-It was just another day as a crotch beetle
in Trophy's vagina.
I believe it was a Friday.
Everyone was business as usual -- replacing fluids,
removing stray bottle caps, that sort of thing.
Everyone but me.
Me, I've always been a dreamer.
Hey, Norma...
you ever wonder what it'd be like
to venture into the great, wide, non-vaginal world beyond?
- Whaddaya mean? The feet? - No, I mean...
out there!
- No, why would I?
Trophy's roomy ladycave contains everything we could ever need --
shelter, barbiturates, Fun Hat Fridays --
- The basics, yes.
But don't you have dreams?
- Hat on, Martina!
Stop your whimsy!
Remember whose vag you're living in.
-I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but one day...
I'm gonna live in a little crotch of my very own.
Is that any good?
- Good morning, students.
I'm Mr. BJ Educator, your substitute teacher.
So, for the rest of the year, we'll be watching
the thought-provoking film "Remember the Titans."
- But we're already watching it in science class.
Mrs. Gilman is going through a divorce,
and it's the best she can do right now.
-Principal Shepler here with your Thank the Lord
and Savior Jesus Christ It's Friday announcements!
Coach Kitman's trial will be broadcast live
in the auditorium on Monday.
Wear green if you think he's guilty
and blue if you have first-hand knowledge of his guilt.
So, we're canceling tonight's football game and pep rally
and showing the film "Remember the Titans" instead.
Hope you remember to bring your school spirit.
- At this point, I'd really like to forget the Titans.
- If I forget the Titans, will you please remind me?
- Ha! You're fun.
- Sometimes, life is fun for no reason at all.
I know it'll be lame, but want to sit with me tonight?
- I don't scratch my head unless it itches,
I don't dance unless I hear some music,
and I don't go to the movies unless someone asks me!
- Sweet Denzel impresh!
You do anyone else?
- Isn't it ironic... but I don't.
- Can't wait for you to meet my peeps.
- I mean, Javi and I have texted about homework four times,
sat at the same table at lunch three times,
and today, they asked me to friend third base --
watching a movie at night.
- Sorry, hon, I need you to babysit the beetles tonight.
I've got my first real date date post-resurrection,
and I can't have bugs in my jelly roll.
- But you know I've always dreamed
of being part of a squad.
That's not fair.
-I'm not fair, Annie.
This guy could be the one.
He's a..."art clown".
Real stepdad material!
- Can't Baba or Pete watch the beetles?
- It's Friday, Annie.
Old country mother/son date night.
- Oh, right. But don't you need the beetles
to stop you from literally falling apart?
- I have no idea, Annie.
My body is a mystery only an art clown can solve.
- Why did I think this Friday would be any different?
"Annie, babysit the beetles.
Annie, wear this wig and meet with my parole officer.
Annie, go make another season of 'Mad Men.' I'm bored."
I'm so mad, I could sigh!
- Yikes.
Trophy doesn't call her "The Drain" for nothing.
- Annie's not a drain.
She's a faucet of hopes and dreams.
Let's help her.
- That tickles! Whoa!
I guess Coach Kitman was right -- for some people,
the most flattering outfit is a large sweatshirt.
But I can't look incredible and go out in public.
I think that's an either/or.
Thanks anyway, guys. - What gives?
We just pulled a full Cinderella on her,
and now she wants to stay home?
You're a bleeding heart for losers, Martina.
- What a waste of a fun hat!
- She's just used to crushing her own dreams
before the world or her mother gets a chance to.
We have to spell it out for her.
- Yay!
- Oh! Okay!
I guess you'll be my emotional support beetles!
Here, hop in my Jansport.
Wait, stop!
I'm talking about my backpack!
Besides, that would be my frontpack.
- See?
You can make meatloaf and give foot rub at same time.
Peter, why you no give bunion the tickle-tickle?
- Don't get me wrong, I love being a slave to the matriarchy,
but sometimes, I wish I had a guy pal to hang with.
- Male friendship not for shy undertaker grown boys, Peter.
You never leave the Baba. - Special delivery.
Mr. Peter Fantasy.
- What this? Too small to be bride.
Any package that not for work and not bride for pervert.
- Not perverts, Baba -- loners.
-I'm Gymnast Gregory.
Wanna see my front roundoff?
- There's something wrong with this wife, Peter.
If she no get pregnant in 90 days, we return.
- Gregory's not my lover.
He's here to be my friend.
See?
-Men die an average of five years earlier than women.
Loneliness is one of the biggest threats
to men's health.
But Gymnast Gregory, our companion smart doll,
is here to help.
-While we watch the game, let's do a somatic inventory
of the places our bodies carry tension.
- I'd like that, Greg.
-As a professional athlete,
Gymnast Gregory creates intimacy
within a nonthreatening sports-based bond.
-Tell me about the frustrations you feel
with your manager at work.
I love hearing you talk about the situation
yet never do anything to change it.
-He can flip, cartwheel, and help males over 18
experience vulnerability with another man.
- Most things I need to get off my chest are too embarrassing
to share with other men and too boring for human women.
-Sharing your feelings can help lower your blood pressure
and make you less inclined to yell at strangers.
In a double-blind study, Gymnast Gregory owners
were 17% less likely to murder women
who rejected their sexual advances.
- I didn't understand the importance
of straight male friendship
when it came to my depression, but I do now.
Thank you, Gymnast Gregory.
- But lonely middle-aged men some of our best customers.
-Spot me on the balance beam!
Then I'll help you confront the inadequacy you feel
when you pee sitting down.
You mean standing is an option?!
Having a male friend is gonna be great!
- Peter, you no need boyfriend
when you have good job and lubed-up Baba.
- Didn't realize mimes are technically art clowns.
How 'd you know I love gas-station flowers?
And horse tranquilizers.
He's mine. Oh, he's mine.
- Good evening. Ready to order?
Oh! Okay, two words.
Uh, you're a...chicken...
- Newborn kitten! - Breastfeeding!
- The Vietnam War! - Tender!
- Oh, chicken tenders! Chicken tenders!
And what kind of sauce would you like with that sir?
Three words... - Just bring us one of each.
And I'll take a hamburger patty soaked in vodka.
Geeze latoosh, it's barely been an hour without my beetles.
Better put a jump on the hump.
Francois, how bout we skip straight to dessert?
They have a wonderful back alley here, and so do I.
- Good turnout!
Surprised the recycling club came as the segregationist mob,
but they do enjoying separating things.
Oh, no, there go my social-anxiety hives.
Better just go home.
Hey...what are you doing?
Wow, you just superficially covered them up.
I guess that's what Trophy does with all her flaws.
- Annie, hey!
Reminder -- the Titans! Remember?
- Oops, I, uh, almost forgot.
- I'm Safety Pin.
My thing's safety pins.
- I'm Babygirl.
My thing's sucking a pacifier dipped in cough syrup.
I've really internalized misogyny
and totally missed the point of "Lolita"...
for now! - Cool!
Javi, what's your thing?
- I'm into post-colonial feminism,
but I don't have a visual signifier for it yet,
and long Furbys.
- What's your thing, Annie? - My thing is...
looking at the ground and -- and -- and -- and...
- Hey, Martina! Get your head in the game!
Playing fairy godmother to The Drain was your idea!
- And mystery.
My thing is mystery.
- I told you, she is full of surprises.
- Nice. - Meta.
- How ironic would nachos be?
- I could really dip my pacifier in some cheese right now.
- Oh...
actually, would you like some nachos?
- You are mysterious.
- Annie overcoming her fears and Denzel on the big screen --
doesn't it all just make a girl dream of a better world?
- Hope it's a world where you shut the hell up.
- Table for two, sir?
Or will your mother be spying on you
from the car again this evening?
- Two for the all-male section, please.
We're here to experience positive platonic masculinity.
- Perhaps something by the septic tan--
-Could you tell me all about
exactly how whiskey gets distilled?
- Oh, my apologies Mr. Gregory.
I didn't see you there. Please follow me.
- So, buddy, what should we discuss first?
Deck remodels? Automotive repair?
Having spare keys made?
-We could start by listing NFL quarterback record-holders,
but the real touchdown would be you sharing
what's bothering you tonight.
- Me?
No one's ever talked to me about sports trivia
or asked me how I feel before!
Mommies.
One minute, you're happily snuggled up in their womb,
the next, you're 31
and they don't trust you to go have a drink with a male friend.
-Wow. Thanks for opening up like that.
- Baba's only ever thanked me for shutting my face hole!
Cheers to male friendship.
- Just close your eyes and hold still --
it's best if I'm the only one who moves.
Oops. There we go. Okay.
Mm.
How can we
if you're trapped in an invisible box!
Let me in!
How am I supposed to get home now?
Oh!
Ooh!
I guess without the beetles, I don't quite work right.
I'll call Annie.
Daughters should be good for something.
Huh, I really need those beetles.
Damn it!
Welp, it's all downhill from here.
-And that is why we will always...
-Remember the Titans.
- What are you up to tomorrow, Annie?
- Tomorrow? Tomorrow?
- Mm, not your best. - Right, yeah, I know.
- Well, we'll be at the skatepark in the morning.
Hope to see ya there.
- Plans on a Saturday morning,
right after plans on a Friday night?
Who knew I was "that bitch"?
Couldn't have done it without you guys!
- Okay, everybody, let's get some shut-eye!
Don't forget, we've got a vagina to rebuild bright and early.
It's probably gonna be absolutely wrecked
by clown penis. - Yay!
- Who's excited for Infrastructure Week!
- Me! - Not I.
Like Annie, I want more out of life.
I've actually written some free-verse I'd like to share
on the topic of my dreams.
'Twas the night I discovered - - That's enough out of you.
Tomorrow, you're on anus watch.
- But I'm a terrible goalie. You've said it yourself.
Hmm, you're wet and bumpy. This could work out.
I have an excellent franchise opportunity inside my vagina.
Can you go round up some of your friends?
Hear me, frogs of the forest, take me home!
- Beetles! Beetles? I need your help.
Faking social adequacy during a movie is one thing,
but a skate park in the cold light of day...
I'm not sure I'm up to this!
Ahhh!
Who said you could sleep in there?
- I was cold, and I took her gentle snoring as consent.
- Me, too.
- Where the hell is Trophy!
Us crotch beetles keep her alive.
Plus, without her constantly ordering us around,
the hive is beginning to spiral.
- I for one say we keep helping Annie.
She and I are kindred souls.
- Okay, at least it'll keep the masses busy 'til Trophy returns.
Hey, beetles!
Let's make 'er up! - Yay!
- I look like a self-confident suburban teen trying to rebel
against understanding parents who love her.
And you made me a skateboard
out of the lid of a baby coffin?!
I'm so freaking mysterious!
- Annie, Annie!
Have you seen Peter?
Baba wait hour for Saturday breakfast in bed,
but no tuna sandwich, no morning love letter,
no Petey!
- Trophy never came home last night, either.
- It all Gymnast Gregory fault.
This why Baba always warn you kids -- no make friends.
- Actually... I made some friends last night.
The beetles and I are on our way
to meet them at the skate park now.
- Annie, this no time to crack jokes.
You sweet social outcast like your uncle.
Weekends are for family, not make-believe friends.
Whew, made it back on some pollywog power!
You can clock out now.
Alright, beetles, assemble the pit crew!
Putting Humpy Trophy back together again
is gonna take days.
Beetles? Anyone?
C'mon, I know you're home, Annie.
It's the weekend!
Uh-oh. Get back here.
- Is this your tongue?
Be more careful!
- Where's Annie and my crotch beetles?
- If you can't date men who treat you right,
you really should just spend Friday nights with Petey and me.
- Hey, Baba.
Sorry I missed breakfast, but Gregory and I
went to see a Christopher Nolan movie
and then drove around all night
quoting lines from other Christopher Nolan movies.
Sorry.
- You mean you stay up all night
breaking your worried mother's heart.
-I'm supposed to practice my back hand springs,
but I'm all ears if you wanna go off
on all the ways your mother's emotionally blackmailing you.
She's not the hero Gotham needs, Pete.
- Be warned, Petey.
Funeral home no place for male gymnast.
I have known quite a few.
They steal your shoes and trade for steroids,
but the Baba know you want man-friend.
There someone I want you to meet.
- Oh, my. - This Petetini.
Baba make smarter doll.
He good boy like you.
-Let's make Mother French toast,
then sniff all her babushkas 'til we find the one
that smells like her hair in the rain.
Maybe Gregory should leave.
He scares me, Pete.
-I only listen, not judge.
Judging is for the Olympics. - Oh, no.
This is the ultimate loner's dilemma!
- Wow, Annie! Nice Caballerial.
- Nice eyebrow safety pin.
- Love your baby-coffin board.
- Oh, my gosh, I'm doing it!
Nothing can take this away from me!
- Sorry, kids.
We've got to close down the skate park today.
It's for the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
- Aw, the park needs to be empty
because their immune system's compromised?
- No.
Their wish was to make other children angry
by closing the park.
Mean kids get cancer, too.
Everybody out!
All of you, outta here.
- Now what? We can't go to my house.
My parents are hoarders. - My dad's a mime.
It takes him like six hours to pantomime invisible snacks.
- We could go to my house.
But my whole family is baby and we live in a giant crib.
It was cool at first.
- Oh, well, maybe tomorrow. See you later.
- Bye-bye.
- Oh.
I've never had friends over before,
but I guess it's technically possible.
Hey, guys! We could go to my house.
- Coo-coo.
- Must be kinda weird to live in a funeral home.
- Shhh -- it's better
if we don't disturb Baba mid-embalm.
- Annie? That you?
Your mother need vagina bugs back.
Her foot fall off.
Blah blah blah, typical mortician talk.
This way!
- What's that noise?
- Is this your family? They're cute.
- I know you said mystery was your thing,
but clearly, you're a frog girl.
- Annie!
- Too mysterious, too mysterious!
- Wait! Don't leave!
We could play Wii or go hang out in the corpse freezer.
My thing isn't frogs!
It's actually friendship.
Friendship is my thing!
Mom, what exactly happens on a date?
- I didn't realize my crotch beetles
make up my entire skeleton.
I need them back pronto, Annie!
- For what it's worth, they are really great beetles.
They even helped me make some friends.
The friends are, of course, gone now, but at one point
in the last two days, I can say I had up to three friends.
- I think that ran its course.
C'mon home, beetles.
Mama needs you!
- C'mon, beetles!
We've gotta raise this broad's barn!
Everybody in! Martina?
Martina? You coming?
- You know what? I'm not.
We both knew this day would come, Norma.
This is goodbye.
- Well, I'll leave the cervix open for you.
- Thanks a lot for babysitting, Annie.
- Annie! Hey, Annie.
- I'm Martina, and I just have to say, you are so cool.
- I am? - Oh, yeah.
You want something more out of life
than just serving Trophy, and so do I.
- Are you going to be my beetle from now on?
- No, I'm leaving to find my path.
I'm a dreamer, just like you.
But listen, Annie.
One day, you'll get out of here,
and until then, you should really give Javi a call.
Just tell them your thing is haunted houses.
- Thanks.
And good luck fulfilling your dreams.
- Oh, I will.
You know, I've been workshopping some singer-songwriter stuff,
and I'd really love to share with --
- I think I'm just gonna go make that call.
-Don't be such a dreamer, Gregory.
Thanks to me, Pete is working on his self-respect
and recognizing the toxic patterns
that are keeping him stuck.
-Gymnast Gregory, my critique of you
is that you cannot walk plain, always doing flips.
Just like you cannot accept Pete plain.
You have him doing flips of personality.
- That's actually true. Petetini makes a lot of sense.
-You know what I love about you, Pete,
even your big feelings can't frighten me off.
- Oh, that's such a relief, Gregory.
I was worried if I told you about my abandonment issues,
you'd abandon me, just like that.
-Wee!
- And you've abandoned me, just like that.
Petetini not leave.
- I paid for a male friendship doll
with anti-abandonment programming
that could never walk out on me like my father did.
- Peter, my only boy.
Keep boring feelings to self, 'kay?
-I embarrassed for you.
- Have the beetles said when they'll be done
with the reconstruction?
- They're contractors.
Whatever they say, add six weeks.
Since I'm stuck at home, how about we watch that
"Remember the Beauticians" movie you're always blathering about?
- Sorry, I'm meeting Javi and the girls in front of the 911.
I worried they'd never talk to me again,
but they seem sort of fascinated
by a haunted funeral home being my thing.
- Where you two off to?
Saturday nights, we clean sink drains
and listen to podcasts of people playing Scrabble.
- Actually, Baba, Petetini and I are going to go drink
some light beer out of cans.
It's really important that we take some time
to recharge our masculine energy.
- Should have never had kids. - Should have never had kids.
- She's not coming back, Norma.
- Who would have thought I'd miss that crazy dreamer.
- Well, you're about to miss Silly Shirt Saturday!
Get in here!
- Here's to you, Martina.
You keep dreaming those big dreams.
Enough for all us crotch beetles.
-And that's the story of how I went from living
in an overcrowded corpse vagina
to living in a small plastic gymnast.
Never, ever give up on your dreams.