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00:00:05,714 --> 00:00:08,216
Tell me you guys watched
last night's episode
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00:00:08,216 --> 00:00:10,677
of "Real Housewives:
Ultimate Girls Trip."
3
00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:13,096
It was incredible.
Three of them realized
4
00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:16,057
they slept with
the same plastic surgeon.
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Yeah, I stopped watching
after they trashed
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00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:19,227
that Thai monastery.
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First time a monk talks
in a thousand years,
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and he yells, "Bitches!"
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Oh, television.
10
00:00:25,525 --> 00:00:29,237
At least radio had the dignity
to just die!
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Mind if I put these here?
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Something wrong? Oh.
13
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Did you let that guy outside
take a picture of your feet?
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I don't care what he says.
15
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There is no such thing
as a foot talent scout.
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I don't know. He's the reason
why my feet are famous in Japan.
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I just found out
my doorman died.
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- Oh, no.
- I'll never forget
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00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:56,306
the last thing Angel said to me.
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00:00:56,306 --> 00:00:59,476
"You think CC Sabathia
ends up in Cooperstown?"
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Pure gibberish.
Should have known he was dying.
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Wow.
I don't know what to say
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00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:08,276
other than...
I'm sorry you're sad.
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Back in a jiff.
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Oh, drama detected.
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00:01:13,406 --> 00:01:15,575
That phony
"I'm sorry you're sad"
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was classic "Housewives"
insincerity.
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Not what I expected
from Time Out New York's
29
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Most Huggable Judge.
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Oh, I will hug
the hell out of someone
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when they're not lying
to my huggable face!
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Ohh! Whoa.
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Why do you keep dropping bombs
and walking away?
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She's not upset
her doorman died
35
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because that guy
wasn't her doorman.
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[ Gasps ]
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Wh-a-a-a-at?
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That's...
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I don't exactly know
what that is.
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She bribed him so she could
have her mail sent
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to a fancy building
and people would be impressed.
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00:01:47,232 --> 00:01:48,650
She's not sad
that poor man died.
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00:01:48,650 --> 00:01:52,028
She's sad she lost
her fake address.
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That's a pathological
insecurity
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rarely seen in real life.
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I'm in the show!
47
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Only this isn't a reality show.
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If it was, I'd have a tagline,
something like...
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"Watch out because
I'm judge, jury, and...
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00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,671
sex-ecutioner."
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You're right.
This isn't a show.
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{\an8}♪
53
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{\an8}In light of the circumstances,
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{\an8}it would be beneficial
to get the facts of the case
55
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{\an8}from the defendant himself.
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{\an8}You really want this boob
to do his thing?
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{\an8}Quiet, Dan.
The show's starting.
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{\an8}Ooh, you're sad?
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00:02:35,864 --> 00:02:38,408
{\an8}Because you did a bad thing.
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{\an8}What could you
possibly be typing?
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00:02:44,456 --> 00:02:47,584
{\an8}A-And you throw yourself
at the mercy of the court!
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{\an8}Objection!
He's charged with murder.
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{\an8}That does make this less fun.
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{\an8}I'll let a jury decide
what happens to you.
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{\an8}For now,
time to go back in a box.
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00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:04,642
{\an8}Bright side-- no one can
accuse you of being a snitch.
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00:03:04,642 --> 00:03:07,604
{\an8}- Hey. How ya holding up?
- It's a lot.
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00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:09,397
{\an8}It's not every day
your doorman dies.
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00:03:09,397 --> 00:03:11,733
{\an8}Or any day for some of us.
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{\an8}I want to send you
some comfort food.
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00:03:13,818 --> 00:03:16,780
{\an8}How about some bad lie?
I mean, pad Thai.
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00:03:17,739 --> 00:03:19,574
{\an8}Still at 280 Central Park West?
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00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:22,410
{\an8}Deliveries are just tough
for me right now.
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{\an8}Maybe Venmo me the $75.
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{\an8}The people versus Sy Hoffman.
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{\an8}Wait. The Sy Hoffman?
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{\an8}Hey! Excuse me! Necktie!
Can we run that again?
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00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,837
{\an8}Only this time,
I'd like it to be...
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{\an8}"And now presenting three-time
Tony nominee Sy Hoffman!"
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00:03:36,508 --> 00:03:38,051
{\an8}It's like "Sir" or "Doctor."
81
00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:40,220
{\an8}It's, uh-- It's a legal term.
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{\an8}In case you couldn't tell,
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00:03:41,638 --> 00:03:43,556
{\an8}the defendant
is a Broadway producer.
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{\an8}Who I refuse to defend
on the grounds of I hate him.
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00:03:49,604 --> 00:03:51,523
{\an8}Counselor,
if you refuse to represent
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00:03:51,523 --> 00:03:54,150
{\an8}every client you hated,
you'd never work.
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00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:56,528
{\an8}That's the dream.
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00:03:56,528 --> 00:03:59,114
{\an8}Judge, I know addressing
the defendant is frowned upon,
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00:03:59,114 --> 00:04:00,407
{\an8}but could I--
- Go ahead.
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{\an8}Dan's quitting.
You're interrupting.
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00:04:02,158 --> 00:04:05,078
{\an8}Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
92
00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:06,788
{\an8}Mr. Hoffman, I'm a huge fan.
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00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:09,416
{\an8}I fell in love with the theater
after seeing your production of
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00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:13,795
{\an8}"Please Get Sick:
An Understudy's Story."
95
00:04:13,795 --> 00:04:16,506
{\an8}And I'll just say you're even
more handsome in person. Heh!
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00:04:16,506 --> 00:04:18,925
{\an8}The bailiff rests.
97
00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:20,010
{\an8}Thank you, Gurgs.
98
00:04:20,010 --> 00:04:21,553
{\an8}Dan, what's your problem
with the guy?
99
00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:23,221
{\an8}It's the same old story,
Your Honor.
100
00:04:23,221 --> 00:04:26,599
This hot pair of legs comes
waltzing into the rehearsal hall
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00:04:26,599 --> 00:04:27,892
with nothing but doe eyes,
102
00:04:27,892 --> 00:04:29,811
a pair of tap shoes,
and a dream.
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00:04:29,811 --> 00:04:32,313
Well, it takes a lot more
to make it in this town
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than that, bucko!
105
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That's not what happened!
106
00:04:36,818 --> 00:04:40,488
I invested $5,000
in one of his flops--
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00:04:40,488 --> 00:04:42,282
"Camouflage: The Musical."
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He swore it would be a hit.
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00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:45,785
The camouflage was so good,
110
00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:49,289
you couldn't even see anybody
that was on the stage!
111
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Very well.
Court will adjourn until
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00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:52,959
another attorney is available.
113
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The search begins
in ah-five, six, seven, eight!
114
00:04:56,212 --> 00:04:59,758
Well, anyone would be better
than this washed-up hoofer.
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You are remembering
our relationship incorrectly.
116
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I don't dance!
117
00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:07,390
[ Laughter ]
118
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You wanted to see me?
119
00:05:12,729 --> 00:05:15,357
And I assume take me
on a magic-carpet ride?
120
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I know you're
going through something,
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so I've created a space to heal,
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feel, and get totally real.
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Welcome to my grief nest.
124
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Oh. No, no, no. This--
This isn't necessary.
125
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Ooh! Are these chocolates?!
126
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One for each stage of grief.
127
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The dark represents
the dark place you're in.
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The white is for anger--
because it's disgusting.
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Ohh.
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00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:38,505
- There you go. You warm?
- Mm-hmm.
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- You cozy?
- Mm.
132
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Good. 'Cause I know Angel
wasn't your doorman!
133
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What?! This isn't a grief nest!
It's a-- It's a cozy trap!
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Ow.
135
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How did you know?
136
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I dropped by your place
that time you called in sick
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to bring you pretzels
and Skittles.
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I don't do soup.
Who wants to eat something
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a chicken took a bath in?
140
00:05:58,733 --> 00:06:01,528
But hold on. You sent me that
vintage armoire for my birthday.
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00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:03,029
You made me FaceTime you
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while I wrangled it
into the service elevator.
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You didn't bat an eye.
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You just did it. That's bonkers!
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Well, I guess it doesn't matter
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00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:11,538
'cause pretty soon
everyone will know the truth--
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that I live in the Little Queens
section of Staten Island
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and have to take a barge
to a kayak
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to a ferry to get to work.
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I can't believe
you're this upset
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about losing a fake address.
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Hey! I invested a lot of time
in that guy!
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I had to bring him a doughnut
every week,
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and then I had to get
gluten-free
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when we found out he was celiac.
156
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:30,932
Ohh! And then he was up to two
doughnuts during the divorce.
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And now he's gone.
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00:06:33,768 --> 00:06:36,563
And where does that leave
my packages?
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Wait a second. Was I wrong?
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Is it possible that,
despite your best efforts,
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00:06:42,694 --> 00:06:45,905
you formed a real relationship
with Angel?
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Is this the longest relationship
you've ever had?
163
00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:50,660
I've had longer.
164
00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:52,078
There's a shadowy figure
called the Puppet Man
165
00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:54,914
who's been visiting my dreams
since I was 12.
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00:06:54,914 --> 00:06:56,541
What does Angel say
about the Puppet Man?
167
00:06:56,541 --> 00:06:59,919
Oh, he had some theories.
It never came up.
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00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:03,590
Olivia. Angel didn't just
accept your packages.
169
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:06,760
He accepted you.
This is a real loss.
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00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,179
You should go to his funeral.
- Just stop it!
171
00:07:09,179 --> 00:07:11,890
The only thing I lost today
was a bougie address.
172
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{\an8}Just know I'm storming out,
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00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,727
{\an8}but it's hard
because of the pillows!
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Blech! White chocolate! Anger!
175
00:07:28,656 --> 00:07:31,534
You're very sweet to remember
my glory days.
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00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:33,453
Past couple of decades
have been rough.
177
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:34,996
My picker's been off.
178
00:07:34,996 --> 00:07:38,541
I put all my savings
into a musical "Mister Saigon."
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00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:40,377
It's about my dry cleaner,
Teddy Saigon.
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00:07:40,377 --> 00:07:41,795
Hm.
181
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:43,880
The idea to offer
actual dry cleaning
182
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:46,174
during the show was inspired,
183
00:07:46,174 --> 00:07:48,468
though there was one stain
that they couldn't--
184
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:51,221
Hey, hey. No refunds!
185
00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:53,973
Hey, Sy! About ready
for your big finish?
186
00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:56,893
Oh! Have you met Mitzi,
your new public defender?
187
00:07:56,893 --> 00:07:58,770
Hi. I'm Mitzi. Sorry I'm late.
188
00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:00,522
I couldn't get a babysitter.
They're not my kids.
189
00:08:00,522 --> 00:08:02,941
I'm their babysitter.
190
00:08:02,941 --> 00:08:05,735
FYI, if my phone rings
and it's Mike Todwell,
191
00:08:05,735 --> 00:08:08,238
I have to answer it
'cause I heard he likes me.
192
00:08:09,572 --> 00:08:11,908
Can you believe
this is her first case?
193
00:08:11,908 --> 00:08:13,618
That's who they cast
as my lawyer?
194
00:08:13,618 --> 00:08:16,037
I may have made a few calls.
195
00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:18,081
Come on, Dan.
Can't you represent him?
196
00:08:18,081 --> 00:08:19,958
I mean,
you represented that mime,
197
00:08:19,958 --> 00:08:22,544
and he strangled someone
with invisible rope.
198
00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:24,212
Yes, of course.
199
00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:27,549
I'll represent Sy--
for the $5,000 he owes me.
200
00:08:27,549 --> 00:08:29,509
I don't have it.
That's why I got arrested
201
00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:31,428
for selling fake memorabilia
in the first place!
202
00:08:31,428 --> 00:08:32,887
I thought it was
a weapons charge.
203
00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:35,390
No, they were fake dueling
pistols from "Hamilton,"
204
00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:40,645
Also known as real guns that
I sold on the subway platform.
205
00:08:40,645 --> 00:08:42,355
Boy. That sounds like
a tough one.
206
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:44,232
But I'm sure
she can get you out of it.
207
00:08:44,232 --> 00:08:46,985
Shut your old mouths.
It's Mike Todwell!
208
00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:50,697
Let me know if you want me
to get you that, uh,
209
00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:52,866
invisible rope, huh?
210
00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:01,708
Hey, Wyatt.
Have you seen Olivia?
211
00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:03,001
I set up a real grief nest.
212
00:09:03,001 --> 00:09:04,627
The difference? Bigger candles.
213
00:09:04,627 --> 00:09:06,921
Got a lilac one
the size of your leg.
214
00:09:06,921 --> 00:09:08,965
I think I heard
she said she was going
215
00:09:08,965 --> 00:09:10,842
to that doorman's funeral.
- Oh.
216
00:09:10,842 --> 00:09:12,927
Would you look at that?
She took my advice.
217
00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:15,889
I feel like one
of the "Queer Eye" guys.
218
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:18,350
Ohh.
Does Karamo usually recommend
219
00:09:18,350 --> 00:09:22,812
crashing a funeral to harass
doormen for a fake address?
220
00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:25,023
That sounds like
more of an Antoni thing.
221
00:09:25,023 --> 00:09:27,442
Wait. Is that why she's going?
- Oh, yeah.
222
00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:29,986
She realized there were gonna
be a bunch of doormen there,
223
00:09:29,986 --> 00:09:32,906
so she went to find a living one
to run her scam with.
224
00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:34,866
So it's not because
I tapped into something
225
00:09:34,866 --> 00:09:37,786
deep within her soul
and encouraged her to
achieve emotional catharsis?
226
00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:41,039
She actually went out of her
way to say it was not that.
227
00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:43,166
This is bad.
I got to go stop her.
228
00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:45,001
Hell yeah, you do.
And I have to go with you
229
00:09:45,001 --> 00:09:46,795
to watch what happens... live.
230
00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:50,340
I mean, to support you...
live.
231
00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:56,012
[ Exhales sharply ]
232
00:09:57,347 --> 00:10:00,058
[ Vocalizing scale ]
233
00:10:00,058 --> 00:10:04,145
I know that sound anywhere.
Singing!
234
00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:05,146
Oh!
235
00:10:05,146 --> 00:10:06,648
That's just something I do--
236
00:10:06,648 --> 00:10:08,108
pass the time
with perfect pitch.
237
00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:11,945
I also do some
foot modeling overseas.
238
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:14,364
Oh, Sy. Gah. Bad news.
239
00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:16,825
Mitzi bailed when somebody
double-dared her
240
00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:18,368
to go to Mike Todwell's house.
241
00:10:18,368 --> 00:10:20,453
Guess who double-dared her.
242
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:22,914
Oh, come on, Fielding.
You got to get me out of here.
243
00:10:22,914 --> 00:10:24,541
Jail is nothing like "Chicago."
244
00:10:24,541 --> 00:10:29,462
I haven't seen a single girl
in fishnets doing jazz hands!
245
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:33,842
I know you hate him,
but, Dan, do it for me.
246
00:10:33,842 --> 00:10:36,094
In high school,
the other theater geeks and I
247
00:10:36,094 --> 00:10:37,971
used to pretend
to audition for him.
248
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:41,891
We loved Sy-- the way
you love Lincoln or Washington
249
00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:43,977
or whatever dumb president
you care about.
250
00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:48,273
His name was LBJ, and he was
given an impossible task!
251
00:10:48,273 --> 00:10:50,025
Wait. Idea.
252
00:10:50,025 --> 00:10:52,819
You've always wanted
to sing for me.
253
00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:54,946
I've always wanted
to not go to prison.
254
00:10:54,946 --> 00:10:57,615
If Stretch here
can represent me,
255
00:10:57,615 --> 00:10:59,034
I'll listen to you perform.
256
00:10:59,034 --> 00:11:02,162
But he has to agree
in the next three seconds.
257
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:04,080
Three, two, one!
258
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,374
Alright. I was bluffing.
In the next 20 seconds.
259
00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:08,043
- 20 seconds, Dan!
- Ugh. Gurgs, you know,
260
00:11:08,043 --> 00:11:09,878
there are two things
I hate most in the world--
261
00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:11,379
helping people and losing money.
262
00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:14,090
This does both!
263
00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:16,092
Fine.
It's just my lifelong dream.
264
00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:18,678
But if doing your job
is too much to ask...
265
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:19,721
Four and a half...
266
00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:22,015
Stop. You know what?
267
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:24,100
I was gonna pay somebody
to take you out on the inside.
268
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:27,228
But... fine.
I'll be your lawyer.
269
00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:29,731
[ Giggles ] Oh, my God!
I'm so happy, I could kiss you!
270
00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:31,483
But I won't kiss you
because my mouth
271
00:11:31,483 --> 00:11:32,734
has other things it needs to do.
272
00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:34,361
Come on, mouth!
We got work to do!
273
00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:36,363
[ Buzzing lips ]
274
00:11:37,906 --> 00:11:39,824
I want you
to tell me the truth.
275
00:11:39,824 --> 00:11:42,035
What did you do
with my five grand?
276
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,037
I bought a dune buggy.
277
00:11:45,914 --> 00:11:47,999
Make sure he's not fed.
278
00:11:53,797 --> 00:11:56,174
{\an8}♪
279
00:11:56,174 --> 00:12:00,136
Oh. So sorry about Angel.
Were you two close?
280
00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:02,639
I mean,
were your buildings close?
281
00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:04,224
Where's your building?
282
00:12:05,141 --> 00:12:07,102
Oh, come on. That was subtle.
283
00:12:07,102 --> 00:12:10,271
Olivia middle-name Moore.
You have some nerve.
284
00:12:10,271 --> 00:12:12,315
I upgraded candles for you!
285
00:12:12,315 --> 00:12:14,776
Yeah. Drag her.
286
00:12:14,776 --> 00:12:17,362
Wyatt, you narc.
You told her I was here?
287
00:12:17,362 --> 00:12:19,322
That's right. I'm in the show.
288
00:12:19,322 --> 00:12:23,159
And my tagline-- "I'm judge,
jury, and... sex-ecutioner."
289
00:12:23,159 --> 00:12:25,829
Hey! That was mine.
And you said it was bad.
290
00:12:25,829 --> 00:12:27,539
It works better for me.
291
00:12:27,539 --> 00:12:30,542
Would you two just get out of
here? You're bad for business.
292
00:12:30,542 --> 00:12:32,502
You may not think you had
a relationship with this man,
293
00:12:32,502 --> 00:12:34,337
but these people did,
and they don't want someone
294
00:12:34,337 --> 00:12:36,006
around here trolling for a deal.
295
00:12:36,006 --> 00:12:39,050
I hear you're looking
to make a deal.
296
00:12:39,050 --> 00:12:41,302
I'm Angel's replacement.
The name is Norman.
297
00:12:41,302 --> 00:12:43,221
Wait.
You're Norman... the doorman?
298
00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:45,807
Oh, you think
that's funny, huh?
299
00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:48,018
But when Dora the Explorer
finds a job that way,
300
00:12:48,018 --> 00:12:50,562
you've got nothing to say.
301
00:12:50,562 --> 00:12:51,938
So I can keep the address?
302
00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:54,524
You'll hold up
my old 13th-floor special?
303
00:12:54,524 --> 00:12:57,027
I will. On one condition.
304
00:12:57,027 --> 00:12:58,570
The family
has asked me to speak,
305
00:12:58,570 --> 00:13:00,613
but we doormen
like to keep it brief.
306
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:02,907
"It's a wet one out there."
"Happy Friday."
307
00:13:02,907 --> 00:13:04,325
That sort of thing.
308
00:13:04,325 --> 00:13:05,952
So you want me to give a eulogy
309
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:07,203
for a man I barely knew?
310
00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:09,289
- Is that a problem?
- No, not at all.
311
00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:12,792
Great. If I don't see you,
happy Friday.
312
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:14,336
[ Laughs ]
313
00:13:14,336 --> 00:13:17,505
You were right. Coming here
was just what I needed.
314
00:13:17,505 --> 00:13:18,798
Don't do this.
315
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,383
If you give that eulogy,
you're gonna regret it.
316
00:13:20,383 --> 00:13:23,261
I-I think we should at least
see her do it first.
317
00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:25,430
It'll be fine.
318
00:13:25,430 --> 00:13:27,390
I'll just get up there
and squeeze out a few tears.
319
00:13:27,390 --> 00:13:30,352
Thinking about the end of
"Titanic" always does the trick.
320
00:13:30,352 --> 00:13:33,563
[Voice breaking]
Why should the ocean get to
keep that expensive necklace?
321
00:13:35,065 --> 00:13:36,649
This is so messed up.
322
00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:38,068
I know.
323
00:13:38,068 --> 00:13:40,278
I'll get us some snacks.
324
00:13:42,197 --> 00:13:45,575
Alright.
So we know you're not innocent.
325
00:13:45,575 --> 00:13:47,452
Or likable.
326
00:13:47,452 --> 00:13:49,245
You at least have
any character witnesses
327
00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:50,955
who will come and testify
on your behalf?
328
00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:53,750
Nah. Bunch of
fair-weather phonies.
329
00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:58,129
Abandoned me because I haven't
done bupkus in 30 years.
330
00:13:58,129 --> 00:14:01,466
I used to have an eye for
talent, but I hit a cold streak.
331
00:14:01,466 --> 00:14:05,387
I told Lin-Manuel Miranda,
"You talk too fast."
332
00:14:05,387 --> 00:14:07,722
Told Jonathan Groff
he was pitchy.
333
00:14:07,722 --> 00:14:09,099
And I said to Stephen Sondheim,
334
00:14:09,099 --> 00:14:12,018
"Hey! What's with
all the words?"
335
00:14:12,018 --> 00:14:14,229
Any chance we could have
this conversation
336
00:14:14,229 --> 00:14:17,440
with less corned beef
flying right into my face?
337
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:20,276
Don't worry about the trial.
I got it all planned out.
338
00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:22,612
We start out
with some light piccolo.
339
00:14:22,612 --> 00:14:25,115
[ Imitating piccolo ]
340
00:14:25,115 --> 00:14:26,491
That's your theme.
341
00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:28,952
Then the strings
are for the judge.
342
00:14:28,952 --> 00:14:31,037
[ Imitating violin ]
343
00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:33,957
She's the angel
that's gonna save us.
344
00:14:33,957 --> 00:14:37,502
Then the oboe comes in.
That's me.
345
00:14:37,502 --> 00:14:39,129
Strong, confident.
346
00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:42,298
♪ Oboe, oboe ♪
347
00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:46,094
♪ Oh, no, oh, no ♪
348
00:14:46,094 --> 00:14:47,804
We're not doing any of that.
349
00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:49,097
Why? 'Cause you're the piccolo?
350
00:14:49,097 --> 00:14:52,392
Well, obviously,
I'm an alto sax--
351
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:55,270
Boy, I just hope Gurgs singing
for you is worth all of this.
352
00:14:55,270 --> 00:14:57,313
Oh, no.
She never sang for me.
353
00:14:57,313 --> 00:14:59,816
Came in, turned around,
walked right out.
354
00:14:59,816 --> 00:15:01,234
- What?
- Yeah.
355
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:04,154
Same thing happened
with Patti LuPone in 1973.
356
00:15:04,154 --> 00:15:08,533
In some ways, I'm still
waiting in that bathroom.
357
00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:10,618
You're gonna lose the beard
for the trial, right?
358
00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:12,704
I mean,
we're not doing "Fiddler."
359
00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:17,375
I'm taking this.
360
00:15:18,835 --> 00:15:20,503
Angel was special.
361
00:15:20,503 --> 00:15:22,630
When he asked,
"How about them Mets?"
362
00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:25,216
He was really asking,
"How's your wife?"
363
00:15:25,216 --> 00:15:26,634
How's your kids?
364
00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:29,179
And how do they feel
about them Mets?"
365
00:15:29,179 --> 00:15:30,805
Love a doorman funeral.
366
00:15:30,805 --> 00:15:34,392
You know, after this, we all go
outside and hail a hearse.
367
00:15:34,392 --> 00:15:36,811
Next up, a few words
from Olivia Moore.
368
00:15:36,811 --> 00:15:38,521
Olivia,
you're better than this.
369
00:15:38,521 --> 00:15:40,398
No, I'm not.
370
00:15:41,399 --> 00:15:45,904
Thank you, Yarls, family,
and fellow residents.
371
00:15:45,904 --> 00:15:49,199
Ashes to ashes. Door to door.
372
00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:52,202
Oh. There's that smile.
373
00:15:52,202 --> 00:15:53,703
There's that casket.
374
00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:55,372
[ Chuckles ]
375
00:15:55,372 --> 00:15:57,665
And Angel's in it.
[ Chuckles ]
376
00:15:57,665 --> 00:16:01,544
Forever. Oh, I'm never gonna
see him eat another doughnut.
377
00:16:01,544 --> 00:16:04,714
It's happening. Catharsis.
Let it out.
378
00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:06,800
Pretty soon
I'll be in that box.
379
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,051
And so will you. And you.
380
00:16:08,051 --> 00:16:09,761
And then addresses
won't even matter.
381
00:16:09,761 --> 00:16:12,305
Because what? We're just
gonna be worm meat!
382
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:15,016
Put it back. Put it back.
383
00:16:15,016 --> 00:16:16,601
So this is what happens
when a person
384
00:16:16,601 --> 00:16:19,145
who's never felt anything
feels everything at once.
385
00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:21,690
And after everything
he has done for you!
386
00:16:21,690 --> 00:16:24,901
We got to get him out of there!
- Ohh.
387
00:16:24,901 --> 00:16:26,236
Okay. Hi.
388
00:16:26,236 --> 00:16:28,196
I'm Olivia's friend from work.
389
00:16:28,196 --> 00:16:30,115
And, you know, I met Angel once,
390
00:16:30,115 --> 00:16:32,617
so it's not weird at all
that I'm up here.
391
00:16:32,617 --> 00:16:34,619
I think what Olivia's
trying to say...
392
00:16:34,619 --> 00:16:37,122
We're all just worm doughnuts!
393
00:16:37,122 --> 00:16:38,748
...is that, uh, life is hard.
394
00:16:38,748 --> 00:16:41,084
And if you find someone
who can make it a little easier,
395
00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:43,211
that's pretty special.
396
00:16:43,211 --> 00:16:44,838
And you'll always have that.
397
00:16:44,838 --> 00:16:47,882
Not just with Angel, but with
anyone who sees the good in you.
398
00:16:47,882 --> 00:16:49,926
- Hm.
- Hm.
399
00:16:49,926 --> 00:16:52,262
S-So in closing...
400
00:16:52,262 --> 00:16:54,347
it's a wet one out there?
401
00:16:59,436 --> 00:17:02,188
[Crying]
It's a wet one in here, too!
402
00:17:11,239 --> 00:17:12,866
Another.
403
00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:17,037
Another.
- Gurgs!
404
00:17:17,037 --> 00:17:19,581
You didn't even sing for him?
And what is this?
405
00:17:19,581 --> 00:17:20,874
Well, there's no bar here,
406
00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:24,002
so I'm drowning my sorrows
in iced tea.
407
00:17:24,002 --> 00:17:26,004
Same color. No effect.
408
00:17:26,004 --> 00:17:29,007
Let me guess. You figured
singing would be a waste of time
409
00:17:29,007 --> 00:17:31,968
because Sy wouldn't even hear
you over his mouth breathing?
410
00:17:31,968 --> 00:17:33,845
I was standing at the mic,
411
00:17:33,845 --> 00:17:36,097
about to bring the house down
with the big finale
412
00:17:36,097 --> 00:17:37,891
from "Camouflage: The Musical"
413
00:17:37,891 --> 00:17:41,811
when Sy said, "Okay, kid!
Show me what ya got!"
414
00:17:41,811 --> 00:17:42,979
And I froze.
415
00:17:42,979 --> 00:17:45,148
Which is ironic
because I got super-hot
416
00:17:45,148 --> 00:17:47,734
and couldn't stop sweating.
417
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:51,446
In that moment, I realized
Sy was the only one
418
00:17:51,446 --> 00:17:53,531
who could tell me
if I'm really any good.
419
00:17:53,531 --> 00:17:57,035
And maybe I'm happier
not knowing.
420
00:17:57,035 --> 00:17:58,453
Oh, Gurgs.
421
00:17:58,453 --> 00:18:00,955
That's the longest story
I've ever heard.
422
00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:05,251
You just had to be unselfish
and graciously help me.
423
00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:06,836
Thanks a lot, Dan!
424
00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:08,546
I did something good.
Why are you yelling at me?!
425
00:18:08,546 --> 00:18:11,299
Because I'm sad! And it's
a lot easier to be mad.
426
00:18:11,299 --> 00:18:13,885
Yeah, well, we agree on that!
427
00:18:15,261 --> 00:18:17,472
Put it on her tab.
428
00:18:20,558 --> 00:18:22,602
May not have been
my finest moment,
429
00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:24,854
but I feel like Angel's
secret family showing up
430
00:18:24,854 --> 00:18:26,981
will be what
people really remember.
431
00:18:26,981 --> 00:18:28,733
How could they not know?
432
00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:31,277
He was going to Tampa
twice a month on business.
433
00:18:31,277 --> 00:18:33,780
He's a doorman. What business?
434
00:18:34,948 --> 00:18:36,700
Well, he was good to me.
435
00:18:36,700 --> 00:18:39,411
I may not have actually lived
on Central Park West,
436
00:18:39,411 --> 00:18:42,497
but... he always treated me
like I did.
437
00:18:42,497 --> 00:18:44,290
And that's why,
as a tribute to him--
438
00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:46,835
Ah. You're gonna treat people
the way he treated you?
439
00:18:46,835 --> 00:18:49,587
Close. I'm gonna crush
everything in my path
440
00:18:49,587 --> 00:18:52,590
until I actually live
on Central Park West.
441
00:18:52,590 --> 00:18:53,717
For him.
442
00:18:53,717 --> 00:18:56,594
I think he would
have wanted that.
443
00:18:56,594 --> 00:18:59,931
- Okay. Places, everyone.
- What's going on?
444
00:18:59,931 --> 00:19:02,017
Gurgs, we know that
you're mad at yourself
445
00:19:02,017 --> 00:19:04,227
for not singing for Sy,
but you shouldn't care
446
00:19:04,227 --> 00:19:05,437
what he thinks about you.
447
00:19:05,437 --> 00:19:07,188
If you care about
what anybody thinks,
448
00:19:07,188 --> 00:19:10,442
it should be us,
your... friends.
449
00:19:10,442 --> 00:19:14,320
And we would like
to hear you sing.
450
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,072
You do?
451
00:19:16,072 --> 00:19:18,408
Well, this is all so lovely,
452
00:19:18,408 --> 00:19:21,036
but I don't know
what I would even--
453
00:19:21,036 --> 00:19:22,579
Maybe this.
454
00:19:22,579 --> 00:19:25,957
"Camouflage" finale in B flat.
And... try to keep up.
455
00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:30,962
♪ My friends, my lovers ♪
456
00:19:30,962 --> 00:19:33,798
♪ My entourage ♪
457
00:19:33,798 --> 00:19:36,468
♪ This hurts, this smothers ♪
458
00:19:36,468 --> 00:19:39,637
♪ This camouflage ♪
459
00:19:39,637 --> 00:19:42,182
♪ So I'm makin' a push ♪
460
00:19:42,182 --> 00:19:44,684
♪ To not look like a bush ♪
461
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,686
♪ We were thick as thieves ♪
462
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:48,813
♪ But I don't want to believe ♪
463
00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:50,815
♪ You may think it's mean ♪
464
00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:54,152
♪ But I need to be seen ♪
465
00:19:54,152 --> 00:19:56,529
♪ So I'm gonna be ♪
466
00:19:56,529 --> 00:20:02,827
♪ S-e-e-e-een ♪
467
00:20:02,827 --> 00:20:04,913
[ Inhales sharply ]
Camouflage!
468
00:20:10,251 --> 00:20:11,795
I love that song!
469
00:20:11,795 --> 00:20:13,505
[ Screams ]
470
00:20:13,505 --> 00:20:14,839
Oh, my God!
471
00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:16,841
- Sy was here the whole time?
- Yeah.
472
00:20:16,841 --> 00:20:19,886
I mean, he's a crook, but, hey,
he knows his camouflage.
473
00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:22,055
I'm gonna tell you
the same thing
474
00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:23,682
I told Idina Menzel.
475
00:20:23,682 --> 00:20:28,812
Nobody cares about two broads
in the snow. And you stink!
476
00:20:28,812 --> 00:20:31,022
First of all,
you're the one who stinks!
477
00:20:31,022 --> 00:20:33,316
You're lucky I let you off
with community service.
478
00:20:33,316 --> 00:20:36,611
And, second of all, what else
in this room is people?
479
00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:39,489
No, Abby. It's okay.
480
00:20:39,489 --> 00:20:41,866
If Sy Hoffman thinks I'm bad,
481
00:20:41,866 --> 00:20:43,702
it means I'm actually amazing.
482
00:20:43,702 --> 00:20:46,746
That's right. I mean, he's been
on a 30-year cold streak.
483
00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:50,208
Come on. He cast Bill Maher
as Sweeney Todd!
484
00:20:50,208 --> 00:20:53,461
And that so cost me my EGOT.
I was so close!
485
00:20:53,461 --> 00:20:55,463
All I needed was a Tony.
486
00:20:55,463 --> 00:20:59,092
{\an8}Then a Grammy. And the Emmy.
And the Oscar.
487
00:20:59,092 --> 00:21:01,136
{\an8}I thought I had the Grammy
all locked up
488
00:21:01,136 --> 00:21:02,762
{\an8}with that audiobook I did.
489
00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:05,098
{\an8}My voice is very soothing.
490
00:21:05,098 --> 00:21:06,641
{\an8}Okay, bye!
491
00:21:09,519 --> 00:21:10,812
{\an8}Gurgs, you're
an incredible singer.
492
00:21:10,812 --> 00:21:12,897
{\an8}- And I can dance, too.
- Oh. I know.
493
00:21:12,897 --> 00:21:15,233
{\an8}We can always spot our own.
Yeah?
494
00:21:15,233 --> 00:21:16,443
{\an8}[ Humming ]
495
00:21:16,443 --> 00:21:18,611
{\an8}[ Classical music plays ]
496
00:21:21,990 --> 00:21:24,909
{\an8}Wait! I was making sure
this bookcase wasn't a person!
497
00:21:24,909 --> 00:21:27,454
{\an8}Did Dan just dance
and I missed it?!
498
00:21:30,582 --> 00:21:32,000
{\an8}It's funny!