BIRDSONG
GEESE HONK
♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la...
♪ Alec Norman is a... ♪ GEESE SCREECH
Girls... Sing it!
♪ Six geese a'laying... Five gold... ♪
Decorations on the tree, twins.
Oh, look at that! All right, elves?
Mm. Eh. ALL: Mm...
Right, let's phone Mariette. Yes.
BOTH: Mm! Exciting!
Primrose, stand by with your "aw-ee-aw-ee aw-ee-aw". No, no.
No, I'm not speaking French until I've mastered it.
That's how you learn, by getting things wrong, innit?!
Look at the wheel - they tried all shapes and sizes.
Erm, oh... er, bonjour.
Mademoiselle Larkin? INDISTINCT
Larkan?
Leu-keeng-sound?
WOMAN SPEAKS FRENCH
Parlez-vous Anglais? That'll do it.
No, Pop... CALL ENDS
They put the phone down. Huh?
Oh, well... You know Mariette, she'll ring us.
Yeah, but I want her here. Our first Christmas without her.
Bloody France.
No excuse for language, apologies.
Where's the bleeding swear box? HE CHUCKLES
Charley may have run off with a Parisian hussy
and Mariette's started drinking inordinately from a chagrin.
Primrose, can you cut down on your novel-reading, please?!
Look, are we downhearted?! THEY MUTTER
Well, we are a bit, but... Come on, Oscar, eh...
Give us a smile. OSCAR BELCHES
There you go. LAUGHTER
Oscar...
♪ I saw three ships come sailing in
♪ On Christmas Day On Christmas Day
♪ I saw three ships come sailing in On Christmas Day in the morning
♪ And what was In those ships all three... ♪
Oh, hello, you Fothergills!
Seasonal whatsits, Mr and Mrs Larkin!
Bet that makes a nice change. Riding a couple of woolly mammoths.
Have you Larkins been burgled? They've struck again.
What, another burglary in our dear little village? How dare he!
When we catch him, we should be allowed to punch him repeatedly.
Or you could pray for him.
He got Edith Pilchester last night. No!
Oh... Edith! A moment of your precious, darling.
Come on, spill the sad beans. Yes, it's, well...
Is it absolutely ghastly?
That's exactly what it is.
What did they get away with? Nothing of value.
Well, I have nothing of value.
But the picture frame given to me by my fiance Piers
before he was, you know...
No, what?
Alec! Ignore him.
Killed in the war! Oh.
Still, no time for ennui, it's all go in the village hall.
How's the panto going?
Very well. Oh, no, it isn't!
SHE SCOFFS, ALEC LAUGHS
It's no secret that Norma is livid at being ousted as director.
Aren't you, dear? Well, it's about time.
Edith's been waiting for years for her chance.
I just fear for the village.
♪ Christmas Day in the morning
♪ I saw three ships come sailing in
♪ On Christmas Day On Christmas Day... ♪
We all know who did the burglary. We mustn't jump to conclusions.
Yeah. Innocent until proven giggly.
Ambrose Nunn did it. You don't have to be Hercule Poirot.
Or the other one, Marple.
He's done time for burglary. Sits in his weird house
on the edge of the village, hating decent people.
Probably hiding from people like you, Alec.
You divide people, Alec -
some dislike you, others sort of hate you.
♪ Here we come A-wassailing among the leaves...
♪ Here I come a-wassailing Among the leaves of green... ♪
Mrs Batty, stop now, you're embarrassing yourself.
Well done, that songbird. SHE CHUCKLES
POP WHISTLES
Hello Mr Larkin. PC Harness. Is your Sarge in?
Lord love you but, you know,
I prefer a copper who's started shaving, know what I mean?
He's gone down with the dropsy again, so I'm in charge. Right.
So, what shall we do about these burglaries?
Yes, I'm investigating.
And what have you got so far?
A number of items seem to have been removed from a number of houses.
Well, I can see I'm in capable hands (!) Yes.
Listen, I'm not one to judge but are aware that Ambrose Nunn
has got a police record as long as Southend Pier.
Yes. I-I'm... going to see him now, on my bicycle.
Right... Maybe you should wait for Sergeant Plummer to come back. Why?
Well, I like Ambrose, we go way back,
but he's had a tough old life
and he's not averse to thumping folk.
I'm not scared of anyone. Well, that's good,
but you were beaten up by the Froggatts' 12-year-old.
She had a stick. Even so, you may want help
if you're gonna accuse Nunnsy or try and bring him in.
I might wait, then. Yeah. Good.
Erm, Pop... Yes?
Could you put it about the village that I'm really brave?
Any particular reason?
I'm in love with Pauline Molloy and I really need to impress her.
Oh, yeah.
Someone's nicked your bike, haven't they?
Yes. You wanna get the police onto that.
POP CHUCKLES
Merry Christmas, everyone. Merry Christmas.
EDITH: 'Try to have a bit more fun with it.'
MISS CHAND: 'I'm more interested in Cinderella's struggle
'for domestic justice.'
Well... don't be. Let's move on.
I'm not querying the virgin birth
but may I explore my feelings with a short monologue?
No, dear, it's a simple Nativity, albeit swaddled in a pantomime.
Twins, where's your fellow shepherd? He's not coming any more.
He said his costume made him look silly.
It did actually. He's right.
Really silly. And we've lost a king. Ringworm.
What?!
Well, er, let's run through the scene
of Mary and Joseph knocking on the door of Hardup Hall.
My time is nearly come. Please, do you have a spare room in your b...
Sorry, can I get a less bulky foetus?
Greetings. Mr Delamere. We're honoured.
Why are you here?
Well, you know, I thought I'd drop in to offer my expertise
as what's laughingly known as "a professional actor".
Are you not working at the moment?
Well, as you know, I wouldn't normally touch am-dram
but I'm happy to help with a small role, at Yule...
to spread the joy. Oh, that would be lovely.
Twins, we've found you a replacement shepherd.
No... I was thinking more of a cameo, as, perhaps...
God?
King?
Yes, I think I can make king work.
Forgive me if I appear rather woebegone...
I-I was burgled today... Oh, I'm sorry. Me too.
It's upsetting. I lost a very precious...
Fortunately, they missed all my awards.
Miss Pilchester... are there other kings?
Yes. Three in all. It's a Nativity.
Don't mind me. I'm just seeing how it's all going.
Let's carry on. KNOCKING
Beard, Joseph. You two have been busy.
Yes, and no...
Oh, oh! Oh.
Ooh! Oops!
Oh, dear.
PRIMROSE: 'I feel sorry for Miss Pilchester.
'I think it'll be a theatrical fiasco.'
Mm... and it's taken so long for her to get her go from Norma.
I hate to pigeonhole, but it's like...
the Good Fairy taking on the Wicked Old Bag of the East!
THEY LAUGH
Shh. Shh-shh.
HE WHISPERS: Ma. Ma. Noises. There's been burglaries.
Shh.
DOOR CREAKS
Mariette! MA GASPS
Oh!
Mariette! LAUGHTER
Oh, my, my! Oh-ho-ho-ho!
Mariette! MARIETTE SQUEALS
THEY LAUGH
Wait, wait, wait... no Charley? Oh, no.
Ah, Charley! THEY CHEER AND LAUGH
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Charley.
He wanted you to see me first. Hello, Ma.
Merry Christmas! Oh, it's so good to see you all.
Monty, you've grown at least a foot in six months.
Why didn't you tell us you were coming?
Didn't you get our postcard?
Brigitte Bardot in a bikini, holding a snake? No.
We've had the most fantastic time. Paris is...
Oh! How do you say it in English? Oh, here we go.
Ajoutez deux lettres a Paris, et c'est le paradis.
You can't argue with that.
How long are you back for?
We're back for good! THEY CLAP AND LAUGH
That is great news.
Well, don't just stand there, kids, come and get these suitcases.
That's it. There you go. Go on.
Come here! Come here! That's it, girls, well done.
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
That's what I like to hear,
mindless tittering from the young lovers.
We parents could be on fire and they'd never notice.
I was actually just saying I want to meet Charley's mum and dad.
Oh... we all do.
Oh, we could invite them over! Yeah.
Oh! Ooh... Erm, erm...
There's no rush, really...
No. No. No. Ma's right, get 'em up here tomorrow.
Christmas Eve, posh lunch! Yes. Blinding idea.
I'll get Primrose to strangle a goose. Erm...
Well, just to warn you, they are still alarmed
that I gave up a career at the Tax Office
and took off with a girl, so... Ah, well, that's totally normal.
Bog-standard. Well, they, erm, they also...
have reservations about me living in the countryside so...
Charley they'll be fine. We'll make them so welcome.
My dad said that if we wanted his only child to waste his education
and live on a farm, that we would have stayed in Nigeria.
So, maybe we should give them a bit longer
to get used to the idea.
Sorry it's so last-minute, but we'd love to invite you over
for a festive Christmas luncheon, tomorrow.
QUIETLY: He says it's rather short notice.
It is. Our apologies -
we're as mad as a box of penguins, we Larkins!
QUIETLY: They should make some sort of device
so we can all hear what's bein' said.
He says, nonetheless, he and Mrs Charlton
would love to see their son
since he's been away so long... doing Lord knows what.
I bet.
You should stay for the whole Christmas!
No, they don't wanna do that.
We understand.
Well, how exciting!
So the performance in front of the whole village is tomorrow.
Don't panic. Even though... there is cause for panic.
May I have your attention, please? Of course, you can act it like that,
but... I wouldn't... Listen to your superior officer!
Thank you, Brigadier.
Prince Charming, do remember you're a man,
I'm still getting an overwhelming sense of woman.
I am what I am. That's like... asking a bell not to ring.
Well, do your best. Conversely, Ugly Sister,
can you magic up some more femininity?
No, I-I fear I'm up to my limit.
Although I have been experimenting at home with this,
which I notice the ladies do...
You need to be a bit more sensitive...
No, don't do that. Kings... Nobody asked you to...
Stop, stop. What's happening? Mr Binns feels
Mr Highwater is upstaging him by swinging his cup of frankincense.
Why does he think that? I told him he was being upstaged.
It is a matter of professional etiquette.
CLATTERING I am leaving, this is ridiculous.
Did you engineer that argument so you could be the only king?
Amateurs! What a monstrous imputation.
Can we have real sheep? No, I'm struggling with the humans,
I don't need a pack of defecating animals.
I'm sorry.
Do go now, and let's hope this comes together tomorrow.
I'm sorry, Miss Pilchester, we're letting you down.
It's my fault, I've looked forward to this for too long,
and it's going to be absolutely ghastly.
Maybe it's not important.
Not to you, perhaps, but people like me,
who have no family, rely on their village to give their life meaning.
This was my chance to create something memorable.
A Christmas feast, rather than the chilly meal for one which is my lot.
CHAIRS CLATTER AND SCRAPE
Good night, Norma. Good night, Alec.
ENGINE REVS
TYRES SCREECH
CRASHING, ELECTRICAL FIZZING
ELECTRIC SPARKING
LAMP FIZZLES OUT
CLICKING, SHE SIGHS
Oh, no!
Yes, a burglary during the night.
My husband, Mr Norman, is so furious he's unable to speak.
ELECTRICAL FIZZING
And now they seem to have stolen the electricity.
ROOSTER CROWS
Power cut! We love power cuts!
We don't even know what electricity is!
Well, your show's not gonna be able to go on
if there's not light or heat in the village hall.
Maybe it's just as well. Cor!
Dear-oh, it's a bit dark in here, innit?
Let's crack open some leccy. CLICKING
Oh, no.
That'll put a kink in Christmas if they don't fix it, eh?
Victoria! Yes, Pop?
Get that genny going, can you, love, please?
It's a Christmas Eve calamity if they don't restore the power soon.
It is. The whole village is out.
My stove's electric. Ever tried eating raw sausages?
No. Sorry.
How are they? I managed it but they're not a patch on cooked.
We'll have to go and stay in my chum Jasper's castle for Christmas.
Well, you're annoying. Oh, isn't that pretty?
Let's not worry about the fire risk.
Right, now, something special for the Charltons.
Word is they can't repair the electricity sub-station
till after Christmas.
Any news about the power? The power cut?
The light, the heat, the power, can they fix it?
Oh, no. Do the show after Christmas.
It's not like anybody cares.
You can't really do Nativity after Christmas. Horse has bolted.
Yeah, even better, don't do it at all.
We've got a generator, you can do it in our barn.
Oh, could we? If we move up there now,
we could squeeze in a dress rehearsal and then the show.
Er...
Do we really want a pant-ivity on our premises
when we're trying to impress Charley's parents with a posh lunch?
Yeah, but we can't let Edith and the village down.
We'd be helping them.
By all accounts the show is gruesome.
Yeah. Well, it always is beforehand, and then it turns out brilliant.
If it turns out brilliant, I'll eat my hat... and my coat.
Of course, we insist that you put the show on in our barn!
You're both lambs. See you later.
That is quite a face, Alec.
Hope you got a nicer one, seeing as it's Christmas.
We were burgled last night by Mr Nunn.
He got away with a host of treasured knick-knacks.
You're determined that it's Ambrose. Who did it, then, Santa?
A dissident elf? Or maybe it was you.
Right, time to sort this out.
So, on an average day I must risk my life,
what, half a dozen times?
You're full of it. Full of valour.
See? I'm the perfect boyfriend
because I provide security, literally.
Yeah, I'm not ruling you out. I like a uniform.
I prefer firemen, but...
Do you wanna... blow on my whistle?
You never know.
Merry Christmas, trouble. You too, Pop.
I hear Mariette's back. Yeah, and I want you two to get along.
You've been butting heads like angry goats for far too long.
And I'd put that tongue back in before it freezes hard.
Now, then... got any more clues?
No, I'm clue-less. HE CHUCKLES
Well, we can't put it off any longer, can we?
Folk are getting upset. It'll ruin their Christmas.
Do you wanna start in the obvious place? Ambrose Nunn?
Uh-huh. Can you come with me?
ENGINE CLATTERING
Start!
They'll be here soon! Is it nearly ready?
From the Place Vendome to this.
HE GROANS
Oh!
Monty, napkins.
ENGINE TICKS OVER, STARTS
It's just that we didn't even know
you were returning from France, Cedric.
I'm sorry. Life has just been so overwhelming since I met Mariette.
Mum, she is just so...
WHEELBARROW CLATTERS
WHEELBARROW CLANGS
dirty.
Oh, erm... Mother, Father...
this is Mariette. Hello.
She scrubs up very attractively. Oh, but as we Larkins say -
"No point in washing... only get mucky again!"
HE CHUCKLES
Hello. Good day to you.
Welcome! I'm Florence, but everyone calls me Ma.
I'm Ginika... but everyone calls me Mrs Charlton.
No idea why... am I that scarifying?!
May I utilise your latrine?
Oh, if needs must and nature calls, Brigadier.
MA CHUCKLES
There's a power cut in the village and we have a generator,
so they've relocated the Nativity to our barn.
How delightful, a Nativity.
Combined with a panto - more of a nativi-tanto.
Make it more interesting.
More interesting than the story of the birth of Jesus?
Oh, no, I don't think she means more interesting. Just, er...
just more, er... More of an excuse to swap gender
than you'd usually find in a panto... Nativity.
I'm sure it'll all be very respectful.
Might I provide you with a snifter?
Oh, no, no, no. No, they don't drink. No.
We would welcome a cup of tea. Oh, of course. No, please,
do sit down by the fire and I will proceed with the luncheon.
I would be very willing to help. No, no, no, no, please...
No. No. My family will all entertain you.
My husband appears to be detained... on important work in the village.
Come on. Come on, hurry. Can't be late.
Excuse me, Charley, thank you.
Well, the show must go on!
So... Montgomery will entertain you.
Er...
Let's all play poker for money. No! No. No.
Mother and Father don't gamble.
Nor, nor do we! Mm.
KNOCKING ON DOOR
Merry Christmas Eve, Ambrose. Pop.
Good day to you.
What's up? Oh, this and that.
How's the little 'uns? Eh?
Oh, here they are! Nelson, how are you doing, son?
Christine, what have I said to you about being too adorable?
POP CLEARS THROAT
Ambrose, could we have a chin-wag? Does he have to come in?
Yeah, no, he's a good lad.
He's more likely to get a bit tearful than to arrest you.
Hello, Mr Larkin. Oh, Roy! Blimey. Look at you.
All of a sudden I turn round, you're a bloke.
I brought something for you kids, as well, look...
Merry Christmas, Christine, Merry Christmas, Nelson.
Lovely to see you. And...
Ena, come on, crack open a smile, it's Christmas, darling.
So... a question, Ambrose, nothing controversial...
we come in peace.
Are you doing the burglaries in the village?
PC Harness here wants to know.
What burglaries?
Well, do muck in, constable. Erm...
Yes, there's been a few around the village.
And, well, you have some form. So, I thought that maybe...
Don't hit a copper, love. Ambrose... Hello.
I thought you, of all people, would be on my side, Pop.
I want to be, Ambrose. I do.
I'm just here to flush out the truth, is all.
Well, how can I prove I've done nothing wrong?!
Not easy. But folk are talking.
And if you are doing the burglarising,
well, this is me warning you to stop.
Or if you know who's doing it... get them to stop.
POP GROANS
Look, I'm sorry, Pop, but I've had it up to here.
Nobody gives my family a break. I can't find any work.
The whole village hates me... well, us.
And they always will.
Blimey, do you know what? I've gotta go.
It's my daughter's boyfriend's parents are coming over
and animals have laid down their lives for lunch, so I've...
Please... stay for tea. No-one ever visits.
Oh...
I'll just see how the show's going.
We missed you so much, Cedric.
We loved your occasional letters, you write so well.
She's a pretty one, your Mariette. Where's she gone?
I... I imagine she's washing the dung off.
Where is everyone? It's very rude.
Yes, well, they're usually so friendly.
In fact, everyone's friendly down here.
DOOR OPENS If you...
Ooh, hello.
Oh, don't mind me, I'm just a toff in search of a lav.
Welcome back, big boy. Hi.
Mm... you could have had me.
Er, as...
The next bloke I shared a cell with
used to tear his toenails off in front of me
just so he could go to the sick bay. That's terrible.
I tell you, you've really opened my eyes.
I mean, it's a disgrace,
incarcerating people just cos they've nicked things.
Well, look, Ambrose, I gotta go.
I'm sorry you've had a bad few years, mate...
but all the more reason for you to look to your future.
And thanks, Ena, really appreciate it,
but you and Ambrose,
you need to stop sitting in here and feeling put upon, right?
You've got no idea, Pop.
People move towards you, they move away from us.
Why don't you come to the panto in our barn today at three o'clock.
What, so the whole village can sneer at me and my kids?
No! So they can see that you are good people.
Well, good-ish.
Come on, eh? It's grim out there, innit?
The shop's gonna be shut, the whole of village will be at our place.
Could be a new start.
See you.
God bless you.
DOOR CLOSES
Wow, what a super family!
I guess we need to look elsewhere for our burglar, Pop.
Looks like it. Any ideas?
I have my theories. What are they?
Don't you worry your tiny little pointy head there, constable.
If I play my cards right, the village...
will have its stolen goods back in time for Christmas.
POP CHUCKLES Well, come on, jump in.
CAR DOOR SLAMS
FOOTSTEPS
Ta-da!
You have cooked for the whole of Kent.
Yes, well, we do overdo it sometimes.
Sit down, Ma.
She's normally so relaxed.
Yes, well, it's not every day
that you make your daughter's boyfriend's parents' acquaintance.
I promise you, we're just here to get to know you, not to find fault.
MOTOR BACKFIRES, ELECTRICITY FIZZLES
VICTORIA: Oh, come on, you arsy...! Oh, that's Victoria.
She's working on the generator.
She is a mechanical genius. CHARLIE CHUCKLES
And Montgomery is painting the scenery.
Ooh! What an artist!
Stand back, Renoir, there's a new guy in town.
Sorry everyone's so distracted.
Yes, I don't know where my husband is.
I do apologise for his absence.
Cedric informs us that he is a pillar of the community
and also a purveyor of antiquities.
MARIETTE SCOFFS
Well, it's more of a junkyard, really.
You find me amusing?
Why did you exaggerate the truth, Cedric?
No, it's not. I...
I just know that you like people to be respectable.
My husband's respectable.
We all are. Mm-hm.
POP: ♪ Oh, cockle-doodle-do
♪ Got nuffin to do with you
♪ It's a jolly fine cock
♪ But it's all I've got... ♪ Excuse me.
♪ A cockle-doodle-do
♪ Cockle-doodle-do It's got nothing to do with you
♪ I put me cock under me arm... ♪
Must you?! THEY CHUCKLE
♪ Cockle-doodle-do! ♪
Where've you been?!
Been trying to solve these burglaries, Ma.
Well, don't! Find a policeman.
Yeah, I tried that an' all.
It's ruining folks' Christmas, you know.
You want to see ruined?! Huh?
We are re-enacting the War Of The Roses in there.
HE MOUTHS: Don't worry! Go in.
A million apologies,
I've been having tea with a very angry burglar.
Hello, there's lovely, look,
the two very loins that came together
and created our Charley boy!
Don't say loins. Imagine you're the Queen.
Shall we lighten the mood? Sherry? Cocktails? No! No.
Thank you, no. No, no, don't be shy. Vodka?
Everyone loves a bit of Russian.
No, no, no. You're right.
Something a bit more sophisticated.
What about a bottle of Burgundy? Been laying down for years,
needs opening and giving a good seeing to.
FART AND GURGLE
Pardon! Both ends. Just to be clear, that was the baby.
I've seen enough. We should be heading home.
No, Sylvester, loosen your tie, relax now.
We haven't really talked.
MA: And there's the nativity... type thing,
in our barn, to see this evening.
Word is, it's gonna be magical.
HE SIGHS
HE GROANS
CHATTER
Performance in half an hour.
Good luck, everybody.
Where was I? Oh, yes, so, I went to my local amateur troupe
and the leading lady, Marcia Fulcrum, chiropodist by day,
walked into the scenery and it promptly fell on her.
Oh, there's danger everywhere.
Another difference between professional and amateur theatres -
the pros can walk and say their lines at the same time.
This may be amateur, you patronising clot,
but there's nothing that a bit of effort and belief wouldn't fix.
I don't want to care what Norma Norman thinks,
but if this goes badly, she will remind me for the rest of my days -
on the street, in church, at every committee meeting.
Kill me now.
We did take a sharp intake of breath
when Cedric said he was quitting the tax office.
But, you know, it's just...
Then he's spent six months in France doing nothing.
Oh, we weren't doing nothing.
MA CHUCKLES Course they weren't!
Young and in love, in romantic "Paree".
Pop and I never got out of bed the first few months,
and we were in a caravan in Sheppey. Not half!
Here, and you loved working in that bar, you two, didn't you!
CEDRIC SIGHS
Oh, have I blundered in again? You can't take me anywhere, can you?
It was more of a posh restaurant, really.
We've never seen so many fancy omelettes!
Yes! Un oeuf! Enough. Yeah!
THEY LAUGH
Ah, dear.
So, you swapped your career in accountancy
in order to carry plates?
I'm afraid my husband is very much a traditionalist.
No, I'm a realist. We are a family of good repute.
I want to keep it that way.
Ah!
They'll need food. More words, Victoria.
Like I say, she is brilliant with machinery.
But hates a long sentence!
The audience.
Oh. POP: Good point, Victoria.
Especially as the power cut has knocked out electric ovens
right across the village.
I'll make refreshments, don't worry. I'll help you.
Oh, no, I couldn't possibly ask you to.
Why not? I'm sorry, but don't be so proud.
It is a deadly sin.
Yeah! I mean, why don't you two get to know each other,
you know, sharing a kitchen?
I'm sure you've got a lot to teach Ma, Mrs C.
I knew it was a bad idea, them coming!
Well, we can't keep our families apart forever.
Found it!
Primrose...
Now I'm Mary.
Sorry!
If my parents hadn't got on with you,
I'd have said that's their problem, cos it's you I love.
Oh! Oh, I love you.
So much.
You seem scared of your dad. Stand up to him.
Ooh. You've got strong opinions.
You're the most intelligent person I know.
Oh, thank you.
Apart from Primrose. What?!
Speak your mind. Be honest with him.
I would love to, Mariette, but it is not that simple with fathers.
He just sees through me.
I... I am a part of him.
I'm not.
And I like a challenge.
I'm gonna make sure he doesn't leave here
until we've won him over.
Hello and welcome to the Near East.
Please don't smoke,
because this place could burn down in seconds.
Edith, darling, your words cut me to the quick.
I've become a monster,
a mountebank trapped inside a painted doll.
No, I'm sorry. My mouth ran away with me.
You know, this is now the biggest challenge of my theatrical life,
bigger even than my Tartuffe,
bigger than my Bottom in Stratford.
Miss Pilchester, we think we should use real sheep,
especially because, well, this is their barn.
Ah, no, I fear a calamity.
Besides, the magic of theatre will make what we have look real.
Glass of mulled wine?
This will help take the edge off our ordeal.
Oh, yes, your beastly burglary!
No, the production. Indeed.
They'll have to go some to match your shows, Norma.
What was it the Mid-Kent Times called your Mikado?
"Sturdy." Thank you, Alec.
But I'll take no pleasure
in Edith Pilchester's loss of face
and social standing.
Would you like to sit at the back,
so the actors can't hear you both tutting?
HE TUTS
May I have your ticket, please, Vicar?
I don't have to pay.
I'm the production's religious advisor.
Er...
A glass of mulled wine? Thank you.
Oh.
Oh, please.
I'm not sure the village is ready for what you're cooking.
Really?
Oh!
I mean, I hope so.
But round here, we're only just getting used to lettuce.
THEY CHUCKLE
Mr Charlton, can I get you anything?
No, thank you.
Cup of tea? Bible?
Stiff-backed chair?
Some choral music on the gramophone?
No, that will not be necessary.
I'm sorry I gave you the impression I don't take your views seriously.
Truth is, you and I believe in the same things.
What do you believe in?
Prudence, justice, temperance and fortitude.
Me too.
That's my big four. How lovely!
In that case, do you believe in chastity before marriage?
Very much so.
We Larkins may seem laissez-faire because it's the country style,
but in fact, we're highly moral.
Shall we join the Nativity?
I hasten to add the Larkins aren't responsible for the content.
Except for the respectful bits.
Hello, do you have tickets?
Um... no.
So, that will be one pound, one shilling.
I don't have that much.
Can I pay half now and the rest another time?
No, that would be massively bonkers.
ALEC NORMAN: Either pay up or leave!
We vote leave!
Please.
I can't deviate from the rules without authorisation
from the Ticket and Refreshments Committee.
We'll have to go. Come on.
Hello Ambrose! Ena, wait.
Sorry, Pop said you were coming,
I'm supposed to be looking after you.
Move up a bit.
Oh!
Long ago, there lived a young woman named Mary.
Me.
And me, Cinderella.
I am engaged to be married.
And I have a family I could cheerfully kill.
LAUGHTER
And we are both about to embark on our greatest adventure.
How lovely to be home.
WIND WHISTLES
Afternoon, Roy.
What are you doing here?
Well, I tipped you off that this shop was gonna be closed,
because, well, I had my doubts about you.
And I wanted us to talk about it before you got in any deeper.
I'm taking what we need, I don't care what you have to say.
You're a good lad, and you think your family deserve a Christmas.
Don't you? Yeah, but not like this.
I mean...
what would your mum and dad say,
hey, if they knew you were here,
about to bugger up your life before it's even started?
I don't care. We're all tired of having nothing.
No presents and bad food.
Look, put that stuff back, right,
then what we'll do is return all the swag that you've got.
And then we'll find a way to get out of this, eh?
Oh, Roy.
How did you come by that?
Burgled it off that Indian army bloke.
I'll use it!
Well, you're gonna have to, in't ya?
Cos I'm going nowhere until I've talked you out of this.
COCKS GUN
And if that's got bullets in it,
I'm a Dutchman.
BANG Ah!
You ever been to Amsterdam? Lovely in springtime.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
CEDRIC CHUCKLES
Tonight feels special.
Yeah, there's something in the air.
Where are the sheep?
Oh, no, we had one job to do!
LAUGHTER
As you can see, it's a very supportive village.
I'd say that's second only to its... fortitude.
Or its... prudence.
So, this is the charm she used to conquer my son.
Mm...
'Scuse me.
You probably think you're the only one
who's a victim of prejudice, you know, treated badly,
about as welcome as a turd in a jug of Pimms.
So, tell me I'm wrong. No, you're not wrong.
But also, you're not alone.
Do you think this village welcomed me and Ma with a parade?
Dinky little place like this with its landed gentry
and its Alec Normans and his judgements and his assumptions?
No. Me and Ma, we had to work hard.
Made some money.
Fell in love with the place, but loved the people -
the Miss Pilchesters, the Brigadiers, even the Vicar.
You can talk all you want, I've got nothing to lose.
Yes, you have, Roy.
You've got a loving family.
Do you know how precious that is, huh?
You're gonna get caught, son.
You will.
And everyone'll say, "Told you so! See that Roy Nunn?
"He's just a chip off his old dad's block."
Come on, Roy, put the gun down, eh?
Before you do yourself a nasty.
Or me, more to the point.
Cos see, I've got seven kids and a Rolls Royce to support!
BANG No!
MUSIC: 'Beans and Cornbread' by Louis Jordan
♪ Bean and cornbread... ♪
It's all wrong, you cooking, a guest.
Don't start that again, Ma.
The least I could do is make a contribution,
as today's been rather awkward.
Yes, and the truth is, our men haven't shone.
Pop's normally good at people,
but he's had a tin ear for you two.
No, it's my husband - he's more fun than he looks,
but he's buried it. He fears he's losing his son.
I've told him, "Stop sulking!"
Well, it must be harder when it's an only child.
I recommend having half a dozen.
MA CHUCKLES
We are sad that Cedric seemed to forget us.
But I forgive him more easily than his father.
Ooh!
But this looks beautiful.
Well, you understand, like me,
food is the best way to get people to come together.
So, there's still hope for us all!
THEY CHUCKLE
It's the interval, Mrs Larkin.
Oh, Libby, how is it going?
Oh, passably well,
but it's fair to say refreshments will help the mood.
Ah. That's not going to go down well.
Oh, yes it is!
♪ Beans and cornbread. ♪
APPLAUSE
Come on, let's go play outside! Yeah, let's go play!
You from around these parts? No.
What do you want to know? I've got all the gossip.
Tell me about the Larkins.
They eat a couple of geese a day,
Ma and Pop can't keep their hands off each other.
The kids basically live outdoors.
Pop's so canny, he's literally sold coals to Newcastle.
They all watch two tellies every night till closedown.
Pauline, our Prince Charming and Mariette fight like cats.
It's all "trollop this, floozie that".
I've got more. Shall I go on? No. Please don't.
For all you poor people with no power at home
to cook your Christmas food - feed your faces.
Look at that! Lovely.
Goodness me, is there gonna be enough to go round, I wonder?
That's it. Lovely.
That's wonderful, Mrs Charlton. That's a beautiful thing.
That's it. Lovely, Mrs Charlton.
Thank you.
Right, well, this won't do.
Mrs Fothergill, try this. Er...
I don't really want to.
Yes, you do! Charley's mum made it.
Get outside it, come on.
Kentish ingredients with a continental treatment.
Mmm! Actually, that's delicious.
What's that taste?
Minced beef, flour and some spices from my grandmother's kitchen.
Wonderful!
Mmm! Mm!
Thank God for that, something with a bit of flavour.
Careful.
Tuck in! Your turn.
Form an orderly queue.
Now, we've got a few new things here...
Father.
Ooh, I am not good at confronting people,
especially you, but...
Well, no, let's not call it confrontation,
let's call it... open-but-nice chat.
Oh, are you enjoying the show?
I can take you backstage afterwards if you'd like, meet the stars.
Terrible out there!
They've shut the railway station.
What?!
The points are frozen.
Cedric? So, how are we going to get home?
Sylvester, it's an adventure.
I don't want an adventure.
I'd prefer a quiet Christmas with my loved ones.
Fine, I'll drive you home in Pop's car after the show.
Thank you.
It will be nice to have you home for Christmas... on your own.
HE SIGHS
Could your husband not bear to watch the show, Mrs Larkin?
Fear not, Norma, he's on a mission.
He'll come bouncing home any moment.
Well, that wasn't exactly a masterclass
in getting your point across. What about you?!
Goodness, Dad saw your toadying a mile off.
I mean, you might as well have... have... have worn a toad costume!
What?!
I'll tell you the worst thing. I'm worried you'll turn into him.
He's not that bad!
Argh! I mean, maybe we are all a bit too self-indulgent.
Argh! Oh, no, it's started!
What?
This is... This is our first lovers' tiff.
A family row. That's so Christmassy.
I know!
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
Look, he's my dad, I'll sort it out.
Good.
HE SIGHS
AUDIENCE GASP
Hasten to Bethlehem,
where the son of God will be born imminently.
What will we do with the sheep?
What sheep?
LAUGHTER
Oh, have they gone again?
Oh, there they are!
SHEEP BLEAT
But we can't just abandon them.
So, come and tend to them.
The night is serene, as though the world is waiting.
There it is before me,
a magical place.
A moment in time,
a coming-together, seemingly insignificant...
but not.
Our spark of humanity,
burning brightly.
Hello, kiddies!
I hope you're all having a lovely time.
There you go, kiddies. Lunch!
The black things should be liquorice,
but check before you eat - this is a barn!
VICAR: Over here!
AUDIENCE: Yay! Lovely kiddies!
♪ Silent Night
♪ Holy Night
♪ All is calm
♪ All is bright... ♪
I'm worried.
Pop wouldn't miss this if something bad hadn't happened.
♪ Holy infant so tender and mild
♪ Sleep in heavenly peace. ♪ Where is he?!
I'm so tired and so happy,
as though I've given birth to the whole world.
Maybe there is something to this religion thing.
Greetings.
I have travelled far,
and come with gifts for the baby Jesus,
of gold, of frankincense and myrrh.
That'll be useful (!)
LAUGHTER
And the best gift of all is a new beginning
and the joy of Christmases to come!
APPLAUSE
Bravo! Bravo!
Thank you. You're so kind.
It looked like it would be absolutely ghastly.
You see, Norma, that's a show. I can't see you being asked back.
Good. More time at home with me.
No, not good, Alec!
Bravo!
Oh, sorry I missed the show, everyone.
Could you do it all again, please? LAUGHTER
I'm game. Anyone else?
Lovely to see you, Mr and Mrs Nunn.
Now, don't you leave it so long next time.
Thanks, Pop. Merry Christmas.
The rest of you, you're all very welcome to stay over.
You've got no electrics at home.
There's plenty of nosh and booze and hay.
MA CHUCKLES
Norma and I would rather lose a nose to frostbite
than stay with the Larkins.
Oh, well, if you're sure. Yeah, please yourself.
EDITH: You're too kind.
Pop... What?
Which toe did Roy shoot off?
Oh, the middle.
Hospital reckons that ain't one of the important ones.
It'll remind him what an idiot he was. Not half, yeah.
It was so nice to see Ambrose and his family not hiding away.
Let's hope no-one ever hears
that is was one of them that did those burglaries.
Ma, it was all Roy.
Even his dad didn't know.
I mean, I've trusted the kid to return what he stole
by tomorrow, anonymous, like.
He'd better not let me down. No.
It'll ruin folks' Christmas if they don't get their things back.
TYRES SCREECH, CRASH
Oh, goodness, what is that?
Especially Edith.
Oh, yeah. What a lovely day for her, though.
She's planning to do Nativity: The Opera next year.
Maybe we should go away.
THEY CHUCKLE
That was the best acting I've seen in my life.
The things men will say to get in my... good books.
No, I mean it. You were... strong but vulnerable.
Really, though? Yes.
And I can't let you leave, sorry.
Why's that? Safety grounds.
Looks like they've just crashed their car.
Change of plan. We will stay.
Easy, Norma. Small sips, as discussed.
Or what, you'll drive me into a hedge?
Oh, no, you already have!
SNORING
HE SIGHS
Here, Ma, those Charltons are good people, in't they?
Mm-hm.
Ginnika's a darlin',
but the old man's a tougher nut to crack.
Do you think we should say something?
No, absolutely not.
Tell you what we should do,
just let Mariette and Charley sort it out.
Come on, come on.
Oh, I love it when you need me.
And off you go. I know it sounded like a good idea
to get Charley's parents along, but it's been a disaster!
I want us to be happy and obsessed with each other,
like we were in France when it was just us,
but now I've had my first proper row and I feel all...
MARIETTE GROANS
I think you know the answer.
Being with someone can't all be wine and roses.
Sometimes there's nettles and bladderwort in with the roses.
Leave Charley to sort out his own family, trust him.
You follow your heart, my darling, and enjoy Christmas Day.
Shouldn't you be taking the Christmas Day service, Vicar?
My chaplain will do it. I can't risk getting stuck in the snow.
Or missing a hot breakfast.
Erm... Oh, Charley.
We love you, Charley, and you're very bright.
Not as bright as Primrose, apparently.
It's not a competition. So, you'll know the saying
"Walk a mile in someone else's shoes."
Mm-hm.
Well, I don't think you've tried
walking in your dad's footwear recently.
Thank you, Ma!
You're welcome.
So, tell him how you feel.
I should not need to tell him.
He's in love. He's not normal.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Yes, come in.
Hi.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas.
Come on, Dad, enough of this.
Right, well...
Well, firstly, forgive me.
You do everything for me,
and then out of the blue, I ring you
to say that I've left my job and I've moved to the country.
And then I'm in France, and I haven't seen you for months.
So, yes, is it any wonder that you are feeling sad and aggrieved?
Especially you, Dad.
Because, well, like me,
you aren't very good at expressing yourself.
And, incidentally, we both need to do better,
because, well, it's hard work for everyone else.
But I promise you I will spend more time with you,
and we can talk.
And, yes, I know I may not be a taxman any more...
That's really OK.
No, I... I will make you proud of me
for what I achieve in this lovely, lovely village.
I'm... I'm sorry.
You must have felt like I didn't care about you.
Well, you're not wrong there.
Oh, but why do you hate Mariette, Dad?
She stole our son from us.
No! No, she didn't.
Dad, I threw myself at her, and she resisted.
And she's always telling me off for how much I neglect you.
Well, if you let her...
she'll love you too, Dad.
Please, Dad.
I'm sorry.
But we're worried, son. Yes, we are.
She's prettier and quicker-witted than you.
So you'll need to work hard to keep her.
Sorry.
Shh, shh, shh, it's OK.
I know. Who's a good boy?
SHE SQUEALS AND LAUGHS
Oh, Charley!
Hello. Look at you!
You didn't... You didn't kill him, did you?
No, no. I just...
I walked in his shoes.
Oh, they love you, by the way.
Well, Mum does. Dad'll catch up.
Hello! SHE GIGGLES
Ah... You know what we should do?
Yes!
Yeah, this is as good a place as any.
No, no!
Get married.
Oh, my... SHE GIGGLES
Charley, Charley, I need your answer!
Yes.
Yes!
Yes.
Yes! Yes!
Mum, Dad...
we're getting married!
What took you so long?
Oh! Come here!
Mum, Dad!
Charley and me are getting married.
Fine by us. Yeah, yeah.
But I'm not sure Charley's mum and dad will like it.
No, they love it.
Really? Oh!
Oh, Ma, I'm so happy.
Can I apologise?
No, you can't.
You know why? You're family now.
And talking of family... Come here, you!
Bloody kids. Yeah!
Ruin Christmas, don't they?
Brilliant.
Welcome to the family. Thank you.
Brilliant, eh?
I'm off to retrieve young Roy's stolen picking's.
Norma? We're not leaving until my face stops throbbing.
Ginnika, Sylvester,
something to warm your cockles of your heart.
SHE CHUCKLES Thanks, Ma.
Thank you, Ma. Yes.
Your Reverency.
Biscuit or something?
You never say no. Alec, Norma?
Hair of the dog!
Brigadier? Ah, we could all do with a little refreshment.
Pop!
Merry Christmas, Pop!
There you go.
Ho, ho, bloody ho, everyone.
I bring you gifts.
It's all your own stuff,
but you'll be glad to get it back anyway.
What? Oh!
Edith.
SHE KEEPS KISSING
You do a lovely pucker, Edith, you really do.
Right, let's see what else I've got in my sack, eh?
Where did you find the swag, Mr Larkin?
The brave and courageous PC Harness
tracked it down to Alec Norman's shed.
I did? Yes, you did.
I did! I did.
All right, I'll keep you on.
I knew it. What?! No!
That makes total sense.
You do hate most people, Alec.
No, I love people! They're super.
Well, seeing as it's Christmas, Alec,
if you beg, maybe the law will let you off with a warning.
And next, out of Father Christmas' sack,
maestro, this must be yours.
My Hamlet.
Oh, my darling, here I am again. A man of infinite jest.
General.
My revolver!
Oh, wow! We were robbed too?
We really must keep a tidier house.
Mariette, congratulations on your engagement at last!
Oh, thank you, Pauline.
And you, on finding yourself a nice policeman!
Hm!
It will never last. I give it a week.
Why are you blubbing?
It's just so romantic. You know, the love and the snow,
two very culturally different families joining as one.
Have you been drinking, dafty?
I had a sherry, yes.
And a baby yesterday.
MA CHUCKLES
Thanks, Ma.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
ALL: Merry Christmas!
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