(CLICKS MOUSE BUTTON)
Is there much incidence of adverse reactions to...
-No. -OK. Cool.
-Hey. Shh. -You know, it's just...
You do this all the time and I don't mean any disrespect,
but she doesn't know why we're here.
And she trusts us. And we've taken her here to be...
Stabbed with a needle, so...
The most negligent thing you could do
would be to not immunise your child.
-Whoa, no, no. -No, no, no, no, no.
-We're not anti-vaxxers. -We are total science here.
-Yay! Science! -(GURGLES)
(CHUCKLES LIGHTLY) How's she going with feeding?
Um, not great.
DOCTOR: Hm.
See, I had hallucinogenic mushrooms last week
while I was feeding her.
-SANTI: Not on purpose. -OLY: Obviously.
They were my dad's new girlfriend's mushrooms.
'Cause my parents split up.
Anyway, um,
so we went to the hospital,
and I couldn't breastfeed her for a couple days
and now she'll just take the bottle.
-Which makes me sad. -(GURGLES)
I see. Is she taking solids yet?
Soon.
We, uh...we actually wanted to...
..start doing this thing called baby-led weaning.
I'm not sure if you're aware it.
Yes. I'm aware of it.
If we could just walk over here, please.
OLY: Yep.
-OK. -SANTI: OK.
-Head up this end. -Head up that end?
(DOCTOR WHISPERS) This end.
-OK. -Hey, bubs.
-OK, J. Hey. -(SANTI WHISPERS) It's OK.
Hey, J. Hey.
-(SANTI GASPS PLAYFULLY) -Ready?
-Ready? Ooh! -DOCTOR: Here we go. Very good.
Oh, you're very good at that. What's this?
-SANTI: Hey! -OLY: Hey!
OLY: Oh, that's just a scratch.
7.3 kilos. Good!
-She's not underweight? -No, right in the normal range.
-And what's that? -Average.
If we could just go over here, please.
Right thigh out, please.
OLY: OK. OK.
-SANTI: Ooh! -(GRIZZLES)
Hey, it's OK, puchita. It's not gonna hurt.
OK, let's not gaslight her. It's gonna hurt.
-OK, hold her still, please. -OLY: Yep.
Oop. (GASPS)
(SANTI GRUNTS NERVOUSLY)
(OLY GASPS PLAYFULLY)
BOTH: Good girl!
(BOTH LAUGH)
-You OK? -Yeah. I'm great.
I'm not great with needles.
Ah. Well, all done.
-(OLY LAUGHS) -Actually, I might just...
Tonight's our first party since we had her.
It's at an abandoned microbrewery.
So cool. We're so excited.
Uh, she hasn't had any fever?
Uh, no.
What's...this?
Oh, that's just a pimple.
SANTI: Mm.
(SANTI REPEATEDLY SCRATCHES HIMSELF)
Do you mind if I take a look?
-(UNEASY MUSIC) -SANTI: Whoa.
(REPEATED POPPING)
SANTI: Oi, I'll tell you what I reckon it was.
That gross, snotty toddler at library song time
who wouldn't leave her alone.
No.
She was like a walking Petri dish of bacteria and infection.
SANTI: What kind of irresponsible parent
lets their kid out like that?
Yeah. Some parents can be so selfish.
SANTI: It's ridiculous.
-Oh, how did it go... -SANTI: Stop, stop!
We have...we have a terrible disease.
-We caught it from J. -OK, it's called 'im-PET-igo'.
Oh, 'impet-IGO'. (LAUGHS)
OK, well, Mum, I'm glad that you're amused.
But it's actually a highly contagious infectious disease
that causes horrific blister sores.
Yeah. Yeah, that sounds like this parasite I got in Peru.
Yeah, the antibiotics
just napalmed my entire microbiome.
It's not the end of the world.
Now who's gaslighting?
Did you get the ointment?
Yeah, you'll be fine in a few days.
(BOWIE TAPS TABLE)
So...guess you guys aren't going out tonight.
ANGIE: Oh, no.
-So, Mum. -Mmm?
-No babysitting for you. -No.
I'm taking you out to dinner.
Oh! Did you get paid for your pamphlet run?
No, not yet.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
I was looking forward to babysitting.
-(BLOWS WHISTLE) -(PLAYERS SHOUT INDISTINCTLY)
(UMPIRE BLOWS WHISTLE)
-UMPIRE: Obstruction, pink! -Obstruction?!
-Come on, ref! -UMPIRE: Resetting!
All right, Cherry Bombs, pincer move.
(PLAYERS SHOUT INDISTINCTLY)
-Three minutes. -(UMPIRE BLOWS WHISTLE)
GIRL: Come on, Zac.
-Yep. -ZAC: No. Yep!
Vince.
-Come on, Vince. -OTHERS: Come on, Vince!
-(PEOPLE CHEER) -VINCE: Yes!
(SPECTATORS CLAP)
(UMPIRE BLOWS WHISTLE)
-GIRL: What are you doing? -(UMPIRE BLOWS WHISTLE)
Contact, green! Pink ball.
-You can't be serious! -UMPIRE: Green, stand beside.
-(LAUGHS) Oh, dude. -UMPIRE: Play!
(PLAYERS SHOUT)
GIRL: Nice, Reems. Step.
-(REEMA GASPS) -(UMPIRE BLOWS WHISTLE)
Contact, green! Pink ball.
-Are you OK? -Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
-Are you sure? -Yeah, I'm fine.
I'll help you up.
-(INHALES SHARPLY) It's fine. It's fine. -You right?
(SNIGGERS)
OK, Tonya Harding, that's how you wanna play?
Whatever, dude. (SCOFFS)
(PLAYERS CHATTER)
-UMPIRE: Play! -ZAC: Talia!
VINCE: Here, Zac, Zac, Zac, Zac!
MADISON: Here, Zac.
-(PLAYERS CALL OUT) -MAN: Go, go, go, go.
All the way!
(PLAYERS SHOUT)
All the way, all the way, all the way.
-OK, all the way. -(PLAYERS SHOUT)
-(PEOPLE CHEER) -(UMPIRE BLOWS WHISTLE)
(HOOTER BLOWS)
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
-Well done! -In your face, kids!
-(GREEN TEAM LAUGHS) -I said the pincer move.
They suck.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
All the gear, no idea.
(REEMA LAUGHS)
What is she doing?
(REEMA GASPS)
(REEMA LAUGHS)
TALIA: Oi, here's one for you, Mads.
White girl, brown hair.
May 2003. 47 bucks.
-Yeah, but my hair's pink. -You can just say you dyed it. Duh.
This is so tedious!
Let's go to Dodgy's, have a slap.
-Why would we do that, Madison? -You got a better idea?
(VINCE GRUNTS)
OK. Yep, I tap out. You win.
-(LAUGHS) -You win.
-MADISON: I win. -VINCE: Yep. You win.
-(VINCE GRUNTS) -Anyway...
-VINCE: Madison. -(MADISON GRUNTS)
-You're still coming, right? -Yeah.
-Can you rotate it? -It's fine.
We should probably strap it so you can walk.
TALIA: Do you think we'll even need ID to get in?
(LAUGHS) OK.
OK, what's funny?
It's just... Why do you have a bandage?
Mother makes me carry a medical kit everywhere.
-MADISON: She's sick! -Never know when you'll need it.
It's true.
You know, I was thinking of becoming a midwife, like Mum.
(LAUGHS)
-Seriously? -Yeah.
It's, like, the only job in health care
where you can work with people on their happiest day.
So you're gonna be a mid...husband?
Mid...bro?
No. Mid...mid-dude. Mid-dude.
Wow. Mid-dude.
No.
The correct term is male midwife, thank you very much. -Oh, OK.
I wonder where they are.
Not yet!
Madison, you're gonna peak too early.
-Good. -Mads, no!
ZAC: What do you mean, good?
-TALIA: She's doing it. -ZAC: She's doing it. All right.
-Go on, pop it. -Eh, OK. We're in.
-Oh, she's gonna film it. -We're in, we're in.
We're in, we're in. Eh!
(ALL LAUGH AND MAKE SILLY NOISES)
-(BABY CRIES) -(MADISON'S VIDEO PLAYS)
-I know you're itchy. Come on. -Hey.
(ALL LAUGH AND MAKE SILLY NOISES)
ZAC: All right, we good to go?
Well, this sucks.
I guess we better tell them that we're not going out tonight.
(BABY GURGLES)
Hey, Reema. Share with the girls.
-Thanks. I know, Mama. -Hey, is that Vince?
-(LAUGHS) -ISHANI: Hi.
Hi, Ms Malick. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too! It's not Malick.
But don't worry about that. Call me Ishani.
Ishani. Got it.
I have heard so much about you.
-VINCE: Yeah? -No, she hasn't.
(LAUGHS)
Would you like to stay for a bite?
-That would be lovely... -No, thank you, Mum.
-We're good. -(LAUGHS)
OK.
Enjoy your night.
-MADISON: TNs. -TALIA: Check.
ZAC: TNs, check. Thank you!
-I should have worn sneakers. -You should have worn your sneakers! -Yeah, as if you didn't!
OK, so what else?
Ooh, I can get some vodka from my dad!
Snap! Go!
-I'll call Tone. -Dial-a-Cone. Boom!
Now, do you want to split a pill with me?
I have a pretty strong attachment
to this version of reality, thanks.
-Ew, why? -Could ask why you don't.
You're at risk of being a killjoy, Quinn.
VINCE: So your dad's from Pakistan?
Yeah. He's Muslim.
-Mum's Hindu. -Oh.
Why did they split?
They were two different people, I guess.
It was never gonna work.
-VINCE: Oh. -(PHONE CHIMES)
Oh, excuse me?
Yeah, we'll just head to the food court,
get some bubble tea, maybe look at a few shops.
You girls and your shopping.
I know! We just love it.
Must be something to do with our wombs.
Whoo!
(WHISPERS) Fuck.
Are you OK?
Absolutely great.
Lovely to see you, Mr Annan.
Lovely to see you too, Madison.
MADISON: Mm.
Mm.
REEMA: Oly! Santi!
SANTI: Doin'?
We're not feeling very well.
-Oh, boo! -Hey, guys.
You cannot seriously be flaking.
Sorry.
I'll just say it - you guys are dangerously close
to becoming a smug couple
who don't even care about your friends anymore.
OK, personally, I would rather be anywhere else than here right now,
so, just saying.
Why, then?
(WHISPERS) We have an awful bacterial infection.
What?
MADISON: I want to run... to Marrickville.
-(PHONE RINGS) -Phone. Oh look, phone.
OK.
MADISON: No, no. M-E-T-H.
-We have an infectious rash. -We caught it from Baby J.
-Ew! -Do you know what kind of infectious rash?
OTHERS: Ew!
SANTI: Yeah, thanks, Vince.
It's called impetigo. OK, everyone?
School sores. They'll be out for days. Let's just go.
Man, your baby is such a drag.
Also adorable. No offence, J.
Call us later?
ZAC: OK. Yeah, yeah, OK, OK.
OLY: What happened to your ankle?
(BABY CRIES)
-No? -Yeah, it looks pretty bad.
(GASPS DRAMATICALLY) Oh! I am so shipping that!
-Yes! -(OTHER KIDS SHRIEK AND LAUGH)
-Funny. -TALIA: So, tell us.
Are you two together?
-Uh, we... -You look so in love.
Yeah, sir, that shirt is fly as...
-Thank you, Vince. -TALIA: OK, OK, bring it in, guys.
Bring it in, guys. Bring it in.
-MR HANOVER: Guys. -TALIA: Feel free to kiss.
-Guys, come on. -TALIA: Everyone say...
(KIDS SHOUT RAUCOUSLY)
Can you guys please just fuck off?
Harsh but fair, Ms Tan. Harsh but fair.
-Let's go, y'all. -VINCE: Great day, sir.
I love this for you two.
ZAC: Come on, let's go, Mads.
TALIA: Girl, hurry up. Come on.
(SIGHS)
My system is to start with the straight edges
and the corners,
and then you can work your way into the middle.
I don't really want to do this puzzle.
I'm itchy, Oly, and I'm... (SCRATCHES)
Yeah. Me too.
Do you want to watch a movie?
Can't believe I'm stuck here all night.
It's just so dinky.
Thanks for the ringing endorsement
of the pleasure of my company.
Do you want me to be stoked that we can't go out tonight?
No.
I just think worse fates have befallen people
than being stuck with their girlfriend and their baby,
and you're actually being kind of a dick.
(MADISON SHRIEKS AND LAUGHS)
(VINCE IMITATES REVVING ENGINE)
Flying!
(VINCE IMITATES DECELERATING ENGINE)
-Wait, are you two a thing? -No. Not a thing.
Oh, I need to piss.
(OTHER KIDS CHATTER NEARBY)
-We're coming to land. -No.
Landing safely.
-Thank you for joining... -(WHISPERS) Down, down.
Whoo! (LAUGHS)
-MADISON: Whew! -(SIGHS)
(LAUGHS) Madison's pill's coming on.
Yours too, huh?
No. We're not...
She's really great. You guys should hang out.
(KIDS CHATTER AND LAUGH NEARBY)
(FENCE THUDS)
Sorry, boys.
I could work with the fanny packs
but I draw the line at that mullet.
-Your TNs. -ZAC: Yeah.
They're the new-season chartreuse colourways.
There's literally no way.
-Man, they're girls's shoes. -Yeah, obviously.
-Give me the shoes. -Bitch, please.
I slung kebabs to drunk homophobes for weeks
to buy these fine ath-leisure sneakers,
and, what, you think I'm giving them to some numpty eshay
and his notably thicker friends?
(KNIFE CLINKS)
-(MELLOW POP SONG PLAYS) -(MICROWAVE BEEPS)
SONG: ♪ Do you feel it too? ♪
Pizzas are almost ready.
♪ You seem to know you're just like me... ♪
(SIGHS)
So what are you doing?
Would you say that you could describe
my basic philosophy of life?
Would you say you could?
♪ Would you help me step away? ♪
What about my life plans?
Um... (SIGHS)
Universal high school education,
work for the UN, make the world 15% better.
♪ You know how much you're... ♪
Pretty good.
Could you describe my life plans?
I didn't know that you had any.
(OLY LAUGHS)
-Come on. -OK. Striker for L'U.
And comic book illustrator.
Yeah, OK. Nice recovery.
(SONG CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
(CHIMING)
(MICROWAVE BEEPS)
(SIGHS)
MADISON: My shoes suit you better anyway.
(DANCE MUSIC PULSES FAINTLY)
QUINN: Are we nearly there? This place is, like...
Me too.
QUINN: Where did Zac and Mads go?
TALIA: I don't know.
QUINN: You think Zac's OK?
TALIA: Oh, OK, here we go. Here they are.
You OK, Zacky?
Yeah, I'm perfect.
(ALL CHATTER AND WHOOP HAPPILY)
(DANCE MUSIC PULSES NEARBY)
(SIREN WAILS BRIEFLY)
(KIDS SHOUT)
(SIREN WAILS BRIEFLY)
-VINCE: Reema, run! -I can't!
You two! You two!
You been at that party?
No.
Apparently that wasn't our destiny tonight.
You carrying anything?
-Eyeliner and phone. -New shoes.
You been drinking?
-You're underage. -No.
You can breath-test me if you like.
I'm gonna need to search you.
(LAUGHS)
(INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
(PEOPLE CHATTER NEARBY)
Well, can't find anything.
Were you hoping to, sir?
POLICE RADIO: Standing cars to assist towards Vaucluse.
Well, move on, then.
Registration X-Y-Z-5-6-7.
Copy that. Travelling.
You OK?
Could have gone worse.
-ZAC: Hey! -You idiot!
Run your own risks!
How was I supposed to know he was gonna pick 'em up?
He almost got arrested!
TALIA: OK, Reema, chill.
The party's back on and I am not wasting this outfit.
So let's get a ride, OK? Let's go.
(REEMA SIGHS)
We should just go home, maybe?
Nah. No way.
Come on.
Hop along.
-(DANCE MUSIC PULSES NEARBY) -(KIDS CHATTER AND LAUGH)
Partay?
ZAC: How could anyone complain? Look at this view.
-Wait! -Oh, it's Maddie!
TALIA: Why does she have a dog?
Why do you have a dog?
-Dude! -MADISON: Hi!
VINCE: Hi.
-(MADISON LAUGHS AND SQUEALS) -Where did you find this guy?
MADISON: Hey!
Oh! You guys are the best!
Oh, my God, I'm dying of thirst.
-(ALL CHATTER) -MADISON: Oh, a dance floor!
-Dance floor! -Yes!
ZAC: Do it!
He'll learn how to dance.
Come on, boy.
SONG: ♪ A classy bloke with a half-full cup
♪ But I came out just for you
♪ I got you
♪ Beer in the cupboard Your eyes to mine
♪ You skipped my queues and my lines
♪ Buy me a drink and my eyes glaze over
♪ I got you
♪ And I don't care about the things I have
♪ I got you
♪ I don't know what but it feels like something
♪ I got you
♪ Beer in the cupboard and your eyes to mine
♪ You skipped my queues and my lines
♪ Walk in the room and I start blushing
♪ I don't know what but it feels like something
♪ It's no secret you're my number one
♪ And just tonight we're out for fun
♪ Buy me a drink and my eyes glaze over
♪ I got you
♪ And I don't care about the things I have
♪ I got you
♪ And I don't want anybody else
♪ I got you. ♪
I think, you know, I was reading this article in the 'Guardian'
about perimenopause being, like,
a really challenging time for women.
-Like, are you OK, Mum? -Mmm!
-How is de facto/divorced life? -Yep, I'm fine. I'm good.
-Boyfriend? -No.
-Or girlfriend? Not to presume. -No, no.
You know? No? Why not? You know?
Like, it's not healthy for a woman of your age
to be alienated from her sexuality.
Mm-hm. OK. Thank you, Bowie.
I will give that advice its due weight.
I just think, you know...
'Cause Dad's moved on, right,
so, like, you know, it's probably been a while for you.
Though there was that whole Santi's dad thing.
-But you're not still... -No, I'm not.
-No. That's probably good. -Mm-hm.
-I imagine that would've been a bit weird. -Mmm.
You should get on Bumble.
I'm serious. No, no, no.
Like, you've still got a few good years.
(LAUGHS) Oh, that's very generous of you, darling.
I'm just saying don't sell yourself short.
You know?
-You're a dish, Mum. -(LAUGHS)
(DANCE MUSIC PULSES)
SONG: ♪ Turn, turn a little bit
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey... ♪
Nicholas Whittaker, you get over here right now!
(ALL JEER)
(ALL LAUGH)
Get in the bloody car.
Nicholas Whittaker, get here now!
(BOTH LAUGH)
Sorry, on what planet
are the 'Thor' movies better than 'Jojo Rabbit'?
That's bonkers.
Wow. Well, agree to disagree, ma'am?
-Mmm. -Thank you.
What? Taika?
Are you speaking to us through this dog?
(LAUGHS) It must be past Taika's bedtime.
Yeah.
(DANCE MUSIC PULSES NEARBY)
We should probably find the owner of this dog.
Also, how's your ankle?
Oh, you guys are so in love!
Can't you just fuck and get it over with?
(VINCE HALF-LAUGHS)
-We're just friends. -We're not together.
I need to piss. Can you guys come with?
(MADISON URINATES)
Do you want me to go?
Nope.
(SIGHS)
My dad sold my laptop. (STOPS URINATING)
REEMA: What? Why?
Pokies.
(MADISON CONTINUES URINATING)
Fuck, this is crazy. I cannot stop pissing.
(MADISON CONTINUES URINATING)
She's finally down.
What the hell?
(SANTI SIGHS)
We're so gross.
(GASPS)
That's disgusting.
(GENTLE MUSIC)
Whoa. I think that stings.
-Oh, God! -(GROANS SOFTLY)
(GENTLE MUSIC CONTINUES)
Ol...
I don't care where I am, as long as it's with you.
Oh, no, that definitely stings.
(OLY LAUGHS)
Oh, far out.
(SHOWER RUNS)
-Sorry! -Ow!
VINCE: Reckon it could be time to head home now, hey, Mads?
I can't stop thinking about how porn stars' parents would feel
if they saw it, you know?
They probably had dreams for their children, right?
VINCE: Mm, mm.
That probably didn't include an arse-play orgy
on a pay-per-view site.
-Mate, yeah. -Ooh.
(LAUGHS) Mads!
You're OK. You're all right. You're OK.
Yeah, no, I'm taking her home, yeah.
Oh, hey, what about our...
-Sisters before misters. Sorry. -Bleh.
-(TALIA LAUGHS) -(MADISON GROANS)
-I guess we have a dog now? -I guess we have a dog.
Come on, boy.
(BOY RETCHES)
You ever think about how
if Santi and Oly never accidentally had a baby,
we wouldn't have talked?
(LAUGHS) We go to the same school.
-We might have. -You hated me.
I did not hate you.
-I just didn't know you. -Mmm.
Also, you were a bit of a dick.
-Debatable. -(LAUGHS)
Personally, I am very grateful for Baby J.
You and your babies, Mr Midwife.
I love babies.
I want to have heaps of kids.
When I was little, before we moved here,
I had heaps of, like, brothers, sisters, cousins everywhere.
How about you?
I always wanted a sister or a brother,
especially when Mum and Dad were miserable
and hating each other,
so that sounds nice.
Yeah. I meant how many kids do you want?
Hypothetically speaking,
three?
-Four? -(PHONE CHIMES)
Hold on.
Found the owner.
(LAUGHS) His name's Dooby.
-(PHONE BUZZES) -(BOTH LAUGH)
Hold on. Santi's calling me.
(PHONE BLIPS)
Oi! Doin'!
(LAUGHS) Look who it is!
-You guys were supposed to call us! -Yeah.
Bro, it's been a hectic night.
-What are you guys doing? -REEMA: Just talking.
-Oh. -BOTH: What are you talking about?
-Growing up. -Having kids.
Oh, well, then, Santi and I
are uniquely qualified to comment.
-(LAUGHS) Yeah, true. -So spill.
Well, I would like to have heaps of kids when I grow up.
Maybe three for me one day?
Uh, how about you guys?
Oh, yeah, I mean, we want to have heaps of kids.
-We started early... -I don't want any more kids.
What? None?
OLY: I didn't want Jacinda. You know that.
-That's a little bit different. -I'm 16!
Um... Yep. We better let you guys go.
Yeah, it's a bit late.
All right, catch youse.
-See ya. -Yeah, all right.
(BABY GURGLES)
Well, hope Oly's OK.
I'll call her.
This is me.
-I'll walk you. -It's just up there.
Plus, you have to get Dooby back.
(LAUGHS)
Text me when you get home, yeah?
('JWE' BY BISA KDEI)
(SIGHS)
What do you reckon, Dooby?
Let's go. Home?
Let's go.
(BISA KDEI SINGS IN AFRICAN LANGUAGE)