1 00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:07,465 -Happy Chris-wanza-kah Solstice 2 00:00:07,507 --> 00:00:09,843 for the winter spirits, everyone. 3 00:00:09,884 --> 00:00:14,014 -You left out Boxing Day and Flobert's Canadian by marriage. 4 00:00:14,055 --> 00:00:15,515 -If we weren't such tolerant people, 5 00:00:15,557 --> 00:00:18,601 I'd be taking my nog in the hall. 6 00:00:19,394 --> 00:00:20,770 -Open my gifts next. 7 00:00:20,812 --> 00:00:22,480 Why aren't you opening? 8 00:00:23,898 --> 00:00:26,317 -Ruth Bader Ginsburg pearls. 9 00:00:26,359 --> 00:00:29,195 And they're court worn. 10 00:00:29,237 --> 00:00:30,613 -The criminal records 11 00:00:30,655 --> 00:00:33,700 of the meanest mean girls in my law school. 12 00:00:33,742 --> 00:00:37,662 -Holy cow. Dave & Buster's gift cards! 13 00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:41,875 That's my favorite restaurant andmy favorite store. 14 00:00:41,916 --> 00:00:43,418 -Gift giving -- sorta my thing. 15 00:00:43,460 --> 00:00:45,712 I haven't given a bad one since 2013 16 00:00:45,754 --> 00:00:48,631 when I got my cousin that trip to rock star fantasy camp. 17 00:00:48,673 --> 00:00:51,760 How was I supposed to know there'd be so many STDs? 18 00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:55,513 -And now for the Dan finale! 19 00:00:55,555 --> 00:00:58,224 It will have to wait because your gift still isn't here yet. 20 00:00:58,266 --> 00:00:59,893 So I guess we just go work. 21 00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:02,270 -Wait, wait, whoa, whoa. I haven't given out my gifts. 22 00:01:02,312 --> 00:01:03,730 -Well, I guess we didn't expect gifts from you, 23 00:01:03,772 --> 00:01:05,523 based on your core nature and everything you've done 24 00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:07,817 in your life up to this point. 25 00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:09,402 -Shows you what you know. 26 00:01:09,444 --> 00:01:12,906 -Scratch-off lottery tickets. You shouldn't have. 27 00:01:12,947 --> 00:01:14,866 And I suspect, almost didn't. 28 00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:17,202 -And you signed the back, 29 00:01:17,243 --> 00:01:19,579 because who doesn't love an autograph? 30 00:01:19,621 --> 00:01:21,790 -The signature guarantees that I get a cut of the winnings. 31 00:01:21,831 --> 00:01:23,750 You know, it's the thought that counts, 32 00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:26,961 and, well, I think I deserve more money. 33 00:01:27,003 --> 00:01:28,254 -I don't buy it, Dan. 34 00:01:28,296 --> 00:01:29,464 You get caught up in the holiday spirit 35 00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:30,715 just like the rest of us. 36 00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:33,301 -I suppose there is something magical 37 00:01:33,343 --> 00:01:36,262 about this time of year. -Why are you smiling? 38 00:01:36,304 --> 00:01:39,599 I mean, it's what I wanted, but now that it's happening, yikes! 39 00:01:39,641 --> 00:01:41,351 -Tonight, a lot of people's Christmases 40 00:01:41,393 --> 00:01:43,645 are gonna be ruined because of you. 41 00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:47,273 And I think that's fun. 42 00:01:47,315 --> 00:01:49,442 But to put it in more festive terms, 43 00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:51,486 'Twas the night before Christmas, 44 00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:53,613 and all through the court, 45 00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:56,950 there were sex workers and muggers, of every odd sort. 46 00:01:56,991 --> 00:02:00,745 There were pub-crawling Santas and pickpockets and drifters, 47 00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:05,458 and a pretty tough knife-fight between two angry re-gifters. 48 00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:09,671 The festive old Judge, who just loved the season, 49 00:02:09,713 --> 00:02:14,509 was crushed all night long by hard facts and cold reason. 50 00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:18,430 She wanted to be Rudolph, or maybe a cartoon St. Bernard, 51 00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:22,600 but because it's her job, she had to Grinch it real hard. 52 00:02:24,227 --> 00:02:28,481 Despite a perfect defense, off to prison they'll head. 53 00:02:28,523 --> 00:02:31,359 Merry Chris-wanker-whatever 54 00:02:31,401 --> 00:02:34,654 and all that sugary crap, she said. 55 00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:40,535 -Okay. He did a whole poem. 56 00:02:40,577 --> 00:02:42,871 That guy totally likes Christmas! 57 00:02:42,912 --> 00:02:48,835 ** 58 00:02:48,877 --> 00:02:51,212 When a kid sets a series of elaborate traps 59 00:02:51,254 --> 00:02:52,881 to catch burglars, it's "Home Alone." 60 00:02:52,922 --> 00:02:57,260 When a grown man does it to a Postmate, it's a "Saw" movie. 61 00:03:00,263 --> 00:03:03,350 Enjoy jail, ya filthy animal. 62 00:03:03,391 --> 00:03:06,311 -When I was a kid, I reverse Home Alone'd. 63 00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:09,022 I left my family and went to France. 64 00:03:09,064 --> 00:03:11,441 -That's disappointing. The last three guys pulled off 65 00:03:11,483 --> 00:03:15,195 the old, "But Your Honor, it's Christmas." 66 00:03:15,236 --> 00:03:17,322 -Sorry to ruin your poem, Dan, 67 00:03:17,364 --> 00:03:19,282 but this isn't bothering me at all. 68 00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:21,201 Your rhyme should have gone something like 69 00:03:21,242 --> 00:03:22,369 "'Twas the night before Christmas, 70 00:03:22,410 --> 00:03:25,997 and Dan was a jerk...at work." 71 00:03:27,248 --> 00:03:29,584 There's no way you came up with all that on the spot. 72 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,464 -The People vs. Tess Potter. 73 00:03:34,506 --> 00:03:36,883 -The defendant is charged with disturbing the peace. 74 00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:39,386 She tried to lead an uprising against a mall Santa 75 00:03:39,427 --> 00:03:41,763 she accused of taking too many breaks. 76 00:03:42,597 --> 00:03:43,890 -Your Honor, Miss Potter and her daughter 77 00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:45,225 were standing in line for three hours 78 00:03:45,266 --> 00:03:46,726 waiting to see Mr. Kringle. 79 00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:48,937 Oh, did I mention that her daughter has rosy cheeks 80 00:03:48,978 --> 00:03:50,647 and an adorable lisp? 81 00:03:50,689 --> 00:03:54,776 [ With a lisp ] And this is her first Christmas... 82 00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:57,028 since the divorce. 83 00:03:58,279 --> 00:04:00,573 -Objection. [ Baby-talk ] Pandewing. 84 00:04:03,159 --> 00:04:04,869 -I sympathize, but I'm not sure 85 00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:07,414 that the best way to capture the holiday spirit 86 00:04:07,455 --> 00:04:11,918 is to "bust into Santa's dumb little house 87 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:15,296 and drag his fat ass back to work." 88 00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:16,965 -She did not know that Santa's little house 89 00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:18,758 was also his bathroom. 90 00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:21,970 -I needed her to meet Santa 91 00:04:22,012 --> 00:04:24,264 so I could find out what she wants for Christmas. 92 00:04:24,305 --> 00:04:28,351 She thinks if she tells anyone else, it won't come true. 93 00:04:28,393 --> 00:04:30,812 -Those are birthday candle rules. 94 00:04:30,854 --> 00:04:32,772 -Her father told her that's how it worked, 95 00:04:32,814 --> 00:04:36,568 to screw with me before he left for Cabo with his new girlfriend 96 00:04:36,609 --> 00:04:40,488 and her parents who are my age. 97 00:04:40,530 --> 00:04:42,407 -I know you're having a hard time, 98 00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:44,659 but you also traumatized a group of kids 99 00:04:44,701 --> 00:04:47,328 and the free sample guy from Orange Julius. 100 00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:49,497 So $500 fine. -But, Your Honor... 101 00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:51,499 -[ Gasps ] Here it comes! 102 00:04:53,335 --> 00:04:56,004 -...it's Christmas. 103 00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,881 ** 104 00:04:57,922 --> 00:04:59,716 -Aren't you supposed to be watching me 105 00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:02,927 until my mom gets back from processing? 106 00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:06,014 -You're good. I got to keep refreshing. 107 00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:07,682 My perfect gift streak is in jeopardy, 108 00:05:07,724 --> 00:05:09,476 because Dan's present still hasn't shown up. 109 00:05:09,517 --> 00:05:10,977 -What did you get him? 110 00:05:11,019 --> 00:05:14,606 -A video message from his hero, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. 111 00:05:14,647 --> 00:05:17,942 -I guess that's okay. 112 00:05:19,527 --> 00:05:20,653 -Gurgs? I need a favor. 113 00:05:20,695 --> 00:05:22,072 This is a witness in a case later. 114 00:05:22,113 --> 00:05:23,490 She thinks she's the Ghost of Christmas Present, 115 00:05:23,531 --> 00:05:24,991 and I got to keep an eye on her. 116 00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:30,121 -Until you appreciate the true meaning of Christmas! 117 00:05:31,831 --> 00:05:33,583 -Until I can get her a psych evaluation. 118 00:05:33,625 --> 00:05:35,377 Can you watch her for me? -I'd love to, 119 00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:36,586 but I've got to watch Virginia. 120 00:05:36,628 --> 00:05:38,588 I mean, I guess we could trade. 121 00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:42,050 -Kid or delusional ghost? 122 00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:44,386 Let's go, bathrobe. 123 00:05:45,553 --> 00:05:48,556 -That kid's stuck here on Christmas Eve? 124 00:05:48,598 --> 00:05:50,767 Oh, I wish there was something I could do. 125 00:05:50,809 --> 00:05:53,061 -You know, before you feel too bad, just know that her dad 126 00:05:53,103 --> 00:05:56,272 is definitely coming back from Cabo with cornrows. 127 00:05:56,314 --> 00:05:58,692 She can't blame you for that. 128 00:05:58,733 --> 00:06:01,277 -Sorry, Dan. I wasn't listening. 129 00:06:01,319 --> 00:06:03,655 I gotta go save Christmas. 130 00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:06,741 -Hey. I think you could pull off cornrows. 131 00:06:06,783 --> 00:06:08,702 -Hey, you're not a good friend. 132 00:06:10,412 --> 00:06:11,871 -Miss Potter. 133 00:06:11,913 --> 00:06:13,873 I think I can get your daughter's Christmas list. 134 00:06:13,915 --> 00:06:15,709 -Oh, it's a Christmas miracle. 135 00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:19,170 Getting her list and waiving my fine? 136 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:22,215 It was worth a shot. 137 00:06:22,257 --> 00:06:24,134 I'm gonna go check the lost and found for wedding rings, 138 00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:27,095 'cause apparently those things don't mean anything any more. 139 00:06:28,430 --> 00:06:31,307 -Hi, Virginia. I'm Abby. -Nice to meet you. 140 00:06:31,349 --> 00:06:33,727 -Hmm. No lisp. 141 00:06:33,768 --> 00:06:35,520 Dan! 142 00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:39,065 I'm really sorry that you didn't get to talk to Santa, 143 00:06:39,107 --> 00:06:41,401 but I might be the next best thing. 144 00:06:41,443 --> 00:06:43,028 -You're an elf? 145 00:06:44,863 --> 00:06:47,157 -No, I'm -- I'm not an elf. 146 00:06:47,198 --> 00:06:51,786 -Then why are you tiny and look like my keychain? 147 00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:55,957 -I'm a judge, and I got Santa Claus connections, 148 00:06:55,999 --> 00:06:58,626 so is there anything that you'd like me to give to him? 149 00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:01,087 Maybe a letter? -I already gave him my letter 150 00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:03,882 when I saw him in the cafeteria. -Oh, that's smart. 151 00:07:03,923 --> 00:07:06,092 Let's go see if he has any follow-ups. 152 00:07:06,134 --> 00:07:08,678 Here's a room full of holiday spirit. 153 00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:14,851 And that spirit appears to be mostly vodka. 154 00:07:20,023 --> 00:07:21,483 -All right, Virginia. 155 00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:22,817 Which one of these Santas did you give your letter to? 156 00:07:22,859 --> 00:07:25,278 Is it that one taking a table nap, 157 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:27,781 or that one all cozied up on the ground? 158 00:07:27,822 --> 00:07:31,910 -Where did all these Santas come from? 159 00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:35,497 -Well, every year, the city's drunks gather together 160 00:07:35,538 --> 00:07:38,541 for a gin-soaked freak fest known as SantaCon. 161 00:07:38,583 --> 00:07:41,336 -Maybe she's too young to learn about SantaCon. 162 00:07:41,378 --> 00:07:42,712 -Fair enough. 163 00:07:42,754 --> 00:07:44,756 Virginia, these are Santa's body doubles. 164 00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:47,425 Are you familiar with Saddam Hussein? 165 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,802 -I got an idea. 166 00:07:48,843 --> 00:07:50,303 Why don't you take Virginia somewhere else 167 00:07:50,345 --> 00:07:52,222 and I'll track down the real Santa? 168 00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:55,433 -[ Laughs ] -[ Mumbling ] 169 00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:57,852 -This is gonna be harder than that "Where's Waldo?" 170 00:07:57,894 --> 00:08:00,522 when he went to the candy cane factory. 171 00:08:00,563 --> 00:08:02,565 Bottom left corner! 172 00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:05,735 -Behold! 173 00:08:05,777 --> 00:08:10,865 That woman texting loved ones at this joyous time of year. 174 00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:15,578 Kind of makes you want to change your miserly ways, huh?! 175 00:08:15,620 --> 00:08:17,288 -You know [clears throat] 176 00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:20,750 don't take this the wrong way, but you're not much of a ghost. 177 00:08:20,792 --> 00:08:23,003 You're just looking around the room 178 00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:24,671 and telling me things that are happening. 179 00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:27,465 -In the Christmas present, 180 00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:30,552 nudging you towards your Christmas epiphany. 181 00:08:30,593 --> 00:08:32,554 -Here's my epiphany -- You're only here 182 00:08:32,595 --> 00:08:34,472 because you witnessed a peeping tom 183 00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,725 spying on his ex-girlfriend from a fire escape. 184 00:08:36,766 --> 00:08:38,560 -I would have been up there, too, 185 00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:40,562 but I dropped my turkey leg. 186 00:08:40,603 --> 00:08:44,607 Oh, behold! Another person on their phone! 187 00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:49,738 -I need some water. -I'll go with you. 188 00:08:49,779 --> 00:08:52,574 I have to wash my turkey leg. 189 00:08:52,615 --> 00:08:56,870 -Why would you care about germs if you're a ghost?! 190 00:08:59,831 --> 00:09:02,625 -Your website said my Kareem video would be here by now. 191 00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:06,504 What could be possibly be the hold...up? 192 00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:12,969 Ooh, uh, let me call you back. Mr. Abdul-Jabbar. 193 00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:15,930 You're not a video. -You're Gurgs, right? 194 00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:19,601 I was so moved by what you wrote about your friend, 195 00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:24,314 I decided to give this "angel on earth" 196 00:09:24,356 --> 00:09:26,107 the best present ever -- 197 00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:27,859 me. 198 00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:33,490 -Wow. Now your gift is going to be way better! 199 00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:37,369 -Kareem, would you be a lamb 200 00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:39,537 and straighten that ceiling tinsel? 201 00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:41,915 -On it. 202 00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:46,169 -Virginia, we are capital-F Fudged. 203 00:09:46,211 --> 00:09:48,171 Dan's gonna hate this. -Why? 204 00:09:48,213 --> 00:09:49,839 You said he loves Kareem. 205 00:09:49,881 --> 00:09:52,133 -Yeah, on a tiny screen, not in person. 206 00:09:52,175 --> 00:09:55,136 Dan hates people. 207 00:09:55,178 --> 00:09:57,514 That's why my video was perfect. 208 00:09:57,555 --> 00:09:59,432 Dan would get to hold a living legend 209 00:09:59,474 --> 00:10:01,726 in the palm of his hand, mute and unmute 210 00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:05,105 this titan at will, like a God. 211 00:10:05,146 --> 00:10:06,815 That's how Dan gets his kicks. 212 00:10:06,856 --> 00:10:10,235 Not by meeting somebody richer and taller than him! 213 00:10:11,277 --> 00:10:13,321 -So, the deal is I help you pat down a roomful 214 00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:16,825 of over-served Santas looking for some kid's Christmas list. 215 00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:20,620 And to sweeten the deal, I get nothing in return? 216 00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:23,248 -Well, you could get this ticket back. 217 00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:25,667 -Ooh! I've got a bag full of tickets. 218 00:10:25,709 --> 00:10:28,795 -Lenny, can we have the hall? 219 00:10:28,837 --> 00:10:31,464 You're right. You do have a lot of tickets. 220 00:10:31,506 --> 00:10:33,675 Do any of them have... 221 00:10:33,717 --> 00:10:37,053 -[ Gasps ] Double plums! 222 00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:38,680 -Yeah, that's right. 223 00:10:38,722 --> 00:10:41,808 Looks like we're on our way to a real nice ticket here. 224 00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:44,894 Be a damn shame if something were to happen to it. 225 00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:46,354 -Wh-- [ Blows ] 226 00:10:46,396 --> 00:10:48,356 Abracadabra Stone, you look at me. 227 00:10:48,398 --> 00:10:51,651 Double plums -- that's one plum away from $1 million. 228 00:10:51,693 --> 00:10:53,987 Could be ours, Abby -- yours and mine. 229 00:10:54,029 --> 00:10:56,072 -Help me save this little girl's Christmas, 230 00:10:56,114 --> 00:10:57,240 and the ticket's yours. 231 00:10:57,282 --> 00:10:59,200 Refuse, and I roast your plums. 232 00:10:59,242 --> 00:11:00,785 -Oh. [ Blows ] 233 00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:03,455 -Do I look like someone who loves money more than Christmas? 234 00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:07,083 -No. It disgusts me. 235 00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:13,798 ** 236 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:16,176 -All right. Did a letter girl give you a letter tonight? 237 00:11:16,217 --> 00:11:19,095 -This is the worst date I've ever been on. 238 00:11:19,137 --> 00:11:21,431 Your dad seems cool. 239 00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:26,853 -I think most of this is drugs. 240 00:11:26,895 --> 00:11:30,774 -If it is, the elves put 'em in there without my knowledge. 241 00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:36,654 -Yes, I am a man of size. Yes, I have a lush beard. 242 00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,740 Must I therefore be accosted 243 00:11:38,782 --> 00:11:43,036 every time I wear my favorite athleisure suit? 244 00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:45,497 -At least you get cookies. 245 00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:48,708 -What I want is some damn respect! 246 00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:54,673 -If you wanna talk to Santa, you know what you have to do. 247 00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:03,932 -Do you have the letter or not? 248 00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:05,850 -I do not. 249 00:12:08,353 --> 00:12:11,481 -Hey, hey, hey. 250 00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:12,816 This is stupid. 251 00:12:12,857 --> 00:12:14,401 We're not gonna get anywhere like this. 252 00:12:14,442 --> 00:12:16,194 There are like 30 Santas left in here. 253 00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:18,279 -We could skip the ones with the face tattoos. 254 00:12:18,321 --> 00:12:20,907 -Oh, fine. There are 26 Santas left in here. 255 00:12:20,949 --> 00:12:22,617 -Naughty! -Ow! What the hell was -- 256 00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:24,703 -Naughty. Naughty. 257 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:26,079 Nice. -Hey! 258 00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:27,706 -Naughty. 259 00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:29,666 -Virginia had one of these elf keychains. 260 00:12:29,708 --> 00:12:31,084 He must be her Santa. 261 00:12:31,126 --> 00:12:32,419 -Yeah, his keychain looks just like -- 262 00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:34,129 -I'm not an elf! 263 00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:37,757 -* I won't talk until I get some * 264 00:12:37,799 --> 00:12:39,843 * I won't talk until I get some * 265 00:12:39,884 --> 00:12:42,262 * No, I won't talk until I get some * 266 00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:45,432 * So give me more beer * 267 00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:46,933 -Just answer the question. 268 00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:48,768 Did you get a letter from a little girl? 269 00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:50,770 -Yeah, I got a letter. But why would it help you? 270 00:12:50,812 --> 00:12:52,439 You're the lady who found me guilty. 271 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:55,150 I want my lawyer. -I am your lawyer. 272 00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:59,112 -What if we gave you this? -Holy crap. Two plums. 273 00:12:59,154 --> 00:13:01,031 -Hey, those are my plums. 274 00:13:01,072 --> 00:13:03,742 All right, fine. The ticket for the letter. 275 00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:05,618 -Here, take it. 276 00:13:05,660 --> 00:13:06,911 -You know what? It really doesn't matter. 277 00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:08,288 If it's a winner, I still get half. 278 00:13:08,329 --> 00:13:10,206 It's a perfect system. 279 00:13:10,248 --> 00:13:12,500 -Wait. This isn't a letter from a little girl. 280 00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:17,255 It's a cease and desist from a strip club called "Litty Girls." 281 00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:19,632 -Ah! Elf shoe?! 282 00:13:19,674 --> 00:13:21,760 Thanks for nothing! 283 00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:24,596 Naughty. Naughty. -Hey, hey, hey! 284 00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,973 I hope you get stuck in a chimney! 285 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,476 All right, well, so much for that. 286 00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:30,643 -Dan? -Huh? 287 00:13:30,685 --> 00:13:32,020 -I think I figured out a way 288 00:13:32,062 --> 00:13:33,688 that we can get Virginia's Christmas list. 289 00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:35,273 -Oh, great. You know what? I'd love to help you, 290 00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:36,483 but it is Christmas Eve, 291 00:13:36,524 --> 00:13:38,318 and I have a date with my empty apartment. 292 00:13:39,611 --> 00:13:42,113 -I'm running out of places to hide Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. 293 00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:44,574 He's not gonna leave until he meets Dan Fielding, 294 00:13:44,616 --> 00:13:47,285 so I need you to be Dan Fielding. 295 00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:49,162 -No problem. I know Dan. 296 00:13:49,204 --> 00:13:52,332 Every mannerism, every facial tick. 297 00:13:52,374 --> 00:13:55,210 I will become Dan Fielding. 298 00:13:57,087 --> 00:14:01,299 -Dan wasn't in there. I asked everyone. 299 00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:05,220 -Um, Mr. Abdul-Jabbar, there's someone I'd like you to meet. 300 00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:07,681 -Hey. 301 00:14:07,722 --> 00:14:09,724 I'm Murray Flobert. 302 00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:14,854 Do you think it's too late for me to learn basketball? 303 00:14:14,896 --> 00:14:17,315 Wait. I wasn't supposed to say my name. 304 00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:20,235 Oh, well. Good luck with your play, Gurgs. 305 00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:23,655 -You're making me rethink everything. 306 00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:25,365 Maybe I do rely too much on 307 00:14:25,407 --> 00:14:28,368 the Ghosts of Christmas Past and Future. 308 00:14:28,410 --> 00:14:31,162 Am I the worst one?! 309 00:14:32,914 --> 00:14:35,083 Sorry I don't travel back in time. 310 00:14:35,125 --> 00:14:40,171 Sorry I can't throw an old man in his own grave! 311 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:41,548 -Excuse me. 312 00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:44,134 I'm just gonna [clears throat] escape for a second. 313 00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:48,471 How's your night going, Gurgs? Oh, mine? 314 00:14:48,513 --> 00:14:51,725 Oh, I've thrown a ghost into an existential crisis 315 00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:54,019 by pointing out that she is not magic. 316 00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:56,354 -Hey, I know what that's like. 317 00:14:57,605 --> 00:15:00,025 Sometimes it felt like it didn't matter what I did 318 00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:03,695 on the court, everybody loved Magic. 319 00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:09,200 -I guess we have a lot in common, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. 320 00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:13,496 ** 321 00:15:13,538 --> 00:15:16,082 -Jingle bell, jingle bell... 322 00:15:16,124 --> 00:15:17,876 squid. 323 00:15:19,294 --> 00:15:21,629 Who chooses these images? 324 00:15:21,671 --> 00:15:24,299 -Hey, Dan, check me out. 325 00:15:25,967 --> 00:15:28,595 This is how I'm gonna get Virginia's Christmas list. 326 00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:30,805 -Hi, someone call for a psych consult? 327 00:15:30,847 --> 00:15:32,390 -The consult is no longer necessary. 328 00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:33,767 You can just take her away. 329 00:15:39,689 --> 00:15:41,733 -So, how is this cry for help 330 00:15:41,775 --> 00:15:44,027 going to get you the girl's Christmas list? 331 00:15:44,069 --> 00:15:46,488 -Virginia already thinks I'm an elf, so -- 332 00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:49,491 -Because you love cookies and use a tiny hammer 333 00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:51,493 and work on a bench? 334 00:15:51,534 --> 00:15:55,080 -Yeah, I guess I do have a lot of elf qualities. 335 00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:56,706 -Not to mention your height. 336 00:15:56,748 --> 00:15:58,708 -My height is completely average. 337 00:15:58,750 --> 00:16:02,128 I can show you studies... from the 1800s. 338 00:16:03,338 --> 00:16:06,383 Look, I know it's a long shot, but with a little bit of luck 339 00:16:06,424 --> 00:16:08,009 and a little bit of magic... 340 00:16:08,051 --> 00:16:10,053 -Ho, ho, ho! 341 00:16:10,095 --> 00:16:11,429 What are you doing? 342 00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:14,182 -Uh, I was just -- Dan, Dan, do that again. 343 00:16:14,224 --> 00:16:15,266 -Do what again? 344 00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:17,894 Ho, ho, ho! 345 00:16:17,936 --> 00:16:20,522 -You're right. I-I don't need to be an elf 346 00:16:20,563 --> 00:16:23,400 to get her list because you're Santa. 347 00:16:23,441 --> 00:16:24,651 Virginia was with you 348 00:16:24,693 --> 00:16:26,403 when you met with her mom in the cafeteria. 349 00:16:26,444 --> 00:16:28,571 -You don't think I'd remember a small child giving me a letter? 350 00:16:28,613 --> 00:16:31,783 -Not if the kid was nervous to give it to the big man himself, 351 00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:34,619 so she put it in his sack. -Sack? 352 00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:36,746 That is Corinthian leather. 353 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,542 -Virginia's letter. 354 00:16:40,583 --> 00:16:42,544 Dan Fielding, you saved Christmas. 355 00:16:42,585 --> 00:16:45,255 In your fa-- * La, la, la, la * 356 00:16:45,296 --> 00:16:47,882 * Virginia's here * 357 00:16:47,924 --> 00:16:49,551 -You are an elf! 358 00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:52,220 How else would you be best friends with Santa?! 359 00:16:52,262 --> 00:16:55,557 -Oh, you think Santa and the elves are friends? 360 00:16:55,598 --> 00:16:58,435 -Santa, we have a special guest. 361 00:16:58,476 --> 00:17:00,562 We wouldn't want to spoil anything for her 362 00:17:00,603 --> 00:17:02,647 on the most magical night of the year. 363 00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:05,525 -[ Chuckles ] 364 00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:08,028 Ho, ho, ho. 365 00:17:09,237 --> 00:17:14,617 Yes, I was just telling my little elf friend here, Naggy, 366 00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:17,662 what a good girl you've been. 367 00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:19,456 Naggy, why don't you show us 368 00:17:19,497 --> 00:17:23,001 that elf dance you're so famous for? 369 00:17:24,002 --> 00:17:27,505 -Well, I would love to, but I can't dance without music. 370 00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:31,259 So, Santa, why don't you sing us your favorite Christmas song? 371 00:17:31,301 --> 00:17:33,136 -A ho, ho. 372 00:17:33,178 --> 00:17:35,597 Well, it's gonna sound a lot like 373 00:17:35,638 --> 00:17:38,141 the song "Tequila" by The Champs. 374 00:17:38,183 --> 00:17:41,311 5, 6, 7, 8. 375 00:17:41,353 --> 00:17:43,605 * Bum-ba-da-da-da-bum-bum * 376 00:17:43,646 --> 00:17:45,315 * Ba-dum-ba-da-da-da-bum * 377 00:17:45,357 --> 00:17:47,484 * Ba-da-da-da-dow * 378 00:17:47,525 --> 00:17:49,944 * Ba-da-da-da-d-- * Ow! 379 00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:51,988 * Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da * 380 00:17:52,030 --> 00:17:54,908 * Christmas! * -* Christmas! * 381 00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:58,203 -Mom, this is the best Christmas ever! 382 00:17:58,244 --> 00:18:02,707 I met Santa and a 19-time NBA All-Star! 383 00:18:03,875 --> 00:18:07,504 -And your dad's new girlfriend got flipped on a Jet Ski! 384 00:18:07,545 --> 00:18:10,548 Merry Christmas, everyone! 385 00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:13,301 ** 386 00:18:13,343 --> 00:18:14,594 -Did you find my ghost? 387 00:18:14,636 --> 00:18:16,554 -No, did you find my Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? 388 00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:18,014 -No. 389 00:18:18,056 --> 00:18:19,849 -Uh, excuse me, Miss Moore? 390 00:18:19,891 --> 00:18:22,268 I'm here to evaluate the witness you have in custody. 391 00:18:22,310 --> 00:18:25,271 -Oh, this is gonna be so much paperwork. 392 00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:28,441 I should have just watched the kid. 393 00:18:28,483 --> 00:18:30,026 Kids aren't so bad. 394 00:18:30,068 --> 00:18:32,529 -Epiphany! 395 00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:34,072 -What are you doing back there? 396 00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:38,702 -I dropped my turkey leg, and I repeat, epiphany. 397 00:18:40,078 --> 00:18:42,455 -Oh, yes, Spirit. 398 00:18:42,497 --> 00:18:45,083 You -- You have changed my ways. 399 00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:49,879 -And I did it all by myself! Screw you, other ghosts. 400 00:18:50,755 --> 00:18:52,966 Come on, Doc. I'm on a roll. 401 00:18:53,008 --> 00:18:55,552 Get ready to hear about some stuff that is happening. 402 00:18:55,593 --> 00:18:57,220 Ha! 403 00:18:57,262 --> 00:19:00,390 -Sorry. I was teaching Flobert how to dribble. 404 00:19:00,432 --> 00:19:05,020 -Uh, Kareem, you are the most interesting person alive, 405 00:19:05,061 --> 00:19:06,604 and you deserve to know the truth. 406 00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:09,858 -I'm never going to meet Dan Fielding. 407 00:19:09,899 --> 00:19:11,609 -I know that. How do you know that? 408 00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:15,530 -No, I mean I refuse to meet that man. 409 00:19:16,448 --> 00:19:19,325 I heard he only gives gifts that make him money. 410 00:19:19,367 --> 00:19:23,747 And his daughter stole the shoe-shine guy's elf costume. 411 00:19:27,125 --> 00:19:28,293 -Kareem, this isn't about Dan. 412 00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:30,420 It's about my perfect gift streak. 413 00:19:30,462 --> 00:19:32,047 -So, you're all selfish. 414 00:19:32,088 --> 00:19:34,966 You know, the more you pass the ball, the more you score. 415 00:19:35,008 --> 00:19:36,718 -Is that true? -Oh, God, no, 416 00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:39,346 but everyone else around here is lying. 417 00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:43,308 -* Silent night * -Court. 418 00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:46,519 -* Holy night * -Court. 419 00:19:46,561 --> 00:19:51,441 -* All is calm, all is bright * 420 00:19:51,483 --> 00:19:53,276 -* Court * 421 00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:56,237 -Okay, okay. You can clearly sing. 422 00:19:56,279 --> 00:19:58,281 What you can't do is be naked in the park 423 00:19:58,323 --> 00:19:59,783 unless you're a horse. 424 00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:02,285 Take them away. 425 00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:09,751 -If you ask me, some of those horses should be wearing pants. 426 00:20:09,793 --> 00:20:11,378 -Dan? -Hmm? 427 00:20:11,419 --> 00:20:13,588 -I know you're still waiting for my incredible gift. 428 00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:17,467 But I just have to tell you... I got you nothing. 429 00:20:17,509 --> 00:20:20,762 -Nothing? Nothing at all? 430 00:20:20,804 --> 00:20:23,556 Oh, G-- [ Gasps ] 431 00:20:23,598 --> 00:20:25,809 [ Voice breaking ] Sorry. 432 00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:28,311 I was getting a little choked up. 433 00:20:28,353 --> 00:20:32,357 -Because for you, the perfect gift is nothing. 434 00:20:32,399 --> 00:20:34,442 Oh! Now you don't have to thank anybody 435 00:20:34,484 --> 00:20:36,611 or owe anybody or any of that stuff you hate. 436 00:20:36,653 --> 00:20:39,155 I feel seen. 437 00:20:39,197 --> 00:20:41,700 -Streak's still alive. [ Laughs ] 438 00:20:42,701 --> 00:20:45,120 -Counsel. Please approach the bench. 439 00:20:49,207 --> 00:20:50,625 You big softy. 440 00:20:50,667 --> 00:20:53,128 I saw you having cookies in the cafeteria with Virginia. 441 00:20:53,169 --> 00:20:57,716 -Oh, yeah, well, it was delightful. She paid. 442 00:20:57,757 --> 00:20:59,175 Did you get the list to her mother? 443 00:20:59,217 --> 00:21:01,177 -I did. She wants princess sheets 444 00:21:01,219 --> 00:21:02,721 and her mom and dad to get back together. 445 00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:03,888 -Hmm. 446 00:21:03,930 --> 00:21:06,474 -So I think she's getting sheets. 447 00:21:06,516 --> 00:21:07,767 -Last case of the night -- 448 00:21:07,809 --> 00:21:10,437 the People vs. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. 449 00:21:10,478 --> 00:21:13,982 -Your Honor, Mr. Abdul-Jabbar and his accomplice 450 00:21:14,024 --> 00:21:17,068 were caught lurking on Patrick Ewing's fire escape. 451 00:21:17,110 --> 00:21:20,822 -Let me do the talking, Kareem. 452 00:21:21,573 --> 00:21:25,201 -How's it going? Big fan. 453 00:21:25,243 --> 00:21:28,413 **