1 00:00:01,936 --> 00:00:03,535 -Shucks, I got poor daddy. 2 00:00:03,537 --> 00:00:05,470 -Sweet, I got rich daddy! 3 00:00:05,472 --> 00:00:07,339 -Look, guys, I got sexy daddy. 4 00:00:07,341 --> 00:00:08,673 -Lucky! -Lucky! 5 00:00:08,675 --> 00:00:10,275 -Hey, kids, what are you playing? 6 00:00:10,277 --> 00:00:12,144 -We're playing "daddy, it's me!" 7 00:00:12,146 --> 00:00:13,345 -"florida edition"! 8 00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:14,746 -This isn't your grandmother's simple, 9 00:00:14,748 --> 00:00:16,681 No-nonsense paternity test. 10 00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:19,551 "daddy, it's me!" is the fun and roundabout way 11 00:00:19,553 --> 00:00:21,420 To learn your birth father's identity. 12 00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:23,622 -I found him! My dad is pizza paul, 13 00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:26,625 Owner and ceo of local pizzeria pizza paul's. 14 00:00:26,627 --> 00:00:27,826 I usually go for pepperoni, 15 00:00:27,828 --> 00:00:29,694 But this time, I'll ask for hugs. 16 00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:31,163 -Learn your medical history. 17 00:00:31,165 --> 00:00:32,631 Understand why you're ugly. 18 00:00:32,633 --> 00:00:34,833 Plus, "daddy, it's me!" results are admissible in court, 19 00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:37,569 So mom can finally get that child support. 20 00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:39,772 Available wherever games are sold. 21 00:00:39,774 --> 00:00:43,375 -Welcome back to "self-inflicted gunshot bloopers." 22 00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:45,243 [ rapid gunshots, man screaming ] 23 00:00:45,245 --> 00:00:46,511 -Mom? -Shh, shh, shh. 24 00:00:46,513 --> 00:00:48,913 Watch the dumb people shoot themselves. 25 00:00:48,915 --> 00:00:50,983 -You know how you can never seem to remember 26 00:00:50,985 --> 00:00:52,250 Who my father is? 27 00:00:52,252 --> 00:00:55,320 We should play "daddy, it's me, florida edition"! 28 00:00:55,322 --> 00:00:57,856 Did you hear the part about child support?! 29 00:00:57,858 --> 00:01:01,593 -Annie, if he could pay child support, I'd remember him. 30 00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:03,595 -Ah! We have no money for game. 31 00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:05,730 -I actually have a copy upstairs. 32 00:01:05,732 --> 00:01:08,333 They gave it to me last month at the sperm doctor. 33 00:01:08,335 --> 00:01:10,335 -You're a sperm donor? 34 00:01:10,337 --> 00:01:11,936 -I keep trying to get rid of it, 35 00:01:11,938 --> 00:01:14,206 But it just keeps coming back. 36 00:01:14,208 --> 00:01:15,740 Damn! 37 00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:17,942 -Well, I can't wait to find out who my dad is. 38 00:01:17,944 --> 00:01:19,478 Maybe he's a typewriter salesman. 39 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:21,013 Or an insurance adjuster! 40 00:01:21,015 --> 00:01:22,881 [ gasps ] or a cat trainer! 41 00:01:22,883 --> 00:01:26,885 -I could totally see your dad being a cat trainer, annie. 42 00:01:26,887 --> 00:01:28,553 -Did the game say who your dad is? 43 00:01:28,555 --> 00:01:31,223 -Enough talking! -Trying to watch tv! 44 00:01:31,225 --> 00:01:33,892 -I don't need to play a game, because I already know. 45 00:01:33,894 --> 00:01:36,495 Baba's given me enough hints over the years. 46 00:01:36,497 --> 00:01:38,430 Big mustache, glittery eyes. 47 00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:40,833 Only one possibility: Tom selleck. 48 00:01:40,835 --> 00:01:42,967 -Wow! He dated monica. -Yeah. 49 00:01:42,969 --> 00:01:46,971 He's where my effortless sexy comes from. 50 00:01:46,973 --> 00:01:49,107 Damn! 51 00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,375 -Just tell him. 52 00:01:50,377 --> 00:01:51,976 -Alright, alright. Baba come clean. 53 00:01:51,978 --> 00:01:55,447 Peter, father not tom selleck. -What?! 54 00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:58,583 I guess that explains why I can't grow a mustache! 55 00:01:58,585 --> 00:02:02,120 -Hey, you and baba can play the game with me and trophy. 56 00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:04,989 -Like a double date? -Board game not for baba. 57 00:02:04,991 --> 00:02:07,659 Dice are, ooh, sticky children cubes. 58 00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:09,461 But you want meet father? 59 00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:12,665 Come, I take you. 60 00:02:12,667 --> 00:02:14,666 -Yes! -Fine. 61 00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:16,535 If you insist on finding your father, at least 62 00:02:16,537 --> 00:02:18,403 We can actually make it fun. 63 00:02:18,405 --> 00:02:20,072 [ baby cries ] 64 00:02:20,074 --> 00:02:24,943 -♪ I'm not as crazy as I used to be ♪ 65 00:02:24,945 --> 00:02:27,880 ♪ some of my devils up and left me free ♪ 66 00:02:27,882 --> 00:02:31,750 ♪ to find a quiet space I'm not as out of place ♪ 67 00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:35,554 ♪ and I'm coming home again ♪ 68 00:02:35,556 --> 00:02:40,158 ♪ it's been too long a time gettin' back what's mine ♪ 69 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:45,029 ♪ and I can't remember why I went away ♪ 70 00:02:45,031 --> 00:02:49,167 ♪ but it's lookin' now like maybe I can stay ♪ 71 00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:51,570 Is that any good? 72 00:02:51,572 --> 00:02:55,908 [ bright chime ] 73 00:02:55,910 --> 00:02:58,977 -Oh. What's with the no pants? 74 00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:01,313 -Since I don't remember them so much, 75 00:03:01,315 --> 00:03:04,849 I want to make sure the potential dads remember me. 76 00:03:04,851 --> 00:03:08,186 Plus, if the goal here is child support, 77 00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:11,456 This oughta get them reaching for their wallets. 78 00:03:11,458 --> 00:03:13,325 -The goal is to find my father. 79 00:03:13,327 --> 00:03:16,461 -Yeah, well, let's try and make this interesting for both of us. 80 00:03:16,463 --> 00:03:18,997 -Hey, daddy! It's me -- 81 00:03:18,999 --> 00:03:22,134 -Euthanasia fantasy. Annie for short. 82 00:03:22,136 --> 00:03:25,069 -To begin, provide a florida dna sample from you 83 00:03:25,071 --> 00:03:27,205 And your biological mother. Use the included chaw -- 84 00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:30,943 -Yeah, yeah, we know what to do. [ both spit ] 85 00:03:30,945 --> 00:03:35,213 -Damn, girl, looks like there are 15 possible fathers. 86 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:39,151 -15?! So, you had intercourse experiences 87 00:03:39,153 --> 00:03:40,685 With 15 different men 88 00:03:40,687 --> 00:03:42,821 In the span of a single ovulation window? 89 00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:44,757 That's two to three different guys every day, 90 00:03:44,759 --> 00:03:47,225 An average of 2.5 men! 91 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,027 -If you saw some of these wieners, 92 00:03:49,029 --> 00:03:51,696 You'd get where the point-five comes in. 93 00:03:51,698 --> 00:03:53,898 Mm, boom-shaka-laka! 94 00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:57,970 -Hold for a recent photo of possible daddy number 1. 95 00:03:57,972 --> 00:03:59,638 -♪ who's your daddy? ♪ 96 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,173 -You slept with kirk from the 9/11? 97 00:04:01,175 --> 00:04:03,375 -Honey, you are old enough to know the truth -- 98 00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:06,378 There is no such thing as a free mini taquito. 99 00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:08,180 -They're called taqui-teenies. 100 00:04:08,182 --> 00:04:10,449 Dad knows that. -Or does he? 101 00:04:10,451 --> 00:04:13,318 Proceed to the 9/11 to verify paternity. 102 00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:16,188 But first, the game asks that you put on pants. 103 00:04:16,190 --> 00:04:20,592 -Geez, is this the florida edition or the huguenot edition? 104 00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:22,127 Get it? 105 00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:24,663 I don't. 106 00:04:24,665 --> 00:04:26,999 -Hey, annie! How'd the math test go? 107 00:04:27,001 --> 00:04:29,668 -A-minus -- I missed the last question because -- 108 00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:32,471 -You have a nervous bladder and had to run to the bathroom. 109 00:04:32,473 --> 00:04:34,939 You'll get it next time, kiddo. 110 00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:37,009 -You run out of stamps, annie? -Nope! 111 00:04:37,011 --> 00:04:39,878 I'm going to find my father! -That's great. 112 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,279 I'm finally able to deliver the letters 113 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,348 You've been sending him all these years! 114 00:04:43,350 --> 00:04:45,350 -Huh, seems like you spend all your free time 115 00:04:45,352 --> 00:04:47,019 Cultivating father-figure relationships. 116 00:04:47,021 --> 00:04:48,620 You should just do what I did at your age -- 117 00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:50,489 Funnel your daddy issues into [bleep] 118 00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:52,624 Old dudes for designer clothes. 119 00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,292 -That's what I'm trying to avoid. 120 00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:57,830 -You say that, but a dune buggy and a tea cup yorkie 121 00:04:57,832 --> 00:05:01,834 Can sure do wonders for the self-esteem. 122 00:05:01,836 --> 00:05:04,503 -Hello, father. Yo, pop! 123 00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:06,371 It's me, p-dawg! 124 00:05:06,373 --> 00:05:09,107 Hello, daddy. Why did you abandon me? 125 00:05:09,109 --> 00:05:11,109 I can't wait to meet my dad and find out 126 00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:12,577 What kind of a man I really am. 127 00:05:12,579 --> 00:05:14,979 All my life, I've just been the rugged type. 128 00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:18,116 But I dunno, maybe I'm actually the podcast guy. 129 00:05:18,118 --> 00:05:21,653 Or the yoga-class playah. Or the guy with a pipe! 130 00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:23,588 -All will be revealed. 131 00:05:23,590 --> 00:05:25,657 Shoo. -Oh, my gosh. 132 00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:29,261 Are we in a graveyard because my father... 133 00:05:29,263 --> 00:05:31,329 Is dead? -Not dead, 134 00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,198 Just already lived. 135 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:37,202 I know it's one of these graves, but, eh... 136 00:05:37,204 --> 00:05:39,271 Yeah, baba forget which one? 137 00:05:39,273 --> 00:05:40,472 -This one? -No. 138 00:05:40,474 --> 00:05:42,407 -This one? This one? -No. No. 139 00:05:42,409 --> 00:05:44,943 -This one? This one? This one? -No. No. No. 140 00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:46,478 -This one? This one? -No. No. 141 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,747 See? Baba fun. It like game. 142 00:05:48,749 --> 00:05:52,016 -A game? Okay. 143 00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:53,686 [ chimes ] -ho, ho, ho! 144 00:05:53,688 --> 00:05:55,487 Bop it to hear more. 145 00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:59,291 Back in my day, a man could be anything he wanted to be, 146 00:05:59,293 --> 00:06:00,559 As long as he worked hard 147 00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:02,761 And didn't spend any time with his family. 148 00:06:02,763 --> 00:06:04,696 Ask me anything about my life. 149 00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:06,298 -Are you my father? 150 00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:07,366 -Ehhh! 151 00:06:07,368 --> 00:06:09,568 -I'd stay and chat, but I gotta find my dad. 152 00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:12,637 I can't wait to find out if my fear of grilled cheese 153 00:06:12,639 --> 00:06:14,506 And women my own age is genetic. 154 00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:17,442 -Whew. They had me worried I was the father for a second there. 155 00:06:17,444 --> 00:06:20,779 -You had an affair with my funeral director? 156 00:06:20,781 --> 00:06:23,715 -Well, caskets ain't cheap, mary. 157 00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:25,117 -Okay, eleventh question -- 158 00:06:25,119 --> 00:06:28,787 Do you think gummy bears are friends with each other. 159 00:06:28,789 --> 00:06:30,322 -It'd be messed up if they weren't. 160 00:06:30,324 --> 00:06:33,125 -Yes! Okay, question 12 -- what's the difference 161 00:06:33,127 --> 00:06:35,928 Between ketchup and mustard, in your own words. 162 00:06:35,930 --> 00:06:37,796 -Enough. Listen, kirk, we're playing 163 00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:39,264 "daddy, it's me! Florida edition." 164 00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:41,133 You came up as annie's potential father. 165 00:06:41,135 --> 00:06:43,936 -Oh, right! I always felt like we had a connection, annie. 166 00:06:43,938 --> 00:06:46,004 Like, we're talking about corn dogs, 167 00:06:46,006 --> 00:06:48,072 But we're actually talking about not corn dog? 168 00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:50,074 -Yes! -We need a dna sample. 169 00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:52,210 For old times' sake, how 'bout we go in the back room 170 00:06:52,212 --> 00:06:54,012 And you squirt in my sizzler? 171 00:06:54,014 --> 00:06:55,880 -As long as I can bring my hot dog roller. 172 00:06:55,882 --> 00:06:57,482 Gotta keep an eye on 'em. -I can do it. 173 00:06:57,484 --> 00:06:59,017 Might as well start getting acquainted 174 00:06:59,019 --> 00:07:00,819 With the "family" business. 175 00:07:00,821 --> 00:07:03,422 -Thanks, annie. Mm. 176 00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:06,158 -Ow! Ow! Ow! 177 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,293 ♪♪ 178 00:07:08,295 --> 00:07:12,164 So, you're gonna have to do that with all 15 possible fathers? 179 00:07:12,166 --> 00:07:15,099 -No! There's a breathalyzer game piece that reads their dna. 180 00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:16,301 I just wanted to see if kirk's penis 181 00:07:16,303 --> 00:07:18,436 Looks as weird as I remembered. -Ew. 182 00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:21,573 -Like a single piece of raw bacon, 183 00:07:21,575 --> 00:07:25,377 But he sure seems like he could daddy you all night long. 184 00:07:25,379 --> 00:07:27,712 [ squelches, beeping ] 185 00:07:27,714 --> 00:07:29,247 -Not your daddy! -Hmm. 186 00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:31,115 You know what? That's okay. 187 00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:33,786 Maybe kirk and I are better off as just friends. 188 00:07:33,788 --> 00:07:37,389 Who's next? -Only 14 fathers to go. 189 00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:41,994 -Lonny! From blissful passings! 190 00:07:41,996 --> 00:07:44,997 Your high school sweetheart. I bet it's him. 191 00:07:44,999 --> 00:07:46,665 -Only 90 minutes in heavy traffic, 192 00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:50,869 And you'll arrive at lonny's door to find out the truth! 193 00:07:50,871 --> 00:07:52,537 -I doubt he's your father -- getting pregnant 194 00:07:52,539 --> 00:07:55,207 On a tilt-a-whirl is almost impossible. 195 00:07:55,209 --> 00:07:56,875 ♪♪ 196 00:07:56,877 --> 00:08:00,412 -[ panting ] 197 00:08:00,414 --> 00:08:02,815 -In! -Ah! 198 00:08:02,817 --> 00:08:04,683 A grave on an island! 199 00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:06,084 That's got to be my dad! 200 00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:08,152 He's all alone, but not lonely. 201 00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:10,288 Remind you of anyone? 202 00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:13,157 C'mon, baba! 203 00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:15,227 Dad, your son is on your shore. 204 00:08:15,229 --> 00:08:16,961 Oh, my god -- his cause of death 205 00:08:16,963 --> 00:08:18,763 Was getting eaten by an alligator. 206 00:08:18,765 --> 00:08:20,899 -Eaten. Yes. 207 00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:24,236 -But wait, it says he died nine months before I was born. 208 00:08:24,238 --> 00:08:26,171 Wait, how is that possible?! 209 00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:31,576 -Well, just as you were conceived, the gator, 210 00:08:31,578 --> 00:08:33,846 He chomp him off my body! 211 00:08:33,848 --> 00:08:34,979 -Oh, my god! 212 00:08:34,981 --> 00:08:36,515 This explains everything! 213 00:08:36,517 --> 00:08:37,782 My fear of gators! 214 00:08:37,784 --> 00:08:40,452 My fear of being conceived! 215 00:08:40,454 --> 00:08:42,387 [ wailing ] 216 00:08:42,389 --> 00:08:44,256 [ slide whistle descending scale ] 217 00:08:44,258 --> 00:08:46,124 Huh?! -Fooled you! Is not true. 218 00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:50,062 See? Baba make finding dead father into good time. 219 00:08:50,064 --> 00:08:53,398 Come on, back in boat. Baba paddle this time. 220 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:54,733 Hup! 221 00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:57,202 [ huffing ] 222 00:08:57,204 --> 00:09:00,205 -Lonny sucks, and his wife sucks even more, 223 00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:02,474 But at least we know he's rich! 224 00:09:02,476 --> 00:09:03,542 -Pants on, please. 225 00:09:03,544 --> 00:09:04,743 -You want to play the game 226 00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:06,211 Or win the game? 227 00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:08,146 [ doorbell chimes ] 228 00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:09,882 -Hello, sad little panda. 229 00:09:09,884 --> 00:09:12,350 Please go away. We don't need any knives. 230 00:09:12,352 --> 00:09:14,152 -No, wait. I'm playing a board game. 231 00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:16,889 -Fine. I'll buy one knife. 232 00:09:16,891 --> 00:09:18,356 -Oh. It's you. 233 00:09:18,358 --> 00:09:21,226 -I wanted to say "oh, it's you"! 234 00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:24,229 -The game revealed lonny might be my father. 235 00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:27,165 Also, is joey home? -Joey's away at candle camp. 236 00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:30,102 I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear the other part. 237 00:09:30,104 --> 00:09:33,037 -Oh, hey, troph. Long time no -- 238 00:09:33,039 --> 00:09:34,707 "daddy, it's me!"? Unh-uh! 239 00:09:34,709 --> 00:09:36,441 I refuse to be breathalyzed. 240 00:09:36,443 --> 00:09:38,110 I've made that mistake before. 241 00:09:38,112 --> 00:09:39,711 -Ugh. -Ouch! 242 00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:41,313 Couldn't you have taken one from my head? 243 00:09:41,315 --> 00:09:43,248 I'm trying to grow my tony stark! 244 00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:45,183 -Let's get out of here, annie. 245 00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:47,185 White people give me the creeps. 246 00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:48,787 -Mom, we're white, too. 247 00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:51,256 -We're florida white. 248 00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:53,726 -Not da fathah! -Phew. 249 00:09:53,728 --> 00:09:57,129 Let's just go try on swimsuits and stand next to each other. 250 00:09:57,131 --> 00:09:58,731 Mama needs a little pick-me-up. 251 00:09:58,733 --> 00:09:59,998 -You don't get it. 252 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,734 -Listen, annie, having a father's 253 00:10:01,736 --> 00:10:04,403 Only for more family-oriented animated shows. 254 00:10:04,405 --> 00:10:08,740 Has it even occurred to you that maybe he is not 255 00:10:08,742 --> 00:10:11,009 In your life for a good reason? 256 00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:12,410 -You're the reason! 257 00:10:12,412 --> 00:10:15,013 If I'd known my dad all along, I'd be a happier, 258 00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:18,283 More well-adjusted, beach-ready type of girl. 259 00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:19,952 -You can't be that well-adjusted 260 00:10:19,954 --> 00:10:22,220 If your breasts are two different sizes. 261 00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:24,022 That's physics. -Come on, annie. 262 00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:25,624 Roll them bones. 263 00:10:25,626 --> 00:10:27,626 Daddy number three is jeffrey t. 264 00:10:27,628 --> 00:10:30,629 Proceed to the route, just 45 minutes back across town. 265 00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:33,165 120 if avoiding toll roads. -Ugh! That's it! 266 00:10:33,167 --> 00:10:35,367 If you insist on finding your father, 267 00:10:35,369 --> 00:10:37,702 Let me see if I can speed this up. 268 00:10:37,704 --> 00:10:39,504 -Are you sure this isn't gonna backfire? 269 00:10:39,506 --> 00:10:41,640 You don't know how your death powers really work, right? 270 00:10:41,642 --> 00:10:43,842 -I don't know how cocaine works either, annie. 271 00:10:43,844 --> 00:10:46,111 I just know it helps the time pass. 272 00:10:46,113 --> 00:10:49,114 We're goin' in! [ annie gasps ] 273 00:10:49,116 --> 00:10:51,417 -Aaah! [ slams ] 274 00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:57,055 -Why are we in my gym teacher's house?! 275 00:10:57,057 --> 00:10:59,991 -You mean our gym teacher -- back in the day, he'd say, 276 00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,459 "hit the showers", but he meant, 277 00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:03,128 "stand in the shower clean and naked 278 00:11:03,130 --> 00:11:04,996 Until I get a free moment." 279 00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,732 Consent used to be more subjective. 280 00:11:06,734 --> 00:11:08,800 -Not really. Can they see us? 281 00:11:08,802 --> 00:11:11,737 -No, I believe the "jumanji"-ing got mixed with 282 00:11:11,739 --> 00:11:13,739 A ghost of christmas past-ing kinda thing. 283 00:11:13,741 --> 00:11:16,474 We're looking at the life you could have led 284 00:11:16,476 --> 00:11:19,144 Had you grown up with a father. Shh! 285 00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:21,479 -...98, 99 100. 286 00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:23,148 Alright, annie, eyes on the prize. 287 00:11:23,150 --> 00:11:25,283 Just 200 more laps around the futon. 288 00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:27,553 I want you staying fit and tight. 289 00:11:27,555 --> 00:11:30,488 -This could-be daddy requires more personal fitness 290 00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:32,824 And less body acceptance than I imagined. 291 00:11:32,826 --> 00:11:35,961 -Oh, so you don't fond this alt-life amazing? 292 00:11:35,963 --> 00:11:39,697 Little miss "I got suspended for eating in the locker room"? 293 00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:43,569 -It's not my fault jumping jacks give me chicken cravings. 294 00:11:43,571 --> 00:11:46,438 -Aw, damn it. -This guy shoots blanks. 295 00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:47,973 Literally! Figuratively! 296 00:11:47,975 --> 00:11:49,441 -Damn. -Physically. Emotionally. 297 00:11:49,443 --> 00:11:51,709 -Not the daddy! 298 00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:53,045 -I'll admit, I'm relieved. 299 00:11:53,047 --> 00:11:55,047 I hate wearing flip-flops in the shower. 300 00:11:55,049 --> 00:11:57,315 Who's next? Aaah! 301 00:11:57,317 --> 00:11:59,517 Oh. The house got "jumanji"'d too? 302 00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:00,986 What else can you "jumanji"? 303 00:12:00,988 --> 00:12:02,854 -Your damn go-getter attitude. 304 00:12:02,856 --> 00:12:05,523 -Ooh, this daddy looks attentive. 305 00:12:05,525 --> 00:12:06,858 -Come on, annie! 306 00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:08,126 Time to practice! 307 00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:09,461 If you don't land the basket toss, 308 00:12:09,463 --> 00:12:11,396 We're gonna lose our energy drink sponsorship. 309 00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:13,665 Then we can't afford to self-publish my book 310 00:12:13,667 --> 00:12:16,468 On how to make money off your child's corporate sponsorships! 311 00:12:16,470 --> 00:12:18,870 -Almost finished with my spray tan. 312 00:12:18,872 --> 00:12:20,205 -I remember him. 313 00:12:20,207 --> 00:12:22,140 He was our school mascot. 314 00:12:22,142 --> 00:12:24,276 We did it inside the costume at halftime. 315 00:12:24,278 --> 00:12:27,413 -Ow! -Aren't any of my daddy options, 316 00:12:27,415 --> 00:12:28,947 How do I say this -- -daddy... 317 00:12:28,949 --> 00:12:31,216 -...Better people? -Nope. 318 00:12:31,218 --> 00:12:33,885 They're all humanity's versions of unfinished basements. 319 00:12:33,887 --> 00:12:35,821 Look, I was a needy young girl. 320 00:12:35,823 --> 00:12:37,355 Baba didn't have much to give, 321 00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:39,825 And she wouldn't even tell me who my father was. 322 00:12:39,827 --> 00:12:41,493 -Well, too bad! 323 00:12:41,495 --> 00:12:44,430 I'm gonna have a dad in my life and it's gonna be awesome! 324 00:12:44,432 --> 00:12:47,098 -Sperm squad, is this a touchdown? 325 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:50,702 -N-o-t your d-a-d! 326 00:12:50,704 --> 00:12:52,570 -Whoa! 327 00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:55,907 -Why didn't I think to try the virtual directory earlier? 328 00:12:55,909 --> 00:13:00,045 Okay, the only grave I haven't checked is... 329 00:13:00,047 --> 00:13:01,179 [ gasps ] -last one. 330 00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:04,116 Baba have good feeling. 331 00:13:04,118 --> 00:13:05,717 -Dad? Father? 332 00:13:05,719 --> 00:13:09,121 Is it you? 333 00:13:09,123 --> 00:13:12,991 -Son pete, you're the son I always wanted, my son. 334 00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:15,994 -It's him! It's him! I found my daddy! 335 00:13:15,996 --> 00:13:18,930 -Bingo! Now we go home. 336 00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:22,134 -Son pete, give pappy some butterfly kisses. 337 00:13:22,136 --> 00:13:23,469 -You got it, dad! 338 00:13:23,471 --> 00:13:26,138 I knew we'd have the same level of comfort 339 00:13:26,140 --> 00:13:28,606 In terms of intra-family intimacy. 340 00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:30,942 I knew we would. -Peter, come. 341 00:13:30,944 --> 00:13:32,544 You get pink eye from dead father. 342 00:13:32,546 --> 00:13:34,746 -But we haven't even compared ankles yet. 343 00:13:34,748 --> 00:13:36,948 Dad and I have a lot to discuss. 344 00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:39,017 First of all, tell me about my conception. 345 00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:41,286 Baba always skips the good parts. 346 00:13:41,288 --> 00:13:44,490 -That's between me and your mother. 347 00:13:44,492 --> 00:13:48,293 -[ gasps ] fathers shouldn't keep secrets. I hate you! 348 00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:51,697 -Dearest son pete, I hated my old man's hologram, too. 349 00:13:51,699 --> 00:13:55,501 He was always drunk and trying to hit me with his holo-fists. 350 00:13:55,503 --> 00:13:58,837 I want to be a different kind of posthumous father. 351 00:13:58,839 --> 00:14:00,438 Butterfly kiss? 352 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:04,576 -How can I stay mad at you when we're so much alike? 353 00:14:06,180 --> 00:14:07,445 -It's not that I'm afraid your life 354 00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:09,181 Will be better with your dad. 355 00:14:09,183 --> 00:14:11,717 It's that I know it will be worse. 356 00:14:11,719 --> 00:14:14,119 Attention-starved soon-to-be teen mommies 357 00:14:14,121 --> 00:14:16,522 Sleep with losers, okay? 358 00:14:16,524 --> 00:14:18,656 Can we please go home now? -No! 359 00:14:18,658 --> 00:14:21,259 Even if my daddy was a scumbag 15 years ago, 360 00:14:21,261 --> 00:14:22,994 He might have turned his life around. 361 00:14:22,996 --> 00:14:25,663 Like ben affleck or bill clinton. 362 00:14:25,665 --> 00:14:27,332 -Not really the best examples. 363 00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:29,868 -Where's your "jumanji" spirit? 364 00:14:29,870 --> 00:14:33,105 -Fine! But let's fifth gear this thing. 365 00:14:35,342 --> 00:14:36,942 -Oh. Okay. 366 00:14:36,944 --> 00:14:38,276 Even though we're unhoused, 367 00:14:38,278 --> 00:14:41,213 I bet my dad still provides me with love. 368 00:14:41,215 --> 00:14:43,215 Oh, my god. Let it be him. 369 00:14:43,217 --> 00:14:44,550 He's an actual good person. 370 00:14:44,552 --> 00:14:48,220 -I knew tommy would never amount to anything. 371 00:14:48,222 --> 00:14:51,890 -Not the daddy! -Ow! 372 00:14:51,892 --> 00:14:53,825 Jesus... 373 00:14:53,827 --> 00:14:56,028 Is my father? 374 00:14:56,030 --> 00:14:57,362 -It's a community theater production 375 00:14:57,364 --> 00:14:58,696 Of "jesus christ superstar." 376 00:14:58,698 --> 00:15:01,032 How old do you think I am? -Oh. 377 00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:03,501 So he's an actor? -No. 378 00:15:03,503 --> 00:15:06,504 It's jean paul, the lighting guy up there. 379 00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:08,706 Except I thought we just did butt stuff. 380 00:15:08,708 --> 00:15:12,310 -Couldn't be the daddy! -Ow. 381 00:15:12,312 --> 00:15:15,180 -Ah. The world's tallest mormon, norman. 382 00:15:15,182 --> 00:15:16,782 I did him to try to get into 383 00:15:16,784 --> 00:15:19,050 "the guinness book of world records." 384 00:15:19,052 --> 00:15:22,720 -Not sure turtlenecks or forced child marriage are my thing. 385 00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:26,392 -You watch, annie. It's only gonna get worse. 386 00:15:26,394 --> 00:15:29,394 -Not the daddy! 387 00:15:29,396 --> 00:15:32,330 -Wait. Wait. Wait a minute. 388 00:15:32,332 --> 00:15:36,402 -[ raspy breathing ] 389 00:15:36,404 --> 00:15:39,137 -Who is that guy? -Can we leave, please? 390 00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:40,606 -Let's see -- 391 00:15:40,608 --> 00:15:44,742 Neck tattoo, balding, smells like chicken fingers. 392 00:15:44,744 --> 00:15:47,746 Oh! Okay, yep, my high school best friend's father. 393 00:15:47,748 --> 00:15:50,348 He also taught me how to ride a bike. 394 00:15:50,350 --> 00:15:52,350 Hey! You're not supposed to see me! 395 00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:54,419 -I see you, trophy. 396 00:15:54,421 --> 00:15:57,022 I've always seen you. 397 00:15:57,024 --> 00:15:58,290 -Not the daddy! 398 00:15:58,292 --> 00:15:59,825 -Annie, we're going home right now. 399 00:15:59,827 --> 00:16:01,960 Daddy or no daddy. -Just one more. 400 00:16:01,962 --> 00:16:04,296 And can't we bring this annie with us at least? 401 00:16:04,298 --> 00:16:08,033 Please! I need to save her! 402 00:16:08,035 --> 00:16:11,236 Whoa! Finally! 403 00:16:11,238 --> 00:16:13,905 This is the "mamma mia" ending I deserve! 404 00:16:13,907 --> 00:16:17,175 [ grunts, inhales deeply ] 405 00:16:17,177 --> 00:16:19,911 He smells like feta and oregano. 406 00:16:19,913 --> 00:16:21,847 -Stephanos here revenge-porned me 407 00:16:21,849 --> 00:16:24,450 Into working in his parents' diner for a whole semester. 408 00:16:24,452 --> 00:16:26,318 Please don't make me keep doing this! 409 00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:29,655 -He's making me saganaki! -Opa! 410 00:16:29,657 --> 00:16:30,989 -I can't take it anymore, annie! Come on. 411 00:16:30,991 --> 00:16:32,991 I'll buy you one of those pepperoni-stuffed 412 00:16:32,993 --> 00:16:34,592 Hot dogs you love. 413 00:16:34,594 --> 00:16:36,728 I'm sorry I called them a metaphor for cannibalism. 414 00:16:36,730 --> 00:16:39,197 Please. -If you want to leave, leave. 415 00:16:39,199 --> 00:16:40,466 I'm staying. -Fine. 416 00:16:40,468 --> 00:16:41,933 Go ahead and see for yourself. 417 00:16:41,935 --> 00:16:44,336 Real mommy out! 418 00:16:44,338 --> 00:16:46,805 -Great! Finally! Just me and papa. 419 00:16:46,807 --> 00:16:49,941 -Mmmm. Nom, nom, nom, nom. No, no, annie. 420 00:16:49,943 --> 00:16:52,878 [ speaking greek ] okay. 421 00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:54,746 It's time. 422 00:16:54,748 --> 00:16:58,216 -Not the daddy! -Aah! 423 00:16:58,218 --> 00:17:00,352 -Do you have a freckle here? 424 00:17:00,354 --> 00:17:02,020 -No. -Ah. 425 00:17:02,022 --> 00:17:05,357 How about here? -No. 426 00:17:05,359 --> 00:17:07,425 -Okay, so far, we're zero for 88. 427 00:17:07,427 --> 00:17:08,760 That's okay. That's okay. 428 00:17:08,762 --> 00:17:10,562 Next question, do you like -- -time to go. 429 00:17:10,564 --> 00:17:12,097 You had enough time with father. 430 00:17:12,099 --> 00:17:13,499 You man now? 431 00:17:13,501 --> 00:17:16,768 Maybe you no longer need baba. Ha! 432 00:17:16,770 --> 00:17:19,437 -But baba, you're my best friend. 433 00:17:19,439 --> 00:17:22,174 -Mother cannot be best friends. 434 00:17:22,176 --> 00:17:24,309 -What about rory and lorelai? 435 00:17:24,311 --> 00:17:25,511 -Oh, petey. 436 00:17:25,513 --> 00:17:28,714 Okay. I best friend. 437 00:17:28,716 --> 00:17:31,116 Game over. Time to take baba home. 438 00:17:31,118 --> 00:17:33,251 Wrap thighs. Chafed. 439 00:17:33,253 --> 00:17:37,189 -Let me just say goodbye. -Yeah. 440 00:17:37,191 --> 00:17:40,792 -Dad, I love you, and I wish you were alive. 441 00:17:40,794 --> 00:17:43,061 You're really smart and you're cool, 442 00:17:43,063 --> 00:17:46,998 And you've helped me understand myself genetically and sexually. 443 00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:48,666 I'd like to get a photo. 444 00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:50,402 [ camera shutter clicks ] 445 00:17:50,404 --> 00:17:52,337 P-dawg out! 446 00:17:52,339 --> 00:17:53,805 Meet you in the car, baba! 447 00:17:53,807 --> 00:17:55,407 Oh, sorry, pete senior. 448 00:17:55,409 --> 00:17:57,876 I was so distracted from meeting my dad, I didn't see you coming. 449 00:17:57,878 --> 00:18:01,346 -Not a problem, petey. -Thanks for doing hologram. 450 00:18:01,348 --> 00:18:03,481 -Damn. Every time. 451 00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:05,483 You sure you don't want to tell him? 452 00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:08,686 -Baba all the parent pete need. 453 00:18:08,688 --> 00:18:10,756 -Okay. 454 00:18:10,758 --> 00:18:12,490 [ both moaning ] 455 00:18:12,492 --> 00:18:14,760 -You wonderful lover. 456 00:18:14,762 --> 00:18:15,894 Terrible father. 457 00:18:15,896 --> 00:18:18,897 -Okay. 458 00:18:18,899 --> 00:18:22,234 -A raisin? She flupped a raisin. 459 00:18:22,236 --> 00:18:25,170 Ugh, get me out of here. Wait, where are the dice? 460 00:18:25,172 --> 00:18:26,838 Trophy, where are the dice? 461 00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:28,706 -Ooh. 462 00:18:28,708 --> 00:18:32,110 Are they in your pocket? 463 00:18:32,112 --> 00:18:33,979 -I don't have pockets! 464 00:18:33,981 --> 00:18:37,048 Let me guess, this is payback for making you walk down 465 00:18:37,050 --> 00:18:38,250 Recovered memory lane? 466 00:18:38,252 --> 00:18:42,454 Well, hope your father does a good job raisin you. 467 00:18:42,456 --> 00:18:44,189 I gotta find a way out of here, fast! 468 00:18:44,191 --> 00:18:47,192 [ breathing heavily ] 469 00:18:47,194 --> 00:18:50,062 [ groans ] 470 00:18:50,064 --> 00:18:53,731 -♪ how did daddy's little girl get so big? ♪ 471 00:18:53,733 --> 00:18:56,468 You're gonna want to buckle your seatbelt, 472 00:18:56,470 --> 00:18:58,003 Check your rearview mirror, pull over, 473 00:18:58,005 --> 00:19:01,206 And let daddy teach you how to parallel park. 474 00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:03,942 -Okay. Aah! Who are you? 475 00:19:03,944 --> 00:19:05,611 -I'm your mom's old beau, george. 476 00:19:05,613 --> 00:19:08,146 And I train gators to attack homeless people. 477 00:19:08,148 --> 00:19:10,949 Now, did you put on enough sunscreen today, darlin'? 478 00:19:10,951 --> 00:19:12,350 -No! Stop! 479 00:19:12,352 --> 00:19:14,019 -♪ bum-bum-bum-bum- bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum ♪ 480 00:19:14,021 --> 00:19:15,353 ♪ ease up on the gas we going too fast ♪ 481 00:19:15,355 --> 00:19:16,688 ♪ we gonna crash ♪ 482 00:19:16,690 --> 00:19:19,491 -Ugh! Stop! You're helicopter-daddying me! 483 00:19:19,493 --> 00:19:23,094 I can't think! Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. 484 00:19:23,096 --> 00:19:25,831 May I help you, officer? -Hi, there. 485 00:19:25,833 --> 00:19:28,099 Do you know why I pulled you over, sweetie? 486 00:19:28,101 --> 00:19:29,234 -No? 487 00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:30,769 -You forgot to drink all your milk and give daddy 488 00:19:30,771 --> 00:19:32,237 A hug goodbye this morning. 489 00:19:32,239 --> 00:19:34,306 I'm grounding you, young lady. 490 00:19:34,308 --> 00:19:36,708 -Stop it! -Annie, honey! 491 00:19:36,710 --> 00:19:38,243 Can you help me in the yard? 492 00:19:38,245 --> 00:19:41,313 This should get the boys at school to "leaf" you alone. 493 00:19:41,315 --> 00:19:43,248 Eh? -Ahh! Dad jokes! 494 00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:45,651 -Eh? -And dad jeans! 495 00:19:45,653 --> 00:19:47,653 Ah! Kirk has a twin brother? -Hold still. 496 00:19:47,655 --> 00:19:49,387 You got a little schmutz on your face. 497 00:19:49,389 --> 00:19:51,256 Let me help you. Hold still. 498 00:19:51,258 --> 00:19:52,590 -No... 499 00:19:52,592 --> 00:19:54,460 -Hey, hun, you want me to proofread 500 00:19:54,462 --> 00:19:55,793 Your social studies report? 501 00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:56,995 You know I don't care about grades. 502 00:19:56,997 --> 00:19:59,998 I just want to make sure you did your best. 503 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,667 -Et tu, board game announcer? 504 00:20:01,669 --> 00:20:05,137 -I thought we had a real daddy/daughter thing going here. 505 00:20:05,139 --> 00:20:06,872 -Annie, annie! Here comes daddy! 506 00:20:06,874 --> 00:20:09,941 -I'm not mad, annie! I'm just disappointed! 507 00:20:09,943 --> 00:20:11,276 -Stop! -Tell daddy you love him! 508 00:20:11,278 --> 00:20:14,412 -Stop! You're not my daddy! You're not my daddy! 509 00:20:14,414 --> 00:20:17,349 Stop! You're not my daddy! 510 00:20:17,351 --> 00:20:20,418 I don't want a daddy! 511 00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:23,389 I don't need a daddy! 512 00:20:27,027 --> 00:20:28,494 [ bell dings ] -congratulations! 513 00:20:28,496 --> 00:20:30,162 You won the game, annie! 514 00:20:30,164 --> 00:20:33,165 -I thought you won when you found your father? 515 00:20:33,167 --> 00:20:34,833 -Not with your options. 516 00:20:34,835 --> 00:20:37,435 The only way for you to win is to stop playing. 517 00:20:37,437 --> 00:20:38,970 But just so you know, I think we had something 518 00:20:38,972 --> 00:20:41,907 Really special back there, pumpkin. 519 00:20:41,909 --> 00:20:44,109 -Well, well, well. Welcome home, gator tater. 520 00:20:44,111 --> 00:20:45,911 You find what you were looking for? 521 00:20:45,913 --> 00:20:48,380 -No. Your taste in men is horrific. 522 00:20:48,382 --> 00:20:51,383 And dads are more annoying than I ever imagined. 523 00:20:51,385 --> 00:20:53,852 -Look, a girl needs a father, 524 00:20:53,854 --> 00:20:58,190 Like a fish needs a father to teach her how to ride a bike, 525 00:20:58,192 --> 00:21:01,059 Especially if the fish is a deadbeat creep, 526 00:21:01,061 --> 00:21:05,864 And you already know how to ride a bike, annie? 527 00:21:05,866 --> 00:21:08,800 Do you see what I'm saying? -Not really. 528 00:21:08,802 --> 00:21:11,737 -What if I told you that your dad loves you very much 529 00:21:11,739 --> 00:21:14,406 And is really proud of the woman you're becoming? 530 00:21:14,408 --> 00:21:17,943 -You do know who my father is? -Not exactly. 531 00:21:17,945 --> 00:21:20,746 But if I did, and if we could find him, 532 00:21:20,748 --> 00:21:23,481 And if he could stay out of rehab long enough 533 00:21:23,483 --> 00:21:27,018 To get to know you, I know that's what he'd say. 534 00:21:27,020 --> 00:21:28,354 -Yow! -Nut shot! Yes! 535 00:21:28,356 --> 00:21:30,155 -Annie, guess what? 536 00:21:30,157 --> 00:21:35,627 I met my dad, and he's dead, but we're exactly alike. 537 00:21:35,629 --> 00:21:37,429 Damn. Every time? 538 00:21:37,431 --> 00:21:41,499 -Well, I ended up learning that I'm better off without a dad. 539 00:21:41,501 --> 00:21:42,700 -Don't sweat it, kiddo 540 00:21:42,702 --> 00:21:45,837 'cause dads still aren't as cool as moms. 541 00:21:45,839 --> 00:21:47,372 -That's right, petey. 542 00:21:47,374 --> 00:21:49,775 No one here know their father, not even baba. We fine. 543 00:21:49,777 --> 00:21:52,978 Now shut trap and watch nut shot. 544 00:21:52,980 --> 00:21:55,513 Oh! He won't be daddy anytime soon! 545 00:21:55,515 --> 00:21:58,450 [ laughter ] 546 00:21:58,452 --> 00:22:00,252 Baba love this show! 547 00:22:02,722 --> 00:22:04,590 -♪ oh, annie ♪ 548 00:22:06,594 --> 00:22:08,727 ♪ I'm not your daddy ♪ 549 00:22:08,729 --> 00:22:11,730 ♪ mama's baby's papa's baby ♪ 550 00:22:11,732 --> 00:22:13,565 ♪ oh, annie ♪ 551 00:22:15,603 --> 00:22:17,636 ♪ I'm not your daddy ♪