1 00:00:00,867 --> 00:00:02,401 -Margot! 2 00:00:02,403 --> 00:00:04,869 -Dare me to dive into these sharp rocks? 3 00:00:04,871 --> 00:00:05,870 -Hell yes! 4 00:00:05,872 --> 00:00:06,939 -I heard sharp rocks don't exist! 5 00:00:06,941 --> 00:00:08,340 -Sharp rocks are a hoax 6 00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:09,341 Invented by the chinese dude. 7 00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:11,377 -[ screams ] [ body thuds ] 8 00:00:16,082 --> 00:00:17,616 [ baby crying ] 9 00:00:17,618 --> 00:00:22,354 -♪ I'm not as crazy as I used to be ♪ 10 00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:25,424 ♪ some of my devils up and left me free ♪ 11 00:00:25,426 --> 00:00:27,292 ♪ to find a quiet space ♪ 12 00:00:27,294 --> 00:00:29,227 ♪ I'm not as out of place ♪ 13 00:00:29,229 --> 00:00:32,831 ♪ and I'm coming home again ♪ 14 00:00:32,833 --> 00:00:37,636 ♪ it's been too long a time gettin' back what's mine ♪ 15 00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:42,507 ♪ and I can't remember why I went away ♪ 16 00:00:42,509 --> 00:00:46,578 ♪ but it's lookin' now like maybe I can stay ♪ 17 00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:49,181 Is that any good? 18 00:00:49,183 --> 00:00:54,252 [ air horn blows, cheering ] 19 00:00:54,254 --> 00:00:55,453 -Wow, baba. 20 00:00:55,455 --> 00:00:56,655 Spring break is always lucrative, 21 00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:59,123 But this might be our busiest season yet. 22 00:00:59,125 --> 00:01:00,325 -Yes, my grandchild. 23 00:01:00,327 --> 00:01:02,727 The co-eds are dropping like flies. 24 00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:05,130 If flies had alcohol poisoning 25 00:01:05,132 --> 00:01:07,666 And fatal water-sports accidents. 26 00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:11,003 -Kyle! Kyle! Kyle! 27 00:01:11,005 --> 00:01:13,338 -Kyle died like he lived. 28 00:01:13,340 --> 00:01:15,740 Playing jet ski beer pong. 29 00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:16,741 [ sniffles ] 30 00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,076 Stay swole, bro. 31 00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,944 -Stay swole! 32 00:01:19,946 --> 00:01:23,015 -How much extra to add honey to the slide n' slip? 33 00:01:23,017 --> 00:01:24,483 -$5 flori-dollars a head. 34 00:01:24,485 --> 00:01:27,219 -I think kyle would have wanted it that way. 35 00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:29,021 Weeeee! 36 00:01:29,023 --> 00:01:30,422 -Hey, party boy! 37 00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:33,692 I waxed my pubes in the shape of a solo cup. 38 00:01:33,694 --> 00:01:34,893 Wanna sip? 39 00:01:34,895 --> 00:01:36,028 -No thank you, ma'am. 40 00:01:36,030 --> 00:01:37,496 -Ma'am?! 41 00:01:37,498 --> 00:01:39,297 Annie, I need you to cover my forehead 42 00:01:39,299 --> 00:01:41,033 With the curtain of youth. -No! 43 00:01:41,035 --> 00:01:42,367 Don't attempt home bangs; 44 00:01:42,369 --> 00:01:44,036 The potential for trauma's too high. 45 00:01:44,038 --> 00:01:46,971 Baba trimmed my bangs when I was and child protective services 46 00:01:46,973 --> 00:01:49,908 Made me live in a group home for months till they grew back. 47 00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:52,244 -So baba's willing to do it? Thanks. 48 00:01:52,246 --> 00:01:56,248 Annie tells me you can make my forehead go from here to here. 49 00:01:56,250 --> 00:01:57,649 Got a minute? -[ sighs ] 50 00:01:57,651 --> 00:02:00,318 Okay, daughter, but bangs on woman your age 51 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:02,987 Is very shameful cry for help. 52 00:02:02,989 --> 00:02:05,858 -What's baba doing? -Trophy wanted bangs. 53 00:02:05,860 --> 00:02:07,259 -[ gasps ] 54 00:02:07,261 --> 00:02:09,528 -[ shrieks ] what did you do! 55 00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:13,131 My forehead is big enough to have its own ass! 56 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,466 -Relax, it grow back. 57 00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,068 Three months. Value haircut. 58 00:02:16,070 --> 00:02:19,204 -You did this on purpose to ruin my spring break. 59 00:02:19,206 --> 00:02:23,675 You just love screwing things up for me, don't you old woman?! 60 00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:26,879 -Stay still, desperately vain corpse. 61 00:02:26,881 --> 00:02:28,547 Baba fix. 62 00:02:28,549 --> 00:02:33,618 -911. Yes, I'd like to report a child being abused 63 00:02:33,620 --> 00:02:37,422 By a non-maternal crone-like foreign woman. 64 00:02:37,424 --> 00:02:40,158 Yes, the child is a very youthful 33. 65 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:46,231 -911, my pathetic, promiscuous daughter is elder abusing me. 66 00:02:46,233 --> 00:02:48,767 Send your most sadistic cop asap. 67 00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:49,834 They all sadistic? 68 00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:52,771 Choose the one in least-happy marriage. 69 00:02:52,773 --> 00:02:54,106 [ siren wails ] 70 00:02:54,108 --> 00:02:55,774 -Sxpd! Freeze! [ people gasps ] 71 00:02:55,776 --> 00:02:58,510 Pardon the interruption folks, we received two calls 72 00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,178 From suspected white women in distress, 73 00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:02,180 So we're gonna need you all to line up right quick 74 00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:05,784 According to immigration status and bra size... 75 00:03:05,786 --> 00:03:06,785 -Hold on. 76 00:03:06,787 --> 00:03:08,853 I'm seeing the bangs of a psychopath. 77 00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:10,989 Must be our perp. Cuff her, monotonee. 78 00:03:10,991 --> 00:03:12,724 -No, I'm the victim! 79 00:03:12,726 --> 00:03:16,595 You're looking for illegal-alien edward scissorhands over there! 80 00:03:16,597 --> 00:03:18,396 -Let's see what forensics say, ma'am. 81 00:03:18,398 --> 00:03:19,932 Hold out your hands. 82 00:03:19,934 --> 00:03:22,935 -But I also victim! -Sorry, ma'am. 83 00:03:22,937 --> 00:03:24,136 [ beeping ] 84 00:03:24,138 --> 00:03:25,404 Officer infinitee, 85 00:03:25,406 --> 00:03:26,739 She's coming up positive 86 00:03:26,741 --> 00:03:28,807 As an accessory to this bang trim. 87 00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:30,875 -You made me ugly on purpose! 88 00:03:30,877 --> 00:03:34,412 If I had a hot daughter, I'd never do this to her! 89 00:03:34,414 --> 00:03:36,348 -Yeah, well, if you had stronger chin 90 00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:38,416 You'd look quirky and carefree! 91 00:03:38,418 --> 00:03:40,285 [ both grunting ] 92 00:03:40,287 --> 00:03:41,820 [ camera shutters clicking ] 93 00:03:41,822 --> 00:03:43,021 Watch the bangs! 94 00:03:43,023 --> 00:03:46,491 -That's it! You're both under arrest! 95 00:03:46,493 --> 00:03:48,026 [ handcuffs click ] 96 00:03:48,028 --> 00:03:49,762 [ siren wailing ] 97 00:03:49,764 --> 00:03:51,764 -Who wants to wrestle in jello 98 00:03:51,766 --> 00:03:54,299 As a tribute to the recently deceased?! 99 00:03:54,301 --> 00:03:56,701 [ cheering ] 100 00:03:56,703 --> 00:03:58,903 ♪♪ 101 00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:00,104 -Step forward. 102 00:04:00,106 --> 00:04:02,641 Baba and trophy fantasy felony coiffe. 103 00:04:02,643 --> 00:04:04,843 -She's the true offender, your honogram. 104 00:04:04,845 --> 00:04:08,313 These bangs make my face look like it's sandwiched 105 00:04:08,315 --> 00:04:09,648 Between two necks! 106 00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:11,516 Make her pay for what she's done! 107 00:04:11,518 --> 00:04:12,917 -It does look like your forehead's 108 00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:14,119 Trying to climb out a window. 109 00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:15,454 Mm, mm, mm. Proceed. 110 00:04:15,456 --> 00:04:16,789 -She's armed and dangerous, 111 00:04:16,791 --> 00:04:19,124 And what's more, she's undocumented! 112 00:04:19,126 --> 00:04:22,795 I'm her daughter, and I don't even know where she's from. 113 00:04:22,797 --> 00:04:25,798 -I have told you many times! Old country! 114 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:28,801 -Okay, grandma, your turn. -Sir. [ clears throat ] 115 00:04:28,803 --> 00:04:33,538 My ungrateful daughter request hair management service and baba 116 00:04:33,540 --> 00:04:36,341 Do cost-effective, timely job. 117 00:04:36,343 --> 00:04:38,543 I should get paycheck, not jail! 118 00:04:38,545 --> 00:04:40,078 -[ screams ] 119 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:43,015 [ both grunting ] 120 00:04:43,017 --> 00:04:44,616 -[ hisses ] 121 00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:46,618 -I think these are yours. -Lemme get this straight. 122 00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:49,221 You called the cops over a bad haircut? 123 00:04:49,223 --> 00:04:50,288 -Bang trim! -Bang trim! 124 00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:51,623 -Trophy, baba, 125 00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:53,558 Due to your penchant for drama and your ability 126 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:55,960 To read a bitch, I hereby sentence you both 127 00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:58,831 To be contestants on our new spring break tv show: 128 00:04:58,833 --> 00:05:00,098 "top felon." 129 00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:02,634 Hope you enjoy that bang, ladies! 130 00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:03,968 [ panicking ] 131 00:05:03,970 --> 00:05:07,372 Girl, I am freaking out without baba here. 132 00:05:07,374 --> 00:05:11,576 How do you stay so eerily calm? 133 00:05:11,578 --> 00:05:14,046 Annie? -It's easy, uncle pete. 134 00:05:14,048 --> 00:05:16,515 I just distance myself from my emotions. 135 00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:18,116 It's a self soothing technique I've been doing 136 00:05:18,118 --> 00:05:20,385 Since trophy abandoned me as a newborn. 137 00:05:20,387 --> 00:05:21,986 -I think your re-abandonment 138 00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:24,122 Has caused you to totally lock up. 139 00:05:24,124 --> 00:05:26,658 You have to embrace your feelings. 140 00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:30,395 Especially if they're painful! 141 00:05:30,397 --> 00:05:34,733 -I am feeling like I don't like you doing that. 142 00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:36,801 -Hmmm. I don't taste a thing. 143 00:05:36,803 --> 00:05:38,737 Annie, to fix this rigidity, 144 00:05:38,739 --> 00:05:42,340 You'll have to have a big emotional release. 145 00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:45,343 -But...I'm fine like this. 146 00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:46,611 -Whoopsie. 147 00:05:46,613 --> 00:05:48,213 Let me help you, annie. 148 00:05:48,215 --> 00:05:51,483 I happen to be a professional grief processor. 149 00:05:51,485 --> 00:05:52,951 Watch. -[ sobbing ] 150 00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:55,820 -Let's see what we're dealing with here. 151 00:05:55,822 --> 00:05:59,424 Acidic. Notes of fomo with a finish of self-pity. 152 00:05:59,426 --> 00:06:02,695 These are the tears of sorrow that you won't have access 153 00:06:02,697 --> 00:06:04,763 To kyle's beach house anymore. Huh? 154 00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:07,499 -His hot tub had a strobe light! 155 00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:12,036 I'm gonna miss it so much -- him, so much. 156 00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:14,973 It, him, it, him... 157 00:06:14,975 --> 00:06:16,641 It him it him it him! -Wow! 158 00:06:16,643 --> 00:06:18,376 How did you know that? 159 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:19,912 -Just a simple tear-tasting. 160 00:06:19,914 --> 00:06:23,381 I've expanded my empathy receptors and refined my palate 161 00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:26,919 To the point that I can detect exactly what someone's feeling. 162 00:06:26,921 --> 00:06:29,922 -Like a sommelier but for feelings. 163 00:06:29,924 --> 00:06:32,257 -When someone needs to cry, the brain first sends a signal 164 00:06:32,259 --> 00:06:35,127 To the tear scrotum, causing tears to brew. 165 00:06:35,129 --> 00:06:39,864 Next, the tears get steeped in emotion, forming their flavors. 166 00:06:39,866 --> 00:06:42,334 The most pungent feelings are set aside in reserve 167 00:06:42,336 --> 00:06:43,535 To be barrel-aged. 168 00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:46,204 These are known as "old wounds." 169 00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:49,408 But most tears get quickly eye-jaculated onto the face. 170 00:06:49,410 --> 00:06:53,077 I think if we can teach you to taste these simple feelings, 171 00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:56,281 It might help you begin to process your abandonment issues! 172 00:06:56,283 --> 00:06:59,551 -Then will I be able to experience human connection? 173 00:06:59,553 --> 00:07:02,287 And eventually maybe even play tennis? 174 00:07:02,289 --> 00:07:04,423 -Mmmm, baby steps. 175 00:07:04,425 --> 00:07:10,562 ♪♪ 176 00:07:10,564 --> 00:07:12,897 -And now let's bring out our host. 177 00:07:12,899 --> 00:07:14,366 You know him from his hit single 178 00:07:14,368 --> 00:07:17,302 "let me knock you up at sea world", old dirty 179 00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:20,372 Broward county himself, your big flori-daddy 180 00:07:20,374 --> 00:07:24,042 And the governor of the franchise territory of florida, 181 00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:26,311 Little flor-ida! 182 00:07:26,313 --> 00:07:29,848 -Awww shit, y'all, welcome to tf! 183 00:07:29,850 --> 00:07:31,450 The show where spring break's sexiest, 184 00:07:31,452 --> 00:07:34,653 Wildest lawbreakers compete for a chance to be pardoned! 185 00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:36,254 By who? By me! 186 00:07:36,256 --> 00:07:38,791 One lucky felon can get back to spring breaking. 187 00:07:38,793 --> 00:07:41,059 The rest will be sent to prison labor camps 188 00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:44,529 Stuffing them little cotton balls into bottles of medicine. 189 00:07:44,531 --> 00:07:48,467 Thanks to last year's losers, them hoes is still fresh. 190 00:07:48,469 --> 00:07:51,670 Now let's meet our felons! 191 00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:53,872 Meet daiquari! 192 00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:56,475 -I'm here to make bail, not to make friends. 193 00:07:56,477 --> 00:07:58,276 But I'm also open to making friends. 194 00:07:58,278 --> 00:07:59,878 Memories are important. 195 00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:01,946 -We got orange! 196 00:08:01,948 --> 00:08:05,550 -I'm juicy. And toxic to certain breeds of dogs. 197 00:08:05,552 --> 00:08:06,885 German shepherds... 198 00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:08,887 Yellow labs...And pugs. 199 00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:11,423 I killed a pug. She was so cute though. 200 00:08:11,425 --> 00:08:13,692 -Let's meet jacuzzi! 201 00:08:13,694 --> 00:08:16,961 -My parole officer said this is my last shot, 202 00:08:16,963 --> 00:08:19,264 So I'm not gonna waste it. 203 00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:21,266 [ retches ] 204 00:08:22,969 --> 00:08:25,037 -This hoe's not so fresh. 205 00:08:25,039 --> 00:08:26,238 Trophy! 206 00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:29,041 -I'm dead inside and out! 207 00:08:29,043 --> 00:08:32,644 -And finally, baba! -Need funeral? 208 00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:35,580 We can do tie-dye coffin, ombre coffin, glitter coffin... 209 00:08:35,582 --> 00:08:38,917 Get 20% off tender endings with discount code 210 00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:40,985 Trophy bad daughter. 211 00:08:40,987 --> 00:08:43,655 -Stay tuned as these ladies face off 212 00:08:43,657 --> 00:08:45,123 In their first challenge, 213 00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:47,926 Right after these trade school commercials! 214 00:08:49,864 --> 00:08:53,131 -We'll start with my basic tear collection. 215 00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:54,999 These are your most common flavors: 216 00:08:55,001 --> 00:08:57,936 Your "sads," your "afraids", your "alones." 217 00:08:57,938 --> 00:09:00,004 I keep my most valuable tears 218 00:09:00,006 --> 00:09:02,607 In a safe deposit box down at the bank. 219 00:09:02,609 --> 00:09:05,544 You can try those once you've gotten the hang of it. 220 00:09:05,546 --> 00:09:08,681 Here, try one and tell me what feeling you taste. 221 00:09:08,683 --> 00:09:10,883 -Where did you get these? 222 00:09:10,885 --> 00:09:12,617 -Luckily you can't taste that part. 223 00:09:12,619 --> 00:09:15,888 Go on, just tell me what the tear says to your tongue. 224 00:09:15,890 --> 00:09:18,557 There are no wrong answers. -Okay. 225 00:09:18,559 --> 00:09:20,024 Um. Pepper? 226 00:09:20,026 --> 00:09:22,160 -Pepper's not a feeling, sweetie. 227 00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:24,429 These are tears of a bride left at the altar. 228 00:09:24,431 --> 00:09:26,831 Just relax. Who do these belong to? 229 00:09:26,833 --> 00:09:29,568 -Um, a retiree? 230 00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:30,835 -A baby. -Oh, right. 231 00:09:30,837 --> 00:09:33,772 A baby...Who's hungry? -No! 232 00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:35,908 A baby who saw a balloon and now doesn't 233 00:09:35,910 --> 00:09:37,910 See a balloon and wonders where it went! 234 00:09:37,912 --> 00:09:40,044 "hungry"? Jesus christ. 235 00:09:40,046 --> 00:09:42,847 -Sorry. -Okay, alright, here. 236 00:09:42,849 --> 00:09:45,918 This one is impossible to get wrong. 237 00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:47,519 -You're right. I know this one! 238 00:09:47,521 --> 00:09:49,588 A kid who got bulled on their first day of school? 239 00:09:49,590 --> 00:09:51,123 -Are you kidding me?! 240 00:09:51,125 --> 00:09:54,326 It's a kid who got bullied on their last day of school 241 00:09:54,328 --> 00:09:58,330 After being really popular all year! 242 00:09:58,332 --> 00:10:02,134 What kind of freak are you to not get that! 243 00:10:02,136 --> 00:10:05,137 -Maybe I can't taste tears because I can't make them. 244 00:10:05,139 --> 00:10:07,005 Sometimes I think I'm going to cry, 245 00:10:07,007 --> 00:10:10,675 But then tiny salt cubes come out instead. 246 00:10:10,677 --> 00:10:12,344 -Huh. I guess you're that kind of freak. 247 00:10:12,346 --> 00:10:14,679 -My whole life I've only shed a single tear, 248 00:10:14,681 --> 00:10:16,749 And it was over mom's corpse, right before she got struck 249 00:10:16,751 --> 00:10:18,283 By lightning and reanimated. 250 00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:20,885 -Damn, that's one powerful tear. 251 00:10:20,887 --> 00:10:22,354 When you start weeping, we're gonna have 252 00:10:22,356 --> 00:10:25,090 A real downpour of distress on our hands. 253 00:10:25,092 --> 00:10:28,627 It might even turn into a heartache hurricane. 254 00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:31,163 Uh-huh, follow me! 255 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,367 [air horn blaring] 256 00:10:35,369 --> 00:10:37,169 -At least admit it's your fault we're in here, 257 00:10:37,171 --> 00:10:39,704 Then I can get back to a more sustainable level 258 00:10:39,706 --> 00:10:40,973 Of hatred for you. 259 00:10:40,975 --> 00:10:43,308 -Everyone in old country say, "oh, baba, 260 00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:46,445 You never go to labor camp, you good gymnast. 261 00:10:46,447 --> 00:10:50,115 Your body strong, you have good babies." 262 00:10:50,117 --> 00:10:53,318 But no! Turns out I have low-rent tacky baby 263 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,855 Who can't pull off high fashion haircut. 264 00:10:56,857 --> 00:10:58,991 -Felons! For challenge #1, 265 00:10:58,993 --> 00:11:01,259 You'll each need to climb your stripper pole 266 00:11:01,261 --> 00:11:02,594 Covered in baby oil, 267 00:11:02,596 --> 00:11:04,863 Grab the beach ball hanging from the top, 268 00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:06,331 And toss it into the kiddie pool 269 00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:08,867 Filled with robitussin and monster energy. 270 00:11:08,869 --> 00:11:11,269 -But watch out: As you make your way to the top, 271 00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:12,805 You'll need to avoid the drunk tourists 272 00:11:12,807 --> 00:11:14,206 Throwing handfuls of coins at you. 273 00:11:14,208 --> 00:11:15,940 -Listen to dj d.O.J., ladies! 274 00:11:15,942 --> 00:11:17,275 The nickels hurt the most. 275 00:11:17,277 --> 00:11:20,144 Now on your mark, get set, ho! 276 00:11:20,146 --> 00:11:21,914 [ air horn blares ] 277 00:11:23,150 --> 00:11:24,817 Oooh, it's a miss! 278 00:11:24,819 --> 00:11:26,452 Gonna have to try it again. 279 00:11:27,488 --> 00:11:28,753 [ screams ] 280 00:11:28,755 --> 00:11:31,023 -Death powers! 281 00:11:31,025 --> 00:11:34,893 -Um, I don't know who needs to hear this, 282 00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:37,830 But old girl's pole is a pile of bugs. 283 00:11:37,832 --> 00:11:40,499 -[ grunting ] 284 00:11:40,501 --> 00:11:44,302 -Climbing fast for single mother with bad haircut! 285 00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:49,508 -Ahh! My bangs look like a scarecrow made of dog fur! 286 00:11:49,510 --> 00:11:51,510 [ screams ] 287 00:11:51,512 --> 00:11:53,578 -[ grunts ] 288 00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:55,447 [ air horn blares ] 289 00:11:55,449 --> 00:11:58,583 -Baba! That floppy chest is prehensile! 290 00:11:58,585 --> 00:12:01,653 Tell us how you did it! -Lots of sauerkraut. 291 00:12:01,655 --> 00:12:03,455 Fermentation is fitness. 292 00:12:03,457 --> 00:12:05,157 [ grunting ] 293 00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:09,327 -Now, I'm going to show you some familiar items 294 00:12:09,329 --> 00:12:13,131 That should produce a strong emotional response. 295 00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:14,599 -Flopsie the bear! 296 00:12:14,601 --> 00:12:17,469 Trophy left her in my crib when she abandoned me. 297 00:12:17,471 --> 00:12:18,937 -Right. 298 00:12:18,939 --> 00:12:22,607 But what if I told you that baba and I actually won this 299 00:12:22,609 --> 00:12:24,877 At a claw machine outside of a hockey rink 300 00:12:24,879 --> 00:12:27,412 And made up that story about trophy? 301 00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:30,148 -I'd -- I'd be completely fine with that. 302 00:12:30,150 --> 00:12:33,085 -Interesting. No tears or moisture build-up. 303 00:12:33,087 --> 00:12:35,487 Okay, how about this? 304 00:12:35,489 --> 00:12:38,156 -That's the tiara baba won at the "most stern woman" 305 00:12:38,158 --> 00:12:39,892 Contest from the old country. 306 00:12:39,894 --> 00:12:42,561 She passed it down to me. -Exactly. 307 00:12:42,563 --> 00:12:46,899 But what if I told you baba and I actually won this 308 00:12:46,901 --> 00:12:48,901 At a claw machine outside a hockey rink? 309 00:12:48,903 --> 00:12:52,571 And that baba would never part with her real prized tiara 310 00:12:52,573 --> 00:12:56,508 That she hasn't even let me see except in photographs? 311 00:12:56,510 --> 00:12:57,376 -Totally fine. 312 00:12:57,378 --> 00:12:59,511 Totally fine. -Hmm. 313 00:12:59,513 --> 00:13:02,581 Okay, here's a video from your tenth birthday party. 314 00:13:02,583 --> 00:13:04,583 ♪♪ 315 00:13:04,585 --> 00:13:08,186 Cry, cry, cry, cry, cry, cry! 316 00:13:08,188 --> 00:13:10,855 Aw. What are you doing? 317 00:13:10,857 --> 00:13:13,592 -The school therapist calls it turtle-ing? 318 00:13:13,594 --> 00:13:15,527 They're still looking for a cure. 319 00:13:15,529 --> 00:13:18,130 -The cure is crying, annie! 320 00:13:18,132 --> 00:13:20,332 I know what'll get those peeper pipes flowin': 321 00:13:20,334 --> 00:13:22,935 Let's take a tear-school field trip! 322 00:13:24,538 --> 00:13:26,138 -Over the break, each of our felons 323 00:13:26,140 --> 00:13:27,672 Chugged enough malt liquor 324 00:13:27,674 --> 00:13:31,476 To get their blood alcohol level over .15. 325 00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,946 Now they've gotta talk their way out of a dui. 326 00:13:33,948 --> 00:13:36,214 I wanna see that. You wanna see that? 327 00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:39,017 Let's go! [ siren wails ] 328 00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:40,419 -Hi, officer. 329 00:13:40,421 --> 00:13:42,287 I guess I didn't notice I was speeding cause 330 00:13:42,289 --> 00:13:45,958 I can't see the odometer over these big boobies! 331 00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:47,826 Do you see them? 332 00:13:47,828 --> 00:13:50,495 [ ding! ] 333 00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:51,830 -Mr. Officer, could you put 334 00:13:51,832 --> 00:13:53,165 A little something at the end of the line? 335 00:13:53,167 --> 00:13:55,167 I tend to be pretty goal-oriented. 336 00:13:55,169 --> 00:13:57,302 -Uh, sure. Here. 337 00:13:57,304 --> 00:13:59,037 -Ooh, I love keys! 338 00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:00,639 That's super helpful. 339 00:14:00,641 --> 00:14:02,707 [ ding! ] 340 00:14:02,709 --> 00:14:06,111 -You know what really makes me puke, officer? 341 00:14:06,113 --> 00:14:07,512 People who drink and drive. 342 00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:09,715 Just the thought of them really makes me... 343 00:14:12,453 --> 00:14:14,386 [ buzzer, siren wails ] 344 00:14:14,388 --> 00:14:16,521 -Do you know why I pulled you over today, ma'am? 345 00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:19,324 -No. Baba excellent driver. 346 00:14:19,326 --> 00:14:20,659 -Then you won't mind trying to say 347 00:14:20,661 --> 00:14:22,194 The alphabet backwards for me? 348 00:14:22,196 --> 00:14:23,261 -Not problem. 349 00:14:23,263 --> 00:14:25,664 Z. Y. 350 00:14:25,666 --> 00:14:28,000 -And then what? -Puerto rico? 351 00:14:28,002 --> 00:14:30,002 -Alright, you're under arrest, baba. 352 00:14:30,004 --> 00:14:31,804 [ buzzer, siren wails ] 353 00:14:31,806 --> 00:14:34,473 -This is all your fault, just like my inability 354 00:14:34,475 --> 00:14:36,141 To tolerate intimacy! 355 00:14:36,143 --> 00:14:39,277 -Baba's conscience is like forehead: Clear! 356 00:14:39,279 --> 00:14:41,013 -Two down, two to go. 357 00:14:41,015 --> 00:14:44,349 Stay tuned for our speed round, where our final contestants 358 00:14:44,351 --> 00:14:47,952 Take amphetamines and fold pizza boxes! 359 00:14:47,954 --> 00:14:49,354 [ ducks quacking ] 360 00:14:49,356 --> 00:14:50,889 -I can't swim either uncle pete. 361 00:14:50,891 --> 00:14:53,358 Trophy said she'd teach me once scientists develop 362 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:55,360 A bathing suit that flatters my body type. 363 00:14:55,362 --> 00:14:57,896 -Someday, annie. But stay focused. 364 00:14:57,898 --> 00:15:02,367 Whenever I really need a good cry, I come here. 365 00:15:02,369 --> 00:15:04,503 -Aw. A duck funeral. 366 00:15:04,505 --> 00:15:06,438 That is sad. -Not that, annie. 367 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:08,306 Ducks die like everyone else. 368 00:15:08,308 --> 00:15:10,775 Get used to it! Look over there. 369 00:15:10,777 --> 00:15:14,246 That duck is the one in charge of arranging the funeral, 370 00:15:14,248 --> 00:15:16,381 And his mother is telling him... 371 00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:18,450 What a good job he did. 372 00:15:18,452 --> 00:15:21,453 [ sobbing ] -I understand. 373 00:15:21,455 --> 00:15:24,656 That makes you sad because you wish baba praised you more. 374 00:15:24,658 --> 00:15:26,591 -What? No, annie! 375 00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:30,328 It makes me sad because I've always wanted a corkscrew penis! 376 00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:32,997 How do you keep missing the point so badly! 377 00:15:32,999 --> 00:15:35,467 -I told you I'm a lost cause. [ ducks quacking ] 378 00:15:35,469 --> 00:15:37,936 Thanks for showing me this world of ducks, though. 379 00:15:37,938 --> 00:15:41,273 -[ sighs ] I was hoping I wouldn't need to resort to this, 380 00:15:41,275 --> 00:15:43,676 But you have left me no choice. 381 00:15:43,678 --> 00:15:45,210 Back in the hearse! 382 00:15:45,212 --> 00:15:50,082 ♪♪ 383 00:15:50,084 --> 00:15:51,683 -[ grunts ] [ whistle blows ] 384 00:15:51,685 --> 00:15:53,485 -Cotton balls down, ladies! 385 00:15:53,487 --> 00:15:56,020 Please take your spots in the share circle. 386 00:15:56,022 --> 00:15:57,756 It's time for court ordered group therapy 387 00:15:57,758 --> 00:16:00,959 With our new vacuum slash facilitator, elizabeth. 388 00:16:00,961 --> 00:16:03,896 -Okay, focus, everyone, focus. 389 00:16:03,898 --> 00:16:08,967 Today I want to talk about why you're all here. 390 00:16:08,969 --> 00:16:10,435 -I am here because of her. 391 00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:13,238 She gave me these bangs to ruin my spring break, 392 00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:15,640 My life and my face. 393 00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:18,777 She made me look like a hamburger without a bun. 394 00:16:18,779 --> 00:16:21,980 You missed a spot. -Girl, I can relate to that. 395 00:16:21,982 --> 00:16:23,315 The bad bang trim my mom 396 00:16:23,317 --> 00:16:25,383 Gave me put my self-esteem in the toilet. 397 00:16:25,385 --> 00:16:27,786 And that led to drug use, prostitution, 398 00:16:27,788 --> 00:16:30,722 And becoming an op-ed writer for the washington post. 399 00:16:30,724 --> 00:16:33,658 -Yeah, I was a prep-school honors student 400 00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:35,727 Until my step-mom cut my bangs the night 401 00:16:35,729 --> 00:16:37,462 Before my princeton interview. 402 00:16:37,464 --> 00:16:42,200 After that rejection, I figured, why not inject meth? 403 00:16:42,202 --> 00:16:44,403 -My old boss grabbed a pair of scissors 404 00:16:44,405 --> 00:16:45,870 When I was strangling her. 405 00:16:45,872 --> 00:16:49,074 I thought she was going to stab me in self-defense, 406 00:16:49,076 --> 00:16:51,876 But instead...She did this. 407 00:16:51,878 --> 00:16:54,279 It would've been kinder to kill me. 408 00:16:54,281 --> 00:17:00,084 -Baba, how do you feel hearing everyone play the blame game? 409 00:17:00,086 --> 00:17:02,154 -Hm? [ sighs ] 410 00:17:02,156 --> 00:17:08,026 One harsh winter when I little girl, it was big day. 411 00:17:08,028 --> 00:17:13,632 Papa finally come home after 10 year in labor camp. 412 00:17:13,634 --> 00:17:16,501 Baba want to look special so I beg 413 00:17:16,503 --> 00:17:18,971 Momushka for cute bangs. 414 00:17:18,973 --> 00:17:22,040 She not want to, but I insist. 415 00:17:22,042 --> 00:17:24,309 When papa come home... 416 00:17:24,311 --> 00:17:26,511 -[ groans ] 417 00:17:26,513 --> 00:17:29,848 -...He take one look at me... 418 00:17:29,850 --> 00:17:30,915 -[ screams ] 419 00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:32,317 -...And flee. 420 00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:36,588 I never see my papa again. 421 00:17:36,590 --> 00:17:38,923 -I feel that. -It's so sad. 422 00:17:38,925 --> 00:17:40,125 -It's so relatable. 423 00:17:40,127 --> 00:17:41,393 -My mother also whore. 424 00:17:41,395 --> 00:17:42,861 May have been that. 425 00:17:42,863 --> 00:17:46,465 -Yes, this cycle of intergenerational trauma 426 00:17:46,467 --> 00:17:48,066 And all its manifestation -- 427 00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:51,804 Chunky bangs, piecey bangs, feathery bangs -- 428 00:17:51,806 --> 00:17:55,607 Can only stop when we begin taking responsibility 429 00:17:55,609 --> 00:17:58,477 For our own bad hair choices! 430 00:17:58,479 --> 00:18:00,745 -You heard her. It's all your fault. 431 00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:02,815 -But you still pretty to me. 432 00:18:02,817 --> 00:18:05,150 Hair grow back in time, like your forgiveness. 433 00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:10,154 -Well, I hear baba seeking to repair your connection, trophy. 434 00:18:10,156 --> 00:18:13,826 Can you name something about baba that you appreciate? 435 00:18:13,828 --> 00:18:17,696 -Well, she has taught me a lot about how to deflect blame. 436 00:18:17,698 --> 00:18:19,364 And that's -- that's come in handy. 437 00:18:19,366 --> 00:18:21,166 -My stubborn girl. 438 00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:22,701 -Mama! [ sobbing ] 439 00:18:22,703 --> 00:18:25,637 -This my daughter! 440 00:18:25,639 --> 00:18:28,507 -Well, that is lovely. 441 00:18:28,509 --> 00:18:31,109 End session 21942. 442 00:18:31,111 --> 00:18:33,912 ♪♪ 443 00:18:33,914 --> 00:18:35,580 -Annie, welcome to tear club. 444 00:18:35,582 --> 00:18:37,449 No one gets out dry. 445 00:18:37,451 --> 00:18:39,384 Meet sad sal and weepy willy. 446 00:18:39,386 --> 00:18:41,520 They're what's known as ultra-criers. 447 00:18:41,522 --> 00:18:44,189 They specialize in tear stimulation. 448 00:18:44,191 --> 00:18:45,524 -Nice to meet you. 449 00:18:45,526 --> 00:18:48,193 -Wah. -Wah wah. 450 00:18:48,195 --> 00:18:52,597 -See, the boys here, they're gonna prime my deep-down tears. 451 00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:54,733 One taste of this emotional concentrate 452 00:18:54,735 --> 00:18:58,070 Will either bust open your floodgates or kill us all. 453 00:18:58,072 --> 00:19:00,004 Pump me! -[ grunting ] 454 00:19:00,006 --> 00:19:01,674 -[ sobbing ] 455 00:19:01,676 --> 00:19:05,544 ♪♪ 456 00:19:05,546 --> 00:19:07,546 Here it comes, annie! 457 00:19:07,548 --> 00:19:09,614 -I hope you know how to swim! 458 00:19:09,616 --> 00:19:11,750 -Huh. -Oh, no! 459 00:19:11,752 --> 00:19:14,419 Can you taste it annie?! Can you taste it annie?! 460 00:19:14,421 --> 00:19:16,154 -Oh, my gosh. 461 00:19:16,156 --> 00:19:18,090 I can taste your pain! 462 00:19:18,092 --> 00:19:20,092 Your first day of school, when you realized 463 00:19:20,094 --> 00:19:22,160 Baba wouldn't be your teacher! 464 00:19:22,162 --> 00:19:26,831 That time at mortician college when baba stood you up for prom! 465 00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:29,368 That christmas when baba didn't buy presents, 466 00:19:29,370 --> 00:19:33,972 So you pretended you'd asked santa for a niece named annie. 467 00:19:33,974 --> 00:19:36,641 [ machine beeping ] 468 00:19:36,643 --> 00:19:38,777 -Do you feel anything yet? 469 00:19:38,779 --> 00:19:41,646 -I don't think so. 470 00:19:41,648 --> 00:19:45,717 Wait. W-w-what's going on? 471 00:19:45,719 --> 00:19:48,253 What's happening to me? -Stand back! 472 00:19:48,255 --> 00:19:51,924 -She's about to eye-jaculate for the very first time! 473 00:19:51,926 --> 00:19:53,258 -Help! Help! 474 00:19:53,260 --> 00:19:56,861 -Well, hey, new mommy. 475 00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:59,664 Says here you named her euthanasia. 476 00:19:59,666 --> 00:20:02,801 Is that correct? -Uh, yeah. 477 00:20:02,803 --> 00:20:06,071 Because she makes me want to put myself out of my misery! 478 00:20:06,073 --> 00:20:09,742 Can I get some more painkillers? -[ sobs ] 479 00:20:09,744 --> 00:20:12,677 -Why don't I get a bottle filled with milk?! 480 00:20:12,679 --> 00:20:16,415 Why does annie get everything she wants?! 481 00:20:16,417 --> 00:20:19,618 -There, everybody happy. -Ah, help! 482 00:20:19,620 --> 00:20:22,020 Before I was the girl with a runaway mom, 483 00:20:22,022 --> 00:20:24,823 But now I'm gonna be the girl with the dead runaway mom! 484 00:20:24,825 --> 00:20:26,959 I wish you never came back! 485 00:20:26,961 --> 00:20:29,361 ♪♪ 486 00:20:29,363 --> 00:20:31,430 -[ screaming ] -watch out! 487 00:20:31,432 --> 00:20:33,298 -Salty! 488 00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:35,033 -It burns! 489 00:20:35,035 --> 00:20:37,702 -[ sobbing ] 490 00:20:37,704 --> 00:20:39,972 [ all screaming ] 491 00:20:39,974 --> 00:20:46,511 ♪♪ 492 00:20:46,513 --> 00:20:48,913 [ sobbing stops ] 493 00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:49,982 Oh. 494 00:20:49,984 --> 00:20:54,452 I feel, I feel so -- so... 495 00:20:54,454 --> 00:20:56,054 Thirsty. 496 00:20:56,056 --> 00:20:59,057 Hey, I can cry! 497 00:20:59,059 --> 00:21:02,126 And fully swivel my rotator cuff! 498 00:21:02,128 --> 00:21:04,596 Thanks, uncle pete! You fixed me! 499 00:21:04,598 --> 00:21:08,400 -Annie, the force of your sorrow is too powerful. 500 00:21:08,402 --> 00:21:09,868 I never thought I'd say this, 501 00:21:09,870 --> 00:21:11,936 But maybe when it comes to crying, 502 00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:15,073 Just because you can doesn't mean you should. 503 00:21:15,075 --> 00:21:18,142 -Kinda like how they brought back the dinosaurs 504 00:21:18,144 --> 00:21:19,344 In jurassic park. 505 00:21:19,346 --> 00:21:21,680 -Never again! 506 00:21:21,682 --> 00:21:24,082 Never! Cry! Again! Little girl. 507 00:21:24,084 --> 00:21:25,083 [ door slams ] 508 00:21:25,085 --> 00:21:26,885 -He's right, annie. -Of course. 509 00:21:26,887 --> 00:21:30,622 Haha. It was silly of me to take up space with my emotions. 510 00:21:30,624 --> 00:21:33,158 -Yeah, and pretty messy, too! 511 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:35,560 Now, since, baba and trophy don't get out of jail 512 00:21:35,562 --> 00:21:39,964 For another week, who's down for a half-price slide and slip? 513 00:21:39,966 --> 00:21:42,300 -Over here. [ should creaks ] 514 00:21:42,302 --> 00:21:44,102 But I might need a push. 515 00:21:44,104 --> 00:21:46,705 -♪ you say you cut your bangs ♪ 516 00:21:46,707 --> 00:21:49,774 ♪ I'm calling your bluff ♪ 517 00:21:49,776 --> 00:21:54,847 ♪ when you lie to me, it's in the small stuff ♪ 518 00:21:54,849 --> 00:21:57,782 ♪ you say you cut your bangs ♪ 519 00:21:57,784 --> 00:22:00,252 ♪ I'm calling your bluff ♪ 520 00:22:00,254 --> 00:22:05,157 ♪ when you lie to me, it's in the small stuff ♪