♪♪
-Attention Edu-Mart educators.
Due to recent legislation,
please review the newly banned word list and note
Fajitas must now be pronounced Faj-eetas.
-[ Groans ] -What?
-Additionally, your health plan
will no longer cover cult extraction or SSRIs.
-No! No! -What?!
-Uh, I'm not sure you can still call what we do teaching.
[ Screams ] At least we still get free chips
at lunch though, right?
-Free chips have also been defunded.
-Oh my what?! -That is it!
-We can do that?
-Fellow Halo-Educators!
It's time we fight back against these inhumane
working conditions! -That's right!
-No more high- voltage compliance shock collars!
-No more being paid in coupons!
-No more raisins in the vending machine!
[ Workers chanting "Strike!" ]
-[ Crying ]
-♪ I'm not as crazy as I used to be ♪
♪ Some of my devils up and left me free to find a quiet space ♪
♪ I'm not as out of place ♪
♪ And I'm coming home again ♪
♪ It's been too long a time gettin' back what's mine ♪
♪ And I can't remember why I went away ♪
♪ But it's lookin' now like maybe I can stay ♪
Was that any good?
-[ Grunts ] [ Tires squeal ]
-Why are you stopping? -Come on.
-Hey, Officer Monotonee! I got three more!
-Hands behind your back. -Huh?
-Ouch. -You are all hereby conscripted
by the Fort Gator Department of Education.
-You're taking us to jail?
-No. High School.
You're teachers now.
-High school? Take us to jail!
-Alright, scumbags, squeeze in there
with the rest of the parents and legal guardians.
-I'm gonna make a run for it.
Ha-ha! Viva La --
Uggghhh!
-Here; have an apple, teach.
It'll stop you from swallowing your tongue.
-[ Groans ]
[ Bell ringing ]
-Hey, kids! Meet your new sex ed teacher!
-[ Grunts ] -Mom?
-Fine, let's just get this over with.
Which also happens to be a very essential sex skill.
So, gals, what do they teach here?
Abstinence only?
Abstinence with butt stuff?
I can do a unit on the "Catholic Pass,"
but I'm also not trying to mess with any secular mandates.
-Thankfully, you don't really have to teach.
It's a video curriculum.
[ Chime plays ]
-[ Laughs ] Look at those sex nerds.
I bet they haven't even had sex yet.
-Yea. I bet they don't even know how amazing sex can be
between two consenting adults in a monogamous relationship.
-What? We totally made sex.
Right? -Yeah.
I read about sex in the newspaper
and then we did it.
-Prove it, sex nerd! -Freeze!
Hi, I'm a doctor.
And what you're seeing is a medical thing
called Sex Pressure.
In fact, the urge to have sex
can always be traced back
to bullying, whether it's from peers or hormones.
Sex is dangerous and can sometimes be fatal.
-Did somebody ask for Herpes?
Fun fact! There's over one hundred strains of HPV.
Now guess how many of 'em can live on your tongue ring?
-What a boner killer.
Sounds like this class was designed to scare you
into forgetting sex can occasionally feel good.
They at least taught you the basics, right?
-Ah, no, they didn't. -What are the basics?
-No, no, no. -I wish.
-Well, I'm your teacher now.
Ask me any anything.
-How do you sixty-nine?
-Don't. It's like a working vacation.
Next. -Can I leave?
I'm asexual.
-Me too, could take it or leave it,
unless there's something in it for me financially!
Stick around, toots. Yea.
-If God's watching me even when I masturbate,
should I report God to the police?
-Are you still a virgin if you've had sex in the Metaverse?
-Do you really need a permission slip to go to second base?
-Who is Jim Carrey? -Guys.
I feel like we're really getting off topic here.
How about a little more ED and a little less S.E.X.?
-Booo! -But, Annie, your mommy
is like the Dalai Lama of doing it.
-I am, aren't I?
Now, for tonight's homework,
I want each of you to answer the question
"what makes me horny"?
And if it's a video, don't forget to tag me.
[ Laughter ]
Now, anyone got a banana on them?
For the rest of the period
I can show you how to give head
while eating a banana at the same time.
Pay attention, Annie.
There will be a quiz on this.
[ Tires squeal, horn honks ]
-You're not teaching me to drive;
you're just making me run your errands!
We already dropped off cremains
and took your bras to be tailored.
-Are you not driving?
-At least tell me what these signs mean!
-They all mean go faster.
-Ahhhhhhhhh! [ Engine revving ]
[ People screaming ]
[ Retches ]
-Hey, hat boy!
You up.
-As Jean Luc-Godard once said, "No can do."
I'm actually writing my memoir as a post-fiction narrative
about the trauma driving --
-Publishing dead, kid.
Baba got big home and garden run to do.
Get in. -Oh, no.
-[ Grunts ]
-Coach said that I can have three more concussions
before I'm too dangerous to drive!
Um, quick question, the little pedal stop or go?
[ Tires squeal ]
-Your beret's angled real hot today, Phineas.
-Uh, the technical term is askew.
Shouldn't you be braiding something?
-Oh.
[ Handcuffs click ]
-No fair! That's got to be something.
-I guess he could teach 4H?
-We were gonna release the animals
on the expressway and cancel it,
but this is easier.
-♪ Three, two, one ♪
♪ Life is boring ♪
♪ But so is death ♪
♪ My parents got arrested ♪
♪ For crystal meth ♪
♪ They got their issues ♪
♪ It's not my fault ♪
-Ahem, excuse me. Hello, teens.
I'm your new teacher, Mr. Fantasy.
My pronouns are, as our friend the donkey might say, hee/him.
-How marvelous...
Yeah, Mr. Anderson lets us practice in here.
-A one, two, three, four --
-Hold up, students!
This is the new 4H.
Now, I'm not 100% sure what the H's stand for,
but one could stand for horse.
Another for hog!
-Okay.
-Hog is just a less fancy word for pig.
-What's a pig?
-Really? And the work begins!
Where are you guys from anyways?
-Connecticut. -Of course.
New England.
Okay, now this is a pig.
-Teach? That's a cow, innit?
-I'll talk slower!
This cow!
It's like a pig, only its milk is not as sweet.
-And that's a sexy cow.
You can tell by the hair.
-I don't disagree, but we call sexy cows horses.
-Wait. I thought you said that was a horse.
Clarity! Come on, man!
-Mate, are you sure you're qualified to teach this class?
-Wait. Is that a horse?
-We are, Conceived in Orlando!
-A one, two, three, four!
♪♪
-Annie, why aren't you masturbating?
Quit goofing around and go do your homework!
-Look, Baba already taught me everything I need to know.
-Oh, I got that same lesson:
pleasure is for the weak
and how to make lube from goat's milk.
-Baba knows so much about sexuality and farm animals.
We're all very lucky.
-See? I'm solid.
Can't you just look the other way and give me a good grade?
-Sorry, Annie. If anything I have to be
extra hard on you so the other kids won't think
I'm playing favorites!
-What if I want you to play favorites?
-Even if I did, you wouldn't be one of them!
But if it helps, I posted a link
to some of my more "vanilla sexual fantasies"
on Google classroom as a prompt
for remedial students like yourself.
-You could get fired for that you know.
-They don't fire teachers, Annie.
-[ Grunts ]
[ Tires squeal ]
-Huh. I guess Baba got drivers Ed.
It's really the lesser of the Eds.
-What this?
Keep dinner suggestions to self.
Unless you cooking.
-No, Baba. I'm prepping for my class.
I didn't expect the material to be so challenging!
Or the kids.
-I have problem student, too.
Arrogant youth in ironic hat who refuse to drive.
-At least one of us is thriving.
Sex ed is my calling. -[ Scoffs ]
In my day, sex ed was welding own chastity belt
from copper kettle.
[ Copper dings ]
-So I thought I was watching a [quietly] porno,
[normal voice] but it turns out I was watching a
[quietly] video of someone making pasta really slowly.
That said, it got me there. Is that okay?
-Sure. I'm not anti-pasta. Find your pleasure.
And finally let's hope my daughter
found something that made her clam cramp!
Annie. -I'd rather not.
-Do it!
-Ahh, I've been thinking
I'd like being kissed...
on the forehead?
-[ Imitates buzzer] Poor thing.
Never had a grandpa.
Annie, since you're prudishness is dulling down the class,
I've arranged for you to get some extra help.
Meryl!
-Ayyp! -Is -- I...
Are you my tutor?
-[ Chuckles ] You're not ready for what I gotta teach, kid.
Your bus is here. -Bus to where?
Please don't send me to sex jail!
-If I had a ticket to sex jail
I sure wouldn't waste it on you!
Let's go. [ Children gasping ]
Okay, class.
Here's a little game I made
when I was bored a while back.
I'm very proud it gets to be used
for education purposes.
-Do it!
-Uh...
Sure, sure, sure.
-What wrong? -[ Grunts ]
-You think car have feelings.
Driving no hurt them. They like it!
-It's complicated.
-Okay, Baba drive. [ Tires squeal ]
You not like other Gator boys.
Why you even take car class if you no want to be driver?
-You see, I've been accepted to the Sorbonne.
Alas, the one thing standing in my way
is passing driver's education.
But I hate cars.
And this town and everyone in it.
-Ahhh. Hatred can be thing that drive you.
Or car can? -Ha!
What know you of hatred?
-Baba know what it is to despise where you born.
I flee Old Country with dream of better life.
Here I find sunshine, no income tax,
jellybean that taste bad on purpose,
and population dying at rapid pace.
My dream come true.
For you it France.
Where they wear hat that no block sun.
-Ah, finally. Somebody around here who gets me.
Please tell me, why am I so afraid of automobiles?
-Car is not to fear.
This is to fear. [ Gunshot ]
Now put hand on wheel like it frail woman's shoulder.
[ Steering wheel clicks ]
♪♪
-A car so nice they sold it twice!
Honk if you love capitalism! [ Horn honks ]
-I can't do it! Please drive me home.
-Sure. Baby step.
Next time, we go farther.
With driving!
♪♪
-Howdy 4H'ers!
So today's topic: Farm Animals --
they have tails, we don't.
How come they get to have all the fun?
[ Gasps ] -Bleeding hell!
Someone's written on the side of that dog.
-It couldn't have been us. We're conformists.
-This is the most effed up version
of "Charlotte's Web" I've ever seen.
Who is the animal that's responsible?
-We're all animals.
Mr. Anderson taught us that.
Maybe the horse did it to himself? Ay?
-And how would a pig know what anarchy means?
-Do you know what anarchy means, sir?
-It sounds like a delicious Peruvian soup!
Lemme see. [ Watch beeps ]
"A state of disorder due to absence of authority."
Okay. I see what's going on!
I was gonna give you all fun animal joke ice pops
that reveal a punchline when you eat 'em.
But not anymore!
-[ Laughs ] What a doughnut!
-You think you want chaos?
-Chill! Alright!
You think you can handle lawless disorder?
What's that tough guy?! Say it again!
-Oops. [ Cymbal chimes ]
That's the bell, Mr. Fantasy.
Little request. Can we do ducks tomorrow?
-Bye, teach!
[ Cow moos ]
-I am so sorry you all had to see that.
Especially you. [ Pig snorts ]
[ Woman moans ]
-[ Gasps ] -Welcome to Erica's
Erotica Emporium,
You must be Annie!
Trophy told me all about those
budding little potato titties
and asked if I'd tutor you between customers.
Why don't you price these tentacle dildos
while we sex rap.
So, what's your deal? You confused?
Questioning? Catholic?
-I'd say interested,
but my mother is a sex bully.
And I don't want to talk with her about my romantic life.
-Alright, Prudy Judy.
I've got just the thing. -Ah.
-This new AI stimulator is like the Harry Potter
sorting hat of turn-ons.
Its algorithms are going to figure you out in no time.
Just go behind the curtain and try to relax.
-[ Gasps ] -Don't worry, honey,
you can keep your clothes on if you want.
♪♪
-Welcome, Annie Fantasy.
Think of me as your AI big sister.
I'm here to detect what turns you on.
-Let me stop you right there.
It's just, between my mother becoming my sex ed teacher
and trying to fail me,
and Erica's terrifying sex toys --
-Erica. Coming right up.
-Oh, no. -Hey, little lady.
Hear you need some help adjusting your diaphragm?
-Ah! This VR is worse than Regular R!
Where can a girl go to get away from sex-positive older women?
-Wow. Big house.
-This tacky monstrosity is what I must call home.
You see why I'm suffocating here?
-I don't know, Baba think it understated and stylish.
-So, did my stupid son finally get his license or what?
-Ivan! I see now. Your father Car Tzar.
Not yet, your majesty. Boy still learning.
Not ready. Intimidated. -Listen, grandma.
I bought junior here a sports car in every color and flavor.
They just sit here waiting for him.
This can be all his if he grows some hair on his chest
and passes that road test!
Capeesh? -If you love cars so much,
you should've married a car and had a car son.
Then maybe mom wouldn't have thrown herself off the roof.
I hate you! Ah!
-Ooooh, looks like someone's been eating at
OutBRAT Steakhouse and making his daddy pay the bill.
Ain't that right, junior? -Tzar, sir.
Even child who run off as big disappointment
will come back to family business eventually.
Trust me.
[ Tires squeal ]
Like Franz Kafka and Britney Spears,
you will use hate for father to overcome fear.
[ Steering wheel clicks ]
[ Laughs ]
[ Tires squeal ]
-A lot of people live full lives without "sexual pleasure" right?
Nuns, neutered dogs,
Peter Pan, women...
-No sex talk or loitering.
Either browse or get a boyfriend, kid.
-Oh, wow. [ Coughs ]
-Beautiful globe, huh? -I mean, I like it.
Not sure I'm sexually attracted to it or anything.
-I think you're in the wrong store, young lady.
You must be looking for Erica. -No!
It's just, I'm under a lot of pressure to talk
about what makes me [whispers] horny.
You know, for school.
-Sounds like a bad school. -Yeah...
Mind if I keep looking around till the bus comes back?
I love your shop.
Platonically that is.
-If you are trying to control your carnal urges,
the Victorians did it best!
Back then even these table legs were considered
too sexually explicit.
Pretty kinky, huh?
I have the largest collection of Victorian Era
erotica in Fort Gator, take your time.
-Wait, Mr. Kim! Who's this?
-You never heard of Pantomime Pip?
He was a teen heart throb of the Gilded Age.
His meekness made the girls swoon.
-Annie? -Joey?
[ Gasps ] Mr. Kim, he looks just like a boy I loved
and never thought I'd see again
because my mother threw him down a trash shoot.
-Huh?
-I realized who I love,
and what I want to do with him!
Thanks, Mr. Kim!
-Another future female leader jacking off in my bathroom.
It's why I got into this business in the first place.
-Look! Baba, I'm parking a parallel!
Oh, thank you so much for believing in me!
-Hatred can make boy do as many crazy things as love.
-Baba, have you ever been in love?
-Ah, who knows.
-Mm!
-Oh, boy. -I'm sorry, Baba.
By leaning into my hatred, I've unlocked my potential.
It's like I don't know whether to go punch my dad in the face
or paint a portrait of you.
May I? -Paint good side.
-Oh, Baba, come to Paris with me.
We'll leave right after I pass my road test tomorrow.
We can abhor stuff together, en francais.
-You go study art? -I dunno.
I might create something pastry adjacent?
Or start a new crypto currency
or make pop-up ads for big pharma?
I need a muse!
-Just find student you hate most
and be better than them at what they love.
Let revenge fuel success.
-Like gas fuels a car.
Uh, you are so wise and so droopy.
Come with me. -Hmm.
[ Rock music playing ]
♪♪
-I bet you thought I was too chicken to show up.
[ Chicken clucks ]
Just so you know, I mean chicken in a good way,
because I love chickens!
I am the chicken teacher this school has ever seen!
[ Laughter ]
[ Gasps ] Wait, Big Mac?
Is that Capitalism? Irony? Monarchist? What!
-More like semiotics I'm afraid.
-That poor horse!
-I thought you said that was a sheep.
You plunker!
-Did I?
[ Laughter ]
-What a muppet! -Bro, we were
just messing with you.
Stop being so silly.
Jesus. Is that a padlock?
-Yo, crapnecks!
Today's lesson is on GOATs,
As in, the greatest of all time.
And that's me, bro.
And do you know what you feed goats?
Respect.
R.E.S.P.C.TECT.
[ Horse whinnies ]
[ Grunts ]
-Oh! Blimey.
-Why do that sheep hate teach?
-That poor, dumb man.
-So, Shelly, if I was DTF,
what should I text back to your father's buddy...
Annie. [ Door opens ]
Welcome back.
Let's hope she finally found something
to give her a UTI,
the cool way! Right girls?
-I did find something that made my mini Annie go awwwww.
And I also realized it's best not to tell you who
or what I'm into because you'll ruin it.
That's my business.
Which is thriving, by the way.
-Hell yeah, Annie, we love to see
a woman-owned business succeed!
[ Fingers snapping ]
-Stop being a prude, Annie!
Tell me or you fail the class.
-Then I'll fail.
Seems I'm also turned on by integrity!
-Hey kids, I'm back!
After many rounds of negotiations,
management said if we didn't "agree to their demands"
we'd actually have to come back to teach IRL.
So strikes over!
-But I've finally found my purpose.
I'd rather teach doin' it than do it!
Plus the kids, they love me.
-You actually scare me.
-Oh, get lost, creep.
It's weird to talk to kids about sex
if you're not getting paid.
♪♪
-Goat, grab suitcase.
[ Goat bleats ]
Ooh, if I had topless painting for every
iconoclastic youth who fall in love with Baba
at first taste of mentorship... [ Goat bleats ]
I have fifteen topless paintings.
[ Goat bleats ]
♪♪
-Sorry I couldn't protect you guys.
I guess I'm just not a very good teacher.
[ Gasps ] Mr. Fantasy.
That's me! [ Laughs ]
So they do think I'm the Goat!
[ Gasps ] And they know which one the goat is!
-What are you still doing on school grounds?
Strike's over.
-Making a difference. -Great.
Now clean 'em up before the paint toxins
seep into their brains
and give them the ability to talk.
Oh, don't tell me you've never seen "Dr. Dolittle!"
S'all about brain damage!
[ Engine revs ]
-Baba, I passed!
I've got my license!
Paris awaits!
[ Goat baa's ]
[ Tires squeal ]
She even taught a goat to drive beautifully.
-Dear, Phineas.
You good kisser, but Baba not
drop everything to go to Paris with you.
Many of us have idiot parent.
But we can grow away from them into something fantastic,
like flower growing out of pile of dung.
Now go waste time.
Get college degree.
Then you realize car business
better than having to find way to support yourself.
Hate fades like love I'm afraid.
-Huh huh huh.
Tu est stupide.
-Huh huh huh.
Tu est stupide.
-No. Stupide.
-♪ Gift-wrap your heart, you're sweet ♪
♪ I'll pickle it with the others ♪
♪ I need your love just like ♪
♪ I need a hole in my side ♪
♪♪