1
00:00:01,936 --> 00:00:03,535
-Shucks, I got poor daddy.
2
00:00:03,537 --> 00:00:05,470
-Sweet, I got rich daddy!
3
00:00:05,472 --> 00:00:07,339
-Look, guys, I got sexy daddy.
4
00:00:07,341 --> 00:00:08,673
-Lucky!
-Lucky!
5
00:00:08,675 --> 00:00:10,275
-Hey, kids,
what are you playing?
6
00:00:10,277 --> 00:00:12,144
-We're playing
"daddy, it's me!"
7
00:00:12,146 --> 00:00:13,345
-"florida edition"!
8
00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:14,746
-This isn't your grandmother's
simple,
9
00:00:14,748 --> 00:00:16,681
No-nonsense paternity test.
10
00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:19,551
"daddy, it's me!"
is the fun and roundabout way
11
00:00:19,553 --> 00:00:21,420
To learn
your birth father's identity.
12
00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:23,622
-I found him!
My dad is pizza paul,
13
00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:26,625
Owner and ceo
of local pizzeria pizza paul's.
14
00:00:26,627 --> 00:00:27,826
I usually go for pepperoni,
15
00:00:27,828 --> 00:00:29,694
But this time,
I'll ask for hugs.
16
00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:31,163
-Learn your medical history.
17
00:00:31,165 --> 00:00:32,631
Understand why you're ugly.
18
00:00:32,633 --> 00:00:34,833
Plus, "daddy, it's me!"
results are admissible in court,
19
00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:37,569
So mom can finally
get that child support.
20
00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:39,772
Available
wherever games are sold.
21
00:00:39,774 --> 00:00:43,375
-Welcome back to "self-inflicted
gunshot bloopers."
22
00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:45,243
[ rapid gunshots,
man screaming ]
23
00:00:45,245 --> 00:00:46,511
-Mom?
-Shh, shh, shh.
24
00:00:46,513 --> 00:00:48,913
Watch the dumb people
shoot themselves.
25
00:00:48,915 --> 00:00:50,983
-You know how you can never
seem to remember
26
00:00:50,985 --> 00:00:52,250
Who my father is?
27
00:00:52,252 --> 00:00:55,320
We should play "daddy, it's me,
florida edition"!
28
00:00:55,322 --> 00:00:57,856
Did you hear the part
about child support?!
29
00:00:57,858 --> 00:01:01,593
-Annie, if he could pay child
support, I'd remember him.
30
00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:03,595
-Ah!
We have no money for game.
31
00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:05,730
-I actually have
a copy upstairs.
32
00:01:05,732 --> 00:01:08,333
They gave it to me last month
at the sperm doctor.
33
00:01:08,335 --> 00:01:10,335
-You're a sperm donor?
34
00:01:10,337 --> 00:01:11,936
-I keep trying to get rid of it,
35
00:01:11,938 --> 00:01:14,206
But it just keeps coming back.
36
00:01:14,208 --> 00:01:15,740
Damn!
37
00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:17,942
-Well, I can't wait to find out
who my dad is.
38
00:01:17,944 --> 00:01:19,478
Maybe he's
a typewriter salesman.
39
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:21,013
Or an insurance adjuster!
40
00:01:21,015 --> 00:01:22,881
[ gasps ]
or a cat trainer!
41
00:01:22,883 --> 00:01:26,885
-I could totally see your dad
being a cat trainer, annie.
42
00:01:26,887 --> 00:01:28,553
-Did the game say
who your dad is?
43
00:01:28,555 --> 00:01:31,223
-Enough talking!
-Trying to watch tv!
44
00:01:31,225 --> 00:01:33,892
-I don't need to play a game,
because I already know.
45
00:01:33,894 --> 00:01:36,495
Baba's given me enough hints
over the years.
46
00:01:36,497 --> 00:01:38,430
Big mustache, glittery eyes.
47
00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:40,833
Only one possibility:
Tom selleck.
48
00:01:40,835 --> 00:01:42,967
-Wow! He dated monica.
-Yeah.
49
00:01:42,969 --> 00:01:46,971
He's where my effortless sexy
comes from.
50
00:01:46,973 --> 00:01:49,107
Damn!
51
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,375
-Just tell him.
52
00:01:50,377 --> 00:01:51,976
-Alright, alright.
Baba come clean.
53
00:01:51,978 --> 00:01:55,447
Peter, father not tom selleck.
-What?!
54
00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:58,583
I guess that explains why
I can't grow a mustache!
55
00:01:58,585 --> 00:02:02,120
-Hey, you and baba can play
the game with me and trophy.
56
00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:04,989
-Like a double date?
-Board game not for baba.
57
00:02:04,991 --> 00:02:07,659
Dice are, ooh,
sticky children cubes.
58
00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:09,461
But you want meet father?
59
00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:12,665
Come, I take you.
60
00:02:12,667 --> 00:02:14,666
-Yes!
-Fine.
61
00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:16,535
If you insist on finding
your father, at least
62
00:02:16,537 --> 00:02:18,403
We can actually make it fun.
63
00:02:18,405 --> 00:02:20,072
[ baby cries ]
64
00:02:20,074 --> 00:02:24,943
-♪ I'm not as crazy
as I used to be ♪
65
00:02:24,945 --> 00:02:27,880
♪ some of my devils
up and left me free ♪
66
00:02:27,882 --> 00:02:31,750
♪ to find a quiet space
I'm not as out of place ♪
67
00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:35,554
♪ and I'm coming home again ♪
68
00:02:35,556 --> 00:02:40,158
♪ it's been too long a time
gettin' back what's mine ♪
69
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:45,029
♪ and I can't remember why
I went away ♪
70
00:02:45,031 --> 00:02:49,167
♪ but it's lookin' now like
maybe I can stay ♪
71
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:51,570
Is that any good?
72
00:02:51,572 --> 00:02:55,908
[ bright chime ]
73
00:02:55,910 --> 00:02:58,977
-Oh.
What's with the no pants?
74
00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:01,313
-Since I don't remember them
so much,
75
00:03:01,315 --> 00:03:04,849
I want to make sure
the potential dads remember me.
76
00:03:04,851 --> 00:03:08,186
Plus, if the goal here
is child support,
77
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:11,456
This oughta get them
reaching for their wallets.
78
00:03:11,458 --> 00:03:13,325
-The goal is to find my father.
79
00:03:13,327 --> 00:03:16,461
-Yeah, well, let's try and make
this interesting for both of us.
80
00:03:16,463 --> 00:03:18,997
-Hey, daddy!
It's me --
81
00:03:18,999 --> 00:03:22,134
-Euthanasia fantasy.
Annie for short.
82
00:03:22,136 --> 00:03:25,069
-To begin, provide a florida
dna sample from you
83
00:03:25,071 --> 00:03:27,205
And your biological mother.
Use the included chaw --
84
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:30,943
-Yeah, yeah, we know what to do.
[ both spit ]
85
00:03:30,945 --> 00:03:35,213
-Damn, girl, looks like there
are 15 possible fathers.
86
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:39,151
-15?! So, you had
intercourse experiences
87
00:03:39,153 --> 00:03:40,685
With 15 different men
88
00:03:40,687 --> 00:03:42,821
In the span
of a single ovulation window?
89
00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:44,757
That's two to three
different guys every day,
90
00:03:44,759 --> 00:03:47,225
An average of 2.5 men!
91
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,027
-If you saw some of
these wieners,
92
00:03:49,029 --> 00:03:51,696
You'd get where
the point-five comes in.
93
00:03:51,698 --> 00:03:53,898
Mm, boom-shaka-laka!
94
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:57,970
-Hold for a recent photo
of possible daddy number 1.
95
00:03:57,972 --> 00:03:59,638
-♪ who's your daddy? ♪
96
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,173
-You slept with kirk
from the 9/11?
97
00:04:01,175 --> 00:04:03,375
-Honey, you are old enough
to know the truth --
98
00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:06,378
There is no such thing
as a free mini taquito.
99
00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:08,180
-They're called taqui-teenies.
100
00:04:08,182 --> 00:04:10,449
Dad knows that.
-Or does he?
101
00:04:10,451 --> 00:04:13,318
Proceed to the 9/11
to verify paternity.
102
00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:16,188
But first, the game asks
that you put on pants.
103
00:04:16,190 --> 00:04:20,592
-Geez, is this the florida
edition or the huguenot edition?
104
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:22,127
Get it?
105
00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:24,663
I don't.
106
00:04:24,665 --> 00:04:26,999
-Hey, annie!
How'd the math test go?
107
00:04:27,001 --> 00:04:29,668
-A-minus -- I missed the last
question because --
108
00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:32,471
-You have a nervous bladder
and had to run to the bathroom.
109
00:04:32,473 --> 00:04:34,939
You'll get it next time, kiddo.
110
00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:37,009
-You run out of stamps, annie?
-Nope!
111
00:04:37,011 --> 00:04:39,878
I'm going to find my father!
-That's great.
112
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,279
I'm finally able to deliver
the letters
113
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,348
You've been sending him
all these years!
114
00:04:43,350 --> 00:04:45,350
-Huh, seems like you spend
all your free time
115
00:04:45,352 --> 00:04:47,019
Cultivating father-figure
relationships.
116
00:04:47,021 --> 00:04:48,620
You should just do what I did
at your age --
117
00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:50,489
Funnel your daddy issues
into [bleep]
118
00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:52,624
Old dudes for designer clothes.
119
00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,292
-That's what
I'm trying to avoid.
120
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:57,830
-You say that, but a dune buggy
and a tea cup yorkie
121
00:04:57,832 --> 00:05:01,834
Can sure do wonders
for the self-esteem.
122
00:05:01,836 --> 00:05:04,503
-Hello, father.
Yo, pop!
123
00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:06,371
It's me, p-dawg!
124
00:05:06,373 --> 00:05:09,107
Hello, daddy.
Why did you abandon me?
125
00:05:09,109 --> 00:05:11,109
I can't wait to meet my dad
and find out
126
00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:12,577
What kind of a man I really am.
127
00:05:12,579 --> 00:05:14,979
All my life, I've just
been the rugged type.
128
00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:18,116
But I dunno, maybe I'm actually
the podcast guy.
129
00:05:18,118 --> 00:05:21,653
Or the yoga-class playah.
Or the guy with a pipe!
130
00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:23,588
-All will be revealed.
131
00:05:23,590 --> 00:05:25,657
Shoo.
-Oh, my gosh.
132
00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:29,261
Are we in a graveyard
because my father...
133
00:05:29,263 --> 00:05:31,329
Is dead?
-Not dead,
134
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,198
Just already lived.
135
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:37,202
I know it's one of these graves,
but, eh...
136
00:05:37,204 --> 00:05:39,271
Yeah, baba forget which one?
137
00:05:39,273 --> 00:05:40,472
-This one?
-No.
138
00:05:40,474 --> 00:05:42,407
-This one? This one?
-No. No.
139
00:05:42,409 --> 00:05:44,943
-This one? This one? This one?
-No. No. No.
140
00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:46,478
-This one? This one?
-No. No.
141
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,747
See? Baba fun.
It like game.
142
00:05:48,749 --> 00:05:52,016
-A game?
Okay.
143
00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:53,686
[ chimes ]
-ho, ho, ho!
144
00:05:53,688 --> 00:05:55,487
Bop it to hear more.
145
00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:59,291
Back in my day, a man could
be anything he wanted to be,
146
00:05:59,293 --> 00:06:00,559
As long as he worked hard
147
00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:02,761
And didn't spend any time
with his family.
148
00:06:02,763 --> 00:06:04,696
Ask me anything about my life.
149
00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:06,298
-Are you my father?
150
00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:07,366
-Ehhh!
151
00:06:07,368 --> 00:06:09,568
-I'd stay and chat,
but I gotta find my dad.
152
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:12,637
I can't wait to find out
if my fear of grilled cheese
153
00:06:12,639 --> 00:06:14,506
And women my own age is genetic.
154
00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:17,442
-Whew. They had me worried I was
the father for a second there.
155
00:06:17,444 --> 00:06:20,779
-You had an affair
with my funeral director?
156
00:06:20,781 --> 00:06:23,715
-Well, caskets ain't
cheap, mary.
157
00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:25,117
-Okay, eleventh question --
158
00:06:25,119 --> 00:06:28,787
Do you think gummy bears
are friends with each other.
159
00:06:28,789 --> 00:06:30,322
-It'd be messed up
if they weren't.
160
00:06:30,324 --> 00:06:33,125
-Yes! Okay, question 12 --
what's the difference
161
00:06:33,127 --> 00:06:35,928
Between ketchup and mustard,
in your own words.
162
00:06:35,930 --> 00:06:37,796
-Enough.
Listen, kirk, we're playing
163
00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:39,264
"daddy, it's me!
Florida edition."
164
00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:41,133
You came up as annie's
potential father.
165
00:06:41,135 --> 00:06:43,936
-Oh, right! I always felt like
we had a connection, annie.
166
00:06:43,938 --> 00:06:46,004
Like, we're talking
about corn dogs,
167
00:06:46,006 --> 00:06:48,072
But we're actually
talking about not corn dog?
168
00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:50,074
-Yes!
-We need a dna sample.
169
00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:52,210
For old times' sake, how 'bout
we go in the back room
170
00:06:52,212 --> 00:06:54,012
And you squirt in my sizzler?
171
00:06:54,014 --> 00:06:55,880
-As long as I can bring
my hot dog roller.
172
00:06:55,882 --> 00:06:57,482
Gotta keep an eye on 'em.
-I can do it.
173
00:06:57,484 --> 00:06:59,017
Might as well start
getting acquainted
174
00:06:59,019 --> 00:07:00,819
With the "family" business.
175
00:07:00,821 --> 00:07:03,422
-Thanks, annie.
Mm.
176
00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:06,158
-Ow! Ow! Ow!
177
00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,293
♪♪
178
00:07:08,295 --> 00:07:12,164
So, you're gonna have to do that
with all 15 possible fathers?
179
00:07:12,166 --> 00:07:15,099
-No! There's a breathalyzer game
piece that reads their dna.
180
00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:16,301
I just wanted to see
if kirk's penis
181
00:07:16,303 --> 00:07:18,436
Looks as weird as I remembered.
-Ew.
182
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:21,573
-Like a single piece
of raw bacon,
183
00:07:21,575 --> 00:07:25,377
But he sure seems like he could
daddy you all night long.
184
00:07:25,379 --> 00:07:27,712
[ squelches, beeping ]
185
00:07:27,714 --> 00:07:29,247
-Not your daddy!
-Hmm.
186
00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:31,115
You know what?
That's okay.
187
00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:33,786
Maybe kirk and I are better off
as just friends.
188
00:07:33,788 --> 00:07:37,389
Who's next?
-Only 14 fathers to go.
189
00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:41,994
-Lonny!
From blissful passings!
190
00:07:41,996 --> 00:07:44,997
Your high school sweetheart.
I bet it's him.
191
00:07:44,999 --> 00:07:46,665
-Only 90 minutes
in heavy traffic,
192
00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:50,869
And you'll arrive at lonny's
door to find out the truth!
193
00:07:50,871 --> 00:07:52,537
-I doubt he's your father --
getting pregnant
194
00:07:52,539 --> 00:07:55,207
On a tilt-a-whirl
is almost impossible.
195
00:07:55,209 --> 00:07:56,875
♪♪
196
00:07:56,877 --> 00:08:00,412
-[ panting ]
197
00:08:00,414 --> 00:08:02,815
-In!
-Ah!
198
00:08:02,817 --> 00:08:04,683
A grave on an island!
199
00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:06,084
That's got to be my dad!
200
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:08,152
He's all alone, but not lonely.
201
00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:10,288
Remind you of anyone?
202
00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:13,157
C'mon, baba!
203
00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:15,227
Dad, your son is on your shore.
204
00:08:15,229 --> 00:08:16,961
Oh, my god --
his cause of death
205
00:08:16,963 --> 00:08:18,763
Was getting eaten by
an alligator.
206
00:08:18,765 --> 00:08:20,899
-Eaten.
Yes.
207
00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:24,236
-But wait, it says he died
nine months before I was born.
208
00:08:24,238 --> 00:08:26,171
Wait, how is that possible?!
209
00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:31,576
-Well, just as you were
conceived, the gator,
210
00:08:31,578 --> 00:08:33,846
He chomp him off my body!
211
00:08:33,848 --> 00:08:34,979
-Oh, my god!
212
00:08:34,981 --> 00:08:36,515
This explains everything!
213
00:08:36,517 --> 00:08:37,782
My fear of gators!
214
00:08:37,784 --> 00:08:40,452
My fear of being conceived!
215
00:08:40,454 --> 00:08:42,387
[ wailing ]
216
00:08:42,389 --> 00:08:44,256
[ slide whistle
descending scale ]
217
00:08:44,258 --> 00:08:46,124
Huh?!
-Fooled you! Is not true.
218
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:50,062
See? Baba make finding dead
father into good time.
219
00:08:50,064 --> 00:08:53,398
Come on, back in boat.
Baba paddle this time.
220
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:54,733
Hup!
221
00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:57,202
[ huffing ]
222
00:08:57,204 --> 00:09:00,205
-Lonny sucks, and his wife
sucks even more,
223
00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:02,474
But at least we know he's rich!
224
00:09:02,476 --> 00:09:03,542
-Pants on, please.
225
00:09:03,544 --> 00:09:04,743
-You want to play the game
226
00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:06,211
Or win the game?
227
00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:08,146
[ doorbell chimes ]
228
00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:09,882
-Hello, sad little panda.
229
00:09:09,884 --> 00:09:12,350
Please go away.
We don't need any knives.
230
00:09:12,352 --> 00:09:14,152
-No, wait.
I'm playing a board game.
231
00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:16,889
-Fine.
I'll buy one knife.
232
00:09:16,891 --> 00:09:18,356
-Oh.
It's you.
233
00:09:18,358 --> 00:09:21,226
-I wanted to say
"oh, it's you"!
234
00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:24,229
-The game revealed
lonny might be my father.
235
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:27,165
Also, is joey home?
-Joey's away at candle camp.
236
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:30,102
I'm gonna pretend
I didn't hear the other part.
237
00:09:30,104 --> 00:09:33,037
-Oh, hey, troph.
Long time no --
238
00:09:33,039 --> 00:09:34,707
"daddy, it's me!"?
Unh-uh!
239
00:09:34,709 --> 00:09:36,441
I refuse to be breathalyzed.
240
00:09:36,443 --> 00:09:38,110
I've made that mistake before.
241
00:09:38,112 --> 00:09:39,711
-Ugh.
-Ouch!
242
00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:41,313
Couldn't you have taken one
from my head?
243
00:09:41,315 --> 00:09:43,248
I'm trying to grow
my tony stark!
244
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:45,183
-Let's get out of here, annie.
245
00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:47,185
White people give me the creeps.
246
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:48,787
-Mom, we're white, too.
247
00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:51,256
-We're florida white.
248
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:53,726
-Not da fathah!
-Phew.
249
00:09:53,728 --> 00:09:57,129
Let's just go try on swimsuits
and stand next to each other.
250
00:09:57,131 --> 00:09:58,731
Mama needs a little pick-me-up.
251
00:09:58,733 --> 00:09:59,998
-You don't get it.
252
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,734
-Listen, annie,
having a father's
253
00:10:01,736 --> 00:10:04,403
Only for more family-oriented
animated shows.
254
00:10:04,405 --> 00:10:08,740
Has it even occurred to you
that maybe he is not
255
00:10:08,742 --> 00:10:11,009
In your life for a good reason?
256
00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:12,410
-You're the reason!
257
00:10:12,412 --> 00:10:15,013
If I'd known my dad all along,
I'd be a happier,
258
00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:18,283
More well-adjusted,
beach-ready type of girl.
259
00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:19,952
-You can't be that
well-adjusted
260
00:10:19,954 --> 00:10:22,220
If your breasts
are two different sizes.
261
00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:24,022
That's physics.
-Come on, annie.
262
00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:25,624
Roll them bones.
263
00:10:25,626 --> 00:10:27,626
Daddy number three
is jeffrey t.
264
00:10:27,628 --> 00:10:30,629
Proceed to the route, just
45 minutes back across town.
265
00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:33,165
120 if avoiding toll roads.
-Ugh! That's it!
266
00:10:33,167 --> 00:10:35,367
If you insist on
finding your father,
267
00:10:35,369 --> 00:10:37,702
Let me see
if I can speed this up.
268
00:10:37,704 --> 00:10:39,504
-Are you sure
this isn't gonna backfire?
269
00:10:39,506 --> 00:10:41,640
You don't know how your death
powers really work, right?
270
00:10:41,642 --> 00:10:43,842
-I don't know how cocaine
works either, annie.
271
00:10:43,844 --> 00:10:46,111
I just know it helps
the time pass.
272
00:10:46,113 --> 00:10:49,114
We're goin' in!
[ annie gasps ]
273
00:10:49,116 --> 00:10:51,417
-Aaah!
[ slams ]
274
00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:57,055
-Why are we in
my gym teacher's house?!
275
00:10:57,057 --> 00:10:59,991
-You mean our gym teacher --
back in the day, he'd say,
276
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,459
"hit the showers", but he meant,
277
00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:03,128
"stand in the shower
clean and naked
278
00:11:03,130 --> 00:11:04,996
Until I get a free moment."
279
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,732
Consent used to be
more subjective.
280
00:11:06,734 --> 00:11:08,800
-Not really.
Can they see us?
281
00:11:08,802 --> 00:11:11,737
-No, I believe the "jumanji"-ing
got mixed with
282
00:11:11,739 --> 00:11:13,739
A ghost of christmas past-ing
kinda thing.
283
00:11:13,741 --> 00:11:16,474
We're looking at the life
you could have led
284
00:11:16,476 --> 00:11:19,144
Had you grown up with a father.
Shh!
285
00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:21,479
-...98, 99 100.
286
00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:23,148
Alright, annie,
eyes on the prize.
287
00:11:23,150 --> 00:11:25,283
Just 200 more laps
around the futon.
288
00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:27,553
I want you staying fit
and tight.
289
00:11:27,555 --> 00:11:30,488
-This could-be daddy requires
more personal fitness
290
00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:32,824
And less body acceptance
than I imagined.
291
00:11:32,826 --> 00:11:35,961
-Oh, so you don't fond
this alt-life amazing?
292
00:11:35,963 --> 00:11:39,697
Little miss "I got suspended
for eating in the locker room"?
293
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:43,569
-It's not my fault jumping jacks
give me chicken cravings.
294
00:11:43,571 --> 00:11:46,438
-Aw, damn it.
-This guy shoots blanks.
295
00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:47,973
Literally!
Figuratively!
296
00:11:47,975 --> 00:11:49,441
-Damn.
-Physically. Emotionally.
297
00:11:49,443 --> 00:11:51,709
-Not the daddy!
298
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:53,045
-I'll admit, I'm relieved.
299
00:11:53,047 --> 00:11:55,047
I hate wearing flip-flops
in the shower.
300
00:11:55,049 --> 00:11:57,315
Who's next?
Aaah!
301
00:11:57,317 --> 00:11:59,517
Oh.
The house got "jumanji"'d too?
302
00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:00,986
What else can you "jumanji"?
303
00:12:00,988 --> 00:12:02,854
-Your damn go-getter attitude.
304
00:12:02,856 --> 00:12:05,523
-Ooh, this daddy
looks attentive.
305
00:12:05,525 --> 00:12:06,858
-Come on, annie!
306
00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:08,126
Time to practice!
307
00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:09,461
If you don't land
the basket toss,
308
00:12:09,463 --> 00:12:11,396
We're gonna lose
our energy drink sponsorship.
309
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:13,665
Then we can't afford
to self-publish my book
310
00:12:13,667 --> 00:12:16,468
On how to make money off your
child's corporate sponsorships!
311
00:12:16,470 --> 00:12:18,870
-Almost finished
with my spray tan.
312
00:12:18,872 --> 00:12:20,205
-I remember him.
313
00:12:20,207 --> 00:12:22,140
He was our school mascot.
314
00:12:22,142 --> 00:12:24,276
We did it inside the costume
at halftime.
315
00:12:24,278 --> 00:12:27,413
-Ow!
-Aren't any of my daddy options,
316
00:12:27,415 --> 00:12:28,947
How do I say this --
-daddy...
317
00:12:28,949 --> 00:12:31,216
-...Better people?
-Nope.
318
00:12:31,218 --> 00:12:33,885
They're all humanity's versions
of unfinished basements.
319
00:12:33,887 --> 00:12:35,821
Look, I was a needy young girl.
320
00:12:35,823 --> 00:12:37,355
Baba didn't have much to give,
321
00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:39,825
And she wouldn't even tell me
who my father was.
322
00:12:39,827 --> 00:12:41,493
-Well, too bad!
323
00:12:41,495 --> 00:12:44,430
I'm gonna have a dad in my life
and it's gonna be awesome!
324
00:12:44,432 --> 00:12:47,098
-Sperm squad,
is this a touchdown?
325
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:50,702
-N-o-t your d-a-d!
326
00:12:50,704 --> 00:12:52,570
-Whoa!
327
00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:55,907
-Why didn't I think to try
the virtual directory earlier?
328
00:12:55,909 --> 00:13:00,045
Okay, the only grave
I haven't checked is...
329
00:13:00,047 --> 00:13:01,179
[ gasps ]
-last one.
330
00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:04,116
Baba have good feeling.
331
00:13:04,118 --> 00:13:05,717
-Dad? Father?
332
00:13:05,719 --> 00:13:09,121
Is it you?
333
00:13:09,123 --> 00:13:12,991
-Son pete, you're the son
I always wanted, my son.
334
00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:15,994
-It's him! It's him!
I found my daddy!
335
00:13:15,996 --> 00:13:18,930
-Bingo! Now we go home.
336
00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:22,134
-Son pete, give pappy
some butterfly kisses.
337
00:13:22,136 --> 00:13:23,469
-You got it, dad!
338
00:13:23,471 --> 00:13:26,138
I knew we'd have the same level
of comfort
339
00:13:26,140 --> 00:13:28,606
In terms
of intra-family intimacy.
340
00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:30,942
I knew we would.
-Peter, come.
341
00:13:30,944 --> 00:13:32,544
You get pink eye
from dead father.
342
00:13:32,546 --> 00:13:34,746
-But we haven't even
compared ankles yet.
343
00:13:34,748 --> 00:13:36,948
Dad and I
have a lot to discuss.
344
00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:39,017
First of all, tell me
about my conception.
345
00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:41,286
Baba always skips
the good parts.
346
00:13:41,288 --> 00:13:44,490
-That's between me
and your mother.
347
00:13:44,492 --> 00:13:48,293
-[ gasps ] fathers shouldn't
keep secrets. I hate you!
348
00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:51,697
-Dearest son pete, I hated
my old man's hologram, too.
349
00:13:51,699 --> 00:13:55,501
He was always drunk and trying
to hit me with his holo-fists.
350
00:13:55,503 --> 00:13:58,837
I want to be a different kind
of posthumous father.
351
00:13:58,839 --> 00:14:00,438
Butterfly kiss?
352
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:04,576
-How can I stay mad at you
when we're so much alike?
353
00:14:06,180 --> 00:14:07,445
-It's not that I'm afraid
your life
354
00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:09,181
Will be better with your dad.
355
00:14:09,183 --> 00:14:11,717
It's that I know
it will be worse.
356
00:14:11,719 --> 00:14:14,119
Attention-starved soon-to-be
teen mommies
357
00:14:14,121 --> 00:14:16,522
Sleep with losers, okay?
358
00:14:16,524 --> 00:14:18,656
Can we please go home now?
-No!
359
00:14:18,658 --> 00:14:21,259
Even if my daddy was a scumbag
15 years ago,
360
00:14:21,261 --> 00:14:22,994
He might have turned
his life around.
361
00:14:22,996 --> 00:14:25,663
Like ben affleck
or bill clinton.
362
00:14:25,665 --> 00:14:27,332
-Not really the best examples.
363
00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:29,868
-Where's your "jumanji" spirit?
364
00:14:29,870 --> 00:14:33,105
-Fine!
But let's fifth gear this thing.
365
00:14:35,342 --> 00:14:36,942
-Oh. Okay.
366
00:14:36,944 --> 00:14:38,276
Even though we're unhoused,
367
00:14:38,278 --> 00:14:41,213
I bet my dad
still provides me with love.
368
00:14:41,215 --> 00:14:43,215
Oh, my god. Let it be him.
369
00:14:43,217 --> 00:14:44,550
He's an actual good person.
370
00:14:44,552 --> 00:14:48,220
-I knew tommy would
never amount to anything.
371
00:14:48,222 --> 00:14:51,890
-Not the daddy!
-Ow!
372
00:14:51,892 --> 00:14:53,825
Jesus...
373
00:14:53,827 --> 00:14:56,028
Is my father?
374
00:14:56,030 --> 00:14:57,362
-It's a community
theater production
375
00:14:57,364 --> 00:14:58,696
Of "jesus christ superstar."
376
00:14:58,698 --> 00:15:01,032
How old do you think I am?
-Oh.
377
00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:03,501
So he's an actor?
-No.
378
00:15:03,503 --> 00:15:06,504
It's jean paul,
the lighting guy up there.
379
00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:08,706
Except I thought
we just did butt stuff.
380
00:15:08,708 --> 00:15:12,310
-Couldn't be the daddy!
-Ow.
381
00:15:12,312 --> 00:15:15,180
-Ah. The world's tallest mormon,
norman.
382
00:15:15,182 --> 00:15:16,782
I did him to try to get into
383
00:15:16,784 --> 00:15:19,050
"the guinness book
of world records."
384
00:15:19,052 --> 00:15:22,720
-Not sure turtlenecks or forced
child marriage are my thing.
385
00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:26,392
-You watch, annie.
It's only gonna get worse.
386
00:15:26,394 --> 00:15:29,394
-Not the daddy!
387
00:15:29,396 --> 00:15:32,330
-Wait. Wait. Wait a minute.
388
00:15:32,332 --> 00:15:36,402
-[ raspy breathing ]
389
00:15:36,404 --> 00:15:39,137
-Who is that guy?
-Can we leave, please?
390
00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:40,606
-Let's see --
391
00:15:40,608 --> 00:15:44,742
Neck tattoo, balding,
smells like chicken fingers.
392
00:15:44,744 --> 00:15:47,746
Oh! Okay, yep, my high school
best friend's father.
393
00:15:47,748 --> 00:15:50,348
He also taught me
how to ride a bike.
394
00:15:50,350 --> 00:15:52,350
Hey!
You're not supposed to see me!
395
00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:54,419
-I see you, trophy.
396
00:15:54,421 --> 00:15:57,022
I've always seen you.
397
00:15:57,024 --> 00:15:58,290
-Not the daddy!
398
00:15:58,292 --> 00:15:59,825
-Annie, we're going home
right now.
399
00:15:59,827 --> 00:16:01,960
Daddy or no daddy.
-Just one more.
400
00:16:01,962 --> 00:16:04,296
And can't we bring this annie
with us at least?
401
00:16:04,298 --> 00:16:08,033
Please! I need to save her!
402
00:16:08,035 --> 00:16:11,236
Whoa! Finally!
403
00:16:11,238 --> 00:16:13,905
This is the "mamma mia" ending
I deserve!
404
00:16:13,907 --> 00:16:17,175
[ grunts, inhales deeply ]
405
00:16:17,177 --> 00:16:19,911
He smells like feta
and oregano.
406
00:16:19,913 --> 00:16:21,847
-Stephanos here
revenge-porned me
407
00:16:21,849 --> 00:16:24,450
Into working in his parents'
diner for a whole semester.
408
00:16:24,452 --> 00:16:26,318
Please don't make me
keep doing this!
409
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:29,655
-He's making me saganaki!
-Opa!
410
00:16:29,657 --> 00:16:30,989
-I can't take it anymore, annie!
Come on.
411
00:16:30,991 --> 00:16:32,991
I'll buy you one of those
pepperoni-stuffed
412
00:16:32,993 --> 00:16:34,592
Hot dogs you love.
413
00:16:34,594 --> 00:16:36,728
I'm sorry I called them
a metaphor for cannibalism.
414
00:16:36,730 --> 00:16:39,197
Please.
-If you want to leave, leave.
415
00:16:39,199 --> 00:16:40,466
I'm staying.
-Fine.
416
00:16:40,468 --> 00:16:41,933
Go ahead and see for yourself.
417
00:16:41,935 --> 00:16:44,336
Real mommy out!
418
00:16:44,338 --> 00:16:46,805
-Great! Finally!
Just me and papa.
419
00:16:46,807 --> 00:16:49,941
-Mmmm. Nom, nom, nom, nom.
No, no, annie.
420
00:16:49,943 --> 00:16:52,878
[ speaking greek ] okay.
421
00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:54,746
It's time.
422
00:16:54,748 --> 00:16:58,216
-Not the daddy!
-Aah!
423
00:16:58,218 --> 00:17:00,352
-Do you have a freckle here?
424
00:17:00,354 --> 00:17:02,020
-No.
-Ah.
425
00:17:02,022 --> 00:17:05,357
How about here?
-No.
426
00:17:05,359 --> 00:17:07,425
-Okay, so far,
we're zero for 88.
427
00:17:07,427 --> 00:17:08,760
That's okay. That's okay.
428
00:17:08,762 --> 00:17:10,562
Next question, do you like --
-time to go.
429
00:17:10,564 --> 00:17:12,097
You had enough time
with father.
430
00:17:12,099 --> 00:17:13,499
You man now?
431
00:17:13,501 --> 00:17:16,768
Maybe you no longer need baba.
Ha!
432
00:17:16,770 --> 00:17:19,437
-But baba,
you're my best friend.
433
00:17:19,439 --> 00:17:22,174
-Mother cannot be best friends.
434
00:17:22,176 --> 00:17:24,309
-What about rory and lorelai?
435
00:17:24,311 --> 00:17:25,511
-Oh, petey.
436
00:17:25,513 --> 00:17:28,714
Okay. I best friend.
437
00:17:28,716 --> 00:17:31,116
Game over.
Time to take baba home.
438
00:17:31,118 --> 00:17:33,251
Wrap thighs. Chafed.
439
00:17:33,253 --> 00:17:37,189
-Let me just say goodbye.
-Yeah.
440
00:17:37,191 --> 00:17:40,792
-Dad, I love you,
and I wish you were alive.
441
00:17:40,794 --> 00:17:43,061
You're really smart
and you're cool,
442
00:17:43,063 --> 00:17:46,998
And you've helped me understand
myself genetically and sexually.
443
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:48,666
I'd like to get a photo.
444
00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:50,402
[ camera shutter clicks ]
445
00:17:50,404 --> 00:17:52,337
P-dawg out!
446
00:17:52,339 --> 00:17:53,805
Meet you in the car, baba!
447
00:17:53,807 --> 00:17:55,407
Oh, sorry, pete senior.
448
00:17:55,409 --> 00:17:57,876
I was so distracted from meeting
my dad, I didn't see you coming.
449
00:17:57,878 --> 00:18:01,346
-Not a problem, petey.
-Thanks for doing hologram.
450
00:18:01,348 --> 00:18:03,481
-Damn. Every time.
451
00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:05,483
You sure you don't want
to tell him?
452
00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:08,686
-Baba all the parent pete need.
453
00:18:08,688 --> 00:18:10,756
-Okay.
454
00:18:10,758 --> 00:18:12,490
[ both moaning ]
455
00:18:12,492 --> 00:18:14,760
-You wonderful lover.
456
00:18:14,762 --> 00:18:15,894
Terrible father.
457
00:18:15,896 --> 00:18:18,897
-Okay.
458
00:18:18,899 --> 00:18:22,234
-A raisin?
She flupped a raisin.
459
00:18:22,236 --> 00:18:25,170
Ugh, get me out of here.
Wait, where are the dice?
460
00:18:25,172 --> 00:18:26,838
Trophy, where are the dice?
461
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:28,706
-Ooh.
462
00:18:28,708 --> 00:18:32,110
Are they in your pocket?
463
00:18:32,112 --> 00:18:33,979
-I don't have pockets!
464
00:18:33,981 --> 00:18:37,048
Let me guess, this is payback
for making you walk down
465
00:18:37,050 --> 00:18:38,250
Recovered memory lane?
466
00:18:38,252 --> 00:18:42,454
Well, hope your father
does a good job raisin you.
467
00:18:42,456 --> 00:18:44,189
I gotta find a way out of here,
fast!
468
00:18:44,191 --> 00:18:47,192
[ breathing heavily ]
469
00:18:47,194 --> 00:18:50,062
[ groans ]
470
00:18:50,064 --> 00:18:53,731
-♪ how did daddy's little girl
get so big? ♪
471
00:18:53,733 --> 00:18:56,468
You're gonna want to buckle
your seatbelt,
472
00:18:56,470 --> 00:18:58,003
Check your rearview mirror,
pull over,
473
00:18:58,005 --> 00:19:01,206
And let daddy teach you
how to parallel park.
474
00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:03,942
-Okay. Aah! Who are you?
475
00:19:03,944 --> 00:19:05,611
-I'm your mom's old beau,
george.
476
00:19:05,613 --> 00:19:08,146
And I train gators
to attack homeless people.
477
00:19:08,148 --> 00:19:10,949
Now, did you put on enough
sunscreen today, darlin'?
478
00:19:10,951 --> 00:19:12,350
-No! Stop!
479
00:19:12,352 --> 00:19:14,019
-♪ bum-bum-bum-bum-
bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum ♪
480
00:19:14,021 --> 00:19:15,353
♪ ease up on the gas
we going too fast ♪
481
00:19:15,355 --> 00:19:16,688
♪ we gonna crash ♪
482
00:19:16,690 --> 00:19:19,491
-Ugh! Stop!
You're helicopter-daddying me!
483
00:19:19,493 --> 00:19:23,094
I can't think! Oh, no.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
484
00:19:23,096 --> 00:19:25,831
May I help you, officer?
-Hi, there.
485
00:19:25,833 --> 00:19:28,099
Do you know why
I pulled you over, sweetie?
486
00:19:28,101 --> 00:19:29,234
-No?
487
00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:30,769
-You forgot to drink
all your milk and give daddy
488
00:19:30,771 --> 00:19:32,237
A hug goodbye this morning.
489
00:19:32,239 --> 00:19:34,306
I'm grounding you, young lady.
490
00:19:34,308 --> 00:19:36,708
-Stop it!
-Annie, honey!
491
00:19:36,710 --> 00:19:38,243
Can you help me in the yard?
492
00:19:38,245 --> 00:19:41,313
This should get the boys
at school to "leaf" you alone.
493
00:19:41,315 --> 00:19:43,248
Eh?
-Ahh! Dad jokes!
494
00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:45,651
-Eh?
-And dad jeans!
495
00:19:45,653 --> 00:19:47,653
Ah! Kirk has a twin brother?
-Hold still.
496
00:19:47,655 --> 00:19:49,387
You got a little schmutz
on your face.
497
00:19:49,389 --> 00:19:51,256
Let me help you.
Hold still.
498
00:19:51,258 --> 00:19:52,590
-No...
499
00:19:52,592 --> 00:19:54,460
-Hey, hun,
you want me to proofread
500
00:19:54,462 --> 00:19:55,793
Your social studies report?
501
00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:56,995
You know I don't care
about grades.
502
00:19:56,997 --> 00:19:59,998
I just want to make sure
you did your best.
503
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,667
-Et tu, board game announcer?
504
00:20:01,669 --> 00:20:05,137
-I thought we had a real
daddy/daughter thing going here.
505
00:20:05,139 --> 00:20:06,872
-Annie, annie!
Here comes daddy!
506
00:20:06,874 --> 00:20:09,941
-I'm not mad, annie!
I'm just disappointed!
507
00:20:09,943 --> 00:20:11,276
-Stop!
-Tell daddy you love him!
508
00:20:11,278 --> 00:20:14,412
-Stop! You're not my daddy!
You're not my daddy!
509
00:20:14,414 --> 00:20:17,349
Stop! You're not my daddy!
510
00:20:17,351 --> 00:20:20,418
I don't want a daddy!
511
00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:23,389
I don't need a daddy!
512
00:20:27,027 --> 00:20:28,494
[ bell dings ]
-congratulations!
513
00:20:28,496 --> 00:20:30,162
You won the game, annie!
514
00:20:30,164 --> 00:20:33,165
-I thought you won
when you found your father?
515
00:20:33,167 --> 00:20:34,833
-Not with your options.
516
00:20:34,835 --> 00:20:37,435
The only way for you to win
is to stop playing.
517
00:20:37,437 --> 00:20:38,970
But just so you know,
I think we had something
518
00:20:38,972 --> 00:20:41,907
Really special
back there, pumpkin.
519
00:20:41,909 --> 00:20:44,109
-Well, well, well.
Welcome home, gator tater.
520
00:20:44,111 --> 00:20:45,911
You find what
you were looking for?
521
00:20:45,913 --> 00:20:48,380
-No.
Your taste in men is horrific.
522
00:20:48,382 --> 00:20:51,383
And dads are more annoying
than I ever imagined.
523
00:20:51,385 --> 00:20:53,852
-Look, a girl needs a father,
524
00:20:53,854 --> 00:20:58,190
Like a fish needs a father
to teach her how to ride a bike,
525
00:20:58,192 --> 00:21:01,059
Especially if the fish
is a deadbeat creep,
526
00:21:01,061 --> 00:21:05,864
And you already know
how to ride a bike, annie?
527
00:21:05,866 --> 00:21:08,800
Do you see what I'm saying?
-Not really.
528
00:21:08,802 --> 00:21:11,737
-What if I told you that
your dad loves you very much
529
00:21:11,739 --> 00:21:14,406
And is really proud
of the woman you're becoming?
530
00:21:14,408 --> 00:21:17,943
-You do know who my father is?
-Not exactly.
531
00:21:17,945 --> 00:21:20,746
But if I did,
and if we could find him,
532
00:21:20,748 --> 00:21:23,481
And if he could stay
out of rehab long enough
533
00:21:23,483 --> 00:21:27,018
To get to know you,
I know that's what he'd say.
534
00:21:27,020 --> 00:21:28,354
-Yow!
-Nut shot! Yes!
535
00:21:28,356 --> 00:21:30,155
-Annie, guess what?
536
00:21:30,157 --> 00:21:35,627
I met my dad, and he's dead,
but we're exactly alike.
537
00:21:35,629 --> 00:21:37,429
Damn. Every time?
538
00:21:37,431 --> 00:21:41,499
-Well, I ended up learning that
I'm better off without a dad.
539
00:21:41,501 --> 00:21:42,700
-Don't sweat it, kiddo
540
00:21:42,702 --> 00:21:45,837
'cause dads still aren't
as cool as moms.
541
00:21:45,839 --> 00:21:47,372
-That's right, petey.
542
00:21:47,374 --> 00:21:49,775
No one here know their father,
not even baba. We fine.
543
00:21:49,777 --> 00:21:52,978
Now shut trap
and watch nut shot.
544
00:21:52,980 --> 00:21:55,513
Oh!
He won't be daddy anytime soon!
545
00:21:55,515 --> 00:21:58,450
[ laughter ]
546
00:21:58,452 --> 00:22:00,252
Baba love this show!
547
00:22:02,722 --> 00:22:04,590
-♪ oh, annie ♪
548
00:22:06,594 --> 00:22:08,727
♪ I'm not your daddy ♪
549
00:22:08,729 --> 00:22:11,730
♪ mama's baby's papa's baby ♪
550
00:22:11,732 --> 00:22:13,565
♪ oh, annie ♪
551
00:22:15,603 --> 00:22:17,636
♪ I'm not your daddy ♪