1 00:00:04,500 --> 00:00:06,870 Hey... Carly. 2 00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:11,460 Do you want a napkin or perhaps 3 00:00:11,660 --> 00:00:14,660 a vacuum to go with all these crumbs? 4 00:00:14,860 --> 00:00:16,860 No. 5 00:00:17,060 --> 00:00:19,330 What I want is Freddie. 6 00:00:19,530 --> 00:00:22,350 What I have is queso. 7 00:00:25,150 --> 00:00:26,890 Eh... 8 00:00:29,060 --> 00:00:30,630 Eh... 9 00:00:34,700 --> 00:00:37,120 He made my knees buckle. 10 00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:38,720 Do you know how that feels? 11 00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:41,350 Girl, my knees have done things your knees never will. 12 00:00:41,550 --> 00:00:43,120 But that's not the point. 13 00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:46,890 Look, Freddie has a girlfriend. 14 00:00:47,090 --> 00:00:50,560 A girlfriend whose name I forget every time I see her. 15 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:53,050 But a girlfriend nonetheless. 16 00:00:55,250 --> 00:00:56,490 (gasps) 17 00:01:02,290 --> 00:01:03,480 What apps are you on? 18 00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:05,810 Oh, love applications? 19 00:01:06,010 --> 00:01:08,710 I've heard those can leave viruses on your phone. 20 00:01:08,910 --> 00:01:10,520 You could stand to get a few viruses, 21 00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:12,950 'cause you're not getting any from-- 22 00:01:13,150 --> 00:01:14,090 Freddie! 23 00:01:14,290 --> 00:01:15,590 And you. 24 00:01:15,790 --> 00:01:16,790 FREDDIE: Sorry to barge in, 25 00:01:16,990 --> 00:01:18,460 but can we steal some brown yarn? 26 00:01:18,660 --> 00:01:20,260 Oh, you guys are doing yarn crafts now? 27 00:01:20,460 --> 00:01:23,530 We're making a little Statue of Liberty in the original copper. 28 00:01:23,730 --> 00:01:25,300 Oh, I actually do have copper-colored yarn. 29 00:01:25,500 --> 00:01:27,270 Ah, yes. I knew I could count on you, 30 00:01:27,470 --> 00:01:28,770 my favorite crazy yarn lady. 31 00:01:28,970 --> 00:01:29,870 (laughter) 32 00:01:30,070 --> 00:01:31,050 Brown is fine. 33 00:01:32,220 --> 00:01:34,470 Is anyone gonna tell Carly she has cheese all over her face? 34 00:01:34,670 --> 00:01:36,560 'Cause I am not close enough with her. 35 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:44,520 Um, it's for my new character, Captain American Cheese. 36 00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:45,650 (awkward laugh) 37 00:01:45,850 --> 00:01:47,950 Uh, who fights crime with queso. 38 00:01:48,150 --> 00:01:49,840 (laughs) 39 00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:52,890 We'll talk about it at our story meeting later. 40 00:01:53,090 --> 00:01:54,590 Oh, um, we're gonna be kind of busy 41 00:01:54,790 --> 00:01:57,030 with this yarn thing all afternoon. 42 00:01:57,230 --> 00:01:58,700 Well, Carly is busy, too. 43 00:01:58,900 --> 00:02:01,700 We just finished filling out her new Sevens Only profile, 44 00:02:01,900 --> 00:02:04,990 and I made her seem crazy. Guys like that. 45 00:02:05,750 --> 00:02:09,540 Oh, wow. So you're actively looking for a... 46 00:02:09,740 --> 00:02:11,410 gentleman caller? 47 00:02:11,610 --> 00:02:14,100 Not necessarily. 48 00:02:15,660 --> 00:02:17,020 Well, be careful, though. 49 00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:18,520 A lot of those love applications 50 00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:21,290 can leave viruses on your phone. 51 00:02:21,490 --> 00:02:22,990 I think that is the perfect app for you. 52 00:02:23,190 --> 00:02:25,390 You're absolutely a seven in Seattle. 53 00:02:25,590 --> 00:02:26,940 Thank you? 54 00:02:28,140 --> 00:02:30,760 Yeah, I'm not just on Sevens Only. 55 00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:33,200 I downloaded Nondenominational Mingle, 56 00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:36,770 the Gorch List, Scraps... 57 00:02:36,970 --> 00:02:37,970 This bitch. 58 00:02:38,170 --> 00:02:40,440 Is that another app? I'll download it. 59 00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:44,080 No. I just got a text from Tinsley. 60 00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:45,810 Who's Tinsley? 61 00:02:46,010 --> 00:02:47,380 And why do you say her name like Madonna 62 00:02:47,580 --> 00:02:49,920 when she was trying to be British? 63 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:51,650 This girl I went to boarding school with. 64 00:02:51,850 --> 00:02:54,090 She just asked me to style her for the Net Gala. 65 00:02:54,290 --> 00:02:55,950 It's like the Met Gala but with nets. 66 00:02:56,150 --> 00:02:58,020 It's almost impossible to get into. 67 00:02:58,220 --> 00:03:01,460 Oh, because of the nets. 68 00:03:01,660 --> 00:03:04,000 This girl tormented me all through high school. 69 00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:06,030 Now all of a sudden she wants to give me a job 70 00:03:06,230 --> 00:03:07,300 I desperately need? 71 00:03:07,500 --> 00:03:08,870 Oh, she probably wants to see you again 72 00:03:09,070 --> 00:03:10,740 so she can rub it in your face that you're poor now. 73 00:03:10,940 --> 00:03:13,670 Exactly. Thank you! 74 00:03:13,870 --> 00:03:15,570 (quietly): I want to say Squirrel. 75 00:03:15,770 --> 00:03:17,340 (door opens) 76 00:03:17,540 --> 00:03:19,850 I don't want to talk about it. 77 00:03:20,050 --> 00:03:23,020 The Seattle Penny Pincher gave him a bad review 78 00:03:23,220 --> 00:03:24,520 on his last art piece. 79 00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:26,620 Ooh, I hang out with people who get reviews. 80 00:03:26,820 --> 00:03:28,990 I feel like I'm on Entourage. 81 00:03:29,190 --> 00:03:31,690 It says, "Spencer Shay has become so ensconced 82 00:03:31,890 --> 00:03:34,390 "in his one-percent bubble, he's lost touch 83 00:03:34,590 --> 00:03:36,400 with the average working man." 84 00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:38,760 That is bull crap! 85 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:40,770 There's no one more average than me. 86 00:03:40,970 --> 00:03:43,190 I'm the Maroon 5 of people. 87 00:03:44,490 --> 00:03:46,440 Comfort me! 88 00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:47,940 (phone vibrating) 89 00:03:48,140 --> 00:03:51,180 Yay! I've already got three matches. 90 00:03:51,380 --> 00:03:54,010 Oh, wow. That was fast. 91 00:03:54,210 --> 00:03:55,680 For an attractive woman under 30? 92 00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:57,770 That's actually terrible. 93 00:03:58,630 --> 00:03:59,720 * I know * 94 00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:01,720 * You see * 95 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:03,720 * Somehow the world will change for me * 96 00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:06,890 * And be so wonderful * 97 00:04:07,090 --> 00:04:11,360 * So wake up the members of my nation * 98 00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:13,030 * It's your time to be * 99 00:04:13,230 --> 00:04:15,800 * There's no chance unless you take one * 100 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:18,240 * And the time to see the brighter side * 101 00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:21,810 * Of every situation * 102 00:04:22,010 --> 00:04:23,580 * Some things are meant to be * 103 00:04:23,780 --> 00:04:27,530 * So give your best and leave the rest to me. * 104 00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:32,590 So, how you feeling? 105 00:04:32,790 --> 00:04:35,150 You ready to get under Teddy, Eddie or Betty? 106 00:04:35,350 --> 00:04:37,090 But if she rocks your world, it is not my job 107 00:04:37,290 --> 00:04:38,590 to unpack that with you. 108 00:04:38,790 --> 00:04:41,590 Harper, I'm not gonna have intercourse sex 109 00:04:41,790 --> 00:04:44,730 with some scrap off the Internet. 110 00:04:44,930 --> 00:04:45,760 That's a scrap? 111 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:49,970 He looks like a whole damn meal. 112 00:04:50,170 --> 00:04:52,970 That's him. But he was wearing glasses in his profile. 113 00:04:53,170 --> 00:04:55,240 I mean, who wears glasses one minute 114 00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:57,380 and then mysteriously doesn't need 'em the next? 115 00:04:57,580 --> 00:04:58,860 Superman? 116 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,150 Go meet your hot date while I meet my hot bully. 117 00:05:02,350 --> 00:05:04,100 Damn, she looks expensive. 118 00:05:06,230 --> 00:05:08,220 Oh, Tinsley. 119 00:05:08,420 --> 00:05:09,860 BOTH: Mwah. Mwah. 120 00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:12,160 Darling, I can see why you hired me. 121 00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:14,910 Are you going camping after this? 122 00:05:16,350 --> 00:05:18,200 You look fabulous. 123 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:22,270 Seems the headgear really sorted everything out. 124 00:05:22,470 --> 00:05:23,840 Didn't you hear? 125 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:27,170 I ditched the headgear for a full skull replacement. 126 00:05:27,370 --> 00:05:30,080 'Twas quite expensive, but not for someone as rich as I, 127 00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:32,450 what with all my celebrity clientele. 128 00:05:32,650 --> 00:05:35,750 Bey, Jay, all of the Jennifers. 129 00:05:35,950 --> 00:05:37,620 - All the Jennifers? - Mm-hmm. 130 00:05:37,820 --> 00:05:41,370 I would have thought you'd be more selective. 131 00:05:42,940 --> 00:05:45,790 Wait, so you build furniture? 132 00:05:45,990 --> 00:05:50,230 Like Jesus or a young Harrison Ford. 133 00:05:50,430 --> 00:05:53,470 Yeah, I make tables, chairs, 134 00:05:53,670 --> 00:05:55,730 stools, benches, desks. 135 00:05:55,930 --> 00:05:58,470 Which are like tables, but for office work. 136 00:05:58,670 --> 00:05:59,710 End tables... 137 00:05:59,910 --> 00:06:00,770 Well, I guess I know who to call 138 00:06:00,970 --> 00:06:02,580 the next time I go to IKEA. 139 00:06:02,780 --> 00:06:04,310 But that's not building furniture. 140 00:06:04,510 --> 00:06:06,380 That's assembling furniture. 141 00:06:06,580 --> 00:06:07,880 It was just a joke. 142 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:11,820 Oh, that's right, you said you were a comedienne. 143 00:06:12,020 --> 00:06:15,590 Tell me another joke, now that I'm ready for it. 144 00:06:15,790 --> 00:06:17,920 Well, I'm working on this new sketch 145 00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:20,460 called Captain American Cheese. 146 00:06:20,660 --> 00:06:23,530 It's about the battle between Gouda and evil. 147 00:06:23,730 --> 00:06:25,050 (laughs) 148 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:28,750 So it's not like funny "ha-ha." 149 00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:34,970 You really went nuts at that farmers market. 150 00:06:35,170 --> 00:06:36,880 I googled "regular people" and "Sundays," 151 00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:39,580 and this is what came up. 152 00:06:39,780 --> 00:06:42,210 Time for plan B. If it's average Spencer 153 00:06:42,410 --> 00:06:43,920 the people want, then it's average Spencer 154 00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:45,250 the people will get. 155 00:06:45,450 --> 00:06:46,950 I'm gonna give away enough of my money 156 00:06:47,150 --> 00:06:48,920 so that I'm no longer part of the one percent. 157 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:52,460 Wait, so plan A was: get a lot of corn? 158 00:06:52,660 --> 00:06:55,460 Well, you could always invest in your old pal Freddie again. 159 00:06:55,660 --> 00:06:57,730 I mean, this head is full of ideas. 160 00:06:57,930 --> 00:07:00,100 You know how it gets colder at night? 161 00:07:00,300 --> 00:07:02,070 Stop! 162 00:07:02,270 --> 00:07:03,840 I wouldn't want to burden you with wealth. 163 00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:05,640 Money is an evil mistress, 164 00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:07,440 and you're terrible with women. 165 00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:10,810 - Well, as the father of a daughter... - Stop! 166 00:07:11,010 --> 00:07:12,710 Freddie, that's not a bad idea. 167 00:07:12,910 --> 00:07:14,410 Night pants? 168 00:07:14,610 --> 00:07:16,680 No, that's a terrible idea, but it's a good idea 169 00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:18,180 to invest in a bad business. 170 00:07:18,380 --> 00:07:19,720 That way I'm certain to lose money. 171 00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:20,820 But how are you gonna find a business 172 00:07:21,020 --> 00:07:22,350 that you know will fail? 173 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:24,360 Will you consult trend forecasters or economists... 174 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:25,720 Stop! 175 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:28,490 I'm 11. I can find anything on the Internet. 176 00:07:28,690 --> 00:07:29,960 That's how we do. 177 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:32,330 If this goes well, I'll be so broke next year, 178 00:07:32,530 --> 00:07:34,350 I'll have to pay taxes. 179 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:40,210 So, how did it go with Tinsley? 180 00:07:40,410 --> 00:07:43,080 Awful. In high school she used to criticize everything. 181 00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:45,310 My skin, too soft. My yacht, too big. 182 00:07:45,510 --> 00:07:47,750 My rendition of the Mouse King in The Nutcracker, 183 00:07:47,950 --> 00:07:49,720 too graceful. 184 00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:50,980 Now all of a sudden, she likes everything 185 00:07:51,180 --> 00:07:52,590 I put in front of her. 186 00:07:52,790 --> 00:07:55,390 She's up to something. 187 00:07:55,590 --> 00:07:56,920 How did last night go with Superman? 188 00:07:57,120 --> 00:08:00,230 Was it a bird or a plane? 189 00:08:00,430 --> 00:08:05,000 I didn't have intercourse sex with some rando in an alley. 190 00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:08,130 You had it in your bed? Carly, he is a stranger. 191 00:08:08,330 --> 00:08:10,070 I'm giving him one more chance, 192 00:08:10,270 --> 00:08:12,470 but he's just not really my type. 193 00:08:12,670 --> 00:08:13,840 Tall and handsome? 194 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:16,270 Exactly. You know I like 'em short and nerdy. 195 00:08:16,470 --> 00:08:18,990 (robot voice): Greetings, fellow humans. 196 00:08:22,060 --> 00:08:23,880 CARLY: Hey, buddy. 197 00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:25,180 What happened to you this morning? 198 00:08:25,380 --> 00:08:26,920 I thought we were gonna shoot Taco Tina 199 00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:28,490 doing her taco taxes. 200 00:08:28,690 --> 00:08:32,420 She's trying to claim guac as a dependent. 201 00:08:32,630 --> 00:08:34,090 Sorry, no time to stop. 202 00:08:34,290 --> 00:08:36,900 We're almost up to the brown yarn crown on Lady Liberty. 203 00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:38,800 Tomorrow we start knitting the huddled masses 204 00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:41,800 yarning to breathe free. 205 00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:43,340 Well, it seems like you made a little time 206 00:08:43,540 --> 00:08:47,060 to pick up some Froyo for you and your fro-ho. 207 00:08:47,860 --> 00:08:49,170 Yeah, a little, uh, mint chip 208 00:08:49,370 --> 00:08:51,110 for me and my little mint chippie. 209 00:08:51,310 --> 00:08:53,980 Mint chip? I thought you were more of a coconut, 210 00:08:54,180 --> 00:08:55,880 passion fruit, peanut butter with gummy bears, 211 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:57,880 marshmallow sauce, bagel chips kind of guy. 212 00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:00,720 Yeah, Pearl saw the baby Mr. Peanut commercial, 213 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:02,020 and now she doesn't feel like 214 00:09:02,220 --> 00:09:04,840 peanut butter is vegetarian enough. 215 00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:08,460 Okay, well, I'm sure we'll get to Taco Tina 216 00:09:08,660 --> 00:09:11,260 when you're finished with your yogurt. (chuckles) 217 00:09:11,460 --> 00:09:13,600 - And your arts and crafts. - Right. 218 00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:16,920 And being a father to Millicent. 219 00:09:18,790 --> 00:09:20,510 Hi, Carly. Sorry I'm late. 220 00:09:20,710 --> 00:09:22,940 Oh, hey, no problem. The streets are a mess. 221 00:09:23,140 --> 00:09:24,840 I hate winters in Seattle with all the... 222 00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:27,100 - Murder. - What? 223 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:29,970 So, how's the Froyo here? 224 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:32,650 Well, I used to have this favorite flavor 225 00:09:32,850 --> 00:09:35,590 that I would always get because I knew I could count on it, 226 00:09:35,790 --> 00:09:38,490 but now I don't know if I can count on him. 227 00:09:38,690 --> 00:09:40,530 I mean it. 228 00:09:40,730 --> 00:09:43,030 I know exactly what to do. 229 00:09:43,230 --> 00:09:45,730 Sir, we'd like one of everything. 230 00:09:45,930 --> 00:09:49,070 Every flavor? You'd do that for me? 231 00:09:49,270 --> 00:09:53,110 We can find a new favorite together. 232 00:09:53,310 --> 00:09:56,120 I have a good feeling about this one. 233 00:10:01,730 --> 00:10:04,020 (both grunt) 234 00:10:04,220 --> 00:10:07,870 - Not that one. - That is curdled. 235 00:10:18,580 --> 00:10:20,770 Carly, don't take this personally, 236 00:10:20,970 --> 00:10:24,700 but I hate all your contributions to our apartment. 237 00:10:24,900 --> 00:10:28,470 My new guy made me a canoe. 238 00:10:28,670 --> 00:10:30,010 Your new guy? 239 00:10:30,210 --> 00:10:32,510 I told you to get under somebody, not boo'd up. 240 00:10:32,710 --> 00:10:34,710 And definitely not canoed up. 241 00:10:34,910 --> 00:10:39,690 Wouldn't it be crazy if I met my soulmate on Scraps? 242 00:10:39,890 --> 00:10:42,810 Yes, that would be crazy. 243 00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:45,790 Carly, you said he didn't get any of your jokes. 244 00:10:45,990 --> 00:10:48,840 Come on, Harper, let me have this. 245 00:10:49,810 --> 00:10:52,050 Whatever. Free canoe. 246 00:10:56,790 --> 00:10:59,100 I bought a horrible business so I can lose money 247 00:10:59,300 --> 00:11:00,410 and feel regular. 248 00:11:00,610 --> 00:11:01,510 You're both invited to the opening. 249 00:11:01,710 --> 00:11:03,780 Did you know you're in a canoe? 250 00:11:03,980 --> 00:11:05,410 Did you know you're dressed like 251 00:11:05,610 --> 00:11:07,450 the president of the Teletubbies? 252 00:11:07,650 --> 00:11:09,080 This is my nap cape. 253 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:10,750 Maybe I shouldn't have been so mean to Freddie 254 00:11:10,950 --> 00:11:12,850 about those night pants. 255 00:11:13,050 --> 00:11:14,350 If you want to seem average, 256 00:11:14,550 --> 00:11:16,050 maybe consider a different outfit. 257 00:11:16,250 --> 00:11:17,820 And consider it I shall. When next you see me, 258 00:11:18,020 --> 00:11:21,180 I will present as an "av-er-ahj." 259 00:11:22,180 --> 00:11:23,330 I got to be out, too. 260 00:11:23,530 --> 00:11:25,900 I'm meeting Tinsley in my apartment. 261 00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:29,550 - Wait, this is your apartment. - Not today. 262 00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:32,600 Welcome to my spacious, 263 00:11:32,810 --> 00:11:35,670 purposely masculine condo. 264 00:11:35,870 --> 00:11:38,510 Wow, it's like a house inside a building 265 00:11:38,710 --> 00:11:40,850 with other houses. 266 00:11:41,050 --> 00:11:43,080 I can't wait to show you these new looks, 267 00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:45,180 of which I'm sure you'll love every single one 268 00:11:45,380 --> 00:11:48,350 with no ulterior motive. 269 00:11:48,550 --> 00:11:52,540 (phony laughter) 270 00:11:55,140 --> 00:11:58,830 Um, Spencer, what are you doing in my apartment 271 00:11:59,030 --> 00:12:01,900 on the one day I told you not to be here? 272 00:12:02,100 --> 00:12:04,500 (New York accent): Uh, Spencer? You mean John. 273 00:12:04,700 --> 00:12:06,910 Most average name in the U.S. of A. 274 00:12:07,110 --> 00:12:09,070 And you know Harper because... 275 00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:10,610 Oh, I'm her handyman. 276 00:12:10,810 --> 00:12:13,950 I fix everything in this fancy place of hers. 277 00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:16,650 If it isn't the gold toilet, it's the diamond bidet. 278 00:12:16,850 --> 00:12:18,850 Fuggedaboudit! 279 00:12:19,050 --> 00:12:23,190 Well, if everything's fixed, you can go now, Johnny. 280 00:12:23,390 --> 00:12:25,890 Okay, but before I go, let me just say 281 00:12:26,090 --> 00:12:29,060 all this art here, it speaks to me, 282 00:12:29,260 --> 00:12:30,330 the average man. 283 00:12:30,530 --> 00:12:32,730 I go home to my plain but loving wife 284 00:12:32,930 --> 00:12:33,930 and my 2.5 kids-- 285 00:12:34,130 --> 00:12:35,570 also plain, not so loving-- 286 00:12:35,770 --> 00:12:37,940 I feel better about my whole existence. 287 00:12:38,140 --> 00:12:42,340 All because of this 100% relatable art. 288 00:12:42,540 --> 00:12:44,340 Oh! 289 00:12:44,540 --> 00:12:46,140 (normal voice): Oh, hey, Harper, remember, my club opening is tonight. 290 00:12:46,340 --> 00:12:48,710 - I'd love to see you there. - Did you lose your accent? 291 00:12:48,910 --> 00:12:50,870 (New York accent): Fuggedaboudit! 292 00:12:56,070 --> 00:13:00,730 Sister Axe 2: Axe in the Habit. 293 00:13:00,930 --> 00:13:03,130 You bought a Sister Act themed axe-throwing bar? 294 00:13:03,330 --> 00:13:06,460 (normal voice): Yup. I'm gonna lose some real money on this one. 295 00:13:06,660 --> 00:13:08,770 (New York accent): Oh, but until then, hey, what better place 296 00:13:08,970 --> 00:13:11,440 for a regular guy to drink a beer? 297 00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:15,660 * And throw an axe for America. * 298 00:13:19,260 --> 00:13:21,950 Millicent, where did you get those? 299 00:13:22,150 --> 00:13:25,150 My allowance, my business. 300 00:13:25,350 --> 00:13:27,550 Oh, and when I'm axing, don't call me Millicent. 301 00:13:27,750 --> 00:13:29,700 Call me Minnesota Slim. 302 00:13:31,540 --> 00:13:33,830 Hey, Carly. Hey, Superman. 303 00:13:34,030 --> 00:13:35,630 I call you Superman because, well, 304 00:13:35,830 --> 00:13:37,600 you've seen yourself in a mirror? 305 00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:39,360 I have. 306 00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:41,070 Hey, uh, why don't you go get yourself a drink 307 00:13:41,270 --> 00:13:43,170 so we can talk about how cute you are? 308 00:13:43,370 --> 00:13:44,950 Yes, and. 309 00:13:46,220 --> 00:13:47,570 After my second date with Carly, I read 310 00:13:47,770 --> 00:13:49,270 the Wikipedia page for comedy. 311 00:13:49,470 --> 00:13:51,080 It's funny stuff. 312 00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:55,030 (girls giggle) 313 00:13:56,700 --> 00:13:58,450 Isn't Troy so sweet? 314 00:13:58,650 --> 00:14:01,900 I've seen that Wikipedia page, and it is long. 315 00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:05,190 You almost got my face. 316 00:14:05,390 --> 00:14:07,730 If Troy's so sweet, why are you looking at 317 00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:11,200 Freddie and Puddles? Prune. 318 00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:13,130 What is her name? 319 00:14:13,330 --> 00:14:15,970 I'm looking because I'm so happy for them. 320 00:14:16,170 --> 00:14:18,040 But I'm even happier for me. 321 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:20,710 And to celebrate our collective happiness, 322 00:14:20,910 --> 00:14:22,410 I am going to march right over there 323 00:14:22,610 --> 00:14:24,210 and love Pearl's shoes. 324 00:14:24,410 --> 00:14:25,810 - Carly, you wouldn't. - But I would. 325 00:14:26,010 --> 00:14:27,010 We both know what that means. 326 00:14:27,210 --> 00:14:29,150 Yes. That I am comfortable-- 327 00:14:29,350 --> 00:14:32,320 nay, that I celebrate their relationship 328 00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:34,850 because I have moved on to a celebratory relationship 329 00:14:35,050 --> 00:14:37,960 of my own with Harrison Jesus Ford. 330 00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:42,160 Or it's a Trojan horse of a compliment 331 00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:44,730 meant to trick your ex's new girlfriend 332 00:14:44,930 --> 00:14:46,000 into thinking that you're chill about them dating, 333 00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,500 when really you are dying inside. 334 00:14:48,700 --> 00:14:51,200 Except I'm not dying inside because in this situation 335 00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,110 he is not my ex, I legit love Pearl's shoes, 336 00:14:53,310 --> 00:14:54,940 and I have never been so alive. 337 00:14:55,140 --> 00:14:57,180 Now hold my purse! 338 00:14:57,380 --> 00:14:59,540 - Hey, guys. - Hey, Carly. 339 00:14:59,740 --> 00:15:03,470 Thanks for the yarn. It saved our relationship. 340 00:15:04,730 --> 00:15:08,320 I just came over to say... 341 00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:10,660 I love your shoes. 342 00:15:10,860 --> 00:15:14,460 You love my shoes? 343 00:15:14,660 --> 00:15:16,260 That is so sweet of you, Carly. 344 00:15:16,460 --> 00:15:19,000 And here, I told her not to wear socks with sandals. 345 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:21,770 But I'm not a fashionista, like you two. 346 00:15:21,970 --> 00:15:25,540 Well, I am so glad you didn't listen, Pearl, 347 00:15:25,740 --> 00:15:31,260 because I love your shoes. 348 00:15:32,230 --> 00:15:34,680 Carly! 349 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:35,850 Is this the big stack of pancakes 350 00:15:36,050 --> 00:15:37,620 who built you the canoe? 351 00:15:37,820 --> 00:15:39,780 Guilty. 352 00:15:39,980 --> 00:15:42,970 (awkward laughter) 353 00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:52,230 Wow, you actually showed up. 354 00:15:52,430 --> 00:15:54,230 It's Saturday night, and Rihanna's not free 355 00:15:54,430 --> 00:15:57,240 'cause she's busy with her "baby." 356 00:15:57,440 --> 00:16:00,310 Who needs babies? Get a puppy. 357 00:16:00,510 --> 00:16:02,640 At least you can put it in your purse. 358 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:05,130 My mother raised me in a purse. 359 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:10,850 So, my guy, what do you like building more, 360 00:16:11,050 --> 00:16:13,590 tables or those muscles you got? 361 00:16:13,790 --> 00:16:15,520 (laughs) 362 00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:18,260 Was that comedy? 363 00:16:18,460 --> 00:16:19,870 Not really. 364 00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:23,160 I feel like you just made that weird. 365 00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:24,660 What is your problem with them dating? 366 00:16:24,860 --> 00:16:26,760 No problem. I'm problem-free. 367 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:29,730 I got 99 problems, but Carly ain't one. 368 00:16:29,930 --> 00:16:33,010 - Oh, so I'm your 99 problems? - No. 369 00:16:33,210 --> 00:16:34,540 And neither is this situation. 370 00:16:34,740 --> 00:16:35,810 I am comfortable with-- 371 00:16:36,010 --> 00:16:37,440 nay, I celebrate Carly's new relationship. 372 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:38,990 Now hold my axe! 373 00:16:40,860 --> 00:16:43,720 Hey, I think that you are a great guy. 374 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,780 In fact, you know what? 375 00:16:45,980 --> 00:16:48,070 I love your shoes. 376 00:16:50,470 --> 00:16:53,410 (roaring) 377 00:17:01,620 --> 00:17:04,120 Damn, I missed. 378 00:17:09,620 --> 00:17:11,940 - What is with you two? - There is no "us two." 379 00:17:12,140 --> 00:17:13,080 I chose you. 380 00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:15,180 Oh, did you? No one told Pearl. 381 00:17:15,380 --> 00:17:17,950 Pearl! With a "P." 382 00:17:18,150 --> 00:17:19,380 I know what you're doing. 383 00:17:19,580 --> 00:17:21,190 Loving my shoes is a Trojan horse of a compliment 384 00:17:21,390 --> 00:17:23,020 meant to trick me into thinking you're chill 385 00:17:23,220 --> 00:17:25,590 about me and Freddie when really you are dying inside. 386 00:17:25,790 --> 00:17:28,590 Damn, I called that word for word. 387 00:17:28,790 --> 00:17:31,000 You two are obsessed with each other. 388 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:32,900 But ask yourselves, when does Pearl 389 00:17:33,100 --> 00:17:34,930 get to belly up to the love buffet? 390 00:17:35,130 --> 00:17:36,600 Pearl's hungry, too. 391 00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:38,140 You know what? 392 00:17:38,340 --> 00:17:40,070 You suck, 393 00:17:40,270 --> 00:17:42,340 and you suck. 394 00:17:42,540 --> 00:17:44,410 You definitely suck, 395 00:17:44,610 --> 00:17:46,710 and you're, you're just mean. 396 00:17:46,910 --> 00:17:48,480 I'm an acquired taste. 397 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:50,980 And you... 398 00:17:51,180 --> 00:17:52,920 Oh, that is a hefty bun. 399 00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:55,950 (Troy laughs hard) 400 00:17:56,150 --> 00:17:57,190 I'm sorry, Carly, 401 00:17:57,390 --> 00:17:58,690 it's really important that I be with 402 00:17:58,890 --> 00:18:00,490 someone funny, and what Pearl said was funny 403 00:18:00,690 --> 00:18:02,940 because it's true. 404 00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:05,930 Pearl's gonna eat tonight. 405 00:18:06,130 --> 00:18:09,680 Uh, you can keep the canoe, but don't get it wet. 406 00:18:17,290 --> 00:18:20,080 I guess we're breakup buddies. 407 00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:22,880 What is Troy's last name? 408 00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:25,200 Canoe. 409 00:18:26,730 --> 00:18:29,150 Yeah, it's not the same. 410 00:18:29,350 --> 00:18:32,960 But now you'll have more time for iCarly. 411 00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:37,200 Really? I just got dumped by my girlfriend of a year, 412 00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:41,900 and you're thinking about how it helps you?! Wow. 413 00:18:42,100 --> 00:18:44,140 Freddie, wait. 414 00:18:44,340 --> 00:18:49,260 So, I guess old Minnesota Slim's gonna need a ride home. 415 00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:53,550 25-cent beers. 416 00:18:53,750 --> 00:18:56,950 I usually throw quarters in the trash. 417 00:18:57,150 --> 00:18:59,580 My child, your card has been super declined. 418 00:18:59,780 --> 00:19:01,350 Have a blessed day. 419 00:19:01,550 --> 00:19:06,190 Ah, yes, that's just because the minimum charge is $75,000. 420 00:19:06,390 --> 00:19:07,730 Harper, please. 421 00:19:07,930 --> 00:19:09,590 I wasn't born yesterday. 422 00:19:09,790 --> 00:19:11,630 I've been out of the purse for years. 423 00:19:11,830 --> 00:19:13,700 You didn't get a skull replacement, 424 00:19:13,900 --> 00:19:16,100 and that handyman is not from New York. 425 00:19:16,300 --> 00:19:18,100 (New York accent): Oh, you talking to me? 426 00:19:18,300 --> 00:19:20,190 Bodega. 427 00:19:22,660 --> 00:19:24,240 You knew? 428 00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:26,810 That's why you were pretending to like everything. 429 00:19:27,010 --> 00:19:29,780 You were a bully then, and you're a bully now. 430 00:19:29,980 --> 00:19:31,620 Gathering information about my pathetic life 431 00:19:31,820 --> 00:19:32,920 so you can tell everyone that I have 432 00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:35,820 a credit card with a limit. 433 00:19:36,020 --> 00:19:38,660 What are you talking about? I love your ideas. 434 00:19:38,860 --> 00:19:40,260 And you bullied me. 435 00:19:40,460 --> 00:19:43,230 You told the entire school my Prada was a frauda. 436 00:19:43,430 --> 00:19:45,560 You told the entire school that my au pair 437 00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:46,730 was from Wisconsin. 438 00:19:46,930 --> 00:19:48,200 An au pair from Eau Claire? 439 00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:49,600 How could I not dare? 440 00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:50,940 You were such a bitch. 441 00:19:51,140 --> 00:19:52,370 You were such a bitch. 442 00:19:52,570 --> 00:19:54,640 Well, guess what, I still am. 443 00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:57,630 Well, guess what, so am I. 444 00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:07,120 Wait, did you only hire me because you wanted to kiss me 445 00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:08,290 this whole time? 446 00:20:08,490 --> 00:20:09,750 (scoffs) I can't believe it took you 447 00:20:09,950 --> 00:20:12,670 this long to figure it out, you stupid bitch. 448 00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:16,180 (knock on door) 449 00:20:17,410 --> 00:20:19,000 Coconut-passion fruit- peanut butter 450 00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:22,770 with gummy bears, marshmallow sauce, and bagel chips. 451 00:20:22,970 --> 00:20:24,240 I know you're a mint chip guy now, 452 00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:27,410 but this used to always cheer you up. 453 00:20:27,610 --> 00:20:31,280 Thanks. 454 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:36,050 Mmm. Screw you, baby Mr. Peanut. 455 00:20:36,250 --> 00:20:37,480 What do you want? 456 00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:39,180 To apologize. 457 00:20:39,380 --> 00:20:41,320 I'm listening. 458 00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:43,960 I was being selfish. 459 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:46,290 I was just excited to have my Freddie back 460 00:20:46,490 --> 00:20:50,530 so we could make Captain American Cheese 461 00:20:50,730 --> 00:20:51,860 and do Taco Tina's... 462 00:20:52,060 --> 00:20:53,870 You know, I think before we do any of that, 463 00:20:54,070 --> 00:20:55,500 we actually need to listen to Pearl. 464 00:20:55,700 --> 00:20:58,570 Freddie, the peanuts cannot feel you eating them. 465 00:20:58,770 --> 00:21:00,820 No. 466 00:21:02,890 --> 00:21:04,540 Pearl was right when she said that 467 00:21:04,740 --> 00:21:06,340 we have an unhealthy relationship. 468 00:21:06,540 --> 00:21:08,850 What?! We're so healthy. 469 00:21:09,050 --> 00:21:11,150 I mean, my blood's, like, 12% cheese right now, 470 00:21:11,350 --> 00:21:14,120 but come on, we're Freddie and Carly. 471 00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:17,150 Yeah, but now Carly and Freddie are hurting other people 472 00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:18,390 and each other. 473 00:21:18,590 --> 00:21:22,630 I mean, we're a mess. We got to fix it. 474 00:21:22,830 --> 00:21:24,330 How? 475 00:21:24,530 --> 00:21:26,600 Are we supposed to go back to the way things were 476 00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:27,700 when we were kids? 477 00:21:27,900 --> 00:21:29,100 Uh, you mean 478 00:21:29,300 --> 00:21:30,670 where I follow you around like a puppy, 479 00:21:30,870 --> 00:21:32,240 and you take me for granted? 480 00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:34,090 No, thank you. 481 00:21:35,390 --> 00:21:38,330 We got to figure out how to be friends as adults. 482 00:21:40,230 --> 00:21:42,680 Adult friends. 483 00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:45,880 I can work with that. 484 00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:47,250 I can work with anything 485 00:21:47,450 --> 00:21:51,320 as long as we're still Freddie and Carly. 486 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:54,140 It's Carly and Freddie. 487 00:22:04,590 --> 00:22:06,950 Bye. 488 00:22:10,260 --> 00:22:13,460 (door shuts) 489 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:17,520 Hmm. That was weird. 490 00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:20,440 I got to call my knee guy. 491 00:22:24,970 --> 00:22:26,520 Damn you, gods! 492 00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:30,530 Why have you cursed me with unconditional success?! 493 00:22:30,730 --> 00:22:33,670 Fuggedaboudit! 494 00:22:33,870 --> 00:22:35,530 Johnny Cakes. 495 00:22:35,730 --> 00:22:37,370 Mini Slim. 496 00:22:37,570 --> 00:22:39,850 Spencer, I need a ride home. 497 00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:13,720 Ooh!