1 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:05,250 ALL: Ooh! 2 00:00:05,450 --> 00:00:08,850 Look, Freddie. Spit-shined and ready to go. 3 00:00:09,050 --> 00:00:10,390 Wait. 4 00:00:10,590 --> 00:00:12,880 (gargles, spits) 5 00:00:13,910 --> 00:00:16,980 Just needed a little more spit. 6 00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:22,200 Ooh, is this one of those edible arrangements? 7 00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:24,650 (spits) No. 8 00:00:25,490 --> 00:00:26,710 So, are you nervous? 9 00:00:26,910 --> 00:00:28,170 (scoffs) 10 00:00:28,370 --> 00:00:30,580 Does LeBron James get nervous before the big game? 11 00:00:30,780 --> 00:00:33,210 Are you LeBron James in this situation? 12 00:00:33,410 --> 00:00:34,750 (laughs nervously) 13 00:00:34,950 --> 00:00:37,720 I'm the one who convinced these two to give it a shot, 14 00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:39,720 but you don't see anyone giving me a diamond. 15 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:42,420 Do you think they'll give me a diamond? 16 00:00:42,620 --> 00:00:45,160 Oh, Millicent, this isn't about you. 17 00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:46,490 Now let me stand to your right 18 00:00:46,690 --> 00:00:48,910 so I get my good side in the pictures. 19 00:00:51,380 --> 00:00:52,920 Oh, I got it. 20 00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:58,700 (chuckles): Yes! 21 00:00:58,900 --> 00:01:00,940 It's covered in my mother's spit. 22 00:01:01,140 --> 00:01:03,490 It really is. 23 00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:11,480 "Hello, Carly. We haven't spoken in three weeks, 24 00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:13,840 so let me just say something weird to you." 25 00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:17,460 Uh, is this an intervention? 26 00:01:17,660 --> 00:01:19,090 - (door closes) - Fine, Marissa. 27 00:01:19,290 --> 00:01:21,490 It is me eating your makeup, 28 00:01:21,690 --> 00:01:24,450 but I can stop any time I want! 29 00:01:25,710 --> 00:01:28,530 Lewbert Robinette Patricia Sline... 30 00:01:28,730 --> 00:01:30,370 (whispers): Robinette Patricia? 31 00:01:30,570 --> 00:01:32,910 (whispers): I know. I love it. 32 00:01:33,110 --> 00:01:35,510 Lewbert, my Big Sline, 33 00:01:35,710 --> 00:01:38,380 - my Sline Ball. - Uh... 34 00:01:38,580 --> 00:01:41,180 Will you make me the happiest mother of Freddie on earth? 35 00:01:41,380 --> 00:01:44,370 (screaming) 36 00:01:50,170 --> 00:01:51,260 Is that a no? 37 00:01:51,460 --> 00:01:54,460 (others clapping) 38 00:01:54,660 --> 00:01:56,100 I want what they have. 39 00:01:56,300 --> 00:01:57,760 - Do you? - Not really. 40 00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:00,550 - (door opens) - Hey, Freddie... 41 00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:03,700 - Oh, yay! - Hi. - Hi. 42 00:02:03,900 --> 00:02:06,140 Pearl's here! Everybody, look! 43 00:02:06,340 --> 00:02:08,310 It's Pearl and she's here! 44 00:02:08,510 --> 00:02:10,630 A toast to Pearl! 45 00:02:12,030 --> 00:02:13,900 Who is here! 46 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:16,380 Ah. 47 00:02:16,580 --> 00:02:17,980 Thanks, 48 00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:21,400 - but Freddie is all the toast that I need. - Aw. 49 00:02:22,740 --> 00:02:25,610 (groans) These are both empty. 50 00:02:26,540 --> 00:02:28,830 I'm engaged! 51 00:02:29,030 --> 00:02:33,800 I'm gonna dig up my mom and laugh in her face! 52 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,470 Aw, another couple as happy as we are. 53 00:02:36,670 --> 00:02:37,770 - (chuckles) - Sad I missed it. 54 00:02:37,970 --> 00:02:39,910 Oh, hey, no prob, I caught the whole thing. 55 00:02:40,110 --> 00:02:43,140 (chuckles): It looks like Freddie is proposing to Carly. 56 00:02:43,340 --> 00:02:44,980 You want me to text it to you? 57 00:02:45,180 --> 00:02:46,780 (chuckles): If you had been here, 58 00:02:46,980 --> 00:02:49,550 you would have laughed and laughed, 59 00:02:49,750 --> 00:02:52,070 or made the face you're making right now. 60 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:54,620 * I know * 61 00:02:54,820 --> 00:02:56,260 * You see * 62 00:02:56,460 --> 00:02:58,620 * Somehow the world will change for me * 63 00:02:58,820 --> 00:03:01,890 * And be so wonderful * 64 00:03:02,090 --> 00:03:05,500 * So wake up the members of my nation * 65 00:03:05,700 --> 00:03:07,700 * It's your time to be * 66 00:03:07,900 --> 00:03:10,700 * There's no chance unless you take one * 67 00:03:10,900 --> 00:03:13,410 * And the time to see the brighter side * 68 00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:16,710 * Of every situation * 69 00:03:16,910 --> 00:03:18,510 * Some things are meant to be * 70 00:03:18,710 --> 00:03:22,100 * So give me your best and leave the rest to me. * 71 00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:29,460 So, what'll it be? 72 00:03:29,660 --> 00:03:32,690 Wine and crying, or whiskey and light violence? 73 00:03:32,890 --> 00:03:34,560 You're sweet, but it's just gonna be 74 00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:36,330 my regular nightly routine-- 75 00:03:36,530 --> 00:03:38,000 drinking kombucha from a wine glass 76 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:41,130 and watching videos of soldiers reuniting with their dogs. 77 00:03:41,330 --> 00:03:42,600 I'm fine. 78 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:44,400 Really? 'Cause that was more awkward than 79 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:47,140 when we had to tell Millicent her goldfish moved to Canada 80 00:03:47,340 --> 00:03:48,590 for the health care. 81 00:03:49,530 --> 00:03:50,680 Which part? 82 00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:51,980 Almost proposing to Carly 83 00:03:52,180 --> 00:03:54,050 after not talking to her for three weeks? 84 00:03:54,250 --> 00:03:56,110 My girlfriend walking in right after? 85 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:59,320 My mom getting engaged to the adult man I bullied as a child? 86 00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:04,420 Pearl outright refusing my offer to text her that video? 87 00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:05,760 So, you and Carly really didn't talk 88 00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,360 the entire time you were gone? 89 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:08,890 Of course we didn't. 90 00:04:09,090 --> 00:04:11,730 He was on a super romantic road trip. 91 00:04:11,930 --> 00:04:13,430 With my girlfriend. 92 00:04:13,630 --> 00:04:15,100 Pearl thought Carly and I were in love, 93 00:04:15,300 --> 00:04:17,500 and I want it to work with Pearl, so I said, 94 00:04:17,700 --> 00:04:19,410 "Let's get in the car and just drive." 95 00:04:19,610 --> 00:04:22,440 - (chuckles) Mm-hmm. Yeah. - You know, spontaneous, romantic. 96 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:23,810 A logistical nightmare. 97 00:04:24,010 --> 00:04:25,980 Who's driving? Where are you staying? 98 00:04:26,180 --> 00:04:29,200 How long are you milking one pair of underwear? 99 00:04:30,700 --> 00:04:32,590 It was just what we needed. 100 00:04:32,790 --> 00:04:35,750 That and couples therapy four times a week. 101 00:04:35,950 --> 00:04:38,870 Mm. I can't do therapy. Too smart for it. 102 00:04:40,540 --> 00:04:41,930 They're so committed. 103 00:04:42,130 --> 00:04:44,800 I mean, paying $200 an hour to someone who knows 104 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:47,000 what the problem is but refuses to tell you? 105 00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:48,600 Freddie and Pearl are thriving. 106 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:51,800 Okay, but what about Freddie and Carly? 107 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,740 When he ran after Pearl on his birthday, 108 00:04:53,940 --> 00:04:56,660 you waited up for him all night, crying. 109 00:04:57,630 --> 00:04:58,880 I was watching a sad movie. 110 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:00,930 The sad movie was your life. 111 00:05:03,070 --> 00:05:05,720 Fine. You know, I was upset that night. 112 00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:07,550 I wanted a conversation. 113 00:05:07,750 --> 00:05:11,760 And instead, I got a text two days later. 114 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:15,130 "Hit the open road with my lady. Talk soon?" 115 00:05:15,330 --> 00:05:18,080 Stalk of wheat emoji. 116 00:05:18,850 --> 00:05:20,570 A perfect text. 117 00:05:20,770 --> 00:05:22,280 Stalk of wheat means impotence. 118 00:05:24,650 --> 00:05:25,940 So, that's it. 119 00:05:26,140 --> 00:05:27,410 No part of you thinks that you're into Freddie? 120 00:05:27,610 --> 00:05:28,870 Well, that's the thing. 121 00:05:29,070 --> 00:05:30,880 You know, I shouldn't have to think about it. 122 00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:33,410 I want someone that I am crazy about. 123 00:05:33,610 --> 00:05:35,080 Someone that makes my knees buckle. 124 00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:38,020 I just wish she'd stop running away from the conversation. 125 00:05:38,220 --> 00:05:40,420 You drove through six states and three sovereign indigenous areas 126 00:05:40,620 --> 00:05:41,750 in the same pair of underwear 127 00:05:41,950 --> 00:05:44,040 to get away from that exact conversation. 128 00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:47,230 Well, he's back now. You guys can talk. 129 00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:50,400 And I so want to do that, 130 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,000 but I can't. 131 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:54,070 Not everybody has time to just go gallivanting 132 00:05:54,270 --> 00:05:57,770 across the Pacific Northwest like some GD Sasquatch. 133 00:05:57,970 --> 00:06:00,010 I'm too busy with my new project. 134 00:06:00,210 --> 00:06:03,780 And if that project is real, I'm very happy for you. 135 00:06:03,980 --> 00:06:06,730 (scoffs): Oh, it's real. 136 00:06:08,030 --> 00:06:10,680 (whispers): Paul, I need a new project. 137 00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:12,640 A real one. 138 00:06:15,140 --> 00:06:19,360 An outdoor Las Vegas wedding in August at high noon? 139 00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:21,430 What a dream! 140 00:06:21,630 --> 00:06:24,330 We were considering Hawaii, but there's just something classy 141 00:06:24,530 --> 00:06:27,030 about a place where you can smoke in church. 142 00:06:27,230 --> 00:06:28,230 (phone chimes) 143 00:06:28,430 --> 00:06:30,740 - Your Uber's here, lemon peel. - Oh. 144 00:06:30,940 --> 00:06:34,240 I use Marissa's account since my rating is a 0.3. 145 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:37,780 They're literally allowed to leave me anywhere. 146 00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:40,730 You will always have five stars with this girl. 147 00:06:41,900 --> 00:06:43,420 It's sweet to see you so excited 148 00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:47,250 for their outdoor high noon Las Vegas-- Wait a minute. 149 00:06:47,450 --> 00:06:50,120 I happened to hack into Grandma B's email 150 00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:52,830 and saw who she's considering for maid of honor. 151 00:06:53,030 --> 00:06:54,490 Danica from book club. 152 00:06:54,690 --> 00:06:56,060 Wait, which Danica? 153 00:06:56,260 --> 00:06:57,700 The Danica who thought Lean In was too sexy, 154 00:06:57,900 --> 00:06:59,570 or the Danica who never takes off her beret? 155 00:06:59,770 --> 00:07:01,900 - Beret. - Oh, Danica. 156 00:07:02,100 --> 00:07:03,800 Wait, have you hacked into my email? 157 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:07,690 No, I respect you too much. Wink. 158 00:07:09,290 --> 00:07:11,610 Don't feel bad. Danica's been a maid of honor before, 159 00:07:11,810 --> 00:07:14,050 and those dogs are still together. 160 00:07:14,250 --> 00:07:15,880 Are you saying all I have to do is 161 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:17,920 prove I'll be a better maid of honor for Grandma B, 162 00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:19,180 and the gig is mine? 163 00:07:19,380 --> 00:07:21,140 You know I'm not. 164 00:07:25,770 --> 00:07:29,190 So glad I got to meet up with my favorite client in person. 165 00:07:29,390 --> 00:07:30,760 You know, on the phone, it's all business. 166 00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:32,330 If I don't get a new project immediately, 167 00:07:32,530 --> 00:07:35,420 I am going to burn this city to the ground. 168 00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:39,050 My cat's surgery went great. Thanks for asking. 169 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,770 - How about TV? - I don't know. 170 00:07:41,970 --> 00:07:44,840 The last time I did a TV show, I got replaced by a dinosaur. 171 00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:46,850 Well, kids love dinosaurs. 172 00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:48,580 This would be reality TV, so it'll be real. 173 00:07:48,780 --> 00:07:51,250 Networks are hot for shows about content creators. 174 00:07:51,450 --> 00:07:52,920 They figure your followers will watch it. 175 00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:54,490 They won't, but who cares? 176 00:07:54,690 --> 00:07:56,390 We'll already have the cash. 177 00:07:56,590 --> 00:08:00,160 As long as I have total control but people still like me. 178 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:03,030 I want to be an absolute boss in a fun way. 179 00:08:03,230 --> 00:08:06,630 Like "Go ahead, wear jeans on Fridays, but fear me." 180 00:08:06,830 --> 00:08:09,700 Bully me, queen. (chuckles) 181 00:08:09,900 --> 00:08:11,240 First thing we need is a hook, 182 00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:13,270 like how the D'Amelios are sisters, 183 00:08:13,470 --> 00:08:15,770 or how the Kardashians are sisters. 184 00:08:15,970 --> 00:08:17,810 Well, I guess the hook is a sister. 185 00:08:18,010 --> 00:08:19,780 I only have a brother. 186 00:08:19,980 --> 00:08:21,680 Oh, right, Spencer. 187 00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:23,930 No. 188 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,550 You know who might make good TV? Freddie. 189 00:08:27,750 --> 00:08:30,990 Freddie? Freddie Benson? 190 00:08:31,190 --> 00:08:32,530 Fredward "Freduccini" Benson? 191 00:08:32,730 --> 00:08:35,340 The neighbor boy who does the five, four, three, two? 192 00:08:36,610 --> 00:08:38,330 (chuckles): Oh, I think I know what's going on. 193 00:08:38,530 --> 00:08:41,230 Five, four, three, two, you're smashing. 194 00:08:41,430 --> 00:08:44,000 What? No! Freddie has a girlfriend. 195 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:46,540 Presumably they're smashing. 196 00:08:46,740 --> 00:08:48,370 Oh, so it's a love triangle? 197 00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:50,280 Because that's a hook. 198 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:52,180 Amore triangula. 199 00:08:52,380 --> 00:08:54,980 Except there is no triangle. 200 00:08:55,180 --> 00:08:58,020 There's a love line between Freddie and Pearl. 201 00:08:58,220 --> 00:09:00,690 He and I are a squiggle at best. 202 00:09:00,890 --> 00:09:03,390 A squiggle. We're gonna win an Emmy! 203 00:09:03,590 --> 00:09:05,340 Whoo! 204 00:09:06,310 --> 00:09:09,630 Look, I am gonna bring so much drama, 205 00:09:09,830 --> 00:09:12,360 you're not gonna even care that Freddie's girlfriend 206 00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:14,500 - accused us of being in love. - (gasps) 207 00:09:14,700 --> 00:09:17,320 Not that that happened. 208 00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:20,560 Amore triangula. 209 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,350 You, latte me, you, fix the lighting, 210 00:09:29,550 --> 00:09:32,750 and you, call my grandmother and you tell her to apologize. 211 00:09:32,950 --> 00:09:35,600 (voice breaking): She knows what she did. 212 00:09:38,740 --> 00:09:40,490 Carly! You look great. 213 00:09:40,690 --> 00:09:42,030 Very natural. 214 00:09:42,230 --> 00:09:43,530 I know, right? 215 00:09:43,730 --> 00:09:46,030 Rumor has it, my ponytail belonged to 216 00:09:46,230 --> 00:09:48,450 Queen Elizabeth's horse. 217 00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:50,940 The real star has arrived! 218 00:09:51,140 --> 00:09:53,170 Somebody get me a director's chair, a green juice 219 00:09:53,370 --> 00:09:55,170 and a PA to scream at! 220 00:09:55,370 --> 00:09:57,040 Hey, excuse me, terrifying woman. 221 00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:59,240 Do you know where I can find Ms. Carly Shay? 222 00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:00,750 I'm right here. 223 00:10:00,950 --> 00:10:04,280 I'm just disguised under this blanket of luxury. 224 00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:05,920 Do I need to get into costume? 225 00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:07,920 PA, luxury blanket! Now! 226 00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:12,060 Spencer, I don't know how to tell you this, so... 227 00:10:12,260 --> 00:10:14,040 I'm gonna make Paul do it. 228 00:10:15,340 --> 00:10:16,600 You've been recast. 229 00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:18,960 Hi, Carly! It's me, Sunny! 230 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,370 You threw up on me at hot bitch yoga? 231 00:10:21,570 --> 00:10:24,470 We nearly beat a man to death together? 232 00:10:24,670 --> 00:10:26,300 We're sisters and best friends? 233 00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:29,470 Oh, yes, our fun, sisterly memories 234 00:10:29,670 --> 00:10:32,090 of assault and bodily fluids. 235 00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:35,480 I ran a very routine DNA test, 236 00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:38,320 and it turns out Sunny is Carly's 11th cousin. 237 00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:39,750 But since she has a massive following, 238 00:10:39,950 --> 00:10:41,150 we're rounding up to sister. 239 00:10:41,350 --> 00:10:42,890 If we're gonna be sisters, 240 00:10:43,090 --> 00:10:44,760 we should figure out who's older. 241 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:47,640 My filler guy and I were thinking you. 242 00:10:48,580 --> 00:10:49,860 But I already told a woman 243 00:10:50,060 --> 00:10:51,960 I want to sleep with that I'm on this show. 244 00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:53,700 I also told her that I'm Dax Shepard, 245 00:10:53,900 --> 00:10:55,570 and I don't want to lie to her twice. 246 00:10:55,770 --> 00:10:57,370 I'm sorry, Spencer. 247 00:10:57,570 --> 00:10:59,370 I'm not. That's showbiz, baby. 248 00:10:59,570 --> 00:11:01,370 Okay, you know what you do need? A host. 249 00:11:01,570 --> 00:11:04,040 - That's me. I'm the host. - This show doesn't have a host. 250 00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:05,610 Next up on House of Shay, 251 00:11:05,810 --> 00:11:08,530 Paul shuts up and admits he was wrong. 252 00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:13,690 Wow. I am feeling good about this. 253 00:11:13,890 --> 00:11:15,520 I mean, we got a sister. 254 00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:17,390 We got my literal ponytail. 255 00:11:17,590 --> 00:11:19,730 We got an unqualified white male host. 256 00:11:19,930 --> 00:11:22,330 Yeah, and we've always got the amore... 257 00:11:22,530 --> 00:11:23,810 No, don't say it. 258 00:11:24,780 --> 00:11:26,160 There's no need for it. 259 00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:28,500 Sunny and I are gonna rip each other to shreds. 260 00:11:28,700 --> 00:11:31,800 Actually, I'm pivoting away from "fighting." 261 00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:34,010 I learned to channel my difficult emotions 262 00:11:34,210 --> 00:11:37,110 into reading YA fantasy novels to the blind. 263 00:11:37,310 --> 00:11:38,630 I do all the voices. 264 00:11:39,430 --> 00:11:42,830 (deep, raspy voice): Welcome to Troll Crossing. 265 00:11:47,170 --> 00:11:50,790 Hey, thanks for organizing this suspiciously elaborate luncheon. 266 00:11:50,990 --> 00:11:52,960 - It's the least I could do. - Hmm. 267 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:55,160 Welcome to the family, Mr. Sline. 268 00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:56,390 Or should I say Pop-Pop? 269 00:11:56,590 --> 00:11:59,310 (screaming, laughing) 270 00:12:00,250 --> 00:12:03,170 It'll be nice to have a strong male role model in my life. 271 00:12:03,370 --> 00:12:05,990 I taught you how to hunt. 272 00:12:07,190 --> 00:12:08,810 This is all so fancy. 273 00:12:09,010 --> 00:12:12,590 These are the kind of plates you use again. 274 00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:15,950 Oh, no, my fun blouse! 275 00:12:16,150 --> 00:12:18,650 Would you like me to lick it off, orange rind? 276 00:12:18,850 --> 00:12:20,420 No need for that, Pop-Pop. 277 00:12:20,620 --> 00:12:22,490 I have a stain remover right here. 278 00:12:22,690 --> 00:12:24,290 I also have a lint roller, a sewing kit 279 00:12:24,490 --> 00:12:27,330 and your favorite shade of medicated ChapStick. 280 00:12:27,530 --> 00:12:29,180 ALL: Clear. 281 00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:31,900 Hey, those are all things 282 00:12:32,100 --> 00:12:33,600 a maid of honor would have at a wedding. 283 00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:35,830 You haven't picked one out yet, have you? 284 00:12:36,030 --> 00:12:39,250 - (utensils clatter) - Oh. 285 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:41,670 Don't you think forcing the conversation 286 00:12:41,870 --> 00:12:43,680 before she's ready will do more harm than good? 287 00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:45,580 Don't you think you're confusing my thing with Granny 288 00:12:45,780 --> 00:12:48,130 and your thing with Carly? 289 00:12:52,170 --> 00:12:56,190 You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you can find your prince. 290 00:12:56,390 --> 00:12:58,160 And let me tell you, Grandma B spent 291 00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:00,790 a lot of time in the swamp. (chuckles) 292 00:13:00,990 --> 00:13:02,780 Pause for laughter. 293 00:13:03,610 --> 00:13:04,730 (cell phone chimes) 294 00:13:04,930 --> 00:13:07,570 Oh, it's Danica from book club. 295 00:13:07,770 --> 00:13:11,100 She put her beret in the dryer, and now it's way too small! 296 00:13:11,300 --> 00:13:12,740 Can she give it to her pet mouse? 297 00:13:12,940 --> 00:13:15,440 No, you know Julien hates hats. 298 00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:17,030 She needs us. 299 00:13:19,430 --> 00:13:22,260 I never should have paused for laughter. 300 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:27,420 Welcome back to the most dramatic episode 301 00:13:27,620 --> 00:13:29,090 of any show ever. 302 00:13:29,290 --> 00:13:32,320 Still in play are two immunity idols, four roses, 303 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:34,590 and a lip sync for your life. 304 00:13:34,790 --> 00:13:37,350 And it all starts... now. 305 00:13:38,410 --> 00:13:41,830 Okay, uh, Carly, Sunny, let's try this yet again. 306 00:13:42,030 --> 00:13:45,400 I need some real conflict. Okay? 307 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:47,620 Okay. 308 00:13:49,820 --> 00:13:51,980 You ate the last of the peanut butter 309 00:13:52,180 --> 00:13:54,010 and then put the jar back in the cabinet. 310 00:13:54,210 --> 00:13:57,680 So I thought there was more, but there wasn't! 311 00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:00,190 Oh, do we live together? 312 00:14:00,390 --> 00:14:01,870 That's fun. 313 00:14:03,170 --> 00:14:05,360 Sunny, no, we need more drama. 314 00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:07,460 You know what? Wh-Why don't you just hit me 315 00:14:07,660 --> 00:14:08,760 one time, real quick. 316 00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:11,060 Oh, I'll hit you, with some character work. 317 00:14:11,260 --> 00:14:14,120 (silly voice): Greetings from Troll Crossing. 318 00:14:15,450 --> 00:14:17,540 Oh, this is nothing. 319 00:14:17,740 --> 00:14:19,170 Cut! 320 00:14:19,370 --> 00:14:24,140 (sighs) That was everything I look for in reality TV. 321 00:14:24,340 --> 00:14:29,330 I mean, peanut butter larceny, roommates, that voice. 322 00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:32,770 I wanted more troll. 323 00:14:33,870 --> 00:14:35,290 It's not working. Look. 324 00:14:35,490 --> 00:14:37,320 You know what every reality show has that we're missing? 325 00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,540 Writers, wine throwing, Andy Cohen? 326 00:14:41,410 --> 00:14:42,660 Don't you dare shift those fingers. 327 00:14:42,860 --> 00:14:44,130 Don't you shift them! 328 00:14:44,330 --> 00:14:45,500 - Don't. - It's bigger than the both of us. 329 00:14:45,700 --> 00:14:47,350 Oh! 330 00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:50,140 Look, Paul. 331 00:14:50,340 --> 00:14:52,300 I don't have feelings for Freddie, 332 00:14:52,500 --> 00:14:54,440 but it's complicated. 333 00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:57,040 - You know, I don't know much about friendship squiggles - (elevator bell chimes) 334 00:14:57,240 --> 00:14:59,960 or sex rhombuses, but... (gasps) 335 00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:03,400 (whispers): Amore triangula. 336 00:15:09,770 --> 00:15:13,230 Look, the road trippers finally made the trip to set. 337 00:15:13,430 --> 00:15:16,860 (laughs): I also have a fulfilling life. 338 00:15:17,060 --> 00:15:18,930 FREDDIE: I was surprised you're doing another TV show. 339 00:15:19,130 --> 00:15:21,430 Last time, you got replaced by a dinosaur. 340 00:15:21,630 --> 00:15:23,270 Oh, kids love dinosaurs. 341 00:15:23,470 --> 00:15:25,820 (roars) Love me. 342 00:15:26,650 --> 00:15:28,070 That was a dinosaur. 343 00:15:28,270 --> 00:15:31,810 So, you two sure you want to be on my reality show? 344 00:15:32,010 --> 00:15:35,150 Yes. We had an emergency session with Dr. Susan, 345 00:15:35,350 --> 00:15:36,810 during which I told Freddie, 346 00:15:37,020 --> 00:15:39,380 "If you're sure you have no feelings for Carly whatsoever, 347 00:15:39,580 --> 00:15:41,050 "we should do the show. 348 00:15:41,250 --> 00:15:43,360 "And any scene I'm not in, I'll sit on the side 349 00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:46,070 with my arms crossed, watching closely." 350 00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:49,830 To which I replied, "How can I say no?" 351 00:15:50,030 --> 00:15:54,370 (chuckles) Do I get $200 an hour for listening to that story? 352 00:15:54,570 --> 00:15:57,450 (laughs) Fun. 353 00:15:58,750 --> 00:16:00,970 Is it too late to replace me with a dinosaur? 354 00:16:01,170 --> 00:16:02,070 I'm on it? 355 00:16:02,270 --> 00:16:03,780 But until then, 356 00:16:03,980 --> 00:16:08,450 I have got a fun and relaxing activity for you all to enjoy. 357 00:16:08,650 --> 00:16:11,070 Aerial silking! 358 00:16:13,300 --> 00:16:15,090 I do not feel relaxed! 359 00:16:15,290 --> 00:16:16,550 Perfect, perfect. 360 00:16:16,750 --> 00:16:18,860 Use that anxiety to fuel your confrontation 361 00:16:19,060 --> 00:16:21,060 at the dramatic height of two to three feet. 362 00:16:21,260 --> 00:16:23,200 (grunts) Can I get a helmet? 363 00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,260 Can you make that two? 364 00:16:25,460 --> 00:16:27,080 Freddie, I'm flying! 365 00:16:28,380 --> 00:16:30,070 She's very flexible. 366 00:16:30,270 --> 00:16:31,870 Triple-jointed elbows. 367 00:16:32,070 --> 00:16:35,020 Oh, yeah? Watch this. 368 00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:45,850 Carly, don't worry about the actual silking. 369 00:16:46,050 --> 00:16:47,820 Uh, worry about being alone forever 370 00:16:48,020 --> 00:16:51,320 because Freddie refuses to speak to you. Wow. 371 00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:53,710 Is that what she told you? 372 00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:57,500 Why did no one fetch me from my trailer 373 00:16:57,700 --> 00:17:00,030 that should have been provided? I am the host. 374 00:17:00,230 --> 00:17:01,500 There's no host. 375 00:17:01,700 --> 00:17:05,000 Our first twist is a twist. 376 00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:06,400 Wait, wait, wait, wait. 377 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:08,270 - Dude, no, no! - (Carly yelping) 378 00:17:08,470 --> 00:17:10,880 Oh, God! I may not survive this! 379 00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:13,050 CARLY: Aah! I need a Dramamine! 380 00:17:13,250 --> 00:17:15,850 I was Peter Pan off Broadway. 381 00:17:16,050 --> 00:17:17,720 Hey, Freddie. Freddie, Freddie, Freddie. 382 00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:20,350 Do you know what Carly's been saying about you? I do. 383 00:17:20,550 --> 00:17:22,750 Because I've got the receipts. 384 00:17:22,950 --> 00:17:25,720 - Those are from CVS. - I know, but I used them to write down 385 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:28,060 everything you told me the other day. 386 00:17:28,260 --> 00:17:29,130 Here we go, here we go. 387 00:17:29,330 --> 00:17:30,500 Um... (clears throat) 388 00:17:30,700 --> 00:17:32,300 Pearl could tell you and Carly were in love. 389 00:17:32,500 --> 00:17:34,830 You went after Pearl while Carly waited up all night for you, 390 00:17:35,030 --> 00:17:37,570 - crying her eyes out... - (screaming) 391 00:17:37,770 --> 00:17:40,240 - Oh, my... (groans) - (grunts) 392 00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:42,470 That's going on the sizzle reel. 393 00:17:42,670 --> 00:17:45,790 Let's do it again, but this time tackle Pearl. 394 00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:49,110 I am done with this. 395 00:17:49,310 --> 00:17:51,280 But... 396 00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:54,770 But I am keeping the ponytail. 397 00:17:58,570 --> 00:18:00,230 (exhales sharply) 398 00:18:00,430 --> 00:18:03,210 Okay, fine. I'll play Carly. 399 00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:08,570 Hey, Milli-Vanil. 400 00:18:08,770 --> 00:18:10,000 You doing okay? 401 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,740 Grandma B officially chose her maid of honor, 402 00:18:12,940 --> 00:18:16,270 and it's Danica, from book club. 403 00:18:16,470 --> 00:18:18,210 (cries): With the beret. 404 00:18:18,410 --> 00:18:21,050 Hey, your grandmother worships you, okay? 405 00:18:21,250 --> 00:18:22,950 You are going to be part of her wedding. 406 00:18:23,150 --> 00:18:25,380 Don't tell me I'm gonna be an usher. 407 00:18:25,580 --> 00:18:27,520 I will accept DJ or higher. 408 00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:29,690 Relationships aren't about titles. 409 00:18:29,890 --> 00:18:31,520 They're about being there for each other. 410 00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:33,530 Even when they make questionable choices? 411 00:18:33,730 --> 00:18:35,290 Even when you're dangling from the ceiling 412 00:18:35,490 --> 00:18:38,560 - with a silk so far up your butt that you... - I beg you. 413 00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:40,620 Have secrets. 414 00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:44,640 Millicent, we have something we wanted to ask you. 415 00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:46,900 * There's a girl living here * 416 00:18:47,100 --> 00:18:48,810 * That we always hold dear * 417 00:18:49,010 --> 00:18:51,880 * Good old Millicent * 418 00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:54,280 Is this happening? Did Danica die? 419 00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:57,720 * Such grit and such fight, sweet as Turkish delight * 420 00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:00,690 * She's good old Millicent * 421 00:19:00,890 --> 00:19:04,490 * The virtues that we extol * 422 00:19:04,690 --> 00:19:07,730 * Deserve a starring role * 423 00:19:07,930 --> 00:19:13,000 * Will you please, please marry us? * 424 00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:14,300 Be your officiant? 425 00:19:14,500 --> 00:19:17,620 Yes! That's, like, higher than the bride! 426 00:19:20,020 --> 00:19:23,760 And then I tackled Paul to the ground. 427 00:19:24,660 --> 00:19:26,840 In a cool way? 428 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:28,250 No. 429 00:19:28,450 --> 00:19:29,910 (knocking) 430 00:19:30,110 --> 00:19:32,780 Hey, Carly, um... 431 00:19:32,980 --> 00:19:34,350 can we finally talk? 432 00:19:34,550 --> 00:19:39,190 - Oh, I'd love to, but, uh, Harper is-- - Bye. 433 00:19:39,390 --> 00:19:41,040 A terrible friend. 434 00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:45,330 What do you want to talk about? 435 00:19:45,530 --> 00:19:47,130 How bananas are going extinct? 436 00:19:47,330 --> 00:19:49,070 What's gonna happen to smoothies? 437 00:19:49,270 --> 00:19:51,140 - I know some people like to put almonds in it, so... - Um... 438 00:19:51,340 --> 00:19:54,870 How about why you flying-tackled Paul? 439 00:19:55,070 --> 00:19:58,860 I guess that's a good topic, too. 440 00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:03,550 I did wait up for you that night, 441 00:20:03,750 --> 00:20:06,050 but then you went off with Pearl, 442 00:20:06,250 --> 00:20:09,320 and things are going so great with you guys, 443 00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:12,420 I just thought, you know, maybe we don't need to talk. 444 00:20:12,620 --> 00:20:16,230 Maybe we could just go back to being Freddie and Carly. 445 00:20:16,430 --> 00:20:17,860 So I... 446 00:20:18,060 --> 00:20:21,300 Created a whole-ass reality show just to avoid talking to me? 447 00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:23,820 Just as any normal person would. 448 00:20:26,990 --> 00:20:29,070 Look, I'll admit it. 449 00:20:29,270 --> 00:20:31,340 Over the years, I've thought about 450 00:20:31,540 --> 00:20:33,910 whether we should be together. 451 00:20:34,110 --> 00:20:35,810 And thought about it... 452 00:20:36,010 --> 00:20:39,670 BOTH: And thought about it and thought about it. 453 00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:42,290 But you shouldn't have to think about it. 454 00:20:42,490 --> 00:20:43,970 Exactly. 455 00:20:44,770 --> 00:20:46,760 And... 456 00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:49,090 you know what I never have to think about? 457 00:20:49,290 --> 00:20:51,710 Being Carly and Freddie. 458 00:20:53,110 --> 00:20:54,530 I know. 459 00:20:54,730 --> 00:20:56,100 It's the best. 460 00:20:56,300 --> 00:20:58,190 (phone chimes) 461 00:20:59,020 --> 00:21:00,640 Shoot, I got to go. 462 00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:02,970 Uh, Pearl is legit about to join the circus. 463 00:21:03,170 --> 00:21:05,380 (chuckles): And she could. 464 00:21:05,580 --> 00:21:07,480 Pearl T. Barnum over here. 465 00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:08,950 (chuckles) 466 00:21:09,150 --> 00:21:12,020 Well, thanks for doing the show today. 467 00:21:12,220 --> 00:21:14,350 Or should I thank Dr. Susan? 468 00:21:14,550 --> 00:21:16,450 (chuckles) Of course. 469 00:21:16,650 --> 00:21:18,190 Paul said it was important to you. 470 00:21:18,390 --> 00:21:22,960 And no matter what awkward phase of Carly-Freddie-dom we're in, 471 00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:26,300 no matter who we're dating or how little we know 472 00:21:26,500 --> 00:21:28,870 about what we're signing up for, 473 00:21:29,070 --> 00:21:32,170 I am always gonna be there for you. 474 00:21:32,370 --> 00:21:33,740 I promise. 475 00:21:33,940 --> 00:21:35,920 (phone chimes) 476 00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:40,910 How does a leotard cost $7,000? 477 00:21:41,110 --> 00:21:43,950 I got to go, but, hey, look at us. 478 00:21:44,150 --> 00:21:46,650 We did it, we're talking, huh? Go us! 479 00:21:46,850 --> 00:21:48,400 Okay, bye. 480 00:21:49,370 --> 00:21:51,290 (door closes) 481 00:21:51,490 --> 00:21:53,460 Did your knees...? 482 00:21:53,660 --> 00:21:55,930 Yeah. They did. I buckled. 483 00:21:56,130 --> 00:21:59,800 Wine and crying, or whiskey and light violence? 484 00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:01,450 All of the above. 485 00:22:05,820 --> 00:22:08,140 Carly Shay is an influencer. 486 00:22:08,340 --> 00:22:10,270 I'm under this blanket of luxury. 487 00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:12,240 PAUL: She's relatable to all women. 488 00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:14,180 (roars) Love me. 489 00:22:14,380 --> 00:22:16,880 PAUL: She and her attractive, successful siblings... 490 00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:18,350 She knows what she did. 491 00:22:18,550 --> 00:22:20,450 (deep, raspy voice): Welcome to Troll Crossing. 492 00:22:20,650 --> 00:22:23,760 PAUL: ...plagued by hangers-on, desperate to get on TV. 493 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:25,290 Why did no one fetch me? 494 00:22:25,490 --> 00:22:26,290 I'm Dax Shepard. 495 00:22:26,490 --> 00:22:27,590 Will she ditch the losers 496 00:22:27,790 --> 00:22:29,790 and tackle her insecurities? 497 00:22:29,990 --> 00:22:32,350 All this on House of Shay. 498 00:22:33,820 --> 00:22:36,250 I didn't know it was gonna be that bad. 499 00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:40,640 Or that Paul was gonna recast himself as my brother. 500 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:43,830 (scoffs) I love it. 501 00:22:44,530 --> 00:22:46,190 Dax Shepard's gonna say he's me. 502 00:22:47,060 --> 00:22:48,250 Every network passed. 503 00:22:48,450 --> 00:22:50,100 Ah, makes sense. 504 00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:22,830 Ooh.