Hey... Carly.
Do you want a napkin or perhaps
a vacuum to go with all these crumbs?
No.
What I want is Freddie.
What I have is queso.
Eh...
He made my knees buckle.
Do you know how that feels?
Girl, my knees have done things your knees never will.
But that's not the point.
Look, Freddie has a girlfriend.
A girlfriend whose name I forget every time I see her.
But a girlfriend nonetheless.
(gasps)
What apps are you on?
Oh, love applications?
I've heard those can leave viruses on your phone.
You could stand to get a few viruses,
'cause you're not getting any from--
Freddie!
And you.
FREDDIE: Sorry to barge in,
but can we steal some brown yarn?
Oh, you guys are doing yarn crafts now?
We're making a little Statue of Liberty in the original copper.
Oh, I actually do have copper-colored yarn.
Ah, yes. I knew I could count on you,
my favorite crazy yarn lady.
(laughter)
Brown is fine.
Is anyone gonna tell Carly she has cheese all over her face?
'Cause I am not close enough with her.
Um, it's for my new character, Captain American Cheese.
(awkward laugh)
Uh, who fights crime with queso.
(laughs)
We'll talk about it at our story meeting later.
Oh, um, we're gonna be kind of busy
with this yarn thing all afternoon.
Well, Carly is busy, too.
We just finished filling out her new Sevens Only profile,
and I made her seem crazy. Guys like that.
Oh, wow. So you're actively looking for a...
gentleman caller?
Not necessarily.
Well, be careful, though.
A lot of those love applications
can leave viruses on your phone.
I think that is the perfect app for you.
You're absolutely a seven in Seattle.
Thank you?
Yeah, I'm not just on Sevens Only.
I downloaded Nondenominational Mingle,
the Gorch List, Scraps...
This bitch.
Is that another app? I'll download it.
No. I just got a text from Tinsley.
Who's Tinsley?
And why do you say her name like Madonna
when she was trying to be British?
This girl I went to boarding school with.
She just asked me to style her for the Net Gala.
It's like the Met Gala but with nets.
It's almost impossible to get into.
Oh, because of the nets.
This girl tormented me all through high school.
Now all of a sudden she wants to give me a job
I desperately need?
Oh, she probably wants to see you again
so she can rub it in your face that you're poor now.
Exactly. Thank you!
(quietly): I want to say Squirrel.
(door opens)
I don't want to talk about it.
The Seattle Penny Pincher gave him a bad review
on his last art piece.
Ooh, I hang out with people who get reviews.
I feel like I'm on Entourage.
It says, "Spencer Shay has become so ensconced
"in his one-percent bubble, he's lost touch
with the average working man."
That is bull crap!
There's no one more average than me.
I'm the Maroon 5 of people.
Comfort me!
(phone vibrating)
Yay! I've already got three matches.
Oh, wow. That was fast.
For an attractive woman under 30?
That's actually terrible.
* I know *
* You see *
* Somehow the world will change for me *
* And be so wonderful *
* So wake up the members of my nation *
* It's your time to be *
* There's no chance unless you take one *
* And the time to see the brighter side *
* Of every situation *
* Some things are meant to be *
* So give your best and leave the rest to me. *
So, how you feeling?
You ready to get under Teddy, Eddie or Betty?
But if she rocks your world, it is not my job
to unpack that with you.
Harper, I'm not gonna have intercourse sex
with some scrap off the Internet.
That's a scrap?
He looks like a whole damn meal.
That's him. But he was wearing glasses in his profile.
I mean, who wears glasses one minute
and then mysteriously doesn't need 'em the next?
Superman?
Go meet your hot date while I meet my hot bully.
Damn, she looks expensive.
Oh, Tinsley.
BOTH: Mwah. Mwah.
Darling, I can see why you hired me.
Are you going camping after this?
You look fabulous.
Seems the headgear really sorted everything out.
Didn't you hear?
I ditched the headgear for a full skull replacement.
'Twas quite expensive, but not for someone as rich as I,
what with all my celebrity clientele.
Bey, Jay, all of the Jennifers.
- All the Jennifers? - Mm-hmm.
I would have thought you'd be more selective.
Wait, so you build furniture?
Like Jesus or a young Harrison Ford.
Yeah, I make tables, chairs,
stools, benches, desks.
Which are like tables, but for office work.
End tables...
Well, I guess I know who to call
the next time I go to IKEA.
But that's not building furniture.
That's assembling furniture.
It was just a joke.
Oh, that's right, you said you were a comedienne.
Tell me another joke, now that I'm ready for it.
Well, I'm working on this new sketch
called Captain American Cheese.
It's about the battle between Gouda and evil.
(laughs)
So it's not like funny "ha-ha."
You really went nuts at that farmers market.
I googled "regular people" and "Sundays,"
and this is what came up.
Time for plan B. If it's average Spencer
the people want, then it's average Spencer
the people will get.
I'm gonna give away enough of my money
so that I'm no longer part of the one percent.
Wait, so plan A was: get a lot of corn?
Well, you could always invest in your old pal Freddie again.
I mean, this head is full of ideas.
You know how it gets colder at night?
Stop!
I wouldn't want to burden you with wealth.
Money is an evil mistress,
and you're terrible with women.
- Well, as the father of a daughter... - Stop!
Freddie, that's not a bad idea.
Night pants?
No, that's a terrible idea, but it's a good idea
to invest in a bad business.
That way I'm certain to lose money.
But how are you gonna find a business
that you know will fail?
Will you consult trend forecasters or economists...
Stop!
I'm 11. I can find anything on the Internet.
That's how we do.
If this goes well, I'll be so broke next year,
I'll have to pay taxes.
So, how did it go with Tinsley?
Awful. In high school she used to criticize everything.
My skin, too soft. My yacht, too big.
My rendition of the Mouse King in The Nutcracker,
too graceful.
Now all of a sudden, she likes everything
I put in front of her.
She's up to something.
How did last night go with Superman?
Was it a bird or a plane?
I didn't have intercourse sex with some rando in an alley.
You had it in your bed? Carly, he is a stranger.
I'm giving him one more chance,
but he's just not really my type.
Tall and handsome?
Exactly. You know I like 'em short and nerdy.
(robot voice): Greetings, fellow humans.
CARLY: Hey, buddy.
What happened to you this morning?
I thought we were gonna shoot Taco Tina
doing her taco taxes.
She's trying to claim guac as a dependent.
Sorry, no time to stop.
We're almost up to the brown yarn crown on Lady Liberty.
Tomorrow we start knitting the huddled masses
yarning to breathe free.
Well, it seems like you made a little time
to pick up some Froyo for you and your fro-ho.
Yeah, a little, uh, mint chip
for me and my little mint chippie.
Mint chip? I thought you were more of a coconut,
passion fruit, peanut butter with gummy bears,
marshmallow sauce, bagel chips kind of guy.
Yeah, Pearl saw the baby Mr. Peanut commercial,
and now she doesn't feel like
peanut butter is vegetarian enough.
Okay, well, I'm sure we'll get to Taco Tina
when you're finished with your yogurt. (chuckles)
- And your arts and crafts. - Right.
And being a father to Millicent.
Hi, Carly. Sorry I'm late.
Oh, hey, no problem. The streets are a mess.
I hate winters in Seattle with all the...
- Murder. - What?
So, how's the Froyo here?
Well, I used to have this favorite flavor
that I would always get because I knew I could count on it,
but now I don't know if I can count on him.
I mean it.
I know exactly what to do.
Sir, we'd like one of everything.
Every flavor? You'd do that for me?
We can find a new favorite together.
I have a good feeling about this one.
(both grunt)
- Not that one. - That is curdled.
Carly, don't take this personally,
but I hate all your contributions to our apartment.
My new guy made me a canoe.
Your new guy?
I told you to get under somebody, not boo'd up.
And definitely not canoed up.
Wouldn't it be crazy if I met my soulmate on Scraps?
Yes, that would be crazy.
Carly, you said he didn't get any of your jokes.
Come on, Harper, let me have this.
Whatever. Free canoe.
I bought a horrible business so I can lose money
and feel regular.
You're both invited to the opening.
Did you know you're in a canoe?
Did you know you're dressed like
the president of the Teletubbies?
This is my nap cape.
Maybe I shouldn't have been so mean to Freddie
about those night pants.
If you want to seem average,
maybe consider a different outfit.
And consider it I shall. When next you see me,
I will present as an "av-er-ahj."
I got to be out, too.
I'm meeting Tinsley in my apartment.
- Wait, this is your apartment. - Not today.
Welcome to my spacious,
purposely masculine condo.
Wow, it's like a house inside a building
with other houses.
I can't wait to show you these new looks,
of which I'm sure you'll love every single one
with no ulterior motive.
(phony laughter)
Um, Spencer, what are you doing in my apartment
on the one day I told you not to be here?
(New York accent): Uh, Spencer? You mean John.
Most average name in the U.S. of A.
And you know Harper because...
Oh, I'm her handyman.
I fix everything in this fancy place of hers.
If it isn't the gold toilet, it's the diamond bidet.
Fuggedaboudit!
Well, if everything's fixed, you can go now, Johnny.
Okay, but before I go, let me just say
all this art here, it speaks to me,
the average man.
I go home to my plain but loving wife
and my 2.5 kids--
also plain, not so loving--
I feel better about my whole existence.
All because of this 100% relatable art.
Oh!
(normal voice): Oh, hey, Harper, remember, my club opening is tonight.
- I'd love to see you there. - Did you lose your accent?
(New York accent): Fuggedaboudit!
Sister Axe 2: Axe in the Habit.
You bought a Sister Act themed axe-throwing bar?
(normal voice): Yup. I'm gonna lose some real money on this one.
(New York accent): Oh, but until then, hey, what better place
for a regular guy to drink a beer?
* And throw an axe for America. *
Millicent, where did you get those?
My allowance, my business.
Oh, and when I'm axing, don't call me Millicent.
Call me Minnesota Slim.
Hey, Carly. Hey, Superman.
I call you Superman because, well,
you've seen yourself in a mirror?
I have.
Hey, uh, why don't you go get yourself a drink
so we can talk about how cute you are?
Yes, and.
After my second date with Carly, I read
the Wikipedia page for comedy.
It's funny stuff.
(girls giggle)
Isn't Troy so sweet?
I've seen that Wikipedia page, and it is long.
You almost got my face.
If Troy's so sweet, why are you looking at
Freddie and Puddles? Prune.
What is her name?
I'm looking because I'm so happy for them.
But I'm even happier for me.
And to celebrate our collective happiness,
I am going to march right over there
and love Pearl's shoes.
- Carly, you wouldn't. - But I would.
We both know what that means.
Yes. That I am comfortable--
nay, that I celebrate their relationship
because I have moved on to a celebratory relationship
of my own with Harrison Jesus Ford.
Or it's a Trojan horse of a compliment
meant to trick your ex's new girlfriend
into thinking that you're chill about them dating,
when really you are dying inside.
Except I'm not dying inside because in this situation
he is not my ex, I legit love Pearl's shoes,
and I have never been so alive.
Now hold my purse!
- Hey, guys. - Hey, Carly.
Thanks for the yarn. It saved our relationship.
I just came over to say...
I love your shoes.
You love my shoes?
That is so sweet of you, Carly.
And here, I told her not to wear socks with sandals.
But I'm not a fashionista, like you two.
Well, I am so glad you didn't listen, Pearl,
because I love your shoes.
Carly!
Is this the big stack of pancakes
who built you the canoe?
Guilty.
(awkward laughter)
Wow, you actually showed up.
It's Saturday night, and Rihanna's not free
'cause she's busy with her "baby."
Who needs babies? Get a puppy.
At least you can put it in your purse.
My mother raised me in a purse.
So, my guy, what do you like building more,
tables or those muscles you got?
(laughs)
Was that comedy?
Not really.
I feel like you just made that weird.
What is your problem with them dating?
No problem. I'm problem-free.
I got 99 problems, but Carly ain't one.
- Oh, so I'm your 99 problems? - No.
And neither is this situation.
I am comfortable with--
nay, I celebrate Carly's new relationship.
Now hold my axe!
Hey, I think that you are a great guy.
In fact, you know what?
I love your shoes.
(roaring)
Damn, I missed.
- What is with you two? - There is no "us two."
I chose you.
Oh, did you? No one told Pearl.
Pearl! With a "P."
I know what you're doing.
Loving my shoes is a Trojan horse of a compliment
meant to trick me into thinking you're chill
about me and Freddie when really you are dying inside.
Damn, I called that word for word.
You two are obsessed with each other.
But ask yourselves, when does Pearl
get to belly up to the love buffet?
Pearl's hungry, too.
You know what?
You suck,
and you suck.
You definitely suck,
and you're, you're just mean.
I'm an acquired taste.
And you...
Oh, that is a hefty bun.
(Troy laughs hard)
I'm sorry, Carly,
it's really important that I be with
someone funny, and what Pearl said was funny
because it's true.
Pearl's gonna eat tonight.
Uh, you can keep the canoe, but don't get it wet.
I guess we're breakup buddies.
What is Troy's last name?
Canoe.
Yeah, it's not the same.
But now you'll have more time for iCarly.
Really? I just got dumped by my girlfriend of a year,
and you're thinking about how it helps you?! Wow.
Freddie, wait.
So, I guess old Minnesota Slim's gonna need a ride home.
25-cent beers.
I usually throw quarters in the trash.
My child, your card has been super declined.
Have a blessed day.
Ah, yes, that's just because the minimum charge is $75,000.
Harper, please.
I wasn't born yesterday.
I've been out of the purse for years.
You didn't get a skull replacement,
and that handyman is not from New York.
(New York accent): Oh, you talking to me?
Bodega.
You knew?
That's why you were pretending to like everything.
You were a bully then, and you're a bully now.
Gathering information about my pathetic life
so you can tell everyone that I have
a credit card with a limit.
What are you talking about? I love your ideas.
And you bullied me.
You told the entire school my Prada was a frauda.
You told the entire school that my au pair
was from Wisconsin.
An au pair from Eau Claire?
How could I not dare?
You were such a bitch.
Well, guess what, I still am.
Well, guess what, so am I.
Wait, did you only hire me because you wanted to kiss me
this whole time?
(scoffs) I can't believe it took you
this long to figure it out, you stupid bitch.
(knock on door)
Coconut-passion fruit- peanut butter
with gummy bears, marshmallow sauce, and bagel chips.
I know you're a mint chip guy now,
but this used to always cheer you up.
Thanks.
Mmm. Screw you, baby Mr. Peanut.
What do you want?
To apologize.
I'm listening.
I was being selfish.
I was just excited to have my Freddie back
so we could make Captain American Cheese
and do Taco Tina's...
You know, I think before we do any of that,
we actually need to listen to Pearl.
Freddie, the peanuts cannot feel you eating them.
No.
Pearl was right when she said that
we have an unhealthy relationship.
What?! We're so healthy.
I mean, my blood's, like, 12% cheese right now,
but come on, we're Freddie and Carly.
Yeah, but now Carly and Freddie are hurting other people
and each other.
I mean, we're a mess. We got to fix it.
How?
Are we supposed to go back to the way things were
when we were kids?
Uh, you mean
where I follow you around like a puppy,
and you take me for granted?
No, thank you.
We got to figure out how to be friends as adults.
Adult friends.
I can work with that.
I can work with anything
as long as we're still Freddie and Carly.
It's Carly and Freddie.
Bye.
(door shuts)
Hmm. That was weird.
I got to call my knee guy.
Damn you, gods!
Why have you cursed me with unconditional success?!
Fuggedaboudit!
Johnny Cakes.
Mini Slim.
Spencer, I need a ride home.
Ooh!