[patrons chattering]
[customer] Yo, you gonna order?
You can go ahead of me.
[worker] 75, your order's ready.
[energetic music playing]
Order up.
[patrons chattering]
- Welcome to Bing-Bang what can I... - [Flora] Excuse me. Um...
[ethereal music]
Welcome to Bing-Bang Burger. What can I bop you with?
Can I please have 3 Bing...
I'll take one Bing-Bang Burger. Um...
...please. And thank you.
[ethereal music]
Anything else?
[Jones] No, thank you? That's it?
And then you stepped aside?
[Cootie choking]
Well...
I was reading that... that love in a relationship
is built through knowing someone.
Bro.
Pass that shit.
I wanna take my time, and move slow,
- and get to know her. - Hold, wait, what, hold up.
- [Jones laughing] - What?
One, everything you read isn't applicable out here.
- Shit. - I know, but, I think...
Two, you don't know this girl. How you just gonna decide to build love with her?
Three, you brand new out here. A relationship? Nah.
Keep it a situationship.
What's a situationship?
It's a situationship if you hook up less than three times.
A relationship is three or more.
Oh.
Okay, yeah. Who made that up?
Uh, the universe and my spirit. Okay? Look.
If you see this girl at the lake with someone new,
you're gonna feel some kind of way if you had sex three or more times.
[couple laughing]
But if you had only did it twice...
Wait, I'm...
I'm kind of really high.
- I think I was in some sort of... - Hey, that's that hot box.
It'll get you. Just open the window.
[Scat] How you gonna tell him to open my window in my room?
I need to figure out how to get money to go to Bing-Bang tomorrow.
[Felix] Bro, you ain't even got money for a burger,
I don't know how you gonna afford a girlfriend...
[Jones] Don't listen to these fools, okay? You don't need no damned money.
- [Felix] Cap. - You just need to be you.
You just need to lead with you.
Look her right in the eyes and be like, say, "I want you."
I want you.
- Damn! - With your eyes. Don't say that out loud.
[Scat] Yo, shut up, shut up, shut up. Watch this.
♪ Parking Tickets Parking Tickets ♪♪
[doorbell rings]
[sigh]
[man] We waste away trying to overcome the trauma,
anguish, heartbreak,
the agony of loneliness.
Love itself is forged by suffering
that we attempt to tuck into the smalls of our backs,
but pain tells us we are alive, and bumps in the road merely reveal
our advance over the tar and pebbles.
- [opossum hissing] - [girl laughing]
Let us aspire to cherish the pain that is gifted to us.
It shapes the crests and crevices of love.
Revel in it.
Mm, beg for it. Mm, it is our loot for the triumph
of making the maggots wait another day.
Boi-yoi-yoi-yoi-yoing!
[group laughing]
[Felix] Damn. This shit is funny, dude.
- That shit's anything. - [Cootie laughs]
This shit'll never get old, bro.
- This is like... - That's my favorite character.
- Word? - Yeah.
The IBS driver, for real?
[Scat laughs]
- Yo, that's my guy, bro. - Oh.
Ay, look. I'ma bring you something, all right?
I'ma hook you up, bro.
Okay.
- Bro... - [Cootie laughing]
It's one of the greatest shows of all time.
[Mama] You need money for what? You mean, like, going back to the club and...
Hey, look, man. Check this out.
We don't give money to people who don't follow our rules.
Okay? I told you not to do it, and you did it anyway.
Now, you ain't ready.
And you gonna go out there and get yourself killed and put on display.
Now see, if you pull back, they'll forget.
They won't forget. Look, it's done. I'm out there, okay?
Can I hold some money please? Just a little bit.
'Cause I didn't think about how
- things cost money out there. - You know what?
You're welcome for the luxury of being ignorant to that.
You know why you ain't know that? 'Cause I had to feed your big ass.
That's why you didn't know that. You think the food is just walking up in here,
a loaf of bread got legs and just walk up in the house?
Hell naw. I'm working for it, spending the money, buying the food, and you eating it.
When you take a shit, I gotta take a coat hanger
and chop the shit down in the toilet. Nah, you don't know that.
You wanna go out there and make your own rules? Pshh.
Get your own money.
[hip hop music playing on radio]
What you lookin' at?
[Felix] Oh, yes. Hey, Cootie. You are going to love these. Oh my god.
What's up, Mo? How you doing, man? Can I get this tequila back here too?
- This one right here? - Yes, sirsky.
Let me see your ID.
Oh, yeah, I, um...
I'll get it.
I'm old enough. And I'll take these too.
- So you got ID? - [Felix] Bro, are you kidding me?
Look how big this man is. He gotta be at least 21.
I just turned 22, um...
I left my ID at the office.
Fuck, man.
Okay. I gotta do it for the Twamp Monster, huh?
- That's what I'm talking about. - Not you.
Wow, you just a hater. Alright, but..
37.58.
$37 and...
30...37.58?
Hey, bro, I'm tapped out. I thought one of y'all was gonna...
[Sam] The big man shouldn't go thirsty or broke.
My name is Sam Spiegel. I'm an agent.
Like a spy?
Sam Spiegel, agent, sports, talent, açaí products.
Fuck with me.
Let's get you paid playing pro sports.
People want you, bro. They need you. The 40's are on me.
Then can I put these back?
[electricity crackling]
[Sam] Cootie, can you still read that card in the dark?
[automated voice] Bing-Bang. Bing-Bang.
[Flora] Oh, Jerry. Um..
I wanted to talk to you about those ideas. The ones for upping our food game.
Right, so instead of iceberg lettuce, we get baby bok choy.
Instead of normal diced onions, we get grilled scallions,
and deep fried king trumpet mushrooms. The people will go crazy.
We can change the way people eat.
You do realize this is a multinational corporate chain, right?
Um...yeah.
[over intercom] Okay, here's what's gonna happen.
I need everybody from here to, but not including, the big guy in the back.
Hi. Um, when I call you forward, step forward with your order,
saying it as quickly as possible,
handing me your money, and stepping to the side.
- [woman 1] Double Bing and fries. - [woman 2] One special with extra fries.
- [man 1] Can I get two singles? - [woman 3] Two Bing-Bangs.
[man 2] One Bing-Bang, one cola.
Welcome to Bing-Bang Burger. What can I bop you with today?
Can I have five Bing-Bang Burgers, please?
Wow.
Five.
Ooh, I don't wanna jinx it, but I think I met a man who has money
for liquor and a girlfriend.
[gentle music]
[pennies clattering]
[gentle music]
[pennies clattering]
There'll be plenty more where that came from.
[record skips]
What the hell's wrong with these cushions?
Promise.
Just um...
[pennies clattering]
I like your button.
My button?
It looks like they used a whiter white than usual.
Oh.
[gentle music]
What are you studying?
Twamp Monster. Hey.
Well, I'm studying because I think
the death penalty is a horrific thing, and I wanna do something about it.
Like what?
It'll be a while until it's abolished all over.
Okay.
So I'm studying to be an executioner.
Oh.
Capital punishment is such a horrific thing. If I can, as an executioner,
change things up a a little bit,
making their deaths a little less painful, that's a victory.
But they'll still be...
Most executioners use the hardcourt method.
The prisoner lays down, they're strapped in, they wrap the tourniquet,
and immediately inject at a 36- degree angle into the vein.
The Stavlisi Method is more humane.
The prisoner's strapped in, tourniquet applied,
we place our left hand on the heart of the prisoner, so they don't feel alone,
and then we inject at a more awkward for us, but gentler for them, 20-degree angle.
I don't... I don't see how that...
Some people go for pie in the sky, I just want practical solutions.
- [electricity crackling] - [customer 1] Man, what the fuck?
[customer 2] Aw, man.
Come on.
[customer 1] Am I still gonna get my shake?
[Felix] Mhm. Uh-huh.
Cootie, you don't know nothing about this. Ready?
You gotta hit 'em with the... uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!
- You don't know nothing about that. - [Scat] Yo pass that over here. Ay!
[Felix laughing]
- [Cootie] What's that supposed to do? - [Felix] That's called the [grunts]
Boy, your shoe. Ooh, boy. This thing stink. Take this, put this on.
Y'all got me tired.
[R&B music in the background]
Thank you.
- [Scat] Damn, nigga'. - Right.
- There's a little bit. - Uh-uh.
I'm straight.
Ain't nothing in there. Don't nobody want your spit water.
[phone ringing]
Answer it.
Hello.
- [Sam] Turn on Channel 36. - [Cootie] Turn on Channel 36.
Ooh, shit.
- That's the sports channel. - Oh, shit.
- Mhm-hmm. - Boy, you finna be famous, bro.
Like, you 'bout to have your name on Top Ramen,
and like, cereal, and shit like that.
- That's something people want? - Nah, not me.
I wanna see my thing on the side of a building.
[sportscaster] The Celtics edged the Bulls 110 to 108.
The infamous giant, known as the Twamp Monster,
is preemptively banned from every single professional sport,
- including competitive walking. - [Felix] Bullshit.
[sportscaster] Now owners say his height...
- I didn't even get to try out. - [Sam] They're afraid of the future.
It wasn't right for you. I got something better lined up.
He said he has something better for me.
- Like what? - Tell him you ain't doing no Illuminati.
Oh, um, my manager says no Illuminati.
He says I'm gonna model at a mall. [laughing]
[upbeat music]
[Sam] Cootie! I am so glad that you were down to fast track that contract.
Asphalt Royalty's brand represents the hustle of the streets
and the ability of street hustlas, like you, to rise above.
Lemons to lemonade, cocaine to crack. You get it.
They want you and all you represent to represent their brand.
It is smart of you to monetize your notoriety.
You'll model here, and you'll be in their online and print campaigns.
You are about to be P-A-Y-E-D.
Tight.
Your people are gonna be so proud of you, man.
I'll go over there while you work your magic.
- You remember the position? - Mm-hm.
[triumphant music]
- [crowd cheering] - [orchestral music]
[Sam] Psst, Cootie!
- [crowd clapping] - [gentle orchestral music]
[crowd cheering]
[cameras clicking]
Excuse me. If you're gonna take a picture of me and my boy,
you gotta make sure my pose is right. Hold up.
Just a little...
[orchestral music]
- You're doing this for money. - For burgers.
For a girl. Do you even know her number yet?
- See, I be trying to tell you... - Hey, Cootie?
So my guy here from Asphalt Royalty loves your work.
They have an idea.
♪ Bitch better have my money ♪♪
Hey, Cootie.
So the expression on your face is sad,
as opposed to angry and powerful.
Uh, yeah.
Your hand, just your hand, yeah. If you could just put that five inches up.
- [upbeat music] - [crowd clapping]
He says "Fucking awesome."
We're gonna do some really cool, new, cutting edge things. Me and you, bud.
[Cootie] Yes, yes.
This character's fucked up. I know.
This character?
This piece has a creative intention of, um...
- It means something, you know? - I'm not trying to talk you out of a job.
I just came here to talk to you about the network.
Again?
One of our campaigns is this Eviction Defense Action,
and it'd be really cool if you could join us and be a part of it...
Jones, that all sounds really important, but I've been working here all day,
and that sounds like a lot of work, okay?
It.. it is.
I'm learning a lot here. You know, I'm discovering new things, and...
[Jones] Exactly. I'm with it.
We wanna discover new things by changing the world around us.
That sounds right, um...
How about you hit me up next week and we talk about it, okay?
Yeah, cool. Okay, next week. Next week, uh-
- I can do Thursday. - Thursday, 1:15.
Okay, Wednesday at 5:00 is good for me.
Okay, see you Saturday at 4:00.
[Sam] Cootie, that's time.
- My back hurts. - I got a new pose, easier on your back.
- [triumphant music] - [crowd cheering]
[suspenseful music]
Great Polypheme.
We've waited decades for your arrival.
Uh, what?
It's written by Sam that a giant among men will reveal himself to us.
- Sam Spiegel? My agent? - No. Sam Woodson.
He used to live over in Novato with us. Died years ago.
Well, how does he know me?
He prophesied you.
He said you'd come from a desolate place.
I'm not from a desolate place. I'm from Oakland.
Yes, a desolate place.
Okay, you would think that. You're from Marin.
- Agree to disagree, Great Polypheme. - I'm not even into polyamory.
I'm kind of building up to uno-amory right now.
Sticky Note Number 12 says you would be born in October.
I was born in August.
Exactly. August is the eighth month.
October is the original eighth month, before Caesar.
You're the Messiah.
I'm not the Messiah.
And the Great Polypheme will deny his own existence.
Sam, Sticky Note Number 25.
We'll await your revelation and instructions.
[gentle music]
[crowd chattering]
[Sam] Cootie, remember... Horizon lips.
♪ Bing-Bang, Bing-Bang, Bing-Bang ♪♪
5-1-0-5-5-5-0-1-8-9.
- What? - My number.
5-1-0-5-5-5-0-1-8-9. Do you need me to write it down, or...
5-1-0-5-5-5-0-1-8-9. I'll remember.
Call me. You don't have to wait in line. No, I can get you some burgers.
Okay.
But I don't like them.
I know.
[upbeat music]
[Mama] Mm. Come on, let's both have one more.
S-see, I-I knew it...
You know I don't party no more.
Agree to one, two, then it's three. You don't stop.
You're damned right. That's how you like me. Rapid fire, repeating action.
Oh, this is your spot.
Cootie got out, but you still here running around wild.
He didn't just get out, you forced his hand and you pushed him out more.
Listen, I didn't force him into no sambo in the manger nativity scene.
The boy is making choices on limited information.
Well then we need to fill in the blanks for him so that he has better choices.
I told you, we're not gonna... Listen, and the information...
[bartender] Hang on. I know who you are.
I'm a big fan. Sloppy Seconds Martisse, Definite Destruction Martisse?
- Yeah, that's me. - Tango or tiptoe Martisse.
I love all of that. And, you know, there's that one video you guys made
that I play in here all the time.
It's on my phone though. Check this out. Hang on one second.
Everybody, listen up. We got a legend in here.
[patrons cheering] Turn that up!
- Get up on your music history right now. - [patron] Turn that up!
- Check this out. - ♪ Girl, you're trapped in my beam ♪
♪ This might be obscene But I got a scheme ♪♪
[bartender] Looks like you're wearing the same thing now
you were wearing 30 years ago.
♪ To bust out the seams And we got the means ♪
♪ To get all up in them nuts The truth is they're stuck ♪
♪ And we came to fuck... ♪
Listen, we can't give him this much information at this point.
And we gotta get him to where he's going,
and then we gotta make sure he don't make the mistakes so he can learn.
But when it comes for him...
We promised we wasn't gonna talk about that.
- Look... - No, not here.
We have to, because when it comes for him,
there will be chaos, pain, blood, and destruction all around us.
[device beeping]
Let's hope he's ready.
[funky music playing]
♪ Yeah, uh ♪
♪ Come on, girl ♪
♪ Girl, you're trapped in my beam This might be obscene ♪
♪ But I got a scheme 'Cause we got platinum dreams ♪
♪ To bust out the seams And we got the means ♪
♪ To get all up in them guts The truth is they stuck ♪
♪ And we came to fuck shit up ♪
♪ And stomp through the town It's all coming down ♪
♪ I'm loving the sound In a world that's way too cold ♪
♪ Come on and explode with me ♪
♪ Ain't nowhere that we can't go ♪
♪ Come on and explode ♪♪
♪ Come on, girl ♪
♪ Get up, uh ♪
♪ Come on, girl ♪
♪ Get up, uh ♪
♪ Come on, girl ♪
♪ Get up, uh ♪
♪ Come on, girl ♪
♪ Get up ♪♪
♪ You got the fire and I'm trying to get the womp womp ♪♪
[logo rumbling]