪
♪ Thanks for being alive ♪
♪ Thank you for blinking and eating food ♪
♪ Without a "thank you," it would be so rude ♪
♪ So it's thanks for taking up space and ♪
♪ Thanks for being awake ♪
♪ One last thing you should know ♪
♪ Is that all these "thanks" are fake ♪
♪ They're not real ♪
♪ Mmm ♪
What the hell was that?
Can't you just give Wyatt a real "thank you"?
He does so much for us!
His shelf-reaching alone is next-level.
People thank each other entirely too much.
We're expected to be grateful for nothing.
You handed me a coffee. Here's a dollar.
Thanks for doing your job.
Oh, you held the elevator. Gee. Thanks.
Now I get to breathe air that was recently in your body.
"Thank yous" should be earned. That's the world I'm creating.
No "thank you" is necessary. You're welcome.
I've always wanted to be the inspiration for a rant.
Thank you.
That's how it sounds!
Why can't you two be more like Olivia and Gurgs?
They sorted out their differences.
Well, I don't know. There weren't really differences.
I just bought more creamer.
She's being modest. She had to go to Staten Island.
Most stores don't carry it
because the ingredients aren't considered legal.
It's the only creamer produced
entirely in international waters.
Actually, Flobert got it.
He was going to Staten Island to visit his adopted highway.
Don't tell the highway. It doesn't know it's adopted.
You told Flobert? Now the word's gonna get out.
It'll be impossible to get. - That man is an influencer.
You know, he is single-handedly responsible
for the revitalization of Cleveland's wallpaper district.
Great. Now all I'll be able to get
are those gross seasonal flavors.
I don't care if it is Cinco de Mayo--
no one wants their coffee tasting like guacamole!
What's happened to us?!
Jake has us turning on each other
when I should be turning him on!
Picture yourself in a luxury condo
with a view of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame's...
parking lot.
Jake, I need to speak with you.
Good. Talk it over with the wife.
I'll be standing right over there.
You know, ever since you got here, everyone's been on edge.
Interesting. And that's my fault?
Because it wasn't my idea
to have your prosecutor move in with your bailiff.
Well, before this whole creamer thing,
they were having a lot of fun objectifying men together.
Also, is it true that you locked your staff in your office
and made them tell you their personal secrets?
- Not this week. - Did I also hear
that you tagged along on a co-worker's date?
Only because Dan wanted to have sex with a woman
who was going to kill him!
That's got to be a loophole!
I understand this would be frowned upon in some workplaces,
but here we're a family.
Except you're not. It's work.
Are you telling me how to run my courtroom?
Well, it's kind of my job. Look, I'm starting to think
you're a little too close to all this.
I think the best thing to do is to have another meeting.
I don't think us having another meeting is a good idea.
I completely agree. You shouldn't be involved.
So you're having an HR meeting about me?
I'm reporting that. It makes me uncomfortable.
I couldn't help but notice
there's a little trouble in paradise.
You know, Cleveland is a great town to be newly divorced in.
♪
Really, Dan? A "thank you" flash mob?!
When is this going to end?!
When you've experienced the full force
and fury of my gratitude.
I was in an elevator! 20 people started dancing around.
I thought I was gonna die!
What are you waiting for, gossip girl?
Why aren't you telling all this to Flobert?
Well, at least Flobert doesn't use my deodorant.
My wife and I share deodorant.
We share everything-- except the bed.
- Where the hell is this HR guy? - Sorry I'm late.
Ah. Jake's not here? Who calls a meeting and doesn't show?
It's so unprofessional. - Maybe he bailed because
he only likes me and he heard the rest of you
insensitive losers were gonna be here.
Totally. In the meantime, though,
maybe we talk through some stuff
just to kill some time until Jake can break away
from whatever it is that's keeping him?
I really have to be somewhere.
You were gifted an hour-long throuple cuddle.
That's what you're getting. - Ugh!
18, 19, 20.
Okay! Now, how do you feel?
Kind of like I wasted 20 seconds.
20 seconds of eye contact
is supposed to help you feel more connected.
Then shouldn't I be doing it with Dan?
It's important to create unity throughout the entire team.
And Dan refused to participate.
I wish I had refused to do that trust fall with Flobert.
If I was supposed to catch you,
it should be called a "trust catch."
Where's that guy who said everything I do is right?
I liked him.
We don't need Jake.
We can deal with our problems like a family.
So you want us to resent other
but also share a cellphone plan?
Gurgs, why does that creamer mean so much to you?
I don't know. Maybe because when I was growing up,
I never had anything that was all mine.
Or maybe years of drinking toxic creamer
just makes your brain weird.
Either way, we are ready to help.
Flobert? - Mm. Mm-hmm.
What's he doing with that, Judge?
You're scared of losing that creamer,
so Flobert is gonna help you face that fear
by drinking an entire carton right in front of you.
It'll be tough to watch for all of us, but...
it might help one of us.
It might kill one of us.
Murray! That's poison!
And your barbershop quartet just made regionals!
Abby promised to sit through
a three-hour Cleveland presentation.
If I don't move those condos,
my wife's never gonna let me back in that bed.
Ah. Here we go! Whew.
Ugh! Oh, I-I can't watch. He's not appreciating it!
And there's no way he can taste the notmeg.
Yes, I said "notmeg." Legally, that's what they gotta call it!
Ohh! - Ugh. If this is what it takes
to live with Gurgs, I'll just move back to my place.
Fine. Then no more joint birthday party.
It didn't make sense anyway. Mine's June, yours is December.
Fine! Then I'll call your friend and tell her the party's off!
Hey, friend? Yeah? The party's off!
No, I will not let us drift apart!
We are a family and we love each other!
Can I stop drinking now?
You're all getting real blurry.
Not until we're friends again. That stupid Jake can't win!
You hijacked my seminar?
Before you start throwing blame around,
I didn't know that Flobert was lactose-intolerant!
You live, you learn. - What you did
with those cuddlers was completely unprofessional.
Sure, I felt like I was back in the womb
and it gave me validation I never received from
an emotionally distant father, but I have a job to do.
So do I, but you're not letting me,
and then I'm left to pick up the pieces
while you're off to blow up another office.
Most offices don't get blown up.
It's usually just people tuning me out for 45 minutes,
then I find a Quizno's and eat a toasted sandwich alone in my car.
Why couldn't you just let me do my thing?
Because my thing was working
until you showed up with your "Smile and Decline."
Hey! That technique saves hundreds of feelings every day.
You know what your problem is? You see one way of doing things,
and if anyone has the nerve to suggest anything else,
it drives you crazy.
Ugh. Well, you know what your problem is?
You don't see people as people.
You just see them as potential lawsuits.
That's why you play everything too safe.
Probably live your life the same way.
I don't know what trails you're taking that dog hiking on,
but I bet he can handle way harder ones!
He is afraid of hawks, and he has every right to be.
They are killing machines!
Man, I can't believe I ever thought you were cute.
I can't believe I thought of first-date spots for us.
Well, I didn't know you did that.
Well, I wish I hadn't, because you're the worst!
You're the worst!
- Consent to ravage you? - Consent given.
We were just checking to see if we could leave, and, uh...
Yeah.
What's the deal? Can I go home or not?!
Run, Dan. Run.
Wait. What do you mean? Are-- Are they...
- Yes, and it's evolving. - Ohh...
Wyatt, I don't know what to say.
I think you do.
Thank you.
You know, I think that was the first unprofessional thing
I've ever done. - Well, don't worry.
I won't report you to HR. - I think I'm coming around
to the idea that work relationships
don't need to be entirely professional.
Well, full disclosure--
there may be some problems with my approach, too.
I don't know. Making a man chug creamer
seems like a pretty good team-building exercise.
Okay. No one said chug. He could have sipped it.
Well, you'll be happy to know
that we have forms that address this situation.
- We have a situation? - We had an incident.
But if you sign here, then it's a situation.
You're so good at filling out those forms.
Let's get out of here. I can fill these out on the way.
Let's go.
[ Didgeridoo playing]
- Hey-- Ugh. - Aww!
- Aww! Heh heh! - Aww!
What are they watching?
Videos of koalas jumping into peoples' arms.
Apparently, that's exactly how you and blondie
slammed together.
- Yeah, we did. - Yeah...
Anyway, uh, now that they're all warmed up,
I'm gonna go get my presentation materials
so I can give them the full Cleveland.
Here's a taste--
"The lake is anything but Erie."
Huh? Ha ha, yeah!
Everyone's really getting along.
It's at my expense and I'm humiliated, but it's worth it.
Yeah, nothing brings a family together
like watching their weird aunt make out with the stranger
they didn't know she was going to invite to Thanksgiving.
You should see what we have planned for Christmas.
- Ugh! - Ugh!
Want a splash of the good stuff?
Aww. That's mighty generous of you.
I've got plenty now, thanks to Olivia.
Oh, I can't take all the credit.
[Chuckles] Or any of it.
My friend works at the FDA,
and they've been stockpiling it for research.
So far, it hasn't killed any mice...
though it did make a few age in reverse.
Flobert drank a whole bottle,
and it's not like he turned into a kid or something.
Okay, everybody!
Who's ready to hear about Cleveland?
I can't afford to get any shorter.
Oh. I see you all met my nephew.
He knows how to work the VCR.
♪
It's funny!