-Shucks, I got poor daddy.
-Sweet, I got rich daddy!
-Look, guys, I got sexy daddy.
-Lucky! -Lucky!
-Hey, kids, what are you playing?
-We're playing "daddy, it's me!"
-"florida edition"!
-This isn't your grandmother's simple,
No-nonsense paternity test.
"daddy, it's me!" is the fun and roundabout way
To learn your birth father's identity.
-I found him! My dad is pizza paul,
Owner and ceo of local pizzeria pizza paul's.
I usually go for pepperoni,
But this time, I'll ask for hugs.
-Learn your medical history.
Understand why you're ugly.
Plus, "daddy, it's me!" results are admissible in court,
So mom can finally get that child support.
Available wherever games are sold.
-Welcome back to "self-inflicted gunshot bloopers."
[ rapid gunshots, man screaming ]
-Mom? -Shh, shh, shh.
Watch the dumb people shoot themselves.
-You know how you can never seem to remember
Who my father is?
We should play "daddy, it's me, florida edition"!
Did you hear the part about child support?!
-Annie, if he could pay child support, I'd remember him.
-Ah! We have no money for game.
-I actually have a copy upstairs.
They gave it to me last month at the sperm doctor.
-You're a sperm donor?
-I keep trying to get rid of it,
But it just keeps coming back.
Damn!
-Well, I can't wait to find out who my dad is.
Maybe he's a typewriter salesman.
Or an insurance adjuster!
[ gasps ] or a cat trainer!
-I could totally see your dad being a cat trainer, annie.
-Did the game say who your dad is?
-Enough talking! -Trying to watch tv!
-I don't need to play a game, because I already know.
Baba's given me enough hints over the years.
Big mustache, glittery eyes.
Only one possibility: Tom selleck.
-Wow! He dated monica. -Yeah.
He's where my effortless sexy comes from.
Damn!
-Just tell him.
-Alright, alright. Baba come clean.
Peter, father not tom selleck. -What?!
I guess that explains why I can't grow a mustache!
-Hey, you and baba can play the game with me and trophy.
-Like a double date? -Board game not for baba.
Dice are, ooh, sticky children cubes.
But you want meet father?
Come, I take you.
-Yes! -Fine.
If you insist on finding your father, at least
We can actually make it fun.
[ baby cries ]
-♪ I'm not as crazy as I used to be ♪
♪ some of my devils up and left me free ♪
♪ to find a quiet space I'm not as out of place ♪
♪ and I'm coming home again ♪
♪ it's been too long a time gettin' back what's mine ♪
♪ and I can't remember why I went away ♪
♪ but it's lookin' now like maybe I can stay ♪
Is that any good?
[ bright chime ]
-Oh. What's with the no pants?
-Since I don't remember them so much,
I want to make sure the potential dads remember me.
Plus, if the goal here is child support,
This oughta get them reaching for their wallets.
-The goal is to find my father.
-Yeah, well, let's try and make this interesting for both of us.
-Hey, daddy! It's me --
-Euthanasia fantasy. Annie for short.
-To begin, provide a florida dna sample from you
And your biological mother. Use the included chaw --
-Yeah, yeah, we know what to do. [ both spit ]
-Damn, girl, looks like there are 15 possible fathers.
-15?! So, you had intercourse experiences
With 15 different men
In the span of a single ovulation window?
That's two to three different guys every day,
An average of 2.5 men!
-If you saw some of these wieners,
You'd get where the point-five comes in.
Mm, boom-shaka-laka!
-Hold for a recent photo of possible daddy number 1.
-♪ who's your daddy? ♪
-You slept with kirk from the 9/11?
-Honey, you are old enough to know the truth --
There is no such thing as a free mini taquito.
-They're called taqui-teenies.
Dad knows that. -Or does he?
Proceed to the 9/11 to verify paternity.
But first, the game asks that you put on pants.
-Geez, is this the florida edition or the huguenot edition?
Get it?
I don't.
-Hey, annie! How'd the math test go?
-A-minus -- I missed the last question because --
-You have a nervous bladder and had to run to the bathroom.
You'll get it next time, kiddo.
-You run out of stamps, annie? -Nope!
I'm going to find my father! -That's great.
I'm finally able to deliver the letters
You've been sending him all these years!
-Huh, seems like you spend all your free time
Cultivating father-figure relationships.
You should just do what I did at your age --
Funnel your daddy issues into [bleep]
Old dudes for designer clothes.
-That's what I'm trying to avoid.
-You say that, but a dune buggy and a tea cup yorkie
Can sure do wonders for the self-esteem.
-Hello, father. Yo, pop!
It's me, p-dawg!
Hello, daddy. Why did you abandon me?
I can't wait to meet my dad and find out
What kind of a man I really am.
All my life, I've just been the rugged type.
But I dunno, maybe I'm actually the podcast guy.
Or the yoga-class playah. Or the guy with a pipe!
-All will be revealed.
Shoo. -Oh, my gosh.
Are we in a graveyard because my father...
Is dead? -Not dead,
Just already lived.
I know it's one of these graves, but, eh...
Yeah, baba forget which one?
-This one? -No.
-This one? This one? -No. No.
-This one? This one? This one? -No. No. No.
-This one? This one? -No. No.
See? Baba fun. It like game.
-A game? Okay.
[ chimes ] -ho, ho, ho!
Bop it to hear more.
Back in my day, a man could be anything he wanted to be,
As long as he worked hard
And didn't spend any time with his family.
Ask me anything about my life.
-Are you my father?
-Ehhh!
-I'd stay and chat, but I gotta find my dad.
I can't wait to find out if my fear of grilled cheese
And women my own age is genetic.
-Whew. They had me worried I was the father for a second there.
-You had an affair with my funeral director?
-Well, caskets ain't cheap, mary.
-Okay, eleventh question --
Do you think gummy bears are friends with each other.
-It'd be messed up if they weren't.
-Yes! Okay, question 12 -- what's the difference
Between ketchup and mustard, in your own words.
-Enough. Listen, kirk, we're playing
"daddy, it's me! Florida edition."
You came up as annie's potential father.
-Oh, right! I always felt like we had a connection, annie.
Like, we're talking about corn dogs,
But we're actually talking about not corn dog?
-Yes! -We need a dna sample.
For old times' sake, how 'bout we go in the back room
And you squirt in my sizzler?
-As long as I can bring my hot dog roller.
Gotta keep an eye on 'em. -I can do it.
Might as well start getting acquainted
With the "family" business.
-Thanks, annie. Mm.
-Ow! Ow! Ow!
♪♪
So, you're gonna have to do that with all 15 possible fathers?
-No! There's a breathalyzer game piece that reads their dna.
I just wanted to see if kirk's penis
Looks as weird as I remembered. -Ew.
-Like a single piece of raw bacon,
But he sure seems like he could daddy you all night long.
[ squelches, beeping ]
-Not your daddy! -Hmm.
You know what? That's okay.
Maybe kirk and I are better off as just friends.
Who's next? -Only 14 fathers to go.
-Lonny! From blissful passings!
Your high school sweetheart. I bet it's him.
-Only 90 minutes in heavy traffic,
And you'll arrive at lonny's door to find out the truth!
-I doubt he's your father -- getting pregnant
On a tilt-a-whirl is almost impossible.
♪♪
-[ panting ]
-In! -Ah!
A grave on an island!
That's got to be my dad!
He's all alone, but not lonely.
Remind you of anyone?
C'mon, baba!
Dad, your son is on your shore.
Oh, my god -- his cause of death
Was getting eaten by an alligator.
-Eaten. Yes.
-But wait, it says he died nine months before I was born.
Wait, how is that possible?!
-Well, just as you were conceived, the gator,
He chomp him off my body!
-Oh, my god!
This explains everything!
My fear of gators!
My fear of being conceived!
[ wailing ]
[ slide whistle descending scale ]
Huh?! -Fooled you! Is not true.
See? Baba make finding dead father into good time.
Come on, back in boat. Baba paddle this time.
Hup!
[ huffing ]
-Lonny sucks, and his wife sucks even more,
But at least we know he's rich!
-Pants on, please.
-You want to play the game
Or win the game?
[ doorbell chimes ]
-Hello, sad little panda.
Please go away. We don't need any knives.
-No, wait. I'm playing a board game.
-Fine. I'll buy one knife.
-Oh. It's you.
-I wanted to say "oh, it's you"!
-The game revealed lonny might be my father.
Also, is joey home? -Joey's away at candle camp.
I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear the other part.
-Oh, hey, troph. Long time no --
"daddy, it's me!"? Unh-uh!
I refuse to be breathalyzed.
I've made that mistake before.
-Ugh. -Ouch!
Couldn't you have taken one from my head?
I'm trying to grow my tony stark!
-Let's get out of here, annie.
White people give me the creeps.
-Mom, we're white, too.
-We're florida white.
-Not da fathah! -Phew.
Let's just go try on swimsuits and stand next to each other.
Mama needs a little pick-me-up.
-You don't get it.
-Listen, annie, having a father's
Only for more family-oriented animated shows.
Has it even occurred to you that maybe he is not
In your life for a good reason?
-You're the reason!
If I'd known my dad all along, I'd be a happier,
More well-adjusted, beach-ready type of girl.
-You can't be that well-adjusted
If your breasts are two different sizes.
That's physics. -Come on, annie.
Roll them bones.
Daddy number three is jeffrey t.
Proceed to the route, just 45 minutes back across town.
120 if avoiding toll roads. -Ugh! That's it!
If you insist on finding your father,
Let me see if I can speed this up.
-Are you sure this isn't gonna backfire?
You don't know how your death powers really work, right?
-I don't know how cocaine works either, annie.
I just know it helps the time pass.
We're goin' in! [ annie gasps ]
-Aaah! [ slams ]
-Why are we in my gym teacher's house?!
-You mean our gym teacher -- back in the day, he'd say,
"hit the showers", but he meant,
"stand in the shower clean and naked
Until I get a free moment."
Consent used to be more subjective.
-Not really. Can they see us?
-No, I believe the "jumanji"-ing got mixed with
A ghost of christmas past-ing kinda thing.
We're looking at the life you could have led
Had you grown up with a father. Shh!
-...98, 99 100.
Alright, annie, eyes on the prize.
Just 200 more laps around the futon.
I want you staying fit and tight.
-This could-be daddy requires more personal fitness
And less body acceptance than I imagined.
-Oh, so you don't fond this alt-life amazing?
Little miss "I got suspended for eating in the locker room"?
-It's not my fault jumping jacks give me chicken cravings.
-Aw, damn it. -This guy shoots blanks.
Literally! Figuratively!
-Damn. -Physically. Emotionally.
-Not the daddy!
-I'll admit, I'm relieved.
I hate wearing flip-flops in the shower.
Who's next? Aaah!
Oh. The house got "jumanji"'d too?
What else can you "jumanji"?
-Your damn go-getter attitude.
-Ooh, this daddy looks attentive.
-Come on, annie!
Time to practice!
If you don't land the basket toss,
We're gonna lose our energy drink sponsorship.
Then we can't afford to self-publish my book
On how to make money off your child's corporate sponsorships!
-Almost finished with my spray tan.
-I remember him.
He was our school mascot.
We did it inside the costume at halftime.
-Ow! -Aren't any of my daddy options,
How do I say this -- -daddy...
-...Better people? -Nope.
They're all humanity's versions of unfinished basements.
Look, I was a needy young girl.
Baba didn't have much to give,
And she wouldn't even tell me who my father was.
-Well, too bad!
I'm gonna have a dad in my life and it's gonna be awesome!
-Sperm squad, is this a touchdown?
-N-o-t your d-a-d!
-Whoa!
-Why didn't I think to try the virtual directory earlier?
Okay, the only grave I haven't checked is...
[ gasps ] -last one.
Baba have good feeling.
-Dad? Father?
Is it you?
-Son pete, you're the son I always wanted, my son.
-It's him! It's him! I found my daddy!
-Bingo! Now we go home.
-Son pete, give pappy some butterfly kisses.
-You got it, dad!
I knew we'd have the same level of comfort
In terms of intra-family intimacy.
I knew we would. -Peter, come.
You get pink eye from dead father.
-But we haven't even compared ankles yet.
Dad and I have a lot to discuss.
First of all, tell me about my conception.
Baba always skips the good parts.
-That's between me and your mother.
-[ gasps ] fathers shouldn't keep secrets. I hate you!
-Dearest son pete, I hated my old man's hologram, too.
He was always drunk and trying to hit me with his holo-fists.
I want to be a different kind of posthumous father.
Butterfly kiss?
-How can I stay mad at you when we're so much alike?
-It's not that I'm afraid your life
Will be better with your dad.
It's that I know it will be worse.
Attention-starved soon-to-be teen mommies
Sleep with losers, okay?
Can we please go home now? -No!
Even if my daddy was a scumbag 15 years ago,
He might have turned his life around.
Like ben affleck or bill clinton.
-Not really the best examples.
-Where's your "jumanji" spirit?
-Fine! But let's fifth gear this thing.
-Oh. Okay.
Even though we're unhoused,
I bet my dad still provides me with love.
Oh, my god. Let it be him.
He's an actual good person.
-I knew tommy would never amount to anything.
-Not the daddy! -Ow!
Jesus...
Is my father?
-It's a community theater production
Of "jesus christ superstar."
How old do you think I am? -Oh.
So he's an actor? -No.
It's jean paul, the lighting guy up there.
Except I thought we just did butt stuff.
-Couldn't be the daddy! -Ow.
-Ah. The world's tallest mormon, norman.
I did him to try to get into
"the guinness book of world records."
-Not sure turtlenecks or forced child marriage are my thing.
-You watch, annie. It's only gonna get worse.
-Not the daddy!
-Wait. Wait. Wait a minute.
-[ raspy breathing ]
-Who is that guy? -Can we leave, please?
-Let's see --
Neck tattoo, balding, smells like chicken fingers.
Oh! Okay, yep, my high school best friend's father.
He also taught me how to ride a bike.
Hey! You're not supposed to see me!
-I see you, trophy.
I've always seen you.
-Not the daddy!
-Annie, we're going home right now.
Daddy or no daddy. -Just one more.
And can't we bring this annie with us at least?
Please! I need to save her!
Whoa! Finally!
This is the "mamma mia" ending I deserve!
[ grunts, inhales deeply ]
He smells like feta and oregano.
-Stephanos here revenge-porned me
Into working in his parents' diner for a whole semester.
Please don't make me keep doing this!
-He's making me saganaki! -Opa!
-I can't take it anymore, annie! Come on.
I'll buy you one of those pepperoni-stuffed
Hot dogs you love.
I'm sorry I called them a metaphor for cannibalism.
Please. -If you want to leave, leave.
I'm staying. -Fine.
Go ahead and see for yourself.
Real mommy out!
-Great! Finally! Just me and papa.
-Mmmm. Nom, nom, nom, nom. No, no, annie.
[ speaking greek ] okay.
It's time.
-Not the daddy! -Aah!
-Do you have a freckle here?
-No. -Ah.
How about here? -No.
-Okay, so far, we're zero for 88.
That's okay. That's okay.
Next question, do you like -- -time to go.
You had enough time with father.
You man now?
Maybe you no longer need baba. Ha!
-But baba, you're my best friend.
-Mother cannot be best friends.
-What about rory and lorelai?
-Oh, petey.
Okay. I best friend.
Game over. Time to take baba home.
Wrap thighs. Chafed.
-Let me just say goodbye. -Yeah.
-Dad, I love you, and I wish you were alive.
You're really smart and you're cool,
And you've helped me understand myself genetically and sexually.
I'd like to get a photo.
[ camera shutter clicks ]
P-dawg out!
Meet you in the car, baba!
Oh, sorry, pete senior.
I was so distracted from meeting my dad, I didn't see you coming.
-Not a problem, petey. -Thanks for doing hologram.
-Damn. Every time.
You sure you don't want to tell him?
-Baba all the parent pete need.
-Okay.
[ both moaning ]
-You wonderful lover.
Terrible father.
-Okay.
-A raisin? She flupped a raisin.
Ugh, get me out of here. Wait, where are the dice?
Trophy, where are the dice?
-Ooh.
Are they in your pocket?
-I don't have pockets!
Let me guess, this is payback for making you walk down
Recovered memory lane?
Well, hope your father does a good job raisin you.
I gotta find a way out of here, fast!
[ breathing heavily ]
[ groans ]
-♪ how did daddy's little girl get so big? ♪
You're gonna want to buckle your seatbelt,
Check your rearview mirror, pull over,
And let daddy teach you how to parallel park.
-Okay. Aah! Who are you?
-I'm your mom's old beau, george.
And I train gators to attack homeless people.
Now, did you put on enough sunscreen today, darlin'?
-No! Stop!
-♪ bum-bum-bum-bum- bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum ♪
♪ ease up on the gas we going too fast ♪
♪ we gonna crash ♪
-Ugh! Stop! You're helicopter-daddying me!
I can't think! Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
May I help you, officer? -Hi, there.
Do you know why I pulled you over, sweetie?
-No?
-You forgot to drink all your milk and give daddy
A hug goodbye this morning.
I'm grounding you, young lady.
-Stop it! -Annie, honey!
Can you help me in the yard?
This should get the boys at school to "leaf" you alone.
Eh? -Ahh! Dad jokes!
-Eh? -And dad jeans!
Ah! Kirk has a twin brother? -Hold still.
You got a little schmutz on your face.
Let me help you. Hold still.
-No...
-Hey, hun, you want me to proofread
Your social studies report?
You know I don't care about grades.
I just want to make sure you did your best.
-Et tu, board game announcer?
-I thought we had a real daddy/daughter thing going here.
-Annie, annie! Here comes daddy!
-I'm not mad, annie! I'm just disappointed!
-Stop! -Tell daddy you love him!
-Stop! You're not my daddy! You're not my daddy!
Stop! You're not my daddy!
I don't want a daddy!
I don't need a daddy!
[ bell dings ] -congratulations!
You won the game, annie!
-I thought you won when you found your father?
-Not with your options.
The only way for you to win is to stop playing.
But just so you know, I think we had something
Really special back there, pumpkin.
-Well, well, well. Welcome home, gator tater.
You find what you were looking for?
-No. Your taste in men is horrific.
And dads are more annoying than I ever imagined.
-Look, a girl needs a father,
Like a fish needs a father to teach her how to ride a bike,
Especially if the fish is a deadbeat creep,
And you already know how to ride a bike, annie?
Do you see what I'm saying? -Not really.
-What if I told you that your dad loves you very much
And is really proud of the woman you're becoming?
-You do know who my father is? -Not exactly.
But if I did, and if we could find him,
And if he could stay out of rehab long enough
To get to know you, I know that's what he'd say.
-Yow! -Nut shot! Yes!
-Annie, guess what?
I met my dad, and he's dead, but we're exactly alike.
Damn. Every time?
-Well, I ended up learning that I'm better off without a dad.
-Don't sweat it, kiddo
'cause dads still aren't as cool as moms.
-That's right, petey.
No one here know their father, not even baba. We fine.
Now shut trap and watch nut shot.
Oh! He won't be daddy anytime soon!
[ laughter ]
Baba love this show!
-♪ oh, annie ♪
♪ I'm not your daddy ♪
♪ mama's baby's papa's baby ♪
♪ oh, annie ♪
♪ I'm not your daddy ♪