♪♪
-Wow, that was a tricky clasp. -Thanks for the help.
People are usually scared of me, for some reason.
-Why, 'cause you have a few tattoos?
What's so scary about a flaming skull?
-That's my Nana.
-Aw. I love her cheekbones.
-I hope you're not in a rush to get to court.
This could take awhile -- Arlo has more jewelry
than a pawn shop after Valentine's Day.
-It's okay if I'm a little late.
They can't start without me. I'm the judge.
-Oh, you're the new night court judge.
Well, let me be the first to introduce you to me.
I'm your bailiff, Donna Gurganous.
Everyone calls me Gurgs. -Oh, so nice to meet you, Gurgs.
I'm Abby Stone. I just moved here from upstate.
-Judge Stone. That sounds familiar.
-Maybe you heard of my dad, Harry Stone?
He worked here back in the '90s.
Yeah, I guess anyone who worked with my dad
moved on a long time ago.
-Oak milk latte for Tad.
Non-drink for a non-name.
-Dan Fielding? Is that you?
-If I have to be, yeah. Yes. A hot tea for Mary.
Oh, you know what? You could make that at home.
I'll get you the recipe.
-You know, the last time I saw you,
I had a client in night court.
-Yeah, I left that place years ago, have not looked back.
-I've looked forward to this for so long.
I can't believe I get to work here.
My dad used to tell the most wonderful stories
over the years about -- -The people.
To call the criminals that came through
that court the bottom of the barrel
is an insult to the bottom of the barrel.
More like the stuff that grows underneath the barrel.
They all deserve -- -A judge who sees them
for more than their crime.
That's what my dad did, and that's what I want to do.
I believe anyone is capable of turning things --
-Around. Turn the top around,
and the milk will come out.
Skinny latte for Barry.
-That's mine. -Oh, wait.
Are you Barry Grenache? -Yeah.
-Oh, I got something else for you.
Consider yourself served.
I've been working here three weeks.
Where the hell you been?
Hey, Louis, thanks for the assist.
Oh, by the way, I'm keeping the hat and this,
because you made me clean the bathroom.
-Wait, so this is all an act?
The whole barista thing? That fake beard?
-Barista, yeah. But this is my real face, ass--
-Holy moly, I can't wait to get started.
Oh, no. Arlo forgot his nose ring.
-That wasn't in his nose.
-Dad never mentioned that in his stories.
-Welcome to night court.
♪♪
All rise. Manhattan Criminal Court
Part Two is now in session.
The Honorable Apny Strone presiding.
-Uh, it's Abby Stone, but that's okay.
-This is what happens when I overprepare.
Let me take another crack at it.
The Stormatable Abner Splumf.
The Abomomitable Snowmay -- -Close enough.
This is night court and we're running out of night.
-Oh, thanks. Neil, right?
I like the way you clerk it.
Alright, let's do this. -Olivia Moore, your honor,
representing the City of New York.
Look at us. Excuse me while I brush a few pieces of
the glass ceiling off my shoulder.
-Nice to meet you, counselor.
And I assume that you are our public defender?
-Paul Grossman -- and as someone who's fallen through an actual
glass ceiling, I find your comments in poor taste.
-First up, we have the People vs Esmerelda the Magnificent.
-AKA Jane Horowitz, the repeat fraud offender.
Ms. Horowitz is charged with criminal impersonation
for misrepresenting her ability to make
100% accurate predictions. -Where's the proof?
-The State would like to submit into evidence this sign,
which says the thing I just said.
-Oof. I didn't know she'd have a sign.
The defense rests. -Hang on, hang on.
I'd love to just dig in a bit and hear
Ms. Horowitz's side of things.
-Oh, no. We don't dig here.
I make my case, you're awed by my charm.
Bangy-bangy, we move on.
This is clearly fraud.
-Well, it's only fraud if she's not psychic.
-Hold on. You -- You want her to prove she's psychic?
-Yeah, I don't know if we have time --
-Oh, you know what they say.
There's always time for CPLR 4011,
which allows judges broad discretion
to regulate the conduct of the trial
in a setting of proper decorum.
Also, they gave me this fancy wooden hammer,
so I kind of get to do what I want.
Alright, Ms. the Magnificent, let's see what you got.
-You think you're better than this place --
-Oh, hang on, I'm gonna need to hear the voice.
-[Romani accent] You think you're better than this place
and are desperate to work at a big firm.
-Well, that's obvious, I'm not just gonna rot here like Paul.
-I'd love to disagree, but this isn't
how a 30 year old man should look.
-You took this job to minimize expectations,
and you're in a hurry to leave, but have no place to go.
-Okay, she might be magic.
-What number am I thinking of? -All of them.
-Get out of my head!
-Okay, now me.
-I'm sensing you are career-driven.
-'Cause I'm young for a judge?
-I am seeing you are new to this place.
-'Cause I was unsure of my clerk's name?
-But as successful as you are,
you are unlucky in love.
-'Cause I'm not wearing a ring?
Which I took off to set you up.
I'm very happily engaged.
My fiancé is upstate and moving down soon.
-Oh, you're going to fry.
-Not quite. 50 hours of community service.
Paul? You didn't put up much of a fight.
I expected more.
But -- ah, I see you trying harder,
'cause I'm gonna keep pushing you,
'cause I believe in you.
-That's all I needed to hear.
I quit. -Quit?
-Yeah. I didn't take this job to work hard
or have some kid tell me she believes in me.
-Paul. Paul, come back.
I don't believe in you that much!
-Oh, don't worry, Judge, he does this sort of thing
all the time. -Really?
-Nah, I was just trying to cheer you up.
I think you broke him.
Look what I found in storage.
I think it's some of your daddy's old stuff.
-Oh, my gosh. Really?
Oh.
I can't believe it's you!
Welcome home, Clarence.
-Well, I'm off to investigate a report of vandalism.
Apparently, the culprit rearranged letters
on the directory board to spell joke names.
-I saw that. "Hugh Janus" was my favorite.
Get it? Hugh Janus?
-So an attack on this court is funny.
-They just moved some letters around.
-Moving letters is a huge deal.
Ask Vanna White.
-Legal Aid said they'll send another public defender
as soon as they can.
-What if we get another Paul?
-We'd be lucky to get another Paul.
He had a way of not caring
that would make the night just fly by.
-We can do better than that.
We need someone who cares as much about people as I do.
I think I might know just the guy.
[ Knocking at door ]
-You better not have forgotten the coleslaw this time!
I have all the Girl Scout cookies I need.
Thanks.
-Maybe that wasn't Dan Fielding.
-No, it was.
-Mr. Fielding, I'm not a Girl Scout, but if I was,
that door slam might have really hurt my feelings.
Though I guess I'd have the support
of a nurturing community
who would help rebuild my self confidence
and set me on an empowered path of discovery and self --
-Who are you, and why are you still talking?
-My name is Abby Stone. You used to work with my dad.
-You're Harry's daughter?
Come in.
-Hope you don't mind me dropping by.
I found your address in a box of my dad's stuff.
-Yeah, no. Uh, no.
It's, uh, fine. It's just --
Sorry, it's been, well, quite awhile
since I did any entertaining.
Oh, duck sauce?
-For later.
-I was sorry to hear about your father.
We had lost touch over the years, but he was a great guy.
-I know he felt the same way about you.
-Mm.
-I almost didn't recognize you with the beard.
In pictures, you always looked so put together.
Not that the beard isn't a good look.
It's -- It's a great way to cover up a weird neck.
Not that your neck is weird. It's -- Wow, look at that view!
-That is what sold Sarah on the place.
-Is Sarah your wife?
-She was.
So, what brings you to town?
-I moved here for a job.
I am the new night court judge. -[ Yelps ]
-Anyway, our public defender quit,
and I was wondering if you might be interested.
-In being a public defender?
I'm afraid you've confused me with someone else,
someone who likes people.
-Huh. Then I guess this doesn't mean anything to you?
-Pull the rest of the table out of there,
I'll be very impressed.
-It's a souvenir from the night that my dad almost quit
being a judge; you found him in a pool hall
and helped him go back to the thing that he loved.
You said you admired him.
-Doesn't ring a bell.
-You also called him "a pathetic,
whiny, wheezy jackass twig."
-Oh, that I remember.
That was a very long time ago.
You know, my practicing days are behind me.
Nowadays, I'm in more of a supportive role.
-Teaching? -I'm a process server.
The look on someone's face when you tell them
they've been served at their kid's flag football game,
priceless.
-Hmm.
The guy with all those thank you cards
must like people a little bit.
-Occasionally with the subpoena, I'll throw in
a little free legal advice, just so that the poor bastards
don't do something utterly stupid.
And they'll thank me with a card,
or 26 pounds of black market ribeyes.
Here.
One for the road? Don't ask where they came from.
These cows have seen stuff.
-Come to the courthouse tonight.
I could really use some pointers.
I've been a judge upstate, but night court is --
-A non-stop freak show. A fetid swamp.
Am I close? Come on, you know I'm close.
-It's different.
Please? You're the only person I know
who gets how that world works,
or at least the only person who's still around.
-Yeah, okay.
I'll stop by.
So now, as I said, it's been quite awhile
since I entertained.
How do you get someone to leave?
-Tell me a story, board.
Who hurt you?
Oh, I can't believe this is happening on my watch.
-Is there a world in which you're taking this
a little too seriously? -Oh, Neil.
Innocent, naive, simple,
narrow-hipped Neil.
I wish I could tell you the world was all
sunshine and flapjacks, but this is no isolated incident.
Or have you forgotten the events of last Thursday,
when our courtroom's light bulbs were swapped out
for fingerling potatoes?
-It's just a dumb joke, it's not like anybody's gonna believe
Gary Buttmouth is a real person?
-I'm looking for Gary Buttmouth?
-You think there's a Gary Buttmouth working here
and his office is --
1814.
He's coming for me.
That's my office.
-So, I'm going to ask you one more time.
Who threw the first punch?
-[Both] He did. I did? You did!
-Cut it out! Cut it out!
-Maybe we should just let them kill each other.
It's basically Thunderdome around here
without a public defender.
-Let's take five. -You don't want to just rule
real quick? Or take five. Maybe 10.
-Hey, Sally. Yes, it's me.
Let's not make a big deal about it, okay?
-So is it weird being back?
Like going to your old high school?
-No, more like a trip to the dentist.
Slightly unpleasant, and there's
a decent chance a total stranger
will try to stick their hand in your mouth.
-So, you want to check out my dad's old chambers?
I bet that box of stuff we found will bring back memories
of your glory days. -No, thank you.
I prefer leaving the past in the past.
If these walls could talk, they'd say, "Kill me."
-Oh, Olivia Moore, this is Dan Fielding.
He used to be the Assistant District Attorney of this court.
-Oh, wow, a former night court Assistant District Attorney.
Of all the days to leave my selfie stick at home.
-Well, you could always tape your phone
to that stick up your -- -Oh.
I am liking this back and forth.
Maybe it's just me, but I would love to see you two
squaring off every night. -Mm-hmm.
Judge, may I have a word?
-I'm gonna go get some coffee.
Alone.
-I don't want to question your usually impeccable judgment,
but if you think Truck Stop Santa's
gonna be our new public defender, you're delusional.
-I think he'd be perfect.
-Self-centered narcissists aren't public defenders.
We're prosecutors.
-Okay, yes, he shot me down once, but I think with
a little push, I can get him to a solid maybe.
Okay, open your eyes.
-I never closed them.
Wait a minute. I know these people.
These are all people I've served.
Oh, wait, wait, am I dying and only the most irrelevant parts
of my life are flashing before my eyes?
-These aren't just people you served.
These are lives you've changed.
-Look, I appreciate you trying to give me
a billiard ball moment,
but I like my life the way it is, thank you.
-You say you're happy all alone, ordering takeout
and stockpiling freezer meat,
but I think you could thrive here.
Don't you want that for yourself?
-Why are we talking about me? You're the one that needs help.
-Oh, I just said that to get you to come here.
-You sure about that, because last time I checked your
public defender quit, you're driving your clerk insane,
and is that ketchup on your robe?
-I'll have you know that might be twin blood.
Look, I'm just trying to do the right thing,
and if people aren't on board for that, that's on them.
-Your problem is that you think being right matters.
Yeah, good judges decide what's right.
Great judges convincepeople.
That's what made your father so special.
When he wasn't zapping people with joy buzzers
or stuffing springy snakes into everything.
Because of that man, it was a decade
before I could eat a canned nut.
-So now you want to talk about the past?
-If you don't like what I have to say,
next time you find an address in a box,
why don't you just leave it there?
-Sure, because keeping things boxed up
seems to be your thing -- your past, your feelings,
you've put your whole life in a box
and won't let anyone in. -Wait, hold on a second.
Am I in the box or am I putting things in the box?
-I kind of lost the thread. -Yeah.
-The point is,
you're afraid to open that box.
-You know what? It was lovely meeting you,
and good luck with the saving the world thing.
I am sure that it's gonna happen any day now.
-I'm gonna pretend you're being sincere,
and there's nothing you can do about it!
-I tried everything! Following the money,
police psychic, unlikely partner to a dog,
going undercover as a teen.
-How many of those did you actually do?
-You're missing the point -- all this work,
and I came up with jack diddly squat,
which incidentally, is a name on the board.
This guy is a criminal master mind, like --
like a Hannibal.
Or it's "Fight Club."
Maybe I really am Gary Buttmouth.
No, no, no, no.
I gotta hurry up and stop me before I do something
I can't even believe I'm capable of.
-Are you gonna tell her it was you?
-My job isn't exactly fulfilling,
so I've got to find ways to keep my brain from eating itself.
You're not gonna rat me out, are you?
-No.
You've got to cool it, though.
I've already lost a public defender.
If I lose a bailiff, you might be next.
-Knowing my luck, I might just end up in a later court.
-So if court clerk isn't your dream job, what is?
-Oh, no. No, no, no.
You're not doing that thing to me.
-What thing? -That thing where you
ask questions and dig deeper
and turn a simple jaywalking charge
into a full-on therapy session.
I mean, I'm glad Ellie made a major breakthrough.
She can't be the son her father always wanted her to be,
and that's his issue, not hers.
And why do I know any of this?
-Yeah, I guess I'm always looking for what's
going on underneath.
My dad used to do a lot of magic tricks,
and whenever I asked him how they were done,
he would say, "It's magic."
Drove me crazy.
He thought if I knew how they worked,
I wouldn't like them as much, but to me,
the truth was the magic.
I feel that way about people.
It's hard not to like them once you know
what's going on underneath.
I see how that makes me a pain in the butt as a judge
and as a fan of magic.
And as an Uber passenger.
-I guess I could take a closer look at the docket,
find a little more time for digging in.
-Neil, that would be amazing!
-But just a little more, like, five minutes here and there.
-I'm hearing 10! -You're hearing five!
-Nine? -You're gonna do whatever you want anyway.
-You get me, Neil!
-Afraid to open a box.
Huh.
Well, this place hasn't changed,
right down to the guy fishing dead birds out of the ceiling.
Hey, you know what?
I wanted to ask you something.
Say a lifetime ago, you worked with a guy, right?
Had your ups and downs, but on the whole, like each other --
respected, even.
The job ends. You go your separate ways.
Life happens. You live and you love.
And you lose, big time,
so you close off your heart.
Then one day, the child of that almost forgotten guy
comes to you and asks for your help.
Would you take the chance?
Would you... open that heart up again,
let feelings in, knowing that undoubtedly,
it would hurt again at some point?
-There is a saying in my country.
"When man is holding dead bird,
tell shorter story."
-And that is why I don't open up to people.
But I am not afraid to open a box.
Oh! Harry!
Okay.
I'll think about it.
-To save time, can we just do all the public urinations
at once?
-Sure.
Guilty. Guilty.
Impressive, but guilty.
Come on, man.
-Oh, to try a case that doesn't involve genitals.
That'd be the dream.
-Your Honor, Dan Fielding for the defense.
-Wait, you -- you actually got him?
-Maybe there's a chance I'm not being catfished after all.
-We've never met, but you...
definitely are.
-Get that perfectly normal neck over here.
-Alright, look, I just want to say this one thing.
I'm only here to help out temporarily, a few days.
-I'm hearing weeks. -If you keep smiling like that,
I'm out of here right now, so just knock it off.
That's better. -Better, Your Honor.
-I'm already regretting this.
-I'd like to know how you did this.
-Maybe it's just magic. -You have no idea, do you?
-No freaking clue.
-Well, whatever you did, you pulled it out.
-Speaking of pulling it out --
Sorry, too easy.
Mr. Gates was brought in for lewd conduct.
Obviously, this man is a depraved menace
and has no place in decent society.
-Oh, Mr. Fielding, I'd just like to remind you,
you're the defense.
-Your Honor,
my client -- dare I say my friend --
is an outstanding pillar of his community
and we are wasting the court's time
with this gross miscarriage of justice.
If you'll indulge me,
I'd just like to know what's underneath all this.
-You're the judge. -No! Oh! Just...
And I left my house for this.
-It's funny!
♪♪