1
00:00:12,533 --> 00:00:14,910
If I knew now the things I knew,

2
00:00:14,994 --> 00:00:16,954
that I know now, when I was young…

3
00:00:18,289 --> 00:00:19,999
…I wouldn't have made these mistakes.

4
00:00:20,082 --> 00:00:23,210
But I have really bad news for people.
You continue to make mistakes.

5
00:00:23,294 --> 00:00:26,088
It's not like you only make mistakes
until a certain age.

6
00:00:26,172 --> 00:00:30,051
You continue to make mistakes,
and you have less excuse,

7
00:00:30,134 --> 00:00:33,387
because it's very rare that you have
the opportunity when you're older

8
00:00:33,471 --> 00:00:34,597
to make a new mistake.

9
00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:37,600
So instead you find, "I can't believe
I made this mistake again."

10
00:00:37,683 --> 00:00:39,518
-[laughter]
-"Because I knew not to make…

11
00:00:39,602 --> 00:00:42,897
The first time I didn't know,"
and so you give yourself a pass.

12
00:00:42,980 --> 00:00:46,942
Then you think, "Let's face it. This is
the 16th time I've made the same mistake."

13
00:00:47,026 --> 00:00:51,739
And that really… The repeated mistake.
The same mistake over and over again,

14
00:00:51,822 --> 00:00:55,451
what it really just proves to you is
you're bad at that thing, whatever it is.

15
00:00:55,951 --> 00:01:00,956
[rock music plays]

16
00:01:02,249 --> 00:01:03,084
[Fran] Yes?

17
00:01:03,167 --> 00:01:06,462
[man] Does the possible
environmental apocalypse give you anxiety?

18
00:01:07,046 --> 00:01:08,547
[Fran] No. I'm not that young.

19
00:01:08,631 --> 00:01:10,341
-If there's an apocalypse…
-[laughter]

20
00:01:10,424 --> 00:01:12,468
You know, it's like… [Fran laughs]

21
00:01:12,551 --> 00:01:15,554
You know, I could afford to live,
like, maybe four more years.

22
00:01:15,638 --> 00:01:18,182
[laughter]

23
00:01:18,265 --> 00:01:22,019
If I knew there was gonna be
an apocalypse, one more year.

24
00:01:22,103 --> 00:01:23,270
[he laughs]

25
00:01:23,354 --> 00:01:25,189
♪ She's over by the corner ♪

26
00:01:26,232 --> 00:01:29,068
♪ Got her hands by her side ♪

27
00:01:29,151 --> 00:01:31,987
♪ They hit her harder, harder, harder ♪

28
00:01:32,071 --> 00:01:34,865
♪ Oh, till they thought she might die ♪

29
00:01:35,908 --> 00:01:39,453
♪ Well, I got a foggy notion
Do it again, uh ♪

30
00:01:39,537 --> 00:01:42,206
♪ Over by the corner ♪
Do it again ♪

31
00:01:42,289 --> 00:01:45,334
♪ I got my calamine lotion, baby
Do it again ♪

32
00:01:45,417 --> 00:01:49,046
♪ Well, I got a foggy notion
Do it again ♪

33
00:01:51,465 --> 00:01:53,759
Did we have this many people
Public Speaking?

34
00:01:53,843 --> 00:01:54,927
-[Martin] Uh…
-[Ted] No.

35
00:01:55,010 --> 00:01:56,470
-No.
-[Martin] No.

36
00:01:56,554 --> 00:01:58,139
[loud crash]

37
00:01:58,848 --> 00:02:00,141
[Ted] Well, it's a party now.

38
00:02:00,224 --> 00:02:02,977
[Martin] I can't believe it's nine,
ten years since we did that.

39
00:02:03,060 --> 00:02:06,522
-I suddenly turn around, it's ten years.
-It wasn't suddenly you turned around.

40
00:02:06,605 --> 00:02:09,066
[Martin] No. But it felt like,
every time, it's imminent.

41
00:02:09,150 --> 00:02:10,651
Are we on? Are we doing this now?

42
00:02:10,734 --> 00:02:13,487
-[Ted] Yeah.
-[Martin] Anything. We just keep rolling.

43
00:02:13,571 --> 00:02:17,324
-I didn't know that. When did we start?
-[Martin] When they broke the thing.

44
00:02:17,408 --> 00:02:21,745
And when the guys were talking and then
we came down. We're shooting everything.

45
00:02:21,829 --> 00:02:24,206
-[laughter]
-You're supposed to tell the person!

46
00:02:28,961 --> 00:02:32,464
-[Ted] Do you have a guilty pleasure?
-No. I have no guilty pleasures.

47
00:02:32,548 --> 00:02:34,300
Pleasure never makes me feel guilty.

48
00:02:34,383 --> 00:02:37,803
I think it's unbelievable that there's
such a phrase as "guilty pleasure."

49
00:02:37,887 --> 00:02:40,556
In other words…
Unless your pleasure is killing people.

50
00:02:40,639 --> 00:02:43,184
-[Martin laughs]
-But I mean, like, I would never feel…

51
00:02:43,267 --> 00:02:49,231
My pleasures are absolutely benign,
by which I mean no one dies, okay?

52
00:02:49,315 --> 00:02:51,817
No one is molested, you know?

53
00:02:51,901 --> 00:02:55,404
And I think, "No,
I don't feel guilty for having pleasure."

54
00:02:56,155 --> 00:03:00,159
We live in a world where people
don't feel guilty for killing people,

55
00:03:00,242 --> 00:03:05,164
people don't feel guilty for, like,
putting babies in cages at the border.

56
00:03:05,247 --> 00:03:09,376
People don't feel guilty for this,
but I should feel guilty for what?

57
00:03:09,460 --> 00:03:13,297
For having two bowls of spaghetti?
You know? For reading a mystery?

58
00:03:13,380 --> 00:03:17,718
Or people, their guilty pleasure
always is the enjoyment of some form

59
00:03:17,801 --> 00:03:20,763
that is not high art, you know?

60
00:03:20,846 --> 00:03:25,893
So if you say, "Well, I really like to,
you know, read a You're A Wolf book.

61
00:03:25,976 --> 00:03:29,480
That's supposed to be a guilty pleasure.
It's a pleasure. I don't feel guilty.

62
00:03:30,064 --> 00:03:33,234
And, you know, pleasure, to me,

63
00:03:33,317 --> 00:03:35,778
especially the older I get,
the more I think,

64
00:03:35,861 --> 00:03:38,864
-"Any fun you can have, friend, go ahead."
-[Martin laughs]

65
00:03:38,948 --> 00:03:40,157
"Go ahead. Have it."

66
00:03:40,241 --> 00:03:43,619
You know, I mean, um… That's how I feel.

67
00:03:43,702 --> 00:03:47,373
I've always been a fan of fun.
I think people should have fun

68
00:03:47,456 --> 00:03:51,460
as long as fun is not something
that's destructive to other people. Um…

69
00:03:51,543 --> 00:03:55,714
If someone's answer to me,
if I ask, "Why do you do that?"

70
00:03:55,798 --> 00:03:58,842
If they say, "I think it's fun,"
that's, to me, a good answer.

71
00:03:59,343 --> 00:04:03,973
A bad answer is, "You don't really see,
you know, how important this is…"

72
00:04:04,056 --> 00:04:07,601
That's a bad answer. But a good answer…
"It's fun," is a good answer.

73
00:04:08,102 --> 00:04:14,108
[classical music plays]

74
00:04:14,191 --> 00:04:17,736
[Fran] I like parties. This is the thing
you never hear anyone say.

75
00:04:17,820 --> 00:04:21,115
Everyone hates parties,
especially when they're at a party.

76
00:04:22,658 --> 00:04:27,037
"I don't care for these balls,
but one had to come for the girls."

77
00:04:27,121 --> 00:04:30,374
And people have often said about me,
while I'm sitting there,

78
00:04:30,457 --> 00:04:33,210
"Fran likes parties,"
like it's some incredibly weird thing.

79
00:04:33,294 --> 00:04:35,170
"Fran. You know Fran, she likes parties."

80
00:04:35,254 --> 00:04:38,048
I really like parties,
because parties are supposed to be fun.

81
00:04:38,132 --> 00:04:40,884
It's like movies when I was a kid.
Movies are good.

82
00:04:40,968 --> 00:04:43,137
Candy is good. Parties are good.

83
00:04:43,220 --> 00:04:45,764
I mean… [hesitates]
There's nothing wrong with parties!

84
00:04:45,848 --> 00:04:51,645
[classical music plays]

85
00:05:01,155 --> 00:05:06,827
I mean, the last time I saw The Leopard
was a less restored at the Ziegfeld.

86
00:05:06,910 --> 00:05:12,124
And when I went to see it at the Ziegfeld,
I was, if not the only person,

87
00:05:12,207 --> 00:05:15,210
one of a few people who were not
movie directors who were there.

88
00:05:15,711 --> 00:05:19,048
I looked around, and it was like
the last time I saw Richard Pryor.

89
00:05:19,131 --> 00:05:22,843
When I saw Richard Pryor at Town Hall,
everyone in the audience was a comedian.

90
00:05:22,926 --> 00:05:25,929
I went to see The Leopard,
everyone in the audience was a director.

91
00:05:26,430 --> 00:05:27,598
So you like films?

92
00:05:28,098 --> 00:05:29,433
Movies? I love movies.

93
00:05:29,516 --> 00:05:33,145
Do you go to the movie theater,
or you just watch them at home on DVDs?

94
00:05:33,228 --> 00:05:36,690
Well, as I said recently,
I don't go to the movie theater very much,

95
00:05:36,774 --> 00:05:39,068
because I cannot stand my fellow man.

96
00:05:39,151 --> 00:05:40,861
[audience laughs]

97
00:05:40,944 --> 00:05:43,238
-Talking to the screen and stuff?
-[Fran] Yeah.

98
00:05:43,322 --> 00:05:47,451
Talking on their phone, talking,
eating three-course steak dinners.

99
00:05:47,534 --> 00:05:48,869
-[audience laughs]
-I mean…

100
00:05:48,952 --> 00:05:51,497
I have a DVD player that someone gave me.

101
00:05:51,580 --> 00:05:53,957
-It's not hooked up to the television?
-No, it's…

102
00:05:54,041 --> 00:05:56,251
-Actually, Mr. Scorsese gave this to me.
-Right.

103
00:05:56,335 --> 00:05:59,797
It's a little one that you're supposed
to be able to just watch on your sofa,

104
00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:01,673
but it's pretty complicated.

105
00:06:01,757 --> 00:06:03,425
[audience laughs]

106
00:06:05,427 --> 00:06:08,263
-[woman] How did you two meet?
-[Fran] Oh, how did we meet?

107
00:06:08,347 --> 00:06:10,182
-Do you want to tell her?
-Do we know?

108
00:06:10,265 --> 00:06:11,350
-No. [laughs]
-No.

109
00:06:11,433 --> 00:06:13,102
[laughter]

110
00:06:13,185 --> 00:06:17,231
People have often asked me
how did I meet Marty, and I, um…

111
00:06:17,314 --> 00:06:18,190
I don't know.

112
00:06:18,273 --> 00:06:21,026
Um, and so I'm assuming
I met him at a party.

113
00:06:21,110 --> 00:06:24,196
And why do I think that?
Because I go to a lot of parties.

114
00:06:24,279 --> 00:06:27,449
-John Waters' 50th birthday party?
-No, I already knew you then.

115
00:06:27,533 --> 00:06:28,867
-You knew me before.
-Yeah.

116
00:06:28,951 --> 00:06:32,788
I do know that I knew Marty
for a long time before I knew him well,

117
00:06:32,871 --> 00:06:36,250
because although I go
to a lot more parties than Marty,

118
00:06:36,333 --> 00:06:40,712
which is why Marty's made a lot of movies,
and I haven't written a lot of books, and…

119
00:06:40,796 --> 00:06:42,256
[Martin laughs]

120
00:06:43,006 --> 00:06:47,970
But, you know, I did notice
that whenever I saw Marty at a party,

121
00:06:48,053 --> 00:06:50,597
we would spend the entire time
talking to each other.

122
00:06:51,849 --> 00:06:55,227
So I was up all night, Marty, because
I drank coffee all night last night.

123
00:06:55,310 --> 00:06:57,855
And that movie that I asked you about once

124
00:06:57,938 --> 00:07:01,608
with Cary Grant, called Penny Arcade,
was on in the middle of the night.

125
00:07:01,692 --> 00:07:02,734
Penny Serenade.

126
00:07:02,818 --> 00:07:05,904
-Yeah, Penny Serenade. You ever see this?
-[Ted] I've never seen it.

127
00:07:05,988 --> 00:07:10,617
There's no Cary Grant movie
where Cary Grant is less Cary Grant.

128
00:07:11,535 --> 00:07:14,413
[Martin] The thing was,
at that time, he was trying to do roles

129
00:07:14,496 --> 00:07:17,583
so that he could
break out of the Cary Grant persona.

130
00:07:17,666 --> 00:07:21,378
He only got one Academy Award nomination,
for None but the Lonely Heart.

131
00:07:21,462 --> 00:07:24,256
But in any event, that was an attempt.
George Stevens.

132
00:07:24,339 --> 00:07:26,717
[Fran] George Stevens, yeah.
I saw him once.

133
00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:29,178
I was walking down Madison Avenue.

134
00:07:29,803 --> 00:07:32,431
Must've been in the '80s.
He was an old man already.

135
00:07:32,514 --> 00:07:36,810
And I noticed as I was walking
down the street that people were stopped.

136
00:07:36,894 --> 00:07:41,231
And walking up Madison Avenue
is Cary Grant

137
00:07:41,315 --> 00:07:45,152
in a white linen suit
with his white linen hair,

138
00:07:45,235 --> 00:07:46,820
and he's, like, glowing.

139
00:07:46,904 --> 00:07:50,324
-[Martin] Mm-hmm.
-And he just… So I thought, "That's bad?"

140
00:07:50,407 --> 00:07:51,825
-[Martin laughs]
-I mean…

141
00:07:52,409 --> 00:07:53,911
[Martin] Okay. Allora.

142
00:07:54,661 --> 00:07:56,705
Andiamo. Run it.

143
00:07:56,788 --> 00:07:59,625
When I was a child,
air-conditioning was not that common,

144
00:07:59,708 --> 00:08:01,877
but it was common in movie theaters.

145
00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:06,006
And, in fact, movie theaters
had these, like, banners outside,

146
00:08:06,089 --> 00:08:09,301
with letters made to look like ice cubes,

147
00:08:09,384 --> 00:08:13,138
and it would say, you know, "Air-cooled,"
or, "Air-conditioned inside."

148
00:08:13,222 --> 00:08:14,723
[Martin] Cooled by refrigeration.

149
00:08:14,806 --> 00:08:18,852
And sometimes people would just say,
"It's so hot. Let's go to the movies."

150
00:08:18,936 --> 00:08:21,021
That would be
why you would go to the movies.

151
00:08:21,104 --> 00:08:26,360
So I did really love going to the movies,
but I can't say, you know…

152
00:08:26,443 --> 00:08:29,780
In fact, I can say quite emphatically
that I was no judge of them.

153
00:08:29,863 --> 00:08:32,366
I did not judge them.
I just thought, "Movies!"

154
00:08:32,449 --> 00:08:34,284
-[Martin laughs]
-You know, I mean, good!

155
00:08:34,368 --> 00:08:36,578
Is there any movie that,
when it's on television,

156
00:08:36,662 --> 00:08:38,830
you could watch it over and over again?

157
00:08:38,914 --> 00:08:42,125
Yes, there are many movies
that I like that much, for sure. Um…

158
00:08:42,626 --> 00:08:47,047
When I was a child, there was a TV show
called Million Dollar Movie,

159
00:08:47,130 --> 00:08:50,425
and it was a movie
that they showed every day.

160
00:08:50,509 --> 00:08:52,678
They'd show the same movie
every day for a week.

161
00:08:52,761 --> 00:08:56,473
So I started watching this movie
called The Boy with Green Hair.

162
00:08:56,557 --> 00:08:57,516
This was Monday.

163
00:08:58,141 --> 00:09:03,146
At exactly 7:30, about a half hour
into this movie, I had to go to bed.

164
00:09:03,647 --> 00:09:06,692
"Please can I see the--"
"No, you have to go to bed."

165
00:09:06,775 --> 00:09:08,277
For the entire week, five days,

166
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,988
I watched the first half hour
of The Boy with Green Hair.

167
00:09:11,613 --> 00:09:15,951
I asked my mother within the last decade,
"Would it have killed you to let me see?"

168
00:09:16,034 --> 00:09:20,414
I was well into my forties before I saw
the end of The Boy with Green Hair.

169
00:09:20,497 --> 00:09:22,040
[audience laughs]

170
00:09:22,124 --> 00:09:27,796
I went to bed at 7:30, which is an early
bedtime, until I was about ten years old.

171
00:09:27,879 --> 00:09:30,757
I asked my mother,
"Why did you make me go to bed so early?"

172
00:09:30,841 --> 00:09:32,968
Because I blame this
for my lifelong insomnia.

173
00:09:33,051 --> 00:09:36,179
That I never went to bed when I was tired.
I was never tired at 7:30.

174
00:09:36,263 --> 00:09:38,849
"Why did I have to go to bed so early?"
And she said,

175
00:09:38,932 --> 00:09:43,520
"To tell you the truth, Francie, by 7:30,
I just couldn't listen to you anymore."

176
00:09:43,604 --> 00:09:45,606
[audience laughs]

177
00:09:47,733 --> 00:09:48,817
Hey, Gramp!

178
00:09:49,318 --> 00:09:50,152
[man] Aye, lad?

179
00:09:51,445 --> 00:09:53,113
[boy] I've got green hair.

180
00:09:54,406 --> 00:09:55,741
[Fran] Within this year,

181
00:09:55,824 --> 00:09:58,201
I was in the elevator
in my apartment building,

182
00:09:58,285 --> 00:10:00,162
and a little boy gets in with green hair.

183
00:10:00,662 --> 00:10:02,998
Not like a teenager who dyed his hair.

184
00:10:03,081 --> 00:10:07,502
But a boy who had a mother who not only
let him watch The Boy with Green Hair,

185
00:10:07,586 --> 00:10:09,212
but let him have green hair.

186
00:10:09,296 --> 00:10:10,881
He's like a seven-year-old boy.

187
00:10:10,964 --> 00:10:14,760
I looked at this little boy and said,
"I like your hair." He said, "Thank you."

188
00:10:14,843 --> 00:10:18,138
I said, "There's a movie called
The Boy with Green Hair. Did you see it?"

189
00:10:18,221 --> 00:10:20,223
He looked at me and went,
"No, there's not."

190
00:10:20,724 --> 00:10:21,767
[Martin] Mmm.

191
00:10:21,850 --> 00:10:24,936
I said, "Yes, there is."
He said, "No, there's not."

192
00:10:25,437 --> 00:10:26,855
I saw him a few days later,

193
00:10:26,938 --> 00:10:29,733
and I said, "There is a movie
called The Boy with Green Hair."

194
00:10:29,816 --> 00:10:31,318
He said, "I don't believe you."

195
00:10:31,985 --> 00:10:34,071
So I thought…

196
00:10:34,154 --> 00:10:37,824
I said, "Well, I'm sure you have
one of these modern devices. Look it up."

197
00:10:37,908 --> 00:10:39,201
Then I never saw him again.

198
00:10:39,701 --> 00:10:42,329
Here is something
that I actually saw in real life.

199
00:10:42,412 --> 00:10:46,541
I saw a little boy.
He must have been about four,

200
00:10:46,625 --> 00:10:49,002
which, in my opinion,
is too old to be in a stroller.

201
00:10:49,086 --> 00:10:53,090
And he had something,
a device of some sort,

202
00:10:53,173 --> 00:10:54,966
and his mother was pushing him.

203
00:10:55,050 --> 00:10:58,011
His actual mother, not a nanny,
was pushing him.

204
00:10:58,095 --> 00:11:03,684
He was looking, I guess, for directions,
and he said, "No, no, it's 23rd Street!"

205
00:11:03,767 --> 00:11:04,935
[laughs]

206
00:11:05,018 --> 00:11:07,020
[Fran] And I felt like saying, "Excuse me.

207
00:11:07,104 --> 00:11:10,482
If your son is old enough to navigate,
he's too old to be in the stroller."

208
00:11:10,565 --> 00:11:11,733
[Olivia] Yes.

209
00:11:11,817 --> 00:11:14,903
I think it's… I have no objection
to children doing this.

210
00:11:14,986 --> 00:11:19,074
Children, of course, are doing this,
because they've had it their whole lives.

211
00:11:19,157 --> 00:11:20,867
I don't think it's gonna change them,

212
00:11:20,951 --> 00:11:23,912
because they're not yet available
to be changed, you know?

213
00:11:23,995 --> 00:11:27,332
When I was a child, my father always said,
"We didn't have television."

214
00:11:27,416 --> 00:11:30,877
I found this to be of no interest.
"So you didn't have television."

215
00:11:30,961 --> 00:11:35,424
You know, I mean… "I do."
It was as simple as that, you know.

216
00:11:35,507 --> 00:11:37,509
[Ted] How do you get along
with young people?

217
00:11:38,677 --> 00:11:39,886
Well, it depends.

218
00:11:39,970 --> 00:11:44,266
I mean, little children, probably
not what you mean, I like very much.

219
00:11:44,349 --> 00:11:47,519
People are always shocked by this.
How much I like little kids.

220
00:11:47,602 --> 00:11:50,689
I like them because they're like
the least annoying group of people.

221
00:11:50,772 --> 00:11:54,693
People think they're the most annoying.
They can be very annoying, making noise.

222
00:11:54,776 --> 00:12:00,031
But they're the least annoying,
because they are the least likely

223
00:12:00,115 --> 00:12:02,743
to tell you something
you've heard a million times.

224
00:12:03,452 --> 00:12:08,248
They're not yet filled with clichés,
you know?

225
00:12:08,331 --> 00:12:11,251
So they're more original than adults.

226
00:12:11,334 --> 00:12:13,754
It gets taken out of them pretty quickly.

227
00:12:14,504 --> 00:12:17,799
And so they don't really know
what things are, so they make it up,

228
00:12:17,883 --> 00:12:20,093
you know, and they… Or they ask questions.

229
00:12:20,177 --> 00:12:24,306
They're generally not trying to convince
you they know something they don't know.

230
00:12:24,389 --> 00:12:25,932
You know, um…

231
00:12:26,016 --> 00:12:29,019
And I just find them very interesting.

232
00:12:29,102 --> 00:12:31,563
If you mean young people
like people in their twenties,

233
00:12:31,646 --> 00:12:34,274
I never really would've
thought about them.

234
00:12:34,357 --> 00:12:36,985
Even when I was that age,
I never really thought about it.

235
00:12:37,068 --> 00:12:39,905
Like some kid did come up to me once
outside a restaurant

236
00:12:39,988 --> 00:12:43,116
and said, "If you want to know
what millennials are thinking,

237
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:45,160
here's my e-mail, and you can e-mail me."

238
00:12:45,243 --> 00:12:47,871
And I said, "Why would I wanna know this?"

239
00:12:47,954 --> 00:12:50,123
But I mean…
He said, "Well, a lot of people do."

240
00:12:50,207 --> 00:12:53,293
I said, "People trying to sell you stuff.
I'm not selling anything.

241
00:12:53,376 --> 00:12:56,296
If you have a company that's
trying to sell these people clothes

242
00:12:56,379 --> 00:12:57,422
or whatever, then yes,

243
00:12:57,506 --> 00:13:02,177
I'd like to know what you're thinking.
But why would you be the person,

244
00:13:02,260 --> 00:13:04,262
out of all the millions of people
who are 20?

245
00:13:04,346 --> 00:13:06,223
What are you, the designated 20-year-old?

246
00:13:06,306 --> 00:13:10,560
There's not many upsides to being old,
as we know, but here is one.

247
00:13:10,644 --> 00:13:14,773
When you read
we're gonna be out of water in 2050,

248
00:13:14,856 --> 00:13:16,566
you first think, "Oh my God!"

249
00:13:16,650 --> 00:13:18,902
And then you think, "2050? I'll be dead."

250
00:13:18,985 --> 00:13:20,695
[laughter]

251
00:13:20,779 --> 00:13:22,697
Let someone else worry about it!

252
00:13:22,781 --> 00:13:24,866
[laughter]

253
00:13:24,950 --> 00:13:26,785
I don't know if they do it to you,

254
00:13:26,868 --> 00:13:29,037
where you have your own
actually young child.

255
00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:31,581
I don't mean a little child,
but a teenager.

256
00:13:31,665 --> 00:13:36,044
But people that age, the age
of your daughter and somewhat older,

257
00:13:36,127 --> 00:13:40,674
very often approach me to ask me
my opinion of what they should do in life.

258
00:13:41,299 --> 00:13:45,262
Like, "Fran…" And I always think,
"First of all, I don't care what you do."

259
00:13:45,345 --> 00:13:46,429
[laughter]

260
00:13:46,513 --> 00:13:49,391
They're so used to being
the center of their parents' attention.

261
00:13:49,474 --> 00:13:52,727
Anyone they see that age, they think,
"Maybe they'll help me out."

262
00:13:52,811 --> 00:13:53,645
[he laughs]

263
00:13:53,728 --> 00:13:56,565
But that would be a mistake with me,
because, um…

264
00:13:56,648 --> 00:13:58,024
[laughter]

265
00:13:58,108 --> 00:14:01,486
But what they're always asking
is what kind of artist should they be?

266
00:14:01,570 --> 00:14:05,866
But they always say, "Do you think
I should be a writer or a filmmaker?"

267
00:14:05,949 --> 00:14:09,077
And I always think,
"If I were your age, I'd look for water."

268
00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:13,456
I think you should be whatever you call
a person who looks for water,

269
00:14:13,540 --> 00:14:15,125
because apparently…

270
00:14:15,208 --> 00:14:18,628
I don't know why we ran out of water,
but apparently we drank it all.

271
00:14:18,712 --> 00:14:21,673
You know?
It's like, "We didn't leave any for you."

272
00:14:23,425 --> 00:14:28,388
[gentle music plays]

273
00:14:32,017 --> 00:14:34,060
[man] ♪ We met at nine ♪

274
00:14:34,644 --> 00:14:36,646
[woman] ♪ We met at eight ♪

275
00:14:36,730 --> 00:14:38,440
[man] ♪ I was on time ♪

276
00:14:39,065 --> 00:14:41,026
[woman] ♪ No, you were late ♪

277
00:14:41,735 --> 00:14:46,698
[man] ♪ Ah, yes, I remember it well ♪

278
00:14:48,742 --> 00:14:51,411
-[man] ♪ We met at nine ♪
-[woman] ♪ We met at eight ♪

279
00:14:51,494 --> 00:14:54,205
-[man] ♪ I was on time ♪
-[woman] ♪ No, you were late ♪

280
00:14:54,289 --> 00:14:58,418
[man] ♪ Ah yes, I remember it well ♪

281
00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:01,922
[announcer] The Xerox
display typing system

282
00:15:02,005 --> 00:15:05,175
lets you create and revise information
right on a screen

283
00:15:05,258 --> 00:15:07,135
before it's committed to paper,

284
00:15:07,218 --> 00:15:10,513
and will remember it all,
even if you don't.

285
00:15:10,597 --> 00:15:15,101
[both] ♪ Ah, yes, I remember it well

286
00:15:16,519 --> 00:15:18,563
With texting and social networking,

287
00:15:18,647 --> 00:15:20,732
e-mailing, phone calls,
how are you with that?

288
00:15:20,815 --> 00:15:23,735
Are you a texter or you talk on the phone?

289
00:15:23,818 --> 00:15:25,111
I am none of these things.

290
00:15:25,195 --> 00:15:27,030
-None?
-No. I don't have a computer.

291
00:15:27,113 --> 00:15:31,326
I don't have an iPhone
or a cellphone, iPad.

292
00:15:31,409 --> 00:15:33,244
-No cellphone?
-I have a regular phone.

293
00:15:33,828 --> 00:15:36,289
I have an address. That is sufficient.

294
00:15:36,998 --> 00:15:40,043
When they first invented computers…

295
00:15:40,126 --> 00:15:43,296
I mean, computers in people's houses, um…

296
00:15:43,922 --> 00:15:45,882
They were called word processors,

297
00:15:45,966 --> 00:15:48,802
and a friend of mine got one
and said, "You have to see this."

298
00:15:48,885 --> 00:15:51,096
I went to her house
and she showed me this thing.

299
00:15:51,179 --> 00:15:53,640
What it looked like to me,
and what it was at the time,

300
00:15:53,723 --> 00:15:55,600
was a very fast kind of typewriter.

301
00:15:55,684 --> 00:15:57,310
-Yeah.
-I didn't have a typewriter.

302
00:15:57,394 --> 00:16:00,313
I never had the old machines.
So I didn't have a typewriter,

303
00:16:00,397 --> 00:16:01,731
I wrote with a ballpoint pen.

304
00:16:02,232 --> 00:16:04,651
I thought, "I don't need this.
It's a fast typewriter.

305
00:16:04,734 --> 00:16:07,320
I don't even have a typewriter.
I don't know how to type.

306
00:16:07,404 --> 00:16:09,364
So I'm not getting into this."

307
00:16:09,447 --> 00:16:11,074
So, of course, not knowing…

308
00:16:11,157 --> 00:16:13,785
I didn't know the whole world
would go into this machine.

309
00:16:13,868 --> 00:16:15,078
-You know…
-[Martin laughs]

310
00:16:15,161 --> 00:16:18,373
So it did, but it was little by little.
I wasn't really noticing it.

311
00:16:18,456 --> 00:16:21,668
And now the whole world is in it,
and now people say,

312
00:16:21,751 --> 00:16:24,796
"And now you don't know
about these things," you know?

313
00:16:24,879 --> 00:16:28,383
But it isn't true, because people
constantly tell me about these things.

314
00:16:28,466 --> 00:16:31,094
So I know about these things.
I know as much as I want to.

315
00:16:31,177 --> 00:16:34,931
I know more than I want to.
To me, it's like the Kardashians.

316
00:16:35,015 --> 00:16:36,516
-[Martin] Yeah, I know.
-You know?

317
00:16:36,599 --> 00:16:40,520
I've never seen the Kardashians,
but I know about the Kardashians, okay?

318
00:16:40,603 --> 00:16:43,606
And that's how I feel about the Internet,
which I know…

319
00:16:44,107 --> 00:16:46,776
…in some way,
is connected to the Kardashians.

320
00:16:46,860 --> 00:16:50,905
[laughter and applause]

321
00:16:50,989 --> 00:16:53,324
All the things I know about the Internet

322
00:16:53,408 --> 00:16:55,952
are either things that people have told me
or showed me,

323
00:16:56,036 --> 00:16:57,787
because people are always acting like,

324
00:16:57,871 --> 00:17:01,166
"Poor Fran, she has no ability
to find this out. Let me show you, Fran."

325
00:17:01,249 --> 00:17:03,793
These are people,
I don't even know them half the time,

326
00:17:03,877 --> 00:17:06,421
so I'm delighted to see them
approaching me like this.

327
00:17:06,504 --> 00:17:09,716
But in the last week, two different
people, both younger than me,

328
00:17:09,799 --> 00:17:12,802
but one not much younger than me
and one much younger than me,

329
00:17:12,886 --> 00:17:15,388
one explained to me what Instagram was…

330
00:17:16,306 --> 00:17:18,558
…and the other explained to me
what Twitter was.

331
00:17:18,641 --> 00:17:21,019
And it made me so angry that I said,

332
00:17:21,102 --> 00:17:22,771
"Let me explain something to you.

333
00:17:23,271 --> 00:17:26,483
I don't not have these things
'cause I don't know what they are.

334
00:17:26,983 --> 00:17:29,611
I don't have these things
'cause I do know what they are.

335
00:17:29,694 --> 00:17:31,112
That's why I don't have them."

336
00:17:31,696 --> 00:17:35,158
So I was at a dinner party recently,
and someone was…

337
00:17:35,241 --> 00:17:38,203
There was an art dealer there.
In fact, it was his dinner.

338
00:17:38,286 --> 00:17:42,791
And he was saying that people are buying
art on the Internet and that's ridiculous,

339
00:17:42,874 --> 00:17:46,211
they don't have the experience of the art
if you buy it from the Internet.

340
00:17:46,294 --> 00:17:50,090
It's not a real art experience. I said,
"To you, it's not a real art experience.

341
00:17:50,173 --> 00:17:52,550
To people who do this,
that is their experience.

342
00:17:52,634 --> 00:17:54,344
That's what they care about."

343
00:17:54,427 --> 00:17:56,805
These are new people.
These are different people.

344
00:17:56,888 --> 00:17:59,641
They're people who call people friends
who they've never met.

345
00:17:59,724 --> 00:18:02,310
He goes, "They're not really friends."
To them, they are.

346
00:18:02,393 --> 00:18:06,773
I mean, we had a huge sex scandal here
with Anthony Weiner.

347
00:18:06,856 --> 00:18:08,525
-There was no sex.
-Yeah.

348
00:18:08,608 --> 00:18:11,402
-He lost his career in a sex scandal--
-[Olivia laughs]

349
00:18:11,486 --> 00:18:13,988
-And he didn't even get laid!
-And he didn't have sex.

350
00:18:14,072 --> 00:18:16,074
-[Olivia] Yeah.
-To me, that was astonishing.

351
00:18:16,157 --> 00:18:19,327
I mean,
if you are going to lose your career…

352
00:18:19,410 --> 00:18:22,539
At least in a sex scandal,
when you lose your career, you have sex.

353
00:18:22,622 --> 00:18:24,499
[Olivia laughs] Yeah. It's true!

354
00:18:24,582 --> 00:18:27,919
So we have sex scandals with no sex,
friendships with no friends,

355
00:18:28,002 --> 00:18:29,212
art that they don't see.

356
00:18:29,295 --> 00:18:32,757
So this is basically
a completely different sort of person.

357
00:18:32,841 --> 00:18:38,304
[woman] Okay, I have a sister who's two,
turning three, and she has her own iPad,

358
00:18:38,388 --> 00:18:41,641
and she uses this all the time.
I don't even have an iPad.

359
00:18:41,724 --> 00:18:45,603
Do you think this will take away from how
she interacts with people in the future?

360
00:18:45,687 --> 00:18:48,731
Do you think this is kind of foreshadowing
future generations?

361
00:18:48,815 --> 00:18:51,526
She said she has a sister who's two,
who has her own iPad,

362
00:18:51,609 --> 00:18:53,194
and she doesn't even have an iPad.

363
00:18:53,278 --> 00:18:55,613
-Your parents like her better.
-[woman] I know.

364
00:18:55,697 --> 00:18:59,742
Okay? I mean, I am not really worried
about the people who are two

365
00:18:59,826 --> 00:19:03,621
because the people who are two,
I will not have to deal with those people.

366
00:19:03,705 --> 00:19:06,791
I'm more worried
about the people who are 22. Okay?

367
00:19:06,875 --> 00:19:11,671
So, yes, she will be different,
that is true. But she may not be worse.

368
00:19:11,754 --> 00:19:14,048
She may be better. We don't know this.

369
00:19:14,132 --> 00:19:16,217
It's possible this will make them better.

370
00:19:16,301 --> 00:19:20,763
It'll make them better at the world
of iPads, because that will be the world.

371
00:19:20,847 --> 00:19:21,848
I believe

372
00:19:21,931 --> 00:19:26,144
that you can only really understand
people that are your contemporaries.

373
00:19:26,686 --> 00:19:29,856
That you can't really understand
people who are not.

374
00:19:29,939 --> 00:19:33,234
And so that, uh, you can…

375
00:19:33,318 --> 00:19:35,820
I profoundly understand
some people my age.

376
00:19:35,904 --> 00:19:37,739
I mean just from looking at them.

377
00:19:37,822 --> 00:19:41,284
And when I say my age, I mean
within ten years of my age either way.

378
00:19:41,367 --> 00:19:44,162
I know what their clothes mean.

379
00:19:44,245 --> 00:19:46,372
I know what they think their clothes mean.

380
00:19:46,456 --> 00:19:49,709
I know what they think they mean
when they tell me what music they like

381
00:19:49,792 --> 00:19:51,628
or what books they like.

382
00:19:51,711 --> 00:19:54,255
But I don't know this
with people who are young.

383
00:19:54,339 --> 00:19:57,717
The thing about young people
is that they all just seem young.

384
00:19:58,218 --> 00:20:03,014
And that is a really kind of ridiculous
way to categorize someone.

385
00:20:03,598 --> 00:20:04,432
[bear grunts]

386
00:20:06,142 --> 00:20:12,232
[grunts noisily]

387
00:20:13,399 --> 00:20:15,026
[growls]

388
00:20:28,790 --> 00:20:30,959
When I was young,
I used to travel quite a bit.

389
00:20:31,042 --> 00:20:33,169
I used to enjoy it more than I do now.

390
00:20:33,670 --> 00:20:35,463
Once, I went on this trip to Alaska,

391
00:20:35,546 --> 00:20:39,425
and we went to this park
called the Glacier National Park.

392
00:20:40,051 --> 00:20:45,765
So I hired this guy, his name was Bruce,
who is either a bear hunting guide

393
00:20:45,848 --> 00:20:49,102
or, if you just want to take a hike
and maybe see some bears,

394
00:20:49,185 --> 00:20:52,772
you can also hire Bruce,
and you don't have to kill the bears.

395
00:20:52,855 --> 00:20:56,985
So we're setting off on this hike.
There's, like, eight of us.

396
00:20:57,068 --> 00:21:01,281
I am maybe the least athletic,

397
00:21:01,364 --> 00:21:04,575
but it's not the heartiest group of people
on the planet Earth.

398
00:21:04,659 --> 00:21:09,414
So then Bruce brings us all together
and explains about the bears.

399
00:21:09,998 --> 00:21:13,501
"Now, if you see a bear,"
he said, "don't run…

400
00:21:14,794 --> 00:21:17,839
…because bears can run,"
I can't remember, "60 miles an hour.

401
00:21:17,922 --> 00:21:19,716
There's no way you'll outrun a bear,

402
00:21:20,216 --> 00:21:24,137
and the bear will then catch you
and eat you, so don't run.

403
00:21:24,929 --> 00:21:26,681
Just stay there,

404
00:21:27,432 --> 00:21:28,683
stand on your toes,

405
00:21:29,225 --> 00:21:31,936
put your hands in the air, and sing."

406
00:21:33,604 --> 00:21:37,317
Because the singing
is to make the bear think, "What is this?"

407
00:21:37,942 --> 00:21:41,279
And this has nothing to do, apparently,
with what a good singer you are.

408
00:21:41,362 --> 00:21:45,491
"And then the bear will, like, go away,"
says Bruce.

409
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:47,327
So I said, "Bruce,

410
00:21:48,453 --> 00:21:52,749
let me assure you
that if I saw bear, I would run,

411
00:21:53,333 --> 00:21:55,626
because I would not have
the presence of mind.

412
00:21:55,710 --> 00:21:57,670
You need
an incredible amount of discipline,

413
00:21:57,754 --> 00:22:00,715
seeing a bear
and standing there and singing!

414
00:22:00,798 --> 00:22:03,468
This is not me.
I would panic. I would run."

415
00:22:03,551 --> 00:22:05,720
He said,
"You would be attacked by the bear."

416
00:22:06,304 --> 00:22:10,433
Now, Bruce had this giant gun
in his holster. I'm not kidding.

417
00:22:10,516 --> 00:22:12,268
Like a holster, this big gun.

418
00:22:12,352 --> 00:22:13,936
And so we start the hike.

419
00:22:14,020 --> 00:22:15,813
It was a time of year

420
00:22:15,897 --> 00:22:21,235
when salmon swim a certain direction.

421
00:22:21,319 --> 00:22:23,821
-And the bears eat the salmon.
-[Martin] A big deal.

422
00:22:23,905 --> 00:22:26,949
And these streams
were filled with ripped-up salmon.

423
00:22:27,992 --> 00:22:29,702
You know, on the one hand,

424
00:22:29,786 --> 00:22:34,040
it was some sort of incredibly,
you know, natural Russ & Daughters.

425
00:22:34,123 --> 00:22:39,420
And on the other side, it was like
you see that bears, they're like people.

426
00:22:39,504 --> 00:22:43,299
When there's so much extra stuff,
they just say, "This is the part I want."

427
00:22:43,383 --> 00:22:46,636
Because they were ripped up,
like… "This? No, I don't like this."

428
00:22:46,719 --> 00:22:47,637
It was just like,

429
00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:51,015
"I don't know. I don't want that.
You want this part? I don't want that."

430
00:22:51,099 --> 00:22:53,643
There were hundreds
of these ripped-up salmon.

431
00:22:53,726 --> 00:22:56,771
The whole thing was terrifying,
but at a certain point…

432
00:22:56,854 --> 00:22:59,982
I kept saying, "You see a bear, Bruce?
Do you see any bears?

433
00:23:00,066 --> 00:23:03,277
Bruce, these salmons were ripped up.
They were ripped up by a bear."

434
00:23:03,986 --> 00:23:06,781
I was in a state of hysteria.
Really worried.

435
00:23:06,864 --> 00:23:09,200
So I was on top of Bruce.

436
00:23:09,992 --> 00:23:13,955
I had my hand on his shoulder.
I had my other hand around his waist.

437
00:23:14,038 --> 00:23:16,040
He would stop, I would stop. "Bruce!"

438
00:23:16,124 --> 00:23:19,961
If he went two feet away from me,
I would go, "Bruce? Where are you, Bruce?"

439
00:23:20,044 --> 00:23:22,255
And then Bruce said, "Fran…"

440
00:23:23,131 --> 00:23:25,091
He was quite exasperated with me.

441
00:23:25,174 --> 00:23:28,261
He said, "Fran,
I feel I have to tell you something."

442
00:23:28,761 --> 00:23:31,139
I think, "He's gonna say
there's a bear right there."

443
00:23:31,222 --> 00:23:34,100
He goes, "I have to tell you something.
I'm a married man."

444
00:23:35,977 --> 00:23:39,272
I said, "What?" He said, "I'm married.
I just want you to know that."

445
00:23:39,355 --> 00:23:44,360
I said, "The reason I'm on top of you
is not because I find you irresistible.

446
00:23:44,444 --> 00:23:46,696
-It is because you have a gun."
-[Martin laughs]

447
00:23:46,779 --> 00:23:49,115
"And because I feel that,
if we saw a bear,

448
00:23:49,198 --> 00:23:52,702
you would not stand on your toes
and sing, you would shoot the bear.

449
00:23:52,785 --> 00:23:54,912
It's what I want to happen
if there's a bear."

450
00:23:55,496 --> 00:23:58,875
I don't ever want to die
in a way that is amusing to other people.

451
00:23:58,958 --> 00:24:02,253
Because I know
that if I was eaten by a bear,

452
00:24:02,336 --> 00:24:06,007
that instead of people, when they heard
about this, thinking, "That is horrible,"

453
00:24:06,090 --> 00:24:09,427
they would think, "Isn't that hilarious?
Fran was eaten by a bear!

454
00:24:09,510 --> 00:24:11,387
Of all the people to be eaten by a bear!"

455
00:24:11,471 --> 00:24:15,099
And I thought, like,
"I do not want my death to be hilarious."

456
00:24:15,183 --> 00:24:18,102
-[Martin laughs] It's funny.
-Yeah, it would be funny, you know?

457
00:24:18,186 --> 00:24:22,231
And if I wasn't Fran and I heard that,
I would think, "That is really hilarious."

458
00:24:22,315 --> 00:24:23,983
But I don't want to die like that.

459
00:24:24,692 --> 00:24:27,737
I don't know what you asked me,
but that's the story of the bear.

460
00:24:27,820 --> 00:24:34,452
["La Dolce Vita (Finale)" plays]

461
00:24:38,456 --> 00:24:40,583
No one young enough to be in school…

462
00:24:41,542 --> 00:24:44,086
…is aware that they will lose their looks,
okay?

463
00:24:44,170 --> 00:24:46,506
This is something that doesn't happen
till you do.

464
00:24:46,589 --> 00:24:48,883
-[laughter]
-Okay? Because…

465
00:24:48,966 --> 00:24:52,261
Like, if I see someone
that I haven't seen in a long time,

466
00:24:52,345 --> 00:24:54,764
I think, "What the hell happened to you?"

467
00:24:55,264 --> 00:24:59,352
You know? And I realize that they're
thinking the same thing about me.

468
00:25:00,102 --> 00:25:02,104
The only reason
I don't think that about me

469
00:25:02,188 --> 00:25:03,773
is because I see myself every day.

470
00:25:04,315 --> 00:25:06,609
Although as briefly as possible.
But I mean…

471
00:25:06,692 --> 00:25:09,779
I found these contact sheets
that were from a shoot for Vogue.

472
00:25:09,862 --> 00:25:12,240
And I see that I had written all over it.

473
00:25:12,323 --> 00:25:14,617
I'd sent it back to Anna Wintour
and I'd written,

474
00:25:14,700 --> 00:25:17,995
"Anna, these photographs are horrible.
We have to re-shoot this."

475
00:25:18,079 --> 00:25:21,207
I looked at them and thought,
"If I woke up today looking like this,

476
00:25:21,290 --> 00:25:22,416
I'd be ecstatic!"

477
00:25:22,500 --> 00:25:24,043
[laughter]